Some very short stories

Chapters

"The Best Pony, " a story I wrote for a speedfic competition on Ponychan forever ago
A moralistic sketch involving Rainbow Dash
A stupid trollfic that I wrote in a pissy mood
A sketch involving Pinkie Pie, with a classic "weather report" opening
A really awful, I mean seriously godawful, self-indulgent piece of drivel involving Fluttershy

"The Best Pony, " a story I wrote for a speedfic competition on Ponychan forever ago

The Best Pony

"Hang it all!"

Rainbow Dash stood brooding over her latest creation, sweat running down her face and stinging her eyes, mouth dry, eyes bloodshot. A sordid smell taunted her for her labor, inspiring despair. The smoke detector in the hall looked on in ominously silent judgment, waiting for any excuse to reemploy its battery and speakers, its red eye blinking threats. Broken and defeated, and sporting a tattered and singed chef's apron to complete the picture, Rainbow Dash cut a ridiculous figure.

"There are only two days left!"

Mistakes had been made, certainly, but nothing that couldn't be corrected. Nothing that couldn't be... rectified. Time was running short, yes, but matters were not yet hopeless.

A sudden light switched itself on in Rainbow's mind, and without losing a second, she dove back into the refrigerator. She wasn't about to give in that easily...

The smoke detector blinked its red eye unsympathetically.

* * * * *

Twilight Sparkle whispered to Fluttershy.

"Where is she?"

"I... I'm not sure. Maybe she got held up?"

"She's the fastest flier in Equestria! That shouldn't matter!"

"Well, what if... what if there was a problem..."

"You don't mean... the birthday gift she's been working on for Applejack?!"

"Well, you know, Twilight, donuts are hard to make well... and apple glaze isn't exactly easy either."

"...You're right. I just hope she figured it out in time. Otherwise, somepony's feelings could get hurt."

Twilight and Fluttershy eyed their own neatly-wrapped presents bearing Applejack's name. It would be embarrassing for Rainbow if her gift turned out less than edible, but that was exactly what each of them feared would happen.

Rarity moved to join the conversation. "The decorations are complete, and Pinkie assures me that the party favors are in order as well. All we need now are Rainbow Dash and Applejack, preferably in that order." As it happened, Applejack showed up just then, bursting Rarity's bubble. Having been led by Pinkie Pie to an unknown location, and being fully conscious of what date she was born on, Applejack couldn't have been too shocked to find she was being led to her own surprise party, but she affected surprise nevertheless.

"Oh my goodness! Great Celestia! A surprise birthday party? For me? Really, I never expected this! You girls are too much!"

Twilight couldn't help but chuckle at Applejack's poor acting, but Pinkie seemed to eat it up. "That's because we TRICKED youuuuuuu!!! You never saw it comin', didya? We totally had you fooled, didn't we? Didn't we?"

At that moment, Rainbow Dash arrived, empty-hooved.

* * * * *

The time for cake had come and gone. The dancing and party games were over. Applejack was unwrapping her gifts. The last one, a new saddle from Fluttershy, was in her hands.

"Aww, shucks, Fluttershy. It's beautiful. I love it."

Fluttershy blushed. "I'm so glad you like it."

Applejack turned and counted her presents. "One, two, three, four... I guess that only leaves Rainbow Dash! Come on, pardner, what'd you get me? Let's see it!"

Every pony in the room stared at Rainbow Dash. Applejack suddenly realized that there were no more presents in sight. Apparently, Rainbow either hadn't set hers out with the rest, or....

Rainbow fidgeted. "Um... well..."

Applejack saw that Rainbow was uncomfortable. "Oh, sugarcube, it's okay if you didn't get me anything. I—"

Rainbow Dash interrupted her. "It's not that. I was going to cook something for you, but... well, apparently there's a good reason my cutie mark isn't a frying pan. So, sometime yesterday evening, after I failed at cooking donuts for the umpteenth time, I realized I'd be better off spending my time working on something I actually can make. And... I made it!"

Applejack looked around. "Oh?" She didn't see anything, and Rainbow wasn't holding anything. "Well, um... Where is it?"

Rainbow gave a smirk. "Step outside and you'll see."

Rainbow, Applejack, and the other four all stepped outside together and, at Rainbow's motioning, they looked up into the sky, to see a message written in the clouds:

APPLEJACK IS BEST PONY

Looking up, Rainbow blushed and laughed nervously. "Whoops... that was s'posed to say the best pony. I guess I was tired."

Applejack for her part, blushed too. "Aww, shucks, Rainbow! Who else but you would've done something like this? And to think, I've been walking around under these clouds all day and never once looked up at them!"

