I sat at the kitchen table reading the morning edition of The Equestria Times Daily, holding it in one hand as I held a demitasse between the thumb and forefinger of the other, occasionally taking tiny sips of my excellent, fresh brewed espresso.
Nona stepped into the kitchen and sat opposite me.
“What’s in the newsparchments this morning?”, she asked.
“Just the typical shit I read every day”, I muttered absently as I read on, “‘Parasprites Invade Maresburg: Town In Panic’”, and “‘Pack Of Timberwolves Reported Near Saddleboro: Local Sheriff Investigates’”, You know... Just another day in Ponyville.”
I heard a sigh, peeked at Nona over the top of my newsparchment. She looked tired.
“Are you okay?”, I asked, “Didn’t you sleep okay last night?”
“How could I sleep with you snoring like a horny, roaring water buffalo?”, she asked, giving me a hard look.
‘Oh, fuck me!’, I thought, ‘Not this, again.’ I returned to reading my paper. Just then a little headline on the third page caught my eye: ‘Witnesses Report Princess Luna Seen Running Naked At Night Though The Streets Of Canterlot’. I wondered if anyone had managed to get pictures. I sure fuckin’ hoped so! Fuck me! No pictures.
“You should go see Zecora and see if she has something to treat your snoring”, said Nona through my paper. ‘Oh, Please, baby! Don’t start up with this again!’, I thought, cringing.
Every fucking morning for the last week! It was the same thing! 'Your snoring kept me awake again last night!' Shit! Did I ever say anything about how she buzzed her bug wings in her sleep? No!
Sure, it was like trying to sleep next to a revving weed whacker but so what? I’d gotten used to it! Why couldn’t she get used to my snoring? I said nothing and continued to read my newsparchment.
"I should have some coffee but we don't have any", she said. Little did she know. Then she eyed the little demitasse in my hand.
“So, what’s that?”, she asked.
“What’s what?”, I asked back, peeking at her over my the parchment.
“That!”, she said, pointing at the demitasse I held so very daintily between thumb and forefinger. Dainty? Since when was I dainty? I was as dainty as a rabid squirrel in a nut factory.
“It’s espresso”, I said absently, trying to continue with the morning newsparchments.
"what's that?", she asked.
Oh,fuck! I was in trouble.
"Uh... Coffee?", I whispered, grimacing.
“I wanna try some!”, she said, enthusiastically.
What?! Did I just hear her right? Was she asking to try espresso? Didn’t she remember what happened that time when she sucked down half of my cappuccino at a Starbuck’s?
It was bad enough she was so hyper that she attracted everyone’s attention but did she really have to moon all those pedestrians from the bus window bare-assed no less? I was beginning to suspect she had the memory of a speck of dust. But, maybe that was from lack of sleep? From my snoring? Oh, fuck me!
“No”, I said flatly, returning to my newsparchments.
“Why not?”, she asked, “it smells good. So what if I can’t taste it, it might still feel good in my mouth. You know, like a nice, juicy moth.”
Just then I was afflicted by the memory of an evening not too ago when Nona ecstatically raced around the back yard devouring a hoard of poor little migrating Breezies. Poor bastards! I was horrified. To me it was like watching Godzilla eating Tinker Bell’s cousins!
I had to grab her arm, sit her down and explain to her that they weren’t moths, they were Breezies! Sentient bug ponies! She felt horrible after that but, hey, at least she stopped eating them, much to my great relief.
“No!”, I insisted.
“Aw, come on!”, she pouted. I peeked at her over my newsparchment. Oh, fuck! No! Please no! The Puppy Dog Eyes! My one weakness. Oh, fuck me!
“Please?”, she whined, batting those too large and sparkling eyes at me.
“Oh, fuck me!”, I muttered, rolling my eyes as I caved in. Again. And handed her the demitasse. At that moment hiding under the table seemed like a very good idea.
She took the demitasse and, instead of taking a tiny sip she downed the whole thing in one gulp like a drunk sucking down a Jack Daniels shot! I cringed in horror, dreading what was most likely to happen next.
My horror turned to horrified dreadful horror as she suddenly sat bolt upright in her chair stiff as a board. Her eyes grew round, big as platters and her little bug wings roared like the scream of an old war plane locked in a steep dive!
