Changeling See, Changeling D'OH! (Comment-Driven Story)

by Kersey475

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Changelings, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure
Length: 117911

You are a changeling stranded in the Everfree Forest after the failed assault on Canterlot. What should you do? What shenanigans will ensue? YOU DECIDE!

You are a changeling who finds himself (yes, changelings can disguise as either gender, but for the sake of simplicity he's a guy, Okay?) in the Everfree forest after the failed assault on Canterlot (You can thank the Queen for that...).

Your landing wasn't exactly the smoothest (in fact, I think you broke a few things), so your memories are fuzzy and the few things you can remember include basic skills, a knack for "hide and seek" and knowledge of movies and serials (you always were a reel buffbug).

And as if Fortuna wasn't kind enough to you, you're lost in a forest, trapped behind enemy lines, can't locate your Hive (although that might not be a bad thing...), and you've never exactly been a lucky bug. You just need to get out of this gorram forest and avoid getting caught or killed (your whole kind is wanted for being the buggy-est wedding crashers in Equestrian history).

What will you do?

Inspired by The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story) by Down with Chrysalis

Rated "Teen" to give more freedom to commenters.

Published 2015-07-25 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-06 20:10:29 UTC

Chapter 1: What We Call the News!

Read All About It!
Discord, God of Chaos Reformed!
Your eyes bug out at that.
"By the Queen's luscious long legs, how long was I asleep!?"
You've heard of the God of Chaos. Everlying has. For such a being to be reformed? It's unheard of. Heck, he's specifically labeled as non food, and you still remember the horror stories told about those that tried to take his love.
"Chicken legs...chicken legs..." you mutter, before shaking your head and checking the date.

As you look at the newspaper, the headline immediately catches your attention;

DISCORD, SPIRIT OF CHAOS, REFORMED!

Your eyes bug out at that as your jaw drops. You've heard of the Spirit of Chaos. Everying has. For such a being to be reformed? It's unheard of! Hay, back at the Hive he is specifically labeled as "Highly toxic. DO NOT ENGAGE! FLEE ON BUCKING SIGHT!", and you still remember the horror stories told about those brave (or just downright bucking stupid) enough to try to consume his love.

"Chicken legs... chicken legs..." you mutter, before shaking your head and saying, "Wait a minute, there's no gorram WAY Discord's been reformed. This is probably just a copy of The Radish."

You look to the brand name and see that it's not The Radish and is actually The Ponyville Express

"Huh? So that actually happened. Great, now the ponies have a GOD on their side... By the Acorn's roots, how long was I asleep for!?"

Deciding to focus on something else before your brain freezes again, you quickly check the date...

Uhh... Date is A MONTH?! how exactly did I not get eaten?

"How in the 9 layers of Tartarus did I not get eaten sleeping that long?!" you wonder aloud.
"More importantly, how the heck did they Reform the God of Chaos?!"
You then turn the page and see him smiling while holding all of the Elements of Harmony and Celestia in a group hug.
"Ah, they overwhelmed his libido it seems," you chuckle. "But seriously, the Buck these girls are Normal Civilians, this just proves it even more! I mean seriously I...Oooo, what's this?" Your attention is drawn to some celebrity gossip.
"Sapphire Shores is the lead pick to play Radiance in the Power Ponies movie?"
You look up in thought and imagine the pop star in the form fitting costume of the comic book heroine, and drool starts to leak out your mouth at the image.

If possible, find out how long he have been unconscious based on the date and condition of the paper against the date of the failed invasion.

"A MONTH!!! How hard did I smash my skull?! And how in the 9 layers of Tartarus did I not get eaten sleeping that long in this stupid forest!" you wonder aloud, "More importantly, how did they reform the God of Chaos?!"

You then turn the page and see him smiling while holding all of the Elements of Harmony and Celestia in a group hug.

"Ah, they overwhelmed his libido it seems," you chuckle. "But seriously, these girls are "Normal Civilians"? This just proves otherwise even more! I mean seriously I-Oooo, what's this?" You say as your attention is immediately drawn to some celebrity gossip.

"Sapphire Shores is the lead pick to play Radiance in the upcoming Power Ponies movie?"

You look up in thought and imagine the pop star in the form-fitting costume of the comic book heroine, and drool starts to leak out your mouth at the image. Shaking your head clear of those thoughts, you continue to skim the newspaper...

Other advertisements include Try outs for The Equestria Games, and Recruitment for the Wonderbolts.

"new Daring Do movie"
Let's hope It's better than that last one
Oh, New Ponyball Z movie sweet

"Preparations Begin for Equestria Games." Huh. Well OK then.
"Trailer Released for Marevengers 3." I missed that? Seems like I have a lot of catching up to do.
"Changeling Hive Remains at Large." Well, that's... good. I guess?
You flip the paper over and find yourself at the classifieds. Normally, these don't interest you that much, but one article in particular catches your eye.
"Terraquest Fantasy Gaming Shop, Now Hiring. Role-Playing, Comics, Manga, Miniatures, Cards. Background in previous hobbies preferred. Inquire at desk, 413 Birdseed Road, Ponyville."
"Ooh! This looks interesting," you say to yourself. "I wonder if- wait, isn't Ponyville where those mares live?" You flip to the front of the newspaper to recheck. "Yeah, this is where those mares live. Hey! I can go there, work at this Fantasy Gaming place, and actually get some legitimate intel on the Elements of Harmony. Then if I ever see my Hive again, we can take those mares down!" You are convinced that this is an excellent idea, and begin to trot off before you realize your plan has two major flaws in it. 1.) Your disguises aren't working, so you can't exactly start infiltrating a town yet, and 2.) you still have no idea where you're going.

"Let's see... New Daring Do movie. Hope it's better than the last one. Stupid fridge scen- Oh, Dubbed trailer for Ponyball Z movie released. I missed that? Seems like I have a lot of catching up to do. LeoBronco DiCarprio snubbed at the film awards. *sigh* Again?! Two for one at Donut Joe's Mmmm... Donuts... *drool* Gah! Focus bug! Do YOU have what it takes for Wonderbolt Academy? Seeing how I'm not a pegasus and my wings don't work; No. Moving on. Preparations Begin for Equestria Games. Huh. Well OK then. Las Pegasus Blackjacks to face off against the Manehattan Titans. Eh... Never cared for sports so I'm skipping that. Changeling Hive Remains at Large. Well, that's... good. I guess?"

You flip the paper over and find yourself looking at the classifieds. Normally, these don't interest you that much, but you need information and one article in particular catches your eye.

Terraquest Fantasy Gaming Shop, Now Hiring. Role-Playing, Comics, Manga, Miniatures, Cards. Background in previous hobbies preferred. Inquire at desk, 413 Birdseed Road, Ponyville.

"Ooh! This looks interesting," you say to yourself. "I wonder if- wait, isn't Ponyville where those mares live?" You flip to the front of the newspaper to recheck. "Yeah, this is where those mares live. Hey! I can go there, work at this Fantasy Gaming place, and actually get some legitimate intel on the Elements of Harmony. Then if I ever see my Hive again, we can take those mares down!"

You are convinced that this is an excellent idea, and begin to trot off before you realize your plan has two major flaws in it;

1.) Your disguises aren't working, so you can't exactly start infiltrating a town yet.
2.) You still have utterly no idea where you're going.

"Gorramit..." you mutter before you continue reading the newspaper...

The newspaper depicts stories of the royal guard capturing any changelings that managed to survive their forced ejection from Canterlot. It requests that ponies watch for suspicious behavior in their friends and loved ones, and report it if any is detected. However, it seems to purposefully avoid telling the readers what happens to the changelings who get caught...

gulping nervously at that you continue reading... (you had only heard story's but as far as you knew they strapped changelings down to a chair and forced them to read horrible Fanfics on a daily basis and after hearing that you swore to never be caught.) only to find that they literally copy pasted the exact same paragraph you just read as filler.
"OK that's just lazy! who the hay wrote this?"
[ten minutes later]
the newspapers did help you figure out what the hay was going on around you after your impromptu hibernation, but unfortunately you still knew nothing about your location, and at this point you where beginning to starve. it was then you sat under a tree and started to think of a way to find something resembling civilization.

The next page is a PSA about changelings (complete with species-ist caricatures of your kind). You could practically hear an old-school announcer narrating about how the changelings are still out there and that ponies should report all unusually suspicious behavior from friends and family and that they must always be vigilant and blah blah blah The Princess is watching you... Forever yadda yadda. Suspiciously, it seems to purposefully be avoiding what happens to changelings after they are caught by the Royal Guard and taken away...

You gulp nervously as you remember the rumors of what would happen to caught changelings; Waterboarding, systematic squashing, and *GASP* being forced to read horrible fanfiction on a daily basis as Justin Beaver songs are played on a loop!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *smack*

Slapping yourself out of your self-induced terror, you turn the page only to find yourself looking at lottery numbers at the end of the newspaper. Realizing you just harvested all the information you could out of that newspaper, you crumple it up and toss it aside and mutter,

"Now I know how long I've been out for and what's happening these days, but I'm still lost with NO idea where I am."

You sigh in resignation and sit under a tree to think when...

Our hero, determined to find out what happened to his brethren, sees a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane flying through the air performing tricks and decides to go towards her.

then you facehooved.
all you had to do was climb a tree.
standing up you look up at the plant towering above you.
"could it really be this simple? why the hay diddint I think of this before? " you ask as you start to climb.

You spot a Rainbow blur streak across the sky. Your eyes widen as you wonder,

"Wait... is that?"

You get up from your spot for a better look and you now see that the Rainbow blur is now doing loop-de-loops.

"It is... It's Rainbow Dash. What did that debriefing say about her..."

As you wrack your brain to recall that info, you here a mental ding and say,

"Oh yeah; Element of Loyalty, originally from Cloudsdale, Possible fillyfooler, Possible cider addiction, Brash, Arrogant, Show-off, and VERY aggressive..."

You shudder as you remember how she was the most vicious of the 6 mares during the invasion (frankly, you wouldn't be surprised if she dreams about clobbering changelings), but you also realize that she's your best chance of getting out of this stupid forest.

"Maybe if I climb this tree I could get a closer look without being s- D'OH!"

You then suddenly stop in mid-sentence as you realize something and facehoof.

You could have just climbed a tree to figure out your location.

"Could it really have been this simple? Why the hay didn't I think of this before?!" you mutter to yourself before you start climbing the tree, using your limb holes to help get a better grip on the branches. You're halfway up the tall tree when...

After you read the newspaper you decide to climb a tree to get a better view (using leg-holes to help you climb) when you come across a squirrel that attacks your face and makes you fall and hit every branch on the way down. As you do fall down you unluckily hit every branch on the way down...and mostly hitting your face....ouch.

You see a squirrel lovingly hugging some acorns. You can feel some of the love energy radiating off him and think to yourself,

Hell-ooo snack.

Suddenly the squirrel notices you.

"Oh hi there little guy-"

Suddenly the squirrel pounces forward onto your face in a flurry of bites and clawing. You were caught so off guard by this vicious attack that you loose your hoofing and fall down, banging against every branch on the way down.

"Gah! *bonk* Why! *bonk* The! *bonk* Face! *bonk* Ow! *bonk* Do'h! *bonk* Buck! *bonk* Son! *bonk* Of a! *THUD*"

Even when you hit the ground, the squirrel is still viciously attacking your face. You desperately reach out with a hoof and grab something before using it to knock the squirrel off you. You open your eyes and see that you grabbed the crumpled up newspaper from before but suddenly the squirrel comes at you again. You throw the crumpled up newspaper at him on reflex which he dodges before you quickly grabbing him in your telekinesis before dunking the little bastard head-first into an ant-hill.

"Nuts to yo- I mean that was for your terrible movie- I mean Hasta la... Screw it."

Aching too much to think of a good one liner, you just lay there as...

" screw it. " you say in defeat. " mabey I can pretend to be a Timberwolve's mom and get some love from her Cubs when she's not around... do Timberwolves even feel love?"
you decided that for the moment you wold lay on your back and contemplate the possibility of impersonating a Timberwolve until you see a rainbow streak suddenly fly above you at blinding speeds.
you decide you should follow it, even if it oddly seemed like a huge storybook cliche.

"Buck it." you say in defeat, "That pegasus is long gone by now. Maybe I could just pretend to be a Timberwolf's mother and get some love from her pups when she's not around- Wait, do Timberwolves even have love?"

As you try to remember what you were taught back in the hive ("Stupid blunt-force amnesia."), you see Rainbow Dash now zig-zagging across the sky.

"Huh, she's still there?"

You give a resigned sigh as you mutter,

"Welp... Back up the tree of pain..."

ONE CLIMB LATER

When you finally manage to reach the top of a tree (after subduing the rabid squirrel), you see a familiar rainbow maned pegasus scouting the area for...something? You decide to try to follow her to see if she cab lead you to some civilization. You attempt to do this by attempting a short glide to the next tree to parkour after her, but...
Your wings still hurt to munch, but you power through the pain to a branch across from you. But the branch then breaks which sends you
tumbling and cursing through the forest outta control!

You finally manage to reach the top of the tree (thankfully, there were no more squirrels, but that one sleeping owl did look suspicious...) and hide under the top branches to observe Rainbow Dash. You now see her zig-zagging above the forest in what looks like a... sweeping pattern?

I wonder what she's looking for... Hopefully she'll leave sometime soon so I can follow her to civilization. you think to yourself.

As if fate was reading your mind, suddenly Rainbow Dash flies off. You then proclaim, "PARKOUR!" as you leap off the tree towards the direction she's flew off in. Your plan was to glide to the next branch and then parkour (*1) through the branches after her except you forgot two things;

1.) Your wings are still not (and never were exactly) functional
2.) Bad luck

As you attempt to flap your wings to glide, you feel a sharp pain which causes you to wince and stop flapping and before you know it, you're plummeting towards the ground.

You desperately shoot your front limbs out and manage to grab ahold of the branch you were aiming for, unfortunately that branch breaks and soon you find yourself tumbling and cursing out of control through the Everfree, hitting rocks, gravel, and trees throughout this tumble.

"*CRACK* D'OH! *thud* Ow! *thud* Why! *thud* Me! *thud* Buck! *thud* My! *thud* Life! *thud* I! *thud* Blame! *thud* The! *thud* Media! *thud* Blamers! *thud* GAHHHH!"

Fortunately your painful tumble eventually ends-

*SLAM*

Unfortunately your back slammed into a stone pole to stop that tumble. As you just lay there in pain (again) you decide to contemplate what you're going to do next...

Our changeling decides to singlehandedly do what Chrysalis couldn't, and take over Canterlot Castle.

Considering that those ponies were able to blast away the entire changeling army even after the Queen had enough power to take down Celestia, that's probably about as good of an idea as singing "My way" in a Filipino Karaoke bar (*2). Next idea...

do what every man does after he fails GET DRUNK

Not a bad idea... Except that changelings have an extremely high natural resistance to toxins and poisons. It would take nothing short of Poko(*3) just to get a changeling tipsy.

Food sources are never a bad thing...

Grrrrowl...

Your thoughts are interrupted when you hear your stomach growling furiously. Considering you've been KO for a month, you really shouldn't be so surprised.

You shakily get up to find something to quite your stomach when notice that you've landed just inches in front of a rope bridge that leads to what looks like the ruins of a castle. After some prodding and a few steps, you decide that the bridge is stable when your stomach growls again with even more rumbling. As you look at the ruins in front of you, you can only say,

"Buck, I am starving... And hurting like a bitch, but mainly starving."

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

1* You're sure you can pull off Parkour seeing how you've seen District 13, Kingstallions, and that one episode of The Office countless times and played Assassin's Vow and Princess of Saddle Arabia in the arcade many times.

2*For the record, I AM part Filipino.

3*A reference to the alcoholic beverage Poko in the stories of Bucking Nonsense which is described as "Hard liquor is to poko what a BB Gun is to the fucking Death Star."

Yes commenters, that means that this fanfic will be taking place sometime in Season 3 after the events of Keep Calm and Flutter On.

Also, be sure to check these author's notes as I'll be putting in questions. Today's question is a double-edged one:

What is your favorite movie?
AND
What is the worst movie you have ever seen?

I look forward to your answers!

Chapter 2: Raider of the Horrorshow Castle

Punch sh*t
Get fit

*punch crack*

"Owww! Why the buck did I do that?" you whine as you hold your front hoof in (more) pain as you stupidly punched one of the stone pillars holding up the bridge. Suddenly your stomach growls again and...

you read that wrong's comment

You frankly don't remember any castles being out here. But if it's abandoned, then you may have just found the perfect place to hide. Heck, if you find your hive, you're sure the queen wouldn't mind an actual castle to rule in.

Also, if you need to go to any nearby settlements, you'll need some sort of currency. That castle might have some valuables to steal. Also, it might have food inside.

You realized that you where once more lost, or even more lost than before.

"Great." you mutter to yourself, "At least that Rainbow pegasus could've gave me an idea where to go, but now I'm even deeper in this gorram forest with an abandoned (and possibly haunted) castle in the middle of nowhere."

Your complaining is interrupted when you notice that some parts of the old castle tower easily towers over the treeline of the forest.

"Hmmm... I could take a page out of the book of Assassin's Vow and use those towers to scout the area. Hay, I could probably turn one of the rooms into an emergency safehouse. Hay, I think I just found the Queen a new cas-"

Your stomach growls again and your body aches again from that nasty tumble-fall.

"Or find something to eat and treat my injuries with. Now to get across this... old... bridge..."

Now you weren't afraid of heights or anything, but long falls (and especially the sudden stop) do intimidate you and you couldn't even see the bottom of the huge chasm. Sure you tested the bridge, but after seeing a plank fall off it and into the abyss and NOT hearing it hit the bottom you start to notice how old the bridge looks. You can see where parts of the rope were starting to unravel and the wooden planks have evidence of termites.

Ignoring your hunger and injuries, you sit down and begin to think;

Let's see...

A. I could just fly over it... But seeing how I couldn;t even glide to the next tree without tumbling through the forest (you think my wings would've healed by now), No.

B. Walk painstakingly slow over the bridge... And possibly end up plummeting when I'm halfway across the bridge and it breaks...

C. Do the exact opposite of B and just dash across it and hope it-

Suddenly you swore you heard the feral growling of a pack of Timberwolves who as far as you could tell where kindly suggesting that you take plan D:

*zip*

Run for your bucking life across the bridge or get mauled to death.

1 Minute Later

You find yourself in front of the door of the castle, breathing heavily as your legs ache. You risk a look back and see a pack of Timberwolves cautiously pawing at the rope bridge.

Deciding that staying outside probably isn't the best option, you open the door and enter...

You enter the castle, surely I can get love in this dark, spooky, forgotten castle, you think to yourself.
After entering it, the door closes behind you, and you see a pedestal. You remember that it was the pedestal of the Elements of Harmony, and ignore it for the time being. After all, stones cannot love, even if they would be here still.
After wandering around for a while, you reach a library. You try to take the nearest book and read it, but... it seems like the hoofwriting is really old. Like, so old you cannot even read half of the letters!
You go back out, and look down the slimy, disgusting hallway filled with...
No Chrysalis-thrilled backflipping way!, you exclaim mentally, SPIDERS! Spiders are living things, therefore they can love, and therefore I can eat their love!
You pounce on them, squeeing happily and causing them to run away.
"Oh", you realise, "They can easily see I am not one of them, and flee. Chucks to be me."

all you can think of is that one odd changeling with the orange mane who played that weird indie game. What did he call it? Castle Thrashers? Something like that. Well him and all the classic horror movies you used to watch.
You: Why did all the classic monsters movies happen in old castles? Was this one of them? No real lakes or lagoons so I should be safe from an amphibious assault. But what of the vampires and werewolves? Or worse, what if i find a courtyard? Those always have statues. The last thing I need to find is a Weeping Pegasus Statue. (One of the few things you and that other game-loving changeling used to watch when you could slip away for a bit.) Well, I better be cautious all the same no telling how old the place is or if there are any traps set ou*whoosh*
You manage to activate a trap, making you slide down into what looks like the castle's basement.

When you step into the castle, you see an... odd structure that looks like a large stone orb with various branches holding more stone orbs that have gem-shaped compartments.

"Must be what they call 'abstract' art." you snark as you move on because you can't get love or food from stones. As you take more steps forward you think,

This feels alot like that Castle... Thrashers? Crashers? Mashers- that game that clumsy quarter-breed orange-maned changeling (if I could only remember his name...) played in Canterlot... Even though he was supposed to be helping the rest of us intercept the Elements of Harmony

As you frown at the memory of that clumsy fool are about to mentally debate if he was foolish or lucky, the door suddenly slams shut behind you on it's own. After staring at it in shock for a moment you say to yourself,

"Oooo-kaaay... Now this is starting to feel like those horror flicks instead."

You consider just reopening the door and getting the buck out of Dodge, but then you hear Timberwolf howling outside and move on. As you cautiously explore the castle you start calling upon your knowledge of horror move tropes,

I'm about 35 percent sure this place isn't actually haunted, but the other 65 percent is not so sure. For all I know there could be zombies, or vampires, or Teenagers and a Talking Dog in there. Let's see... No lakes or lagoons so I should be safe from an amphibious assault. Don't have any alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous mares with me (although I almost wish I had some right now) so that rules out copy-and-paste slashers. But there could be vampires and werewolves or even zombies due to the castle environment-

You stop when you notice how eerily quiet it is in the castle.

As someling with stealth experience, "too quiet" is never good. Better stay in the middle...

On that note, you step towards the middle of the hallway, cautiously away from walls and doors that could suddenly have a weapon stab through them as you continue to review horror movie survival tips,

If I were being truly smart, I wouldn't be exploring and investigating, but I'm hurt, hungry, and alone behind enemies lines so I have to do that... Okay 815, main priority is food, medical supplies, and maybe a map. NO messing around with books, artifacts, peepholes, foals, the elderly, and especially twins...

You shudder at the thought as you turn a corner.

Wait, what if i find a courtyard? Those always have statues. Why did all the classic monsters movies happen in old castles? Was this one of them? The last thing I need to find is a Weeping Pegasus Statue. (One of the few things you and that other game-loving changeling used to watch when you could slip away for a bit.) Well, I better be cautious all the same no telling how old the place is or if there are any traps set out- Oh hello...

You stop when you see an interesting-looking vase on a pedestal in the hall. Suspecting something, you grab a nearby shard on the ground and throw it at the vase. When the shard hits the vase, a pair of large hammers slam down from the walls onto either side of the vase.

You smirk in satisfaction as you step forward and say,

"Gonna need to try harder than that to get the drop on m-"

*whoosh*

Suddenly you step on and activate a trapdoor, making you scream as you fall and slide down. However, the jolt of that sudden fall jogs your memory and the first thought that runs through your head is remembering an important detail about changeling physiology...

As you explore the castle in search of a love source, you suddenly remember that changelings can survive on love alone, but they can also temporarily compensate with large amounts of food instead. They can also invoke "Burning Love" to quickly heal injuries if they eat alot of food. This really doesn't help your situation considering you still can't find any food, but it's always a good idea to remember something that could save you some hassle in the future.

