Nona

by Pumpkinonimous

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Anthro, Comedy
Length: 13072

The one human in Ponyville has to deal with a changeling stuck in his back door by its horn.

Our nameless generic character-type-person is back! This time he has to deal with a Changeling that's gone and got itself stuck in his back door by it's horn! Does he leave it there? Does he get it loose? Does it eat him? You'll just have to read it to find out!
Twilight Sparkle makes a cameo appearance.
Warning! This is my weirdest, wildest story yet! Not for the faint hearted!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-11 15:39:15 UTC

Nona: Part One

Okay, well, here I am; your nameless, faceless, generic, organic, plain ordinary character type person. (No, I’m not that nasty green prick, Anonymous. Fuck him! The guy writing this really needs to give me a name!) I’m back to tell you yet another tale from my - sometimes horrifying - life in the weird little town of Ponyville.

Ever wonder what Ponyville’s really like? You don’t want to know! Really! You don’t! Shhhh! I didn’t tell you and you never heard it from me! Lets just say they have really good press agents!

Anyway, The sexual relationship between Twilight and me had run it’s course. She’d learned and experienced everything  that I could teach her and I’d showed her and enjoyed with her everything I could think of or was willing to show her without totally freaking her. Turns out there wasn’t a lot that freaked her out.

She drew the line at BDSM, water sports and gore, which was fine with me since I wasn’t into any of that anyway but, other than that, she very enthusiastically tried pretty much everything else at some point. She gave a whole new definition to the term “Headmaster”. Ironic for somepony planning on becoming a teacher.

Still, after a while things started getting a little monotonous, almost routine and, after about three years we just decided to end that part of our relationship.

Still, we went on being really close, tight friends. You can’t get that close to someone and not stay close and intimate with them afterwords unless it ends really badly - which it thankfully didn’t - so we were both happy about that. ‘Nuff said.

So! I’m sitting on the back porch of Golden Oaks one evening (Yes, Golden Oaks has a back porch and really nice back yard, too!)

So, I’m out there enjoying the colors of the sunset. Yeah, sunsets in Equestria are always really pretty, thanks to the excellent work of the Weather Management Teams.

I’m sitting out there sipping nice, cold, tall glass of some kind of weird berry juice Twi’d made earlier that day when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

It was already dusk. Things in the shadows were hard to see, especially if they were dark, too, so it was the motion that got my attention.

I looked off toward the bushes on the far side of the yard and noticed... Something... rummaging around in the dirt like a dog snuffling for bones. I had no idea what it was.

Curious, (Fuck me!) I got up, stepped off the porch and took a couple of steps closer to it to get a better look. It never occurred to me that it could’ve been something dangerous. I gotta watch out for that.

Well, wouldn’t you know that dark something suddenly whipped around, hissed and glared at me with these horrifying blue-green glowing eyes. It crouched down, shook it’s ass back and forth like a cat ready to pounce on a mouse.

Yep! You guessed it! It was one of those changeling hoard things although I had no idea what it was doing in the back yard of the Golden Oaks.

No, I was not about to wait and ask that thing why it was there. No way! I was so shocked and horrified by that thing that I crapped myself before turning and running for the house.

No sooner had I slammed the door behind me then I heard a very loud thunk and a cracking noise behind me like wood snapping.

I turned to see about six inches of scraggly, nasty  looking black horn full of holes poking through the wood of the door. I, of course, jumped back startled.

A moment later screams and the sound of scrabbling hooves. Ack! Those screeching screams! Like nails on a blackboard. That made me want to whip the door open and punch the thing, which I almost did.

Just then I wondered where Twi was. She should have been running down the hallway about now, screaming and shouting about changeling invasions or something.  Nope! Nothing! That’s when I figured out that she really wasn’t home for once. Bad timing. If she were here she could have blasted the thing.

Yeah, whatever. It was my situation, I had to deal with it.

Too curious for my own good (Fuck me!) I opened the door to find that nasty little changeling hanging by its horn and struggling with all it’s might to get free. It was about two thirds the size of a normal pony and it seemed like an adult but how was I to know? I had no idea. I was guessing.

“Well, well, well!”, I smirked, crossing my arms, confident now, “Funny to find you hanging out, here.”

“Get me out of here you... Piece of food!”, it screamed at me, intensifying its struggles until it was flopping about uselessly.

Just to be clear I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t like to see things suffer. Anything. Yeah, I’m funny that way.

So, here’s this crazy changeling thing threatening to snap it’s own neck trying to escape and me, being a bigger softie than even Fluttershy, starting to feel sorry for it!

“Hold still! You’re going to break your neck!”, I ordered firmly as I reached out and tried to grab the crazily flopping thing.

“What?! Fuck you! Why do you care if I break my neck?!”, it shouted, still struggling. “You all hate us! And you’re food to us anyway and if I get loose I’m going to rip your soul from your body and munch on it like a Snickers bar!”

Wait... How did this thing know about Snickers bars? Had it met - and possibly eaten the soul of - some other human who, for whatever stupid reason, happily  told it about Snickers bars as they died? I shuddered at the thought.

“I.. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself, okay?”, I blurted, really worried for the thing, now.

It stopped fighting, just hung there looking at me sideways. It was obviously totally confused by what I’d just said.

“Wait here! Don’t go anywhere!”, I said, sarcastically before stepping back into the house and closing the door.

“You fucker!”, it screamed, fighting again to get free, “Get back here and get me loose so I can swallow your soul! Bastard! Sonofabitch! Fucker! Prick!”

Yes, I was willing to help the beastie but not while I was carrying a full load in my drawers.

I ran upstairs, took a quick shower, put on clean clothes and headed back downstairs.

Yep! There was that horn still sticking through the wood of the door just like I’d left it.

That very expensive door. Built expensively into a very expensive house. Twi would have a shit fit when she saw it. I cringed imagining that her high-pitched, angry screeching would make my ears bleed. Yeah, we’d had a few screaming arguments like that. It wasn’t pretty and no friendship’s perfect.  Oh, did I mention Golden Oaks was really expensive?

It was then I noticed another weird, screeching noise for the first time. It was real. I wasn’t imagining it. Or hallucinating as I’d been prone to do from time to time since I came to Equestria. Maybe it was the water?

Crying?! Since when did crying sound like someone dragging a big sheet of aluminum over a field of rocks?

I opened the door to find this thing with its face buried in its... Hands? Hooves? What the fuck?! Gah!

Anyway, there it was, doing whatever changelings do when they’re all bent out of shape.

Yeah, okay, I’m really stupid when it comes to some things. This was one of them.

Feeling bad for the thing I reached up and tried to stroke a spot that I thought had fur or hair or something on it. I was just trying to comfort the poor, miserable creepy soul eating demon-from-Tartarus thing.

Well, wouldn’t you know it? This thing reacted like I’d bit it on the ass or something!

It started screeching again, flopping around crazily and calling me every name in the book.

I had a thought. (Oh, fuck me!)

“Don’t you dare say anything bad about my mother or I’ll rip your fucking head off, tear your eyeballs out of the sockets and skull fuck you then stuff it up your ass!”, I barked. Yeah, I really didn’t want this thing insulting my mother. That would have been too much.

So, anyway, it stopped screeching and flopping long enough to glare at me before it sighed and hung limp from its horn.

“Fine!”, it grumbled. Damn! It took me serious? I was impressed with myself!

“Okay, I’m glad you stopped moving”, I said, “now I’m going to grab you so don’t go ballistic, okay? I’m going to try to get you loose from the door.”

“What the fuck do you care?”, it growled at me, “You should just let me die! I don’t want to live anymore, anyway.”

“What? Why?”, I asked. Yeah, I was surprised. Really. It then dawned on my slow, tired brain.

“You got thrown out of your hive, didn’t you?”, I asked. Don’t ask me how I knew that. Don’t ever ask me how I know anything. It’s safer that way.

“Fuck you in the ass with a cattle prod!”, it screamed, struggling more violently than before. How did this thing know so much about stuff from Earth? I was really beginning to wonder.