Pinkie Pie scratched her head. "Hmm... none of us looking up for a whole day? That is strange. How'd you pull that off, Dashie? Magic charms to keep our eyes fixed on the ground? Invisible weights around our necks? Huh? How’d you do it?"

Everyone laughed.

A moralistic sketch involving Rainbow Dash

Rainbow awoke with a start. Her restless blood burned in her veins, yearning for freedom.

Night had long since settled in, wrapping Cloudsdale in solemn darkness, but Rainbow never questioned this feeling. Desire didn't describe it—it was nothing less than a movement of spirit: spirit, that which overcomes the physical realm, that which alone is truly free. For freedom was what she craved. Her experience of sheerest freedom had affected her so deeply, years ago, that she still felt its influence in everything. Even now, her whole being—not excepting her physical frame itself—continually cried out to taste the freedom reserved for pure spirit.

Casting aside the burdensome sheets and stone-heavy blankets that chained her down on a nightly basis, Rainbow sat upright in bed, her mind clear, her heart focused on one thing only.

True freedom demanded a high price. But the cost to anyone unwilling to pay it was much steeper: the slave trade was hot in Equestria. Ponies daily sold themselves into every kind of slavery: slavery to the stomach, slavery to habits, slavery to possessions. Slavery to personal opinions, to popular opinion, to self-esteem. The slaveries of pride and of envy were particularly insidious, raising strife, hatred, and ill-formed desires where before there was only harmony and love. Nothing, however, matched the despair and confusion suffered by those who were slaves to double-mindedness, nor was any part of the disgraceful trade so widespread or subtle as this one.

"Know thyself!" enjoins the ancient saying, and the few who are wise enough or simple enough achieve self-knowledge.

The walls of Rainbow's cloud mansion seemed suffocating: a private prison of her own construction. She broke out in a panic, and began to fly.

She flew all night.

And when the night was over—she kept on flying, straight into the eye of the rising sun.

A stupid trollfic that I wrote in a pissy mood

[plz rate comment & subscribe thx]

Author's Note/Prologue

This story takes place in an alternate universe where Celestia didn't send Luna to the moon, but instead found a way to work out her differences with Nightmare Moon that didn't involve harsh punishment. This is because I don't think that it is in character for Celestia to send her own sister to the moon. She would have found another way to work it out. If you want to argue this point I will be happy to but do NOT reference the pilot of the show or season 2 in your argument. It is a long story why I say this but long story short I do not consider those to be "true canon" in the sense of being true to the spirit of MLP and to "love and tolerance" which is what the show was ORIGINALLY meant to be about.

My Little Pony: The Fanfiction

ONCE UPON A TIME A GODDAMN PONY

YEAH

Then there were fireworks and a fucking spaceship. Shit was way rad.

Then the Great and Powerful Trixie showed up and waved her Great and Powerful Magic Wand over the Great and Powerful Audience while crowing, "Behold! The Great and Powerful Trixie is incapable of speaking in anything like a normal voice! Cow before her tortured locutions, you muggles, for they are the sexiest part of a pone!"

So much making out was made that night, and so much use of alcohol and ecstasy was used, that night, amongst the hypnotized audience, which swayed hypnotically to the mellow twang of the Great and Powerful Electric Guitar Solo, swaying as if in a breeze, while a mellow breeze swept over Ponyville, the small town where Twilight Sparkle lives, who is Celestia's most faithful student, Celestia being the ruler of Equestria, which is the nation where the ponies live, which derives its name from the Latin word equus meaning horse, Latin being a dead language.

Gadflies, like shizophrenic pedophiles on the lam, were extracting sweet life-juice from Twilight's supple young flank, so Twilight kept swatting at them with her motherfucking tail. But she was getting so wet, privately, from the gadflies, for no reason, she said "Spike I am way wet will you dry me?"

Spike "hubba HUBBA!"

*cue canned audience laughter*

Twilight blushed a fiercely red blush that was unmatched in the history of the world in terms of how red the blush was and how much perverse magical embarrassment it had contained within its mystical nexus.

Then Rarity showed up, snarling and snapping, foaming at the mouth, saying 'darling' like a complete cunt.

Trixie was tired of being upstaged and cried, like a town cryer. Then my Original Character Donut Steal "Titty Baby" showed up with radioactive laser eyes and an MKG. Her epic soliloquoy was as follows:

"Trixie, or as your real name is, Trixonometry, look at me. Look into my eyes, and know that I speak the truth. I do not speak falsehood, for it would go against my cutie mark. I know your backstory and your origin and the inner you. You are chosen to be my well-oiled sapphic lover into eternity. I have often ordered my cringing servants to dress up in robes and wizard hats and caress my erogenous zones at various numbers of cycles per second using the very most erotic household items, which have ranged from toothpicks to compact discs. Also your mane is flowing? To be perfectly blunt and concise, I have a crush on you.

