Gamer Luna Wants Her Mountain Dew; Presented by the Washington Redskins Go F**K Yourself Foundation
One night, Princess Luna was sitting in her room with all the lights out, playing video games, like she typically does. While her sister Celestia always spent her shift busy with other politicians and public appearances, Luna knew such behavior was for saps. The princess of the night had achieved euphoria long ago, and knew that the enlightened princess was better off holed up in her room, pouring hours and hours of her life into the Minecraft, and Call of Duty Black Ops.
Luna was quite proud of the stats reflected on her Xbox LIVE account. It reflected her awesome skill in 360 no-scoping countless casuals who dared to challenge her at a videogame. She snickered at the thought of such casuals feeling sorrow at their own incompetence, and crying into their pathetic in real life marefriends about how bad at video games they were, the pathetic fools.
Laughing so much at her triumph made her throat flex in a way that reminded her of the bits of Doritos still cling to her inner walls. Luckily, she still had a trusty can of Mountain Dew next to her hips, buried somewhere underneath a heap of gaming magazines. Using her magic, she lifted the can to her lips and sucked down the sugary, fizzy elixir to wash down the bits of cool ranch chips.
Unfortunately, the liquid diminished as she tilted it toward her mouth. No matter how much she shook the can, there was simply nothing left. Sighing, Luna realized she would have to do something she hated immensely.
She would have to get up, and leave her room.
Sighing again, more powerfully than her last sigh (which was a very powerful sigh, mind you), Luna heaved herself up from the floor, which had an indention of her flabby but sizable ass. She was careful not to knock over the various jars of piss that had accumulated around her, since such a skilled gamer as herself couldn't afford to waste time making trips to the toilet in the adjoined room. That was a whole ten steps, nearly a lifetime in gamer logic!
Luna opened the door of her room, and hissed at the flood of light hitting her face. Oh, how she hated light! She had been doing a favor to Equestria a thousand years ago, when she had filled the land with darkness. Nonetheless, she stepped into the hallway and began her trek downstairs to the royal kitchen.
Meanwhile in the living room, just a few paces from the kitchen, Princess Celestia enjoyed the company of Twilight and her friends, who were partaking in the activity of sniffing lines of coke off of Fluttershy's buttcrack, which is of course, a very normal thing for Twilight and her friends to do, and doesn't need any sort of context to explain.
“Aw, yeah!” Rainbow Dash said, lifting her nose from Fluttershy's ass, as Fluttershy herself “eep'd” in response. “I feel more awesome than Black Widow!”
“Wait, you mean the Black Widow in the movies, or the Black Widow in the comics?” Twilight Sparkle asked, looking in a small mirror to ensure her nose wasn't bleeding.
Rainbow Dash lifted an eyebrow at that. “The movies, duh.” She scoffed. “But really, what's the difference?”
“Well, first of all, Joss Whedon can't write women for crap, so Scarlett Johanssen ends up playing a one dimensional character who relies on her gender more than anything, and whose combat is only made interesting because she has boobs wrapped in a spandex suit. In the comic books, her character is actually more-”
“NERRRRRRRRRRD” Pinkie Pie screamed, piledriving Twilight's face into a book that happened to be there. The rest of the girls laughed at that, especially Celestia. Their laughter was broken when they heard hoofsteps, and took notice of Luna walking past them and toward the kitchen.
“Oh god damn it,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “I thought Luna was gonna stay in her room all night, like she usually does?”
“Um, maybe we should be nice to her?” Fluttershy said weakly, looking over her butt still covered in colombian candy. “Um, if you want to, if it's not too much trouble, I guess, please, okay.”
“No one cares, Fluttershy” Celestia replied. “But she is right, everypony just wave to her if she looks at you.”
“I can hear you, you know.” Luna muttered.
“Ssh, I think she might be able to hear us.” Celestia exclaimed in a loud whisper, before clearing her throat. “Hello sister! How are you doing on the Minecraft?”
“I'm playing Call of Duty now!” Luna snarled at her, before resuming her trek to the kitchen.
“What a bitch.” Applejack commented.
“I agree.” Rarity agreed.
“Thanks for reminding us that you're in the room, girls.” Twilight said to both of them.
In the kitchen, Luna opened the refrigerator, looking in the bottom left corner, where the rectangular box of Mountain Dew lay. She reached inside, but only found empty space within. It couldn't be possible, could it? Ponies knew better than to touch her Royal Dew! She reached her hoof even farther back, until it touched the end of the empty box.
