How does one even raise a teenage dragon

by TheGoldenZodiac

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Anthro, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike
Length: 3689

Spike has problems. Celestia, Luna and Discord live with him and are going to try and help him. So why in the name of Mother is raising a teenage dragon so darn hard?

Dragons naturally live much longer than normal Ponies or for that matter synthetic Alicorn Princesses. Spike never took Twilight's death well so Celestia and Luna took the kid under their wing. They also took in Discord or maybe Discord just invited himself in, either way Spikes moody teenage ways leave the three elder members of this little family confused and wondering how the hell one raises a teenage dragon. These are the awkward encounters one teenage dragon has with his Guardians and the spirit of chaos while living in Canterlot castle.
Note: This story takes place in a universe in which equestria is an island nation on earth.

Published 2015-07-14 02:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-16 13:37:47 UTC

1. In which Spike appears for brunch in boxer shorts

The morning was a work of art; or at least that was what Luna thought of it. She tried not to think because then her thoughts wandered to the last two very painful weeks. It had been two weeks since the last element of Harmony, Twilight Sparkle, had been interned within her families' Canterlot crypt. It had been 13 days since Celestia had invited Twilight's ward and teenage dragon to join the sisters and Discord in living at Canterlot castle. It had been Ten days since Luna had found the boy drunk off scotch in the Palace library one night. It had been almost an entire week since the boy had come out of his room.

Luna decided that she was going to get “Dinner". That was a relative term in her mind; after all what was dinner for Tia was breakfast for her and vice versa. She walked down to the royal private brunch nook in all of her splendor. She may not have been as regal as her sister or as handsome as Discord but she was still a beautiful human. Standing at five feet and two inches Luna was regal in every sense of the word, with high cheek bones and sculpted features all with her hair swept into a bun and her blue dress floating to the ground in its many folds and ruffles.

Luna arrived to find the maids serving brunch to the sisters’ guest, friend and one time nemesis Discord; the spirit of chaos. He was reading the daily news being served tea and scones. Discord was in his own mind, but also in Luna’s, the biggest anglophile to have graced equestrian shores.

“Good morning did your nightly chaos go well?” Luna inquired of her friend.

“Luna dear,” came her reply as the other’s eyes and mouth materialized on the front page of the Canterlot times “My chaos we fabulously,”

“My congratulations to you, by any chance have you seen the boy?” came the Princess of the Night’s second question.

“No, Tia thinks that he is still recovering from the funeral,” Discord said smirking “But one of my guards saw him at the training complex hit several dummies two day back,” Discord took a sip of his tea causing several rabbits to appear next to, and subsequently terrorize, an unsuspecting maid.

“She can’t see that he’s spiraling and she needs to send the boy to her psychiatrist?” she asked the spirit of chaos.

“I doubt it,” The chaos spirit snapped his fingers turning the rabbits into small white roses scattered across the floor.

The door opened and the conversation between Luna and Discord ended. Upon the opening of the door the all-powerful sun princess swept into the brunch room. Celestia’s face was today graced by a small smile, her hair left down while her bangs were kept up by her crown, a white dress that was missing a back and smacked of girl next door was graced at the neckline with a necklace of gold and amethysts. As she sat down the maid scurried over to offer her a glass of orange juice and inquire of what she wished for brunch.

“So what were the two of you being so chatty about before I entered,” asked Celestia.

“Well Tia darling the two of us were just plotting your demise via cake in two days’ time,” Discord answered slightly sarcastically.

Luna glared at the man, “Tia we were discussing Spike’s present condition; Discord and I believe that Spike may need to see the royal psychiatrist,”

“I don’t see why, He seems perfectly fine, He’s been training the last three days at the royal guard complex,” Tia responded almost haughtily

Luna swirled the contents of her glass “Tia we haven’t seen him at breakfast in nearly ten days!”

“He is obviously sleeping late Luna, try not to judge him he’s just lost the last of his family!”

“Ladies please He’s a teenage boy! He’s bound do to do something stupid at one point or another,” Discord stated “At last no one’s impregnated …”

Discord trailed off, not because his paper was interesting, no but because, Spike, the aforementioned boy had walked into the room in nothing but his boxer shorts. This action caused both maids and the footman serving brunch all to blush profusely. Tentatively one of the maid approached Spike to ask if he wanted anything to drink.

