Chapters A lone figure in a sodden black cloak made his way to the mansion in the hill, pausing only to restrain the dog, Cerebus, so as not to allow disfigurement or death upon his master’s guests.
“Sit boy.” He ordered, tossing the three heads a yellow ball encompassed in a pale yellow aura. Sighing with relief, Smiles let himself in the door. He levitated the cloak onto the rack, revealing a pony with stark-white fur and electric black mane kept in massive spiky chaos, tidied only around the curved horn protruding from his forehead. His eyes, a decadent blood red, were hidden behind massive grey goggles that seemed to block all light out. He trotted down the hallway, following the tell-tale sounds of metal being sharpened.
“Good evening miss--” his greeting was cut off with a small snarl, a flash of silver, and a small yelp of terror.
“Good evening Mister Smiles.” The Cyan Pegasus held the knife at the white pony’s throat. “Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”
The butler pony nodded, slowly backing out the door.
As he started back towards a darkened room, the bell above the door rang out.
“And so it begins.” He muttered, pulling a small lavender bowtie on. He opened the door, giving a smile to the occupant trapped in the rain. “Good evening. I assume you are Violet Scholar?”
The lavender unicorn took a step back, her wet dark blue mane going over her eyes, “No, my name is--” she started to give her name, but found the butler’s hoof held to her mouth.
“No offense, Miss Violet,” he said, withdrawing his hoof embarrassed, “But under no circumstance are you to reveal your true name unless asked by your host. Those are the instructions.” He gave another smile before continuing, “But do come in before you catch your death in this ghastly weather.”
Violet trotted through the door, finding her flank to suddenly rise as the weight was lifted. She turned back, seeing her saddlebags held still in the Butler’s magical aura.
What she said was drowned out from the bell ringing again, but a small hiss escaped her lips as she trotted towards the room with the fireplace.
Smiles smiled again, opening the door to another guest. “Good evening, Lord Chestnut.”
A bright brown stallion smiled back, “I assume this is--”
A bolt of lightning caused the stallion to bolt right inside, leaving the butler to pick up the dark red fez that fell off the other’s head.
He cursed the stallion under his breath, placing the small hat on the rack with the other accessories.
Smiles sighed again, trotting to where the violet unicorn headed off to. “Caddy?” he called to the winged unicorn just inside the doorway, “Everything alright in--”
“Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” The two finished their typical greeting, falling into fits of uncontrollable laughter.
“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!” the butler called out in shock, “I beg to ask you of what you are doing!”
The Princess of Love stood, still giggling a bit. “I’m sorry Smiles, but I babysat young Twi--”
“Excuse me.” The butler took off again, opening the consistently chiming door.
“Good eve--” he hardly said anything before he was flat on his back, vision clouded by a white mane and purple cloak.
“Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou.” The owner of the mane was shivering as if she trekked all the way to the Northern Territories and back.
“I assume you are Miss Navy Model?” Smiles picked both him and the pneumonia-bound show mare off the floor.
“At-at-at-atleas-s-s-s-st-t-t-t-t” she stuttered, “th-th-th-that-t-t-t-sssss what-t-t-t-t th-th-th-the n-n-n-ot-t-tee sssssaid-d-d-d.”
The butler nodded, “Come into the living room where we can get you warmed up. Gilda!” he called to a creature that trotted towards the room where the chestnut stallion retreated to. “Can you please get a blanket for Miss Navy here?”
“Got it Smiles.” She called back, immediately turning and trotting back up the stairs.
“Don’t worry, we’ll not have you freeze or get sick this evening.” He pulled the mare closer, sharing some body heat with her. “Let’s get something in you, you’re positively freezing.”
Navy Model stuttered her thanks and allowed herself to be led into a room with what seemed to be hundreds of glass bottles lining the walls.
When she was wrapped in a blanket and sipping from a mug containing a yellow-amber liquid, the stallion trotted back out the room into the hall.
As if on cue, the little bell rang again, causing Smiles to nearly trip over himself as he turned around and went back to the front door.
“Good evening.” He donned his smile again, “Forgive me, but I don’t recall sending an invitation to a couple.”
The two ponies sharing the same cloak immediately broke apart, their faces turning red almost as fast as a Zap Apple.
“We’re not a couple.” The stallion said, “Ah just gave her a bit of protectin’ from the rain is all.”
Smiles nodded, “Do come in. Won’t you two?”
“Gee, thanks mister!” the Pegasus few in, crashing right into the suit of armor.
“Miss Grey Cloud!” Smiles stared horrified at the pile of metal. It will take him AGES to fix that suit. “Do control yourself indoors!”
The grey Pegasus smiled, trying to force her wall-eyes into an apologetic look. She trotted clumsily into the Living room, sitting next to Navy Model.
Smiles chuckled, ticking the ponies off in his head.
“Violet Scholar, Lord Chestnut, Navy Model, Grey Cloud and Scarlet Worker. Which leaves…?”
Whoosh! CRASH!
“Mustard Fire.” He grimaced, looking towards the now-broken skylight, already starting to flood due to the storm.
“Hey.” The Pegasus shook her fire-red mane off, as well as tossing her flight goggles onto the coat rack. “What’s up? Miss anything?”
Smiles took a deep breath, “Yes, Missus Mustard. You missed the door.”
She laughed, tossing her head back towards the hole in the ceiling. “Yeah, I figured as much. I’ll pay for it.”
The butler shook his head, “I’ll be Tartarus’ new guard if your host finds out you have been spoiling his house.” His yellow aura formed around the pieces of glass, forming the massive pane into its original location.
“Ah, come on. I was only having a bit of fun.” She started to burrow into her flight suit.
“Ah, yes, I understand, Mustard.” The butler tried to remain cool, “but as you see, we have--”
He suddenly found his vision obscured by a medium blue fabric. “Well, since we are all here, Miss Mustard, would you be as kind as to wait for us in the Dining Room?”
The yellow mare nodded, “Yeah, I’m so hungry I could eat an entire Apple Orchard.”
Smiles shook his head, magicked the flight suit in as best of a fold job as he could, and set it at the feet of the coat rack.
“Dinner’s ready!” the cook started ringing her bell, “Come and get—HOLY SWEET CELESTIA!”
Smiles teleported into the dining room, seeing his cook gawking over Mustard Fire, “Yes, we have a Wonderbolt with us tonight. Pull yourself together and start serving.”
The Pegasus took a breath, “Yes, Mister Smiles.”
When the butler turned around, he was met with six pairs of eyes. He sat down in the chair next to Mustard Fire.
The Cyan Pegasus and the Griffon came out of the kitchen door, setting plates down in front of each of the guests.
For a while, the only sounds were silverware clicking, and the crunching of the crisp lettuce leaves.
“You know,” Navy Model said after a moment, “someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a talker, its part of my work. And it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted. So I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here. Or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I'm very intrigued, and, oh my, this soup's delicious, isn't it?”
What they couldn’t understand was how long she had been in the talking business, because she didn’t seem to take a breath when she started, she chipped in her two bits, then dove into her soup, drinking it without halting for breath.
After an awkward pause, “So, who is that chair for? Our host?”
Smiles, well, smiled at Lord Chestnut. “That is for our seventh guest. FoxTrot.”
“Ah though FoxTrot WAS our host.” Scarlet Worker leaned in to make eye contact with the white butler. “If’n he’s not our host, then who’re talkin’ to later?”
Smiles gave a halfway-sadistic grin, “Now you’ll just have to find out, now won’t you?”
“GAAAAAAAASSSSP!” Navy Model seemed to finally take in a breath, causing the other five to start.
After another moment of awkward silence, there was a rapping on the main door. Smiles darted up.
“Excuse me for a moment.” There was a black-and-white flash, then two voiced carried through to the guests in the dining room.
“What are you doing?”
“Locking you all in sir.”
“Why? You know I can just take the key from you, Smiles.”
“Over my dead body sir.”
Smiles entered, his yellow glow vanishing from a small object now hiding in his vest pocket.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts.” He said, standing to the side of the doorway, “I present to you your host, Prince FoxTrot of the Shadows.”
A stallion stood in the doorway, his black coat splotched with small bits of blue. His dark blue mane fell to his shoulders, circling around a broken horn. His hooves were sand blue in color, and unshorn in quality. His eyes are what made the six guests gasp. One was as black as night with a dark green ring where the iris was. The other was blood red and orange, moving in a fashion of its own.
The newcomer sat down at the head of the table, shook his wet mane from his eyes, then started into his dinner with full force.
“Ahem.” Violet Scholar cleared her throat, “What are we doing here Fox-”
“Shall we go into the living room?” Smiles interrupted, “When you’re finished, by all means sir.”
“Nah.” Foxtrot wiped his mouth with the back of his hoof, “I’m done anyway.”
Smiles nodded, “In that case, follow me.”
