Monday Through Sunday - A POSTAL Crossover

by xl9

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Dark, Human, Comedy
Length: 6802

Postal Dude just wants to survive a week. Check out some library books, get the mail delivered, maybe not get blown into another wor— Oh. There goes that plan.

CAUTION: Contains unadulterated stupid and unflinching, totally ironic violence. Reader discretion is advised

Ever had one of those days?

You know the type. The days when you just want to get your day to day needs done, but you're too busy fighting off Unicorn Supremacists, crazed Wonderbolts fanatics, and a variety of evil woodland critters?

When Postal Dude finds himself thrown into a strange new world after a nuclear detonation, he finds that, in this world, every day is that day.

Colab with The Card Holder Lets hope to God we get it done.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-23 21:42:15 UTC

MONDAY

“So… You’re telling us you just happened to fall from the sky?”

“That’s the gist of it, yeah.”

“And you… accidently… fell on somepony?”

“I had no hand in it, but I guess so. Sorry.”

“Sorry? You killed Derpy!”

“You bastard!” Spike added in, shaking his fist.

“I said I was sorry, geeze. And it’s not like I chose to drop my house on her, anyway.”

Twilight Sparkle looked between her notes, and the odd creature in front of her, which now sported a somewhat thick bandage on its head.

This creature- or “human”, as he called himself- didn’t seem completely trustworthy to her, for reasons beyond landing on an innocent pony, even if it wasn’t his fault. For one, he seemed to only have a single tone of voice, and because of that it sounded like he was always being sarcastic. Not only that, but he seemed to be unrealistically calm for the current situation, which could either mean that he was really good at hiding his emotions, or that this was a regular occurrence for him.

There was also the fact that the townsponies had found him urinating on what was left of his house, as if nothing happened.

Twilight shook her head, clearing her thoughts. “Anyway, what did you say your name was, again?”

“Dude. Postal Dude.”

Twilight wrote the name down, quirking an eyebrow the whole time. “So… Postal Dude, you might want to get your head checked up. I can only do so much with my healing magic.”

Dude scoffed. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, just point me in the direction of some food and/or medical supplies.”

“Here!” Twilight offered him a map, marked up with a familiar cherry red color. “The general store is right here, and over heeeere…” Twilight pointed to the other side of town. “Is Nurse Redheart’s Clinic!”

“You seem awfully upbeat all of a sudden,” Dude deadpanned.

Twilight’s ears drooped. “Sorry, I just love showing new ponies… Er, humans around town, even in light of… certain tragedies.”

“Sure,” Dude nodded. “I understand completely.”

He didn’t.

Despite this, he went ahead and looked at the map, thinking over what he was gonna do today. “By the way, where am I gonna be staying?”

Twilight looked around. “Well, I suppose you could stay here at the library. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

Now with a place to call home for the foreseeable future, Dude started to formulate a plan for the day, muttering to himself. “So, my head’s killing me, should probably have it looked at more professionally… And it wouldn’t hurt to stop by that store... “ A picture on the map caught his eye, and he showed it to Twilight. “What’s this place, here?”

“Oh, that’s Sugarcube Corner. I have a friend that works there.”

Dude looked back at the map. “It looks like a diabetic’s worst nightmare, but I’ll be damned if I don’t deserve some sweets.”

Before Twilight could say anything else, Postal Dude got up and started walking towards the door.

It took Twilight a second to react to the sudden action. “W- Wait! Where are you going?”

Dude looked at her. “To the clinic? You know, for my aching head wound?”

“But what about all the townsponies? Don’t you think you’ll frighten them?”

Dude pondered this for a second, before shrugging, and continuing his journey towards the door. “I’ll handle it.”

The town was surprisingly quiet as Postal Dude walked by, ponies ducking into houses or stopping what they were doing to stare as he trudged towards the clinic. While the map made it seem like a long walk, it really wasn’t at all, and Dude reached it after only a couple of loading screens.

“Damn loading zones aren’t even marked,” he muttered to himself, as he strode through the front door of the Ponyville Clinic. Behind the desk was Nurse Redheart, who, upon seeing Dude enter the building, came to the sudden realization that she probably doesn’t get paid near enough for this shit.

“How can I help you sir?” Redheart said, her voice giving the impression that her shift was supposed to end five years ago.

“Hi there, I kinda hit my head when I got here, and I’d like to get it checked out.”

