I'm Trying To Write A Story Here

by SchrodingerFu

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 4799

Twilight Sparkle is interrupting while I try to tell this story about her.

I had a story. It was a great story. Then Twilight Sparkle decided to go ruin that. Why did she have to hear me? Why couldn't she just assume she was going crazy like any other pony would have?

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I, the mighty writer of this very story, was narrating as usual when Twilight Sparkle happened to hear me. Now, it would be in bad storytelling form to spoil what happens next, but suffice to say, hilarity ensues.

Published 2012-05-23 19:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-09 04:13:04 UTC

Chapter The First

It was a beautiful night for staying indoors. It was a particularly dark, stormy evening, and nopony in town was exactly eager to trudge through the cold film of water which had fallen over all of Ponyville. Well, except maybe for some young fillies. They all love to stomp around in puddles, don't they? They probably do.

Of course, as a filly, Twilight Sparkle had never partaken in such boorish pastimes. She hated the cold and the darkness of a powerful storm. In fact, she had spent a significant amount of her young life ensuring that she would be able to avoid them if at all possible.

Despite the scheduled downpour, Twilight Sparkle was excited. Now, while this seems to contradict what I had just stated, Twilight Sparkle now had a place of refuge, a corner of the town where she found solace: her library home. Save for that one sleepover, a nice rainy day was just about the only time she could study peacefully in solitude without fear of interruption. Spike had long since learned not to interrupt when her attention was focused on a book.

She scanned the numerous shelves for a new, interesting tome to read. She had made it a goal of hers to read every book in the library. She certainly had a long way to go, but she was persistent, as one should be when accomplishing any goal.

Her eyes settled on a thin, blue coilbound text. Twilight's horn and the book glowed a dim purple, and it slipped out from the wooden shelves and into the air before her. She whispered the title aloud, “The efficiency of rainfall with regard to plant life in Ponyville.” It looked less like a published book than a scientific study. Twilight didn't care much for botany, but the scientific procedure had always excited her, and it never hurt to learn something new.

With a smile, Twilight sat upon the foor to begin reading. Little did she know, she would soon be far too preoccupied to finish. Very soon, Twilight Sparkle would embark on yet another exciting adventure with her friends.

Now, all we need is a way to begin.

Dammit. Not four hundred words in and I've written myself into a corner. All I need is something to kick off the story, but I've got nothing.

This is certainly a terrible way to start.

Twilight's attention turned away from her book for a moment. “What?”

...Excuse me?

“To start what?”

Oh, no. No no no no no. How did... She can't just... Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. I'm in quite the mess now.

“Who are you talking to?”

Twilight, stop asking questions. I need to...

“How do you know my name? And where are you? And who are you?

If I'm not mistaken, I just told you to stop asking questions. Just pretend like you didn't hear anything.

“What? No!”

“I know you're still there!”

No, I'm not here. I'm not anywhere. Now for your own good, ignore what I am saying and go about your business. Read that book.

“...Tell me who you are.”

Ooh, getting a bit cross, are we? Fine. If you really want to know, I shall reveal my identity, but I won't guarantee you'll like it. Now, as the avid reader I know you are, you surely must have read at least one work of fiction, yes?

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Just answer the question.

“...Yes, I've read plenty of novels.”

Good. Then surely you know how a story works. A few established characters in a defined setting encounter a problem or conflict of some sort which they must overcome in some way.

“I much prefer informative books, but yes, that's how most stories work.”

I'm glad you're loosening up a bit. Naturally, you should know how an author writes a story. They imagine these characters in this setting and how they would react to the conflict. Then they put their ideas down to paper.

“...Alright.”

Well, I am just that. I am an author, writing a story centered around you and your friends here in Ponyville.

“Oh. Well, I'm flattered. But that doesn't really explain how I can hear you...”

Stop blushing, I'm not finished. While I obviously did not invent you or anypony else in Equestria, someone else did. You, along with Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Spike, and even Princesses Luna and Celestia are all creations. Figments of the imagination. Everything you do and have ever done was thought up by authors like me. Mind you, authors with much more talent than me, but authors nonetheless. You are fictional, Twilight Sparkle.

