The Royal Equestrian Space Program

by Cadejo Jones

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Science Fiction, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 5920

Ponies try to go to space. This won't end well.

Our beloved hero, Princess Twilight Sparkle, has been given her most daunting challenge yet.

Put a pony on the moon. The "Non-Alicorn" way. Celestia's getting antsy about other nations getting there first, Luna wants Twilight to cover up some remnants of her "WOE IS ME I AM STUCK UP HERE" phase, and Cadence just wants to watch stuff blow up.

It's up to everypony's favorite Alicorn and friends to go where only a moody teen princess has gone before.

...This is going to get messy, isn't it?

Published 2016-04-25 04:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-25 04:10:02 UTC

Twilight and the Royal Equestrian Space Administration

As the dim lights slowly brought the contents of the room out of darkness, Twilight looked around in awe. She couldn't see the ceiling, and wasn't even sure where the walls were. There was at least one she could make out beyond the massive round table, with several large screens and maps looming silently in the shadows. The table itself was ebony or teak, or perhaps even onyx, and had at least twenty swivel chairs around it. A dark halo made of metal hung fifteen feet or so above the table, and cast the only light in the cavernous hall. The spots before each chair and somehow even the center of the table were illuminated so well one could have kept sunflowers under them, but beyond the edges of the obsidian disk only the light leaking in from the sterile hallway of bedrock and steel walkways.

"What...is this place?" She had a million questions, but only those words had the strength to make it out.

The other alicorns stood behind her. Princess Celestia had dark sunglasses, a brown case that rattled with every step, a set of highball glasses, and somehow had procured a bottle of Applejack and Big Macintosh's "Ancient Apple Family" Secret Reserve Cider. Cadence was carrying a small silver case and a manilla folder, labeled 'RESA-Director's briefing.' Luna had brought nothing, but what wearing a hoodie that had a Raponies logo on it, and smelled like...was it burnt skunk? Like Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie on the weekends, anyway. Come to think of it, weren't they always asking when 'Queen Moonbutt was going to come back and chill?'

"THIS...this was my pride and joy, Twilight," Said Celestia. "Years of work, changing contractors and companies, especially the table. I spent years designing this down to the seams of the seats, then hired diamond dogs to dig. Hell, they'd have paid us to do it. We told them they could keep the gems they found, if they did a good job. Next day we came back to find this all dug out, smooth as silk, as well as the foundations of the castle repaired, and three new fully stocked wine cellars."

"It's the War Room," said Luna, scratching lazily under a wing.

"It WAS the War Room, until Princess Friendship Twinkie here made peace with the damn Yaks and cleaned up the Griffons. Now it's our Mare-Cave. Come to do whatever the hell we feel like. Mostly poker."

Twilight had wondered why there was a card table on top of the obsidian disk that dominated the room. there were a couple folding chairs as well. someone had thrown down a couple of cheap rugs on the surface, and a trail of them led to a small stepladder at the edge.

Luna was still scratching at herself. Celestia scoffed at her. Twilight tried to comprehend why not going to war was a bad thing. Celestia climbed up on the table, shaking her head. "You need to ditch that thing Luna. The captain of the royal guard keeps asking to do drug tests on his regiments, and I'm tired of telling him not to worry about it. Besides, the Raponies suck."

"YOU SUCK!"

"Not for free."

"That's not what I've heard--"

"Oh, shove it, Cadence. Nopony wants to hear about how you've got a husband to go home to and bork every night."

Twilight steadied herself on a chair. It was too much to take in. Was this really what royalty acted like when they weren't in the public eye? She had always suspected that Celestia cut loose when on her own time, but this was something. Also, she really, really wanted some of that cider. AJ had held out on her, and she'd been thinking about inviting Big Macintosh over to convince him in other ways.

And she wanted to get the image of her brother and Cadence bumping uglies in the Crystal Empire's throne room out of her head as soon as possible.

" It's freezing down here. Anyways, it's got pockets. Brought some snacks this time."

"We are 500 metres under a mountain," Cadence said, taking her place at the card table across from Celestia. Luna sat with Cadence on her left, and Twilight took the remaining spot.

Celestia laughed. "Meters? METERS? That place is rubbing off on you, Cadence."

