Tea Time With Tomahawk Missiles

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 3369

Rarity invites Rainbow Dash over to the Boutique for some friendly dress-up, tea, and cookies. Things go swimmingly... a little *too* swimmingly.

Actually, this has nothing to do with tomahawks... or missiles. But Rarity almost wishes that it did, for it would distract her from how ardently she looks forward to these afternoon tea parties with Rainbow Dash.

Cover Art by Zaponator
(Awwww hell)

Published 2015-07-10 19:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-10 19:00:03 UTC

Cookie Hour With Jet Fuel

“Nyeaaaarruuuu-Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tatttt! Swoooooosh! Kapowww!”

Rainbow Dash's explosive percussion accompanied a cupcake and a cookie as they performed a wild dogfight in the “sky.” The bright studio lights of Carousel Boutique highlighted the pastel sprinkles plastered atop both pieces of desert. Candied turtle shapes with jetpacks bobbed and barrel-rolled to avoid the swooping attacks of peppermint Wonderbolt wings.

“Shooooom! Wrii-Wrii-Wrii! Oh no! The fuel light's on! Switch to auxiliary, Tank!” Rainbow sputtered, her fuzzy blue muzzle awash in a chocolate sea of cookie crumbs. The poofy shoulders of an even poofier pink gown flounced with each wave of her hooves as the cookie “pursued” its cupcake bogey through the heated air above the tea table. “Bank to the right! Quickly! Nyeeeeur! Good! You lost them! Now regroup!”

“Rainbow Dash, honestly,” Rarity huffed a sigh. Horn glowing, she floated a napkin across the tiny space between them and dabbed Rainbow's chin. “Is a modicum of cleanliness that much to ask for?”

“Guh! Rarity, quit it!” Rainbow quivered and fussed, nevertheless being rid of every last cookie crumb on her features. “Can't you see that Tank's about to outwit the bad guys?”

“Hmmm...” Rarity smoothed out the folds of her silken blue cocktail dress and lifted a teacup to her coy smile. “And since when have the Wonderbolts been so nefarious?”

“No—you see—these Wonderbolts have been zapped by Nightmare Moon's evil space ray! It's turned them into Shadowbolts!” Rainbow's voice cracked, her ruby eyes flickering a few shades rosier than the mane ribbons she was currently sporting. “And it's up to Tank and his snappy co-pilot to cleanse them of their evil possession!”

“By incinerating them in a burst of flames...”

“You bet!” Rainbow grinned, then resumed the wild and crazy dogfight. “Fwoooooosh! I got 'em in my sights! Take 'em out, Tank! Clakka-Clak! Green Leader! Fox Two! Firing! Shoooom! POW! Direct hit! They're going down! Swwissssssssssssssssh—!” She let loose a long, shrill whistle, twirling the cookie several times before scarfing it up in her tiny horse mouth. “Nommmfff! Mrmmfff—Thee, Whawitee? Mrmmmff... downff unn uh bwaffe of gwowee... nommfff...”

“Oh, Rainbow, must you?” Rarity sighed, then pointed at the cup and saucer in front of Rainbow. “Quick. Take a sip. No sense in you choking to death, darling.”

“Mmm-mmmf...!” Rainbow leaned forward, grasped the cup, and downed a liberal gulp of tea. She exhaled when she was done and made to wipe her muzzle with her sleeve.

“Uh uh uhhhh!” Rarity waved a dainty hoof. “The napkin, darling. It's quite important.”

Rainbow slapped it across her muzzle, gulped, and finally down the rest of the last cookie down. “Whew! Wow, Rares, these cookies taste super good.”

“I'm glad you think so, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, smiling into her next tiny-tiny sip of tea.

“And these sprinkles are—like—the most awesome things to have ever awesome'd ever!” she squeaked, grinning at the pile of dessert items situated in the center of the petite porcelain table drowning in lace doilies. “Where in the heck did you get them?”

“I did not acquire them in 'heck,' darling. If you must know, I made them myself.”

“You made these snazzy little things?” Rainbow raised the cupcake to her squinting eye, grinning wide. “That's super cool! They look just like Tank... if he wore a jetpack and sported tomahawk missiles!” She winked at nopony in particular.

