Hello, my name is Chili and yes here I am on the floor of a shower stall in a mare's locker room, but the death that awaits me isn't so grim after all how many can claim they have been through and seen what I have?! So I'll tell you how I ended up here in this stall. It was the first day of the Wonderbolts open tryouts...
Flashback
A ladle...that's where I was born. The last ladle of chili poured into a bowl in the Wonderbolts' cafeteria. A bowl that belonged to a two faced chili fiend named Lightning Streak from Squad Three who complains about gas all morning long only to eat my siblings, beans and all, at noon and five in the evening. One of my late sisters had a terrible experience with him, one lunch time about six months ago or so when Lightning Streak tried to hit on a rainbow maned mare who sat between him and his uptight older twin brother Fire Streak. I've heard that Pegasi made rainbows but my sister (or what remains of her) insisted that the mare this dullard attempted to flirt with actually had a rainbow mane. I've heard tell from my entire family that among the three tribes it was rare for any pony to be born with no more than three different colors in their mane and tail which might match their coat, eyes, and maybe cutie mark, while a pony (mare or stallion) that had a mane and tail in all six basic colors was virtually unheard of! The stallion that scores a mare like that should count himself very blessed...but I got off topic.
Now where was I...oh yes! In any case she shoved his head face first into my sister with her right cerulean wing where he began to blow bubbles. The dullard's uptight brother witnessed the whole thing and could barely hold back his laughter, then again I could completely sympthize with Fire Streak as I've had to contend with my own fair share of 'questionably-related' siblings. Another one of the twins 'lady wings' named Surprise appeared after she ate her way through thirteen bowls of soup, talked about something random to them before having a brief conversation with someone nopony but her could see or hear; then again none of us know exactly what goes on in her mind! When questioned by the rainbow mare as to who she was talking to Surprise denied the whole thing even happened and loudly declared that she needed more soup; one didn't need to be a super genius to predict that Surprise would suffer quite the case of the runs later. When Surprise made this declaration she threw her tray, laden with thirteen empty soup bowls, into the air as she darted back to the soup line! To this day none of us know how she does it but they all landed neatly on the tray without even a crack or chip! Either those bowels are made out of some strong material or just Surprise being…well...Surprise. Finally Fire Streak ask the rainbow maned mare to pulled Lightning Streak’s face out of the bowl before he started to inhale chili only for him to say something that she found offensive and shoved him into my sister’s face again much to my sister’s dismay.
In any case I got a glimpse of the mare in question in passing earlier at lunch; dearest sister Chili you were right her mane does bear the six colors of the rainbow in all its glory. I would like nothing more than to get to know her better but fate has never been kind to us Chili or food products in general. Sitting in a bowl in a small room off the main cafeteria waiting for Lightning Streak to consume and flagellate loudly later. All right who in the world would dare speak such vulgar language this loudly outside the naval docks?! Oh it’s her, the captain's look-a-like, her younger half-sister Blaze; seriously their mother, Stormy Flare, thought her first husband wasn't good enough for her three years after Spitfire or something?!
The duo look so much alike that if Spitfire's mane and tail didn't transition from orange to yellow halfway to the hair roots the two would've been mistaken for identical twins, even more than the Streak twins! Talk about an ultimately terrifying Nightmare Night prank! They look so much alike in appearance that Blaze actually has been mistaken for Spitfire despite Spitfire being the eldest by three years and has a much better developed vocabulary. But I digress as it appears that the captain and her most trusted commander Soarin have managed to find some special someponies. Apparently Spitfire and Wave Chill (subordinate to that cold pole Silver Lining in Squad Two) are seeing each other regularly but the mate bond between them has yet to be made it seems and being goaded by this vulgar mare isn't going to make it come any sooner.
Oh! I did count myself lucky to hear that Soarin has already made the leap and forged a strong mate bond with the rainbow maned mare I saw earlier. Apparently her name is Rainbow Dash an apt name for her. After what Soarin has suffered through, it would be a curse of ill fate for him not be given such a gift. A rare colored mare as herself and a stallion like him...I may be only chili but they have my blessing regardless.
As I await my predestined fate in the twisted bowels of Lightning Streak a great deal of noise reaches me and before I can comprehend what's happened I suddenly find myself face-to-face with Blaze. It's not too hard to figure out what had just occurred: Blaze was provoked into a one-sided fight by that happy-go-lucky-torment-everypony-especially-Rivet-just-because-I-feel-like-it-privacy-violating-mare called Fleetfoot again! *sigh*
I had not expected to go on a flight that day, I can assure you of that! The next thing I know I'm coating the muscular bodies of the two mares as they continue to fight. My distant cousins Jello, the Pudding family, and Mud (my very distant cousin) remarked that males often showed a great interest in female fighters being coated and so I did obliged these stallions and allowed myself to be spread by the two mares all over their bodies as they fought making sure to define every interesting detail. The stallions' expressions coupled with the sight of their wings extended to their fullest as their...baggage quickly made themselves known as well while Fleetfoot sat riding-style on Blaze's back it was quite amusing; oh on a side note Blaze and Wave Chill’s squad mate, High Winds, was fast asleep, that pasta must've been really undercooked. If I wasn't chili I would've laughed myself silly as the stallions barely responded to their captain's orders to stop the fight when she returned with a glass of water, though Lightning Streak did say he didn't mind since he had a prime front row seat to the action.
“Argh! Stallions!” I heard Spitfire grunt out as Fleetfoot ordered Blaze to say uncle. I don’t know if they have one but Blaze’s rather heated response makes everyone in this room think otherwise. I wonder if the cadets in the main cafeteria can hear all this noise? But like all things good times never last and all too soon Captain Spitfire pulled Fleetfoot off her vulgar half-sister and orders them to clean themselves up before the next test. At times like this we Chili wish we weren't chili so we could see more of the world beyond the pot and bowl but alas it is our fate; a fate that we can never escape despite our wishes.
End flashback
And so here I am about to meet the end none of us (chili or otherwise) enjoy: A double date with a bucket of ammonia-mixed soapy water and a mop courtesy of the Wonderbolts’ Janitorial staff. So farewell good listener(s) and don't forget to ask my fellow food products to share their stories the next time you're in the Wonderbolts' cafeteria; after all just because we can't speak doesn't mean we don't have stories to tell.
Author's Note
Thanks to all who've commented on this story. I'm considering on adding another chapter...something having to do with Fleetfoot, a heat affected Spitfire, a Banana, a sausage, and perhaps Blaze with an egg muffin and jalapeños.