Luna joined in "--and lemme guess, you spell it M-E-T-R-E, and you drink milk in bags--"

"--and if you trip somepony, they apologize to YOU, right?"

The sisters laughed until they were crying, and Cadence shot Twilight a look that said Every damn time. If they weren't godesses, they'd be missing teeth.

As the giggles and sniffles petered out, an awkward silence settled in. Luna said, "Still, no pun intended, but they know how to rock up there. Good at hockey too."

Celestia was still wiping tears from her eyes, and smiling, "Yeah, and the food they come up with, Oh my gods. There's that hayfries thing with the cheese curds and gravy----"

"Ponytine. uuuughghgh soooo goooood. And Crystalberry Syrup---"

Both of them stopped, and looked at Cadence like puppies at the sound of a squeaky toy. She groaned, and leaned her cheek on a hoof.

"Three drums of it upstairs. Hundred gallons each. Now you can put something besides rum in your morning coffee."

"Excuse you, I only put the finest whiskey---"

"Whatever." Cadence put the manilla envelope to the side, and pulled out the silver case. "We gonna play or what?"

So that's what that box is. Everypony produced a bag of bits from somewhere and bought in, with Celestia covering Twilight. Chips were distributed, drinks were poured and passed around, and cards shuffled.

Cadence pulled a large cigar out of the case in front of her, then offered the case around. Twilight caved when she saw everypony else had one, and figured it couldn't hurt. She took a sip of the Cider, and felt a pleasant shiver run down her side. Oh yeah. Never mind that she also wanted to see if the rumors were true about him--If Big Macintosh got her a bottle of this stuff he was going to have the best damn night of his life, and probably the next couple lives, too. Cadence struck a match from somewhere inside the case. Across the table, there was the flik-shik of a lighter being opened and struck on a leg, and Celestia floated her cigar over to be lit, too. Twilight chewed on the end of hers for a bit, but set it aside for later.

The game went on for quite some time, with the usual sort of banter filling the gaps--"I fold." "That bad, eh?" "Ohmygoshshesaid eh." "I heard it! I heard it!" "Bucking jerks," etc. etc.---until Twilight, pleasantly buzzed, made a little purple flame at the end of her horn, and held the cigar up to it. She took a long drag and another swig of the cider.

"Why did you bring me here?" She asked. Another puff of the cigar. It made her feel more alert. she let the gazes come to her and studied them instead of probing out with her own.

"Well, you've been an alicorn for what, decades now---?" Celestia was shuffling the cards again, with the stub of her cigar hanging off her lip.

"I don't even think it's been a year since I--"

Celestia ignored her. "Anyways, you're part of the club now. Figured it was time we brought you in. Showed you the ropes, this is how we do."

"So you just brought me here to watch you all cheat at cards?"

The other three froze, then caved all at once. Cadence didn't say anything, but shot her a glare that'd melt concrete. Luna started scolding Twilight Sparkle for being a sore loser, even though the little purple Alicorn had double the chips of anyone else. Celestia started accusing anything that moved.

Cadence rolled her eyes. "Calm down. Luna's got cards up her sleeve. We all know it."

"That's pretty rich, coming from you," said Twilight. Cadence tried to mount a defense but Twilight pulled the rug out from under her. "You've been switching in better cards this whole game, from your mane, or your cigar case, or wherever, and switching back the worse cards on the occasional deal so no one gets suspicious. Luna noticed it too, the same way she noticed that Celestia's shades are too reflective, and has been watching Celestia's hand the whole game."

The Sun Princess pulled off the shades, and turned them around. Her eyes grew wide--"oh BUCK, she's right!"--and threw them into the darkness like a dead rat.

Twilight didn't miss a beat. The more of the cigar she took in, the clearer everything in the room came into focus. "No, Luna cheated because she bought in with less money than the rest of us. I noticed quite a few fake coins among that bag of bits, and the fact it's a fair chunk lighter than the other bags is a dead giveaway. If she won, nopony would know, and if she lost, she probably had a scheme to cover it up. Now, I'm sure that Luna noticed what was happening, seeing as she was watching Celestia's hoof as well. Our glorious leader is the only pony that dealt, and has been stacking the cards the whole game. I'm sure she wanted to chalk her clever betting up to centuries of 'diplomatic experience.' The only reason I knew how to get the upper hoof on Luna is because she licks her lip whenever she gets a good deal. I'm going to guess none of you ever read HorseHoyle's book of Pony Games. I was just going to clean you all out and let you continue to think you had the upper hand on everypony, and that I just had some serious beginner's luck, but you're lying about wanting to bring me in. I would have been in Canterlot next week, which you all probably knew, and could have brought me down here then."

