The Nightmare Journals

by The Engineer Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Tragedy, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2221

Luna recounts the guilt and fear that led her to create the Tantabus.

Luna recounts the guilt and fear that led her to create the Tantabus.

Published 2015-07-17 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-17 03:00:01 UTC

The Nightmare Journals

Dear Journal,

We wish to commemorate a wondrous occasion.

After spending a millennium in exile on the moon, we returned full of bitterness and malice, seeking to overthrow our dear sister Celestia and establish ourselves as the sole ruler of Equestria. We are sorry to say that our actions upon our return led only to evil and darkness.

But then the most joyous thing occurred. Six ponies managed to retrieve the Elements of Harmony from our old castle. They worked together to surmount all of the obstacles I put in their path to thwart them, and they remained courageous even when we thought we had destroyed the Elements for good. Together they reignited the spark in the Elements and unleashed their full power for the first time in a thousand years.

And we were the target of that power. The Elements of Harmony overpowered us and destroyed us, but more than that, they remade us. They purged the nightmare from within our soul, and we found ourselves once again the Luna of ages long gone. No more were we a creature of terror and fear, but we became once again what we were always meant to be: a princess.

Oh, we cannot begin to express our joy at this transformation! The cleansing of our heart and mind! The disintegration of every evil thought, every corrupt desire, in the light of the Elements’ beam! What is more, our beloved sister forgave us, restored us, and brought us back with her to celebrate our return. Ponies greeted us not with fear, but with gladness. We truly could not be happier.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

It seems that perhaps our celebration was premature. Last night, we returned to the horror of our vile actions. We dreamed a terrible nightmare, one of pain and misery and sadness. Once again, we were Nightmare Moon; once again, we brought about eternal darkness. As before, Celestia’s student and her friends sought out the Elements of Harmony in hopes of stopping us. But this time, their magic did not cure us. The wave of power swept over us, but it did not change us back into Princess Luna.

We remember standing there and laughing. Despair overtook the six ponies as the Elements failed and their last hope disappeared. We felt new purpose, new strength assuring us that our path was right. Nothing could stop our endless night. As we watched in triumphant glee, the six Elements fell to the ground and shattered, and the six ponies who bore them dissolved into nothingness.

This dream has troubled us greatly. We could not sleep for the rest of the night. As we lay in silent fear, we first began to realize the trauma we have caused. How could plants have grown in an eternal night? How long would it have taken for our subjects to starve? Would they have relished the beautiful night, as we desired, or would they have slowly wasted away, cursing their princess as hunger slowly took its toll?

Our actions were viler than we imagined. We glimpsed the depth of our evil, and we despaired. We wept for hours over the misery we could have caused if six ponies had not so rashly intervened. How far away seemed the joys of the previous day! How distant the memory of our sister’s loving embrace! All we see now is the horrid cruelty of our own actions.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

The nightmare repeated last night. Once more, we saw the Elements of Harmony fail to affect us. We witnessed the heartbreak of a purple mare as the power of her newfound friendships crumbled to dust. Tears filled her eyes as she, too, faded away into nonexistence.

We are troubled. Perhaps our nightmare is here to stay. We fear that we will never be free of the torment of our time as Nightmare Moon. How could we ever think we could change so easily, that the nightmare could disappear in an instant? The Elements may have helped us, certainly, but they could not completely expunge Nightmare Moon from our soul.

We must be cautious going forward, for we cannot risk the return of Nightmare Moon. We should not immediately reintegrate into the Canterlot life. Besides the practical issues of having a thousand years of culture and customs to learn, we cannot risk harm to any other ponies. We shall keep to ourselves as much as we can, and watch for warning signs of darkness’ return. With careful vigilance and determination, perhaps we can overcome Nightmare Moon. We just hope we are strong enough to resist ourselves.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

After many months, we believe that we are at last ready to return to pony society. We have been avoiding other ponies for their own safety, even declining Celestia’s invitation to join her once more at the Grand Galloping Gala. Instead, we have kept ourselves isolated, watching for signs of the reappearance of Nightmare Moon. But so far, we have been able to remain Princess Luna.

We have heard of an upcoming festival our little ponies celebrate every year, known as “Nightmare Night.” Apparently, at this gathering, they remember Nightmare Moon and all her evil. For reasons we cannot fathom, they fear that Nightmare Moon will come and eat them unless they hide in costumes and provide alternative food in the form of candy.

We shall not let this image of ourselves perpetuate any longer. The Elements of Harmony really seem to have changed us, and we do not wish for ponies to remember us as Nightmare Moon any longer. Therefore, we shall attend the Nightmare Night festival in Ponyville to correct their misunderstandings and rededicate the night as one of celebration. Surely these ponies who witnessed and rejoiced at our return shall be as eager as we are to change this dreadful night into a time of joy.

We look forward to showing the citizens of Ponyville how we have changed. Our only unease comes from the fact that despite all our progress over the last few months, our nightmares still continue.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

~~We~~ I wish to relate a delightful tale of what has happened this night. My initial efforts to greet the citizens of Ponyville did not meet with the success I expected: my very presence seemed to terrify them. Even Twilight Sparkle, Celestia’s star pupil and the mare to whom I owe so much, could not make the town accept me. It seemed that to these ponies, I was doomed to remain Nightmare Moon.