“Welcome to your new home stuck in a door! Enjoy!”, I shrugged before starting to close the door on this weird thing.

I wondered if I should just call animal control? Wait, was there one? I didn’t know!

“No! Wait! No! I’m... I’m... Sorry! Don’t leave me here!”, it screamed. It was getting to the point where that nails-on-blackboard screeching was really starting to get to me and I didn’t want to have to endure hours of that while it died  so I opened the door, again, looked at it.

“Did you just say..?”, I sneered, mustering all possible sarcasm from every cell in my body.

“Yes! Yes! Fuck you! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”, it screeched, again.

“Um, really? You’re really sorry?”, I smirked, “Sure doesn’t sound like you’re sorry to me!” This thing was getting on my nerves and payback’s a bitch.

“Oh, you mean-ass sonovabitch dogfucker, you! I said I was sorry! Now get me loose!”, it screeched in a seemingly impossibly high pitch that made my teeth hurt.

“Okay, well”, I shrugged, as I cracked my knuckles and stepped up cautiously behind it, “don’t you dare zap me or do any of the freaky things you changelings do or you’re dead meat and I mean slowly and in as agonizing a way as I can think of!”

“Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty to me”, it said more sarcastically then I thought was possible from anything living or dead.

“I’m gonna smack your shit!”, I said. I really was getting annoyed.

“Yeah, yeah, okay”, it said, relaxing as much as it could. That’s when it hit me.

“First, a Pinkie Promise”, I said. It didn’t say anything but I was guessing it was listening, “You have to Pinkie Promise me that if you get lose you won’t bite me, attack me or try to eat my soul like you’re sucking on a juice box!”

Yeah, I knew about Pinkie Promises. Who didn’t? Everyone accepted Pinkie Promises like they were some kind of binding, written legal contract. I was hoping it’d be the same way with the changelings, too.

“Fuck you!”, it said, talking instead of screeching for once, “I’m not making a Pinkie Promise! What kind of fool do you think I am?”

“The kind of fool that gets itself stuck head-first in a door. Now, Pinkie Promise!”, I repeated more firmly this time.

The thing visibly winced. Yeah, it walked right into that one!

“Okay! Fine! It growled, I... I... Pinkie Promise!”

I was surprised as hell to discover that Pinkie Promises seemed just as binding with changeling freaks as they were with anyone else. Pinkamina Diane Pie had some serious power!

“Great! Thanks!”, I said as I stepped around behind... It? I grabbed its back legs with the intention of trying to pull it loose from the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”, it shouted, “you can’t get me out that way!”

I was holding this thing by its back legs, those legs spread apart by the space between my hands, it’s tail swinging and flopping around. It was just then that I noticed the very pink slit of it’s very female... You get the idea.

Okay, so, it’d been a while since I’d had sex and, still suffering from the onslaught of post-pubescent hormonal rage and being a sick, kinky fucker anyway... Okay, maybe not that bad? Don’t judge me! (Yeah, you’re reading this. You know who you are!)

Yeah, okay! I don’t know what it was... Maybe this thing threw off some incredibly powerful sex hormones... Maybe,  but I caught a whiff of it’s scent. Wham! Instant boner!

Being young and stupid I wasn’t about to pass up a chance to get free and easy pussy, even if it was a changeling. Pussy’s pussy and I really didn’t care at that point, I just wanted to get my dick wet. In that second my mind shot south at light speed in a very sick and twisted way. You were expecting something else?

I let go of her legs, stepped through the door, returned a moment later with a step ladder. I knew I’d need it for what I was about to do, next.

“How the fuck are you going to get me out of this door with that?”, she said.

“Oh, I’m not going to use it to get you out of the door”, Total smarminess incarnate.

I opened the step ladder and set it down directly behind her, whipped my cock out and stepped up until I was in the right position. I grabbed her back legs, spread them apart.

“Uh, what are you doing?”, she asked nervous now. I’m sure she heard my zipper go down so I guessed she had to know what I was planning. How could she not?

“Oh, no! You’re really not going to do what I think you’re going to do, are you?”

“Yep!”, I said gleefully.

“Oh, no way! Uh uh! I don’t even know you’re name and you ain’t getting shit without dinner and a movie, first!”, she shouted.

Hmm... A changeling whore? Who knew?

“Guess again, Sweetheart!”, I said in my best Humphry Bogart voice. Bad. I sounded like Rodney Dangerfield.

“No! Please! Don’t!”, she said, struggling, trying to get her legs free, “Please! Don’t do that! Stop it! Stop!”

I centered the head of my cock on her slit, began rubbing it against her hoping it’d get her wet.

“Noooooooooooooooo!”, she shouted, “No! No! No! Please! No! Stop!” I had no idea changelings could plead like that.

Her body started to respond so I continued rubbing my cock head against her. She was getting wetter and wetter.

“It feels too good!” She was breathing hard now. “I... I love it too much! If you start I’ll just want to keep going! Please stop, now!”

“Oh, so you love it, huh?”, I said, starting to push into her.

Just then she let out a loud, screeching moan.

“You fucker!”, she gasped, “You found my one weakness!”

“Your one weakness?”, I asked. I stopped.

“Yeah”, she gasped, “I love to fuck humans more than anything, you sick, twisted bastard!”

“Fuck yeah!”, I said, delighted, as I started pushing into her, again. She was wet! And damn tight!

“No! Fuck you!” she growled, “You got me all horny and I’m still stuck in this door!”

She had a point! What fun would it be fucking her if I ran the risk of breaking her neck and she died in the middle of it? No, necrophilia was definitely not my thing.

I stepped down off the ladder, opened the door and headed back into Golden Oaks.

“What the fuck?! What’re you doing now? Don’t leave me like this! Get back here and fuck me!”, she shouted as I walked off toward the basement. Yes, Golden Oaks has a basement, too! Deal with it! Oh, did I mention the attic?

“I’ll be back with something to get you out of the door with”, I shouted back.

“Pinkie Promise me, you fucker!”, she shouted back at me.

I froze, shocked. I really wasn’t expecting that.

“I said Pinkie Promise!”, she shouted again.

“Yeah, yeah, okay”, I said, “I Pinkie Promise.”

All was quiet as I headed off to the basement.

I returned a moment later with a chainsaw.

I was pulling the start cord as I approached the door.

“What the fuck is that?!”, she screamed, totally freaked when she saw the terrifying thirty six inch bar and well toothed blade on that thing.

She started struggling frantically when I pulled the cord one last time and it roared to life. She screeched louder than ever, started fighting that door like it was her worst nightmare. Maybe it was? Hell, I’ve known people that were scared shitless of dust bunnies!

“Hold still! I don’t want to cut you!”, I shouted over the roar of the saw.

It took her a minute to calm herself but she did, holding perfectly still a moment later.

Using only the very tip of the saw, I carefully cut a circle around the horn until I’d cut an almost complete circle, leaving only an inch or so of intact wood in place.

Stepping outside, I grabbed the top of the cut round, began to carefully pull until the circle broke away from the door with a loud crunching crack.

I then grabbed the changeling before she could fall, cradled her in the crook of my arm while I hit the saws cut-off switch.

I set her down on the porch, headed back downstairs to put the chainsaw away, returned a moment later with a small wood saw.

My boner long gone, I was kind of half hoping that she’d take off while I was gone so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this weird shit, anymore. No pussy was worth all this!

Nope! My luck! I stepped out on the porch to see her sitting there  with that jagged circle of wood still stuck to her head.

Worse than anything so far, even worse than that evil screeching, she was now looking up at me with huge puppy dog eyes! Holy fuck! On anyone else it would have been adorable. Nope! Not on this thing! There’s nothing more blood curdling than a changeling making puppy dog eyes at you.

I was momentarily horrified by the sight but a pinkie promise is a pinkie promise. She kept hers so I’d keep mine!

Still holding the saw, I crouched down in front of her, grabbed the piece of wood.

“Hold still, now. I don’t want to cut you”, I said.

Amazing! She’d gone from being this terrifying whirlwind of rage and death to something as docile as a kitten. She even leaned her head forward to help me get to the wood better as I began cutting.

