Rhett & Link Eat Equestria

by toxiconym

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Spike, Comedy
Length: 4969

Princess Celestia pranks Equestria by summoning Rhett & Link to eat everything, while Twilight tries to stop them.

Princess Celestia decides to prank all of Equestria by summoning Rhett & Link to eat everything.

Warning: This story gets sillier the closer you get to the end of it.

Inspired by the Youtube video "Are You Gonna Eat That?"

This isn't vore.

Published 2015-07-17 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-22 23:38:10 UTC

Chapter 1

“ʕVas A comer eso?” Link sang to Rhett. They both turned their heads in unison and looked at the camera, which was about ten feet south of them. A short, green mountain towered behind them, with storm clouds gathering in the sky just above it.

“ʕVas a? ʕ Vas a comer? ʕVas a comer, vas a, vas a comer eso?” Rhett and Link sang in union, carrying two baskets full of asparagus. Rhett grabbed a handful of the asparagus and stuffed it into his face, while beckoning for Link to do the same. As they continued singing their song, more storm clouds approached from the west and joined the ones above them, meshing together into a swirling vortex of color  gray.

“Are you gonna eat …that?” Link said, while turning his head to look up, and immediately ducked and covered his head with a yelp. Overhead, a swirling vortex rushed down at them, engulfing them in a gray swirling tornado. The swirling mass became more and more concentrated as it rotated around them, but Rhett and Link didn’t get blown away. They had been anchored to the ground by an odd and unknown force. Suddenly, the vortex exploded in an ocean of gray wind, nearly knocking out both internetainers and throwing them off into a different dimension.

As their vision became darker and darker, Rhett squinted his eyes and managed to see the grinning face of a tall white alicorn with a sparkling horn before his eyes rolled back into his head, and he fell back onto the floor.

∞

“Spike! Can you bring me my journal? I left it in the kitchen,” Twilight Sparkle yelled back at his assistant while she fiddled with her telescope. She was out on the porch of the Golden Oaks Library, and was getting her equipment ready for some late-night stargazing. Princess Celestia had told her that she had made a new constellation, which would appear overhead at midnight.

“You've already asked me that, you’re holding it,” Spike said, crossing his arms in front of him while slowly tapping his right foot.

“Oh! Right. Then can you get me my ‘Things I Already Asked Spike Checklist?” Twilight didn’t even look back at her small and purple dragon. She was currently writing notes and equations on her notebook, while frantically adjusting her telescope to set on a specific spot of the beautiful dark night.

“You’ve asked for that too, it’s right there,” Spike simply deadpanned and pointed to a spot on the balcony. “And why are you so nervous? Princess Celestia’s new constellation isn’t even due for an hour!”

Upon hearing this, Twilight turned on Spike and walked towards him, pushing him against the wall. “Her constellation isn’t ‘even’ due for an hour, Spike! It’s going to BE due in an hour! It’s a whole new constellation! I have to make sure everything is perfect, otherwise I’d miss one of the most important days in history! Do you really want that to happen? Princess Celestia would be disappointed in me; I may not even be her student anymore!” Twilight had backed Spike up into one of the porch’s corners, whose face was looking like Twilight had turned into a hydra, or Discord, or some creature of equal terror.

Twilight looked down at the cowering baby dragon and her rage was replaced by guiltiness and concern. “Oh, Spike, I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s not due for an hour. We still have plenty of time left, thank you for reminding me that,” she apologized.

Spike blinked. “No, it’s okay Twil-“

“No, it’s not okay, Spike. I shouldn’t have yelled at my number one assistant like that, and said assistant definitely should not be apologizing for a mistake I made. So once again, I’m sorry. It’s just, Celestia put a lot of effort into her constellation, and I want to make sure I put just as much effort into recording it,” Twilight Sparkle backed up from Spike and turned toward her telescope.

“Why did Celestia make a constellation after all? Wouldn’t that be Luna’s job?” Spike scratched his head with his claws as he gazed out at the sky.

