Chapters So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in walks somepony I see a lot around these parts, Trixie.
Now Trixie is usually a loudmouth bloke, announcing herself to everypony and everything at all times, but this time she seemed very quiet.
She ordered her usual gin tonic elixir and just began circling her hoof around the glass.
“Oi, Ms. Lulamoon, are you feeling alright?” I asked the depressed unicorn. She sighed and took a sip out of her elixir.
“I am having some pretty bad experiences with stallions lately”, Trixie sighed. I looked at her with a bit of surprise.
“Oh, that’s a shame”, I said to her, “So what’s the problem?”
“Well”, Trixie began, sipping out of her gin and tonic, “I had these two really annoying stallions following me around everywhere I went”.
“Oh, you mean Snips and Snails”, I interrupted her.
She gave me a stern look to shut up and continued her story.
“Yeah, those two”, Trixie continued, “At first it wasn’t a problem handling the two of them. I mean being adored by two stallion who worshiped even the very ground I walked on was just glorious. And not to mention what they did for me in the bedroom”, Trixie said with a smirk on her face, “Why I remember the one time –“
“It’s okay, Ms. Lulamoon”, I said, quickly stopping her from going on any further, “I get what you are aiming at”.
She laughed a bit and sipped down another gulp of gin and tonic.
“Anyway”, she continued her story, “Those two were magnificent, at first. However the more time passed, the more those two became annoying to me. They were clingy, pathetic, weak and not to mention as dumb as a brick of hay”, she said and downed the rest of her drink; “Even the stuff they used to do in the bedroom began to feel boring. The relationship was just suffocating me”.
“Well, why didn’t you just break up with them’” I asked her.
“You think I didn’t try, man?!”, Trixie snapped at me, “Those two just do not take a hint. Not only that, but, after we broke up, those two nitwits kept following me around. Everywhere I went! I ran to the mountains, there they were! I hid in the Everfree forest, they were there! I went to the Swampy Bog and, well, you can guess what happened”, she said and ordered another gin and tonic.
“Jeesh, that sounds horrifying”, I said, pouring in her elixir, “But how were you able to get here without them?”
“Well I told them I would be on the Moon today”, Trixie said, smirking to herself.
“And they bought that?” , I said skeptically.
“Like I said, dumb as a brick of hay”, she said and downed her drink.
As she paid for her drinks, I could see two unicorns standing by the window. Trixie sighed in defeat, so I handed her a bottle of gin.
“It’s on the house”, I said, “You’re going to need for where you are going”.
She smiled to me and bolted straight out of the bar.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
Author's Note
Well that was as far as I got today. I hope you enjoy this little bit of randomness from. And if you have any suggestion for the next mare or stallion, send it down in the comments below and I will consider it.
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony I wasn’t expecting to see alone, Bon Bon.
Now Bon Bon is a fascinating mare who lived a really interesting life and she’s always got an interesting story to tell.
She’s usually very cheery and quite the blabbermouth if ya get what I mean and almost always comes with her friend, Lyra.
However, this time she seemed twitchier than ever before. She just kept tapping her hooves and glancing nervously at the door.
“So what’ll it be, ms Sweetiedrops?” I ask here.
She looks at me with crazy eyes and grabs my tie! Me bloody tie! Those things aren’t cheap ya know!
Then she starts asking me all sorts of questions like who do I work for and how do I know her secret name, which, if I am honest, isn’t really that big of a secret. Celestia posted the list of former spies a few weeks ago so most of Ponyville already knew who she was.
“Ms. Sweetiedrops, calm down”, I said, a bit afraid for my own life, “I was just asking ya what you want to drink?”
She takes another look at me and lets go of my tie. As I am straightening my tie, I notice how she is still on the edge.
“Peppermint schnapps”, she says, still nervously looking around.
As I’m pouring her drink, the bloody mare reaches over the counter and snatches the bottle right out of me hooves. She starts downing the entire thing like she is trying to win a race or something. And I am just standing there, wide eyed and in shock. I mean, it isn’t every day that this happens you know.
“Ahh that hit the spot”, she said as she finished off the bottle.
“Ms. Sweetiedrops are you feeling okay? You don’t seem to be yourself lately”, I said to her, trying to make heads or tail from this display.
“Actually, I am not”, she said groggily, “I am actually feeling mortified beyond my comprehension”. I could see that the bottle was beginning to fight back.
“So what’s the cause of your problems?” I asked.
“Well”, she began, “You know how I worked in Celestia’s secret service”.
“Yeah”, I replied.
“Well as it turns out there was a slight breach of perama-, parama- , paruna-“, she tried to think of the right words.
“Perimeter?” I interjected.
“Yeah, that thing”, she said groggily, “And as it turns out my vengeful ex man got out. Poof! Straight out of Tartarus and now he is looking for me”, she said, swaying heavily and flailing the empty bottle of schnapps around her head.
I took the bottle away from ‘er, because, frankly, I was afraid she would bust her head open with it or, even worse, my head.
“Well can’t you call the Royal Guard to stop him?” I asked.
“And how do you suppose they would stop a slime monster? Huh, smart guy?” she said pointing her hooves at me.
“You went out with a slime monster?!” I exclaimed in shock.
“What can I say?”, she shrugged, “I was really into bad boys back then”.
Suddenly, loud screams came from outside the bar.
“Wellp, looks like Jerry found me”, Bon bon said, leaving me the money for the bottle of schnapps, “See ya later, barskey!”
And with that she was off. Last I heard those two patched things up nicely and remained friends. Jerry’s a nice guy once ya get to meet him.
Sure he’s a ten foot blob demon who tried to destroy Ponyville in a jealous rage, but let’s be honest here; who hasn’t been there?
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony, I’ve seen a lot around these part.
Now Lyra usually comes in as a ‘package deal’, if you will, with Bon Bon. I mean those two are damn near inseparable. Heck, I’ve seen Siamese Twins less conjoined then those two.
Anyway she walks in, and as she sits down, I notice something strange about her. She didn’t come alone.
Instead, next to her was this large bloke with two back legs and two, as she called them, ‘arms’.
Now, I’ve heard about these things called humans, but I have never actually seen one in Ponyville. It was actually quite fascinating if I’m honest.
Not to mention he and Lyra were going all out.
They were calling each other pet names like, ‘honeybun’ and ‘cootsy pie’. It was actually rather painful to watch.
So they sat there and I asked “What’ll it be?”
“Oh I’ll have what my schnikerdoodle is having”, the human said.
“No no, I’ll have what you’re having, my lovely pasty muffin”, Lyra said.
Well I couldn’t take it anymore so I just poured them both a nice cold beer and let them be.
The two then continued to coo over one another for quite some time, before the human said he needed to go to the stall.
As Lyra was left alone she sighed in happiness.
“Oi, Ms. Heartstring”, I said, “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but how come you two are together?”
True, I could’ve formulated that better, but hey, what can I say? I am a straight forward man.
She looked at me with starry eyes and said “Isn’t he just wonderful?”
“I guess”, I replied, “but how did you two meet’”
“Oh we met over a dating site”, Lyra responded, “Meetnewhumans.com. It is the best site to find true interspecies love”.
“But isn’t that kinda weird? I mean surely there are stallions here that attract more than he does? Or even mares for that matter?” I said, trying to understand.
“I tried dating stallions”, Lyra responded, “but it always ends horribly. I am always the one who has to suffer after they cheat on me! Well I won’t be any more”, Lyra said.
“But how do you know he isn’t going to cheat on you?” I asked, still a bit baffled by her response.
“Because humans are confided to one mare only”, she said, “ I read all about it”.
And as she said that, I glance over at the table across and lo and behold who do I see?
That human Lyra brought in here, fawning over some mare.
“Well so much for that theory”, I said to Lyra.
“What do you mean?’” Lyra asked.
"Could you excuse for one tinsy moment?" Lyra said sweetly.
What happened next was just brutal, I can tell you that.
Lyra walked up to the guy and kneeled him, right in to the crotch. The guy fell down, whimpering in pain, but she wasn’t done yet.
She began to stomp on his testicles as hard as she can, pretty much turning them into mush, by the time she was done with him. I think that at one point, I actually saw her jumping on his crotch like it was a trampoline.
As the guy lied down in pain, Lyra walked up to me and paid for the beer.
“So, I guess you’re done dating humans?” I asked.
“I’ll see”, Lyra replied, “but first I have to make a few complaints to a certain book company”.
And with that she was out.
The medics later stitched up the guy and sent him home. They said he’ll be fine, although he shouldn’t hope to be a father. Yeah that dream was long gone.
I like to think that Lyra learned an important lesson about humans that day. Well i'd like to think that, but last I saw she was dating another one just a few weeks after. May Celestia and Luna have mercy on his poor soul if he ever cheats that mare.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony, I don’t really see a lot in my restaurant, Time Turner.
Now someponies know him as Dr. Whooves, for some odd reason, but I like to refer to my customers by their regular name.
So he comes up to me and I see he is carrying a suitcase, chained to his front hoof. It was quite odd, but I chose to ignore it for a bit.
“Barskey!” he called out to me “I want an apple martini. Shaken, not stirred”.
I rolled my eyes and began to prepare his drink. Just as I began shaking his martini, the bloomin’ guy yelled at me.
“Stop! That’s enough”, he said.
I just rolled my eyes again and poured him in the drink.
As he is sitting there, sipping his drink, I can’t help myself, but to stared at his suitcase. I mean the bloody thing was chained to his hoof!
So I asked him “Oi, Mr. Turner, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’s in that suitcase of yours?”
Turner looked at me with a smirk and tapped his suitcase confidently.
“This thing is going to make me all the money I could wish”, Time Turner told me.
“Oh it’s another one of your crazy inventions, isn’t it?” I asked him slyly.
He looked at me and laughed viciously.
“Ha! As if”, Time Turner exclaimed, wiping away the tears from his face, “No, no, this the real deal right here”.
“So what is it?” I asked him.
He looked around the bar, making sure nopony was watching him, and got real close in my face.
“Filthy Rich’s secrets”, Time Turner responded.
“Filthy Ric--?!” I tried to exclaim in shock, but Turner puts a hoof on me mouth.
“Bloody ‘ell man!”, he yells at me in a whispery voice, “Are you trying to get us both killed?”
“Alright, alright”, I said, slowly calming down, “but why do you have his secrets?”
“Well it was kind of my job”, Turner responded, “I am a corporate spy working for Filthy’s rivals”
“But aren’t you a scientist?” I ask him, still confused by his story.
“That’s my cover story”, Time Turner says and winks at me.
“So how did you acquire these documents?” I ask, my curiosity slowly growing.
“Well”, Mr. Turner began his story, “I was able to get real close and personal with Mr. Rich, presenting my ‘inventions’ for his funding. The foal was hooked lined and sinkered, nearly each and every time. The fool even used one of my listening bugs as his flowers”, Turner laughed at that remark.
He then took a sip out of his martini and continued his story.
“So, anyway, once my bugs were in place, I was able to discover all of his secrets. From embezzlement to even forced foal labor. It was rather
I just nodded me head and looked at him, completely wide eyed in shock. He seemed a bit amused by my bewilderment.
He paid up for the drink and began to walk out.
“Oi”, I yelled at him, “How do you know that I won’t say anything?”
He smirked at me, winked and pointed his hoof to one of me flowers.
“I am always watching”, he said and left the bar, never to return again.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my favorite customers, Filthy Rich.
Now, it’s not hard to see why Mr. Rich is one of me favorite customers. He would always leave a large tip and his drinking habits were earning me quite the bits, if you know what I mean.
He is usually a cheery and proud fella, but today he seemed kind of down in the dumps.
“So what’ll it be today?” I asked him.
“Vodka”, he said, “And leave the bottle”.
I sipped him in his drink and left the bottle at him. He looked at the glass, then back at me.
“You know what I like about vodka, barskey?” he asked me.
“No, I don’t”, I replied.
“It’s clear”, Mr. Rich replied, “You can easily see its intentions and know everything you need to know”, he said and gulped down the vodka.
The guy seemed completely destroyed.
I mean he was going all out, gulping down vodka faster than Bon Bon.
“So what happened, sir?”, I pried.
“I lost a lot of money this week”, he said, “Some of my biggest secrets got out to the general public. I mean who would have known that having
“Oi, calm down, Mr. Rich”, I said to him.
He started to slowly relax and fix up his ruffled mane.
“I am sorry”, Filthy Rich said, “but I am just a little under pissed off because of all of this! I mean they treated me like I am a freaking slave worker! A slave worker!”, he yelled angrily, “I paid those kids almost two bits per hour! So unfair…”
I just sort of nodded and vacantly agreed with him. Celestia knows, I am not going to oppose a man who used foalren as his main working force.
“So what happened?” I asked.
“Well the higher ups made me shut down all my corporations that had anything to do with foal labor. Which, when all things summed up, was about 70% of all my factories”, he said.
“That many were ran by foal labor?” I asked in shock.
“Well yeah”, Filthy said groggily, “After that whole ‘no slaves ‘ act was passed, I had to work off of what I had”.
“That sounds horrible!” I exclaimed.
“Sure, for them”, Filthy said, “I am still ridiculously rich and my zapp apple business is going rather well”.
“So why are you so depressed’” I asked.
“Haven’t you heard?!” he yelled “70% of my factories were shut down! I am being chased by hundreds of pissed off colts and mares, wanting my head on a silver pleader!”
“Oh right, I see”, I said to him, “So what are you going to do now?”
“Well, I was thinking of moving to Sweet Apple Acres”, he said, “They are pretty much the only ones who haven’t shunned so I figured, I will lay
“Are you sure that’s going to work?” I asked him.
“I’ve gotten out of worse situations then this”, Mr. Rich said.
“What about your family?” I ask.
“Well my wife won’t mind and my daughter goes to school with the youngest fillies. I am sure they’ll get along just fine”, he said and gave me a pleased smile.
He then paid for the bottle and slowly trotted out of the bar, leaving a gracious tip behind.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony I didn’t expect to see, Applejack.
Now, Applejack is a hard working mare and, aside from a few apple deliveries, I haven’t seen her much around these parts.
So she sits down and I noticed how tired she looks.
If you thought she looked too tired when she made that stupid bet with Big Mac then you would have dropped down if you had seen her like this. I mean she was absolutely exhausted.
I thought she was going to fall asleep right there at the bar.
So I ask “Ms. Applejack, are you feeling alright’”
“Not even a lil’, barskey”, she replied.
“Well what happened?” I asked her.
“How’s ‘bout yall give me a glass full of moonshine and I’ll tell yall. And don’t yall be givin’ me those fancy schmancy tiny glasses. I wanted the biggest glass of moonshine yall can find!” she yelled.
I looked at her with surprise as I poured in her drink into the biggest glass I could find.
“Pardon my rudeness, barskey”, she said, “But ah been a lil’ on the edge lately. What with the Riches moving in and whatnot” she said.
“Oh yeah, I heard about”, I said to her, “How are things going with yall”.
“Well Mr. and Ms. Rich have been going along with us like a pig in a mudbath”, she said, “but that little vermin they call their kin is bein’ a real
Needless to say, I agreed with her.