Wait, I remember! Love is our primary life-sustain-er, but we can also heal ourselves quickly and even use special moves at the cost of quickly using our love suppl-

However, this first thought (*1) is quickly interrupted by a second thought,

Oh horseapples, Wall!*slam*

When you groggily get back up, your aches now returning, you see a slimy disgusting hallway filled with...

No Chrysalis-thrilled backflipping way!, you exclaim mentally, SPIDERS! Spiders are living things, therefore they can love, and therefore I can eat their love!

You pounce on them while squeeing happily, but this action causes the spiders to scatter and flee.

"Do'h!" you exclaim as you land on your face and realize that the spiders can clearly see you are not one of them. As you get back up with intent to keep wandering, the jolt of slamming into the floor jogs your memory and you remember another important detail about changeling physiology,

While we can normally survive on love alone, we can also use large amounts of food instead to compensate. Seeing how burning love can be heal me quicker, I can heal if I find enough to eat!

With that thought in mind, you turn a corner find a mysterious door with a worn out sign reading,

Roy-- Pant--

You cock your head in confusion at the thought of a pony named Roy having a whole room full of pants so you open the door in curiosity and find...

BrownDog77 Comment

A pantry full of dust. As you search this pantry, you don't find a single pair of pants, but you do find several food items which must be at least centuries old and spoiled. Fortunately you found a few items that haven't spoiled because they are incapable of doing so; Some pots of honey (labeled "Hunny" for some reason), a large box of wrapped sugar cubes named "Sweet Chariot", a dozen large cans of beans, and a large crate full of wrapped Glorious Golden worth-roaming-a-zombie-apocalypse-for Twinkies.

Deciding you need some substance first, you grab a can of beans... Only to realize that there isn't a can opener in sight,

"NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!" you scream to the heavens. "MAH BEANS!!!" you yell as you start desperately banging the can against every hard object in sight.

Sad that you can't have the deliciousness, you give up and instead turn your attention to the sweets.

I'm 75% sure sweets can't spoil... or was that wine?

With a shrug, you grab one of the Twinkies, unwrap it, and scarf it down. Your eyes widening in delicious approval, you tear open 3 more, stuff them in your mouth, and chew as you open one of the pots of honey.

You dab a tiny bit on your hoof and taste. Your eyes widening again, your hunger takes control as you greedily stuff your hoof in and start shoveling hoof-fulls of the golden gooeyness into your mouth before just grabbing the whole pot and greedily lifting it above your head and just drinking the stuff.

You smack your lips in approval when your body suddenly aches in protest. Testing your theory, you focus on your aching front right limb which quickly becomes engulfed by a thin gentle green flame wave coursing through it. When the wave is over, your limb stopped aching and the bruises disappear, but you're also now hungrier.

"YES! It works!" you exclaim happily. You're about to dive in and devour the rest of the preserved sweets when you decided to test the "Sweet Chariot" sugar cubes. You unwrap one for the hay of it and pop in in your mouth.

*Ronch ronch rouch*

As you chew, you open another pot of "hunny", unwrap two Twinkies, dip the pastries into the honey, and shove them into your mouth. However, what you don't realize at the time is that these were no mere ordinary sweets. These were sweets from a time before corn syrup. Honey made by the mighty Bugbear. Sugar cubes painstakingly hoof-crafted with the most perfect grains. Sweets meant to be consumed by the royal alicorn sisters. Sweets meant for gods.

These were super-sweets.

As you swallow the honey-coated Twinkies, your pupils suddenly dilate as the honey, twinkie, and sugar all combine in you and hit your system like a suicidal stockbroker landing on a new car you just bought that morning and hadn't insured yet.

Music is everywhere and everything is a happy and awesome candyland.

Actually, you're just high on sugar, but you don't notice (or give a buck) as harp music starts playing and you hear one word repeated angelically,

Sugar

You just can't help but sing along,

Everything is sugar, everywhere I see!
Everything is sugar and that's quite alright with me

A large apple falls on your head and breaks in halves (one candied, the other caramel) that land in your hooves before you throw them into your mouth before you continue skipping.

I am a bug with hungry frame,
I can't explain,

You bump into a large living jar of sugar who you bow politely to as it responds in kind; taking it's lid off like a hat as sugar pours out and you get caught up in it like a slide.

Why everything will be changing whole,
to the favorite snacks of many foals.

Can you?

You land on a giant drill and then start tunneling through the massive sand dunes of sugar and candy.

Everything is sugar, I can't get enough
Of lots and lots of jars and jars of sandy sweety stuff

Oh what a sight, oh what a dream
Down in a wonderful, sugarful stream

You sing as you see slinkies made of twinkies, shanties made of candies, and lies made of pies(*2).

Tunneling in the sugar, tunneling far and wide
Open up my mouth and let the sugar pour inside

Sandy or gooey, but very sweet
Eat and eat, then repeat.

Suddenly the drill transforms into a giant cruise ship made of candy corn.

Suddenly I'm in a sugar boat,
It doesn't matter where we float!

The candy corn cruise ship hits a giant sugar crystal causing it to break in half and sink. You then find yourself dancing with a bunch of sour gummy sailors of various half-and-half colors.

Cus' everywhere is honey, there's the candy crew!
They're just made of sugar so I guess I'll eat them too!

You viciously pounce on one of the sour gummy sailors and tear its head off with your teeth before devouring it.

If everything is sugar, and I am what I eat
I must be made of sugar...

Suddenly you are angelically levitated into the air.

And life is very sweet!

With that you dive off and land on a red-maned alicorn as you declare,

"THE FUTURE IS IN THE PAST!!! ONWARDS FAUSTICORN!" as in your mind you ride the Pony deity through a rainbow universe of countless movie references...

HOURS LATER

"Uuuggghhh...what the buck happened?" you wonder.

You find yourself on a large ancient bed with a empty pot of honey on your head, a massive headache, and your eyes won't stop twitching. You see that you have spilled bean juice and some honey all over your belly and torso and that you're clutching a snapped off spear tip that you appear to have used as an impromptu can opener.

"Where in the buck did I get this spear?" you wonder as you get off the bed and see the room looks like a sugar-high tornado tore through it as the floor is littered with mutilated cans of beans, Twinkie and sugarcube wrappers, and several empty bottles of wine.

"Woah! I don't remember drinking th-*blech*"

Fortunately, that burp brought back the horrible bitter aftertaste of the wine.

"Blargh!" you exclaim in disgust as you start to dig around the trash and find an unwrapped Twinkie which you savagely tear open and shove in your mouth to get rid of that bitter wine taste.

"Huh, Kingstallions was right, Twinkies do go great with Chateau d'Yquem." you comment as you start exploring the bedroom...

As you explore what looks like a old bedroom, you come across a worn out Saddlebag. It has a few holes here and there but besides that is looks to be in pretty good condition. You decide to bring it along with you in case you find something valuable or cool to take with you once you leave the castle.

When you open the closet, the first thing you see is old saddlebags on the floor. Upon closer inspection, you find that outside of dust and a few tears, the saddlebag is in good sturdy condition and somehow feels larger on the inside so you put it on,

"Saddlebag" acquired

You then explore the rest of the closet. You mainly find dresses and corsets that are much too big for you, but when your eyes lay on a hat, you just freeze.

In your years of watching movies and serials, you have become familiar with many iconic hats; Zorro's sombrero cordobés, Heisenburro's pork pie, Sherclop's deerstalker (even though he barely wore in in the books and was mainly popularized by Basil Wrathbone-But I'm getting off topic), Daring Do's fedora... But only one hat has always stood out to you most.

"A Bowler Hat!" you cry out as you grab the hat and blow off the dust.

Ever since seeing Stanley Kubit's masterpiece A Clockwork Coconut (especially when those Canterlot snobs tried to ban it), you've loved the iconic, round, and practical design of the old derby. As you feel the black felt hat with fine orange silk lining on the inside, you noticed that it also feels reinforced at the brim(*3)-

"No gorram way! Just like Oddjob!" you comment as you place the hat upon your head before walking back into the room and dusting off the mirror.

As you admire your new hat, you pretend your spear tip is a cane and speak to your reflection in a creepy Trottingham accent,

"It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now to give it the perfect ending, was a bit of the old Ludwig van."

You then throw the hat in an attempt to richochet it around the room-

*CRASH tinkle*

...but you just end up breaking the mirror.

"D'oh!" you exclaim as you brush the glass shards off the Bowler and put it back on your head.

"Oh well, at least I have an awesome hat, and as everyling knows, if you have an awesome hat, you can never die. Real horrorshow..."

With that you look around the room and start putting supplies into your Saddlebags.

"Let's see... Can't stand the taste, but winetasting is a large industry plus ponies seem willing to spend all their bits on old wine for some reason. Gonna need food for the road so I better grab some beans. Sugarcubes? Hmmm... Would make a nice snack to ronch on."

"Old Bottle of Wine"
"Large Can of Beans"
"Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes"
added to Saddlebag

After getting what you could need from the room, you leave to explore the rest of the castle...

But yeah you get to the Castle and after all your high jinks you start thinking about what to do, If you could get some form of tolerance from the ponies not only will you survive longer but maybe even start a new life altogether, But how?
*Ding*
That's it If you could make deal or prove your safe then maybe they'll take pity on you, the only real problem is the guards. If you could get around them then you'll be okay, and the only pony who can do that is Princess Celestia's student; You think her name is Twilight Sparkle, From the general Information you DO remember she prides herself on her intelligence, So... a game? You search the castle for something to help your problem and find the following:
(1) Instruction and Strategist's guide To Chess
(1) Strategy guide to Risk
(1) 52 Deck of Cards
And $50,000 worth of Poker chips
As great as these are you need something a bit more to your style so it's fair, and for once in your Life of poor luck you get a Freebie as you rummage through an oddly moon themed Dressers, you find a familiar deck of cards, of course it's not your deck and it probably belonged to someone else, but, as silly as it may be, you do believe in the Heart of the Cards and you hope this belief will save your life

As you continue to cautiously wander the castle avoiding traps (your Bowler hat quickly proved it's worth when it protected you from a flamethrower trap), your mind follows suit,

You know... being completely cut off from the Hive isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe if I can find some way to get the ponies to like (or at the very least tolerate my presence enough so they don't squash me on sight) me, I could survive alot longer. Hay, I could even start a new life! But how...

*Ding*

That's it! If I could prove I come in peace, maybe they'll pity me- Wait, guards... Gorramit. If I could get around them then I'd be in the clear. I think that purple unicorn could do so, what was her name...

You stop to rack your brain for what the debriefing said about her,

"Oh yeah. Twilight Sparkle; Element of Magic and leader, Princess Celestia's student, originally from Canterlot, younger sister of Equestrian Royal Guard Captain; Shining Armor, neat freak, powerful magic potential, NOT a vampire, prides her intelligence, so... A game?"

With that you cautiously step into a room and find a broken drawer. After checking for traps, you start to rummage through it,

"Lets see... Instruction and Strategist's guide To Chess, strategy is more of the Queen's thing. Strategy Guide to Risk, never could get into that game. Small metallic gold wristband, dibs! Oh, a Deck of Cards."

Holding the Deck of Cards triggers brief memory fragments of a mission in Las Pegasus where you were undercover as a dealer. You look through the cards and see that it is a standard 52 deck, but it has an extra Ace of Spades card.

"Fascinating." you comment, "Ace of Spades is the highest card so this could be a lucky sign."

With that, you put the deck away as you put the extra Ace of Spades card in the side of the hat band of your Bowler before putting on the wristband on your front left forelimb.

"Deck of Cards"
added to Saddlebag

As great as these are, you need something a bit more to your style so it's fair so you continue to wander the castle...

When you stumble across a old looking armory, you see some pretty looking baseball-sized orbs that look like they have thunderclouds stuffed in them. You pick one up to get a closer look at it, and you see what looks like a actual storm inside it. You look at it in amazement when suddenly lighting strikes in the orb. This freaks you out enough for you to accidentally drop one which shatters and demonstrates that it IS a stormcloud and it produces a flashbag like effect. After you walk around blind for a few minutes, you take the remaining five storm could orbs to use for later.

In the lower quarters of the castle, you come across a broken door leading to an old armory. Most of the armor and weapons are far too old and rusted to be of any use to you, but you find a tiny pile of baseball-sized orbs. You pick one up and dust it off to see that it looks grey and smoky on the inside with frequent flashes of light, almost as if someling stuffed a thundercloud into an orb.

"Horrorshow- Do'h!" you accidentally drop the orb which shatters on the ground releasing a blinding flash of light and a deafening crack of thunder, causing ringing in your ears and blindness. Fortunately, you calm down long enough to concentrate on your head which then heals as a gentle green flame wave passes through it, restoring your sight and hearing to normal. However, you still find your vision blurred as the armory is now filled with a gray cloud.

"Huh... Who knew flashbangs/smoke bomb hybrids existed back then." you comment as you use your touch to locate and put the rest of these Thundercloud Orbs into your Saddlebag and then proceed to painfully stumble your way out of the cloudy armory (fortunately, your Bowler Hat stops any daggers and blades that fell on your head when you blindly bumped into a shelf).

4 "Thundercloud Orbs"
added to Saddlebag

As you traipse through the castle, you try to forget the legends you've been told. Of a creature, mysterious, a remnant of a darker past. The Pony of Shadows.
Meh. It's day time. It doesn't come out in the day.
Wait. What was that? A shadow, darting by in a corner. Was that your shadow, or was it something else...
Hehe. Ghosts aren't real. Demons aren't real. You're just getting all worked up over nothing. Hehehe.
Hehehe. Hehe. He heheheh ha ha! Hahaha ha hoo hoo! Hehehoo ha! HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!!!
A being of shadow slaps you. You shake your head vigorously, before turning to the dark shape. "Thank you. I needed that."
"No problem," the shape relplies. "Now leave me alone. I'm trying to get some sleep."

As you traipse through the castle, you try to forget the legends you've seen adapted in movies. Of a creature, mysterious, a remnant of a darker past; The Pony of Shadows.

"Meh. It's still sunlight, everyling knows monsters prefer the night."

Suddenly you sense something darting in the darkness, but when you snap your head in its direction, there's nothing there,

"What was that? Probably just my shadow. Or was it something else... Heh. Ghosts aren't real." you dismiss, "You're just getting all worked up over nothing from too much time in this castle. This dark, abandoned, ancient, boobytrapped, castle when the sun is setting. Hehehe. Hehe. He heheheh ha ha! Hahaha ha hoo hoo! Hehehoo ha! HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO H-*smack*!!!

Suddenly a being of shadow snaps you out of our delirium with a slap. You shake your head vigorously, before turning to the dark shape and saying,

"Thanks. I needed that."

"Keep it down," the shape replies gruffly. "I'm trying to get some sleep."

With that, the shadow being disappears. You continue walking before you stop and shock and whip your head back.

"Wait was that... Nah, low blood sugar is probably playing tricks on me..." you convince yourself as you unwrap and ronch on another sugar cube as you keep moving. More cautiously this time...

As you search through a old library you come across a book called "The Dao of the River" written by some pony called Starswirl. Unlike most of the books in the library, this one is still pretty readable. From what you can read from the opening it's about how normal ponies or creatures can use this inner energy called "Chi" to preform magical like moves. You read one of the moves from it called Force Push (telekinetically/telepathically push target away from you) but you comment on how hard it is to actually use these moves.
You also happen to step on some decaying book. You pick it up and see it's called Kung-Fu For Dummies Vol. 2 . You can barley read anything it says, but you manage to make out one of the moves called Chain Punch (Rapid punches to one spot). You put the book into your saddlebag in hopes that you can try to make out some more of it later

After wandering around for a while, you reach a library. You try to take the nearest book and read it, but... it seems like the hoofwriting is really old. Like, so old you cannot even read half of the letters!

We now find you in the library. You attempt to scour the books for information, but unfortunately most of the books are either written in an ancient hoofwriting prose or worn away. You could barely read anything! However, one book manages to catch your eye,

"Kung-Fu For Dummies..." you read the title outloud, "Horrorshow!"

Being a fan of old-school Neighponese chopsocky flicks, you excitedly open the book hoping to learn something like the "No Shadow Kick" or even the "Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique", but you find the book only has two remaining pages.

"D'oh!"

You're about to put the book back when you spot another (the Kung Fu book having put you in a Neighponophile mood) book spine that intrigues you,

"The Dao of the River by- Starswirl the Bearded!"

You know that name. He is supposedly one of the most powerful and wisest magic users who ever lived. Hay, it's even rumored in the Hive that his very blood flows in the veins of the Queen. You grab that book and read the back which says that Starswirl the Bearded spent some time in Neighpon where the locals were able to channel their "Chi" (their term for what we call magic) to achieve impressive feats and he wrote down what he learned.

You take both books to the nearest dusty table and begin to read and learn...

TWO HOURS LATER

"Okay... 42nd times the charm..."

With that you focus intensely on the book shelf in front of you before throwing out a hoof while declaring "Force Pull!". On cue, the books in the middle of the shelf where you pointed fly out of the shelf and land right in front of you causing you to declare

"YEAH!! Success! Fina-bucking-ly..."

It would turn out that The Dao of the River book is a very hard read. It was written over a millennium ago so not only does it have old Equestrian syntax, but Starswirl also wrote it in a difficult prose that uses alot of large words, occasional philosophical musings, and some Neighponese words thrown in too. You were just barely able to figure out how to channel your "Chi" to pull distant objects towards you.

Fortunately, the Kung-Fu for Dummies book was a much easier read. The remaining pages only had one technique on it, but it was a technique you were able to pick up on after practicing on a nearby suit of armor; "Lin Wan Kuen" or Chain Punch.

As the Queen once said, "Sometimes quantity is a quality of its own".

"The Dao of the River" book
added to Saddlebags

Learned "Chain Punch" (rapid barrage of punches to one spot) and "Force Pull" (short range and requires concentration)

As you practice your two new techniques, you can't help but comment,

"I sure am talking to myself alot more. I probably sound like one of those characters that does nothing but spout exposition because the writer is a hack who can't write for-"

Suddenly you punch yourself in the face.

"Ow... Why did I do that?"

Shrugging that weirdness off, you notice that the sun is starting to set so it would probably be best to find a secure place to sleep in this castle, but suddenly you hear from the front of the castle,

"Squad, halt!"

Intrigued by this action, you discreetly head towards the entrance area. From your hiding spot, you see a squad of 7 ponies cautiously entering the castle. While training has taught you that the Equestrian Royal Guard have armor magically modified to give them all a uniform appearance (either white or dark grey) you can tell that of the 7; 2 are Pegasi, 2 are Unicorns, and 3 are Earth Ponies.

"With all due respect Lieutenant, what are we doing in this abandoned castle?" an Earth Pony guard asks.

"You all heard that commotion earlier Corporal!" the Unicorn Lieutenant responds, "It is our duty to investigate these ruins for anything unusual to suppress and report back to base."

"Like changelings?" one of the Pegasus guards asks sarcastically.

"No, the tooth fairy- Of course changelings you featherbrain!" the Lieutenant snaps.

"This is, what? The 300th changeling hunt you've lead us on? Lieutenant, that other changeling incident in this forest was a long time ago." the pegasus says.

"You mean that orange-maned changeling that attacked the Elements of Magic and Honesty before disappearing into the woods?" another Unicorn Guard asks.

"No no no", the earth pony Coporal corrects, "My brother was there and he said the changeling threw dirt in the eyes of Miss Sparkle and then fled with two squads in pursuit. He said the changeling almost evaded them at the Two Seasons path, but then it blundered into a campsite where a Diamond Dog was cooking where its mane was set on fire when it stumbled into the campfir-"

"Ouch!"

"But wait, I'm not finished yet; The changeling then stumbled off a cliff where he bounced off of every jagged rock before his back slammed into a rugged boulder with a crack, then a pack of snarling Timberwolves appeared, and then..."

"Sweet Celestia!"

"So... you think he's dead?" one of the pegasi snarks only to get slapped upside the back of his head by the Lieutenant.

"What did I say about sass Private?! But that is just proof that there could be more changelings hiding in this forest and it is our duty to hunt down and catch these pests in the name of the Princess! Now split up and investigate the ruins as I guard the front entrance!"

As the Guards fan out to search the ruins, one thought goes through your head,

Curse you 9001! Even in death you still buck things up for the rest of us!

WHAT DO YOU DO?!

Author's Note

(*1) Which is totally not a lazy attempt at exposition. :scootangel:
(*2) Normally, you’d question how this architecture was possible, but you're too sugar high to give a buck.
(*3) The hat was actually a gift to Princess Celestia from the Duke of Trottingham. It's made with the finest exported Yakyakistani felt, Neighponese silk, and graphene that has been magically modified to firmly stay on the wearer's head even when upside down, be fireproof, acid-proof, magic resistant, extremely tough and comfortable at the same time, and has a diamond-reinforced brim.

Incoming guards! Fight or flight, run or hide, what you DO?!!!

As you can probably tell, this is pretty much the "gathering supplies" chapter. For a look at your loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebag
-Bowler Hat with "Ace of Spades" card in hatband
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs
-"The Dao of the River" book

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short range "Force Pull" that requires alot of focus
-Still very good at hide and seek

Also, yes. The changeling the guards are talking about is Private 9001/Bugze from The Life of a Wanted Changeling, but this is an alternate universe fic inspired by that, not a ripoff. Bugze ain't showing up again (maybe flashbacks) and try not to make 815 a mere "Diet Bugze". Speaking of which, while you all can comment what you want, I got some optional challenges for you guys:

A. 815 (you) should leave via the front door he came in.
B. Take out the 7 Guards in the castle either accidentally or on purpose.
Think of it as a challenge and a way to make 815 different from Bugze. And a chance for more comedy.

And as for the answer to last chapter's question:

Best movie: BrownDog77

It's hard to say what my all time favorite movie is, but If I had to pick one, I guess The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly would be it. I love this movie because of a few reasons.
1. Clint Eastwood is King, Hail to Him.
2. It shows how the west wasn't a very good place. Everyone and everything was out to kill you.
3. There is no unnecessary romances, no grandiose hidden meaning, and no political statement, it's just a story of morally questionable people trying to find treasure.
4. Tucco and the Man With No Name have the best Frenemy dynamic I've ever seen.
5. There 3 Way Duel at the end is one of my favorite scenes in movie history.
Freaking Love this Movie.

Couldn't agree more BrownDog77, GBU is Sergio's masterpiece

Worst Movie: SnapDrakeGames

As for worst movie, I was babysitting this one time and the family had rented Puss in Boots to watch. Not this Puss in Boots movie, though that one wasn't all that great. This one. It's friggin' horrible.

Yikes! Few genres are quite as bad as the cheap CGI ripoff genre.

See you all for the next one! :pinkiehappy:

Chapter 3: Time for stealth! Very... violent... stealth...

From your hiding place, you see the Royal Guards start to spit up when...

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Another of the soldier begin to comment as he raised a hoof.
"Ummm... I don't know if it's related, but I have a cousin that live around here in ponyville and told me something about a changeling and the elements of harmony and a thing about 'This is my meat shield, exist many meat shields' that and strange boxes that appeared and dissapeared" Commented the soldier
"Bah, those are rumors, we investigated and that never happened" Comment the Lieutenant

"Uh sir..." one of the earth pony guards begins nervously "Are you sure it's such a good idea to split up? This castle is supposed to be haunted after all."