“Yes,” Spike yawned “A scotch if you can get me one please,”

After the maid left the chamber couldn’t have been quieter. The smile had left Celestia’s face replaced by the latest issue of the New Canterlot Mare. Luna simply stared at the boy with a slight scowl upon her face while awaiting her quiche to arrive. Discord returned to reading his newspapers articles on the Wonderbolts upside down. Spike just continued to be sat at the table bare chested and empty headed.
Eventually Spike’s scotch arrived and that broke down the awkwardness; or to be clearer, Luna’s temper broke the silence. Spike took his drink from the footman and swept his feet up onto the table.

“What are you doing Spike?” Luna asked eyes narrowing.

“I’m drinking scotch at 10 in the morning without having had breakfast first, why do you ask?” Spike responded sarcasm dripping from each syllable.

“No I meant with your feet,” came Luna’s response almost breaking the poised modern exterior and releasing the Royal Canterlot speaking voice.

“Putting them on the table”

“Then take them off the table. That table is an antique, more specifically my Mother’s favorite mahogany griffon made brunch table, which you a lazy teenaged ingrate insists upon putting his feet and spilling scotch upon!” Luna thundered.
Spike’s eyes widened his smirk disappearing and his chest deflating. Luna stood up from her chair and looked at the nearest footman.

Her mouth contorted into a particularly nasty scowl saying “I shall take my quiche in my private apartments,”

She swept out and the staffed bowed at her exit. Discord looked up from his paper at the boy who was at the end of the table still drinking scotch.

“Always with the dramatics that one” mumbled Discord.

Celestia glared at him simply saying,

“Spike I think it’s time for you to see a therapist,”

2. In which Celestia has to separate Spike from Discord's Scotch

Author's Note

I thought I should clarify somethings
1. The synthetic Alicorn just means ascended. I did not mean to confuse anyone sometimes I have trouble translating from things I write in Literature class to the rest of the normal world.
2. This may not have an overarching plot other than it is just the royals trying to fix Spike.
3. I really had fun with this concept especially the Tia/Lulu argument or chat (depending on how you read it) about cake.

2. In which Celestia has to separate Spike from Discord's Scotch

The early evening’s colors danced across the Canterlot Castle’s private lake as the weekly cocktail party for nobles and dignitaries proceeded as planned. Celestia stood in the middle of the party quietly thinking on matters more pressing to her daily life. She was most certainly happy that the patriarchal outbursts of Luna against spike had died down. There was a point where at every meal Spike and Luna would have a yelling match, but the last one was at breakfast almost five days ago.
Celestia was a bit worried about Spike even though he had been cooperating, somewhat, with the psychiatrist. Luna seemed to think that the Boy was overacting to his friends’ death but Tia was positive that he hadn't lived long enough to have acquired the sister’s shields against the pains of immortality. In all fairness Tia wasn't sure she had acquired the methods to cope with immortality, she did, in her own way, deeply regret Twilight’s death. She rather thought that Luna was incorrect in her assumption of Spike’s mental state.
From the corner of her eye, the Princess saw Spike, with the entirety of one of Discord’s bottles of scotch from Saddle Arabia 1305, blatantly making out with one of the Noble girls from his school. Normally Celestia would haven’t reacted the way she did, she was not of the hysterical variety, but she almost screamed at spike, instead it came out as a small, very angry, noise. She spun around, her white and golden gown twirling around her, and stalked over to where Luna was conversing with the Prime minister of the Minotaur.
“Luna!” Celestia hissed “Luna that boy has gone off the rails again!”
Luna’s eye brows arched as if to say ‘He can’t have gone off the rails that badly, do you remember the last time Tia?’ instead Luna simply responded with a polite.
“Whatever do you mean dearest sister?” asked the younger of the two sisters taking a sidecar from the nearest server.
“I mean,” snarled the other “He is defiling young ladies at my party with Scotch that could floor both you and I because it is so old,”
“Tia so what if the boy is taken to drink,” Luna responded politely “We all have vices, after all you cannot tell me that you would be willing to give up cake,”
Luna continued “I would not be willing to give up video games and Discord, even as a reformed man, will not give up the creation of chaos, perhaps however a diet for you is in order,”
“Ha! I wouldn't give up cake if my life depended upon it … oh,” Tia smiled sheepishly “I may see your point dearest sister, perhaps I will simply remove spike from the party politely,”
“Good idea Tia,” Luna nodded to her sister “I’m going to return to the party now; my drink is dry,”
Luna exited the veranda and approached the bar, her blue ruffled dress swaying in the breeze. Celestia too exited the veranda and began to look for Spike. It was not hard to find him quickly, she just followed the sound of young laughter. Tia found him with Charlotte what-is-their-names, the daughter of the baron of Trottingham. Tia couldn't help but look peeved. She wasn't even that close to the two children and she could already see their tongues.
Tia was not about to continue watching this display of passionate teenage drunken love. She cleared her throat gaining the attention of her only “son”.
“Shit, babe can we not do this right now my… guardian is standing over your shoulder,” Spike slurred.
“I’m sure he can wait can’t you sir?” the girl replied to her make out partner and his “Guardian”.
Spike paled and Celestia giggled. Obviously Spike hadn't told her and she couldn't see over her own shoulder. She was trying to be polite Celestia reminded herself.
“ No I cannot wait Miss Charlotte,” Celestia said in her most regal and benevolent voice “ Unfortunately my son needs to return to his apartments, he has a polo game tomorrow that he cannot have a hangover as to not inhibit getting up on time,”
The girl looked like a deer in the head lights as she turned to see one of her rulers and her boyfriend’s mother.
“Your Highness, I’m so sorry I did not mean to disobey your wishes,” The girl curtsied deeply.
“You have done nothing wrong my dear girl,” Celestia said smiling radiantly “My son, I suspect, has not finished his homework and should return to his rooms immediately,”
“Of course you highness” The Girl replied as she rushed off to join her parents.
“Why did you have to go and do that Mom?” Spike rolled his eyes, “I was having fun”
“ I don’t really care,” Tia said furiously “You’re going to your room, and no more playing that poor girl, if you like her court her properly,”

