Chapters Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
There comes a time when even I begin to tire of the bullshit that guns bring to the table. It would be hard to say that I'm a stranger to situations like this: weapons jammed to by head, stuck on my knees, thugs going through my crap and stealing my booze. Yet the more it happens to me, the more I find that it doesn't happen to anyone else.
And here I was thinking it was over. I figured my noble quest for redemption, or justice... something... was finally brought to an end, only to come charging back in the form of a pistol-whip to the head. It seemed no matter how close I came to peace, there would always be the parasites who brought me back down, niggling at my feet before eventually consuming me.
Four or five of them. Amateurs raiding this cheap, Brazilian summer home. The young, nervous looks in the unconcealed one's eyes opposing the drugged, frantic movements of his friend's. Solidarity found even those at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Honestly, what did they have to worry about? A middle-aged, partially drunk, fat American could hardly be considered a threat against several Kalashnikovs and forty-fives. Stealing my possessions would mean rummaging through the medicine cabinet and then making off with a plastic chair.
Then something drew away my admiration of the drab wooden flooring. Namely, a kick to the head. It sent me reunited with that cold, hard floor and once again I caught up with an old pal: blood. It was as if the only way my body could check I was still alive was by bleeding on a regular basis. It had been, what, a week without an injury?
Apparently they were eager to speak with me, as one of the more confident raiders pulled me up by the head. He pointed the pistol to my neck and spoke with broken English.
"You...Max...Payne..."
I'd almost be honoured to have fans at this point. I didn't have much else going for me. So, he knew my name. Did he recognise me from the news? Was he on his own mission for vengeance? It was all very likely that I killed a brother of his, he could have easily been part of the Commando Sombra gang.
That was the fun thing about being a loose end, if you survived long enough you'd get to reflect on a lot of questions and things you'd like to say to your possible enemies.
The gun was pressed harder, and moved upwards to my now-shiny dome of a head. They were definitely intending to kill me, or at least this one was. Only a person as corrupted as me would be able to say I found this funny. I could easily disarm him, kill him and his friends, pop a painkiller and go back to sleep.
But at the same time I couldn't.
Was it was finally my time to give up? I didn't care anymore. I wouldn't resist the inevitable any longer. My entire life, death had been scraping at my heels, and each time a piece of dog shit showed up on them and put him off getting closer. Now? I had clean shoes. A new slate. And now it was his time to shine.
I was vulnerable at my happiest moments. If you could call knocking yourself out each night with a combination of gin and painkillers happy. Maybe not happiness... serenity. Whenever there was peace in my life, I was a target. The fates always conspired against me, plotting my downfall at every nap, breather and success I got.
I guess it couldn't have ended any other way, on my knees in a tiny alcohol-filled shack in a country thousands of miles from home. Silence at last. I've ended so many lives before me, let's see how I like it. My funeral shroud would be a stained tank-top and ruined pair of jeans. In a way, that was a testament to my life. Used and abused, but by my own arrogance, blind luck and sheer coincidence I was kept alive.
If heaven is lenient enough to allow a serial killing drub-abuser through, maybe I'll be reunited with Michelle and my daughter. Not that I deserve it. I couldn't protect them. Whatever is on the other side of my brains is punishment enough.
The afterlife isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I was surrounded by beaming sunlight. A forest, trees touching the sky and bright plants littering the area. The random noises of wildlife tempting my already hung-over mind into overdrive. I may not be the smartest person in the world, but it seemed as though I was just thrown into the closest pile of plants and left to rot. There was no stunning white lights, no reflecting over my terrible life, I was shot, and now I was lying in the middle of a forest.
I was still bleeding from my friend's little outburst, and now I didn't have any painkillers or bandages. I couldn't feel the bullet that had ended me either. My head was as smooth as the mental glass that was tearing at my brain.
I didn't know what the hell was going on, so naturally, my first course of action was to fall asleep on the rough, dirty ground. Only after waking up, God knows how long later, did I realise that that was an incredibly stupid idea. The open wound was infected, smothered in dirt.
Wherever I was, I hoped it had medical supplies. With a lack of adrenaline to keep me fuelled I guess I was running on interest. Somehow, everything was brighter here. Vibrant colours blinded me past every tree I went through. Even the shades of grey had some life in them. It didn't bode well for a cynical drunk out here.
After about twenty minutes of stumbling around and holding onto trees for balance, I fell once more. Lying on my back, I looked to an open canopy in the forest and saw an expanse of clouds that were moving at an alarming pace. Squinting my eyes helped no further, but as the clouds disappeared from sight, a quick glance of something that looked like a rainbow stemmed from the back of it.
I chalked it down to me being crazy, or some sort of delusion that occurs after someone is shot in the head. Just when you think you've seen it all, overcome every possible new challenge that presents itself, the fates hand a royal flush and rob you blind. They sure had it in for me, didn't they?
I was coming closer to the edge of this disgustingly lively forest. The trees were thinning out with each step along the crisp, green grass. This wasn't the violent, poverty-stricken image of the Brazilian slums I had grown accustomed to, nor the depressing, cruel streets of New York I now longed for.
Was I really so pessimistic that I had the nerve to bastardize a good outcome for once? Was this really a good outcome? It'd been a while since I witnessed some evildoing that was distorting my view of life as usual. A whole hour or so.
As I reached the outskirts of the forest, just when everything was coming into plain sight, I was going hazy once again. It felt like something had burrowed into my head where the bleeding, infected scar was. I found myself clenching my eyes shut, the searing pain threatening to overload and clamp my brain into paste. I didn't get that luxury. Instead, it was back to the floor.
As the darkness enveloped my vision, succumbing once again to the joys of passing out, I saw some pink shape getting closer. A bouncing blob dancing in my iris, the last cheery thing I saw before my world faded to black.
I awoke in something not unfamiliar to me, a hospital bed. I still felt like a mouse in a vice, but I was alive and bandaged. With yet to have the faintest idea of what was happening, and no sign of me finding out soon, I played around with the bed control buttons like a forty year old child.
This hospital definitely wasn't in the slums, I even had my own private room, blocked off from the rest of the complex. Everything was about as modern as could be, flowers, a window view of the countryside, proper medical equipment. I even had a glass of water resting on the stand next to the window. In a situation like mine, you don't take it for granted. I downed it at once.
Was I in some state of limbo? Would I be stuck here forever? Although I never believed along those lines, I couldn't help but notice I was being backed into a corner that was forcing me to think so. Sooner or later, I was sure, the grim reaper would show up to congratulate me on a job well done.
Most people are scared of things they don't understand. I, on the other hand, was too distracted by the medicine cabinet next to the door at my side.
So here I was. Fat, old, 'Gringo Max' pathetically reaching over for the first supply of medical sustenance in my new life. Or whatever you would call this. Maybe this was just another one of those times where I get built up so that my faith is restored in whatever cause I'm fighting for, right before I get kicked in the balls and fall down my self-imposed podium of righteousness.
Except this time I didn't have a cause. My life had ended, or so I thought.
Like many of the goals in my life that I couldn't reach, the cabinet was out of range. Reclining back into the white pillows left me noticing the bedpan at my feet. With an uncertainty on whether to be insulted or thankful, I ignored it- time had yet to deprive me of control for that function.
That was when the door opened.
A pink, jumping creature bounced it's way in to the room, a massive smile plastered on it's face. It was accompanied by a slightly less energetic creature, masquerading in a white doctor's coat. If that wasn't enough on my already fragile state of mind, it had a horn that was glowing. Corresponding with that glow was another, floating a clipboard to it's face.
I had seen some sick things before, but this was the only time I mentally double-took. What in God's name could I say about this moment? Did these things actually own this hospital? What the hell were they? I assumed they had some sort of intelligence if it were them who patched me up.
They looked about as surprised as me. Well, the brown one under a doctor's uniform did, the pink one was too lively for my liking. They had emotions then, but they weren't anything I'd seen before. How does a person respond in this situation? For me it was to stare at them idiotically. I was never dumbstruck, my life had no time for that.
But then, this wasn't my life. As I couldn't stress enough to myself, I didn't have a clue on what was going on, and it seemed as that was going to be the general theme behind this strange interaction.
"Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie!"
Now this raised a whole lot more questions. The pink thing spoke English and had a name. This wasn't some ordinary animal. It had a voice that made me cringe with it's high volume and pitch. Now they were both staring at me, expecting something. With the absence of a gun, I attempted to actually speak calmly back.
"...H-hello...?"
Attempted. Great first impression there. They were both taken aback as I were initially. Clearly I was as alien to them as they were to me. But the pink one, 'Pinkie Pie', was ecstatic at my response.
"OHMYGOSH! You speak Equestrian! This is gonna be so awesome! I can introduce you to all my friends! And we can have a welcome to Ponyville party! And we can share stories! And-..."
Pinkie was cut off silently by the doctor, still observing me. Good. The pace it spoke at reminded me of a sub-machine gun, emptying the words into my brittle sense of reality. And what did that mean, I spoke Equestrian?
The doctor, someone I much preferred at this point, spoke quieter, deeper and more serious. There was still some apprehension, but it was actually trying to communicate, rather than shout at me.
"So, can you understand us? Do you have a name?"
I wasn't one for giving out my name freely: my enemies had a nasty habit of showing up where I least expected them, and this was the last place I would have thought some kind of drug-dealing crime lord would have shown up. I suppose as an act of thanks, however, I risked it.
"Yeah... Max. Max Payne."
The name flooded back crippling memories and loathing. My entire life was based around suffering, even my name sought to intimidate and hurt. Before they had the chance to run away in fear, I pressed them for any answers that I dreaded.
"Listen, where am I? What the hell happened? What are you?"
"We're ponies, silly!"
Last time I checked, ponies weren't pink. I had the feeling this pink 'pony' wasn't the best ambassador for this weird world. Then again, who was I to talk? I wasn't painting a good picture for the human race.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose to let her continue speaking. I presumed it was female due to the contrast between her and the doctor's voice.
"And we're in Ponyville, Equestria! I found you lying at the edge of the Everfree forest all messy and sleepy!"
Ponyville. Suddenly, the thoughts of my short-lived family were back. It was like something out of a children's book. I'd never have the privilege of being able to tell my daughter of a land like this.
I may have been rusty on certain aspects of mythology, but I was fairly sure that the doctor, with the magic horn, was a unicorn. Even a hard-boiled cops like me have some knowledge of things like this. Not that I'd ever expect to have to put it to use.
I needed time to absorb this. It was a hell of a time to find out that that anti-depressants apparently had hallucinogenic properties. If you fight fire with fire...
"...Do you have any painkillers?"
Fight confusion with confusion.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
Rubbing my eyes, trying to make sense of this situation, I lay in a hospital with colourful talking ponies. If I didn't believe myself with what was going on, then what little I had in the department of 'friends' wouldn't believe me either if I ever got back.
The doctor was gracious enough to allow me use of the painkillers. I suppose it would have been interesting to see if he had said 'no'. The rippling migraine had subsided for now. For someone without thumbs, he could perform medical procedures quite well.
For a few short moments of serenity, no-one spoke. Even Pink had managed to shut up. I was too focused on my sanity to take notice of the doctor, constantly observing me. I couldn't blame him. Not only was I another species, but I was beat to crap. Alas, the brief respite ended once the doctor said softly. I couldn't tell whether it was out of fear or concern for my well-being.
"How did you get here?"
More questions I didn't have answers to. I spoke with my trademark 'pissed-off' tone.
"I got shot in the damn head."
"With what?"
"What the hell do you think? A bullet."
At first it would have made sense to not realise that, there was no wound at all, but he seemed to take more interest in the concept of a 'bullet', mouthing it to Pink.
"From... a sling? A projectile?"
This was getting on my nerves.
"A gun! Jesus Christ."
Then Pink spoke up after, what I suspected for her was, a lengthy time.
"So... like... a rock? You were hit by a rock?! Ouch! Who did it? That's so mean! Oh, unless it was an accident and it fell off a tree or something..."
Were it not for the relieving effects of the painkillers and what I thought to be some minor sedation, I would be going ape-shit. Even so, it took all my energy to not insult my apparent saviours. Uncontrollably, I spoke through gritted teeth.
"A... gun. Lead bullets. In. The. Head."
They must of sensed my irritation, as they chose to avoid pursuing that any further. I needed to get a better idea of this. I was in 'Ponyville'. After being shot in the head. And now there's talking magic ponies here. It was impossible to piece together any sense of logic or theories on what was happening. For now, I would stick with my excuse of it being a hallucination. A really vivid hallucination.
"Pinkie, could you tell Twilight to get into contact with the princess?" The doctor asked as he made sure the door was firmly shut behind him. He spoke in a slightly hushed tone, "We need as little ponies as possible knowing about this before she can get here. I don't have the faintest idea on where to start."
"Sure!" She replied happily, and proceeded to open the window right next to me. Clearly she wasn't as frightened of me as the doctor was. "See ya in a minute, Max!" I hoped that minute would never come. Carelessly, she threw herself out the window and walked off.
Alone with the doctor, I didn't exactly want to make small talk. Part of my brain, however, was determined to do so in order to find any relatable subject in this new species. I despised small talk, and yet here it was slipping out of my mouth.
"So how long have you been a doctor?" This had to be the most trivial question on my mind at the moment. I didn't care and I hated myself for asking. Although, it did appear to make the doctor ease up a bit.
"Oh, er, about seven years now." He gave an uneasy smile. He looked over my stained tank-top, bad hair-cut and sagging eyes. "How long have you been... unemployed?"
...Hit the nail on the head there. If I wasn't so confused I might have been laughing. "I'm a... well, I was a cop. And a bodyguard. Wasn't too good at it."
"A 'cop'?" He asked, puzzled. I couldn't criticize him too much. Our worlds may have had a lot of similarities but the fact was that he's a horse. He couldn't know everything.
"'To protect and serve'," I muttered. That was laughable. You did a great job with that, Max. Hell, you may as well have killed them.
I clenched my fist so hard I swear I could have been crushing atoms. My constant self-loathing never stopped, even in the most bizarre circumstances. "They... enforce laws," I said simply.
"Ah, like our Royal Guard?" He assumed.
"So, 'Ponyville' is governed by a monarchy?" This would be different. Didn't he say they were going to talk to a princess about me?
"The whole of Equestria is!"
"Equestria... right." I still couldn't wrap my head round that. That was a reoccurring theme. This was not Earth, I could say that much. On Earth people don't survive bullets to the head, and horses don't talk. I had to get a nagging question off my mind, something I actually wondered. "So... what's with Pink?"
"Pinkie Pie? She's very lively, as I'm sure you've noticed." I would say 'loud'. "An optimistic pony, always keen to make friends."
"Does she try that with everyone?"
"I assume that she will attempt to convert you too, if that is what you are implying."
God damn it. I did not need this. I didn't want to make any friends, I drag people down with me. So far I only wanted to know more about this place, I guessed shooting myself in the face would send me back, or at least a final death, which could prove problematic in a land with no guns.
Right on cue, the bubbly pink pony flew back through the window, landing perfectly next to the doctor. She stood with a wide grin on her face, but in complete silence.
"Well, Pinkie? Is Twilight contacting the princess?" The doctor questioned.
"Oh, yeah, but she's coming here first! I told her there was this weird looking new species..." Sitting right here. "...And she wanted to see it for herself!" She said about as cheerily as usual.
The doctor spoke with some annoyance, but it seemed he expected as much. "Pinkie! I said as little amount of ponies as possible!"
This meant that there was another pony joining this depressing party? Apparently that whole 'bed-rest' thing didn't apply in Equestria. Sure enough, there was a knock at the wooden door that sealed me off from the rest of the world. The doctor quickly opened, allowed the pony entry, and shut.
This one was purple with another horn. I wondered why Pink didn't have one, but that was cut off by the new arrival's glares of bewilderment.
"Well, Twilight? What is it?" Pink asked, bouncing jovially around her friend. I was surprised by how she could do that in such a small space.
"It's... er... obviously a..." The unicorn scratched her hair and tilted her head to the side. Clearly she had no idea. I decided to answer for her, much to her alarm.
"Human. You could've just asked me." For once, I was being the voice of reason. That could only end badly.
"It talks! Equestrian! You didn't tell me that!" She yelled to Pink.
"Oh, right. Surprise!" Pink said. I had to admit, I enjoyed this back-and-forth they had going on. "He's also called Max!" Pink beamed, but then came closer to me and asked, "You are a colt, aren't you?"
"Yeah?" I half-asked half-told. I was unsure on what classified as male and female in equine terms. I had heard the phrase 'colt' before, but usually just indented on the side of my gun.
"Max..." Twilight said to herself. Was she trying to read the name in her mind? Hopefully I wouldn't have to tell her the second half of it. "Humans are just myths, though." Well, I was barely-living proof of a myth, this could be counted as an accomplishment in my life. "How did you get here?"
I was really beginning to tire of recalling the same story of me being shot in the damn head. Like everybody was mocking me, they always felt the need to bring it up. Still, it was better me explaining it than a dragged-out explanation from the doc or, God-forbid, Pink.
"I was shot in the head. With... a... let's say a nail..." I hoped they had those. "I should have been dead, but instead I ended up in some forest and passed out."
The doctor concluded for me. "In the Everfree. He was infected and Pinkie brought him here. Nopony but us three know, I snuck him through the back."
"Wow. That doesn't even make any sense!" Finally, someone who matched my thoughts. "No explanations?"
The other two ponies shook their heads before the doctor asked Twilight, "Did you request Princess Celestia to come here immediately?"
"Yes, I had Spike do it. We marked it urgent before I came over here, so she should be on her way if she received it. She'll know what to do." I sure as hell hoped so, while the pain in my head had cleared up I still had a major one in the ass. I wanted to go outside. Permission or not, after this princess business was over, I was getting out of this bed.
I had been sitting in the bed for around an hour, every so often Pink or the doctor would check up on me, much to my displeasure. It wasn't half as bad, however, as Twilight sitting in the corner of the room the entire time taking notes on me. I couldn't scratch my ass without her documenting it. I seriously doubted there was much to learn from that.
She even warned me on my favourite past-time of substance abuse.
"I thought you said you were feeling ok?" Twilight asked as I took a single painkiller from the stand beside me.
"I am."
"Then why are you still taking them?"
I didn't want to answer. When subjects relating to this were brought up, I was usually unable to control my actions. I'm not going through those experiences again for a fucking animal . I could have put it bluntly. Force her on a guilt trip. 'I killed my family' .
Nothing. I swallowed the painkiller and lay back in solitude. My short burst of intense mental anger was over, and that's how it would never stay. Interrupted, sporadic and incomplete- it about summed up my fragile mental state.
The erratic thoughts diminished when the door was flung open by Pink. "She's here!" Pink launched herself into the room and the doctor shortly followed. They stood at separate sides of the bed as a fourth pony became visible in the entrance.
This one was much, much taller than the others, with an exceptionally large horn. White all over, excluding the flowing multi-coloured hair, or mane, I think it is. A major difference I spotted in this though, was the addition of wings. So this was a talking, magical flying pony. Right. Seems legit. Adorning her was a golden necklace and crown. If they wanted to keep me discreet, they were doing a terrible job by inviting her.
Her majestic image was soon ruined however, when she hit her horn on the doorway. Clearly, the size was not intended to accommodate freakishly large flying unicorns. With a smile, and only after ducking her head could she make it into the room. Even still, she had to keep partly crouched to avoid hitting the ceiling.
Maybe it was out of respect, but Twilight and the doc refused to be amused. Pink and I had the same idea though, I guess I had to appreciate these little things. Like talking ponies bumping their heads off walls. Except where I was just inwardly smirking, Pink was barely containing a guffaw.
"Hello everypony..." You gotta be kidding me. "I presume this is the new species you mentioned, Twilight?" She spoke gently, and showed less interest in me than the others did.
"Yes, Princess, it-, he claims to be a human, but they're just m-..." Twilight was cut short by this princess.
"Myths. Right you are, my student, but I see no other possibilities. He is exactly like the old drawings."
And just like that, I guess it was accepted. Her word must have been law, position came with wisdom. They all looked at me for a while. A 'myth', yet another thing telling me I shouldn't be alive. Only then did I realize they were expecting me to talk, to confirm it once again.
"Yeah. Pretty sure these forty-seven years of my life I've been human."
"How did you come to arrive here, human?"
Son of a...
After, once again, explaining my tragic story, she appeared no different. She was content with that story, knowing that I could offer little more. None of us, not even this 'all-powerful'-type leader, had any leads on the how's or why's.
"You sound as though you have been through a lot," she concluded.
"You don't know the half of it," I let escape from my lips.
"So, what do we do with him, Princess?" Her student asked, thankfully cutting off me regaling any more morose stories.
"Honestly, Twilight? There is not much we can do. We treat this matter as we would any new intelligent species..." Intelligent. That was debatable. "I will inquire with the Canterlot libraries, historians and mythological experts, but he will have to stay here."
"Why?" I suddenly asked.
"Canterlot, where we would normally study a new, important species, isn't exactly the most secluded city. We cannot risk the amount of media attention you would pick up there without first knowing what you are capable of."
If it meant less ponies staring and attempting to be friends with me, then I was fine with that. As for what I'm capable of? Putting away unhealthy units of alcohol while finding a way to replace my blood with painkillers.
"I will make sure that the only ponies that know about you are here in Ponyville. No coverage of you will leave this town, I will ensure the Guard makes that known. And, while I am gone, Twilight, I will need you to report any findings you have of..." She turned to me.
"Max," I supplied. I was being treated like a child. They were going to study me, great. My life sure has took a turn from the usual binging and sleeping. At least we were getting somewhere. Twilight was visibly happy by this, another task from her 'teacher'.
"Whatever you feel you need to report, send it to me. You can do this also, Max." I think I'd pass on that. "Finally, he will need somewhere to stay."
Immediately, I cringed as Pink started howling, "Oh! Me, me, me! He can stay with me and Gummy and we can have a 'welcome to Ponyville' party and I can get you to taste all my new recipes and have a sleepover party AND-"
Twilight's han-, hoof, I suppose, blocked Pink's mouth. Thank God. That was the last place I wanted to stay, trapped with someone the social opposite of myself. I pleaded silently that someone would suggest somewhere else.
The princess picked up on this, and saved me from a fate far worse than death. Possibly because I had experienced it, and it wasn't all that bad.
"I think it might be best if he stays with Twilight, for now. He would be much easier to observe..." However, in an attempt to please Pink, she also offered, "That doesn't mean you can't have a party, though. Just make sure everypony knows to let little slip of his arrival."
"Rumours and talk are acceptable outside of Ponyville, but we can't let it get to the scale where it becomes fact. Only when media companies from other states of Equestria are involved, will it start impeding our work. We cannot offer them anything we don't know."
I doubted they'd be able to keep a lid on this for long, eventually, I was sure, swarms would be attracted, picking away at my increasingly flimsy life. At least for a day though, I might have time to think about this.
"Well, good luck with your findings, Twilight, and good luck to adjusting to Ponyville, Max. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, but, as it stands, it doesn't take priority over governing Equestria. I will research as much as I can, but the safety of our land is more important, I have pressing matters to attend to."
"I understand, princess," Twilight included.
"Goodbye everyp-, everyone."
With a slight bow, the princess left, remembering to duck this time. So, I was a citizen of Ponyville. I was also a test subject. It was amazing how much had changed with her brisk visit. I was expected to co-operate with this unicorn, and show her what a human is generally like. They picked a terrible example. Swiftly, Pink also decided to leave, exclaiming loudly,
"I need to go, Twilight! I gotta tell everypony about the next party!"
As happy as I was to see her bounce out the window once more, I didn't like the idea of a party. Thumping techno that you need to shout over to communicate whilst taking illegal drugs isn't my idea of fun. I sat up in my bed, and put my hands over my eyes. Things sure did move fast here, too fast for an old man like me to keep up.
"Erm... well, would you like to stay here any longer Max? Or are you ready to go?" Twilight asked nervously. As numb as my ass may have been, I was itching to see what lay on the other side of this hospital.
I said quietly, "Yeah." I took my arms and stretched before turning to my side, pushing my legs over the bed. My beaten, torn jeans tightly fitted around my legs. I would need some new clothes. I didn't think they'd have a special shop for humans.
"Need any help getting up?" Twilight questioned. I was glad to see I kept my stubborn self when I replied.
"No." Holding onto the side, I pushed myself up. It was a horrendous strain on my arms, I was much weaker than I imagined. It felt like my arms were toothpicks, the force slowly snapping my bones. Eventually, I had stood up, and realized that I had a complete lack of balance. I fell a short distance before holding myself up on the bed, the fire returning to blaze my arms once again in pain, struggling to keep my weight up.
All the while they watched, the doctor and Twilight. What a pathetic specimen I was. With a grunt of effort I returned to the balancing act. After a few seconds though, I got my bearings and was able to take a step. I saw how much bigger I was than these ponies, they were just over half my size.
The doctor opened the door and they both left, leaving me to follow them. Not before sneaking the remaining painkiller bottle into my jeans, however. I supported myself on the wall for a time, but upon reaching the door, I could move more easily.
The hospital was modern, and had more corridors leading to other rooms. There was a waiting room, reception, and strewn about emergency beds. It was similar to a human version, the question was, who copied whom? I saw Twilight waiting for me at the exit, blaring sunlight shining down on her from outside. The doctor stood to the side of the reception desk, looking content.
"Thanks, Doc," I muttered.
"Not a problem, Max. It's what I do. And now I can say I performed a successful procedure on a human," He smiled. "Good luck out there."
I would need it. When I reached the door, the new world was opened up in front of me. Every house, more-or-less, was detached. Structures of all shapes, sizes and colours would be an understatement. This suburban town sat nestled comfortably between fields of green. There was even a river dissecting parts of the town. The ground was entirely grass with a few stone paths, and scattered around were diverse trees. The weather was perfect, shown in the cloudless sky above.
I'm sure, for many, it would be safe to say I stumbled upon a paradise.
Amongst these surroundings, however, were ponies. Many ponies. All staring at this fresh-out-the-hospital immigrant nearly double their size that looks nothing like one of them. Some stared, frozen in shock or confusion. Some ran, or at least kept their distance. Seeing me next to one of their own probably helped them refrain from screaming though.
Just like their buildings, these ponies were all different, but always colourful. There were more unicorns, normal ones and some with wings like the princess. Only now had I noticed that every one of them had a symbol on their backside, again, all different.
This was one damn elaborate drug trip.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
The walk to Twilight's house was a strange one. Even though I was immensely different to this species, hell, this universe , I wasn't exactly receiving the aura of hate I usually got when I went somewhere new. While I did get a few stares and screams initially, when they saw I was relatively peaceful, I was accepted just like that. By now I should have been mugged, verbally abused and beaten for entering some 'territory' I had failed to research belonging to the latest gang.