"Private, are you questioning my methods?" the Lieutenant growls at his subordinate, "These methods are tried and true, by the book!" he pulls out a small hoofbook with the title How NOT to Survive Horror Stories "This book has never let me down, and it says right here 'Rule Number 12: Always split up to cover more ground, no matter how unsafe or illogical'!"

I'm guessing the crossed-out word starts with 'N' and rhymes with 'thought'. you mentally snark, Even if their Lieutenant is a numbskull for not having one, surely his subordinates wouldn't be so du-

"Hmm... that doesn't make sense to me, but if the book said it it must be true." one guard says and his compatriots agree.

I stand corrected.

"Ummm... I don't know if it's related, but I have a cousin that lives around here in Ponyville and she told me something about how a changeling used one of the elements as a shield while chanting 'This is my meat shield' and reports of strange boxes in this castle." one of the Pegsus guards asks.

"Bah, those were just rumors. I investigated the matter personally and found no evidence of this." the Lieutenant says, "Now fan out and search these ruins! That's an order."

With that, each of the guards takes off in a random direction into the castle while the Lieutenant keeps watch at the entrance.

At least this makes my job easier. you think as you watch this all take place from the shadow of beneath a fallen pillar, staying perfectly still as an Earth Pony guard obliviously walks right past you.

Now to get out of here without being spotted. you think after the guard is far enough away from you.

There's only one guard standing so it should be easy to just knock him out and slip past. You creep up to him slowly, tip-hoofing across the floor and wishing it would stop making such an echo whenever you took a step, but you manage to get ever closer and overhear a bit of what the Lieutenant is muttering to himself.

"I hope something happens soon. I'm getting bored just standing here, with my back turned... and my defenses lowered... E'yup, would sure be easy for somepony to take me out now that I think about it, but the trusty guard manual wouldn't lie to me." he tells himself, pulling out another small hoofbook titled Guarding for Dummies, "You'd never let me down, would you sweetie?"

As he starts to kiss the book, you can't even feel bad about what you're about to use on him; the dreaded, famous and undoubtedly effective Vulcan nerve-pinch!

If Chi can allow me to use the 'force', then surely I can pull off Spock too. Now to just grab the victim where the neck meets the shoulders, focus my chi, and... you pinch the stallion's muscular neck with your hoof.

And nothing happens.

So you try again. And again. Pinching harder and more firmly each time.

Why isn't this working?! you think to yourself.

You then hear the Lieutenant grunt a bit,

"Private Melrose, is that you? I know your parents wanted you to be a masseuse but I gave you a direct order to search the castle for change-" he stops when he turns around to see you standing there, and his look of shock quickly turns to a deep, furious frown.

"Uh, I am not the changeling you are looking for?" you nervously say as you wave a hoof, to which he growls and prepares to attack, fortunately you think quickly and yell,

"POCKET SAND!" as you quickly grab and throw a hooffull of dust from the castle floor into the Lieutenant's eyes.

"MY EYES!" you hear him yell as you dart off further into the castle, "CODE RAID! CODE RAID! CHANGELING IN THE VICINITY!"

Fight only if you have to. You don't want to attack them only to find out that you weren't ready. try to get away, and hide somewhere the Guards won't think of looking...

After evading the Guards, take some time to catch your breath and think about your scenario

Go 815, use one of your orbs of thunder on them.
You hear one of the guards yell "MY EYES" and another that for some reason moans "my leg"

On one of the upper floors of the castle, you cautiously catch your breath as you hide in the shadows of the hall. After some breathing, you start to think,

Okay... I'm stuck in the abandoned ruins of a castle at sundown with 7 Royal Guards who now know for certain I'm in the area. Sure, those guys were easy to subdue and slime at Canterlot, but I had overwhelming numbers then and sliming takes too long for a single changeling. At least I should be safe up here on... the... wall...

You think look at your hooves and realize that you are literally on the wall hiding under a banner. Your memory then clears a bit as you remember that changelings are capable of walking on walls and even ceilings.

...Wish I remembered that when I was climbing that tree. you think in an annoyed tone before you calm down and start to think about your scenario while cautiously keeping an eye out for roving ponies,

Let's see... I just acquired some flashbang-like "Thundercloud Orbs", but I only have a few of them so I better not waste them. I just learned two new moves, but the "Force Pull" needs alot of focus and I just learned them less than an hour ago. I have an Oddjob-style Bowler which should protect me, but my aim with it needs work. I still can't fly or disguise myself so this wall-crawling will help.

With that you slowly move up to the ceiling, but you find you can't get a good grip on it...

BrownDog77 comment

There goes that option. The last thing I want is to get caught so I better Splinter Unit my way past those guards and out of here.

With that, you slowly start to sneak along the wall. Unfortunately, these guards also know changelings can walk on walls and are constantly using torches (or unicorn magic) to scan the walls forcing you to frequently duck and land behind statues and banners. Eventually, you reach an area where the way in front of you is blocked by a handrail and you spot a window across from you. You're about to take the long way (crawling on the wall all the way around the large room to get to the window) when you spot some guards scouting the hallway the floor down. You get concerned about being spotted when you see the chandelier and get an idea,

Hmmm... Wall-crawling across would take too long increasing my chances of being spotted, but if I just swing on this chandelier, not only will it be faster, but the noise would create enough of a ruckus to serve as a distraction.

With that, you take a few steps back, get a running start, jump, and grab the chandelier…

*snap* "D'OH!"

Unfortunately, the chain holding it up has been rendered fragile due to rust and age so the chandelier (and you) are both sent smashing down on top of a poor Pegasus Guard flying ahead of the group (*1 Pegasus Guard Down. 6 Remaining Total*). The crash echoes across the castle causing the Guards to rush into the area, but it also kicks up a large cloud of dust.

You're about to panic and flee, but...

SnapDrakeGame's comment

"What was that?!"

"A chandelier just crushed Private Prunes!"

Wait a minute; This hallway looks familiar... In fact, I know this castle better than those guys and I just rode a mass of metal smashing down from above. And... what is that on their faces? you think.

As the Guards talk loudly to each other with a hint of panic in their voices, you squint to see better through the dusty darkness and you notice fear on some of the Guard's faces at this turn of events. Perhaps in another world, this would be your call to flee, to try to escape the massacre that would likely go down should you try to engage these guards. However, the current environment makes you feel like doing something... extreme. Time seems to slow down as your mind cooks up a cunning plan. It's not entirely baked- in fact, it's probably a little too gooey at the center- but if worst comes to worst you should be able to escape regardless.

They're still in shock at that crash. And with this dust is concealing me, I have the element of surprise! Even better, I have the perfect opportunity for one hay of an entrance. you smirk, These guys think that I'm just another roach that can be stamped out? Perhaps I should educate them on just how wrong they are...

"You think it's the Pony of Shadows?" one guard asks with a hint of nervousness.

"Of course not you idiot!" the Lieutenant barks and is about to continue when you interrupt in a creepy Trottingham accent,

"Correct, However..."

As the guards look at the dust cloud in shock at this statement, you squint your eyes, point out a hoof, and focus your chi on a spear being held by the most nervous-looking Earth Pony Guard. Suddenly, the spear flies out of his hooves and into the dust cloud to the shock and surprise of the other Guards.

"You're all dealing with something far worse..."

You catch the spear and perform a quick twirl to clear away the dust as you complete the look by letting a small wave of green fire cover your body (for both presentation and just in case to heal any minor aches or cuts from that fall) as you cock your head down. With your hat at a cocked angle covering most of your face and with the limb holding the spear outstretched at your side, you look like quite the dapper figure indeed.

"Top 'a the mornin' to ya." you say, breaking the silence as you inject a hint of madness into your grin as you tilt your head up just enough for your blue changeling eyes to peer through from under the brim of your Bowler. The guards stare at you in shock before their lieutenant speaks up.

"The changeling is standing right there! Get him already!"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," you grin. "Something tells me you rozzes (cops) don't quite know who I am..."

"Well, you're wearing a Bowler Hat and speaking in a Trottingham accent while using Nadsat slang words like Alex from A Clockwork Coconut-" one of the Unicorn guards pipes up, but suddenly silences himself when he notices that the rest turned to give him odd looks. "Uh... not that I watched that or anything, Heh heh it's totally banned," the guard replies, nervously.

"Well, you'd be partially correct there, my droog (friend)," you tell them, "But what I is none of your shilarny (concern) as you are all malenky (little) insects loveted (caught) in my web."

The unicorn guard who piped up originally gasps, his eyes widening. "No way..." he mutters.

"Hold it. Isn't Alex a pony?" Another guard asks.

"No. No I'm not," you grin and in a flash you cast a disguise spell, and appear just like Alex from A Clockwork Coconut. The disguise zaps back a second later, and a pain shoots through your horn, but you hide it. "Why do you think I was able to crast and drat sods without a rozz getting on my case? Answer: Changeling disguis-"

"Can it roach!" The Lieutenant barks, "There's a big gaping hole in this story of yours and that's the fact that A Clockwork Coconut is a fictional piece of work."

"Is it?" you ask. "Didn't any of you millicents (cops) have a smot (look) at the credit at the start of the sinny (movie) that skazat (said) "Based on a true story?"

By now the majority of the guards are looking a bit unnerved. The lieutenant glances towards the guard who "totally hasn't" seen A Clockwork Coconut.

"Alright," he asks. "If this guy is who he claims to be, what would we be dealing with?"

"Sociopathic teen with delusions of eloquence and culture," the guard responds, his eyes darting wildly around, "He'll beat us all with his cane-knife in a frenzy of Milk-Plus-fueled ultraviolence before in-out-in-outing us while whistling Singing in the Rain. Oh Celestia no! Please spare me-*smack*"

"Snap out of it soldier!", The lieutenant barks after slapping the guard before turning back towards you, eyes narrowing, "Well, "Mr. Alex", I believe there's still one factor you've failed to take into consideration. There are seven of us and only one of you."

"Seven? What are you govoreeting (talking) about? I only viddy (count) five." you say gesturing to the unconscious Pegasus under the chandelier,

"I don't know what you're babbling about," the lieutenant says, striding forwards, "However, here's something even a bug-brain like you can understand; You're hereby under arrest by the Royal Guard of-aaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!"

The carpet beneath the lieutenant caves in, revealing a deep pit beneath and the lieutenant screams all the way to the bottom.

"Like I said, five." you say, flashing a mad smirk (*1 Unicorn Lieutenant missing. 5 Remaining Total*). You can hardly believe that noling has called your bluff, but you're loving every second of this..

"By the way, don't try to leave the cantora (office). You'll find that the door has already shut."

"Wh-what are you going to do with us?" one guard stammers, glancing left and right as if searching for a way to escape.

“Why the answer to that is awfully simple. I’m going, tooooo…” your tongue catches as you realize that you actually really don’t have any plans up to this point.

“Mmm… probably gonna run away in a comedic fashion, Catch!” you finish as you throw the spear at the Guards before turning and running. A moment later, a spear flies over your head. As you run down the halls you spot a familiar looking vase...

*ding*

Getting an idea, you quickly reach into your saddlebags as you continue running from the pursuing guards. You manage to grab a sugarcube as you run past the vase and take a quick look back to see the Guards are still in pursuit. With a quick turn you throw the sugarcube at the vase which merely nudges it, but it's enough to to activate the pressure mechanism causing a pair of hammers to come out of the walls and smash down on either sides of the vase and onto the heads of two of the Guards in the front, knocking them out (*1 Pegasus Guard and 1 Earth Pony Guard Down. 3 Remaining Total*).

“Kiss my sharries (balls)!” you taunt as you round the corner before you smack headfirst into a wall.

After briefly shaking the impact off, you glance around, and realize that you’ve come to a dead end! You're about to run in the opposite direction when you realize that the guards have the only other path blocked off.

“D'oh- Wait, abandoned castle!”

With that you run back to the wall and start pressing on bricks as you hear the Guards coming closer and closer,

“Please be secret door. Please be secret door. Please be secret door."

Your hoof eventually presses against a loose brick opening a trapdoor next to you,

"Yay-woah!”

Suddenly another spear embeds itself into the wall just next to your head making you let go of the brick (closing the trapdoor) and you turn to see three angry Royal Guards with spears (except for the one spear-throwing guard who is still glaring at you, but has a hoof patting around the floor looking for something to hurt you with) pointed at you.

“Oh right. Almost forgot about you guys.”

You then take a step to the side so that you're right over the trapdoor and smirk as you say,

"Well I'd love to stay and chat, but you know how these old castles are; Always falling apart at the drop of a hat."

With that you press the wall behind you, but only touch solid implanted brick,

"Uh, See you next fall!" you say as your smirk falters and you press against another brick only for nothing to happen.

"Would you kindly give me a minute..." you chuckle nervously before you turn around and start pressing the bricks like mad. The Guards decide that they've had enough of your antics and close in, but you manage to press the right brick and the trapdoor opens beneath your hooves causing you to fall away.

You tumble in a heap at the bottom of the pit. Glancing around, you appear to have landed in some dungeon of sorts. It's quite dark and the only windows are covered by bars. Opposite the windows are some more bars, locking any prisoners from the brightly-lit hallway beyond. Now it looks like you need to find someway out of the cell, and fast- you'd hate for a guard to come down here and catch you trapped in here. You approach the cell door when you notice the dim light reflecting off some words engraved on your wristband.

"Aquila Talon... Huh." you comment before you attempt to push open the cell door, but as soon as you touch it the door just falls to the ground with a cacophonous crash,

"D'oh!"

"What was that?" you hear some voice say upstairs,

"It came from downstairs" you hear the Earth Pony Corporal say, "Private Stuart, use your unicorn magic to scout that area while we look for the Lieutenant."

"Stupid rusty hinges." you mutter under your breath as you hear the approaching hoofsteps of another guard. You duck into the shadows, before trying to use your changeling hooves to climb onto the ceiling and crouch low into the shadows. You've barely hauled yourself out of the line of sight when the unicorn guard bursts into the chamber. His horn glowing to provide light, he gives a quick glance into your cell and fails to spot you on the ceiling before he starts checking out the other cells.

As he opens the door to one of the cells and sticks his head in to peer inside, you take this as your call to act.

You drop down onto the ground and duck under a cot just as the Unicorn turns around at the sound of your landing. Finding nopony there, he moves on to the next cell as you creep silently up behind him. When you're close enough to make out a small mole on his right flank you give him a big push. Catching the guard flat-hooved, he stumbles into the cell and you slam the cell door on him. You're about to spout of a one-liner when the cell door suddenly falls forward and crashes onto the ground. You both just stand there in awkward silence for a moment before you sheepishly say,

"Oh yeah... Rusted hinges-"

Suddenly the unicorn guards charges at you with his spear outstretched in his magic causing you to stumble back in shock and flail your limbs in panic. Somehow you manage to do something right for as you fall and flail a limb at the Guard's head, your left forelimb deploys a hidden hookblade that juts out and hits the unicorn on the horn, causing him to drop his spear and clutch his head in dizziness and pain.

You look at your left forearm in confusion only to see that the metallic gold wristband has been replaced with a bracer with a hookblade jutting out of it. You don't have too much time to admire it as the Unicorn could recover from his assault at any moment (*1*) so you rush forward and, on instinct, you grab the unicorn's horn with your hookblade to pull his head down before quickly rolling over the guard's back as you place your right elbow pit on the front of his neck. Using this momentum and your body weight, you throw the guard with enough force to violently slam his face into the wall before using your newly learned "Chain Punch" to deliver a barrage of blows to the Unicorn's horn just to be sure. After punching him so many times you've lost count you exclaim,

"Woo! That was real horrorshow!" to yourself in excitement with the rush still in you (*1 Unicorn Guard Down. 2 Remaining Total*). You glance back down at the gauntlet and its hidden hookblade, grinning wildly.

"Oh, this is awesome! Now I can be like Ezio, going around stabbing ponies! Except apparently it's more like a hook without a blade... still awesome! But where did it come from?" you ask yourself as your excitement turns to confusion, "I could have sworn I was wearing a metallic gold wristband with the words 'Aquila Talon' engraved on- Woah!"

Suddenly the bracer is engulfed in a brief flash of light and turns back into your wristband. You blink in confusion before cautiously reading the engraving,

"Aquila... Talon-" Suddenly there's another flash of light and the wristband turns into the bracer. After some brief experimenting, you find that saying "Aquila Talon" causes the accessory on your left forelimb to change from a metallic gold wristband to a bracer with a hidden hookblade and vice-versa. You also find that by moving your hoof ever so subtly back, you can retract the blade (you have decided to dub this bracer/hidden hookblade the 'Aquila Talon' after its activation phrase). Useful to know.

Climbing up a flight of stairs, you find yourself in a tall hallway. Your ears flick when you detect a voices coming down the hall. Your eyes glance around for places to hide. The shadowy corners of the ceiling come to mind,

Buck... I can't wall-climb up there in time! Unless...

Turning back to the 'Aquila Talon', you engage the hidden hookblade. You really hope that genre savviness is the appropriate knowledge to consult right now as you quickly rear your left arm back as you think,

Okay, if flicking my wrist forward deploys the hookblade and flicking my wrist back retracts it, then shooting my wrist forward with the hookblade deployed should-

You throw your arm forward and the hookblade ejects out of the bracer with a sturdy-looking chain attached to it,

"Yes!" you exclaim as the hookblade latches onto a hole in the celing. hearing the footsteps of the guards getting faster, you flick your hoof back again causing the chain to retracts and pull you up to the ceiling.

Hidden blade AND a grappling hook? Horrorshow! you think in glee as you attach yourself to the celing and crouch into the shadows not a moment too soon as two guards (both Earth Ponies) rush into the spot you were just standing.

"I could have sworn I heard something here." the grey-coated Corporal Guard says.

"Well, what do we do now, Sir? I haven't seen any changelings or the Lieutenant." the second white-coated Guard asks.

"He might've taken a secret passage," the Corporal replies. "He seems to know where most of them are. We should carefully check around this hall for any passages."

With a nod, the white-coated Guard heads towards the stairs to the second floor as the Corporal continues to carefully search the hall.

BrownDog77 comment

Staying on the celing, you sneakily follow the Grey Guard as he explores the room. You suddenly notice that he's approaching a trap that activates a giant ax that's at just the right distance to decapitate somepony (you only dodged it because you thought you found a Bit on the floor). Not wanting any blood on your hooves (*2), you dive down from your spot on the celing just above him and and push him out of the way just in time…

*crash*

Unfortunately you pushed him directly towards a handrail which breaks under his weight. You rush forth and catch him by his hind leg.

“I gotcha!” you cry out.

"Ha Ha, very funny Corporal." the Guard chuckles sarcastically, "Can you please let me up Sir?"

"Actually, I'm not a Corporal. I'm a Specialist." you reply.

"I- Who- Oh horseapples..."

You're about to say something else when you realize it looks like you're pulling those dangling-interrogation like Batmane, thinking quickly, you change your voice to sound like it’s deep and gravely (*3*),

"Alright, who are you working for?"

"Forget it roach! I ain't telling you anything!" the Guard says defiantly.

"Are you crazy? This castle is 88 basements deep and you're right above the hatch straight down without a ladder."

Actually, you're both just on the 2nd floor and you don't know how deep the basement is, but castle is too dark to see the floor anyway, but the Guard doesn't know this as he responds,

"What?"

"Fun fact; It's not true that you black out before you smash into the ground. You see it coming the whole way." you continue in what you call your "Intimidation Voice".

"Yo-You wouldn't!"

"You want to convince me not to? Give me some intelligence right now." you demand.

"I don't have any intelligence!"

"You are aware that you just called yourself stupid." you snark in a deadpan tone.

"I'm not stupid!"

"Really? Then say something to prove it or else my grip might slip..."

"Okay, Okay!"

"Now as I said before; What are you doing here? And don't make me repeat myself again or your remains will be indistinguishable from mashed potatoes.” you growl.

“We were sent to investigate this area because the Element of Loyalty heard strange singing!”

“Strange singin- Oh…” you say as you remember your Sugar-High.

“Just please don’t drop me, please,” he begs.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to anyw-*slip* Do'h!” you explain in your normal voice before your grip on him slips and he screams as he plummets before landing head first on a cabinet below, smashing through the shelves. You cringe and peer over the edge, but thankfully he is alive and groaning.

“My Bad!” you tell him.

“Private! Are you okay!” you hear another shout.

In your panic, you run towards the nearby stairs and accidentally run into the Corporal, but due to your momentum you end up knocking into him sending you both down the stairs. Fortunately (for you that is) the Guard ends up cushioning your fall as you ride him down the stairs with his head banging against every step until you reach the bottom where you fall off him. You stumble back up and see the two unconscious (and probably concussion-ed) guards and comment,

"Dang... Well I guess that's the last of them."

(*2 Earth Pony Guards Down. None Remain-*)

"Stallions! Fall in!"

(*Scratch that. 1 Unicorn Lieutenant reappeared. 1 Remaining*)

"Gorramit!" you mutter as you use Aquila Talon to grapple back up to the ceiling as the Lieutenant runs into the room.

"Celestia Darn it! Where are... you..." His voice trails off as he sees the two unconscious Pony Guards, "My stallions! What could have done this to them?!"

You're about to ceiling-crawl out of the castle when all those times you have played the Batmane: Arkham arcade games gives you a wicked idea,

This guy's probably the last pony standing. This is gonna be fun...

"That would be me." you call from the ceiling in your "Intimidation Voice" and scurry to another spot as the Unicorn flashes his horn on the spot.

"Who's there? I demand you identify yourself in the name of the Princess!" the Unicorn Lieutenant demands.

"Yeah... from where I'm standing, you're not in a position to demand a little glass of water." you snark as you drop down onto the second floor of the castle.

"Watch your tone scum! You're speaking to Lieutenant Gorman of the Equestrian Royal Guard! I'm in charge of this squad-"

“Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants!” you interrupt as you pick up some stones lying on the floor.

He turns towards the darkness, his horn glowing,

“I’m not Sir Fancy Pants, I’m-”

You interrupt him with a rock throw which causes him to reflexively shine his horn at where he heard the rock land only to find nothing there,

“I got news for you pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack and Shit… and Jack left town.” you taunt as you climb back up to the ceiling.

“Sergeant Jack didn’t leave town, he’s back at the station-” the guard says while looking around for you in confusion.

“No, it-I… Shut Up!” you yell in frustration before you reacquire your 'intimidation voice', "The point is you're the only one left Louie."

"That's a lie!" the Lieutenant says defensively, "You may have gotten really lucky two of my Privates along with Corporal York, but I still have 3 other stallio-!"

You throw another rock closer to him causing him to reflexively flash his horn light again only to (again) see nothing.

"Oh, you mean the unicorn who's sleeping off gorging on a large plate of wall downstairs or those two guys in the hall who just learned when is hammert-?"

"Shut it roach!" The Lieutenant says with a hint of fear in his voice as he cautiously walks backwards. "I am nothing like my stallions! When I find you I'm gonna--"

His defiant threats are stopped when a suit of armor suddenly forcibly pulls itself onto the unicorn causing him to scream and smash it off of him.

"Indeed, you're not." you snark, "From the way you beat up empty suits of armor, you're clearly the greatest warrior in all the land."

