'It was a beautiful day to commit genocide!' I thought to myself, as I unveiled my ultimate weapon, the Cowpocalypse!
I cackled manically as I watched the giant two-headed irradiated aurochs break out of its artificial embryo. The floor of my lab shook as it took three heavy steps and flopped onto the floor, releasing an earth shattering belch while it simultaneously released gas from its belly.
"Pepsi," I shouted, calling out to my most devout and only minion. "come witness the world's imminent destruction."
".....Do I have to?"
"Yes!" I snapped impatiently.
I could hear him grumbling to himself as he slowly made his down to the basement. The blue furred alphyn was scowling, two of his claws pinching his nostrils shut.
"Christ, it smells down here!"
I snorted in derision. "Of course it does! The Cowpocalypse was designed to release enormous quantities of intestinal gas."
"Is that all it does? Fart and burp?"
"That's an ineloquent way of putting it, but, yes."
"How's a smelly cow going to destroy the world?" He looked at me as if I were an idiot. The nerve! I am the most ingenious individual the world has ever seen! To even imply that I was anything but brilliant even through body language was intolerable! I should have liquefied his flesh for his insolence, but then who would cook my meals and scrub my toilet? I settled with cuffing him over the head.
"You foolish plebeian!" I shouted at the muttering alphyn. "Don't you see that my latest creation's disgusting activities will raise the planet's temperature significantly? Which in turn will result in catastrophic super storms, flooding, and rapid changes in the environment the likes of which that nobody has ever seen?"
"Uh...yeah...sure." he muttered. He scratched his head awkwardly. "So, how long will that take?"
"It shouldn't be too long. By my estimate, Armageddon will occur within a mere twenty thousand years!"
"...That's a pretty long time."
"Shut up, Pepsi!"
Twenty thousand years later.....
"Boss, I hate it break to you, but after all this time, nothing's really happened."
"Yes, I can see that!" I snapped. "I had assumed elvenkind would have unknowingly contributed to my devious plan once they had formed an industrial civilization, but they just had to die out, before then! Inconsiderate little bastards!" I ranted, arms raised in exasperation. "Luckily, I was prepared for this. Tremble in fear and clench your quivering bowels as you feast yours eye upon my latest gastronomical monstrosity, chipotle!"
Upon seeing, Pepsi's eyes widened in horror. "Wow. Just looking at it is making my blood pressure go up."
"Once we replace the Cowpocalypse's current feed with this, the world shall crumble!" I shoved several of disgusting spice wraps into my weapons' mouths. "Chew, chew your morbidly obese bovine!"
Two hours later....
"Boss, its leaking blood everywhere!"
"Plug it up with the luffa!"
One week later....
"Hey, there's a talking horse outside that wants to see you."
I waved a hand dismissively. "Kill it like the rest," I had no interest in conversing with naturally occurring mutated abominations.
"She says she the princess of some country named Equestria."
Princess? Country? Equestria?
"Pepsi, when's the last time I ventured outside?"
He shrugged. "I dunno, five thousand years?
Hm, curious. It seemed equines had developed sentience while I holed myself up in my lair. Strange, I never would of thought grazers could be capable of achieving self-awareness, much less in such a short amount of time. Perhaps outside forces sped up cognitive development, such as an implosion of psionic energy?
"Kill it like the rest," I repeated after a moment of thought. Still wasn't interested in talking to a mere ungulate, intelligent or not.
"I don't think I can."
I sighed wearily, closing my laptop.
"And why is that?"
"Remember that power scanning thing you hammered into my skull a few centuries back?"
"Of course I do!" I spat. What a foolish question! I remembered everything I designed, from glow in the dark birds to assault rifles.
"Well according to it, she can kick my ass blindfolded."
"Wow, you must have gotten really out of shape these past few millennia."
He sputtered at that. "What?" No I didn't!" I glanced at his protruding belly. 'We'll maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds."
"Don't feel too bad. I am sixty percent heavier than the average wyvern. Though, to be fair, my bones are admittedly rather dense compared to the rest of my kind."
