Rarity stared at the disaster strewn around her boutique, the latest result of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ incessant journey to discover something they were better off waiting for. She sighed to herself and began her work to fix things up before she opened for the day.
Applejack opened, not giving Rarity time to look up and acknowledge her presence before saying, “Howdy, Rari—what happened here? Did you ask Rainbow Dash to make you a tornado?”
“No, Rainbow Dash was not involved. However, tornadoes were.” She paused, increasing the dramatic tension. “Three tiny tornadoes, to be exact.”
Applejack laughed. “What, and you were different at their age?”
“As a matter of fact, I was! I would never create a hazardous environment in my own home, and when I did make a mess, I was, in fact, quite punctual about arranging its removal.”
“Oh. Sorry I asked.” Applejack glanced around. “Need a hoof? Twilight needs our help with somethin’ friendship-related. She’s bein’ all secretive about it. Probably important. But, uh...” her eyes darted around once again, as if searching for an avenue of escape. “Ah’m guessin’ you won’t leave ‘til this is all gone.”
“Certainly. There is no sense in leaving this mess to clean itself up. Twilight’s research can wait until after I have finished here.” Rarity magically grabbed a broom and dustpan and began sweeping random articles of glass, presumably from a broken vase.
Applejack scratched the back of her head. “Look, uh... we’re in a bit of a hurry here. Think you can pick up the pace a little?”
Rarity stopped cleaning and faced Applejack again. “You have two choices in addressing this predicament, Applejack: One, you help me clean a mess that is one-third my mess, one-third your mess, and one-third Rainbow Dash’s mess, due to our sister proxy. Two, you suggest a faster way to clean up messes.”
“I could go get Rainbow Dash—”
“Applejack...”
“Fine, fine. I do know of one way to clean messes faster.” Applejack glanced back and forth. “But you’ve gotta keep it a secret, all right? It’s not well-known outside of earth pony households.”
Rarity nodded conspiratorially. “Not a peep to another living pony.”
“All right.” Applejack sighed, then took off her hat. “There it is.”
“Your... your hat?” Rarity stuck her tongue out. “Eugh. That’s disgusting. I simply will not wear such an accessory while doing housework. I may sweat in it, and then your sweat will leech out of it and mingle with my bodily fluids, and—”
“Not the hat, Miss Prissypants.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Inside the hat.”
Rarity looked more closely and noticed a white spray bottle nestled within the hat’s crown. “What... is that cleaning spray!? You go weeks without bathing! What possible use could you have for cleaning spray!?”
“Now, settle down. There’s a perfectly logical explanation.”
“And you carry this in your hat all the time? Is that why you wear your hat? Because you’re hiding cleaning spray underneath it? Oh, I have cleaning spray. I have plenty of cleaning spray. I don’t need whatever you use because it obviously doesn’t work.”
“Huh.” Applejack looked Rarity dead in the eye. “You’d like to know why I got it, though, don’t you? Do ya recognize the bottle?”
Rarity glanced at the bottle again, its bottom sticking up and giving her no indication of what it was. “Spray-on grease?”
“Very funny,” Applejack drolled. “Go ahead and give it a look.”
Light blue magic enveloped the bottle as it was dragged out of Applejack’s hat. Rarity turned it upright and looked at the label, where the numbers 409 appeared in big, friendly letters. “Hmm... 409? I am well-versed in cleaning products, but I’ve never seen this one.” She looked at Applejack uncertainly.
“It’s an earth pony trade secret. Only been around for a couple years, but earth pony communities’re revolutionizin’ from this here little bottle. Word is, and now mind you, this is speculation, but word is that earth pony scientists found out how to extract the magic outta earth ponies and distill it into a liquid. They mix small amounts of it with standard cleanin’ product and it does wonders.”
“Earth pony magic? Don’t be ridiculous,” Rarity scoffed. “Next, they’ll be saying earth pony sneezes can cure the cutie pox.”
“Well, I guess I can just let you clean by yerself...”
“Fine. I’ll try it.” Rarity swung the bottle around and pointed it at a crayon drawing of the Crusaders holding each holding yellow triangles scrawled upon the floor of the boutique and writing underneath the picture that said “CeutIe MArKs IN HerOISM.” She closed her eyes, gripped the handle with her magic, and gave it a powerful squeeze.
“Huh, would ya look at that,” Applejack muttered.
“What? Look at what?” Rarity’s eyes opened to show a floor devoid of crayon drawings. “Why, it worked!” she exclaimed. She immediately turned it upon the crayons themselves, arrayed upon the floor where the Crusaders had trampled them underhoof and they had been crushed.
