This Story Is Not Important...
This Chapter Is Not Important Either
"My name is Not Important. What's important is what I'm about to do." A pale-skinned man in a black trenchcoat spoke, his greasy black hair rolling down to his shoulders. "I just fuckin' hate this world..." He continued, loading a magazine into an assault rifle with a satisfying click. "And the human worms feasting on its carcass."
Not Important grabbed a pineapple-shaped grenade off of the table and strapped it to his belt. "It's time for me to kill... And it's time for me to die." As he spoke, he walked over to the door, his AR in hand. "My genocide crusade begins no—"
Ding!
"Heya!" A voice shouted from the other end of the door. "I heard a bit of a ruckus down there, what's hangin' neighbor?" Not Important paused. It must've been that fucking pony from upstairs.
"Go away unless you want your brains splattered across my fucking porch." Not Important replied, peering out the eyehole to spot the pink blob of energy. Sure enough, she was there, bouncing on his drab front yard.
"Okay neighbor!" The disgustingly pink pony responded with a giggle. "But are you sure? I've got a present for yooooooou~"
Not Important paused once more. A present? For him? He had to admit, he was intrigued. "The only present I want is a painful death, along with the filthy humans who inhabit this earth. I've always wanted to die violently." He added, "And today, I shall get my wish."
Much to Not Important's frustration, the pony only laughed harder. "Jeez Billy, that's one heck of a joke!"
"Fuck you!" Billy shot back, slamming on the door. "My name is Not Important."
"Uh... Last I checked, it was Billy? But Not Important sounds cool too!" The pony, who Billy identified as Pinkie Pie responded. "Can I pleeeeease come in? I just want to give you a gift!"
Billy grumbled. his hand hovering over the doorknob. Fine, she wanted to come in so badly? She'd be the first victim of his genocide crusade, then. Billy opened the door, AK-47 aimed squarely at the pony's head... Only to find she was gone!
Billy looked all around his porch, his AR swiveling with him. "Where the hell did she go..." He huffed... Only for a hoof to pat him on the shoulder. "GAH!" Billy shouted, spinning around just in time to see the pony lazily playing with a pistol.
"Hey, Billy? What does this do?"
BANG!
Billy roared in agony as a bullet pierced his shoulder, causing him to drop his assault rifle. "Oops." Pinkie sheepishly spoke, her ears pressed against her head. "Sorry..."
"Sorry?!" Billy cackled. "You're sorry? You just shot me in the godamn arm!" Picking up his assault rifle once more, he leveled it at Pinkie. "it's time to die, bitch."
Billy squeezed the trigger and a stream of hot lead shot from the muzzle of the gun, lighting up the drab house. Masterfully, Pinkie dodged to the right, cartwheeling over to Billy and pressing a hoof up to his nose. "Boop!" She giggled as Billy roared.
"Fuck." Billy spoke, punting Pinkie across the room and into his weapons table, the table collapsing on impact. "YOU!" He finished, pulling the trigger once more... Only to find that the gun wouldn't shoot. "Wha—!?" Billy asked, only to look up and see Pinkie Pie holding the AK's magazine.
Billy's rage grew. How dare this sugary sweet beast come into his house and mess with his guns!? Drawing a combat knife, he slowly approached Pinkie with an evil smile on his face.
"I'm gonna gut ya, you bastard." Billy spoke with a flick of his knife. "And when I do... I'll piss on your corpse."
"That's not very nice!" Pinkie pouted, crossing her front legs. "You need to lighten up Billy-o! Here, take my gift!"
Pinkie pulled out a cake from absolutely nowhere, sliding it over to Billy's feet. He looked down at the cake and read it out loud. "Have A Great Day, Neighbor!" He scoffed and slammed his foot into the cake... Only for it to stick on his boot.
Billy shook his foot to get the sugary cake off of his foot, but only managed to succeed in slipping, landing flat on his back. Pinkie hopped over, a look of genuine concern on her face.
"Need a hoof?"
"Fuck off." Billy moaned.
"Well... Okie dokie then! See you later, neighbor!" And with that, Pinkie Pie hopped out his open front door, gently closing it behind him. It took Billy a good minute or so to realize what just happened, before slamming his fist on the wood floor in frustration.
"Maybe..." Billy huffed, wheezing from exhaustion. "Maybe genocide crusading can wait until tomorrow..."
This Story Is Not Important...
The streets of Ponyville were mostly empty at this hour, save for a few ponies returning home. Yet, one man walked into town square, his heavy combat boots splashing in puddles. Every pony who saw him cowered away, as they knew he was bad news.
His name was... Not Important.
As he slowly approached the gingerbread-esque house in town square, his twisted smile grew larger. With one hand behind his back, he walked over to the front door... And BANG! He kicked it right off its hinges, flying into the room!
Everypony inside seemed to move in slow-motion. Applejack and Rainbow Dash tilted their heads to the door, their eyes widening in shock. Twilight Sparkle jumped back while Fluttershy ducked under a table. Rarity made a move for the stairs, and Pinkie... Pinkie's hair began to deflate.
They knew they were at the end of their line.
Not Important pulled the weapon out from behind him and leveled it, pulling the trigger. The first shot hit Rarity in the leg, causing her to cry out. The second hit Rainbow Dash right between the eyes, with a third going into Twilight's neck. Applejack jumped forward to stop the assailant, only to receive a projectile straight to the chest. Fluttershy squeaked as a shot hit her in the head. All that was left with Pinkie, and Not Important raised his gun...
...And it clicked empty.
Time resumed at its normal flow. Rarity hit the stairs, Rainbow Dash fell backwards, Applejack plopped to the ground, Twilight reeled back, and Fluttershy yelped. As he loaded another round in... Pinkie Pie began to laugh.
And soon, the other ponies began to laugh to as the foam darts hit the ground.
"That's a good one, Billy!" Pinkie laughed. "Toy guns? Niiiiiiice."
"Mind if I join you?" Billy replied. "This seems like a gosh darn good party."
"Of course Billy!" Pinkie smiled. "You're welcome any time!"
And for the first time in a long time.
Billy was happy.