The other mares at the table stared at Twilight, then each other, then at the table, then at each other again.

"See? Total nerd. Perfect mare for the job," said Celestia.

"I know. I married her brother," Cadence said, her face down on the table. She put her hooves on her head.

There was another pause, then Luna broke silence by pulling out a stick of something from her hoodie, taking a bite of it, and saying between bites, "We want you....to put a mare on the moon."

Twilight took her turn to be shocked.

"I know what you're thinking, but I don't mean like we did to miss night moves over there," said Celestia. "Space is the final frontier--"

"I don't think anyone's explored the ocean or--"

"THE FINAL FRONTIER, and Equestria should be the first to take a crack at it. Seems only fair. We cover sun and moon, so it's sort of our territory anyway. Here's the file we've put together for you, with everything you'll need. We recommend you get your friends from Ponyville to help you, and---yes, yes, I know, I spelled it wrong, but I didn't have time to retype it. Sweet ME, you're a nerd---if you have any questions after you're done reading it, feel free to have spike send us a scroll and---wait, are you done already?"

"Yes, and I think I only have one question." Twilight flipped back a couple pages, to make sure she had read it right. "Why Cape Canterval? Isn't that a swamp?"

Luna took another bite off of the stick. It smelled delicious, but something about it bothered Twilight. Luna waved the stick in her direction casually. "Beef jerky. Want some?"

"Beef? Isn't that made from cows? Isn't that CANNIB----"

"We picked it because it was a swamp. a great, big, wet, EMPTY swamp." she took another bite of the meatstick. "You're going to want a lot of space to test things. Now, why not the desert, you might ask? First off, between the rate Earth ponies are spreading out there and the amount the Buffaloes wanted for their land it wasn't worth it in the least. Second, like said, it's wet. Really wet. I crunched some basic numbers, and I think a rocket's the only feasible way to do it. Something like that comes down on fire, we don't want it lighting up half of equestria. The weather's not pegasi-controlled down there, but I couldn't believe that when I went out surveying. There's a couple other reasons in there, but I don't want to bore these non-intellectuals at the table with us."

"Buck off, egghead."

"You told me you didn't want to have do the legwork, Sunburn, so don't start giving me shit because you're too---"

"Mares, please." Cadence was sitting now with her hind legs crossed and up on the edge of the table. She had a fresh cigar in her mouth, unlit. "Not in front of our newest member. Wouldn't want her to get the wrong impression. Twily, hon, you need any more money while you're out there, whip up a proposal and I'll see to it the treasuries find the money somewhere." She was holding the cards she was cheating with, and as they burned up she used them to light her cigar. She blew smoke towards the lights overhead, and watched the trails slither up into the blackness above as she continued. "Now, since our dear Miss Sparkle has clearly played a better hoof than any of us, I suggest we give her the share that bought her in, and take back our own shares--actually, Luna, if you don't mind, I'd like to have my ponies take a look at those slugs you tried to pass off on us, they certainly fooled me--take our shares, as I said, forget about our...little slips, and play with the chips we have for bragging rights. We clear?"

Luna and Celestia stared at Cadence the whole time she spoke, both of them suddenly pale. Luna poured herself another glass of Cider without looking, and passed it to her sister, who took a long swig straight from the bottle and set down next to her. Neither of them broke eye contact with Cadence, out of what must have been fear. when she finished, they both weakly nodded, and pushed the bags of bits either to Cadence or Twilight.

Cadence broke into a happy smile, and sat up straight again. It was the Cadence that Twilight remembered as a filly, but there was something a little bit more terrifying about it now. "Wonderful! Wonderful! Gee, Twilight, caught us red hooved! Gosh, I feel so bad. Well, lesson learned. Anyway, how's Spike and the rest of the Ponyville gang these days?"