Scarlet Worker was sitting on the Ottoman between Lord Chestnut and Grey Cloud. Smiles was standing next to the chair containing FoxTrot, who was staring intently at navy Model and Violet Scholar sitting side-by-side. Mustard Fire was sitting in a recliner, sitting as still as if she were merely asleep.
Princess Cadenza held a tray full of mugs with the same amber-yellow liquid that Navy Model was sipping before.
“So.” Mustard started when Smiles spoke, “You each have no idea of why you are here, right?”
Each of the six ponies nodded, confused, “You don’t know it, but each of you have some sort of connection to each other.”
“I know my connection with at least one pony here.” Navy Model raised her hoof, “I visited Violet’s village a few months ago during my trip to Las Pegasus.”
Violet nodded, “And I met Lord Chestnut a few times. He and I both live in Ponyville.”
Scarlet worker cleared his throat, “Ah live in Sweet Apple Acres with mah sisters and grandmother. So of course I know Chestnut and Scholar.”
Mustard Fire sat up, “I’ve meet Grey Cloud a time or two at different shows. And I kind of know Violet Scholar.” She took a mug of Cider from the princess, “One of her friends competed in a Youngest Flyer’s Competition a year ago. It must take a lot of skill to get two Unicorns and Earth Ponies to walk on clouds.”
Violet blushed, “It wasn’t that hard.”
Grey Cloud smacked her lips, “I don’t know anypony here. Not by name, at least.”
Smiles nodded, but FoxTrot was silent.
“You know each other, but not what kind of connection do the six of you have.
“Mustard Fire trained Grey Cloud, but had to stop when the strabismus kicked in; you were forced to stop, where she went to Ponyville, meeting Violet and Chestnut.
“And please, for the sake of names, call each other by their color only. It will make the game far easier.” FoxTrot gave a sly grin, showing yellowed teeth in a black mouth. Another shudder from the group.
As if commanded, Violet stood, “Okay, before FoxTrot or Smiles gives me out, I am Princess Celestia’s favored student. I grew up in Canterlot, and I am married to—“
“Miss Mustard Fire.” FoxTrot turned to the Wonderbolt, “Care to talk?”
She nodded, “I am a Wonderbolt, yes, and I have been a Wonderbolt since I got my Cutie Mark.” She turned, showing off the flaming lightning bolt on her flank.
Lord Chestnut stood, “Okay, fine. I’ve been around Equestria for about five years. I took residence in Ponyville, because that is where I landed.”
“THAT’S HOW I KNOW YOU!” Grey Cloud pointed an excited hoof at the Time Lord, “You’re that silly pony who lives in that tiny blue house!”
“Yes, the tiny blue house is my TARDIS.” Chestnut sighed, “It is the device I use to teleport around Time and Space.”
All were amazed, but then somepony else took the stage, “I already told you. I am a show mare, and I went through Ponyville on my way to Las Pegasus. That’s all you need to know.”
Scarlet nodded, “And Ah gave mah two bits.”
Smiles nodded, “But you all have a deep connection. FoxTrot?”
The black pony started pulling different sizes of boxes from the chest at his feet. “Each of you will take one and open it. In it lies the key to your problems.”
Each opened their gift, gazing at the assorted items inside.
Navy held a metal pipe with a three-way socket at the very top.
Mustard pulled a smaller pipe from hers, with an accompanying pistol.
Violet pulled a dark green electric guitar with the initials of TK printed in dripping white letters.
Grey pulled an intricate knife from her box. It seemed to whisper “heads” as she balanced it in her shaking hooves.
Chestnut pulled a purple satin coil of rope from his box. He looked towards the curtain, missing its own.
Scarlet tossed his box down, a beautiful silver Candlestick tumbled to the floor and rolled to a stop against FoxTrot’s hoof.
“No way.” Fear fell from his words. Cold, raw fear. “No way. Ah played a game with a friend of mahn one time. Scarlet in the Living room with the Candlestick. Ah see whach yer doin’. Yer tryin’ ta frame me.”
Smiles held his front hooves level with his shoulders “Mister Scarlet. I assure you; no harm will come to you during the course of the evening. Physical or social.”
The workhorse shook his head, and then bolted out the door.
“The front doors are locked!” Smiles called after him. Scarlet, even for his size, managed to turn around and dash into a room filled with plants.
He looked around frantically, eyes resting on the far glass wall.
“You can’t go out!” FoxTrot taunted, “She won’t let you.”
“Ah, buck your wife!” Scarlet heard the stallion mutter something about intentions, but when he turned, there “she” was.
Her coat was bubblegum pink. Her flank was adorned with two yellow balloons and one blue. Her mane was both blood red and night black, but it was her eyes that caused him to fall backwards.
Her right eye had a curved scar both above and below. But both eyes were pure black with red stars. He could see the blood pumping in them.
And they were on fire.
He turned back around, fleeing for his life now.
FoxTrot looked at the pony, “Thanks Pinks.”
She dropped the knife into its sheath; giving FoxTrot a wink, then vanished again.
He trotted back to the living room where Scarlet was breathing heavily. He didn’t blame him. Not too many people will smile back when Pinks gives you the “I want to rip your heart out through your throat” smile. Especially at night when her eyes’ fire was more pronounced, illuminating her facial features with that eerie red glow.
“Now that we are all calmed down.” Smiles said, “Here’s how it works. Each one of you has some sort of everyday device. But, for the wrong reason, can become a lethal weapon. In the right hooves, anyway.”
“Now wait a moment.” Mustard Fire held her rope up, “What are we going to do with these?”
Smiles gave his characteristic facial feature before continuing, “Simple. Kill FoxTrot. You never said it out loud, but you all know it’s true. There is some sort of secret that he knows, and you are paying something for him to keep it away from that charming Gabby Gums mare, right?”
They all nodded, each of their cheeks turning red for their own, private reasons.
“I have sent a letter of to Princess Celestia,” Smiles nodded towards the fireplace, “Her Royal guard will be here in an hour.”
FoxTrot’s cracked horn suddenly sparked to life. The butler was caught in mid air, trapped in a t-pose.
“Now, THIS is how it will go down.” The black stallion walked backwards to the light switch. “One of you will kill this stallion. Then it will be just the seven of us with the knowledge, right?”
The ponies nodded, taking their weapons up.
“But wait,” Smiles said, “If they kill me, then you’ll still be blackmailing them!”
FoxTrot grinned, “Too bad. For them anyway.”
The place went black. There was a scream. A gunshot. Shuffling. A sound of flesh and metal. Another scream. Thunder.
The lights turned back on, and it took just one look around the room to see that all six of the guests were alright.
FoxTrot, however, was lying face down on the floor, unmoving.
“Is he dead?” Grey Cloud dropped her weapon, taking a small, tentative step towards the Host.
Lord Chestnut bent over him. He placed his hoof on the black stallion’s neck. His chest. Under his nose.
“He’s not breathing.” Chestnut said, “I think he is dead.”
“There was a gunshot.” Navy said, “I heard one.”
“Someone tried to take the gun from me, and it went off.” Mustard said defensively. “I didn’t shoot anyone.”
“Well, obviously you did.” Navy gestured to the corpse. “Otherwise he wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Scarlet nodded to a small hole in the far wall, about three feet from the boddy. “Ah reckon she’s tellin’ the truth.”
They all crowded around the hole in the wall. Sure enough, there was the smoke as if it had been recently charged.
“Then who killed him?” Smiles rubbed his head, materializing from behind the couch.
“There was a sound as if he had been hit on the head.” Navy said, but Smiles shook his head.
“I was knocked over and hit my head on the mantle. No one attacked me.” He gestured to a part of the metal grate, scored from his horn.
“Then what about the guitar?” Navy looked at Violet, “You could have easily popped to behind him and gotten him.”
Princess Celestia’s Student backed up, “When the lights went out, I got scared, so I dropped the guitar and grabbed the person next to me.”
“You were probably the one that I thought was taking the gun.” Mustard said, “Around the waist?”
“The candlestick?”
“Ah was over by the window.” Scarlet pointed to the disturbed curtains.
“I was by Violet.” Navy said, matter-of-factly. “I couldn’t have gotten three feet with the pipe.”
“And it’s still straight.” Chestnut pointed out. “If it was her, it would have been bent.”
“It wasn’t me.” She said, holding her hooves up “See? I lost it.”
“Then it was YOU!” Navy pointed to Lord Chestnut, who shook his head.
“Just because I am the one without a card, doesn’t mean that I gave the rest out.” He sighed, “Besides, I was sitting on the couch, remember?”
A slight pause.
“Okay, so it wasn’t any of us, right?” Smiles said. Six eyes immediately sot towards him accusingly.
“Let me guess.” Smiles looked at each of them in the eye, “Since I am the butler I automatically killed him right? Well, I assure you, I am nothing but the humble butler.”
