Princess Celestia is Illuminati

by So Here In My Garage

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1291

Twilight Sparkle confirms that Princess Celestia is in a notorious secret society.

After immense research, Twilight comes to a startling revelation. She decides to tell Spike about it, to his dismay.

Published 2015-07-10 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-10 04:10:01 UTC

Dear Princess Celestia, I Figured Out Your Biggest Secret

This was the fifth morning in a row that Spike woke up to Twilight babbling nonsense. He decided that this time was all or nothing. Spike grabbed a mirror from one of the shelves. If the baby dragon couldn’t talk Twilight into breaking her obsession, then he’ll have to show the alicorn what her pointless research made her become.

Spike walked downstairs to once again find countless papers and books were strewn across the floor haphazardly. He insisted multiple times on cleaning the mess, but Twilight would always take a stance against that, always saying that the irrelevant sheets of paper was vital to her research.

Twilight, with a disheveled mane, maniacally pranced to one of the bookshelves, quickly searching through its remaining contents. “A-ha!” The princess finally found the book she needed. The blue paperback, titled Mammals of the World, was relatively thin compared to what Twilight usually read, but it was still important to her weeks of research.

The alicorn quickly flipped through the pages. “Of course! Why didn’t I think of this before?!” Once the princess was done, she threw the book onto the pile of junk of the once well kept floor of the Golden Oak Library.

Twilight quickly trotted back to her desk and picked up a pen, accidentally spilling her coffee she made for herself hours before in the process. Twilight went on with writing on her notepad; trivial things like coffee were extraneous when the fate of Equestria lied on the secret she desperately searched for, and was on the brink of finding.

"Are you still on this Illuminati stuff Twilight? It’s been about three weeks now.”

“I can’t stop Spike, not when I’m this close.”

“You’ve been up all night for five days in a row now, you should get some sleep!”

Twilight went on with writing. “Spike, I’m extremely close to proving that Princess Celestia is in the Illuminati! You don’t realize that we’ve been lied to our whole lives, everypony in Equestria has been lied to!”

"For the final time Twilight, Princess Celestia is not in the Illuminati!"

Twilight finally stopped writing, she flipped back to the first page of her notepad. “If I tell you everything I’ve found so far, there will be no doubt that you’ll be on my side.”

“Don’t you think you’ve become a bit obsessed with this Illuminati nonsense? I mean look at yourself Twilight!” Spike pulled a mirror in front of Twilight’s face. Twilight stared at her hideous reflection, remaining stoic the whole time.

“If that’s what it takes to save Equestria, then so be it.”

Spike became aggravated for Twilight’s lack of self-concern. “I swear I’ll get Princess Celestia herself to come over here to put some sense into you,”

“So you don’t believe me?”

“No! I don’t see why anypony would believe your constant ramblings.”

“If I tell you, then will you believe me?”

“No!”

“Will you at least give me a chance?”

A tear ran down Twilight’s cheek, when she needed his assistant, his friend the most, it seemed like even he left her. Spike could detect this modicum of sadness now expanding. He realized what she needed now more than ever was a friend on her side.

“Fine,” Spike finally succumbed to Twilight's moment of need.

“Thank you Spike. Oh wait, before I tell you, I suggest wearing sunglasses because shit is about to get real sunny."

I might’ve just been duped, Spike thought.

The song Mind Heist started to play in Twilight's head as she started to once again quickly trot across the room.

"Princess Celestia, she controls the sun. Sun, praise the sun, Dark Souls. Dark Souls has nine letters in its name. Spike, do you know what else has nine letters in its name?"

Spike stared into the ceiling to think of an answer. "Uhhhhhhhh....."

"That's right! A marsupial. Marsupials are an infraclass of mammals that live primarily in Australasia and the Americas."

"Australasia?" Spike got a confused look on his face. "That exists?"

"Yes, it does, now let me get to the point! A well known marsupial is a kangaroo. Kangaroo, Kangaroo Jack. Do you know what else rhymes with Kangaroo Jack?"

"Applejack?" Spike guessed.

"NO! It's obviously Sonora lac! Sonora lac is secreted by a scale living on twigs of certain Mexican shrubs. It's used locally as medicine. Medicine, disease, Ebola. Ebola is found in Africa. Zecora is a zebra, which is also found in Africa. Does Zecora have Ebola? Probably.”

To think that Spike actually thought that Twilight was going to say something intelligent.

Twilight continued her rambling as the music in her head grew louder. “Ebola has five letters, Celestia has eight letters.”

"Let me guess, eight minus five is three, there are three sides on a triangle, so Illuminati confirmed."

"Woah, woah, slow down Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown, Lucy, football, Super Bowl, Patriots, Deflategate, Tom Brady. Tom Brady has eight letters in his name, Celestia is also eight letters. Is Princess Celestia really Tom Brady? Does this have anything to do with the Illuminati?"

"Um, no it doesn't, and you're not making any sense!" Spike's eyes squinted at the purple alicorn.

"Um, yes it does, it has a lot to do with the Illuminati! Let me explain! Eight plus eight is sixteen, the word Otolaryngologist has sixteen letters, Otolaryngologists diagnose and manage diseases of the ears, nose, sinuses, larynx, mouth, and throat, as well as structures of the neck and face. I whispered in your ear when I first told you of this, so I probably gave you Ebola, Twilight Sparkle has fifteen letters in its name, Ebola has five letters, and fifteen minus five is ten, Princess Luna has twelve letters, twelve minus ten is two, Princess Luna has two eyes, her sister Princess Celestia also has two eyes and two divided by two is one, there is one eye in the Illuminati so," Twilight took a deep breath to recover. "Princess Celestia is Illuminati confirmed!"

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say," Spike covered his face with his hands.

Twilight was flabbergasted at that reaction. Weeks and weeks of research and it was only doomed to be denounced as stupid? Twilight wasn’t going to let that go by. She needed to do something, something to show the little dragon who’s really crazy. "Do you want me to prove that you're in the Illuminati?!"

"I'm not in the Illuminati Twilight."

"Oh really?! Let's find out! Spike, Spike is a dragon. You know what else is a dragon?"

"Oh Celestia, help me," said Spike as at this point, he started to walk back up the stairs.

"That's right! Saphira! Saphira is blue, you know what else is blue?!"

Spike continued to march up the stairs, he wanted to get back to sleep.

"That's right, Rainbow Dash is also blue! Is Rainbow Dash a dragon?!" Twilight became cross eyed as she stumbled forth into insanity. Princess Celestia, with two soldiers of the Royal Guard, stormed into the Golden Oak Library to witness her student's downfall. She wasn’t going to let anypony, not even her most faithful student expose her. "I don't know!" Twilight continued yelling like a maniac. "Rainbow Dash is fast! You know what else what else rhymes with fast?!"

"How about shut up at last!" Celestia pointed her hoof directly at Twilight. "Take her away!" The two guards grabbed Twilight and dragged her towards the exit of the Golden Oak Library.

"I'LL EXPOSE YOU!" Twilight boomed as she struggled to break free from the grip of the two guards. "I ALREADY KNOW YOUR SECRET, SOON EVERYPONY WILL!"

"That's what you think," Celestia grew a malicious smile on her face.