Smelly Farts Poopy Butt Horses
"Zyoop, zyoop," onomatopoeiad Noman's laser gun as he shot through rocks and crystals alike, absorbing the shattered pieces into himself as video game characters are wont to do. He was having a gay ol' time on this random planet out in the middle of nowhere, collecting all the atmospherium he could eat. Or perhaps not because atmospherium is rare and nonedible, like non nontoxic crayons.
He was in such a rush, he hadn't even noticed that something was rhythmically bashing him in the backside for several moments. Once he did, however, he turned and feasted his peepers on the perpetrator. It was a kid squid, and while it looked cute and non threatening, it was trying to bludgeon him with an over-sized paint roller.
"Stop that," he ordered nonchalantly as he checked his inventory via his magical inventory device, but she didn't stop. "I've already scanned you and sold the data to the Evil Galactic Council. You serve no further use."
As if to say to stay off her turf, the kid, the squid, the kid, the squid, the kid, the squid kept smacking him with its weapon, slathering him in bright ink. Now Noman was pissed. He was wearing a brand new space outfit, and he went from 0 to 10 faster than your wiener when you search for furry porn on Deviant Art, you lob slob.
"Choose a god and pray," he remarked as he turned his zappy gun on this new foe. One shot was all it took to turn the underage squid into a well-cooked, three-course meal, and he couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. "Blood for the Blood God," he said with a smile, not that anyone could see it since he was wearing a space suit.
Unfortunately for Noman, neither the old gods nor the new could help him as a sentinel had spotted his illegal activity. The kid squids were a protected species, and when you violate the law you violate me. And by "me" I mean "robots". The sentinel floated over on hover legs, fixing Noman with the meanest sneer a faceless robot can manage before giving its ultimatum in a synthesized British accent.
"Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"
Noman looked nonplussed as he's never been a plus before in his life, but he quickly pulled himself together, having literally been in multiple pieces this whole time. "Looks like I'm in a real pickle," he remarked to himself as he wormed his way out of the large pickle, only to be attacked by a bird that intended to feed him to its young. He shooed it away, and turned his attention to the sentinel.
He had to be careful when dealing with sentinels, as they were known to be quite the memesters and, as an organic creature, he could only take so many dank memes. "U fuckin' wot mVIII?" It asked aggressively, ready to bash his fuckin' 'ead in. "I'm gonna bash yer fuckin' 'ead in, I swear on me memes," it pontificated with thousand-year-old memes showing neither shame nor remorse. Truly this robot was a monster of the worst caliber.
"Look man, I've got a family to feed," Noman lied, having already fed his own family to a wood chipper. "I gotta blast."
The sentinel looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train, with its eyes. "Nah dawg," it explained calmly.
"Surely you can't be serious," Noman replied, not calmly at all.
"I am, and don't call me 'serious'," it finished with a wink of its robot eyelids.
"Then what should I call you?" he wondered, never having bothered to learn if sentinels have individual names.
"EVE," it explained, revealing to the audience that it was that white robot from Wall-E all along and missing a perfect chance to use another meme. "Now I'm gonna take you to the bank and cash your ass like grass, and by "bank" I mean "hell"," it stated, making its intentions clear.
"I don't really want to go to hell, though," Noman admitted. Unfortunately for him, this robot wasn't messing around.
"Lets get to bashing butts as well as deez nuts," it said while aggressively removing its pants. It was about at this point that Noman shot EVE in the face with his blasty gun, utterly destroying it/her. Not wanting to get attacked by even more robits, Noman did the only smart thing and hippity hopped into his neato space ship that was like 5 feet away the whole time. Then he blasted to the stars to buy candy bars, just a guy with a knack for exploration.
"Time to find a new planet to explore," he explained to the audience because that's what Noman is all about. It didn't take long to find a new destination on the map, and after a short, 3 minute flight he had arrived because his ship is super fast. Having explored thousands of planets he didn't even think twice before flying down to the surface and landing in the middle of a forest.
He jumped out of the cockpit of his ship with the grace of a swan and stretched with the grace of a swan, glad to be done with the long journey. "Welp, time to scan some shit and make loads of space dollars," he said with the grace of a swan.
