Pinkie Pie and the Fanfiction Writer
Pinkie Pie and the Fanfiction Writer
The author took a deep breath, flexed his fingers and began to type:
"Pinkie Pie's eyes swelled up with tears. The meaning of life for her, truly everything, was now gone. Her life had no purpose. There was no need for laughter, no, this mare couldn't bring herself to imagine laughing again. This was what it felt like to feel dead inside, to know your life now had no purpose in the cruel world."
Wow. He sat back and reread the paragraph, hoping it was heartbreaking enough for the judgmental readers on FIMFiction.net.
Naw, not sad enough. He kept typing, making Pinkie soaking wet and covered in blood from the adventure she was on. Good, good, blood always helped the affect. Now what else? Romance! Pinkie must have sacrificed herself for her one true love. Brilliant! His fingers tapped the keys gently, sweat dripping down his brow.
What this story really needed was a horribly cruel villain. He imagined a dark monster taller than a house, with red glowing eyes and an obsession for making ponies his slaves. No, not slaves. Food! Yes, of course! He was a genius.
And Equestria needed a hero. Aha! He would put himself into Equestria to save the entire nation! Who would make a better hero after all?
Pinkie Pie should die a slow, excruciatingly painful death, just to keep the readers entertained. Or maybe she would be half-dead so he, the hero, could rescue her. And marry her!
He could practically smell the Featured-box already.
He stopped writing and listened. Something was moving inside his closet.
He stood up and opened the closet door. Sitting inside, munching on a sock, was a pink fluffy thing, about five feet tall. The thing spat out the sock and looked up at the man.
The two stared at each other for quite a long time, until the pink thing spoke.
"Your socks taste super bad."
"I haven't washed them in weeks," the man replied calmly, as if he had a pink thing in his closet eating socks every week.
The thing walked over to his laptop and studied it. "Writing Fanfiction?"
"Yup."
More awkward silence. The thing read his masterpiece and, after a while, groaned.
"So you're one of THOSE writers, aren't you?"
"What?"
"The kind of writer that enjoys watching ponies suffer!" the thing growled. "Let met ask you something. If you say you're such a big fan of ponies, why do you torture us?"
"I...I..."
"Well?" Pinkie Pie (of course it was her, what did you think?) tapped her foot impatiently.
"It's not real. It doesn't do any harm." The brony bit his lip.
"Oh? You didn't know that ponies consider Brony Fanfiction prophecies? Things that either have happened or will in the future?" Pinkie Pie gave an embarrassed facehoof. "All since I showed them the Internet. I've been almost arrested because of 'Cupcakes', and Derpy thinks she has amnesia because she doesn't remember what happened in 'Bubbles'! And don't even get me started on 'My Little Dashie'..." Pinkie shuddered.
"Can't you explain to them that it's all fake?"
"Don't you think I've tried? They don't listen to me. Not after they found that stupid fanfic." Pinkie covered her her face with her hooves.
The brony had a sudden idea. Here was Pinkie Pie, his favorite of the Mane Six, coming to him for help! All of Equestria was in mortal danger!
His fanfic was coming true. Well, at least some of it.
All he had to do was enter Equestria,
save everypony in it, and marry Pinkie Pie. Easy.
"You need a hero," the brony said, attempting to act flirtatious. He flicked back his dirty brown hair and wished he had shaved earlier that morning. Oh well, Pinkie would fall for him no matter what.
"So you think YOU can save everypony from going crazy with worry?" Pinkie almost sounded sarcastic.
"Of course I can. I can do-" he flashed his not-so-glistening, banana-colored teeth. "-anything."
"I'm sure you can." Pinkie was definitely sarcastic this time.
"Just give me a chance!" he begged.
"Nope, sorry. Super super bad idea."
"Why?" The brony got on his knees and looked up into her big blue eyes.
"Well, for one, you couldn't beat up a butterfly."
He looked sadly at his mosquito-bite biceps.
"And second, have I mentioned Twilight? She's going crazy with worry because she's afraid 'Past Sins' is coming! FLUTTERSHY couldn't calm her down, let alone you!"
"Give me a chance, Pinkie Pie! What's the worst that could happen? And besides, I'm a lot tougher than you think." He proved his point by picking a pencil off his desk and trying to break it in two. He failed miserably.
Pinkie raised an eyebrow as he struggled to break the pencil.
"Yeah. I can see where this is going." Pinkie was about to dive back into the closet and go back through whatever kind of portal she had found in there when the brony grabbed her tail. "I'm coming with you, and you can't stop me!"
A pink glimmering hole about the size of a window appeared in the closet. Pinkie dove through, with the brony still clutching her tail. "Let go! You can't go to Equestria!"
"I must!" he screamed. "I must live out my fanfic! It must become reality!"
"You're delusional!" Pinkie shouted back.
They went through the portal, and the the hole leading to the Human World disappeared. All around them it was black. There was no sound, no smell, and for a split second, it seemed like there was no air. A moment later another hold opened up, and the brony could see the land of Equestria.
The hole spat them out and disappeared immediately. Pinkie and the brony sat in the dirt.
The brony was about to say something to Pinkie when he realized something was wrong. He couldn't breath.
He began to choke and sputter, wondering why he couldn't inhale.
"Silly human," Pinkie giggled. "I tried to warn you. There's no oxygen in Equestria! Ponies in this universe don't need it to breath!"
A minute or two later, the human lay still. Pinkie pulled a walkie-talkie out of her non-existent pocket. "This is Pinkie Pie to Princess Celestia. He bought the whole thing!" the mare burst into laughter. "He actually believed we think the fanfics are true!" She snorted. "Humans are so dumb. Anyway, mission accomplished. One bad fanfic down, seventy-billion to go. I'll keep you updated. Pinkie out."
The pony trotted off, wondering which stupid writer would be her next victim.