I tell ya that little snot nosed bugger of their daughter is the most annoying thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen Trixie!
She’s always running around the bar, causing all sorts of shenanigans with that stuck up friend of hers and she’s just the devil’s spawn to me, always kicking me in the shins and being an annoying little twat.
“I know what you mean”, I tell her.
“Do yall even know what that heck spawn did to poor ol’ Granny Smith?” she asked me.
“No, I don’t”, I said to her, refilling her drink, “What did she do?”
“She took ol’ Granny’s cane right out of her hooves!” Applejack said.
“Right out of her hooves?!” I asked in shock.
“Right out of her hooves!” she repeated in outrage “Ah mean can you believe that?! There’s disrespect for your elderly and then there is this”, AJ said, “And not to mention what that demon has been making us do all day and night. I’d rather buck thorn apples then have to listen to ‘er complainin’ about tea temperature ever again”.
“I feel your pain”, I said to her, “but you can’t really do much here. You know what they say about life and lemons”.
“Oh that’s what yall think”, AJ said smugly, “Ah am not gonna let that filly escape unpunished. She needs to be taught respect for her elders!” she said and slammed her hoof against the bar.
“What do you mean?”I ask.
“Ah’m gonna give ‘er the apple delivery duties”, AJ said smugly.
“Delivery duties?” I said in surprise, “But doesn’t that go through –“
“The Chimera teritory?”, she finished my sentence, “Oh, yall can bet yer sweet moustache it does!”
I felt a bit flattered, but more horrified.
“That’s diabolical!” I said.
“Relax, ah’m not gonna let ‘er get eaten”, AJ said, “Ah just wanna give that disrespectful filly a bit of a scare, so she’d learn some respect!”
“How do you know Mr. Rich will agree?” I asked.
She raised one eyebrow at me.
“Yall do know the he ain’t opposed to child labor, right? Even if it’s his own flesh and blood”, she said, “He respects the hard work more than anypony ah met so far”.
“Still”, I said to her, “Don’t you think you’re going a little bit too far?”
She gulped down the rest of her drink, looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing”.
Celestia only knows I couldn’t do that, so I just stayed silent.
She paid me for the drink and was off on her way.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of the most famous ponies, Princess Luna.
As she walked in all the usuals began to stare at her.
They were looking at her like she was a goddess to them, but a few were turning their eyes away from her in shame.
Luna smiled at those whose eyes caught her sight and she sat down at the bar.
“Ah, princess, it’s always a pleasure to see you”, I told her, “Tell me what can I give you on this fine evening?”
“Whiskey”, she said groggily, “and make it on the rocks”.
I looked at her, confused by her order. Usually she would have something later, like Urban Twilight or the Nighttime (which consists of ambrosia juice mixed with pineapple juice and lime drops),but rarely something harder.
I poured her the drink.
As I handed it to her, the princess drank it as fast as she could. She closed her eyes and let out a grunt.
“Ah, that’s good”, she said, “Keep it coming!”
Naturally, I poured her another.
“Princess”, I said, “I hope you won’t mind me asking, but what’s happening with you? You never drank whiskey before, especially in these quantities”.
She gulped her drink and looked at me, shaking her glass.
Naturally, I refilled it.
“Bartender”, she told me, “Do you know how it is to see everyponies dreams every single night? Dou you know how does it feel to see their deepest secrets?”, she asked me.
“No, but I have a pretty good perception of it”, I said to her.
She laughed.
“Look who I am talking to!”, she laughed even harder, “After all you know everyponies secrets in here”.
“Well, maybe”, I said, feeling a bit proud of myself.
She suddenly turned serious.
“What I would give to trade places with you”, she said, looking down at her glass.
“Why do you say that?” I asked her.
“Well”, she said, “ponies’ dreams have certainly changed in these thousand years. Before, their dreams were pretty tame, but lately, they became much”, she said, looking around, “raunchier”.
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“Well their nightmares have become much more disturbing”, she said, “They have become much more vivid and detailed. For example, in the past, a pony would dream of falling. Nothing unusual, I dealt with these dreams on a nightly basis”, she said and sipped her drink, “However, now you have ponies that actually dream of their bodies getting splattered all over the sidewalk in such gruesome detail that it made me almost vomit”.
“Sounds rough”, I said.
“Oh, but that’s not even the worst”, she said, “Nowadays you have ponies that actually enjoy in these dreams. Some more than others”, she
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“Well see that pony over there?”, she said pointing her hoof to Big Mac.
“Yeah, what about him?” I asked, “He seems like a nice fella”.
“For the most part he is”, she said, “but last night I accidentally walked into one of his”, Luna coughed, “ ‘fantasy’ dreams”.
“What like fairies and pixies?” I asked.
“No”, she said, “The forbidden ‘fantasy’ “
“I don’t follow” I said.
“The VERTICAL DANCE fantasy”, Luna heavily implied.
“What?” I asked.
“Erotic fantasy!” she gritted through her teeth.
“Ooohh”, I said and then recoiled in disgust, “Well what was it about?”
“Trust me you don’t want to know”, she said, “but it did involve a dungeon, chains and maple syrup”.
“Oh no”, I said.
She just waved her head and gulped the drink.
“But even that’s tame compared to one dream I saw”, she said.
“Oh sweet Celestia what did you see?” I asked her ot of some sort of morbid curiosity.
“It was about a stallion performing some sort of a family act. There was just so much wrong with it that I can’t even describe it to you”, Luna said, “but in the end everybody was dead and pretty much in a horrible shape. So much blood", she shivered, "Then I heard somepony yell from behind me. I don’t know what he said exactly, but I think it was something along the lines of “The Aristocrats!””
“Sounds awful”, I exclaimed, “How do you deal with them?”
“Well, I ain’t here for pleasantries”, she said and gulped down another glass of whiskey.
“But why don’t you just avoid these dreams?” I asked her.
“And let somepony else to suffer through this?!” she exclaimed in surprise “Trust me, it’s best I contain them so nopony else has to”.
As she said that, she placed the money for the drinks on the counter.
I took the money and gave it back to her.
“It’s on the house”, I said.
I tell ya, my respect for her grew at least three times in size that day.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
Author's Note
Well this chapter was a bit dark. Here's a picture of little Luna for all those affected:
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most interesting customers, Pinkie Pie.
Now, Pinkie Pie is a very energetic mare and this time was no exception.
She walked in with a wide grin plastered on her face and skipped to the bar. Well, I say skipped, but it was more like just one big leap to the bar.
She plopped down on one of the stools and glared at me with her big smiling eyes.
“So what’ll it be, Ms. Pie?” I asked her.
“Fun”, she said, beginning to be a bit jitterier than usual.
“Beg your pardon”, I said.
”Fun”, she yelled with the same bloody wide smile, “fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun!!” she kept yelling.
Now it was at this point that she became very energetic. She started to jump around the bar all crazy like.
She was dancing on tabletops, playing with me jukebox, which I played 200 bloody bits for, and just generally annoying my guests.
“Ms. Pie, what is the meaning of this?” I asked her, genuinely surprised. I mean, I know her reputation is that she is a fun loving gal, but this was just too much!
“Fun!” she said, looking at me with crazy eyes. She jumped on top of my head. I thought it was impossible to do that without crushing my school, but hey, shows what I know.
As she jumped on me head, she took my moustache and tied in a bow. Needless to say, I was becoming rather pissed.
I started chasing the crazy mare around the restaurant.
As I chased her, we bumped into tables, chasing away customer by customer.
Well, it took me a loss of ten customers and a few broken plates, but I finally caught her and threw the annoying mare by her mane.
“Well that’s that”, I thought to myself smugly.
However, the nightmare wasn’t even nearly over.
I started clearing the bar of the mess that mare made when all of a sudden I heard a rumble. I thought it was a bloody earthquake!
So, I looked through the window, when the absolute horror struck my eyes.
A dozen of Pinkie Pies rushed towards my restaurant. Well, at least I knew why Pinkie Pie was acting like she was.
I sighed out of defeat and waved a metaphoric white flag as the pink horde rushed through my doors.
Any customer that was left went screaming out of the doorway as the flood of pink fluffy mane rushed in.
I had pretty much enough of this so I just walked up to the bar and opened the bottle of vodka as the apocalypse began.
The pink nuisance screamed “FUN!” in unison as they wrecked the entire place. They jumped on the table, threw glasses at each and yelled at the most annoying frequency.
And I was just sitting there, filling my muzzle with vodka.
“Oh look”, I said, nearly breaking into tears, as the Pinkies destroyed my jukebox, “There goes 200 bits”.
Well just as their hurricane raged, two mares rushed in. It was Twilight and the real Pinkie Pie.
“Uh oh”, Pinkie Pie said.
Twilight put her hoof to her forehead.
“I’ll blast them”, she sighed in defeat.
They got the clone Pinkies out as fast as they could.
“I am really sorry for causing all this trouble, sir”, Pinkie Pie said and handed me a check for the damages. She even covered the jukebox restoration.
“It’s okay Pinkie”, I said, “but why, in the good name of Celestia, did you create so many clone?”
“I just wanted to see if they had changed”, Pinkie Pie said with large smile.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah”, she said, “I added in one of Twilight’s potions to see if they would make more efficient clones”.
“And how did it turn out?” I asked, sarcastically.
“Same as the first time”, she replied with a sigh of defeat.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a strange new pony to my restaurant.
Now this pony was pretty tall and slim, but I couldn’t for the life of me tell what species it was. It wore a mask of some sorts and a big brown cloak, kind of like those street ponies I used to see.
So it sits down and I asked them “What’ll it be?”
“Give me the Sunshine supreme”, the pony said in a feminine voice. Now this took me a bit by surprise, since there’s only one pony in Equestria who can stomach the Sunshine supreme, which is essentially a cocktail of lemon, lime and grapefruit juice mixed with absinthe, vodka and moonshine.
It’s an extremely powerful beverage.
I looked a bit closer to this pony and I noticed a long horn protruding out of its hood and a pair of wings barely moving under it.
Well it was pretty obvious to me, who this was.
“Princess Cele—“, I said, but she placed a hoof over me mouth, showing off her golden horseshoes.
“Quiet, barskey”, she said, taking off her mask, “I don’t want everypony to know I am here”.
“Alright”, I whispered to her.
There weren’t that many ponies left in the bar, aside from a couple usuals, but they were pretty much drunk off their flanks by now.
I poured in her cocktail and handed it over to her.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking this”, I said to her, “but what are you doing here at this wee hour?”
“Well”, Celestia said and took a sip out of her drink, “As it turns out, there have been rumors of a planned rebellion”, she whispered to me.
“A rebellion?”, I repeated in shock.
“Yeah”, she said, “I heard it from a pony that has done a lot of espionage here. What was his name again? I think it was Tim Churner”, she said.
“You mean Time Turner, your highness?” I interjected.
“Yes that guy”, she said, and then looked at me suspiciously, “How do you know about him?”
“He used to come here, it’s a long story”, I said, waving my hooves, “How did you manage to catch him?”
“I didn’t”, Celestia said, “My Guards arrested him a few days ago, due to his tax evasions”, she explained, “Once that was brought to the court, a lot of his other secrets bubbled up and I struck him a deal”.
“What did you offer him?” I asked.
“Well I offered him only two years in the dungeon, maybe even less, if he tells me everything he knows”, Celestia explained.
“And he accepted that?” I said in surprise.
“Well it was either that or be banished to the Moon”, she explained coldly, “Anyway, he told me that there were some changeling scum around these parts that were spreading rumors about me”, Celestia explained.
“What kind of rumors?”I asked.
“Rumors like how I’m going to make an obligatory militia and do a forced mobilization, raise taxes and other lies like those. Which are simply not true!", Celestia said in outrage, "I would never do that to my beloved subjects! I'm not running a military state her!"
"Calm down, princess, I belive ya", I said to her, "So why the get up?"
"They were stirring up problems so I went incognito to find these scum and teach them a lesson”, Celestia said angrily.
As Celestia finished her story, I could see one of the drunkers nervously stand up and walk out.
Celestia quickly noticed that and smirked to me.
“What would you do to them?” I asked.
“Oh I will do something to them, that they are going to wish that they were never hatched”, she quickly finished her drink and winked at me.
I winked back as she gave me the money for the drink.
She gracefully got up and calmly walked out of the restaurant.
I don’t know what exactly happened, but a minute later I could hear a scream, followed by a bright light and then by the silence of the night.
Bottom line, if you want to start a revolution in Equestria, do yourself a favor and don’t.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a creature I hadn’t seen for a while now, Queen Chrysalis.
Now, you would think that, after her defeat, Chrysalis would want nothing to do with Ponyville, but she had actually been one of my regulars recently. I mean ‘ell, if you ran a hive of a couple of hundreds hatchlings, you’d be spending a lot of time at the local watering hole as well.
So, she sits down, and I notice how battered and bruised she looks. I mean, she ain’t the prettiest mare around, but she never looked this beaten down.
Her mane was all tugged and split, under her eyes were large black bags of sleep deprivation and on top of all that, she reeked of something indistinguishable.
“Your, highness”, I address her, “What happened to you?”
“Give my usual and I’ll tell you all about”, she said to me.
Now, Chrysalis usual is a bit of an odd mixture of a rainbow extract, a hint of a love poison and a dash of bug juice. It also reeks to high heavens, but her scent was no better, so it kind of evened out.
As she finished her drink, she was finally ready to talk.
“Angelo”, she said to me, “Do you have any kids?”
“No, not really”, I replied to her, “I am more of acarrier oriented stallion”.
“Good!” she said, “Don’t even think about having kids. They’ll just buck up your entire existence”.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I am a mother of one hundred and forty six different changelings”, she said to me, “For the most part, I deal with them just fine. When they are hungry, I give them food. When they are sad, I comfort them. But then”, she said and pointed to me to pour her another round.
Once I poured her another glass she continued, “You have some ungrateful little pipsqueaks who go around promoting some sort of a revolution against Celestia. Celestia, for crying out loud!” she yelled.
“Well didn’t you do something similar?” I asked her.
“Well yeah”, she replied, “but I had tact and style. That worthless worm just went all trigger happy with his lies. And to think”, she said, while rubbing her templates, “after I explicitly told him not to do that”.
“So what’s the problem?” I asked, “It was his fault not yours”.
“Tell that to Celestia”, Chrysalis said and took a sip out of her drink, “She’s punishing me for what happened”.
“How’s she doing that?” I asked.
“Well”, Chrysalis began, “You know how I am employed as a babysitter?”
“Yeah”, I replied.
“As it turns it, Celestia appointed me to the Cakes’ children”, she said.
“Oh no”, I replied and shivered. The Cakes were nice and all, but their children were quite the little demons.
“Oh yeah”, she replied, “I have to take care of them for the rest of this month. I don’t know how I will survive with those two monsters” she said.
“Well they can’t be that bad”, I said.
“You think so, don’t you?” she said, “Let me put in these terms: I would rather take care of a thousand changelings then be one more second with these monsters! You know what they did to me?”
“What?” I asked.
“One of them actually threw a bathtub at me!” she said “A bucking bathtub! Luckily, I took a foirm of a unicorn so I protected myself”, she said and gulped down the rest of her drink.
