“Hello?... Hello-oo?... Is this thing on? I knew I should’ve fixed this stupid microphone... Hello-oo, can anypony hear me?”
“Hello?”
“... Hello?”
“Hey, Tia, it’s just me!”
“... Oh, hey there, Cadence! How’re you doing? Can you hear me? Is this thing on?”
“I can hear you – it’s working fine!”
“Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been having trouble with this computer all week! I’ve been hinting heavily to Luna to get me a new one, but I don’t know if –”
“Hah! I knew that’s what you were doing!”
“... Luna? Is that you?”
“Hello, all!”
“Hey L—”
“Uggghhh, you lurker, Luna... So now you know.”
“Yes, Sister, and I already told you no. If you want a new one, buy it yourself.”
“Ugh. It’s my birthday soon, Luna...”
“I’ve already bought you your gift, Sister.”
“Hmph. Thanks, I guess.”
“You should be more grateful, Tia! Oh, and I’ve got you a gift as well!”
“Thank you, Cadence, for the advice and for the gift.”
“No problem.”
“Wait, so is this it?”
“Is this what, Luna?”
“Just us three?”
“Oh, I spoke with Sombra the other day. He can’t make it – he’s been really busy these past few days.”
“Busy? With what?”
“He wouldn’t tell me...”
“Hah! Probably plotting to seize back the Crystal Em—”
“This again? Luna and I already told you: we’ve had enough of ‘Celestia’s conspiracy theories’ for at least another century.”
“Huh. He probably is, you know.”
“Probably is what, Sister?”
“Plotting to take back the empire.”
“He’s not, Tia; he’s a softer soul than you’d think.”
“The unicorn who held captive an entire empire, made slaves of its ponies, and cursed it to disappear off the face of the earth for a thousand years has a softer soul than I give him credit for?”
“Um... pretty much.”
“Why do I find that hard to believe?”
“Hehehehehehehehehe... This really is priceless...”
“Tirek?!”
“Hey, Tirek!”
“Hello, Cadence. How are you?”
“I’m g—”
“Tirek? I thought you told me your computer was broken!”
“It was... sort of...”
“How could it ‘sort of’ be broken?”
“Cerberus chewed the keyboard a little. I didn’t want to have a chewed keyboard, and so I lied and said the whole computer was broken to try and get you to send me a new one.”
“A new keyboard?”
”No, a new computer.”
”A new computer?!”
“Well, this one is pretty old...”
“I can barely afford my own!”
“Which is why she wants me to buy her a new one!”
“Luna! He doesn’t need to know that!”
“Oho! Placing your needs first and foremost again, I see, Celestia. And what of myself? Unfairly ignored and left to rot in a foul dungeon with nothing but a sub-standard desktop computer for company –”
“Hey! You did steal pretty much all the magic in Equestria.”
“Not to mention the flight, too!”
“And the strength!”
“Yes, thank you, Luna and Cadence.”
“Ladies, ladies. It’s in my nature to do the worst I can do. And that purple friend of yours stopped me in the end anyway, so no harm done.”
“But still. What would it look like for us if we let you wander about the streets of Canterlot, free and unpunished?”
“Yes, well... I suppose it would look a little suspicious...”
“Fiddlesticks! I did raise the moon, right?”
“Yes, you did, Luna – I can see it from my window.”
“Whew! For a second there, I thought –”
“And that’s another thing! I don’t even know what time of day it is down here! And it’s cold too!”
“Well, I’ll send you down a blanket, then, shall I?”
“A blanket would be most welcome, your Highness.”
“Hmph. Anything else?”
“... The food isn’t great...”
“Hey! You eat more than your fair share! The other prisoners have to eat too, you know!”
“What other prisoners? You know fine it’s just me down here!”
“... Fair point.”
“Oh!”
“What is it, Cadence?”
“Sombra just messaged me!”
“What did he say?”
“Hey, I wanted to ask that!”
“Quiet, Luna!”
“Hmm. He’s travelling.”
“Travelling? Where?”
“Doesn’t say...”
“Again? Why is he so secretive?”
“And you are not, Sister?”
“What in Equestria do you mean, Luna?”
“You never tell me anything! And you never tell Cadence anything either!”
“That’s ridiculous! You and Cadence are the first ponies I turn to with my feelings!”
“With your feelings, yes, but you never actually talk about anything else! We’re supposed to be running a nation here! And all we do when we call an ‘official meeting’ is sit quietly and drink tea together!”
“But you like drinking tea together, Luna!”
“Yes, but that’s not the point! You’re basically running the show by yourself! What do you need us for?”
“Well, you raise the moon... and you rule the Crystal Empire, Cadence!”