“Now, hold it there,” Applejack cautioned. “I don’t like this one bit.”
Rarity looked at Applejack. “What? I’m cleaning this atrocious mess.”
“Yeah, usin’ my cleanin’ accessory.”
“Well, do you have a better alternative?” Rarity looked placatingly at her friend.
“Well... no.”
“Then I suggest you let me do this.” Rarity gave another precise squeeze, and the crayons dissolved into the ether.
Applejack sighed, but said nothing. She stood uncomfortably near some of Rarity’s dresses and watched as the calming squit squit squit noise of a squirt bottle filled the air and fumes of cleaning solution wafted into her nose.
To break the silence, Rarity asked, “So, why haven’t I heard of 409 before?”
“Well, see, there’s been attempts to distill latent magic before, similar to earth pony magic,” Applejack began. “The most successful product so far has been Oxi-Clean—”
“Ooh, but that is just the worst! It, it cleans, but... at what cost!”
“Yeah, I don’t like ox hair on all my belongings either.” Applejack chuckled to herself. “They’ve refined the formula since. Now solids aren’t necessary in the cleaning solution, since they figured how to turn earth pony magic into a liquid.”
Rarity thought to herself for a moment, then asked, “Will my boutique start to smell like... earth pony?”
“Ah wasn’t aware we had a specific aroma,” Applejack growled in displeasure.
“Well, of course not. One does not notice their specific aroma much of the time,” Rarity said dismissively, another squit being heard as she sprayed a piece of torn fabric lying on the floor, which dissolved. “Where does the name 409 come from?”
“Well, whenever they make a batch o’ the earth pony magic, so Ah hear, they always gather exactly 409 earth ponies to gather magic from. They say that’s the statistical minimum to remove the majority of small selection bias and deliver a powerful, yet affordable product.”
“And why don’t I see it at any of the stalls around here?”
“’Cuz they only offer it to earth ponies.”
“That seems odd. This is working beautifully. I would certainly buy some myself.”
Applejack nodded to herself. “Yeah... that is a little odd. It’s never given our house any problems.”
Rarity sprayed a pile of shredded paper. “Ugh, seriously, why would they shred paper? Did they really think they would get their cutie marks in being paper shredders?”
“Ya gotta admit, they did a great job.”
“Yes, but I daren’t think the kind of embarrassment it would cause me if my little sister’s special talent was determined to be paper shredding. I don’t think I could even live in Ponyville anymore! No, all of Equestria! I would have to move far, far away with her, to somewhere that doesn’t understand the importance of a cutie mark, and teach her a new trade. Perhaps she could learn fashion, like me. Oh, I’m not sure I could teach her, she’s so stubborn. But it would be far worse to have a paper shredder for a sister than for her to have eternal misery doing what I—”
“All right, I get the point. She’s not a paper shredder, though, or she’d have found you first thing to let you know how proud of her you should be.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right.”
Any further conversation was cut short by Sweetie Belle bursting into the boutique, covered almost head to hoof in mud. She froze in the front entrance, her eyes locating first Applejack, then Rarity. She said a fast “HeyRaritycan’ttalknowIgottagotomyroomandtakecareofsomestuffsoI’lltalktoyoulaterbye!” By the time the deluge of words had left her mouth, she was already halfway to the stairs.
“Oh, hmph, now wait just a moment you!” Rarity’s magic grasped Sweetie’s back legs, pulling her to a stop. “First you leave this awful disaster for me to clean up, but now you come in here looking like this! Tracking mud everywhere! And look at you! You look absolutely horrid! This is not how any sister of mine is supposed to look when she goes out in public!” Rarity took the bottle of 409 to bear and pointed it at Sweetie Belle’s side.
“Now hold on, Rarity!” Applejack interjected. “You can’t spray yer sister with cleanin’ chemicals!”
“Why? What’s the harm in it?”
“Well, we don’t know what it would do. Don’t you wanna check first?”
Rarity looked at the small text on the bottle, perusing what was stated. “The only hazard I can see here is ‘Harmful if swallowed.’ There’s no warnings against contact with a pony’s coat or skin.”
“It also says ‘FOR EARTH PONY USE ONLY.’ That may clue you in on some problems that may arise from sprayin’ yer sister with earth pony magic.”
“Oh, please. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“... Ah honestly don’t know, Rarity.”
“Have you cleaned Apple Bloom with this 409?”
“Well... yeah. But she’s an earth pony! We don’t know what may happen to Sweetie Belle here!”
