When Faces Meet Stairs
Rainbow still couldn't believe that it'd taken her this long to try out checklists for herself. It was like a heavy burden she didn't even know was there was lifted off of her shoulders, and she had no one to thank for it but Twilight herself.
Heh, egghead.
With checklist in hoof, she could master a dozen tasks at once, allocating time and resources to each with the precision and forethought of a pro. Everything in life became so much easier.
"Item thirty-two," Rainbow said, trotting towards the front door of her house. "Step outside and see the fresh new day, then head down to City Hall to file--"
Rainbow was cutoff as she missed the first step to the stairway leading up to her house's threshold. A lot of ponies make the mistake of assuming that a cloud house would be made of downy soft material, and that the front stairway would therefore be a pleasant journey through fluffy pillow land.
They'd be right if the pillows were filled with bricks.
The thing about cloud houses is that in order to sustain their original shape, they must be hardened and compacted into a near-solid state. Cloud housing was a difficult process, and the end result was a lighter-than air cloud that lacked density but made up for it in pure rigidity. Faceplanting on compact cloud was about akin to bashing yourself against a concrete floor.
"Owowowow!!" Rainbow yelped as she tumbled down the stairs. Her body twisted into weird, non-euclidean shapes as her face became very intimate with the cumulus pavement. It took several moments for Rainbow to even begin to reorient herself after she settled at the bottom.
"Oooooowwwwwwwww!!!"
She rested at the base of the stairs for a few, letting her body readjust to the new altitude. Her head was already starting to form a migraine, and a semi-professional athlete like herself knew what that meant. With a shaky hoof, Rainbow stood up and headed inside. She didn't dare try to fly until she was sure that she hadn't suffered any life altering brain trauma, so she stuck with trotting into the kitchen for an ice pack.
"Item sixty-eight," Rainbow intoned mechanically. "Learn how to win fights with stairs."
It was nearing noon when Rainbow finally realized that there will still more on the checklist for the day. As much as she wanted to sit around all day resting like a broken animal, she knew better. There were previously arranged meetings, set aside schedules that had to be met!
I'm starting to sound like Twilight.
Rainbow tried a few test flaps before deciding that she could manage to fly, at least as long as she took it easy. She zoomed up the stairs to her bathroom, cautiously taking the ice pack off to inspect the damage.
Oh no.
Rainbow stared in horror at the black ring emblazoned around her right eye. Where her flesh was normally a soft pink under her blue coat, Rainbow saw only livid purple, mottled and disgusting enough to shine through her fur.
I'm a dead mare.
Rainbow tried her best to keep her mane over her face as she headed through the town market. As long as nobody saw the glaring wound on her face, there wouldn't be any questions, right?
"Woowee, Sugarcube! Who gave you that ringer?"
Of course, Applejack just so happened to have an eye for detail and a competitive streak a mile long. There was no way she'd miss something like that on Rainbow of all ponies.
"N-nothing, AJ."
"That ain't nothing," the farm mare said, stepping around her cart to get a closer look. "Why I don't think I've seen a ringer like that one since Big Mac bucked my first coltfriend!"
"It wasn't from anything like that."
"Then what caused it?"
Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. Applejack was great at telling the truth, so she might as well be honest, right?
"Look, AJ, I was just walking out the front door to my house when I slipped and fell down the stairs."
"Ah, so you lost a fight with the stairway." Applejack smirked, hooking her hoof around her friend's shoulders. "If that's what you want to go with, I'm behind you all the way, sugarcube. If you ever want to tell me, though, I'm all ears."
"What? No!" Rainbow nearly groaned in frustration. "I'm telling you, all I did was tumble down a set of stairs!"
"That's what I just said, Sugarcube. What else could it have been?" Applejack winked. "Now if you don't mind, I have some business to attend to."
"No, I, but?" Rainbow took a deep breath. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Can I buy a half dozen apples?"
"Shoot, Sugarcube, as long as you promise me to not go picking no more fights with these 'stairs', I'll give you the set for free!"
Ugh.