“Shining Armor does, you mean. I just smile and wave and take care of ceremonial stuff. I know how Twilight feels sometimes.”
“Don’t mind me, ladies. If at any time you wish to include me, I shan’t be going anywhere –”
“Oh, shut up, Tirek.”
“Hmm. And that’s another thing, Sister. Cadence is right: you do seem to put a lot of trust in Shining Armor.”
“Well, he’s trustworthy, isn’t he? And Cadence doesn’t have the time to do everything.”
“I’ve got plenty of time, Tia, believe me.”
“And you do spend a lot of time talking to Shining Armor as well...”
“Oh, not this again.”
“Shining Armor and Celestia, Shining Armor and Celestia, Shining Armor and Celestia, Shi—”
“Kindly shut up, Luna; that’s my husband you’re shipping.”
“Sorry, Cadence! It was just a joke! And anyway, we both know my sister’s taken.”
“What are you talking about, Luna?! I am not taken!”
“Oh, really? Discoooooord! I’m –”
“Shut up!”
“My, my, we’ve hit a nerve.”
“Hehehehe, ladies, this really is hilarious –”
“Shut up, Tirek!”
“Oh, come now, Celestia; they were only joking.”
“I do not find this funny!”
“Sorry, Sister. It was just for fun.’
“... Wait, so what are we talking about now?”
“Aww, we’re going back to talking? Shame! I was enjoying that! It does get a little humourless in the depths of Tartarus, after all.”
“If you’re trying to make me feel guilty, Tirek, it’s not working.”
“Clearly.”
“We were talking about how my sister does everything whilst we do nothing.”
“Ah yes. That was it.”
“But I don’t –”
“Well, how about we look at it this way: if we do nothing and get told nothing, then how little does Twilight do and get told?”
“Good point, Luna!”
“She’s literally a puppet on your hoof, Sister.”
“That is nonsense! I leave Twilight completely to her own devices to spread the magic of friendship!”
“Pffffftt ahahahahahahah!”
“It is not funny, Tirek! It’s the truth!”
“Oh, please, Celestia. Take the time when she stopped me, for example! You aggravated her by giving Discord the task of recapturing me even though you knew I would corrupt him. Then you gave her not only your own magic but the magic of your fellow princesses and told her to hide it. Twilight? Hide? As if! You knew she would attack me! And hey, your plan worked too! Although I’m not exactly pleased it did, I must admit.”
“But Twilight didn’t stop you with our alicorn magic! It was with the magic of friendship!”
“Pffft. Details.”
“He does make a fairly good case, Sister.”
“I’m with Luna on that one.”
“What? That’s – that’s ridiculous! So much was left to chance there! I didn’t know that the chest contained such magic!”
“I bet you did though.”
“Luna! Whose side are you on, anyway?”
“Sorry, Sister.”
“This is ludicrous! I refuse to hear such allegations! I do not rule this nation by myself, I am not secretly in love with Shining Armor or Discord, Twilight is not my puppet, and I do not plan every single thing that goes on in Equestria!”
“Well –”
BOOM! Znnnnng!
“What is that?!”
“... H – e – llo?”
“Hello?”
“... H – ello?”
“... Chrysie, is that you?”
“H – ell – o?” Crrrrrk! ”Cadence? So – rry –” Crrrrrrk! ”It’s a – bad connection –”
“Is that Chrysalis?”
“Huh. What do you think? Yes, Tirek, it is.”
“Well, hello there!”
“H – ello –” Crrrrrrk! ”Tir – ek!”
“Speak up, Chrysie; the line’s bad!”
Crrrrrrrk!
“What?”
“Fngl—” Crrrrk!
“It’s not working.”
“Cadence, you know how to fix these things, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I c—” Crrrrrrk!
“Cadence?”
Crrrrrrrk!
“Great. We’ve lost Cadence. You still there, Luna?”
“Yes, Sister.”
“Tirek? Still there?”
“I am.”
“Great. Chrysalis just crashed the line.”
“Uggghhh... Just when things were –” Crrrrrk! “– ge – tting interesting! It does get so lonely down here –”
“Cadence! Cadence, it’s Celestia; can you hear me?”
Crrrrrrrk!
“Huh. No good. Line’s dead.”
“Tirek?”
“Ye—” Crrrrrrk!
“I can’t hear you! Tirek?”
Crrrk!
“Huh. Well played, Chrysalis.”
“Imbl—” Crrrrrk!
“I think they’re all gone, Sister.”
“Do you think I missed that, Luna?”
“Brlsk—” Crrrrrrrrrk!
“... Luna?”
Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
“... Really? It’s completely broken?”
Crrrrrk!
“Luna! Are you there?”
Crrrrrk!
“Huh...”