She started manically looking around the room. Why did I have the impression she’d suddenly and instantly developed microscopic vision?
“Oh, shit! This place is filthy!”, she blurted out as she back flipped off her chair, landing upright a second later in the middle of the living room.
A moment later, frantic scrambling in the closet, accompanied by the sounds of crashing boxes, breaking glass and the distinct sound of creaking, bending metal.
A moment later she raced back into the living room, a vacuum cleaner in one hand, a cleaning rag in the other and a feather duster in her mouth.
After that everything was pretty much a blur as she raced about, the vacuum cleaner screeching one second, the swish of the duster the next and the... How do you describe the sound of a cleaning rag? Fuck if I know! I know I heard it! More horrified than ever all I could think of was that it was like watching The Flash do housework!
I dropped the newsparchment on the table, rose apprehensively from my seat. My eyes bugging in terror, I scurried for the door.
By this time Nona’s motions were a pure high speed blur as I watched the living room get cleaned. It was like watching a good housekeeping video played at five hundred times normal speed!
Ah! Finally! I reached the door! I pulled it open, slammed it behind me as I raced, terrified, to freedom!
...
I returned two hours later to absolute confusion. Weird! I knew what part of Heartblossom street we lived on. I knew our house was blue, but I couldn’t find it!
Just then something caught my eye. It was our happy little lawn badger, but the now freshly and perfectly mown lawn it was sitting on lay in front of a yellow house, not a blue one. That’s when the smell of fresh paint hit my nose. Oh, fuck me! Nona’d painted the house! Including the trim! Dare I go inside? What would I find? I had to piss really badly, I had no choice.
Even more terrified now I gingerly opened the door and peeked inside.
Much to my great relief I found Nona sleeping head down across the front of the couch, her legs up, her hooves resting on the wall behind it.
The urge to piss grew overwhelming. Quietly, so as not to wake Nona, I tip toed into the downstairs bathroom and flipped on a light.
I was temporarily blinded by the sudden, intense, sparkling shine of perfectly polished porcelain, gleaming chrome and a mirror so spotless it looked like I could walk into it!
I lifted the toilet lid, stared down at it more horrified than before. The thing literally sparkled and shined! Little reflections of light glimmered from it like tiny diamonds! I’d never seen such a clean toilet, before! I began to wonder if I was actually having a psychotic break that was manifesting itself as a Tidy Bowl nightmare.
Not daring to sully that pristine perfect cleanliness, I ran to the back of the house, through the back door, whipped out good ol’ Mister Happy and proceeded to piss over the porch railings into the rose bushes beyond.
I sighed with relief as I put the li’l guy away, zipped up and cautiously, carefully headed back into the house.
What would I find now? I dare not think about it! Still, I was curious. (Oh, fuck me!) Full of dread, I crept up the stairs to our bedroom.
I slowly opened the door, peeked into the bedroom. My eyes bugged and my jaw dropped. The bedroom! It was perfect! There wasn’t a spot of dirt to be seen anywhere! I took a bit from my pocket, approached the bed.
I bounced it off the covers. It ricocheted several times up and down like a super ball until it finally came to rest a moment later, leaving one serious chipped dent in the ceiling! I gasped!
Suddenly a thought (oh, fuck me!) Hit me... This house was now so fresh and clean, such a perfect model for Better Homes And Gardens, that I could never possibly bring myself to ever touch a thing ever again!
No way was I going to destroy the absolute perfection of the cleanliness of this pristine house! I quietly returned to the kitchen, picked up the newsparchment and began checking the rental listings. Yes, I’d have to move!
Just then I heard the sound of Nona rustling, rising sleepily from the bed. She stumbled into that perfect bathroom, turned on the light, closed the door. A moment later I heard the toilet flush. I was so overwhelmed with horror I screamed and fainted!
“Baby? Baby, are you okay?”, came Nona’s worried voice a moment later through the echoing fog of my unconsciousness, “what happened?”
I opened my eyes and looked up into that hideously ugly yet beautiful face and smiled, glad to see that she was back to normal.
“Do me a favor?”, I asked.
“Sure, baby, anything!”, she said.
“If you ever even think of drinking espresso again, kill yourself?”
She laughed, cradled my head in her lap, sweetly stroked my hair.
Time to go see Zecora about a cure for my snoring.
