De-Mary-Sue-ifying the Elements

Breaking News

The Elements of Harmony defeat Hades, cure cancer, and rescue foals from blocked sewer pipes

Locals astounded

I toss the paper aside with a roll of the eyes. "What a load of horse poop. There's no way they can be that powerful." Even in a world full of colorful, flying ponies, gigantic dragons, and living gods walking among us (I'm looking at you, Celestia), I refuse to believe in perfection. Flaws are what make things tangible, realistic, and, above all, exploitable. The concept of perfection in itself contradicts every law of nature, physics, psychology, history, mathematics, et cetera.

And I could never resist a challenge.

I put my hoof down. "I will find their weakness," I proclaim to my otherwise empty house. "Or go insane trying!...Most likely the latter! I cannot let such a breach of the laws of reality stand! I will--"

"Will ya shut up?" comes a voice from across the street. "It's bucking four AM!"

After countless (and by 'countless' I mean 'two', but it felt like countless) hours in the train, I arrive at Canterlot, flip chart under one hoof and thirty-page research proposal under the other. "I'll show them," I mutter to myself. "Science will act! There's no way something can be perfect..."

"Who are you?" asks the guard. I show them my ID.

"I'm here to deliver a long-winded speech to the one pony in Equestria who hasn't got over five hours of free time every day," I say. "Let me in."

The guard glances at my supplies. "Whatever."

"Good." I trot inside. "Princess Celestia! I believe I'm about to have a breakthrough!"

"Do you." Celestia sits there, looking like she's heard it a million times. Which she has. I mean, that lady's old.

I prop up my flip chart. "I believe that the Elements of Harmony are severely overpowered. I'd like to request their use for a study on their potential weak spot. If you want, I can name a few reasons why this would benefit Equestria and the lands surrounding--"

"If I fork them over, you'll buy me a cake, right?"

"...sure."

"They're in the Tree of Harmony. Don't tell Twilight, but there's a door on the back where the Elements are kept. I just like seeing her turn into that rainbowey Super Saiyan whenever she's in a fight."

"Good to know."

After retrieving the Elements, I proceed to poke at them furiously for half an hour. "Come on," I say. "There's got to be some sort of weakness!" Perhaps if I were to take them home and use the poorly constructed science lab that used to be my kitchen, I could find scientific proof of a weak spot.

"Experiment Number One," I say. "Elements Vs. Extreme Heat." I push more coal into the fire. "According to science, gold melts. These are made out of gold, right?" I throw two bottles of lighter fluid into the fire and place the Elements on a grill above it. After half an hour of continuous burning, I notice no differences. In fact, when I go to pick them up, they're cool to the touch.

"Well, that didn't work," I say. "Plan B."

I dig up an ancient encyclopedia, over two thousand pages thick. "Experiment Number Two," I say. "Pressure." I climb up onto the table, hold the book above my head, and proceed to drop it onto the Elements.

Nothing happens.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"

Three hours later, the house is almost completely gone, and the Elements remain completely intact. "What is with these pieces of jewelry?" I spit. "Sulfuric acid did nothing. Dragon fire did nothing. Reading Rainbow Dash's fanfictions aloud to them did nothing, and almost killed me in the process. And I. Am. Still. Not. Giving. Up!"

I take the Elements and toss them out the window. "Die, you impossibly perfect hunks of metal!" I shout, throwing various food items at them. "Die, die, and die again! Experiment number five hundred: melons. No result. Experiment number five hundred and one: coffee. No result! Experiment number five hundred and two: cheese. No! Bucking! Result!"

As soon as the cheese comes into contact with the Elements, they begin steaming, turning grey, and eventually collapse in a pile of dust.

"...Experiment number five hundred and two, revision. Cheese. Result: total disintegration."

A smile forms on my face. "I HAVE SCIENCED SUCCESSFULLY!"

I pack up my notes, the remains of the Elements, and the remains of the cheese, and race outside to the nearest train station. Along the way, I jot down a few additional notes.

"Twilight Sparkle, allergic to cheese because of the Elements? Effects of throwing cheese at Discord? Hidden magical properties of cheese? I'm still both amazed and feel so stupid that that worked..."

I step off of the train, run past the guards, and burst into Canterlot Castle. "Princess Celestia, I have found a weakness in the Elements!"

The princess blinks and says nothing.

I dump the cheesy lump of ash onto the ground. "After extensive research and countless hours of hard work, I have discovered that cheese causes the Elements of Harmony to shrivel up and burst into dust." I sweep the mess behind me and prepare to accept my scientific award. "I'm sure that, after this point, more caution should be taken when handling cheese near the Elements, or any other magical artifact of their caliber. If you don't mind, I'd like the law forbidding cheese from being near the Elements to be named after me--"

"Are those the Elements?" asks the princess, pointing to the moldy lump on the ground.

I nod.

"...guards, get 'im."