“Yes, well...” Rarity lowered her teacup and fluffed her perfumed mane. “How else was I to convince you to spend some quality time of conversation and refinement?”

“You coulda just asked, Rarity,” Rainbow said, slapping the edge of the dessert pile so that a cookie flipped like a coin and landed on the edge of her nose. She balanced it there with a goofy smile. “I mean, we're friends, right?”

Rarity fidgeted with the bow at the end of her silk sleeve. She fidgeted with it harder.

“Right?”

“Oh! Uhm...” Rarity exhaled. “Honestly, Rainbow, would you have volunteered for something like this?”

“Ehhhhh... you're right. It's the wicked cool sprinkles.” She flicked the cookie off her nose and caught it in her hoof. “Look out, Tank! Another bogey incoming! Vrooooom! Rat-a-tat-tat! Evasive maneuvers!”

“Hmmmm...” Rarity leaned forward with a rosy smile. “Well, I'm certainly glad you're enjoying yourself.” She pointed. “Do you like the dress I made for you? Isn't it most exquisite?”

“I'unno...” Rainbow shrugged, her skirts flouncing. “It's definitely... pink'n'stuff, I guess.”

“Well, naturally.” Rarity smiled. “Seeing that it's one of the few colors not found in your mane, I figured that it best exemplifies your feminine qualities without drawing attention away from the natural beauty your hair borrows from the visual spectrum.”

“BURRRRP!” Rainbow belched. “That's all well and good n'all... but... like...” She squirmed in the chair, encumbered by an ocean of petticoats. “Did it really have to be so... I dunno... poofy?”

“Do you not approve?”

“I don't approve or disapprove. Just... kinda feels like the sort of a thing that a little filly would wear.” Rainbow stretched her wings and brushed the edges of a pink hairbow with her feathertips. “Y'know what I mean?”

“Yes, well... eheheheheh...” Rarity floated the teacup and saucer again. She leaned back in her chair, glancing sideways. “It's not as though I-I made it exclusively for you, darling. You're simply... erm... f-fitting it for Sweetie Belle! Yes... eheheh...”

“For real?” Rainbow's muzzle scrunched. “But... like... aren't I at least three times the size of your little sister?”

“... … ...” Rarity blinked. “She'll grow into it.”

“Sure.” Rainbow shrugged. “Whatever.”

“But in all seriousness, Rainbow Dash...” Rarity sipped daintily from her teacup and smiled. “You look absolutely ravishing when you dress in style.”

“Vrmmmmm! Rat-a-tat-tat-tat—!” She paused in mid-dogfight, eyes darting between the cupcake and cookie. “Oh. Sure. Yeah. Whatever you say. Fox three! FIRE!”

“I mean it, darling. After all, the way you sport your Wonderbolt uniform whenever you attend the Academy...” Rarity's eyes sparkled. “Positively radiant. I've no doubt that you catch Captain Soarin's eye every time you fall into rank.”

“Lieutenant.”

“Huh?”

“He's Lieutenant Sorain',” Rainbow corrected. “And... sure! I mean, it's often his job to inspect the flight crew, so I guess he looks at me all the time. I'd do the same if I was in his shoes.” She smiled wickedly to herself. “Which is happening sooner than later. Hehehehe...” She giggled raspily. “Moving on to the top! Yeah!”

“I'm so very happy for you, dear.” Rarity then bit her lip, hiding her rosy cheeks behind her dinky teacup. “And... ahem... d-does Captain Spitfire ever... look at you?”

“KAPOW! Oh no, Tank! We're hit! Mayday! Mayday! Nyeeeeuuur!” Rainbow Dash leaned in and took a mighty chomp out of the frosted part of the cupcake. Candied tortoises fell to the saucer below. “Mrmmfff... oh noes! We've lost a jet pack! Counterbalance! Counterbalance!”

Rarity let loose a slow, controlled sigh. “You know, Rainbow Dash...” She placed her teacup down and crossed her legs in her chair. “Usually, tea parties require a certain sophisticated civility.”

“Really?” Rainbow blinked. “I thought they were all about getting Princess Celestia out of office.”

“No no no no no.” Rarity stifled a giggled. “I'm talking about the sort of thing we're doing right this second.”