"Silence! Show yourself you co-"

A rock hits him from the left making him spin his head in that direction and fire off a spell, but you aren't there.

"You're getting warmer..." you taunt.

Another rock hits him from behind and he fires off two spells, but he still hits empty space.

"Wait, did I say warmer? I meant colder." you snark as you throw another rock just behind him making him whirl around and panic-fire more spells.

"Like cold enough to sink-a-ship-that-would-be-the-world's-most-expensive-chick-flick cold."

"WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING?!!!" he shouts in panic as he starts looking around wildly.

"To be honest with you Louie, I could end you at ANY moment, but I'm Just instilling as much fear as I can." you comment, "As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to dropkick. That's right. I'm going to BUCK the fear turk-"

You then stop when you realize how moronically off-track your metaphor had gotten, but it seems to do it's job as the Lieutenant is now in full on panic screaming,

"Wh-WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU?!!!"

"I am many things Louie", you taunt, "But most importantly..."

Suddenly the Lieutenant feels something small land on his back that makes him just freeze in fear as a voice whispers,

"I'm right above you."

The Lieutenant darts his head straight up only to scream as he sees a demonic giant insect descending upon him with a large object in his hooves screaming, "I AM THE NIGHT!!!" before smashing him in the head with a large can of beans. After giving the Unicorn another whack just to be sure that he's out (and admiring how the can is dented, but not leaking), you excitedly gush,

"That was bucking awesome! With the stealth and the taunting and the voice, I didn't think that would actually work! Batmane got nothing on me-"

Yeah... it's gonna be a while before the adrenaline wears off so lets come back later.

LATER

Now that you've calmed down, you ronch on the sugarcube you dropped on the Lieutenant as you think of what to do next,

Let's see... I just taken down a whole group of enemies one-by-one so arcade game logic dictates I should loot their bodies and dispose of the bodies in a fire-

You then facehoof as you continue,

Wait, no! I can't just kill them! They're already beaten and leaving a trail of corpses wherever I go won't do me any favors in the long-run...

With that, you instead settle for just rummaging through their armor for some Bits. You do feel slightly guilty about this, but you are behind enemy lines and you did beat these guys ("To the victor go the spoils..."). Besides, you mainly come across I.O.U.s and bar tab receipts.

"Probably only a few days away from payday." you mutter as you pocket what Bits you found.

50 Bits(*4*)
Added to Saddlebags

Feeling confident with your new supplies, you walk out of the castle through the front door when you're blindsided by the sound of terrified screams in the forest and judging from the sound you determine,

"Those screams. It sounds like three young female- Oh buck no... THERE'S THREE FILLIES IN THIS BUCKING FOREST!"

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(*1*) While flicking or slapping a unicorn's horn can disable their magic and cause them an extremely brief ache, punching or hitting a Unicorn's horn is the pain equivalent of a nutshot to the head that also renders the Unicorn dizzy.
(*2*) Concussions and injuries; sure, but you'd prefer to keep the bloodshed to an absolute minimum. You may be behind enemies lines, but leaving a trail of corpses will NOT help you in the long run. Besides, you can't feed on the love of the dead (and your Hive has tried).
(*3*) Imagine a badflank cross between Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson/Neighson) and Sam Fisher (Michael Ironside)
(*4*) For the sake of financial comparison; 1 Equestrian Bit is worth 2 American Dollars.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags
-Bowler Hat with "Ace of Spades" card in hatband
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-50 Bits

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short range "Force Pull" that requires alot of focus

Okay guys, seeing how we've have a few foundations of his character, it's time to give you (Specilaist 815 the changeling) a name.

To make this more interesting, here are some guidelines;

Each commenter can suggest up to 3 names.

The names should be in this format;

"You like the name? I took it from, uh, my favorite historical character and my second-favorite Szechuan restaurant in Brooklyn."
-Hannibal Chau, Pacific Rim

Meaning one part of the name (first or last) should be named after a character either real (like Dumas, Voltaire, Benedict, etc.) or fictional (like Rambo, Ezio, Hayabusa, etc.).
The second part of the name (again, first or last. Order doesn't matter) should be the name of a real restaurant (like Buca, O'Charley's, Zantigo, etc.) or even a food (Burger, Reuben, Menemen).

SAMPLE NAME: Gyro Quixote
3. Please NO John’s, James’s, Jack’s, Smith’s or any variations of those names (Johnny, Jackson, Jonathan, etc.). Those names are WAY too overused.

The finalists will be chosen and voted on next chapter. HAVE FUN EVERYLING!!! :pinkiehappy:

Chapter 5: A Roof Over My Head And Clothes on My Back.

Kichi's comment

You decide to talk with these "Cutie Mark Crusaders" some more. After all, you're now a hero to them and they still give a little of love. It's not as much as it was a few moments ago (you had to consume that love to heal your Chimera-broken ribs), but it's enough as friendly love. You're about to talk to the fillies when you suddenly notice that one of them is gone.

"Wait... Wasn't there three of yo-"

You're interrupted when you sense someling messing with your Saddlebags and you turn to see the yellow filly with the bow rummaging through your Saddlebags and taking out your Old Bottle of Wine.

"Hey, What's this stuff?" Ask Apple Bloom

"Hey! Keep your hooves to yourself!" you snap in alarm as you grab the bottle out of her hooves.

"Sorry Mistah 815, but I was thinking that maybe you had some sorta strange changeling item that could give us all cutie marks. What's in that bottle anyway?"

"It's uuuuhhh... Medicine, yeah, right... It's a little medicine" You decide to lie as you don't want to explain what is alcohol to the children. Changing the topic, you declare,

"Anyway- my new pony name will be Ritz DeWitt!"

"Ritz, DeWitt." the fillies all say, trying out the name.

"You like the name? I took it from, uh, my favorite brand of crackers and the protagonist of my second-favorite first-pony shooter."(1)

"Hmmm... I guess it works." Applebloom replies.

"Yeah, now you can go into Ponyville with us!" Scootaloo adds and is about to head into town when...

SnapDrakeGames's comment

"Hold on a minute, let me get this straight," you say to the fillies with a deadpan expression, "Your plan is to walk a changeling into a town in a country where my entire species is on wanted posters, wake the entire population in the middle of the night, and then somehow convince all these grumpy pre-coffee-ed ponies that a creature that looks exactly like the ones who invaded two weeks ago A.) Isn't evil and B.) Shouldn't be killed on sight."

"Yep!" they all obliviously and cheerfully respond. You just give them a deadpan look and snark,

"And while we're at it, why don't we polish some torches, wrap some pitchforks in salt-covered barb wire, and, I don't know, maybe tie a lovely silk noose for- Wait!" you cry, interrupting your own sarcastic rambling when you remembering something the crusaders had said before. "When you said 'Twilight,' did you mean Twilight Sparkle; Unicorn, possible OCD, huge bookworm, Element of Magic, Leader of the Bearers of the Element of Harmony, Personal Student of Princess Celestia, L.S.B.F.F. (2) of Royal Guard Captain (and technical Prince) Shining Armor, AND who you said took on and beat my Queen single-hoofedly?!!!"

The foals nod, and your mind clouds with fear.

"Oh buck oh buck oh buck! This is so not horrorshow, this is so un-horrorshow it's a bucking G-rated sugary foal's comedy! Oh motherbuc-!"

"Calm down, Mistah changeling," Applebloom says. "Miss Twilight is always understanding and kind and caring and-"

"Calm down!?" you scream. "Kid, 'Miss Twilight' and her friends single-hoofedly took out a platoon of changelings during the Canterlot Invasion. A whole bucking platoon! Therefore, the plan is now: I hide out on a train and get the buck out of dodge before everyling brings Tartarus crashing down on me!"

"Uh- sir?" Sweetie Belle interrupts. "Why would you be getting out of Dodge? We're not in Dodge Junction."

You facehoof before muttering,

"Someling remind me how we got our flanks kicked by these creatures... Twice..."

Love the Changeling's comment

After rubbing off your face with the facehoof, you say,

"So my only options are staying in the Everfree, where everything and anything would try to maim, kill, or eat me, or stay in Ponyville, where the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony live?"

The Crusaders nod their heads.

"The same Bearers that are on high alert for changelings and would likely squash me on sight?"

They all look at each other, turn back to you and hesitantly nod.

All is silent for a few seconds, until Scootaloo asks, "Well, if being found is the problem, why don't you just disguise yourself?"

"The only issue with that is that I can't right now, it's on the fritz," You tell them, "Any other ideas?"

A few more seconds pass,

"Well, we could try hiding you in the Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse," Sweetie Belle pipes up, "It's not in Ponyville itself, nopony really bothers us out there, and you can eat the apples that grow on the tree."

Huh, it sounds like it would be the perfect place to stay, and it has free food!, You think to yourself, It's either there or in the dark, spooky forest where the chimera lives.

After mentally debating it to yourself, you figure that it's the best you're going to get, at least for now,

"Well then let-"

"Maybe we'll get our Cutie Marks" Apple Bloom gasps.

"Hay yeah! You know what this means?!" Scootaloo beams.

"Oh no..." You say as you start to get a sinking feeling in your gut.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHANGELING SMUGGLERS YAY!" They all shout in unison.

As you're trying to get over your temporary deafness you manage to offhoofedly comment,

"On second thought, I heard the Everfree is lovely this time of yea-"

But before you can make a run for it though, you find yourself being dragged along by three surprisingly strong fillies.

"So... Clubhouse it is I guess." you mutter.

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Now we find you walking with Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as they lead you back to their clubhouse.

"So how are we supposed to reform a changeling anyway?" Sweetie asks.

"Well it can't be all that hard." Scootaloo says with a wave of her hoof "Rainbow Dash and her friends deal with friendship problems all the time, so we'll just treat this like one of those."

"I dunno, Scoots, most of the time stuff gets blown up before they solve anything." Applebloom reminds her "Remember that one time that traveling showmare showed up and started bragging about how great she was? It took an Ursa nearly flattening the town just for Twilight to get over being good at magic."

This town sounds like those cartoons where the characters get into misadventures that could have been avoided with the properly placed sentence or two. you mentally snark.

"Speaking of magic, why can't we just magic him nice?" Scootaloo suggests "It worked with Princess Luna when she was Nightmare Moon."

Your eyes widen as you think,

Wait a minute, are these fillies seriously suggestin-

"You mean like mind control?" Sweetie asks unsurely.

Cruel Chrysalis! These fillies ARE planning to mind rape me! RUN BITCH, RUUUUN! you mentally panic and are about to make a break for it when Apple Bloom says,

"That don't seem very ni-"

"Hay yeah! That would work for sure!" Scootaloo cuts her off, but then quickly deflates "Only... we don't have anything like that."

Thank Chrysalis. you think as you breath a sigh of relief and rejoin the fillies.

Sweetie takes the opportunity to speak up slowly. "We could just try being nice to him." she suggests. You like this idea way more than magic mind control and the others seem to be thinking it over.

"Hmm... nah. What are the chances that would work?" Scootaloo dismisses.

"Ain't there any other ideas?" Applebloom asks.

"Why don't you girls try asking the changeling who's right behind you." you snark in annoyance, having had enough of them talking behind your back (even though they're technically in front of you).

This causes the fillies to all look at you in shock that turns to guilt.

"Oh, sorry Mistah changeling- I mean Mistah..." she says trying to remember your new name.

"Ritz DeWitt, but you can just call me Ritz." you say before you give a sigh as you think,

Yeah... I don't have to be a psychic to tell there's gonna be ALOT of pain in my future...

Make sure not to overextend yourself until your wounds heal. Try to get more information about the other changelings first before making some convoluted plan regarding them. Oh, and get a disguise. One that actually works.

BrownDog77's comment

"I give you... the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse!" Apple Bloom proudly announces when it comes into view.

When you arrive at the clubhouse, you see that it's a treehouse in an apple tree with an extra outpost on the very top.

"Dibs on the outpost." (3) you comment as the four of you enter the clubhouse. As Applebloom lights a lantern, you say,

"Thanks for the hideout girls, but I'm pretty sure I'll have to go into town for some reason or another eventually and last I checked, my disguise spell is on the fritz and I'm not exactly Cosmare's Sexist Stallion Alive."

"Actually, my big sister makes clothes-" Sweetie Belle responds when Scootaloo interrupts.

"Yeah, there's bound to be clothes lying around you could use for a disguise." Scootaloo interrupts.

You ponder for a moment before replying,

"Hmmm... That could work, but I can't just slap on any t-shirt. At the very least, I need something to cover my holy limbs," you say as you hold up your changeling arms to emphasize your pun, "as well as my wings and the lower half of my face, but you don't have to do that as I'm NOT gonna get you girls in trouble stealing clothes for m-"

You swore you saw a lightbulb appear over Sweetie Belle's as she gasps,

"Mr. DeWitt, wait here! Girls, follow me!" before she, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo zip off.

You just shrug this off and say to yourself,

"Might as well get some reading done while waiting..."

And with that you take out "The Dao of the River" book from your saddlebags...

ONE FAILED READING ATTEMPT AND 7 APPLES LATER

You tried to read some more of the book (specifically a mind-influencing technique called "Inspire Hate"), but the fact that the only lighting was a lantern makes the book even more difficult to read so you gave up and decided to practice your "Force Pull" on the apples hanging from the branches of the treehouse. You just shoved another core into your mouth and are about to Force Pull another apple to you when,

"Here you go Mr. DeWitt!"

"Gah-ack!" you exclaim in surprise and choke on the apple core you were munching on. Fortunately, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom start pounding on your back and you cough it up.

"Are you okay Mistah?" Apple Bloom asks in concern.

"I'm fine... I'm fine..." you reassure them while breathing heavily, "You really shouldn't surprise a bug while he's eating."

You look up and your eyes widen when you see Sweetie Belle presenting you with a black suit with black pants, a white cuff shirt, and a red tie along with a red scarf, "This should go great with your hat."

"Thank you so much." you say gratefully as you put the clothes on.

It's a bit large on you, but it's very comfortable and if it's one thing that Pony of Interest, Burnt Notice, How I Met Your Father, Kingstallions, ZZ Top and every Tarantino and Bond film all agree on: It's that a nice suit goes a long way.

This suit is exactly like Agent 47's suit in the Hitmane franchise! Great games, terrible movies.

As you inspect the suit you ask, "This look great girls, but where did you find them?"

"Well, a mysterious bald stallion with a bandage where his Cutie Mark should be came into my sister's store two weeks ago and paid 2000 Bits in advance for-" Sweetie Belle answers.

"Woah, woah, woah!" you interrupt in shock, "Let me get this straight, you stole an expensive suit from your sister?!" you ask.

"Actually, the stallion sent another letter yesterday with 500 Bits in it telling Rarity to just burn the suit and forget that she ever made it or saw him.(4)"

"Asking Rarity to burn a suit? He might as well have asked Pinkie Pie to throw away a batch of freshly-baked cupcakes." Scootaloo comments.

"And the scarf?"

"Just a scarf we found in her 'Last Season' pile." Sweetie Belle answers.

Nodding at this explanation, you then put on the red scarf. Feeling like an old pulp hero, you then proceed to declare,

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of ponies? *evil laugh* The shadow knows!"

All 3 of the fillies give you concerned looks.

"Um... You might not want to do that." Apple Bloom comments.

"Yeah, you're kinda scary when you do that." Scootaloo adds.

"And you'll just draw more unnecessary attention." Sweetie Belle concludes.

"Anyway, Allow me to show you just some of the highlights of our clubhouse..." Apple Bloom offers.

ONE TOUR LATER

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Once they've finished giving you a humorous tour of the clubhouse, you decide to bring up a concern.

"Just to be clear, you fillies won't tell anyling about me, Ritz DeWitt, actually being a changeling, right?"

"Of course not."

"We Pinkie Promise"

"Even though we don't know what an 'anyling' is."

"Pinkie Promise?" you ask with a confused head tilt.

"It's how we make promises here." Apple Bloom says before all three of them proceed to perform a series of odd gestures while saying,

"Cross our hearts and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in our eyes."

After taking in this strange pony ritual (5), you look out the window and realize that it's still the middle of the night and these three fillies are definitely out past their bedtime so you ask,

"Excuse me, but aren't pony foals supposed to have bedtimes? It's the middle of the night so aren't your parents going to be worried about you three being out this late?"

...

Big mistake. After a tense pause, all the air in the room is sucked up by the fillies' collective gasp before it suddenly explodes into a hurricane of panic as the crusaders run around the room yelling,

"I'M IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!"

"I JUST GOT MY SCOOTER BACK FROM MY LAST GROUNDING!"

"APPLEJACK'S GONNA TAN MY TAIL FOR THIS!"

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!" they scream.

"Cruel Chrysalis, what have I done..." you whine while rubbing your ears.

What are you going to do?

Author's Note

(1) Your favorite first-pony shooter is Doom of course. Can't beat a classic.

(2) Little Sister Best Friend Forever

(3) It's high up allowing you more distance between you and invaders on the ground, the telescope and high ground will help you see anypony coming, and it would allow you to stay out of the Cutie Mark Crusader's way while they're using the clubhouse.

(4) Specifically, it's a bespoke black two button notch lapel two piece suit made with hoof-crafted Hoovestralian wool, reinforced seams, invisible stitching, and Neighponese silk linings, a white Prench cuff shirt made with Saddle Arabian cotton, gold cufflinks with a strange image engraved onto them, and a red tie made from Neighponese silk. No wonder Rarity was so torn over being paid to just burn it.

(5) Which seems like a ripoff of a similar way of making promises you've seen in animated Neighponese serials

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat with "Ace of Spades" card in hatband (reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-50 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

That's right Hive Mind. The results of the vote are in;

Ritz DeWitt: 7 Votes
Ash Bruegger: 4 Votes
Hei Fuddrucker: 0 Votes

Congratulations Erised the ink-moth on suggesting the winning name: Ritz DeWitt!
While I'm a big Bruce Campbell fan and Fuddruckers is my 6th favorite burger, Bioshock Infinite is one of my favorite video games of all time and the name "Ritz" sounds like it definitely fits ~~815~~DeWitt's new suit.

Speaking of that; New question for all of you:

What is your favorite burger?

As an amateur burger connoisseur myself, I'm curious to know what your favorite burger place and favorite method of preparation (chain/restaurant, wellness, vegetables, types of cheese, etc.) are. Have fun! :pinkiehappy:

Chapter 6: Home, Home on the Range

The Rutherford's comment

3 Fillies running around screaming like it's the end of the world? There's only one rational thing to do.
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! We're all going to get grounded!" you yell running around and joining the madness, causing them to shout more.
At some point, you realize that you are the adult and you should take responsibility, the buck is wrong with you?
You whistle real loud and get their attention to get them to stop.

As the fillies are all running around in little circles in a panic, you just stare at them with an expression on your face that is a cross of bemused and worried as you think

So... if those fillies were supposed to be in bed now, does that mean that their parents are out looking for them? Oh buck! What if they come by this clubhouse of theirs and they find them with a changeling? I'll be executed by live burial!

Normally you'd be able to be more cool-headed about the situation, but since changelings feed on love you can (usually) sense emotions and the Cutie Mark Crusader's worry and fear get to you as well so-

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! We're all going to get grounded!" you scream as you join in on this panic party.

Kichi's comment

you read that wrong's comment

"Oh no! I'm gonna be in soooo much trouble! When mah sister finds out, she's gonna to ground me til I'm as old as Granny Smith" Apple Bloom panics.

"I'm not allowed out this late without a responsa... Responsi... Whatever-that-word-is adult" Scootaloo panics.

"Responsable" Sweetie Belle corrects.

"*cough*Dictionary*cough*" coughs Scootaloo.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-ah."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-Ah!"

"Nuh-Uh... And at least I'm not a chicken!" Sweetie Belle snaps.

"What?" Scootaloo asks in indignation when Sweetie Belle cuts her off when she gets another thought by exclaiming,

"Sweet Celestia, Rarity's going to kill me!"

"You? Sweetie, have you even been grounded before?" Scootaloo replied, "I mean what, she makes you sew dresses? Yeah its boring, but not hard."

"Have you ever sown a dress with Rarity standing over your shoulder?!" Sweetie Belle harshly replies "She complains about the slightest mistake! 'Oh sweetie you're a millimeter to high! Oh no! You got the shiny glitter, not the 'shiny' shiny glitter!' The buck does that even mean?! I AM NOT DOING ANOTHER NIGHT OF THAT BULL-"

"OK, OK! I get it! Calm down! Yeesh, sorry I asked!" Scootaloo replied.

"Sakes, least tha worst that can happen ta me is a few extra chores..." Apple Bloom comments after a moment of stunned silence.

"GAH! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FILLIES AND THE EARS?!" you shout in annoyance as Sweetie Belle's volume snaps you out of your panic, but are ignored as Apple Bloom exclaims,

"Wait, girls I got an idea!"

"What?" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both ask.

"Well kids are only allowed outside after dark with a trusted and responsible adult right..."

"Ohhhhh..." Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both say in realization as all three of them turn their heads towards you.

"Uuuhh.... No." you reply bluntly.

"Pleeeaaaaseeee?" Say the fillies as they open their eyes wide and pout with trembling lips.

"Yeah, 'Puppy Dog Eyes' is one of the first things we're taught as hatchlings. Let a veteran show you how it's done."

With that you crouch low to the ground before you transform yourself into an even shorter toddler filly and look up at them with even cuter puppy dog eyes. As your transformation wears off with a tang of pain through your horn, the fillies stop their act and look each other in shock and confusion.

"Shoot... It didn't work!" Apple Bloom exclaims in disappointment.

"Yeah, he's good." Scootaloo comments.

"But it always works!" Sweetie Belle insists.

"Look... You get better thanks to our love so..." Scootaloo says, grasping at an idea, "You owe us!"

"You do remember that I saved YOUR lives, right?" you counter, "I mean I still got the broken ribs to prov- Wait, I already healed those..."

"But we gave you a fancy suit." Sweetie Belle adds.

"I could just leave, you know." you respond as you're starting to get slightly annoyed at these fillies, "You're not giving me that many reasons to stay."

"Because..." Begin to think Scootaloo.

"Because you're a changeling in a pony town where the Elements live, your disguise doesn't work, the Everfree is dangerous even in the day, we can give you love, and if we get grounded you lose your only confidants in this town." Sweetie Belle lists.

You stare at Sweetie Belle in surprise at her negotiation skills before you nod,

"Good point, I'll stay."

"No... We want a Pinkie Promise that you are not going to leave tomorrow or leave us behind." Say Scootaloo

"Uuuhhh... Okay." you say uncertainly as you still don't exactly understand why those promises are that important but you perform the ritual.

"I Pinkie Promise not to leave tomorrow or leave you three behind in exchange for your help... Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

"Great!" Scootaloo says "And remember! Breaking a Pinkie Promise is the best way to lose a frien-"

"FOREVER!"

"GAH!" you scream in fear as you whirl around in combat stance and desperately try to grab something to use as a weapon from your Saddlebag.

"Wait Mr. DeWitt, that's just Pinkie Pie!" Apple Bloom explains.

"Where the buck did she come from?!" you demand.

"Duh! When a mare and a stallion have alot to drink..." The familiar-looking Pink Earth Pony begins before she starts rambling.