Luna's left eye twitched in anger. Here she was, in the middle of a vastly important session of Call of Duty, and without any Mountain Dew to fuel her gaming needs. She was more than pissed, to say the least.
Back in the living room, Celestia gasped as she looked at the clock and saw that it was nearing seven am.
“Oh my god, how late have we been up?” She exclaimed. “Well bitches, it's been lovely having you over, but Luna and I need to trade the moon for the sun, so do me a favor and-”
“WHERE IS MY MOUNTAIN DEW!?” an angsty scream from the kitchen resounded out, catching all of the mares by surprise, except for Rainbow Dash. The blue pegasus was in the process of taking a long, gratuitous sip from a can of Mountain Dew.
“Ahhh, yummy.” Rainbow Dash sighed. Her eyes darted from side to side as she realized everypony was staring daggers at her. “What?” She asked in confusion.
“WHO DID IT!?” Luna screamed, as Celestia knocked the can of Dew out of Rainbow's hoof. “WHO DID IT!? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!”
“Luna, calm the buck down” Celestia commanded, in an attempt to quell her sister's autistic rage. “There's some Dr. Pepper in the fridge.”
“Dr. Pepper!? Do I look like I'm thirsty for BUCKING DR. PEPPER!?” Luna's horn lit up with magic as she levitated a can of Dr. Pepper near her face. Opening it with a “kssshck” She turned the can upside down, and let the fizzy contents spill all over her open mouth.
“Mmm, blagh- it's delicious! It's deli- I don't want BUCKING DR. PEPPER!” She screamed, angrily levitating various dishes from the kitchen through the air and across the room at the other mares.
“Look what you did, Rainbow Dash!” Applejack whispered accusingly, ducking to avoid being assaulted by a plate.
“What? I didn't know Luna's aspergers was gonna go through the roof because she couldn't get any goddamned Mountain Dew.”
“It's worse than you think, you two.” Twilight told both of them. “Mountain Dew is the only thing in Equestria that can keep Luna's autism in check. Your selfish act may have doomed us all.”
“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash asked, as the razor sharp brim of a fedora pierced the wall next to her. “That sounds more stupid than Terminator Genisys.”
“Stupid as it sounds, it's true. Good job, asshole.”
“Luna, seriously, stop it.” Celestia berated Luna, after she turned the table with Fluttershy resting on it over. “I'll buy you some bucking Mountain Dew after you and I change the night into day.”
“Nuh-uh!” Luna screamed, smearing cake on her face as if it were war paint. “I swear to god, this night isn't ending until I get some Mountain Dew!” And in a flash, Luna's coat turned from purple to charcoal black, as she regained the form of Nightmare Moon. She and Celestia leaped into the air, and engaged in a flashy explosive battle that Dragon Ball Z nerds all loved, and hailed Meghan McCarthy as a way better stroywriter than Lauren Faust ever was.
“Oh my god, girls, I just got the best idea!” Twilight exclaimed joyously. “I'm gonna go back in time so I can stop Rainbow Dash from drinking Luna's Mountain Dew.”
“But Twilight, didn't you say that Starswirl's time spell only worked for a pony once?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Whatever, I figured out a way to do it again, stop asking questions.” With that, Twilight teleported herself to Canterlot Castle's library, and used the spell within the book to travel through time.
In a dark, desolate urban street, a series of bright lightning flashes erupted over the ground. A large round orb formed, and tore a vast crater through the gravel of the street. When the dust cleared, Twilight Sparkle unfurled her wings from her face, and looked at her surroundings.
“What? This doesn't look like Cnaterlot.” She said out loud. “I can't get Mountain Dew for Luna if I don't even know where I am!”
“You won't be needing any Mountain Dew,” Twilight heard something with a thick Austrain accent say to her. She turned forward and say a bipedal figure walking toward her, its face shrouded in a hood. If lifted a hand up to reveal its chisled jaw and stone expression, as well as its slightly graying brown hair.
“Um, who are you?” Twilight asked, without a clue as to what was going on.
“I've been waiting for you.” The man said, before loading a round of shells in his shotgun and clicking it.
“Oh god damn it...” Twilight muttered, before the boom of the gun's fire rang through the sky.
