The Formula

by Daedalus Aegle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3948

Twilight Sparkle makes a discovery that explains everything.

One night in her castle, the Princess of Friendship makes a startling discovery about the nature of the universe.

She tries to explain her discovery to her friends, with mixed results.

But no matter. The pursuit of knowledge must continue.

Published 2015-07-08 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-21 20:27:03 UTC

The Formula.

It was the middle of the night in Ponyville, and every sensible pony was asleep in their homes. The whole town was dark, every light extinguished, all but one.

On the outskirts of town, in the giant bizarro-building that was the crystal-tree Castle of Friendship, a lone window was still illuminated.

Inside, chalk scritched its way across blackboard at frenzied speed, obscure and esoteric marks and characters that made sense only to their writer, while bloodshot eyes watched and a quiet voice whispered with excitement: “Yes... yes, and then... because of which then that... and if so, then so...”

It had been a minor academic exercise for Twilight at first, but once she began to dig into it she found herself spellbound by the possibilities. She had carried on quietly puzzling out the variables in the back of her mind while she was out with her friends. Then she had begun working on it during her afternoons, before dinner; then her mornings, before the day's schedule began; then her nights.

Now as the first sunlight began to show she had been unable to tear herself away from her calculations all night. At last she took a step back and took in the full enormity of what she had discovered.

“Sweet Celestia,” she whispered to herself. “It's true!”

– – –

“Girls!” Twilight was practically glowing with excitement as her friends filed into the throne hall in the Castle of Friendship. “Thank you all for coming today.”

“Anytime, Twi,” Applejack said. “So what's the big occasion?”

“I have made the most astonishing discovery of my life!” Twilight was grinning like mad, her gaze jumping back and forth between them.

“Um, Twilight, dear,” Rarity began, “have you been up all night? You seem a bit, well, jumpy.”

“No! ...Maybe. Yes. It doesn't matter, I had to continue to the end.”

“She finished four pots of coffee overnight,” Spike said, his arms crossed in disapproval.

“Look, this is important, girls!” Twilight was practically screaming. “This may be the most significant development in pony magic for the past thousand years! Observe.”

Twilight pointed to a huge chalkboard on wheels, which she had moved into the throne room. Written on it was a series of arcane mathematical formula that none of them could understand.

“This,” Twilight said, “is Star Swirl the Bearded's Spontaneous Eruption.” She frowned at the not-very-suppressed snickers coming from two of her friends. “Yes, Pinkie, Rainbow, that is its name and it is not a laughing matter! This formula describes the magical forces that make ponies burst into song and dance. Using this formula I can predict, for instance, that at two oh seven PM on Thursday, Mayor Mare will lead a group of seven mares down Mane Street in a rousing rendition of 'Ponyville Forever'. Now look at this.”

Twilight flipped the blackboard over to reveal yet more arcane formulas. “This is my own calculation, which I have been working on for the past several weeks. It draws on many of the same forces to try to explain another intractable aspect of pony existence.” She turned to face her friends with a broad smile. “Remember when I was late with my letter to Celestia, and you all laughed at me and ignored my feelings?”

Her friends all looked nervously around the table at each other.

“And remember when my brother was getting married, and I tried to warn you all that something was horribly wrong, but you all ignored my feelings and told me I was being paranoid, even though I'd known Cadance since I was little and none of you had ever met before that day?”

Fluttershy shrank into her seat and tried to slip under the table without anypony noticing.

“How about when the Everfree Forest was invading Ponyville, remember that? How you all told me I shouldn't go with you to try to save the Tree of Harmony because I was a Princess and we couldn't do things together as equals anymore? And ignored my feelings?”

“Twilight, darling, you know we didn't mean any of those things—”

Twilight chuckled and cut Rarity off with a wave of her hoof. “It's okay, girls. That's one of the reasons I wanted you all here – so I could tell you that I finally understand it now, and I want you to know that I've now forgiven you all.”

