Chapter 0: Impending D00m
When the reader began, they were initially turned off by the use of zeros as opposed to O's for the word "doom." However, having an attention span of a small child, they soon forgot all about it and moved on. In fact, none of them even remembered this section of the story existed after this one instance.
The cock crew early that mid-summer morning - much too early for the Princess of Friendship's liking. Though she did appreciate the usage of old English to tell of the rooster's PMSing, she didn't much care for how jarring the outburst was.
Twilight groaned and rolled over, groggily pulling the sheets over her head. "Ugh, can you wait a few more minutes?" she mumbled. Much to her dismay, the cock did not grant her request. She huffed, growing more impatient with the cock and its bursts of shrill noise. Never had a cock annoyed her in such a manner. In fact, cocks were usually well-tempered around her. None of the cocks she had come to know in her time living in Ponyville had ever been this impolite.
"Okay, I get it, you can go away now..."
The cock stayed, continuing to assault Twilight's floppy ears.
Twilight folded said ears against her head in an attempt to stave her slowly-growing headache, but the cock seemed to penetrate even this defense. "I said go away, please." Her patience dwindled with every cry from the bothersome cock, but the earsplitting song seemed to violate not only her, but other ponies passing by her castle as well.
Unable to love and tolerate any more of the cock's song relentlessly pounding in her head, Twilight snapped up, her eye twitching and smoke literally coming from her ears. "Will you be quiet?!" When she finally got a look at the source of her annoyance, the anger fused with a hint of confusion. On her windowsill sat a cock, yes, but something about it looked off. "What in the world?" She rose from her bed to investigate, taking a moment to relish in the warm glow of sunlight from her open window.
Wait a minute... Twilight thought. Open window? I could have sworn I closed it last night.
Despite her uncertainty about the window, she brushed it off, blaming a late night and copious amounts of lesbian sex for what may have just been her imagination. She trotted to the window and looked the cock over, noting the peculiar texture and shape. It was then that Twilight noticed: the source of her annoyance resembled not any normal cock, but a sock; the variety of sock a pony might wear when they were about to get extra funky with their partner(s) or the local hobo.
The sock-cock's googly eyes stared blankly into some far off distance, devoid of any emotion or consciousness. In Twilight's hoof, the object did indeed feel like a pony sock, but what sort of pony would wear a sock as non-sexy as this one?
Twilight pondered briefly. If this sock isn't for wearing, what could it possibly be-
She stopped, he face flushing at the very thought of what the sock-cock's true purpose was.
Maybe, she thought, it's not a sock-cock, but a cock-sock?
The sound of clanging pans and a whistling baby dragon came from the castle kitchen a floor below where Twilight stood motionless. Slowly but surely, doubtful pieces of an embarrassing puzzle came together in her head. It wasn't long before her face became red for an entirely new reason.
"Why that sneaky little-"
Before Twilight could finish, she found herself already storming out of her room, the velvety-soft cock held in her magical grasp. "Bring that into my room, will you?" she muttered to herself, "I'll show him what happens when ponies try to bring their sex life into my personal space!"
"Almost there... easy does it..."
In the kitchen, Spike carried the fruit of his labor to the table: a breakfast souffle of his own design. While some ponies assumed that a dragon - let alone a baby one - would know little to nothing about the art of culinary practice, all they had to do was take a single bite of Spike's cooking to be proven completely otherwise. During his time in Ponyville, he prepared breakfast for Twilight most if not all mornings - the only exceptions being the days she would feel the need to reward the dragon's generosity. As such, it would come as no surprise that with each breakfast he made, Spike gained just enough experience to outdo his previous dish. Now he was practically a full-blown chef, ripe for Twilight and her friends' occasional exploitation.
Just as he set the marvelous airy delicacy down, the door to the kitchen burst open and a rather irritated Princess Twilight stepped in. Her force of entry was so great that, much to Spike's dismay, the souffle collapsed, ruining his opportunity to puncture the top.
"Spike," Twilight began, trying to sound calm and collected, "would you care to tell me what this was doing on my windowsill?" Before Spike could respond, she continued. "I mean - okay - I know that you're, um, growing up and whatnot..." With every word, Twilight found herself growing more and more uncomfortable. "I also know that Rarity has been a bit more of a bitch lately, but-"
"Twilight," interrupted Spike, "what in the world are you talking about. Are... are you-"
"And I know the phrase is 'choking the chicken,'" - Twilight held the sock-cock in front of her - "but this is ridiculous!"
Spike cleared his throat, making clear his annoyance with Twilight's accusations and sudden entry. "Twilight, you do realize that that isn't mine, right?"
Twilight stopped. She realized that in her frustration, she hadn't taken the time to question if this thing actually belonged to her little companion. "I... oh..."
"Mhmm. Got something you'd like to say?" Spike gestured to the less-than-airy cake sitting on the table, an unamused expression on his face.
At this point, it was as if every blood cell in Twilight's body has gone to her face. She turned her head downward, not wanting to look Spike in the eye. Her magical aura released its hold on the sock-cock, sending it to the floor. "I'm... I'm really sorry, Spike. I should've realized that your's would be a lot smaller than this one."
"Excuuuuuuuse me?!" Spike retorted, marching up to Twilight. "I'll have you know that I am, in fact, very much not that small, Miss Princess of Friendship."
"Look, Spike, all I'm saying is that, as a baby dragon, I'm not sure you'd have all that much to show off, if you know what I'm saying." A smirk crept its way across Twilight's mouth.
Unbeknownst to Twilight and Spike, the sock-cock began to move ever-so slightly; first its head, then its body - each movement pulling it further away from the other two sentient beings.
"Do I need to prove you wrong, Twilight? I will if I have to. Don't make me do it."
"Honestly, Spike, there's nothing you can prove to-"
Just as Spike proved Twilight immeasurably wrong in her assumption, the catalyst of the conversation squirmed its way out of the castle's front door and into Ponyville.
