You Should Have Told Me

by pitter_patter

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sad, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1870

How could I have told you Celestia? How could I have explained to you that your beloved sister was now more damaged than she had been when she first returned? That her brief lapse into Nightmare Moon had left her so unimaginably broken?

"I created the Tantabus to give myself the same nightmare every night. To punish myself for the evil I caused as Nightmare Moon.

Luna is forced to face the consequences of keeping her feelings of self-loathing hidden, in the form of her very angry sister.

Published 2015-07-12 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-12 23:50:01 UTC

How Long?

“How long?” Princess Luna, who had been reading the latest addition of the Daring do book collections, jumped as her sister’s voice echoed through the calm which had encased her room. Turning to the doorway, she could tell instantly that her sister was not in her usual good mood. Her brow was furrowed, her breathing was quick and shallow and what looked to be the crumpled remains of a scroll floated in her magical grasp.

“What was that sister?” Celestia walked further into Luna’s room, pausing briefly to strike the sturdy, wooden door behind her. Luna jumped as the wood collided with the door frame, the loud noise reverberating around her room.

“HOW. LONG?” Luna gulped; Celestia hadn’t used the Royal Canterlot Voice in a very long time.

“I-I don’t understand - -“

"How long have been you torturing yourself with nightmares?!” Celestia shouted as she lost control of the emotions she had kept in check for the better part of an hour. Luna’s heart jumped into her throat as she realised that her sister knew the truth. She knew what she had done. Reluctantly placing her book on the desk beside her, she turned to face her sisters’ anger head on. She reached for the scroll still held in Celestia’s vice like grip only for the scroll to disintegrate into flames before her eyes, the ash floated through the air to land in a pile at their feet.

“Answer me Luna.” She reluctantly raised her eyes from the ash pile.

“Who told you?”

“Twilight. She sent me a letter this morning. She was worried that you were somehow harmed following the events of last night, and asked me to ensure you were well. Naturally I had no idea what she was talking about –“

“She had no right to tell you –“Celestia scoffed at her sisters attempts to justify her actions.

“But I had a right to know! Why did you not tell me?!” The two sisters glared at each other; one was desperate for answers, whilst the other was unwilling to provide them. For Luna, this had been one of the reasons why she had not consulted her sister regarding the Tantabus. It pained her greatly to see her sister so emotional, and knowing that she was responsible once again consumed her with guilt. She had been responsible for the escape of the Tantabus the previous night, and, despite her best efforts, was once more the reason behind her sister’s current emotional state. Unaware of the mental turmoil her sibling was experiencing, Celestia pressed on with her questions.

“From what Twilight has told me, you faced a grave threat last night which could have destroyed not only Equestria but yourself! Yet I was left unaware.”

“Tia...”

“No! Why was this kept from me?! Anything could have happened to you and I would have had no idea.”

“You posses no powers over the realm of sleep my sister, you could not have provided me with assistance.”

“But I could have been there with you. I could have watched over you all, or researched this threat, or something! Buck Luna, I could have been there just to cheer you on! You shouldn’t have had to face this alone.” Luna flinched as the weight of Celestia’s words hit her. Her attempts to protect her sister from the unknown had once again caused more harm than good. Another example of how I hurt every pony I love, she thought bitterly.

Celestia exhaled slowly, in an attempt to calm herself. “Please, Lulu. Just tell me what happened.” Celestia moved closer and softly nuzzled her sister. The soft brush of her sister’s fur reawakened Luna’s childlike need for comfort, and she found herself leaning into her big sister.

“It was my burden to bear.” Her whispered response pained Celestia. It hurt to know that her sister was unable to come to her for assistance when she clearly needed it. “It was my fault that the Tantabus –“

“Tantabus? Is that the threat Twilight was referring to?” Celestia ignored the annoyed look Luna sent her at being interrupted. “I have no recollection of it.” Luna bit her lip and pulled away from her sister.

“You wouldn’t. The Tantabus is not a creature from a far away land, nor is it a monster confined to ancient legends. The Tantabus was a creature of my own making.” Luna struggled to get her words out, well aware that once she did it was highly unlikely that things would ever be the same. “I created it to give myself the same nightmare every night, to punish myself for the evil I caused as Nightmare Moon.” She flinched as Celestia stepped back, her eyes watering as the truth Luna had kept hidden for the last five years finally saw the light of day. Her baby sister, the single most important pony in her life, had carried around such a heavy burden for so long, and yet she had been oblivious to it. What kind of sister am I?

“Why?”