“...”

I told you you'd regret knowing.

“...No. That's crazy. That's impossible! That's...”

Oh, Twilight. You were never one to mindlessly agree. Remember the Pinkie Sense? Good times.

Twilight glared in no particular direction.

Don't worry about it so much. I'll be merciful. You strive for knowledge, so I'm going to enlighten you. Go look outside.

Twilight peered out the nearest window. To her surprise, it was a gorgeous sunny day. Little fillies were running and playing on the grass, and her five closest friends were heading straight for her front door.

She ran to her door to greet her friends, but her only greeting was the rapid pounding of rain on the ground along with a distant flash of lightning. Nopony was outside, much less playing or having fun.

“But... How did...”

I told you already. I am the storyteller. I control what happens.

“But...”

Free will doesn't exist, Twilight Sparkle. Everything you do is designed in the mind of another. In this case, myself.

Her eyes began to well up.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that's just how it is. Sorry.

Twilight couldn't hold it in any longer. She broke out into tears, darting out the library door and into the pouring rain. The thick wooden door swung idly on its hinges.

Ooh, we wouldn't want a cold library.

A gust of wind blew through the doorway causing the door to close.

Much better.

Oh, I should probably go after her, shouldn't I? Ah well. I'll do it later. Maybe next chapter. Stay tuned, readers!

Chapter The Next

Twilight Sparkle never came to terms with the revelation that she didn't actually exist. She was driven to madness and died weeks later deep within the Everfree Forest, surrounded by a number of large leaves and various carvings in the dirt. These carvings all read something like “EVERYTHING IS A LIE” and “OPEN YOUR EYES” and “THE VOICE IN MY HEAD IS INCREDIBLY SUAVE AND SEDUCTIVE”.

Oh, no, wait. She's just whimpering in an alley out behind Sugarcube Corner. Hang on, I'll get her.

Hey Twilight. Stop moping. You've got things to do.

“I do not,” Twilight moaned, “Go away.”

Listen, I've got a great story here, and I'm going to tell it come hell or high water.

Twilight let her head sink into the dirt.

Alright, Twilight. Time for a philosophy lesson. Do you think that Ponyville really exists?

She raised her head. Her mane was already caked with dirt, “Well... Not really, any more...”

Well, did you think that Ponyville really existed yesterday?

Twilight's puzzlement overpowered her sadness, “Well, yes, I suppose I did. Where are you going with this?”

You'll see. Did you know that Ponyville really existed yesterday?

“I thought I knew...” she looked down again.

Exactly. You thought you knew, but you didn't. Therein lies the lesson, Miss Sparkle. Nothing is guaranteed to be true. Anything and everything can change at a moment's notice. And when I'm at the helm, it often does.

Twilight's eyebrows creased, “Well, that seems like quite the negative approach to life.”

Hold on, you haven't heard the best part. Do you really exist?

Twilight paused for a moment to think.

What are you doing?

“Just thinking about it.”

Exactly. You, my dear pony, can think. Moreover, you can think independently from anyone or anything else. This is important. Let's assume that all of Equestria is just an illusion of your senses, barring for a moment that that is a fact. You think you see or hear or feel something, but it isn't really there. Of course, you'd have no way of knowing that Equestria isn't real, but that's the point. You have no way of knowing if everything you can see and hear really exists. The only thing you can know for certain is that you exist, because you can think. No one can falsely experience conscious thought.

Twilight was stunned. She had never thought of life that way. She had never really been interested in philosophy at all, but what she had heard made sense.

I believe it was Francis Bacon who coined the phrase, “I think, therefore I am.”

“Who's Francis Bacon?”

Doesn't matter.

Twilight snapped to attention when she noticed a discrepancy, “Wait a minute, back in the library you said I didn't exist!”

Twilight, know this. You cannot trust anyone or anything, least of all me. Where I come from, I am a legendary liar.

She sighed.

Now, you'd best get to bed, or at least get out of this rain. There's a big party in the morning.