“That’s horrible!” I said in shock, “So what did you do?”
“The only thing I knew”, Chrysalis replied, “I stuck the little bastards in a cocoon for two minutes and, once they were firmly asleep, placed them in their bed”, she explained with a devious smile.
I looked at her in shock.
“Why would you do that?” I asked.
“Hey, if it’s good for a changeling hatchling, it’s good for a pony filly”, she replied.
I nodded in agreement as her phone rang.
“Urgh! Time to feed the beasts”, she said, taking the form of a yellow unicorn with a pacifier cutie mark.
“Good luck”, I said to her as she paid for the drinks.
“Thanks”, she replied and left the restaurant in a hurry.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a creature I wasn’t expecting to see, Adagio Dazzle.
Now Adagio was a siren, exiled to the human world, but, since Celestia added that reformation law, she was welcomed back to Equestria. However, she was still in her human form, which took me by surprise.
So she sits down and I notice how depressed she looked. She just sat there, circling her fingers on the table.
“Oi, Ms. Dazzle”, I said to her, “What will you have?”
“I don’t suppose you have a beer here, do you?” she asked me.
“One beer coming right up”, I replied and poured in her drink.
As I handed her the glass, she yanked it my hands.
“Oh that feels soooo good”, Adagio said in pleasure as she filled her mouth with the liquid. I watched her in surprise.
“Umm, Ms. Daze”, I said to her, “Not to be rude, but why are you acting like this?”
“I apologize”, she said, “It’s just that I have been stuck in that cursed human world for so long that I have become rather attached to it”, she said and then looked at me suspiciously, “Hey, how come you have beer, when no other place does?”
“Oh”, I said to her, “My bar holds a monopoly trade with our human counterpart”.
“I see”, she said with a wide grin, “Eliminating the competition before it even arises. Clever boy”.
I blushed slightly.
“Thank you”, I said and coughed, “So how are you adapting?”
“Horribly”, she said, “Since Celestia gave me that miserable teaching job I have been just getting headaches. Not to mention I have a team of a bumbling idiot and a confronting nuisance”, she said, “I mean I tried to form a plan with those two to overthrow Celestia, but Sonata actually likes her job at the Taco stand and Aria just keep knocking all of my brilliant plans down. So I am stuck with my dead end job”, she said.
“Well it can’t be all that bad”, I said.
“Have you tried teaching a pony to play the piano?”, she asked, “It’s a freaking joke! Their hooves are just not meant to play those tiny keys”, she said and gulped down her beer.
“Well, can’t you teach them singing? You were pretty good with that”, I said.
“Unfortunately”, she said with a depressed look on her face, “My beautiful voice has been ruined thanks to that stupid princess f your”.
“Celestia?” I asked.
“No not her”, she shook her head.
“Luna?” I asked.
“No not Luna”, she shook her head again, slowly growing more agitated.
“Cadence?” I asked.
“NO!” she yelled “I am talking about Twilight you buffoon!”
“Ohh”, I said as she sat down and rubbed her templates, “Well there must be something you can do”.
“Actually”, she said with a sly grin, “I have been writing songs here and there and giving them to some of Ponyville’s biggest singers with my own little message in them”.
“Like what?” I asked.
“You’ll see”, she said with a sly smile and paid for the drink.
I have no idea what she meant by that, but I have heard a song ‘Oi, Gada Neris’, that she wrote.
I think the chorus goes something like this:
“Oi, Gada neris,
It’s really catchy and I do hope that she gets more of her hits published. They really have an enchanting ring to them.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my regular customers, Iron Will.
Now, Iron Will is a huge bloak.
You can’t miss that giant even if you wanted to.
He comes to the Hay Palace very often and rarely ever does he leave it alone. I don’t know what it is with him, but he just seems to have a certain way with the mares, which is very strange, considering he is a Minotaur and all, but hey, whatever floats his boat, I guess.
As he comes in, I immediately notice something strange. Every move he makes seemed to cause him more pain than the last and he grunted all the way.
So, the poor bloak barely walks up to the bar and sits down. As he sat down he closed his eyes and groaned in pain.
“You doin’ alright, Mr. Will?” I asked him.
“Shut up and give me some ice!” he began yelling.
I hand him over a cup filled with it and he pours the bloody thing down his pants. I am not even joking!
As he does so I saw vapor coming out of his crotch. At this point I am just baffled by all of this. I mean there is vapor coming out of a minotaur’s crotch! It’s not something I see everyday.
“Ahhh”, he said in pleasure, “That hit the spot. Now how’s about you get me some scotch. Make it the hardest you have”.
“Certainly”, I said, snapping out of my confusion and poured him his drink.
He took the glass and chugged it down.
“Sir”, I said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what happened to yer crotch? There’s steam coming from it!”
“Oh that”, Iron Will smiled, “Pour me another round and I’ll tell ya. And leave the bottle this time”.
I shrugged and poured him another one. A bottle of scotch is what I call a Tuesday for this bloak.
So I leave him the bottle.
He downed the entire thing in two gulps and smashed it over his head. It was nothing out of the ordinary, considering the customer.
“Delicious!” Iron Will said, finishing his drink.
“Thank you”, I replied, “Now will you tell me what happened with you?”
“Sure thing”, Iron Will said, “You know how I used to brag that I could get any mare to sleep with me”, Iron Will asked.
“Yeah, I remember”, I replied.
“Well that got boring pretty quickly”, he said.
“Really?” I asked in disbelief.
“I mean, they are fine for a while”, he said, “but once you tried a few, they get boring, you know what I’m saying?” he laughed. I didn’t.
“Well have you tried minotaurs?” I asked.
“Minotaurs? Yuck”, Iron Will responded with disgust, “They are even worse than mares”.
I rolled my eyes at that comment.
“So what does interest you?” I asked him.
Iron Will looked at me with a smug smile.
“Dragons”, he said with pride.
My eyes were just to pop out of their sockets. I mean, I have heard some pretty weird thing, but nothing has topped that. At least, back then.
“Dragons?!” I repeat in shock.
“Yeah”, Iron Will said with pride, “Their females are just some of the most feistiest and vicious things in the bedroom”.
“Alright, but isn’t that kind of, you know, impossible!” I yelled in disbelief.
“HEY”, Iron Will pointed a finger at me, “Anything is possible if you work for it”.
I began rubbing my templates.
“Alright, Mr. Will”, I said, “but that still doesn’t explain your ‘situation’”.
“Well, I was getting to that”, Iron Will said.
“Alright, sorry for interrupting”, I said shaking my head from the thoughts of the minotaur-dragon mating ritual.
“Well”, he began, “I managed to find a fiery one. She was just so hot and not to mention down to a lot of weird experimentations. However, I soon found out why she was so willing”, Iron Will said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Let’s just say that her ‘satisfaction guaranteed’ plan backfired”, Iron Will smiled awkwardly. I winced at the thought.
“Ouch”, I said.
“Yeah”, Iron Will said, slowly getting up, “I think I might lay off the dragons as well. At least your boring mares never gave me such a burn”.
“You know what they say”, I said as he gave me the money for the drink, “Love’s fire burns hot”.
He painfully laughed at that and left my restaurant.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a very popular pony, Rainbow Dash.
Now Rainbow Dash is usually very energetic and very confident and not to mention very recognizable. I mean she has a mane like no other pony, so she would be rather hard to miss.
As she walks in, I can see a lot of ponies whisper to themselves and giggle in her general direction.
“What are you laughing at punks?!” Rainbow yelled to the curious eyes as they immediately averted their gaze from the agitated mare.
She sat down by the bar and sighed.
“What’ll it be, Ms. Dash?” I asked her.
“Apple Cider, please”, she said, “And make sure to spike it as much as you can”.
I nodded my head and poured her the drink.
“Ms. Dash”, I said o her as I handed the drink; “pardon me for asking, but why were those ponies laughing at you?”
“It’s these stupid rumors”, she said, “Apparently somepony has been spreading stupid stories that I am somehow romantically connected to every mare and colt in town”.
“Really?” I said in shock “Well how so?”
She pulled out a newspaper called the ‘Diamond gossip’.
“I wonder who wrote this?” I said sarcastically.
“I know”, Rainbow scoffed, “She’s just been so subtle about it”.
I looked at the picture on the front cover which displayed Applejack biting down on Rainbow’s tail. Above it was a headline ‘Tug of war or tug
I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Hey! Rainbow exclaimed “It’s not funny”.
“I’m sorry Ms. Dash”, I said, wiping the tears of laughter, “but this is clearly a work of a child’s imagination. I don’t think anypony could
“Oh yeah”, Rainbow said, “Well, how’s about you look at this?”
She said and pulled out another newspaper which showed her carrying Fluttershy in her hooves. Above it was a title ‘Rainbow’s true embrace’.
“Oh I see”, I said, “yeah this could be taken out of context”.
“And that’s not even the half of it”, she said, “There are at least twenty more numbers, saying similar things”.
“Well, haven’t you tried taking some actions against her?”I asked “I mean this is clear defamation of character”.
“You think I didn’t try?” she said “I took the matter to court, but they pretty much told me I can go home and suck on my hooves, because there is nothing untrue about the pictures. And every article was formulated in a ‘speculative’ and ‘suggestive’ manner without any ‘harmful implications’ “, she said with heavy quotation marks, “I don’t know what to do anymore”.
As she said that she started gulping down her drink. I felt bad for the poor gal, so I had to do something.
“I have a sneaky idea”, I said, “but it will involve some heinous things”.
“What do you mean?” Rainbow Dash asked me.
“Well I have certain customers here that could use some heavy persuasion techniques”, I winked at her, “If you want I can make your
“I don’t want you to hurt her!” Rainbow protested.
“What?” I said in surprise “No, no, they would just scare the little bugger so she stops bugging you anymore. Don’t worry they won’t hurt her”.
“Okay”, she said, “but can I know who this pony is or…?”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head”, I said, “You just say the word and let them do their thing”.
Rainbow thought for a long time.
“Alright”, she said, “But remember: Don’t hurt her!”
“You have my word”, I said.
From that point on the ‘Diamond gossip’ stopped its print. In the last issue it published a lengthy public apology to Rainbow Dash and then pulled from business.
I guess the lesson here is, if you are writing gossip about somepony, at least make sure that somepony doesn’t come across Tirek’s bartender.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony I didn’t expect to see, Starlight Glimmer
Now, Starlight Glimmer is one of the stranger bloaks I have had the honor of meeting. She is quite idealistic in her beliefs, but she goes way too far on her tirades and listening to her for a long time is very annoying.
So she sits down and I notice how happy she looks. I mean, she was cheerier than ever before.
“Ms. Glimmer, are you feeling alright?” I asked her, because her smile was really disturbing.
“I am feeling fine like summer wine”, she said, “Speaking of which, can I get some summer wine”.
“One glass of Sangria coming right up”, I said and poured in her drink.
“Thank you so much kind pipe tender”, she said, “I am so glad I have somepony as reliable as you”.
At that point I knew something was up.
“Ms. Glimmer, are you sure you’re feeling fine? I men you look distressingly happy”, I said to her.
“Oh the smile”, she said, “Well that’s because I have finally managed to get something my way”.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well”, she began, “You know how all the time I wanted everypony to be equal and completely the same?”
“Yeah, I heard your tirades a few times”, I said to her.
“Well, I’ve been going about this all wrong”, she said with ecstasy, “It’s not about stealing cutie marks. They actually factor very little in equality in the end”.
“Really?” I said.
“Yeah”, she replied, “The true secret of equality is actually in the mind”.
I facehoofed the second she said that.
“What do you mean, Ms. Glimmer?” I sighed in disbelief.
“It’s in all of our collective minds”, she said, still holding that blasted smile, “If we all think positively, we will all be equal. If we all think happy thoughts, there will be much more happiness in the world”.
I removed my hoof from my face. It really wasn’t a bad idea, even though a bit too idealistic.
“You’re not far off, Ms. Glimmer”, I told her, “So how do you plan in exercising your ideals?”
“Well”, she said, “I am volunteering at a few shelters for homeless foals. I have made it my duty to smile to everypony I ever meet and I have even made amends to my ex citizens by using my remaining bits and buying them all something nice. I know it’s small but every positivity counts”.
“That’s amazing”, I said, completely baffled by her sudden change, “but how did you come up with this whole idea?”
“Living alone in a mountain cave really changes a mare, you know”, she said, “Sure I could have resented those six ponies for what they did to me, which I did for a while. I even made some pretty disturbing plans about their demise”, she said and shivered, “but ultimately I discovered that it wouldn’t help me and that my hatred is actually driving me in a completely different direction. So I reversed my train of thoughts and tried and it turned out for the best”, she said and finished up her wine.
“Well that’s fantastic”, I said, “I hope it works out for you”.
“I hope so too”, she said and left me twenty bits.
“Don’t you want your change?” I yelled after her.
“Keep it”, she winked at me and walked out.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my more, elegant customers walks in, Octavia Melody.
Now, Octavia has once actually been a employee of mine, as she played at an event I held here. It was for somepony’s birthday or something, I don’t really remember. What I do remember is that her music was just amazing. She’s a true classical cellist and a half, I can tell you that much.
“Oi, Ms. Melody, how you doin’ today?” I asked her.
“Could I get a nice glass of chardonayy, please?” she asked.
“Sure thing”, I said and poured in her a glass full of the expensive stuff.
She sighed and looked longingly at the glass before taking a sip.
“At least this wine can still bring some excitement in my life”, Octavia said and sighed.
I cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Anything on your mind, Ms. Melody?” I asked her politely.
“Quite a few things, to be hones”, she said, “but I am pretty sure that you don’t want to hear about it”.
I rolled my eyes and let out a hearty smile.
“Trust me, Ms Melody- -”, I said.
“Please call me Octavia”, she said, “Ms. Melody just sounds way too formal”.
“Okay, Octavia”, I said, “Hearing stories like yours is basically the reason I still do this job”.
She chuckled a bit.
“So what’s on your mind?” I asked.
“Well”, she began, “I’ve been having some troubles with stallions lately”.
“Really? You?” I said in disbelief.
“Hey, even intelligent girls can have trouble in the field of love”, she joked.
“So what’s the problem?” I asked.
“Well, I seemed to have attracted only certain types of stallions”, she sighed, “Mostly other musicians, librarians, stuck up millionaires and the likes”.
“So what’s the problem?” I said, “They seem like bright stallions with a good future”.
“Yeah”, she said with an embaressed look on her face, “but they are so boring. I mean, do you know what was the height of romance, with my
“What?” I asked.
“Attending a party”, she said.
“Well that sounds so bad”, I interrupted her.
“If it was a normal party, sure”, she said with an annoyed look on her face, “But everypony there was just so dang uptight. And that’s coming from me!” she exclaimed.
I nodded my head in agreement. She was usually the description of snobbish and uptight pony, so when she called somepony else uptight then you know how bad it was.
“So what did you do?” I asked her.
“I left him”, she said and sipped her drink, “I mean if you are going to take me somewhere at least make sure I don’t feel as bored as a Vinyl at one of my concerts”.
I chuckled a bit at that.
“Anyway, I have stopped dating ponies like that”, she said, “I think I deserve some excitement in my life”.