"My love is like a tired simile.

"I swear that I love the real you, the INNER you. I know what the INNER Trixie is like, because I often fondly daydream of being INSIDE you.

"Salamanders."

That was the thoroughly epic love poem with which Titty Baby caressed the Great and Powerful Eardrums, and thus reached the Great and Powerful Heart, which had previously been shriveled and black and two sizes too small, but which was now at least five sizes too big to fit inside.

Spike "Hubba HUBBA!"

*cue canned audience laughter.*

The Great and Powerful Heart burst out of the Great and Powerful Chest (due to the size not being able to entirely fit it all in, it burst from the stress). The Great and Powerful Lips were surprise and said, "Holy pony fuck, my lungs are escape!"

But then my Original Character, Donut Steel, said —Ill save you— and threw a washer.

Then Trixie used the washer shrunk her lungs put them back inside her body and fartingly said "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so good to breathe again." Then she turned and to Titty Baby she said "Pony fiction is like a box of chocolates from Pinkamena Diane Pie's bakery. You never know what is going to be mutilated inside."

(Authors note: cupcakes is a VERY SCARY disturbing story that has mutilated ponies inside it, that is what the last line is reference."

A sketch involving Pinkie Pie, with a classic "weather report" opening

Under the beautiful Equestrian sky, Pinkie Pie laid stretched out on the grass. The sun was fading, casting its dying palette across the evening's exceptional arrangement of clouds. Gorgeous hues of blue and orange suffused them with a magical glow so brilliant, it seemed to tint the evening air and enchant the wind. Gusts of warm, humid wind rustled the trees and tickled the grass, and a contented Pinkie allowed it to wash over her languid body, drinking in its freshness and purity. Sweet odours from the Palace garden wafted on the wind across the countryside, soothing animals and filling homes with reassurance and comfort. The wind carried the joyful noise of fillies at play, the rough talk of workers relaxing together, the gossip of socialites, and the busy sounds of commerce; but above all, the wind carried the love that was incipient in every motion of nature, every caress shared between a mother and child, and every breath and heartbeat of every living creature.

It was the beginning of another Equestrian night.

Pinkie stood up, breaking her train of thought. Life in Equestria could be stressful at times, but it never provided any cause for suffering—any good cause, at any rate. Wonders without end were lying at her hooftips: a cause for joy in each flower that bloomed and in each tree that bore fruit. Every songbird was a masterpiece, every piece of candy was a triumph, and every rainbow was a sensation. The sensations of life—the sound of rushing water, of leaves rustling; the smell of apple pie or roasted almonds or carrot cake; a hug from a loved one; everything down to the very kinesthesia of motion—all screamed out in silent joy: "We are in love! In love with life!" And life in Equestria was, indeed, very good.

As she sauntered homeward, the joy that Pinkie had discovered in being grateful for life, the same joy that had inflamed her heart and mind for years, now carried her exuberant pony body in its characteristic bounds of barely-contained ecstasy.

A really awful, I mean seriously godawful, self-indulgent piece of drivel involving Fluttershy

Fluttershy rested, meditating in the silence and solitude of the night after a busy day. Her daily expressions of kindness, though small, seemed large to the critters with whom she lived: Directing lost squirrels to their trees, safely delivering new baby bunnies, removing hazardous city trash from the waterways, planting new flowers to support a growing bee community....

Everything living needs sustenance. There is, on the cosmic level, a giving and a receiving. All living things need to receive from time to time, which often means they must take by force what they cannot otherwise get. A kind and generous giver, however, relieves creatures from the burden of having to take. The greatest gift of any gift, then, is the fact that it is given freely.

Fluttershy always gave herself totally and without reserve. In turn, she received gifts, precious ones, which remained hidden from the eyes of most but were more valuable than pearls. She stored them up in her heart, her private treasure-box, where they remained untainted and untouched by corruption.

A lone wolf, muddy and tense, limped hesitatingly across the threshold of Fluttershy's cottage. The red stain that began at its shoulder stretched almost to its tail. Wordlessly, without gauze or iodine, Fluttershy carefully dressed and treated the creature's wounds: the trauma of fighing, the horror of having to kill for food, the tragedy of constant solitude.

As long as some light shines, there will be no true darkness.