“You mean sitting in sissy dresses while stuffing ourselves with cookies?”

“A lady does not stuff herself,” Rarity said. “That is...” She fanned herself slightly as her blue eyes traveled down to Rainbow's well-toned fetlocks peaking out from beneath her petticoats. “...s-something reserved for the task of others.”

“Huh?”

“Ahem... I mean that common custom calls for good table manners, elegant dress, complimentary conversation with subjects ranging from one's career, social events...” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “...a casual spin of the rumor wheel, as t'were.”

“What? You mean like gossip'n'crud?”

“Huh? Gossip? Goodness, no!” Rarity waved a hoof. “I like to think of it as... friendship reconnaissance.”

“No kidding. That's a lot of syllables.”

“I assure you, Rainbow, it's actually quite simple.” She giggled. “And titillating.”

“Well, by all means.” Rainbow smirked, nodding her head. “Titillate away.”

“Hmmm?” Rarity blinked, leaning back. “Oh! Uhm... very well, then! Ahem.” She lifted a teacup once again, smiling mischievously. “Why... just the other day, I was paid a visit from Coco Pommel, my adorable little dress-making associate from Manehattan.”

“No way. That squeaky midget's still alive?”

“Anyways... we gathered together to work on the latest Fall Ensemble for the Neigh York Fashion Show. Our plan was to have Fluttershy model for us, which I thought was a very flattering suggestion... at first. Lo and behold, I noticed that the esteemed Ms. Pommel was stitching Fluttershy's gowns to be three sizes larger than the other ones. Naturally, I approached her on the matter, and do you know what she said?”

“Something in Equestrian Horsewhinney, I'm guessing.”

“She said...” Rarity leaned forward with a gaping expression. “...that she always found us 'Ponyville folk' to be rather 'pudgy!' Can you believe that? 'Pudgy?!' I exclaimed. 'Who would call Fluttershy pudgy?!' And then, in a desperate attempt to salvage the situation—no doubt—Coco defended her statement with a supremely inaccurate statistic about the supposed relationship between country living and apple pie consumption. Well, naturally, I was quite appalled at the insinuation, and I'm certain that it showed. I could see Ms. Pommel fidgeting... scared into a ghostly shade of her former self, which only reinforces my ardent belief that I always have and always will possess a certain degree of intimidating authority over her. But, coming from an internship with the likes of Suri Polomare, that's to be expected. Still, if Ms. Pommel thinks that implying unfounded obesity in the likes of my close companions is an acceptable foray into assertiveness, then she has a lot to learn about stepping up in this world, fashion-trending or not.” Rarity took the tiniest of sips and placed the cup back on its saucer with a clinking sound for finality. “And that, my dear Rainbow, is an example of casual tea time conversation.”

“Cool beans.”

“Now...” Rarity smiled, her teeth glistening. “You try.”

“Me?”

“Absolutely!”

“Well...” Rainbow lazily leaned back, scratching her tummy through the fluffy pink blouse. “Two weeks ago... one of the Academy coaches plunged off the mountain's edge. So... like... I swooped in to save him, right? But soon as I grabbed the guy, he was so scared, he pooped all over me!” Rainbow Dash smiled wide and proud.

Rarity hung off the edge of a grimace.

A few silent seconds later, Rainbow Dash added: “It took over fifteen hours to get all the brown out of my uniform. But that's because Spitfire made me do it with a toothbrush. Said it was 'My fault for not flying faster than the speed of diarrhea.' I bet the Captain won't be so smug the moment she wakes up and finds that a seagull has laid a rotten egg in her Wonderbolts cap. Heheheh...” She dunked a cup full of tea down her gullet. “Mmmm... Good times.”

“Yes... quite good indeed,” Rarity said. Rarity coughed.

“So... like... what next?” Rainbow asked.

“I... suppose we enjoy more cookies and tea.”

Rainbow shrugged. “Works for me.” A beat. She swooped up a sprinkled cupcake in her hoof once again. “Veeeyeeeeuuurr—I got power back on! We can still fly, Tank, but it'll have to be in a constant spiral! Let's show these bad guys the good ol' patented tornado of doom! SWOOOOOSH! Kapow! Kapow! Take that you jerks! You and your jerk faces are dead now!”