"Hello, Rainbow D- Whoa!!"
The pegasus rolled her eyes as Twilight gasped. She didn't even meet her friend's gaze as she set the small stack of Daring Do books on the library table.
"It's not from a fight, if that's what you're wondering."
"Rainbow Dash, how in Equestria did you get something like that without getting into a fight?!"
"I fell down some stairs, alright!"
Twilight looked at her friend skeptically. "You fell down some stairs?"
"Yes."
"That's a bit odd, considering the way the bruising formed. Are you sure you're being upfront with me?"
"Twilight, why would I lie to you?" Rainbow huffed. "We've been best friends for going on two years now, and you still haven't learned to trust me?"
"No, it's not that!" Twilight amended. "It's just that I find it a bit hard to believe that you managed to nail the side of a stair without leaving a long, dark line across your face. Usually hitting corners does that."
"Well, you see, the stairs I fell on aren't exactly that angular..."
"Uh-huh?"
"I was being careless and missed the first step while walking out the front door to my house."
"Rainbow, isn't your house made out of clouds?"
"Yes, ma'am." The pegasus nodded. "Complete, bonafide, one-hundred percent guaranteed high grade cloud material."
"Then how, Rainbow Dash, did you manage to get a black eye from falling down a stairway made entirely of...clouds."
"By missing the first step?"
Twilight paused for a moment, thinking it over before finally settling with another 'Uh-huh.'
Rainbow groaned.
The door to the Carousel Boutique closed behind Rarity as she prepared for her weekly spa trip. She was just locking up when she heard a cough from a nearby bush.
"Pardon?" she asked.
"Rarity!" Rainbow whispered. "Over here!"
"I'm quite alright where I am, Rainbow."
"No one must see me!"
"Well if you're trying to hide from somepony, you're doing a very poor job of it."
Rainbow poked her head out of the bush, only to realize that her back half was already sticking out. "I guess you're right," she commented, extricating herself from its tangled branches to make her way over to her friend.
Rarity gasped. "What happened?"
"With what?"
"Your eye!"
"Yeah, about that, I was going to ask if you had any good makeups that could cover this up."
"Who'd you pick a fight with this time, Rainbow?"
"Nopony."
"Uh-huh."
"Please don't give me an 'uh-huhs'. I already got enough of those from Twilight." Rainbow sighed. "I just took a tumble down the stairs, nothing to be that ashamed of. I probably should've watched where I was going, but--"
"Nice ringer, Rainbow Dash!"
Oh no, not them. Not them, not now!
"What do you want?" she asked her old nemeses.
Never losing a beat, the three pegasi noticed her black eye and smiled. "Oh nothing, just making sure you were okay after we kicked your flank this morning. I hope you don't ever talk to us like that again. It'd be very bad for your health."
"Yeah, your health!"
"I didn't even fight you guys."
"Keep telling yourself that, Rainbow Dash," the leader of the group said. "Well she looks alright to me, right guys? Let's bail."
Rainbow watched as her lifelong tormentors took off to fly back Celestia knows where. She still couldn't wrap her head around what they were doing in Ponyville in the first place, but the long-standing vendetta the universe seemed to hold for her was probably answer enough.
"So...stairs."
"Um, yeah."
"Were the stairs shaped like three burly pegasi?"
"N-no."
"Mmhm."
"No, they were just making that up!"
"I see," Rarity intoned, looking at her friend skeptically. "And where were these stairs at?"
"Um, at my house." Rainbow shrunk a little lower. "Made out of clouds."
"Mmhm."
Everypony filed into Town Hall, still wondering why a town meeting had been called. There were seats and refreshments already in place, and the podium already had the mic hooked up and ready to go. Nopony seemed to know why they were there, but the free donuts were incentive enough to come regardless.
After several minutes of waiting, everypony watched as Rainbow Dash walked nervously onto the stage. She adjusted the mic to where in was just close enough to her mouth be heard before clearing her throat.
"H-hello, everypony."
"Hello, Rainbow Dash," the audience replied dispassionately.
