Yak to the Future

by hazeyhooves

Rating: everyone
Tags: Yaks, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 4195

The cultural ministry of Yakyakistan has decreed that season 5 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic needs more yaks and more smashing. They hope that you enjoy this new and improved version of historical events.

The cultural ministry of Yakyakistan has decreed that season 5 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic needs more yaks and more smashing. They hope that you enjoy this new and improved version of historical events.

Thanks and/or blame to Majin Syeekoh for convincing me I should actually write this.
Thanks to Dubs Rewatcher for pre-reading and advice.

Published 2015-07-17 20:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-17 20:10:02 UTC

Episode 92 & 93: The Cutie SMASH

“This is where the map sent us?” Rainbow Dash said as she peered at the mysterious town from behind the boulder. “Looks like the most boring place in Equestria!”

“That's just an ordinary village full of ordinary pony folk.” Applejack shrugged. “Wait a minute, those ain't ponies at all. They're yaks.”

“I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.” Pinkie Pie glared at the villagers as they shambled about the town square. “I know smiles - and those smiles? They're just not right.”

“Forget the smiles, look at their cutie marks,” said Twilight. “I didn't even know yaks could have cutie marks.” Each yak had an identical cutie mark of a bold equal sign.

“Okay, that's weird,” said Rainbow Dash.

The ponies cautiously headed into the meager town, greeted by each yak they passed by with an identical “welcome!” It wasn't long before they came across a yak with a lavender coat and a mane of violet and turquoise streaks.

“Welcome to village! Me Staryak Glimmer, founder!” She peered at Twilight Sparkle's wings and horn. “You princess?!”

“Er, yes. I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, but just call me Twilight if— ”

“Princess not equal!” Staryak snorted. “If things not equal, yaks get mad! Yaks always get mad when things not equal!”

Twilight grimaced and took a cautious step backwards.

“You have unique cutie marks! Cutie marks not equal! Cutie marks make yaks mad! Yaks SMASH!”

Then the yaks stomped up and down, trampling the ponies' cutie marks under their hooves, turning them into wispy vapors that they trapped in glass jars.

“Our cutie marks!” Twilight gasped in disbelief. “Give them back!”

“I am downright stumped as to how that just happened.” Applejack shook her head in bewilderment.

“Wait!” Staryak stopped smashing, and the others followed suit. “Yaks getting ahead of ourselves! Yaks give tour of village!”

The yaks paraded down the street in lines as a crisp drumming march rattled through the air. Flutes, tubas, and trumpets joined in as the yaks sang a verse from their anthem.

In yak town, in yak town
yaks work as a team
yaks can't have a nightmare
if yaks always SMASH

Then the yaks destroyed the town. The houses collapsed into piles of debris and splintered planks as the yaks threw their body weight onto and into any standing structure in sight.

Rarity groaned in pain and brushed the dust off her mane. “I don't think this town is very lovely.”

Rainbow Dash rubbed her bruised head with a hoof. “Now I'm more confused than ever on why the map sent us here.”

Staryak walked up to Twilight and stared her in the eyes. “Village is equal! Yaks happier here! Everything equal make yaks happy! Ponies join village?! Choice entirely up to ponies!”

Twilight Sparkle grimaced. “Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think this is where we belong.”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “Yeah. Did you seriously think we like this?”

Rarity nodded. “This is simply not an comfortable environment for friendship.”

Applejack wiped the sweat from her brow. “Especially with all the smashing going on.”

Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes. “The smashing I can understand, but those smiles? Not my kind of party.”

Staryak hung her head and sighed in disappointment. “Yaks accept decision! If ponies not happy, ponies free to go! Yaks return cutie marks!” She walked away toward the remains of her house, where the six glass bottles somehow remained intact under the pile of rubble.

“Whew.” Twilight could feel the tension leaving her chest already. “I'm glad we settled that without some misunderstanding.”