“You got a name?”, I asked

“Nona”, she said quietly.

“Nona?! What the fuck kind of a name is that for a changeling?”, I asked.

“Fuck you!”, she muttered.

“Hey! I’m just sayin’. I thought you’d have a name like Black Wings Of Death or Hell Fang Soulfucker or something. Not Nona.”

“Fuck you! It’s my name! Get over it!”, she grumbled as I kept cutting.

I was getting close to the horn so I slowed down, cutting more slowly until I’d managed to cut all the way through the wood panel without touching her horn with the saw teeth.

“So, did you get thrown out of your hive?”, I asked. She paused. I was beginning to think she wasn’t going to answer.

“Yes.” She said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.

“Why?”, I asked.

“Because... Reasons.”

“That’s got to suck! What’re you gonna do now?”

She didn’t say anything more, just stood there looking like she’d lost everything, which she had, which really sucked.

I then started cutting on the opposite side of the panel. Again I was careful not to cut her horn when I got close to the other side of that cut. It took me a while to finish but it finally fell in two halves on the deck of the porch. Nona looked up at me and gave me one of those creepy smiles of hers.

“Thanks”, she said quietly.

“For what?”, I asked as I kept cutting.

“For being careful not to hurt me.”

Was I imagining things? Did she just smile? I didn’t know whether to be relieved or creeped out.  I began studying her. As I studied her details I started having regrets about what I’d planned on doing, earlier.

“You don’t have to fuck me in this form”, she said, quietly.

I dropped the saw, jumped back and fell on my ass.

“You... You can read my mind?!”, I shouted.

“Surprise!”, she smirked sarcastically, then more calmly, “but only when I’m not emotional. I was too upset to do it, earlier.”

Scrambling mentally I started thinking of anything, everything, other than the sick and twisted sexual fantasies I’d been having.

Bicycles! Yeah, think of bicycles! Nope. Didn’t work.

Did she giggle? I got chills.

She suddenly lunged at me faster than I could react. I fell back on my ass shouting. I guess Pinkie Promises didn’t count to changelings after all? I shut my eyes and grit my teeth waiting for the end. I hoped it would be quick.

Nothing! No feeling like I was having my soul or whatever sucked out of me like a spider sucks the guts out of a fly. That’s what I thought it’d be like, anyway.

I looked down to see she had her arms wrapped around me. Her head was laying against my stomach Her eyes were closed and she was smiling. The bitch was hugging me! Well, okay! That was better than her sucking my soul out or whatever.

She looked up at me with that creepy, green-eyed, fanged smile.

“Thank you”, was all she said.

I just sat there staring down at her relieved that I wasn’t about to die in some weird, horrible changeling way. I guess Pinkie Promises meant something to changelings after all.

“Now, let’s get down to business”, she said a moment later, looking at me like she couldn’t wait another second to get my clothes off.

She stood up, closed her eyes. A second later the surface of her body began to flow in waves as her shape began to change. Something was wrong, though. she seemed stuck as she shut her eyes tight and concentrated harder. She still looked stuck. She wouldn’t change.

“Damn fuck damn!”, she growled a moment later, “I’m too weak and hungry to change!”

Then she looked at me again with those huge, watery - and very creepy - puppy dog eyes.

“I’m really really hungry!” she hissed. She started looking at me like a dog looks at a raw steak. I scooted back a couple of feet.

“Hey, you made a fucking Pinkie Promise!”, I shouted, scared now.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I did”, she said.

She started crying again in that weird, raspy, squeaky semi-growling crying voice of hers. It really creeped me out.

“I’m reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally hungry!”, she whined again.

“You can eat normal food, right?”, I asked. I hoped more than anything right then she’d say yes.

“Yes”, she said. She looked disgusted, “but do I have to?”

I got up and started walking back in the house,, stopped long enough to look back at her. Shit! Those freaky puppy eyes, again!

So there we were in the kitchen. Nona was sitting at the table staring at her plate of food like it was rancid cow shit.

She picked up a piece, sniffed it. Made a face like she’d just smelled dirty gym socks. I mean really dirty gym socks!

She took a bite. I had to work hard to keep from laughing. Ever see a dogs face when it’s eating peanut butter? Of course you have! Everybody has! What rock have you been living under? Anyway, that’s the face she was making.

That was bad enough. Watching her swallow was a journey into the dark side of freakiness.

She gulped. Loudly. That huge bite of food slid down her throat like a slow motion scene from a vore video! That was the first time I was ever horrified, fascinated and turned on all at the same time. Boner, no!

What a time to discover a new fetish?

She stared at me. Her eyes were begging.

“Do I have to do that again? It’s gross! I don’t want to do it anymore!”

“What, you don’t like the way it tastes or what?”, I asked.

“D’uh!”, she said, “changelings don’t have taste buds! Everything tastes like shit to us!”

“Oh”, I said. I really didn’t want this thing getting too tempted to Snicker snack on my soul so I had an idea.

I took her plate, threw the stuff in a blender, clicked it to high, threw in some water and made a soup out of it.

I went back to the basement, came back a moment later with a chunk of garden hose. I washed it then stuck a funnel on the end of it.

I grabbed the soup and walked back to her. I held up the funnel hose.

“Take a deep breath and open wide!”, I said. She stared at me.

“No! You’re not really going to... Are you?”

“You wanna starve to death?”, I asked.

She didn’t say another word, just took a deep breath, held it, shut her eyes tight and opened wide. Damn! Them fangs! And that mouth! It looked like the pits of hell in there! Just then I wondered if she’d ever seen a dentist.

She winced when I shoved the hose down her throat. I poured the soup into the funnel until it was all gone.

She coughed and gagged when I pulled the hose out.

“Fuck! Shit! Fuck!”, she spluttered, gasping for air.

“I bet you’re not hungry any more”, I grinned, looking down at her now swollen stomach.

She looked down at her now swollen stomach, patted it, smiled.

“Nope! Not hungry anymore but are we going to have to do this every day? It’s gross. Kind of a turn on but still gross.”

Hmm... Turned on by a hose down her throat? A kinky changeling? Equestria was definitely a weird place. But, hey! That’s why I liked it. Bondage ponies? Bondage ponies!

A second later she made a face like a cat hocking up a fur ball and cut loose with a belch that rattled the walls!

“Yeah, definitely better”, she said.

Oh, man! That freaky, fanged smile! Was I losing my mind or was I starting to like it? I scratched my head and considered therapy.

It was then that I noticed something. The holes in Nona’s horn and limbs were almost gone. She looked... Healthier? How does a zombie looking thing look healthier? Damn! She almost looked like a smaller version of any other pony! Almost. I found myself considering therapy again.

Suddenly Twilight! Ack!

“Hey! I’m back! Where are you?”, came Twi’s shout from the other end of the house.

Holy shit! This was bad! Really bad! I knew it’d be bad enough when she saw the busted up very expensive back door but if she saw a changeling sitting in her kitchen?! I feared for my life.

Just then Nona jumped up on the table and turned herself into a dinner plate just as Twi stepped in. I stared.

“Oh, hey, baby! What’s up?”, she said, walking into the kitchen smiling. She kissed me on the cheek.

Oh, nothing, nothing!”, I grinned nervously. She eyed me.

“Are you okay?”, she asked, “you seem... Weirder than usual.”

“Yeah! Yeah! I’m fine! Just finishing dinner.” I grit my teeth while trying to keep that grin on my face.

I picked up the plate that was Nona, went to the sink and  washed it. Tiny sounds of coughing and spluttering. I grabbed a dish towel, dried Nona off and stuck her in the dish rack.

“Okay if you say so”, said Twi. She walked to the cupboard, got a glass. Over to the fridge. She got juice out, poured some, headed for the back door.

Shit, no!

Not knowing what else to do I raced over to her, wrapped my arms around her, started kissing her passionately. She almost dropped her glass. Yeah, she was startled. She wasn’t expecting that but a second later she melted into the kiss.