Applejack frowned. “Wait, you told us you forgave us all that stuff right after it happen—”

“Rainbow Dash, remember how we all dressed up as Mare-Do-Well and embarked on a sustained campaign solely to make you miserable even as we claimed to be your best friends?”

Every other pony present cringed and made urgent “never speak of that again” signs at Twilight as Rainbow glared.

“Yeah,” Rainbow said through gritted teeth. “I do.”

“Pinkie Pie, remember when Cheese Sandwich came into Ponyville and we all immediately forgot all about you and treated him as a king and said he was the greatest party planner ever and much better than you even though you were standing right there? Remember Rarity flirting and making eyes at him because all of a sudden being a party pony was the greatest thing ever, even though she's not even that interested in those kind of parties? And remember how you did everything you could to scare Fluttershy out of her apples when she was singing with the Ponytones? Remember how you all turned your tails on the Cutie Mark Crusaders over Gabby Gums, even though you all enjoyed their columns when they were only making fun of others?” She glanced around the room, taking in the angry, shameful, teary-eyed looks of everypony there. “I can see by your expressions that you do remember. Well, brace yourselves ladies, because I can explain why all of those things happened!”

She pointed to the chalkboard. “Allow me to introduce Twilight Sparkle's Outrageous Operations Catalyst formula. This formula is a universally applicable mathemagical law that describes when a pony will behave in a manner that is wildly at odds with their entrenched personality.

“I would like to explain the math in detail, but Spike was very insistent that this is a bad idea for some reason and that I should just describe the practical effects in general terms instead. In any case, you can all read the paper for yourself when it gets published in Crucible: The Canterlot Journal of Magical Studies next year.

“Essentially it boils down to this: we live in a universe that favors learning. If a pony – or other creature, yes Spike – stands to learn a lesson of some kind, the natural flow of magic will cause events to unfold so as to bring that lesson to bear. This magic governs every aspect of our existence. Given the correct circumstances, in order to make the learning event take place the magic will warp the minds and behavior of ponies caught in the magical-gravitational nexus of the subject pony!”

All five ponies looked back and forth, confused. Applejack broke the silence. “Say that again?”

“Everypony around you will behave completely out of character if by doing so they will help you learn a lesson!” Twilight shouted out triumphantly. “They won't be able to stop themselves! They won't even notice that it's happening! Every one of those times we've suddenly started acting like crazy ponies it has helped push the victim – I mean the subject to some realization of personal growth. When you girls all turned your backs on me to go gaga over Queen Chrysalis – seriously girls, you were all fooled by Queen Chrysalis – and ignored my feelings – that taught me a valuable lesson about trusting my instincts even when everypony else doubts me, as if I were some complete stranger who had never given you any reason to trust me before in my life!”

“Okay, somepony needs a mug of hot chocolate,” Spike said, clapping his hands together. “Thankfully I thought this might happen and prepared some earlier.”

“Thanks Spike,” Twilight said and took a deep sip of her mug. “Mmmm... that's good. Anyway, other examples are abundant. Remember that thing with Big Mac and Miss Cheerilee on Hearts and Hooves day? That was my fault: I decided it made perfect sense to give the Cutie Mark Crusaders the recipe for a love potion. Genius, right?”

The others were still glancing uncertainly back and forth, as if silently debating if it was time to call the ponies in white coats. “It's alright, girls. I figured this might seem a bit hard to believe at first, which is why I arranged for a practical demonstration. You see, using my Outrageous Operations Catalyst Formula I can confidently predict that a strong learning event is just about to happen right around the corner! If you'll all please follow me outside...”

She led them out of the castle and down the road towards Ponyville, and before long they saw a crowd in the distance, and heard a powerful voice speaking at length.

As they drew near they saw that on Mane Street a throng of ponies had gathered around two figures. On one side stood Mayor Mare, looking as frazzled and distraught as anypony had ever seen her. Opposite her stood Big Mac, speaking to the crowd.

