Innuendo Bingo

“And so it was him, Mark Fareland, who would dare to bring my naive and inexperienced elder sister to-” Luna paused, allowing the jury of well-dressed mares and stallions to swoon and gasp respectively. “immoral and highly coerced fruition of her lower intimate parts!”

“That's a fancy way of saying I ate her out.” Mark pipped up from his chained seat behind the defendant's table. He'd been forced into a striped black and white prisoner's outfit. His wrists and feet cuffed and shackled less he gave in to his relentless libido and attacked any of the gathered ponies today.

After all, he had been interrupted from his corruption of the innocent before his dark need could be... sated.

The human sat alone, his hands clasped together as he refused to give in and massage his forehead to ward away the incoming headache. Celestia had tried to give him many ways out of this mess. Say it was an accident. Say that it wasn't a sexual gesture but some sort of human bonding activity. Say that he had been possessed by a long-defeated foe and Celestia was in the middle of a long and complicated ritual to force out the wicked spirit. Anything but-

“Princess Luna, I ate your sister, Celestia, out.” He said louder, rubbing his thumbs together as the courtroom broke out into a scandalized roar. The judge, a elderly mare with glasses, banged her gavel to no avail. The ponies sitting in the back pews would not shut up, stomping their hooves and demanding justice until a reasonable-sounding voice rose over the noise.

“What does 'ate out' mean?”

Mark took that back that reasonable-sounding remark and replaced it with obtuse idiot.

The human sighed, resting his head back against the metal rusting plank of the chair. “That isn't what's important. What is important is that a certain little sister needs to accept that her big sister has been getting down and busy for quite some time.” He waved his hands. “You all just need to accept it.”

“Of course, she has been getting down and busy!” A stallion from the jury stand shouted. “She's a ruler of this nation. How dare you try to use your foreign and sly words to disrupted this hearing? If I wasn't sure of your true character before, I certainly am now.”

“Are you people serious?” Mark said, dragging his hands down his face. “You ponies use the exact same euphemisms as me. How could this be a hard concept for any of you to understand?”

And then he remembered something Princess Celestia had said the night before, her voice lewd as she rode him into submission in his cell. A quick spell blocking the noise and sight from the guards that were right there when she teleported herself in.

“My ponies and Luna can have a particular hearing problem if you imply that I know more about fulfilling private indiscretions than they expect the average senior citizen know of s-e-x. But if... you.. do... want to get your way... Here's how you do it.”

The rest after that was kind of a blur. A aching, nice blur.

“Do you not understand, my little ponies?” Luna went on as if she hadn't heard him. “That creature, that man sitting right there in this courtroom, had the audacity to bewilder my honest and trusting sister to giving herself to that unwashed orifice he calls a mouth.”

“That's just rude.”

“To have unmade my sister, your princess, into such a compromising state with just his words, lips and those weapons he carries on his hooves-”

“You mean, fingers.” He said, wondering how long was Luna going to continue her rant. “And hands. Don't call them hooves.” Mark leaned forward, resting his head onto his hands. His shackle-clad wrists and ankles jingled as he resettled himself into the metal chair he'd been locked into. "I'm not the only creature on this planet with hands. There are minotaurs, centaurs, griffins-”

“As Equestria goes under changes in this new age, so must the Equestrian law.” Luna stated, pointing a hoof at the flag bearing their nation's insignia as it hung limply in the warm courtroom. Mark made jazz hands. “For the sake of your foremothers that made this country great-”

The alicorn looked like she was about to finish her spiel, her wings flaring as if to make herself seem more imposing. If this whole court thing hadn't started off as a farce, and labeled him as the guilty party, Mark would have willfully agreed to whatever she was saying. Which was, as he's been stuck here for the last two hours, a whole lot of nothing.

Mark rubbed the side of his face and risked a glance into the crowds of ponies sitting in the pews. Princess Celestia was there, tall and divine as always, with a glazed look in her eyes. She had completely zoned out, her occasional swaying shoulders revealing the obnoxious signs of her falling asleep with her eyes open. God damn, it was cute.

He stared at her a little longer before lifting his left hand and banging his shackle onto the wood. Luna continued to ignore him, talking about degrees of upped punishments for flashers and public sexual intercourse. The white alicorn snorted as she woke, a rare and adorable sound anytime else, and returned his gaze. He shrugged. Celestia smiled, three wiggles of her snout communicating all she wanted to say about this whole ordeal. It was four simple words, 'I told you so.'