“Ooh! Aren’t you in a mood!” She gave me a ‘fuck me’ smile.

“Um, yeah. I guess”, I said. What the fuck? She eyed me again.

“Hey, it’s fine with me if you want to”, she said, “but give me a little while to unwind, first.”

She headed for the back door. I grit my teeth, facepalmed, waited for what I knew would come.

“What the fu... What did you do to my very expensive back door?!”

Yep! There it was. I winced, waited for what I knew would come next.

Twilight stormed back into the kitchen, her horn glowing in anger, her wings twitching. She looked like she could have killed me without even thinking about it.

She strode up to me, started jamming a forefinger in my chest. Yeah, she was pissed!

“That very expensive door cost over twenty five hundred bits! What’d you do to it? It looks like you hacked a hole in it with the chainsaw!”

I hung my head then explained to her what had happened, being careful to leave out the changeling rape parts. She definitely wouldn’t understand that.

“Oh, well, then I guess it was for a good reason”, she said. She was definitely calming down. “You’re still going to have to pay for that very expensive door!”

I winced but, at least, I’d dodged a bullet. Sort of. Wait, what?! Gah! I began calculating in my head how many years I’d have to work at the Apple farm in order to pay that door off. Fuck!

Calmer now Twi took her glass and headed for the back porch.

“Shit! Daddy’s gonna kill me when he sees this!”, I heard her mutter as she reached the door.

A moment later, silence. Okay, this was my chance to.. Well, not make things any worse than they already were.

I went to the sink. Shit! There were three plates in the strainer! Which one was Nona? I couldn’t remember.

“I’m over here, fucktard!”, muttered a very nice piece of gold trimmed china. I picked it up, set it on the floor. A moment later Nona was standing where the plate had been. She was soaking wet! She glared at me. Guess I hadn’t done such a good job with the dish towel after all.

“C’mon! I have to get you out of here! If Twi sees you it’ll be bad. Really bad!”, I said, grabbing her arm. Yeah, I was really nervous.

Still holding Nona’s arm, we ran for the front door.

“Wait!”, she shouted, “We can’t go out there! If people see me they’ll freak out and kill me!”

Yeah, good point. Still holding her arm I ran for the stairs. A moment later we were in my room.

We stood there catching our breath. What now? Had I walked us into a trap? Oh, shit! Twi was going to be coming up here expecting to... That would take hours! Shit! Shit! Shit!

I stared at Nona for a minute, thinking.

“Hey, can you just turn yourself into a bird and fly out a window or something?”, I asked.

She looked at me like I’d just cut a really foul fart.

“Are you retarded or something?”, she asked, “Of course I can’t change myself into no fucking bird!”

“But you changed yourself into a dish!”

“That was different.”

“How the fuck is that different?!”

“Because... Reasons!”

“Hey, baby! Get ready! Momma’s on her way!”

Shit! Twilight was coming up the stairs! She’d be here in a second! My thoughts raced frantically. What to do? What to do? Fuck!

Just then Twi walked in. Fuck! I’d forgotten to close my door, again! She stared for a moment then smiled.

“Well, hi there!”, she was smiling, then she raised an eyebrow at me, “So, what’s this, baby?”

I whipped my head around to see what was going on, almost shit myself. Again.

Standing behind me was the most drop dead gorgeous green-eyed, strawberry blonde mare I’d ever seen!

“Hi! I’m Nona.”

Twi looked at me. Yeah, she was definitely wondering what was going on. She took me by the arm, led me back out into the hallway.

“Um, baby... I thought we agreed no threesomes?” she said,” You know I don’t like those.”

“Well, um... Uh... You know... Uh”, I spluttered, “She was... Here and... I forgot!”

“You... Forgot?” No, it was obvious she wasn’t falling for it.

Twilight was not stupid by a long shot. She eyed me suspiciously then headed off down the hall. She returned a moment later with a changeling detector lamp. Damn that too-smart brain of hers! She’d figured it out!

I jumped frantically in front of the door, blocking it.

“Wait! I can explain!”, I shouted. The contents in my ass pushed hard against my clenched and straining anus!

Looking past me, Twilight shined the lamp on the now very nervous blonde. Areas of changeling showed through where the light hit her.

“What... Have... You... Done?!” Twilight was furious. Her ears lay flat on her head, her horn glowed brightly, her wings twitched fiercely She glared at me, fire in her eyes.

I felt myself shrink three sizes while trying to avoid her eyes.

“Well?!”, she shouted.

“Okay I was out on the porch and she was out there and she saw me and jumped at me so I ducked inside just in time for her to get her horn stuck in the door and then I cut her out with the chainsaw and another saw and then she was hungry and I made her make a Pinkie Promise not to eat my soul so I brought her into the house to give her some normal food but she couldn’t eat it so I put it in the blender and stuffed a hose down her throat with a funnel on it and poured the stuff in the blender down her throat she wasn’t hungry anymore and then you came home so she turned into a dish and hid in the strainer until you went out to the back yard but I didn’t want you to see the door so I kissed you in the kitchen but I was just trying to be a nice guy, which I am and I didn’t like seeing the thing suffering because you know I’m worse than Fluttershy when it comes to that stuff and I didn’t want it hurt, okay?”

I blurted all that out in one frantic breath.

Twilight stared at me, her eyes bugging. She was having a hard time taking it all in.

She dropped the lamp and doubled over laughing. I let myself smile a little, relaxing. I looked back to see Nona relaxing a little, too. Maybe it was going to be all right after all?

“Uh, so, we’re cool?”, I asked, testing the waters.

It took less than a second for Twilight to go from laughing back to furious, again.

“Get out of my house!”, she growled.

Nona: Part Two

So there we sat, Nona and me, on a trash heap, just past the edges of the Ponyville Municipal Dump, in the middle of the night wondering what we were doing there and what we were going to do, next. With no homes of our own, now, what would we do?

Yeah, Twilight was definitely not happy with me. I mean, I knew she would have been willing to forgive me for smashing her very expensive door in her very expensive house but bringing in a changeling? I wondered if she’d ever speak to me again.

I turned to see Nona catching and eating flies. Flies? Why couldn’t it be something classy like crickets? Why’d it have to be flies? I decided right then and there her lips would never touch mine!

Still, it was fascinating to watch, in a really creepy sort of way.

Her tongue! It was like a thin, red whip at least six feet long flicking out from her mouth, snagging a fly and whipping it back instantly to its demise as she swallowed it. Did she even bother chewing?

Again, that slow motion vore thing as she swallowed, the small lump rolling down her throat as the hapless fly was dragged irresistibly down her gullet to an acidy doom. Was it still alive when it went down? I shuddered and was glad I wasn’t a fly!

“So, what do we do now?”, she asked.

“Fuck all if I know!”, I grumbled as I picked up another paper clip, hooked it into its impromptu rubber band slingshot and fired off another round at some nearby totally adorable dump hamsters.

I’d been doing that for an hour and hadn’t hit a single one. They’d gotten to a point where they’d just stand up, stick their tiny fingers in their ears, stick their tongues out and make faces at me.

Nona’s tongue shot out, snagged another fly. It disappeared into her mouth in a blur.

“I mean, sure, the food here’s good but we can’t stay here”, she said, “someone’s bound to find us then we’re screwed.”

I gave her a look.

“You think snagging and gulping down flies is good food?”, I asked, feeling my stomach rise in disgust.

“Well, there are other things I could snack on”, she said, licking her lips and eyeing me.

“Hey! You made a Pinkie Promise!”, I said nervously.

“Not that, silly!”, she said.

Before I could stop her she squatted in front of me, pulled my zipper down. I stared as she pulled my cock out, stuck it in her mouth and started sucking on it.

A blowjob from a changeling at the local dump in the middle of the night. Great! My life was perfect.

“Woah! Hey, woah!”, I shouted, pushing her head away, “You got them fangs, girly! I don’t want my horn ending up with more holes in it than yours does!”

She looked up at me.

“Yeah, good point”, she said, then, “watch.” (Holy shit! Did she just try a pun?)