Mustard looked at the albino, “And this is your place, being the butler?”
Smiles nodded, “Yes ma’am.”
Violet stood beside the navy mare, “And what is it you do?”
“I buttle, ma’am.”
“Which means what?”
“The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.” He stated.
They looked at him, trying to see if this was a code for something.
“Maybe he was poisoned.” Chestnut picked a mug up, “Like the cider.”
Grey started screaming loudly. She drank an entire mug. Plus half of Chestnut’s when he wasn’t looking.
“Missus Grey, please.”Navy Model put a comforting hoof around the Pegasus, sitting her gently on the ottoman “Missus Grey, it's alright. It's alright. We don't know anything. Sit-sit down, sit down, Missus-“
Seeing this was of no use, she brought the back of her hoof against her cheek.
“What?” feeling the five pairs of eyes boring holes in her, “Well, I had to stop her from screaming!
“Smalls.” Scarlet Worker looked at the butler, “Am ah right in thinkin’ there ain’t nopony else in this house?”
“Um... no.” Smiles shook his head
“Sorry, I said ‘no’ meaning ‘yes’.” He smiled again
“’No’ meaning ‘yes?’” Lord Chestnut shook his head, “Look, we all want a straight answer, is there somepony else, or isn't there, yes, or no?”
“No.” Smiles let the two letters fall from his mouth.
“No there is, or no there ain't?” Back to Scarlet.
“Yes.” Smiles was starting to get confused.
“PLEASE!” Violet threw a spare mug of cider into the fireplace, where it erupted with a small BOOM.
“Well.” Smiles said, glaring at the two stallions, “There is--”
“The Cook!” all six suspects ran out the door, through the Living Room, into the kitchen, all sliding to a halt.
Lord Chestnut extricated himself from the pile of ponies. “Where is she?”
“I don’t understand.” Smiles gasped, pulling himself from under Scarlet. “She was in here half an hour ago.”
Confusion seeped into the room like gas as the rest of the ponies stood from the heap.
“Whazzat door doin’ open?” Scarlet nodded towards the fridge.
Smiles trotted up to it, magicking the door open.
All seven present screamed, Grey Cloud emitting the loudest.
There, hanging by her ankles was the Cook.
Her cyan coat was bloodied in places, the flesh from her face missing. Her wings were ripped from her body, hanging only by a small sinew. Her chest was ripped open, and her organs were crammed in a bucket positioned below her head.
Every mare present dashed to the sinks, where they deposited their dinners.
“Well.” Smiles said, his own white fur taking on a shade of green. “Let’s take her to the Living Room.”
“Why?” Chestnut slowly untied her ankles, which, after a second, he realized they were her own intestines.
“I’m the butler.” He said, “I like to keep the kitchen tidy.”
Scarlet and Chestnut gently lowered Rainbow Dash from the hook, slinging her hooves over their stout necks. Violet and Navy took her back legs in their auras.
They carried her out the kitchen, leaving Grey and Mustard to clean the drops of blood that trickled from the chest cavity.
When the three stallions opened the door back up to the Living room, the scene shocked them so much that Rainbow Dash’s head fell to the ground with a small thump.
“What are you all staring at?” Violet asked, struggling with Dashie’s leg
Scarlet regained his lower jaw “Nothin’.”
“Well who's there?” Navy tried to look over their shoulders, cursing her vertical challenge.
“Nobody.” Chestnut said.
“What do you mean?” Both mares tried to stand on their back hooves, but ended up toppling over with a series of squeals.
“Nobody.” Smiles looked at the six guests, “No body, that's what we mean. FoxTrot’s body, it's gone.”
“Maybe he wasn't dead.” Mustard tried to say smartly.
“He was!” Chestnut glared at the Wonderbolt “He had no pulse!”
“We should've made sure.” Mustard looked at the empty portion of the floor
“And how do you propose we did that?” Chestnut’s voice went soprano.
“By cutting his head off, I suppose?” Smiles adjusted his goggles slightly after his comment.
Navy Model shook the pain from her hoof, “That was uncalled for!”
The yellow aura encompassed the cook, then a lavender one blended with it. The two Unicorns sat her on the couch, the ugly hole in her chest scaring all.
“Drape her over the arm, won’t you please?” Navy’s cheeks were glowing green.
“Okay.” Lord Chestnut said, “We can rule the cook out. Who else is--?”
There was more screaming, coming from the room across the hall.
“Caddy!” Smiles ran across the hall right into the library, where the pink Alicorn was trying to regain her composure.
“Are you okay?” he asked, stroking her hair with a hoof.
She points to a screen, showing a group of ponies huddled around a still figure.
“There are more people here!” Navy shouted, shoving a hoof in Smiles’ face. “Admit it!”
“No.” Cadance took a deep breath, “I had to step out for a moment. When I came back, I rewound to see what I missed and saw the events that transpired.”
“Wait.” Lord Chestnut trotted forward. “Can we see what went on in the kitchen?”
Smiles frowned, “We only had the camera in the living room to have proof that he was blackmailing you. There isn’t anything anywhere else of the sort.”
Chestnut stamped his hoof, cursing in an alien language.
“Is there is little mare’s room?” Violet asked, turning to Cadance, who pointed to the small door by the kitchen.
They stood in awkward silence, then, “So, FoxTrot was killed, and then vanished.” Lord Chestnut made an imaginary tick in the air, “And Rainbow Dash, the cook, was found in the fridge, trussed up and cleaned like a deer.”
They all looked at him in confusion.
“I’m gathering my thoughts.” He said defensively, “Okay, and kind of explaining to Caddy here.”
“Not that.” Smiles said, “’Trussed up and cleaned like a dear?’”
Chestnut nodded, “Yeah. Back where I’m from, people liked to hunt--”
Violet screams cut the stallion’s explanation short and possibly from everypony’s mind, because the next thing they know, they’re calming a frightened mare down, and, once again, looking at the black stallion in a crumpled heap.
“I opened the door.” Violet shuddered, “And he fell on top of me.”
Navy nodded sarcastically, “Yeah, I’m sure he did.”
Chestnut tapped his hoof against her mane, “Think, Navy, Violet asked to use the bathroom. She had no weapon on her, right? Then how did she kill Foxtrot. Again, I might add.”
“The better question is,” Smiles snapped, “How did FoxTrot get from the living room to the bathroom, and killed AGAIN?”
“Well,” Chestnut said, pulling his ear away from the stallion’s chest. “If he wasn’t dead before, he is now.” He placed a hoof over FoxTrot’s mismatched eyes, closing them out of respect.
“That's what we're trying to find out!” Smiles started shouting “We're trying to find out WHO killed him, and WHERE, and with WHAT!”
“Hey!” Cadance glared at the butler, “There's no need to shout!”
“I am NOT shouting!” He yelled, raising his voice so much, it started to crack.
“Then what do you call that?” Mustard glared back at him, “Hardly anything?”
“All right!” He shouted himself into resignation, “I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout—“
His yelling had caused a silver flash from above his head to form, and the next thing they knew, Smiles was laying in a heap next to the black stallion.
“Three deaths.” Grey Song muttered.
“No, he’s just out cold.” Chestnut slung the stallion over his back. “Can you get FoxTrot, Your Highness?”
Cadance nodded, using the same motion Chestnut did to sling the black corpse onto her skinny, but strong shoulders.
The group trotted back to the Living room, where they grabbed a bag of ice from the serving tray.
Chestnut sat down next to the corpse of Rainbow Dash after slinging Foxtrot in his recliner, “Now we need to figure out who killed FoxTrot AGAIN, as well as who killed Rainbow Dash.”
“There is more help, isn’t there?” Grey Cloud shook the unconscious butler. “Mister Smiles?”
“Here” Violet trotted up to the white pony, “Enervate.” She muttered, guiding the small spark to Smile’s chest.
He woke with a start, falling off the Ottoman right onto the floor.
“By the gates of Tartarus.” He cursed, “Where did you learn that?”
The Unicorn shrugged, “My mentor, I suppose.”
Smiles took the bag of ice from Grey Could with a word of thanks, placing it on the back of his head.
“I think we need to take more thangs into consideration.” Scarlet looked at the butler again, “How did the candle stick get from here to the bathroom.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Navy shot a look at Violet, “She took the candlestick from here, dragged FoxTrot to the bathroom, and then finished the job.”
“Okay, Navy, you’re just giving us a load of apples.” Mustard said, her red eyes catching a theoretical fire, “One, I saw the Candlestick still on the table where Scarlet set it down after you accused him of killing FoxTrot the first time. Then, when we were in the kitchen, she helped carry Rainbow Dash into here, where the candlestick had gone missing, as well as FoxTrot’s body.
“When Cadence started screaming, she ran across, because, if I am correct, she is your sister-in-law?”