“Uh-huh,” Redheart responded, scribbling something on a paper with her hoof, somehow. “And your name is…”

“Dude. Postal Dude.”

Redheart paused her writing long enough to shoot a look at Dude, before she continued writing. “And you hit your head… How?”

“I fell,” Dude deadpanned. “From the sky.”

“The sky? You don’t look like a pegasus.”

Dude paused. “Did you seriously not hear about it? I mean, only half the goddamn town came to look.”

“No, I was here,” She sneered. “Working.” After an uncomfortable pause, she spoke up again, trying her best to sound pleased. “Okay, just sign here and here, and then we’ll get you fixed up in no time!”

Dude shrugged and signed his name, then followed Redheart deeper inside the building.

“You sure this is a good idea, man?”

“Of course! Whatever that ‘human’ has planned, it can’t be good! Think of the foals!”

“Sweet Celestia, you’re right! He needs to be stopped!”

Just as the stallions came to an agreement, the doors to the clinic flung open. Standing in their way was the Postal Dude himself, now sans head bandage.

“I feel better already.”

“There he is!” One shouted at him, hooves raised in the air. “GET HIM!”

Both confused and feeling a sense of deja vu, Dude turned just in time to see a pair of stallions charging towards him, yelling. Casually, he stepped out of the way at the last moment, causing them to crash straight into the wall of the clinic.

Shrugging, Dude continued on with his day, ignoring the now dazed stallions.

However, as he walked, one of the stallions raised back to his hooves and charged… Just in time for Postal Dude to sidestep them again, making them crash into an unlucky mare. Postal Dude scoffed at their pitiful plan of attack. It reminded him of protesters back home.

Looking at his map, he marked off the hospital with a sharpie. “Alright,” he muttered to himself as townsponies fled the scene. “Where to next…” His finger wandered over a general store at the heart of town, which was previously circled by Twilight.

“There. Lets see if I can’t get some damn regular food in this place.”

Ignoring the commotion behind him, Dude started heading towards the center of town. He still got plenty of odd looks, but he ignored them, since he was used to odd looks, anyway.

Eventually, he reached what looked like a simple store of some kind. There was a sign displaying the title of the establishment, but Dude didn’t care enough to look at it.

The bell over the door rang when Dude entered, and thankfully, the place was already a step up from the stores in Paradise and/or Bumfuk. For one, it didn’t smell like something died in here. Also, the earth pony mare at the counter smiled brightly, though she seemed to hesitate greatly upon seeing who her latest customer was.

Her friendliness eventually won out, though she still sounded a bit cautious. “Hello, sir!”

“Hi there.”

After the short greetings, Dude went on his way through the store, looking for anything he recognized. Unfortunately, it seemed that a lot of things here were inedible to him, such as hay or flowers. Also, there was no meat at all, but in retrospect he should’ve seen that one coming.

After picking out the only edible thing in the entire shop (loads of lettuce), as well as a carton of milk, he walked up to the line forming by the counter. Thankfully, it was fairly short, with only two ponies ahead of him; an earth pony stallion, and a unicorn mare.

The stallion paid for his goods and left, with barely a word between him and the cashier. However, when it was the mare’s turn, her disposition noticeably brightened, and the two ended up chatting about local events. Apart from a mention of “that poor mare”, Dude had no idea what they were talking about, and even then he was just guessing.

Once they were finally done chatting, the unicorn took her things and left with a happy goodbye, leaving Postal Dude and the cashier the only ones in the building.

He walked up and placed his items on the counter. She raised an eyebrow at both the strange creature in her store, and the rather large amount of lettuce he was buying, but said nothing.

Dude took the time to look around the store, and something occurred to him. “Say, is there a hardware store or anything around here?”

The mare paused in her bagging to tilt her head. “I believe so. Why?”

“Oh, just curious.” It never hurt to know these things, after all.

Not too long after that, the mare couldn’t help but make conversation. “So, what exactly are you? I’ve never seen anypony like you before.”

“I’m a human, thank you very much.”

The mare contemplated this. “A human? Are there more of you somewhere?”

“Not in this world, that I know of. Apparently I was pulled here thanks to some convenient plot device.”

“....riiight.” She shook off her skepticism in an attempt to be more friendly, though Dude could tell it was somewhat forced. “So, are you enjoying your stay in Ponyville?”

