The Incredible Gary Stu's Magnificent Adventure

by Pumpkinonimous

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Anthro
Length: 1881

This is a farsical parody of every Mary Sue/Gary Stu story ever written!

Mary Sue, Gary Stu… With amazing superpowers they're absolutely perfect in every way, racing around the countryside rescuing everypony who normally doesn't need rescuing. This is NOT a trollfic. It's extreme absurdist comedy, like Monty Python on steroids, PCP and psych meds!
For anyone who would like to hear a Youtube reading of this story you can find that here:
https://youtu.be/P13fDBtqCoo
(Note: To skip my comments and get straight to the reading skip ahead to 0:52)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-18 18:10:02 UTC

Into Yonder Canterlot!

With a face as handsome as Superman’s and a body like that of the Incredible Hulk, dressed in adventurer’s garb like Indiana Jones and riding a custom built Harley Davidson roadster with a seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, The Incredible Gary Stu roared out of the hills and into Canterlot! Yes! He had no flaws or faults of any kind! His hair was perfect!

Dismounting from his custom built Harley Davidson roadster with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, he stood, legs akimbo, hands on hips and heroically surveyed his surroundings.

“Have no fear! The Incredible Gary Stu is here!”, he announced loudly with greater smugness than anyone thought could be possible from anything living or dead!

Several fillies standing near him swooned loudly and fainted. Several others bit their lips as they experienced spontaneous climaxes just from looking at him!

Just then, screams in the distance! Coming from the town!

“Help! Help!”, some mare screamed. From the distance. In the town.

“Hark!”, said The Incredible Gary Stu, cocking a hand to his ear dramatically and leaning toward the shout for help, “A fair maiden in distress! Forgive me, fair ponies, but I most go forth and save yon fair filly maiden!”

Leaping upon his custom built Harley Davidson roadster with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, he touched the kick starter with his baby toe and it instantly roared to life with a roaring roar like a thousand jet fighters! He revved the engine! Ponies standing behind the eight gleaming and enormous exhaust pipes were blown into the next county.

Several more mares swooned, climaxed and fainted as he sped away breaking every imaginable speed and driver safety law. Did anyone notice? No! Of course not! He was The Incredible Gary Stu! Nobody noticed things like that, even when it involved private property damage.

A moment later, The Incredible Gary Stu, roaring into the town center on his custom built Harley Davidson roadster with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, screeched to a stop before the Mane Six who were struggling to overcome a Bug Bear, an Ursa and some creepy looking worm thing all at the same time. Leaping from his Custom Built Harley Davidson with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, he stood with his legs akimbo, hands on hips, a heroic look on his face.

“Help us, Incredible Gary Stu! Help us!” cried Twilight Sparkle, who was wrapped in the Creepy Worm Thing, strangling her like a boa constrictor. While the Bug Bear was bitch slapping her, the Ursa stood in the background laughing its ass off.

“I, The Incredible Gary Stu, will save you, fair fillies and princess!”, he shouted heroically.

Two dozen nearby mares and fillies were fapping madly.

Leaping into the fray The Incredible Gary Stu grabbed the tail of the Creepy Worm Thing. He pulled it like a string. Twilight Sparkle spun like a top, whirred like a dreidel and bounced  off of several near by posts until she came to a stop a half block away.

“Thank you, Incredible Gary Stu! Thank you!”, she said woozily as she grabbed her head, dizzy but otherwise fine. Except for her violent projectile vomiting.

The Incredible Gary Stu then walked up to the Bug Bear, tapped its shin with the toe of his magnificent leather riding boot. It screamed in pain, hopping about on one foot.

By this time the Ursa was rolling on the ground pissing himself from laughing so hard.

Grabbing the Bug Bear by its big toe, The Incredible Gary Stu then ripped it from the ground, spun it like a discus and threw it! It flew away so fast its fur burst into flames from friction.

“Curse you, Incredible Gary Stu! Curse you!”, it screamed as it instantly disappeared into the Great Northern Mountains.

Later reports say that it landed in the middle of a wedding party somewhere in Yakistan. The wedding guests didn’t seem to mind since he put on a pretty good stand-up routine so nopony complained about the stink of his smoldering fur or that he’d literally crashed their party.

With the Creepy Worm Thing and the Bug Bear dealt with, all that was left the Ursa.

Feeling a little tired after his epic battle, The Incredible Gary Stu simply walked up to the creature, grabbed it’s ear, whispered, “go home.”

A sudden look of terror swept across the Ursas face  leapt  to its feet and fled back into the Everfree Forest, never to be seen again!

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, Incredible Gary Stu!”, said the rest of the Mane Six and Twilight, when she could finally quit barfing and walk again, “You saved us!”

Once again The Incredible Gary Stu struck a heroic pose, a heroic expression on his heroic face.

“All in a day’s work, fair mares and fillies!”, he grinned. A glint of sunlight sparkled off his gold tooth.

Just then Princess Celestia herself ran, sweating, palpitating, drooling,  panting and gasping, up to The Incredible Gary Stu, leaping into his arms.

“Oh, take me, Incredible Gary Stu! Take me! I must have you! Now! This instant!”, she drooled breathlessly as she put her hoof down his pants began and biting his neck and licking his face.

“Please fair princess!”, he smiled, pulling her hoof from his trousers, “Contain your passions! I may be a hero but I have my modesty!”