Violet nodded, “Yes, she married my brother, Shining Armor, who is the Captain of the Royal Guard.”
All eyes were widened at the news. She just told them that she is The Princess of the Sun’s private tutor, but MARRIED into royalty?
Lord Chestnut looked towards Smiles, “Are there are more hooves around this place?”
“I haven’t seen her since dinner.” Smiles said, “She usually flies around during a rainstorm. She couldn’t have been here to kill FoxTrot or Rainbow Dash. Besides, even though she is a griffon, killing is much too vulgar for her.”
Navy’s turn to stomp her hoof. “Like her social life, I’m sure.” She growled.
“Is there anypony else?” Lord Chestnut took no notice, “We have fifty-five minutes until the Royal Guards come.”
Scarlet shuddered, “There’s that pink thing ah ran into.”
Smiles looked at him, “That ‘pink thing’ as you may have referred her to, is no other than Pinks, a homicidal, and physiologically deranged young girl. As well as my sister. She wouldn’t dare kill anything larger than a housefly for fear of angering FoxTrot. You have my word that she didn’t pull any murders tonight.”
“And ah thank we should make some sorta precaution so’s nopony else gets a hoof on the rest of the weapons.” Scarlet looked around, “lahk a safe or somethin’”
“Good idea.” Smiles tossed the ice pack onto the couch, “I have just the thing.” He pulled his ring of keys from his pocket, selected one, and then popped it off. “Open that cabinet, won’t you Grey?”
The grey Pegasus nodded, opening the doors of a deep-set cabinet.
“The guitar.” Smiles’ glow engulfed the weapon sitting against the Ottoman, “The Candlestick,” from the hooves under FoxTrot, “Pipe,” Zipped from under the couch, “Vorpal Blade,” from the side of Rainbow Dash, “The Pistol,” flew from the coffee table, where it had been discarded, “And the Curtain Tug.” The silvery-purple rope settled neatly on the pile of weapons, all surrounded by the glow.
Smiles slammed the door shut, turned the key in the lock, and his glow vanished.
“Okay, I have the only set of keys to the entire mansion.” He said, holding the key in his teeth, “Especially to the one to this cabinet.”
“And how’re we gonna know you won’t take them back?” Chestnut glared at Smiles, who merely chuckled.
“Simple. Follow me.” He galloped out the Living Room, right to the front doors. He swung the door open, brought the key back, and—
“Ah! Wait!” The Griffon jumped back, “Smiles, it’s me!”
Smiles gave an apologetic smile, “Do forgive me, Gilda, we were just playing a game.”
“That involved killing the lady of the house?” she asked, her scared face unmoving.
Smiles nodded, “Your warm bath awaits you in the Recreation Room.”
The Griffon snorted, “Thanks Smiles.” She shook most the water from her feathers, walking towards the correct door.
“Now that that’s done.” Smiles pulled the key back out his pocket, brought it back again, and then threw it as far as his magic allowed him.
“Allow me.” Navy picked the key up, but when she threw it, it clicked to the ground a good two feet from her.
“Showoff.” Violet muttered, “Let me show you how it’s done.”
Her attempt made the other six swear they saw the key fly far into the atmosphere, leaving behind a small flash of light.
“Now, we were saying?” The mare trotted back past the front doors, lightly tapping Chestnut’s and Smiles’ jaws back into their skulls.
“Ahem.” The Butler turned around, “Shall we try to figure this out now? To the kitchen, I have a plan.”
The eight ponies trotted back to the kitchen.
“Okay,” Smiles pulled a mess of matches from the cup beside the stove, “So, here’s how it will work.” He placed seven matches on the table, sorting them into four piles of two. Pulling a butter knife from a drawer, he cut them in three varying lengths.
“Here, I’m going to hold these so nopony can see the length.” He looked around, “Where’s Lord Chestnut?”
“Right here!” Chestnut skidded to a halt beside Scarlet, “I was just checking the living room.”
“Everything alright?” Grey Cloud asked, concern flashing across her face.
“Yeah,” Chestnut said, “Two dead ponies. Everything’s fine.”
Smiles held the matches in a cup, “Now, everypony take a match.”
Each pony pulled a match from the cup, comparing them to the length of their neighbor’s.
“Okay, Grey and Mustard, you take the upstairs; the bedroom and the bathroom.”
“Violet and Chestnut, Caddy and I will help you with the downstairs; the basement and the Cellar. You two,” He pointed a hoof at Scarlet and Navy, “You two start in the library. If anypony needs help, holler. Don’t scream.”
Each pony nodded their destination in their mindset.
Grey and Mustard slowly opened the door.
“Ladies first?” Mustard gave a look to Grey, who nodded. The grey Pegasus took an attentive step forward, fumbling for the light switch.
The two looked at the dimly lit room. There was a king size bed in the center, a mess of bookshelves on the right wall, posters decorating the left, and just below the bed was a massive chest.
“Think there’s something in there?” Mustard nodded to the chest, “Let’s see if we can open it.”
The two Pegasi trotted to the chest, taking a good long look at the intricacies of it.
It was pure black, like FoxTrot’s coat. It was held together with pearl black metal that seemed to glow in the dark room. The lock was the most breathtaking part, being a heart made from bones.
Grey Cloud opened the window, flew out, and then soared back in with a cloud that vanished in the darkened room.
“Okay, bring it here.” Mustard positioned it just right, so that the next burst of lightning would hit the lock. “And when I give the order, release the bolt.”
Grey nodded, “Got it Missus Mustard!” She jumped onto the cloud, looking at Mustard.
“Okay, wait a moment.” Mustard was staring intently at the cloud, waiting for the surefire charge.
“Now.” There was a mighty crash of thunder, but being Pegasi, the two were unharmed and—
“Heeeeyyy.” Grey Cloud suddenly said, “We’re both ladies!”
“Oh, never mind.” Mustard flipped the smoking lid up, “We’re both in here, and we’re both safe.”
Suddenly, something flew from the chest, striking Mustard in the windpipe. The chest seemed to growl, and then slammed shut.
“Mustard!” Grey darted to the Pegasus trying to take a breath, “Anything I can do to help?”
Mustard took a deep breath, “Thank you, Grey,” she gasped, “I’m fine now.”
The two looked back at the chest, turned around, flicked the light off, and made a note not to go back in there, even if it kills them.
Scarlet and Navy vanished into the giant oak door, finding them surrounded by hundreds, if not thousands, of books.
“Ever seen so many?” Navy stared in awe. The ceiling even seemed to hold books.
“Eenope.” Scarlet, unable to read, didn’t find anything too exciting with the many colored cloth-bound rectangles.
“I mean, look at it! Alphabetical, but also in the order of the rainbow!”
Sure enough, there were the red bound books, all the way to violet. And back again, even, what with the library being circular and all.
The two turned suddenly. The door swung shut behind them.
“Great.” Navy sighed, “How do we get out now?”
Scarlet shrugged, which caused Navy to look at his green eyes.
“Why so mute all of the sudden, big guy?”
The stallion shook his head, too shy of this mare.
Suddenly, there was the loudest crash of thunder the two ponies had ever heard. It was as if it came from the house itself.
“Get off me you lummox!” Navy disgustedly threw the stallion from her hooves, “What’s the matter with you, you big baby? It’s just a crash of thunder!”
The stallion nodded, “Ah beg yer pardon, Miss Model.”
She shook her mane, “Look the door’s open.” She magicked the crack wider, revealing a dimly lit hallway.
“The lightning must have taken out the power.” Navy poked her head out the doorway, “Here, I’ll go first.”
Scarlet held her back, taking the lead. Just because he won’t talk to this mare, doesn’t mean he’ll leave her in the hooves of a killer.
The group of four trotted into the cellar, the three Unicorns illuminating the way.
“I take pride in building this myself.” Smiles explained, “Each slab of granite was hoof-carved and transported here using the best magic Unicorn kind could harvest. They simply stand, because the charms and protections placed on them are more than sufficient to keep them in place.”
Lord Chestnut blinked, “Rather dark without light, isn’t it?”
Smiles shrugged, “then why don’t we hit a switch?”
The three other ponies’ eyes screamed in protest at the sudden bright light.
“Smiles!”
“Sorry.”
BOOM.
The four ponies jumped, “What was that?”
“Sounded like thunder.” Chestnut muttered, “Too loud to be a pistol shot.”
“I locked them up, remember?” Smiles whined, “Besides, Miss Violet here sent the key beyond the cumulonimbus layer.”
“Boys.” Cadance’s horn started to glow, “Come on, we’re not going to find out who killed FoxTrot or Rainbow Dash if we’re fighting all the time.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
Mustard and Grey skidded to a halt next to the three unicorns, “What’s going on?”
No response, except more screaming.