Dude shrugged. “It’s not too bad, but it takes some getting used to, what with all the brightly colored unicorns and all.”

For some reason, her demeanor ever so slightly brightened upon hearing the word ‘unicorn’. However, she said nothing else, and finished bagging his goods. “That will be forty-six bits, please.”

Postal Dude sighed, reaching into his coat pocket. Thankfully, Twilight had been kind enough to give him her own bits before heading out (meaning he grabbed a bag full of them when he left her home, and whether they were meant for him was debatable), and he had plenty left in the sack.

Plopping the bits on the counter, the earth pony gave him his groceries before saying farewell as he left the building.

Back into the open air, holding a bag full of lettuce and some milk, Dude once again looked at his map, crossing out the store.

As his eyes fell on the circled Sugarcube Corner, his stomach growled, scaring the daylights out of a mare who just happened to be passing by at that moment.

“Sorry,” Dude said, barely paying attention to her.

As he stepped into Sugarcube Corner, the smells of all sorts of baked goods flooded his nostrils. “Jesus Christ,” he spoke, his mouth watering. “What sorta food are they cooking up in here?”

“Lots of things!” a voice chimed in from behind him, startling the Postal Dude. He quickly spun around, poised to throw a pair of scissors, to face a small, pink pony with a bubbly mane. “We’ve got cookies, we’ve got cakes, we’ve got pies, we’ve got crepes, we’ve got croissants, we’ve got—”

“Alright, I get the point,” the Dude cut the pink pony off, looking over the counter and putting away his scissors. “This all looks pretty good. The question is, which one won’t give me a heart attack after I take a bite?”

The pink pony looked over the entire display of sweets, as if seriously contemplating the question. Eventually, she just shrugged, still smiling. “I don’t even know what that means!”

“Well at least the healthcare here is apparently top notch.” Undeterred by the possibility of acute diabetes, Dude looked over the vast display of sweets. His inner child was ecstatic at all the pastries that were on display, and his not-so-inner man also couldn’t help but admit that it all looked fucking delicious.

After a long internal debate, he made a decision. “I’ll take the jelly-filled donut with the pink icing and sprinkles, with an extra dipping sauce of glaze on the side. Also, make it a box of ten of them.”

Without missing a beat, the pink pony leaped behind the counter and swiftly started carrying out Dude’s order, with a grace that he did not expect, yet at the same time wasn’t surprised by. In no time, all ten donuts were boxed up and in his hands, and he was ready to return back to the castle, after he paid the appropriate amount of bits. After all, the sun was setting over the horizon, a sight he was used to back in Paradise.

As he entered the castle’s front doors, Twilight was pacing back and forth. “Where could those bits have gone? I knew I placed them here somewhere…”

“Hey, Twilight, thanks for the cash,” Dude said simply, laying the now-lighter bag of bits onto the table, where he first found it. Twilight gave a few dumbstruck looks between the bag and Dude, before placing a hoof on her face and letting out a sigh.

“Well, anyway, how was your day?” Twilight asked. She could guess, given the new bandage on his head, the box of donuts (which he was already eating one from), and the bag filled almost entirely with lettuce, but she wanted to hear it from his own mouth.

“These are fucking amazing,” he intelligently answered, munching down on one. “Is all the food here this good?”

Twilight couldn’t keep a smirk off her face. “I see you went to Sugarcube Corner. And yes, Pinkie’s cooking skills are second to none.”

Dude finished gulping down his donut. “And to answer your question, today went actually a lot better than my days normally go.”

Twilight tilted her head in a questioning motion.

“Normally, I would’ve had at least five people try to kill me. Today it was only three, and even then I’m pretty sure they weren’t going that far.”

Twilight gasped. “Somepony tried to attack you?”

“Poorly. I just ignored them.”

Twilight eyed Dude oddly. “You sound far too used to that happening.”

Dude just shrugged.

Twilight sighed. “Alright then… Well, at least your head seems to be taken care of.”

“Yeah, but honestly I’ve felt far worse.”

With that, Dude got up and stretched. “So, where am I gonna sleep while I’m here?”

“There’s an empty bedroom just down the hall there,” Twilight pointed, “first door on your left.”

“Got it. Night.”

And so Postal Dude left Twilight alone. She just shook her head. Things in this town were getting crazier by the day.

And for some reason, a tiny voice in her head said that it was possible things would only get worse from here.