“Well, yes, but I’m sure that there’s a good reason. Celestia isn’t one to take action without proper reasoning and judgment. That’s one of the reasons she’s been able to rule an entire kingdom by herself for an entire millennium,” Twilight said and looked back at her assistant. “Whatever the reason she may have, there’s always a good reason to trust in her,”

∞

Princess Celestia put a hoof to her mouth, trying to contain her mirth. She had made herself invisible and was sitting on one of the library’s branches, looking down at Twilight and Spike’s conversation. Yes, she most definitely had a good reason for ‘making a new constellation’, as they would soon see.

The princess soared over them and began flapping her wings towards Canterlot. She teleported to her bedroom mid-flap, and began preparing the spell that would teleport Rhett & Link across dimensions to Equestria, more specifically Ponyville. Long-distance teleportation itself was extremely difficult for a mere unicorn, very few could achieve such a feat without severe consequences. In contrast, inter-dimensional teleporting was impossible, but Celestia was no mere unicorn. She had saturated her bedroom’s air with magic for a month, and had been stocking up on her own magical reserves, reserving her magic for emergencies in preparation for this moment. There were various charms and artifacts laid out across the room’s floor, while the room itself had been enchanted with countless magic-boosting spells and enchantments.

Princess Celestia eagerly waited for midnight to come, the perfect time to wreak havoc among her prized pupil and her friends. She giggled with glee at what would be her biggest troll yet. Well, for the century, anyway.

When her magical internal clock struck 11:58, she began drawing magic from the magical energies she had stocked up in the room the month prior. The energy came to her horn from every corner and most of the charms and artifacts she had so carefully laid out on the floor. Celestia was almost blinded by the searing light of pure magic were it not for her experience with the sun, yet she continued drawing the magic in. The magical energies began pouring into her horn and in a minute they had all been stored inside Celestia’s own magical reserves, visible by the bright glow of her horn.

Princess Celestia strode out the door and into her bedroom’s balcony, which granted her a full view of all of Canterlot. Far in the distance near the horizon, specks of light shined indicating towns and cities. One such speck of light was Ponyville.

Celestia looked to her right at her sister’s tower, making sure Princess Luna was asleep. Contrary to popular belief, Luna doesn’t sleep during the day. She has her duties of guiding lost ponies in their dreams during the night, making sure she could make as many ponies as possible feel safe and dream without fear. To be able to do that Princess Luna must be in a deep and dormant state of sleep.

Looking back at the night sky, Celestia began formulating the complicated spell in her mind. She closed her eyes and searched through the multiverse in her head for Rhett and Link’s dimension. The multiverse was filled with many dimensions, but after some careful probing she found the pair singing near a rather small mountain. Celestia cast an enchantment on the dimension, and a doppelganger of herself dropped in. Both copies of Celestia began channeling energy into the sky above Rhett and Link, creating a huge tornado-looking air mass in the sky. She grunted in effort, bringing the vortex near Rhett and Link, compressing it to where all of the magical energy seeped into their very bones. Then, with a final enchantment, she let the spell unwind, causing a huge explosion in the center of the mountain. After the dust settled, the doppelganger calmly walked up to Rhett and Link. With one final cast of her horn, the doppelganger disappeared, Rhett and Link teleported just outside Ponyville, and Celestia blacked out from her exertion, having just enough time to go back to her bedroom and fall asleep on her queen-sized cream-colored bed.

∞

“That’s strange. It’s midnight, but I don’t see any new stars,” Twilight rubbed her chin as she looked across the sky for the new constellation Princess Celestia had promised. “Wait, nevermind, look Spike!” Twilight pointed her hoof at a spot in the starry sky that was beginning to glow. Spike ran next to Twilight and climbed on top of the balcony rail.

The spot in the sky that was glowing started to fade… but instead of a new constellation, two ape-like creatures could be seeing flailing through the air.

“What,” Spike contemplated his existence.

“Agreed, Spike. Take a letter." Spike pulled out some paper and a quill "‘Dear Princess Celestia: In the night sky during the time you said the constellation would arrive, two creatures appeared and fell to the ground. I’m sure there’s a good reason for all of this, but an explanation would help everyone break out of our shock. Your student, Twilight Sparkle,'”

Spike finished scrawling on the letter and breathed fire on it to send it to Princess Celestia.