"Did you say you're in charge of both the Empire's and Equestria's treasuries?" The purple pony asked.

"Did I? I suppose I am. They found I was the best mare for the job. I wouldn't worry about it," Cadence replied with another smile.

"Aren't both of those positions supposed to---"

"I don't think so, sis. Like I said, it's nothing to worry about."

Twilight decided she didn't want to. Somepony cleared their throat, and the game started back up. Everypony was laughing and joking again, but for a second the whole room stopped when Cadence lost her smile and barked:

"But if it's all the same, let's have Twilight deal the cards."

The game was a blur from then on. At some point, they'd stopped bothering with glasses and started passing the bottle around. Twilight was feeling a bit dizzy, and asked Cadence for another cigar. For some reason, she felt like she could think faster, like talking was easier, that everything seemed just a tad bit sharper, every time she inhaled. It wasn't just counteracting the cider, either--she'd only had a sip or two before her first one, and she'd felt it then, too.

"Twilight, Dear?"

She looked up. Princess Celestia was smiling at her. Twilight decided she didn't want to see anypony else smile for a week.

"Yes, Princess Celestia?"

"Oh, my dear twilight, there's no need to be so formal, honey. I just remember that a young mare I met the other day had a frenchpit--a fresh prince- a friendshita afriendshinea FRIENDSHIP problem that I wanted to talk to you about." She tried to nod subtly toward the darkness beyond the edge of the table. All she ended up doing was flinging her tiara onto one of the leather chairs at the edge of the monolithic disk. "In confidence of course. Respect that pony's privacy."

Twilight sighed, and got up from the table. Nothing was going to surprise her at this point. So long as Celestia did try to make a move on her. Actually--she grabbed the bottle from the table, took a heavy swig, and put it back--sure, why not. Let her. At this point all that mattered was getting some more cigars from Cadence before she left for Ponyville.

As Twilight stood out of earshot of the table, Celestia staggered over trying to look casual, having trouble putting her tiara back on. "HAHAHA YES THE POOR THINGlistenTwilightSparkleIwantobeclearonsomething."

Celestia was still swaying, and her eyes were still bleary, but they focused as best they could on Twilight's muzzle.

"I was the one who picked you for thishish job, okay? That was me." --she tapped a hoof to her chest--"I picked you. You know why? My sister and I run a kingdom, and it's rough. Cadence too, and honestly I think she'd half-flank the whole thing, ifyoumeanwhatIknow...wow, give AJ and Biggy M my complements, I don't know how Cadence got that bottle. I have a couple conch- a couple hunches. Any of them been hurt on the farm lately? Wait, that's not important. This is. Focus, Tia, focus! Anyways, technically we beat anyone else to the moon, or at least Luna did, because I'm a trible terrible sister, and and I still feel bad--whoa." she sat down on the floor, and after a moment of swaying, slapped her self across the face with a hoof so hard Twilight winced. "OOHthat smarts. but better. Like I said, she was there first, but it's not like we have anything to prove it. No--I know--but we didn't put up a plaque or anything. I hear the Zebras were doing some initial tests, and The heavens only know what the dragons are up to, and I don't want to get scooped on this. We're the best damn bunch of sentient beings in the world, and we don't want anypony getting any funny ideas. I trust you sooo much, Twi, like sooooooo much, and I know you'll get this done and look kick-ass while doing it. Do you think you can handle it? My bestestest student ever?"

Twilight was touched, even if the overwhelming smell of Cider Whiskey and bad breath was making her want to puke. She took a long pull of the cigar, and blew it out her nose. "Sure, for Princess and Country and all that. You got it, Princess Celestia."

"Yessss there's the best little Alicorn I know." She patted Twilight Sparkle on the head, drunkenly hard enough that the poor mare saw stars for a minute. "You know, *hic* you're like the sister I never had there, Sparklebutt."

"You have a sister. She's sitting over there. You banished her to the damn moon."

"Yeah, I did." She frowned. "But the two of us never really clicked, ya know? but the two of us--" she flicked a hoof back and forth between them in a sloppy line "--the one of me and four of you, stop moving so much, the two of us are so alike am I right?"

"Sure, I guess."

"And you know, you are a good looking mare. You don't have a coltfriend, do you? All purple, and those gorgeous wings..."