“Look out!” all turned to see Lord Chestnut pawing at the ground.
“These doors are solid Snake wood.” Smiles said, “There is no knocking them open.”
His face fell, “The key is gone!”
“Never mind about the key!” Grey Cloud smacked him upside the head, “Unlock the door!”
Smiles shook the Pegasus “I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!” He turned back to the door, rattling the handle “LET US IN! LET US IN YOU DOLTS!”
“LET US OUT! LET US OUT!” Scarlet and Navy started rattling their side of the door.
“Move!” Cadance held the pistol in her teal aura, “MOVE!” Without hesitating, she aimed, pulling the trigger twice.
“Agh!” Scarlet yelped, “Yeh shot me ya crazy--”
“How are you two faring?” Smiles gently swung the door open, giving a reassuring smile to the two ponies.
In response, they pointed to a figure leaning backwards in the pool.
“It’s just Miss Gilda.” Smiles cocked his head, “What’s the problem with--”
Realization hit him like a brick so hard, he fought for breath. “Miss Gilda? Dead?”
The two nodded, leading the massive group to the corpse.
Her head had been bashed in, and there were green flecks of wood embedded in her face. Her beak had broken, both eyes were swollen shut, and blood trickled from her mouth into the water. The guitar was thrown under one of the benches.
“I think I will be sick.” Smiles shook his head, “How did they get to her. I locked…”
“You locked the cabinet.” Navy looked at Princess Cadance, “And somehow, somepony unlocked it.”
“It wasn’t me; the door was unlocked when I grabbed the pistol!” She held her hooves up, “Besides, I was with Smiles and Violet!”
“And me.” Chestnut agreed, gently taking the weapon from the Princess of Love. “She couldn’t have killed Gilda.”
“I didn’t say she did.” Navy looked around, “I just said somepony must have unlocked it.”
“You don’t say?” Violet gave Navy a sarcastic smile, tilting her head back a bit.
“And how did they get in? The door was locked.” Chestnut gave Navy a searching look.
“The panel over there.” She backed away from the stallion’s glare, “It leads to the library.”
BANG!
“Chestnut!” Mustard yelled at the Time Lord, “You could have killed me!”
“I beg your pardon miss.” Chestnut stammered, backing away from the crazed mare.
“You could have killed me! What are YOU the murderer now?”
“No, Missus Mustard, it was an accident. I promise!”
“Oh, yeah, an accident that you would have KILLED ME!”
CRASH!
“GET OFF ME!” Mustard threw the butler form her side, knocking him into the chandelier.
“Somepony had to save you.” Smiles shot daggers at Mustard, “Sorry I saved you life.”
The doorbell rang again. All froze.
Ending A:
STOP! THIS IS AN ENDING! GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING UNLESS LINKED HERE BY THE MAIN STORY!
“None of us killed FoxTrot or Rainbow Dash.” Smiles grinned.
“So who did then?” Scarlet looked around, as if another guest would kill them.
“The one person who wasn't with us.”
Puzzlement filled the air while Smiles just stood there.
“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza” He said after a moment.
“Cadance?” Six voices of incredulity rang out.
“Yes!” Smiles clapped, “She was in the Library, listening to our conversation. She heard the gunshot . . . she thought he was dead. And while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the Living Room, picked up the dagger, ran to the kitchen,”
“Get back here!” Violet snagged the butler with her aura
Smiles gave a small cough, sitting on the ottoman. He looked around, “We didn't hear the cook scream because Grey was screaming about the "poisoned" cider. Then, Caddy returned to the billiard room. She screamed . . . . And we all ran to her.”
Chestnut looked at the silent Unicorn “Well, when did she kill FoxTrot?”
Smiles made a face, and all figured he rolled his eyes under the goggles, “When I said, duh. We all ran to the kitchen to see the cook. Cadance hid in the study to check that FoxTrot was dead. He got up, and followed them down the hall, so she hit him on the head with a candlestick, and dragged him to the toilet.
Navy looked disturbed, “Why?”
Smiles threw his hooves to the ground, “To create confusion!”
Scarlet nodded, “T’worked.”
Violet shuddered, “Why did she do it?”
The six voices on incredulity stuck again, “Who?”
“Violet Scholar.”
“Easy.” Smiles gestured to the room containing the dead princess, “Caddy told you. So when we split up again, Miss Sparkle here turned off the electricity; it was easy for you, here on the ground floor. Then, in the dark, you got the lead pipe and the Curtain Tug, strangled Cadance, ran to the library, killed Shining Armor, and picked up the gun where Chestnut dropped it, opened the front door, recognized the singing telegram from her photograph, and shot her.”
Twilight gave a half-relieved smile, “You've no proof.”
Smiles shook his head, “The gun is missing. Gentlecolts, turn out your pockets. Fillies, empty your saddlebags. Whoever has the gun is the murder—“
“Brilliantly worked out, Smiles.” Twilight’s purple aura was enveloping the silenced pistol, “I congratulate you.”
Smiles merely shrugged off the praise.
“Me too!” Mustard Fire called to the bookworm.
She glared, “Shut up! Nopony here needs to know the truth! We can all go around as if nothing happened.” She turned to the butler, “Except you. You know my motives, and I'm afraid your moment has come.”
“Not so fast, Miss Sparkle,” The butler grinned again, “I do have a secret or two.”
“Oh yeah? Such as?”
“The games up, Twilight. There are no more bullets left in that gun.”
She heaved a mighty sigh, “Oh, come on, you don't think I'm going to fall for that old trick?”
Smiles shook his head, “It's not a trick. There was one shot at Fawkes in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
“Wrong. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.”
“Even if you are right,” Smiles waved the rest of the guests to safety in the Living Room “that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.”
Twilight thought for a moment, “Okay, fine. One plus two plus one—“She shook her head, suddenly enraged, “Shut up! Point is, there's one bullet left in this gun, and guess who's going to get it? Smiles, don't hate me for trying to shoot you . . .”
He ripped the gun from Twilight.
BANG!
“Hang on a tick.” He looked at the dead Unicorn at his hooves, a hole in her chest leaking red blood. “One plus two . . . plus one . . . plus two, plus one . . . is—“
And the chandelier shattered on the floor behind him.
Ending B:
STOP! THIS IS AN ENDING! GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING UNLESS LINKED HERE BY THE MAIN STORY!
“Two of us killed Rainbow Dash and Fawkes respectively.” Smiles looked around, “But only one stands before us now. The other lies dead in one of those two rooms.”
He gestured to the Recreation Room and the door to the Cellar.
“Cadance or Gilda?” Violet was perplexed, “But he was their employer, right?”
“Wrong. They were merely living under his roof. And his will specifically stated that when he were to die, they would receive half of his proceeds from all his vineyard cultivating and wine-making as long as the stuff still sold under the label of ‘RyDer Brew Sparkling Wine’”
“Then which one was it?” Scarlet Worker glared at the butler, “If’n it was either of them mares, that is.”
Smiles nodded, “Gilda had been living under his roof for a time now, ever since she was exiled from Grydon. He took her in under his wing, so to speak. She gave him many tips and secrets for cultivation of the grapes that he made her his partner.
“When we killed him, as Lord Chestnut accurately discovered, she took him out and made sure of it, which is why we found him in the bathroom.”
“Then who killed her?” Mustard asked, “And the others.”
Smiles looked her way, “The pony who killed Gilda, killed her because she was one of the other beneficiaries of FoxTrot’s will. Cadance was his right-hoof-mare, being by his side when needed. Naturally, her husband was also to get a share.
“Rainbow Dash was in there for the sake of being Rainbow Dash. And he had a massive crush on her once upon a time, so naturally, he would leave her something to.
“The Singing Telegram Girl was mentioned in his will, as the one who wrote it, so she would get her fair share of money.
“But, they placed in there, that in the events of the deaths of any of the beneficiaries, that the contents of the will be slated equally between the living.”
“And you?” Mustard looked at the butler, “Were you in it?”
He smiled, “Obviously not. Otherwise I’d be dead. Dead as any of the others.”
Violet snarled, “Who killed them then?”
The Butler grinned, “Trixie Lulamoon”
Navy Model buried her face in her hooves, crying bitterly. “Now I’m going to be condemned for bad showmareship. I’m never getting another show!”
Lord Chestnut put a comforting hoof on her shoulders, “No one’s condemning you Miss.”
Smiles nodded, “You’ve only got six charges of murder on you. The judge will understand.”
Trixie looked up, her grey-violet eyes clouded with tears and hope.
The two grinned evilly, “No. You’ll rot in jail for the rest of your life.”
DING-A-LING!
Smiles checked the grandfather clock, “Ah, right on time.” He trotted to the door, opening it up.
“Is this the residence of Prince FoxTrot?” a burly voice rang through the door.
