Being a Princess Has Its Porks
The “package” arrived just after breakfast. “Package” goes in quotation marks, because it was not wrapped in brown paper or packed in a box, or tied with ribbons like a present. It arrived instead on four stubby legs, with a rope around its neck and chewing on a book of postage stamps.
“Good morning, Twilight,” Fluttershy said as she walked into the glistening vestibule of the crystal castle, which still smelled like lemon from Spike’s through scrubbing. Her voice echoed through the tall hallways, unanswered for quite a while.
The “package” snorted loudly and started to paw the floor, spreading streaks of mud as far as the rope would allow. Unfortunately Fluttershy had given him a long rope for good behavior.
Patpatpatpatpatpat!
Spike burst into the hall from the kitchen. He was wearing his frilled apron and a tall chef’s hat. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw it, and his pupils disappeared.
“NOOOOOOO!”
“It’s alright, Spike,” Twilight said gently as she lifted him onto his bed. “I’ll take care of the floor. Just stay here until you feel better, okay?”
Spike was curled up in a foetal position, sobbing into his hands. Twilight tucked him in and went back downstairs.
Fluttershy had pulled in most of the slack and was berating the animal in a half-whispering voice.
It was a rather pretty pig, even Twilight had to admit that. Far, far too big to be cute, but pretty nevertheless. It was covered in a thick coat of shiny bronze hair, which became golden on its belly. A red-speckled ridge of long bristle ran down its back. In its right ear was a single gold ring, and its wrinkly black face had a symmetrical pattern of pink botches almost like a mask.
“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. “This little guy was so nice when the conductor dropped him off last night.”
“The conductor?” Twilight repeated.
“The train conductor,” Fluttershy explained. “It was late, and he didn’t want to disturb you, so he brought the pig to me and told me to bring him here in the morning. He came all the way from Diamondia, the poor dear.”
Twilight did her best to hide her discomfort.
“Well…” she said nervously as her mind raced to find something to say. Finally she settled on the mud streaks. “You know, that… pig… is… dirty! Yeah! You should give him a bath! Have him all clean and shiny for the banquet tonight! I’m sure King Southpaw would love that!”
“Oh, I’m sorry about the mud,” Fluttershy said. “I gave him a bath last night, but he got into a puddle on our way here.”
The pig extended a broad red tongue and gave Fluttershy a slimy lick. The yellow pegasus giggled and gave his neck an affectionate rub.
“Right,” Twilight said, putting a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder and guiding her towards the double door. “Get him cleaned up. He’ll be the life of the party tonight! I can’t wait! Bye!”
Fluttershy was barely past the threshold when Twilight slammed the door. Then she looked at the mess and sighed heavily.
A quick spell on two brooms and a mop took care of the preliminary cleaning. A dirty floor was the least of her problems that day.
Spike was asleep. Twilight left him to recover in peace and went to her desk in the library. There in a loose pile of parchments and envelopes were all the letters ever sent from Diamondia.
Until recently, pony-diamond dog interactions were limited to infrequent kidnappings. That all changed two months ago, when Twilight received a letter from one King Southpaw of Diamondia. After some skepticism several envoys were sent from Canterlot, and a few from Diamondia received. Now the King himself was ready to pay a visit.
Twilight opened the latest letter:
To Princess Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville, Equestria:
I am glad to hear that preparashons preparations for my upcoming visit are going well. I am most excited to experience Equestria’s sofisticated sophisticated culture. However, there is one matter that must be addressed.
As diamond dogs, my companions and I will require meat at our table for the bank wet banquet in Ponyville. I know how ponies feel about these things, and to ensure that this visit does not cause new hostilities between ponies and diamond dogs I will provide my own food. I will send you a pig before my arrival, to be killed, drained and divided on the day of the banquet. I will require an open fire…
Twilight could not read past that. She and Spike had spent the last two weeks looking for someone to do the deed. Every pony, donkey and mule had the same reaction. The search was becoming a huge scandal until Gustave le Grand stood up to the task.
Everything went smoothly after that, until a few minutes ago.
Of all the ponies, why Fluttershy?
Coming back to her senses, Twilight spat out a blob of feathers. In her distress she had somehow chewed through an entire peacock quill.
Owlowiscious half-opened one eye and fluffed his feathers. Sensing some trouble, he tucked his head under one wing.
“Spike!”
“SO MUCH BAKING SODA!”
Twilight ran into the bedroom and hugged Spike until he stopped shaking.
“I cleaned it already,” she said, setting him down on the bed. “Spike, I need you to do something. It’s really important. All of Equestria depends on it!”