Mark inclined his head, 'What did she want him to do about it?' And Celestia merely nodded her head, her smile vicious.

He had her permission to go wild.

“Though I am a princess, I forfeited my right of sway for this particular case and have instead, take the role of a prosecutor because I believe that you, Equestrians of a wholesome nation, will do what is right.”

And that about did it. He was taking off the kiddie gloves.

“Luna,” Mark whispered, moving to lean an elbow onto the desk. “I fucked your sister.”

The alicorn froze, the tips of her wings quivering the only sign that she was still alive. A blue feather fluttered to the floor. Hell, she wasn't even breathing, her eyes caught in a mix of horror and cold, crooked denial. Before she could get some sort of rebuttal out, Mark continued.

“And I fucked her last night.”

“Take... Take that back!” She stuttered, marching over to his table until she suddenly caught herself. Her wings fell to her sides and the mare snorted. “Still using your coarse language? Trying to seduce the crowd into letting you say such things about my sister? You and I know you haven't. I've been with my sister since this incident and you've been enjoying comforts of the castle's cells.”

“Yeah, about that.” Mark said, a grin growing on his face. “I lied.”

Luna blinked, the gears in her head cranking to a halt as she seemed to consider his statement.

“Your sister fucked me.”

Mark raised his hands, a tongue sliding ever so slowly across his dry lips. His audience was spellbound, watching his pink tongue roam out of its den.“I fuck her sometimes but she fucks me most of the time.” He made a circle with his right hand and with his left finger proceeded to show the court the intricate nature of casual fucking. “It's a lot smoother that way than me climbing on her fat ass and sinking my meat stick into her underground treasure slot.”

“You insolent-”

“I think I should be the one upset here. You saw me naked, the worst possible state for a human-” Mark threw his hands around himself and let loose a pitiful sob. “And you have yet to apologize for stomping all over my rights for your peep show.”

“What?” Luna exclaimed. “How could you even try to switch-”

“Ponies of this courtroom, may I bring your attention to these clothes I am wearing?” He said, talking right over the mare. “I did not put these clothes on myself. Luna and her set of personal guards forced me into putting these highly suggestive fabrics on for her viewing pleasure. I have yet to be charged with anything but she made me spend the night in the cells, worked over by her goons. I have bruises on my bruises and Luna came by, telling them to keep up the good work.”

The court was silent, all eyes turning to Luna who swiveled on her hooves. “I did that. Yes. But it's nothing like he's implying! It was for the protection of my fellow princess. Did you all not hear how he said he... took my sister?”

“No, I fucked her. That's what I said before I admitted I lied. But she fucks me regularly though.” Mike dismissed her complaints. “If I took your sister in the way that your implying, then I would have used the nastiest of all Equestrian swears. I would have said I rutted her.”

A few ponies murmured their agreement before Luna glared them into silence.

“I think you ponies can tell for yourself what this is really about.” Mark said, grinning even harder. “Princess Luna has an agenda for the court, for all of Equestria. She wants to reintegrate some forgotten law where she can create her sex dungeon and she needs warm bodies to fill it.”

“If you say another lie-”

“What did I do to your sister?” Mark folded his arms. “Does anyone here really know with you dancing around the subject and using fancy words that don't mean anything?”

“You touched her inappropriately.”

“We need details, Princess Luna. What was the inappropriately action?” The human sneered. “I could say fuck all day but it doesn't give a clear picture as to what I've done with your sister unless I'm being specific. So what did I do to your sister?”

“I- I saw what you did.” Luna slammed her hoof down, making a crack into the stone floor. “We both know what you did, you sexual deviant. You- You pleasured her.”

Mark nodded.

“And she was moaning because of it, bobbing up and down to increase her enjoyment of the sexual act.”

Mark nodded harder.

“And that was wrong and somebody should be punished!”

“I'm glad that we've come this far.” The human said, “Especially that you understand that you should be the one punished.”

“What!”

Mark tapped onto his collar, the sun-shaped pendant and the new ring attached right above it. “Oh, Celestia married me late last night, making me a high consort and I've willfully allowed my lawyer to take my place in the judge's seat.”

“She what-”

“I'm thinking three hours of community service to pay for your peeping tom activities and utter waste of the court's time. Case dismissed.”