“What? No there isn't. I'm sure Pinkie Pie would've said something...” She thought for a moment, “Wait a minute! This is another lie, isn't it?”

We'll see.

Twilight began the trek home across town. She could hardly hear her own hooves clopping against the pavement over the torrential rainfall, which only seemed to grow stronger as she walked. The strain from her earlier panicked run started to set in, making each step a struggle. She wasn't exactly an athletic pony, after all.

Twilight mindlessly pushed the library door open. She was mentally and physically exhausted. All she wanted was to go to sleep. A folded towel fell directly on her head, knocking her out of her stupor. She glanced upward, but she saw only the roof of her library. She used her horn to unfold it and began to dry her mane and body, giving a small grin.

You're welcome.

Without saying a word, Twilight shuffled up the stairs and into her bed. She let out a single deep breath before closing her eyes and succumbing to the world of dreams.

Say what you want about me, but I'm not cruel.

“Twilight! Twilight!! Wake up!” Pinkie Pie was hopping outside of Twilight's window.

Twilight groggily opened her eyes, “Pinkie, I was sleeping!”

“Oh, sorry!” said Pinkie, still hopping, “I just couldn't wait to invite you to the party this afternoon!”

Told you there's a party. You shouldn't be so quick to assume I'm lying, geez.

“Party? What for?”

Pinkie's eyes lit up, “Y'see, I was thinking, it's been a month since any of us have had our birthdays or anything, so we haven't had any big fun parties since then! A whole month!! It made me soooo sad! And then I thought everypony else must be sad too, so I'd hold a big super fun party to cheer them all up!” She was still hopping up and down outside.

Twilight got up out of bed, keeping her attention on her party pony pal, “Pinkie, how are you bouncing up and down? My bedroom's on the second floor.”

Pinkie Pie giggled, “Look!”

Twilight gazed out her window to see a trampoline below.

Pinkie Pie continued, still bouncing, “So can you be there?”

Twilight didn't have any other plans, “I'd be happy to, Pinkie.”

Pinkie started to jump higher and smile wider, “Great! Thanks, Twilight!” Her expression changed to one of shock, “Oh my gosh! I need to go invite everypony else! See ya, Twilight!” She landed on the soft ground linke a feather, took up her trampoline and darted off.

“Bye, Pinkie Pie!” Twilight called out, but she was already gone.

Before I forget, I should tell you that I kind of have a penchant for destruction.

Twilight sighed, “How long am I going to have to deal with you?”

Just until the story's over.

“Well, when's that going to happen?”

Oh, in a few more chapters.

Twilight creased her eyebrows, “What does that even... never mind. What happens in this story?”

A party, for one thing.

She fell back on her bed and gave an exasperated moan into her pillow.

You can't have all the answers, Twilight. Stories need intrigue and drama. They need to make the reader want to keep reading. And speaking of, you should get to that party.

An idea crossed Twilight's mind. She stood up out of her bed and moved to the middle of the room, a wide grin on her face, “Nope.”

What do you mean “nope”?

“I'm not going.”

Yeah, you are.

“No, I'm not. If I don't go, your story can't continue.”

Twilight, I'm going to level with you. If you don't follow along, I'm going to force you, and you wouldn't like that.

Her smile lowered to a grimace, “You can't do that! You said yesterday...”

I lied, Miss Sparkle. Get used to it.

Twilight's eyes darted around the room. She didn't know what to do, “Y-you can't do that!”

I can and I will.

Ahem.

Twilight Sparkle was eager to reach Pinkie Pie's party as soon as possible. After the events of last night, she couldn't wait to be with her friends once again. She scrambled down her stairs and...

“Wait a minute!” she shouted.

No! There will be no waiting! The characters in a story do not decide what happens therein. I am the storyteller, not you. I am the one putting words down on paper, not you. I am calling the shots here, not you.

Twilight's eyes lit up. “Putting words down to paper, huh?” She levitated a nearby scrap of parchment, quill and ink over to her.