“Furthermore, Ah can say from personal experience and without hesitation that Mayor Mare's policies on agricultural development and water allocation have made it harder for Ponyville's farmers to meet our growing town's needs. As a result, Ponyville is increasingly importing foodstuffs from Fillydelphia to feed its citizens, and that's lost revenue that we could use to expand and repair our outdated infrastructure. We need to—”

“Big Mac?” Applejack interrupted. “What in tarnation are ya doing?”

“Howdy, sis,” Big Mac said. “Ah'm glad you're here. Y'see, Ah have regretfully come to the conclusion that Mayor Mare, while she has served our town admirably for a long time, has been in office for too long and that our town has need for new leadership. Therefore, Ah am here today to announce that Ah am running for mayor of Ponyville in this year's election. Ah have hired miss Derpy Hooves to be my campaign manager and spokespony, and we are planning to raise a massive effort to help bring Ponyville back to its roots on the Apple Muffin Party platform.”

Miss Hooves, who was wearing slim spectacles and carrying a clipboard, and whose mane was trimmed to a meticulously regimented perm, stepped forward and nodded. “Mister Apple is completely correct: the public opinion polls published this morning in the Ponyville Gazelle suggest that Ponyville is tired of an administration beset by scandal, presiding over the greatest rise in emergency spending in modern history, and so lacking in competent staffing that it can't even wrap up winter on time without royal intervention. Mister Apple and myself have already begun planning our get-out-the-vote efforts, and are printing up the posters as we speak. With the generous contributions of mister Rich, we plan to give our town a real choice in this year's elections, and not just blindly re-elect an administration that has faced no real opponents since defeating Mayor Shady twelve years ago.”

Big Mac nodded. “The ponies of Ponyville are tired of Town Hall falling down on the job. Ah believe it is time we had new blood in our government, and Ah have decided to throw my yoke into the ring! Together we can make Ponyville bear fruit again!”

This announcement was met with massive cheers from the gathered crowd.

“But-but this is inconceivable,” Mayor Mare sputtered. “How can the town possibly want me out of office? Under my leadership Ponyville's economy has grown by more than the Equestrian average every year! Crime is next to nonexistent. Ponies here report record life happiness, and last year Thyme Magazine ranked Ponyville the second best town to live in all of Equestria! How can my approval ratings possibly be so low?”

“Well, Ponyville has always been such an abysmally slow and peaceful town,” said Roseluck. “We're all dying for some excitement here. It seems to me that this sudden and unpredictable change can only make Ponyville a more interesting place to live.”

Daisy and Lily nodded and seconded their agreement.

“I think Big Mac's rustic and traditional leanings is exactly what Ponyville needs,” Vinyl Scratch chimed in. “In this modern age it can be too easy to forget where we all come from. We need to look back and nurture our roots!”

“Big Mac for mayor!” said Mrs. Cake.

“Re-elect Mayor Mare!” said Mr. Cake.

Within moments the two were at each other's throats while Pinkie Pie tried and failed to calm them down.

“This can't be!” Mayor Mare looked ready to faint. “Quick, Raven, back to Town Hall! We have to come up with something big to raise my numbers immediately!”

“Ah will be returning to our campaign headquarters in the Ponyville Hotel to continue our planning,” Big Mac said. “Ah have a lot more to say and Ah hope to see you all in the days to come.”

Moments later the street was emptied, save for Twilight and her friends.

“...What the hay just happened?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“If I had to guess, I'd say that Mayor Mare is about to learn not to worry too much about what the opinion polls say from day to day and focus on doing her job the best she can instead,” Twilight said, rapidly scribbling numbers on a noteboard. “The numbers converge at just about... Of course, 14.05 PM on Thursday, just before she bursts into song! It all checks out!”

“Is my brother gonna be okay?” Applejack blurted out.

“He should be his normal self just after the song,” Twilight said. “Thankfully, once the learning event is over the affected ponies will realize that they were behaving terribly, and will subsequently feel bad about it and apologize after they see the effect it had on the learning subject. This happens almost every time. Not after Mare-Do-Well, though.”

“Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and hovered above them, glaring down at Twilight.