She lifted her upper lip with her finger, revealing her teeth and, as I watched, those enormous and very scary fangs retracted into her gums and disappeared. “There, better?”, she asked.

“Uh, wow”, I said, not knowing what else to say.

She leaned down and went back to work on Mister Happy.

She looked up at me, smiled, wiped the spit from her chin.

“Like it?”, she asked.

“I wasn’t really in the mood and this is a really weird place to be doing this, anyway.”

“I thought it was a good idea. Something nice for you, free protein for me, win win! But, hey, if you don’t want to”, she shrugged.

"We’re in a public place”, I said, “I mean, anypony could come by and see us, you know?”

She rolled her eyes.

“Oh, yeah! Look around at all the ponies running around here in the middle of the night!”, she said, sarcastically, “we could charge admission! We’d make a fortune!”

Smartass. Still, she had a point. I looked around. There wasn’t a pony to be seen for miles! Only those smarmy little dump hamsters  who were slapping their asses and mooning me. Annoying.

I saw a brick, grabbed it, chucked it at them. They scattered with little squeaks as it hit the ground near them, reappearing a moment later. They squeaked angrily and flipped their tiny middle fingers at me. Only in Equestria!

I looked at her, shrugged, put my cock away.

A moment later she nestled her head down on my lap, closed her eyes.

“So, what gives with you changelings anyway?”, I asked.

“What do you mean?”, she asked.

“Okay, no offense, but you all seem so out of place in Equestria, like you don’t belong here. I mean, look around! It’s the land of pastel colored joy and happiness! Everything’s like something out of a kid’s story book! But, then, there’s you guys, er, gals, er whatever.”

She put her hand under her face, sighed and closed her eyes, snuggling deeper into my lap.

“We were never meant to be here because... reasons”, she said.

It was instantly clear to me she really didn’t want to talk about it so I let it go.

I was in a talking mood so I thought of another question. I hoped it wouldn’t bug her.

“So, why did you get chucked out of your hive?”, I asked.

She opened her eyes, looked up at me, sighed.

“You’ve been so nice to me all day so I guess I owe you an explanation of that at least”, she said. I waited.

“I got thrown out for being too nice”, she said.

“The fuck? You got thrown out for being too nice?”

“I won’t eat the souls of ponies or humans I like”, she said. “My mom, Chrysalis, warned me a bunch of times not to do that. I have my principles so I ignored her. She finally got pissed at me and chucked me out for it.”

I sat thinking about that. A changeling with principles? What was next? Discord going to the Grand Galloping Gala in drag in a gown created by Rarity? Wait, that’s something he might actually do!

Just then I remembered something.

“Hey, how do you know so much about stuff from Earth?”, I asked.

“I’ve been to your charming little paradise”, she said, sarcastically, “Oh, yes! Cars! Trucks! Freeways! Planes! Traffic! Pollution! Crime! Poverty Tivo, AOL and the Bush family! Woah! Who’d wanna leave a place like that?”

“And when were you there?”

“A bunch of times”

“When?”

“What, you mean like last time?”

“No, I mean when some old guys in tights signed the Declaration of Independence! Of course I mean last time!”, I said.

She looked at me and giggled.

“I’m rubbing off on you”, she said.

“Like a dog humping my leg”, I said.

She laughed. Yes, she laughed! It was the first time I’d seen her do that since I met her, which really wasn’t that long ago but, still... I didn’t know whether to be charmed or puke!

Still, it was kinda nice in a nice kinda way and it was a lot better than when she’d been screeching, which was something I hoped I never have to hear, again.

“Speaking of humping...”, she said, giving me a look that instantly  made me think of a giant neon sigh that flashed “fuck me!” in hundred foot high letters. For the first time in my life since I’d hit puberty I wasn’t interested in sex! What was wrong with me?! I began trying to remember Lyra’s number, or whoever was working at Ponyville Mental Health these days.

“Seriously! When was the last time you were on Earth?”, I asked. She sighed.

“Give me a minute and I’ll calculate it down to the last nanosecond”, she said. Total sarcasm.

I was catching on fast. She had two kinds of sarcasm;  one kind when she was joking, another kind where she was getting annoyed. She had a unique tone of voice for each one.

“Sorry I asked.”

“I’m sorry”, she sighed, “I’m being a total bitch. You don’t deserve that. You’ve been really nice to me.”

So, there we were sitting in the dump in the middle of the night with her snuggled in my lap and me chucking random objects at the increasingly annoyed and pissed off dump hamsters. Why did it have to be hamsters? Hamsters were useless.

At least they weren’t guinea pigs. I shuddered at the thought of dirty guinea pigs with filthy, nasty matted fur and demonically blazing red eyes manically rummaging through the garbage for half rotten pop tarts.

Suddenly the hamsters didn’t seem so bad to me. I stopped chucking stuff at them. They kept squeaking angrily and flipping me off, anyway.

Nona sat up and looked at me. I noticed, for the first time, here eyes weren’t glowing that sickly green like black light posters in a Berkeley head shop.

“Let’s go”, she said.

“Go? Where? This’s Ponyville. Everything around here closes when the sun goes down”, I said.

“No, not Ponyville, silly! Earth! We can go to Earth!”

I stared at her like she’d suddenly sprouted three heads out of her left shoulder and two out of her right, and then another head out of the first head on her left shoulder just for good measure.

“Besides? We’ve got nothing here, now! I’ve got no hive, you’ve got no home, what’ve we got to lose?”, she asked.

“It costs eight hundred bits for a return ticket to Earth! For two of us, well, sixteen hundred bits”, I said, “and all the money I’ve got has to go to pay Twi for that insanely expensive door of hers.”

“We don’t need tickets”, she said.

Again, another look like she was instantly sprouting heads from everywhere!

“Uh... How do we do this without tickets?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of a teleportation”

“Well, D’uh! Twi uses it all the time. Sometimes too much, I think. Wait, what?!... Are you saying... That you can..?”

Was she really telling me what I thought she was telling me. I couldn’t wait to hear the answer!

Nona didn’t have to say a word. The smile she gave me along with a nod told me everything!

Still, transporting from one place to another was one thing but transporting across dimensions to an entirely different planet?! I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that could be done!

“Uh...”, I muttered, my face blank, mouth hanging open. I must have looked to her in that moment like someone totally wasted on drugs because she did a double take then broke into that raspy laugh of hers.

“What?!”

“Your face just now! It’s too cute!”. She smiled sweetly.

Yeah, were we even here? Was this even happening? Was Equestrian water making me hallucinate again? Ponyville Mental health: Appointment: Make one: ASAP!

I blinked, closed my eyes tight for a second, opened them. Nope! I wasn’t tripping.  We really were sitting in a dump sharing space with angry, manic hamsters and she really was looking at me like that.

She reached up and stroked my face with her fingertips with a look on her face that made me cringe inside. Oh, man! Was she getting... Feelings for me? I didn’t even want to think about it. Me and a love struck changeling? I was beginning to regret getting out of bed that morning!

“How’s that even possible?”, I asked when I thought I was coming back to what I really hoped was reality.

She stood up, looked down at me smiling, held her hand out to me.

“Let me show you.”

I hesitated a moment, skeptical and uncertain of what she was about to do. Sorry, but I still didn’t quite trust this Changeling although, up to this point, she’d given me no reason to distrust her.

I mean, she’d kept her Pinkie Promise so far but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. For all I knew that promise would disappear in an instant if she got too hungry or just got bored with me.

After all, I wasn’t the most interesting guy in the world. Or the most handsome. Or the most well hung. Or... Yeah, I really don’t have a lot going for me but I do the best with what I’m stuck with.

Suddenly, a seeming ADHD moment for her as her eyes shot up toward something fluttering above our heads.

A second later that insanely long, whip-like tongue shot out of her mouth, returning a second later clutching a large, green and desperately fluttering moth. It was huge! Oh, did I mention it was green?

It disappeared into her mouth and, with a gulp and a lick of her lips, it met its fate. Still, why was I getting turned on by watching that lump slide down her throat like that? I began seriously questioning my sanity.