She quickly scrawled words into the paper, then read them aloud, “She scrambled down her stairs to see an obnoxious, sarcastic stallion materialize. The storyteller had used his power to bring himself to Equestria.”

An obnoxious, sarcastic stallion materialized. He had a scrawny, dim blue body with a simple blue mane and tail. It was almost the color of the mane of Princess Luna, except not nearly as interesting or beautiful. He was a unicorn, and he seemed to bear an expression that indicated that he both pitied and despised everything he saw. His eyes darted to Twilight and he let out a shout, “You fool!”

Oh damn, it was Descartes.

Chapter The One After

Chapter The One After

The school bell rang. Apple Bloom and her fellow pupils knew what that meant. None of them were entirely sure how the bell came to be, they only knew the reason the bell was rang: it was time for class. They would likely be disappointed to learn that there is not an old, wise stallion who lives in the tower and sets his clock every morning to match the one in the classroom, as Miss Cheerilee had told them.

Cheerilee rang the bell again. She had always thought that nurturing the creativity and imagination of young fillies and colts would greatly improve their brain capacity later in life. It was one of the reasons that she became a teacher. As such, she preferred not to tell them that it was her who ascended the tower and rang the bell herself. She half-hoped that some of her students would sneak up the simple wooden stairs looking for the aged fictional stallion. Perhaps the Cutie Mark Crusaders would be up for the task. Alas, their recess activities always proved too important.

The bell tolled a third time. Apple Bloom took her place at her desk. She was both dreading and anticipating the day ahead. Her best friends, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, were both absent that day, and her nemesis, Diamond Tiara, was taking every opportunity to berate and bully her. On the bright side, she still had plans to meet with them in the afternoon for all sorts of fun.

She was unaware that her two chums were on a difficult moral journey during which they would harness their skills and come to terms with themselves and with each other. They travelled to far off lands and encountered all manner of dangerous creatures and situations. One of the two fell in love. One took the life of another. Both of them realized just how privileged they were to live in the organized society of Equestria.

Neither of them earned their cutie marks. To add insult to injury, they wouldn't be home in time to share the afternoon with Apple Bloom.

Despite this, none of Apple Bloom nor Sweetie Belle nor Scootaloo nor Diamond Tiara nor Cheerilee nor the old pony in the bell tower had anything whatsoever to do with Twilight Sparkle or our charming narrator pal. As such, the previous 389 words, in addition to the next 173, were all entirely pointless wastes of everyone's time. While one might classify one's time as valuable, rest assured, the time spent reading this story (or an other story written by myself) has already been classified as wasted. You may opt to reclassify this time as “used effectively”, but that would require delving into the deep, gurgling pits of bureaucracy, causing permanent damage in one's hand or hand analogue by filling out all sorts of paperwork, then grappling with dozens of identically dressed businessmen and businesswomen, the deep desire of each of them to make you move as far from them and their business as they can manage in as little time as possible. It has been said that their collective motto is “Shut Up And Go Away”.

I'm sorry, I may have strayed ever so slightly from the topic at hand. There's no need to sharpen the pitchforks and light the torches, the true story will resume shortly.

Let it be known that “shortly” has been redefined to mean “next chapter”.

Chapter The Last

Chapter The Last

I'm going to do a quick recap. This recap is not for those of you who are joining into this story at this point. To be perfectly frank, anyone who would delve into a story by reading the chapter implicitly titled “Chapter The Last” and still expect to experience it in its full form either has far too high expectations of literature or is entirely unfamiliar with how stories are meant to work. For simplicity, these two groups of people will be categorized under the more euphonic term, “the unbelievably stupid”.

If you are genuinely reading this story for the first time, and honestly chose this chapter as a launching pad to the rest of the story, please stop reading and send me a message immediately, so that I may finally lose my last precious scrap of faith I have ever had in humanity.

If this is not your first read, or you began this story sensibly at the first chapter, please continue.