“Let’s check it out, Twilight!” Spike hurriedly stepped down the balcony and jogged up to the door, but was then stopped by a purple glow.

“No, Spike. It’s past our bedtimes, and I haven’t slept in days because of my studies,”

“But-“ Spike struggled against her telekinesis, trying to brush off the purple aura starting to form around his left arm.

“No buts Spike.” Twilight said as she floated an annoyed Spike over to his basket in front of Twilight's bed. “We can deal with it in the morning,” Twilight plopped Spiked down and trotted on top of her own bed. “Good night, Spike,”

Spike opened his mouth as if to protest, but decided against it. It was really late, and as he settled into his basket, his vision became more and more slurred by fatigue. “Alright, fine," He gave in to sleep, but not before saying "Good night, Twilight,”.

Chapter 2

Rhett & Link woke up on the grass, facing the starry night sky. Crickets chirped and birds sang, while a cool breeze ran through their hair. They were in some sort of clearing, facing a small town with funny-looking houses with hay for a roof. The windows were circular, and the paths weren't paved. There were street lights here and there, but if you looked closer you'd realize the lamps didn't run on electricity, rather they ran on fireflies.

Link stood up and sat down on the grass. On his right, Rhett had done the same.

"Hey Rhett?"

Rhett turned his head to look at Link. "Yes, Link?"

"Are you gonna eat that?" Link ate a patch of grass next to Rhett, as music came out of... seemingly nowhere.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Rhett picked up a firefly near Link's face and plucked it into his mouth, exaggerating his chewing by moving his jaw up and down in circular motions.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Link stood up and walked next to a tree dangerously close to what seemed to be a cottage, and reached up for one of the branches. He split the branch in half, and bit into the smaller half.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Rhett picked up one of the rocks near the cottage, and threw it at one of the windows on the cottage. A surprised, highly feminime voice shrieked inside it, but Rhett ignored it as he went inside. He found a small songbird sitting on a pole next to the door, and shoved it into his mouth. A yellow pegasus with a pink mane hurried down the stairs, but stopped upon seeing the giant ape-like creatures in her home, one of them with a few feathers sticking out of his mouth.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Link twisted his head vertically and looked at the pegasus. She screamed and ran backwards through the door. Link caught up to her, took the carrot that she was somehow holding in her hooves and shoved it into his mouth, stem and all. The pegasi's eyes rolled back into her head and she slumped down onto the ground.

Both Rhett & Link walked out of the cottage, staring out into the wide town. Most of the houses were about as tall as they were, and it's inhabitants about a quarter of their size. They walked into the town, broke into a house, and yelled "Are you gonna eat that"?

insert image here

∞

Twilight Sparkle layed on her side on the bed. She kept her wings close to her, and hugged her Smarty Pants doll as she slept soundly.

Except what was really happening, was that the Smarty Pants doll had been torn in half, the bedsheets were strewn across the room, and Twilight was practically doing somersaults on the bed from her constant rustling.

She couldn't get what happened earlier in the night out of her head. She looked over to Spike's basket on the edge of her bed, he sucked his thumb with a blanket neatly covering his scales, and was curled in a baby position. Twilight sighed, resting her head on the edge of the bed for a moment before getting up and silently walking to the door. Well, as silent as you can get with hooves, anyway.

She opened the door, walked down the hallway, and out into the balcony. The night's cool, crisp wind softened her mane as she looked out at the moon. Judging by its position, she deduced it was only a few hours until dawn. "Why do things never go as planned in Ponyville? Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Trixie... our plans always fail, and we keep having to fall back on the elements," she pondered. "I have the uneasy feeling that blinding light earlier was the start of another mistake," she looked down at the floor, sighing internally. However, when her gaze met the town around her, all seemed nice and quiet. There were no immediate signs of anything out of place.

After a few minutes, all of the lights in Rarity's boutique suddenly turned on.

"Huh." Twilight thought. "How'd she turn all the lights on at once?"