Giving in to my subordinate's whining, I stepped outside to see what all the fuss was about and came across a peculiar horse of a very peculiar color.
"Hello my name is Twilight Spa-"
"......Purple."
"Excuse me?"
"Purple."
"Is he alright?"
"Purple!"
"Oh shit! I forgot about his condition!"
"Purple!"
"Get out of here! Before he-"
"Purple!"
I do not know how long my....bestial side was in control but judging by the fact that my house and surrounding area was relatively unscathed, my rampage shouldn't have lasted too long.
"Pepsi, tell me what occurred while I was indisposed."
"Gahk," a mangled Pepsi croaked.
I stroked my chin in thought. "Hm. Really? I had no idea you were so frail. Remind me to aid more calcium to your diet after I rebuild your body."
"Gahk."
"What about the pony?"
"Gahk."
I looked down at my flattened subordinate in mild surprise. "She's still alive?"
"Gahk."
"Changed color you say? Fascinating, where is she now?"
"Gahk."
I looked up to the sky, seeing the mutant horse hovering above me nervously. As Pepsi had claimed, she did indeed change color, her pelt now a dark blue hue.
I signaled for her to come down. "There is no need to be frightened, my desire to tear open your abdomen and feast on your exposed innards has dissipated."
Hesitantly, the equine abomination slowly alighted to the ground. For her obedience, I offered her a dog treat. She declined, appearing to be somewhat offended for some strange reason.
She looked down at my crippled minion. "Is he going to be alright?"
"Pepsi? No need to be concerned about him, he's endured far worse."
She glanced my way, eyebrows raised. "If you say so."
"If you don't mind me asking, what are you?" I mused.
"Oh, yes! I haven't properly introduced myself," she tittered. "I am Twili*** ******* ****** * ** ** ***corn."
I shook my head rapidly, forcing myself out of the bored stupor her irrelevant banter had put me in. "Care to repeat that?"
"Um, okay. I am Twil-"
"No, just the last part. I don't care about the rest."
I could hear her grinding her teeth. What a crass beast. "I am an alicorn."
"I see. Are you a naturally occurring animal, or an artificial one created by a mad scientist with an extremely poor taste in color?"
"Uh, I'm definitely not of the latter category, but I don't think I really constitute for the former either. Not anymore anyway. You see, I used to be a regular old unicorn before I transformed into an alicorn. It's a long story."
"Interesting. Do you mind if I take few DNA samples from you?" knowing that the alicorn couldn't refuse a request from a being as majestic and charismatic as myself, I answered for her, "Of course I can!" I quickly stated, plucking out of a few of her feathers and a couple strands of fur. "Thank you," I inserted a biscuit in her mouth as reward for her trouble. "Now go away. I have a minion to reconstruct." I said, scooping up said alphyn. I turned to leave, but stopped when I felt a slight ethereal tug on my tail. I looked back to see that my tail had been enveloped in a pink glow, as was the mutant horse's freakish horn.
Telekinesis, a psionic ability that was only displayed by krakens and their close relatives when I was still mortal. Was this brand of sorcery unique to this particular alicorn, or was her entire species capable of it as well? And what of these "unicorns" she mentioned? Perhaps this equine had her genes mixed with one of those cephalopods? It would explain how she was able to change colors, though it was still a rather puzzling phenomenon. Natural fur was incapable of retaining such flamboyant colors, much less transition from one to another. Questions for another day, I had a primitive to scold.
I glared at the animal that dared to obstruct me. "I understand that the grey matter located within your skull is likely small and underdeveloped, but don't you realize that pulling on someone else's tail is rude?"
"Rude?" she seethed through gritted teeth.
"Yes, incredibly so."
"Rude?" she repeated, eye's blazing.
I shook my head in slight disbelief, it seemed she was even less intelligent than I had thought. "Yes, why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?"
"You nearly bit off my head, treated me like a lesser a being, and tried to walk away from me after you ripped out several of my feathers and patch of my fur!"
I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I will admit that I may have been treating you rather roughly," I conceded. She frowned at me, obviously expecting some sort of apology. Too bad, she wasn't getting one. "Now, is there anything you need of the great Kenyan, or are just here to pester me?"