"Is she like that everytime?" you nonchalantly ask.

"Yup." Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo bluntly respond.

"And then I say, Oatmeal! Are you crazy? But then..." Continued the pink pony

"Gah! Make her stop before I end up smashing her in the face with something!" you exclaim in annoyance.

"Hey Pinkie, ain't you supposed to be hosting a party next week?" Apple Bloom asks Pinkie,

Pinkie lets out a long gasp before she mysteriously disappears.

"Thank Chrysalis that's over." you sigh in relief.

"Uh, Mr. DeWitt, next time you might not want to say that you want to smash ponies in the face." Apple Bloom comments.

"Yeah, it sounds fun but will definitely blow your cover" Scootaloo adds.

After that annoyance, you decide that now's a good time to come up with a plan to avoid... ahem, that....

Immediately make up a long, convoluted plan that requires a ridiculous amount of work and time, only for something much more practical and close by to come along.

You and Applebloom argue about the practicality of building machines that can fly.
Ritz; "It's like my granny always used to say..."
You think of Granny Smith in a thought bubble, who says, "If we were meant to fly, we'd- wait, I'm not your grandma," poking you in the eye with a cane as she does so.

"OK so I got it! " you exclaim, gaining the attention of present company, "Alright so what we'll do is hide Apple Bloom in an apple cart to get close while Sweetie Belle uses a candle to burn a rope connected to the house which Scootaloo will then uses to swing onto the Roof with Apple Bloom grabbing her hoof along the way where they will meet up with me and I can drill a hole in the Roof directly above Applebloom's bedroom using the flying machine we'll build out of ballpoint pens, chewing gum, paper clips, and duct tape!" you say as you pant for breath because the author was too lazy to add any commas to that excessively long sentence.

"OK..." Apple Bloom started. "I've heard some bad plans before but... That.... Were ya even trying there?"

"Yeah.... " Sweetie Belle joined in, "I'm surprised you came up with something worse than Scootaloo."

"Hey!" Scootaloo exclaims.

"Hey, it's like my granny always used to say..." you begin as you think of Granny Smith in a thought bubble who says,

"If we were meant to fly, we'd- Wait, I ain't yer Granny!" She then proceeds to jab you in the eye with her cane popping the thought bubble.

"Ow! Fine!" you grumble as you rub your eye in pain, "We won't do things the MacGyver way, but I do have another idea that may keep you girls out of trouble.." you say as you begin to explain a more realistic plan...

ONE EXPLANATION LATER

BrownDog77 comment

Out of boredom, you check the pockets of your suit, Surprisingly you find a Golden Fountain Pen in your suit breast pocket, a Golden Lighter in your pants pocket, and a Golden Cigarette Case in your cuff shirt breast pocket.
You don't know why, but you feel that these items are somehow connected to your cufflinks...

We now find the four of you heading towards Apple Bloom's house as it's the closest seeing how the Clubhouse is on her farm/home; Sweet Apple Acres. As you follow the Cutie Mark Crusaders with Apple Bloom in the lead, you get the feeling this information should be familiar to you, but when you try to remember anything about Applejack, you just see a message in your head reading,

Error: Memory File Not Found Due to Dual Lower Limb-Related Percussive Damage (1)

Eventually you decide to look through the pockets of your suit out of boredom and to your surprise you find a Golden Fountain Pen in your suit breast pocket, a Golden Lighter in your pants pocket, and a Golden Cigarette Case in your cuff shirt breast pocket.

Huh, the guy this suit was made for must be either very rich or very clueless. And why do I get the feeling these items are connected to my cufflin-

"There's mah home." Apple Bloom points out when the farmhouse comes into view, interrupting your thoughts. With that you put the items away and think,

Here's hoping I won't come to regret this kind decision. It could be my last if I'm not careful...

"Gold Fountain Pen"
"Gold Lighter"
"Gold Cigarette Case"
Added to Suit Pockets

When you get to the farmhouse, you see a Big Red Earth Pony Stallion and an Orange Earth Pony Mare in the barn fussing about something. You quickly run in front of the fillies, look down at Applebloom, and say.

"Follow my lead, I have to make a good first impression."

"OK."

"Hello there sir and madam!" you call out and they look up at you in surprise

"Who are you and what are ya doing out here late at night?" the mare demands.

"I'm Mr. Ritz Dewitt, and I believe I found your daughter."

All three of the Apples choke at that.

"Beg pardon?" Applejack asks with a bemused look.

"Your daughter, Applebloom here, and might I say you have a lovely family." you say, not noticing the panicked "No" gestures from her and the other Crusaders.

"That's my Sister!" Applejack exclaims.

"Oh... So the Big guy isn't your hus..."

"HE'S MY BROTHER!" exclaims Applebloom.

You look back down at her, knowing your good first impression is right out the window.

"Well how was I supposed to know?" you whisper, "All you said was your family was here!" you then look back up, "Sorry about that, I just assumed..."

"Well ya'll know what they say about assuming. Land sakes, Applebloom is 8 years old! How old do you think I am?" Applejack asks with a snarl.

"IIIIIII..." you're about to answer when suddenly you get a very brief memory fragment telling you that's a loaded question that mare's do NOT really want answered, so as your mind screams Abort Abort, your mouth freezes and you just keep saying, "IIIIIIII..."

Luckily, the Big Red Stallion sees the situation as a funny accident and comes to your aid to dissolve the situation,

"I'll go tell the others the girls are safe." he says as he leaves,

"Anyway, what are ya'll doing out here so late?" Applejack asks.

You then proceed to tell your foolproof story you and the girls rehearsed...

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Applejack stands in the doorway, staring you down with an expression that flickers back and forth between shock, disbelief, and pure irritation towards her little sister and her friends.

The farmpony shakes her head and rubs an ear with her hoof, "Now... ah'm sorry. Would y'all mind runnin' all that by me again?"

You breathe a sigh of annoyance and being from the top,

"Okay, so... Around noon, all four of us were at the bowling alley, and we stayed there until about 7:30. At which time we noticed that Goth chick from the Breakfast Club was bowling in the lane next to us, so we asked her for her autograph. But she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car. Then on the way we were accosted by five cultists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the temple in Hollow Shades until 10:45 at night-"

You pause to take a deep breath.

"...afterwards we accidentally boarded the wrong carrige home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock. But after hours of waiting, we finally lucked out and got a ride home with a griffin who was missing his left index feather, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46." You finish your long-winded explanation. "And since I'd already come that far, I figured I'd walk them home too."

After your recapping, Applejack looks even more shocked and confused than before. "Right then..." she mouths slowly "But who are you? I don't recall us bein' properly introduced."

"Oh, of course. Where are my manners? My name is Ritz DeWitt, I came here from Canterlot hoping to find someplace quiet to hang out for a while. Things have been a bit rough for me, you see." You tell her, weaving in technical half-truths where you can. (2)

"Well thank you kindly for lookin' out fer Applebloom and her friends." Applejack says with a tip of her hat, before turning her attention to the Crusaders standing next to you. "Y'all come on inside. I don't think I should trouble anypony else this late, so y'all can sleep here 'till morning, and we'll get you home tomorro-"

"YAY! SLEEPOVER!" the fillies cheer as you cover your ears.

"With a very sincere apology for makin' yer folks worry about you." Applejack finishes with emphasis, to which they all visibly deflate.

"Well, if that'll be all, I'll just be going now." you say and give a nod, "Have a nice night."

But as you turn to leave, you hear Applejack call, "Hold up there Mister DeWitt. Now it ain't none of mah business, but where are ya stayin'? I'd hate to think of a fine gentlestallion such as yerself wandering the streets alone at this hour."

You're about to simply tell her not to worry, but Applelboom is too quick and tells her, "It's okay, we're letting him stay in out clubhouse since he's got nowhere else to stay."

You groan in annoyance at her outburst.

"Not to mention no job." Scootaloo adds while you facehoof.

"And he's secretly a cha-" Sweetie is about to obliviously blurt out your secret but the other two shove their hooves in her mouth.

"What was that last one?" Applejack says while raising a quizzical brow.

Thinking quickly, you put on the "poor pathetic wounded stallion" act in hopes of drawing her attention away.

"Okay yes, it's true! It's all true. I'm just a poor jobless dropout without a home or a friend in the world! WOE IS ME!" you say, falling to your knees and hamming it up as much as you can. Thankfully it worked as you see she isn't paying attention to the Cuitiemark loudmouths anymore. Now you just have to wrap this up and retreat to the clubhouse of solitude-

"But do not worry about me, dear lady." you say as you suddenly get back up with a more casual tone, "For I am of a hardy sort and shall find my way just fine. Thus I bid you all a good night."

And with that you turn around and begin to leave-

"Now hold on there pardner. It just wouldn't be right of me to turn down a pony in need, especially one who helped mah little sister and her friends. I insist ya stay here for the night." Applejack says as she drags you back inside with an iron grip of kindness. "We've got a spare guest room of two or three fer when the family comes over. And besides, I bet Granny and Big Macintosh would be glad to meet you over breakfast."

As Applejack drags you to the guest room, you think,

In retrospect, I think I overdid it...

THE NEXT MORNING

Cock-a-Doodle-Dooooo!

You're abruptly awoken from your slumber by the rooster's crowing causing you to groggily groan,

"Grha... Shad up before I stuff you into a fried duc-THUD!"

Before you accidentally roll out of the bed and slam face-first onto the floor.

"Well, this day's off to a great start." you mutter as you get off the floor.

With the jolt from the impact thoroughly waking you, you proceed to unwrap your scarf from your head and wrap it around the lower half of your face, put on your suit, tie, hat, and saddlebags, and leave the room. (3)

As you come downstairs, you see the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the living room along with Applejack and... Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, and some white unicorn with a purple mane?

"Alright, Mr. DeWitt." Applejack says, "I thinks it time y'all came clean, partner."

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Translation: Getting a double-hooved buck to the face from Applejack that smashed your head through a wall during the Royal Wedding assault messed up your memories of her.

(2) Technically, it's true as you were launched out of Canterlot and are now finding a place to lay low.

(3) While you hung your suit, tie, and hat and kept your Saddlebag under your bed, you kept your pants, cuff shirt, and scarf on. The latter wrapped around your face and head like a headscarf. One skill that was vital for changelings is being able to sleep disguised, whether through changeling magic or clothes. Asleep is when any creature is most vulnerable.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-50 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Come on, did you think that obvious lie would've fooled the Element of Honesty? Looks like you got some splainin to do...

As for the winning answer to last chapter's question;

My Favorite Hamburger comes from What-A-Burger. It's a Southwest burger chain, and one of the last places I know that have a Triple Burger available for fast food.
It's good, delicious food, and the best part is, they are open 24 hours, both drive thru and walk in.

Congratulations to BrownDog77 for the best answer. It's been a long time since I had What-A-Burger (South Florida...), but from what I can remember, they were really good. My current top 5 Burgers;

Five Guys' Cheeseburger

Shake Shack's Shack Stack (Burger with normal patty and a 'Shroom patty (fried & breaded portabello mushroom filled with cheese))

Smashburger's Classic Smash

BurgerFi's Conflicted/1/2 + 1/2 Burger (Burger with normal patty and a quinoa patty)

Zinburger's Plain & Simple Kobe Burger

All made medium-well (if possible), default cheese, default sauce, lettuce, tomato, pickles, grilled onions, and grilled mushrooms.

Some advice for next chapter; How about we NOT expose "Ritz DeWitt" as a changeling. It's FAR too early for that. Besides, I'm pretty sure those mares are more concerned with a stranger suddenly showing up with 3 fillies in the middle of the night (and a certain fashionista recognizing a suit)...

Other than that, have fun!

Chapter 7: Bed, Breakfast, and Barns.

Erised's comment.

As you stand at the base of the stairs with most of these mares glaring you down, you can't help but feel a little helpless and more than a little put off by it all.

Ponies... you mentally grumble, I should have stayed in bed. Or at least have snuck out the window. Okay, delicate situation. For all I know they could be here for other reasons, but worst case scenario is that they've gathered here in hopes of trapping me! Regardless, you must force yourself to be calm! Blind panic never helped anyling out of a jam! (1)

Kichi's comment

Erised's comment

"Came clean? But I already showered last week", you snark.

"That ain't what we're talkin about..." Applejack responds in bemusement.

"Oh, where are my manners. I didn't expect to meet you all here on this lovely morning. I don't think we've been introduced yet." you say with a bit of forced cheerfulness as you prepare to quickly dart a hoof into your Saddlebags. You reason that if you just play along, this might turn out to be nothing, but if they really are here for your head, you can be ready to throw a Thundercloud Orb and make a run for it. Play it smooth Ritz... play it smooth.

"You see!?" Rainbow shouts "I knew there was something wrong with this guy! Who just acts all calm and snarky like that? He should be totally freaking out right now!" she growls and jabs an accusing hoof at you, "Plus his eyes are pure blue!"

"I-" you try to defend before your vision is suddenly filled with a pair of magenta eyes demanding, "Are you a spy?!"

"Woah!" you exclaim as you jump back in surprise.

"Rainbow please." Twilight reigns her friend in but keeps her attention on you.

"But something does stink bout ya." Applejack qualifies.

"Really? Maybe I need to take a shower. Could you give me directions to the nearest lake?" you snark again.

"A lake? For what?" Ask Applejack

"Uhh, for taking a bath and cleaning myself of course." you say as if someling asked you what 2 + 2 is.

"We have bathtubs here." Applejack says bemused.

you read that wrong's comment

Love the Changeling's comment

"Alright... what are you REALLY doing buster!?" The pink pony known as Pinkie Pie exclaimed, getting up in your face.

"Your mother." you mutter on reflex as you try to keep from giggling at your hatchling-level insult.

"I bucking heard that!" she replies indignantly.

Everypony (2) else just looks at Pinkie in confusion.

"Heard... what?" you ask cautiously

"What you said about my mom!" she practically screamed at you.

You would have simply muttered 'wut?' repeatedly for half an hour at Pinkie's future questions if it wasn't for twilight joining in on your one-sided conversation.

"Pinkie... What are you talking about?"

"Twilight, did you not just hear him rudely insult my mom like that?!"

"Uh... no? Care to explain?" Twilight answers.

"Well it all started when I got up this morning an-"

At this point Pinkie starts rambling again and you consider using this distraction to bail, but a drawn out sigh interrupts this consideration.

"Never mind Pinkie, forget it." Twilight says with a roll of her eyes before turning back to you,

"Now who are-"

"CONFESS! WHAT WERE YOU REALLY DOING THE THIRD NIGHT OF THE MONTH SIX MONTHS AGO?!!" Pinkie screams as she suddenly whips out a big cannon and shoves it in your face.

"PINKIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Twilight yells as she uses her magic to pull the earth pony and cannon away, but unfortunately, staring down a cannon triggered some flashbacks causing you to say,

"GAH, I CONFESS, I WAS SLEEPING! I ADMIT IT, I'M WHY OPERATION: CLOUDFALL (3) FAILED CAUSE I FELL ASLEEP AT MY POST! I COULDN'T HELP IT, I WAS UP THE PREVIOUS NIGHT AT "VENGEANCE IS A SWEET DISH BEST SERVED COLD"! I HAD TO GO, IT WAS ONE NIGHT ONLY AND 9001 HAD A COUPON FOR TWO-THIRDS OFF EVERYTHING THAT WAS ONLY VALID FOR TWO PONIES MINIMUM! PLEASE DON'T IMPALE MY TESTICLES ON SALTED TOOTHPICKS WHILE HANGING ME WITH RUSTED BARBED WIRE AND SHOOTING JAGGED DYNAMITE ARROWS INTO MY EYYYYYYYYES!!!"

During your little hysteria-confession, the rest of the Element Bearers and Cutie Mark Crusaders just look at one another, partly confused and mostly worried until Rainbow Dash voices what the whole group is thinking,

"What. The. Buck."

The yellow pegasus with the pink mane tentatively approaches, "Um, there there, we weren't accusing you of anything."

"Y-you we-weren't?" you sniffle.

She moves forward and places a hoof on your shoulder, "Deep breathes, just calm down and relax, if that's okay with you."

After a few deep breathes you clear your throat and say,

"Sorry. Panic attack caused me tooo... confuse movie scenes with actual memories. Yeah." you half-truth so they won't ask any more questions pertaining to the whole "impaled nards" thing.

"Actually, Pinkie should be apol-" Twilight adds before Pinkie interrupts,

"I am SO super-duper sorry! I mean you insulted my mommy and-"

*zap*

Erised's comment

Twilight suddenly zaps you with a spell. You get annoyed, but she explains it was merely a spell designed to deactivate and remove disguise spells (since your disguise spell doesn't work and you're wearing clothes, the spell doesn't expose you)

Suddenly you noticed that Twilight has zapped you with a spell,

"Hey! What was that for?" you say in indignation.

"Sorry, but that was just an anti-disguise spell." Twilight responds.

Good thing I'm wearing clothes instead of my disguise spell, but still...

"But why'd you zap me?" you demand.

"Just a precaution due to a changeling invasion a few weeks ago. But let's skip the pleasantries Mr. DeWitt, if that even is your real name." Twilight interrupts in turn, "I want you tell tell us everything."

You have to stop yourself from groaning, this is not going as well as you'd hoped. These ponies clearly don't appreciate the sophistication and patience you've just exhibited (before throwing it all out the window with that panic attack at the end). Must tread lightly.

"Hey, you know what I like? Context. Isn't context a nice thing to have?" you snark.

This only makes Twilight grin though and she begins,

"Your story is full of holes!" she says and begins a slow methodical pacing "Not only would it take far longer to reach Hollow Shades and each of you take a personality test than the three hours and fifteen minutes you said it did, but the only temple in Hollow Shades was closed for reconstruction due to a recent shoggoth invasion, so you couldn't have been there. Secondly there are no carriage services that would take you directly to Rancho de Burritos Rojos; you'd have to had made a transfer not once... but twice between carriages to have made that mistake! Finally, I've looked up the consensus information for all current Canterlot residents, and there is no one, pony or otherwise by the name of Ritz DeWitt!" finishing, she rounds on you with a determined look in her eyes "So I want the truth. Who are you, why are you here, and how did you really meet Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and Scootaloo?"

"Ah know you were lying about how you met mah sister and her friends. Ah don't like being lied to so tell us the truth now, or you will land in an even bigger heap of trouble." Applejack adds.

You just stare at the ponies for a second before raising your hooves, and then bringing them together in a slow clap,

"Well done Twilight. I have to say, I don't know what's more impressive, the fact that you pulled apart my story, the fact that you put so much effort into checking the random places in that story..." this causes a small blush to form on Twilight's face before you conclude, "Or the fact you didn't realize I was quoting an episode of North Park word-for-word."

"You still haven't answered her question." the white unicorn says.

BrownDog77's comment

"Well madame, I assure you that your daughter and her friends were in no danger thanks to me."

"Daughter?!" she yells shock as the Apple sisters facehoof.

"That's my Sister!" Sweetie Belle squeaks.

"D'oh!"

"Do I really look that old? Wait, he called me a mother, does that mean my hips are too fat?! I knew I shouldn't have had that muffin yesterday!" Sweetie Belle's sister whines before she falls onto a couch she pulled out of somewhere.

"Well give me some warning next time! Where the heck are your parents anyway?" you ask.

"Mine are probably at home, but I was supposed to stay with Rarity last night," says Sweetie.

"Mine are at home, but I spend the night at Applebloom's sometimes, so they shouldn't be too worried."

"And mine are..." starts Applebloom before she stops and looks down in sadness.

"Oh great going YOU, you've got her all worked up about our folks!" Applejack scolds as she hugs Apple Bloom.

"I swear I'm not doing this on purpose!" you cry aloud in indignation.

Erised's comment

"But yeah it's true, I did just make up a lot of that, but it was for a... pretty good reason I guess."

You look at the Crusaders and ask, "Can I just tell them?"

Their eyes immediately become fearful and they motion "no" with the pleading eyes that you're thankfully immune to.

"Well that Pinkie Promise only means I can't abandon you so I'm still gonna."

And you're about to start your explanation when,

"HOLD IT!"

Rarity takes a moment from feeling pitiful and old and looks at your garb more closely.
"I thought I recognized the decor upon you. I made that! SWEETIE BELLE!!!"
"What? The other stallion cancelled the order and Mr. Dewitt needed it to hide his ugly chang..." she starts before Scootaloo starts her from saying more.
"Sweetie Belle, while I'm upset for you taking my work without permission, that doesn't give you the right to insult this stallion's looks," she says before turning to you, "Even if he must be blind to TRUE age and BEAUTY!" she says harshly.
You know she's still upset, but you still don't want them checking to see if you're actually ugly or not, so you tell them.
"No NO, it's true. I am hideous, my own mother didn't like my face. So please let me just keep wearing this get up, it makes me feel like a real pony..."

Suddenly you noticed that Rarity is taking a moment from feeling insecure and old and starts looking at your garb more closely.

"Hmmm, hoof-crafted Hoovestralian wool, reinforced seams, invisible stitching, Neighponese silk linings, Saddle Arabian cotton. I thought I recognized the decor upon you, I made that! THIEF!"

"Actually, we gave that to him." Sweetie Belle pipes up.

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Rarity yells as she takes her attention off you.

"What? The other stallion cancelled the order and paid you to destroy it and Mr. Dewitt needed it to hide his ugly chang-" she starts before Scootaloo jams her hoof into her mouth to keep her from saying more.

"Sweetie Belle, while I'm upset for you taking my work without permission, that doesn't give you the right to insult this stallion's looks," she says before turning to you, "Even if he must be blind to TRUE grace and beauty!" she says harshly.

You know she's still upset, but you still don't want them checking to see if you're actually ugly or not, so you tell them.

"No NO, it's true. I am hideous, my own mother didn't like my face. So please let me just keep wearing this get up, it makes me feel like a real pony-"

Suddenly you get a memory fragment from Disguise Training back at the Hive that gives you an idea,

When the ponies question why you're wearing so many clothes, you remember what the changeling hive taught you to do in situations where you're disguise spells don't work; Claim you have Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy or "Discolored-eyed Skin Weakness Disorder"
It's a made up disease made up and planted in Equestrian medical books by changeling operatives long ago to help aid changelings who have to use alot of clothes when their disguises aren't working.
(NOTE: Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy is not a real condition.)

"Especially since I have Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy!"

"Oh no, not that! Anything but that!... What is that?" Pinkie Pie says as the other ponies also gasp before also falling into murmurs of confusion.

"I think I've read about it... Wait here."

With that she suddenly disappears in a flash of light and then reappears a few moments later levitating a copy of Stabler's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary, 22nd Edition and begins searching through the pages,

"Let's see... Blue Flu... Clydesdale fur blight... Aha! Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy, also known as 'Discolored-eyed Skin Weakness Disorder' or D.E.S.W.D.!" she declares.

"What does it do?" Fluttershy asks in worry.

"According to Stabler's, it's a hereditary abnormality that causes an malformation in ocular development affecting the vitreous humor which in turn discolors the eyes. It also weakens the skin tissues on the limbs, back, and most of the face so they're especially sensitive to the environment. Exposure for an extended period of time will cause the before-mentioned areas to develop painful necrotic lesi-"

"Equestrian please." Rainbow Dash rudely asks.