“Ooh, I just love those!”, she cooed delighted, “they’re so... Nice and juicy!”

I cringed as I thought of the bugs I’d squashed in my life, felt my stomach rise as I imagined the taste of such a thing. Nope! I’ll pass, thanks! I stared up at her.

“Well, come on!”, she insisted, smiling, holding her hand out to me again, inviting me to stand up.

I was still hesitant but my curiosity (fuck me!) Got the better of me. I rose to my feet and took her hand and hoped we wouldn’t end up buried in solid rock or, worse, New Jersey!

“Well, hang on! This could get a little bumpy”, she smiled. Was she trying to be reassuring? It wasn’t working! I shut my eyes tight, grit my teeth, held on and prayed we wouldn’t end up in Hoboken!

Nona: Part Three

As I watched, Nona closed her eyes and her horn began glowing like a Fourth Of July sparkler. An instant later everything around us began to shift and change like reflections in a stream.

My guts felt like they were turning to water. I screamed, leaped into Nona’s arms and clung to her whimpering in terror.

The last thing I saw before we faded into nothing was her holding me,  looking down at me with a confused, disgusted expression.

An instant later we were barreling headlong at unbelievable speed - or maybe we weren’t moving at all? Anyway, down some kind of rippling, shifting, brightly glowing tunnel that looked like some psycho’s PCP induced nightmare. I continued screaming as my bladder emptied itself into my underwear.

Another instant later we found ourselves plopped down on... What? Macadam? A roadway?!

“Bloody ‘ell!”, I shouted when I heard the blast of an air horn, opened my eyes to se the blinding headlamps of an enormous lorry bearing down on us.

I clung desperately to a concrete barrier as the lorry roared past me at a hundred kilometers per hour, the powerful wind of its slipstream threatening to tear me from my precarious perch as I hung on in desperate fear for my life!

A moment later, silence. I dared to open my eyes and look around. What?! We were on the A5 north east of London proper! Wait... How did I know that? And how did I know it was also called Edgeware Road? And how did I know there was an Underground station not more than ten minute’s walk from where we were?

“What’s all this, then?!”, I muttered, clapping my hand to my mouth in shock a moment later.

What?! Why was I talking like some English guy?! And where was Nona?! I turned to look in the direction of whoever was still holding me, leapt to the ground in shock when, instead of seeing Nona I found myself looking at a truly gorgeous, petit little olive skinned brunette with the most awesome tits I’d ever seen!

“I’m sorry, luv!”, said the brunette apologetically, “Seems I’ve put us in a bit of a spot!”

Yeah, it was Nona’s low and raspy Marlene-Dietrich-gargling-with-glass voice but, now, with an English accent?!

All of a sudden that British twanged voice was the sexiest thing I’d ever heard and my cock responded with it’s own version of a happy hello. Boner, no!

I looked about, again. There! To the south west! The lights of London! Wait... How the hell did I know that?

I grabbed the brunette’s hand and dragged her along as we raced for the grass past the edge of the roadway.

We plopped down in the grass a moment later.

“Bollocks!”, I muttered. What the fuck? I’d meant to say ‘fuck’ and that came out? What was going on? I turned to the hot and gorgeous brunette for answers.

“I’m sorry, love, I have no idea!”, she shrugged.

“Well, can you at least get us out of ‘ere?”, I asked. What?!  That voice sounded so weird coming out of me.

A moment later the spot above her head where her horn should have been sparkled and glowed and we were gone. Again that weird day glow psycho light show tunnel.

A moment later reality (?) Reappeared. We were sitting on... muddy ground... in a... What?

Then, the angry grunting of dozens of... Pigs?!

“Was zum Teufel?!”, I shouted when I saw those pigs running at us, “schweine?!”, then, “Ich bin jetzt eine Deutsch?!”

How the hell was I able to speak German and how did I know we were now sitting in the middle of a pig pen on a pig farm somewhere outside of Bonn, Germany?! What was going on here?! And who was this blonde woman with the enormous boobs sitting next to me?

Another sparkle, another poof and then...

Oh, man! Now I was, sitting buck naked on the stage of a Japanese live sex show in the Ginza, dozens of cheap suited, sweaty middle aged half-drunk business men happily cat calling and cheering from the audience. They were all speaking... Nihongo?! Japanese?!How the hell did I know that?! And how’d I know what they were saying? I was freaking out!

“Oopsah”, I heard from my left. I turned to see this beautiful, raven haired, brown eyed but very worried and very naked Japanese woman sitting next to me.

Another poof.

A moment later we reappeared in the Ponyville dump as a now Nona-shaped-Nona and I sat holding our heads, woozily and wobbly, trying to shake our minds clear of our sudden, intense dizziness our brains were whirling in.

“The fuck happened?!”, I muttered when I could finally speak. It was my normal voice, again.

“I have no idea!”, said Nona in her normal metal-over-gravel voice. She was staring at me just as confused as I was.

“Has that ever happened, before?”, I asked.

“No!”, she said, “But I’d never transported with anyone before, either!”

“Remind me to kill you. Slowly. Brutally. If you ever suggest doing that, again”, I grumbled, wishing the world would quit spinning around so damn fast.

“Oh!”, she moaned lustfully, “Stop! You know how I love it when you talk dirty to me!”

Now I was beginning to wonder about her mental health!

We sat there for a while longer, waiting for the effects of... Whatever that was... To wear off.

“I think I know what happened”, said Nona, when she’d finally stopped wobbling like a weeble. I looked at her. I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation!

Just then she turned away from me, threw her face toward the ground, clutched her stomach, began puking her brains out. I rushed over to hold her long, black hair out of the way. She sat up a moment later, a sour expression on her face. She wiped her chin with the back of her hand.

“Thanks”, she said, her smile returning, “you’re sweet.”

I shrugged but didn’t say anything. A moment later we were sitting on a spread of old newspapers we’d laid out earlier to keep us off the foul smelling dirt of that dump. I looked around. The hamsters were nowhere to be seen.

“So?”, I asked a short time later.

“What?”, she asked.

“You said you had an explanation”, I said.

“Oh... Yeah”, she said, then, “I’m exhausted!”

I hadn’t noticed a minute before but now that the world wasn’t spinning like mad I realized I was, too. I laid back on the newspapers, tucked my hands behind my head. A second later Nona was snuggled up on me.

“You screwed up my magic”, she said.

“I screw everything else up so that’s not surprising”, I said, “So, how’d I screw up this time?” Yeah, my life was like that.

“Biology affects magic”, she said, “You’re not a pony so magic works differently on you.”

Yeah, that explained a lot, like the time Twilight was using me for a guinea pig for one of her magic experiments, tried to change my hair color and ended up with me look like a cross between The Lich King from World Of Warcraft and egg plant. She never did figure that one out.

“So, what was all that with me talking like an English guy and then me spouting German and you being a brunette, a blonde and then that naked Japanese woman?”

“We became people from the countries we traveled to”, she said.

“Oh”, I said, like she was telling me the time. Maybe if I wasn’t half dead from exhaustion it might have actually registered somewhere in my brain how insanely weird that was. I closed my eyes. Nona snuggled closer into me.

“I’m hungry”, she muttered.

“Pinkie Promise”, I said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know!”, she said, “I already told you I don’t eat the souls of people I like and I really like you so quit worrying, alright?”

Just then I felt her shudder, then stiffen.

“Oh, shit!”, she muttered, “We have to get out of here! Now! Well, okay, really soon!”

“Why?”, I asked. Just then I heard the weird chirping squeaks of the dump hamsters. I looked over to where the squeaks were coming from to see them constructing a... Catapult? They were aiming it at me! Fuck!

I looked at Nona who was sitting up, now. She wasn’t looking at the dump hamsters but at the horizon. I noticed it was getting light.

“Problem?”, I asked.

“Yeah I can’t be out in direct sunlight”, she said, sounding worried, “It... Makes me sick.”

“Are you too tired to shape shift?”, I asked.

“Maybe not”, she said. She closed her eyes and focused. A moment later there was a gorgeous redhead sitting on the ground where Nona’d been.

