by Kezraux

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Adventure, Human
Length: 1813

A small group of magical artifact hunters go on an epic quest in the name of glory, friendship, sexually transmitted diseases and a sentient, giant demon chicken.

Laramie, Ashen Hoof, Derek, Iced Sky and Princess Luna are all great friends. In their spare time, they hunt for magical items.

One cloudy morning, however, they awake in their little village (And Luna wherever the fuck she sleeps) to complete silence, rather than the familiar chirping of birds or the rustling of wind through the leaves. Outside is a demon, and he has a job for the group. If they fail, they will all catch advanced cutie pox. Except Derek, who'll probably just get syphilis or something.

Published 2015-07-16 02:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-21 19:22:29 UTC

Larry Me Larry Me hohoh i'm so lonely

Laramie the unicorn awoke on a particularly cold, foggy morning to the sounds of nothingness.

He blindly reached around with his left foreleg until he found his glasses on the nightstand. He shoved them on roughly, then sat up in his bed.

He quietly levitated a small mirror to get a look at himself. Bright blue eyes stared back at him. His orange mane was as messy as ever, and his usually light grey fur was still scorched black in places from the dragon that he and his 'magical treasure hunting crew of what may or may not be mentally deficient ponies to try and get Luna out and socializing more because god knows the diarchy needs it about now' had fought earlier in the week.

It was Sunday.

He set the mirror down.

Upon exiting his bedroom, Laramie was greeted with a long, dark hallway. Stepping silently over the corpses littering said hallway, Laramie finally made it to the end, his hooves covered in crusty blood.

It was set up already to be one of those days.

Author's Note

hjddxttodhdhrxo;gl

iced sky more like 'I spy' am i right up top

Iced Sky wasn't a complicated mare. She enjoyed hiking, tea, and some good ol' ILLEGAL BLACK MAGIC..

She got out of bed, trotted out of her bedroom, into the living room, then exited through the front door into the unusually quiet town of Ponyville.

Author's Note

Do you ever feel like your friend group just sort of 'deals' with you being there, and actually wishes that you would just leave because you're too socially awkward?

oh hey it's this guy again he's still alive woahoh

Derek was calm and collected.

He was in limbo.

After being energy beam'd to death by Tharaal Of The Ice, he had been deposited into said limbo by Jaaa the Demonic Chicken. However, he soon felt a rushing of wind. Next thing Derek knew, he was in Ponyville town square.

Author's Note

htggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Ashen Hoof and Grakk the Unthinkable

Ashen Hoof was running through the Everfree. Where to, she didn't know. Anywhere away from the beast chasing her.

A roar sounded off in the distance, piercing her eardrums with the sheer velocity of it. Where had things gone wrong? What had started as a simple search for a mystical spear had soon devolved into magical beasts attempting to run her down.

Ashen craned her neck to see behind her, and wished she hadn't.

Trees were toppling in the wake of the twenty foot tall monster chasing her. his name was Grakk, and he had three eyes and eighteen horns, with a large hole in his chest where most of his vital organs should've been. He was terrifying, to say the least. Ashen dove off to the side as the demon let loose a beam of energy from each of his eyes, the power of the attack burning into the ground a good couple feet.

Ashen was no longer on a set path, but rather was running through thorny bushes, vines and flying, tiny insects to try and reach safety.

And safety was reached, as Princess Luna herself teleported in front of the beast and let loose a blast of magic of her own. It struck Grakk in the eyes, and he stumbled backwards, temporarily blinded. Not a second later, another beam of magic tore through his throat, followed by yet another which slammed into his forehead and knocked him to the ground, dead.

Luna turned to Ashen Hoof, a stern look on her face.

"Why wouldst-"

She stopped talking as Ashen Hoof turned and trotted away, not wanting to hear a rant from the awkward moon goddess.

Luna followed with a sigh, until both of them ended up in Ponyville.

Author's Note

Love me please

TOWN SQUARE WHY NOT TOWN CIRCLE RACISM MUCH STOP OPPRESSING ME

Stop oppressing me

Cell

Miguel Francisco laid on the frigid, clammy floor of his dungeon cell, sniffling and sobbing. The dungeon was underground, and prisoners were held in rows of dungeon cells, arranged similarly to the rows of products in a grocery store. Miguel could not see the prisoners next to him in his cubic cell, but he co Suddenly, Miguel felt a horrid smell creep into his nose. He stopped his weeping, his face shifting from a ripe, tear-filled despair to a sickly white expression of absolute horror. The stench he had detected was none other than the disgusting reek of Duke Fazalupin

Miguel quickly receded into a dark corner of his cell and hung his head, trying to remain quiet. The smell strengthened, soon potent enough to curse Miguel with a series of sharp, painful stomach spasms and a dense nausea. Miguel wasn't strong-willed, or anything. He began dry heaving immediately, coughing and blubbering, while a fresh batch of tears streamed down his face.

Duke Fazalupin approached, slithering.