"It means that his eyes are blue and that being bare for too long will cause his skin to rot off!" Twilight answers.

"Oh my goodness! Is there a cure?" Fluttershy asks in worried concern.

"No." you answer causing the others gasp at this and suddenly huddle into a corner far away from you. Twilight facehooves and says,

"Girls, it's NOT contagious! It's a hereditary disease so it can only be passed down from parent to foal. Stabler's explicitly states that other than those abnormalities, ponies with Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy are no different physically or mentally to other ponies and should be treated as such." (5)

"Yeah, I just need to keep clothes on." you add.

As the ponies sheepishly apologize before moving back to their seats/places in the room, Rarity says,

"I suppose since it's for medical reasons, you can keep the suit."

"Thank yo-*growl*"

Suddenly your stomach growls causing you to sheepishly say,

"Oh yeah, I didn't eat breakfast yet-"

Your stomach's growling is then accompanied by more stomach growling around the room.

"And I'm guessing you ladies haven't eith-"

"Breakfast is ready!" an elderly female voice (who you assume belong to Apple Bloom's grandmother) calls from the kitchen.

"Mind if we continue this conversation over breakfast?"

OUTSIDE THE APPLE RESIDENCE

you find yourselves all sitting around the table eating pancakes. I mean, come on... there were pancakes, and Granny Smith was telling you all to sit down and eat. It's not like any of you could say no.

Due to the large amount of ponies, we now find you all eating outside on picnic tables. Fortunately, since Applejack was having so many ponies over, the Apples made a feast of a breakfast with pancakes, maple syrup, biscuits, grits, country gravy, toast, butter, jam, fresh fruit, sunny-side up eggs, scrambled eggs, and pitchers of milk and apple juice.

You carefully ate your food by holding your scarf out enough to put a utensil underneath it and into your mouth while drinking by doing the same (but pouring the glass from above), but even then you were still quickly putting away large amounts of food much to the shock of the others. Apple Bloom's grandmother (now named Granny Smith) and massive brother (Big McIntosh) finished eating first and left to start on chores around the farm. Applejack takes this time to ask,

"So Mistah DeWitt."

"Mmph?" you say with your mouth full with your 14th and 15th gravy-soaked biscuits.

"What really happened between my sister, her friends, and you?"

The Rutherford comment

Washing down your food with the last of your 7th glass of milk you say,

"OK. I'll tell you the truth, but please understand that I lied because the girls were freaking out about getting in trouble and I couldn't stop myself after they used the Puppy Dog Eyes on me. From all of your faces, I can guess I'm not the only one they've used it on."

The six mares nod their head to that.

"Ok, so the truth is I found them in the Everfree Forest-"

This causes the mares to gasp and Twilight to ask in worry,

"What were they doing there?"

"They said something about nocturnal archaeology or something, I wasn't really listening at the ti- And please hold all questions until the end of the truthful story." you say as Pinkie was about to ask something, "Anyway so I was wandering through the Everfree Forest because I felt the need to (as if something was controlling my thoughts) and as I wandered I heard the sound of young screams. So naturally I went to investigate. After getting lost again I heard the screams again and they sounded closer. I followed the sound until I found them being backed into a corner by a chimera."

The mares gasp again.

"When I saw that I decided to help and I distracted the chimera. After giving and receiving a few hits, I managed to finally get the fillies and myself away from the chimera and they helped to lead me back to the town. We stopped at their clubhouse for a breather when I noticed that it was late and asked them about curfews. They then panicked and asked me to help them explain the situation in a way that would not get them in trouble. What I said last night was the best story we could come up with on short noticed. So I apologize for blatantly lying to your face Miss Applejack. I just did not want to see these girls get into trouble. So that is the truth. Any questions?"

Pinkie starts hopping about with her hoof in the air.

"Oooh I have a question. Pick me!"

"Um OK. What is your question?"

"Yay! I'm Pinkie Pie. What's your name?"

"My name is Ritz DeWitt. Next question?" you ask as Pinkie Pie dives into another plate of pancakes.

"So you said you distracted and traded blows with a chimera. How did you do that? You don't look very beaten up. Unless you were facing a baby chimera in which case should we be worried about an angry chimera mother coming after you?" Twilight asks.

"As far as I know it was an adult, but I can't say for sure. I'm pretty sure it wasn't exactly a good time to ask for her age. On a side note, I don't think it's ever a good thing to ask for a mare's age unless you're a bartender."

"That is true Darling. One should never ask for a lady's age." Rarity says over a plate of toast and jam. (6)

"Anyway, next question?"

Erised's comment

Twilight nods her head and uses a pancake like a napkin to wipe the syrup off her cheeks (Who knew she was such a messy eater?).

"Is all of that true girls?" she asks the Crusaders, who merely hang their heads in shame.

"Yeah." Scootaloo finally answers, prodding idly at her half-finished plate of eggs, "We'd probably be chimera chow if Mister DeWitt hadn't found us when he did."

"You aren't mad at us, are you?" Applebloom asks worriedly.

Applejack is about to angrily respond when she notices the look you're giving her. Instead she gives a hard sigh and says, "No, I guess we ain't mad at you, but dag-nabbit girl, if y'all friends don't just make us worry to pieces sometimes and rightly so."

"Indubitably," Rarity chimes in, "Sometimes I think you three have no idea how much it would devastate us all if any of you were to come to any harm."

"Yeah. Who am I going to pass my super awesome skills to if I lose my honorary little sister." Rainbow Dash adds.

"We're sorry." Sweetie Belle tells them and the others nod in agreement, "We promise we'll be more careful from now on."

"Thanks for saving mah little sister and her friends." Applejack says to you as Rarity and Rainbow Dash nod in grateful agreement.

"But that still leaves one thing unexplained." Twilight reminds everypony, "Who are you anyway, Mr. DeWitt? What were you doing in those woods yourself that night?"

Thankfully, a good amount of time between when they'd first cornered you, and some delicious breakfast has given you time to come up with an answer that you hope they'll be able to buy,

"I'm sorry about lying to you all, especially you Applejack, but believe me, the less you know about me the better." you say cryptically "Ritz isn't even my real name, but I've had to leave it behind as well as my home and my friends. You see, I'm in a bit of trouble right now due to an... organization I'm with coming under some fire. Needless to say, I'm laying low and there are a lot of ponies out there who would gladly have my head."

As in everypony, including the royal guard... ESPECIALLY the royal guard. you mentally add.

"You're in trouble; what kind? What organization, and what did they do?" Twilight begins rapid-firing questions at you, but you hold up a hoof to silence her.

"I think that the less anypony knows, the better. I'd hate to put any of you in danger." you tell her and look to her friends and the fillies.

"But there must be something we can do to help you, I'm Princess Celestia's student after al-" Twilight tries to reason.

"That just means you're in even more danger if you help me." you cut her off, a bit surprised at how easy it is to tell the (half-)truth if you just leave out the word 'Changeling', "Look, this group I'm with we... we did some bad things okay. Especially something really really bad. But they're also the only family I have. All I need to do is find some of my former associates and hopefully get out of Equestria without raising too many alarms."

"Ooooo-ooorrrrr..." you suddenly find yourself wrapped in a mess of pink limbs as Pinkie Pie appears out of nowhere behind you. "You could stay here in Ponyville with us! I'll even throw you a welcome party, just like you were anypony else!"

"That's a terrible idea." you deadpan. Seriously, tons of ponies + crowded space = lots of stuff that can go wrong.

This only makes Pinkie giggle,

"You're silly Mr. DeWitt, or whatever you're real name is. How could a party be terrible? Of course if there was no cake and punch... then I guess it would be pretty terrible. But none of my parties are that bad. Ooh, I'm going to start giving out invitations right now!" she says before zipping away in a cloud of smoke, zipping back a moment later to eat the rest of her pancakes in one bite, and zipping off again.

You stare at the slowly dissipating plumes of dust and turn to her friends with a touch of concern. "I'm not going to be able to tell her no, am I?"

They all shake their heads.

"And if you try to not show up, she'll just find you no matter where you are and drag you there." Rainbow smirks as she nudges you with her elbow, "Trust me, there's nowhere in Equestria Pinkie can't go."

You just groan and faceplant into your 8th plate of eggs.

Let's see... you're homeless, jobless, have a nice hat and suit, some Bits, gold items, a deck of cards, and a playing card on your hat.
Quick! Claim you're a down-on-his-luck gambler!

"Anyway, Thanks for the bed and breakfast, but I gotta get going." you say as you get up from your seat.

"You're leaving town already?" Fluttershy asks with concern.

"Would if I could, but I promised those girls I wouldn't leave today. Plus I get the feeling the pink one is going to drag me back for her party whether I want it or not." you add as you levitate an apple for the road.

"She will." Rainbow Dash agrees.

"But didn't yah say yah don't have a job or place to stay?" Applejack asks.

"I have enough Bits to get by." you dismiss, "Besides, if worse comes to worse."

You tilt your hat at an angle to better show the Ace of Spades card on your hatband before continuing,

"I got some gambling experience. See ya."

"Goodbye Mr. DeWitt." the mares and fillies all wave as you leave Sweet Apple Acres.

As you walk down the road towards Ponyville munching on your apple you think,

I can NOT believe my luck! I was face-to-faces with the Bearers of the Element of Harmony and I came out without a scratch! Still... I wonder what I'm going to do today?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) *cough*Private 9001*cough*

(2) Yes, "Everypony" and not "Everyling" as all the ponies in the room (Twilight, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo) are looking at Pinkie Pie

(3) Operation Cloudfall was an operation aimed at causing Cloudsdale to crash and burn to cripple Equestria's weather capabilities, but the plan fell apart due to "unknown" reasons so the only thing that ended up falling was a bakery (with some ponies inside that survived with some broken limbs and wings) that was going to be closed down anyway for repeatedly failing Equestrian health, quality, and safety standards.

(4) "Vengeance is a Sweet Dish Best Served Cold" was a film event in Vanhoover where the Nieghponese Vengeance thriller trilogy was inter-played with the Trottingham Blood and Ice Cream comedy trilogy, leading up to the premiere of the joint Neighponese-Applewood Dystopian Sci-Fi Action Thriller Icepiercer. In addition to popcorn and soda, the 14-Hour event also served Beer, Sushi, Goon Mandu (Neighponese fried dumplings filled with tofu, green onions, garlic, and ginger), Yanggaeng (Neighponese red bean jelly bars), and Cornettos (Trottingham Ice Cream cones). Needless to say it was a great time had by all... Except for when 9001 destroyed a fence trying to jump it and almost choked on Sannakji (live octopus seasoned with sesame and sesame oil).

(5) Actually, Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy is a fake disease made up as the result of a massive changeling operation (Operation: Quacksalver). Queen Chrysalis had changelings pose as nurses and assistants to various high-profile physicians and medical officials while having other changelings pose as "patients" of this disorder with a combination of changeling disguise magic and practical special effects. Medical officials were thoroughly fooled by this ruse and added the "disorder" to the official medical databases and dictionaries. The ultimate goal of this operation was to assist changelings with faulty or poor disguise magic skills blend in better by giving them an excuse for their pure blue eyes and tendency to wear alot of clothing (by pony standards) in Pony-populated areas. The name was made up by combing various Old Equestrian (aka, Ancient Latin and Greek in our world) prefixes and suffixes.

(6) Rarity was insistent on only eating an apple slice and a few berries from one cup plate at first before the others convinced her otherwise and you repeatedly apologized and told her she had a fine body (which did cause her to blush a bit).

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.
-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-50 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Alright guys, time for "Ritz" to wander around Ponyville.

Again, NO exposing "Ritz DeWitt" as a changeling and don't even try to leave town as you Pinkie Promised the Cutie Mark Crusaders you'd stay AND Pinkie's planning a party for you.

BTW, Pinkie is still giving out invitations and preparing everything so that party won't be ready next chapter.

Have fun!

Chapter 8: Making My Way Downtown, Walking Fast

1- Ritz sleep under a tree because he did not sleep too much

With Sweet Apple Acres behind you, a belly full of food, and (remarkably) both your body and your cover still intact, you walk down the street until you reach Ponyville proper. You're about to reach Ponyville when suddenly you feel groggy. You're about to question why when you remember that;

It was the middle of the night when you brought the Cutie Mark Crusaders home

You were awakened by that gorram rooster (Note to Self: Eat more fried chicken if I can find it in this land)

You just had a big breakfast so The Itis is kicking in

With that you decide to take a short nap under a nearby tree,

ONE NAP LATER

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Waking up feeling more refreshed, you continue on to Ponyville. You have to admit, for having the reputation of being a "backwater town", Ponyville is actually pretty decent in size. There are several blocks of houses, most of them either one or two stories tall with typical wood and thatched roof construction. Ducking through a short side ally, you come to some sort of farmers' market, with stalls selling all types of produce, and even a few selling trinkets, odds and ends, and comic books-

Wait... comic books? You love comic books! Sure, you like the movie adaptations more (usually) (1), but still!

You quickly maneuver your way through the crowd and up to the stand where a bored looking mare with an outlandishly styled mane is filing her hooves behind the counter. She doesn't even look up to acknowledge your presence.

"Ahem." you loudly clear your throat, causing her to flick her eyes upward to you.

Only now that she's taken a good look at your attire does her attention stick. "Oh- um... yes. Hello, what can I help you with good sir?" she asks, clearly trying to kiss up to you.

"Oh I just noticed you have quite a lot of quality reading material on display here, and I was hoping to browse a bit." you tell her, letting the charm flow a bit.

"Oh of course, you must be one of those Canterlot types, or perhaps Manehatten or Las Pegasus." the mare says as she pulls a few issues from the displays beside her, "I can always count on you big city types to be interested in fashion... Unlike these slobs around here."

"Fashion? Well I guess this suit is pretty nice, but I wouldn't really say I'm-" you pause in your suave rambling when you notice something distinctly off about these comic books... something horribly wrong. Where you thought you saw masked vigilantes standing heroically atop a moonlit building, you can now see that they're actually stallions in suits and masquerade masks on a spotlit stage, and the action-y announcements were actually advertisements for the latest in mare's fashion tips.

You look up at the mare who hadn't stopped talking gossip while you made your horrifying revelation. "This is a fashion magazine." you say coldly, "These are all fashion magazines."

"Well yeah. What did you think they were?" she asks you.

"I thought you were selling comic books, or you know... something horrorshow." you respond with a small wave of your hoof, to which she balks at you.

"Comic books!?" She exclaims before seething at you, "Get out."

"We are out." you gesture to the open space around you, which only makes her glare at you harder, "Okay, I can take a hint. Let me know when you wise up and start selling the good stuff!" you call as you throw the magazine right in her face and continue on your way.

"NEEEEEEERRRRRD!" she screams after you.

"Vanity obsessed merchant of shallow deception and lameness!" you retort.

3- Ritz maybe think about take out the Main Six and give them to Chrysalis.

In a sore mood after that encounter, you mind wanders to dark thoughts,

Since I'm here, I should do some reconnaissance. With any luck, I could discover the weaknesses of the Elements of Harmony, take em out, and then give them to my Queen. That'll show these ponies!

You then mentally facehoof before thinking,

D'oh! My Hive is imprisoned in some castle in Chrysalis-knows-where! And taking on all 6 of those Mares at once? What the buck am I thinking? Gah, just focus on the here and now. For all I know, the Hive is probably defunct now anyway.

Erised the ink-moth's comment

So after stumbling around the market for a while and having to admit to admit to yourself that you're completely lost, you decide it's time to get a decent layout of the town. And truly, there is only one respectable way to go about it...

"Sir! I have to insist you get down from there before you hurt yourself!" a random pegasus yells to you as you cling to the side of the town hall with your changeling hooves and the aid of your Aquilla Talon hook.

"And please do it before you break anything!" Mayor Mare yell up from the ground "We can't afford to fix the roof again this month!"

"I know what I'm doing, jeez! I'm just trying to get a look around." you snap at the ponies as you scramble up onto a flat surface near the top of the three-story building before kneeling forward. It's quite a view from up here; you can see all around the town and how it all sort of fans out in layers around the town hall, first the market and shops, then the residential district, and finally a schoolhouse and a hospital in the far distance with the Apple family orchard in the opposite direction.

"Alright you had your look, now will you please let me get you down from here?" the pegasus asks nervously.

"Nah, I got this." you tell him, and with a quick motion you take a leap of faith off the platform.

"Nnoooooooo!" the pegasus yells as he flies after you while a group of ponies gathered below gasp in shock.

You freefall for about a second towards a conveniently placed pile of hay, before you backflip, and feel the soft cushioning feel of it gently breaking your fa*Crunch!*

You stand there, frozen, screaming in silent pain as you think you broke your back.

"I told everypony we needed a better place to hide all our shiny rocks." a pony in glasses says like a know-it-all.

Note to Self: Check all bales of hay ahead of time BEFORE a Leap of Faith. you think as your about to heal yourself, but then realize that might blow your cover seeing how everypony nearby heard that crack.

"Sir... are you alright?" the pegasus says hesitantly as he flutters down beside you.

"My spine..." you whimper pathetically.

Honestly, how could this get worse?

ONE "YOU JUST HAD TO SAY IT" LATER

It's worse. It's worse!

"Nonono! Up! Fly up!" you scream in terror as you're pulled though the air in the most erratic flying you've experienced since changeling flight camp "No, not towards the trees!"

"Stop squirming around so much, it's dangerous." the bubbly, cross-eyed pegasus tells you even as she flies through an active construction zone, barely missing the steel girders. When she said she'd give you a lift to the hospital because it was on her delivery route anyway, you wondered why everypony gave the two of you such nervous looks. Well now you wonder no more! "Why did you even jump like that? We were all so worried about you when you started climbing up the town hall."

Normally you'd give an articulate response as to how you knew exactly what you were doing at the time and how it should have worked, unfortunately with your current motion sickness and fear of dying, all you can manage to say is, "I just don't know what went wrong!"

The pegasus blushes. "Yeah, I know how that feels."

"Oh no, not the circus! Anything but the circus!" you cry out as she flies you both through a circus tent and you're forced to become an impromptu addition to the trapeze act.

"Grrrahhh! This can NOT be good for my spine!"

So after Derpy, the friendly cross-eyes pegasus, finally found her sense of direction and dropped you off at the hospital (along with a shipment of teddy bears for some reason) you were wheeled into urgent care and told to wait for the nurse to see you, but now that you're finally out of sight, you simply use your healing spell to fix your broken back, albeit expending all the energy you got from breakfast that morning.

As you get off the bed, a heavyset earth pony nurse with a pink coat and striped mane kicks in the door, equipped with a healing lazer-gun, a bandoleer of syringes, and a look like she's ready to single-hoofedly fight every ailment on the planet at once.

"Woah! Woah! Woah!" you exclaim, "There has been a serious mix-up here!"

"Wait, didn't you have a broken back sir?" the Nurse asks in confusion.

"Nah, I'm just here for a Doctor's Note for my condition."

Imagine her disappointment when you tell her there's been a mix-up, and you're just here for a doctor's note for proof on your "Special" disease before she says,

"Okay. Follow me sir and I'll ask Doctor Horse to write you a Doctor's Note."

"Doctor's Note"
Added to Saddlebags

After leaving the hospital, you notice that it's barely noon. After going through all of that though, you think something you haven't though in a long while.

"I need a drink." you grumble to yourself as you set off to find the bar you noticed before you took your failed leap of faith.

BrownDog77's comment

Well, if your experience in quest arcade games is anything to go by, you can always find a quest by asking the bartender for rumors around town.
When you walk in the bar, you see a Purple Mare with a grapes & strawberry Cutie Mark behind the counter.

"Why hello sir, what can I do for you today?" she asks.

"Hello, I'm new in town and I was wondering if you knew of any rumors?" you ask in turn.

"Um... about what?"

"You know, strange happenings, people looking for jobs, stuff like that."

"Well I can let you know, if you buy a drink." she says.

"*sigh* Get me a milk," you then slap down a Bit onto the counter, "Chocolate."

On cue, a glass of chocolate milk slides down the counter out of nowhere and into your hoof.

"Not much of a drinker eh?" she asks.

"Nah, not so much. (2) In fact, I have this old wine bottle that I have no idea what to do with," you tell her taking the Old Bottle of Wine out.

She takes one look at the bottle and her eyes widen in awe.

"M-Mr... That there is a 982 bottle from the Vino Collection of Old Canterlot!"

"Uh... is that good?" you ask obliviously.

"That wine you are holding is over 1,000 years old from the early days of the Equestrian Kingdom! I thought there were only a dozen intact bottles left of it in the world!"

"Whoa! Potent stuff then huh?"

"Of course, even just uncorking it and sniffing it would cause you to get black out drunk," she says drooling.

"Dang. How much would this stuff sell for?"

"Ponies would sell for any high price you set. They'd give their limbs for that..." she says in awe.

"Really?" you ask.

"Mr. I would become your own personal anything-goes slave just to have a whiff of that liquid goodness," she says giving you seductive eyes.

Your eyes widen at that, and you quickly put it away. "OK, yeah I don't think that's necessary. Think I'll just hold on to that for awhile still," you say causing her eyes to become downtrodden.

"Old Bottle of Wine" renamed "Vino Collection 982 Wine"

"Thanks for the drink though, Mrs..."

"MS. Berry Punch," she emphasizes, "But they also call me Berryshine. Let me know if you change your mind," she says with a smile and a wink.

"Yeah... Um, do you know where a fella can get a game of poker started around here?" you ask trying to change the subject.

2-Ritz cheat in poker as he sense the emotions of the other players and have experience reading faces

Down With Chrysalis's comment

SEVERAL POKER GAMES LATER

I guess this is luck's way of making up for breaking my spine. you comment as you leave the tavern in a "huff" with more Bits in your Saddlebags.

The fact that your changeling-ness allows you to senses other's emotions helps you reveal their bluffs and your face-covering scarf combined with your training gives you one hay of a Poker Face. Combined with your previous experience working undercover at a Las Pegasus casino, you were easily able to clean house, but you where sure to purposefully lose "big" a few times as not to draw suspicion. One thing you learned as a dealer is that there's nothing more suspicious in a casino then a uninterrupted winning streak.

Seeing how I'll be leaving this place eventually, I might as well stock up on supplies. you decide and proceed to head back to the market area and go shopping with your winnings,

Used Blanket
2 Rolls of Duct Tape
2 Cans of WD-40
3 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal. Hope fully Max Pain rules work out better than Assassin's Vow rules)
5 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake. Chrysalis even experimented with using Energy Shots to eliminate the need for sleep in her drones only to give up on the idea when excessive use of Energy Shots causes Changeling's livers and kidneys to explode)
7 Cans of Apple Slices
7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers (You did name yourself after them)
7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
7 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
Added to Saddlebags

81 Bits remaining

As you walk away from the market, you hear a voice call,

"Pssst. Hey!"

You turn your head to see a shady looking pony in an alley with a trenchcoat. You're about to just move on (and prepare Aquila Talon if the pony gets aggressive) when he opens his coat and says,

"Wanna buy some smokes?"