As if by magic, or likely because it was magic, he shot a ping of super advanced scanning energon from his body in a ring, instantly getting all kinds of details about the surrounding plant life. According to his information, they were trees. He filed that information away for now, knowing it would be important later.
He would be sure to name every species he scanned later, but for now he was content to just run around scanning everything without a care in the world. That is, until he spotted a rare on the world map. "Oh wowzers, loot. Better tag it before someone else does," he cried, excitement oozing into his bloodstream via his excitement gland. He ran over to it, only to see a seemingly-normal human beating up a manticore. Thankfully, the human was alliance scum so Noman ganked that idiot and then blasted the manticore with his zappy gun easily killing it because this was a low-level zone.
After a brief victory dance, he skipped over to the corpse and looted it, luckily finding a blue item.
"Ah sweet," he said, "maybe this will boost my iLvl," he said naively as he used the item and killed himself.
The end....
Just kidding, he just respawned at his ship, all his scanning information gone because he hadn't saved it yet. "Welp, guess I'll go explore in the other direction." In case it wasn't obvious by how he talks to himself all the time, our protagonist is incredibly lonely. Such is the life of a space explorer.
10 seconds of walking later and he exited the forest into a huge clearing. "Oh look, a village full of tiny horses," he said, using his special eyes to easily see what any other writer would have taken 400+ words of boring, cliched exposition to figure out. He didn't even slow for a moment, walking towards the town, eager to scan the everloving fuck out of those horses. As he got closer and closer, the natives began to take notice of him, eyeing him with their basketball-sized eyeballs that protruded from their beach-ball-sized heads, held precariously atop what looked like structurally-unsound bodies.
Stepping into the town, the mini horses backed off, likely submitting to his superiority as a human. That is, until one flew right up to his face, speaking space English at him. "Hey, go away, this town is called Ponyville. Only ponies are allowed here."
He took a brief moment to examine the flying, alien mini horse, noting that it was a bunch of colors. Then he shot out scanning magic from his chest, gaining all the intimate details about it all at once.
"Hey, what's the big idea, pal?!" The horse yelled, raising a hoof up aggressively, as if to intimidate the MC. Like that would ever happen.
Noman didn't have a big idea, though, only a medium-sized one, and he had no intention of sharing it with this xeno scum. "I just scanned you with my space magic gaining all types of information about you and your species that I'm gonna send to the Evil Galactic Council I work for, but first I have to give your species a name."
"Oh, I'm Rainbow Dash, btw," she introduced, "also our species is named 'Ponies'."
Unfortunately, he'd already finished typing in and submitting a name for their species while she was talking. "Oh, I already named your species 'Smelly Farts Poopy Butts'," he explained with a shrug.
"But we're ponies," Rainbow Dash begged.
"I know that," replied Noman, "but it's out of my hands now. From now on your species is Smelly Farts Poopy Butts."
"Aw jeez," Rainbow Dash wasn't too happy about that, and she wasn't nearly smart enough to fix this problem herself. Then she got an idea. An awful idea. Rainbow Dash got a wonderful, awful idea. "Let's go see Twilight Sparkle at her tree library," which was still around because, despite writing over 40 MLP fanfictions the author/narrator has yet to watch past season 2, "surely she'll know what to do."
Noman spun his shoulders, shrugging spectacularly, not really caring what lay in the future as he's an immortal being of pure exploration. "Okay, what could possibly go wrong?" He wonder out loud while simultaneously foreskinshadowing.
Will Noman meet Twilight Sparkle in her tree building? Could something possibly go wrong? Are the ponies forever doomed to being Smelly Farts Poopy Butts?
Find out next time on Horse Sky Z!
Stinky Wiener Farts
All alone, and with a puff of steam, Twilight Sparkle disconnected her synthetic wings, letting them fall limply to the floor in her library house. That's right, they were fake all along. She just used them to trick the other ponies into making her a princess. It was all a clever ruse. A devious smirk stretched across her face and she couldn't help but cackle maniacally as she thought about how her scheme had payed off.