“Well actually, I don't think it's fair of us to judge how you yaks want to smash, um, everything.” Fluttershy meekly spoke up. “We shouldn't be so rude. I'm willing to give it a try.”

Staryak stopped in mid-step.

The ponies flinched, and . For that moment, everything stood still.

Staryak slowly craned her head around to look at Fluttershy, her face frozen in horrified shock.

Fluttershy gulped.

“Ponies' decision not equal! Yaks SMASH!!”

In Twilight's castle library, Big Mac and Spike had the biggest grins on their faces as they flipped through the photo-studded pages of their book, The Complete History of Hoofball Championships.

“Wow, you were right, Big Mac!” Spike beamed as he read the captions in the margins. “The Bulldogs scored a backdoor touchdown in the very last minute to break the tie and win the grand finals, 37 to 31. What an underdog story! That must have been one of the greatest hoofball moments ever.”

Big Mac nodded. “Eyup.”

Staryak Glimmer crashed through the crystal wall and flipped over the couch.

“Hoofball score not equal! Yaks SMASH!!”

Episode 94: Castle SMASH Castle

“Come on Rarity,” said Applejack. “Everypony has taken something out except you.”

“Oh I know. I simply can't decide.”

Rainbow hovered next to a group portrait of the group of friends. “How about this?”

Rarity panicked. “No! Not that! Anything but that!”

Rainbow pointed at the pedestal of violets suspended upon the wall. “How about these?”

“Oh but those brighten up the whole room. They're my favorite accent.”

“Then let's lose the curtains.” Rainbow flew over and gave them a tug. “The room wouldn't need brightening if they weren't making it so dark.”

“Not them!” Rarity protested. “They're my favorite too!”

Rainbow lost her patience. “They can't all be your favorite. Okay, I'm taking down the portrait. We already know what we look like.” She signalled to the demolition crew to begin their job. The trio of yaks leapt into the air to bat the large framed picture off its perch.

“Interior decoration not perfect! Yaks SMASH!” Then they stomped up and down on the painting until it was ground into fine dust. “Chiaroscuro and perspective also need improvement! Yaks SMASH!”

Rarity couldn't keep her eyebrows from quivering. “Well. The room still looks a little cluttered, doesn't it? Perhaps I'll take down a poster or two. Only to be helpful of course.”

At her signal, the yaks ripped down Rainbow Dash's glossy Wonderbolts posters and shredded them into thin strips. “Fleetfoot and Soarin not best Wonderbolt! They not Spitfire! Yaks SMASH!”

Applejack stepped between Rarity and Rainbow Dash. “Okay, everypony calm down. I'm sure we can find a way to remove the clutter together.”

Rarity leaned in close. “You're absolutely right, dear.” She used her magic to signal the yak crew to their next target.

“Hey, those are my warming quilts!” Applejack said as the yaks swept the thick bundles of fabric with their blowtorches. Then they stomped on the ashes.

“Quilts too thick for summer! Yaks SMASH!”

Rarity and Rainbow grinned and shared a triumphant hoofbump. “Together!”

Pinkie frowned at the popping noises coming from above. “Fluttershy, tell your birds to stop pecking at my balloons.”

The yaks nodded in agreement. “Yeah! SMASH balloons is our job!”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “I guess they must not like being scared out of their wits by exploding confetti cannons, or something.”

“But we can't get rid of the cannons!” Pinkie smiled sheepishly. “I don't remember where I hid 'em.”

As if on cue, an shower of glitter and paper erupted with a screech from behind one of the hay barrels.

The yaks contemplated the confetti as it drifted down upon their heads.

The yaks looked to each other. They nodded in unison. Then they turned to Pinkie Pie.

“Cannons hidden well.... but not hidden perfect! Yaks FIND! Then yaks SMASH!”

They eventually found all the cannons after pulverizing every standing wall, ceiling, and floor in the castle.

Twilight Sparkle walked by the remains of the Golden Oak Library. It was little more than a large stump in the ground, shattered and charred. All that she could still recognize of her old home was the arch making up the front entrance and half of the kitchen.