“W… what is it?” Spike stammered.
“That pig Fluttershy brought,” Twilight said, her ear twitching wildly. “That’s King Southpaw’s pig for the banquet! You have to get him away from Fluttershy and keep him here until Gustave arrives!”
Spike blinked. Then his eyes narrowed in annoyance.
“That’s it?” He said, crossing his arms. “Twilight, I’m not bringing that thing back here! And how does all of Equestria depend on one pig?”
“Imagine it, Spike!” Twilight pulled Spike close by her side and raised one hoof, pointing to some grim vision of things to come which only she could see. “You know what diamond dogs do to ponies? Ofcourseyoudo! They take ponies to work in their mines! And now a bunch of diamond dogs are going to come to a banquet in their honor and find nothing to eat! King Southpaw will be mad!
“All of Diamondia will come, and then every mare, stallion and foal will be led away in chains! This is the first time Princess Celestia has let me handle a diplomatic event all by myself, and I’m going to destroy Equestria!”
“Uh…” Spike raised a finger, and frowned when Twilight continued to hold her pose. “Twilight! None of that is going to happen!” He struggled out of Twilight’s grip and started pacing a small circle on the floor. “I mean, this King Southpaw sounds like a swell guy. Just look at his letters! I’m sure he’ll…”
“Spike, please!” Twilight whined.
“No,” he said firmly.
“I promise you won’t have to clean up the mess.”
“No!”
Twilight sighed.
“I’ll get you a fire ruby.”
Spike perked up a little. He scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“And I’ll ask Gustave to make you some gem cupcakes while he’s here.”
“Deal!” Spike blurted out, and immediately pounded his forehead.
“Great!” Twilight said with a smile to rival Pinkie Pie’s. “I’ll be in the kitchen! Fluttershy should be back at her cottage! You better hurry!”
“There, Mr Piggleton Pigglety. All clean. Now you stay in your pen and be a good piggy until the banquet, okay?”
Spike curled up even tighter as Fluttershy approached his bush. She passed without a second glance, humming a sweet tune to the songbirds perched on her roof.
The pig stood alone in its isolated pen, towering over the delicate wooden fence. His high, slightly-protruding forehead was perpetually furrowed so that he always seemed grumpy. The small pink pigs in the next pen over were all piled in a corner as far from their neighbor as they could get.
Spike took the rope off the hook on the wall and slowly approached the behemoth, looking over his shoulder periodically. Fluttershy’s yard was full of eyes. A pair of eagles stared down from their nest on a tall post. Rabbits of every colour and pattern stood at attention.
“C… come on, Mr Piggleton… Pigglety,” he said in a low voice as he unlatched the gate and entered the pen.
Perhaps his sharp teeth were to blame. As Spike approached, Mr Piggleton Pigglety started to back away. His black eyes never looked away from his face and never blinked.
Getting a little nervous himself, Spike lunged suddenly. He got the loop under the pig’s chin, but in the rush to finish the job he ended up clambering onto his massive humped back.
Letting out a throaty ground-shaking squeal, Mr Piggleton Pigglety leapt clear over the fence and made a dash for the woods. Spike held on tight to the rope, but the claws of his feet inevitably dug into the pig’s back. Certainly it was a mixed message, and at the moment Mr Piggleton Pigglety was inclined be spurred.
Fluttershy burst out of the cottage with a thoroughly annoyed Angel between her hooves. By then everything that could fly was circling the yard in a feathery tornado. Even the hens put in an effort.
“Mr Pigglety! Stop!”
The pig obeyed instantly. Spike rolled over his massive head and landed on his back. Immediately a big glob of drool fell on his face.
“Spike,” Fluttershy said, quickly pulling him out of harm’s way and propping him up against the nearest tree trunk. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be helping Twilight at the castle?”
“I…” Spike shook his head to stop the world spinning. “Uh… Twilight told me to fetch Mr… Piggleton… Pigglety…”
Now that the shock had passed, Fluttershy looked at Spike doubtfully.
“Why do you need him now?” She asked. “The banquet isn’t till tonight.”
“We… Uh…” Spike looked at the pig, standing in the middle of the yard and slowly gathering a flock of miscellaneous birds on his back. “It’s… You gave him a bath already, and Twilight thought that we could keep him clean! Yeah! The castle’s so clean you can eat off the floor! And here there’s dust and feathers and…”
He was cut short by a strange sensation. Mr Pigglety had snuck up behind him, and was thoughtfully chewing on the tip of his tail.