“Yes, thank you for coming.” Smiles stood to the side of the door, letting the dark brown Pegasus in. He was followed by two white Unicorn guards. “You’ll find the dead bodies of Prince FoxTrot, Rainbow Dash, Gilda, Shining Armor, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie in the living room and cellar, respectively.”
“Who killed them?” One of the Unicorns asked, “Unless it was you all.”
Trixie found six hooves pointed her way, then felt magic binding her hooves as she was led out of the manor, between the two Unicorns.
“Nopony’s condemning you.” Smiles called out the door again, “YET!”
He slammed the door, “Never did like her kiss-flank shows. Anyway, let’s help these two fine Gentlecolts with the bodies.”
Ending C:
STOP! THIS IS AN ENDING! GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING UNLESS LINKED HERE BY THE MAIN STORY!
“In the dark.” Smiles took a deep breath, flopping down on the floor, “Woof. In the dark, the murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the Curtain Tug, and the lead pipe, ran to the cellar, Strangled Candace, ran to library, and stabbed Shining Armor with the pipe. Then, coming out of the library, the doorbell rang--it was the singing telegram. The murderer picked up the gun where Chestnut dropped it, ran to the door, opened it, recognized the girl from her picture, shot her, and ran back to the Living Room!
“The Living Room!” Six voices again.
Smiles nodded, “Yes.”
“But Navy wasn't in there.” Mustard sat on her haunches, chest heaving.
“No. But you were.” Smiles stared at her.
“So?”
“You murdered them all, Mustard Fire. You were the person who was missing when Rainbow Dash and FoxTrot were murdered.”
“Why?” the Pegasus looked around, “Why would I have murdered all of the others? There's no proof.”
“Well. My Vorpal Blade has vanished. Gentlecolts, turn out your pockets. Fillies, Likewise to your saddlebags. Whoever has the blade is the murderer.”
Spitfire sighed pulling from the plant where she discarded it earlier. She brandished it like a sword. “What do you propose to do about it?” She started towards the double doors leading outside.
Smiles laid on the cool inviting floor, “Nothing.” He sighed, “I think we’re all too tired.”
She looked at the guests, all either sleeping, or exhausted by the evening. “Nothing.” She echoed.
“Nothing at all. I don't approve of murder. But it seems to me that we’re all too tired to do anything to stop you.”
“But the Royal Guard will be here any minute.” Violet perked up a little, “What happens then?”
“Why should they come? Nobody's called them.”
Ten eyes snapped open.
“You mean . . .” Lord Chestnut turned to look the butler in the eye
“Now,” Smiles nodded, “I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly, one at a time, and pretend than none of this has ever happened.”
“Great idea!” Spitfire set the Vorpal Blade on the bench by the door; I'll leave first . . . if you don't mind.”
“Be my guest.” Smiles nodded to the door, In fact, I think we all owe you a vote of thanks.”
“For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow.”
Spitfire took one incredulous look around, hardly believing her eyes and ears. They were sitting on the floor, not even going to try to stop her.
“Okay, well, I’m going to go now. Big plans for tomorrow. See you.” She opened the door, looking back at the ponies still lying, sitting, or leaning on each other, singing of how good of a fellow she was.
As soon Spitfire slammed door shut, the party stopped singing.
“You let her go?” Violet glared at the butler, “We all let her go because we’re all too tired to do anything?”
Smiles held up a hoof, “Shh, listen.”
It took them a moment, but they eventually heard it.
Cupcaaaakesss!
Spitfires’ scream of terror, then after a moment of pain, reached the horrified ears of the surviving guests.
“Ah thought you said she wouldn’t kill nopony.” Scarlet turned to the butler, “Ah don’t thank that’s not killin’s.”
Smiles gave a tired nod, “Aye, but FoxTrot is dead. Kind of hard to make a dead pony mad.”
All gave a nod of agreement, then, one by one, they fell asleep in the hooves of the pony next to them.
Ending D:
STOP! THIS IS AN ENDING! GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING UNLESS LINKED HERE BY THE MAIN STORY!
“This is incredible!”
“Not so incredible as what happened next!” Smiles stopped in the middle of the hall, chest heaving to catch his breath. Grey Cloud sat next to him.
“After we all split up again, I went upstairs with you, yes, you, Violet!” He pointed a hoof at the Unicorn, “And, while I was in the master bedroom you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the Curtain Tug from the open cupboard, and throttled Cadance!”
“Did not!” she looked at the butler, “Lord Chestnut can attest to that!”
“Scarlet seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where he killed Shining Armor!
“True or false?”
“So it must have been Mustard who shot the singing telegram!”
“Well, there's nobody else left.”
“But I didn't do it!” She turned, giving an epiphany, “The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!”
“I shot her.” They turned to look at the pony who spoke, gun strapped to their inner hoof.
“You?!” Four voices gawked in amazement.
“So it was you.” Lord Chestnut’s chest puffed out, “I was going to expose you.”
“I know. So I choose to expose myself.”
“Please, there are ladies present!” Grey threw her hooves to the floor.
“You thought FoxTrot was dead.” Smiles pointed a hoof, “But you failed to realize that he can’t die. You just merely help him gain his Elemental Status.”
All looked around, Navy lowered her pistol to the floor.
“Then what about the other three?” Grey asked, “Gilda an’ Pinkie and Rainbow Dash?”
Smiles pointed a hoof at the Pegasus, “They were murdered by nopony here. Sadly, with all the mucking about I made us all do, we gave them more than ample time to get away.”
All stomped their hooves after a second of silence. “What about the Guard?”
Smiles shook his head, “Why should they come? Nopony's called them.”
“You mean,” Navy’s face lit up, “Celestia, of course!
“And just leave all these ponies to be left alone until they rot, forgotten in some mansion’s cellar?” Lord Chestnut stood to his full height.
“Of course.” Smiles mirrored the stallion’s expression, “Why not?”
“Well, I'll tell you why not.” He whirled around, cracking Smiles full in the chest with his back hooves.
“Good kick Doctor.” Smiles held a hoof to his bleeding head, “Very good . . .”
“I told you I didn't do it!” Mustard looked around, eyes falling away from the dead butler.
Hired Hooves and Dead Delinquents
“Could it be the guard already?” Chestnut threw the pistol into the remains of the chandelier.
“Couldn’t. They still have forty-five minutes.” Smiles turned away from the grandfather clock. “Must be a sales pony. We tend to get those.”
Smiles shook his mane into his buzzed-out fashion, “Good evening sir.”
“Good evening. Is the Stallion of the house around?”
Smiles opened his eyes, starting backwards at who was at the door. “Um. Well, you see- ah…”
“Shinny!” Violet shoved the butler out of the way to embrace her brother, “How are you?”
Shining Armor returned her hug, “I’ve been fine, Twi-lee. I just haven’t been able to write.” He looked at Smiles, “There’s a crashed chariot down at the bottom of the hill. Does it belong to anyone here?”
Grey Cloud nodded sheepishly, “I crashed it because of the storm.”
The Captain of the Guard nodded, “Can I please come in and use your fire place? Messaging reasons.”
Smiles gave his characteristic smile again, “Of course you may, sir! You may use the one in the, um... no. Uh, you could use the one in the stud... no. Uh, uh, would you be kind enough to wait in the, um, in-in the, um, uh library?”
Shining Armor locked eyes with the Butler, “Yeah, I can.” He broke apart from his younger sister, trotting into the hall. He shook water from his mane.
SLAM!
“Sorry, captain.” His head turned to Mustard, leaning in the doorway to the Living Room, “I slipped.”
BANG!
“Blasted door.” Chestnut smiled, “Never does stay open.”
Shining Armor looked around, “What’s going on here? Why are you all so nervous?”
Grey Cloud pointed to the remains of the chandelier. “It was the light. It falled. Nearly killed us.”
He nodded, “Yeah, I hear you.”
“This way to the library sir.” Smiles gestured to the open door, “The fireplace is on the far wall.”
The Guard gave a word of thanks, trotting into the circular room.
SLAM! Click.
“That should keep him safe.” Smiles pocket another key, “Now no one can get in but me.”
Navy looked at him, “And if YOU are the killer?”
Smiles sighed, “And I thought I made it clear. I. DON’T. KILL. PONIES!”
Grey Cloud stomped her hoof “PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that Guard out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?”
Violet placed a comforting hoof around the frantic Pegasus “How can we throw him outside in this weather?”
Chestnut shook his head, “If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!”
Purple eyes met blue, “If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!”
Mustard stepped between the two “If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!”
Grey Cloud broke away from Violet’s hug, voice breaking from hysteria “Oh, who cares? That guard doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another hour. The rest will be here by then... and there is THREE DEAD BODIES IN THE LIVING ROOM!”
Everypony held their hooves against Grey’s mouth, trying to get her to not reveal any more.