We walked slowly as I shadowed my eyes to take in the sights. The sun was beating down relentlessly, unwavering to my inner torment as I began piling on the layers of sweat, converting my tank-top to a darker colour. Not even five minutes walking. I suppose a bullet to the head'll do that to you.
This was about as rural as a town could get. Plenty of farmland surroundings, isolated by greenery and cut off from the rest of 'Equestria'. It seemed for the best, until I could figure out a plan of action, I just wanted some quiet. Hopefully the promise of a lack of media attention would stand, because I sure wouldn't for it.
We passed countless ponies who shared a similar lifestyle to humans. Shops, couples, parks; all in a pleasant, if cliché, environment. Were it not for my cynical view of the world I might be tempted to call this place idyllic. The very air cleared some remaining haziness that the painkillers could not.
It was pointless to raise any queries I had about the impossibility of this to Twilight, or, in fact, anyone, as they didn't know. For now I was going to live in blissful ignorance and obliviousness of what strange power brought me here.
Twilight occasionally paused so I could catch up, I must have seemed elderly given my current pace. I was unsure whether it was out of my admiration for the town, my laziness, or actually being old, but I couldn't help but take a snail's stride with each step over the mix of cobble and grass paths.
A few minutes and several gallons of sweat later, we arrived at a tree re-modelled into a house. It was hollowed out, scattering it were multiple windows and, impaling the top of the leaves, was another window leading out to a balcony. I never had a tree-house as a kid, and now here I was in front of a literal tree house .
Time sure doesn't wait for anybody. One day you're an ex-cop battling inner demons, addictions and gangsters, the other you're inducted into a magical land of talking ponies. Tomato, to-mah-to.
Entering the actual structure gave way to some more astonishment. I should have guessed from the book sign out front, but it was a library. It couldn't get much duller than that, which was perfect for myself. Rows and rows of books lined the inside of the bark walls, and a couple of tables gave way to a overall relaxing feeling when the door was closed. I wouldn't exactly call it a sanctuary, but it had a mellow mood emanating from the simple furnishings.
"Spike! I need to introduce you to someone!" Twilight called out to up the stairs. Great, so she had a pet. Sounded like a dog, I didn't know whether I could tolerate animals. A thump, followed by a brief pattering of slow, what I assumed to be, paws echoed through the hollow tree before it appeared at the top of the stairs.
Our faces shared the same expression of confusion, our lips threatening to let loose a 'what the hell is that?' Or maybe that was just me, as the... thing, spoke first from atop the stairs.
"Erm... hey?" It half-said, half-asked in a young-sounding male voice as it raised a claw. It was some sort of over-sized lizard, purple and green-scaled. It also looked a bit chubby, but I couldn't talk. Without looking down I could tell that my own stomach was assaulting the ruined jeans. I responded in my own questioning, low tone.
"Hello?" I offered my own hand up in greeting.
"Well that was easier than I thought it'd be," Twilight said, pleased. "Spike, this is Max. He's going to be staying with us for a while. He's a human and we have no idea how he got here, so I'm studying him for the princess."
In about five seconds she summed up my entire life here.
"...Right," The thing said simply. "I thought they were myths?"
"Apparently not," Twilight replied.
The thing seemed content with the explanation, but I still had yet to find out whatever it was.
"...So, what are you ?" I asked, and the thing started smiling as he spoke, puffing out his chest and flexing.
"I'm a dragon!"
At this point I wasn't too shocked. Maybe the fact that these didn't actually exist was a bit more surprising, but then again... unicorns. I didn't really think too hard on the subject. Still, he was a lot smaller than I imagined a dragon.
"A baby dragon," Twilight corrected. That's why. You can have pet dragons in Equestria. They'd probably come in handy against enemy squads. A bit more effective than an attack dog. Once more, however, he didn't look like the aggressive type. Twilight inquired further, "Do you have dragons in the human world?"
"Sort-of. They're myths." Like me I suppose. I wonder what else this world has to offer. Next there'll be half lion, half eagle punk-kids.
"Interesting," Twilight said. "Oh well, do you need anything?"
Honestly, no. Just a sit down, but I noticed a lack of chairs. So instead I opted for some seclusion.
"A bathroom?" I wondered if the toilets were specially made for ponies, I can't think why they wouldn't be though.
"Oh, sure, it's up the stairs and to the right," Twilight said as she gathered bits of stationary.
I followed the directions and went up to where Spike was still standing. Being smaller than the ponies meant I was statuesque in comparison, I was almost hitting my head on the roof. Nodding to him as I walked past, I spotted the bathroom door.
Ducking under the door, I entered the incredibly clean bathroom. The toilets were, in fact, the same. There was a mirror at about chest height, which also acted as a toiletries cabinet. Unfortunately, it appeared Twilight was healthy, I could find no painkillers. I had several left in the doctor's bottle I stole, but I knew they would soon be diminished.
I walked up to the mirror and stared at my aged face and balding head. Now that I wasn't a wanted man, I guess I could grow it back. I ran some of the tap water and washed my face with it, avoiding the bandage that was covering the healed infection. I breathed deeply and looked over myself. I really needed some new clothes. The tank-top was falling apart, holes and loose threads all over it, while the jeans had lost all of their colour. I was curious to see if I could get a custom-made human jacket.
I felt able to, if not take on the day, cope with the day. As a precaution, I told myself, I took another painkiller and slipped the bottle back in my jeans. My respite from 'paradise' ended, and I headed back out and down the stairs, where Twilight was patiently waiting with a quill and paper. Adorning her head was a pair of glasses, and she looked at me intently before asking,
"Are you ready to start?"
Thinking she would start the investigation into what it means to be a human, I feigned ignorance.
"Start what?"
"Some questions about your life. While it may be interesting for myself personally, I don't want to disappoint the princess. Anything that gives us more clues about..." She thought to herself, "...Humanity, I think that's the right word."
I seriously doubted that either of us would enjoy me talking about my life. 'Some questions' could have meant two or sixteen. I decided to play along for now, while eventually unavoidable, I hoped to prolong any emotional details.
"Fine." I scanned the floor, but it showed that I would have to sit on a red pillow like Twilight was. I sat down, exercising my over-worked back. Sitting cross legged, I felt like a disruptive second-grader who had been given a time-out. My mental state fitted that image. Determining that the seating position was uncomfortable, I instead moved the pillow and rested my head on it as I lay on my back.
I looked up to the natural tree patterns on the ceiling. I wasn't going to be able to get up easily from this position, but for now, I didn't care.
"Hmm, I didn't actually have anything planned," Twilight said. "I guess questions'll be made up as we go along."
Fun.
"Hmm, family? Any brothers or sisters? What were your parents like?"
This was most certainly not going to be enjoyable. "I never knew my father. My mother died several years after I graduated police academy. No brothers or sisters. Next."
I didn't need to turn away from the ceiling to tell Twilight was reluctant to delve further.
"Oh, s-sorry. What about, like, a fiancée or spouse?"
"Next."
There was a few moments of pause, and I heard Twilight scribble something down. Analysing my psychological profile, this might actually be a good read. The ceiling patterns joined and twirled in the centre.
"...Oh, let's move on to something simpler then. What about... music? Do you like this..." She asked herself, "what's it called again? Dubstep! Are you a fan of that?"
"What the hell is that?" They must of had different genres of music in Equestria.
"It's like, electro, but not. It's really bass-y."
"That sounds awful, I hate techno-crap."
"That's understandable," Twilight said, and for a moment we shared the same sentiment. "What about... strings or orchestral pieces?"
I couldn't lie, I actually enjoyed those. The soothing tranquillity they brought was a much-welcome addition to life. They spoke in emotions, not notes.
"Yeah. Piano and violin sort of stuff... yeah. Sombre music." What a downer I was.
Twilight wrote some more notes, and I was slightly more at ease. If it stayed at subjects like this, I could deal with it. That's when she decided to ruin that chance.
"Err, you said a 'police academy'? Tell me about that. It sounds like an important part of human life."
"Only for those who choose it to be. It's training to become an officer who... protects people from crime. I was terrible at it. I knew the minimum police procedures. But I was damn good with a gun."
"A gun?"
Damn it, not this again. I thought about it for a few seconds. "A tool used to inflict damage to another person via a projectile fired with a propellant." That was about as technical as I would ever get. I think I heard Twilight attempting to sketch one.
"Do... a lot of humans have guns?"
"Yeah." I was painting a good picture for humanity. I tried to amend it partly, but I didn't put much effort into it. "They're designed to... help." Wow, looking back on it, a great job they did of fucking that up. A few more scribbles, a few more reasons why I shouldn't be trusted.
With the increasing awkwardness between our two species embarrassing us both, we both needed a break. My itchy, crumbling tank-top would prove a valuable excuse to stop answering questions for a while.
"Is there anywhere I can buy some new clothes? Custom-made?" I asked as I rose to a sitting-up position. Twilight glanced up from her writings to answer.
"Oh, er, well I don't know any human speciality clothing stores, but Rarity could probably make something."
"I'm going to head there, then."
"B-but, the..." Twilight stuttered, eager to ask more questions. Ultimately though, I guessed I was in control. She didn't seem the type to force me into answering. "Oh... ok. I'll take you there anyway."
The 'Carousel Boutique', as Twilight called it, was an easily recognizable building. Much like the name suggests, it was similar to a carousel, it even had some cut-out horses near the roof. Apparently the owner was a friend of hers, and I had the sinking feeling that I would be forced to meet more of them.
On the short walk there the reaction was about as usual from passers-by: casual. More or less. It was hard to understand why I was accepted so easily, this couldn't of been a usual occurrence. Twilight went first and rang the doorbell to the clothing store.
A female voice called out in a singing tone, "Co-ming!" I had the opinion she was going to get more than she bargained for. The door opened, revealing a white unicorn with a curled, purple mane. From the look on her face, she was more confused than scared, tilting her head to the side as she took notice of me in all my dirty, pathetic glory.
"Um... Twilight? What did you do now?" She said in a sophisticated voice. I wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed by the fact that a pony had more class than I did.
"Oh, no, no! I didn't mess up a spell this time!"
"Good, you're still paying off that hospital debt for Featherweight, remember?" I was becoming worried of my studier's capabilities. Maybe she had more power over me than I thought.
"Let's not go there. Anyway, this is Max. Pinkie found him hurt at the edge of the Everfree. Princess Celestia has assigned me to find out more about him."
"I... see. Pinkie said something about that. You are much taller than I imagined. Well, I suppose it isn't the strangest thing to happen around here." Her face took a lighter stance. "Well, I am Rarity, a pleasure to meet you, Max." She nodded her head.
Clearly, she wasn't expecting a response, eyes going wide when I spoke, "Er, sure. Same."
"Y-you speak Equestrian?"
"English. But, yeah, I guess."
"Ah, strange. Oh, well, what brings you two here today?"
"Max, actually. He was wondering whether he could get some new clothes," Twilight offered. It was a double-edged sword having someone speak for me. In one way, I didn't have to talk to anyone, in another, I looked like I was mentally-disabled. Fair enough, actually, I was still deciding that myself.
Rarity regarded my appearance, and, from the way her nose flinched, smell. I was on a forest floor for a few hours. Pony baths were probably smaller than human ones, I can't wait to see how that'd turn out. She studied the arms and legs, plainly different from pony clothing needs.
"I... think I could whip something up. Come in, come in," Rarity said happily. Twilight glanced back in the direction of her library.
"Oh, I can't, I have the... thing... at the place." She made some head gestures which I couldn't be bothered to investigate further. Rarity caught on quick.
"Oh! Yes, yes, Pinkie told me..." She said to herself. "I'll see you there later then, yes?"
"Yep, thanks Rarity," Twilight said as they both started going their separate ways. Before I had the chance to follow Rarity inside, Twilight whispered me over. I, like a sloth, lethargically moved my way the short distance.
Twilight passed me a small sack containing a bundle of gold coins. "Here, no matter what she says, insist on paying her. I have no idea how she manages to stay afloat with all of the freebies she gives everypony."
There it was again, 'everypony'. Something about that annoyed me. 'Everyone' was a human word, this was openly copied from us, yet they had no idea of our existence? Maybe they could say the same about us, but ponies, non-magical ones, actually existed. In danger of too much thinking, I gave up.
"Ok, I'll get it to her."
"Thanks, I'll see you back at the library, ok?"
"Yeah."
I headed back into the boutique. In America I wouldn't be caught dead in one and, in Brazil, I doubted they existed. The name alone would arise suspicions of my sexuality. I briefly wondered why that was, why I'm so accustomed to judgemental people, prejudice and discrimination. I wasn't smart enough to figure it out, so I gave up at the first hurdle.
The inside of the boutique sparkled before my eyes. Mirrors decorated near-every side of the walls, encapsulating the glow of the vibrant, purple flooring and shine of the assortments of fabrics. Pony mannequins were standing randomly around the circular main room, wearing a range of simple fabrics to full-blown sequinned dresses.
"So, what do you think of my business?" She asked.
"It's, er, very shiny." It would have been acceptable to wear sunglasses in here. "Messy as well, isn't it?" I had no idea why I was being so bold. I half-expected her to stab me with her horn. She certainly looked like someone who took pride in their work. Instead, she just gave a friendly scoff.
"Everypony calls it that. No-one ever listens to the 'organised chaos' argument."
Organised chaos. I liked that. It would be a good excuse for when I eventually fill up Twilight's house with alcohol. Rarity collected several bits of designing equipment and measuring equipment, as well as a pair of red glasses.
"Would you mind standing on that, please?" She pointed towards a pedestal flanked by mirrors for observing the new outfits. I followed and achingly stepped up on to it, where she proceeded to measure my arms, legs, torso. "Do you have any preferences? A coat, shirts, fleeces?"
The suggestion of a fleece nearly made me start sweating again. "A jacket?" I responded. "Black with a white shirt underneath. And some pants, anything really, if you can?"
"You have obviously never met me. There is no fashion challenge I can't handle." She immediately set out searching for appropriate materials and sewing equipment, and I was able to step off of the pedestal. Finding the necessary equipment with her magic horn, she began working on the sewing machine.
It looked like it would be a wool jacket, the darkened fabrics going under the machine an at an alarming pace returning in neat sections and shapes. It was too hot to wear it straight away, but that's what the shirt was for.
"So... Max, where did you come from?" She suddenly asked while working.
I forgot that she didn't know that I was human. It was limited knowledge around here, apparently.
"Earth, the human world." It felt stupid to be saying that, like I was acting in some sort of science-fiction movie.
"What's it like there?"
"A lot like here, it seems." Minus the crime, cars, humans and lack of magic.
"Do you remember how you got here?" She asked, still focused on the task at hand. Actually, hoof, I guess. What the hell was I doing making puns?
"Not exactly. The last thing I remember is being killed."
The revelation momentarily stopped the sewing machine and grasp of her magic as she gasped. "Oh my! How did- wha-..."
She was at a loss for words just like everyone else was. I doubted we'd find out anytime soon.
"I'm not quite sure what else to say but... sorry. This must be dreadfully confusing for you."
I sat on the edge of the pedestal, staring at the floor. All the answers usually came to me in time, whatever the subject was, now though? It looked unlikely.
About half an hour passed, I could see the sun slowly sink into the hills outside, when Rarity requested something.
"Erm, Max? This is going to sound strange... bear with me here... could you please stand like a pony?"
God damn it.
"On all fours?"
"Yes, I need to properly determine the difference between a pony's leg area and a human's. Sorry about this."
Sorely standing up from my seat, I stretched my back slightly and went to the floor. I held myself up in a press-up position, already throbbing with pain. Without the adrenaline of a fire-fight to keep me mobile, I was a complete wreck.
Seeing my struggle, Rarity measured my legs as fast as she was able, and observed that they came straight down from the spine. No ninety degree angled legs like a pony.
"Alright, that's all I need." She said, "Do you need any help up?"
Yes. "No." I fell to the ground, turned over and lay on my back. "I'll be fine here for now." I was really this vulnerable? If only my enemies could see me now. Surviving all of them just to be taken down by crippling age. Maybe it was because it was the only exercise I had which didn't involve me dodging bullets. I made it look so much easier when it was required, now, I could be as slow as my body wanted.
Another half hour and snippets of small talk later, she had finished. I was still on the floor. The carpets were surprisingly comfortable. I sat up as she brought the items to me, along with a small glass bottle floating in her magic.
"Here you go, all done!" I stood up and took the clothes, but stared at the bottle. "It's called cologne." I humoured her, and myself, pretending I didn't know what it was.
"What does it do?"
I could see her attempt to form a less insulting sentence in her mind than 'it makes you smell better'. What she said was a minor improvement, suggesting I didn't smell repulsive, but could do with a freshening up.
"It makes you smell nicer . I understand being in a stuffy hospital all day doesn't do much for the state of one's hygiene."
"Thanks, er, do you have anywhere I can try them, and it, on?"
"Just in here," She lead me to a changing room covered by a pink curtain. "Unfortunately I must go, so I can't make any changes just yet. I have a... thing at Twilight's place. You do remember the route back don't you?"
"Yeah."
"Perfect, well, I might see you there then."
"Alright. Oh yeah, Twilight wanted me to pay you," I started taking out the small sack of coins from my old jeans. Through her magic, however, she pushed them back in.
"No, no, no! I can't do that. You're new here, and frankly, you need them. That top of yours is falling apart."
"If you're sure." I don't think this is what Twilight had in mind when she said to 'insist'.
"Positive. Now I'll see you soon, Max."
"Ok, thank you, Rarity."
I sure as hell was warming up to these pony customs. In New York the opportunity of getting something for free usually landed you in jail or the gutter. Rarity left and I was in the changing room in moderate darkness. I would have guessed around six or seven o'clock. Time was hard to keep track of.
Firstly, I went for the new set of pants. They were a perfect set of beige cotton pants which left a lot of room for my ever-growing diet. The shirt had the same properties, but a pure clean white. I wondered how long that would last. With the sun gone, I would assume it was cool enough to wear the jacket.
Just like the rest of the ensemble, it was a loose-fitting jacket. Pockets, buttons and consistency, all in the space of an hour. The darkness of it really amplified the whiteness of the shirt. While it brought back painful memories, it also brought back the time when I understood what was going on. It was a flawless classic. I regretted not forcing the money on her.
I swapped the contents of my old jeans into the jacket pocket, painkillers and the money sack. I didn't know what to do with the old outfit, so I took them with me. Aside from myself, I guess it was the last part that remained of my humanity.
Stepping out of the boutique into the cool breeze of the night air, the streets were deserted. It was about now I expected a few round to whiz by my ear. But no, nothing but the tranquillity of night, split only by various lamps.
The lamps guided me back to the library, alive with light inside. It was very peculiar how there was no-one outside, it wasn't that late. Still, less attention was good. I took one of the last three painkillers in my pocket. Hopefully, tonight would be a few questions followed directly by sleep.
I opened the door and was immediately shot by confetti, balloons and noise all shouting in the same cacophony of, "SURPRISE!"
Lining the walls were banners signed, 'Welcome to Equestria, Max!' Below these were hundreds, somehow I was certain, hundreds , of ponies. On the stairs, in the hall, the main room, it was full of multi-coloured ponies all beaming at me with glee. I could clearly see the master behind this as Pink, bouncing on the library desks with cake in her hooves.
Amongst all of these were a separate group of Twilight and her close friends, like Rarity. There was even some musician standing on one of the desks, a large cello resting against her. The plain thing to take from all of these ponies though, were the faces. Smiling, silently expecting something.
This was going to be a long night.
Author's Note
Max's family stuff was a total lie! Thanks to ATung231 for telling me that apparently there's a online novel comic thingy about it!http://www.rockstargames.com/maxpayne3/comics
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
The thunderous rounds of party poppers shot me in the face, scattering it's bright, frilly entrails over my dull character. The party then kicked it into fifth gear, leaving me in the dust as many of them began talking amongst themselves. The tree lit up with conversation and noise, almost forgetting the fact that there was a human here.
Clearly in Pink's parties you didn't need to understand the occasion, you just went. I suppose being human is what attracted the massive number of them though. I was getting a lot of stares.
I saw Twilight and Pink making their way to me through the fields of crowds. Pink had a plate of cake resting on her back which was managing to stay balanced throughout the bouncy ride she was giving it, while Twilight's approach was a much more composed, careful walk.
"Hey, Max, I'm sorry about this, but Pinkie insisted," Twilight said just before Pink bounced into earshot. Over the course of a single day Twilight had learnt I would hate this, the flocks of ponies and masses of noise, drowning me in their attentive inspections. She knew that much about me already.
"Happy birthd- I mean, er, welcome Maxxy!" Pink beamed as she offered me the entire cake resting on her back. It was laminated in layers of chocolate and pink frosting. I hadn't done a blood-sugar test recently, but I was positive that eating this would result in diabetes.
"Don't call me that. Why the hell are there this many peo-... ponies?" I said, momentarily catching the glances of a couple of random ponies.
A new pony appeared, this one flying above the crowd. "Obviously you've never been to a Pinkie Party!" This one had a rainbow patterned tail and mane, but a blue coat. Yet again, this pony seemed more or less relaxed at my presence. The lack of prejudice in this community was astounding.
Immediately coming from her I sensed a brash attitude. I didn't think I'd like this pony. Maybe it was youth in general, she reminded me of cocky, young hoods back home. Not exactly the respectful type.
There they were, accepting me with open arms and a party, while I planned out who to avoid and dislike.
"Max, this is Rainbow Dash," Twilight introduced while I tried to plot the quickest escape route. Rainbow Dash landed next to Twilight, but upon seeing how much taller I was, began flying again. Some kind of inferiority complex. Or just plain intimidation. I had a bleak outlook on things.
"Yep, fastest flyer in all of Equestria here!" She wasn't doing much to dissuade my theory of her being cocky. "So... you're the... hummus?"
"Human, Rainbow. Hummus is a type of dip," Twilight corrected.
"I knew that!" She quickly exclaimed. "Yeah, well, nice to meet you then, Max. Good luck with... whatever it is you're doing, Twilight. I'm going to go see about that drinks table." With that quick introduction, she flew off.
The drinks table sounded good, I hoped they had gin. If it meant wading through the crowds though, I could wait. I desperately wanted to go upstairs, to the bathroom to break away from this whirlwind of socialisation. But that ran the risk of being stopped by the many ponies blocking the stairs. If any of them were like Pink, I wouldn't be eluding this party.
Something told me this was inevitable, that this was how you're inducted into Ponyville, so there was no point in attempting to get the whole thing called off. As much as I enjoyed being the buzz kill of existence, I guess I owed them my life, for the amount of suffering that's worth.
The next pony on this roundabout of misery that lead to meeting me was an orange pony with an actual Stetson hat. Another example of humanity in Equestria. The variety of colours never stopped, this one had an orange coat but a blond mane. The way she spoke was almost humorous to me, a thick southern accent to complete the image of a cowgirl.
I was beginning to understand the differences between male and female in this world. Though there were far less males, differences in facial structure seemed to be the give-away.
"Howdy partner! Name's Applejack," the orange pony said cheerfully. I don't know how they managed to put up with this party so well. Maybe I was just the spitting image of a crotchety old fart that despised fun and all it's friends, laughter and happiness. I was hoping that Twilight didn't have many friends to introduce me to, but then, what else did I have to do but stand here?
"Uh..." I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "Hello." I should have at least tried to be approachable. Or at least not a complete asshole.
"Twi tells me yer the human the princess wants some info on?" She didn't seem to notice though.
"Yeah, pretty interesting town you've got here." I could at least feign an interest in small talk.
"Anythin' like your world?"
"Aside from the talking ponies and magic, it looks pretty much exactly the same." And more colourful than a rainbow sent through a blender.
"No kiddin'? Huh, well, ah hope you enjoy yer stay here, fer however long it'll be." I was wondering that too.
"Thanks... nice to meet you." I couldn't help but inwardly remark on my own slowness of pace when speaking. It could have been the confusion, but honestly, I think I was used to it now. Maybe it was the fact that I was supposed to be friendly. That would be a challenge.
I heard Pink's voice be dragged away by the various party-goers, following the stream of conversation. I assumed she was well known around here, especially if she was able to gather up the entire town for a party.
"Max, you look positively marvellous in that!" I heard Rarity say as she came closer to us, meandering carefully past the jumbled crowds. I couldn't disagree. Only thing left was for my hair to grow back. Although, appearance never was something I cared for much.
The unicorn, like everyone else, was without clothes. What was the point in having a clothing store then? After this party, I guessed, would allow me to ask some questions. And probably receive a lot more.
"Oh, thanks. It's a good fit. Brings back memories," I said, polishing the black sleeve with my hand.
"What about the shirt? Is it itchy? Or are the legs too long on the pants?" She asked back.
"No, they're-..."
"Maybe the buttons of the jacket aren't quite even?"
"I-"
"How abou-"
"Rarity!" Applejack cut her off with a sharp call. "Ah think he's fine."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. I just want it to be absolutely perfect!"
"It is, don't worry," I said. Reaching into one of the jacket's pockets, I pulled out the small sack of coins. "I don't think I pestered you enough to accept this."
"Oh, not this again. Twilight, I'm not taking your money. Think of it as a welcoming gift for our friend here," Rarity said to the annoyed purple unicorn.
I didn't want them to think of me as a friend. Friends of mine had a nasty habit of not waking up the next day, or losing everything that being a person should entitle you to. I was the embodiment of a plague, draining the life out of others around me and spreading until entire cities fell.
"But Rarity! You can't go around giving your works away just like that!" Twilight pleaded.
"Dear, you seem to be forgetting something. Element of generosity here. Being slightly selfless is a requirement," Rarity said with pride. Element of generosity? Is that some kind of title, like a lord? I just stood there, dumbly, seeing how far the pockets in the dark beige pants went.
"B-but... uh, fine," Twilight sighed. "But when you need a loan... I'll probably still help... but there will be a serious lecture involving 'I told you so' over and over again!"
"Point taken, dear." Rarity scanned the room briefly, "Have any of you seen Fluttershy?"
Oh, no, another. I was going to be standing here all night. There was a faint flapping of wings to be heard over the hubbub of mass chat, and a line was clearing for a yellow pony as she navigated through the horde haltingly.
"Sorry... excuse me, oop-sorry... if I could... um... just get past... please..."
Oh. Because she's shy. What they did there. I see it. Equestria is a living, breathing pun.
Twilight announced the new pony's arrival, as she seemed too scared to stand up straight. I'm not sure whether it was because of me or her natural self.
"Max, this is Fluttershy."