Nope. She was wrong. She was so very very wrong. Twilight was not okay with this at all. Nopenopenopenope.

"Such a good friend..." Celestia leaned in for a kiss.

Twilight was screaming internally at the top of her lungs, but somehow managed to keep the terror and disgust off of her face. She put a forceful hoof to Celestia's muzzle and said, "Shouldn't we be getting back to the game? Before anypony gets suspicious?"

"OH...oh, yes of course. WELL THAT WAS VERY HELPFUL TWILIGHT, NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY. WOW, WHAT A GREAT PRINCESS YOU ARE."

Twilight had to help Celestia back up the stepladder to the game. When they got back to the table, Celestia went straight for the mostly empty bottle, but Luna pulled it away. She reached into the pouch of her hoodie and pulled out a bottle of hooferade and put it in front of her sister.

"Nope. You're done. Drink that whole thing, and maybe we'll let you have some more."

"I don't wanna."

"Celly, remember last time?"

"Yeaaaaah...."

"No more until you have some normal fluids first."

"Fiiiiiine." The Alicorn tried several times to sit in her chair, then finally gave up, kicked it as hard as she could and collapsed in a heap. The chair went careening, and Twilight tensed as it fell towards the big table, but a magic aura caught it, folded it, and set it quietly on one of the big black chairs around the edge of the tabernacle.

"She spent a month, a damn month, trying to decide what it should be made out of. I don't want to hear her ranting about it being scuffed," Luna said calmly. Twilight suddenly realized that the mare across from her hadn't had a single drink in hours.

"Is she going to be alright?" Twilight asked.

Cadence gave a p'shaw. "She'll be fine. Did she try to make out with you?"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"I'll take that as a yes. Have the hooferade. Princess sunshine over there won't be up for a couple of hours at least."

Twilight downed the entire plastic bottle, relit her cigar, and took a couple exasperated drags.

Luna looked at Twilight for a moment, then at the other mare, and said, "Cadence, could you keep an eye on her for a moment?"

Cadence was holding up the bottle of Cider, looking at the smoky liquid in the light. "Sure, whatever." She downed what was left, and picked up one of the fakes from Luna's bag. She tossed it from one hoof to another, then laid it flat on the table, and looked closely at it.

The two Alicorns wandered out into the darkness of the room. Luna's hoof knocked something. they looked down to see the mirrored shades from earlier that day. Luna absentmindedly kicked them further into the gloom and turned to Twilight.

"Twilight Sparkle, I want to be clear on something. I personally picked you for this assignment."

Uh-oh. This sounds familiar.

Luna also had a cigar, and they smoked for a bit before she broke the silence. "Listen, I love my sister beyond words, but the only reason she's doing this is because she wants Equestria to look good. SHE wants to look good. Cadence is only in it for the money, but after what you saw tonight, I doubt that surprises you. Ever since I came back, and Cadence made the scene, and especially since you hit apotheosis, Celly's been--letting go I guess. I mean, I don't blame her. She ran the show for a millennium, pretty much alone, but she's trying to make up for lost time and still be a figurehead. She wants to be everypony's friend, she wants to party like she's still in school, and I mean---you saw all this, right? This room? She feels like she's losing her touch, and she's fighting it every minute. It's going to catch up with her, and I'm already spending a lot of downtime playing foalsitter for her. Especially with what happened in Ponyville last week with my dreams, I feel bad. I hurt her a lot, and a lot of you too. I'm forgiving myself thanks to you six, but it hurts, and I'm not going to get there overnight."

They were far enough out from the table that the only light came from the two smoldering cigars. Twilight swore she saw a couple tears in the dark mare's eyes. An annoyed hoof eventually came up and wiped them away, and she continued.

"Anyways, that's what's got me occupied. I think I could run it myself, but...Hell, there's no other way to put it. You're far, far smarter than I am. Celly wants glory, your In-Law wants bits, but I'm in this for ponykind. Any good living thing, really---I'm not picky. I want to see us be the best we can be, I want this to be for the betterment of everyone. The next step is going up there, kid. and look at you. Look at you. Sis has a good eye for talent, but with you, she insisted from the outset, there was something else. Goodness. I'm an astronomer, not a poet, but you know what I mean. Deep down, you're always trying to do the right thing. I don't think there's been a pony like you since Starswirl. I wouldn't rather any one else be on this."