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.
"I would like to talk to your for a bit." she exhaled.
I groaned inwardly, not relishing the idea, but I relented. If I didn't mind my manners, I wouldn't be any better than the crude animal before me.
"Very well, you may speak to me once I have fixed Pepsi."
With great reluctance, I allowed the primitive mammal to set foot within my domain, chuckling to myself when she gagged upon entering.
"What on earth is that smell?" she rasped.
"The byproduct of my proudest creation," I informed her. "If the stench is too much to bear, feel free to leave and never return." There was a brief flash of light and once it dissipated my unwanted guest was encased in a pink bubble.
"I'm fine now," she coughed, wiping her watery eyes with a hoof.
"Ah, wonderful," I muttered, mildly disappointed. I pulled out a chair for her. "Have a seat."
"I think I'll stand." she murmured, regarding my organic furniture suspiciously.
I shrugged, taking back the offered chair and eating it. "Suit yourself," Walking over to my nearest healing station, I dumped Pepsi into a healing chamber, a twelve foot high fifteen foot wide tank lined with modified amniotic fluid, and punched in a series of buttons. Within seconds, Pepsi's ruined body had been restored to its original shape.
"What color would you like to be this time?"
He said nothing. Closing his eyes and folding his arms over his chest, he indicated that the decision was up to me.
"Very well," I remarked, typing in a command. A needle was injected into the base of his neck, pumping a compound of hormones into his body. His fur fell out shortly afterwards, only to be replaced by a new coat of green fur. One his aesthetic modification had been completed, he was ejected from the healing station. I stood over my dripping minion, sprinkling salt over his head. An old custom of mine. "In honor of your fourteenth near-death, you shall now be renamed Sprite."
The repaired alphyn nodded, accepting his new name. He shook himself dry like a dog. "I don't know why, but the names you give me make me thirsty."
With that order of business taken care of, I went to deal with my unwanted guest.
She was gaping at the two of us, her eyes becoming even larger than before. Seriously, why did this horse has such large eyes? They're wider than her damn hooves.
"Is there a problem?" I asked
"T-that wolf-"
"Alphyn," I corrected her.
"he was crippled just a few minutes ago-"
"And blue," Sprite cut in.
"-and now he's perfectly fine."
I idly picked at my teeth with a claw. "Yes, what of it?"
"What of it?" she yelled, hooves flailing wildly in the air. "This is an amazing piece technology!"
I smirked, appreciating her presence for the first time. "Of course it is! It was designed by me, the great Kenyan!"
She failed to praise me further, instead choosing to lean against my invention, reigniting my animosity towards. "Does that machine only work on alphyns or can it be used by other species?"
I lightly swatted her forelegs. She grinned sheepishly and moved her dirty hooves away from my healing tank's plexiglass screen. "My healing chamber can swiftly repair damaged tissue on any carbon based animal, provided the subject in question is still alive." I answered her, as went about decontaminating the machine.
Spinning on her hind legs and clapping her hooves, the alicorn squealed, a grating sound that had me plugging my ears.
"A device like this will revolutionize the world of modern medicine! If this construct were to be mass produced, millions, possibly billions of lives could be saved!"
Sprite looked at each other and laughed knowingly.
The alicorn frowned. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," I lied. I nodded at Sprite, indicating that he should get me a drink. "So, what it that you wish to speak to me about?"
"A whole plethora of things!" she exclaimed excitedly. "But I suppose I should first tackle the issue that had me flying all the way to this remote corner of Equestria."
"Equestria?" I slowly enunciated, accepting a mug of blended kitten Sprite had fetched me."Is that what you call this region these days? I hope you do realize that's a terrible name. "
She puffed her chiefs indignantly. "What's wrong with it?"
I scoffed, taking a sip of my delectable beverage. "What's not wrong with it? Naming a country after one's taxonomic family sounds absolutely ludicrous. Imagine if one of my kind had formed a kingdom called, dracotopia, and you'll see my point."
She opened her mouth to retort only to close it again when she evidently realized she couldn't possibly refute my impeccable logic. "I guess it is a bit strange," she admitted. "Wait, you're a dragon?"