Spike made a small sarcastic snort as he started to walk towards the east veranda, Celestia decided that she should go with him to make sure he returned to his rooms. The two of them walked through the halls and antechambers of Canterlot castle silently until they came to the door that was marked Spike. Spike pulled out his key, Tia had thought that giving the boy his privacy would have given him a sense of security, and opened the door to his private sitting room.

“Spike, May I have the scotch bottle that you have been drinking from?” Tia asked quietly.
The boy looked at her as if she had just hit him. He seemed like he may have returned the bottle to his “mother”. Eventually the boy smirked and took another swig before sitting on one of the sofas that were symmetrically placed throughout the room.
“Spike,” Tia took a step closer to the boy
“What do you want from me?” the boy shouted “Do you want me to behave well? Do you want me to stop embarrassing you? To stop sleeping around?”
Tia stood aghast her mouth open a little.
“ Because that isn't going to happen,” The boy yelled, “ I’m not okay, I’m lonely, horny and all I want to do is drink something that burns,”
Tia held her head high but let her eyes show the compassion that she felt towards him.
“The only woman who understood what I’m going through is dead and I don’t know who I can tell the truth,” The boy half-shouted/half-sobbed “I’m expected to be okay and appear like I’m ready to be back in public a month and a half after I lost my best friend,”
Tia watched as Spike dropped the bottle of scotch onto the floor.
“I’ve lost everything and no one cares, I have no family and I’m stuck in a castle that feels like I’m nothing more than a disobedient boy whose only love comes from the tabloids,” the boy broke out into a full on sob.
Tia walked over to the couch where Spike was sitting and sat down next to him. As the boy continued to cry she wrapped her arms around him. Spike continued crying into her shoulder.

“When I lost Luna, I felt the same way for nearly 600 years,” Tia said almost crying herself “ I know you miss Twilight, Truly I miss her as well, but do not lie to yourself you do have a family within these walls,”

The boy looked at her with eyes that just couldn't be lied to and live. Tia realized what she had done. She had made him feel like for the first time in nearly a month and a half that someone understood what it was like to lose everything to immortality.

Tia held Spike in her arms for the next quarter of an hour until she heard soft snores coming from the boy. She stood up and fixed her dress in the large mirror hanging over a small table in the sitting room. She walked out of the room and back to the party. Tia marched up to her younger sister.

“I had to make him cry and tell me everything to get it.” Tia said before she stalked off to get a gin martini.

Luna looked down and saw a bottle of 700 year old scotch.

3. In which Discord buys pizza and explains it away as chaos.

Author's Note

I enjoyed writing this but I feel like there is and was no way to transition into the conversation between Spike and Discord. I tried to maneuver Discord, who I personally have had a hard time writing, into having and being the most positive towards Spike. Overall however this chapter was an interesting write and I enjoyed the outcome. :raritystarry:

3. In which Discord buys pizza and explains it away as chaos.

Spike wasn't in the mood for a two hour drive from Canterlot to Horse shoe bay. There were two major flaws with this plan. First of all he refused to be sent off by his adoptive mother, whom he wasn't even sure he considered his mother, and as she was now calling herself “The Coolest Aunt Ever”, to his own damn beach house. Second of all he was not going to be babysat by the spirit of chaos. If not because he was not a baby any more than because the spirit of chaos’ choice in radio stations sucked majorly if not in absolutely.