“I really miss this place. I had so many wonderful memories here. A lot of happy times, but also a few bittersweet moments too.”

The yaks burst out of the tree roots and razed what was left of the library with their jackhammers. “Precious memories not perfect! Yaks SMASH!”

“Hey!”

Spike painfully crawled out of Ponyville Spa. He could barely move his sore muscles after experiencing Bulk Biceps's extra-strength hot-stone deep-tissue massage. “Ow, ow, ow.”

The yaks crashed through the building's walls from within, picked up Spike between their pecs and dragged him back into the spa.

“Massage technique not perfect! Yaks show how it's done!”

Episode 95: SMASH & Balderdash

Apple Bloom shot her head up like a catapult. The familiar crow of the rooster calmed her down, and she took stock of her surroundings. She was in her bed, tucked under the blankets. Just like every morning.

She couldn't help but think of all her strange and frightening dreams. They jumbled around in her head and blurred together, but she made a mental note of them while they were still fresh in her memory. It seemed like the same crazy nightmare repeated itself, each time with some new twist.

As Apple Bloom reached the bottom of the stairs, she could smell fresh pancakes in the kitchen. She stepped into the room to see Applejack adjusting the skillet on the stove. The older sister smiled warmly and sang her lullaby.

There ain't no call to worry
So don't you cry or fret

Apple Bloom was struck by déjà vu. This kitchen. The family breakfast. The identical stack of pancakes.

“Wait a minute. This is just how all the other dreams started too! You can't fool me!”

Applejack paused her singing and raised an eyebrow at her little sister. “Uh, good mornin'?”

“This is another bad dream! And since I know it's a dream, that means I can do whatever I want!”

“Huh. You feelin' alright, sugarcube?”

“I've had it with these nightmares! I'm sick of learning some important lesson about cutie marks! And I'm really tired of this confusing dream recursion! ....er, I mean, inception!” Apple Bloom grit her teeth as every muscle running down her legs tensed up.

“What the hay's an inception?”

Apple Bloom exploded. “I'm gonna SMASH IT!”

She jumped onto the table and started with the pancakes. A few stomps with her hooves turned them into a layer of crumbs littering the floor.

“Hey now, Apple Bloom. If you wanted something different for breakfast, all you had to do was tell me.”

“And this house! It looks close enough, but I can tell it's another fake!” The filly flung herself through the walls and ceiling, tearing the structure down around her.

Applejack jumped out of the path of the falling roof in the nick of time. “What in tarnation?”

Applebloom furiously galloped down the dirt road heading to Ponyville until she came across a familiar building. “Why's the schoolhouse in my dream? Every time I dream about going to school, it turns into something nerve-rackin'! I'm gonna SMASH IT!” She catapulted her body sideways and punched a filly-shaped hole clean through the roof. Desks and chairs went flying from the inside, until all that remained of the school was the rickety skeleton of wooden beams.

Applejack's jaw dropped. “Big Mac, do you have any idea what's going on?”

“Nope.”

Apple Bloom slid into the center of town. Before her was the grandest structure in Ponyville, the tree-shaped crystal growth that formed Princess Twilight Sparkle's Castle of Friendship. “If this is a dream, I can just return everything to the way it used to be. Back to the good ol' days, before we had a weird, ugly castle looking over us all. I'm gonna SMASH IT!” Her hoof scuffed at the ground, scattering fresh earth. She aimed at the base of the castle and prepared her charge.

Applejack tried to stop her. “Apple Bloom! Wait! This ain't no dream!”

The apple-shaped mushroom cloud could be seen clear from the towers of Canterlot.

Episode 98: Make New Friends but SMASH the Old

“Grand Galloping Gala not perfect! Yaks SMASH!”

Princess Celestia turned her head away so she could roll her eyes. Who had invited these guests anyway? She was completely in favor of adding some excitement to the stale, exhausting Gala, but these yaks took everything they did too far. On second thought, what she craved was unpredictability, and the Yakyakistan style of emotional expression was more predictable than Celestia's daily sun guiding routine.