“Nice!”, I grinned, looking at her. Nice rack, too! Perfect boobs. Just the right size. Num!

“I know your fondness for redheads”, she said, I’m glad you like it.”

Wait! How’d she know that? Oh, yeah, she could read minds. I’d forgotten about that. Then a thought hit me... Well, actually more like snuck quietly up on me and brutally assaulted me when I wasn’t looking.

“Isn’t you looking like a human gonna attract a lot of attention?”, I asked.

“Not as much as my turning into a local pony would”, she said. Yeah. She had a point. That could be really awkward, especially if she shifted into, say, the Mayor or Princess Celestia? Yeah, that could be a problem. I wondered if we could get into movies for free that way?

“So, where to?”, she asked. I shrugged.

The only thing that might be open this time of the morning might be the bakery. They always opened really early. I wondered if Pinkie Pie’d be working the counter. Of course she would. Did she ever sleep? Then I wondered if she was a speed freak. She acted like a speed freak. Wait! What was I thinking? Oh, yeah. We had to figure out where we were going. Okay. Plan. I started heading for Twi’s house. Nona stared at me.

“I still have a key”, I said, “we can probably sneak in, get to my room.”

“You may not be smart but you got balls!”, she said. Thanks. Wait... What?!

I noticed Nona’s shape kept shifting a little.

“I’m too tired to keep this form”, she said. She was reading my mind again? That could be convenient. She shifted back to herself after a minute.

Finally, Twi’s house. I took the very expensive key from my pocket, stuck it in the very expensive lock, turned it. Nothing! Shit! She’d changed the locks already? Fuck! That bitch had some connections! I tried again.  Still nothing. Then, the sound of hooves clacking on the very expensive oak wood floors. Nona jumped down off the porch, scrambled into the space underneath.

“Ooh, nice! Spiders!”, I heard her say a moment later from under the porch. Next, the sound of her whip-like tongue flicking rapidly in and out. I thought of videos I’d seen of ant eaters attacking an ant hill and winced.

I heard the doorknob click, the door opened a crack. Twi peeking angrily out at me.

“What do you want?”, she asked. She looked like she’d been up all night crying. I didn’t ask.

“Uh... My stuff... Maybe?”

“Yeah, sure, okay”, she said, leaving the door open then turning and heading back down the hallway.

‘Yes!’, I thought.

I headed straight up to my room, locked the door behind me when I got inside, started looking around. Yes! Rope! Yeah!

I opened the very expensive window above the porch, took out the very expensive screen, set it carefully aside, uncoiled the rope and dropped an end out the window.

A moment later Nona was hovering outside, her weird little wings flapping like a humming bird and buzzing like a chainsaw. Why didn’t it dawn on me that Nona wouldn’t need a rope? I cringed at my own stupidity.

“Shhhh!”, I stage whispered, alarmed, as I snatched her into the room. I pulled the rope back in, stuck that very expensive screen back into that very expensive window and shut it.

Nona started tiredly crawling onto the bed covers. Just then I noticed the stink.

“Nuh uh! No way!”, I said, “you ain’t sleeping on that bed all funky like that!”

I walked toward the very expensive private bathroom. Yeah, my room had its own bathroom. Nice! I paused, turned and looked at Nona. She stared at me for a second then got up and followed.

A moment later we were standing in the shower, a nice, steamy stream of hot water flowing down our bodies. Nona was really getting into it! It hit me; had she ever taken a shower, before?

“No, I haven’t but this is wonderful!”, she cooed. Fuck! Mind reading me, again! I thought of how that could be annoying at times. My brain assaulted me; if she never took showers how’d she keep clean?

“You don’t want to know”, she said. Yeah that mind reading thing could definitely be annoying.

I grabbed the soap, started washing myself. When I was done I thought of Nona turning her back to me. She did. I started washing it.

“Ooh!”, she cooed as I scrubbed, “You know I’m loving this, right?”

‘Yeah’, I thought. I knew she’d hear it.

After a while she took the soap, started washing my back. It was so nice! I thought of the times Twi’d washed my back. Nona slapped my back with the little towel she was washing me with. Crap!

“Horny thing!”, she giggled.

“Yeah, I’m just a regular manslut”, I chuckled.

Later, washed and dried, we crawled into bed. Nona snuggled tight against me under the covers.

It was weird. She felt good laying against me like that. I started making out with her. She didn’t push me away.

I started kissing down her body. Her breathing deepened and got more rapid.

A moment later my face was down between her legs. I stuck out my tongue and started licking, searching for her clit. Changeling pussy? Changeling pussy!

“No! Stop! Don’t do that!”, shouted Nona, really alarmed as she grabbed my head and pushed it away from her crotch, “Don’t ever do that!”

I stared up at her.

“Because that’s a dangerous thing to do!”, she said, reading my mind. I wondered why.

“Because watch!”, she said.

Okay, maybe the mind reading thing could be convenient at times.

She spread her legs, revealing the bright pink slit of her very wet pussy. She closed her eyes and started stroking it with the flat of her hand.

A moment later, a pink, whip-like thing that looked like her tongue peeked out, started moving around like it was searching for something.

“Put your cock near it”, she gasped, breathing hard now.

“What?!”, I gasped, “no way!”

“Please!”, she begged, “I’m so horny now! Give it to me!”

That pink whip thing coming out of her pussy was searching more frantically now.

I shrugged. What did I have to lose... Except my Mister Happy? Fuck it!

On my knees, I scooched up close to her. A second later that pink whip thing wrapped itself frantically around my cock, started undulating all over it but then it started pulling me inside her. Damn! The whip thing had a grip like a professional wrestler! There was no way I could resist or pull back even if I wanted to, which I kinda did but not. Besides this thing would have ripped Mister Happy out by the roots if I’d pulled back. Fuck it! I let it pull me inside her.

She didn’t move her hips. She didn’t have to. That whip thing in her was rubbing all over my cock now like I was fucking  an Earth worm on meth! Then the whole inside of her pussy started squeezing on me, undulating like I had my cock in the  cup of a milking machine! I told you! Never ask how I know these things!

Anyway, it felt great! Better than anything I’d ever felt in my life! Within a minute she was shouting hot gasps in my ear cumming harder and harder! She just held tight to me, biting my ears! Ooh, that was hot! A minute later, screaming, I nutted the biggest load of my life in her!

She tightened up like a spring, gave one last gasping shout and went limp.

“Fuck, I needed that!”, she gasped. All I could do was lay there on top of her gasping, myself. Yeah, a lot of gasping.

Just then my slow brain had another thought. I shuddered. It’s a good thing I hadn’t finished what I’d started doing on the step stool the day before. That would have been incredibly embarrassing if Twi’d come home just then and seen that!

Then another thought. What if that thing had wrapped itself around my head while I was trying to eat her out?

“It would have pulled your head in and you would have suffocated”, Nona said, still breathless. I shuddered. Wait? That thing could pull my head into her pussy?

“Yes”, Nona said, “I would have cummed incredibly hard but you would have died.”

“You’re the weirdest pony I ever met”, I said.

“I’m not a pony, I’m a bug”, she whispered in my ear as she snuggled harder against me.

Wait... What?! A bug? How was Nona a bug? I’d been fucking a bug?! No way! I’d been fucking a bug! Fuck! I’d been fucking a bug! At least you don’t have to ask me how I knew that! You were there! You saw it! Be afraid!

Should I be freaked out by this? I wondered.

“Get over it”, she muttered, then, “If you’re going to be so fucking offensive then maybe I should just get up and leave!”, growled Nona in my ear. In that moment her mind reading was a real pain in the ass.

“I’m sorry”, I apologized. I was sincere, then, “So what was that whip thing?”, I asked.

“My clit”, she said.

“That was your clit?! The whole thing?!”, I said. Yeah, I was honestly surprised.

“Yes”, she said, “That’s why I cum so hard.”

I shrugged. That made as much sense as anything else in my fucked up life in this fucked up town in this fucked up world. Or maybe it was just me? Maybe Equestria wasn’t so fucked up? Maybe I’d just seen nothing but all the weird shit? Who knew? I didn’t.

