A Good Walk With My Thoughts
I can feel the wind in the night flow through my mane. Cold, just like what ponies believe death is like, and yet still so alive that it messes with my mane and tail, almost like it’s a calm dance they are having. Twirling around, going back and forth, up and down, side to side. It’s refreshing, calming my nerves down, making it possible to release all my thoughts and frustration. Making it possible for me to think of whatever events that has occurred the last few days, or just my life in total, all the decisions that I regret, and rarely the decisions that I am proud of.
I can feel the dirt beneath my hooves getting pushed to the side and in front of me as I trot along the dirt path. I look behind me, watching my house in the distance, only visible due to the houses around it with their lights shining onto my home.
Ponies I only talk to when we bump into each other when I’m on my way somewhere. Never have I invited them home or vice versa.
That is how it’s always been with me. Keeping to myself, only letting the closest of my family and the few friends I have into my life.
I turn my head back to the road in front of me. I have walked this path so many times now that I could probably walk backwards the whole way and still end up at my destination.
The dirt path is lid from the houses and Luna´s moon hanging high in the sky. Guiding me and anypony else who would be out by this time of the night.
That is why I like to walk at night, nopony around me, no haste or stress, just me, the wind and my thoughts.
My eyes drift onto the buildings next to me. I can’t stop looking at the houses I pass, looking into the windows as I pass them, seeing families smiling, playing games or reading a book together. Elderly couples who have been together for longer than they can probably remember themselves. Things I hope I can get to do myself in the future.
I let out a sigh and turn my head to face the path again.
Time doesn’t feel the same when I walk, actually I completely forget about time. I can be walking for what feels like only a few minutes, but when I realize how close I am to my destination, I know in my head that there must have passed at least five to ten minutes more than it feels like. There is even times where I don’t even have a destination in my mind, I just walk until I come to a place where I feel like sitting down and relaxing.
However it is mostly the same place I’m heading for, and the same place I’m sitting down.
Music is playing in my ears. Funny really how it begins with something with a lot of bass and heavy metal guitars, but it always ends up with something more classical, something with a piano, cellos or violins playing. It’s not an action I think about, it really just happens.
My hooves start to move faster as I get closer to the spot. I have to force them to slow down, because really there is nothing special about the place I’m heading for.
My thoughts begins to give me pictures of somepony I have feelings for, how I love to be with the pony and how i hate not being able to be with them right now. The only problem is… I’m uncertain if they have the same feelings for me.
Right now we are friends, and I’m afraid to come out with my feelings, afraid of being rejected, afraid if they just want to be friends, afraid of ruining our friendship forever.
Some of our friends tell me just to try and ask… but it is just not that easy, the fear is holding me back from taking the chance.
I’m here. Finally I’m at the station, standing underneath a flickering lamp, just barely making me visible.
Somepony would probably ask me what is so special about this place, and in reality I barely know myself. It could be the possibility to take the train and just travel to another place. Just step onto the last train with only a few items in a bag and never look back.
Just as I arrive I can spot the headlights of the train heading towards the station. My mind once again starts to flow with thoughts, but this is thoughts that can end really badly. I look down at the tracks, I calculate how long it will be before the train is stopping, and how many seconds I have to make the possibly final decision. Something in me want to do it, why shouldn’t I. I can’t decide to what I want to do with my life, I can’t tell the one I have feelings for that I like them, hell there is problems between some of my friends and my close family where I am caught in the middle.
I close my eyes for just a second, trying to decide what to do. The cool night wind is hitting my head, running through my mane and down my back to my tail. I take a deep refreshing breath, calming my nerves and thoughts.
*screech*
The sound of train wheels trying to stop on the tracks can be heard in my ears.
“Well another night where i didn’t do it” I think to myself.
“ALL ABOARD LAST TRAIN TO CANTERLOT, ALL ABOARD”
The conductor yells. No pony is getting on or off, never is at this time of night. The train leaves shortly after.
I smile. It was probably the right choice I made there. Now I have time to change the things in my life. And when I think of it, my life isn’t even that bad, at least not compared to so many others.
And if it all goes downhill and gets worse, the station will still be here tomorrow.
