Five Virgins and a Sex Fiend
by Shivered Timbers
S'mores shots: check! Twilight squealed as she ticked the box. Everything was on track to ensure that First Inaugural Ponyville Castle Royal Sleepover, her first sleepover in the castle with all five of her friends, would be perfect!
Now came the fun part. Checklists aside.
"Okay, everypony. According to chapter fifteen of Slumber 101 -- 'Advanced Tips for the Adult Sleepover' -- it's time to share juicy gossip and participate in other lurid, late-night activities!" She squealed again and clapped her hooves.
"Ooh!" Rarity cooed, scooting toward Twilight. "Is there a game to be made of it? You know I'm always ready to dish!"
Pinkie licked all the chocolate syrup from the inside of her glass with a single slurp. "Why dish when you can use the whole pie pan?"
"Hah!" Rainbow giggled with a snort. "Good one, Pinkie!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "As a matter of fact, Rarity, there is a game!" She held the book up, open to the page in question. "First, I'll give everypony a card. Then, we'll all write down the number of ponies we've had sex with!"
There were a series of gasps and titters around the room.
"Then I'll shuffle them, masking the hoofwriting with a spell of course, and read them off one by one, while we all try to guess whose number is whose!" She set the book down, drawing out the cards. "Remember, be honest! That's half the fun!"
Distributing the cards, she made a note of how her friends reacted to the game. Rarity, for instance, seemed hesitant, but took on a perverse smile as she filled out her card. It was no surprise that Fluttershy was bright red; more unexpected was the same intense blush on Applejack's face. That promised to be interesting! Rainbow Dash took her card with a characteristically cocky smile, but it had fallen by time the she wrote her answer. Pinkie of course loved any kind of game, and scribbled gamely away, no doubt adding swirls and balloons to her number.
Twilight's heart sank as she gazed at her card. She swiped at it and flipped it upside down. Well, at least she would learn something fun about her friends. It wasn't like she hadn't known what she was getting herself into.
"Everypony done? Okay, turn your cards over and I'll shuffle them."
The shuffling spell was an easy one; slightly more difficult was the one that would normalize their hoofwriting, so as not to give away obvious participants like Rarity and Pinkie. But in a matter of moments, the cards were prepared, and Twilight grinned at her friends.
"Are you ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," Applejack said, lowering the brim of her hat.
Pinkie rubbed her hooves together. "This is gonna be so great!"
Clearing her throat, Twilight made a show of drawing the first card. "Aaaaand first off, we have... A zero!"
Rainbow Dash burst into laughter, falling over and clutching her sides.
"Way to draw your own card first, Twilight!"
Twilight's cheeks burned, and the card dropped from her magic. "W-well, I was always too busy studying to make friends, so I hardly had time for..."
"It's all right, Twilight," Rarity said, placing a hoof on her shoulder. "There is no shame in being a virgin."
Pinkie and Fluttershy nodded in earnest.
With a nervous smile, Twilight picked up the next card. "Thanks, girls. I guess I was asking for it, playing this game." Taking a deep breath, she flipped it over. "Well, next is... Huh, another zero." She cocked an eyebrow at it. "I guess that's not too surprising..."
Rainbow coughed loudly and inclined her head at Fluttershy, who lowered her head to her pillow and blushed behind her mane. She mumbled something none of them could hear. Pinkie gave her a hug.
"You're all making this too easy," Rainbow said, smirking.
Twilight frowned at the next card. "Another zero?"
The others avoided eye contact with each other. Save for Rainbow Dash, of course.
"Totally AJ," Rainbow said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I always knew she was married to that farm!"
Applejack's hat was not large enough to hide her furious blushing.
"Okay, c'mon, these can't all be..." Twilight stared open-mouthed at the fourth card.
"The spell wasn't supposed to make the cards all have the same number, Twilight!" Rarity said, chewing on her lower lip.
"IIIIII'm callin' Rarity on that one," Rainbow said, one eye closed as she looked between Rarity and Pinkie. "I'm not, like, a hundred percent sure. But I think that was a tell there."
Rarity turned her nose up. "Nothing you can say will shame me, Rainbow Dash. I have already spoken my piece on the matter."
"Okay, girls, settle down," said Twilight, drawing the fifth card. She frowned at it and sighed. "Oh look, zero number five. I'm glad my friends lead such interesting lives."
"I suppose that makes this Pinkie's card, then?" Rarity asked, arching an eyebrow toward Rainbow Dash.
"Yeah, RD," said Applejack, mimicking Rarity's look, "unless there's somethin' you wanna tell us."
"It's not miiiine!" Pinkie said, joining the other two in leaning towards Rainbow.
"No!" Rainbow bunched her blankets up under herself. "I mean, uh, yes. It's my card. I guess." She scrunched up her face, not looking at any of them. "There were... things! Happening! That were different! I'mawesomeandtotallynotavirgin!"
"Uh-huh." Applejack and Rarity shared a laugh as Twilight turned the final card over.
"So if this is Pinkie's..."
Twilight's eye bugged out. She blinked four times in quick succession. Then she passed the card in front of Rarity's face.
"Is that number what I think it is?" she asked.
Rarity blinked. "Do you think it is a very large number?"
"A very large number."
"Oh my." Rarity looked from the card to Pinkie, who smiled gamely from her sleeping bag. "Pinkie."
Twilight moved the card over to Pinkie.
"That's mine, that's mine!" she cried, bouncing in place.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack's jaws dropped as Twilight turned the card around. Fluttershy studied the ends of her mane.
"How?" Dash squeaked.
