Though the Present is Never Perfect, She Brought the Perfect Present
Princess Celestia sighed. “Twilight, would it help if I made loosening up an assignment?”
Twilight bit her lip. “Uh… maybe?”
“Look, I didn’t bring you all the way to Heavy Petting Point for things to be all awkward. You said that you wanted to broaden your horizons.”
Twilight looked away, searching for some way out of this conversation. “Well… I mean, uh… I sort of meant maybe taking up racquetball or seeing a new play or something.”
Rolling her eyes, Celestia tugged on the picnic blanket they were laying on until Twilight was beside her. She felt Twilight shiver when she wrapped her wing around the unicorn. “Oh, don’t be boring. I can think of much more interesting things for us to do.”
Twilight tried to shift away, but Celestia’s powerful wing dragged her back. “But… but I have studying to do.”
“I’ve got a new assignment for you, Twilight.” Princess Celestia’s eyes twinkled, and the corner of her mouth curled up into a tiny grin. “One that I think you’ll really find invigorating.”
Twilight’s eyes darted left and right. For an open, grassy hill, it sure seemed to lack any exits. Beside her, Celestia’s body seemed to radiate incredible heat. The princess’s eyes were dilated, and her breathing had quickened. “Um… but I have to finish your essay by tonight…”
“Cancel it,” Celestia breathed into her ear. “This could be the beginning of something incredible. Can’t you feel it?”
What Twilight could feel was Celestia’s hoof running up her foreleg. “But—”
Celestia pushed a hoof against her lip. “Shh. I’ve brought you a present. Something special. Do you want to see it?”
Twilight swallowed hard and tried to look away, but Celestia’s intense stare wouldn’t allow it. She opened her mouth without any idea of what to say.
“Sure you do,” Celestia answered for her. Winking, she dipped a hoof into her saddlebag and pulled out a small, zippered bag. “Here we are! Behold!” She smiled mischievously at Twilight, then turned the bag upside down. The contents fell in a pile at Twilight’s hooves.
“Wha—” Twilight raised an eyebrow and picked up the first small container. “Mascara? ‘Evening Gloom’ deep purple lip liner? ‘Realm of Darkness’ eye shadow?” She blinked at the pile several times before turning her quizzical stare up at her teacher. “I-I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
Celestia’s impish grin widened. “I raided Luna’s stash!” she said in a carrying whisper from behind a hoof. “She’s so busy making her potions that she didn’t even hear me come in! She’s got a whole chest full of this stuff!”
“Princess Luna?” Twilight seized on the topic like Pinkie Pie scooping up a two-for-one cupcake special. “How is she? None of us have seen her since we freed her from the Nightmare Moon curse.”
Celestia waved a dismissive hoof. “She’s fine, though she’s started that irritating old-fashioned talking thing again.”
“Huh?” Twilight replied, her brow furrowing.
“Oh, it’s this thing she tried to make a thing way back when,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “It caught on for a year or two several millennia ago, and she’s been trying to bring it back ever since. It’s really annoying.”
Twilight tried to process that. “Uh—”
“Anyway, I figured that we would need to accessorize to do this properly.” Princess Celestia wagged her eyebrows at Twilight. “You know, a little something to get us in the mood.”
Twilight took a deep, steadying breath. “Princess, I’m your faithful student, but I think we might be crossing some boundaries here.”
Leaning in, Celestia hooked a hoof around Twilight’s neck and dragged her in closer. “Oh, we are definitely going to cross some boundaries, Twilight. We are going into entirely new realms because I’ve got a very exciting research project for you.”
“I, uh—”
Princess Celestia released Twilight from her iron grip, then pointed her horn at the saddlebags. The tip glowed for a moment before two flasks levitated out and dropped onto the blanket by their hooves. “I grabbed these beakers when—”
“Those are flasks,” Twilight said automatically.
“I grabbed these beakers from Luna when she was peeing. She’d have a coronary if she knew I had them.”
Twilight’s eyebrows knitted together. “They’re flasks. Beakers don’t have a tapered neck. They have a uniform circumference.”
Celestia lifted her head high and cleared her throat. “From this day forth by royal decree, these vessels shall be known as beakers. Happy?”
“No,” Twilight said a little uncertainly.
“Well, you will be. Take a closer look at them.”
Twilight hesitated a moment. Within her, irritation and curiosity rolled around on the floor, kicking and biting. Finally, curiosity hit irritation with a steel chair when the ref wasn’t looking and was declared the winner. Twilight sighed and magically lifted the inappropriately named beaker to eye level. It was midnight blue, with sparkling silver flecks floating within. “What is it?”