It was Twilight's turn to cry. Maybe it was the booze, or just the constant assault on everything she thought she knew about how the world works over the course of the night, or maybe even just the quiet, honest way the words had been delivered, but they moved her to the core.

"Oh, now I've done it. This was all a bit much, wasn't it?" Twilight nodded, smiling a little through her tears. Luna sat next to her, and gave her a short hug. "I mean it though. I have the utmost trust in you. I don't want to make it sound like all that was just to butter you up---it wasn't--but I have to ask you a favor as well. Nothing big, just---"

"It's fine," Twilight whispered shakily. "I know you meant what you said. I'll do what I can. Ask away."

"If you get somepony to the moon---and if it's possible, you'll be the one to do it---but when you get up there, um...how to put it? I need you to...tidy a couple things up. Have anypony who's up there cleared through me first."

Twilight looked up at her. "What do you mean?"

Luna laughed nervously. "We were still pretty young when I found myself up there, and...well, you have a brother, did you two ever fight a lot?"

"Not really. Maybe a couple of times....oh, I think I see where this is going."

"Yeah," The taller Alicorn inhaled sharply. "I was young, I was totally mad, in both senses of the word. I may have made some stuff, smashed some statues, wrote some stuff in 80-foot letters...Sakes alive, I was moody little brat, wasn't I? I mean, it's not like that version of me thought I was going to clean up or anything. It's nothing too bad that I remember, but all the same..."

Twilight giggled a little. "I understand. I probably would have done some of the same. I'll make sure to write it in the plan somewhere discrete. No need to worry about it."

It felt weird, but comfortable, for the two them to be this honest. The two shared another hug, then both looked up. Some strange noise had begun to echo throughout the hall.

"You two done playing shadow puppets out there? The loud one is snoring." Cadence's voice echoed all around them. This place had to be bigger than Twilight thought, which was saying something.

When they got back to the table, Luna walked over to her sister, and lifted her up with magic. The two other mares moved to help her, but she shooed them away.

"I've got her---Hnnnnghholyshit---she's put on a few pounds, but I'll get her taken care of. If you two could just clean up a little, and turn off the lights when you go---"

As Twilight and Cadence climbed down from the table, carrying the box of cards and chips, and the cigar butts in the empty hooferade bottle, Twilight took a last puff and dropped the stub in with others. The two of them stood at the door, looking back at the table on a table, alone in the blackness.

"So Twilight, I had something I wanted to say---"

Twilight rolled her eyes. come ON. "Lemme guess, you were the one who picked me for this job, because we're like family--well, we are family now, aren't we? and you're just trying to make sure that the money's not in the hands of a madmare or a reformed villain. It's a matter of protecting your investment, right? uuuuuuuugh. I want to go to bed."

"The buck are you talking about?"

"What?"

"I was just going to say, Shining and I--well, he doesn't know yet, but I know him pretty well, you could say, and he will--we would like to ask for box seats for any launches or testing you do. Crystal Empire's gotten safe, which means boring. It'd be a nice change of pace to watch something exciting, especially if they blow up. The rockets, not the Empire."

"Oh...okay, that's reasonable. If..."

"If?"

"If you can get me a couple boxes of those cigars."

"Deal. Never took you for the smoking type, but hey. Also, you should put some money into rock polish. Trust me on this. It's the new Crystal Pony trend, and I pulled a couple strings so that supplies will be short in a month or so."

"Isn't that...insider trading? and Illegal?"

Cadence shrugged. "Meh. Anyways, you could use the money for whatever you want. Side fund for the rocket stuff, get some nice furniture for that new castle of yours, you could spend it on spike or if you've got a special somepony that---"

Twilight sighed. "good night Cadence. If I'm not up by the time you leave, tell my brother I said hi."

"Okay, okay..." The pink mare walked out into the hall, and her hoof beats echoed off the tight bedrock walls and steel grating underhoof. "I'm just saying it's easy money, and---"

"GOOD NIGHT, Cadence."

"Yeah yeah. switch is on the right of the door. just make sure it latches, otherwise Sunbutt gets moody." The steps echoed softer and softer.