"Oh... um... h-hello..." She stared up at me, her eyes partly covered by the pink mane. I don't think I could have seen anything more nervous in my life, and I once stood over an amputated, burnt soldier with a gun pointed to his head.
"Hi," I replied simply, leaving no room for further conversation and increasing the awkwardness dramatically.
She scratched the floor with a hoof gently, like she didn't want to harm the woodlice's home. She was looking down at the floor, while I looked around the library. I spotted, once again, the grey pony atop one of the tables, checking her cello, waiting. In order to break the uncomfortableness, I asked Twilight about it.
"Erm, Twilight? What's with the pony on that table? With the instrument?"
"Oh... well, I think we've all warmed up now. Do you remember when you said you liked orchestral, sadder music?"
"Yeah..." I wasn't sure whether I liked where this was going.
"I arranged something with Octavia, the pony with the cello over there, and I guess now's as good a time as ever," Twilight said before waving a hoof in the cellist's direction.
The pony nodded in response, made sure she was in a proper stance, and put the bow to the cello. The piece that came out was an old familiar one, and the chatter died down in awe.
There it was. The soundtrack to my life. Everywhere, it followed me, the notes bleeding together and filling in the veins of my shattered life. The sound of my struggle, of my slowly fading self. Of my redemption? How do you redeem someone destined to cause suffering wherever you go, no matter where you go? For the rest of their life.
These thoughts were accustomed by now, but the music washed away the anguish that was embedded in them. Harmony. That rare occurrence that happened in an even rarer place. It was a tune of mourning, of regret, of myself. Pain. I carried with me that burden of family just like my own name.
But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to loathe it the way I loathed myself. Even as it reminded me of all of the atrocities I had committed, each life took and each fibre of my being corrupted, it was always there for me. It wasn't inspirational, nor was it depressing, it was me. In all my sinful glory.
It called out to a better life, a real one. Not something built upon the crushed dreams of others. That's what I lived off of now: memories. Realising that I'll never have anything like I used to. This was one of the only notes in my life that wasn't played towards my blood-drenched soul, but to dark nostalgia.
I had a distorted vision of what a person's 'happy place' was supposed to be.
I opened my eyes, and quickly wiped off my idiotic, grim smile. To most it wouldn't be a smile, but it was a pretty big milestone for me. The ponies listening were either staring at the musician or me, as clearly none of them would request this at a party. The room was completely silent as it was brought to an end, each pony's mood significantly downtrodden.
I did the very least I could for that musician, as everyone else was to stunned by the turn of events to, I applauded. Soon after, Twilight and her close friends supported me in it, but instead stomping the ground with their hooves. After grasping the concept of what I was doing with my hands, the others joined in, until the tree shook with applause.
The cellist took a bow and stepped off the table, merging with the infinite crowd. I hoped they had CD's of her performances. I'd probably need money for that though. A job, then. That was next on the list. After a year-long sleep, maybe.
A roaring crack destroyed the calm atmosphere surrounding us, as Pink rolled a cannon through the front door. Firing it lead to a cheer from the attendees, it was an indication for something. As the blast of confetti sprayed over the room, another pony rolled in a set of sub-woofers.
This pony was a white unicorn, with two shades of blue in her short, sharp mane and a pair of purple goggles. The others seemed ecstatic at her arrival, all chanting, "Vinyl, Vinyl, Vinyl!" She took her place, smiling, on top of the table where Octavia once was with her quadruple set of speakers.
The stream of synthetic music immediately pulverised my eardrums and sent the tree shaking again.
"Oh, Pinkie!" Twilight cursed over the booming sounds. "I'm sorry, Max. I said no dubstep!" Honestly, I was fine. The previous piece must have soothing properties because I wasn't debating whether or not to go on a killing spree listening to this. "I'll go try and talk to her!" Twilight left, and I could see Fluttershy cowering near Rarity from the deafening music.
"I think we'll take a breather outside, if you don't mind!" Rarity shouted, and escorted the timid pony outside.
Leaving did sound like a great idea, but I had my own ways to cope with it. Pulling out another painkiller from the jacket, I noticed as I ate that it was getting increasingly hot. I took off the black jacket and looked for somewhere to put it. The only spot far enough from the speakers was on the food table, which proved useful in reminding me that I hadn't ate in at least seven hours.
Leaving Applejack and making my way there, I saw Spike picking from the selection of foods. I stood next to him and nodded in greeting. I didn't have it in me to shout hello. He simply waved back at me while he stuffed his face with some kind of yellow twigs.
I wasn't the best connoisseur on food, human or pony, but the looks of flowers between two slices of bread didn't seem all that appealing. There was a lot of candy and chocolate based products, which, again, weren't really my speed.
Spike suddenly offered a handful of the yellow twig-like things to me. "Crispy hay fries!" He shouted, cutting through the blaring music. Bits of hay? Fried? It sounded perfectly average, if plain, so with nothing else to lose, I took them and tried a bite.
They weren't the most awful thing in the world. It was just a crispy, dry stick. Somehow I couldn't help but down the rest of the twig, and then go for several more. There was a certain quality about them that made them enjoyable, the brittleness made the crunch all the more satisfying. Spike looked at me, silently asking my opinion on them. I replied back with a thumbs up, I may be returning to them.
There was also a bowl of peanuts, recognizable from all of the bar brawls. I grabbed a handful and went back to my spot at the back of the room. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in a handful of salted nuts.
I could see Rainbow Dash side by side with the DJ, leading the crowd in a head-banging frenzy. The music was getting to me now, it was removing the final parts of Octavia's piece from my mind, clouding it with rhythmic thumps.
I noticed Applejack, and thought about the lack of insobriety I was feeling. I walked up to her and asked between the louder beats, "Is there alcohol in Equestria?"
"We don't have much of the fancy stuff in Ponyville, but we got some left-over cider this season!" It wasn't exactly my thing, cider. It's more a drink you enjoy, not force down yourself.
I shook my head at her, "Doesn't matter," and walked off. It's probably for the best, I tend to do stupid things when I'm drunk, like continue living. Hell, I do stupid things when I'm not drunk.
Resting my back against the wall of the library, an owl suddenly appeared, hovering next to me. Could they talk in Equestria?
"Who?"
No. Good. I didn't need much more on my overflowing plate.
"Who?"
But I could see that becoming annoying. Was this one of the party-goers pets? I ignored it and went about trying to block the bass from drilling into my head any further.
Over the course of about fifteen minutes, multiple ponies had greeted me and went, one of them was strangely inquisitive about the use of my hands, while others seemed to catch on that I preferred solitude.
The music began to die down, and Pink took the table with a microphone.
"HEY EVERYPONY! HOW ABOUT THAT?!" She screamed, and the audience went up into another cheer. I was doubting that this was for me anymore, it was just for the sake of partying. Not that I minded, the less attention the better. "But let's remember why we're all here!" Oh, God damn it.
I was abruptly locked onto by every member of the party as Pink continued to speak, "Welcome to Equestria, Max!" The whole herd repeated her words, and started another stomping fest. At least we were getting it over with.
Someone else had the amazing idea of yelling, "Speech!" from inside the crowd. This attracted mutterings of approval amongst them, before they broke out into another chant. Before I had the chance to refuse and leave then and there, I was unexpectedly floated into the air by the unicorns of the group.
The feeling of this magic surrounding me was that of being held up by strings, certain points of my body pulled with more force than the rest.
I flew over the heads of the ponies, a bald, dangling and graceless angel gliding towards the table with the DJ equipment and Pink. Rarity and Fluttershy, I saw, had made their may back in now that the music appeared over. I came to an uneasy halt over the table, but was gently lowered down.
I was still slightly dizzy, but a microphone was shoved into my hands anyway. The expectant, shining faces of the audience bored into my skull, like they were praising me for existing when all the while I was doing the opposite.
"Uh, hello every... pony..." I felt incredibly cheesy just saying it, but the spectators didn't mind. "Thanks for the... welcome... it's definitely been... something..."
Pink randomly burst out with, "WOO! SOMETHING!" Which lead to another clamouring of applause before I could resume.
"Erm, so yeah, it's a nice town you've got here..." I'll try not to leave it in flames. "... I'll probably see some of you around town... and hopefully we can find out why the hell I'm here," I ended. It wasn't the most memorable, long, nor interesting speech, but it got all my thoughts across more or less.
I quickly remembered something that, in the moment, I thought was worth saying, and before handing the microphone back, said, "Oh, and, don't tell anyone outside Ponyville or the princess will imprison you. Or something." Ending on a high note.
I think the audience reactions were somewhere between horrified and amused.
Before I could get booed off the table for that remark, that was what I expected anyway, Pink took over and pushed the party back on track. "Alright! Prison!" She said, less enthused. The mood changed when Pink picked up Vinyl by the head and sent her spinning another record.
I hastily stepped off and went back to the edge of the library. I wondered what the first impressions on me would be after that rousing speech. Deciding against the impending brain damage that staying indoors would cause, I spent the rest of the party outside. The cool, vacant night reflecting over the past harmonies of the day, supplying me with an endless source of tranquillity.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
Ponies had woken up now, and, nodding to yet another passer-by, I was beginning to feel swarmed. I suppose I just didn't like anyone acknowledging my existence, simply greeting me as I walked to the doctor's meant that there was one more person thinking I was an intelligent alien life-form. Maybe it was what came with that, expectations, that I wasn't a fan of.
The hospital came into sight, and it was the first time I actually caught a glimpse of the exterior. The tall structure from here seemed more like a psychiatric home, intimidating symmetrical cream walls rising up either side that sandwiched the entrance and it's pink-tinted windows. Still, the large white cross on the sign next to it assured me that I could get some pain relief.
After walking up the winding path to the entrance, I opened the green doors gently and went inside. It seemed just as empty as the last time I was here, clearly, disease and death were laughable in Ponyville.
The receptionist behind the front desk quickly took notice of me, and called into the side-room for the doctor.
"Doctor Patchwork!"
Patchwork? Maybe it was me, but that sounded strangely grim. Like fixing me up with a mess of random, temporary bits of cloth. Only fitting that he was the one to save me then.
The brown-coated doctor poked his head around the side of the room adjacent to the receptionist, and smiled. They traded positions as the doctor began talking to me.
"Max, welcome back! I hope this isn't a serious visit, I wouldn't want you to already be broken."
"Not exactly..."
"Good, how's Ponyville treating you so far? I see you have some new clothes," He said, pointing to my dark jacket.
"Yeah, Rarity made them. It's been good so far, just searching around for things to do. The library isn't on my priority list."
"Understandable, it is priority for the princess though, remember that. Anyway, what is it you need?"
"Painkillers." I put simply.
"Hmm... I don't exactly have a procedure for giving out drugs to humans. Any particular reason?"
Thousands.
"Would it be enough to say I have a prescription at home?" Did I have a trustworthy enough face? A scarred, baggy-eyed human about to crack without his daily fix.
"Considering what you've been through so far..." He didn't know the half of it. If he did, I'd be qualified for a long stay in a spongy room with plenty of restraints. "I guess I can make a special exception. Give me a second." The doctor exited into the adjacent room, and I was left wondering how easy that was.
I wouldn't call it catching a break, seeing as these would probably be the end of me. Then again, without the promise of alcohol, I couldn't indulge myself in a painkiller cocktail. I was accidentally getting exercise as well. And I wouldn't call it eating healthy, but it's probably better than a few-month old TV dinners. My lifestyle was accidentally reforming into something much finer.
So why did I still feel the need for a chambered bullet sitting on the sidelines? Those old habits.
"Here you go," The doctor came back, hovering the small bottle towards me. "You know the basics of using them safely, right?"
"Of course," I lied. Maybe being unable to down it with a scotch anymore would put me off them. I doubted it.
"Enjoy them responsibly, Max."
"Hah, I will." Before I turned to leave, I remembered my actual purpose here. "Oh yeah, one more thing, can you point me to the Everfree forest?"
"I would advise against going in there, it isn't exactly the safest place. What do you need there, anyway?"
"I'm not going in , just around it. For a side-job, I'm hoping to get a bit of money. I don't know what for though."
"Well, as long as you're not going in, just head behind the hospital and keep walking south of it. You'll hit the Everfree."
"Great, thanks doc." I wondered if he'd still trust me after a few-hundred return trips.
"Good luck on whatever it is you're doing, Max," He said as I began leaving. I couldn't tell whether that was for the job or for this life in general. Honestly, I didn't know either.
"A, er, bodyguard," I told him, eager to get a response that wasn't my own disheartening one.
"Sounds interesting, anyone important?"
"I have no idea." Like most things I stepped into, this stain would be yet another unanticipated one. Exiting the hospital and into the blazing sunlight, I swerved around the hospital and headed towards the clusters of trees in the distance.
After successfully reaching the outskirts of the forest, it was just a matter of following the edges until I came across whoever I was going to protect. Even in the afternoon, or whenever it was, the animals inhabiting the forest could be heard sounding their various cries. Nothing I recognised, but then again, I wasn't experienced in animals on Earth, let alone Equestria.
It seemed endless, at least half an hour went by and I still had uncovered nothing. It must have doubled Ponyville for size, so I couldn't imagine the actual acres it took up inside. At least this cycle of pointless walking seemed to give me a chance to think.
The halting of the animal noises appeared to signify this, giving me complete concentration to attempt the deadly act. Something I had ignored up until now was why I was still here, why I had made no further attempts to leave. I may have been low on authority in Equestria, but I sure as hell wasn't a push-over. If I needed to, I could easily press Twilight for information.
Then again, the princess was supposed to be working on it, wasn't she? I wasn't seeing the results.
However, I noticed myself shifting according to certain actions in Ponyville, and it takes being marooned to realise that. I had trapped myself in a maze of crystal shards that reflected the changing aspects of my being. Patience, generosity, fun... I sincerely felt I had manifested some of these virtues during my time here.
The overall fact that I wasn't climbing the walls here, desperately clinging onto a hope for a way home; patience. The refusal of money from working the job at the school, I considered it at least an act of selflessness, if not generosity itself. Fun, the ability to let myself go in a way that wasn't hazardous to my health and appreciate the time I had with the children.
One by one, I found it easier to try and redeem myself with qualities I could uncover, if only for a short time.
Almost like I was a productive member of society, but with a record of murder that had gone unpunished. A lack of a sentence to scorn my behaviour. The removal of family that acted as a prologue to my drug-filled, alcoholic, beat-to-shit persona.
Just like that, the old me was back.
There was no hiding it. I was on my way to grudgingly work my way through a job so that I could be paid and spend more time away from the ponies that had so willingly accepted me.
For a second there, I thought I had made some progress. Scary.
"Who dares disturb The Great and Powerful Trixie's Spacious and Comfortable Camp Site?" I heard someone say from my position next to a wooden caravan that was nestled between two trees. 'The Great and Powerful Trixie'? I could tell this would be a blast. Defending someone who refers to themselves in the third person, I probably wouldn't mind screwing up this job.
I couldn't pinpoint where the voice was coming from, so I was left looking into the forest as I replied.
"Er, I had a note about a bodyguard job? Something about getting messy?"
"Ah, yes, I knew that the hicks of Ponyville couldn't resist the charm and appeal of The Great and Powerful Trixie." A few moments of silence passed before she spoke again. "Judging by your grotesque appearance I can only assume that you are the human that backwater town is in such a hubbub about?"
A number of insults sprang to mind, but for the sake of my employment they were better kept enclosed.
"Yeah, I am." I decided that with a lack of respect from her, she didn't deserve any back. "Listen lady, if you want to do business, I'm gonna have to be able to see what I'm protecting."
She was temporarily muted, as if pondering her next words.
"Very well, the first stage of your employment shall be a test. You see, The Great and Powerful Trixie may have stranded herself up a lying and deceitful tree that Trixie thought was promising apples."
I looked up, and through a light canopy of dying leaves, saw the blue mare cling onto a branch for dear life. She had an unamused expression that I could tell was masking her fear.
"Chop chop, let's skip the pleasantries already," She said, already irritated by me.
While most of me wanted to ditch her there and leave, I guess for the sake of being an upstanding citizen I didn't, looking around for something to help her with. With no convenient set of ladders I had to wonder how she got there in the first place.
"Er, just jump. I'll catch you." Apparently, we both didn't like that idea.
"What?! Are you insane? I doubt a creature as lowly as you would be able to support himself, let alone The Great and Powerful Trixie!" She made a wide range of hoof movements with one, and wrapped herself tighter around the branch with the other. "That is not to say Trixie's weight is overbearing! If anything, The Great and Powerful Trixie's figure is-"
That's it, I was going to get some rocks. Maybe a big stick to poke her out of there. Something that could cause pain, at least.
"Hey! Don't even think about abandoning Trixie!"
"I'm not," I said with my back turned to the tree she was in, rummaging around her camp site. "I'm going to throw things at you instead."
"If you touch a single perfect and groomed hair on Trixie's head-"
"Then jump."
"Urgh," She groaned in anger. "Fine. You get here right now and catch me."
I was sad to have convinced her now, I had a nice collection of pine cones going. Walking back to the tree, I stared at her above; ponies didn't seem so small anymore. This was a terrible idea, and we were about to find out who for.
With no indication, she leapt from the tree and descended upon me. An intense feeling flowed through me, a mix of anxiety and adrenaline topped off with a lethal dose of concentration. Not quite the exhilaration of being shredded by bullets or diving from an exploding building, but something. Enough to make time slow down.
The unnecessary parts of this abrupt maneuver were washed out in grey, not critical to the catching of this egotistical mare. My actions could be thought about before they were carried out for once. Adjusting my arms, stance and distance, I prepared to rescue her.
Time resumed.
The initial force was the worst, nearly dislocating my arms and straining my back as I heard it crack. The solid ground held out well against my invading feet though, and kept me upright as I balanced the new weight. After a few seconds of sitting in my arms and not only judging the ground below, but my performance at catching, she carefully stepped off.
"Not bad, Trixie could have just floated to the ground or teleported, but it proved an adequate test of your skills."
God damn lack of guns.
A blue glow enveloped something inside the caravan, and brought out was a comical-looking blue hat accompanied by a cape.
"Now," She started as the attire was equipped, "The insurance company didn't quite cover the easy mobility of Trixie's caravan, so you are bestowed with the honour of pushing it to Ponyville."
Was this really worth whatever I was being paid? While it wasn't much above my particular set of skills, I still felt that being a reckless, cold-hearted incarnation of death qualified me some degree of respect.
Not only did the caravan appear far too heavy to push the entire way, there were two spots in front, suitable for it being horse-drawn. I didn't feel the need to lower myself any further, so, I hatched a plan that could easily not work.
"I'll be back." I said bluntly, and left. On my way back to Ponyville.
Trixie, shocked that anyone would just desert her, couldn't find the words to stop me, sighing audibly instead.
As I recall, the royal guard of this town travel in pairs.
I suppose I was sick of the control everyone else had over me, and it was about time I made someone else do the dirty work. It would also prove a test of just how much power I may be secretly storing. I was letting them get away with more than I'd allow back on Earth, surely.
It took only a few minutes before I found a duo of gold-armour plated stallions standing besides an unmarked building. I was positive that they were put here to not only protect me, but watch me. A few random ponies went past, unfazed by my presence, I thought about whether that would affect the guards' responses or not, having an audience.
I walked closer to them, and they instantly took notice without turning their heads. The streets of ponyville seemed deathly silent as I reached them, the surrounding houses observing us.
I wasn't planning on being hostile, or expecting them to be, but to see their reaction would show just how I affected this town's government. Would they refuse and tell me to move on? Remain stoic throughout? Perhaps they'd be completely nonchalant.
One thing I was convinced of, my presence would affect them. I was confident that the whole reason they were here was due to me, keeping information in and making sure I didn't fly off the handle.
"Hello," I started simply.
A quiet second of thinking later, and the left one said, "Greetings, Human." No reference to name then, I was certain everyone in this town knew it, so it was just for the sake of being professional.
"I was wondering if you could help me out with something..."
They didn't reply, so I hoped that was their assurance to continue.
"I'm slowly getting used to Ponyville life, but I've landed myself a job, and there's a certain part which is beyond my capabilities. I was hoping that you two might be able to do it. Just five minutes, bring in a caravan from the Everfree."
They looked at each other, surprised that I'd be asking such a stupid question.
"Sorry, Sir, we are only authorised to stand guard here, nothing more," The right stallion said.
Good, just the response I was hoping for. I had no clue how disciplined these two were, if they feared their leader's iron... hoof and could stay composed, or would just tell me to fuck off if I asked again. So far, they seemed trained, experienced, and that meant that they weren't willing to take a chance to screw up.
"I think it would be in the best interests of the Elements of..." Dammit, what the hell where they called again? They were in some sort of position of power, I thought. "...The Elements, and Celestia if you helped me out here. Your jobs involve watching out for me, don't they?"
Did they? I was just seeing what stuck as I pressed them. They didn't reply, my false facade of knowledge was convincing enough to make them consider their path. I knew that they knew that I was on to something.
"And, the longer I stay outside Ponyville, the higher chance that someone in that mountain city'll see me."
Hopefully I was playing to their career anxiety, and maybe even fear. Due to my size, I must have been intimidating. If they said no again, there's always the chance that the human will have a sudden bout of aggressiveness and attack them. I wondered if I could take them on? While hand-to-hand wasn't much my thing, I must have some advantages with size and reach.
"Erm, well, she did say to use any means to keep the human secure in his stay here, I guess that counts?" The left stallion asked his friend, dropping the pretence of professionalism that I was putting up. Now that the pony was being casual, it was easy to spot the youth in his voice, the real amateur seeping in.
"I don't know, is there, like, a punishment for leaving your post?"
"It'll only take five minutes," I reiterated
"Well," They stared at each other once more, coming to an agreement. "Okay, just, don't tell anypony."
Finally, some control. For the first time in my stay here, I had power over someone. Granted, they seemed new to the game, but I'd take anything at this point. I didn't realise how damaging being ordered around by colourful ponies was to my confidence, let alone masculinity. That's what you get when you step out of a burnt, demoralising world and into a goody-two-shoes haven where the sky literally leaks rainbows.
"Well, this is certainly impressive," Trixie said as I returned, the two guards either side of me. The entire walk here was devoid of noise, save for the crunching of a leaf as we approached the camp. "You managed to sweet-talk the royal guard into helping you? Trixie likes that," She smiled slyly from atop her caravan that was no longer hidden in the trees.
Being praised by her did corrupt the feeling of success, my goal was to get through this without making her too happy. Then again, a bonus is a bonus.
"Come along then, I assume they are going to be dragging it," She said, nose high in the air as she waited for her new chauffeurs to attach themselves to the home. Come to think of it, why did she need her home for the 'magical performance'?
Passos would say something like, 'We don't get paid to ask questions, bro'. Look where that got us, you fool.
Lifting it easily, and with me alongside them, the guards started the trail back to Ponyville. At least they weren't struggling, I didn't need any guilt trips. I was already on one that span a lifetime, sucking in everything I knew as I brought it with me like a pet rotweiler with an eating disorder.
As we neared the open road into town, a faint-hearted call sounded my name. While the one-truck convoy continued on, from the edge of the forest we just exited came the shy yellow pony I hadn't seen much of. The 'yelling' stopped as we saw each other and she closed the gap.
"Max... oh, um... hi," She said quietly. Actually, that was probably normal volume. If I was a little older, there'd be no way I could hear that.
"Hi...?" I wondered, expecting something far more important than just a greeting.
"Oh, yes, I just wanted to tell you that Pinkie is looking for you, she's trying to make friends with you... so you might want... to, um, avoid her."
Avoid? Was it really that obvious that I had no desire for things like that? Something told me that it wasn't that, but there was more to this fearful pony than met the eye. Experience in watching from the sidelines, learning without disruption.
"You're not into her antics either?" I asked.
"Oh, well, she's a great friend and... her parties are amazing but, she always invites so many ponies... and always attracts so much attention. She's very loud," She added, and, I thought, was happy to get that off her chest. "I saw that you preferred staying by yourself at the party, so I thought I should, um, warn you. Unless you want to see her though, that would be nice as well."
"I'll keep an eye out, thanks," I finished, and we parted.
Granted, it may not fully make up for the joys of having a car, but a transforming caravan is impressive. The guards had already departed, leaving Trixie to create her own stage out of the mobile home. It expanded and opened into wooden floors elevated on both sides. There was no sight of what used to be, a wide curtain of purple shielding it. A number of cheesy signs were stuck to it's roof, like a shooting star or planet, while two sets of trumpets waited at the sides.
Her purpose in life came across as being only to glorify her own existence, which showed in the transformation from reality, her small home, to her fantasy, the spotlit stage. We were in some kind of open plaza, probably the only area which would allow such a large contraption to take place.
The commotion and clattering from it being set up alone seemed to attract an audience, ponies starting a gathering around it and creating a general hubbub. I couldn't pick out any particular conversations though.
I stepped onto the stage and went behind the curtain, where Trixie was waiting.
"Well? Do the audience look ready to have their small minds blown?"
"I guess so. You might want to refrain from telling them that though."
"Hmph, The Great and Powerful Trixie will tell them whatever she wants, and they will accept it as fact!"
She reminded me a bit of Vlad. And now he's dead. Maybe she'd follow in his footsteps, it wouldn't surprise me if she spoke to everyone like this. I doubt she had it in her to be a Russian gangster though.
"Trixie only regrets not being able to use the fireworks, but she cannot wait any longer for the night to come, her adoring public need her!"
Throwing a smoke bomb onto the floor, she disappeared as the smoke dispersed, leaving me coughing by myself. Her shadow appeared on the other side of the curtain, striking many poses. The audience's conversations were halted as Trixie's rolling tones called out.
"Come one, come all, come and witness the amazing magic of The Great and Powerful Trixie!"
The trumpets called out a short fanfare, announcing the narcissistic mare's arrival. I moved over to the right side of the stage, hidden by one of the supporting walls, but still able to see Trixie. Being unable to see them, I couldn't quite gauge the audience reactions, but so far nobody had tried to kill her, this was a new record for me.
About now would be when a squad of paramilitaries dropped down from a helicopter, abducted her, and emptied a few clips of submachine-gun fire into the crowd for a laugh. All the while I'd be struggling to get off the stage in my usual uncaring demeanour. At least I hadn't been able to drown my brain cells in scotch yet.
She had begun performing, and, in spite of the audience not seeming to overwhelmed, I was impressed. I suppose for a unicorn, the tricks she was performing were elementary-grade. Still, juggling green fireballs was something I'd never think I'd see.
It was cosily dark backstage, and, save for Trixie talking sometimes, had a mellowness about it. It was bare aside from the average cabinet of props. Some time passed and, seeing as everything was going well so far, this was the time I decided what to do next. Taking a painkiller, I cleared my head.