TUESDAY

“I don’t know what’s in this cereal, but it tastes great,” Postal Dude stated, lifting another spoonful of O-shaped cereal into his mouth. “What did you say these were again?”

Twilight fought to keep from staring at Dude like he had started flopping about on the floor. “Uh… Celesti-O’s? They’re kinda… meant for foals.”

“Well they have good taste. This is much better than the crap back home.”

“Riiight…” Undeterred, Twilight pulled out the map of town, now free of any markings. Magic or something, probably. “Now, if it’s not too much trouble, my friend Fluttershy is going to be out today, and she needs someone to take care of her animals. Think you’d be up for that?”

Postal Dude quirked an eyebrow. “So an alien literally drops into your world, kills a pony in the process, and the next day, you’re trusting him with multiple animals?”

“Erm, you seem trustworthy enough,” Twilight spoke. “And besides, the whole town has jobs to do. We need someone to make sure Angel doesn’t burn Fluttershy’s cottage down.”

“Uh-huh. And where is this Fluttershy anyways?” Dude crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the ground. Using another marker, Twilight circled a cottage near the edge of town, and quickly wrote down Take care of animals.

“Right here!” She smiled. “Any questions?”

“Yeah,” Dude spoke up. “Can you get me more of that cereal? It’s fucking fantastic.”

“So… That’s it?” Dude asked. “Just watch these little fellas for two hours? That should be a breeze.”

Fluttershy wanted to smile at the human before her, but she kept finding herself nervously glancing between her house and Dude. “Y-Yes…” She finally spoke up. “They should all be well behaved… Oh, and remember to give Angel the salad he likes. He gets grumpy if you don’t.”

Dude looked at the rabbit in question, who was glaring at him from the other side of the window. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

Fluttershy smiled. “It’s good to know I can count on you…”

“Dude. Postal Dude.” he replied, extending his hand for a shake.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Dude,” Fluttershy shook his hand with her hoof, before trotting off, leaving Dude alone with the animals.

“Maybe I can finally get some nice peace and quiet in this town.”

Almost immediately after he said that, the cottage broke into pandemonium, as almost all of the animals inside started making an incredible amount of noise and messes.

Dude just watched for a bit. “Fuck me.”

“Okay, little guy,” Dude kneeled down to see Angel Bunny, munching on a carrot. “Here’s the salad Fluttershy prepared for you. Think maybe you can calm the fuck down now?”

Angel merely shook his head. Around them, the rest of the animals were now calmed down, as well, through combinations of food, proper bedding, and other such things that the budget couldn’t afford to put in somehow worked.

“Eat the damn salad,” Dude crossed his arms. Angel shook his head yet again. “Eat. The damn. Salad.” Angel scowled.

“Will you eat the goddamn salad or will it be the last surviving members of your family?”

Angel shook his head again, and grabbed the nearby recipe for the same salad. He then pointed at the picture, which looked slightly different from the actual dish sitting in front of him.

“You gotta be fucking kidding.” Dude sighed, placing the plate down right in front of Angel… Before kicking the plate at him with enough force to send both Angel and the plastic plate soaring against a wall.

There was a sickening crunch as Angel hit the wall, blood seeping from behind the plate. “Oh.” Dude deadpanned. “Shit.”

Slowly, he turned to face the other animals, who were staring blankly at him. “You all saw that, right?” he asked. “He… tripped.”

The animals nodded in agreement, and went about their own lives. Apparently they disliked the rabbit just as much as he did.

“Right, now uh… Fluttershy should be home any minute. I think that’s my cue to book it out of here.” Dude rubbed the back of his head, before scribbling a note on a piece of paper.

I O U

As Dude walked down the streets of Ponyville, he couldn’t help but feel like there was something else he could do today. After all, it looked like it was only barely past noon. Turns out he didn’t need to watch the animals for nearly as long as he expected.

Thinking about the animals made him realize that, in all this mess, his dog Champ was missing.

“Oh, well, he’s probably fine.”

His train of thought was interrupted when a rainbow-colored blur streaked over his head, nearly knocking him off his feet. As Dude recovered, the blur slowed down and landed mere feet in front of him, a wide grin on its face.

“How’s it hangin’?”

Dude paused. “Uh… Who are you, exactly?”