“To remind myself of what I had once become.” The Night princess lowered her gaze. There were many terrible things in this world she could face without so much batting an eye, but the look of sorrow on her sister’s face was something she could not bear to gaze upon.

“How long have you subjected yourself to these nightmares?” Celestia prayed with every ounce of her soul that Luna had not endured such torment for a long period of time. Luna drew in a shaky breath before answering.

“Since my return sister.” Celestia released a shuddering sob as her worst fears were realised. Luna had barely a moment to brace herself before she was pulled into a tight embrace, her sisters wings surrounding her as sharp sobs filled the air.

“My dear sister.... Equestria forgave you, I forgave you. Why do you inflict such pain on yourself?”

“Because I could not forgive myself, nor could I forget what I had done. I thought that by reliving every painful moment, it would prevent such a thing from occurring again, but I was wrong. I did not realise how strong the Tantabus had become until it escaped my dreams and invaded the slumbers of other ponies. My attempts to recapture it and absorb its power back into my dreamscape failed. My creation, the very thing meant to prevent me from harming others, had brought Equestria to the brink of destruction.” Luna’s voice trailed off as tears began to slip down her cheeks. The weight of what could have been became too much for her to bear, and she released a heartbroken whimper as she sank to her knees in despair.

“Shhhh Luna. It’s alright.” Celestia whispered as she joined Luna on the floor. “Equestria is unharmed, your friends are safe, and I promise, I will always be here to help ease your burden. You are not alone my beloved sister.” The two sisters cried together for several minutes longer, each grateful for the love of the other. However the silence was eventually broken by Celestia muttering something too quietly for Luna to hear properly.

“What was that Tia?”

The elder sister sighed deeply. She had no right to feel angry with Luna; after all she had been shouldering a tremendous amount of pain for far too long. Yet she could not deny the small part of her that was furious with her sister for not confessing her feelings. “Why did you not tell me Luna? Where you afraid I would see you as weak? Or has my past actions made it impossible for you to trust me?” Luna recoiled in horror at her sisters words.

“No! Please sister, do not blame yourself.” Luna forced her forehead under Celestia’s chin, nuzzling the soft, downy fur lovingly as Celestia struggled to swallow the lump in her throat. “You have given me so much sister. You gave me hope when there was none to be found, helped me settle into a world I did not belong, forgave me when it was not deserved. I could not bear to lose everything you had given me a second time and I had hoped that my nightly suffering would help me come to terms with what I had done, but as months turned into years, my guilt only grew stronger and I – I...”

“Luna?”

“I was ashamed. I could see that ponies were accepting me, but I could not accept myself. The more ponies began to show love and compassion, the more I began to hate myself for how easily I had forsaken my little ponies in the past. With each passing night, the Tantabus fed on those feelings, until my nightmares became a cruel manifestation of my self-loathing. Night after night I would be confronted with my darkest fears, forced to experience the worst pain imaginable, and yet I - I did nothing to stop them.”

Celestia had given up trying to wipe away the tears. How could she have been so foolish to believe that whatever feelings her sister had regarding Nightmare Moon had been resolved? How could she be a compassionate ruler to her ponies when she had allowed her sister to suffer so deeply?

“Darling Luna why have you never told me this?”

“How could I have told you Celestia? How could I have explained to you that your beloved sister had become more damaged than she had been when she first returned? That her brief lapse into Nightmare Moon had left her so unimaginably broken –“

“Stop! Please!” Celestia gripped her sisters’ shoulders in her hooves, fighting against the urge to shake some sense into her. “You are neither damaged nor broken Luna. You are my sister. My co-ruler, the Princess of the Night, my sole confident and so, so much more. I love you so much Luna and I will tell you that every day for the rest of eternity if it will help you face the past. Just please, please forgive yourself. Your past mistakes do not define you Luna, and if I find out that you kept how you truly felt from me again, Faust help me I will lock you in this room and force you to read through every boring piece of legislation I can find.. ”

A sharp laugh burst out of Luna’s mouth at the thought of such a thing. Her laughter was quickly joined by Celestia’s relieved giggles, but eventually their laughter died away, leaving the two rulers to simply smile at each other. Celestia wrapped her alabaster wing around her sisters back.

“You feeling any better Lulu?” Luna thought about that question. Her feelings of guilt were still there, and she doubted they would disappear overnight. Yet in spite of that, she found herself smiling up at her big sister.

“Yeah, I’m ok Tia.”

She knew it would take a while for her to completely forgive herself, both for her past and present actions but she knew that with her sisters’ help, that day would come a lot sooner than she ever dared hope.

Author's Note

Huh, never thought I would work up the courage to actually post something!