Forced back to the library? That was the inevitable conclusion, perhaps I could delay it a little longer though. Depending on what money I could scavenge from this, I was tempted into a shopping trip. What exactly did I need though? A hat might be nice, just to cover up my ridiculous bald head, I wasn't required to be incognito anymore.
An explosion of thunder roared, and Trixie was controlling the cracks of lightning to draw pictures and words in the sky. 'The Great and Powerful Trixie' was one, who'd have guessed?
My stomach rumbled, and for the first time I noticed I hadn't eaten a proper meal in about two days. I still wasn't all that eager to eat, but I also wasn't eager to pass out. I assumed a steak wouldn't be on the menu here though, time to get used to salads. Reluctant to tell Twilight of human eating habits, especially after I already 'educated' her on our drug ones, I wasn't keen on ruining our species anymore.
There was my checklist, a hat and a meal out, anything to keep away from the investigation that seemed to hit further and further home, knocking down the doors that protected my mental state. Sooner or later, Twilight was going to find out. I would tire of getting asked questions and satisfy her quest for knowledge with my quest of quenching my bloodlust.
An abrupt burst of booing fired at Trixie, the jeers sounding tainted with anger. I snapped out of my inner monologue and stared at Trixie, who was on the receiving end of a few dozen rotten tomatoes. They weren't bullets, but I still felt compelled to stop the cliché attack.
As the tomatoes splattered against the blue curtain behind her, I ran onto the stage just as one came for her staggered and fallen body. Because this job wasn't quite proverbial enough, I dived to deflect it. The greyed out sidelines of concentration started and my reactions sped up as time slowed down.
Twisting my body mid-air, I made sure to cover Trixie's frightened form. Hitting me right in the chest, the tomato wasn't quite as reminiscent as the many bullets that had tried the same. Following in their footsteps, the tomato crumbled against me, giving off a repugnant odour as I fell to the ground.
Time resumed, and there I was, lying on the floor, stained in red like many a time before. Max Payne, the washed up bodyguard that refused to be dragged back by the tides. The stubborn old man whose skeletal structure was peppered with holes, and still wouldn't die. The unqualified referee of life who gave out far too many red cards.
Standing up quickly, and before I could see the audience response, I went back to Trixie and held out my arms from any more possible attacks. I was actually taking this seriously, like my fate depended on this. I couldn't help but laugh at myself when I pictured Passos throwing one more tomato directly at me.
The audience went silent, either astounded by my feat of heroism or just thinking about their next move. The tomato-throwing hooves gradually receded into the crowd, and everyone was at an impasse.
I could be being full of myself, but they stopped because of me, so, did that mean that they have some respect for this bitter old man? Or was it simply intimidation, the underlying threat of me going ape-shit and tearing up the crowd. I could bet I was the only one who kept coming back to that option. I wasn't as dangerous as I kept thinking I was, because I didn't need to be.
If it was possible to have a mass awkwardness moment, the dead air between the audience, Trixie and I, would take the prize.
I whispered to Trixie, "Come on, show's over."
"Urgh! Simpletons! Unable to handle even the slightest genetic modification!" She yelled to the crowd, and I quickly whisked her away before anymore fruits could be flung.
Hidden away from the crowds, we waited for them to disperse backstage. Trixie stormed about in a rage, crushing her hat beneath her hooves and pacing the floor.
"What the hell happened? Everything was going fine," I inquired, if only to waste some time. Truthfully, the only question on my mind was for the pay.
"These filthy little whelps apparently object when you try to replace just a tiny fragment of their DNA with that of a carrot! Trixie has done it plenty of times before and they have always turned out ninety-four percent okay!"
Right. Carrot DNA. Yet another reason to get out of here as soon as possible.
I was going to risk it, while she was in a fury with carrots on her mind, I was going to try and nab my pay and leave. Flicking off some of the previous tomato's entrails from my white undershirt, I tried dancing around the phrase 'give me my money'.
"Listen, Trixie, the job is done, the proof is on the floor," I said, pointing towards the rotting carcass, "If I get my money now, I can leave and take any remaining crowds with me."
"Hmmph, The Great and Powerful Trixie has no need for money. Anything she desires is brought to her on a silver platter!"
If that meant I wasn't getting anything I was going to choke her on painkillers, and I doubt she had built up the immunity I did.
"But, I have acquired a decent sum of money as this idiotic town does not accept acorns as payment. For protecting The Great and Powerful Trixie's glorious and magnificent image, Trixie guesses you have earned it."
From one of the side cabinets that held a collection of fireworks, she brought out a satchel that jangled as she passed it to me. It was a fair weight too, definitely enough to get me by. Still, just to check, I opened it and saw the bounty of golden coins waiting inside.
Eager to get the last laugh, the blue mare added before leaving, "Trixie can easily make that back in an hour!"
Huh. Guess Ponyville wasn't as innocent as I thought.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
This chapter gets pretty dark, ye hath been warned!
The lively, warm shopping street of Ponyville stood before me, tailors, upholsterers and restaurants lining either side of the road. I'd like to say it was homely, but that'd mean having a back-alley tattoo parlour hidden by mounds of sleeping homeless people, something I had yet to spot in Ponyville.
The lack of Brazilian gangs must of had a positive effect on my psyche, I wouldn't currently call myself an optimist, but the ponies here did seem approachable.
Come to think of it, I couldn't find much of a difference living in New Jersey or Brazil. It all boiled down to the influx of assholes that ruined my life respectively. At least in Jersey I didn't need to know the rules of soccer to get myself a damn drink.
I guess I brought it on myself, my existence breeds violence and presence corrupts morality. I was supposed to be the good guy, the hero. Last time I checked, heroes didn't drag everything down with them in a spiral of self-destruction.
At the rate I kept going back into these depressing mindsets, I was going to need more painkillers before the day's end. My brain just didn't want me to be happy. Not like I deserved it though. Happiness was a luxury I robbed from so many before me, why would a burglar be paid for his actions?
Popping another painkiller, I glanced at each individual shop, eager to waste more time before getting back to Twilight. The restaurant was first in line, and first on the list, so I made my way there.
There was a mix of tables being waited on inside the actual business and outside. The waiters certainly made an attempt to look fancy, fully equipped with tuxedos and the like. I couldn't imagine a place such as Ponyville having much class. Minus the racist hicks, it was the stereotypical definition of country.
Walking up to one of the tables outdoors, I sat down by myself and out of the way, waiting for service. I could only assume I gravitated to the outdoors because of previous bad experiences in enclosed places. The silver, metal seat held well against the incoming weight, and I rested my arms on the cold table.
It was amusing to look down on the many ponies even from my position sitting down, but still, they had become accustomed to my presence like I was simply a big, dumb rock staring at them.
I noticed there was already a menu on the table, and scanning the contents, while I was upset to have not found a full English breakfast, I expected as much. I didn't want to bring into question the subject of meat-eating habits, instead safely assuming that everyone here was vegetarian like the species would suggest.
Hay fries. I couldn't go wrong with them. There were many foods involving plants you wouldn't dream of eating back home, I doubted my stomach could handle a spiced petunia salad. Eggs, however, they sounded okay. Simple, and probably the only source of nutrition I would get in a while.
My decision was made as soon as the waiter arrived, a notepad in hoof and a composed, but snobby, look on his face.
"May I take your order, Sir?"
"Uh, yeah, I'll have some eggs and a few orders of hay fries."
"Would you like something to drink with that?"
Gin. Whisky. Scotch. Vodka. Jack.
"Just a glass of water, thanks."
"Very good, Sir."
Aside from the mini mental breakdown, that went well. As much as I'd like to drown myself in hard spirits, Ponyville wasn't equipped with any, let alone the amount I'd request. It takes a lot of burning alcohol to smother my demons, I'd say they probably relish in it more than I do.
Looking around the plaza as the waiter left, I could imagine the place looking very pretty at night. Miniature lamps spread out on each table, a thin, red fabric-covering stemming from the structure to protect the tables from rain, accompanied by a relaxed chatter going through and down the street.
It was a rare time when I actually went out to eat, who knew being transported into another universe would have such an impact on my social life? What little of one I had anyway. The only human interaction I had beforehand was taking criticism of my drug habits. Technically shooting people was interacting with them, I suppose.
I wasn't looking for a friend here though, even if I was being gradually forced into it. I didn't need friends, and they sure as hell didn't need me. They couldn't offer anything that would make me think otherwise.
A dancing, pink blob caught my eye, coming down the street and heading my way.
Crap.
A number of hiding options came to mind as Pink jumped her way closer into view. I could get under the table, but I'd probably be stuck there, and didn't want to look like a complete idiot who didn't know how tables work. I could make a dash for the interior of the restaurant, but standing up would easily give me away. Even if I had a newspaper to hide behind, my fingers would give me away.
"Hey, Maxxy!"
Damn. For some reason, I thought ignoring her might work as she hopped ever-closer, looking away to the side or hiding my face in the menu.
"Max! Max! Max!" She repeated with each jump, loudening and attracting the looks of onlookers.
"MAX!" She practically screamed, and I yanked my head up to quieten her as she appeared right next to me.
"What?!" I asked, barely containing my frustration.
"Hi!"
This was going to be painful. Mentally agonising.
"Hello."
"Whatcha doin'?" She asked, sitting on the other side of the table now, a massive grin plastered on her face.
"Getting something to eat." Speaking of which, the waiter had just arrived at the exit, the plate being held to one side and the water to his other. Hooves must be a pain in the ass to use. Lowering the food and drink to my table, three eggs surrounded by hay fries was on the fine porcelain-looking plate. Presented nicely, I could actually feel an appetite coming on. It was a lot better than my diet of peanuts found in dirty bars.
"That looks de-lish! Can I have one?" She asked, and her lips begin to stretch over to the plate somehow. I was slightly too freaked out to respond, she looked like a duck with an over-abundance of lip augmentation. She grasped a single hay fry in her mouth and took it back to quickly devour it.
"Thanks, Max! You're a great friend!"
That was a test wasn't it? Clever girl, seeing what my response would be. Fluttershy was right, Pink was obsessed with this whole friendship thing. I wouldn't get anywhere ignoring it, so I spoke my mind for once.
"Listen, Pink, I appreciate you dragging me to the doctor, I really do, but I'm not looking for a friend."
"But everypony needs friends! You're just being a Cranky Doodle..." Was that an insult? I couldn't tell. "...He was just like you, he didn't want to be my friend either, he just wanted to live in peace and quiet!" Sounds like I could share a drink with him.
"I know, boring, right? So I kept following him and trying to be his friend, but he wouldn't have it! Then I found out he was missing his special somepony and it all made sense." She let in a huge gasp, eyes going wide and body flying off the chair. "Are you missing your special somepony too?! Wait, it would be somehuman, wouldn't it? No, just somebody! That! Maybe she was teleported to Equestria too!"
Yeah, I wish, kid. Her words prodded the bull that took residence in my mind, and after a long period of passive resistance, he was eager to gore something. Last time a kid joked about my wife he later ended up bleeding on the floor of a bar with a pistol round in his chest.
"Pink, please, just leave me alone." I tried to go about eating my eggs, but her pestering wouldn't stop. Dipping a hay fry into one of the yolks, I remained unwavering while taking the brunt of her words.
"That's it, isn't it?! It's the only reason ponies don't want to be friends with me!" Not the fact that she doesn't mind her own business, attracts all attention within a mile, is annoying as hell or has the voice with the properties of a strangled monkey.
"Well, have no fear, Max I will not rest until I find her!" She stood atop the table in a 'heroic' pose. "I just need to find a way to the human world first..." She said to herself, hoof now on her chin. She galloped off, I expected fully believing she had a chance.
That was the closest anybody had been to hitting a nerve somewhere since my time here, of course it would be because of her. Trying to push it out of my mind, I finally could eat the simple meal. I didn't take much pride or pleasure in meals, hell, anything, but I found myself temporarily distracted by the amount of flavours in the eggs. Mixed with the addictive, dry twigs and you could say I had a new favourite dish.
As I ate, I realised Pink would actually be doing something right now to try and find my deceased wife. She'd better prepare for a lot of digging.
My memory flashed back to her gravestone, the looming mass of cold stone ever-imprinted in my mind. What made it worse was how it was branded with my name. 'Payne'. The final seal of approval for her death. Not only that, but shortly after it was dismembered by bullets, crumbling at my feet as I used it for cover.
Saving myself with the gravestone of my dead wife; I thought I was supposed to be sorry. Another painkiller downed with the glass of water, another memory suppressed.
After finishing the eggs with the knife and fork, I continued gorging on the fries with my hands. Again, I wasn't sure on how those hooves would of handled the job.
One thing on my check-list down, how else could I possibly procrastinate? Going shopping for a hat felt too trivial, nothing I would usually waste time doing. Then again, under these circumstances, I might as well.
Glancing at the other shops whilst the waiter made his way here, it didn't look like I had many options. I wasn't about to surprise Twilight with a new couch or pet squirrel.
"Will that be all, Sir?" The waiter asked, placing the bill on the table.
"Yeah, thanks." Fifteen bits. That wasn't too bad, was it? Either way, I was sure I had enough to cover it thanks to Trixie. Hopefully I was safe in assuming that one bit meant one gold coin. I gave a twenty percent tip, an extra three bits from my satchel and left.
Gradually, I was learning the major locations of Ponyville, now heading for the flagpole stemming from the dome of Rarity's boutique. If anyone could get me a hat, it would probably be her.
It might of been mid-afternoon by the time I arrived, my perception of time was hazy at best; the afternoon sky's hues just melded together to resemble my lack of concentration on the task at hand.
Knocking on the door, I heard her chime, "Coming!" She opened the door, and must have instantly knew it was me from the way she had to look up. "Ah, Max! Come in, come in..." She continued to talk as I was lead inside.
Rarity seemed like the type to gossip... for hours... so I hoped the room she was taking me to had a few emergency exits. It wasn't enough to try and interrupt her, insist I was only here to get a hat, she had to cut me off at every available opportunity to talk about something I wasn't really listening to.
Inside her living room, there was a blue-maned stallion sat at her couch, a monocle in one eye and dressed in a fine, black suit. He stared at me in surprise as Rarity went on. I think I had a good reason why. Unless he was one of those waiters, he wasn't from around here.
"In fact, I was just telling Fancypants here, from Canter-" She stopped as we both realised the one job given to this town had failed. Full exposure to an outsider, and he didn't have the insane rambling hobo look going on.
"...lot... ah..." She went silent, the room now heaving a great pressure on to us.
"I... say..." He said as he took off one monocle, wiped it clean, and checked again. Hovering to his side in an orange glow was a cup of brown liquid, which he gently lowered to the table.
There were many possible routes that went through my mind, and naturally, all of them involved removing him one way or another. Rationality wasn't for me, it would be like offering a bear toilet paper.
"...Fancypants... Max... Max... Fancypants..." Rarity introduced, in disarray and unable to think of anything else to say.
"I see the rumours were not entirely false then?" He said, inspecting my person from the legs up. "Quite a tall fellow, aren't you?" I just silently thanked the fact that he wasn't backed up in a corner away from me.
"Wait," Rarity started. "Canterlot already knows?" She asked, in a mix of relief and even greater fear.
"No, no, dear, far from it. We all thought it was complete hogwash." His face went easier, back to what I assume was normal conversation as he talked to her. "Many undeniably foolish stories are told about Ponyville, as if in some attempt to discredit your small town here." Examining me, he finished in a much slower amazement, "Never would I have expected one of them to be true though."
"I'm afraid that's the thing, Fancypants. As far as you are concerned, it needs to stay that way," Rarity said seriously. "You musn't tell anypony about this! We're under the princess's orders to not let anything slip until we have a better idea of... him."
Even she didn't know what they were judging. Celestia must know that I have the capacity to be dangerous thanks to my last one on one with Twilight. Still, I'm sure these ponies have the capacity to be too, all they need is a dash of my tainted mind-frame and to be stirred with psychoactive drugs.
The stallion was quick to recompose himself, adjusting his monocle and lifting the drink magically.
"That shouldn't prove a problem, I doubt many ponies are even aware that I was visiting Ponyville. Ponyville's secret is safe with me, you have my word as a gentlecolt," He smiled, and I took more notice of his upper-class tones. I still had yet to speak, and with good reason, I didn't need to come off as a complete idiot who stumbled in here for a hat.
Rarity sighed in relief, the heavy burden of failure alleviated from her shoulders as she sat down next to him.
"Thank you so much, I just can't believe your presence completely slipped my mind."
While they sat in contentment I shuffled gracelessly on my feet, routing through my pockets and taking check of inventory. Pills, money, lint. Deciding that this encounter would be more awkward than returning to Twilight, I felt like doing what I came to do and leaving.
"Sorry, it was good to meet you but... I honestly only came in here to buy a hat," Rolling off my lips, the truth felt clumsy and embarrassing like a drunk stripper-for-hire picking up her clothes on the way out.
"Oh, that's quite all-right. I won't keep you any longer then Rarity, I must be off. My grasp on the train timetables isn't as firm as I'd like it to be."
As they said their goodbyes, I contemplated giving him a handshake. Firstly, there wasn't much reason for it, but more importantly: it would just be me holding his arm. How were two ponies supposed to shake hooves without actually grasping each other's? Maybe they didn't. A simple nod sufficed.
Once he had left, Rarity lead me into the main creation room where I had my current clothes fitted.
"Can we trust him?" I suddenly asked, mentally more active now that there was a potential threat.
"Fancypants? I'm positive we can. He's not one to necessarily enjoy partaking with the socialites of Canterlot. He wouldn't have much of a reason to. Still, someone with his influence could easily bring the papers down here if he wanted to."
A measuring tape floating next to her, she began taking in the size of my head from all angles. Automatically getting to work, it was really something how she could turn her work mode on and off like that. I could do with one of those switches, one that actually worked.
Sniffing, she abruptly spoke up, "Um... Max, have you... bathed... recently?"
"Huh, that'd be a no." It wasn't high on the priority list, maybe I could pass it off as a mutual habit for all humans. "Been avoiding the library all day now, guess I forgot."
"Avoiding?" She picked up on my poor choice of phrasing, and for some reason I felt compelled to be honest. Of course, not entirely.
"The questions are getting personal, and Pink's barking up that same alley."
"Well, Pinkie I can understand, that pony hasn't the faintest idea of personal space, but Twilight? Unless it's something serious, you just need to tell her to stop."
"I'll keep that in mind." Just like everything else I had stockpiled in the nuclear bunker I called a brain.
She turned away from me and got to work with her sewing machine, magical flashes of blue sparking from in front of her. If I had any chance of paying her, it would be now, with her back turned to me. The only question was where to put the money.
On any of the tables littered with fabrics she would probably notice, it felt as though there'd be some kind of risk with just dropping it on the floor.
I noticed her purple tail, perfectly curled at the very end as if it were holding something. It wasn't the stupidest idea I've ever had, but it did have the potential to be very embarrassing if I were caught.
The bits didn't feel very heavy, but a dozen of them sounded it. Slowly, almost tip-toeing to her, I reached over to her tail with a bit between my fingers. Manoeuvring it's way between the clutch of her tail, the coin sat patiently. Repeating the process twice more, I determined that there wasn't enough space for more.
It fell to me to create a scavenger hunt for the payment. Wandering the room, I hid coins underneath materials, on top of a lampshade and in a pet's food bowl. Wasn't I the responsible one, endangering animals as well as all human life?
You could call it generosity, refusing a free hand-out, but I preferred to call it capitalism. 'You buy yourself a product and you get what you pay for'. Funny, the last time I recall saying that was under much more dire circumstances, not for the sake of buying a hat. How my life had changed in the past few days...
When the bits were all in positions were, while not immediately noticeable, impossible to avoid eventually, I went back to the main stage were her designs were held. Sitting on the slightly elevated point, I stared out the window at the still-high sun. All that time still to be spent dodging questions like they were mental bullets.
Maybe that was the good thing about Jersey and Brazil, nobody gave a rat's ass about me, so why bother even talking to me about the shards of my past life? Now I was the most interesting thing in the land, the usual screaming and dying breaths suffocated with ponies greeting me and handing out free crap.
"There! Finished!" She called out, stirring me from my short respite in my hand.
It was a classy little number, a black fedora with a strip of glossy velvet the same colour draped around it's neck. There were two red clips keeping the velvet in place that contrasted well against the darkness. Mainly though, it would cover my hell of a bald spot.
"I think it goes very well with the jacket if I do say so myself. Do you like it?" She floated it over to my head before I grasped it and put it on.
"It's perfect. Just what I had in mind. Thanks." Turning it back and forth, it slid easily around my head, but wouldn't simply fall off in the wind. "I'm guessing you won't let me pay you?"
"You would be correct, as a guest in not only Ponyville, but Equestria in general, I think it's only right you see some hospitality."
"Sure?" I was enjoying dragging this out, but I did want to leave before she spotted any of the hidden coins.
"Positive."
"Alright, thanks again."
"Not a problem, dear. Always a fun challenge fitting things for a human body. And um... remember the shower..."
There I was, stood face to face with Twilight's library. My biggest foe yet. No amount of painkillers could help fight it. But another one couldn't hurt. Like many plans before it, my strategy was to dive right in and hope for the best.
Opening the door as carefully and quietly as I could, it seemed fruitless as I was met with a horrifying sight.
Twilight sat in wait, next to the 'therapy couch', as I dubbed it, and was accompanied by Pink, both with expressions that could only denote their disfavour for me. Sitting cross armed together, their glares were trying, and partly succeeding, to intimidate me.
Of all the many things I failed at, I couldn't pinpoint what this one was.
"Max, you have a problem," Twilight said bluntly.
Oh, fuck. An intervention. I always knew this day would come, just not exactly like this.
"Yeah!" Pink started. "Why don't you want to be my friend?!"
"No, Pinkie, it's not that." She looked back at me. "The doctor told me how you picked up another bottle of painkillers, Max."
"I have a prescription." My one and only defense: lies.
"Prescriptions don't mean you can have one every four seconds!"
"Yeah! What are you hiding?" Pink said, barely in touch with what was going on. Jumping to her hooves, she leapt over to me and stole my new hat. "AH-HA!" She blindly accused, pointing to my shiny dome. "Wow, you really are like Cranky..."
"Check his pockets Pinkie."
With no time to grab her tail as she hastily rummaged around to grab them and escape, she brought the bottle back to Twilight along with my hat.
"Give me the pills. Now." I never realised what leverage a gun brought to the table. My rusty old beretta would be a welcome sight right now.
"No! Do you have any idea how dangerous they are in the amounts you're taking?" Twilight angrily said.
"Yep."
"Then why don't you stop?!" She asked, voice raised in bafflement at my idiocy.
"Because I don't care." The answer to my life couldn't come any simpler, nor in a tone that explained it any clearer.
"If you die? What is wrong with you humans?!"
While Twilight seemed to be on the edge of exploding, Pink had apparently learnt to put two and two together.
She asked quietly and innocently, "Is this because of your special somehuman?"
Twilight went still at this, while Pink was generally curious. All this beating around a dead bush finally ceased as I sensed they both realised it was true. It looked as though the fruits of their labour would end in me having a mental breakdown. Not yet though, I had one more card to play in my torn deck.
"I'm going to take a shower." Thank you, Rarity.
Pink looked like she wanted to protest, but Twilight stopped her, allowing me free passage up the stairs. I don't know why for any reason other than she had something planned when I got back. The final showdown of my mental escapades versus a magical unicorn. Unless you were a LSD addict, you couldn't make stuff like this up.
The bathroom was the one private place I had in Ponyville, and it wasn't even mine. The one place were I could go undisturbed in thought and action, unless they didn't follow that human common courtesy.
The water washed over me, but I didn't feel any cleaner. Essentially away from the rest of the world, I was still haunted by previous words and emotions from the close encounter. Why do I insist on continuing when I have nothing to lose? Was this my 'element'? Stubbornness? The refusal to give up and die when death had took all pawns but one?
Of course, it was easy to ask questions, not so much on the answering side.
If I give up, the killers win. That was a bare, unconvincing argument I told myself. Yes, the crackheads with no perception of anything but the next fix really cared about the continuing victim, didn't they? No, it was who sent them after my wife. Well, the perpetrator got her comeuppance, I could imagine her charred and mangled corpse buried under a few tonnes of helicopter steel. A pleasant image in my mind.
It still didn't stop the anguish, or the flow of valkyr. Countless clones jumped at the sight of replacing it, turning New York back to the needle-laden comforting bed-sheet for addicts. It made me wonder if my vengeance was in vain. Obviously, the purpose of Valkyr was to get it's abusers to slowly torment the innocents.
Back when I was innocent. A good cop. Someone with a purpose, hopes and dreams. An ignorant, unassuming child with medals in crime syndicate take-downs.
It was best to stop thinking. I let the water wash away the thoughts for the moment, but not the pain. Just like my name, it would stay with me, my continuing partner in fucking up lives.
I leant against the wall, the flowing water hitting the deep wound in my left arm. It tore through my entire bicep, the red river trailing down my arm. 'My second favourite drinking arm', permanently scarred by that leviathan of a bullet. It seemed funny how that was the only one of literally hundred of bullets that made a difference to me, but then again, I had a sick sense of humour.
So when I wasn't beating myself up, my thoughts wandered to other people who had tried. It was comforting to know that the day I run out of problems, I'll always remember the old ones.
After running out of happy thoughts to reminisce, I stepped out of the shower. Almost like I was a normal human being, the first shower in a while where I didn't end up sliding down the wall in tears. Baby steps.
Drying off shortly after, I finished up and made my way back down into the awaiting doom. At least I would be hygienic for my demon's escape onto Twilight's paper.
Creaking, the stairs signalled the arrival of a load far bigger than just myself. Somehow, the stairs could register the bottled up consciousness I'd been keeping for so long, whining as I stepped off them.
To my relief, Pink was nowhere to be found. Twilight must have figured out that her presence wouldn't help, I was really beginning to hate the annoying pink pony. A piñata modelled after her would do me some good.
She sat near the couch, silently apologetic for her earlier anger. A quill and paper floating next to her, we both knew that I was about to fess up to something. But that didn't mean I couldn't put up one final barrier of paper-thin resistance during it.
"Ready for more questions, Max?" She asked quietly, her voice barely piercing the tense atmosphere between us.
"I don't have a choice." In the old familiar position of lying down, I waited for the onslaught on the smooth, red couch. A few seconds of stillness went by, trying to find the right words to say.
"Are all humans unique? Can they be categorized into different races?"
She was just full of surprises. I went along with it, pro-longing the delicate cutting of my mental character.
"Yeah, and there's a lot more races than just unicorns, normal or flying ponies."