“Name’s Rainbow Dash,” she spoke, planting a hoof on her chest. “And I’m Equestria’s number one flyer, future Wonderbolt, and all around awesome pony!”

“Do you spend any time not sucking your own metaphorical dick?” Dude crossed his arms.

“Yea— Wha!?”

“Nothing.”

Dash shook her head. “Well, listen, can you do something for me? I got… Kinda banned from the nearby bookstore, and I just need to have the new Daring Do book! Think you can pick it up for me?”

“And why in the world are you asking me?” Dude asked.

“Because Twi said you’re really good at running errands!” She smiled. Dude rolled his eyes.

“How the hell do you get banned from a bookstore here, anyway?”

Dash laughed sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head. “Well—”

“Nevermind, don’t care.” Dude started walking towards the bookstore. “You owe me, though.”

One loading screen later, the Dude found himself at Shut Up and Read Books... Only to find a line out the door, all of ponies waiting to get the first copies of the newest entry in the Daring Do series. “Oh, this is just bullshit.” Dude grumbled to himself.as he got in the back of the line.

Time stretched on, as one by one, the line moved slowly forward, punctuated by an excited pony walking the other way every time. It was enough to make Dude roll his eyes.

Eventually, he made it into the store itself, where he could see all sorts of displays advertising the very book everyone else was getting. He found this especially odd, because it looked like it was made for little kids, yet a lot of the ponies in line looked to be grown adults.

The sun dropped lower in the sky as the line progressed, until Dude found himself at the front of the line. “Hi there,” Dude spoke, tapping the table. “I’d like one copy of…” He found himself reading a nearby promotional poster. “Daring Do and the Magic Macguffin.” He had to fight to keep himself from mocking the title.

The mare behind the counter winced. “Sorry, sir, but we just sold our last copy.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding.”

Meanwhile, behind him, the line was equally frustrated, and didn’t hesitate to voice it. Dude ignored this, though, as he stormed outside, the other ponies following him and going their own ways.

Dude was about to go to Dash and tell her it was a waste of both their times, when suddenly he turned and saw a colt reading a copy of the very book that was being sold. This gave him an idea.

“Hey there pal,” Dude kneeled down to look the colt in the eye. “What’s that book you got there?”

“It’s the new Daring Do!” he said excitedly.

Dude did his best to feign ignorance. “Huh, never heard of that series before. Can I see what that one’s about?”

The child obliged, and Dude looked at the back cover of the book. Then, he quickly turned to the last page, before letting out a small laugh. “Daring Do becomes an alicorn and A- Ahuiz- the bad guy is reformed and occasionally has some antics with her. Sounds pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.”

The kid started tearing up, before running off, crying loudly. This got more than a few looks from the nearby ponies, but Dude simply whistled innocently as he hid the book in his jacket. He walked down the street where Rainbow Dash was waiting for him. “So,” she grinned in anticipation. “Did you get it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” he said, before nonchalantly tossing the book at her. However, she didn’t see it coming, and the book impacted her head, making her fall to the ground with a yelp.

“Uh… whoops.”

Not giving her a chance to be angry at him, Dude just walked off, leaving her dazed on the ground.

“Well, guess it’s time to head back. Hopefully Twilight’s not too pissed.”

“Wait, WHAT happened to Angel Bunny?”

“He tripped, that’s all.” Dude nonchalantly shrugged. “Nothing I could do about it.”

Twilight still eyed Dude suspiciously. “Are you absolutely sure that’s what happened?”

“Look, Twibright-”

“Twilight.”

“Whatever, I’ve had a long day. I’ve been ripped from everything I’ve known out of nowhere, so I’m sorry if I don’t get along one hundred percent.”

Twilight’s gaze turned to one of sympathy. “I- I’m sorry, I forgot that—”

Dude sighed. “Look, it doesn’t matter, alright? Goodnight.” With that, he left for his room.

Once he was out of sight, he smiled to himself. It wasn’t often he got to play the victim, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna take full advantage of it.

“What’s the status of the spell, my queen?” a voice spoke in the darkness of the Everfree Forest, a red glow from his horn illuminating the surroundings ever so slightly.

“Come tomorrow, it will be fully charged,” a more feminine voice responded with a cackle. “We’ll just have to test it, first...”

WEDNESDAY

Postal Dude stepped out of Twilight’s library with a content smile, his hands in his coat pockets. He had just finished another delicious bowl of Celesti-Os, and for once in his life, had a whole day free to himself.