Her confusion was interrupted by an unnecessarily dramatic screech, and when she turned around to find its source she discovered that she was looking right at it. Rarity's door slammed open and Twilight raised her brow at a maniacally screaming white unicorn rolling around at the speed of sound in front of a tree roughly 350 meters from the shop. Her horn flared up, and she teleported next to the panting Rarity.

After a quick noise-reducing spell reflectively magicked after hearing Rarity's wails, Twilight leaned her neck down and said "Rarity! What's the matter?," Her thoughts quickly turning to the blinding light. Knowing Ponyville's radical history, it wasn't too far-fetched for it to be the source of the problem.

Rarity didn't respond. Since she just kept bawling on the floor, Twilight rolled her eyes and walked up to see what the problem was for herself.

You see, that's the thing. She didn't see any problems, but that's because she didn't see anything. The inside of the boutique had completely vanished, and nothing was left but rubble. Twilight had no idea why Rarity had rocks or cement in her room that could break down into rubble, but she cast a spell that checked for any living signatures. If a monster had raided Rarity's home, Twilight would find out which monster it was, and where it would go next.

The spell took effort, but Twilight had been long since using that spell, and cast it without any problems. Unless you counted what the results were.

The creatures that she saw, there were two of them, she had never seen before. A hoof fled to her mouth as she tried to contain her gasp, her eyes lighting in wonder. There was a new species in Ponyville!

Summoning a quill and ink, Twilight ran off with her horn leading the way for wherever the two creatures would be headed next.

Chapter 3

"On second thought, I have a better idea," Twilight thought to herself and immediately turned around a little too fast and fell face first. She instinctively teleported on an upright position and continued galloping towards her tree house. "If I'm to stop the alien invaders, I'm going to use alien technology,".

She entered through the house door, deafening her hoof steps with a quick spell. Stepping through her basement door, she walked around her gem-powered computer to a secret lever switch. Once it was pulled, the wall in front of her parted in two, revealing a massive chamber as big as the royal palace. The chamber was an expensive project, and if it weren't for magic Ponyville would cave in on itself because of it, but being a princess alicorn in ponyland paid well.

Twilight walked along a platform rougly 300 meters above the floor down below her. Pony scientists worked below her, conducting experiments and... messing around with the wheeled chairs. "Hire someone to make sure the pony scientists are working," Twilight added to her mental checklist and continued walking on the steel platform until she came into a room. Immediately, the atmosphere turned fresher as it was the only room in Ponyville with air conditioning. A gray unicorn with an unkempt, dark gray mane who looked to be near his early 20's greeted her once she entered.

"Welcome, Twilight. What brings you to the alien pony technology chamber?" He asked without looking at her. He was checking over his check list with his orange bio-luminescent eyes, a gift given to him from a failed magical experiment as a child. As a result of this, his cutie mark was a light bulb. However, his cutie mark had a double meaning. Not only did his eyes shine bright, but his mind did as well. That's why he was the commanding pony scientist in the group of alien technology pony scientists.

"Hello, Paper Face. I know this seems abrupt, but I need to use the bipedal alien robot,"

Paper Face spit out the coffee he was sipping, then quickly cleaned it up with a spell. "What? The hyper cannon isn't ready! There are multiple teams of scientists inside of it! Hell, one of the arms isn't even attached!"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, Paper Face, I am aware of this. Don't you know I keep five check lists for possible future events? This was one of them. I already planned this. All you have to do is push the muffin button,"

"The muffin button?" Paper Face thought to himself, and frowned. "What the heck?"

"Twilight, check your mental sanity,"

"I think you should check the author's mental sanity instead of mine. Besides, there's no time! Alien invaders are invading and eating everything! I need the pony robot, now!"

Paper Face looked over at the controls. Yep, there indeed was a muffin button. He walked over to it and raised his eyebrow. "I'm not getting payed enough for this," He said as he inserted his key into the... muffin button. The button glowed red, and when he turned the key the room started shaking. "There you go, Twi... Twilight?" Paper looked around the room. Twilight was gone, but he could faintly see a few purple sparks hanging in the air. Using a spell to check the magical trace, he found that Twilight was inside of the alien robot's head. The head itself was made of mostly glass, with the torso, arms, and legs consisting of red alien robot parts, which were then changed to black alien robot parts with a quick spell. If she could, Twilight would attempt stealth while the night lasted.

