Sheogorath was getting quite bored in the Shivering Isles… Sure, he had fun turning random things into cheese while shouting at the top of his lungs. He had fun ranting about random subjects that nobody actually knew. He is the Daederic Prince of Knowledge and Madness after all, but Sheogorath needed something new in his life. He needed more excitement, he needed adventure, he needed cheese! Cut out that last addition. Too much cheese will ruin this perfectly good story, or will it? Sheogorath is getting tired of writing himself in third person. Let’s try writing myself in second person.
You were getting quite bored in the Shivering Isles… Sure, you had fun turning random things into cheese while shouting at the top of your lungs. You had fun ranting about random subjects that nobody actually knew. You are the Daederic Prince of Knowledge and Madness after all, but you neede- No no no! This will not do either! This is offensive to me, how can I write something about myself and get offended by it?! You are not me! Bah! This introduction needs more cheese! I’m getting tired of writing this!
Cheese was getting quite bored in the Shivering Isles… Sure, he had fun turning random things into mozzarella cheese stick servants while shouting at the top of his cheesy lungs. He had fun ranting about random subjects that nocheese actually knew. He is the Cheese Prince of Cheese and Cheese after all. TOO MUCH CHEESE! ON WITH THE STORY IN FIRST PERSON!
I needed a vacation, I needed some excitement in my life, I needed adventure, I needed pretzels for my cheese, but most importantly… I needed to get out of this boring old throne and give the mortals in a random world some fun! Maybe cheese as well. What if cheese hasn’t been discovered in that world though… Who could possibly live without cheese!? Oops, I got off on a little tangent there didn’t I? Maybe I should summon the duke of dementia to help me.
I tapped my extremely powerful, majestic, golden, beautiful wabbajack staff on the ground twice. A blue sphere of flames erupted out of thin air. When the flames had cleared, there stood the duke of dementia himself. The duke erupted in joyous, and practically insane, laughter. This continued for me knows how long.
“Ahahahahaha!” The duke of dementia wiped a tear from his eye before settling down. “What is it Sheogorath? Oh glorious bringer of madness and knowledge.”
I noticed he was wearing steel plated armor crafted by Nords, on his back was a Daederic warhammer. I snapped my fingers three times. His armor turned into cheese and his warhammer turned into a breadstick.
“I’m bored. I need you to find me a world where I can have fun with the mortals. Cheese themed fun of course. I should change my title to The Daederic Prince of Cheese!” Lovely name… My mother would be proud, if she wasn’t eaten by wolves of course.
“Ah!” The duke raised a finger. His face twisted into a psychotic gleam. Out of nowhere a wheel with eight names were on it. Glowing lightbulbs, which hadn’t been invented yet, lined the wheel. “It’s time fooooorrr… Wheel! Of! Dimensions!” An audience wasn’t present, but yet I heard the cheers and clapping of one.
“The eight worlds you could land on are, The Mushroom Kingdom, Azaroth, Liberty City, Aegis 7 which is my personal favorite, Equestria, Anycity USA, The brain of a jackrabbit, and Toliet Land! Whichever the name the spinner lands on will be the world or area you will be in!” And I thought I was mad…
The duke of dementia spun the wheel with his left hand. I was happy with whatever world I was placed in, I was extremely curious about Toliet Land in particular though. I actually visited a similar universe that was nothing but miles and miles of fire hydrants. That’s where I saw a young boy and his dog before the two teleported to a different universe. I took one of the fire hydrants home and kept it as a pet. His name is Sparky.
The wheel was slowing down. It soon came to a stop on Equestria. I was having a hard time figuring out what the land entailed. My brain, which was a bunch of random cogs and gyros with a mouse powering it, soon came to link the “eques” in Equestria with Equines. Equines were horses, and at that very moment, I face palmed.