“Yaks SMASH!” they repeated. Suspended within the globules of Smooze that covered most of the ballroom, the yaks were barely able to quiver a few leg muscles. No matter how much they struggled against the incredibly viscous substance – and these yaks were quite used to struggling against their environment – it was like they were hardly moving at all. However, the futility didn't dampen their their destructive enthusiasm one iota.

Well, thought Princess Celestia, at least this took care of itself. I think I'll leave them in there until they calm down.

One thousand years later, the super-slow-motion smashing finally cracked through the load-bearing foundations of Canterlot Castle, sending it crashing down the mountain in a terrible rockslide.

Episode 99: The SMASHED Treasure of Griffonstone

Grampa Gruff leaned in close to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and said, “I'll tell you the whole tragic tale... for a couple of bits.”

Rainbow sighed and dropped a few coins in the eagerly open talons.

Gruff grinned ecstatically at his earnings and quickly stashed them under his hat. “The first griffon king, King Grover, united our kind like we've never been united before or since! And he did it all with that incredible idol of Boreas. But King Grover was smashed by a horde of rampaging yaks.

“From one king smashed by yaks to the next, Griffonstone still had our golden idol. It held us together – it gave us an identity – right up until the reign of King Guto. He also got smashed by noisy yaks.

“That's when Arimaspi came, to steal our griffon treasure! The yaks smashed him to pieces as well. But not before he got away with the idol!

“They say when our treasure fell into the Abysmal Abyss, our pride went with it. Until the yaks found and recovered the idol! Then they destroyed it, and threw it back into the Abysmal Abyss. And the yaks also smashed the Abyss until the walls caved in, filling the pit forever.

“The yaks became the new kings of Griffonstone, until they smashed themselves out of boredom. And we all lived miserably ever after. The end!”

Pinkie sobbed. “That was the saddest story ever!”

Episode 102: Party Pooped

(Yaks not change this episode. Episode perfect. Lots of yaks and smashing.)

Episode 104: Blade SMASHER

The Tantabus took a mighty step into the rift between the dream world and reality.

“We all trust you, Luna!” said Twilight Sparkle. “Do you trust us enough to believe we're right?”

Princess Luna paused. She did trust them. She knew she could finally forgive herself. “I do!”

The Tantabus stopped. Its will had grown powerful from feeding upon the Princess's nightmare, but suddenly there was no more fear to sustain it. It shrunk back to pony size and was compelled to reunite with Luna. It could no longer, for she had fully accepted it back within her heart.

Luna smiled “Thank you. Thank you all. But what's that noise?”

A steady rumbling could be felt throughout the dream world, and it was growing louder by the second. The source could not be seen, until a familiar voice shouted out from within the group. “Shared dream world not perfect! Yaks SMASH!”

A sphere of light surrounded Rainbow Dash, and three yaks leapt out of her head with a discharge of magic. Their amorphous shapes glowed with the lights of the night sky, just like the Tantabus.

Fluttershy glared at the yaks. “Ohh no, not you again! Why can't you ever stop ruining things?” She flung herself into battle.

Twilight watched in confusion. “Are these more nightmare creatures? Can you stop these too, Luna?”

“Yaks SMASH!”

“Be QUIET!”

Luna's jaw hung open. “I... I don't know! Where did these come from?”

Rainbow Dash rubbed her mane and chuckled nervously. “They're actually my old buddies, and they've kinda been living in my dreams all this time.”

“Yaks SMASH!”

“Be QUIET!”

“This means I have no control over them,” said Luna. “Rainbow is the one who must reign them in and absorb their emotions, much like I did with the Tantabus.”

“Aw, I'm sure they don't mean any real harm,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Look,” shouted Twilight, “they found the rift! They're trying to reopen it so they can go through!”

