Speedfic Delights

by Argembarger

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Mr. Cake, Random, Main 6, Mrs. Cake
Length: 3060

A journey through time and space and beyond.

A mixed bag of speedfics.

These are dumb and awful in almost every conceivable way.

I don't know what you're doing here, either.

[On Hiatus] used unironically, here. I might post more. Maybe. Someday. Who knows?

Published 2012-05-23 20:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-26 03:11:05 UTC

Fatherhood (10 min)

This was written outside in a park at a brony meetup cookout. It was written for a speedfic contest. It was written with a green colored pencil on a paper plate. There was no eraser.

The prompt was "Where do fillies come from?"
The rules were that we had to write something fitting that prompt that was able to fit on the front and back side of a standard paper plate. I don't think there were any other rules.

This is as close to an exact transcription as I think I can provide here without scanning the plate itself (which I would rather not do). Everything presented here is exactly as it was written. I finished it in less than 10 minutes.

When I really have no idea what the original word was, I put (???).
Any spelling or grammar errors may be assumed to be [sic] from the original.

This was written in August of 2011.

PresentPerfect won that contest, with the Zebra Manuscript.

The thick, dark clouds obscured the sun over Ponyville as Mr. Cake paced ~~ns~~ nervously in the waiting room of Ponyville General Hospital, ~~b(?)f(???) (??????)~~ not bothering to hide the concern tha visible on his face. Anxiety clenched his brain in a cold, tight grip as he thought of his poor, sweet wife just ~~(??????)~~ behind those double doors.

~~S~~ He remarked at his misfortune -- he had been ~~ge~~ eagerly anticipating finally being a father, before those damnable complications had set in. He could still hear her screams of agony; they reverberated in his skull like the clangs of a funeral bell.

The doctors refused to tell him a thing, except that it was vitally important that he stay calm, if only for ha her sake. The injustice of it all bit at his heart. If she was going to die, ~~as he strongly be(???)~~ didn't he deserve to be there? Didn't he deserve to say goodbye?

Concern ~~at first~~ became rage, and he threw caution to the wind, and kicked those double doors in.

He marveled at what he saw within inside.

His wife was strapped to the table, groaning in anguish. Several bescrubbed doctor ponies surrounded her, obscuring Mr. Cake's view of his wife's~~distorted~~ swelled and distended belly. ~~(????) (???) one of the aides~~ One of the nurses leaped in front of Mr. Cake, yelling at him to stop.

"What is wrong with my wife, you bastards?" he furiously shouted.

The nurse looked at him frantically. "Please, Mr. Cake, calm down! We can't afford to ~~let~~ allow your wife to be agitated!"

~~M~~ "I want to be here for her! I want to see my ~~ne~~ foal! If it is a stillbirth, just tell me, you quacks!"

"Mr. Cake, don't be silly. We picked your filly from the flower field in Happytwinkle Meadow an hour ago. She's in the next room. Your wife has stomach cancer."

"Oh."

The Price of Magic (10 min)

<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> back to writing
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> 1:29 min left
yay
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> 555 words Â¬.Â¬
<@Argembarger> go kits go
<@Argembarger> inb4 I write another speedfic
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> DO IT
<@Argembarger> do you really want this to happen
<@Argembarger> do you remember what happened last time
<@Argembarger> everypony threw up
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> write about Scootaloo teaching Applebloom how to do magic
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> or explaining
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> make it Grimdark
<@Argembarger> and do it all in less than 10 minutes?
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> She kills Sweetie and takes her horn
kitsWRITINGfuriously nods
<@Argembarger> fine but I'm saying it was all your idea
<@Argembarger> you are going to be personally responsible for whatever shitstorm happens
<~kitsWRITINGfuriously> lolol
I know!

Written on: September 7, 2011
Blame Kits for all of the following

***********************

Scootaloo and Applebloom were walking in Sweet Apple Acres, enjoying the autumn air.

"I wonder where Sweetie is," Applebloom said, "I thought she was going to come with us."

"Oh, I think she was actually taking private magic lessons from Twilight, to see if maybe magic was her cutie mark, or something? She didn't say" Scootaloo responded brightly.

"Oh... Well this stinks. I sure wish we could do magic too, so that we could join her. Cutie Mark Crusaders have gotta stick together!" Applebloom said, glumly.

"I know how to do magic!" Scootaloo shouted.

"W... what?"

"Yeah! I know all about it. I can teach you!"

"But Scootaloo. We aren't unicorns."

"Details, details. Come on, it'll be awesome!" Scootaloo laughed.

The two fillies trotted off towards their treehouse, giggling and talking like how they thought wizards would talk.

***

By the time Sweetie Belle got out of classes, it was well past nightfall. She hadn't expected lessons to take this long. She ran off to Sweet Apple Acres, hoping to catch up with her friends. With any luck, they wouldn't even be mad!

The full moon cast shifting shadows through the rows of apple trees as she navigated her way to the Cutie Mark Crusader tree fort. Her hooves crunched noisily on the dry autumn leaves. Strange insects made unfamiliar sounds in the darkness, and a cold gust of wind caused her to shudder slightly. She couldn't wait to get to the bright, welcoming warmth of their base of operations!