On a particularly rainy evening, Twilight Sparkle was reading a particularly unintriguing book written by particularly incompetent scientists when she heard a voice. It was an entirely ordinary voice, except for its owner. This voice happened to belong to the writer and narrator of this very story, myself. Mind, she was not supposed to hear me, as I knew that due in no small part to Twilight's rampaging curiosity would force out of me the fact that she was part of a story and that all of her actions are predetermined. Naturally, when she did learn this, she went through a big honkin' existential crisis which she only got over because I told her I was lying, which I have a propensity to do.

Pinkie Pie showed up the following day to invite her to a party. I let on that this party was important to the story and Twilight chose this point to go and piss me off. First, she refused to go to the party. When I tried to force her to go (I didn't want to, but the show must go on, as the saying goes), she decided to throw a ridiculously large, misshapen wrench into my intricate design. Twilight, in her vast wisdom, decided to tell a bit of her own story and pull me into Equestria. She was quite proud of herself for that bit.

Terrible idea, if you ask me. If I had wanted to be in Equestria, I would have gone myself. Now Twilight has just managed to displease me further.

This is where we left off. Without further adieu...

“How dare you!” the stallion fumed. “Are you insane!? Do you have any idea what kind of danger you've just caused?” This stallion is me, for the unbelievably stupid in the audience.

Twilight gave an incredulous scoff, “What possible danger could come of this? I don't see how...”

The stallion groaned, “Not danger to you, danger to...”

He was cut off by a sharp gasp coming from outside. They both glanced over just in time to witness a pink blur darting away.

He rolled his eyes, “Brilliant. Now you've gone and done it.”

“Done what?” asked Twilight.

“Now your friends have seen me. They'll all be here, together, in approximately 78 seconds and counting. I'd really rather not go through my whole writer spiel a second time, so you have that much time to come up with a suitable excuse for why a perfectly unknown stallion is arguing with you in your own library.” he said, “67 seconds now.”

“What? No! I'm telling them the truth.” she responded.

He sighed, “No, you're not. If you won't be obedient, I'll lie to them myself. Just play along.”

“I'm not going to lie to my friends for you!” Twilight shouted.

“Listen, Twilight. Remember what you did when I told you you weren't real? You flipped out and ran away. You were devastated, weren't you? I don't need that happening to anypony else, and I doubt you'd want your friends to feel that way, either.”

Twilight remained silent.

“This isn't for me, it's for them.”

She sneered, “...Fine, you have a point.”

“Oh, and I should tell you. Aside from being a legendary liar, I tell legendary lies. And this one is going to be spectacular.” A sinister grin grew on his face.

Twilight audibly gulped.

“Ten seconds. Get ready.” The stallion donned a calmer, happier expression.

The front door swung open.

The partygoers had assembled. There were only four of them, but that hardly mattered. There was music, baked confectionaries, and laughs; if that's not a party then not much can change that. Not much, that is, except for Pinkie Pie, the greatest partier in Equestria. She happened to be out fetching Twilight, but that didn't stopped the festivities. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were, as usual, engaging in friendly competition, alternating between apple-bobbing, hoof-wrestling, and the old standby game, Rock-Paper-Scissors. This last game was somewhat complicated by the fact that their hooves were intrinsically designed to resemble precisely one thing: a hoof.

The game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was designed by unicorn soldiers hundreds of years ago, wherein the three titular objects were held behind each player's back by their own magic. The winner of each round had the right to hit the loser with the winning object. Even when rock-users lost, this proved painful; in an effort to keep ink from bleeding through pages and simultaneously keep books at a manageable size, paper was made much denser than its modern-day equivalent, which meant that papercuts were often as unpleasant as rock beatings. Being as sharp as it was, paper was often applied to the ends of dull scissors to make them more effective, which oddly proved a sound solution. Rock-Paper-Scissors was soon after forbidden in all armies in Equestria after it was discovered that two thirds of all military injuries incurred that year were due to paper cuts, and the remaining third were due to bludgeonings with rocks.