Rarity sighed. At last, she simply leaned forward, resting a marshmallowy chin on her gloved hoof. She observed Rainbow's epic dogfight with fervor... or at least she observed Rainbow Dash.

She observed the way in which the pink shine of the gown and its laced sleeves contrasted with the sky-blue brightness in the mare's coat. Rainbow Dash didn't need a pretty dress to accentuate her hidden beauty. The mare had a youthful vigor that glowed wherever she happened to be. It was just that she was never in any one place for a long enough time for anypony to properly bask in her glory... until now. Rarity had caught her in a pink anchor... steadied her with silken reins.

It was like capturing a butterfly, really, and just as colorful too... if not more so. Rarity lost how many times she counted the tones in the mare's mane, her elegant eyes getting lost in the spectral shuffle, so that ultimately she just sighed, gave up, and dove in for the chromatic plunge. There, she felt at ease, like she was a filly again, filled with the spark of ambition that she—like Rainbow Dash—could take on the world and all of its grandest obstacles. There was nothing so big and daunting that couldn't be flown around—and in such a brazen and boastful fashion too.

Rainbow Dash was a fearless source of inspiration, a bastion of hope against so many unforeseen elements. What life threw at her didn't matter, for she would face it all with boundless determination and guile. And when it came to her friends' lives being on the line, she would throw herself at evil with even greater zeal, utilizing a loyalty that was unmatched in all the continents, seas, and skies of Equestria.

“And yet... she's so tiny and precious, like a doll, really. My doll... my precious little pocket Rainbow who doesn't know just how beautiful she is... and how safe and secure she makes her friends. Well... I shall make her feel pretty, as she deserves to be. If it's the one measly contribution that I can make, then I shall do so with great aplomb, treasuring her as she was always meant to be treasured... by this fashionista... in this elegant niche of the large, frightening world. And when I've finally dressed her up like the pretty package she is, maybe... just maybe... she will give me the most generous gift of opening her up... one lace ribbon at a time—”

“Uhhhh... Rarity?”

Rarity blinked, her pupils shrinking.

Rainbow arched an eyebrow as she held the cupcake and cookie in mid-air. “What are you monologuing about?”

“Uhhhhh...” Rarity lisped. Once she felt the drool dribbling out of her muzzle, she understood why. She dabbed herself with a napkin, trembling, feeling each hair on her coat rise on end—paler than she remembered. “I... uhm... oh dear...”

“I'm... 'your doll?'” Rainbow cocked her head to the side. “I'm... your 'pretty package to be opened up?'”

Rarity inhaled with a tiny squeak. Her cheeks were on fire... along with other parts of her body. Her bangs quivered from the force of her heart pumping blood deep into her skull, sending every emotional gland on fire with white flashes of panic.

“Is this what this whole stupid thing has been about?” Rainbow frowned. “The teacups... the poofy gown... your eyes crawling over my whole dang body?”

“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity wheezed, waving a frantic hoof. “I... I-I can explain...”

Rainbow sneered, her teeth like cold fangs in the Boutique's light. “I don't want to be your doll, Rarity.”

Rarity's eyes instantly welled up in tears. The makeup ran as she sniffled, “Rainbow... please... just—”

Rainbow dropped the dessert items and tossed her mane. “I want to be your conqueror.”

Rarity blinked. “Buh?”

FWOMP!

Rarity gasped as Rainbow pounced on her.

Rainbow stared lustfully into the fashionista's eyes. “All these years I've kicked cumulonimbus clouds to and fro betwixt the sky's spacious hemispheres...” She leaned in, hissing, her breath ripe with cinnamon and cookie musk. “...I struggled so hard not to just swoop down and take you... and claim you... maybe on a dragon roost far away in the mountains... or maybe on the rooftop to Town Hall here in Ponyville for everyone to see... to watch me own my lusty wench.” She leaned in closer, purring into Rarity's ear. “Truth is... they wouldn't have a choice... and neither would you...”