I gave her my best condescending look.
"Yes, a wyvern to be specific."
"A wyvern? But you don't have-"
"Wings?" I growled. "I am well aware."
She looked downcast. "Sorry."
I snorted, wondering why I was bothering with this simpleton. "As you should have realized, I am not a typical wyvern. I was born with a condition known as atavism and thus bear strong resemblance to my lindwryrm ancestors. A living missing link, if you will."
"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "I didn't mean to cause offense."
"Cause offense? Why would I be offended? I am proud of my deviancy. As convenient as flight sounds, I'd rather keep my dexterous hand." I hummed, wiggling the fingers located on my good hand. "After all, if it weren't for my hand, I would have never been able to hold a pen. And if I couldn't hold a pen, I would have never become the renowned scientist that am I now. And if I wasn't a renowned scientist, I would have never have discovered the secret to immortality. And if I hadn't become immortal, I wouldn't have had the time to create all of my ingenious bio devices. And if I hadn't created all of my ingenious bio devices, I wouldn't have become evil! And if I hadn't become evil, I would have never thought of making the Cowpocalypse! And if I hadn't made the Cowpocalypse, I wouldn't have been able to destroy the world and take vengeance upon all those that called me stubby arms!" I roared, flailing my arms about wildly.
It took me a while to regain my composure and catch my breath and when it did I felt my face heat up. Seeing my minion and my guest staring at me with their jaws slightly agape after that tangent, I felt a tad embarrassed.
".......What was that about destroying the world?"
Oh good, that was the part that stuck out to her. I sighed in relief. " Oh, yes! I plan on destroying on the world, and will soon be successful in that endeavor. Didn't I mention that before?"
"No-"
She yelped in surprise when I picked her up, cradling her with my good arm and placing her against my side, I began moving toward my door.
"Yes, it's quite a magnificent plan, though I have been exaggerating just how much destruction it wreak. You see, I'm not actually destroying the planet, I'm just going to indirectly kill every sentient being living on its surface, along with ninety percent of all other life, by emitting copious amounts of greenhouse gasses."
"You're the one responsible for the drastic rise in methane?" she yelled in alarm.
I chuckled. "Oh, so you've noticed? I take it my nefarious polluting is what brought about your little investigation?"
"I don't understand, why are you doing this?"
"Because I'm a prick." I unashamedly declared, before tossing her out of my house. "Now, move along! I am a very busy creature. I estimate that you have a little more than a half a century before the globe is submerged in water, so I suggest you spend your time carefully, if you truly value your pathetic existence." with that piece of wisdom imparted on her tiny pea brain, I slammed the door in her face.
I heard a snicker behind me.
"Don't start." I warned Sprite, who was struggling to contain his mirth.
"Okay. I'm sorry....stubby arms."
"You're dead."
For Sprite, salvation came in the form of a pink explosion followed by a flying door. I grunted in slight discomfort as the door shattered against my back, showering me in splinters.
To my annoyance, the alicorn had returned, obviously not keen on following my terrific advice. I glared at the impudent beast, who for some reason, looked as irate as me.
"I thought I made it abundantly clear that I wish you to be gone from my presence!" I snarled, drawing a revolver. "Perhaps I need to be even more blunt."
The animal looked at me defiantly, eyes glowing white. "I can't let you go through with whatever you're doing, Kenyan!"
"And I'm afraid I cannot let you stop me, Spylight!
"Twilight."
"Whatever."
Being the oh so courteous wyvern that I am, I allowed my adversary to make the first move. She blasted me with a beam of kinetic energy. I guffawed when the thick lance of light trickled off my hide like a tepid stream of sink water.
"You fool!" I chortled , taking delight in her bewildered expression. "Don't you know that wyverns are highly resistant to all forms of sorcery? Your psionic powers are all but worthless aga-"
My gloating was cut short when my opponent blasted the ceiling, burying me beneath several tons of debris.
Even underneath all this rubble I could hear Sprite laughing at my expense.
"Well, that didn't go well."
"Shut up, Sprite!"