"You mean earth ponies and pegasi?"
"Our planet's called Earth," I digressed. Thinking about it, it was a dull choice for a name. "But yeah, those. A lot of it's based on skin colour, but we don't have the variety of colours you do. The majority boils down to white, black and brown."
She noted down something, and I hoped I didn't miss out any crucial points.
"Interesting... I noticed you don't have a mane, or hair, on your head too. Is that common?"
"Nope... just... made another necessary, stupid choice. There's a lot of hairstyles though. Again, not as many varieties in colour."
From the outside looking in we seemed like quite a mundane race. No one dared break the social barriers lest they be named weird or be claiming to make a statement of some kind. In Equestria the amount of colours could be interpreted to represent the freedom and acceptance of everything, I doubted race-hate even existed. Earth ponies did look incredibly under-advantaged though.
"I'm almost afraid to ask but... what's the human diet like?" Now it sounded like she expected us all to be this aggressive, and with no one else here, I didn't have a chance in hell of convincing her otherwise.
"It's... what's the word... omnivorous. Some people are vegetarians, or vegans, but many of us eat meat."
I turned my head to see her expression as she wrote. She didn't look scared, or angry, just disappointed.
"I thought it might be... you don't... eat pony... do you?"
I was certain that was an option back on Earth, but it was best that I denied any knowledge.
"No, I don't think so."
While she appeared to shudder, I think that put her slightly at ease.
"Let's go on to something nicer... anything about the governments on Earth?"
"There's a lot," Was the dumbest, simplest answer I could form. "I don't think there's many monarchies anymore. It's more democracies, republics and dictatorships. I'm guessing Earth is a hell of a lot more bigger than Equestria too, as well as advanced, I haven't heard of anything about states aside from Canterlot. On Earth you can't go a second without learning who's having the biggest debate."
Could that be something I missed? Learning that some people were worse off than me, in an attempt to be grateful for what I had?
No.
"Think of all that knowledge that could be shared by neighbouring countries..." She scribbled eagerly onto the paper, that investigative passion returning as I gave her a topic less harmful. "Wait, advanced howso?"
"Technology. I noticed there isn't a way to Canterlot beside drawn carriage or train? Must take a while. If I had a car I could be up that hill in ten minutes." I was quite enjoying bragging about our technological accomplishments, even if I didn't know the ins and outs of a car.
"Car?"
"Yeah, it's like a... carriage that'll pull itself. Runs on an engine and fossil fuels."
"I think I saw something like that with Flim and Flam..." She said to herself. "This is amazing, how fast could human ones go?"
"Well, we measure them in miles an hour, if that's any indication. Some cars go from zero miles an hour to sixty in about two and a half seconds."
"Wow... that... is... fast."
"You should get a load of our jets then, they can break the sound barrier."
"Oh, Rainbow Dash can do that."
Way to rain on my parade, Twilight. I found it hard to believe a pony could do that. Unless this whole 'magic' thing got in the way, I was sure it was impossible.
"Oh well, can't win 'em all."
She apparently had a lot to write down after that detail, the stream of conversation ending for a while. It looked as though my one chance to redeem our species would be to mention our technological marvels, none of which I contributed to. Unless you count the mass-produced collection of pistol bullets that sold out when I was in town, I wasn't one for helping the economy either.
"Max? Do you think we can talk about your partner now?" She asked softly.
There it was, what all this came down to. Constant replaying of the day in my mind was one thing, actually repeating it aloud with someone else was another.
"I would prefer not."
"Max, clearly whatever happened has had a major effect on you. You're never going to make any progress bottling it up and keeping it secret." It wasn't the sound of annoyed, accusing words coming from her, it was sympathy. "I want to help you, Pinkie was right, you need to let me be your friend."
"I don't need any god-damn friends."
"You do, Max. Painkillers can't replace actual people who will support you." She levitated the bottle to her side, momentarily reading the label before removing it from sight.
"They do a damn good job of trying."
"So am I. You just need to let me."
"I know for a fact you'd regret asking."
"We won't know until you tell me."
I let out a sigh that must have been building up for a decade. That immeasurable feeling of inadequacy that grew through the years, spreading like a virus throughout me and afflicting everything, mental and physical. It took the fight out of me when all I could do was fight, desperately seeking to render me obsolete. Let's see if I'd choke.
"It was more than ten years ago. I was a cop living the American dream." I didn't care if she had no idea what that was, she's stuck with my dusty inner-monologues now. "I had a wife, Michelle. And a six-month-old daughter, Rose."
It hurt saying their names, especially knowing all that followed was pain, in both a metaphysical and physical sense.
"I came back home one day after work, and found we were being raided by someone. Drug symbols sprayed on the wall, I could guess what they were under the influence of. I remember the phone rang, someone wanted me to confirm if it was my house. When I did, and before I could call for help, they hung up."
Just the prologue of things to come in a twisted conspiracy.
"Hearing my wife and child screaming, I ran upstairs. One of the attackers tried to stop me reaching them. I shot him in the neck."
The gurgling, spluttering laughter, he barely felt it, didn't he?
I remember my house feeling like a maze, only the fear driving me. The couch I was currently lying on was binding me, it wouldn't let me go. I forcefully sat up, feeling trapped down there. The room was suffocating, halting my attempts at moving. I needed to help her.
No, I was just the victim of my own mind. Nothing different there.
"Max! Are you okay?" Twilight asked, alarmed as I breathed heavily. I was stuck staring at a wall, I couldn't turn to face her.
"Yeah... yeah."
"Just go slow."
That was the last thing I could do. Just as it was back then, the more I paused, the deeper the sting and greater the concern.
"I reached the bathroom, and my daughter's cries were silenced with the echoing of repeated gunshots." I fell back into the couch. It could strangle and smother me all it wanted to now. What kind of fucking threat does a six-month old baby pose?
Twilight wanted to interrupt, to try and offer some hollow words of sorrow and apology, but the best was yet to come.
"They blocked the quick entrance to the bedroom where my wife was wailing in agony, right next to our child. I had to go around, just in time to hear the rest of the bullet clip empty into her."
I stopped, but it wasn't over. I was motionless, staring at the floor. Turning my head to Twilight, my lips pleaded but my voice couldn't carry. 'Painkillers'. She shook her head. It was worth a try.
"Another goon popped out, shot me in the leg. I didn't feel anything though. He was dead pretty fast. I don't know where the bullet came to stop. By then I was already in the bedroom. Before I could take a look at either body, the final junkie tried his shotgun out. I remember him saying, 'the flesh of fallen angels'. I hoped his death was slow, but I can't remember."
The last images were now plastered in my mind, everything I lived for but couldn't die for.
"The cot was overturned, a small bundle of blood streaming from the mess of small, stained woolly clothing. And, on the bed, there she was. My fallen angel. Riddled with bullets. The last thing I remember is crying to her corpse as the cops arrived, her body hanging limp and lifeless in my arms."
And it was out in the open. Somebody finally listened. It felt just as bad coming out as it did being accepted, like fire trapped inside me, constantly being doused by gasoline. Did it feel good to 'get it off my chest'? I wasn't noticing many changes. The event was a cancer, it would never be permanently erased from my mind.
"M-Max, I'm... I'm so s-..." Twilight was tearing up, I guess this type of thing wasn't even heard of in horror stories. It was possibly the most gruesome story to ever be heard in Equestria. Holding my head in my hands, it seemed to bring on some kind of migraine, but I went partially numb in almost every section of my body.
"I told you you'd regret it."
It was night-time now, the treehouse devoid of noise and full of depression. I think, more than anything, it was finally pushing me to explain it that hurt her the most. Her curiosity got the better of her, and now she was paying with but a fraction of my guilt. Maybe it would be better for me in the long run, I had no idea.
Afterwards, we tried to go back to normal questions, but the warhead was still radioactive, it's cloud hanging over us and plaguing the remaining interactions together. I studied a few of her books, Spike came in and out, something about gem hunting, and she compiled a bunch of reports to get sent off.
Some of them must have been about me, but whether she chose to inform the princess of my story, I didn't know. Or care, really. I still had that habit.
She emerged from the kitchen, yawning as I sat on the couch. I sat in the darkness, the only source of illumination being from the kitchen.
"Max... sorry about that again. I just... had no idea it would be that rough."
"It's fine. Thanks for... listening, I guess."
"It's what friends do."
"Yeah..." I didn't resist that one, I didn't have it in me.
"Night," She said as she climbed up the stairs.
"See ya," I ended pathetically.
Left alone in the dark, I sat up for a while, unwavering to my own tiredness. It had been a long, long day. Taught some school-kids how much of an idiot I am, protected the second most infuriating pony I had come across, went on a shopping spree and stole some of Twilight's faith in humanity. Without seeing an explosion, this was a productive day.
I lay down, wondering what Michelle might think of all this. Probably to man up and punch that pink pony in the face. Or that was my own consciousness. Either way, it was on the agenda.
Huh, her name didn't hurt anymore.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
"Max... what's it like to... kill someone?" Twilight asked, chewing her sandwich quietly.
"That's a fine good morning."
She moved further into the living room where I lay, staring at the roof from the couch-bed. The previous night passed quickly, and emptily- my mind seemed to be vacant of anything for now. Presently, it was nine o'clock, I reached my hand over the side of the chair and took another hay fry. It was a dull morning.
"Sorry, it's just... I was thinking about it a lot. I don't know anypony that would have the strength to end another's life."
"There's a saying about how killing people never getting any easier. Well, it's a complete lie. I've lost track of how many lives I've destroyed."
"Don't you ever feel remorse?"
"I... don't know. Guess I've always been wrapped up in how they've took everything from me that I don't care much about the other way around. But those I've killed... the way I figure it, they already chose their fate."
"Have you ever killed someone who didn't deserve it? Someone who wasn't bad?"
As far as Twilight was concerned, I just continued to fight crime after my wife's death like some drunken superman that failed to find his apartment keys regularly. She didn't know about my fruitless quests for revenge that lead to even more unnecessary deaths of beloved friends and foes alike. Mona and Lupino, Winterson and Vlad.
"Yeah. But I kid myself by saying they were inevitable."
"Sounds like you have regrets."
"Yeah, my entire life."
"It wasn't your fault, you couldn't of saved her," She gently continued.
"If my ass was in gear ten seconds earlier I would have." Going into my jacket draped over the arm of the chair, I pulled out the bottle of painkillers. I could feel the purple pony's glare in the back of my head as I swallowed another.
"Our actions and events define us. In one way, if it didn't happen, you wouldn't be the same person." She was clinging on to a bare argument for trying to convince me otherwise of my guilt, I had spent my life doing the opposite.
"You mean I could have been a good person? Huh."
"You are a good person! I've met so many ponies... and griffons... that are meaner than you!"
"I'm pretty sure they aren't running out of closet space for all the skeletons though."
It looked like, for now, I'd won. She had ran out of counter-arguments. It was a bitter victory. She faded back into the kitchen tiredly, and I went back to staring at the mundanely brown patterns in the ceiling.
I didn't have much of a plan for the day, if you could class my previous two days as being prepared for anything. I'd be content with eating hay fries all day like the slob I was. It might be nice to see if I could revisit my lost drunken self with some cider, but that would mean standing up.
Either way, it seemed like a comfortably miserable morning.
So of course, that was when everything went to shit.
Part of the library wall was levelled as the crashing noise caught up. Neath a pile of rubble was the rainbow pony and Fluttershy, on the verge of unconsciousness from the thunderous collision. Twilight came racing back in to the room to see them, while front door opened to reveal Rarity, the country pony and Pink. All the while I just sat eating like it was a TV show.
"You know, you could have just used the door, Rainbow," Rarity said, beginning to clear the dust to one side.
"No... time..." Rainbow said hoarsely, struggling to lift a hoof.
"Well, ya didn't have to drag Fluttershy with ya. She looked fine enough to use the door," The orange pony said, letting in Pink before closing the door.
"... No... time..." She finished faintly before holding up a newspaper.
"What the hay is going on!?" Twilight asked with a mix of anger and confusion. Something told me this wasn't the first time they used her wall as an impromptu entrance.
"We may have a... slight problem... concerning Max," Rarity said, and now I was interested, sitting up. I still had my bowl of fries though, the fact that I was involved didn't make the drama any less appealing.
"Maybe just a teensy-weensy-wittle-everypony-in-Canterlot-knows-problem!" Pink said jovially despite the circumstances.
I saw Twilight suddenly stricken with alarm, snatching the newspaper from Rainbow's limp hoof and getting to work scanning it's contents. The others cringed as she read out the headline.
"A 'Great and Powerful' anonymous source reports that suspicions over whether or not Ponyville are harbouring a mythical creature known as a 'human' to be true, the Canterlot Times can confirm. Enclosed are photographs of the creature, seen socialising and living amongst the small town's residents, courtesy of this same source."
While Twilight continued reading, I stood up and walked behind her, eager to get a look at the photos. I wanted to see if they got my good side, or if I had one. There was one from afar where I was talking to Fluttershy after moving Trixie's caravan. Both from behind and the front, it was clear I wasn't a pony. You could even see the details of my face that screamed at me to take another pill.
So this is the third country I've had the honour of being in the headlines with. At least it wasn't talking about a maniacal killing spree.
After viewing the images I went back to my seat, I was strangely nonchalant about the whole thing. I guess I knew it was bound to happen, but it still didn't mean I liked the nation's attention.
"...How-... How did they get these?" Twilight said, distraught. She did look the type to have a tendency to overreact, I doubted this would be good for her.
"I've got a pretty good idea of who the source is," I said, "But it doesn't matter now." I was more concerned with how they were going to pull me out of this. Not that I was eager to help chip in to the idea box.
"Did... did I get you in trouble?" Fluttershy asked timidly, a flutter of her wings blowing away the dust still coating her. "I'm sorry."
"So... we messed up. Big time," Rainbow Dash admitted, leading Applejack to start motions of silencing her. A strand of hair shot out from the side of Twilight's mane, and she dropped the paper abruptly.
The room was stricken with a deathly silence, each individual considering the ramifications of what had happened. I didn't know anything about what Celestia was like, this could completely blow her fuse or pass by her unfazed. Sure, I was an important discovery, but even with my past, I was pretty sure I couldn't take down Equestria. I was sure they were just testing to see if I could meld into society.
By the sounds of nothing, I guessed the room was void of plans. What we had to plan against, however, only came rumbling in the wind and through the broken wall. The echoes of charging hooves rose, an ominous warning of things to come as each thump made yet another exclamation point to what had gone wrong.
Before even checking outside, I, at least, knew this would be reporters from Canterlot. They displayed their enthusiasm well during my lengthy teaching career. Now what was to stop them once they had proof? I sat up, able to get a view through the windows, while the ponies found their way to various spots that allowed them to as well.
The royal guards didn't have a chance at stopping this. I've seen mobs before, usually angry ones with weapons, but this was something else. I assumed it was every single news team in Canterlot out there, tripping over each other for a chance at getting an interview or closer snapshot of the mysterious being.
As flattered as I guess I should have been, I was more concerned with barricading the windows and living out the rest of my life in a wardrobe. I stood up, and immediately began preparations for just that. I couldn't have been the only one with a cool head, I hoped someone would follow suit soon.
"Come on, come on, get away from the windows," I said, pushing them away from their locked stares. Pushing the couch, I fixed it in position behind the door.
"There's a lot..." Twilight said absent-mindedly.
"I saw. And unless you want them barging in here, I'd help."
"He's right, Twi. At least till we can figure out what to do," Applejack said. She definitely possessed leadership qualities, which was a plus: under my command we might turn out begging that I never came here. "Rainbow, Fluttershy," She called, grabbing the former's attention but left searching for the latter.
"Erm, where's Fluttershy?" The orange pony was left wondering, scanning the room until her eyes landed upon a lampshade with a strange yellow-looking bulb. The lamp also appeared to have streams of pink hair falling from it, a quiet whimper murmuring as Applejack stepped closer.
I could tell this too was probably a regular occurrence.
"Fluttershy, ah need you now. Max especially," She started, holding a hoof on the lampshade that she was bunched up inside. "It's not you they're after, remember?"
"Y-yes, but..." Before she could argue back, gravity took its toll and pulled her to the ground, still curled up like a frightened puppy. Applejack offered a hoof up, and the pegasus reluctantly accepted. "Um...o-okay..."
"Thatta girl! Now, you two need to fix that big hole you left," She said, pointing to their impact point in the wall. "Else them pegasi of the group'll be swarmin' in here like termites to a gazebo."
"How're we supposed to do that?" Rainbow Dash complained.
"I dunno... pick up the debris an' Twilight could stick in the gaps?" Applejack wondered, turning to Twilight.
"My horn isn't a glue gun," She said straight-faced. So they did have guns... kind of. "Fine. I can," She admitted, and the trio got to work. Meanwhile, Pink and Rarity waited patiently for their jobs. Well, Rarity did.
"What can I do?! What can I do?!" Pink asked repeatedly, bouncing around eagerly like this was a game.
"Guard the second floor windows, make sure nopony tries to sneak in."
I liked that plan. Out of sight, out of mind. The pressure was building as the journalists assaulted further, and I ducked out of the way of the windows before catching a glimpse of a guard being thrown aside.
Finally, Applejack came to address the design pony. "Rarity... close the curtains."
"Hmph, I'm glad my set of skills could be of such value to you."
"Well, we got nothin' else to do. I don't know what else to say, you coulda barricaded us up some more!"
"Well, aside from ordering everypony around, I haven't seen you contribute to our effort."
"Is now really the time?" I said, learning more about these character's personalities every moment.
"...I suppose not. I'll see if I can support the defenses too." Rarity finished.
Without the couch, I was forced to lean on one of Twilight's desk and 'oversee' the operation. As I did, I saw Spike wander down the stairs tiredly.
"Hey Twilight, y'know Pinkie's up here, right?" He asked halfway up the stairs, ignoring the rest of the ponies that were altering her house.
"Yes, Spike," Twilight said, concentrating on sewing the pieces of the wall back together. That seemed more like Rarity's niche, but she was too busy deciding the colour of the curtains to shield us with.
"Alright. Just checking." And with that, he went back upstairs, either oblivious or uncaring to the situation. Can't blame him, were I not the centre of it all I might be asleep right now.
They had arrived. The pounding on the door and clamouring of voices on the doorstep had signalled that. Shadows of their bodies seeped in through the beige curtains, frantically circling the tree and looking for answers. For once, answers I had, but I, also in a bizarre twist, was not allowed to share.
The rebuilt wall was cracked and visibly damaged, but it wasn't a clear entrance, at least not from the inside. The front door was barricaded with my bed, a lamp and a nightstand. Would they really be willing to go as far as forced entry anyway? In large numbers, it wasn't as if they could all be prosecuted.
The knocking was unrelenting, almost as if they were taking it in turns. They might even be asking questions or calling out for Twilight, but the general cacophony made everything unintelligible. The buzz of voices was annoying, but favourable over the usual machine gun fire.
Our improvised fortification had bought us time, at least until they decided to just smash a window, leaving the ponies staring questioningly at each other.
"So what're we supposed to do now?" Rainbow Dash wondered, I thought she didn't look the type to have a degree of patience.
"Ask them politely to leave?" Fluttershy suggested. At least she was making an effort, it was more than could be said for me.
"Shouldn't the royal guard be down here? Stopping this?" Rarity asked.
"There's almost more ponies at Twi's door than there are stationed in Canterlot!" Applejack said, looking tempted to peek through the window.
"Oh, the princess is going to be furious..." Twilight said to herself.
"Twilight, you know every time you say that, it never ends up actually happening, right?" Applejack, the voice of reason, informed.
"Yes, but-..." She tried to argue back, but Applejack was quick to try and cease her fruitless worries.
"So stop complaining and concentrate on how to fix the here and now!"
Twilight didn't bicker, just quietly accepting it and going into a state of thought. After a brief moment of contemplation, her brain apparently spewed out a half-baked idea.
"We need to get Max to Princess Celestia."
"Great idea, take him to the heart of all this news stuff!" Rainbow Dash said, sarcastically summing up the mutual feeling between them.
"Canterlot already knows! If anypony has an idea of where to go from here, it would be the princess. And if we need to, she can protect him a lot better than my library can!"
The thought of me needing protection was amusing. Although I was new to the place, I did know Canterlot was up a mountain. Fortunately, Applejack seemed to catch on to this.
"An' how exactly are we s'posed to get him past all these crowds and to Canterlot? That's a long train journey, fulla other ponies."
Resting a hoof on her chin, she found a way to amend that hastily.
"He can take my balloon! My airship!"
"Woah, woah, I've got no idea how to pilot an airship," I raised, not too eager on the idea of being hovered aimlessly in the air for hours on end.
"It's okay, Rainbow and Fluttershy can drag you along!"
I didn't have any qualms then, as long as I was spending the least amount of energy possible. Rainbow Dash shrugged, and with her at the yellow pony's side, Fluttershy seemed confident enough.
"Fair enough," Applejack admitted, "But that still don't explain how we'll get 'im past these here crowds."
Twilight was left in thought, but not so easily coming up with way out of this now. No one spoke, save for the yelling outside.
A few short seconds later, a voice sang out, "Ideaa~!" The ponies and I turned to see Rarity with a bunch of materials, spontaneously appearing out of nowhere. Magic was certainly something, a considerable force to rival lead and gunpowder.
"Pinkie!" Rarity called up the stairs, "Is it safe out the back?"
"Yep!" The chipper voice squeaked from the second floor.
"Perfect!" Rarity clapped her hooves happily and began multiple processes of fabric creation.
For a while, nobody stopped the white mare, leaving her fully drawn into her work.
"Ya gonna tell us yer plan, sugarcube?" Applejack supplied for the rest of the group.
"Oh, right! Well, it's simple really..." She started, but interrupted herself to directly inform me, "Be a dear and stand up a bit straighter, would you, Max?"
After doing so, there was another small period of emptiness.
"Oh yes, my plan!" She noticed. "All it involves is the crafting of a disguise, and we can lure them away from the library while Max makes a getaway! I'll dress Pinkie up like Max, and she can start running for the hills!"
"Won't it be obvious it's not Max? Twilight asked skeptically.
"As long as Pinkie doesn't show the front too much, they'll never catch on! And it isn't as if they shall know what to expect from him, all they've seen are photographs."
"Better than nothing," I said, and my contribution was complete.
"Hey Twilight," Rainbow said, "How're we going to set up the balloon? Unless you installed a opening roof we don't know about..."
"...Hmm... you'll have to do it yourselves outside. After getting away from the library, of course. You can sneak out through the upstairs window." She must have sensed my lack of understanding of how these balloons work, and the other two pegai's, as she instantly supplied us with, "You just have to press the red button in the basket."
"Rainbow, Fluttershy, you two should fly it to the hospital, Max can make a run for there while you get it set up."
"Finished!" Rarity said, ironing out the creases with her hooves before laying it straight on the floor.
I make a good scarecrow. The face was a bit pale, but I was bald in all the right spots. Jacketed and fully clothed, she even managed to hammer in the 'pissed off' look. The fingers were floppy and lifeless sacks, with empty legs and feet-less ankles. Hopefully the pants would cover the pink hooves that would protrude from there.
All that was left was for Pink to learn how to run on two legs and somehow get inside it. Unzipping the chest, Rarity showed exactly how that was possible. After Rarity called upstairs for her, Pink came rushing down to see her friends, and her new fate.
"Max doesn't look too good..." Pink said, staring at my carcass on the floor.
"Well, you're going to bring him back to life Pinkie," Rarity said, propping up the costume and showing her the opening.
"I get to play dress-up as Max?! Can he play as me? This'll be great!"
"No Pinkie," Twilight said seriously, "It's your job to distract everypony outside while Max makes a break for it."
"I still get to dress like Max though?"
"Yes."
"Yipee!" She bounded into the costume, and immediately took shape, filling in the empty limbs with her own. Standing with ease, she was effortlessly walking around already. Her wide eyes filled in the gaps, creating a pretty terrifying image.
She began with a gruff, dry imitation of my voice, "Look at me, I'm Max, I sure do like... um... not making any friends!"
Well that was me down to a 'T'. I was used to wanting to punch myself, but this was something different. A reflection of myself as a jester just felt mocking, a cruel jeer to any and all who have had the misfortune of coming into contact with me.
"Okay Pinkie, you're going to have to jump out of the first floor window and try to make sure they don't catch a glimpse of your face," Said Twilight.
Saluting, she did a few stretches surprisingly well considering she wasn't designed to be bipedal. Then, all of a sudden, she darted up the stairs, anxious to get the plan in motion. Of course, stairs were different to flat ground, and she fell at the first hurdle on to her face. My face.
Instead, she opted to crawl up the stairs like a slug as we made the final preparations. Seeing myself do that was creepy. Grinding against the wood as she escalated, that would be another frightening image for the nightmares.
"Here's the balloon," Twilight said, handing Rainbow Dash a bundle of purple cloth alongside a large basket.
"You sure that'll support me?" I asked, looking at my flimsy vehicle.
"Eighty-four percent sure!"
Good enough. Better odds than usual anyway.
From the sound of it, Pink was upholding her end of the plan. The shadows outside faded from sight, but the voices rose in excitement before following.
"Time to shine, Max!" Rarity, said, hurrying up the stairs with the others. I followed slowly, taking my time before jumping right into the frying pan.
This would be my first dose of action in a while. It had been at least two weeks before I jumped out of anything, and probably another before I was ever forced to run. That adrenaline that fuelled my part-time jobs sure as hell better show up now.
Once I had arrived, the balloon was being funnelled through the small window of the first floor. Somehow, it had managed to squeeze through, the dry woven basket nearly breaking from the pressure.
"You ready, Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash asked, the timid yellow pony looking out fearfully below. "All we have to do is take it to the hospital and get it set up before Max gets there."
"Okay, we can do this," Fluttershy said to herself, as confident as you could call that trembling squeak.
"Good luck girls!" Twilight called as they departed through the window smoothly. While Rainbow held the basket, Fluttershy folded together the envelope and made off for the hospital.
Now it was just me, Twilight and Rarity.
"I'll inform the princess of your upcoming arrival," Twilight said, and I expected Spike would be unhappy as soon as I left, now having a job to do.
"And I'll see if I can get the earliest train for us to meet you there," The purple-maned unicorn said.
I climbed onto the window ledge, crouched and looking down below.
"We could float you down if you want," Twilight suggested.
"Nah, I've been through worse."
"I'm sure you have. And I'm sure I don't want to know the details."
If I was going to fall flat on my face, I wanted to do it slightly sedated. Pulling the bottle of painkillers out of my pocket, I tried to take one before it, and the bottle, was snatched away by Twilight. Neither of us said anything, and I didn't look back to see her expression.