Smiles grimaced towards the door, which stayed silent. “Okay, so. I’m going to go clean the blood from the kitchen, just in case he wants to poke around. The rest of you--”
Suddenly the library door started rattling “Let me out of here! Let me out of here!” Shining Armor started spouting, “You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing a guard in the course of his duty... and MURDER!”
Smiles dove to the door, unlocking it and throwing it open, “What do you mean... murder?” He gave an innocent smile.
“I just said it so you would open the door.” Shining Armor adjusted his bracket,”What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving letters from Princess Luna?”
“That’s right! The Princess of the Night? The Queen of Shadows?”
Mustard looked at the butler, “How does Luna have access to your fireplace?”
Smiles shrugged, “I don't know, she's on everypony else's, why shouldn't she be on mine?”
He trotted into the library, picking up a small smoking letter that was sitting on the table.
“May I take a look around?” Shining Armor looked at Mustard, “I’ve only seen this place from the outside, you see.”
Mustard gave a nervous smile and nod, “Yes. Come with me.” She took the guard by the hoof, leading him around.
“Okay. Here’s the door to the Library, that’s the door to the bathroom, the Dining Room, and over there, under the stairs, is the door to the Kitchen. Up the stairs are the Bedrooms. And that is the entire mansion.”
Shining armor gestured towards the two doors across from them, “What's going on in those two rooms?”
Mustard tried to feign innocence, “Uhh... which two rooms?”
“THOSE two rooms.”
Mustard smacked her forehead, “Ohhh, those two rooms. Ahh... well.” She pulled the guard back when he started towards the doors, “Sir! I don't think you should go in there.”
He shook her hoof from him, “Why not?”
Mustard tapped her hoof, “Uhh... Because it's all too shocking!”
He snorted, opening the door to the living room.
“Sir!” Mustard dove behind him, “I can ex-”
Mustard took one look around, her jaw dropping to the floor.
Grey Cloud was on top of FoxTrot, moving her head around in a passionate kiss. His sand-blue hoof was stroking her pale yellow mane, the other on her flank.
There was slight movement from the curtains, revealing Scarlet making out with Rainbow dash in the curtain, her cyan hooves wrapped around his waist.
“Well,” Shining Armor grinned, “Nothing wrong with having fun.” He closed the door, muttering about privacy. “What about the Recreation Room?”
Mustard smiled, “What room?” She was gently pushed out of the way as he trotted to the room next to them.
He opened the door, poking his head inside. Violet and Lord Chestnut were laying atop one of the benches, entwined so tight, Mustard thought they would never get back apart.
“This griffon’s drunk.” Shining Armor levitated an empty cider mug, “Dead drunk.”
“Dead right.” Violet nodded from beneath Lord Chestnut.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Shining Armor recoiled from the two of them, “WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU DOING?”
“Having fun.” She backed up, “Nothing wrong with it?”
Shining Armor’s nostrils smoked, “I will not permit you to start kissing completely strange stallions.”
“Oh then well.” The other stallion trotted to the angry guard, “I am Lord Chestnut.”
Shining armor glared at Chestnut, “As in the chestnut nut?”
He grinned, “Exactly.”
Two white hooves snagged a chestnut hoof, “Well, then, my fine lord, have at it.”
He nodded once, trotting out of the steaming room.
Of which Smiles caught. His eyes widened in panic, “Sir, I can explain everything.”
“You don't have to.” Shining Armor grinned, patting the butler on the shoulder.
Smiles backed up a step, “I don't?”
The Guard smiled, “Don't worry; there's nothing illegal about any of this.”
“Are you sure?” This conversation was getting weirder and weirder.
“Of course, this is Equestria! It's a free country, don't you know that?”
Smiles gave another nervous smile, “I didn't know it was THAT free.”
“Hey, do you have some parchment and a quill I can use? I need to send a letter off.”
“Yes, of course.”Smiles gestured to the library again, “In the top drawer.”
Shining Armor locked himself in the library, leaving Smiles to turn to the group now exiting the Living Room.
They got back into their groups, resuming their search. Grey and Mustard looking back in the bedrooms upstairs, Navy and Scarlet took to the study once more, with the two hired hooves trotting to the attic, leaving Violet and Chestnut to their search of the cellar.
Grey and Mustard trotted to the room across from what could have been FoxTrot’s room, going into what looked to be Smile’s room. It was much brighter than FoxTrot’s. Beige walls, light brown carpet. Pink drapes.
“This guy must have it in for Fluttershy.” Mustard picked a small picture up of a yellow Pegasus, hoof in hoof with the butler. She seemed to be hiding from the camera, her pink mane making her stand out to the Wonderbolt.
The grey Pegasus crawled away from the bed, “There’s something under it. I’m scared.”
Mustard bent low, and, sure enough, there was a black creature below it.
“Ah, come on Grey.” Mustard picked it up, “It’s only a stuffed animal.”
Grey sighed, “I thought it was something scary.”
Mustard snickered, tossing it on her flank.
“EEEE!” She bucked out hard, sending the stuffed bat across the room, where it hit a wall with a dusty thud.
“Don’t do that!” Grey yelled at the hysterical Pegasus.
“You should have seen the look on your face!” Mustard gasped for breath, “You were all, EE!”
Her laugher died instantly when the lights went out.
Smiles and Cadance were examining one of the spare suits of armor, “I never even knew we had this.”
“Yeah, tends to happen when you’re only here half the time.” Smiles put the helmet back on the rack, “Luna enjoys it up here.”
They looked around; trying to find any place the killer could have hidden.
“Eek!” Cadance whirled, sending her hoof against the black spider that landed on her flank.
“It’s nothing but a spider, Caddy.” Smiles said, “Don’t be such a baby.”
The lights suddenly went out on the two.
“EEEEEEEEE!”
“Who’s a baby now, Smiles?”
Navy and Scarlet slowly opened the door to the Study. “What if they’re in here?”
Scarlet shrugged, nudging her ahead.
“Okay, seriously. I bet you a hundred bits you’ll say at least five words in my presence only.”
He grinned as the navy mare turned around. “Miss Navy?”
“What?” she snapped, whirling to meet his green eyes.
“You lose.” He smirked. His face soon vanished in the darkness that hit them both.
Shining Armor sighed, lighting his horn, “If I can get my hooves on those Pegasi…” He bent back over the letter he was writing to his parents.
“Dear Princess Luna” He muttered, “I hope this finds you well. You know the mansion on--”
The stallion hit the table, dead before he heard the roll of thunder.
Princess Cadance teleported to the breaker room, illuminating the switch board that held all the words that would bring light back to the mansion.
“Main power, main power.” She muttered, almost hearing the crash of thunder, “Ah, here it is!” She flicked it back on with a hoof, and then turned into the other ponies face.
“Oh, hey!” she said, “I thought I heard some--”
She fell to the ground, not hearing her killer laughing and trotting away from her corpse.
Pinkie Pie looked at the mansion. “Well, here we go.” She pulled the rope to the bell, waiting patiently for someone to answer.
The door creaked open. That’s your cue! she told herself.
“This is your singing telegram
I hope it finds you well
You're invited to a party
'cause I think you're really swell!”
Equestria’s Greatest Party Pony fell to the ground slower than she ever could have alive.
Smiles blinked in the sudden return of light. “Thanks Caddy.” He looked behind him. “Caddy?”
“Where did you go?” He trotted back out the door and down the steps. He magicked the panel back in place, looking over at the balcony.
“Well SOMEPONY had to do it!” Navy was yelling at Scarlet right outside the study’s door, “lights don’t ‘just go out’!”
“Kids.” Smiles trotted down the stairs, stepping between the two ponies, “Relax. The lights are back on, and now we need to regroup.”
Eventually, all seven ponies were back in the living room with the two corpses of Rainbow Dash and FoxTrot.
“So, there was nopony in the attic.” Smiles said, straining his ears for Cadance.
“Nor in the Library, Study, or Dining Room.” Navy looked at Violet and Chestnut, “You two find anything?”
They shook their heads, “All three rooms were empty. Except for a jar of candy.”
“Yeah,” Chestnut got a sad, dreamy look in his eyes, “but it’s empty now.”
“I didn’t find anything,” Grey Cloud said, “I dunno about Mustard.”
“You were right with me, Grey.” Mustard shook her head, “There was a chest in FoxTrot’s room that tried to strangle me.”
Smiles nodded, “FoxTrot put a charm on that chest when he still had his horn. It will attack anyone that tries to open it but him. It even will attack me.”
“Oh,” Mustard’s head fell, “Then we didn’t find anything.”
“Anypony hear that?” Chestnut’s ears flickered, “Sounds like somepony left a tap running.”
They followed the noise to the library where they found him.
Shining Armor lay over the desk, the pipe shoved into his throat. The parchment he was writing was floating atop the river of blood all over the desk, the floor, and even trickling into the fireplace.