“Well, there’s only one way to find out.” Rarity gave the handle of the bottle a squeeze. A quiet squit sounded as liquid jettisoned from the nozzle onto Sweetie Belle’s flank, instantly dissolving the grime and causing her coat to glow with a white sheen.
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Why, it’s simply divine!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “It’s clean. Sorta. Ya still got a lot more ground to cover.”
Rarity began giving Sweetie Belle a bath in 409. Sweetie looked a little uncomfortable at first, then warmed up to the idea. “Heheh, this is way better than taking a real shower.” The dirt evaporated into nothingness, leaving Sweetie Belle a clean white coat and purple mane of which her sister would be proud.
Her business with Sweetie Belle completed, Rarity turned her loose. “Go make sure there’s no more dirt hidden away where I can’t find it! And when you’ve finished, help me finish cleaning up this mess!” She then turned her attention back to the mess, spraying anything that could be considered trash and leaving her boutique’s floorboards looking polished and clean. “Applejack, how does the spray know not to dissolve coat hair or paint coatings?”
Applejack shrugged. “Magic?”
“... Oh.” The next several minutes lapsed in silence, barring several irritated groans from Rarity, a sigh of boredom from Applejack, and the ever-present squit squit squit of the 409 bottle. Miraculously, several minutes was all it took; the boutique was clean.
“Incredible! It’s like magic!” Rarity exclaimed.
“Didn’t Ah just say that?”
“Quite right. So, shall we see what Twilight has need of now?” Rarity moved toward the door of the boutique, 409 bottle in tow.
“Sure. Hopefully we’re only as late as she was expectin’ us to be.”
The friends began their trip to Twilight’s castle together. Almost immediately after they had started their trot, Applejack realized Rarity had gone missing. She looked behind her and noticed that Rarity was spraying something else with the 409 bottle and wiping it with her kerchief. Applejack went back to retrieve her friend. “Consarnit, Rarity, what’re you cleanin’ this time?”
“Why, this bit is just lying here on the ground! I can’t allow such a dirty little thing to lie in the dust and affront passersby!”
“Huh?” Applejack looked incredulously at the gold bit lying on the ground, being coated and polished in 409. “Oh, you’ve gotta be—gimme that bottle!” Applejack grabbed the bottle of 409, yanking it out of Rarity’s magic grasp and thrusting it back into her hat.
Rarity gasped, then lunged for Applejack. The two mares began wrestling on the ground, Rarity grappling with Applejack’s hat. “Give me that bottle!”
“No, Ah refuse! I never shoulda let you use it!”
“That’s no longer your choice! Give it to me or I’ll tell Twilight!”
Applejack froze, allowing Rarity to remove her hat and retrieve the bottle. “You wouldn’t dare tell her about this! This magic’s only fer earth ponies to know about. I trusted you, Rarity!”
“Well, let me keep the bottle and she won’t have to know about it, will she?”
Applejack, obviously hurt by Rarity’s betrayal, relinquished the bottle, placing her hat upon her head once more. “I’m never trustin’ you again.”
Rarity didn’t even notice what Applejack had said, so busy was she to find another thing to clean. Applejack, resigned to a slow, arduous trek, began slogging along, Rarity slowly picking her way behind, beelining from dirty object to dirty object.
Several hours later, they had arrived at the castle. Applejack knocked, and Spike opened the door. Rarity entered, then made a noise of disgust and polished the doorknob on the inside.
Spike looked at Rarity uncertainly, then at Applejack. “Is she all right?”
“Yeah. I, uh, think she’s on some kind of cleanin’ spree. Where’s Twilight at?”
“She’s in her newly redecorated room, still hoping for some input from Rarity. She let me know she’d be reading a book to pass the time since you two were taking so long.”
“All right, we’ll go see her. C’mon, Rarity.”
“In a moment. I’ve found a crystal bench that simply must sparkle!”
“No. NOW.”
“Ugh. Fine. We’ll get it on the return trip.”
On the way to Twilight’s new room, Applejack leaned over to Rarity and said, “Ya better hide that bottle from Twi. You know I’m an awful liar and I’d never be able to hide a secret like that.”
“Oh, don’t be daft. Twilight shan’t suspect a thing.”
“Good.” They came upon the door and opened it. Twilight looked up as they entered and said, “Oh, Rarity! You’re here!” She stood up and hugged Rarity, looking her over. “I felt like I needed a professional opinion on my new space here. Nothing too important. Aren’t you supposed to be working at the boutique today?”