"Well, seeing as you're all here and seem to have already enjoyed the refreshments, I'd like to get this under way."
Rainbow prepared to start her statement before seeing a hoof pop up. "Yes, Mr. Cake?"
"Are there going to be cookies too?"
"There're some chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies on the second table to your right."
Another hoof shot up.
"Yes, Mrs. Cake?"
"Can I have some cookies too?"
"Sure, knock yourself out."
A small sea of hooves quickly shot into the air.
"If any of you are asking if you can also have a cookie, I never said you couldn't."
The sound of chairs scraping on tile filled the room as everypony made a mass exodus to the cookie table. Rainbow Dash groaned, something she'd grown rather fond of lately.
"Well, as I was saying," Rainbow spoke as everypony started filing back into their respective seats. "I have a matter which I must make amends of here and in public."
Another hoof shot into the air.
"This isn't Q and A time, guys."
The hoof went back down.
"Thank you." Rainbow cleared her throat. "As I was saying, there's been a small grievance against me today. Apparently everypony is under the impression that I was defeated in a case of mortal combat against a trio of rather dimwitted pegasi." She took a deep breath. "Rumors of my defeat were...greatly exaggerated."
There was a collective murmur throughout the crowd.
"In fact, there was no fighting at all."
"Miss Dash," a certain scientific stallion interjected. "If it wasn't at somepony's hoof, then how did you get your black eye?"
"It was a set of stairs."
Everypony stared at her silently.
"Stairs, Miss Dash?" the good Doctor asked.
"Yes."
"And where, Miss Dash, were these stairs located?"
"M-my home."
"Oh really? Well then if you'd be so kind, could you tell what exactly these stairs were made of?"
"Clouds."
"Do speak up a bit, I can hardly hear you."
"Clouds."
"A little louder, please?"
"Clouds!"
Rainbow Dash blushed as everypony in the room started laughing.
Nine years had passed since the mysterious cloud-girl disappeared. A band of brave explorers ventured further into the Everfree, hoping beyond hope to find the elusive mare.
"What way's North?" asked one particularly clueless mare.
"That way!"
"No, it's left, you dolts!"
"I like pants!"
Sadly, this band of fearless pioneers were completely and utterly lost. Without a sense of direction or knowledge on how to use the fancy compass they'd spent a good hundred bits on, the dauntless crew was left stranded in the middle of the most dangerous forest in the world.
That's when they heard a growl.
"What was that?" one of the braver ones asked.
"I don't know."
"I think it was a taco."
"Tacos are sold in restaurants, you dolt!"
"I agree with Sonata. It was definitely a taco!"
"Now you're making my stomach growl."
"Now you're making me growl!"
"Quiet, you dolts! There aren't any tacos in this neck of the woods!"
"But today's Taco Tuesday."
"Yeah, they have to have some tacos."
The (relatively) smart member of the squad rubbed her temples. "I'm surrounded by idiots."
That's when the timberwolves attacked. The brush around them exploded as a pack of vicious beasts surrounded them, long strands of sap-like drool oozing from their maws. Everypony present was scared spitless.
"Want a taco?"
"Rawr!"
The wolves were just closing in when a rainbow streak flew through the clearing, taking the wolf's muzzle with it. The rest of the timberwolves backed up, looking around for the threat.
"Kalabunga!" a mare screamed, jumping in among them. She was a flurry of motion, throwing jabs and kicks left and right. The wolves soon scattered under the fury of her attack.
"Whew, glad I got here in time. What are you kids doing in this neck of the woods?"
Sonata stared at their rescuer. She was a rough and tumble pegasus with a blue coat and a rainbow mane, and while the mare seemed unkept and rather dirty, she didn't seem to take notice to this fact.
"A-are you Rainbow Dash?"
The mare sighed. "Yeah, that's me."
"Oh good!" Sonata sighed in relief. "We just have a question, if you wouldn't mind answering it."
Rainbow groaned. "Go ahead."
"How'd you get that black eye?"
The sounds of frustrated screaming woke every bird, beast, and animal within a ten mile radius.
The End