"Weeeell, when I say I 'know' everypony in Ponyville, I kiiiinda mean in the really old-fashioned sense." Pinkie gazed at the ceiling, twiddling her hooves, though her smile never faltered.
Everyone was quiet a few moments.
"And when I say my parties go out with a bang, I kinda mean--"
"YesthankyouPinkiethat'senough!" Twilight cried.
"--literally explosions, because there's usually young ponies around then, and I definitely don't do that kind of thing! Just for the record."
"Well." Rarity fussed at an imagined flaw in her mane. "This has been... eye-opening."
Pinkie tutted. "Well how else do you expect me to keep everypony in Ponyville smiling? Especially when they're all waiting for a taste of my pie?"
Fluttershy gasped. "Language, Pinkie!"
"I can only bake so many pies in a day," Pinkie said, rolling her eyes.
Twilight threw a hoof across her eyes. "This innuendo is getting hard to follow."
"I suddenly don't want pie," Rainbow said, looking askance at their snack table.
"But really, Pinkie Pie..." Rarity made a face. "Every adult in Ponyville?"
Pinkie nodded. "At least once!"
"Even the Cakes?" Twilight asked, agog.
"Oh yeah! They like spicing up their marriage now and then!" She leaned forward, stage-whispering. "I think I mighta been there when Pound and Pumpkin were conceived!"
That got a chorus of "ew"s from the others. Except Rainbow Dash, who grew animated.
"So, like, even Derpy?"
"Yep!"
"Mr. Waddles?"
"No, but he was very flattered when I asked. He's such a charmer!"
"Zecora?"
"Hmm!" Pinkie tapped the side of her chin. "You know, I never counted her because she lives in the Everfree and there was that whole time when everypony was afraid of her and all, but I should try now, shouldn't I? Twilight, do you have any books on zebra courtship? I wouldn't want to offend her by coming on the wrong way."
Twilight groaned.
"Okay." Applejack licked her lips and spoke slowly. "I ain't sure I want the answer to this, but I'm gonna ask anyway. Why ain'tcha, err, done the deed with any of us?"
"Oh, that's easy!" Pinkie sprang to her hooves and pranced around the room. "I knew you were all going to be my super-duper best friends later on in life and didn't want things to get weird!"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Pinkie, I don't even believe that one," Twilight said flatly.
Pinkie rolled her eyes and giggled. "Well, okay, don't say I didn't warn you."
She zipped between her friends as she spoke.
"Rarity is saving her virginity for the right pony and doesn't approve of one-night stands anyway."
"Why thank you, Pinkie, for respecting my choices," Rarity said with a smile.
"Fluttershy has too much emotional baggage to deal with physical intimacy."
"I do," Fluttershy said, nodding demurely.
"Applejack's married to her farm."
Applejack sputtered incoherently.
"Plus we might be relaaateeed!" She patted Applejack on the head, then moved to Twilight. "From the moment I first met her, I could tell Twilight didn't know the first thing about sex!"
Twilight joined in the sputtering.
"And Rainbow Dash is too busy being the best athlete in Equestria to have time for mushy stuff!"
"What?" Rainbow rose into the air, gesturing at herself. "You mean we totally coulda done it, but you didn't want to?"
"Well, Dashie, I'm not sure I'd want to take your virginity!" Pinkie giggled. "It's a precious thing, after all!"
"I'm no virgin! I've had tons of sex!" She crossed her arms and closed her eyes, only peeking out when Applejack started chortling.
"Well, why'd ya go an' put a zero on your card then, Miss I-Ain't-No-Virgin?"
"Uh." It was Rainbow Dash's turn to blush, and she turned a deep shade of mauve. "W-well, Twilight's dumb rules said 'ponies'. Y'know, specifically."
Applejack stared open-mouthed. Rarity gagged. Twilight looked queasy. Yet Pinkie remained irrepressible.
"Ooh, so is that why Gilda was all 'Rainbow Dash is my friend, not yours, no sharing' when we first met?" She rushed over to Dash and gave her a noogie. "Silly Dashie, why didn't you just tell us she was super-duper in love with you?"
"I-it wasn't like that!" Dash said, trying and failing to push Pinkie out of her personal space.
"Ooh, ooh! Is it true what they say about griffons? You know, that they're different--" Pinkie put her hoof next to her mouth-- "down there?"
"Okay, that's it!" Rainbow used the tip of her wing to flip a pillow into the air, grabbed it, and used it to slam Pinkie across the bedroom.
"Pillow fight!" she shouted, crashing into her sleeping area.
Rarity and Applejack immediately took up arms against Rainbow. Fluttershy constructed a pillow fort in record time and ensconced herself within. Twilight sputtered and gestured wildly at the book.
"But there are items on the checklist before the pillow fight! Important items!"
She let out an "ooph" when a pillow smacked her square in the face. As it fell to the floor, she reflected on just what she'd learned about her friends from this little game.
"For the record," Pinkie said in between tosses, "I'm totally cool with taking anypony's virginity if they wanna give it uu-uup!"
She was answered with a barrage of pillows to the face.
"Ah, who needs dusty old books anyway?" Twilight said, shrugging.
There was always time to maybe possibly perhaps peradventure take Pinkie up on her offer later. Not that there was anything wrong with being a virgin. She picked up a pillow and joined in the fun.
Author's Note
Yarr, just a funny idea what I came up with from the title. Hope ye enjoyed, messmates! 'Till we sails again!
(If yer o' groggin' age and the idea o' S'mores shots appeals to ye, feast yer peepers o'er thisaway. I ain't tried 'em yet, but who knows?)