“Well,” Mustard said, “I guess we’d better send his letter of as a dying wish.”
Grey Could stared horrified at her partner, “How can you make jokes at a time like this?”
“Some defense.” Grey shuddered. “If I was the killer, I would try killing you next.”
"Oh?”
Grey Cloud felt six pairs of eyes on her face, “I said, "if". IF!”
The six shrugged her off.
“Where’s Cadance?” Violet asked, “Wasn’t she with you?”
Smiles nodded, “She went to the breaker room in the cellar to turn the lights back on. She never returned.”
They all trotted to the cellar, where Smiles flicked the light on.
They hardly reacted seeing her;
The Curtain Tug was wrapped around her neck, then hung one if the pipes. Her face was almost black, and a drop of blood was perched on the side of her mouth.
They slowly closed the door, leaving the Alicorn in total darkness.
“Well, where did the killer go?” Navy asked, “If it wasn’t any of us, I mean.”
“I heard the door slam.” Smiles said, “Shortly before the lights came on. I thought it was another thunder roll.”
They trotted back up the stairs, coming across her body too.
The entire top of her head was gone. Both of her blue eyes were lying in clear puddles next to a vase. Parts of pink flesh were strewn everywhere, and a leg was missing from her corpse.
“Cerebus!” Smiles yanked the leg from the guardian dog.
“Take them into the living room with everypony else.” Smiles tossed the pony’s leg onto the couch. “I think I know who did it.”
“Who?” All six voices rang out. Smiles shook a hoof.
Smiles spun around, galloping though the hall, skidding to a stop after throwing the kitchen door open.
A flash of white, and Smiles was breathlessly galloping towards the massive double doors, “And the doorbell rang . . . and it was you, Violet Scholar!”
Princess Celestia’s student nodded, “Yes it was--”
“And then Lord Chestnut came to the door.” He threw the doors open again, “Frightened by the thunder, he took off to the Living Room.” He does so, with the confused ponies breathlessly galloping in tow.
“I came in across Caddy and Violet greeting each other.” Smiles jumped into the living room,
He stared back at the guests, “And the doorbell rang again! And it was Navy Model, on the brink of pneumonia, and I took her coat, and made off!”
The Butler galloped to the living room again, “And, to make a long story short—”
The guests shook their heads, “Too late!”
“--one by one, you all arrived.” Smiles continues, ignoring the six’s intervention, “Then Rainbow Dash called dinner out! And we went into the dining room!”
Smiles booked it to the dining room, sitting in the respective chairs. “And Mustard Fire here, and Lord Chestnut sat here . . . and Navy Model sat here …” He imitated her slurping her soup, the rambled on, “And Grey Cloud, Scarlet Worker, Violet Scholar! That chair was vacant.” He pointed to the one FoxTrot sat in.
“After a moment, I stood back up and let FoxTrot in, of whom I introduced to the six of you.” He smiled, “Violet started to ask what they were doing. I cut her off, FoxTrot finished his meal, and I--”
“We went to the Living Room.” He bolted back out the door, sliding on the floor of the Hall.
“AND!” Smiles threw the bodies from the couch, gesturing to the different seats, “Scarlet stood here, and Chestnut here, and Mustard here, and Violet here, and Navy, and Grey, and--”
“I'm getting there, I'm getting there!” Smiles defended to the group, “And FoxTrot and I gave you your presents, of which you opened! And FoxTrot switched out the lights!” Smiles slammed his hoof on the light switch, bathing everyone in total darkness.
When Chestnut turned the lights back on, Smiles lay on the ground unmoving.
“Son of a--” Mustard started to curse, slamming her hooves on the coffee table, “Who did it?”
“FoxTrot lay on the floor, apparently dead.”
“Eek!”
Lord Chestnut threw his hooves up, “He was dead! I examined him!”
“Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already?”
Chestnut thought a moment, then sighed, “All right, I made a mistake.”
Smiles pointed at the Time Lord, “Right! But if so, why was FoxTrot pretending to be dead? It could only be because he realized his scheme had misfired, and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me. Look!” He pulled FoxTrot up, pointing to a circular hole in the host’s ear, “The bullet grazed his ear. Clearly his best way of escaping death was to pretend to be dead already.”
Mustard nodded, “So whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill HIM!”
Smiles shook his head, “But remember what happened next. Grey Cloud took a drink, Chestnut said, ‘Maybe it's poisoned!’ She screams!” He imitated a falsetto scream, threw the Grey Pegasus onto the ottoman. Without hesitating, he brings his hoof against her cheek, “Well . . . I had to stop her screaming . . .” He imitated Navy Model, and then whirled around, “Then--more screaming--Caddy--the Library! We all rushed out!”
As they do now.
Smiles was sitting on the table, having thrown Shining Armor’s corpse to the floor, “But one of us . . . wasn't here.” He gave another sly grin, “Maybe one of us was murdering the cook. Who wasn't here with us?”
There was a slight pause, “Do you know?”
Smiles nodded, “I do. While we stood here, trying to stop Yvette from panicking,” Smiles galloped across the hall, “one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger galloped down the Hall,” They followed the butler, all gasping for breath.
“And dissected Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh, how could he risk it?” Navy asked, “We might have seen him running back.”
“Not if they used this secret passage.” Smiles pulled the hook, and then kicked the panel in.”And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the Library!”
He bolted all guests in tow. They hit the portrait adorning the wall.
“This house belongs to a friend of mine.” The butler shrugged “I've known all along.”
Navy slung a hoof around the workhorse, “We found it. Scarlet and me.”
“Because!” The two bickering mares jumped at Smiles’ outburst, “she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Caddy was screaming, don't you remember?”
Chestnut turned back towards the Butler, “But where and when was FoxTrot killed?”
Smiles smiled, “Don't you see?” He roughly grabbed the Time Lord, dragging him about, “Look, we came back to the study with Caddy.” He shoved the stallion to the floor, “pretending to be dead. But one of us noticed he's alive. So. I explained that I was FoxTrot's butler, and I'd invited you here, and we realized there was only one other person in the house.”
“Rainbow Dash!”
Smiles nodded to the tumult, teleporting to the kitchen. The others had no choice but to run to the Kitchen.
The door slowly opened, and the Butler fell into the hooves of the scared Pegasus.
Navy Model screamed, not noticing his eyes opening.
“By now, she was dead. We laid her down with our backs to the freezer. One of us slipped through the same secret passage—“
“Again?” The Showmare’s shoulders slumped.
“The murderer was in the secret passage.” He explained on the run, “Meanwhile, FoxTrot,” He once more grabs Lord Chestnut, throwing him back on the floor, “had been on the floor. He jumped up,” Yellow aura lifted him up, and then vanished. “The murderer came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick,”
Smiles levitate the candlestick, galloping after Lord Chestnut, who probably was not acting his look of panic.
“FoxTrot followed us out of the study into the Hall, looking for an escape. The murderer crept up behind him and . . . killed him!!”
“Will you stop that!!?” Lord Chestnut wrenched the silver weapon from Smiles, rubbing his head.
“No. Then . . . he threw him into the toilet!” Smiles kicked the stallion into the room, pretending to check a watch. “And nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute.
“So who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?” Grey Cloud looked at the bathroom door.
“Whoever it was, is the murderer!” Smiles galloped off excitedly, four guests in tow.
“And we put the weapons in the cupboard, locked it, and ran to the front door . . .” Smiles yelled, running the two ponies over on his way to the front doors, “To throw away the key! Then appeared Gilda! I didn't throw the key away--I put it in my pocket.” He mimicked placing the key in his vest pocket, “And somepony could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another!”
They ran back into the Living Room, where Smiles threw the weapons cache open, They unlocked it with the key, took out the Guitar—“
Navy gasped, “Then we found the secret passage from the Library to the Recreation Room where we found Gilda dead!
“That's right! And we couldn't get in. So Caddy rain to the open cupboard, and shot the door open. BANG! And then, the doorbell rang!”
DING-A-LING
Grey cloud emitted a sound rather like a bassoon, “Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed!”
They trotted to the door, where they found the young Pegasus.
“Um, excuse me.” Everypony had to lean in to hear what she was saying. “I was wondering if, um, you would adopt a young animal.”
“What?” Navy gave an incredulous look at the yellow Pegasus.
“You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.” Scarlet tried to close the door, but she held it open.
“EEEEKK!”
“Get your hooves off me!”
“Beg yer pardon miss.”
Smiles gave an innocent smile, restoring the precious light. “Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you.”
“You're a bit late for that!” Lord Chestnut turned to Grey, “I hate it when he does that!”
“Then there were three more murders.” Smiles said, looking at each of the guests.
“So…” Navy moved her hoof in a circle “which of us killed them?
Ending A: