Grand Theft Auto: The Equestrian Heists

by Chad

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 2633

When a gang of bank robbers get thrown into Equestria, they decide that sticking up joints is more magical than friendship will ever be.

"I'm reaching for Jesus and not my penis, Princess!"

Criminals are supposed to be scary, not autistic. Yet, this gang of thugs are some of the best. They rob banks while telling dead baby jokes. They break into military bases just to shit on the runway. They take on the cops just to let them know it's a prank, bro.

They are truly mad… But mostly just edgy…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-22 06:50:54 UTC

Chapter 1: God's Vagina

It was a beautiful day in the great city of Los Santos. Birds were chirping, bees were buzzing, bank robbers were robbing banks... Yeah, that is actually normal in this place.

"Gimme all of your money, faggot." Stated a man in a black suit with a monkey mask on his head.

"Y-You're already taking the money! You're friend's in the vault r-right now!" Replied the scared receptionist, who worked for the small, yet wealthy Feelca Bank.

The man in the mask replied by shooting his pump-action shotgun near her head, causing her to scream and get lower to the floor. "That's not very nice, do it again and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to steal all of your money."

"But you are-" Another discharge of heavy lead flew past her head and into the ground, shutting her up.

The Monkey Man put a finger to his earpiece, allowing him to talk. "You done yet? I'm craving some cheese."

"This drill is retarded. It's father probably beat it as a child." Replied a voice. "And you can't have cheese, it's all mine."

"Well shit, I guess I should just spend all my money on some more poosy." Said the Monkey Man, purposely mispronouncing the word used to describe that thing you like putting your penis in.

"That's all you spend it on."

The Monkey Man shed a single tear.

"K, I be done." All of a sudden, a man in a similar suit and a camouflage ski-mask ran around the corner with a gray duffel bag. "Let's kill some pooolice!"

With their job done, they rushed outside just in time for two police cars to show up on the scene, all four of them armed with pump-action shotguns just like The Monkey Man. But, The Monkey Man was not going to have any of it. He quickly took aim at the nearest officer and blasted a huge hole in his chest, giving his partner in crime a chance to get into the getaway vehicle while the other cops took cover.

"Fuck you shitty pigs." Yelled the man in the monkey mask as he got into the getaway vehicle's driver seat and sped off down the highway. He glanced over at his friend who was holding a duffel bag. "You get dat money?"

"No, Lester made me get another stupid safety deposit box."

"Awww. Why does he even pay us to do this? Is there something important inside of it or something?"

"Dunno, I never pay attention to that nerd."

The man in the monkey mask nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we only care about the money part."

"Speaking of-" He paused for a second to lean out the window and fire his pistol at the pursuing cop cars, managing to hit one's front left tire causing it to fly off the road and crash. "Speaking of which, this box is more valuable than the others or something. Lester's paying extra this time. I guess it's something cool, like a glow in the dark dildo."

This made the man in the monkey mask think to himself. "Hey, dude."

"Yeah?"

"We should keep this one for ourselves."

"Cool, but what about Lester? I'm fine with killing him, but we kinda need him for stealing shit."

The Monkey Man looked up ahead on the road to see a bridge with a huge, military helicopter flying above it. It was carrying a large magnet underneath it, ready to pick them up. "Let's just ignore him and call him a bitch if he complains about not getting it."

"'Kay." Said the man in the camouflage ski-mask as the magnet plucked them from the road and flew off into the distance.

"And then I said, 'I fucked your mom last night.' This was then followed by me repeatedly stabbing him in the balls." Said a guy in a fancy, black suit vest with a bowtie, top hat, slacks, and dress shoes making him look like a sir. This man was also very stoned, which is why he did not notice two of his very best friends inter his home. "And that's why you should never call me the N word."

"You mean nigga?" Asked one of the two dudes that walked in.

The stoned gentleman turned around and smiled. "No, the offensive one."

"Oh... Well we got some news." Stated the man who was originally wearing a camouflage ski-mask and suit. He now wore a black leather jacket, leather driving gloves, a gray beanie, sunglasses, jeans, and a pair of leather boots. That is right, baby, he is a badass, biker dude. "We fucked Lester in the ass."

"Really?" Asked the stoned gentleman.

"No, metaphorically."

"Oh... So what'd you do?"

"We kept the shit he was paying us to steal for him." The Biker Dude walked up to the coffee table and threw down the safety deposit box. "We didn't get payed, but we get to keep whatever cool shit that's in here."

"Cole, you're a fucking dumbass." Said the gentleman, finally revealing one of the characters' names. His name was Coleyon5, or Cole for short.

"Yeah, Cole, you're a fucking dumbass." Said The Monkey Man.

Coleyon spun around and pointed at him dramatically. "It was your idea, Tree! You're the fucking dumbass." He yelled, revealing another name. The Monkey Man's name was UltraTree. And, oh what the hell, here is some more description porn for you losers. He was a skinny guy with no shirt on, yet he still had on some cargo shorts and sneakers. The monkey mask stays on... always.

"You're just mad because you're a bitch." Said UltraTree.

"I'm not a bitch, but you're about to have a rake shoved up your man-snatch,bitch." This caused UltraTree to cover his butthole with both hands.

"Guys, guys!" Yelled the stoned gentleman. "What if we're all bitches?"

Everyone in the room looked at him.

"Shut up, Beast." Stated UltraTree, letting you know that the stoned gentleman's name was Beast, which is short for Sexy_Beast69

"Yeah, fuck off."

"If anyone here is a bitch, it's you." This fourth voice attracted the attention of everybody in the room. The voice came from a man who was over in the kitchen sipping wine from a glass. "He's been telling me all about why you shouldn't say nigger."

Sexy_Beast69 gasped loudly. "Oi! Have I ever told you what happened to the last guy who said that word around me!? Have I Koonce?" Koonce's full name was xXKoonceXx. He wore a full-body, yellow hazmat suit with black boots and gloves.

"Shut up, all of you." Coleyon said as he popped a squat on the couch. He looked around the High End apartment that belonged to Sexy Beast. They all lived there, but Beast was the one who bought it. Cole's eyes then fell upon the safety deposit box. He smiled and rubbed his hands together whilst all his friends gathered around.

"Open it, faggot." UltraTree stated.

"Fine, but if it's got spiders in it then I'm blaming you." He replied right before he swiftly yanked it open. A bright light quickly filled the room, tripping Sexy Beast out.

"OH SHIT! IT'S GOD'S VAGINA!!!" Screamed Sexy Beast.

"OH BOY!!!" Tree yelled excitedly as he dived right into the small box and was sucked up by the light.

"Lester's a magic portal collector! Of course!" Koonce shouted as he reached out to touch the light, but was also sucked up.

Coleyon pulled out his Micro SMG and got ready to shoot the small portal, but had his small weapon yanked from his hands and sucked up as well. "Bitch, I found that on a dead body! IT'S MINE!" He yelled as he to jumped into the portal.

"Oh no, the peer pressure is strong with this one." Stated Beast as he jumped into the air and painfully flopped to the floor. "Shit." He then got up and dived right next to the portal and hit his head on the coffee table. "Damnit." Finally, he reached his hand up weakly, touched the portal, and was sucked right in. And for plot reasons, the box shut itself once everyone in the room was safely inside.

Sexy Beast flew through a magic portal floating lazily above the ground right before he landed face first. "Fuck a duck in a truck, that hurt!" This sentence was replied to with a swift kick to his ribs, causing him to yelp then groan.

"Hey! Don't fucking swear, bitch." Commanded Koonce as he reached down and helped his friend up. They both looked around at the scene. They were in a beautiful meadow, surrounded by flowers and cute animals running around.

"Where's Cole and Tree?" Beast asked as he continued to put pressure on his injured ribs.

"They felt like this place was to pretty, so they started a fire. I think that they're also having an Irish bar fight..." They both looked behind them to see a raging fire, surrounding the two dumbasses who were circling each other with their fists in the air.

"Yer from teh next town over so I don't like ya!" Yelled Cole as he and Tree started beating each other savagely.

Sexy Beast then looked off to the right to see a small village. 'Lazy writing...' He thought as he saw a few small colorful creatures leave the village. "Hey, look, it's a walking rainbow."

Koonce looked towards the small creatures running their way. "Naw, that's just a bunch of pussies." He said after seeing what the colors actually were. He then pulled his AP Pistol out and pointed it at the creatures. Sexy Beast followed his example and unholstered his Combat MG from his endless pocket.

The things finally arrived and halted a few feet away from the strange group of criminals. "Rainbow, put the fire out, I'll deal with them." Said a purple unicorn with wings. Another one of the horses that had wings flew up above the fire and onto a cloud, where it began to bounce up and down making the cloud rain somehow.

Coleyon and UltraTree both stopped fighting and looked at the ponies once they realized that their lovely fire was being put out. "Holy jizz in my coffee, it's a bunch of horses."

"Lame." Tree stated. He then pulled out his RPG and aimed it at the ponies.

"Hold on, we don't mean you any harm!" Yelled the purple one. "We just came to put out the fire; which I'm guessing you all started it, right?"