Flailing my arms mid-air, I leapt from the edge. That familiar concentration kicked in, heightening my sense and preparing me for the worst. In a move which could have broke my neck, I managed to form a roll as I hit the ground. I still got it.
Stumbling to my feet dizzily, I turned back for a final goodbye, I saw the two mares clapping at my heroic feat, impressed.
I made some unrecognisable hand signal to suffice as a wave, and sprinted in what I hoped was the direction to the hospital. The disguise wouldn't last for long, and they'd soon be back around here.
The trees made way for me, their colours swirling into a mesh of green as I dashed over the greenery. Out of the way of major roads, there was a lot of small rocks ambitious to have a laugh at my grass-stained face. Without a threat for me to react to, they almost got just that.
My timings were far from perfect, they barely kept me stable as I hopped the ditches rather than sidestep them. Despite everything looking them same in Ponyville, I could still tell I was on track to the doctor's.
Things were going well, which meant I had to prepare for the worst. That prep time didn't last long, as looking to the side, I saw a news carriage and its team. Spotting me, they wasted no time in alerting the rest of the horde to my location.
Now was where the chase began.
Suddenly, every move felt more crucial, an essential task for success. Knowing that there was an active threat hunting me, I sped up unknowingly, a conditioned reaction I had built up after so many years mixed with the adrenaline that was untainted by prescription drugs.
So far, there were no pegasus among them, their speed would be unmatched. The ground fell casually at my feet, feeling like another acre of territory had been claimed by my presence. It was relieving to know that bullets weren't biting me in the ass.
I had to wonder what exactly they would do if they did catch up. Being a completely different species, would assault charges count? Animal cruelty, maybe. I didn't want to risk them catching me and my automatic response being to kick someone in the head. So I was running for their safety, not mine.
Apparently, I was a lot faster than I thought, and after cutting in and out of the many homes laying around, I had lost them. A fleeting pit-stop behind what smelt like a bakery, I took inventory.
Just as well, along with my lungs, I could feel my ribs expanding, a burning sensation running through my body. I almost longed for the sting of a regular bullet, something to tell me that my pain was artificial, not a process of my own deterioration. I was doing better than expected though, without a sprain, tumble or death, I was on track.
I went at more of a jog now, but still wary of my surroundings. To think this is what I've abruptly become challenged by, not a corrupt law or mob, but journalists. Clawing my way away from ponies who just want to talk to me. It looked like my hectic life was finally taking a breather, so I was anxious to see when I'd be submerged once again. What despairing problems could await me?
Of course, 'despair' in Equestria meant running out of flour, or having a stray tree appear out of place along with the unblemished gardens. I didn't think I'd be able to take trials like that seriously, and I didn't know how they could. But, maybe there was more to this place than met the scarred and weathered eye.
I saw a purple inflated balloon, and recognised the two ponies next to it, waiting for the man of the hour. Easing into a stroll, I regarded the miniature air balloon. There was no way in hell it'd be able to hold two of me, even one could be seen as pushing the limit.
It also came to my attention that I had no idea how it was powered. There didn't seem to be a flame rising into it, no propellers either, just a basket, some rope and a balloon. I guess that's why I had these pegasus.
I contemplated leaving my jacket on the ground, the sweat beginning to distract me, but I wasn't about to make some lucky fortune-hunter bag some perspiry evidence.
"Finally, we've had this thing set up for ages now!" Rainbow Dash grumbled, antsy to leave.
"Just get ready to pull," I said, vaulting the confined basket and holding on to the sides.
Each grabbing a piece of the rope, the two pegasi shot upwards when they were able, only to be yanked backwards slightly.
"Gonna be harder than you thought," I jived, deflecting any comments about my weight. I knew it would, and it did, make her determined to pull harder. I was off the ground, but I could ran faster than this. Rainbow was doing the head work, while Fluttershy kept it balanced and going.
As long as we got the momentum and altitude up and in the right direction, it'd be smooth flying. If there was some way to help, I wasn't very keen on finding out.
She flew diagonally upwards, and I realised how safety-less this flight was. It wasn't smart to be poking death with a stick after I had shown him up in front of all his friends. And if I kept to the track I used to be on, war and pestilence would be owing me money.
Did I consider my killing-spree part of a bygone life? It felt like a vital part of my survival, having to fight for it. It wouldn't be easy to get accustomed to not cleaning a gun every morning, or differentiating twelve gauge shells from cereal.
The wind resistance, although annoying for me, didn't prove a problem for them. We were gaining speed and coming up to Canterlot's level, the fancy spires becoming more detailed and menacing. As menacing as it could be anyway, I'd still deem it something from a girl's story book.
The wind shifted, now helping us on our journey upwards, until we were towering above Canterlot not long later. Golden-stripped monoliths stood omnipotently above the streets, where they dissected into lines of shops, restaurants and mansions. It was a shinier, bigger Ponyville.
The biggest, shiniest spire indicated the castle below, and we made a line right for it. The place oozed upper-class expensiveness, there was gold everywhere. Dotted around it were other blobs of gold, what I assumed were guards. Was I going to be a problem for them? Twilight should have put a word through, but it might not stop them from being terrified of my existence.
Looking back to see Ponyville, it's only time-consuming effort was getting up the mountain, otherwise, it was relatively close. I spotted something else in the distance though, a persevering group of reporters in their very own air balloon. Flanked either side by two pegasi, they were gaining on us. Within the next thirty seconds, they could probably drag back our balloon for an exclusive interview mid-air.
"Behind us!" I called out, making Rainbow turn her head as she carried on flying. She spotted them, and then made Fluttershy investigate too.
"Ponyfeathers," She said to herself.
"What do we do?" Fluttershy asked fearfully.
"There's no way they're faster than me, I'll just go over there and pull them away. Easy," She managed to reply fluently with a mouthful of rope.
Before anyone could argue against it, Rainbow took off in the opposite direction, leaving Fluttershy in charge of piloting. I noticed a sudden drop in speed, and more than anything, I think it was the momentum carrying me.
We came into the palace courtyard, guards and visitors alike staring at the new arrival in the sky. I couldn't do much to conceal my identity, there was nowhere to hide. Passing over gleaming gates, they weren't prepared for an air 'attack'. I swore I heard someone shout for me to halt, but it wasn't like I was in control.
Here would be a good spot to touch down, that is, if Fluttershy had the strength to. Hoping to see Rainbow Dash return soon, I turned to see her still confronting them. Even if I couldn't make out the details, she looked aggressive, bolting around them and trying to get them away from the rope.
Now trying to slow it down, Fluttershy sped the other way, pulling it back and to the ground. The momentum was too much for her though, and I was left passing over the roof of Canterlot castle. We weren't far from the roof, and in the center of it I saw an opened glass window.
The large part of myself that just didn't care about what happened took over, and I impulsively jumped for the glass skylight. I could call it a bit of fun, or a suicidal tendency, but either way I couldn't stop myself as Fluttershy cried out to me in fright.
Hitting my ass off the side it, I was significantly slowed, but broke some glass on the way down and continued falling in the palace. I landed in the center of the room on my side, surrounded by polished pillars and stained glass windows.
The pattering of glass sounded around me, and I groaned as my bones burnt.
Pushing myself up on the red carpet I was laying beaten on, I saw the princess stare at me, a hoof covering her mouth. To her side was another pony, but with both a horn and wings like her. There was a squad of guards closing on me, and I hoped a doctor to pull the shards of glass out my aching ass.
There I was, a small-scale Hindenburg disaster without the flames, torn airship and death. A foolish move for a more foolish person. It was still worth it, I was breaking the dusty fun barrier.
"I see why thou woketh me up for this..."
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
"Max, that was certainly... something," Celestia said as she came down the stairs, the dark pony to her side.
I was leaning against an immaculate pillar, near the centre of the room and on top of the trailing red carpet that lead up the stairs. I had been helped up, but that was about it. I doubted anyone wanted to go near my partially bleeding backside, with their lack of knowledge on human anatomy, for all they knew my pants were inhabited by a swarm of insect life. I couldn't rule it out.
There were guards dotting the perimeter, staring and not staring at the new arrival who just made a complete fool of himself.
"Was it necessary to destroy the sky-roof?" The mare with a gothic-like flowing mane said, to which Celestia amended her sentence, whispering in her ear. "'Sky-light', we mean."
"Not really," I answered simply, and honestly.
She stared at me, annoyed as they trotted ever-closer. There was something about me she hated, but I had become accustomed to people doing that. Meanwhile, Celestia looked at me both emptily and apologetically.
She knew. Twilight had told her.
"Twilight informed us of your arrival... but we hadn't quite expected this," The white princess said.
"You seen the news? There's a lot of reporters out there. Most of which don't seem to mind stepping on royal toes," I said, only then realising they didn't have toes.
"It is frantic out there, as Twilight has said. Forgive me, I have yet to introduce my sister and co-ruler of Equestria, Luna."
Now next to me, I saw how I almost matched their size. Almost. Luna looked skeptically at me and I looked half-heartedly at her. I wasn't sure what she had against me, but I was glad not everyone was sunshine and roses about it.
"You are the human we have heard so much about."
"Yep."
"Pray tell, do you like Equestria?"
Saying I had to think about that question would be a lie. While I often had the pessimistic attitude to any and all developments in my life, that was back when I was Max Payne, ex-cop, vigilante and bodyguard. Now I was Max The Human. It was a far more significant title, one that came with a degree of respect and offers of support.
"Yeah."
"I am pleased, for that at least. However, I must admit that I am not impressed by the new immigration policies my sister has put forth. For that is unfortunately all I see you as."
It was better than being known as a murderer, drug-abuser and death incarnate with a strong liking to hard alcohol.
She went on, Celestia seemingly wanting to interrupt, but letting Luna get whatever this was out in the air, so their may be no animosity between us. Unfortunately for her, I was a bit of an asshole.
"That a bad thing?" She ignored it.
"In the old world, it was a privilege of being granted asylum in Equestria. We were not so lenient on newcomers. They had to prove themselves. Frankly, you do not seem all that capable. No horn, wings or muscle. Intelligence may be the one thing that I see fitting for your stay."
"I just fell through a glass roof, I think that says enough about my intelligence."
"Hm, so does humour," She added impassively.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy entered behind us, wordlessly letting the princess continue. I figured they fought off, or avoided the reporters and was allowed access. That meant there'd be a hell of a lot outside, waiting.
"Would you go back if you had the chance?"
"I don't have the chance, do I?"
"No," Celestia stated plainly from behind her sister. "I had my doubts from the very start, but now I am certain. Nowhere is it written that anypony would be able to transport to other universes. Not only would any attempt be a blind stab in the dark, but it would probably leave you floating in space."
She wasn't telling me anything I already knew. Something told me, even if this world of strange possibilities, that a return trip was unlikely. I hadn't even paid for a ticket, why would I get a freebie back home? They looked at me sympathetically, trying to gauge my reaction.
I didn't care, I had and always will have nothing to lose. A blessing and a curse of staying alive.
"No. I wouldn't. You could say I didn't have much going for me back home."
"A reject in your own world, too?" Luna jeered. If only she was verbally assaulting me with something that wasn't true.
"Well, in about three separate states, yeah."
"Any particular reason?"
"I guess they just didn't like my face." She knew I was hiding something, and the bit of anger forming in her lip was enough to amuse me.
"Understandable," She said snarkily. "But you had better be accustomed to honesty from now on. I am certain Applejack can teach you that."
"How about, instead, you all better get used to minding your own business?"
"The right to your privacy has all but been relinquished since your arrival. Your business is our business." She said with a damnable smile.
Everyone was so damn nice all the time, it must have been enjoyable to take out that pent up aggression on the oblivious newcomer. Whereas I could even see resemblance in Celestia to the 'normal' ponies, her sister was different, emotionally at least. She must of thought I feared her authority and the decree that I was never to see another bit of privacy again, and it looked like nobody would defend me, except Celestia.
"Luna, stop," Celestia said in low tones.
She didn't look back at her sister. "Very well, but we are simply stating that there will be continued investigations. You are quite the abnormality."
"Gee, thanks," I murmured.
She softened after this. I didn't know whether it was due to her sister, or my reserved responses.
"What would you say about the ponies here?" Luna asked.
I'd like to say a lot like humans, but I doubted Pink farmed organs and sold them, or Twilight ran a corrupt political campaign. Fluttershy could have been a quiet psychopath though.
"Supportive," I summed up in one word. "Never would have I of thought I'd be smothered by so much unwanted support."
"A side effect of being civil, I'm afraid," She commented sarcastically, but not in an attempt of offending or insulting me, more in the purpose of comedy. She smiled along with it. Already, the one opponent I had in this world seemed accepting of my presence.
I should have been thankful, but I suppose I rather missed some of my enemies, keeping me focused and on a straight path of objective murder. Now that they were gone, it was like having the stabilisers taken off my bike, leaving me swerving into bins and neighbour's gardens.
"So, where do you go from here, human?" She asked, relaxing her stance of authority.
"You tell me. I'm the fresh-off-the-boat immigrant here, remember?"
She scanned me one last time, circling the unassuming prey, but smirked. I heard the large doors open behind me, but didn't turn around to meet who I assumed would be Twilight and the others.
"You impress me human, I must admit," She said. "My judgement, if it counted for anything, would rule in your favour, I assure you." I noticed a bitterness in her voice, staring at a stained glass window. "I suppose this is my way of saying you pass my frivolous test. I shall take my leave now, you are free to go about your business without my hindrance." She nodded her head to me slightly, not at all as majestic as her sister, but volumes deeper in personality.
"Is that a free pass to wreck more 'sky-roofs'?"
"Stay away from the castle, and we won't have a problem. But I am sure my sister will be delighted to cover the costs of your stay, so by all means, free rein."
"Noted." I was going to smash so many sky-roofs. Celestia didn't appear affected as she watched her sister walk past her and up the stairs.
We were left in quiet save for the sounds of the ponies behind us approaching.
"If you don't mind," Celestia started. "I would like to speak with Max in private for a moment."
I turned and saw Twilight nodding slowly, before breaking off with her friends near the exit. Celestia lead me down a hall of blinding white that cut through the ground floor of the castle. There were rooms either side of the seemingly endless corridor, but we entered none of them. There were fancy portraits or bits of expensive... things, I wasn't sure what, dotting the walls.
The old-fashioned walk and talk, like we were negotiating a business deal for my life.
"I apologise for my sister... while she is slowly modernizing, I'm afraid I committed my own regrettable act a while ago that impaired her contemporary standpoint," She looked to the floor, or the left side of the hall, anywhere but my eyes as she ended wistfully.
"You... willing to share?" It was only fair, two people knew my secret, where was I supposed to stand in case of a blackmail? I needed something.
"It is not as if it is a secret... but sometimes I fear others judge me on the event, which they have every right to," She stopped, noticing she was gradually tiptoeing around the subject, and forced herself to tell me. "My sister once, under the influence of something that wasn't her..." I could relate. "...Tried to overthrow me. I banished her to the moon for a thousand years."
Damn. I now had to question who had it harder, me or Luna. My biased opinion gave me the answer, while another pressing matter popped to mind.
"Ponies live for thousands of years?"
She laughed lightly, and in a shot it was over, before continuing. "If only... no, only us royals have that 'privilege'. Some even state that we're immortal," She sighed.
"I can't imagine a worse hell." And for what felt like the first time, I spoke truthfully. Day in and day out, knowing there's no touching embrace from his bony hand, being forced to live, with only the memories of others to sustain you. It was like my worst nightmare: having nothing to live for, yet being kept alive by some kind of sick deity.
"Do human leaders not rule that long?" She asked.
"They're lucky if they get four years. As far as age, about thirty more years on me and you snuff it."
A thousand years of torture . I had some catching up to do. I can see why someone would be bitter due to that, I'd be concerned for their mental state if they weren't.
"Twilight told me about your family."
"Yeah... I guessed as much."
"I haven't the faintest idea of how to come to terms with it, let alone help you with it. Things like you described to Twilight are just simply unheard of in Equestria. And it sounds disturbingly common in your world."
"Nope. Just... me. Don't worry about help, I've had enough of that through the final droplets of a glass. You could almost say I'm over it." It would be a lie, but you could say it.
"I fail to see how one would simply be able to 'get over' something like that," She said sternly. She sure knew how to spot dishonesty. Not even a thousand years would be able to wipe a slate that dirty.
"Suppose I'm an emotionless shell then. No one's going to scold me for it."
"I can't help but notice... that sounded inadvertently aimed at myself." It only took a second to realise she was right. "Searching for a form of retribution? Twilight told me you felt guilty, like you hadn't paid the price."
We stopped and turned at the end, on the way back to the main hall. Blissful silence from both of us.
"Courageous, aren't you? Just to jump through our roof like that."
Fear is for those who have something to lose besides their life.
"I'd tell you I'll cover the costs, but I won't. I've got about ten-or-so golden coins left," I said.
"Bits."
"Huh?"
"The currency is 'bits'," She reiterated.
It wasn't quite the most important topic, but anything to kill the walk back's length. "It's simple, I'll give you that. Couldn't come up with anything better?"
"I wanted 'Cells' before Luna was banished. Luna wanted... 'Lunars'. At least mine wasn't so blatantly inclined towards myself," She thought about it fondly, my depressing aura being removed by nostalgia. "I settled for whatever the people wanted until she came back. Turns out they weren't very imaginative at the time."
Funny, if I was ever walking next to somebody who held this much power back on Earth I'd probably be restrained in a chair with a straight-jacket and mouth-guard. Though, I did half-expect the world to recognise me for vigilante escapades that didn't seep into much public focus, I wasn't as popular as I believed.
"I can offer financial support through Twilight and rights as a citizen of Equestria. From there, you choose your own path," She said abruptly.
Hooray, because governing my own actions never steered me wrong before. The price of giving freedom to an idiot psychopath. I remained indifferent.
"I would like Twilight to continue her study of you, but it is not a crucial matter and will be compiled for review periodically."
The noiselessness lasted until Celestia thought of yet another matter that needed attending to.
"I understand you have a drug problem?"
"Good thing you reminded me, it's been a while."
"I can't judge you, Max, not after your story, and I can certainly understand why painkillers may be helpful, but professional help is available. Pinkie managed to cut down her parties a day from seven to four."
I couldn't tell whether she was serious or not originally, but a character like Pink, I'm sure she was.
"Feel free to live your own life though, I am simply stating there is help. It does not feel just to order you around."
Not that I would listen, but it was a nice sentiment.
"I'll see what happens."
We reached the main hall once again, and I could hear the roaring of the journalists outside.
"I'll arrange a pegasus chariot to take you and the elements back, but it will still mean going outside into the reporter's view. At some point I shall make a public statement, hopefully simple enough to dissuade too much enthusiasm on tracking and questioning you, but I can guarantee, initially at least, they will be looking for answers."
"Might as well get it out the way now then," I said, looking at the exit.
"Very well, the chariot should arrive in the courtyard outside shortly. I wish to speak to Twilight first though."
"Anything about me?" I asked, partly between stalling for time and genuine curiosity.
"Technicalities, I'm sure they will bore you," She flashed a smile that told me it wouldn't just be technicalities, but I wouldn't exactly care either.
"I'm that transparent, huh? Fair enough." And with that, it was time to leave sanctuary. "I'll see you when I need money for drugs."
She laughed a composed, gentle laugh. "I look forward to it. Goodbye for now."
I saw Twilight and her group head for the princess as I departed, the guards pushing aside the door for me.
Outside was as bright and sunny as I had left it, with considerable more shouting. There was a large set of golden gates a fair distance away blocking off the interviewers from the courtyard, a grass and stone mix of paths and thin hills. There were regiments of guards marching to and fro, undergoing training practice, or sleeping at their post. The guards saw me exit, and in turn, the unrest outside amplify.
That was it, the grand ending to another chapter of my life. Into the swarms of paparazzi choking on breaths of excitement and shouting questions at me.
I walked closer to the gate, much to the guards' dismay as I came into hearing distance. There were a mix of logical and stupid questions. "What size shoe do you wear?" "Why are you so bald?" "Are you considering growing a moustache?" Simple, idiotic questions that would amuse the dimmer readers in their audience. I opted to ignore them as I answered some general ones.
"Why did you come to Equestria?"
"Didn't have a choice."
"Are you friends with the elements?"
Again, 'friends' was a word overused in this culture. Despite what we had been through, I wasn't looking for companionship, even if there was no invisible gun being held to the back of their heads that was a side effect of knowing me.
"Call 'em that if you want."
"Are you the seventh element of harmony?"
"No idea what that is."
The flashing of camera bulbs and ponies climbing on top of one another shook the gate, and I thought I should probably stop provoking them. I didn't. I answered in short sentence to avoid giving them the chance to twist my words.
"Is it possible to return home? If yes, are you? If no, what are your thoughts?"
"Not possible. Don't care."
Those words came even easier than I expected they would.
"What do you think of Equestria?"
"Too sunny. Otherwise, it's nice."
Could use more alcohol.
"Plans for the future?"
"Sleep."
Nothing to add on to that.
As quickly as it began, I felt that was enough, especially as the chariot had arrived, lowering carefully to the ground by two pegasus guard-ponies. Twilight approached it and waved me nearer with her friends. I wordlessly left the interrogators who, upon deciding that was all they were getting, rushed back to base by wing or carriage. It looked like reading the news tomorrow would be interesting.
The patrols relaxed, no longer having the prospect of the gate falling down on top of them and my departure imminent.
Twilight opened the chariot side-door, a gold strip for a handlebar on a white base. "The airship's going to be repaired and sent back to me, in case you were wondering." I wasn't, I barely registered that I damaged it in the first place. I assumed it was floating above the castle until some cocky guard got a bright idea to throw a spear at it.
I sat in the corner, closest to the safety-less edge. Not even a seatbelt. The others followed after, and they had the smart idea to keep Pink furthest away from me.
She and Rainbow Dash began gloating about how well they did their parts, the others following intently. I rested my head on my hand and stared over the landscape. I couldn't, or rather, didn't want to say much about the moment; it was a period of reflection, but the mirror was blanketed with dust.
I've had my moments for cheesy mental monologues, but now felt more appropriate than ever to bring up a favourite, modified for my current purpose:
The way I see it, there are two types of people: those who spend their lives trying to build a future, and those who spend their lives trying to rebuild the past. The past was present in every action, move and breath I took, but it wasn't rebuild-able anymore. I was too far gone, they were too far gone. The people who took them were dead, leaving only myself. That meant the future was the only option. You could say I was funnelled into a optimistic view, like a lab rat hunting for the cheese at the end of the maze that would turn out to be a cyanide capsule.
So that was it then, it was over, and I was at a loss. Of course, that was nothing new, but this felt different. Like every action I've ever taken had been leading up to a moment in which everything would clarify and I'd have an idea of where my life was going. Instead, destiny just left a note on my doorstep, and I was fresh out of neighbours to track it down with. I was doomed to drift endlessly in a sea of unforgotten tears and blood, with the exception of being surrounded by magic ponies. It wasn't quite the retirement plan I had in mind.
However, these circumstances, like from any human perspective, are completely new. In no way was I restricted or screwed. I had the chance to do stuff, I just needed to figure out what that stuff was. I felt a nap, a liking to cider, and some hay fries might help me on that journey.
Yes, the guilt was still there. But yes, talking about it helped. However insignificant it may have seemed, I justified my being to Twilight with that confession, and part of the grey, demoralizing world I lived in was shifted. Like a loan, sooner or later I'd guess I'd be paying tenfold for that paralysing moment of weakness where I was open to her, that's how it always works. For now though, I had countless possibilities to distract myself with exploring this new world, all I had to do was figure out which cables would hot-wire the car that took me to the many unwanted adventures.
Maybe I could stop thinking in metaphors.
View Online
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
Bonus Chapter I: Max Rediscovers Alcohol (Part 1/2)
Thirty-four days.
It had been thirty-four days since I last experienced the wondrous joys of a hangover and it's amenities such as, but not limited to: broken glass in my hand, a splitting headache and projectile vomiting. I was missing that bitter, disgusting flavour in my mouth every morning.
I was lying face down on the couch, wondering when I would be granted the luxury of actual accommodation, or at least a sleeping bag. The sun was seeping in the left side of my vision, and I heard Twilight enter the library. I decided on remaining still to enjoy a few more moments of nearly suffocating in the worn, dirty groove I had made. The knock of her hooves faded up the stairs and out of earshot.
It must have been late, the sun was strong, the crisp air circulated through the open windows and my throat felt caked with cobwebs. I really needed a drink, and, if the smell of the pillow was anything to go by, a shower. My arm came unstuck from the material as I stretched it upwards, which was odd, as this wasn't leather. Just because I wasn't drunk didn't mean I couldn't have zero coordination and a complete lack of balance though; I fell onto the unkind wood of the floor with a dull thump.
Staring at the ceiling from my helpless position on the floor, Twilight calling out to me was a welcome distraction before I could reflect on life as I knew it. I saw her purple head poking out from the stairs as she spoke.
"Oh dear, are you all-right, Max?"
There was a stabbing pain in the back of my head and I couldn't feel my left ass-cheek, but that didn't seem all that appropriate to say. I rested my hands on my chest. It almost looked like I was on the floor on purpose.
"Just waking up. You think you could drag me to the bathroom?" She had been around me long enough to realise that dignity was a luxury I collapsed onto - like a cold, wooden floor.
About twenty minutes, a refusal to pull my reeking body any further than the first step, and a shower later, I felt significantly more refreshed. Twilight informed me that it was three o'clock, subtly implied I was a lazy bum, and that she was actually leaving for Canterlot until later tonight. Something to do with Celestia and a review, she sounded excited.
While he may have been a baby dragon, Twilight still appeared to trust him with the responsibility of not misplacing the house or anything crazy. I only found out why today.
"I didn't know you had an owl." I remember seeing one at the welcome party, which felt like a millennium ago, but Twilight didn't seem like an animal person.
Twilight looked up at me as she closed her packed saddlebags, and then at the solitary, brown owl sitting on the window sill.
"Oh, yes, Owlowiscious. He comes and goes, helps me where he can, guards the house..." The owl seemed to give a slight bow, and a thought flashed by that said everything in Equestria was smarter than I was.
"Watches out for Spike?" I suggested, and the scaly dragon emerged from the kitchen with a counter-argument.
"Hey! I watch out for him !"
Twilight's rebuttal was a fast one. "That's not what it looked like when he saved you from that dragon." Spike looked at the owl and Twilight sourly, before grumbling back to the kitchen in defeat.
"The owl saved a dragon from a dragon? An actual one?" I asked, pleased Spike didn't hear the partial insult.