“Congraaaatulations young- errr… Old man!” Hey! The invisible audience cheered and clapped. “You’re going to the magical land of Equestria! Full of sapient ponies and blissful, carefree days! Apart from the fact that a monster attacks every so often, and they even have your old friend Q there!” I scratched the side of my head and turned the wheel into a cheese wheel. “He changed form into a weird creature now and changed his name to Discord, but he is still the god of chaos!” The prince clapped his hands together and a blue portal opened up on the gigantic cheese wheel.
Madness was literally my name! So that is how I am going to leave this world, by using madness! I grabbed my staff and rushed into the portal. “Cheeeeeeeese!” The portal closed behind me, leaving me to my own devices in this world for now. I wasn’t falling, I was simply just standing in the sky. When I looked down I started falling. Interesting… Cartoon physics and logic… Not enough cheese!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a cyan pegasus caught me. “I’ve got yo- Wait a second… You aren’t a pon-“
“CHEESE!” I yelled to shock the mare. I touched her with my staff, and she turned into a cheese wheel. A multicolored cheese wheel if you wanted to be specific.
%*%*%*%
Discord was reading a book in his mind, just sitting in his cotton candy throne, drinking a glass of chocolate milk. He lifted his head up and took off his reading glasses and muttered to himself. “Cheese.”
%*%*%*%
The mare turned cheese wheel, with me riding on her, was rolling into town. We landed a few minutes ago on a hill and luckily gained enough momentum to roll into this town. A sign outside of it was dubbed Ponyville. WAS dubbed Ponyville, I used my staff to rename it Cheesetown. All of the ponies gave me odd looks, but they seemed accustomed to having weird creatures roll into town. Get it? I’m riding on a cheese wheel. No? You youngsters have awful senses of humor! I visited that one human fellow in his dreams once. George Carlin! He had an amazing sense of humor!
I got off the rainbow colored cheese wheel and teleported it to a random universe. Maybe someone will eat it… Who knows?
%*%*%*%
In 2001, on planet earth…
Steve Jobs was having a really bad day… It was full of press conferences about releasing the new operating system and computer for the public. He was so irritated with all of them, he wanted revenge. Suddenly, it hit him! It literally hit him. The multicolored cheese wheel came out of nowhere and smacked him in the face. Steve Jobs removed the cheese wheel from his face and looked over it. A twisted smile appeared on his face. He would have revenge on them all… He coded and made the spinning cheese wheel… It would serve its purpose for those impatient customers… Oh yes it would…
He threw the cheese wheel out of a window and continued on with his life until 2011. The rainbow colored cheese wheel went on to a different universe and transformed back into Rainbow Dash. Somehow… She was now a filly inside of a cardboard box.
%*%*%*%
And that is how the universe ended! Goodbye!
“What, you thought that this story was done and over with? Well sir or ma’am. This story is not over until I say so. I have kidnapped your lovely author here.” Sheogorath pointed to a man duct taped to Sugarcube Corner’s wall. “So now I am in control of the story! This calls for cheese made of wine with more cheese!” Sheogorath held out a champagne glass, which he got from absolutely nowhere, and watched as it filled up with cottage cheese as it rained from the skies.
Roseluck screamed as cottage cheese ran through her mane. “I’m lactose intolerant! The horror, the horror!” She promptly fainted with her mouth open, letting the cheese freely make its way into her stomach. Lyra happened to be nearby and rolled the poor lactose intolerant mare over. Just out of kindness.
“I will gut you once this is over Sheogorath.” The author glared at the madman as Sheogorath sipped from his champagne glass, letting cheese dribble from his beard. He finished the cottage cheese drink and turned towards the author.
“You will have returned to Earth by then.” Sheogorath poked the author between the eyes. The author screamed and turned into an Eidar Cheese Wheel. “Or not, and hey! My favorite kind of cheese has arrived! Thank you mister milk man!”
Sheogorath heard something from behind him. “No problem little Sheo! Don’t get too rowdy with that cheese y’here?” He turned around and came face to face with Discord, the god of chaos himself.