“I agree with you”, I said and started to wash some glasses.
As she sipped her drink, I noticed Iron Will enter the restaurant. I already sighed.
However, Octavia had a different reaction. She looked at him like he was a bloody piece of beef. Which coincidentally he was.
“Well, what do we have here?” she licked her lips.
“Are you sure you want to go for him?” I asked her “I mean he is quite a womanizer”
“Hey, beggars can’t be choosers”, she said and took her glass of wine and approached Iron Will.
They seemed to have hit it off quite well.
Octavia was a nice change of pace to Iron Will and it worked vice versa.
Last I heard those two actually had a really good relationship. However, Iron Will was pretty much completely under her hoof now. Serves him right, if ya ask me.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most fabulous customers, Rarity.
Now, Rarity always had an impeccable sense of passion and not to mention her generosity. I mean her tips were always paid in quite a few diamonds, which really go great over in the human world.
My smile immediately grew wider when she entered.
“Good mornin’ Ms. Rarity”, I said as she sat by the bar, “How you feelin’ today”.
“Pretty awkward”, she said with an embarrassed smile, “I just had something weird happen to me”.
“Oh really?” I said, “What’s that?”
“Why don’t you give me some of that good ol’ absinthe of yours and I’ll tell ya”, she winked at me.
I blushed a bit and served her the drink.
“So what’s got you in such a good mood?” I asked her.
“Oh I just had the most divine day ever”, she started, “I just came from a promotion of my newest line of fashion and they loved it!”
“Really?” I said, “Well that’s great news for you”.
“Well it was at first”, she said, “I prepared everything from the clothing line to the runaway, everything was just beautiful. And that, something happened”, she said and turned her head away.
“What?” I asked her in surprise.
“Well, after the show, which gone spectaculary, if I can add”, she said with pride, “One of the models approached me. I believe her name was Fleur de Lis and she got a bit too close”.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well she asked me if I”, she said with a shy smile, “play for the other team”.
“What other team?” I asked.
“You know”, she bulged her eyes, “The OTHER team”.
“OH”, I said as it finally clicked to me, “She’s into mares”.
“Well, put so bluntly”, she said and sipped her drink, “I mean, I have nothing about such mares, but she got way too close”.
“How close?” I asked.
“Like so close she almost kissed me on the muzzle”, she said.
“So what did you do?” I asked her.
“Well, what could I do?” she began, “I turned her advances down, but she just wouldn’t stop teasing me all night. It was getting rather uncomfortable. I had to leave the party much earlier because of that”, she said and took a big sip of her drink.
“Well, at least that’s over with”, I tried to comfort her.
“I wish that were true”, she said and rubbed her templates with her hoof.
I looked at her with a puzzled eye.
“Since my line was so well received, more of my dresses are going to be presented tonight. And who better to present them than Ms. De Lis herself”, she finished and gulped down the rest of her drink, "At least according to Photo Finish. Urgh"
“Sounds pretty awkward”, I said, “So what’s your plan here?”
“Get in and get out, without making any eye contact what so ever”, she said and left me the money for the absinthe.
“Good luck with that”, I told her as she left.
“Thanks”, she sighed and left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my more conservative customers, Fluttershy.
Now Fluttershy I usually very, well, shy, as her name would suggest, so she doesn’t talk as much as some of my other customers do. Until, she has a few pints in her that is. Then she becomes chattier than Trixie and Bon Bon combined.
So she walks in and sits by the bar.
“ Oi, Ms. Fluttershy, what’ll it be today?”, I asked.
“One daiquiri please”, she whispered under her voice and looked at me shyly.
I gotta admit, my heart kind of melted- Her actions are just so freaking cute!
“Here ya go, Ms. Shy”, I said and gave her the drink.
“Thank you”, she smiled at me and drank it one gulp.
“Could you, possibly make me another one? Pretty please”, she said and did that cute thing with her eyelashes.
I smiled.
“Of course MS. Shy”, I said and poured in her another one.
“Thank you”, she said and gulped it again. She waved her glass for a refill. I was surprised and poured in her drink.
“Are you feeling fine, Ms. Shy?” I asked her.
“Whatever do you mean?” she said and gave the slightest hiccup.
She covered her mouth with her hoof in the cutest way I ever saw.
Seriously, every time she is here, I feel my heart melting away. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten diabetes by now.
“Well, it’s you third daiquiri today alone”, I pointed out, “Is everything alright?”
“Well”, she rubbed her shoulder awkwardly, “things haven’t been the best at my cottage” she said and sipped her drink.
“Angel bunny?” I asked.
“How did you know?” she said in surprise.
“Call it a hunch”, I said and rolled my eyes.
That stupid rabbit of hers is the most annoying critter I had seen in my life. I mean the way I saw it use her is just awful. One time she went in with that hellish being, it actually kept pulling on her mane and throwing tantrum until Flutters bought him his treat.
“So, what’s your grievance?” I asked her.
“Well”, she began, “I was just tending to my animal friends when Angel started pulling my mane. I was too busy, since one of my birdies hurt his wings, but Angel paid no mind to it. He kept pulling my mane until I finally paid him attention. So I turned to him and asked what the problem is. Apparently, little mister, pardon my rudeness”, she apologized, “Wanted me to play with him. I tried to explain that the birdies needed my attention or else they would starve. He pouted and gave me a cold shoulder. I had to work for weeks to get him to talk to me again”, Fluttershy sighed.
“Wow”, I said, “that sounds pretty messed up”.
“You’d think so”, Fluttershy said, “but that’s not the worst thing he did. No no, that was the time when he instigated fight with another bunny.
“So what did you do?” I asked her.
“Well, I drove the two away from one another”, she said, “And then”, she breathed in for a second, “HE HIT ME!” she slammed her hoof on the table.
I flinched for a second.
“At that point I was pushed to my limit”, she said, “I stared the most menacing stare I could muster at Angel”.
“What happened then?” I asked her with a bit of fear in my eyes.
I mean Fluttershy is the most patient and kindest pony I had ever had the courtesy to meet, so if you make her mad, you know you’ve done something wrong.
“Well, let’s just say Angel has much more respect for me, now”, she winked at me and paid me for the drinks.
I don’t know what she did to that rabbit, but the next I saw him, he was the calmest creature ever. He barely said anything. I tell ya, don’t ever piss off that mare. She might be kind, but even she has her breaking point.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my, stranger customers, Vinyl Scratch.
Now, Vinyl is an interesting mare to say the least. She is usually very quiet and wrapped up in her own world blasting that hip hoppity music.
So, she sits down and does a thing that I had ever seen her do, take off her headphones. I was quite surprised by this.
“So, umm, Ms. Scratch”, I said.
“Please call me Vinyl”, she said with a sigh.
“Okay, Vinyl”, I correct myself, “Why did you take off your headphones? I mean I have seen you walking into this bar so many times and you never took off your headphones, even when you ordered!” I said in surprise.
“Yeah, well, I need somepony to listen to my troubles. And you seemed to have a special talent for that”, she said.
“Really?” I said and rolled my eyes “What ever gave you that idea?”
“Your reputation dude, duh”, she said and rolled her eyes.
I facehoofed.
“I was being sarcastic”, I said under my breath.
“Whatever”, she said.
“Well, don’t yo have your roommate?” I asked.
“Actually”, Vinyl said and rubbed the back of her mane, awkwardly, “she is kind of the part of the problem”.
“I see”, I said and rubbed my chin, “Well what will you have to drink?”
“Do I have to order something to drink?” she cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Yeah”, I said and shrugged, “It won’t work in any other way”.
“Fine”, she sighed in irritation, “I’ll take a zap apple special”.
“One zappletini coming right up”, I said and mixed her drink.
I poured it in for her.
“So what’s your grievance with Ms. Melody?” I asked her.
“Well, it’s not so much about her, but more about her”, she coughed, “ annoying partner!”
“Who? Iron Will?” I asked.
“No, Big Mac”, she said sarcastically.
“Really? She started dating that bloak now?” I said, pretending to be dumb.
She facehoofed.
“Yes, it is about Iron Will!”, she yelled.
“Alright, alright, no need to get your haystack in a twist”, I said, chuckling slightly under my breath, “So what did the big bloak do to ya?”
“He has become a regular nuisance in my life”, she said, “I mean, I am happy that Tavi found somepo- -, I mean some creature”, she corrected herself, “But his attitude is extremely annoying”.
I cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Yes”, she said in surprise, “I can find a certain type of attitude annoying. And this guy has abundance of it!”
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“Well, first off, he is way too loud”, Vinyl started, “I mean he is so loud that I can hear every, single, solitary, inflexion in his voice every time he opens his mouth. And then you have his attitude, which is more in your face than the freaking explosive boombass”, she yelled and gulped her drink.
“Ouch”, I said awkwardly.
“I mean, while Tavi is there, it’s all fine and dandy”, she said, “She seems to have some sort of a power over him. I don’t know and I don’t question it”, she said and shrugged her shoulders, “but the second she is out, he becomes unbearable!”
“How can he be in your house without Tavi?” I asked confusedly.
“Well”, Vinyl sighed, “He spends some time there. Usually when I work long shifts, he spends nights in our house and then I have to deal with him in the morning. Which is just what I need after a loud rave. A loud and obnoxious twit!” she sighed and downed the rest of her drink.
“Sounds pretty horrible”, I said to her, “but it could be worse. He could be moving in”.
Vinyl thought for a second and shrugged her shoulders.
“I guess you’re right”, she gave a sigh of relief and paid me for the drink.
Now, you’re probably wondering what happened to Vinyl after that. Well, last I heard, Iron Will did move in, but he sure wasn’t loud as before.
Like I said earlier, Octavia really had him under her hoof very tightly.
But that’s a story for another day.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my favorite customers, Fleur dis Lis.
Now it’s not really hard to understand why Fleur is one of my favorites.
I mean her very presence is that of an elegance and sophistication. I mean every stallion turns their heads once she walks in.
Such a shame that none of them have even the slightest chance with her.
So she sits down by the bar and I can already see one stallion glaring at her and sizing her down. She must have noticed him as well, because he begins to creep up on her.
“Did it hurt?” he asked her.
“I am sorry, did what hurt?” she asked him politely.
“When you fell from heaven! Boo ya!” he starts boasting.
I just try to sustain my laughter, because quite frankly I don’t know which is worse: him hitting on Fleur or him using that stupid line thinking it
Fleur just smiles to him.
“Oh, honey”, she says sweetly to the stallion, “you are not only barking at the wrong tree, but you’re in the wrong forest”.
The second she said that, I could see all hope disappear from the stallions face as he trotted away in defeat.
“That was cold”, I commented.
“Perhaps”, she said, “but how can you reject somepony nicely?”
I nodded in agreement.
“So what’ll it be today, Ms. Dis Lis?” I asked her.
“Just give me Aphrodite’s special”, she said and sighed.
“What’s wrong?”, I asked, as I prepared her drink (which was orange, pineapple and lime juice, sprinkled with rose water and rum).
“I’ve been just unlucky with mares, that’s all”, she said.
“Ahh, Rarity blew ya off, ei?” I asked.
“Figures she would tell you”, she smirked, “I just thought I have found everything in her: elegance, poise, manners, finesse …Ahh, she had it all.
“Now, you know how we stallions feel”, I joked with her.
She laughed.
“Yeah, I guess so”, she said with a smile on her face, “It just angers me that I managed to ruin everything I had with her. It’s just awkward between us, because of all this. I really messed it up”, she sighed, “I should have listened to Fancypants when he told me to take a step back”, she said and sipped more of her drink.
“While we are on topic of Fancypants”, I said, “What’s the deal between you two?”
“What ever do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, it’s just that I have seen you together around Canterlot”, I said, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have a thing for him”.
Fleur gave a hearty laugh.
“No, no, he’s just a very good friend of mine”, she said, “He helped me when I first came to Canterlot and has been a great support to me for
“However, I’d be rather tied with him than that smug nuisance, Blueblood”.
“What makes ya say that?”
“I saw how he looks at me”, she said, “Seizing me down like I’m a piece of meat and smiling at me like he is the slickest motherbucker in the world. Such a royal pain”.
“I feel ya”, I said, “but at least he’s not getting handsy”.
“He better not”, she said and gulped down the rest of her drink, “because if he does try to do that, I’ll show him what for”.
“What do you mean?” I ask slyly.
“Well”, she began, “let’s just say that ‘Thorned Rose’ has a few tricks up her sleeves” she winked at me and paid for the drink.
I nodded back at her and waved goodbye.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my least favorite customers, prince Blueblood.
Now, I cannot even begin to describe how much I despise this stuck up snot nosed twerp. He always talks to me like I am beneath him, just because he is in a very far far FAR relation to the Diarchs. And this time was no exception.
So the smug bastard walks in looking all high and mighty with his pompous mane floating everywhere.
I rolled my eyes and watched him trot over to my bar. For some reason, all the mares in the bar started fawning over him and a few even followed him to the bar.
“Ladies, ladies”, he began, “Please sustain yourselves. I might be the richest and handsomest pony you ever met in your life, but please, take your turn”, he smugly winked at them.
I actually saw a few of those mares fall unconscious because of that.
“Oi, Mr. Blueblood”, I started, but he looked at me like he was going to bloody kill me.
“What did you just call me knave?” he began smugly, “Do you not know who I am? I am Prince Blueblood, fifty second descendant to the throne”.
“So there are fifty one ponies already in front of you?” I joked.
He became furious.
“I shall not be belittled by a simply wench! Now get me my Cosmopilatan or I will have you on the streets you filthy peasant!” he continued to moan.
“Fine”, I said and made him his drink. I was debating with myself whether to serve with extra spit, but it could’ve hurt me more so I chose not to.
“Here you go, you twat”, I said, openly defying him.
“Thank you, stinking knave”, he said and took his drink. One sip and he spat it at my face.
“It’s too warm, do another”, he commanded me.
I made him the next one and the royal pain was finally semi satisfied. As he is sitting there, I saw him actually dejecting a few advances of pretty good looking mares.
I had a hunch of what was going on, but I wanted to make sure for myself.
“Why so coy today, royal pain?” I asked.
“I beg your pardon!” he exclaimed.
“Well you usually enjoy the presence of mares, but today you’re quite reserved”, I said.
He scoffed at me, “Well if you must know, I found a beautiful mare of high class and intelligence”.
“You’re not thinking of Ms. Dis Lis , are you?” I asked, holding back my laughter.
“And what if I am”, he asked, “She’s a beautiful princess and a complete suite for my brilliance”.
“Oh yeah”, I said, throwing in the hook, “Well, it just happens that MS. Dis Lis has been here just a few days prior and told me some interesting things”.
I could see a sparkle in his eyes. He was hooked.
“What would be that?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Well, she complained how passive you were”, I said, holding off my devious smile, “She likes a direct approach, so be direct!”
He thought for a second and then nodded his head in approval.
“You’re right”, he said, “I do need to be more assertive and direct with her! Thanks knave. There’s a special coin for you right here”, he said and paid for the drink.
As he walked out, I rubbed my mustache sinisterly, because that’s what we mustache enthusiasts like to do from time to time, and watched the comedy unfold. Suffice to say, he got hoofed so hard, that half of his face became completely blue.