So, naturally, he decided the best way to spend it was to wander around until something happened. Surely nothing would go wrong, right?

As he walked down main street, ponies continued on their everyday jobs. He guessed he had been around town long enough for them to get used to the sight of a human. Yet just as he rounded a corner, he bumped into a familiar cyan pony.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “Watch where you’re going, pal!”

Her attitude changed immediately when she saw who it was that bumped into her. “Oh, hey, you again.” She then scratched her head. “Actually, I just realized I don’t know your name.”

“Postal Dude,” Postal Dude answered.

“Postal Dude?” Dash held back a chuckle. “Well, Postal Dude, meant to thank you for the book yesterday! Did you know Daring Do becomes an alicorn at the end?”

Dude just stared blankly. “Sounds pretty fucking stupid.”

Dash just laughed. “I know, right? Anyways, I got an extra ticket to a Wonderbolts show, figured that’d be a nice ‘thank you’.” Dash handed Dude a ticket with a golden WB written on it.

Dude merely stared at it. “The hell’s a Wonderbolt?” He remembered Dash mentioning it yesterday, but that’s all the experience he had with the term.

“The most awesome ponies in all of Equestria! They do loops, and tricks, and there’s fireworks… It’s so cool!” Dash squealed, raising her front hooves into the air. “And guess who is going to be a member soon? That’s right, this pony!”

Dude started tuning out her explanation as soon as she said ‘awesome’. Still, if nothing else, this would give him something to do for the day. Once she was done talking, he spoke up. “So, when’s the show?”

“In just an hour!” Dash responded giddily. “Come on, if we go the stadium now, we might be able to get some good seats!”

Dude shrugged. There were worse ways to spend a day.

By the time Dude and Dash got to the stadium, it was almost entirely packed. Thankfully, the tickets were for certain seats, so the two of them were able to get to their own seats just fine.

“How come you had a second ticket for this, anyway?” Dude asked.

Dash shrugged. “You know, I’m honestly not sure.”

Scootaloo looked around the center of Ponyville, fully decked out in Wonderbolts fan attire. She looked back and forth, her expression dropping the whole time.

“R- Rainbow Dash?”

Dude sat down with a large bucket filled to the brim with popcorn, Dash eating cotton candy. Inside the actual stadium, the show was starting, several pegasi in blue and yellow spandex preparing to take off.

“They look like superhero rejects…” Dude muttered as they blasted into the air, opening with a corkscrew. They flew in perfect harmony, stunning the crowds with their finesse.

Or at least, the crowds minus Postal Dude.

“How gimmicky can one show be?” He sighed, munching on some more popcorn. Dash recoiled and was about to open her mouth to respond… But shrugged it off. Opinions are opinions, after all.

After a few more minutes of aerial acrobatics, the performers came in to land, signaling the end of the first part of the show. The crowd broke into applause, while Dude grumbled. “Well that was one giant fucking waste of my time.”

Everypony paused and stared at him.

“What?” He put his hands up. “Was it something I said?”

He looked at the crowd around him, their faces unreadable. Suddenly, he had some sort of strange feeling that, maybe, things were about to get interesting.

That proved true when he heard one member of the crowd some distance away shout, “Get him!”

All at once, the crowd descended upon the human, rage filling their eyes. Postal Dude didn’t even have to think as he drew his shovel and slammed it to the side, nailing a poor unicorn in the cheek. Blood and teeth soared through the air as the stallion hit the ground in a heap, two more ponies advancing on the Dude.

Around him, the rest of the crowd was going completely crazy. It seemed that, in all the pandemonium, some of them had simply started attacking each other, turning the stands into an all-out brawl.

In the center of it all, Dude kept swinging with his shovel, knocking out teeth and rattling skulls. Two ponies approached him from behind, but just before they could strike, he spun around with a taser in one hand and a police baton in the other.

Dude quickly stuck the taser into the pegasus’ chest, causing her to flail as the approaching earth pony raised a hoof. Dude swung his baton around his neck, and with one pull, launched him backwards over the railing and onto the field. The second pony continued to wave her hooves like wild until Dude landed a boot in her chest, sending her flying back into the crowd and knocking over ponies like bowling pins.

Dude smirked. “Now, can’t we settle this like a bunch of adults?”