“Well…” Fluttershy looked long and hard at his face. Spike put on his best smile and waited. “Okay then. If you need anything, just call me. He’s a good pig, but you have to…”
“Thanks!” Spike yelled, already halfway to the gate. He was tugging the rope as hard as he could, nearly walking in place. Mr Piggleton Pigglety seemed to understand his intention, but was determined to do things at his own pace.
They were almost back to town when Fluttershy caught up.
“Spike, wait!”
When Spike turned around, Fluttershy was already tying the giant red ribbon onto the Mr Pigglety’s head. Then she spent an eternity combing, during which time the pig refused to move one step. Poor Spike was stuck treadmilling on the dirt path, his feet digging grooves into the ground as he pulled on the rope.
“Fluttershy,” he groaned at last. “It’s nice and all that you want to make him all pretty, but I really have to get back to the castle.”
“Oh!” Fluttershy gasped, coming out of her trance. “I’m so sorry, Spike. There, I’m done!”
The pig licked her face one last time, and she giggled. Spike felt more and more uncomfortable as he stood there watching. He would not admit it then and there, but Mr Piggleton Pigglety had grown on him.
why does he have to have a name?
“Twilight, I’m… AH!”
Twilight was in the kitchen. When she heard Spike’s voice, she dropped the spatula into the icing bowl. At that moment the ground shook. She stood up; turned to the door; had the thought to run.
A loud ripping sound filled the castle, loud and long and echoing like a bugle blast in the night. It just went on and on for all fifteen feet of the glistening banner.
“SPIKE!”
“It’s not my fault!” Spike exclaimed, pulling on the rope with all the strength he had left. The pig stood on his hind legs, leaning on a crystal pillar in order to reach the bright red banner hung over the staircase.
“Uh… Mr Piggleton Pigglety?” Spike said, and winced when he saw the anger on Twilight’s face.
“You named him?!” She yelled.
“It was Fluttershy!” Spike was half crying now. “Twilight, this is a really bad idea! Maybe we should tell her…”
“No!” Twilight backed off a few steps and put a hoof to her brow. “Okay, we have him here. Gustave will be here on the three o’clock train. Spike, you did well. Just… tie him somewhere and come help me in the kitchen.”
She sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose in disgust.
“Actually, take a bath first.”
Spike was starting to feel relaxed in the scalding bubble bath. Mr Piggleton Pigglety put up a mighty fight when he tried to tie him to the column in the vestibule, and whined loudly when he was left alone with a trough of water. Now he was quiet.
What a blockhead, Spike thought. Good thing he’s not causing any more trouble.
He could hear Twilight working in the kitchen. With Pinkie Pie away for the Party Planners’ Convention in Hoofington, Twilight and Spike had to do their own work. Fortunately Twilight had some experience with big stately events, and the result was not half bad.
Another pot clanked in the kitchen.
“Spike? Is that you?”
The bath suddenly felt icy cold. Spike leapt out of the tub and dashed through the door without a towel, his wet feet skidding across the polished stone floor.
“The Kitchen!” He screamed as he passed the library, catching a glimpse of Twilight standing there with a puzzled look.
Sure enough, Mr Piggleton Pigglety was gone. The rope was still looped around the column, and the floor was covered with water from the overturned tough. Spike saw all this much later; at the moment he was skipping the last five stairs, legs splayed like a hurdler, flying straight towards the open kitchen door.
The next thing he knew he was pasted to the side of a counter and covered in icing and crumbs.
One fact which both he and Twilight had failed to consider was that Mr Piggleton Pigglety had not eaten since breakfast. Perhaps he could be forgiven for succumbing the temptation of the sweet fumes coming from the four ovens in the kitchen, though Spike was not in a forgiving mood.
At the moment Mr Piggleton Pigglety had his face inside an extra large mixing bowl. The folds of his chin were dripping with icing of every colour, and a pink frosting flower had joined the bow on his head.
Twilight encased the pig in her magic, but could not lift him. Meanwhile Spike grabbed the bowl, but Mr Piggleton Pigglety snapped at the last second and managed to cling onto its edge. He grunted angrily and tried to climb onto the counter, cracking it instead.
“Hullo! Prinzess Twilight! It iz I, Gustave le Grand, here to help you!”
“In here, Gustave!” Twilight said, hurrying to help Spike in his hopeless tug-of-war.
Gustave crossed the hall very slowly. Each step of his padded feet was accompanied by the rattling of heavy instruments and a bout of cursing. Twilight and Spike exchanged worried looks.
Mr Piggleton Pigglety noticed too. His ears flopped back, and he let go of the bowl suddenly. By the time Spike and Twilight got up he was backed against the far wall, his puppy dog eyes darting from one face to the other.