"No one could actually become a princess just by making friends, that's stupid," she explained to her books, each a vessel for the souls of her old enemies. "Now, I wonder what's for dinner."
Her legs twisted at her side, devoid of joints like the tentacles they are as they coiled into rough circles. Then, spinning the ligaments in her four shoulders she scooted across the floor, rolling her way into the kitchen. Impacting a chair and coming to an abrupt halt, she voiced her concerns to her young, dragon slave. "Me hungry, me hungry!"
Spike, her dragon slave who was currently young and tiny but would someday grow up and devour his cruel mistress, simply nodded his head, knowing better than to speak. He had already prepared dinner, knowing that Twilight Sparkle would be demanding it, and he brought it over to the table for her.
Twilight Sparkle's eyes lit up, the ball of uranium that composed her frontal lobe giving off a faint glow of excitement as she gazed at her next meal. "Fruit bats, my favorite!" she screeched as she began tearing the small, fruit mammals to shreds with her incisors.
It was at this point that Rainbow Dash burst her way through the kitchen window, shards of glass bouncing harmlessly from the ponies' padded exteriors. "We're Smelly Farts Poopy Butts Twilight and you need to fix it!" she explained.
"That explains everything," Twilight Sparkle replied as she nonchalantly levitated her wings from the other room and reattached them. "I knew something has smelled bad my whole life, and it turns out it was ponies all along."
That's when Noman decided to make his appearance, smashing through a nearby window and joining the two ponies in the kitchen. "Wow, a new species!" He quickly scanned Twilight, noting that she was a horned variant of pony.
"They're called 'alicorns'," Rainbow Dash explained, dredging up her vast pools of knowledge.
"Oh, oops," said Noman embarrassed. He'd already submitted his own name for them. "I thought 'Stinky Wiener Farts' would be a good name for them so I submitted that."
"Aw jeez," Rainbow Dash cried, bashing her face in with her horse fists and giving herself a black eye. Now she had one red eye and one black eye. Yikes!
"Who dares interrupt my dark feast?" Twilight wondered trying to send out her own magical scan only to have it disrupted by a scan from Noman.
"I'm Noman, don't scan me pls," he introduced himself.
"I'm the all powerful, Princess Twilight Sparkle," she humbly replied, letting him know right off that bat that she was in charge around here. "So what, pray tell, are you supposed to be? Some sort of giant, mutant leprechaun or something?"
Noman was quick to shake his head and wave his hands in a clear 'no' gesture. "No way man, not-uh. I can assure you with 100% certainty that I am, in fact, an ordinary human. Don't scan me."
"Oh, a human, okay," responded Twilight, quite aware of the species that was responsible for the near-extinction of most of the Everfree forest's wildlife.
"Fix it, Twilight!" butted in Rainbow Dash, who quickly spat into Twilight Sparkle's mouth to transfer information to her.
"I see," she said, smacking her lips. "So how much do I have to pay you to change the name of our species to, say, Twilight Sparkle's slaves, for example?"
Noman laughed, voiding his lungs of laugh gas as is normal. "I assure you, it's not a matter of money. It's simply impossible. Once the names are submitted they are final. Not even a hundred explorers could change them! Now I just have to get back to the terminal in my space ship and transfer the information to the Evil Galactic Council and everything will be complete."
"So, you say you haven't submitted it yet and you have an advanced space ship out in the woods? That's very interesting," she purred because ponies are part cat. "And what would happen if you were to, say, meet a tragic, horrible end out on an alien world like this one?"
Noman shrugged, "Well then my information wouldn't be submitted I suppose. That sure would suck. Then I wouldn't get paid for discovering these new species."
"Did you say, 'payed'? What kind of currency are you talking here?" Wondered Twilight, dollar signs in her eyes as her Jew blood began to boil. If one were to look closely, they'd spot the scales at the top of Twilight's neck, carefully covered in makeup.
"You know, the standard space currency; Space Dollars."
