A Better Love Story than Twilight

by PiercingSight

Rating: teen
Tags: Mr. Cake, Random, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 1176

A young Dazzle finds herself in(fatuated) love with a colt named Carry. These are her adventures as she tries to conquer his heart... and all the rest of him, too.

A young Dazzle finds herself infatuated love with a colt named Carry. These are her adventures as she tries to conquer his heart... and all the rest of him, too.

A story inspired by nothing other than my cripplingly sad romantic history real life and the madness that makes it a swirling vortex of emotion.

Enjoy!

Okay, all things aside, this is just a stupid story through which I can channel my sassiness. I'm not sassy in real life, so for all we know, this story will be intensely awful.
You've been warned.

PS: None of the characters represent me.

...really... they don't.

Published 2016-01-20 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-20 23:00:02 UTC

Ahhh, Ponyville. What a lovely place for a story such as this.

I want to tell you a story of love.

...well...

I'm not exactly sure that love is the correct word here, but... y'know... I'm trying.

Anyway, our story starts in the quaint little bundle of abodes known as Ponyville. A beautiful town with gentlecolts and lovely ladies galore, (with the exception of all the ugly weirdos, of course). Flowers bloomed year round, the weather was always perfect, and bathrooms stalls never smelled of anything other than soft and silky lilac.

On top of all these wonderful and magnificent things, love, that eternally sought after bringer of ~~pain and dispare~~ joy and happiness, was in the air... or maybe it was just that lovely bathroom smell.

In either case, it is here, upon this sickeningly happy backdrop that we find our hero, a young Carrot Cake, serving as the waiter at his parents' place of business: Sugar Cube Corner.

At this time in his life, he just went by Carry, and by some miracle of nature, he was still single. I mean, seriously! This guy had it all! Lanky, pale, pubescent, and fur graced by acne resembling the majestic volcanoes that covered the dragon lands. What's not to like? I mean, are all the mares here mentally disabled, or blind, or what?

And yet, despite this terribly unlucky setback, Carry had always dreamed of being a Mister to a Missus... "Mr. and Mrs. Cake."

Ahhh, the sound of the phrase just tickled his squeaky, pubescent vocal chords as he said them. "One day," said he, "I will find her, and we'll have a wonderful life and two wonderful children."

Little did he know that just outside the establishment, in a camouflaged tree base with a perfect vantage point for peering through all the windows - including his bedroom - sat a mare who had a similar dream: To be his Mrs. Cake.

And little did either of them know that fate would lead them to each other, and eventually they would be married, run the cake shop together, and make sweet, sweet love that would, after a time, uncover Carry's infertility which would push his wife to betrayal and–...

...oh... oops.

Uh... sorry about that. It appears I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

...

*cough* *cough*

...aaaaAANYway, this is where our story begins: Carry, a tree, and an order for one hundred jelly filled donuts.

It Begins!

So you know that weird feeling that you get where it feels like someone is watching you? Well, that is nothing compared to what Carry felt, mostly because, not two hoof lengths away, stood a young, slightly chubby, blue mare who was staring him straight in the eyes and wasn't blinking.

He had tried the simple 'How can I help you today, ma'am?' to attempt to break her out of her daze, and he even went so far as to ask a second time, but to no avail. She just stood there, staring at him with those pink, beady eyeballs that looked as if they could puncture a gaping chasm in the fabric of space and time. This was no 'is somepony watching me?' kinda feeling. This was an 'oh dear Celestia, why won't she stop staring!?' kinda feeling.

"Uh..."

So, as you might be able to tell, this is the mare I mentioned earlier. Y'know... that one that has the tree fort? Yeah, that one! Anyway, her name is Dazzle, and if it wasn't obvious, she is a bit obsessed with Carry. Like... I don't know if you understand. She freaking has a shrine of him in her closet! Like, she even wants to change her name to Cup just so that, ~~if~~ when she marries him, she can be Mrs. Cup Cake!

Seriously! This mare is crazy!

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

The dazzlingly handsome young Carry has no idea that he is staring into madness... okay maybe he has a hint, because she's not doing squat but stare at him, but he has certainly no idea the depth of such madness.

"Ma'am?"

*stare*

"..."

*stare*

Carry adjusts his collar nervously. "Um, I think I'll just-"

"Iwantonehundredjellyfilleddonuts!!"

"BUCK!!" Carry jumped in surprise. "I mean, uhm, could you repeat that? I didn't quite understand."

"I want one hundred jelly filled donuts." Her smile seemed to split her face in half, eerily giving the effect that her teeth wrapped all the way around her head.

That is really creepy, Carry thought.

"Eh... Yes, ma'am. Coming right up! It'll be about 10 minutes, so if you wouldn't mind taking a seat over there," Carry said, indicating a small table not far from the counter. Trying not to look back at the terrifying, prospective marefriend, he hastily trotted into the back room to begin the process of donut making.

Waitin' for donuts

Dazzle waddled over to a nice table by the window. She pulled out a walkie tal-... Wait, where was she keeping tha-?

"Khkkh!!" she spat into the receiver, "Blurburry to Smashed Fruit! Come in, Smashed Fruit! Over!"

Carry looked up from his bowl of batter towards the tightly closed (and very soundproof) kitchen door, his glorious locks waving with the motion. He handsomely wondered why in the freaking heck the mare was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Deciding it was best just to get her her donuts, he continued his art.

Just outside the open window right next to Dazzle, an also very handsome colt popped out of the bushes with his own walkie talkie.

"Kchk! This is Smashed Fruit! Over!"

Okay, so lemme pause for a moment to explain the sich here. Hughbert (that's this dude's name) has been after this chick for a while. He'd been her best friend for a few years now, helping her with homework, playin' tabletop RPGs with her, and even telling her that she wasn't ugly and fat when she really was. He was truly her best friend.

And, yep, those italics were intentional. His penchant for delicious jams and jellies was always somewhat off putting to her, and so into the friendzone he went.

Poor guy. No pony deserves such a fate.

Thankfully, however, he still has no idea that he's friendzoned. It's gonna be a while before he finds out and spirals into a manic depressive state wherein he drowns his sorrows in gradually larger and larger containers of jelly, completely abandoning jam because it reminds him too much of her.

So for now, he's totally chill to help her on her secret mission to get hitched.

"The nuts are being burned! I repeat, the nuts are being burned! Over!" Dazzle yelled.

For some reason, that code made Hughbert really uncomfortable. "Uh... copy that!"

Dazzle waited patiently, but not really. Passive-aggressively leaning over, she whispered, "Ya hafta say 'over'!"

"Oh... Uh... Khkhc! Over!"

Suddenly, the kitchen door squeaks open and Carry pops his head out. He says,

Author's Note

...aaaaaand, cliffhanger!

Yeah!

*holds up his hand for a high five*