“Yeah, we're all actually completely unrepentant about that,” Twilight said, smiling. “That might seem cold, Rainbow, but I'm working on a mathematical proof for it that I'm sure you'll find very gratifying.”

– – –

“Spiiike! More ice, please.”

After a while Spike came walking into Twilight's bedroom with another bag of ice and gave it to the alicorn, who pressed it to her eye. “The bruise is still hurting?”

Twilight nodded. “Rainbow was not as gratified as I had hoped.”

“Yeah, it's a real mystery, alright.”

Spike suddenly coughed, and burped up a large sealed letter bearing the seal of Crucible: The Canterlot Journal of Magical Studies.

“That must be my peer review results,” Twilight beamed, and ripped the letter open. “Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle, we regret to inform you that your article, 'The Laws of Outrageous Operation'... failed peer review?? That can't be right! 'Please see the enclosed letter for the reviewer's comments'... Ah, here it is.”

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

As one of your few peers in Equestria it falls to me to review your article.

Unfortunately, your article proposes to reveal one of the most closely guarded secrets of Equestria's government to every library in the world, at great risk to our national security. Therefore I must forbid publication.

Sorry. Hope to see you for tea next Wednesday.

Yours truly,

Princess Celestia.

By Any Other Name

It was Wednesday the week after the two-day long Ponyville mayoral election campaign of 2015 had ended with the abrupt collapse of the Apple Muffin Party, and Princess Twilight was engaged in high-stakes royal negotiations in Canterlot.

“And that, Twilight,” Celestia concluded, “is why I can't allow you to publish your article. I'm very sorry, but I'm sure you'll agree that my reasons are sound.”

“Oh, absolutely, Celestia,” Twilight conceded. “You presented your arguments in comprehensive detail, and your reasoning is absolutely flawless. You also listened very patiently to my counterarguments, as well as my concerns about the implications of your decision for academic freedom and scientific inquiry, and answered them all to my satisfaction. I may regret it, but I completely accept your decision.”

Celestia nodded with a smile, and sipped her tea. “I'm very happy to hear that, Twilight. I'm sure there won't be any more unpleasant surprises like this, but next time you're going unveil some deep mystery of magic, do give me a heads up first, alright?”

“Yes, Celestia. Well, there are still so many other mysteries of pony magic that nopony has ever explained,” Twilight said. “Like – names, for example. Why do so many ponies have names that just happen to perfectly fit their special talents? Even their destinies? Like me, for instance. What are the odds that a pony named 'Twilight' would bridge the divide between you and Princess Luna, between night and day? There must be something buried deep in the fabric of magic itself that creates concurrences like that.”

Celestia coughed and nodded a little too quickly.

“And come to think of it,” Twilight continued, oblivious to the strained smile of her mentor, “Isn't it funny that your personal student before me was named Sunset Shimmer? I mean, Sunset, Twilight, Shimmer, Sparkle, Celestia, Luna. Isn't that strange? I mean – hah! - what are the odds, right?”

“Hrm – yes! What are the odds indeed. Ha ha – ha!”

Twilight tilted her head to the side and looked suspiciously at her old mentor. “You're acting kind of strangely, Princess. Is something wrong? Is there something you're not telling me?”

Celestia hesitated, and turned her face away. “It's – it's a touchy subject for me, Twilight.”

Twilight looked at her old mentor with large, insecure eyes. “I don't understand, Princess. You know I'd never betray your confidence. I thought there were no secrets between us anymore?”

“Okay… look… the truth is...” Celestia sighed. “The truth is that many years before I met you, Twilight, I got the idea of looking for unicorns whose names suggested the transition between night and day. I knew that the prophecy of Nightmare Moon was going to come true, and I needed to be ready. I hoped to find the pony who would help reunite me and my sister, and the first thing I looked at was their names. I already knew you were taking the entry exam for my school in Canterlot that day, Twilight, and when I saw the rainboom, and your magic surge immediately after, I knew you had to be the one. And you were.” She smiled, not the glorious smile of the sun, but the private smile of a pony who had seen her greatest fears banished, and had found again that which had been lost. A soft dewdrop of tears nestled in the corner of Celestia's eye.