Spike took a sip of his water and looked out the window of the limousine. It also kind of pissed him off that the royal sisters had restricted him too only a fraction of his personal staff because they had the annual Canterlot Garden party that weekend.
On the plus side he was going to one of his favorite places in the world. Twilight had left him the house and roughly 700,000 dollars in a trust fund. The rest of her fortune went to her husband and two children. The beach house had been a special place for just the two of them, away from the life that being princess had created for Twilight and by extension him.

Spike’s house rolled into view as the trees seemed to thin out to a simple trip in the middle of the road. The house was built in a neoclassical style with large columns and high verandas. The car rounded a corner and entered the gates.
The car stopped in front of the grand entrance to the home. Spike thought that his chauffer, Edmund, was showing off a bit unnecessarily to Discord. Spike got out of the car and stretched. He was wearing a black tank top with sweat pants and a green beanie. He hadn’t shaved that day and his hair was rater windswept. He was wearing his necklace from A.J. and the dog tags from Rainbow around his neck. His emerald green eyes were covered by Prada aviator sun glasses.

The spirit of chaos exited the car soon after, and looked mischievously at the live in gardener on the west lawn. Discord was wearing a tan suit with tan loafers, a freshly pressed salmon shirt and a lime green bow tie. His grey hair was hard to explain but Spike was of the opinion that it looked nice especially since the grey goatee was clipped.

Spiked grabbed his suitcase and leather bag from the limo trunk and walked to the front door. Spike fished the keys out of his pocket and entered his beach house for the first time since the funeral. He decided that right then and there he was going to have fun. He had an entire week to have the boys over and have party.

Spike ran up the grand staircase and rounded the corner to the Master suite. Throwing the door he threw his bags on the floor and flopped down on his bed. He couldn’t help but notice that the room had been remodeled to his personal tastes. The drapes were no longer the drab green Twilight had kept but a vibrant blue. The canopy bed had his gray duvet on it. He sighed feeling at home.

Spike pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed his friend Jack’s number. He was really hoping that Jack and the polo team would be able to come over for the week he was at the beach house. When Jack picked up Spike’s excitement couldn’t help but bubble out.

“Jack, get the boys and come to my beach house!” Spike said joyously “I’ll make sure there is free booze!”

Spike continued smiling even when he hung up the phone. He was going to have his friends over they would do normal beach things, go swimming, surf some, drink a lot, and eventually come home and grill. Spike didn’t think Discord would care that much, after all teenage boys do cause a lot of chaos. But his friends wouldn’t get to the house until the next day so he would have to entertain himself somehow in the meantime.

He decided to go swimming. He put on a white swim suit and pulled off his tank top, the necklaces and his beanie. He ran his hand through his hair for good measure. Spike walked out of his room and down the stairs. He went through the breakfast room and out the door onto the terrace. Spike walked down the stairs threw his towel onto one of the deck chairs and jumped into the pool.

Spike swam for a long time but eventually he got tired and decided to go in and shower. After he showered Spike put on his sweat pants and laid down on his bed and fell asleep.

Spike awoke from his nap when he heard his stomach grumble. He checked his clock and saw that the time said it was five thirty in the afternoon. His hunger seemed to be eating him alive. He truly hoped that Discord had found the grocers or at least some restaurant for them to eat at. His feet hit the floor and all he could think of as he descended to the kitchen was his stomach.

Spike entered the kitchen and saw a box that made his heart jump. Spike looked at it and smiled at the familiar box cover. Tony’s pizzeria was one of the best pizza place in the surrounding area. Spike opened the box to find the meat lovers extreme pizza that he loved.

Discord entered the kitchen none to stealthily. Spike turned as if to confront the spirit of chaos.

“Did you order this?” Spike asked.

“Yes, your gardener said that one summer when Twilight was away you order that pizza from that shop for a week straight,” the chimera responded, “ Tia said you need to eat at least seven times a day a teen and I did notice that you slept throughout luncheon,”

“Thanks Discord, for coming in Clutch with the pizza,”

“All in the name of chaos my dear boy, all in the name of chaos,”

Discord refilled his sidecar and almost waltzed out of the room.
Spike looked at the pizza box and eventually steeled himself to take a piece. Discord could be kind even if it was in the name of chaos.