“Thestral elixir,” Celestia replied. “Luna’s been milking bats nonstop since she returned. It takes a lot of bat milk to fill a cauldron. Her room is filled with cranky, tender-nippled bats right now. Guano and teat cream everywhere.”
Twilight’s lip curled, and she moved the potion a little further from her face. “It’s made from bat milk?”
“Oh, yes.” Princess Celestia tapped her chin with a hoof. “It’s the primary ingredient, if I remember correctly, but there’s a few other things: Fur from a black cat. Moth wings. The ashes of a poem penned in tears and burned by scented candle. Stuff like that.”
“Really?” Twilight watched the mesmerizing rise and fall of the glimmering flecks within the potion’s body. “That’s an alchemical path that I’ve never heard of! Does Princess Luna know of forgotten techniques? Could she teach me?”
“Oh, she doesn’t really need that stuff,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes. “It just makes her feel spooky. Just hit enough bat milk with a transformation spell and you’ve got the elixir.”
Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “Oh.” Moments later, she perked up. “But… but then you want us to try these?”
“Of course!” Celestia smiled. “I want us to experience what this potion will do before she starts using it on the guards. She swears it’ll be safe, but the last time she tried to create her own honor guard, several up-and-coming stallions ended up with cackling pumpkin heads.
“Wow,” Twilight said, her hoof rising to her mouth. “How did you fix that?”
Celestia shrugged a shoulder. “I didn’t. Dark magic is Luna’s department, and she gets all touchy if you try and help her out. Not my problem if she’s got ridiculous looking guards.” Celestia’s eyes fell to a sultry half-lid. “I’m too busy looking after students, after all.”
“So anyway, these flasks—beakers!” Twilight said in a rush. “They’ll do what, exactly? Turn us into big bats?”
Celestia thought for a moment. “Well, they shouldn’t, but who knows with Luna? She goes overboard all the time. All it’s supposed to do is give you bat wings and darken your coat.”
“Wait. Wings?” Twilight leapt to her hooves. “You mean I’ll really be able to fly?”
“As long as Luna didn’t screw up again.”
Twilight’s eyes sparkled. “Let’s do it!” She held up a hoof as Celestia lunged in. “Nonono! I mean, let’s drink these and see what happens!”
Fighting back a heavy sigh, Celestia picked up a bottle of liquid eyeliner. “Come here then.”
~~~
Twilight whooped as she broke through the moon-drenched cloudtop. Ever since she was a filly, she’d imagined what it would be like to soar through the air.
“Well, what do you think?” Celestia said, angling her membranous wings to drift in closer to her student. “Do you think we could safely give this to Luna’s honor guard?”
“Woohoo!” Twilight looped over and around her teacher. “We should give this to everypony!”
“There isn’t enough mascara in all of Equestria for that, my dear pupil.” Celestia licked her lips. “Plus, there are… other factors to take into account.”
“Huh?” Twilight tried to follow, but a slow heat was creeping into her nethers. She squeezed her hind legs together, but the tingling just intensified. “What’s—”
Celestia smiled. “Did you know that it’s mating season for bats, Twilight?”
“Uh…” Twilight tried to clear her head, but the diffuse light from the moon made everything look so dreamy. Before her, Princess Celestia’s charcoal coat seemed as soft and warm as her favorite blanket. Her eyes spoke an invitation. “Oh, Princess…”
And they came together, tongues wrestling like lovesick eels in each other’s mouths. Juices dripped from hindquarters, and below, bewildered citizens looked up and wondered where this unscheduled rain was coming from. Twilight’s unskilled hooves went to all the wrong places, and her teacher docked her points before correcting.
Screams split the night, but in a range that nopony could hear. However, several colonies of bats blushed furiously.
~~~
Twilight hung from the cave ceiling, her mane trailing down toward the rough floor. Three of her hooves gripped the rock while the forth caressed her mate’s face. It was smeared with running makeup, but it was still beautiful. “I… I never knew it would be like that.”
“Well, naturally,” Celestia replied with a smirk.
Twilight’s brow furrowed. The response felt wrong. “What do you mean?”
“It’s cuter when you’re innocent, so I like to keep it that way,” Princess Celestia said while patting Twilight’s hoof. Concentrating for a moment, her horn began to glow. “Let's just erase a few hours from your memory, and then we can go home.”
“Wait, what?” Twilight tried to draw away but the princess’s grip turned to iron. Her eyes widened as Celestia’s horn flashed. Twilight’s eyes slid out of focus and she fell.
“That’s right,” Celestia said as she deposited Twilight’s unconscious body across her back. “Sleep it off. I’ll give you a new assignment tomorrow.”