"No, it was Cole." Tree snitched.

"Yeah, the one in the leather jacket." Koonce agreed.

"I'm outta pot..." Said Beast, as he dug through his endless pockets. It also looks like he had dropped his Combat MG.

"So, why the hay were you tryin' to burn up the meadow!? Huh!?" Yelled the rainbow maned one who just finished putting out the fire.

"It was funny." Cole claimed as he started poking a burned up rabbit.

"C-Could you please leave that alone?" Asked the purple one, as she stared at the dead rabbit. "You've done enough to the poor thing."

"Hold up, I'm almost done..."

"Seriously, stop it."

"Make me, faggot."

"Excuse me!?" She slightly yelled out of anger.

"Okay, I'm done." Cole said. He looked the purple unicorn with wings in the eye and said some manly words. "That's a very political erection you have."

The purple horse slightly blushed at the strange comment. "Uh... It's a horn..."

"Ooo, kinky." UltraTree said as he began to rub the missile on his rocket launcher in a very sexual way.

"Eh... Look, could you all just calm down for a minute?" The purple horse asked kindly, but got no reply. "Please?" After she used the magic word, they all put their weapons away; making her relax. "Alrighty then. Let me introduce my-"

"My name is Coleyon5, but you can just call me Cole if ya want." Cole interrupted.

"I'm UltraTree, the one and only." Tree said with a wave.

"The name's xXKoonceXx." He finished his sentence by holding out his hand to shake, even though the ponies were close to ten feet away.

"Seriously, does anyone have any weed?" Asked Beast as he looked around, expecting an answer.

"Oh, and this is Sexy_Beast69." Tree said as he scratched his mighty balls.

The purple unicorn with wings had waited with a hint of annoyance on her face throughout the introductions. She recomposed herself and smiled. "Nice to meet you all. I am Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship."

Her friends walked up next to her on both side and began to introduce themselves. "My name's Pinkie Pie!"

"I'm AppleJack." She said as she gave the humans an unsure look.

"I-I'm... Fluttershy..." Said the butter colored mare, as she continued to silently weep about the dead bunny next to Coleyon.

"I am Rarity." Rarity said, making Tree jump around for a moment before he pretended to pull something out of his pocket.

"Holy fuck, my bitch detector is off the charts!" The ponies decided to ignore Tree and wrap up the introductions.

"And you all can call me Rainbow Dash!" She yelled as she skillfully flew around in the air. "Now then, am I gonna have to knock you guys around or are you gonna stop starting fires!?"

"Hey guys!" Cole shouted as he pulled out his lighter. "Let's start a fire!" He was then met with multiple cheers of agreement.

"Ohhh, you're gonna get smart with me, huh!?" Rainbow Dash taunted as she got ready to tackle him.

"Rainbow Dash! Calm down!" Twilight commanded.

"Yeah, Rainbow Ass!" Tree shouted.

Twilight then turned towards the four criminals and used her magic to levitate them all. "Listen, I am trying to be nice! You all are clearly dangerous, and I can't have dangerous beings near my home town causing trouble!"

"If you want us to obey you, then no deal!" Cole yelled back at the princess. "We only obey orders when we're in the sheets!"

All of the ponies slightly blushed except for Twilight. "Oh really?" She smirked as she proceeded to use her magic to make blankets appear from out of nowhere. After she wrapped all of the criminals up in them, she giggled. "Stop being dangerous."

"I guess we have no choice, guys." Koonce said before he cuddled up into Ms. Sparkle's magic to take a nap. The other three agreed and followed their friend's example.

The five ponies that were not a princess looked at the floating humans before turning their gaze to the only princess in the group. "Jeez, these guys have a few loose screws, if you know what I mean." Rainbow Dash said.

"Oh come on, Dashie! They're just random, like meee!" Pinkie sang out as she bounced around with glee.

"No way that's randomness, Pinkie. I'll bet these critters are crazier than a rattle snake that guzzles it's own venom!" AppleJack stated with her thick accent.

"I don't know about that, AppleJack." Twilight said with a gentle smile. "They're annoying; that's for sure. But I think they can be pretty funny when they want to." She turned back and looked at the humans.

"Hey, Twilight." Rainbow Dash walked up next to her purple friend. "What exactly are they, anyways?"

The princess of friendship looked to her cyan friend and shrugged. "No clue. We need to take them back to my castle so we can find out." And with that statement, the six ponies began their journey back towards the town. All of them getting the feeling that it was going to be a very aggravating time when the sleeping humans-

"Nap time's over guys, let's sing the Tunnel Snakes Song!" Cole shouted, causing the mares below him to groan as the humans all began to sing.