But Twilight eventually figured out how I could relate to them. It seems the little ones actually enjoyed my scaring them, and they continued to view me as Nightmare Moon because it was—what was the word? Ah, yes: fun. They thought that Nightmare Night was fun. And when I joined with them to embrace the entertaining side of being frightened, I at last was able to connect with my subjects and spend a delightful evening with them.

I had a wonderful night, I truly did. I was happier than I had been in many ages. However, something still bothers me about this night. I cannot quite put my hoof on it, but something still feels wrong about Nightmare Night.

--Nightmare Luna

Dear Journal,

Upon reflection, I believe I have determined the source of my unease. Despite the great fun I had last night, I still was not comfortable playing the part of Nightmare Moon. I know the ponies meant well, and they did not seem to hold any grudge against me, but still I felt uneasy pretending to be the monster I hate. Yes, the ponies enjoyed my scaring them. But it just felt wrong to be Nightmare Moon again.

And I saw another thing that bothered me: one pony, a certain Rainbow Dash disguised herself as a Shadowbolt. She wore an outfit I had originally created for an illusion back when I was Nightmare Moon. It seems that the smallest thing I did then is fixed in the memories of ponies and can overshadow all that has happened since.

Is that all I am? No matter what I do, am I still Nightmare Moon? Will I forever be remembered as the evil mare who sought to plunge Equestria into unending darkness? Or is there any way that I can break away from my past and become Princess Luna?

I fear also I took too much pleasure in frightening the other ponies. Was that the remnant of Nightmare Moon resurfacing in me? Was I taking pleasure in the suffering of other ponies, glad in the knowledge that I had such power over them? Perhaps I saw a glimpse of my own darkness.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

I feel like a hypocrite. Last night, I spoke to a young filly in her dreams, and I encouraged her to face her true fears. This Scootaloo had thought she merely dreaded the Headless Horse, but I helped her see beneath the surface of her worries and understand her fear of not being accepted by Rainbow Dash. I told her if she did not face her fears, her nightmares would continue.

I know what I said helped Scootaloo: she has faced her fears and overcome them. But in my heart, I don’t believe the words I spoke to her. I don’t feel they could ever be true for me in my own struggle.

I want my nightmares to continue. My recurring dream of being Nightmare Moon has been getting less frequent over the last few weeks, and that scares me. I want to experience the trauma of Nightmare Moon every night, so that I never forget what I did. I must constantly remember what happened to make sure it never happens again.

And I don’t want to face my own deepest fear. I’m afraid that if I look deep enough into myself, I will find Nightmare Moon. I dread the awful truth about myself: I can never change. I can never be free. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I hide behind civility and royal bearing, I will always be Nightmare Moon.

I cannot face myself. I must continue to hide behind the façade of Princess Luna, never forgetting what could happen the moment I let the mask slip. I must do all I can to ensure that my evil will never again harm my subjects.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

My nightmares have all but ceased. It almost feels like I never was Nightmare Moon, like I never tried to destroy Equestria at all. But I know that lurking just below the surface is a part of me that can ruin everything. I don’t deserve to be free. I deserve to relive my failure every single night, so I never again think to cause such evil.

There is one thing I could do. As the princess of dreams, I could use my powers to alter my own dreams. I could create something that would force myself to experience the nightmare over and over again, even if my subconscious no longer wishes to do so.

This plan is not without risk. I do not know exactly what could happen if I gave life to the fear and guilt that have plagued me for so long. Conceivably, there is the possibility that what I create would grow beyond my control. It might escape my dreams and infect the dreams of other ponies.

But I believe it is worth the risk. Nothing I created could ever be as bad as Nightmare Moon. Surely I can risk the power of my own fears, if it means ensuring I will never return to the horrid ways of the past. I know I am strong enough. I know I can master myself.

I will create the Tantabus.

--Princess Luna

Dear Journal,

It is done. Last night I created the Tantabus from my own shame and fear. Last night I was able to once again experience the nightmare. I became Nightmare Moon and cast darkness over all the land. Nopony could stop me, and nopony dared to try. I was alone, powerful and terrible. In my dream, it was but myself and the nightmare inside me.

The Tantabus gave me power. It gave me assurance and purpose. I felt invincible. As long as I was in the dream, as long as I was Nightmare Moon, I enjoyed the dark power I possessed. I finally felt free.

And this only serves as further evidence of my wickedness. To be honest, I enjoyed becoming Nightmare Moon in my dream last night. And the mere fact that I enjoyed it at all shows how despicable I really am. I have not changed; I am still the same power-hungry mare I was all those centuries ago. If somepony looked deep within me, they would see that I am still Nightmare Moon.

That is why I must use the Tantabus. That is why I must endure the nightmare. I should never be free of my shame, for I will never be free of my past. The Tantabus will feed off of my fear every night for the rest of my long, long life. The nightmare will last forever.

--Luna