Twistbuscus Adventures

   Twister's living room had just been cleaned up, thanks to Squall. Now the two sat together on the blue sofa, Twister hunched over and fidgeting while Squall was playing on a Super Nonchondo Entertainment System hooked up to a television. All was going smoothly, until Twister let out a huge, dramatic groan.

   Sighing, Squall switched off the SNES. "Let me guess," he muttered, "You're bored."

   Twister shook his head. "No, that's just how I breathe sometimes."

   Squall arched an eyebrow. "When you're bored?"

   "Yes."

   Squall sighed. He turned back to the SNES, but was stopped when Twister handed him a phone. "Hey, Squeebuscus, could you call my mom real quick?"

   Squall nearly retched. "What?! No!"

   "But it's her birthday," Twister reasoned.

   "Yes," Squall agreed, "So you should call her."

   "What if she talks about FarmVille?" Twister whined.

   "Call your mom."

   Twister sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah," he began, "Well, you know those things with phones, where you have a plan, and you get service? What are they called?"

   "Service plans?"

   "Yeah, I don't have one of those."

   "Why?"

   "They wanted to lock me into a contract."

   "So?"

   "So, I don't like signing documents."

   "Why not, Twister?" Squall sighed.

   "What if they try to sell my signature?"

   Squall immediately burst out laughing. Twister, however, took this completely seriously.

   "The more stuff I—Shh!" Twister waited until Squall finally stopped laughing at him, then continued. "The more stuff I sign, the more my signature goes down in value."

   "I don't think something can be worth less than worthless, Twister."

   "HA HA HAAAA HAH!" For quite possibly the first time in his life, Twister had become sarcastic. "Eeeeeeveryone's laughing. ANYWAY, I'm never gonna sign another term contract again!"

   "So you're just... Not gonna have a phone anymore?"

   Twister grinned. "Au contraire! There is a phone company that doesn't make you sign a term contract."

   "Where?"

   "The Crystal Empire." Twister handed Squall a flyer.

   "'No term contract'," Squall read. "Why do you get promotional mail from the Crystal Empire?"

   "I'm open-minded."

   "But you're not in the Crystal Empire."

   "Not yet." Twister grinned, the spun around. "MATTEO! ORDER US SOME—"

   "Wabububublupblublupblup!" Squall interrupted. Twister turned around to face him. "If I don't call your mom, you're gonna go to the Crystal Empire."

   "Yes."

   "You think the value of your signature would go down more than the price of two tickets to the Crystal Empire?"

   "Ostensibly."

   "That word doesn't work there."

   "MATTEO! TICKETS!"

   Squall facehoofed.

   Once on the giant flying carriage, Twister noticed Squall's grumpy face. "You don't look so happy, Squeebuscus," he observed. "Here, have some peanuts."

   Squall didn't even look at him. "I'm fine." He did not sound fine.

   Twister opened a bag of peanuts and pulled one out, popping it into his mouth. He showed the bag to Squall. "Aw, man, look at those peanuts. Mmmm." He grabbed another one. "Mmmmmmmm."

   Squall gritted his teeth. "Turn around," he murmured.

   "You suuuure you don't wanna peanut?"

   "I don't want any peanuts," Squall assured him.

   "Okay, more for me." Twister then turned around and caught the attention of a nearby flight attendant, a black Batpony with a bleach white mane and tail. "Excuse me, hothothot? Could I get some more peanuts please?" The flight attendant wordlessly handed him another bag. "Thank you." Twister laid the bag on Squall's lap. "Here you go. Just in case."

   Twister gave Squall a caring look, then flinched as Squall threw the bag at him, hitting him right in the face. "Ow."

   At last, they had arrived at the Crystal Empire.

   Twister stepped down from the carriage. "We made it!" He declared. "Wow, it's like a different planet!"

   Squall shook his head. "Nope, not at all."

   "I feel heavier. Gravity must be stronger here."

   "Yeah, or you ate thirty-seven bags of peanuts."

   "Oh yeah." Twister then spun around to actually face Squall. "Hey, can I borrow your phone?"

   "For what?"

   Twister scoffed. "Uh, to set up my new service!" He paused, then grinned. "Unless you wanna do it. Do your best me voice."

   Squall cleared his throat. "HUHUH, LOOK AT ME! I'M TWISTBUSCUS! BLUHBLUHLUHLUH! BLUHLUH!"

   Twister shook his head. "Wow, that's terrible." He then snatched Squall's phone and dialed a number. After a bit, a female voice answered.

   "Thanks for calling Armors. How can I help you?"

   Twister let out a hyperdramatic gasp. "Wait! Are you a Crystal Pony?!"

   "Yeah."

   "I can understand you!" Twister put his hoof over the phone's receiver and leaned over to Squall. "Squeebuscus!" he whispered, "I speak Crystal Pony!"

   Squall flashed a mock smile. "And Idiot!"

   Twister shushed the now smug Squall, then put the Crystal Pony back on. "Umm, yes, I'd like to set up a plan with no term contract, please?"

   "Alright. Armors has just introduced a new plan."

   "Uh-huh."

   "It's about thirty-five bits a month"

   "Yeah."

   "For unlimited Empire-wide text and talk."

   "Thirty-five Crystalian bits?"

   "Yeah."

   "Per Crystalian month?"

   "Wow," Squall muttered in the background.

   "Yyyyyyes."

   "Alright! Sign me up!"

   "Okay, it's all set up."

   "Okay, thanks! Call me sometime; it's free."

   "No thanks," the mare sighed, "I'm good."

   "Okay bye love you too!" Twister gave Squall's phone back to him and picked up his own. "Alright, it's go time!" He then made the ultimate move: called his mom.

   Twister pressed the phone up to his ear, and before long a voice came on the line. "Hello?"

   "Happy birthday, Mom!"

   Silence. Then, "Uhh, it's not my birthday."

   "Oh, ok. I must be early. I'm on Empire time, so..."

   "Same time zones!" Squall supplied.

   "When is your birthday again, exactly?"

   "In four months."

   Twister flinched. "Oooooh! In four mooooonths!... So what're you doing?"

   "Playing FarmVille."

   "AHH!" Twister threw the phone as hard as he could.

   Squall came up to him. "It's not her birthday," he observed.

   Twister shook his head. "Nope."

   "And we're in the Crystal Empire."

   Twister chuckled. "Yeah." He started laughing, and eventually Squall let out a couple of laughs. The two began laughing harder and harder and harder, and just when it seemed the two might collapse into tears, Squall stopped laughing and lunged for Twister's throat. Twister let out a strangled plea for mercy as Squall tried strangling him, but his only "mercy" was for Squall to pin him to the ground. "Come here you little—!"

    "Ga—! K—! E—! Squ—! Squeebuscus! Squeebuscus! GERK!"

~END