Seeing an opening to quote the only funny part of Assault of the Clones you say,

"You don't want to sell m-" suddenly your eyes widen, "Wait, are those Shi Bàngs?" (3)

"Yes indeed. All 13 Flavors smuggled straight from Neighpon; Cinnamon, Coffee, Green Tea, Mint, Apple, Ramen, Clean Laundry, you name it."

Seeing those cigarettes trigger more memories. You remember that Equestria has extensive anti-smoking laws (there are anti-smoking ads everywhere) and flavored cigarettes are explicitly banned. However, changelings are immune to the many harmful effects of smoking due to their toxin-resistant physiology so they are noticeably popular among drones (officers preferred cigars). Quite a few changelings smoke for disguises, the flavor, the smell, or even just cause they think it looks cool. You were in the latter as you took up smoking to emulate badflank characters from Cowpony Bebop, Iron Gear Solid, and Blade Trotter to name a few... Only to discover that normal cigarettes taste horrible and abandon the idea. You then discovered the Shi Bàng brand of flavored/scented Neighponese cigarettes during a mission in Las Pegasus and they became your brand of choice (favorite flavor being Cherry-Vanilla), but even then that was only occasional as they were rare to come by. However, now you have a lighter, a cigarette case, and some Bits...

"Get me all your packs of Cherry-Vanilla."

"Sorry, only have one pack of that left. How about Tong Sui?" he offers.

"No thanks, just give me the pack of Cherry-Vanilla then." you respond with a hint of dejection.

"That'll be 10 Bits."

As soon as you get the pack, you proceed to empty the cigarettes into your "Gold Cigarette Case".

Pack of 20 Cherry-Vanilla Cigarettes added to "Gold Cigarette Case"
71 Bits remaining

"You never saw me..." the shady pony says before disappearing back into the shadows of the alley.

"Just don't sell to foals." you call after him.

"I don't anyway. They never have enough Bits." he responds.

As you exit the alley you hear a voice cry,

"Look out!"

You look up in shock only for a gray mass of fur and feathers to slam into you.

"Back so soon Derpy?" you snark as the mailmare gets off you.

"Sorry, but I have a letter for you." she says as she reaches into the mailbag and pulls out a small letter that she hooves to you.

"Thanks." you say as you accept the letter and hoof Derpy a Bit.

"Thank you. Have a nice day." she responds before flying off. You read the letter and it says,

Dear Mr. Ritz DeWitt,

Please come to Sugarcube Corner.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

P.S. Don't worry I didn't tell anypony about your Secret Identity

"Okay... But I have no idea what, let alone where, this 'Sugarcube Corner' even is." you say to yourself before you notice it says more on the back.

P.P.S. Twilight reminds me that you're new in town so Sugarcube Corner is the building near the marketplace that looks like a Gingerbread House.

"Well that's convenient." you comment as you make your way over to the place in the letter. When you arrive at the front of the bakery, you can sense the emotions of several ponies inside and you swore you saw a poofy pink mane dart up to the window before quickly darting back out of sight. At this, the only thing going through your mind is,

Obvious ambush is obvious.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) While there are great comic book movies like Marevengers, Vice City, and Kingstallions, there have been stinkers like Iron or *shudder* The Ghost

(2) While one of the lessons in the Changeling Hive training is how to "Drink to Blend In", but you can't remember it at the moment so you decided to quote one of your favorite Time Travel movies.

(3) Shi is Japanese for "death" and Bàng is Chinese for "stick" so the literal translation for "Shi Bàngs" is "Death Sticks"

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 20 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.
-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Vino Collection 982 Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-3 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal. Hope fully Max Pain rules work out better than Assassin's Vow rules)
-5 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-7 Cans of Apple Slices
-7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-7 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-70 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Party time commenters!

Oh, and yes Ritz DeWitt (you) is a smoker. Yes, I'm studying the medical field so I know that smoking in VERY deadly, but I was inspired to make Ritz a smoker due to this point-raising video (and I'm sick of how overbearing, obnoxious, fanatical, and self-righteous the anti-smoking movement is becoming).

Plus I already established changelings as highly toxin-resistant so they don't do anything to him anyway. Besides, he won't be able to smoke often due to needing to keep his face covered in public and you can have shenanigans happen when he smokes. Your call commenters, just make sure that you (Ritz/815) do NOT smoke around foals or pregnant mare. And don't expose him as a changeling either.

This chapter's question:

Who is the coolest smoker in fiction?

Let's face it, smoking is REALLY dangerous and there are hundreds of reasons not to smoke, but many characters just make it look badass and even classy. Of these characters, who rocks the deathsticks best?

Chapter 9: Yeeeaaahhh, It's a Party in the CIA- I Mean Ponyville

Kichi's comment

As you look at this "Sugarcube Corner" you also now notice that Ponyville is suddenly a ghost town as there is noling walking around. This is especially strange because ever since that gorram rooster woke you up, this town was bustling with activity. Taking this into account, you draw the logical conclusion,

Oh no, They must have discovered what I am! It must be a trap, the moment I enter I'm gonna get dogpiled by an angry mob of ponies. you think in worry, Time to bail!

With that you turn around and proceed to head down the road towards Ponyville's exit. Just as you were right at the "Now Leaving Ponyville" sign, you stop and cautiously look around to make sure nopony is there to stop you. Seeing nothing you decide to move forward when suddenly Pinkie Pie is right in front of you!

"Hi! What are you doing here Ritz? Did you not get the note?" she asks with an unusually... "offness" in her smile.

"Uhhh... Err... I was looking around and, uh, admiring theeeeee beauty of this town and I think I might have, uh, taken the wrong path... Yeah, Heh Heh." you chuckle nervously, mentally praying that she buys your lie.

"Oh, no problem, I can lead you back to Sugarcube Corner, but it's still strange... My Pinkie Sense was telling me that a changeling around here was going to break a Pinkie Promise, but I don;t see any changelings." she responds with that unsettling smile as she looks around.

"A-A Changeling? Wh-what makes you say that? And what's that about a Pinkie Promise?" you ask in nervous alarm before suddenly remembering the night before.

LAST NIGHT

"I Pinkie Promise not to leave tomorrow or leave you three behind in exchange for your help... Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

BACK TO NOW

"Uhhh... It's a combo." Pinkie says, "Twitchy tail, ear flop, ear flop, twitchy tail, and itchy nose means a Changeling is going to break a Pinkie Pomise, meanwhile ear flop, ear flop, twitchy tail, and stomachache means a minotaur is going to break a Pinkie Promise, and a doozy with a twitchy tail and ear flop, means Discord is going to make a friend smile..." soon she starts just babbling so you stop paying attention.

However, you also remember the chats you had during that game of poker. Specifically the strange rumors of the pink mare and what she does to those who break one of her Promises. The most famous rumor was that she would mutilate you into cupcakes, another rumor was that she followed you even to the afterlife with a constantly babbling mouth that would never close, there was even a rumor that she could transform in a white pegasus and begin to throw magical beams that could defeat even Celestia but there was no proof of any of that as no one dared to break a Pinkie Promise fearing what the Pink Mare could do to them. That or if somepony was dumb enough to break a Pinkie Promise, he'd never got the chance to do it again...

go to suggercube corner

Seeing how you don't really have a choice otherwise anyway, that's what you do.

With a resigned sigh, you turn around and go back into Ponyville, leaving behind Pinkie who's oblivious to your absence as she's now babbling/pondering something about how Aquamare can control whales if her powers only apply to fish. When you arrive in front of the bakery again, you can still sense ponies inside the establishment...

Try to gauge their intentions through the emotions you detect before deciding to go inside.

Focusing on their emotions you can sense cunning and anticipation, but mixed with joy instead of maliciousness which rules out a hostile ambush. This combination of emotions is familiar to you, but you just can't quite place your hoof on it-

*ding* It's one of those "Surprise Party" things. But I thought ponies only did that in sitcom serials?

You shrug and are about to go in when you realize,

"D'oh! It's not a surprise if I already know! The party hasn't even started and I already pooped it!" you moan, "How am I gonna salvage thi-"

*ding*

BrownDog77's comment

Getting a cunning idea, you sneak around Sugarcube Corner, carefully staying under the windows so you won't get spotted until you reach the backdoor. You then whisper "Aquila Talon" and prepare to lockpick/pry open the door with the hookblade when you find the backdoor is unlocked.

Huh. Ponies here must be really trusting or really gullible. Then again I repeat myself. you mentally comment as you use your changeling stealth skills to climb up the walls and onto the ceiling before sneaking into the main area where you see various ponies hiding behind objects much smaller than them or half-in the shadows.

Amateurs. you mentally smirk at their "stealth" skills. Looking around at all the ponies waiting for you, your mischievous side takes over. You look around and see that the closest pony is Rarity hiding behind a vase so you carefully sneak over to her while still on the ceiling until you are directly over her and whisper,

"So... who are we ambushing?"

"Ssshhh! We're going to surprise Mr. DeWitt when he comes in here with a surprise party. Be quiet or you'll ruin it," Rarity hissed in a whisper.

"Why are we giving him a party again?"

"Because, he's new in town and saved my sister and her friends. Now keep it down or you'll ruin it. Pinkie goes through alot of trouble for these parties. Honestly darling, weren't you there when Pinkie explain-"

*shink*

Rarity's voice trailed off at the sound of your hookblade deploying and she looks up to see a pair of blue orbs peering down at her in the darkness.

"Hi." you smirk.

"KKKKYYYYAAA!" Rarity screamed, jumping back in surprise and backing into a wall. All the ponies in the room jumped at the sound of the scream and the lights come on to reveal a smiling "pony" in a suit dropping to the floor from the ceiling.

"Good evening everyli-er pony," you say with a smile beneath your scarf as you fix your tie.

All the ponies looked at you in surprise, while a certain pink pony walks right up to you in a fury.

"RITZ!!! YOU RUINED MY SURPRISE!! AND AFTER I SPENT SO LONG PLANNING!!!"

Cruel Chrysalis, she's bucking terrifying! you think before you hastily say,

"Sorry, sorry! My old training kicked in and I couldn't resist!"

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and frowned, but eventually turned back to the other ponies with a smile and declares,

"PARTY TIME!"

Erised the ink-moth's comment

Pinkie then bounces off to the kitchen afterwards, humming a tune like she had never even been mad in the first place.

"Uh, should I be worried about her?" you ask the rest of her friends.

"Nah, Pinkie isn't one to hold a grudge." Rainbow shrugs "Unless you break a pinkie promise." she adds with a slight shiver.

You nod as you decide to keep that in mind for later. In the meantime, you figure you should acquaint yourself with the rest of the ponies who showed up to the party, most of which you could have sworn you saw while you were wandering around town. You haven't really gotten a plan together yet and gathering intel will help in the long run. It should be especially easy since a few of them have already surrounded you and are currently invading your personal space! Honestly... what is it with ponies and physical contact?!

"Uh... hi?" you stammer and back up from the crowd (while unconsciously reaching for a Thundercloud Orb) as a bright pink mare with a blue slicked back mane and tail leans in uncomfortably close.

"Well hello there mister DeWitt," she says in a seductive accent "I'm Aloe, my sister Lotus Blossom and I run the Ponyville Day Spa here in Ponyville. Maybe you could stop by for a treatment sometime."

Okay... Aside from how... 'relaxing' that sounds, there are SO many things that could go horribly wrong. most of them having to do with the fact that I'm basically a big emotion-parasite under this suit. Tread carefully...

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm not really comfortable with anypony else touching me like that or seeing me without clothes on; besides I have a skin condition." you say as you hold up the Doctor's Note.

Aloe just looks at you more deeply though. "Oh that's okay, we don't get that many customers. It'd just be me helping you with your... 'condition'."

Dear Chrysalis, the smell of bath salts, lotion, and shampoo on her coat is intoxicating!

"Aloe!" scolds another mare who looks just like her but with her color scheme flipped as she pulls Aloe's hooves off of your shoulders.

Thank Chrysal- Wait, when did Aloe get that close? you think and just as you're about to ponder how her stealth skills seemingly rival yours the other mare apoligizes in an accent.

"I apoligize about my sister, Mr. DeWitt. She's a bit of a flirt with the stallions. Still, she's right, business has been a bit slow lately and we'd love it if you'd come give our sauna a visit. We'll even give you a discount if you bring a friend."

You consider her offer and finally tell her,

"I'll think about it." as you tip your bowler.

It seemed to satisfy her and she manages to wrestle her sister away from you to let you have some chat time with the other guests too.

Hah, she thinks I didn't see what they did right there. you think to yourself while making your way to the punch, I saw the whole thing, send her sister to soften me up with her flirting, then she moves in to save me while offering what seems like a good deal. Whether she figures I'm actually interested in a relaxing treatment, or just want to see her sister again, it means I'm likely to stop by their spa. And that 'discount for a friend' just suckers in another. Plot sells after all. Very clever spa ponies... very clever."

"I wonder what he's like under that suit." you suddenly pick out Aloe's voice nearby, and look over to see little cartoon hearts bubbling out from the mare while her sister face-hoofs. You decide to focus on her emotions out of curiosity and detect the unmistakable presence of lust coming from her and directed at you causing you to blush under your scarf.

Woah. I knew every mare crazy 'bout a sharp dressed stallion, but-

Your mental response to that is interrupted when you get bumped into by another mare to your right who wasn't exactly looking where she was going, more intent on hiding something from view more than anything else.

"Oh hey Berry Punch, nice to see you again." you greet her eyeing what she's trying to conceal "What do you have ther-"

"SHHH!" she quickly hushes you "Adults only punch." she whispers and discretely pours two whole bottles of Jack Spaniels into the punch and gives it a stir for good measure.

You raise an eyebrow at her, but seeing as how there's no foals or pregnant mares present, you decide not to spoil her fun.

"Berry!" calls yet another mare who trots over and gives a hard stare at Berry Punch "So, what are you doing over by the punchbowl?"

"Nothing!" Berry's snaps as her eyes dart left and right, "I was just, uh... was just over here doing...- oh hey, have you met mister DeWitt yet?!" she says and grabs your shoulder and drags you over for an awkward sideways hug, "I have to introduce you, we go way back... heh." she nudges you painfully in the side "Play... along." she says through her teeth to you, all the while smiling nervously at the blue and white unicorn in front of you.

"Right well, I'm Ritz DeWitt." you introduce yourself and manage to break free of Berry's hold "Nice to meet you..."

"Minuette, but my friends call me Colgate. No idea why." Minuette says as she shakes your hoof "So what did Berry do to the punch? And please tell me it wasn't her special 'Adult punch'."

You look blankly at her for a moment before shrugging,

"Okay, I won't." you snark, suppressing your laughter as Minuette launches into a rant about alcohol and dental hygiene while Berry calls you a traitor with playful drama. With those mares busy, you decide to gather more intel.

SnapDrakeGames's comment

SEVERAL INTERACTIONS LATER

The party's in full swing now. Pastries are consumed, excitement is high, and a DJ and a Cellist are performing an epic duet. Through your socializing you found out,

-Caramel is Rarity's neighbor, the cousin to the Ponyville Doctor, and works two jobs; One at the farm and the other as a rodeo clown in Appleloosa. That was all you were able to find out before he suddenly remembered he forgot that he was supposed to return something to his special somepony and quickly left.
-Minuette is punctual, lives in Canterlot, but frequently comes to Ponyville, works part-time as a dental assistant, and dates Berry Punch. You then remembered that she was one of the bridesmaids that Chrysalis brainwashed during the wedding so you awkwardly back off.
-Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon are a couple in Ponyville. The former is a lyre player and humany from Canterlot while the latter runs a candystore named "Sweetie Drops Candies". You sense that Bon Bon is harboring a secret, but then awkwardly back off again when you remember that Lyra was also brainwashed by Chrysalis.
-The cellist's name is Octavia Melody, she was educated in Trottingham, and she lives with the DJ; Vinyl "DJ Pon-3" Scratch.
-Speaking of her, she's an extroverted party animal and a slight flirt (nowhere near the level of Aloe, though)

You make your way to the side of the party, where you see Twilight kind of off on her own, immersed in a book. "Hey," you call. "Why aren't you out on the dance floor with the rest of your friends?"

Twilight looks up from her book, and then follows your line of sight to see the rest of the Elements performing an intricate and impressively choreographed dance number (how is Pinkie spinning on her head for so long?). She turns back to you, and blushes a little.

"It's... kind of embarrassing," she says. "The gist of it is that if I try dancing in such a crowded area, the hospital is gonna be full tomorrow."

"Ooh," you groan. "Eh, I know the feeling."

"What?" Twilight smirks, "Enigmatic elite like yourself never taught to dance?"

"Hey! I will have you know that the as a specialist of the hi- I mean, organization, I am well taught in over two hundred diverse skill sets, including drilling, milk-delivering, floor-sweeping, table-waitering, wall-painting, bird-watching, scuba-diving, and frog-catching."

"...But not dancing," Twilight grins.

You give a sigh. "No, not dancing."

"It's not difficult," Twilight says. "Just listen to the music and move your body to the beat. Do what comes naturally."

"Says the Hero of Equestria who can send everyli- er, pony else to the infirmary doing what comes naturally." you snark.

"Touche," Twilight giggles. "So, some party, eh?"

"Yep," you nod as your eyes wander back to the dance floor and find Rainbow Dash break-dancing in midair... somehow. "This is some party. Too bad it's the only one of the year."

Twilight shoots you a strange look. "What do you mean 'only one of the year?' Pinkie Pie throws parties, like, every third day."

You sputter a bit at this, "What?" you manage to get out. "But... how can she afford to do that?"

"Eh. She's a baker," Twilight explains. "That handles the pastries. Also, part of our taxes go to supporting certified party ponies like her."

"Oh. Right," you mutter, Why is Equestrian Law so weird? Eh, bread and circuses I guess. Or in this case cakes and parties.

"I think there are party ponies in other cities too. All around Equestria," Twilight says. "You seriously only go to one party a year?"

"Er- back at the hi- organization, I mean, we only ever had enough lo- I mean, pastries for one party a year," you explain quickly, hoping she doesn't catch on. (1)

"Weird? What kind of organization did you work at?" Twilight asks.

"That's classified," you respond. "But... well, it had... other priorities."

Twilight shrugs. "Well, so long as you're in Ponyville, you'll get a lot more party experience. You'll be an expert partygoer in no time! I have a book you can use, if you want!"

"Woah, hold on there. I don't need a book," you say. "I'm an expert partygoer already."

"An expert partygoer who attends one party a year?" Twilght gives you a skeptical smile.

"Hey. When we partied, we really partied," you argue. "By the end of the night, no lamp still had its shade attached. It'd get so loud that the neighbors would complain."

"I'm still not impressed," Twilight teases.

"Alright," you continue, "so the party's just getting going, everypony's excited, and then, inevitably, somepony breaks out the Poko."

"Poko? Wow, now I am a little impressed," Twilight says, raising an eyebrow.

"Anyways," you continue. "They break out the Poko and everypony goes hogwild. They're flying into the ceiling, they can't carry anything straight, their disguise spe- I mean, uh, clothes are all messed up. Personally, I was never much of a drinker myself. While others were carrying out pranks on the inebriated, I'd be talking to them. Being completely drunk, they'd have no idea what they were saying and I'd extract some juicy intel."

"Really?" Twilight looks intrigued.

"Yeah. This one guy- grown bu- pony, by the way- he actively watches My Little Human and not just as part of a cover."

"Pssh. You're lying," Twilight giggles.

"I wish I was," you grin. "And its not just him. I spoke to twelve others that night who confessed to liking the show."

"Oh, that's almost a little sad," Twilight laughs.

"Eh, apparently there're even more of them," you say. "It's growing into a movement of sorts. They call themselves- Humanies."

"That... is a really dumb name," Twilight notes.

"I know," you reply. "But hey, if there are that many who like it, maybe the show's actually worth watching, if we'd just give it a chance."

You both manage to hold a straight face for another couple of seconds before you burst out laughing. "Oh, who am I kidding," you chuckle. "I mean, sure there are great cartoons aimed at foals like Darkwing Goose or Strength Stuff Fillies, but a toy-driven cartoon meant for brainwashing fillies into buying toys and stereotypical gender roles? Please."

When you manage to get control of yourself and Twilight settles down, you shoot her a smile. "So yeah. Experienced partygoer. Don't worry about me."

"And yet you still don't know how to dance," Twilight says.

"Touche." you sigh.

When Twilight stops laughing, she gives you a friendly grin. "So, tell me more. What else would happen at these parties at your 'organization?'"

"Well, there was this one time-"

Grey Rebl's comment

You're suddenly interrupted when a pink hoof shoves a plate of cake in your face.

"Cake?"

You back off from the cake to see that it looks like your Bowler hat.

"Wait, is that my-"

"Yup indeed! I didn't know what you liked or what flavor you ate so I decided on a chocolate-vanilla marble cake with black icing just for you."

Moved by this display of generosity (2) "I-I don't know what to say-"

"Don't talk, eat! Just take a bite! Take it now!" she exclaims as she shoves the plate in your face again.

"Pinkie..." Twilight starts in annoyance as you take a bite of the cake.

Suddenly you feel the need to vomit and fart rainbows. Holy golden smokes this is euphoric! You can feel the fluff from the cream, the warm swirling alliance of chocolate and vanilla in the cake, and a third flavor you just can't place. Never before have you ever tasted something so... divine. A-are you in heaven?

"Overlord Grumpy Kitten?" you began to say to a hallucination, formed by your tastebuds' enlightenment. "Have you finally decided to let me pet you?"

"Um," Twilight says. "Mr. DeWitt? Are you okay?"

"No, I think I have tasted...the rainbow! Lift me rainbow! Lift me to where all the kittens go!" you say wistfully.

Behind you, a certain rainbow daredevil just stares at you for that,

"Uh, ew? Dude, that's just weird." When you ignore her, she began to point at you, facing her friends, twirling a hoof over her ear with another hoof, "It's like that weirdo has never eaten cake before." she says.

"Rainbow!" Twilight scolds.

Suddenly, just as quickly as the euphoria came, it disappears. With all the blood sugar finally crashing, you immediately black out and crash face first into the floor, Only to jerk back awake with a start.

"How?! What?!" you blurt, "What was THAT?!"

That shouldn't have happened. Your body resists toxins, so of course you shouldn't even black out even for a second! Did they put legitimate poison in it? But even that wouldn't work if it's meant for normal ponies... A thought suddenly makes you freeze in place. Oh, Chrysalis! Do they know you are changeling, and they got poison made specifically for you?!

"What was in that?!" you shout at Pinkie.

"Sugar!" Pinkie smiles.

"Really? Really?! Just sugar?" you question.

"Weeeell..." Pinkie says, "I actually ran out of most of the sugar making the other sweets for the party before I could get to your cake. I was super-worried at first at not having a cake for the pony of honor and was about to run to the store to buy more when I overheard a donkey and a unicorn sneaking in the alleyway behind Sugarcube Corner. They were saying something about how their boss would give them a necktie if they messed up which doesn't sound too bad as who doesn't like neckties?" she says as she points at your red tie and continues, "But when I said Hi to them, they both ran away and accidentally dropped a packet of sugar which was just enough for me to finish your cake!"

You, Twilight, and Rainbow look at her in disbelief before you speak up,

"Uh Pinkie... I think that was Cocaine you put in my cake."

