For some people, it may have been the greatest day of their lives. For others, the worst. Some people on that day pulled their lives out of the ashes, stood up to the heavens and screamed, “I AM ME AND YOU WILL NOT BEAT ME.” For the small, intimate gathering in Ponyville, it was a Tuesday.
Twilight Sparkle was playing host to three of her most precious people. Seated around the room on various couches and chairs, wine and cider glasses in varying states of fullness, was Princess Celestia, her brother Shining Armor, and his wife Cadence. They had eaten a delicious meal, prepared personally by the Princess of Friendship herself… with assistance to ensure edibility. Now they were basking in each other’s company and swapping stories of what they’d been up to since the last time they met.
“... So then, just as she’s starting to panic that she’d murdered Twilight, I’m stalking up to her with my angry face on. I lean down towards her and whisper in her ear. ‘Gotcha.’ Twilight jumps up and we both paste her with a water balloon.” Celestia laughed, tipping back the dregs of her cider mug. “And that’s the story of how we taught Luna that summer should be spent outside, not inside plotting pranks on ponies.”
Shiny chuckled. “That’s pretty funny. I can’t believe she fell for it. However, it doesn’t top what happened to us last month…”
Cadence broke in with a sharp tone. “Don’t you dare tell that story Shiny!”
Shining Armor flattened his ears. “But it’s suuuuuch a good story! If I can’t tell it to my LSBFF and AILBFF, who can I tell it to?”
Cadence’s reply was flat. “I’d prefer no one. Ever.”
“But, but… this is a story that has to be shared!” Shiny declared.
“Shiii~nnnyy” Cadence’s voice took on a higher pitch.
“I promise to never tell it to our children?” He pleaded with wide eyes and trembling lips.
Cadence sighed. “Fine, if you must. But never again. This is the ONLY time you will ever tell this story. In return, our children NEVER hear of it and you never mention it again. I’ve already classified it as a state secret, now I’m going to require a Pinkie Promise out of you.”
“Ok, ok. So Cadence has a thing where she likes to wander through the Empire. Says it keeps her in contact with the people.”
Celestia nodded, “I do a similar thing myself. It’s a bad idea to become too distant from those you rule. Lately though, I’ve been sending Luna out instead. She needs the connections more than I do. I tend to be a bit more… occupied with other matters ”
Shiny nodded agreeably. “Right, so this day, we’d decided to wander the market. I’d heard of a new restaurant opening and thought we could try it for lunch. Marexican food, specializing in burritos. Mine was good, I just got a standard bean and cheese number, but Cadence got the house special. Bean, broccoli and peas in a cabbage wrap. She devoured it.”
Cadence interrupted, her cheeks coloring. “To be fair, it was the best burrito I’ve ever had.”
Shiny patted her on the shoulder. “Fair enough. They were good burritos. Afterwards we wandered the market for about an hour, stopping at the various stands, talking to ponies. She froze in the middle of the market. I heard a rumbling noise.”
“You did not!”
“I did too!" Shiny retorted. "It was like… a warning shot across the bow for what came next. Cadence, my dear, sweet, demure wife, farted. Not just a normal passing of gas though. This was epic. Had it come from me, she wouldn’t have spoken to me for a week. I honestly did not know she could make a noise that loud without dropping into the Royal Canterlot Voice.”
Cadence sniffed. “It wasn’t that loud.”
“It was soooo loud. I swear they had to have heard it in Yakyakistan. So I’m standing there next to her, her bottom having just growled like a manticore. She’s turning a LOVELY shade of red… kinda like she is now.” Shiny nudged his wife, who was currently pawing at the ground as if she meant to dig a hole she could crawl into.
“Pffft.” The first snicker came from Celestia, who straightened her face quickly then looked sternly at Shiny. “Bodily functions happen, no need to tease her about it.”
“That’s not the best part.” Shiny continued. “The best part came next. First this barking spider was huge, standing next to her felt like an earthquake. There were aftershocks, I swear! But afterwards, we’re standing there, she’s doing her best Big Mac colored Fluttershy impression, and what do we hear from behind us?”
Twilight, recognizing the setup, asked with a giggle. “What did you hear?”
“The stallion behind us suddenly screams, ‘EARTHQUAKE! SOMBRA’S COME BACK FOR REVENGE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!’ and started running away. The next thing I know, the entire marketplace is scrambling to run away. Ponies all over started screaming, three mares off to the side just collapsed after screaming about ‘the horror!’ Within seconds the marketplace cleared out and the next thing we know we have to explain to a very concerned guard captain exactly what happened.” Shiny delivered this with a wide smile and a deadpan tone.
Twilight and Celestia froze. They stared at Shining Armor for several long seconds, their eyes wide and their mouths twitching. Finally, laughter erupted in the room. For several minutes the only sound was raucous merriment. Twilight’s laughter mixing in with Shining Armor’s to create a harmony of guffaws. Celestia’s voice rose to a crescendo and her laughter actually became silent as her air supply became severely limited. Even Cadence manage to chuckle along. Though she could also be heard muttering. “It wasn’t THAT funny.”
Slowly, the room quieted down as the laughter died.
“That...” Twilight gasped, her eyes watering, “That can’t be true.”
Shiny’s smile widened even further. threatening to swallow his ears. “Hoof to the heavens Twily, my pretty pink princess pooted publicly; Ponies panicked.”