Serves him right for calling me a knave.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I'm sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my more interesting customer, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Now, Twilight has become these days some what of a household name.
I mean even ponies who say that the 'don't know who Twilight Sparkle is', know her. She has become a huge deal by defeating so many villains in the past and not to mention being Celestia's protege didn't hurt her image.
However, she never struck me as that type of a pony.
She was a bit more reserved than most royals I have met, but she was a nice enough pony to talk to.
So she walks in and I immediately notice how her eyes are slightly twitching and her lower lip was quivering nervously. I instantly knew what it was all about.
"Something to ease you mind, Ms. Sparkle?" I asked as I sipped her usual drink, vodka-coke.
"Sure", she replied and drank the entire thing in one gulp, "Ahh, that was great. Could I get another one?"
"Coming right up", I said and mixed her the drink, "So what's on yer mind, Ms. Sparkle?"
"Quite a lot, Angelo", she said, as I sipped in her drink, "Have you heard of the great summit coming up?"
"Surprisingly, I have not", I said, a bit taken back myself, "What's it about?"
"Well", Twilight started, "The great summit will be the biggest cross cultural event in recent Equestrian history. It will house every creature from the drakonian representatives, through Saddle Atrabia's officials and even the yak diplomats", she explained.
"Sounds big", I said, trying to hide my enthusiasm.
Hey, these summit things always end up great for me. I don't have to attend them and yet a lot of them folks come to my restaraunt for a quick drink.
"So what does that have to do with you?" I asked.
"Since princess Celestia saw how well I handled the 'yak situation', she wanted me to organize this summit a well", Twilight tapped her hooves nervously.
"Well, it's not like you didn't handle worse situations", I said nonchalantly.
"What?!" she yelled "This summit here holds the very fate of Equestria! What if I mess it up? What if I become responsible for an all out war?!" she continued to panick.
"Calm down, Ms. Sparkle", I said, "I am sure the representatives will be at their best behavior. Your biggest problem were the yaks and since they have a contract with Equestria that will last for at least a thousand moons, we should be alright", I calmly told her.
"Maybe you're right", she exhaled, "Just as long as we can keep the yaks happy, everything should be--" she was suddenly interrupted by a tap on the shoulder.
It was Spike, who had appeared, seemingly, out of thin air. He must have just gotten in andw e didn't notice him, that's all.
"Umm, Twilight", he began, "Princess Celestia just wanted me to ask you if you have ordered the food from Yak Yakistan?"
Twilight's eyes widened in shock.
The next couple of seconds were kinda blurry to me, but from what I can recall, there was a puf of smoke and Ms. Sparkle was there no more.
I looked at Spike.
"What?" he asked.
"Someone has to pay for her drink", I said and extended my hoof, "That'll be thirty bits, please".
He mumbled something under his breath and paid me for the drinks.
Hey, I've gotta eat too.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
Author's Note
And thus the Mane Six stories have been done!
So I'm sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most intriguing customers, Daring Do.
Now, a lot of ponies know of Daring Do's alter ego, A.K.Yearling and of her brilliant written series of novels depicting her own exploits. Heck even I have a few of them in my own private collection.
So she walks in and I can already tell that she's got a lot on her mind. Her eyes are darting down, her hooves are dirty and her mane is completely ruffled.
"Mornin' Ms. Yearling", I wink at her.
She just gives me a slight nod.
"A drink for your thougths?" I ask her.
"Sure", she said, "Just give m usually coffe liquor".
"Right away ma'am", I said and poured in her liquor.
"I hope you don't mind me asking", I said, as she glanced at me, "but what happened to you lately? You look quite beaten up".
"It's that damn Ahuizotl again!" she exclaimed, slamming her hoof at the table, "I mean it's always the same thing. i find an artifact and he poofs into being right behind me with those mangy cats of his. It's getting quite annoying", she said angrily.
"I can only imagine", I said.
"And you know what's the worst part of it all?" she asked me.
"No, what?" I responded.
"I can't just off that nimrod", she said and gulped some of her liquor.
"Really?" I stated, "Why's that?"
"Well", she began, "As it turns out Mr. Ahuizotl is the last of his kind and would have seen extremely irresponsible and, not to mention, very damaging to both my career and cause, if word got out that I am responsible for the extinction of an entire specie".
"Well, can't you sent him to Tartarus?" I asked.
"You think I haven't tried!" she yelled "The damn Ahui rights activists were extremely angered at me, calling me an 'opressor'. Oh yeah, I am an opressor and the guy who once tried to take over the world is just an 'innocent little kitty kat'. Spare me the lecture", she ranted furiously.
She was quite upset about these activists as it turns out.
I mean, you could literally see steam coming out of her nostrils. It was insane.
"Why don't you just retire then? Quit all of it and live off of your books", i suggested to her.
"Unfortunately, I can't do that", she said, "There are still a lot of those hellish artifacts out there, just waiting to be grabbed by some slimy clutches. Whether it be Ahuizotl or some other greasy creature, I can bet you donuts to bits that if I don't find those artifacts, one of them certainly will, and that is a fate I cannot allow this world to suffer".
"Can't you find a replacement?" I asked her.
"Well", Daring began, "I could, but answer me this: What kind of pony could possibly witheld such things that I have gone through and come out victorious? And Rainbow Dash doesn't count. She's got enough on her plate as is. Plus her fanmail creeps me out", Daring joked.
I pondered for a bit and sighed in defeat.
"That's what I thought", she said and gulped the rest of her drink.
"Thanks for the chat anyway", she tipped her head, "I assume these will suffice", she said and tossed me two ripe rubies.
"Most certainly", I said and waved at her as she left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a creature I was not expecting to see, King Sombra.
Now, Sombra has a very peculiar look. Basically, if evil came back in a form of an over the top devil pony, it would still be more subtle than Sombra. He looks so evil that he crosses that line of fear mongering and into comical, at least as far as I was concerned.
Also, we all presumed he was kind of deadish, considering his big explosion back at the Crystal Empire.
So he walks in and all of the eyes are immediately darting at him. They were all looking at Sombra with so much hate and spite, but that was not the strangest part. No, no, the strangest part was the fact that Sombra was actually ashamed.
I was astounded.
“Can I get a Bloody Mary, please”, Sombra spoke in a raspy voice.
“Sure thing, your highness”, I said and began preparing his drink.
“Please don’t call me that”, Sombra sighed.
“Oh, sorry “, I quickly apologized.
As I poured in his drink, I couldn’t shake off a weird feeling creeping up on me. Something about his presence just was not right.
“Umm, Sombra”, I began as I handed him the drink, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how are you still...”, I tried to find the right words.
“Alive?” he finished my sentence for me.
“Yeah”, I nodded awkwardly.
“Technically, I was never dead in the first place”, he began, “Since I am a shadow, I cannot be killed, just merely pushed back to my origins”, e sighed.
“I see”, I rubbed my chin, “Well, what in the good name of Princess Celestia, are you doing back at Ponyville?”
“Reformation duties”, he responded.
“Ahh, Celestia stuck you with a job”, I responded, barely holding in my laughter.
“Yup”, he replied, “And as a bonus she made sure I get my old job back. You know, before I became a tyrannical ruler”.
“And what was that?” I asked.
Sombra sighed and took a big gulp out of his drink.
“I was a magic teacher”, he sighed.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I split a gut and laughed as hard as I could. Of course, Sombra didn’t like it and he scorned me with a small bit of lightning from his horn.
“OW!” I yelled
“That’s what you get for making fun of me”, he said smugly.
“Fair enough”, I said, rubbing my burnt flank, “but it’s comical. How does one become a tyrant after being a teacher?”
“Well”, Sombra began, “That teacher could potentially discover an alternate flow of magic and use it for himself”.
“An it worked?” I asked.
“Like a charm”, he said, “Of course I didn’t know that it would, through time, eat away at my mind and make me go power hungry. Plus the whole ‘weak to light magic’ thing was a serious drawback”.
“Gotcha”; I said, “So I guess Celestia has you behind the teachers desk again, huh?”
“Unfortunately”, he said and drank the rest of his drink, “It’s gonna be tough, but hey, at least it’s better than being trapped beneath the ice.”
“I hear that”, I said in agreement.
He paid me for the drink and left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of Ponyville’s nicest ponies, Ms. Cheerilee.
Whenever I saw this pony she was just an epitome of everything ponies in Equestria stand for: kindness, love and patience. She’s always quite bubbly and very cheerful. Something about working with children really builds up somepony’s patience.
Today, however, she was in a different mood. She entered visible angered and irritated. It took me quite a bit by surprise and, naturally, I wanted to know why this was.
“Good mornin’ Ms. Cheerilee”, I said, trying to be cheerful.
She shot me an irate glare.
“What’s good about it?” she asked grumpily.
“Hey, I’m just trying to make chit chat”, I said.
“Yeah, well less of that and more of whiskey pouring”, she said groggily.
I poured in a shot for her.
She gulped it and demanded for another.
I did it and the same thing happened.
It took four shots of whiskey to finally calm her down.
“Ah, thank you barskey”, she said with a pleasant smile, “I really needed that”.
I stared at her in wide eyed awe.
“What was that?” I asked “I never saw you, scratch that, anypony down whiskeys as quickly as you did”.
“I am sorry”, he said, “but I am having just the worst time back at school”.
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“Well, we just got a new teacher in our school”, she began as it finally clicked in my brain.
“Please tell me it’s not Sombra”, I sighed.
“Unfortunately, it is”, Cheerilee sighed, “Every second I am forced to teach alongside with him is like a nightmare”.
“Well it couldn’t be that bad?” I asked.
“Oh yeah”, Cheerilee began, “Every time he begins his lecture little fillies cry. Seriously, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!” she said emphasizing the words
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“Well”, she began, “A student failed to do a spell once and Sombra not only failed him, but made him wear a dunce for a week”, she waved her head in disappointment.
“Sounds pretty bad”, I said.
“Oh and that’s not the last of it”, she continued, “The kid complained to his parent whom in return confronted Sombra. I don’t know what happened, but after just one visit with the ex tyrant king, the dad dropped all charges”, Cheerilee said in fear.
“You don’t think---“, I gulped.
“That he used dark magic?” she finished my sentence, “No, but he certainly did something to him. Also there are his anger issues, usage of
“Sounds horrible”, I said, “but isn’t there anything you can do about it?”
“I’ll try to report his behavior to Celestia”, she said, “but I don’t think it will work out too well. So I am here with my good ol’ friend whiskey”, she smiled and gulped another drink.
“I don’t think you should have anymore”, I said, refusing to pour her another drink.
“I thought as much”, she said and gave me the money for the drink, “I’ll see ya around”.
“Yeah, see ya”, I said as she left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my lesser known customers, Carrot Top.
Now sure Ms. Top was here and there, but not a lot is known about her. However, I had the opportunity to actually talk to her and she seemed like a nice enough mare. I mean she is no Twilight Sparkle, but she does carry a certain unique quality with her, most notably her love for gardening and, of course, carrot harvest.
So she walks in and sits by the bar.
“What’ll it be today, Ms. Top”, I asked her.
“Carrot juice, as usual”, she said with a smile.
“Coming right up”, I responded and poured in her drink.
“Oh and please don’t call me Carrot Top ever again”, she said and sighed with despair.
“Why’s that?” I asked her.
“Well”, she began, “since that portal to the human world has been made public I actually found out a lot of interesting stuff about their world.”
“Really”, I said in surprise, “What kind of things?”
“They have some rather cool things there”, she began enthusiastically, “Like for example they have these interesting techniques about
“Why not?” I asked her.
“Mostly because I don’t think their poisons would work on parasprites or different bugs”, she said and sipped out her drink, “but a bigger issue would be that it seems to cause more harm than good. I mean those poisons stick to the fruits and not to mention that their uncontrolled melioration causes quite a few problems. Like for example- -“ she began to take wind, but I had to stop her. I seriously did not need an ecological lecture.
“That’s all fine and dandy”, I interjected, “but you still haven’t told me why you decided to change your name.”
“Oh, that”, she said, finally remembering the topic of our conversation, “Sorry, I sometimes ramble off on topics of eco friendly carrot harvesting.”
“I can see”, I commented.
“Okay, so get this”, she said, “As it turns out, there is a human in their world also named Carrot Top.”
“You don’t say?” I said in surprise.
“I’m not even kidding”, she sighed, “And to top it off he is a performer. A comedian, no less.”
“Sounds interesting”, I said, “but that still doesn’t explain why you changed your name.”
“I was getting to that”, she said, sounding slightly annoyed, “Naturally after I heard about this performer that bears the name of yours truly, I
“How was he?” I asked hear, fearfully.
“Awful”, she said, “Granted, I only watched one of his movies, something about him being an inventor and it was just painful”, she said shaking her head in disappointment.
“It couldn’t have been that bad”, I said, waving it off.
“It was unbearable! The jokes wouldn’t make little fillies laugh and those who could be entertained by it, probably would, forgive my language, piss themselves in fear of how freakish this guy looks!” she exclaimed.
“Sounds rough”, I nodded my head, “but that still doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to discard your own name”.
She looked me straight in the eyes and handed me a picture.
One glance was all that it took for me to understand everything. I looked at her in horror, tossing the picture as far away as I could.
“My sympathy goes to you, dear, umm, how do I call you now?” I asked.
“Just call me Golden Harvest”, she said.
We, symbolically, shook hooves and she returned to her drink.
We then talked a bit about advance farming equipment before she went back to tend to her carrots, but that's not all that interesting.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a very intriguing pony, Derpy Hooves.
Now Derpy is known by many names around these parts such as “Muffins” and “Ditzy Doo”, but I know I call her Ms. Hooves. Plus, due to her condition, calling her Derpy would just seem a bit off to me.
She is a well meaning mare, but sweet Celestia and Luna is she dumb. I am not trying to be mean here, but if a brick and this mare entered a thickness contest, the brick would lose on the spot.
And to top it off she is one of the most incompetent mailponies I have seen. I mean, I had a friend sent me a message and the damn pony ended in Yak Yakistan three days later.
Anyway, she trots in and sits by the bar.
“Oi, Ms. Hooves”, I said to her kindly, “Will you be having the usual?”
“Yes”, she said, “One muffin, please.”
“Coming right up”, I said and took out a trey of freshly baked muffins. Why are you surprised? This is a bar/restaurant after all. Just because all of my past customers tend to get drinks, doesn't mean we don't serve food as well. I mean, it's not as good, but hey, at least we try.
As she is sitting there I notice a very important looking mail in her hooves. It was coated in diamonds and on the envelope was written
I hand her the muffin and she delightfully eats it.
“Ms. Hooves”, I began, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what is that envelope over there?” I said pointing my hoof at the mail in front of me.
“What envelope?” she asked. I almost facehoofed at that one.
“The envelope in front of you”, I said .
“Oh that”, she giggled, “That’s just some old stuff. I mean I had it with me for three months now.”
“Three months?!” I exclaimed.
“Yupers!” she said with a smile.
“Don’t you think something titled ‘Urgently deliver to princess Celestia’ would take priority?!” I asked her.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
“Look at the envelope on the desk”, I said.