***

"This is stupid, Scootaloo. I've been clenching my face for hours now, and there isn't any magic happening. I told you, we're not unicorns, we can't do this." Applebloom said, slightly annoyed.

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm telling you it CAN work. Maybe you're just not trying hard enough," Scootaloo said dryly, "or maybe the horn is the problem... hmm...."

"Wait, did you hear that? Somepony is coming!" Applebloom ran to the window and peeked out into the dark orchard. "It's Sweetie Belle!"

"Ah, goodie! Now we can really have some fun!" Scootaloo laughed.

***

Sweetie Belle saw a dim form move across the glowing window of the treehouse. It looked like Applebloom. Good, she thought, at least they're still here.

She began climbing up the ramp.

***

The door opened, and Sweetie Belle happily trotted through the doorway.

"Hey, Sweetie Belle, guess what?" Scootaloo said with a sly grin.

"Uh, what's that, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle innocently asked.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"...Why?"

"Because it was me and I was the chicken and because I needed to get to the other side of the road!"

"That was so stupid, I think it might have killed me."

"Ha ha!" Scootaloo said as she swiped Sweetie Belle's vuvuzela away. "I have your horn now!"

"Oh no my horn how will I do magic"

"Shut up you are dead"

"oh yeah blarg I am dead"

"toot toot on the flute"

"that's a vuvuzela and not a flute, flutealoo"

"shut up you are applebloom"

"oh yeah blarg I am applebloom"

and then scootaloo conjured up a million bits and a new pair of wings that were better than rainbow dashes and also then she was the most powerful in equestria and probably enslaved everypony in a brutal 500 year reign of terror where she bathed in unicorn blood or something gosh I don't know you figure it out

The Day Twilight Sparkle Died (5 min)

(Written May 23, 2012, when this fic was #20 in the site queue)

Twilight Sparkle was walking through Ponyville with a mighty craving for something delicious to eat. She stopped by the cafe where she and Spike ate flower and grass during the very first episode of MLP:FiM.

The waiter walked up to Twilight and said, "Evening, mademoiselle. May I interest you in a cyanide capsule?"

Twilight looked up at the regal french stallion and said, "Cyanide? Isn't that deadly?"

The waiter chuckled jovially. "Why, no, Miss Sparkle. It is merely delicious. Perhaps to a creature of a lesser standing than a pony, it could cause problems, but you have nothing at all to worry about."

Twilight Sparkle thought for a moment. She'd heard that cyanide tastes like almonds, and she did love almonds a lot.

"Alright, waiter, I'll have three cyanide capsules."

"Certainly, Miss Sparkle."

The waiter headed back into the cafe to prepare her order. Twilight sat and breathed in the flowery aroma of a fresh breeze that wafted past her nostrils.

Pinkie Pie walked by. "Hi, Twilight!" Pinkie said, "What are you doing?"

Twilight grinned and said, "I'm getting some cyanide for lunch. Care to join me?"

Pinkie looked disappointed. "I would, Twilight, I really would, but you know what they say..." and then she was gone.

The waiter came back out with the cyanide capsules. "Enjoy, mademoiselle."

Twilight took a bite and died.

The waiter twirled his mustache. "That was the easiest assassination of all time."

He reported his success to Fluttershy, who exchanged a wicked smile with Angel Bunny.

Speedfic Delights (5 min)

(Written on May 23, 2012, at queue position 1, right before the fic got posted)

Twilight Sparkle gathered the Mane Six around the table. "Okay, girls, we're going to have a speedfic contest! You each have thirty seconds. Go."

The ponies picked up their pencils.

FLUTTERSHY

One day the little animals were bouncing around in the woods. They were so cute and happy, and nothing bad was ever happening to them. It was just a beautiful, perfect place. Yay! [TIME UP]

RAINBOW DASH

So many cool things were happening. The Wonderbolts were kicking dragons in the face, and busting mad licks on their guitars! It was the most awesome thing. I wish I was there. It would be better than being here in this lame contest. [TIME UP]

RARITY

Fluttershy and I were being wonderfully pompous and regal in the Ponyville Spa. We didn't have a care in the world, and then I met a rugged, strong stallion who laid me down on the massage table and [TIME UP]

APPLEJACK

Apples. That's all there were for miles. Just apples, and applesauce. The pony picked up a shovel and began slogging through the apple mush, knowing that this was to be her fate for the rest of her life. Only apples, forever. Celestia help m[TIME UP]

PINKIE PIE

My favorite thing about fanfiction contests is how quick they are! I love writing as fast as possible to get as many words out as I can. I hope I can break my old record of 100 words in 30 seconds, but I probably won't because I took some time to think about this before I started and [TIME UP]

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Starswirl the Bearded read all of the books. He was the smartest one ever. Everyone liked him. I did too. I wish Starswirl the Bearded were here. I would ask him so many questions. I think it would be great. [TIME UP]

Twilight Sparkle collected the various fanfictions and decided on a winner.