Suddenly I wasn’t tired, couldn’t sleep. I got up and went to my closet, dug out the box of bits I’d been saving along with a counting machine.

I plopped down on the floor, opened the box, dumped a handful of bits into the counting machine, turned it on. It started making a loud, rhythmic metallic rattling noise as it counted.

“Gnah! The fuck?! What’re you doing? Quit it! I’m trying to sleep!”, muttered Nona, sitting up and looking at me sleepily now.

“I’m counting my bits to see how much I got”, I said, as I picked another handful out of the box.

“Well, can you do it later?”, she muttered, as she lay down and pulled a pillow over her head, “I’m tired! I want to sleep!”

I looked at the numbers on the counter; six thousand and I was only about half way done. I dropped another handful into the counter. It kept clacking.

“Gaah!”, shouted Nona angrily, sitting up and staring at me now.

“Why the fuck you got to count your bits now?”, she asked.

“Cause I want to see if I’ve got enough to go back to Earth after I pay for the door.”

“What?! Why?!” She looked shocked. And hurt.

“I think I’ve had enough of Ponyville”, I said, “Besides, I can’t stay in this house, anymore. I’d have no place to live and I don’t want to be homeless in Ponyville. It wouldn’t be hard but it’d be really embarrassing. I don’t want to go through that.”

She stared at me like her heart was breaking.

“What... What about me?”, she asked. Her lip was quivering and she looked like she’d start crying any second. I stopped and thought.

Yeah, I could go back to Earth, that’d be cool. I could stay at my moms house until I got settled and into a new place but, what about Nona?

“What about you?”, I asked, counting again.

That did it! She was pissed, now! She threw the covers off, jumped out of the bed, ran over to me and back handed me right across the head! I fell back with a yelp. Shit, that hurt! She hit hard! I stared up at her.

Her horn was glowing and she looked like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to kill me or eat me first and then kill me. In either case she was mad! Really mad!

“We’ve just been through adventures, together, and I fucked you! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!”, she shouted. I stared up at her as the machine counted the last of the coins I’d put in. After a minute it just whirred. Nona growled and kicked it. Bits went all over the floor, some of them rolled under the very expensive dresser. Fuck, now I’d have to move that heavy ass thing out of the way to get them.

“Fuck that thing!”, she growled. I stared back up at her, again. Another thought. She has feelings for me? I’d suspected as much but now I was really wondering.

She stared angrily at me for a minute, then her expression softened. She squatted down next to me, wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Yes”, she said in a quiet whisper. Well, that answered that question.

“Okay, so, go with me, then.”, I shrugged, “I’m sure you don’t want to stay here any more than I do, now.”

“Really?!”, she smiled.

“Yeah, sure, why not? You know what a softy I am. I’d feel like shit if I left you here to deal with fuck all on your own.”

“Thank you!”, she squeaked happily, hugging me tightly now, “Oh, and I’m sorry I hit you.”

I reached up, felt the sore spot, realized there was going to be a bruise there. Fuck it. I shrugged, picked up the counting machine, started collecting my bits off the floor.

A moment later Nona’s horn glowed. The bits that had rolled under that VERY EXPENSIVE dresser floated out from underneath and into the pile I was making.

“Thanks”, I said, as I started pouring a handful into the counting machine, again. Nona gathered up the rest of the coins, dropped them in front of me.

“So, when do we go?”, she asked.

“As soon as we can get out of this house without getting killed by Twi”, I said. She giggled.

Just then the loud pounding of a hoof on the door.

“You... Prick!”, came Twi’s loud shout, “you brought that changeling slut back into my house again, didn’t you?”

Yeah, she was pissed. She’d probably kill me now in some really fucked up, magical way, maybe turn me into a hayburger and eat me or some other fucked up thing. I shrugged. Fuck it.

I got up, walked over to the door and opened it. Twi looked past me, saw Nona. Her horn started glowing hotly. Nona glared back at her, her own horn glowing now. They looked like they were going to try to kill each other any second.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m leaving! I’m going back to Earth”, I said.

Twi’s face snapped toward me. Her jaw dropped. She stared.

“Leaving..?”, she said, breathless from the shock, “but, I thought you loved it here?”

“I do... I did, but... You know”, I shrugged.

She turned, started to leave. I asked her to wait. She did.

“I want to give you the bits for the door. What was it, again? Twenty five hundred?” I grabbed coins and started counting them.

“Forget the door”, she shrugged, “It’s been taken care of. Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure?”, I asked.

“Yeah”, she sighed as she turned to walk away looking like her dog had just died.

“I really don’t want to leave here owing you anything”, I said.

“Yeah, you’re good that way”, she said quietly as she headed downstairs, “But, like I said, don’t worry about it.”

I finished counting the bits. About twelve thousand. Nice. That’d be more than enough.

I put them in a leather bag, threw on some clothes, threw  the rest of my stuff into a duffle bag I dug out of the closet. Yeah, I really didn’t have a lot of shit to take with me. That was good.

A moment later Nona and me were downstairs. I looked in the kitchen. Empty. I counted out twenty five hundred bits, laid it on the table.

“She said you didn’t have to pay for the door”, Nona said.

“Hey, it’s my thing”, I said as we headed for the front door.

Just then, Twilight, coming down the hall.

“Let me talk to you”, she said to me as I was about to open the door, then, glaring at Nona, “She can wait outside next to the rest of the trash.”

Nona glared at her, started to say something, thought better of it, turned and stomped outside, slamming that very expensive front door behind her.

“Look... You don’t have to go”, she quietly to me as we sat at the kitchen table. I shrugged.

“I can’t stay here anymore, where would I live?”, I asked. She looked at the table and shrugged.

“So, there you have it”, I said, rising from my chair.

“Wait!”, she said, walking up to me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight.

“I don’t want you leaving on bad terms with me, okay? I’d hate that.”

I closed my eyes and hugged her back. “Yeah, okay”, I said, “So we’re good, then?”

“Yeah, we’re good”, she nodded. She kissed me. “You be safe, take care of yourself, okay?”

I nodded as I turned and headed out the door, paused, looked back at Twi.

“Hey, let the Apples know I’m gone, okay?”, I said. She nodded.

Just then I remembered something Nona’d told me at the dump that morning. Sunlight made her sick. I raced outside, worried, looked around. No Nona!

“I’m down here!”, came Nona’s voice from under the porch, “It’s the only shady place where I could get out of the sun!”

I felt a sense of relief. Just then I noticed the wet, sticky sound of her tongue flicking in and out again. I didn’t want to try to imagine what she was eating this time.

Twi’d been standing behind me. She’d heard the whole thing. She stepped inside, returned a minute later with a parasol, handed it to me. I looked at her.

“She’ll need that”, she said.

“Thanks”, I smiled. Just then Nona crawled cautiously out from under the porch, up to where we were standing, snatched the parasol, opened it, held it up over her head, turned to Twi.

“Thanks”, she said with a crooked half smile.

Twi just shrugged before going back inside and closing the door.

Nona and I headed off for the transport terminal. She was in her normal form. She didn’t give a damn.

Ponies that saw her walking down the street panicked and ran away, screaming. We got to the terminal. Same thing! Hey! At least there wouldn’t be a line.

We stepped up to the counter. The cute blonde maned filly working behind it looked like she’d piss herself in fear.

“Two tickets for Earth”, I said. She took my bits and handed back two ticks with trembling hands. She was sweating now.

“Thanks”, I nodded to her as Nona and I headed off for the transport machines.

A minute we were standing in front of the arches of the transport machine.

“You sure you wanna do this with me?”, I asked Nona. She smiled that fangy smile of hers and nodded quickly.

‘How the fuck am I gonna explain her to my mom?’, I thought, as we stepped through the arches that would take us back to Earth.

‘Really! How? Would my mom freak out or just be glad that I finally had a girlfriend?’ came my final thought.

Lights on the machine began to blink, the arch glowed and we disappeared. Next stop; Earth!