Our Adventure Begins

Laramie, Ashen Hoof, Iced Sky, Derek, and Princess Luna were all walking through the Everfree Forest. It was the middle of the day at this point, so it wasn't very dangerous if you didn't count the giant energy demons with more than two eyes.

The fog had cleared up completely, so our heroes were able to see much better. Before long though, Princess Luna began to complain of her hooves being sore, so everyone had to stop and set up camp.

They had no camp upsetting materials, though, so they had to settle for some sticks and grass instead.

And so they silently sat in the crudely constructed shelter, waiting for Luna to stop bitching about her fucking hooves.

Author's Note

this is cool

please

It took about ten hours for Luna to finally speak up.

"Our hooves are quite at rest now. We art able to continue, if thou all art read-"

"Why the fuck do you speak in old english?" Laramie asked out of the blue.

"W-we art-"

"And pluralize yourself? What's the deal there?"

And with that Luna began crying.

Derek, being the man of the house, picked up Luna and carelessly tossed her outside the shelter.

We thank Derek for this service to his country.

Author's Note

i am noteworthy?

yes this is

Derek and Laramie both awoke to the sounds of crying. Ashen Hoof was resting a hoof on Iced Sky's withers, obviously trying to comfort the broken mare.

Derek and Laramie looked at each other solemnly, before stepping towards the two ponies.

"eyo bitch want to fucking fight" Laramie yelled obnoxiously.

"W-what?" Iced Sky asked, bewildered and looking up at Laramie through her tears.

Ashen stepped in front of her friend.

"What's wrong with you?! Can't you see that she's hurting?!" she screeched. She was in complete awe. How could her friends be acting so strange all of a sudden?

Derek left the situation for a moment to look outside. Princess Luna was nowhere to be seen. And while this wasn't his fault, the chances of her being scooped up by a roc or manticore were definitely there, so he decided to be the man of the house once again and look for the prissy annoying piece of shit princess whom he wishes would just die.

Back inside the abomination that barely qualified as a tent, Laramie was shouting and beating Ashen Hoof upside her stupid cunt head with his own two hooves.

"THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY. YOU THINK I LIKE THIS YOU SLUT?!" Laramie was screaming, his hooves stained with Ashen Hoof's blood and tears.

Iced Sky was screaming. Screaming and crying.

Further in the forest, Derek was slowly walking, looking for signs of Princess Luna. It didn't take him long to find her hanging from a tree branch by her forelegs. Her face was blank and her eyes were slightly off to the sides. It made Derek wonder just what kind of ruler she was. Perhaps Celestia had to struggle each day with the prospect of just ending her complete failure of a sister.

"Luna."

Luna blinked.

"Luna."

Luna blinked.

"Luna."

Luna blinked.

Derek took a careful step towards the princess and undid her hooves from the branch, letting her fall the two feet to the ground.

She flopped onto the dirt, limp but obviously alive.

It was definitely one of those days.

Author's Note

u want more huh say hi to the folks in jersey for me

The Meeting

Derek, Iced Sky, Laramie, Ashen Hoof and Princess Luna were all solemnly standing in a circle.

"Where art all of the-"

"Where's the rest of Ponyville at? It's super quiet," Derek commented.

Luna stared at her hooves, embarassed. The other ponies were laughing at her. She could feel it. She began scraping at the dirt with her forehooves. What if her social life was ruined by a mistake similar to this one? She would have to be more careful. She just wanted ponies to like her. Was that too much to ask? She really just wanted a friend. Someone to confide in. Someone who could hold her and tell her things were going to be al-

"So, is it just us?" Laramie asked.

Iced Sky nodded. "It would seem so."

They all stood around for a few more moments.

Suddenly, a ripping, bloodcurdling screech began to sound in the distance. They all looked to see a giant chicken quickly approaching.

It landed in front of them with a crash, still screaming, its eyes glowing an eerie yellow, a stark contrast to the subtle fog in the town.

Luna spoke up.

"Who art-"

"Who are you?!" Laramie interrupted loudly and obnoxiously.

Author's Note

I have come

Jaaa the Demonic Chicken

Jaaa looked at the small group of mortals before him. They stared back up at him, curiosity and fear in their eyes.

"Go find the Doorway to The Unholy Dungeon. All of you. Then return with the Slightly more holy, but still pretty Unholy Amulet." Jaaa finally commanded.

Princess Luna narrowed her eyes.

"And what makes thou think that we-"

"Why should we?" Iced Sky piped up.

Jaaa gave a bellowing laugh. "If you do not, I will infect you with the Cutie Pox."

The ponies gasped.

"Advanced Cutie Pox."

The ponies gasped, slightly louder this time.

Derek simply shrugged.

Jaaa looked down at him curiously. "And I shall give you syphilis, monkey," he stated.

And so the group departed from Ponyville, their hopes quite low. Even Princess Luna had no idea where to find the Doorway. They only had a simple clue that Jaaa had given them. That clue was, 'The Gryphons may or may not be able to help you.'

Fun fun all around, it would seem.

Author's Note

stop