Discord lay in his bed, his eyes wide open, his draconequus body curled upon himself as he lay awake, his thoughts preventing him from falling into the slumber he so craved. As always the two sides of him fought, it had been that way since he’d been reformed. His old self fighting with the new for reformation was not as simple as many thought. It was hard to ignore the instincts he’d followed his whole life. Those thoughts and feelings that had fueled him to create chaos. Chaos is inherently selfish it cares not who gets in its way, but only for the complete lack of sense it so desires.
Having friends he had to think of others. They might not like it if he made it rain fish, or switched their voices, so he should not do it for the sake of the friendship. That didn’t stop him from creating some chaos, though it did prevent him from turning Equestria into a madhouse. There was no one his thought more of than Fluttershy. Whenever he wanted to do something he would wonder what her reaction would be. would she approve?
It was this inner turmoil that caused him to turn on the elements. To be honest he didn’t really consider anyone but Fluttershy as true friend at that point and when Tirek offered him the ability to do whatever he wanted, his chaotic side seized upon the opportunity. He had never had so much fun. Finally he was free to be himself without restraint, the feeling was exhilarating . Then he had betrayed them. As he looked into Fluttershy’s eyes his part of him couldn’t help but wince. This was his best friend his only true friend and the look in her eyes was so… broken, but his chaotic side was in charge and it didn’t care.
Then Tirek betrayed him, and he felt the same heartbreak he had seen in Fluttershy’s eyes. No longer was his chaotic side in charge, it had fled leaving nothing more than a heart broken guilty reformed half. He had thought about many things in that time of weakness. How he had screwed up and ruined everything, How his chaotic nature had made him shortsighted. How he had hurt the person he cared about the most. When Twilight told Tirek to let him go he didn’t feel like he deserved it, not that he wasn’t grateful he just didn’t feel quite right about it. He did his best to make up for it helping Twilight open the box, afterwards he watched as the friends triumphed over Tirek.
He had thought he was over it by then, after all when one screws up so badly, they should take the lesson to heart, but his other side was still there and the resulting clash between them was the reason he was lying there sinking into his inner confusion. The events of,and leading up to, the grand galloping gala.
When Fluttershy had mentioned going to the dance with another friend his first instinct had been to either throw Tree Hugger into another dimension, or to take Fluttershy to another dimension so she would be his friend and his alone. His newer side tempered him though, explaining Fluttershy's reaction to such thing. So he tried to get a ticket some other way. If there was one thing both his sides agreed upon it was that he had to be there for the gala. His attempts sadly, failed. When he received his own ticket he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to get Fluttershy to notice him, or barring that make Tree Hugger realize he was closer to Fluttershy than she was. As the evening went on he was growing even more frustrated, and when the final straw came to pass he had regressed back to former selfish self. In that moment he didn't care what Fluttershy thought. He wanted Tree Hugger gone and if he had to throw her into another dimension then so be it. Fluttershy showed him the error of his actions, she showed him just how selfish he was being. Once Fluttershy pointed this out to him he felt ashamed.
So now he was lying there fighting with himself. Falling deeper and deeper into his own mind , There he struggled to come to terms with what he had done, his selfish side spoke to him and Discord found the voice horrible and yet compelling.
‘I have no rights to Fluttershy she has other friends.’
‘'But i don’t want to share her with anyone else’
‘Fluttershy wouldn’t want me to treat her that way’
‘Who cares what she wants.’
‘I do!’
‘You want her all to yourself though don’t you?’
‘I-I’
‘So what’s that problem?’
‘The problem is that I want Fluttershy to be my friend because she wants to be not because I make her. I want her to like me for who i am, not because I broke her. I may be you and you may be me but there is one large difference between us.’
‘Oh and what is that?’
‘I have a conscience.’
‘A conscience how quaint, did they teach you that in one of their little ‘friendship lessons.’
‘Yes and it has proven to be a valuable tool allowing me to separate my needs from my actions, at least most of the time.’
‘Again I must ask you why it matters? You never cared before.’
‘I didn't have any friends before, Fluttershy’s a good friend a better one than I deserve. i really screwed up with Tirek. I betrayed them, betrayed her and she never once saw it coming. She trusted me, believed in me and I broke that trust. I took her soft gentle heart and tore it from her chest. Equestria was nearly destroyed for what I did, and even after all that she forgave me. That’s why I care.’
The voice faded silenced for now, but Discord knew it would be back. It always was.