"Fluttershy, your story has no plot. Rainbow Dash, your story is passive-aggressive. Rarity, your story is, uh, something else. No comment. Applejack, don't quit your day-job. Pinkie Pie, this isn't a story. Looks like I win! I'm the best writer, yet again. This makes 16 victories in a row!"

Everypony sighed, while Twilight gloated.

Twilight's Clackfic

One day, Twilight Sparkle decided that her keyboard was inadequate. It was far too quiet. Her neighbors couldn't hear her at all when she typed up her epic cartoon pony fanfictions.

She went over to Sugar Cube Corner to purchase a noisier, more retro keyboard. Pinkie Pie hooked her up lickity-split.

"I hope you enjoy your new keyboard, Twilight," Pinkie said.

"Okay, Pinkie Pie. I will. Don't talk to me." Twilight walked outside with her ponderous purchase.

She took it home and plugged the keyboard in to her computer's USB port. A light on the keyboard shined, slicing the darkness into waffle-sized pieces.

Twilight began writing her magnum opus: The Adventures of Poopy Steve and the Poop That Didn't.

CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK
THE END CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK

the spin a speedfic (5 min)

(Written on: August 31, 2011)

Oh god I have to type a fiction based on a song in 5 minutes oh god oh god

ok here I go

One day Rainbow Dash was in her rainbow palace and was listening to some music. "You spin me right round baby right round" the lyrics sang out with songness.

She started to dance because it was a good song. "I don't even know what I'm doing do you??" she cried out. Scootaloo showed up and started dancing to. It was awesome but I don't even know so yes.

Then the cloud palace started spinning, right round, baby right round. It was spinning like a record, right round now. And it span and span. It made rainbow dash and scootlaloo dizzy and they fell to the ground all dizzy.

I don't know what happened then, but charles geoffry walked in with a gun and pointed it at them. "STOP SPINNING" he said, and then exploded.

They continued spinning, because Charles Geoffrey is a jerk.

SO MUCH SPINNING.

Twilight Sparkle was walking around and she started spinning too. She didn't know why.

Fluttershy started spinning with all of her animal friends. They were all spinning. It was dizziffying.

Uhh, what was that other pony oh yeah Rarity spun too, her mane twilrling in the air and I don't even know what happened, maybe she got kidnapped bhy a diamond dog, I wouldn't be surprised ok.

Pinkie PIe was already spinning obviously, do I have to spell this stuff out for you.

Then because this story needs a conflict, Octavia told them to stop spinning. They shouted "NOOOOO" and she succumbed to peer pressure and began spinning with them. Wasn't that the best drama?

I think it should be noted that when you spin for long enough, you start to get nauseous. This fact was not lost at all.

Everypony threw up.

THE END.

had some sake wrote some brithday 21 fic

Pinkie psse was walking through the garden yard whe had with carrotn tom who was her friend "hi carrot" "can I have a carrot"

"sure pinkei have a carrot from my garden the garden we share it's tasty and good for the tums tum"

pinkie pie ate the carrot it was so orange that she passed out.

She woke up on Earth in the middle of a city of humans beings

"Hi binkie pie," a bunch of bronies said to her but she didn't have time for those dorks she was on some next gen shit stuff

She saw a store that sold parties

"Parties wholesale?" she said, "oh boy that's for me~!"

Pinkie Pie bounced into the party warehouse and said "Give me all of your parties!"

it was funny becavsue they thought she was robbing them (she wasn't it was just she wanted all of the parties she fully intedned to pay with bits even though bits weren't real person currency just an imaginary horse monery)

The police showed up "Put your hands on your pinke mane little horse or we will shoot," they said.

"Ok I don't want to go to prison today," Pinkie Pie said, "it's incontvenient for me"

The police talckled the pinke pony Pinkie Pie horse and dragged her off to the county prison and Pinkie Pie was in jail.

She saw a prisoner man and said "hello what are you in jail for"

"I robbed and raped a bank"

"My name is pinkie pie!"

they had a conversation before pinkie pie decided that they should break out of the prison and start a band.

"But what will be the band be called, little pinke horse?"

"We'll call it the Party!"

"the partyh?"

"Yes The Party!"

"Ok that's it I'm not going to go to prison anymore"

the big strong prison convict bank ropper (that is raper and robber together) ripped a hole in the stoney bricks of the prison cell they were in and pinkie Pie walked out with her new friend Stabby Stan

"Hey stabby stan I need to get back to Equerstries can you helop??"

"yes pinkie pei grap on to my big knife"

Pinkie Pie grabbed onto the handle of his big knife which rocketed skywards at speeds in excess of one hundred million four thousand and miles per hour and Pinkie Pie's cheeks blew out from the pressure she was like a poofy pony with her cheeks filled with air and then the knife landed in Equestria she was home!

"Yay pinkie pie!" everyone screamed

They were all happiest ever and not even one of them complained

Carrot Top walked up to her friend the pink horse Pinkie Pie of surgar cube corner

"did you like my carrot pinie pie"

"yes I did"

the horses hugged

stay in school kids