Rarity huffed and puffed. Sweat appeared delicately between the fine lace seams of her wrinkled blue cocktail dress. “Rainbow Dash... I... I had no idea—”

“Of course you didn't...” Rainbow nibbled her way around Rarity's neck and chin. “...but it doesn't matter if your mind is completely devoid of useless, feminine thoughts. It's your body that I want, milady.” Fwooosh! Rainbow swung Rarity around, slamming her into the middle of the table and sending fragile saucers and cups flying every which way. Cl-Clatter! “Your sweet, delicate, damsel body...” Rainbow breathed hotly against Rarity's forehead, curling her purple mane hairs with moisture and heat. “Now and forever...”

“Oh Rainbow Dash...” Rarity mewled, eyes rolling.

“Growwwwwl!” Rainbow ripped Rarity's bodice open, sending ivory buttons and whalebone flying across the room. Lightning struck and thunder rattled the windows of the Boutique.

“Ravish me, you brute!” Rarity held a limp hoof to her sweat-slick forehead as she heaved and huffed. “You adorable... colorful... voice-cracking brute—!”

“KABLAAAAM!” Rainbow Dash sputtered from across the table, grinning as she twirled the last cookie into a downward spiral. “Target hit! He's going down!”

Rarity snapped out of it, blinking. She sat in her chair, panting, with a hoof draped over her skull. “Who...what...?”

“Vrmmmmmmm—NOMF!” Rainbow swallowed the cookie in one gulp, then licked the sprinkles from her lips. “Mmmmm... justice never tasted so sugary.” She glanced over, ruby eyes blinking. “Hey Rares... you okay?”

“Uhhhh...” Rarity fanned herself, avoiding Rainbow's gaze. “I... uhm...”

“Wow, you don't look so good. Got a fever or something?” Rainbow adjusted her skirts and stood up with a flap of her wings. “I could fetch you a snowcloud super-quick—”

“No... No, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity held a hoof out, wincing. “I... I-I mean.” She gulped, smoothing out her dress. “That's so very kind of you, really, but it shan't be necessary. I am in... p-perfect health, I assure you.”

“Oh. Well, cool, then.” Rainbow squatted back down, ribbons flouncing. “If you say so.”

“I do say so.” Rarity took a deep, deep breath. “And... it is only fair to tell you that there's... a very good reason why I asked you to join me in these tea parties.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Ahem. Yes, Rainbow. You see... I find myself having... having grown rather fond of... of...”

“Hmmm?” Rainbow sipped from her teacup, taking extra care to be dainty and ladylike in the process. Her eyes sparkled, and she smirked at her own accomplishment. “Fond of what?”

“... … ...” Rarity sighed through a drunken grin. “Tea.”

Rainbow blinked at Rarity. She looked at the teacup, then at her again. “Yeah. No duh.”

“But consuming it with you has been absolutely divine,” Rarity said, waving a graceful hoof. “And I would be beyond ecstatic if you were to join me in doing something like this again.”

“Sure.” Rainbow shrugged, fought a belch, and beat her chest. “Pfffwhew... So long as you're willing to have me.”

“Hmmm?”

“Well, let's face it, Rarity.” Rainbow rolled her eyes and chuckled. “I'm not exactly tea time material, aren't I? I mean... meh... sports, sweating, and explosions are totally my thing, y'know?”

“Oh ho ho ho ho Rainbow Dash.” Rarity cooed in a melodic tone. She leaned her chin against her hoof again, drinking the sight of the mare in. “I could care less...”

Almost immediately, a strange static energy filled the air. The mane hairs of both mares raised towards the ceiling. Within seconds, every tea cup and saucer began rattling, faster and faster, until eventually the windows of the Boutique joined in the haunting percussion.

“What in the buck...?” Rainbow winced. “Do you feel like your guts are about to turn inside out, or is it just me?” Blood trickled out of her nose. “Hey. That's new.”

Rarity sat back. She gulped a lump down her throat, and stared straight ahead with wide eyes. “Oh no.”

FLASSSH! A very frazzled, very angry Twilight Sparkle teleported inside, landed on the table, and screamed: “SHUNNNNNNN!” Her horn glowed, and—

—the Boutique imploded while the bodies of two frilly-dressed ponies were ejected from the premises, disappearing well beyond the opposite horizons.

Author's Note

Let's just pretend this was written for

and never speak of it again