Then Twilight got an idea. An awful idea. Twilight Sparkle got a wonderful, awful idea. "Why don't you show me this space ship?" As she finished she erupted in laughter, evil schemes marching through her brain like an army of giant, radioactive rubber pants.
"Yeah alright," talked Noman, "what could possibly go wrong?"
To appease you know who, I'll start off this chapter with one perfect, 100% genuine joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana you glad I didn't make a joke about elephants?
(Your laughter and applause here)
Wow, that sure was funny. Even a humorless subhuman would have to acknowledge that! Now then, time to get down to business.
Applejack's animated corpse tilted forward at a perfect 42 degrees as the laser guidance system in her anus lined her up perfectly with a nearby tree. A tree that was about to be kicked. Then, with the grace of a swan, she struck out with all the precision and grace of a swan, hitting the tree with her hardened horse feet, destroying the tree outright in a fiery explosion because it wasn't an apple tree.
"All other trees must be purged," she rationalized her outrageous tree xenophobia, not even bothering to fake a Spanish accent because she was all alone at the moment.
That's when she heard the sound of talking coming up over a nearby hill with her oversize pony ears. She quickly trotted over to the source, eager to get some company that wasn't trees for the first time in weeks. She got up to them, finding that it was her good friends Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and that one human. "Hola amigos," she burped in the vilest taco-tongue in all of Ponyville. "My neeeples are so teeeender," teased Applejack knowing that Rainbow Dash had a problem with her bloody nips and was very sensitive about it.
However, it was Twilight, not Rainbow, that butted in. "This really isn't the time, Applejack. I'm about to make a lot of dollars- I mean we need to fix a problem."
Applejack tilted her head as if to ask 'what problem', when suddenly a pulse of magical scanning energon raced its way through her entire body. This prompted her to look over at the human, finally realizing he wasn't the same human that she normally saw beating up animals at the edge of the Everfree. "W-hat?" she wondered aloud while putting on a hat with a large, stylized 'W' on the top.
"I just scanned you," started Noman, "and it turns out you're yet another new species. I just finished naming you."
Twilight looked at him, anger stenciled on her normally-blank face, "you didn't."
"I thought the name 'icky-sicky fart beast' was appropriate," he said shyly with a blush.
"Aw jeez!" Rainbow Dash spewed, hitting herself in the eye that she didn't hit last chapter, giving herself a second black eye. Now she had two black eyes. She had 2 black eyes. That's as many as two ones. And that's terrible.
Twilight shrugged, not really seeing the problem. "I think that name describes Earth ponies quite nicely," she said, racistly.
Applejack was so mad, but even she had to admit that the name fit her pretty well. This conversation had only been going on for 8 minutes and she'd already farted 8 times. She'd farted eight times. That's as many as four twos. And that's terrible. It was a well-known fact that ponies of all species fart at least once a minute, but Earth ponies tend to fart slightly more, averaging an extra fart every half hour over other pony types. That's the magic of Earth ponies for you!
"So where are ya'll going?" Applejack wondered, her accent incredibly inconsistent because the writer/narrator can't be bothered to care.
"These two stinkin' ponies want to see my super cool space ship," explained Noman, flexing and showing off his guns. He had an assault riffler and a snipper riffler and a blasty gun.
"Wow, that's pretty swank, dawg," acknowledged Applejack. "I wanna come too, yo."
"Alright, I'll send you a party invite," said Noman. He didn't like sharing experience and loot, but it'd be a lot faster if she was affected by his crusader aura. He did, then she did, and they were all in a party and ready for adventure like the Dora the Explorer.
"Where's ya'll's ship anyhow?" wondered Applejack, referring to him in plural because she's an uneducated cretin who dropped out of school to kick trees.
Noman's eyes dilated, sweat dripping from his every pore like whipcream flowing like waterfalls onto my pizza (P.I.Z.Z.A), as he turned and fixed Applejack with outrage clearly visible on his helmet-covered face. "T-t-the Everfree Forest," he explained, stuttering because that's what Rainbow Dash had called it.
"T-t-the Everfree Forest?!" his three party ponies parroted punctually before being cut off as the writer/narrator got tired and decided to leave it hanging here until next chapter.