Gustave finally appeared, wearing a white apron made of tough canvas. He smiled and ran his tongue over his beak when he saw the pig.
“Hon hon hon! Zat is a kingly beast, Princess!” he declared, dragging a large and lumpy sack into the kitchen. “Now hold him steady, if you will! They get nervous for ze next part.”
In the blink of an eye Gustave was reared up with a gigantic axe in his hands. In another blink he was on his back with an abundance of icing on his apron.
“Sacrebleu!” He yelled. “Ze Beast has ze fight! Get him!”
Fortunately Gustave had the good sense to close the front door. Mr Piggleton Pigglety squealed frantically as he nudged the door.
“Come here!” Gustave cried, shaking his fist. “You are dinner!”
At this the pig squealed even louder and charged. Twilight threw Gustave aside just before he was trampled. Mr Piggleton Pigglety ran all the way to the other end of the hallway. Twilight locked each door as he reached it, until he stood before two high windows.
“Ve Have him now!” Gustave said, walking slowly towards his cornered prey. Twilight pulled spike close to herself and turned away from the scene that was about to unfold.
Glass rained down on the palace floor, and Twilight turned around. Spike took full advantage of the distraction, pulling free of Twilight’s embrace to look down the hall.
Mr Piggleton Pigglety was struggling to free himself from the bushes under the window. Gustave caught up in an instant, with his gigantic black axe raised overhead. Its edge glistened in the afternoon sun.
“I have you now!” He cried, his voice barely heard over the pig’s frightened squeals.
“STOP!”
Twilight cringed at that voice.
“Stop!” Fluttershy ordered, her scowling face suddenly filling Gustave’s field of view. “Leave Mr Piggleton Pigglety alone, you mean old griffin!”
Twilight looked over her shoulder, but Spike had already slipped quietly upstairs.
“Mademoiselle! T… this is a misunderstanding! I, Gustave le Grand, do not come here for sport! No! I am on business, by ze order of Princess Twilight!”
Meanwhile Mr Piggleton Pigglety had quietly freed himself of the bush and was loitering amongst the growing crowd. The ponies gave him a wide berth, though he seemed utterly contented at that moment.
Fluttershy let go of Gustave’s apron and turned to Twilight. There were angry tears in her eyes as she hovered outside the broken window, just staring.
Twilight sighed in defeat and went to the window. She told her everything then and there: about King Southpaw’s letter; about sending Spike to pick up the pig; about Gustave’s role. Sensing that they were intruding, the crowd dispersed until Mr Piggleton Pigglety stood alone with a dozen or so pigeons pecking crumbs and milk fat off his back.
“I’m so, so sorry, Fluttershy,” Twilight said in conclusion. “I shouldn’t have lied to you. You were so attached to that pig, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’ll never do something like this again.”
Before Fluttershy could respond, a completely new voice spoke.
“Truffles! Come here, Boy!”
Twilight backed away from the window as a gigantic shadow appeared in the street. The pig squealed in delight and ran.
“What’s this? Have you been giving the Princess trouble?”
Twilight cautiously poked her head through the window frame.
A brown diamond dog dressed in a black silk jacket with a high collar was stooped in the street, scratching the pig with his gloved hands. He would have been nearly two storeys tall if he stood. Behind him were other diamond dogs, all of them in plainer formal dress. The crowd was growing again; very few in Ponyville had ever seen a diamond dog before.
“Princess Twilight,” he called, noticing the faces at the window. He stood up and bowed, taking off his cracked crown and twirling it like a hat. “I am King Southpaw of Diamondia. I apologize for what happened here today. It seems one of my servants thought it would be funny to send Truffles, my pet boar, to be slaughtered for tonight’s banquet. I see you had the good sense not to follow through with our agreement in this case.”
“Oh for Peat’s sake!”
Twilight smiled sheepishly while Southpaw looked to the second floor window with a puzzled expression.
“I will do all I can to repair the damage here,” he said after a quick glance into the hall. “I suppose the bonfire is ready at least?”
“Yes, your majesty,” Twilight said. “I’ll… Could you give me five minutes?”
“Of course.” With a wave of his hand Southpaw dismissed his entourage before walking off himself, with Truffles following happily at his heel.
When Southpaw rounded the corner to the front of the castle, Twilight let out a long sigh and fell perfectly limp before the broken window. Fluttershy fell sideways. Gustave sat dumbstruck in the bush. Upstairs, Spike rolled around on his bed, smothering himself with a pillow.