“Oh princess...” Twilight got out of her seat and went around the table to nuzzle her teacher, pressing tight against her side.

They stood like that for a while in comfortable, intimate silence before Twilight raised her head. “...But what about Sunset?”

“...Ah. Yes. Her.” Celestia glanced around her, as if avoiding Twilight's eyes. “Well...”

“What's the matter, Princess?”

“Please don't call me that, Twilight.”

“Sorry!”

“The thing is… You weren't the first unicorn pony I found who had a name that made me think of Luna. I trained Sunset Shimmer when you were just a filly, because at the time I believed that she would be the one who would reconcile us. Time was beginning to run short before Nightmare Moon's return, and you know that a proper education takes many years. So… I took a chance on a filly before I could be completely certain about her, and I paid the price. I taught Sunset Shimmer more than she was prepared for, skills she was not able or willing to wield responsibly.” Celestia gazed off into the distance. “She wanted me to raise her up to princesshood. But she did not understand what that meant. She thought she deserved it only because of her magical power and her ambition. I still remember the last conversation I had with her, when I finally gave up on her and sent her away.”

“That's so sad,” Twilight said, and nuzzled gently into her mentor's side. “At least you got it right on the second try.”

An awkward silence ensued.

“...I wasn't your second try either, was I?”

“You know what, it might be easier if I just show you the list.”

– – –

“So this is…?”

Dusk Gleam. Midnight Sun. Aurora Dance.

Celestia nodded. “Every unicorn I took on as my private student before you, hoping to find the one who would bring Luna back to me, yes.”

Starry Summer. Dawn Song. Shining Morning.

“That's a lot of names.”

“Yes.”

Sunrise Glimmer. Sunset Sparkle. Sunrise Snowfall. Sunset Snowfall.

“The Snowfalls were twins. I had a good feeling about those two.”

Moonrise Sunbeam. Shady Days. Eclipse Blossom.

“This is… different.”

Evening Star. Misty Morning. Starlight Glimmer.

“Starlight Glimmer?!”

“Well, where did you think she learned self-levitation?”

And finally, at the bottom of the list, Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle.

The two of them stood looking at the list in deafening silence while the moments ticked by, until Celestia cleared her throat. “Well, the upshot of it is that by now Equestria is full of extremely powerful unicorns with themed names who have gone mad with power.”

“I had wondered about that...”

“Yes. So…”

Celestia moved to place a hoof gently on Twilight's shoulder, but the smaller alicorn stepped away. “You know, this is really a lot to take in all at once. I think I'm gonna need some time to process this.”

Celestia looked at her sadly. “You know you're very special to me, right, Twilight?”

“…Yeah. I know.”

“Alright,” Celestia nodded. “I understand… Just do me one favor, if you would, Twilight? Please don't ever ask me about Lightbringer Morningstar.”

– – –

Sunset frowned in confusion as she read the note that had just popped up in the magical book.

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

You are hereby invited to attend the first meeting of the Troubled Unicorn Redemption Network, TURN.

TURN is a new support group for unicorns who left or were expelled from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns due to irreconcilable philosophical differences with Princess Celestia. It is my hope that TURN will help rehabilitate unicorns who would otherwise be drawn into unhealthy behaviors like 'world domination' or 'becoming a cult leader', and instead help them along the path to becoming happy, healthy members of society.

As a former Most Faithful Student of Princess Celestia who has turned your life around after dabbling with dark powers, you have a lot to contribute to TURN and I hope you are interested in joining this exciting new project of friendship.

The first meeting will take place at the Castle of Friendship in Ponyville next Saturday at noon, and I would very much like it if you could come. Just step through the portal and ring the bell, and I will be there in a jiffy.

You can TURN your life around!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle.

(Hi Sunset! Spike here. Twilight had me write this message but I have no idea what it's about. She's just pacing in a circle muttering something about how it was “just her turn”. Any idea what's going on?)