The outermost wall opened, and the giant robot stepped through it. She walked up the giant stair case, into the night. Twilight giggled in her helmet, she hadn't been able to test run the robot before! It worked like a dream.

A pony was outside, watering their garden when they looked up and screamed at the giant robot as it didn't plow through her flowers. Twilight was a nice pony, she wasn't just going to up and destroy Ponyville with the giant aliens.

Twilight wasn't very sure, but she was pretty sure half the houses in the northern side of Ponyville was gone. "Oh no!" She yelled at nopony in particular. She was the only pony in the robot. "I hope the ponies are okay, for now I'm going to have to stop the aliens to prevent further damage," She continued her monologue. The robot didn't respond, it was a robot. Nothing more, nothing less.

Music buzzed faintly in the background. Twilight strained her ears towards the noise. Among the music, she could barely pick up "are you.. are you gonna.. are you gonna, are you, are you gonna eat that?" from the direction Rainbow Dash's house was in.

"Found ya," She whispered as she prepared the hyper cannon. While it charged, she stalked as quietly as a giant robot could among the houses until she found the backside of the black-haired monster eating something with his arm raised up, dramatically posing and exaggerating his chewing. The ponies were shrieking in terror at the display below them.

The hyper cannon blasted, and Rhett was shot straight in his back. He whirled around and his eyes widened as he saw the giant alien robot being controlled by a small purple alicorn. "Uh... Link?"

"Yes, Rhett?" Link turned around and looked at the alien robot.

"Are you gonna-" Rhett was interrupted by another hyper cannon to the face. This one made him stumble backwards, and he almost crushed a pony as he fell on the ground. Link ran up to the robot and kicked its torso with his leg.

"I'm an internetainer, you are nothing to me!" He roared as he pulled back his fist and shattered the glass dome around Twilight.

"Gah!" Twilight gasped as she put a protective shield around the head. She also cast a spell that would repel the next attack on their part, making them punch in the face instead.

Rhett got up, picked up a house, and threw it at her. It hit the torso and bounced off, hitting Link square in the chest. Rhett ran up to the robot, picked up its leg, and threw it at Rainbow Dash's house.

Twilight shrieked as she fought to gain control over the robot. She spun in the air, and used her boot rocket thrusters to stabilize herself. She put the robot in flight mode, and soared to the sky. Twilight flipped the rainbow switch inside the robot once she got a few hundred meters above cloud level, turned around, and flew straight at Rhett with the force of a sonic rainboom.

Instead of hitting Rhett's face, her punch was caught by Link's hand. Link was thrust backwards, but he held the fist.

"Just a little more!" Twilight hissed as she lipped controls on the robot. The rockets went to full power, and Link was being pushed back as the robot put more force into its punch.

Link held his ground a little longer. "After all the will its we've done, after all the music videos we've made, after all the song biscuits we've written, I will not be bested by a little pony!" He roared as his mind internally spun the wheel of mythicality. It landed on "Link goes Super Saiyan".

His blood rushed all the way up his veins. He could fell the air tighten as the rocks around him flew into the air. He pulled his head up and yelled, gaining a golden aura around his body. The ground around them exploded, sending both the robot and Rhett flying backwards. Twilight flew backwards and landed on a house, destroying the walls and half of the interior. She slowly stood up and gasped.

Link's hair had become even more golden and spiky. He stood up straighter, and smiled. This would all be over soon.

He literally flew at her, shooting a blast from one of his hands. Twilight swatted it away and punched him. Her robot fist was met with his fist, and when they collided the area around them exploded, sending both of them backwards.

"I'm going to need more firepower," Twilight thought and looked at the red button on her controls. "It's now or never,"

She flipped open the glass containing the button and slammed it with her hoof.