“Listen carefully, Rainbow Dash,” said Luna. “I must teach you how to control this dream, so you can--”

“We're too late!” Twilight said as she watched them disappear into the glowing portal.

Rainbow winced and smiled sheepishly. “Apparently they're pretty good at breaking through things. Who knew?”

The yaks stumbled their way through the blinding light.

“Where this?”

“This.... real world?”

“Me feel funny.”

Their eyes slowly adjusted, and soon they could make out the shapes and colors of the world around them.

“This... glowy machine room?”

“What this say? 'Season 5'? 'Episodes 14 to 26'? What that mean?”

“Me get feeling this important holy land. Yaks must not touch.”

They reverently tip-toed through the aisles toward the exit door. They were interrupted by the dream rift tearing open once more, launching a furious yellow pegasus into the group at high speed. The impact bowled them over into several shelves of fragile electrical boxes.

“You thought I wouldn't find you?! Nopony escapes from Fluttershy!” She swung her hooves like a whirlwind around her as the yaks fought back, turning the enclosed room into a maelstrom of violence and destruction, annihilating everything within its walls.

“Yaks SMASH!”

“Be QUIET!”

END

Episode 100: SMASHED Chunks of Life

“Wedding perfect. So romantic.”

“So true.”

“This day just perfect. Kind of day yaks dream since small.”

“Big trouble getting all ponies to wedding on time. But yaks look back and laugh.”

“Me love Derpy and Doctor. So cute together.”

“...”

“......”

“What?”

“'Derpy'? That not her proper name.”

“Doctor pony accent annoying. How you can like?”

“Me disagree. Best part.”

“Best part? You mean say DJ and Cello pony. Perfect music.”

“...”

“......”

“Agree?”

“Me hate. How come DJ not talk?”

“Why DJ play with cello pony? Always solo before. Sell out.”

“DJ do what DJ want. Yaks must accept.”

“Special agent and best friend better ponies. Tell best jokes!”

“Yuck.”

“Yuck.”

“Why?”

“Why ponies not couple? Only best friends? That not me head-imagination.”

“Me SMASH you head-imagination.”

“Me SMASH you face.”

“Me SMASH you momma face.”

Nopony paid attention to the yaks as they wrestled and slammed into each other all night. Except for Gummy, who sees all.

Episode 101: Super SMASH Princess

All of Canterlot had been reduced to rubble by the yak delegation.

Everypony frowned at Spike.

“Oh come on! I didn't even do anything yet! Me and Twilight just got here!”

Everypony forgave him for his mistakes.

Episode 103: SMASHING Fences

Twilight Sparkle felt terrible for the way she had treated her old friends in Canterlot.

"For a supposed 'Princess of Friendship,' I haven't been a very good friend. I should do something to make it up to them."

She took the next train to Canterlot and smashed Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, and Moondancer.

Then she returned to Ponyville and smashed Lyra Heartstrings.

Twilight Sparkle felt a little better.

Staryak Glimmer stealthily eavesdropped on Princess Twilight while hiding behind a restaurant menu. Then she quietly smashed her table and subtly demolished the restaurant. By the time anypony noticed what had happened around them, she had disappeared into the shadows.

Episode 96: Tanks For The SMASHERIES

“Applejack cries on the inside!”

“It's true,” she admitted.

“Yaks cry on outside!” said the yaks who were sobbing and blubbering all over the carpet.

“Rainbow Dash? Are you okay?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

Rainbow sniffled and sat up from her bed. “I think so. I feel better. Really, I do.” She got to her hooves and looked up at her friends. “Thanks everypony. I don't know what I'd do without you. Or the yaks. Or.... him.” She turned to Tank and started tearing up again. “I'm sure gonna miss you.” The pegasus and tortoise pressed their faces against each other, sharing one last quiet moment together.

Rainbow Dash snapped her book shut. She had finished reading a bedtime story for Tank, who was hibernating under the freshly produced snow. Rainbow could still feel the emptiness in her heart, but it was healing around the edges by a glowing sense of peace.