Across the room, Rarity and Fluttershy were chatting and plaing chess. Rarity was far more concerned with the gossip, while Fluttershy remained focused on the game. Mind, she was not aiming to win. Her friend, while competent in the game, was not particularly good, and as a result had left a number of large gaps in her defense. Fluttershy could easily move her pawn out from between her bishop and Rarity's king, resulting in the forced loss of a rook through the discovered check. She could just as easily have used her mostly hairless pink bipedal flesh creature in an L-shape to capture an unprotected pawn, resulting in a fork between her king and queen. Naturally, much to Raity's dismay, her queen would be lost, and Fluttershy could capitalize on this by dancing her bishops around to force the opposing king into a corner, where she could sweep her own queen across the board to finally deliver a checkmate. She could quite easily do this, but she didn't. While Rarity talked, Fluttershy was busy finding subtle ways of losing her own pieces without looking conspicuous. She was not playing to win, she was playing to tie. A tie, the gentle pegasus had always believed, is the best end to a game. That way, nopony loses and no feelings are hurt.

Pinkie Pie burst through the door, “Ohmygosh! You won't believe what I just saw!” She was quite obviously excited.

The four of them turned their attention to her.

“Is it the Wonderbolts!?” Rainbow Dash immediately took to the air, peering out the nearest window.

“Oh Rainbow Dash, you always think it's the Wonderbolts,” Rarity said dismissively, “and it never is.”

She turned to Rarity, “Oh yeah? Well what if it is the Wonderbolts?”

“It's not the Wonderbolts!” Pinkie shouted.

“See?” Rarity glared triumphantly. Rainbow Dash sneered back.

Pinkie continued, “At the library! Twilight's there, too!”

“Twilight's there?” Fluttershy was concerned, “I hope she's alright.”

“C'mon, Pinkie, spit it out!” Applejack was growing impatient.

Pinkie beamed, “It's a stallion!”

Three of them were confused. The fourth let out a gasp of combined surprise and elation. Predictably, this fourth pony was Rarity.

“Oh, that's wonderful! I just knew Twilight would eventually find herself a handsome, gallant stallion!” said Rarity. “Now I can finally teach her the fine art of seduction,” She flipped her carefully curled mane to one side and smiled.

Rainbow Dash attempted to stifle a laugh, but failed spectacularly, “Are you kidding!? Twilight would never date anypony! She's too much of an egghead! What stallion would wanna date her?”

Applejack shot her a dirty look, “Rainbow, ya can't go sayin' things like that behind her back.”

Rainbow's laughter ceased, overtaken by silent guilt, “Sorry.”

Applejack continued, “But it is sorta strange. Twilight's never really been all that—.”

“That doesn't matter right now!” Pinkie interjected. “I've never seen that stallion before, and you know what that means!”

They all rolled their eyes and smiled. They knew what that meant. That meant a signature Pinkie Pie party to welcome him to Ponyville.

She continued, “That means one of my signature Pinkie Pie parties to welcome him to Ponyville! C'mon, we need to go get him and bring him back here! Then the party can begin!”

They all agreed, or at least resigned to Pinkie's decision and briskly made their way to the library.

Rainbow Dash was the first to speak. “If somepony's gonna fall for Twilight, he's gotta be as eggheaded as she is!”

She chuckled to herself. Applejack did not approve.

The front door swung open.

“Hey, you!” Pinkie shouted, pointing a hoof at the as-of-yet nameless stallion. “You're new here, right?”

“...Well, yes, I suppose I am, but...”

“Good! C'mon!” She grabbed him by the hoof and darted out the door.

“Pinkie, wait!” Twilight shouted.

Her words had no measurable effect. Pinkie sped along with her new friend, excitedly explaining who she was and who her friends were and where they were going and why.

Applejack sighed, “Well, back to Sugarcube Corner then.”

They sped back to the party. Three of the five wondered why they had bothered to come to the library at all if they were just going to return again. One of the remaining two wondered how she had found herself in a situation as strange as this, what with being led by her friends to a party being held for the writer of this very story, which only she knew the true power of. The last one wondered how she might finish the day without offending or upsetting anypony.

"There are two rules to writing fanfiction: end every chapter on a cliffhanger, and lie in your chapter titles."

--SchrodingerFu