“Discord! I haven’t seen you since madness college!” He shook hands with Discord and hugged him. The two embraced for a few minutes in a non-gay manner before letting go.
“I know man, but I gotta go. My chaos senses are tingling!” Discord then donned a pseudo-spiderman costume and disappeared.
Sheogorath had a quick laugh before he started to trot down a random cobblestone path that happened to lead to a massive tree house thing. Sheogorath touched the door of the tree house, which fell into a large pile of mice. The mice skittered off to eat the cheese that had rained from the skies a few minutes prior. He watched the mice hard at work before he heard a throat clearing sound from behind him. “Um, sir. Who are you?”
Sheogorath turned around with a goofy smile. “The question is not, who are you? The question is however, what are you?” Before the lavender mare could respond, Sheogorath had poked her with his staff. The lavender mare turned into a large cheese cube with a toothpick sticking out on top. “Well, that’s one place to put the horn I suppose.” Sheogorath shrugged and stepped over the cheese cube to gain entry to the library.
He first spotted a small purple dragon staring at him with his mouth hanging open. The dragon soon bore an angry look and futilely punched the daederic prince with his stubby hands. Sheogorath tapped his staff against his chin while the dragon was hard at work. “Cheese!” Sheogorath shouted. Suddenly, all the books that had once lined the shelves turned into cheese wheels. The cheese wheels slew in every direction, knocking things off of stands and stands off of things.
The dragon was still trying to get back at Sheogorath, but he was now bashing a cheese wheel against his legs. Sheogorath grumbled to himself, why couldn’t the dragon learn not to mess with daederic prince of madness and order, as well as cheese. He was the god of cheese. Supreme commander of the cheddar army and swiss airforce. President of the pepper jack nation. Emperor of the mozzarella empire!
“In the name of me, the cheese god, I deem you worthy of being a new cheese! You are now the... Uh… “ Sheogorath looked around. His eyes came to rest at a bottle of hot sauce before he flicked back to the dragon. He poked the dragon with the staff, who turned into a red cheese wheel. “You are spicy cheese. Go home.”
Sheogorath exited the cheesy library and stumbled over a stampede of mice. Followed by a yellow and pink pegasus pony. “Come back! Please don’t go in there!” The pegasus ignored Sheogorath and continued on her merry way, but the god of cheese couldn’t allow her to pass by without being cheesified now could he? He poked the yellow pony with a staff blindly, all noise from her ceased when he did this. Sheogorath turned to the spot where the butter pony once was to find a bowl of cheese covered nachos sitting there.
Sheogorath walked around the now clean Cheeseville while eating a bowl of nachos that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere in the cheesebary. He had renamned the Golden Oaks Library to “Sheogorath’s Cheesebary” He found the name fitting for the cheesehouse, as the wood was no longer wood. Instead, it was now a large tree shaped structure made out of cheese. The mice ran rampant through the house eating it all up, so he decided not to stay there. The nachos simply tagged along for the ride.
He spotted the screaming pony from earlier being helped up by a mint green mare. When Roseluck spotted Sheogorath she screamed again, and then fainted. The mint mare went straight back to resuscitating the downed pony while Sheogorath walked by, laughing. He coughed out a cheese covered nacho when he tried to laugh with his mouth full, the nacho landed on the poor mint pony, who tried to rub it off. She squealed when several mice latched on to her. Lyra ran off, leaving Roseluck fainted in the middle of the road.
Sheogorath walked over to what had once been the author of the story, who was now an Eidar Cheese Wheel. Sheogorath turned the author back into a human man, who was still duct taped to the wall. “Now we can end the story! What do you think mister author?”
“Guys! I’m sorry if this chapter was terrible, I’m sure there was very bad gramma-“
“Too many words for an author’s note buddy! We’re done here!”
And then the universe was cheese.