Setting her gently down on the ground, he pulled a notebook and pen from his ass, scribbled on it, handed the sheet to Celestia.

“My number, fair maiden! Don’t call before midnight”, he whispered.

“Oh, thank you! Thank you!”, squealed the delighted Supreme Ruler of Equestria as she happily skipped off down the street toward The Incredible Gary Stu’s magnificent, palatial mansion. Would she stand in line with the rest? No way! She was the Supreme Ruler of Equestria! You know she’ll cut!

Just then dozens of fillies and mares and a few of the more effeminate stallions pressed in on him just hoping to get one touch of The Magnificent Gary Stu!

“Hold on, everypony!”, he smiled, holding his hands up, “There’s plenty of Incredible Gary Stu to go around! Make a line, single file and you can then touch The Incredible Gary Stu! Nothing below the belt.” Again, he struck his heroic pose.

Hundreds of mares and fillies who had gathered in the town square just to get a glimpse of The Incredible Gary Stu swooned and fainted!

Many had already done this earlier in the day. Did The Incredible Gary Stu even notice?

Several thousand touches and an equal number of spontaneous climaxes and orgasms later, the line finally dwindled to but a very few stragglers who, by this time, were too tired, hungry and sun struck to remain any longer. Disappointed they stumbled off for home, hoping that tomorrow they could get just a touch of The Incredible Gary Stu.

Meanwhile, several hundred white uniformed stallions and mares, who had been sent by the Department of Public Works, were busily mopping up the enormous river of spooge that had flooded the street, throwing it by the bucket full into nearby gigantic dumpsters that had been brought in just for that purpose!

Did all that standing and being touched for hours on end bother The Incredible Gary Stu? Of course not! He was The Incredible Gary Stu! The greatest hero of Equestria! The hero that everyone loved and adored! Things like this never bothered him! After all, he was perfect in every way and everyone knew it!

Just then a shout was heard at the edge of the town square!

“Yowzah!”, shouted Princess Luna as she galloped toward The Incredible Gary Stu, an ecstatic smile on her face.

Prancing up to him, she then whipped around, lifted her tail and looking back at him over her shoulder wiggled her luscious bottom at him,.

“Feel like going for a walk on the moon?”, she cooed, winking at him.

He sighed and, sounding rather bored, “The Incredible Gary Stu is tired after a long day of heroing so, perhaps another time fair Princess.”

Luna pouted, disappointed. Then she frowned, then she scowled, her face growing black with anger.

Accompanied by pops and wet, gurgling sounds, Luna suddenly transformed into the horrifying Nightmare Moon!

“I shall have you!”, she screamed in a screaming, cackling screaming laugh!

An instant later huge, enormous, gigantic magic shot from her horn engulfing The Incredible Gary Stu, lifting him off the ground, binding and trapping him.

Turning, she prepared to haul away her catch of the day, her blue plate special when, laughing, The Incredible Gary Stu threw his arms out to his sides and, with a flick of his baby finger, shattered the Night Goddess’ magic like glass.

He floated to the ground like a butterfly. A magnificent butterfly. The most magnificent butterfly that ever was! For he was The Incredible Gary Stu! He could be nothing else!

She turned, and stared at him, turning and staring.

“Woah!”, Nightmare Moon shouted, gasping in surprised shock, “you, like, busted my magic!”

With a smile on his face, he stepped up to a now staring Nightmare Moon, gently took her face in his hands, kissed the end of her nose and said, “You’re beautiful when you’re angry!”

Instantly, she reverted back to Luna, had six hundred spontaneous, simultaneous farting climaxes, swooned and fainted!

Reaching down, The Incredible Gary Stu gently patted the now unconscious Luna on the head and smiled. “Have a nice nap”, he said, smiling.

Just then he turned and leaped heroically upon his Custom Built Harley Davidson Roadster with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine,  followed by one point two million adoring ponies of all ages and at least six sexual preferences. Revving the enormous engine, he did a magnificent half donut in the street, the enormous back tire digging a three foot wide by three foot deep circular groove in the pavement, burying everyone in a combination of dirt and spooge! They didn't care! After all, He! Was! The! Incredible! Gary! Stu!

Silhouetted against Equestria’s magnificent setting sun he rode heroically toward his magnificent palatial mansion.

But, no! This was not the end of his adventure! Suddenly, from the Royal Palace came a loud, clanging alarm! Clang! Clang! Clang it rang, clanging!

Pulling another amazing and incredible half-donut (and drenching everyone with spooge and mud again (they really didn’t care) The Incredible Gary Stu raced off toward Celestia's Palace on his Custom Built Harley Davidson Roadster with the seven thousand horse power V-8 engine, ready to rescue whoever was sounding the alarm...

...

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! buzzed the alarm clock. Drayfus Dinklemeyer Goatswapper winced, ran a hoof through his graying bright green mane and sighed. Reaching over he slapped the alarm clock with his hoof and dragged his scrawny, middle aged body from beneath the covers and shuffled into the bathroom.

Yes, once again Drayfus Dinklemeyer Goatswapper would waste another day at the office, filing endless and meaningless accounts aged forms. Another day wasted as nothing more than an unappreciated, virtually invisible Public Accountant.

He smiled. Tonight! Yes, tonight he would return to his dreams and become, once again, the Incredible Gary Stu, the Greatest Hero In Equestria!