Twilight stared back at the crappy little setup on top of the looming dais. War room. Celestia really wanted something exciting and new, something that hadn't happened before. So did Luna and Cadence. Heck, even she wanted it, she thought as she yawned. She stretched her wings out a bit, and they rustled back into place. She stared at the room some more, then reached over and flicked the switch. The lights dropped off immediately. The room became a gaping maw of void. Some faint traces of the hanging lamps in the hall found the table. Only a few made it back to Twilight's eyes. It crouched in the dark like a tiger, ready to leap out and drag her into the deep.

She shut the door hard, and didn't leave until the last echoes faded.

When Spike walked in the next morning (it was 2 pm), and started stomping about (he was tiptoe-ing as quietly as he could), Twilight nearly threw him through a window.

"Stop being solkejoaijfoaaihjeflearele early get me toast."

"Twilight, are you all right?"

"Hngdover."

"What?"

"Hangover."

"What? Twilight, are you okay? You look pretty sick."

"Yessss. Yes, Spike, Twily's sick, and it's a sick adult ponies get, and it's a sickness where they need you to get them a huge plate of eggs and toast and eggs and toast and hayfries and eggs, and they need you to get it now."

Spike didn't need to be asked twice. As Twilight sat in bed, mane all disheveled and eyes bloodshot, shoveling hooffuls of breakfast in her mouth, not even bothering with magic (headache wayyy too bad for that), Spike took a chance and attempted to start a conversation.

"So, um, how'd last night go? What happened?"

Twilight put the plate up to her face, and slid the last of it into her mouth. "mmm that'sh good. mgrmphm. Well, *gulp* I have definitely been accepted as a Princess, if I wasn't before."

She set the plate down, drank the whole pot of coffee the dragon had brought in one gulp, placed it aside. "I also learned that my mentor and hero is a Power-mad Party Pony in a midlife crisis, her sister is actually the most relatable mare I know, even if she is the pitch-perfect stereotype of every college professor I've ever met, and my brother is married to the reincarnation of Al-Motherbucking-Capony."

"That doesn't sound good." Spike cringed. He'd never heard his guardian swear like this. He didn't like it, and he didn't like the way she was grinding her teeth.

"Oh, and it's now my job to put a pony in space. IN SPACE."

Spike lit up. "Space? That's so Cool! That's great!"

"Sure. Great. Juuuust great." She flopped back down on the bed, rolled over, and put her head in the pillows. She screamed for a bit, sobbed once, and he could hear her moan whyyyyyyyyy me. She had this overwhelming feeling, and she thought that she understood now what Pinkie Pie went through when the 'Pinkie Sense' went off. Every nerve in her body told her that none of this would end well. She remembered her little companion still was there, and picked her head up for a second. "Listen, Spike, I'm sure it will all work out, and you're probably going to have a ton of fun, but...Right now, I just need some more rest."

"Um, it's two in the afternoon."

"Perfect. I can just sleep until tomorrow. Could you move my schedule back a day?"

"O-okay."

"Thank yoouuuu spppiiiikkkeeey," she called through the pillow as he walked towards the door. "Yeeerrrr the bessssst."

"Yeah Yeah." He stopped at the door. "Hey, um, Twilight?"

There was a muffled reply.

"What's a hangover?"

There wasn't a response at first, then from beneath the pillow came the dampened ring of hysterics. He knew that laugh, and never liked it. Twilight only laughed like that when she was just about of the point of snapping from stress. They lasted only a second, and then there was a couple giggles and a weary sigh.

"I'll tell you when you're older, okay?"

"Alright." He shut the door gently, and scurried off down the stairs.

Author's Note

19th July 2015
IT BEGINSSSSSS.

I'm working on a couple fics of a far more serious nature, and I just need something to take my mind off of things. Once the idea was there, I had to play this out in all its gruesome glory.

and yes, Twilight's Sister-in-Law and Brother rule over Horse Canada. Cadence was particularly inspired by my father's stories about the Canadian PM when he was growing up, Pierre Truedeau. I have no idea if they were accurate at all, but they fit what I needed from Cadence's character so perfectly I couldn't resist using them.

Next up:
No More Yielding But A Dream
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Horse Canada.