“I am pretty sure you’re worrying my dear Angelo”, she said and looked down at the envelope. Suddenly she gasped in horror.
“Oh no , oh no, oh no!” she began to yell “This is just awful! I must have given Princess Celestia the wrong envelope! I really need to get my act together”, she almost cried.
“Hey”, I tried to console her, “It’s an honest mistake.”
“No, no, they’re definitely going to fire me for this! Oh why am I so stupid!” she began to slam her hoof on her head.
“Hey don’t do that”, I said, stopping her hoof, “Look, I am sure if you hurry up, you can get the letter to Celestia if you hurry!”
“Right!” she said with determination “I am going right now!”
“Wait you forgot to - -“ I tried to tell her she didn’t pay me, but I let it go. That pony has enough problems of her own as it is.
A few days later, I found out that the letter was delivered safely. Apparently, it was a diplomatic letter that could have endangered the entire peace of Equestria if not responded to. Why they gave it to Ms. Hooves, I will never know.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most intense customers, Colgate.
Now, Colgate’s real name is Minuette, but she does not like to be called that. Trust me when I say this, do not call her Minuette! I made that mistake once… My face is still recovering from that hoof kick.
Luckily, she did not knock any of my teeth out. It’ll take a lot more than that to knock these chompers out haha.
So, as she walks in I can easily see she is decently pissed off. I mean, it’s nothing too special, especially considering the pony in question, but it was still noticeable.
“So, Ms. Colgate, I see you decided to drop by my neck of the woods”, I said to her.
“Yeah, well I heard you have some great booze around here, so I decided to check it out”, she said smugly.
“Very well madam”, I nodded to her, “What’ll you have?”
“Give me the hardest, most gut busting drink you have. And don’t be stingy! I had to deal with cheapskates and whiny babies all day”, she yelled out to me.
“One helping of Devil Springs Vodka coming right up”, I said and poured in her drink.
She downed the entire thing in one gulp. I began to count down.
“three, two, one”, I whispered under my breath.
As the count ended her eyes bulged out and she unleashed a horrid scream.
“Fuck!” she yelled “That ain’t no rosy water I can tell you that” she laughed.
“Only the harshest for Ponyville’s harshest”, I joked.
“HA HA!” she laughed “How’s about you give me another one, barskey!”
“I have an even better idea”, I said with a devilish grin.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Would you be interested in a friendly wager?” I asked her.
“What did you have in mind?” she asked, more and more curious.
“Here’s the thing”, I began, “you and I have both had some popular customers come into our workplace. They have told me some interesting secrets and you have found out some annoying stuff about them.”
“I guess you’re right”, she said, “but what about it?”
“Well here’s my proposal: I will tell you three of my most interesting confessions and you will tell me three of your own confessions. Whoever
“Sounds tempting”, Colgate replied, “but what’s in it for me?”
“I’m glad you asked”, I continued, “If you win, I will give you three bottles of Devils Spring Vodka, two bottles of Absinthe and a bottle of Everclear.”
“What the fuck is Everclear?” she asked confusedly.
“It is only one of the strongest alcoholic substances in the human world”, I explained, showing off my prized bottle of clear liquid, “This baby here is 190 proof, meaning it contains 95% of pure alcohol in it. One sip and those whiny babies wouldn’t bother you ever again.”
I could easily see her eyes lighting up at the mere mention of it. Suddenly she became skeptical.
“What’s in it for you Moustachio Magnet?” she asked me.
“You’ll give me free checkups and fix ups whenever I like”, I replied.
“Why would you need them for? Don’t you have your restaurant dentist or something?” she asked.
“We did, but turns out he was an unqualified one and that his ordination doubled as a torture room”, I shivered slightly.
“Yeah, I can see that happening”, she nodded her head and extended my hoof
“So do we have a deal?” I asked her
“Sure thing”, she replied and shook my hoof.
“Since this whole bet was your idea, how about you go first, barskey?” she asked me.
“Very well madam”, I began, “Do you know who Iron Will is?”
“Of course I know of that ugly manure eating beefcake”, she gritted through her teeth, “Did you know he actually once tried to pay me in self
“Charming”, I said, “Well you will be happy to know that he cam in through that door once, with fire crabs.”
Her eyes bulged out.
“Fire crabs?” she said, barely holding in her laughter, “but don’t only dragons get those?”
“Yup”, I said. Well that was it; she completely lost her self control.
“HAHAHA!” she laughed, “So, iron Will used to be some dragonette’s sex toy?! That is priceless.”
“Yeah”, I said, “but that’s nowhere near as weird as what he got himself into now. He is, as of recently, Octavia’s first class doormat. She whipped that guy so hard that he can’t even get out of it. Even if he wanted to.”
Colgate was barely holding her sides, laughing so hard.
“Oh man”, she laughed, while wiping her tears off, “That was awesome! I see you’re pulling out the big guns right away”, she said with a smirk.
“I was never planning on making it easy for you”, I said.
“Good”, she replied, “I like a challenge!”
She pondered on for a minute or so, before a sly grin appeared on her face.
“I think this one will suffice”, she said.
“Well begin then”, I told her.
“Okay, well you know Fluttershy, right?” she asked.
“Of course”, I said, “She’s one of the sweetest ponies around here.”
“One of the sweetest ponies, my blue ass”, Colgate said bitterly, “She’s a cheapskate without her priorities straight. She always skims over my bills and refuses to pay them. Well, that is until I finally did something”, she smiled evilly.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Well I made a very serious threat to her”, she said and tapped her chin with her hoof, “Now my memory isn’t as good as it should be, but I believe I said something along the lines of ‘ breaking into her house and sacrificing that little piece of uncooked rabbit roast to the gods of dentistry’”, she said and crossed her hooves smugly.
I have to admit I was quite impressed by her actions. She noticed it and laughed.
“Try to top hat, you salt licker”, she smiled smugly.
“Oh I do have more in my arsenal. Now let’s see”, I said and caressed my moustache, “Ah got it!”
“Well then spit out! I want to get my drinks soon enough”, she continued.
“Have you heard of the Changeling Queen, Chrysalis?” I asked her.
“Yeah, I heard about her”, she replied, “What about it?”
“Well, it might interest you that, due to Celestia’s new policy on villains- -“
“Which is almost as bad as her dental plan”, Colgate interjected.
“Yeah, okay”, I said slightly irritated, “She actually got a job as the Cakes’ babysitter.”
“No way!” Colgate gasped “She’s the one taking care of those two demons?”
“You know about them?” I asked her.
“Yeah”, she sighed, “They are almost as bad as Pinkie Pie. I cannot get them to stay still and not to mention their magical abilities are driving me off the fucking walls!”
“Well, you’ll be happy to know that Chrysalis is actually using her cocoon to make them fall asleep.”
“Isn’t that like- -“, she suggested.
“Magical asphyxiation? Indeed”, I nodded my head.
“Wow”, she said, “never knew Chrysie had it in her. That’ll be a tough one to beat”, she joked, “Oh I have one.”
“Do tell”, I said and gave her a sign to proceed.
“You are aware of how awful Celestia’s insurrance is, right?” she said.
“Yeah”, I replied, “As I heard she almost never pays up, right?”
“You’re damn right she doesn’t!” Colgate slammed her hooves on the table “Well, one of her loyal users was Princess Twilight sparkle. And she was the second most irritating user of it. Well, one day, I managed to finally get compensation from her”, she said with a pleased grin.
“Well, how did you do that?” I asked her.
“Well, you see”, she began, “I have all of my customers sign a special agreement. The agreement states that, if they don’t pay up, I am allowed to do whatever I please to them. And, well, you can see where this is going down”, she winked at me.
I was a bit shocked.
“So you and Twilight- -“, I said in surprise.
“And Amethyst Star and Sea Swirl”, Colgate stated proudly.
“Wow”, I said, “but how does it, you know, come together?” I hinted.
“Hey anything is possible with good friends behind you”, she said.
We both gave a hearty laugh at that.
“Alright, I have to admit that was a powerful one”, I said, acknowledging her confession, “But I saved my best for last”, I smirked.
“Well let’s hear it. Don’t keep me waiting!” she said.
“You asked for it”, I claimed with a smirk, “You know Filthy Rich?”
“Of course”, she said, “He always has a lot of mula and leaves a hefty tip behind.”
“Right, I would assume so”, I nodded my head, “but do you know how he amassed such wealth?”
“How?” she leaned n closer.
“Three words”, I whispered to her, “Forced. Foal. Labor.”
“Shut up!” she slapped me and covered her mouth with her front hoof.
“I am not even kidding”, I replied, “It got out and now he is forced to live with the Apples on their farm, hiding away from the angry worker. Apparently 70 percent of his factories got shut down once the word got out”, I said.
“Wow”, Colgate let out a sigh.
I was all ready to glorify my victory, but then she got a vicious smirk.
“Well, Angelo”, she began. I was quite taken that she used my actual name, instead of some made up nickname of hers.
“It was really fun and that last story got me a little worried. I mean how can I possibly top forced foal labor?” she said, faking shock, “but then I remembered Flash Sentry. Now I am certain you will lose it!”
“You mean Bland Yawnfest?” I said and gave off a slight chuckle “What can that joke of a pony possibly do to top Filthy’s?”
“It’s not what he did”, she said mysteriously, “but what I did to him.”
“Oh”, I was taken back.
“Yeah, check this out”, Colgate began, “You know how Celestia’s dental plan does next to jack and shit for me?”
“Yeah”, I said in anticipation.
“Well this whiny little twat trotted in my office one day and he immediately got on my nerves. He began to whine and moan about my methods, like I needed more of that, and to bitch about his woes with Twilight. I was fed up with that, but I let it slide. However the fact that he wasn’t able to pay up with that stupid TiaCare plan”, she gritted her teeth in anger, “Suffice to say I was more than pissed off. So I gagged and bounded the guy and threatened not to give him back until I was fully compensated.”
“You kidnapped a Royal Guard?!” I said with surprise.
“Hey, I want my money. I have bills to pay after all”, she exclaimed. I agreed with her.
“So anyway, I demanded to be fully compensated from Twilight, but she paid only half.”
“So you cut Flash in half?” I exclaimed.
“Well that was my first idea”, she said, “but I only cut off one of his wings. I figured they wouldn’t pay me for his dead body. Then Celestia intervened, but she only partially paid as well, so another wing went off and was mailed to her.”
I just stood there in shock.
“In the end I got my payment, so I gave Flash back. Last I heard, he was working on Maud’s rock farm and was still bitching about Twilight”, she said smugly.
I looked at her for a few moments in silence. After that I extended my hoof.
“Colgate, you win”, I said, handing over her the bottles, “You truly have completely and utterly shocked and disgusted me. Congratulations!”
“Thank you”, she said, taking the alcohol, “It wasn’t easy. You’re one tough guy, barskey. We should do this again sometimes. And tell ya what?
“Thank you. And we will do something like this once again. Just let me restock”, I said jokingly.
We both gave off a hearty laughter as she left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
Author's Note
Special thanks to the user StormLuna, whose interpertation of Colgate's character is what I used in this story. If you want to know what the hay is Colgate talking about here, check it out here:Colgate's Rants . If you are a fan of Ponyville's confessions you will love Colgate's rants, I can tell you that much.
This was the longest confessions so far, in celebration of having more than 2000 total reads, as of writing this. It is my most popular story here and this was my small thank you to all of my readers and commentors out there. You made me reach this goal and you're what keeps the confessions going along. So from the bottom of my heart thank you and I will see you back at the Hay Palace. Cheers!
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a pony I had never seen before.
He looked like an alicorn, but it was obvious he was simply a pegacorn, a unicorn that just happens to have wings. They look like alicorns, but their power levels aren’t even closely matched to the alicorns. Oh and he had mismatched eye coloration, one being yellow and the other green.
So he comes in and sits at my bar. I immediately notice how his mane seems to be covering one of his eyes and he looked quite depressed.
“What’ll you have kind sir?” I asked him.
“I’ll have the darkest most soul crushing drink your sheep heart can bleed out”, he said in a dark tone.
“One Coke coming right up”, I said and poured in his drink. He just flicked his mane and took the drink with his magic.
“This Coke is not more than an allusion of happiness in our dark existence”, he said in a deep tone. I just looked at him quizzically.
“Pfft, such a plebe”, he told me and turned his head away.
I wanted to smack that piece of disrespectful thrash right in his pretentious muzzle. He was really starting to dance on my nerves.
“So, where are you from?” I asked him.
“I am from a place where your precious princesses have no access to. A place that would drive a lesser mind to the depths of depravity and would chew weaklings like yourself until they were nothing more than a pile of mush”, he said.
“That’s nice”, I said, “And what’s your name?”
“My name is Obsidian Annihilation”, he said and struck a pose.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I am performing the sacred lightning summoning pose”, he said waiting for a loud rumble. He stood there for a few seconds before finally
“Something must be interfering with my magic”, he claimed angrily.
“I am sure”, I rolled my eyes, “So, Obsidian, do you have a cutie mark?”
“Well of course”, he said, showing off his flank. There was some weird splotch in a shape of a rectangle inside of which was a circle. Oh and it was on fire, if you count sharp squiggly lines as fire.
“It’s the omen of Handuro, an ancient magic that was banned by Celestia herself for being too powerful”, he said proudly.
“No, I am pretty sure it’s just drawn”, I disagreed with him. I mean, I could see paint dripping off it very clearly.
“No, it’s not!” he yelled.
“Well, let’s see”, I said and took a glass of water. I spilled the water on his flank, causing the cutie mark, and a part of his coat to dtip down. He
“How did you know?” he asked.
“Well first off, don’t use fresh ink for your cutie mark”, I said, “and secondly I have seen a dozen teenage colts like yourself acting in the same manner. Now go into that stall, take a shower and then come back here.”
“What if I don’t do that?” he protested.
“Then you’ll have to walk through the town with your tail covering your flank. Would you like that?” I asked. He sighed and went to the shower cabinet.
Five minutes later, a blue coated pegacorn with green mane and baby blue eyes came out. His flank also was revealed to be a writer’s quill. He sat down back at the bar.
“Welcome back, Obsidian”, I joked.
“Please, just call me Typewriter”, he said.
“Okay, Typewriter”, I said, “Why in Celestia’s good name would you dawn such a get up?”
“Well you see”, he began, “I am writing my very first dark work and I wanted to become my character. To act as he would in everyday situations and to see how ponies would perceive him. So far I had no luck”, he sighed.
“Well did you ever think it was his attitude that was the problem?” I asked.
“How can that be?” he asked.
“Well his gloom nature is very annoying”, I said.
“That’s only understandable”, Typewriter responded, “He’s been through a lot in his life.”
“Sure, but that doesn’t mean he has to be brooding all the time”, I replied, “You should let him have something small to be happy about. If he is just sad and contemplative about everything, it doesn’t make an interesting character. It makes a tedious nihilist who is about as interesting as a piece of cardboard”, I explained.
“But he carries great sorrow with him”, he justified, “His family was murdered years ago.”
“Still, doesn’t he enjoy anything?” I asked “Doesn’t he have something that keeps his sanity or cheers him up when he is down. Doesn’t he have friends that support him?”
“I guess, I could try with that”, he said.
