Yaks Are Jerks

by Avox

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1128

In the wake of Pinkie Pie's fabulous party, Princess Celestia lets Twilight in on an imperative secret about yaks.

In the wake of Pinkie Pie's fabulous party, Princess Celestia lets Twilight in on an imperative secret about yaks.

They're jerks.

Published 2015-07-15 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-15 19:00:02 UTC

Among Other Things

As the yaks’ train steadily grew smaller against the vast horizon—the sheep long since safely relocated to Fluttershy’s cottage—Princess Celestia finally saw it fit to let out a sigh of relief.

“Twilight,” Celestia said, turning to face her former student, “you really have outdone yourself this time. I’m truly very impressed with you.”

“Hardly,” came the mumbled reply. “Princess, I almost started war with the yaks! I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself if it had come to that…”

Celestia let out a burst of giggles. “Oh, war-schwar. Equestria has the most powerful military force on the planet anyway; we could’ve taken them on. Easy.”

Twilight blinked twice, then, following a brief silence, pursed her lips. “Princess, have you had too much hard cid—”

“I really ought to throw you and Pinkie a party for everything you’ve done. You really do deserve as much for putting so much effort into befriending the yaks,” she interjected, slurring from word to word without hesitating. “And besides, normal Canterlot celebrations are so humdrum without you and your friends anyway.”

“If you’re going to throw one, throw Pinkie Pie a party, not me,” Twilight said, head hung low. “This was all her doing. All I ever did was make things worse.”

Just then, a waiter carrying a tray of mugs filled with a dark, effervescent drinks trotted by. Celestia grinned and plucked one off the tray with her magic, levitating it in front of her. “Don’t mind if I do! Over the teeth and through the gums—watch out stomach, here it comes!”

Twilight opened her mouth as if to object, but by the time she could’ve said anything to stop her, the drink was already completely gone. She opened and closed her mouth again a few times before settling on the words. “…Frankly, Princess, I’m actually kind of impressed.”

“Have one yourself! Let loose a little, Twily. It is a party, after all.”

Twilight sighed. “…One of us should probably stay sober. So no, I’m fine, thank you.”

There was a long pause. Celestia stopped and looked down at Twilight, eyes squinted, scrutinizing her carefully. “…Wait. You’re not actually upset about the yaks, are you?”

Twilight’s ears splayed. “I mean, yeah, sort of. A war is still a war, even if we would have—ahem—’won it easy‘. Many innocent lives could have been lost all because of my stupid mistake.”

After a moment of hesitation, a smile played across Celestia’s features. Before long it grew into a full-blown grin, and she erupted into a fit of boisterous laughter. After a minute, she crumpled to the ground she was laughing so hard—which in turn only made her laugh harder.

Twilight nervously glanced around. Fortunately, most ponies were too engrossed into their own conversations to notice Celestia’s little outburst. Still, she did her best to pull Celestia back up onto her hooves; this whole fiasco had the potential to be more of a PR nightmare than those leaked sock photos of Luna last Nightmare Night.

Wiping a tear from her eye, Celestia said, “Twilight, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.” Pausing, she leaned in uncomfortably close and whispered into Twilight’s ear in a strangely sultry way, “Yaks. Are. Jerks.”

Twilight staggered backward, cheeks tinged a slight pink. “W-what?”

Celestia let out another burst of giggles. Upon seeing Twilight's expression, however, her own sobered quickly... though that was the only thing sober about her. “Twilight, don't you know that Yakyakistan is currently ’at war’ with forty-seven different sovereign nations?”

“What!?”

“…Wait, you do realize that Yakyakistan is only home to, like, maybe ten yaks total, right?”

“WHAT!?”

Celestia nodded. “They’re the laughing stock of the International Union, really. With zero military prowess and such brutish, hot-headed tempers, that’s all they can ever really be.”

“I mean, that’s a tad rude of you to say, don’t you th—”

“I had a liaison with one once.”

Twilight stopped and took a deep breath, trying to regain her calm. Just then, the same waiter carrying the tray of drinks trotted by. Angrily, she called out to him. “Hey!”

“Yes, Princess Twilight?” he replied.

“What’s in those drinks?” she asked.

“Actually, it’s just dirt dissolved in pure rubbing alcohol,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Works like a charm.”

Twilight blinked twice, dumbfounded. “That’s… that’s incredibly unhealthy! Why, the negative effects that could have on your body are practically deadl—”

He let out a good-natured laugh. “Hehe! Yaks sure do like their alcohol strong, right?”

Twilight opened her mouth as if to object, but ended up shaking her head instead; it was best to drop the subject. Turning back to Celestia, she said, “A liaison? With a yak? Really?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t act so surprised, Twilight. I was only thirteen millennia old at the time. Hardly even a teenager, really.”

Twilight bit her tongue. “…Just how old are you now, then?”

Celestia donned a cheeky grin. “A true lady never tells.”

She raised a hoof to rub her temple. “I need a drink…”

“To be honest, it was kind of nice being treated so roughly for once. Ponies always walk on eggshells around us royalty—it’s nice to find someone who doesn’t tread so lightly,” Celestia recalled with her lips pulled up into a half-grin, lost in her own memories.

“Waiter!” Twilight called out to the same stallion passing by once again. Gesturing to Celestia, she said, “I’ll take two of whatever she’s been having, please.”

Mumbling under her breath, she added, “Heaven knows I can’t deal with this sober.”

“I mean, my liaison with the yaks has absolutely nothing on Luna’s little adventure with the dragons. Now their prince is wild, lemme tell you!”

Both of Twilight’s mugs were empty by the time Celestia even finished her sentence.

“What, is it some unspoken requirement that all princesses must have a… liaison with the royalty of some other species?” Twilight mumbled.

Celestia shrugged. “Might as well be. Now that I think about it, I’m sure that Chrysalis and Cadance had a little fling going on for a while there.”

“You do realize that I was kidding, ri—”

“Guess that just leaves you, Twily.” After a prolonged pause, Celestia shot Twilight a devilish smirk. “…Y’know, I hear from the grapevine that Lord Tirek is still single…”

Twilight’s eyes rolled back into her head, and with an unceremonious thud she collapsed into an unconscious pile of fur and regret.

Just then, the waiter trotted up the duo again. Celestia, suddenly possessing her normal composure once more, tossed him a few bits. “Thank you for your help, Saffron.”

He shot her a smirk. “No prob, princess.”

Celestia let out a curt chuckle, glancing down at Twilight's prone form. “I swear, she’s far too easy.”