“Spike said it was urgent,” Applejack informed her.
“That’s odd. I never said anything like that. What reason could he have to tell Rarity that her coming here was urgent?”
“I can think of a few good reasons,” Applejack said sarcastically.
“... Oh, right. Anyway, that doesn’t matter now, I guess. I’ll talk to him about that later.” Twilight shifted her attention back to Rarity, whose eyes were roving around the floor of the room. “Rarity, can you look at the furnishings and tell me what you think?”
“Oh, yes, they’re fine,” Rarity told her distractedly.
“Really? I thought they looked a little... plain, to be honest. I was hoping for some suggestions on how to liven it up.”
“It’s too dirty.”
“Um... dirty? I’ll have Spike dust it.”
“No, no... I’ll take care of it.” Rarity brought the bottle of 409 to bear and made a squit squit squit sound, three jets of cleaning solution splashing along the floor of Twilight’s room. Rarity’s kerchief was instantly out and polishing the floor.
“That... was unexpected.” Twilight looked at Applejack, who had begun to sweat. “Is she feeling all right?”
“Uh... yeah. She, uh...” Applejack stammered. “She said she’s feelin’ a little under the weather, and, uh... wanted to... clean... somethin’?”
Twilight looked Applejack in the eye. “Applejack, is there something you’re not telling me?”
Applejack looked away guiltily before looking down sadly. “Yeah, I am.”
“What’s going on, then?”
“Ah let Rarity borrow my bottle of 409.”
“409? What’s that?”
“It’s a special type of earth pony cleaning solution. It uses liquid earth pony magic in the formula.”
Twilight looked back at the bottle Rarity was holding. “Fascinating. I’d heard about the liquid earth pony magic experiment in an attempt to better manifest earth pony abilities... like a type of compost or a formula for assistance in tilling fields, but was too unstable for commercial use.”
“In very small quantities, it can remove some tough stains, apparently.” Applejack watched as Rarity wiped away more dust from the ground.
“So, why is Rarity cleaning everything?”
“I let her borrow the bottle to clean the boutique, and things just sorta escalated from there.”
Twilight tapped her hoof on her chin. “Did she come into contact with the liquid at any point?”
“Not that I’m aware of, no.”
“Well, that’s good.” Twilight cast her eyes around for a moment. “I read a book—it should be somewhere in here—that if a non-earth pony comes into contact with the liquid, it could have some very strange manifestations. Distilled earth pony magic has little effect on earth ponies themselves, but non-earth pony test subjects were reported to experience some strange magical fluctuations.”
Applejack looked back at Twilight. “What’s that mean in simple terms?”
“It means that, if unicorns and pegasi touch the liquid, it... well, it’s magic. Nopony knows exactly what will happen.”
“Oh, uh... she sorta gave Sweetie Belle a bath,” she said uncertainly.
“Oh. Well, that could be good. Or bad.” She looked back at Rarity, then realized the gravity of what she’d just been told and snapped back to Applejack. “Wait, WHAT!? She gave Sweetie Belle a bath in earth pony magic!?”
“Yeah, I guess she did.”
“We have to go find her now!” Twilight dashed to the door, waiting hesitantly for Applejack and Rarity to follow.
“Rarity, we have to go!”
“Oh, just a bit longer... there’s a little more dust here.”
“Fine, you asked for it!” Applejack gripped the bottle in her mouth and dashed away, Rarity looking indignantly at her and immediately giving chase.
Twilight and Applejack ran all the way back to the Carousel Boutique, an irate Rarity chasing behind them and threatening different punishments if the bottle was not returned to her. They burst in and wound up the staircase, then bursted into Sweetie Belle’s room.
Sweetie Belle was at a bench press lifting 300 pounds of weight. Her muscles rippled as she lifted the bar above her, once, twice, thrice. She took a few breaths, then lifted the bar again and placed it in its holder above her, rising and assuming a sitting position on the bench.
Rarity, the bottle momentarily forgotten, looked at Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie, where did you get a bench press?”
Sweetie responded in a deep, baritone voice. “One of the guys let me borrow his. Why didn’t you buy me one of these earlier?”
Rarity’s eyes strayed down to Sweetie Belle’s flank, where a cutie mark of two dumbbells resided. She then looked back at Twilight. “Are the effects of earth pony magic reversible?”
Twilight shrugged. “The study never said.”
Author's Note
Stay tuned for the already cancelled sequel "Rarity Discovers 410," in which she discovers Formula 410 has liquid pegasus magic in it. Related commercial over here.