The yaks solemnly arrived, forming a circle around her.

Rainbow shakily stood up. “Hey guys. Thanks for all the help.”

“Yaks had great smashing. Perfect smashing. Weather factory destruction finest work of lifetime.”

Sniff. “Glad you guys had fun. I couldn't have done it without ya.”

“Now you know why we smash.”

Sniff sniff. “Yeah. I think I do.”

“And you know why we not stay.”

Deep exhale. “Yeah. I learned a lot today.”

“Rainbow pony not alone. Always, yaks smash in memory. In dreams.”

Watering eyes. “I'm ready.”

It was hard to focus on the yaks. Looking directly at one only made him more hazy. It was hard to tell them apart from the mounds of snow, like there was no difference. Like there never had been a difference. Nothing but tricks of light, perceived patterns in the frozen vapor.

Rainbow closed her eyes, trying to keep their faces fresh in her mind. The memory was already starting to get a little blurry. Rainbow flinched and fought to prevent herself from crying out. Then, her whole body unclenched, becoming more loose and free than she had remembered feeling in years. She could see their images again, stronger and more vibrant than ever, as they swam through a sparkling sea of stars. They melded with the light, and although Rainbow couldn't make out their forms any longer, she felt absolutely certain their presence was still there.

A whisper. “Good-bye.”

Episode 97: Appleoosa's Most SMASHED

“Aren't you glad y'all came with me to see Applejack compete in the Appleloosa Rodeo?” said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo looked around excitedly. “Totally! This place is a cutie mark gold mine! There's barrel racing...”

The yaks shattered the barrels. “Yaks SMASH!”

“... roping contests...”

The yaks tore apart the ropes, then flattened the scarecrow dummy used as a target. “Yaks SMASH!

“... rodeo clowning...”

The yaks trampled the clowns underhoof. “Yaks SMASH!”

“... steeplechase!”

The yaks bent the metal fence poles in half. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy stamped a hoof down. “Okay, I've had just about enough of you yaks making a mess out of everything you see. You need to stop that right now.”

Sweetie Belle looked confused. “Fluttershy? How did you get here? I thought you were staying Ponyville.”

The yaks ignored the pegasus while they pulverized the sheriff's office. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy took a defiant step forward. “I mean it. No more smashing and no more yelling. Do you hear me?”

The yaks charged through the tower of hay bales, scattering them through the air. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy narrowly dodged a hay bale that went flying past her head. “That's the last straw! I want you be QUIET!” She grabbed hold of the lead yak's horns.

The lead yak whipped his head, swinging Fluttershy's body like a flail as he crashed through Braeburn's cabin. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy kept her grip on the horns while kicking a hind hoof into the yak's ribs. “Be QUIET!”

The yaks charged through the forest, disloding trees as they went. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy released her left hoof's grip on the horns to shield herself from the flying trunks. “Be QUIET!”

The lead yak flipped over to slam Fluttershy into the giant hoofprint imprinted on the dirt. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy rolled out from under the yak's weight and kicked him in the jaw. “Be QUIET!”

The yaks leaped high into the air to extinguish the thick storm clouds that had just activated. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy got trapped between two of the clouds, as the magic of her pegasus body refused to let her pass through. “Be-- oof.”

The yaks, now free of the interloper, moved on to raze the rodeo's barn. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy threw Troubleshoes's trailer house at the yaks. “Be QUIET!”

The yaks deflected the trailer into the sheriff's hat, flattening it against the ground. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy grabbed the yaks and flung them into the bars of the jail cells. “Be QUIET!”

The yaks jumped onto the pile of mattresses and destroyed them with their teeth. “Yaks SMASH!”

Fluttershy swung the base of the golden rodeo trophy at each of the yaks' skulls. “Be QUIET, Be QUIET, Be QUIET!”

Everypony in the audience laughed. Troubleshoes finally understood his cutie mark and his true destiny.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo cheered together. “Best rodeo, ever!”