“Oh and please lay off the dark and red color”, I said, “They are jarring at best and they reveal far too much.”
“Okay”, Typewriter said, “Anything else of note?”
“Yes”, I said, “Ease up with his powers. Seriously a ‘power Celestia hid away because it was too much’? That just bores the reader.”
“Got it!” Typewriter said, “Any other critiques?”
“Nope, that’s all”, I said.
“Thank you very much for your contribution”, Typewriter said and shook my hoof.
“Pleasure to help”, I replied as he handed me the money for the drink.
A year later, Typewriter wrote that book, but it didn’t do all too well. Apparently the critics liked it, but the masses were turned off by the main character. However, they did like his mismatched eyes, the one thing I forgot to tell him to change.
I felt bad for old Typewriter, but he did come up next one with a new story which the masses just ate up. It was something about some stupid rebellion. I thought it was not his best work, but hey, I am only a bartender, not a writer.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most respectible customers, Major Mare.
Now, I have been at my disagreements with the old mare. I filed for Pinkie Pie’s ban one time to her and she just tossed it away, saying Pinkie is a ‘national hero’ and that she is ‘an Element of Harmony’.
The other time I tried to shut down Sugarcube Corner for selling Sugarshine, a special alcoholic beverage made of sugarcanes, but she said ‘it was illegal’ and ‘it would create a monopoly’.
Anyway, my point is that the Major and I had quite a few divergences, but we have patched all that up lately.
So she walks and sits by the bar and I immediately notice how depressed she looks.
“ ’Ello Mayor”, I said to her, “A shot for your thoughts?”
“Te stronger the better”, she said.
I poured her a shot of tequila, her favorite drink.
She chugged it down in one gulp.
“That’s the good stuff”, she said, “keep ‘em coming!”
“Right away, ma’am”, I said and poured in her another shot.
After two more shots, she was ready to open up.
“Thank you for that, barman”, she said, “It really helped me, considering the messed up day I had”, the Mayor complained.
“Really”, I said in surprise, “What happened?”
“Quite a few things, actually”, she began, “Due to Celestia’s program for reformed villains he duty of keeping track of their progress has fallen on my shoulders”, she sighed.
“Well, hang on”, I said to her, “Isn’t that Twilight’s job? I mean she was Celestia’s apprentice after all.”
“You’d think that but nope”, she exclaimed, “Apparently she’s too busy with official princess duties to take care of the villains her princess has put me in charge of”, the Mayor complained, “And to top it off, I have to worry about a new election.”
“What new election?” I asked her.
“Well”, the Mayor began, “Apparently there have been rumors circling around Ponyville that my rule as a Mayor has been ineffectual at best and downright incompetent at worst. So, I’ll have to hold up new elections in order to give people what they want, apparently”, the Mayor sighed.
“Well who’s opposing you?” I asked.
“So far, it’s been Filthy Rich, me and Starlight Glimmer”, she said. I almost did a double take.
“Starlight Glimmer is running?” I said in surprise.
“Yeah”, the Mayor nodded her head, “Apparently she believes that the ponies aren’t happy with the way things are run here and she wants to issue some changes in order to improve upon their mood”, she finished her explenation.
“That slimy worm”, I said to myself under my breath, “Well, don’t you worry Mayor, I am sure you will win. Ponies usually want to be
“You think so?” the Mayor asked.
“I am sure of it”, I told her as she paid for the drink and went out.
Well, as it turns out, I was a bit wrong. Ponies seem to have wanted Starlight to win and, considering her speech about happiness, I wasn’t surprised. However, once Ms. Glimmer got into office she barely stayed for a few days. As it turns out the Mayor has next to no jurisdiction in passing laws or doing pretty much anything, without consulting the princess.
This got her angry and she simply stepped down, two months into her regime. The old Mayor was reelected and everything returned to normal.
That’s the great comedy of life. When we are ready for a change, the once that are in charge of that change are not all too keen for it. And vice versa.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a crab. Yes, a crab. I am not even kidding.
I stared at the crab and the damn thing stares right back at me with its demented yellow eyes.
“Wait a sec”, I thought to myself, “Crabs don’t….”
Before I even finished that thought, the crab’s shell splits right open and out comes confetti. At this point I knew who it was. I mean, there was only one creature insane enough to pull a stunt like this.
The confetti suddenly starts swirling around, forming the draconequus shape. In mere seconds, Discord popped out of the confetti, laughing maniacally while lightning struck all around him. Suffice to say it caused a fire and all of my customers evacuated as fast as they could.
“OI!” I yelled, as I attempted to put out the fire “What did I tell you about indoor lightning?!”
“Relax,” Discord waved his talon, causing the fire to become nothing more than dazzling sparkles, “I just wanted to make things more fun around here. Plus, all those nosy eyes were rather unnecessary.”
As he said that a pair of eyeballs with a nose floated around his head. It even sniffed my moustache.
“Bug off, you bugger,” I shooed at the abomination. Discord laughed and just ate it. I tried to shake the memory out of my mind.
“So, what’ll it be?” I asked the crazed draconequui, while trying to straighten my bowtie. I paid good money for that thing and the last I needed was this bloak messing it up.
“I’ll have the fillybuster slamdunker, please”, Discord said. I had absolutely no idea what the hay he was talking about.
He must have noticed my confusion because he appeared right besides me, all gussied up in, what appeared to be, my outfit. He even had my moustache!
“Let’s see what you got here”, he said and started taking out bottles from my precious alcohol shelf. He snapped his tail and conjured upa cauldron in which he began pouring those bottles. I can’t recall what exactly he took, but I noticed that he took some absinthe, vodka, beer, snail sludge (it’s surprisingly marketable if you say it has cleansing properties to the body), beer and some of my unidentifiable liquids that have been here for over a year and have probably spoiled by now. I call them ‘Vintage flavors’.
He began to mix all these beverages together, all the while throwing in some green, black and orange goo, that I had never seen before.
“And for the crème de la crème”, he said and ripped my moustache right off. I was furious, but it grew back in just three seconds. Yeah, it does that at times.
His attire changed from fake bartender to fake chef as he cooked up his concoction and served it to himself.
“And that, my dear Angelo, is a fillybuster slamdunker”, he said and started to eat his drink. Trust me; I stopped asking about it when he began.
“So, what brings you to my tavern?” I asked.
“I am in a bit of a pickle, shall we say”, Discord said, while appearing to be literally stuck inside a pickle.
“What’s wrong?” I asked “Is Fluttershy being to nice to you again?”
He snapped his fingers together and a goat stood atop my head. I just smirked.
“You’re losing your touch,” I joked.
“It’s that stupid Ahuizotl,” Discord yelled “He’s been messing up my game ever since he got here!”
“Wait, Ahuizotl is in Ponyville?” I exclaimed surprised “When did that happen?”
“It was something Daring Do petitioned for,” Discord said resentfully “Apparently those tree hugging hippies that protected Ahuizotl wanted better treatment for him and all of a sudden MY Fluttershy has to take care of him! It’s enough I had to deal with Mr. Spoiledbunny, but now I have this oversized fleabag taking my spot”, he exclaimed furiously.
I could see actual steam coming out of his nostrils.
“Here you go”, I said and handed him a bucket of ice. Discord just stuck his face inside and it immediately evaporated.
“Now that you cooled off, can’t you get Ahuizotl out of Fluttershy’s cottage?” I asked.
“Well, I do have one way,” Discord said maliciously “I noticed that Ahuizotl still misses his villain days. He’s just pretending to be a good guy to use Fluttershy.”
“Like you did,” I interjected.
He looked at me bemusedly and snapped his fingers, zipping my mouth shut.
“Now if I could just…” Discord thought for a second as a light bulb flashed upside his head. As soon as he got the idea, Discord opened up a vortex and exited.
It only took him three seconds, before he came back. He snapped his fingers and unzipped my mouth and tossed me a bag of, what I thought were bits.
As he left I opened it up. It was filled with beetles. Classic Discord.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my more bizarre customers, Ahuizotl.
Now, Ahuizotl is a creature that I always had a difficulty of describing. To me he looked like a cross between a cat and a gorilla with a monkey paw. But, hey that’s just me.
However, the worst thing about him is that he always, and I do mean always, brings his posse of feral minions wherever he goes. They always chase away my customers.
As he sits down, I noticed how depressed he looked.
“So, what’l it be, Mr. Zotl?” I asked him.
“Milk for the cats and a White Russian for me”, he said.
I gave the cats the drink. The tiger, lynx and the cheetah were rather calm, although the panther did growl at me. However, that mangy white
“Razor Tooth, heel!” Ahuizotl yelled to the cat “That’s a bad kitty!”
The cat let go off my face. My tux was in ruins, my mane was ruffled up, but my moustache was alright. I call that a win.
“So, what bothers you, Mr. Zotl?” I asked.
“I got into a fight with Fluttershy,” he said depressingly.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Well,” he began “I was just walking down, plotting my new plan, when all of a sudden I saw a map on the ground. It was a treasure map of the legendary draconequus, Drizzlecurd.”
I chuckled. You have to hand it to Discord. When he wants to mess with somepony, he will mess with them big time.
“Go on,” I said.
“Apparently, whoever posses this treasure, holds the fate of the world in his paws,” Ahuizotl yelled with a greedy glint in his eyes “And I couldn’t let an opportunity like that fall in the hooves of that meddling Daring Do!”
“Of course,” I said.
“I began following the map to a tee, preparing to steal that treasure once and for all, “ Ahuizotl claimed.
“Did you succeed?” I asked.
“Well yes and no,” Ahuizotl scratched the back of his head “As it tunred out the ancient treasure was in Fluttershy’s cottage. She caught me digging beneath it and, long story short, she got upset.”
“Ouch!” I proclaimed.
“It got really messy, so I ad to leave for a bit”, Ahuizotl said, “I’m going in there right now to try and make things right. I am even ready to give up my treasure hunting, if it would please her,” he said and gulped down his White Russian.
“Really? Her friendship means that much to you?” I asked.
“What can I say?” he said as he paid for the drink and prepared to leave “That mare has a strange influence on all of us.”
I nodded my head and wished him good luck. I tell you, Fluttershy is one of the most influential mares in this town. If it reduces the villain count in the city, I am all for it.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes a mare I had not expected to see, Sunset Shimmer.
Now, Sunset was once a villain, but, similar to Luna, she got better. Apparently, Rainbow magic can cure evil as well. Who knew?
Also, I used to hve a thing for her. I don’t know what it is, but her red and yellow firey mane just speaks fascinated me. This mare was quite through a lot and she always had interesting stories to tell.
So she walks in and, as she sits by the bar, I notice she had some nates written down.
“Good mornin’ to ya Ms. Shimmer”, I say to her and she smiles in acknowledgment. Man that smile could start wars, I tell ya.
“What’ll it be today?” I asked her.
“Just some ice tea would be nice,” Sunset said to me.
“One ice tea coming right up,” I said and poured her the drink.
As I handed it over to her, I couldn’t help, but wonder what were those notes about.
“Would you mind if I ask you something, MS. Shimmer?” I said.
“I guess not,” Sunset replied “What’s on your mind?”
“What are those notes of yer for?” I asked.
“Oh these things?” she said “Well, I’ve been asked to speak at a villains reformation conference this evening. Since I am a reformed villain I will
“Really?” I asked “well what’s your speech about?”
“Oh, you know, the usual,” she replied with an awkward smirk “My work with the Rainbooms and my study of their magic. It’s been really
“Sounds riveting;” I replied.
“It is,” Sunset replied “But it’s going to be hard. After all, I am speaking right after Discord. No matter what happens, I will be certainly
“Pesha!” I exclaimed “How can anything overshadow a sunset?” I tried my hoof at a joke. Sunset raised an eyebrow and gave me one of those pitty smirks.
“Any way, I am sure you will do just fine,” I said trying to save face “You’ve become an amazing pony in these past few months you were gone. You’re going to kill it!”
“Thanks, Angelo,” she said with a smile “You’re a good colt!” she winked at me and left the money for the iced tea.
I took the money and waved her goodbye.
I would like to tell you how she completely nailed the speech and how we got married and lived happily ever after, but that would be a complete lie. And I am nothing, if not honest.
Basically what happened is that Discord took over the entire show. Sunset’s speech didn’t bomb, but every eye was pointed at Discord through the entire night. By the end of it, Sunset returned to her own world and that was the last I saw her. At least in my bar.
Life’s stupid sometimes.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
‘Ello there. My name is Angelo, but you may know me as ‘the bartender guy who knows stuff about ponies’. For the past few months I have entertained with fascinating secrets about some of Ponyville’s biggest celebrities. Well, I think it’s about the time that I finally tell you about the origins of the Hay Palace and how I came to be the pony I am today.
You see a long, long, time ago I was nothing more but a student, fresh out of the ‘Hoofsdale University Of Psychological studies’, a very highly sought institution that gave me a nice piece of toilet paper once I walked out of it. I was hardly the crème de la crème of this school, so I was just slumped back to the unemployment barn the second I left. With barely any tangible skills I was let out in this kingdom we call Equestria.
It was pretty bad at first; I am not going to lie to you. I barely had the essentials to live, but I was still optimistic about my chances. I still believed that my little diploma would one day bring me the fame and fortune I so desperately desired.
As my parents stopped sending me the money, I began searching for a place that would hire me. At the time, I thought that a leaky roof over my head was better than no roof at all so I had to find some place to earn the bits to keep mine.
For five months I searched all around Hoofsdale, but nopony seemed to be hiring. I was no good for hoof labor, seeing as how I was lacking quite a lot in the muscle department, and for any other job I was either under qualified or overqualified, depending on the type of profession.
My bits were slowly fading away until the dreaded day came when my parent’s wealth went dry and I was evicted from the dingy, leaky roofed, motel I called home.
With only four bits left I ventured out, crushed and devastated by the cruelty of this oh so beautiful kingdom. I wandered out of the Hoofsdale motel and just traveled the road, using the remaining two bits of my funds to pay for a train ride to Ponyville.
I figured that a quiet town like that would be a better scenery change for me and since I lost everything else, might as well try. With only two bits and a hay sandwich I sat in my train compartment and looked out of the window.
As I sat, contemplating whether or not this was a bright idea in the first place, an important looking stallion came in. The stallion was wearing a dark black blazer with a puffy white shirt beneath and a red bow tie around his neck.
Sure, he looked a bit strange, but the strangest feature, was that monocle of his. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It really did feel like he was peering into my soul with that thing.
The old business pony smied at me politely and offered me a flask. I looked at it and then back at him with a puzzled look on my face.
“Would you like some?” he asked.
“That depends. Is it poisonous?” I asked.
“If you drink too much, it could be,” the pony said with a friendly smile “but under smaller doses it really helps to ease up the nerves and you really look like you could use it.”
I was still skeptical, but this stranger seemed to be persistent and I didn’t want to appear rude. I took the small flask from his hooves and gulped in the strange liquid.
The powerful taste of the elixir hit me like a rock as I felt an instant rush in my entire body. My face spazzed out as I unleashed some sort of a weird sound.
“Hoowee, you chugged like a real pro there, son,” the old stallion chuckled as he slapped his knee.