"And me," Twilight confirmed, smiling at Owlowiscious, and there was the proof that I was the lesser intelligence in Equestria. "Yep, but it's a long story, and my train'll be at the station in seven minutes and forty-seven seconds." She didn't even glance at the clock. "Can you find a way to keep yourself entertained for the day?"
That was dependent on the strength of the drink.
"In one of our interviews before.... you mentioned something about cider?"
And like that I was off on an adventure. Not the kind that Twilight and her friends apparently got up to, but a journey to the closest thing I had to a miserable, decrepit bar: Applejack's barn. According to Twilight, she was the only supplier of cider in Ponyville, but it's all made in a specific season. Not this one. Still, if she was my only chance for booze I wasn't about to give up just because of a mere impossibility.
Spike was interested in joining me before I left. Said something about a 'guys night out'. After I explained that he was too young and I was too old, he was content with my plan to bring him back a souvenir, whatever that would be.
It was still surprising to walk alongside ponies unconcerned by my presence. Occasionally I got a few questions about humans, myself, or my views on Equestria, but none lasted long, and my answers didn't appear to be incorrect.
As I followed the directions further, I began to relive each and every downed drink as my mouth dried out. I didn't want to get drunk, I needed to. Only this time, not because of every self-destructing bone in my body that urged me to start stumbling through a busy highway and pick fights with thugs told me to. A refreshing, recreational drunken stupor was exactly what I needed to liven life up, and at least make it look like I'm enjoying myself.
I was glad I left with just a shirt and my yet-to-be-washed pants, the sun was relentless in reminding me that Ponyville didn't have such a thing as a bleak day. As encouraging as the bird tweeting should have been, I couldn't help but feel there was a siren missing in the background, a gang of adrenaline-fused thugs who had forgotten their indoor voices, or a single bullet that silenced it all. I hoped this wasn't a symptom of being homesick - familiarity wasn't always comforting.
I saw the barn, and a hell of a long path to the actual thing. The dirt path wound up a slight slope, guarded either side by legions of apple trees. Looking past the first line of trees, another was visible. And past that, another. I wondered if any drunken escapades might lead me to get lost in there. It would be better than most places I ended up in under the influence.
Then again, Equestria was one of those.
The trees thinned out and gradually cleared for a view of further agriculture as I got closer to the red, wooden building. I saw a bulky red pony a short distance away, tilling a rich brown field with a plough three times the size of him. Far behind him, and somewhat concealed by a grassy hill, was a large silo with a big picture of a carrot on it. Apples and carrots appeared to be Ponyville's equivalent of oil and coal.
For what you'd expect, the barn was surprisingly well-kept. The red paint glimmered in the sunlight, white highlights bordered the set of double-doors and high-placed windows, and colourful plants grew from hanging pots and window sills. Hay bales sat around it and a miniature tower extended from the top. There was also another entrance around the side to a different part of the barn, cut off from the main stable.
Reaching the double doors, which were exactly my height, I had no idea if this was even the correct entrance. I knocked, received no answer, and walked in anyway. Inside was very spacious, crates of apples leant against the walls, farming equipment rested in barrels, and the floor was covered in hay, but no Applejack.
I turned around and resolved to ask the red pony for help when, apparently, he had the same idea.
"Needin' some assistance?" He asked in a very low voice, a strand of hay swirling around his mouth as he talked. He had the stature a bouncer might, crushing that little illegal tablet under his mighty hoof before kicking your sweaty ass out of the club. And I had broken into his home. The complete lack of expression on his face might have intimidated me if we were anywhere but Equestria.
"Uh, yeah. I'm looking for Applejack. I'm interested in buying," ignoring the fact that I had no money, "some cider."
"Ah reckon you've come at a bad time fer that. Cider's got a while before it's in season." He thought to himself for less than a second. "AJ might have somethin', though. It's up to her."
While I didn't understand what that meant, I did get that alcohol was a possibility. All I had to do was find Applejack. I chalked up his stoic behaviour to being a mind-reader, as he told me, "AJ'll coming back from selling apples in Ponyville soon enough."
"Alright, I'll just wait here then?" I noticed he had three white freckles either side of his face, just like Applejack, if I remembered correctly. While it did come to mind that freckles seemed like more of a human thing, so was speaking English.
"Eeyup." I thanked him, he gave a slight nod, and went back about his business. He seemed the type of person that wouldn't care even if my existence wasn't publicized to Equestria and I showed up at his doorstep.
I rested against the barn wall and watched the intense sun voice its displeasure towards me. My skin already felt too much like a leathery hide to relay a concern back. My stomach tried to get my attention. Clearly every logical part of me knew getting drunk this early, with no proper food in a while, was a bad idea. Unfortunately for those logical parts, my brain wasn't keen to be a part of their club.
I made a mental note to research local alternatives to meat, or the closest that I'd find, and pondered stealing an apple from inside the barn. Then, the stallion's impassive face flickered in my mind, and thoughts of petty criminal activities against him ceased. Equestria or not, he was bigger, stronger and younger than I was.
Time trickled by, travelling down the back of my neck in the form of a bead of sweat. The red pony coped with it fine, refusing any moments of respite. And, while it felt like a century, I saw Applejack dragging an empty, wooden wagon my way ten minutes later. She waved at the stallion and then sped up upon seeing me, the heavy wagon hardly present around her back.
"Well hey there, Max! You been waiting outside in this here heat fer me?" She asked, and I confirmed. "Mac shoulda showed you inside or sumthin'." She looked over to him, annoyed. I shrugged off his apparent crime nonchalantly, though I was eager for a drink, any, to stop the gradual dehydration I was experiencing. "Sorry bout that, Big Macintosh's mindset is that breath wasted talking is breath that coulda been spent workin', or sumthin' along those lines, so ah doubt he was up fer anything more than a greeting, if that."
She took off her hat, wiped her forehead with a hoof and fanned herself with it. "Gosh, listen to me ramblin' on to you in this swelterin' heat, though. Ah'm bettin you need a drink, huh?"
"That's what I'm here for," I said as we entered the barn and Applejack began parking the wagon in a stall, devoid of the apples she had been selling. "Twilight tells me you're the supplier of cider around here, and I'm wondering if you've got any left over from the last season or... anything really..."
Applejack's nose contorted a little as she responded. "All you gotta do is ask Twi and she'll tell ya: cider sure is popular when it's in season. Gets bought up mighty fast."
I noticed she didn't answer the question, and I grinned as her face twitched.
"So you're saying you don't have any cider at all?"
"Uh, well, ah didn't not say that... but ah'm, erm, ah'm also not confirmin'... or denying accusations which..."
"Is that a yes?" I probed, reasonably satisfied with my achievement.
She sighed. "Can ya keep a secret, Max?"
"Uhh..."
"Well, too bad. This has been buggin' me fer far too long. Being known fer honesty and then having this in the back of yer mind statin' otherwise ain't helpful, ah'll tell you that."
She led me to an average stall, brushed away a section of the hay littering the floor, and revealed a dusty trap door with a circular handle on it. Pulling it up and ushering me into the darkness, I got a vague feeling that I was about to get more than I bargained for.
A small set of creaky, wooden stairs was my only chaperone through hollow silence, save for Applejack's hooves echoing in the cold, unseen room. I let my fingers glide across an unseen wall, and the last remnant of light struggling through the trap-door's opening highlighted them, black and sooty.
I wasn't left in the dark for long.
A single, hanging light bulb stemmed from the ceiling, illuminating the room on Applejack's command. Amongst dirty, cold-looking tiles, and chalky, splintering walls, there was one other thing that stood out in an otherwise vacant room.
I knew Equestria occasionally had a cartoon-ish design to many of its wonders, but that was the biggest god-damn barrel I had ever seen.
Standing vertical and proud was Applejack's terrible secret: a giant drum of, what I assumed to be, cider. Steel rims around the top and bottom of the sturdy, wooden barrel made it look like the most modern and intact thing here. The dirty, lustreless spout at the front was made insignificant by the storage unit itself. There was the slightest gap between it and the ceiling, with its monstrous radius only allowing two sets of high-stacked crates to fit snugly either side of it.
"Hard to believe that's been sittin' under our noses, ain't it?" Applejack said, not taking her eyes off it. "Heck, ah only found out about it a little while ago... after a little cider fiasco almost cost us the farm." Looking around, she added to herself, "Woulda thought with the amount a' times the barn's been razed the ceiling'd cave in or sumthin'."
Meanwhile, I was soaking in the joy that alcohol was en route and simultaneously considering what a corrupting influence I appeared to have on the townsfolk.
"This stuff's part of the collection Granny ain't keen on us sellin'. Apparently it's a mite stronger than the average yield, an' according to Granny this stash has been family tradition fer generations. Y'know there used to be a time where cider was illegal in Ponyville?"
Tommy guns, home-made distilleries and organised crime syndicates were fixed in my mind, and I wondered if the prohibition was a universal thing.
"Anyway, that's what prompted this ol' beast. And then, when it was allowed again, my ancestors decided on keepin' her. Sentimental value more than anything else, ah guess. Though ah suppose it does give Granny that energy her pills can't, on them rare occasions."
Applejack leant her head next to the leviathan and knocked on it. "It's full to burst, y'know, we don't touch poor Betsy no more, just those crates there that Granny makes," She indicated to the side of Betsy, where the ill-looking, aged crates sat. "Only makes more when she drinks any, an' she still won't teach me or Mac how."
Applejack seemed to get the secret off her chest, at least to someone, and finally turned around to see my admiration of the oversized keg.
"You look like you done seen the inside of the Canterlot treasury, Max. Why's this that important to you?"
"Humans... we... need alcohol to function correctly..."
"Ya do?"
Well, kinda.
"No. I have no idea why I just lied. I guess I'm just trying to excuse the fact that alcohol is a part of my life as... apples are to yours."
She gave me an understanding look, and then took a crate off the stack before inspecting a bottle. Everything about the bottle was a grimy beige, down to the blank label. "Now ah'm not so educated on the matter maself, but you know there's some downsides to alcohol, right?"
"All too well."
"Just checkin'." She slid the crate between us, and I grabbed a bottle. The amount of dust made it impossible to get a grip until I wiped it on my shirt, leaving a lovely stain that once again showed my inability to do menial tasks without ending up looking like a guilty first-grader. It didn't help much either, the colour was indecipherable through the tarnished glass.
I didn't think cider was one of those drinks that aged, like wine, but I never usually had the time achieve the status of a connoisseur, just a basic-level drunk. Besides, it was fairly cold down here, and that was all the refrigeration I needed.
"Y'see now, ah don't have a problem with this, Max," Indicating to the two of us with a bottle. We both had yet to take a drink and I thought it best to wait for her permission. "Heck, iffin ah could ah'd like to get my friends to try this stuff. This'll be the first time ah've tried it."
"Granny Smith ain't against me or Mac havin' any, but she sure was quick to warn me about how addictive it is, and to keep it out of as many hooves as possible. Fortunately, you don't have hooves, so..." She smacked the bottle's cap off the side of Betsy and took a swig, I was fast as lightning to do the same.
It didn't have the backhand to the cheek most of my preferred drinks did, which actually suited me fine. It was annoying being slapped around by a drink just before something crucial in life came up, namely, a hail of bullets. It was sweet, and didn't bite in the slightest.
The bottle thinned out and thinned out, until the last of it swirled at the bottom elegantly. But it was too friendly to be alcohol, it went down too easy. I decided to ask Applejack about it.
"Affffppluh..." I stumbled, stuttered, coughed and tried again. "Ackfjaah..."
Oh. Maybe this was alcohol. I never had a problem with drunken speech usually, I was positive I was just getting used to it, though.
Applejack was snickering at my face as I struggled to comprehend how words worked. Every government-shattering, body-trailing conspiracy that had plagued me in the past was nothing compared to the mystery of vowels.
"N-No..." I managed. I wiped my face and cleared my throat. "I got this."
"You're slurring!" Applejack slurred.
"Pfff," I dismissed intelligently. "A bottle of apple juice isn't going to do that. Even if this is the best damn apple juice I've ever had."
"Ah thought you looked to be able to handle your booze, Max. Doesn't look that way," She tried to jab at any surfacing notion of masculinity I had, and it worked. Not that I was particularly upset about this bottle doing more than I could apparently handle. I just expected to have built up a bit of resilience considering that I had gin in every morning cereal. Minus the cereal.
Applejack's head was dancing in a circle, which somehow prompted a brilliant idea in mine, and just as I was about to lose myself in what I was sure was going to be an unforgettably forgettable night, someone spoke.
"Well, lookee here, it's one of them illegal aliens," An aged, female voice said. We turned and saw her, wrinkly as a drowned prune.
Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria
The endless stream of party-goers were siphoned through the library door, the event finally coming to an end. I lost track of time since I had been standing outside, but the party never let up. Occasionally, beforehand, I would check up on the festivities, only to find they were still going, unwavering to the sandman's call.
My time spent outside was well spent. A short wander from the tree allowed me to see the aspects of night-life around Ponyville. There were none. Maybe I hadn't been able to see the whole of Ponyville, but from what I could, there wasn't a trace of bars or, thankfully, discotheques. I guess this meant no stumbling back to Twilight's in a swirly haze. But, there was also a lack of screaming, midnight muggings, and, from what I could smell, crack dens were replaced by twenty four hour bakeries. Every cloud and it's silver lining.
As they attendees left, each one offered their welcomes and goodbyes to me, leaning against the tree. The endless cue finally on their way home and I could almost, hopefully, sleep. Not that I was tired just yet, but any seclusion was preferred to the endless bounty of open arms that were suffocating me in their friendliness.
The trail of ponies had finally faded into the night, going their separate ways. Twilight had exited as well, waving her five main friends off. As usual, I stayed more or less silent throughout the goodbyes, primitive hand movements sufficing enough for my communication.
"Huh," Twilight started, "I just realised that now Pinkie's left us with the clean-up job." I think I saw part of her eye twitch. "Well, that's Spike's problem now. We have work to do."
"We do?"
"Yep! No matter how determined Pinkie will be on making you enjoy your stay, it's still an assignment from the princess, and we still have to learn more about humans." Great. That's a 'no' to the rest option then.
We walked inside and over the battered remains of her library, my shoes becoming plastered with confetti. It occurred to me that I had been wearing the same shoes and socks for about a day now, I was a literal walking chemical weapon. As I, once more, struggled to find a seat on Twilight's floor, she opened a closet in the wall, and fell out was a expensive-looking red couch.
"I almost forgot about this, it'll be much more comfortable," Twilight said as she set it up along the wall.
"Since when did you have that?"
"Always. Rarity has them stashed all over Ponyville. In case of a drama emergency," She replied nonchalantly.
"Oh... right..."
"No drama emergencies in the human world?"
"None worthy of scattered accessible couches."
"Ha, well, we have quite a few daily emergencies in Ponyville. I wouldn't be surprised if something came up tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to see if Spike's asleep yet. If not, he's getting the duster."
While Twilight trotted up the stairs, parting the tides of floor confetti around her, I questioned the subject of Spike's job. I guess he neglected to take note of the word 'slave' in the job description. He didn't appear to despise life though, so I assumed it wasn't a regrettable mistake that spanned a life time, the type of which I was well aware.
I smoothed out the couch's soft velvet, and came across Twilight's pillow on the floor, accompanied by her notepad. Despite being a cop for a large chunk of my lamentable life, I still had no perception of right and wrong, so I took a quick glance at her scribbles.
What struck me more than the trivial details of being 'reserved' and 'fatigued', was a certain note.
Subject seems sensitive regarding mention of marital/relationship status.
I couldn't think. What I had hoped would be a fleeting view of that part of my life turned out to be one of the focus'. They weren't lying when they said 'study', every one of my stones were bound to be turned. Profiling me as an example for humanity was going to lead to us being the bane of the universe.
I threw it back on the pillow as I heard Twilight's hooves hitting the wooden stairs. Casually sitting on the couch, I crossed my leg over to my knee and finally laid back for what brief seconds I had. I suppose this was about to be classed as a drama emergency.
"So, are you ready to start? Spike is asleep, so, no cleaning tonight," She asked as she took a seat on the floor pillow. For a second I felt a pang of guilt, occupying the entire couch, but it soon vanished.
"If we have to."
"Yes, we do," She said eagerly, "Now, going back to your opinions on music, what is human culture like? What recreational activities are there? Same as us?" You could hear the desire to learn in her voice.
Starting off easy, I guessed. "Pretty much. Movies, theatre and art. Music and sport, all that stuff." And, saving the best for last, "Drugs and alcohol." It would keep her away from the family route.
"Do... a lot of humans use alcohol?"
"I suppose it depends on the person."
"Okay, and what about the drugs? I don't understand how or why you would use prescription drugs for recreational purposes." That was like a question aimed at my very being, the ninety percent of me that was full of the stuff cried out in anger.
"You're telling me you don't have illegal drugs in Equestria?"
"What? No! Why would we hold on to something that's illegal?" A proper law-abiding citizen.
"Because of the effects. Depressants, hallucinogens, stimulants... painkillers? You honestly don't have any of these? Illegal ones?"
"No... so... why are they illegal?"
"Because of the threat they have. One might make a man think his dog is conspiring against him, causing him to kill it. Another might downright rot away your flesh." I remember giving this same speech at a school. Hopefully I left the kids traumatised enough to stay away from them.
"That's horrible!" Twilight exclaimed, before putting a hoof to her mouth to cover any sickness. "Why do they even exist in the first place?!"
"Some of them are natural. Others, it's just about profit. I don't know, you're asking the wrong guy. I was only paid to stop it."
"Again... do a lot of humans use these?"
"The stupid ones." To further support that point, I pulled the last painkiller from my jacket pocket and swallowed it.
"Max, is that really safe for humans to have that many painkillers? I mean, I have no idea what human anatomy is like, but I know you can overdose on those!"
"Probably not."
"Then why do you keep having them?!"
"Like I said, I'm a stupid guy."
Scribbling away on her notepad, I was satisfied with my explanation. Without completely devaluing human society I managed to explain how fucked up we are. Twilight just looked concerned, for our entire species. So, I successfully established that our recreational time consists of running to the grim reaper's sharp clutches with open arms.
"Let's move away from that then... on to... crime and law. It sounds as though it's a serious problem. The worst we have are things like over-charging stalls or petty theft. But to actually create a law to protect somepony from themselves?"
"Am I to assume ponies never fight as well? That they're the epitome of peace?"
"We used to fight over land and food, but nothing serious anymore."
Seems strange to think that these ponies are more civilised than any humans. That they have actually evolved more than us.
"You're a lot smarter than us then. That still goes on. Streets and worldwide."
"Is that why you became a 'cop'?"
"Could be." And following that were years of agony and torture. Experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and losses that included my best friend, wife, daughter, boss and friendly neighbourhood Russian crime lord. Continuing on from that web of destruction was the collapse of Sao Paulo's political system and half it's population.
In hindsight, it wasn't worth it. I lay down on the couch, facing away from Twilight with my head resting on the arm, legs over the side. I wanted a proper therapist feel.
"Look, I realise I'm making it sound terrible, but it probably isn't that bad. You've just had the unfortunate circumstance of talking to someone who's seen the world through either the bottom of a glass, or down the sight of a gun."
The rare times I was actually seeing the nicer view of life was when death was preparing for the final hurdle, ready to leap out of the frying pan and kick my ass into the fire. That could be a sorrow indicator for my new life here. Death could simply be tying his blood-stained shoes, ready to make the jump to a world full of ponies. He really had nothing better to do than harass me. And I, like an idiot, continually tempt him with decisions a hallucinating junkie wouldn't take.
"Why do you see it so... cynically then?"
"Life's never offered me any favours. It's just slowly pried each of my fingers away from the ledge I cling on to."
"You... really see it that way?" Her voice had signs of sadness in it, and her quill began writing gently, easing each distressing word into existence.
"Had no reason to see it any other way."
"What about the good things in life? Friends and... love...?" She knew she had hit that 'sensitive subject', she almost flinched after saying the word. The quill touched the paper in anticipation, the hollow sound clearing my mind.
"It doesn't last. It's not allowed to." Mistakes and mourning isn't a debt repaid in money or wounds, but mental scars. You lose a piece of yourself when you lose someone you love. The price of making yourself vulnerable.
"Don't you think that she... o-or- he," She stammered, fearing the possible reaction if I turned out to swing that way, "Would want you to..."
She was looking for the right words to say 'get over it', or at least 'put down the bottle'. I had heard this all before, but never from a pony. Especially not after they successfully assumed the cause of my dismal situation.
"I don't deserve to."
"But, why not?" She was beginning to poke the the anthill with a stick. "It's not like it's your fault." The stick was covered in honey.
I just stayed silent. I would've said something I'd later regret, I was sure. Despite the floods of books in the library, it was completely empty. Neither of us made a sound after that until the quill scratched it's way into earshot. From there, it was safe to assume, this session was over. It was in both of our interests that she doesn't delve any further.
The writing stopped, and I was tempted to take a look at what she had put. Maybe later, it would have been a bit obvious if I leaned over her shoulder from the couch.
"I think that's about all we can learn for today," Twilight muttered, but audible enough for me to hear her implement that I was a stubborn bastard. "Time for bed, Max. You've had a long, long day." Understatements, understatements everywhere. "There's a spare double in my room."
"No thanks, I'll sleep on the couch." I still didn't feel comfortable enough around any of these ponies to sleep near them. I half expected there to be a section devoted to being a stable where she slept. Besides, the lonesomeness of the main floor suited me fine, surrounded by only the words of hundreds.
"Are you positive? You seem a bit tall for it..."
True, my feet were sticking over the side as I lay there, and my head was awkwardly positioned on the arm, but this was a much better sleeping arrangement than the floor where I usually ended up.
"I snore." That would be my excuse. Unless I actually formed the ability in the years of being a unstable mess, it was highly likely. "Wouldn't want to bother you with it."
"Or Spike, he needs his 'beauty sleep' to impress Rarity," Twilight laughed. A baby dragon and a pony? I chose not to search any further into the subject. "I'll bring down the quilt, though."
Twilight stood from her red pillow, this time bringing the notes with her, and proceeded up the stairs while I lay like the incapacitated idiot I was. It was hard to believe all of this had happened over the course of a day. One day, you struggle to contain the various alcohols polluting your body and successfully stand up, the other, you're being studied by magical talking ponies.
She returned shortly after with a giant blue quilt which I was sure she was going to suffocate me with for being so uncooperative. Not like I would have fought back, I already died once. Standing up, I took the quilt from her and spread it evenly across the couch. I then took off the long-suffering jacket and rested on the floor besides me. This had to be the most prepared for sleep I was in years: actually expecting it rather than collapsing into it.
As Twilight reached the stairs on her way to her own bed, she said, "Thanks for putting up with this, Max. I can't imagine how confusing things must be for you." I tried to think of some 'witty' comeback about how I've been through stranger times, but I hadn't, and that was shown in my lack of response.
"There's stuff in the fridge if you need it, and the bathroom's always open." It came to me that I hadn't used the bathroom for any actual physiological needs all day. Side effects from travelling to other worlds. "Night, Max, see you tomorrow."
"See ya."
The switch clicked, and I was, instead of being plunged, lowered into darkness. I sat on the quilt and glanced around. This was my new home? A library in a world inhabited by fantasy. Wasn't exactly the retirement I had planned, but then again, neither was Brazil several years ago.
I rested the war-torn spine that resented me so on the couch. It was warm enough to not need the quilt for anything but a cushion, which was good, because I had doubts on being able to move again.
I said I had wanted a job, something to at least earn money and get out of the library for a bit. Biding my time wasn't something I was very good at. It usually ended in broken bottles, a liver disease and an unpaid electric bill. That was the next objective on this crazy train, that apparently had a never ending supply of coal. With those last few puzzled thoughts nestled in my mind, I drifted off to sleep relatively easy.
The library was a cold, dark place, it's books losing all sense of physics and crashing onto the ground. The flooring swirled with wooden tornadoes, catching my eye and bringing it to the jacket I had laid upon the ground. There was a gleaming white note placed on top of it, and something disturbingly familiar about the handwriting.
"You are in a piece of fan-fiction, Max."
The truth was a red hot pierce through my brain.
Writing tools bordering my head, a box in which every single action I took was made. The deletion of words only to be replaced by the exact same ones with a capital letter, and the notes of what was to come clinging on to the bottom of my life. The insane idea that putting myself in a world of talking ponies created by even crazier authors. The optional rating system, where my life was judged and how it's fate hung in the balance of a single click, the amount of 'views' dictating whether my journey was worth continuing.
I was in an online fan-fiction.
Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.
While it wasn't the most threatening, or long, dream I experienced, it didn't change the surreality sticking with me. Turns out I didn't need a stab of Valkyre to see my innermost thoughts, I got free samples. Through my sleep, I had somehow managed to stay on board the couch, and my bones refused to move as I opened my eyes. There was an aching pain in my neck, accompanied by a dull headache.
It was the best I had felt in years. It said a lot about my life, but I didn't care, I finally had a complete lack of responsibility. No hunting for criminals or trying to debunk a conspiracy. The one thing I was focusing on? Getting a job. It was like I was sixteen again. Minus the baldness, the stomach and the tired joints which told me to check myself into an old person's home.
After failing to launch myself into a sitting position several times, I eventually fell on to the floor, the cold thump reviving me. New York's finest, my ass.
Nature's call got the better of me though, slapping me into consciousness before I could fall asleep there. I clambered up to my feet, and made my way to the bathroom upstairs. Spotting the main room's clock, it read ten minutes past seven. Through the windows I saw the haze of clouds making way for the blinding sun rays. It was going to be another perfect day in Ponyville.
The stairs stayed silent as I reached the top, and entered the bathroom without disturbing anyone. I left my jacket downstairs, but remembered I was out of painkillers anyway. Would have to refill those, I wondered if the doctor would be willing to resupply. After using the toilet, then washing my hands and face, I left, neglecting the option of a shower. What was one more day?
Exiting the bathroom, I caught Spike on the way there.
"Hey Max," He said, and then yawned.
"Hi... isn't this an early time to be awake?"
"Nah, I went to bed pretty early. Besides, I like getting a head start on some of the chores around here. Means more sleep later."
"Do you enjoy all the work you have to do?" If this was how Spike paid the rent, I'd move.
"It's a pain in the scales sometimes, but it keeps Twilight happy. And, therefore, the fridge full of hay fries," He pointed out.
"Fair enough. See you in a bit."
"See ya!" He said, and then vanished into the bathroom.
I wasn't sure if Ponyville had a social services department, but it might be worth giving Spike their number.