The robot transormed, growing bigger and stronger. The glass dome was replaced, and Twilight charged magic into the inner workings. As the robot grew, it expanded small spikes around its body. After a few seconds, it was glowing with electricity and was two human heads higher than Link.

Link, knowing his super saiyan form wouldn't be enough, rushed to Rhett. "Hey buddy, we need to do something, now!"

"Good idea Rhett," Rhett stated and stroked his chin. Twilight was still transforming, so they had a few minutes to think. "I got it!" Rhett stated. "Remember that time at summer camp?"

Of course Link remembered. They separated themselves by about 10 feet, and extended arms pointing at each other. "FU!" They both yelled in perect unison as they extended one knee over the other at an angle.

They swung their arms in an arc the opposite way while moving to each other slowly. "SION!"

They turned their fingers to each other in perfect harmony and yelled "HA!" as they both glowed a blinding white. Their bodies slowly floated towards each other, and the light around them exploded, twice. After the debris had been cleared, Twilight was finally prepared for battle. However, she was looking at a new creature. Twilight gasped, a hoof flying to her mouth as her eyes widened.

"What did they do?" She yelled at herself as she saw the new creature. It had a combination of Rhett & Link's hair, and facial features of both. When it spoke, it sounded like they were both speaking at once.

"It is time to end you, alien robot!" Lett yelled at Twilight and posed his arms in front of him, extending one leg.

"TOOOOOOOO-KYYYYYYYYY-OOOOOOOO!" Lett yelled as a giant, white lazer with a red streak through the middle shot at Twilight at a blinding speed. She, along with all of ponyville, exploded.

"No!" Twilight yelled as she was ripped apart, bones shredded from her body.

Once the dust cleared, Celestia came down from her cloud. She looked at the black smudge that used to be Ponyville, and shook her head slightly.

"Well, it's time to fix this mess,".

Small Bonus Chapter: Celestia's Aftermath

Celestia shook her head. She hadn't expected Twilight to be able to defeat Rhett & Link so easily. Actually, she hadn't. Celestia pulled them away right before they got hit, saving them from the collision. It wouldn't do any of their fans good if they up and died, not like this.

"Oh well, maybe next century," She calmly thought as she levitated them over to her bedroom, where nopony would bother her with unimportant petitions or invitations. It was sad Rhett & Link didn't get to destroy Equestria, Celestia was tired of dealing with the ponies. Living thousands of years had taken its psychological toll on her. If only she could just start fresh.

Once Rhett & Link were secured in her room, she prepared her spell to bring them back. A swirling mass of gray winds revolved around them, but they didn't interrupt the room or the castle around it because of Celestia's safety enchantments. The swirling mass of gray accelerated rapidly, engulfing Rhett & Link in a mini-tornado. Celestia could feel the wind ripping into her fur and stinging her flesh, but it would take something much more powerful to harm her. The only reason the guards or Luna hadn't burst into her room at the noise was because she had enchanted her room with deafening spells.

The tornado exploded inwards, shining a bright white light across her room. It revolved around the room, shooting streaks of light into the ceiling. After a few minutes, it caved in and suddenly disappeared.

Once she made sure Rhett & Link had returned to Earth safely, she teleported back to Ponyville. She hadn't used this much magic in a long time, but it was barely taking a toll on her. Most ponies underestimated her, she would actually be safer without guards to be in the way. Of course, politics wouldn't allow that.

The night smelled of ashes, sounded of cries and wails, yet felt cool on her white fur. A scroll levitated in front of her, showcasing enchantments Celestia would need to say out loud for the spell to work.

"Tempos regreturnos salvasionos, befantes destrucciones def creatirnos conmemonos," She shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Immediately, space seemed to warp in on itself. Celestia found herself in the middle of a cosmos, points realigning themselves to their proper places. Rhett & Link destroying Equestria wasn't part of fate, however much Celestia wanted it to be. She'd have to figure out a different way to get rid of her little ponies.

As soon as time and space mended itself together, Celestia woke up in her bedchambers one night prior to the event. She walked over to the balcony and looked at Ponyville.

It was no longer a black spot on the ground, distant away, no matter how much she wanted it to be.