He heard hoofsteps rapidly approaching from behind, so he whirled around, swinging the flat end of the shovel towards the attacker. It impacted with a satisfying thunk, sending the pony to the ground, teeth scattered about.

He paused slightly when he saw the pony in question. “Uh, sorry, Dash.”

Seeing an opening in the crowd, Dude ran through, smacking any ponies who tried to get a hit on him. By now, everyone else in the stands were focused on their own fights, some of which involving the Wonderbolts themselves, which meant that he got back to the entrance with little difficulty, apart from some bruising and a few spots of blood on his jacket, though none of it was his.

As Dude put away his shovel, he cracked his neck. “Well, that turned out alright.” He started whistling as he walked down the street, ignoring the guards that were now rushing the opposite direction, towards the stadium.

While walking along peacefully, Dude happened to see a pair of garden sheers stuck in a halfway trimmed hedge. Evidently the pony who was using them had to leave for something. Shrugging, he quickly ‘borrowed’ the sheers and stuck them in his jacket, still whistling.

As he continued to look over the locals during his walk, he couldn’t help but notice that he saw the same few mares together more than a few times. In fact, he had a small feeling that they were following him, but that was crazy. Right?

On his way to Twilight’s castle, he noticed something he hadn’t before. A hardware store. Probably the one the mare at the general store mentioned a couple days ago. “Huh,” Dude mused to himself. “If the other ponies are as crazy as those wonderbolt fans, then I might need some of this…”

The inside was no different from the hardware stores back home, so it was very easy for Dude to find the things he needed. A couple rolls of duct tape, a simple nail hammer, and a small can of kerosene.

The cashier raised an eyebrow at Dude’s purchases, but said nothing as he paid. After stashing the items in his jacket, Dude walked back outside, ready to call this day a success.

Yet as he left, he noticed the other ponies from earlier huddled by the door. “Excuse me,” Dude spoke with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. “I don’t want what you’re selling, so you can go fuck off.”

The ponies seemed to ignore what he said, and instead focused entirely on him. It was actually pretty creepy, so Dude walked off. Worryingly, the ponies followed, gazes still locked on him.

Getting tired of it, Dude suddenly turned around. As his jacket flew out slightly from the sudden movement, the mare’s eyes widened. “Look, can you all kindly fuck off now?”

While they were stunned, Dude took the time to turn back around and leave, grumbling the whole time. Once he had left the mares behind, they turned to face each other.

“He totally said that to me!” the sea-green colored unicorn fawned, only to get pushed out of the way by a dark brown earth pony.

“No way! He’s totally into me!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yuh-huh!”

“No, he’s into me!”

“Shut the hell up, Roseluck!”

As the three argued, Postal Dude just sighed, walking down the street. “Good grief, these ponies are fucking crazy,” he shook his head as Twilight’s castle came into view.

The moment he walked inside, the princess herself was bombarding him with questions. “What the hay happened at the stadium?!”

“Those fans are insane,” Dude said simply.

“Dozens of ponies were hospitalized, including Rainbow Dash!” she fumed. “And I’m just finding out that half of those were from you!”

Dude put his hands up. “Come on, it was self defense, they attacked me because I didn’t like their shitty flying team. And lets be real, the rainbow one had it coming.”

“They attacked you!?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “A likely story, mister. I’m keeping you under close watch until Celestia gets this sorted out, you hear me?”

Dude sighed. “Fine, don’t believe me.” He started walking towards his room. “Just like my fucking wife,” he grumbled to himself.

“What was that?!”

“Nothing, dear,” Dude said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Once again, the darkness of the forest was illuminated by a single, small red light.

“How did the testing of the spell go?” the feminine voice asked.

“Very well, my queen,” the source of the light said. “It appears to be 100% effective.”

“Excellent. Tomorrow, we shall utilize it for all of Ponyville, and finally get revenge on those fools!”

An evil laugh filled the air, before stopping suddenly. “Oh, you can go ahead and get rid of the test subjects now.”

“Yes, my queen.” The light went some distance away, revealing a pair of cages, each containing a squirrel, both of which were violently hissing at each other and trying to break free.

Both of the cages were opened, and the rodents immediately charged at each other, turning into a furry little ball of bloodthirsty violence. Soon after, the forest was once again cast into darkness.

SUNDAY

“Games are bad! They make you mad! Games are bad! They make you mad!”