“What was in that thing?” I asked as I still try to recuperate from the potent potion.
“It’s just some good old vodka my friend,” the old stallion continued.
“Vodka?” I asked.
“Mhm;” the stallion nodded his head “I figured you’d need something with a bit of a punch to open up. Now tell me, son, what worries you?”
I was quite taken back by his blunt approach. I barely knew this guy and he was already making friendly chitchat with me like we were best buds or something.
“Well, not that it’s any of your business,” I began “but I am going through a bit of a rough patch in my life right now.”
“What do you mean?” he asked me with a concern look n is face.
“Let’s just say I am a homeless and jobless student who really should have done more farm work when he had the chance to do so,” I sighed.
The stranger offered me his flask once more. I took it out of his hooves and sipped once more. For some reason, the strange liquid seemed to be doing wonders for me.
As I sipped, the old stallion smiled at me once more.
“Well, son, I think I may be able to help you out a bit here,” the old stallion said cryptically.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“As it happens, I run a local Ponyville restaurant called ‘The Hay Palace’ and we are in a desperate need of some help around the place,” he explained to me.
“So you want me?” I asked, confused by his offer.
“Yuppers,” the old stallion replied “You will get a steady paycheck of three hundred bits a month and a nice room to lay your head.”
“But what would I do?” I asked.
“Well, mostly small things,” the old stallion explained “Mop the floor, tend to the bar, nothing too much.”
“Sounds like a dream come true,” I joked “but why in all of Equestria would you pick me for the job?”
“Let’s just say that I have quite the eye when it comes to these things,” the pony said mysteriously as our train pulled up to the stop.
As we left the train station the old pony led me to a very rustic looking building on the edge of Ponyville. Even though it looked to be as old as Equestria itself, it still had a certain charm to it. The dark brown oak wood really made it stood out amongst the plain pink bricked houses that surrounded. On top of the old house was a sign on which was written, in cursive, ‘Welcome to Hay Palace’. As I walked in, the old stallion showed me to my room.
“Well, it isn’t much, but it is homey enough, I suppose,” the old pony showed me to a room where there was a small bed, a nightstand and a closet.
“It’s still roomier than the motel one I can tell you that,” I commented with a smirk. The old pony let out a hearty laugh.
“Well, you best settle in,” the old man said and yawned “As for me, I am going to hit the hay as well.”
“Wait,” I yelled out “I never got your name.”
The old pony bonked himself over the head with his hoof.
“oh my, I am getting more and more forgetful these days,” he laughed “My name is Haytings P. Martini, but you can just call me Mr. Hay” he said.
“Alright, Mr. Hay,” I said “Well, I am…”
“Angelo, I know,” the old stallion said with a smile.
I was stunned.
“How do you know my name?” I asked in panic.
“It’s all in the eyes;” Haytings responded mysteriously and left.
Only later did I find out what the old bastard meant by that, but I am getting ahead of myself.
Anyway, for the next few weeks I was having a jolly good time. I would tend to the bar by day and by night I would clean up the joint so it would look nice and spiffy. It was an easy job and I couldn’t be happier to do it.
I even got to use my psychology degree as ponies would, from time to time, tell me some of their private problems and I would offer them solutions to them. It seemed to really help a lot of them and they would leave a heftier tip to me when I did so.
Then one day something changed.
I was just sitting there, tending bar, when in came the most important pony in my life, Mr. Hay.
He was much more serious than usually as he looked around, nervosly seizing down the customers that surrounded him. Once the last of
“What’ll it be, Mr. Hay?” I asked the old stallion.
“Wy do I need to drink anything?” he asked me. I knew very well what he was doing, so I played along.
“Well you don’t, but I find that, in my profession, people are much more open when they have a drink,” I said smugly.
“HA HA HA!” Mr. Hay laughed “You’re a quick learner,” he said and took out his flask.
“Well I had a great tutor,” I smiled politely.
Mr. Hay waved his hoof and took a sip out of his flask.
“Ahh, that’s good,” he said and wiped his face with his hooves.
“So what brings you back here at these hours?” I asked.
Mr. Hay suddenly turned grim serious.
“Angelo, I will be honest with you,” he said and took in a deep breath “I am a very lonely man. And my life is drawing soon to an end,” he
“Oh don’t say that Mr. hay,” I said “I am sure you will live at least another decade or so.”
“Maybe, but still,” Haytings breathed in “I am getting too old to run this business. It’s just too much stress for me and I think someone younger should take over” Mr. Hay smiled at me.
“Me?”I asked.
“Well, of course,” Mr. Hay replied “You know the ins and outs of this joint. Not to mention that your advice giving is really hitting it off out there. Ponies sometimes come in here just to talk to you,” he continued.
I was pretty much blushing at this point.
“However, there is still one more thing that you don’t know,” Mr. Hay said mysteriously.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Come with me, I’ll show you,” Mr. Hay took me by the hoof. He led me down to a locked door with an oval indent on it. He took off his monocle and placed it in the oval indent.
As the energy surged from the monocle, I quickly realized that it was some sort of a magical device. I looked in awe as the door unlocked and I was shown a whole different world.
It was so surreal to see this whole other dimension populated solely by some weird, hairless, two legged creatures. Behind one of the two legged beasts stood a wide array of beverages, much like we had back at the ‘Hay Palace’.
Mr. Hay waved nonchalantly at the creature behind the counter and closed the door.
I began to hyperventilate as Mr. hay calmed me down.
“What was that thing?” I asked in horror.
“That was a human, Angelo ,” Mr. Hay told me “You see, a few years back, I found out about this place quite accidentally. It was around the time I was your age when I made an investment in this bar. On the first glance, it didn’t seem quite glamorous, but it was a starting point. As I was just cleaning it up, I found this monocle hidden away in of the drawers,” he said and pointed to his monocle “It was this item that allowed me to see into the minds of everypony and to feel when they are being troubled. That’s why I told you ‘it’s all in the eyes’,” Mr. hay explained.
“Okay,” I said “but what does it all have to do with these human thingies?” I asked impatiently.
“well,” Mr. Hay continued “As it turns out the monocle also served as a portal key between our world and their world which I only figured out after I used it, as a joke, to open the basement door. I spent years living with the humans and studying their ways of making these elixirs we have here. And now I want to pass down the torch,” he said and handed me over the monocle.
“Are you sure about this? I mean, what if I don’t know what to do?” I asked in panic.
“I will still be here to guide. I will help to introduce you to the human world and their ways of making the potions we serve here. And once you’re ready, I will make you my heir,” Mr. Hay smiled and gave me a hug.
“I will not let you down,” I said and hugged him.
Twenty years have gone since that day. Twenty long difficult years of learning to communicate with the human species, to establish a powerful trade with them and to learn all the laws and regulations to which we abide here. I still can’t believe it’s been that long. And today I stand here, alone, baring all the secrets to you.
Mr. Hay has long since passed. His death came to him in his sleep and whisked him away down to the river Styx, never to be awakened again. It still puts a tear in my eye whenever I think of how much he had helped me.
My life wouldn’t be nearly like this if it weren’t for him. It just goes to show you what a little kindness and some future foresight can bring to a man.
My name is Angelo and this has been my last confession.
The ‘Hay Palace’ will still stand, more ponies will still trott through these halls and I will still be here to greet them all with a warm smile and a cold drink.
Author's Note
As always big thank yous all around to the wonderful community that has given me the opportunity to make this piece go for as long as it did. You guys offered me some great support and your comments were just wonderful. i hope you all had a great time reading this and that, at least, it made you chuckle a few times. It was never suppose to be aserious thinkpiece but just a compilation of silly little jokes. I hope you have enjoyed this last confession about the man himself and I will see you all in my next literary exploit. Stay and remember: Drink at the Hay Palace for the ultimate experience
So I am sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony I haven’t seen in a long time, Tirek.
Now, I thought Tirek was still in Tartarus, so this was a bit of a shock for me. He sat there and ordered his usual drink, ethanol alcohol.
So I handed him his drink and ask “Mr. Tirek, aren’t you supposed to be in Tartarus?”
He looked at me groggily and said “I got out on probation”.
“Probation?” I ask, confused by his reply.
“Yeah”, Tirek sighed, “It’s one of Celestia’s bright ideas. Apparently, instead of reforming us villains, Celestia wants us to become productive members of society, so she handed us all different jobs around Ponyville”.
“Oh really?” I said, surprised that the princess would do something like that. I mean the old gal hasn’t been really known for the most reasonable decisions lately, but this seemed a bit too wild, even for her.
“Yeah”, he replied, “I mean have you seen Chrysalis lately? Even she is forced to work as a babysitter. It’s really degrading”, he said and took a sip out of his drink.
Suddenly it was starting to make sense.
I mean, leave it to Celestia to give the villains an appropriate job.
“So what did she give you to do?” I asked Tirek.
He gave off a small smirk and gulped one more time out of his drink.
“I am a divorce lawyer”, he said smugly.
“A divorce lawyer?” I asked, surprised by his happiness.
“Yeah”, Tirek said, nodding his head proudly, “It’s a really satisfying job too”.
“What do you mean?” I asked him, still confused by his pride.
“Well”, Tirek began, “You know how I used to suck magic out of ponies in order to gain more power?”
“Yeah, I’m quite familiar with it”, I replied.
“Well, as it turns out, being a divorce lawyer lets you do that, legally”, Tirek replied.
Naturally, I looked at him skeptically, because I didn’t really see how he could do that.
Suddenly his phone rang.
“Ah, another satisfied customer”, Tirek said as he picked up his phone. “I hear your plight, but I am afraid there is nothing I can do for you. You have to pay up”, Tirek spoke.
And as he was talking to someone on the other line, I could see a stream of yellow energy coming from the cellphone and into Tirek’s mouth.
Once the person on the other line hung up, the stream of energy stopped. Tirek returned to his table and gave me a sly wink.
“Isn’t the princess going to find out?” I asked, stunned by his display.
“As long as I provide a service to the society she won’t”, he said. He then paid for his drink, adding a few bits extra so this is just between us, and left.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes somepony that I have seen quite a lot in these parts, Berry Punch.
Now, Berry Punch is one of my biggest regulars and she always leaves a hefty tab in her wake, so I was quite pleased when I saw her walk through the door. Hey, she’s one of my main providers.
So she sits down and I notice how restrained she looks like.
“Oi, Ms. Punch, what’ll it be?” I asked her.
“Sparkly water, please”, she says under her breath.
I was a bit taken back by this.
So I poured in her drink.
“Can I ask you something Ms. Punch?” I said to her.
“Sure thing”, she said.
“Well, I don’t mean to butt in to your personal life”, I said to her, “but why have you ordered sparkly water? I mean, you usually take some heavier stuff”.
“Well”, she began, “Something happened last time I got drunk, so I am laying off the sauce for a while”.
“Oh really”, I said, “What did you do?”
“Well”, she said, “You know how, when I get a little tipsy, my character judgment goes out of the window?”
“Yeah”, I said.
“Well”, she said awkwardly, “Three weeks ago I crossed into human world and really got hammered”.
“How hammered are we talking about?” I interjected.
“So hammered that I woke up in a weird hotel room with some guy”, she said.
“It couldn’t have been that bad”, I said.
“Oh yeah”, she said with an annoyed look, “Let me paint you a picture: the room was so dirty that cockroaches and rats were nesting in the corners. Not to mention the guy was really muscular and annoying. He kept bragging about his ‘swagger’ and that he ‘lifts so much I couldn’t even handle it’. I mean who brags about such arbitrary stuff”, she said.
I nodded my head in agreement.
“Not to mention that the big twit seemed to have been completely self centered”, she continued her tirade, “I mean he complimented himself more than he did me! It was like I wasn’t even there”, she explained, “But even that’s not the true reason I completely stopped drinking”.
“What could possibly top that?” I asked.
“I remember that I actually fought a homeless guy for a bottle of moonshine”, Berry said, “Once you hit that point in your life, you pretty much are obligated to rethink your life”, she finished off her drink and left me the money.
That day I learned that we all could get away from our bad habits.
At least for a while, since she did return to her drink just two months ago, but it was notably less than before, so, hey, even that’s something.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when all of a sudden I hear loud yelling coming from outside my restaurant.
I trot out to see what all the commotion was about.
“Sweet Luna they better not…” I thought to myself.
Unfortunately, my suspicions were more than confirmed when I saw those two candy cane colored bloaks yelling out there. The FlimFlam bug was back.
Now, these two bloaks have been a very big burden on my back for the longest time. They tried to sell me cider, which, as I discovered later on, was non alcoholic, some weird potion thingy. It’s no secret that these two were always up to no good.
Though I have to give Flam some credit, he does have one heck of a moustache. It almost rivals my own.
As soon as I stepped out I heard the blasted sing songy voice of Twidllescam and Twidlletheft over there.
“Come right come all and experience the best drink in all of Equestria,” Flim yelled.
“This is going to make women more attractive and men all the stronger,” Flam yelled.
I pushed through the crowd of gullible idiots to get to the two scammers.
“What’s all this about then?” I asked as I saw the two smiling pleasantly.
“Well, tell the nice pony, brother,” Flim said with a smug smile.
“Why thank you, oh brother of mine,” Flam responded and held out a bottle of what seemed to be moonshine “This majestic concoction is about ten times more delicious then any beverage you have ever tried in your life. It’s about as strong as Everclear with none of its powerful
“I highly doubt it,” I responded
“You here that Flim,” Flam spoke to his brother “He’s questioning our superior brewing abilities!”
“I think he is just scared of a little competition,” Flim responded back and poured in a glass of their brew “Here’s one on the house old man.
As I took that glass in my hooves I tasted the liquid. It was savory, tasty, but something was off. It tasted a bit too metallic.
“Well you clearly defeated me,” I said to the two “but do tell me where did you make this exquisite beverage?”
“A good businessman never reveals their secrets,” Flim said contently.
“Yeah, I can tell bathtub moonshine when I taste one,” I said to them smugly “So why don’t you drop the act and let me see your machine. Or do you want me to get the authorities on your flanks.”
The two brothers were flabbergasted. They tried to weasel their way out of this, but the townsfolk had already surrounded them.
“May I see?” I asked again.
Flim was furious, but he opened up his backdoor. It unveiled a bathtub filled to the brim with moonshine. And by the looks of it, it was quite contaminated, which gave off the metallic taste.
“Just as I thought,” I said and turned over their bathtub.
“What are you doing?!” Flam exclaimed “That was going to make us millions!”
“It was going to kill millions as well!” I yelled back at them “What did you use to cover up the taste?”
“Just this,” Flim showed me a bottle of jeroba berry juice. Their taste must have been what gave off those savory notes
I facehoofed.
“You do realize those berries can cause severe nausea and diarrhea, right?” I asked disappointedly.
The townsfolk rightfully gasped. They were about to turn on them, but all of a sudden Flim turned to Flam.
“It seems we have overstayed our welcome here, brother!” he yelled to Flam.
“Time to pack it and jam it!” Flam replied and teleported the two into the Everfree forest.
Last I heard they were trying to scam ponies of Las Pegasus in some street tricks. They have been much better at that.
Just goes to show you that you can’t g head to head with the gin master himself and his impeccable moustache.
You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.