I made my way to the kitchen to see what ponies had for breakfast. Opening the fridge revealed a lot of pony-style salad stuff, but also milk and hay fries. Spike wouldn't mind if I stole a few. A glint also caught my eye in the back, and I rummaged through to it, pulling out a ruby. Ponies... ate rubies? They were edible in this world? In curiosity, I tried to take a bite.
Hard as a rock, which, essentially, is what it was. I put it back in, and was thankful no one was around to see my idiocy.
So, back to the most important meal of the day, sticks and milk. I don't know what was so damn addictive about them, but they would have to serve for most of the energy spent today. Milk would have to be my toothpaste. Even when I sort of had a home, I lived like a bum.
There was bits of paper on the kitchen shelf alongside a quill, but this time, plain, without the notes of my instability. I took one, preferring to leave without Twilight's consent. Reaching the couch again, I began writing.
Gone exploring... might get some kind of job. Max.
Simple, effective. With that done, I placed it on the quilt-covered couch and put on my jacket. You could call it an adventure, or boredom. Either way, I was eager to get out before being cornered by Twilight and having questions forced on me.
I did a few morning stretches, I wasn't ready for suddenly locking up in the middle of the street. The satisfying cracks of bones acted as a reminder I was still alive and intact, as unfortunate that was for everyone else.
I opened the library door and exited into the gentle morning warmth, the skies still slightly dark with night's presence refusing to leave, but then disappearing strangely fast. There wasn't many ponies instantly spottable, while still too early, I had to assume they had jobs.
The swaying of the short, bedewed grass I walked upon was a nice alternative to broken pavements and makeshift stairs. It hit me that I had no idea where I was going. I wasn't up for randomly asking ponies if they need something done. They must have, I thought, some sort of notice board in a town this small. Maybe there I could help search for a lost dog or delivering something. With little idea of the directions, I went for, what I hoped was, the town centre by following the larger pathways.
Ponyville was a modest, unassertive place, it's presence seemingly unnoticeable even from inside. Maybe it was only due to the morning hour, but everything sat quietly to itself, even the homes had that quality, each separated from the other. They were a lot different from any of the houses I've seen, colour-wise and size. The sharp-pointed roofs of straw and different sections of the house protruding in different directions. It had some kind of advanced renaissance feel to it.
After some more walking, I could smell the bakeries beginning to come alive, the scent of pastries being carried through the streets by the soft breeze. Hopefully there wasn't some kind of morning rush hour where I would get swept away in the charging crowds. Not that I believed there would be that many ponies living here.
Ending up at a fountain with a grey pony statue on top, I came to the town square. It was a wide circle, separated by a huge structure in the centre which must have been the town hall. There were various plants and flags dotting it, but it was more-or-less devoid of anything else, save for a few ponies.
Some of which, I saw, were guards. Gold-plated armour and stern faces as they hung outside random buildings. Though there were no exchange of head movements, we were definitely watching each other. I wondered if they perceived me as a threat. And then, like the sick person I am, how I could dispatch one of them. It's not like they were my enemy, if anything, they were protecting me just as much as the citizens. I guess after so much experience you can't block out some thoughts.
While I didn't see a notice board anywhere in the square, after closer inspection, there was a collection of papers stuck to the town hall's walls. The tall structure was slightly elevated by a wooden base, of which the stairs were connecting to. I walked the few steps and skim-read through most of the notes.
Many of them had no relevance to me. Construction in certain areas, some kind of small pastry tax, 'diamond dogs' applying for citizenship for Equestria. When I was finally around to the public-made information, I was interrupted.
"Um... excuse me?" A voice suddenly broke my awful literacy skills, dragging my attention from the memos and to a magenta-coloured female pony. Her neck craned away from me as I turned to face her, my hulking mass apparently making her nervous.
"Hi, do you remember me from the welcome party by any chance?" She asked, returning to a normal, friendly stance.
A pink, two-shaded mane with three flowers on her backside? Didn't ring any bells. Hell, I didn't know anyone other than Twilight and a few of her friends.
"Sorry, no... I wasn't really in the mood for socialising yesterday." Or through the rest of my life.
"Oh, that's okay, there were hundreds of ponies there. Anyway, I'm Cheerilee, I teach the elementary school down the road, and... I was just wondering if you might be willing to join one of my classes for a little one-off presentation."
"Presentation?" Already I was quite against the idea: somehow I got the impression that I wouldn't cope well against children.
"Well, more like a short question and answer. I think it would be really interesting for the children to learn about the nature of other species, especially one as rare as yourself! Wouldn't it be fascinating to have children more educated in human ethology and zoology than their parents?"
She spoke quickly, with excitement and pride, but I was still trying to figure out what half of that sentence meant. Was this my job offering? It wasn't exactly what I expected, and would I even get paid? I didn't want to press her about the details, she was clearly too eager to start and must of overlooked that.
Or maybe I was just a greedy bastard.
It sounded simple enough. Just like talking to Twilight about humanity. I should probably be less explicit though. According to my brain, I had already come to a decision.
"Alright then, sure."
"Oh, brilliant! Thank you so much! The class is actually going to start in an hour, at eight thirty, so there's no rush."
"I might as well come along now. It was kind of why I was here in the first place. Looking for a job of some sort, something to do." I hoped that would imply my selfish desire for money enough to get something arranged. I didn't quite remember what I wanted the money for. I guess it would just be an accomplishment to note down, for what little I actually did.
"Okedoke, follow me then," She said happily. That feeling of not knowing what I was heading into returned, criticizing my impulsive life once more.
I followed the pink mare for fifteen or so minutes, before reaching the the school. It was pretty small, especially as it looked like the entire town's only one. It was out of the way, blocked off only by a fence and up a path away from the main houses. If I could describe it as anything, it resembled a red barn. That sounded as though it could be racist, being ponies and all.
"Okay, we're here, but we still have quite a bit of time before the school opens. Would you like to come in?" Cheerilee asked, smiling as she opened the front doors. It was much bigger on the inside, a main hall diverting routes to different classes. Good, I can't imagine how stressful it would be if she was the only teacher.
"No, thanks, think I'll have a wander outside." That seemed to be the motto for me now, a 'see what happens' stance on this new life. I'd soon see if that ended up with more trouble than I could handle. I didn't exactly have a healthy bank account to bargain my way out of things, it was a coughing vacuum of empty space.
"I'll come get you when we begin then, I have a bit of marking to do for my other class. I do hope Scootaloo hasn't drawn rainbows all over her test again," She muttered to herself, before disappearing into the school.
And like that I was left to the preferred company of myself. I had no idea what i was going to do for forty-five minutes, but I never found boredom a problem. With a lack of children so far, the swings were empty, and they looked inviting.
Ending that thought process as soon as it began, I wasn't about to humiliate myself by confirming the foolish mindset I had going on. Besides, it would be pretty disturbing to see me having fun- when that happens, hell'll freeze over, and I'll be pushed down it's waiting list.
Inspecting the road that lead back to the heart of the town, I thought I could see some kind of strip of shops, one in particular being a tobacco shop. Might be an interesting hobby to take up. They still had drugs that caused harm then, so long as they were legal.
Opposing that road was one that lead higher into the hills. It edged it's way across back to that city perched dangerously on the side of a mountain. Insurance must be murder for that place. Several spires launched into the sky, stemming from a castle much different to anything I've seen before. They were heavily set on gold colours, and the towering domes seemed oddly reminiscent of St. Basil's Cathedral, in the Moscow Kremlin. Hopefully that didn't say much about the government here.
I didn't realise my eyesight was that impressive, especially when I managed to read the side of a carriage trailing down the road towards me.
'Canterlot News Corp.'
I figured it was in the interests of both me and the princess if I avoided that. They wanted me on the down-low for now, and it looked as though one cocky news team felt a certain rumour might lead to an award. If they already spotted me, I doubted they'd be willing to give me a head start away.
I wasn't about to get on all fours and neigh, so instead, I scurried my way to the front door of the school and hastily closed it behind me with a bang. Turning around, I saw Cheerilee's head emerge from one of the classrooms.
"Max, is something wrong?"
"There's a news team heading here. The princess said that they can't make this lead to some kind of investigation yet."
"Right, I heard about that. No one but Ponyville for now. That would explain the recent influx of guards..." She thought to herself for a moment, "Well, as long as they don't search here you'll be fine." She smiled, but then a knock hit the door, completely wiping her face.
"Shit," I remarked intelligently. In a school as well, I was a terrible example for children. "That's gotta be them."
That rush of adrenaline that had been so overdue finally arrived, but I never thought it'd be in the form of me hiding from ponies. I was making a mockery of my former self, if Mona could see me now, she'd probably regret that brief fling.
"Okay, okay, stay in my classroom, I'll talk to them," Cheerilee said, ushering me closer. I went into her class, the first on the right, and circled around so I was on the opposite side of the wall close to the door. I heard the door open, and Cheerilee was assaulted with a fast string of talking.
"Snap Shot, CNC News," A female's voice introduced, "Can you confirm rumours of harbouring a mythical creature in this town? Is it true that there is a collaboration with the elements of harmony to keep everything under wraps? What about the princesses? Are they..."
As she went on asking all the right questions, I had to think how she knew everything so far. Still, without proof, they wouldn't get anywhere. All it took was one pony with a camera though.
I guessed there was a group of ponies at the door, as was usual with paparazzi types. Cameraman, reporter, sound guy, the van, or carriage, driver. They probably had more technical names. Was I really considered worth a following? Of a news story? Again? At least this one might not be labelled as a manhunt.
Usually when I was shielding myself behind a wall, it would end in a new paint job, three hundred dollars worth of ammunition, and one hell of a cleaning bill- depending on who invited whom.
This 'skirmish' was slightly less expensive, as Cheerilee seemed to be waiting for the reporter to stop talking. If they were trying to pressure her into answering, they were doing a bad job of it. After long last, the barrage of questions ended, leaving the school in silence.
"Are you finished?" She asked politely, but with a hint of amused impatience. After receiving what I assumed were nods, she continued. "Well, firstly, I feel inclined to tell you that if we had a mythical creature living among us, it wouldn't exactly be mythical, would it? My students know that, and they're at least twenty years younger than you."
Ouch.
"Yes, but-" The reporter tried to argue back, but was stopped by the teacher.
"Secondly, are you honestly intending to interrogate ponies at this time? I highly doubt anypony will be willing to speak to you when even school has yet to start."
"W-which is why if you simply-" Once again, she was cut off by the teacher's authority.
"Finally, no, everything you said was most likely a prankster who phoned in. Now please, I'll gladly escort you from the premises if you are persistent on staying here. I won't have the children's learning disrupted."
I heard no response or attempt to counter, just the door slowly close shut. I walked back into the hallway and saw Cheerilee wipe her head with a hoof.
"You really told them what for."
"I did, didn't I? I hope I didn't seem too aggressive, but I really didn't want them to stay any longer and distract the students. Would you say it was a bit angry?"
"...Yeah," I admitted, and Cheerilee cringed. "Still, nicer than any of my responses would've been." Bullets, bones and a serious lack of bandages. "Might be best if I stay here for now, don't want to catch them on their exit."
"Come on in then, we still have thirty minutes." She lead me back into my hiding spot and now I could actually take in the surroundings of the room.
It was fairly big, about the size of Twilight's front room, with the teacher's desk at the head of everything. There was a plethora of multi-coloured mats for the young students to sit down on, as well as toy-boxes and painting equipment around the edges of the room. I was a definite stick in the mud here, the out-of-place aura of depression in a room of happy, swirling colours.
I took a seat on one of the tiny kid-sized chairs near Cheerilee's desk, a shortage of balance and my tremendous weight threatening to break it at any second. Cheerilee went to work with a number of papers created by her students, delightfully marking them with a smiley face stamp. The frown stamp was at the corner of the desk, untouched and layered with dust.
"So..." I started up, "I haven't seen any of the other teachers yet, are in their rooms or something?"
"No, they haven't arrived yet. Apparently, I'm the only one who chooses to get here early," She said with some annoyance as she continued to stamp. I almost tempted her to bring out the forbidden frown stamp, I was sure.
"You must be dedicated."
"I don't see how you can't be in this profession. You have many students relying on you, each and every one of them needs you. Even if they don't realise it."
I would have loved to be schooled in Ponyville. Then again, what would a higher education for me help with? The ratio of bodies to bullets, the probability of my death, testing the toxicity of my blood.
Some time later, it hit eight thirty, and the bell rang. Normally, my head would continue ringing long after it stopped, but then I remembered, I didn't have a hangover. The teachers arrived shortly before and let it the masses of children, each going into separate classrooms.
I was sitting comfortably on the chair against the wall, trying to guess the reaction of the entrants. The small bodies funnelled in, and as soon as they saw me, kept locked on even as they all sat down. Most of them were completely silent, while others chatted, most likely about me, to their friends.
I didn't know the age differences between humans and ponies, but I made the assumption that they were around five, six or seven, considering the second grade-style toys that were around. The oasis of big eyes all looked up to me and Cheerilee, and she was grinning at their wonder.
Deciding that I shouldn't look too intimidating, I attempted to forge a smile. I could sense my muscles aching, my mind asking why I was doing such a thing. True, I didn't have much to be happy about, but I also didn't have much to be pissed off at. Pink would be proud.
Cheerilee was the one to start off, "Good morning, everypony."
The students stopped their gawking to continue the morning welcomes. In unison of mixed voices, they said, "Good morning, Miss Cheerilee."
"Now, I'm sure you've all noticed something out of place in the classroom today. Would anyone like to suggest what that could be?"
A legion of hoofs shot up, all the while their heads fixed on either me or Cheerilee. I couldn't help but chuckle as I crossed my legs, of which they observed intently.
"Dinky?" Cheerilee pointed to a blond-maned, small, grey unicorn.
"Max the Human!" She said joyfully, instigating a few mutterings of approval from her classmates.
"Well done, Dinky! How did you know his name?" Cheerilee praised.
"My mommy said she saw him at the library party! But it was near my bed time so I couldn't go," She replied, now frowning lightly.
"Well now this is our chance to talk to Max, as he has offered to speak with us today." I wouldn't exactly say offered. "So, Max," She turned to me, "First of all, what is the human world like?"
Don't talk about drugs. "It's very similar to what you all have here..." Or weapons. "Which is pretty weird when you think about it. I'd say the only main differences are the lack of talking ponies and magic." Or crime.
One of the children, a young male, raised his hoof. He was entirely blue, but both wingless and hornless. Cheerilee nodded at him, allowing him to ask.
"If ponies can't talk, what do they do?"
"Humans... keep them safe... because they aren't as smart as you ponies. They keep them together so they can eat, race and... other animal stuff." Trying to keep the conversation innocent and safe was much harder than I initially imagined.
One of the other students suddenly yelled. He had a mixed brown and white coat, with a clear foreign accent. Accompanying that was a black eye-patch and a red bandanna.
"Are there human pirates?!"
Cheerilee stopped my response, "Pipsqueak, please, raise your hoof next time. And do you really have to keep wearing that? Nightmare night was over months ago."
"My mum said it makes me look 'dashing'!" He exclaimed.
Cheerilee and a few of the children laughed. "Be that as it may, if you find it's making it harder to read the board later in the day, remember to take it off. Anyway, Max?"
I guessed he wasn't referring to the murdering rapists that are modern pirates. Good thing I wasn't talking to Twilight, I would be digging myself into a hole without any ladders.
"Not so much anymore... but you could still find them if you searched hard enough. There's probably still battles for rum."
That seemed to reinvigorate in him a love for the pirate way, now knowing that they spanned worlds.
"Can I sign up?"
"If you can find a way back, kid, you're welcome to try." Even if he did find a way back, I wouldn't let him be corrupted by that life in my world.
Another small hoof was picked, an tanned orange coated female with a yellow mane.
"Are you famous? Is that why you were picked to come here?"
"Not exactly, I didn't choose to come here, it just kinda happened. As for famous?" The undeserving fame I accumulated was just a compliment to my lack of morality. If anybody recognised me, they would stay away in fear of imminent death, and rightly so. "Nah, not famous."
The questions went on for some time, these kids were really interested. Or, like I would be, were doing this to waste school time. They were gradually getting more comfortable around me and vice versa, the fate of the Equestria didn't hang in the balance of these questions, so I had nothing to worry about.
I leant in further, easily absorbing the questions and enjoying the peace of mind that came about from conversing with some children. Trivial subjects came and went- pets, school and human jobs, but then they came to a question I had no idea how to answer. What was my cutie mark?
"What's a cutie mark?" I asked, confused. Looks like I was about to learn a lesson from the kids, as each of them contributed their own little bit into the explanation.
"It's the mark you get when you discover your one special talent!"
"It says what you'll be good at and what job you'll get!"
"It stays with you forever! Look at Miss Cheerilee's!"
I looked back to Cheerilee, who was pointing at the three smiling flowers. I remember being bewildered by them when I first exited the hospital, but I never pursued it any further. A mark that symbolises your talent that'll stay with you forever? I estimated I was the only one who thought that sounded terrifying.
What would mine be? A bottle of pills, a shattered skull? A broken shield. A split shield, cracked and drowned in alcohol.
"Humans don't have them." Neither did these kids, but I could accurately suspect that Pipsqueak's would be something to do with adventure.
"Then how are you supposed to find the perfect job for you?" Cheerilee abruptly asked, dragging my attention from the kids.
"You learn all about what you want to be. I think that's as simple as I can put it. Requirements, knowledge and experience."
"What's your job?" A child of the crowd wondered. I did not like the signs passing by this road to regret. 'Failure' and 'embarrassment' blocked any chance of a U-turn out of it.
"I used to protect people, like one of your royal guards."
"Like an action hero!" One of them called out. "Stopping the bad guys with pies and eclairs!" This elicited excited gasps from them all. Really? Pies and éclairs were the equivalent to rifles and grenades out here? The adults were just as innocent as the children.
Still, I preferred this reprehensible fame to the truth, no matter how mocking it was to my ill-fated life.
"Have you ever saved a princess while stopping a hundred manticores?!" They were getting really riled up for this, so I went along. Just replace 'princess' with trophy wife and 'manticores' with well-armed drug dealers.
"Actually, yeah, something like that." I was willing to bend the stained blade that cut through my life back on itself, using it for my own selfish fun. And I didn't care.
"I remember defending myself and the crew of a ship against a horde of angry sharks while we were sailing back to land, they were knocking the deck about and ripping the hull apart." What the fuck am I talking about?
"What did you do?!" An eager, young mare asked.
"I went down into the diver's cage and punched them all in the face."
Cries of "Awesome!" and "Woah!" were being repeated through the room.
They were adoring the fictitious lies streaming from my mouth, and their amazement was fuelling my own energy, allowing me to stand up and act out certain scenes of other stupid bullshit.
"And there was this one time I was stuck on an island full of zombies," I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I guess by zombies I meant corrupt officers. "And I had to lure them into an elaborately set-up trap. I kept kicking them into cages and holes..." Electric fences. "...Before I could inject them with an antidote." Lead.
Again, more cheering and noises of commendation went up, the kids taken by the product of too many late night movies. I was stood in a fighting stance, having defeated the last zombie in my drug-addled mind, grinning with my fake victory and false euphoria.
"Wow! You must be super strong!" Pipsqueak said, looking up at my immense size in comparison with himself. If by strong, he meant being unable to prop myself out of bed in the morning, then I had been taking steroids instead of painkillers this whole time.
"Can you lift us up on your human arms?!" He said again, circling me as I was slowly forced into the middle of the room by the flocks of ponies. I may have took this too far, but I had my old friend adrenaline back, and it wasn't a fight or flight situation.
"Sure," I knelt down, my back cracking with age and built up stress. It was then I was consumed by the entire class, all enveloping me in their individual weights. I had them hanging off my arms, back, shoulders and legs, like a swarm of oddly-shaped growths. It was a struggle at first, but somehow, I forced myself up, pushing myself past the immense mass and lifting them into the sky.
My face was red with over-exertion, I could tell, but the encouraging cries of my minions ushered me forward, my legs driving ahead, taking them on a sky-high journey. Their laughter filled the air, and I'm pretty sure one of the was dangling from my head. I stumbled my way to the ends of the room and back.
Momentarily, I was a shadow of my former self, I was, along with these kids, having that mystery to me known as 'fun'. The regret, guilt and pity of my former life had vanished, washed away by the last beacon of innocence known to man.
Like all good things, my body couldn't allow this to continue, choosing to crumble before me. The energy wore off, and I was brought to the ground by the sudden realization that I was a moron carrying a dozen kids on my back. I fell to the ground, the kids jumping off before impact, and landed into the soft mats layering the floor.
Everyone was laughing at me, including myself, as I lay defeated on the floor. Breathing heavily, I held my hand to my smooth head as I prepared for one hell of a headache. Funny, usually it'd be a hangover.
A short burst of coughing left my lungs burning, and moved me upright. I made my way slowly back to the seat as the children took their own back on the floor. Cheerilee looked about as entertained as the children did, and I rested my back against the cold, white wall from the position on my miniature chair.
"So..." Cheerilee started once the children were calm and listening once more, my major distraction clearly having an affect on their learning. She should have anticipated that as soon as she hired me. "Any other questions for Max?"
There was a halted silence, lasting only several seconds before a random voice suggested, "Why do you smell so bad?"
About five years old and already capable of insulting me successfully. Kid's gonna go far. Then again, I took the opportunity, and I could easily smell myself.
"Yeah... Ol' Max has yet to test out pony showers. Thanks for confirming that."
The small blond unicorn's, Dinky's, eyes swiftly went wide, and she called out to me. "Max! Can you read us a story?"
I didn't think I was too adaptable to take on this situation, but I looked at Cheerilee, and her nod stated a mutual trust in me not to screw this up.
"Alright, pick out something."
Dinky's eyes lit up and she raced to the bookshelf to her side. She scrambled through the many books on the shelves, and once she had her target, neatly reorganised them back into place. She brought the thin-looking book in her mouth to me, and I scanned over the book as she took her seat.
I skimmed through the small number of pages there were to get a better idea of what I was up against. Surprisingly, it struck a major resemblance to the 'ugly duckling' story that everyone was familiar with. I always entertained myself with the idea of being a narrator, so with little else to do, I improvised some of the lines.
"There once was an duckling, born into a healthy family of happy ducks. This duckling, however, was different. This duckling bore with him the weight of his crushing anxiety for the day to come, the crippling depression that sprouted from months of ridicule. All of this, because he was considered an 'ugly duckling'."
My audience, without looking up, I could tell, were both confused and enthralled.
"As each day passed, he faced countless challenges that threatened to strip the fibre of his being to the bare core of it's upset soul. The torment and anguish fired from his peers was nothing of that compared to what he wished to redirect back at them. He contemplated many things, but each time he became perched on the quicksand of dread that he was sure would swallow him."
Was I scaring them? I think I was scaring Cheerilee, she might be the only one who understood most of this.
"Each night was a frenzy of worry and remorse, a pit forming in his stomach, indicating the emptiness of his life. Until one fateful night, when the duckling woke the next day. Erratic feelings overwhelmed him as he caught a glimpse of himself in the river. Ecstatic, the duck saw he was-"
The bell rang out, ending my brief career as a children's narrator, and causing a clamouring of "Awwwh."
So, somehow, they were appreciating my apparent skills, and were reluctant to be lead outside by Cheerilee.
"Sorry class, but recess is recess, and you need to be prepared for the surprise spelling quiz I have in store."
This echoed more groans of disapproval from the class, but, gradually, they emptied the class. All but one, the young, grey unicorn Dinky, who took the book back off me.
"Max?" She asked.
"Yeah?"
"Will you be back maybe to finish it?"
"Huh, I don't know. You really want me back?"
"Yeah! That was the bestest lesson ever! Humans are cool!"
"Then I'll think about it," I assured, and she beamed me a smile before being escorted by Cheerilee outside.
For once, a job well done. I managed to not scar the minds of the youth too much, and even have a fan. Progress. Again, I would advise otherwise for the poor girl, but something in this room possessed me to admire my short time here. Probably the most fun I've had in my entire life.
The stories that twisted the already unbelievable events of my life, while a massive jeer to the fallen in my life, released something from me.
"That really was something," Cheerilee said, standing in the doorway.
"Yeah... do you think I laid on the vocabulary a bit much?"
"...Yeah, but it was quite astounding seeing them all riled up. You are really good with kids, you know that?"
If only...
"I... need to be going. Might as well see if there's any other jobs on the market while I'm out here."
"Oh, Max, let me pay you something then..." She trotted over to her desk and brought out a purse, engraved was her cutie mark. I was really getting the hang of this. "Sorry, it's not much, I don't carry much with me."
She handed me a dozen gold coins, more than enough to at least have a day of exploring shops.
"Keep it. I don't need it." I filtered them all back into her purse, lost riches falling into the dark depths.
"But... I thought you were looking for extra money?"
"It's a human thing. If I'm enjoying it, it's not a job. Thanks."
"If you're sure..." She said, and then started to take everything back to her desk. "You remember the way back home, right?"
"Yeah, no problem."
"Good. Thank you, Max, I have the feeling these kids won't forget you for a while. It's been a pleasure."
"All mine, see you, Cheerilee."
As I reached the corridor, she called my name one last time.
"Max? One last thing, you didn't really punch all those sharks in the face?"
"Heh, nope. Never been near one."
"Just checking," She smiled, and we departed.
Once more, and probably for the final time, I walked up the stairs leading to the town hall and started reading the messages. Aside from the several memos about meeting times, there was one particular note which punched me square in the jaw. It must have been recently added, I would have noticed it before.
Bodyguard Wanted for Guarding of Magical Performance!
I couldn't help it- I started laughing. The rare time I showed any emotion and it was down to amusement from my own failures. At least there was barely anyone around to see me cover my face in my grinning folly. Each snicker was another kick to a former acquaintance's tombstone.
This... I was considering this as my redemption for my piss-poor job as a previous bodyguard. Whatever the conditions, I was taking this job. I swore I could hear the corpses of the Branco's howling with laughter.
I read further down, but it was relatively vague.
Outskirts of the Everfree forest if interested, must be willing to get messy.
Unless that was innuendo for getting blood on my hands, I didn't have a problem with dirt. I doubted this would be a serious job, life-or-death, seeing as how so far they hadn't heard of guns. Maybe an intimidation mission.
Outskirts of the Everfree... that was where I passed out, I remember the doctor saying. This would be the perfect opportunity to ask both the route there, and for more painkillers. I could remember my way to the doc's, it was only yesterday I was lying there with a bandage around my head, sealing in all my confusion. I can't remember when or where I took it off, but the infection seemed to have healed, leaving a faint scar denting my shiny head.
Ignoring everything else, I started off towards the hospital, ready for another fix. Old habits die hard, and this one would go out guns blazing.