A man by the name of The Postal Dude awoke to the annoying sound of protesters outside his trailer house. Judging by their chanting, they were most likely those “Parents for Decency” nuts.

This was probably gonna be one of those days.

Looking out his window, he noticed the protesters were circling his workplace next door, the Running With Scissors office of Bumfuk, New Mexico. The old one had unfortunately been nuked when he had left said nuke in the office of [CENSORED] publishing, and also he was technically fired a week before for completely unrelated reasons.

Regardless, he had gotten a job at another RWS office no problem, since apparently background checks were going out of style. And now that office was being protested.

“Hey! Idiots! Keep it down, will ya!” Postal Dude screamed out his window, but the protesters paid him no mind.

Grumbling in frustration, Dude quickly put on his trademark jacket and sunglasses, and walked out into the constantly dusk sunlight. The moment he did, one of the protesters looked his way and pointed. “Hey, it’s that asshole that killed our decent brethren over in Paradise! Get him!”

The parents all instantly dropped their signs and exchanged them for all manner of shovels, shotguns, and automatic assault weapons, completely missing the irony of their response.

Postal Dude sighed, reaching into his jacket. It was definitely going to be one of those days.

A few hours later, blood spattered the streets of Bumfuk, the corpses of protestors, bystanders, a few cops, and even a number of Taliban members equally scattered. Standing in the middle of the chaos was Postal Dude, a shotgun in his hands.

“You know, I’m surprised that the military hasn’t gotten involved yet, what with all the people I’ve killed.”

At just that moment, for reasons currently unknown, a plane flew high overhead, and Dude could see something dropping from it, falling towards the center of town. Whatever it was, it was awfully bomb shaped, and there was also just one, which was never a good sign.

“Oh, god dammit, not again!” He cursed, taking off sprinting for his trailer. Those could survive nukes, right? At least he thought they could, according to that one shitty movie he saw at some point. As he closed the door behind him, the nuclear missile hit the ground.

BOOOOOOM!

And just like that, everything faded into darkness for the intrepid Postal Dude.

Just before it enveloped him, a single thought flew through his mind:

“Wait, when was the last time I saved, again?”

Meanwhile, across several planes of existence, Ponyville was having a decidedly average day. Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and everypony was getting along with each other just fine.

Near the outskirts of town, a certain gray-coated, skew-eyed pegasus was happily walking home, humming a cheerful tune.

Suddenly, there was an odd noise in the air above her, and she looked up to see a large, metal object falling right towards her, with no hope of her getting out of the way in time.

Still smiling, the pegasus looked straight (well, mostly) towards her impending demise.

“Well shit.”

And with that, the metal object made impact, with a noise that was later described as “one of the worst noises you’ve ever heard, but not quite as bad as that opera we went to last week”.

As the trailer landed, Postal Dude awoke, his body screaming in pain from the impact, which is a completely normal part of being nuked and then falling a good distance in a trailer home. However, the pain also told him that he was still alive, somehow, which was good.

As he rose to his feet, Postal Dude checked himself for any injuries. Surprisingly, he didn’t have any broken limbs, though his head wound was reopened by the fall, and as such he was losing a good amount of blood. Nothing necessarily life threatening, but still a bit worrying.

A quick self-patdown revealed that he also still had all his weapons stuffed into various pockets on his pants and jacket. So he could at least defend himself should something happen.

Finding his way through the twisted hunk of metal that used to be his house proved to be a little more challenging than he thought, however, but he was eventually able to find a gaping hole probably used to be the front door. Outside, he could see nothing but trees in the distance, which was odd, since the part of New Mexico he was in had strict rationing on trees.

Emerging into the open air, Dude noticed the particular smell of a fresh corpse, and spied a small puddle of blood spreading from underneath his wrecked trailer.

He thought for a bit about it, then shrugged. “Oh well, not like it was my fault, this time.”

Looking around his former home, Postal Dude spotted a town not too far away. What was odd, though, was that the buildings looked almost primitive, and also far too colorful for their own good.

Oh, and the approaching group of curious, small, colorful horses didn’t help matters.

Once again, Postal Dude thought over things, before reaching a conclusion as to what course of action he should take, first.

“Man, I need to take a piss.”

Walking back to the front(?) of his house, Dude unzipped his pants and did just that, letting out a small sigh of relief.

“Wherever the hell I am, hopefully it won’t be too crazy.”