"WHAT?!!!" Pinkie screams in disbelief.

"Yeah judging from their behavior they were probably drug mules-"

"But they weren't mules, they were a donkey and a unicorn." Pinkie counters.

"It's just a term. Also, that 'Necktie' they were talking about is probably that cartel execution method w-hmph." you start to explain before Twilight quickly shoves a hoof into your mouth.

"Oh no! What have I done?!" Pinkie cries as her mane deflates, "I brought drugs into a house with babies! I'm the worst pony ever!" Pinkie starts to cry before the rest of the Mane 6 comfort her.

"There there Pinkie." Fluttershy comforts.

"Yes darling, you didn't know any better." Rarity adds.

"Don't worry Pinkie, I'll send a letter to Celestia to ensure you don't get into any trouble." Twilight says, "With the proper techniques, the Cocaine could be extracted from the cake and tracked to its point of orig-"

*thud*

The ponies all turn and see that you have crashed face-first into the ground again after having another bite of cake.

"Mr. DeWitt!" Twilight yells, "Why would you knowingly eat a drugged cake?!"

"What? Cake is cake." you obliviously respond as you think, Besides, I'm toxin-resistant anyway. as you get up and are about to take another bite of cake when Twilight uses her magic to take the cake away from you,

"Hey!" you exclaim as Twilight rolls her eyes in annoyance.

"I'll give it to the Mayor with the appropriate forms so the Royal Guard can process it." Twilight says as she levitates the cake away and heads towards the Mayor.

"Um... should Mr. DeWitt see a Doctor." Fluttershy meekly suggests.

"Nah, drug resistance is one of the things we're born wi- I mean it's what the H- Gah, Organization trained us in. I could take a whole bottle of these babies without ODing." you boast as you hold up and shake one of your Painkiller Bottles for emphasis.

The others look at you in concern and are about to say something when...

Pinkie Pie asks what your favorite cake is and you reply the Tomato Soup Cake. Twilight comments how it's a recipe by author Silver Path and according to her personal journals, Silver wrote some of her most famous poems while baking that cake.
Specifically, you say you like it triple-layered, without the raisins and nuts, covered in ALOT of cream cheese frosting, and it tastes like carrot cake and cream cheese frosting with an aftertaste of creamy tomato basil soup.

"Out of curiosity, what's your favorite type of cake?" Pinkie asks, having been cheered up and is now in your personal space again.

"That's easy, Tomato Soup Cake." you reply.

"Tomato Soup what?" Rainbow Dash asks in disbelief.

"Tomato Soup Cake."

"Tomato Soup Cake?!" Twilight exclaims in excitement as she rejoins you and the others, "You've also read Silver Path's work?"

"Silver who?" you ask.

"Oh you know, Silver Path."

Everypony (and you) just look at her in confusion,

"The writer, poet, and and novelist?"

"..."

"Author of The Bell Jar, Ariel, and countless acclaimed poems?"

"...."

"Won the Ponyitzer Prize for The Collected Poems?"

"..."

"The mother of confessional poetry?!" she repeats with more exasperation before pointing at you, "You of all ponies should know who she is because her personal journals said that she wrote the poem Death & Company while baking a Tomato Soup Cake."

"In all honesty, I first stumbled across the recipe in some old books while looking for something else in Manehattan and baked it cause I just happened to have all the ingredients at the saf- I mean motel. Personally, I prefer it triple-layered, minus the nuts and raisins, and buried with ALOT of cream cheese frosting."

"So what does it taste like?" Pinkie asks.

"Carrot cake and cream cheese frosting with an aftertaste of creamy tomato basil soup. Although I also wouldn't say no to a cookies and cream cheesecake with buttercream frosting."

You're about to continue the conversation when you noticed that Berry Punch has somehow set up a bar in the corner with a wide array of drinks and some other ponies are already gathered there.

In order to get on everyling's good side again, you decide to order drinks for the Elements. You remember all the different drinks you learned about back at the hive and the personalities that usually drink them, so you use that knowledge...only for it not to be true for most the mares.
You then enter a drinking contest with some of the more daring Mares, like Rainbow Dash, Vinyl Scratch, and Berry Punch, who keeps asking about your bottle of wine. But yeah, with your tolerance you think you'll win, but Pinkie keeps holding on, and it gets to the point where your tongue burns.

Deciding to earn favor with the mares who could crush you like an ant if you mess this up you head over to the bar,

"Would you ladies like some drinks?" you offer.

"I thought you said you weren't much of a drinker." Twilight point out.

"Key word being 'much'." you respond, "I'm not one of those smug Straight Edgers."

With some reservations the Elements take you up on your offer and join you at the bar.

"Hey Berry Punch, try not to make too much of a mess this time or the Cakes won't let you set up a bar here anymore." Pinkie warns.

"I won't. Another chocolate milk?" Berry Punch responds to Pinkie before asking you.

"Actually I'll get..."

As you think of what to order you get a flashback...

BACK AT THE CHANGELING HIVE

You find yourself in a classroom as the changeling in front (Lieutenant "Dalmore " 64) goes over information on the chalkboard,

"Alright drones, Today's lesson is 'The Language of the Bottle'. As you may already know, many ponies consume alcohol to achieve a state of intoxication that they refer to as being 'drunk', 'smashed', 'hammered' or 'pissed'. Due to our natural toxin-resistant physiology, we are incapable of reaching this intoxication so our main use for this liquid is for blending in or interrogations (which will be covered by Captain 24 ("Ask Hard") next week). Choose your drink carefully as your choice of drink makes a statement about you. The wrong drink at the wrong location can blow your cover just as much as not having a proper disguise. On this chalkboard, I have listed some common alcoholic beverages and what each one says. I will be conducting some very important research so don't bother me. Everything you need to know for the test at the end of this lesson is on this board so read carefully."

With that he leaves the room with 3 bottles in paper bags. On the board it reads;

REMEMBER: Even if you don't like it, POKER FACE IS KEY!
-Tequila: "Please validate that I'm cool."
-Jager: "I also need validation but Tequila tastes super gross."
-Martini: "I'm a smooth suave pony of mystery."

NOTE: Works better with a tuxedo
-Vodka with soda/juice: "I'm just trying to get drunk."
-Vodka with Energy Drink: "I'm just trying to get DRUNKER THAN ANYPONY'S EVER BEEN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE!"
-Cape Codder: "I'm a nice lady."
-Vodka: "I'm from Stalliongrad."
-Light Beer: "I'm here to party."
-Regular Beer: "I'm here to have a good time."
-Fancy Beer: "What am I even doing here..."
-Whisky: This is unusual as even though there are multiple types of whisky that all taste the same, ponies treat them as extremely different just because of where they were brewed;

-Scotch (Trottingham Highlands): "Look at how mysterious and sophisticated I am."

-Bourbon (Mustangia): "I'm a hard-boiled tough pony."

-Moonshine (Homemade): "I'm a hick y'all!"

-Whisky (No ice): "I'm going though a REALLY tough time..."
-Any Fancy Cocktail: "I'm interesting."
-Gin & Tonic: "I'm boring. Don't hang out with me."
-Bloody Mary: "I'm hungover, Ow..."
-Wine: "I'm high class and snooty."

NOTE: Extra snooty-ness if you start babbling stuff about age, palate profiles, and finishes.
-Champagne: "I got money to flash!"
-Brandy: "I am an intellectual you simpleton."
-Rum: "Yo ho ho!"
-Ramune: "I'm an otaku desu-san."
-Sake: "I'm Neighponese."
-White Cowcasian: "I have seen 'The Big Lecowski' a dozen times, Man."
-Old Fashioned: "I never miss an episode of 'Mad Mares'."
-Ginger Ale: "I don't drink but I want to look like I do."
-Club Soda: "Must... Stay... On... Wagon..."
-Coffee: "Must... Stay... Awake..."

NOTE: Like a lesser form of the Bourbon answer if Coffee is ordered "Black"
-Milk: 50/50 chance between "I'm a big wienie." or "I will WRECK you if you try something."
-Water: "I'm only here cause I'm bucking flying tonight."
-Poko: "BUCK YOU LIVER!!!"

BACK TO NOW

You've never liked the taste of alcohol, but your main disguise drink when you were with the Hive has always been choking down a "Gin & Tonic" due to the boring vibes of the drink keeping other ponies away, allowing you to blend in unnoticed more. However, seeing how you're trying to make yourself seem friendly...

"Get a brandy for Twilight, moonshine for Applejack, a Cape Codder for Rarity, light beer for Pinkie, Jager shots for Rainbow Dash (and keep em coming), water for Fluttershy, and I'll have a Beer." you tell the bartender as you point to each of the mares.

As the 6 look at you in various expressions of amazement and confusion, the bartender asks,

"Alright, but what kind of beer?"

"Huh?" you ask in confusion.

"I mean you got ale, lager, stou-"

"Stout." you reply. You figure if stouts are good enough for The Broomdock Saints and the Kingstallions then it must have something to it.

"Oooo, just like what Lyra usually and Octavia occasionally gets." Pinkie comments.

"Aw yeah, keep em comin!" Rainbow Dash says in approval.

"Actually, I don't drink and I have a long night planned studying some long-lost Saddle Arabain scrolls so I'll just have coffee with cream and sugar please." Twilight says to the bartender.

"Thanks partner, but I have work in the morning as well so I'll just have an apple cider." Applejack adds.

"I appreciate the gesture darling, but I just had a long day and require something stronger. Make that a Cosmopolitan, Berry Punch dear. Oh, and don't skimp on the vodka or triple sec." Rarity says.

"Blagh. Light beer tastes bad. I'll have a strawberry milk cause it's pink like cotton candy or me or-."

"Um... I'll just have an iced tea, if you don't mind that is..." Fluttershy says shyly before suddenly lightly glaring at Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, "A normal iced tea." this causes Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to look sheepish at that (3).

"Fine by me, I'm still treating anyway." you shrug as you pay while mentally lamenting,

D'oh! I only got 1 out of 6!

60 Bits remaining

As everypony's order arrives, you take a mouthful of the stout only to instantly regret it as the taste of bitter alcohol with hints of burnt barely and black coffee hits your tongue.

Cruel Chrysalis, what was I thinking?! you mentally complain as your face scrunches up in disgust for a moment, but you quickly manage to reestablish your changeling poker face as you ask,

"So... The girls tell me you had front row seats to that craziness at the wedding."

This causes the Elements to start talking about the Canterlot Wedding (and filling you in on details you missed out on). You manage to choke down the stout as the mares tell their side of the story and you don't think you can take any more when your almost half-empty glass triggers a memory of when you went undercover at Pranceton University (you forgot the exact details, but you do remember you were minoring in Liberal Arts, were involved in a wild party, and got kicked out for poor grades and relying way too much on college movie cliches before you could complete your mission... whatever it was) and saw some frat-colts chugging a unique cocktail.

"Can I please get a shot glass filled with half cream and half Scotch?" you ask Berry Punch before asking the mares.

"So... what would you guys do if there was a changeling in Ponyville? You know, just out of curiosity?"

"Well we would alert the proper authorities as outlined in-"

"We'd pound the slime out of the roach until he squeals what his evil plans are!" Rainbow Dash exclaims causing Fluttershy to comment,

"Um Rainbow, that sounds really violent."

"Exactly!" Rainbow Dash responds before downing another Jager shot

"Ooookaaaay..." you say in barely-concealable terror as you scoot away from Rainbow Dash, but fortunately you see Berry Punch approaching with the shot glass, and just in time.

"-Excuse me." you interrupt as Berry Punch hooves you the shot glass which you proceed to drop into your stout and chug the concoction down in a second. It still tasted bitter, but the cream makes it more tolerable before you slam the glass onto the bar and declare,

"And that, is how you make and chug a Trottingham Carriage Bomb."

Rainbow Dash and Vinyl give an impressed whistle while Octavia shoots you an upset glare. (4)

"For somepony who doesn't drink you sure can hold your liquor." Berry Punch comments.

You just shrug and smirk under your scarf.

"How bout we really get this party started with a shots battle!" Vinyl exclaims.

"Vinyl-" Octavia tries to object when Rainbow Dash interrupts,

"I'm in! Bring it on!"

"Rainbow, you just had 7-" Fluttershy tries to warn in concern when she's also interrupted.

"What the hay, I'm in." Berry Punch adds.

Sensing this is getting out of hoof you try to calm things down,

"Uh, let's not be too hast-"

"Oooo a contest! I'll join! Pick me! Pick me!" Pinkie joins in excitedly.

"YEAH!"

Seeing how you're clearly outvoted and need to be on good terms with these ponies you say,

"Fine. Loser pays for the winner's drinks in addition to their own."

Eh, with my Changeling physiology it can't be that ba-

MANY SHOTS OF JAGER, TEQUILA, AND VODKA LATER

Cruel Chrysalis, it's even worse than that bad!

Now it's down to you, Berry Punch, and Pinkie Pie as Bulk "Snowflake" Biceps, Rainbow Dash, and Vinyl "DJ PON-3" Scratch have all dropped out (literally) in that order. Applejack and Fluttershy are currently tending to a passed out Rainbow Dash, Bulk's little brother Featherweight is guiding some of the stallions in helping to carrying Bulk home, and Octavia walked Vinyl home.

You can't feel your tongue or throat anymore and are about to just throw in the towel when you notice a bottle that triggers your instincts. Deciding to end this you ask Berry Punch,

"Would you kindly get me that bottle right there?"

"This one?" she says as she hooves over the bottle and you read the label to see that it's Absinthe.

"Perfect, thanks." you say as you proceed to unscrew the bottle and chug/choke down the contents in one long pull before smashing the bottle on the bar much to the shock of everypony in the bar. You would have smirked at seeing Pinkie's mane deflate for a second in shock, but mentally you're too busy going,

GRAHHHHH!!! I THINK MY MOTHERBUCKING TONGUE BURNED CLEAN OFF!!!

Pinkie Pie and Berry Punch look at each other in disbelief before the latter says,

"At this rate I'll probably end up blowing all my profit on this contest so I'm out."

"Yeah, I got chores in the morning so I better stop too." Pinkie adds.

"In that case, ahem... Ritz DeWitt wins! Flawless victory! Bottle-ality!" you announce, "Wait, they're still paying for me even though they left, right?"

"I'll put it on their tabs." Berry Punch replies.

The CMC's older sisters give you a gift box at the party for saving their little sisters.
After the party, go to the CMC clubhouse and have a smoke before going to sleep in the outpost (upper building part of the Clubhouse with the telescope)

"Oh, before ah forget. Me and my friends got something for ya. As thanks for saving Apple Bloom and her friends." Applejack says as she hooves you a present with striped light blue wrapping paper and a red ribbon.

"Oh please, with the breakfast and the party you've already paid me back more than enouuuuuu-"

Your voice trails off as you open the gift to reveal,

"N-no gorram way! Are these actual Multi-Vision Goggles like in Splinter Unit!"

"Actually they were my old night-vision goggles before I had Dr. Time Turner take a look at them and he made all sorts of changes to them."(5)

"I was gonna git ya a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres award-winning Apple Pie liqueur, but Berry Punch told us you ain't much of a drinker." Applejack adds.

"You could have fooled me." Twilight comments.

"Rainbow Dash suggested the goggles seeing how you have bad ponies after you." Fluttershy says as she tends to the passed out Rainbow Dash.

As you put the goggles on, Pinkie starts to elaborate,

"Time Turner said he modified these goggles with highly-concentrated plexiglass and some other stuff to make them shatter-proof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and it has three vision modes; Night vision."

"Oooo night-visiony." you comment as you look around in Night Vision before Pinkie presses a button on the side of your goggles that makes everything into orange and yellow blobs on a blue background.

"Heat vision."

"Hey Pinkie, I think you left the oven on-"

Before you could finish your statement, Pinkie pushes the button again turning everypony into skeletons.

"And X-ray vi-"

"Gah! Zombies! Aquila Talon!" you declare as you deploy the hookblade upon seeing all the skeletons in the room before Twilight uses her magic to take the goggles off your face in bemusement.

"Sorry." you say sheepishly as you retract the hookblade.

“Also, they retract!” she says before she pushes another button which cause the goggle lens to retract into a form that you can easily slide under your hat.

"Nice, but don't all these upgrades seem... excessive?"

"Time Turner has always loved science. Almost as much as he loves that disappearing blue booth." Rarity says, "Now if only I could get him to throw away that garish scarf."

"Plus these goggles are perfect for surprise parties!" Pinkie adds.

"I-I don't know what to say..." you say, moved.

"Think nothing of it."

"Multi-Vision Goggles"
added to your person

"Well the party seems to be winding down and the sun's setting so I'll make my exit." you say as you start towards the door.

"Wait, where are you staying?" Twilight asks.

"At the Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse, outpost floor."

"Shoot, that ain't necessary. You can just stay at my pla-" Applejack offers

"I don't want to trouble you. Besides, the girls offered that I can sleep in the clubhouse and it would be rude not to accept their offer. Thank you for the party." you say and you turn to leave when.

"Wait, before you go here are some goodies for the road." Pinkie says and suddenly you find yourself holding a trio of cupcakes and a carton of chocolate milk.

"Thank you." you say as you put the treats away, tip your hat, and leave.

1 Tall Carton of Chocolate Milk
3 Cupcakes
added to Inventory

"Bring it on you roaches- Zzzzzz..."

"Hey Twilight, do you still have that spell that can cure hangovers?"

As you leave Sugarcube Corner your mind starts to wander. Before you were just a loyal drone serving the Hive. To you, ponies were nothing but a source of sustenance and entertainment at best, but now that you've experienced pony friendship and kindness first-hoof, you can feel your worldview changing.

I was just a total stranger and yet they treat me warmly and give me a party and gifts. If this is what ponies are like to strangers, then maybe- NO! They were only rewarding me for saving their young. You're. A. Changeling! You're the enemy! If your cover was blown, they wouldn't think twice about throwing you into a dark cell. Or would they...

Confused by this conflict, you give out an exasperated cry,

"Gah! This is all so confusing! Maybe things will make more sense after dinner and a smoke." you say to yourself as you take out and start ronching on a sugarcube as you continue onwards.

When you arrive at the clubhouse and proceed to head straight up to the outpost. After using the telescope to carefully check for any ponies nearby before quadruple-checking with all 3 vision modes of your new goggles, you thankfully see that the coast is clear and proceed to remove your suit, hat, and scarf before you start eating the cupcakes and chocolate milk. Unfortunately the alcohol has greatly dulled your sense of taste so you can barely taste the pastries even as you wash it down with the carton of chocolate milk.

Retrieving the Gold Lighter and Gold Cigarette Case from your dress-shirt breast pocket, a thought comes to you. Seeing how you're overlooking Ponyville from a high point while wearing a loose dress-shirt and tie and about to light up puts you in a bit of a Private Eye Mood. Adjusting Narration style accordingly.

With your meal more finished than a zombie with a lit stick of dynamite jammed into it's skull, you proceed to dessert. You flick open the gleaming chest that is the Gold Cigarette Case and invite one of the smokin vixens over for an intimate dance. Slim figure, snow white skin, cherry-vanilla lips, just as you remembered her. Pulling her into a kiss, you take out the Gold Lighter and breathe the flame of life into her as you take a deep breath-

"*cough cough COUGH* My lungs! *hack*"

Only for the moment to be ruined like a celebrity's career after an offhoof species-ist remark as you feel a fog pounding your lungs from the inside like it was pizza dough. Even with your throat and tongue fresh from a tag-team beatdown by the Ethanol super-team of Jager, Tequila, Vodka, and Absinthe, they do nothing to ease the inferno in your lungs.

"I don't remember smoking being like this! Cruel Chrysalis, maybe those ponies are right about smoking!"

...

"But just to be sure..."

Risking another kiss with the exotic smokey mistress Shi Bàng, you brace yourself for the smoky firestorm to come only for it to stand you up like a fratcolt. Your changeling physiology kicking in like a Big Darn Heroes moment, you instead feel the faint taste of cherry-vanilla through your alcohol-beaten tounge. As the nicotine takes hold like a seductive demon's caress, you feel your anxieties lowering like a tide and your mood improves. As you continue to puff away like a steamboat, you begin to reflect on the day's events.

That morning you were face-to-faces with the 6 Mares who could tear through a platoon of your changeling brothers like a slasher's machete through a promiscuous teen's spine, and that evening you were attending a party being thrown for you, a complete stranger. Given how Fortuna's normally giving you the cold shoulder at best and a knee of misery to the nards other times for most of your life, perhaps she's throwing some pity change in your direction for once.

Finishing your nicotine-aided meditation, you throw the death stick out the window like it was a mook in an action flick and you cover yourself with the Used Blanket like a... well, a blanket before tuning out for the night. Perhaps Fortuna's pity streak will continue on.

19 "Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes"
0 Cupcakes
0 Tall Cartons of Chocolate Milk
remaining

THE NEXT MORNINGNarration Style Returning to Default

The next morning you wake up and actually have a headache, meaning you over did your drinking to the point of actual intoxication. You facehoove at this

You feel the gentle warmth of the sun the next morning... immediately followed by the very un-gentle feeling of your head pounding.

"Blargh..." you moan as you get up clutching your pounding head, Guess even changelings can still get hangovers if they drink enough...

"What was I thinking? *smack*" you lament before facehoofing... and promptly making your headache alot worse.

"OOWWWW!!!"

With that in mind, you proceed to activate Aquila Talon and use the hookblade to open up a Can of Apple Slices for your breakfast and use the syrup to wash down a hoofful of painkillers (a third of the Bottle) as you don't want to use up love/food energy for healing unless necessary. This seems to do the trick as your headache disappears a few minutes later.

6 "Cans of Apple Slices"
2 & 2/3 "Bottles of Painkillers"
remaining

As you put your suit, scarf, and hat back on, you decide to head into town to see how everypony else has fared after the party. After getting lost and asking for directions you approach the tree library and say to yourself,

"A library that doubles as a tree? What's next? A crystal castle in the middle of-urk!"

You promptly freeze in your tracks as you see Twilight Sparkle, talking with 7 battered Royal Guards. The ponies whose flanks who kicked back at the castle!

"So you're saying there's an entire changeling platoon in the abandoned castle?" you hear Twilight ask in concern.

"Y-yeah!" Lieutenant Gorman answers, "We fought as bravely as we could, but those roaches overwhelmed us with pure numbers! We were lucky to escape with our lives!"

Resisting the urge to yell 'Liar, liar, fancy pants on fire', you realize this is BAD. Those Royal Guards were in the castle roughly before you rescued those fillies from the Chimera. and seeing how you also used your hookblade bracer and Bowler Hat on them and told Twilight that story about you being an ex-member of an 'organization', it won't take long for somepony like Twilight to put nine-times-seven together when she thinks long enough about all that information to blow your cover sky high! Taking all this into account, you mange to think of a classic well-thought-out plan,

RUN BITCH, RUUUN!!!

With that you proceed to start running for your life towards the Ponyville exit, not noticing Mayor Mare running over to Twilight and telling her about a mysterious hooded figure causing a magical disturbance...

OUTSKIRTS OF PONYVILLE

After getting lost and running into a few walls in panic, you eventually make it near the outskirts of Ponyville. As you run, you suddenly hear a scream and see Twilight Sparkle flying past you overhead.

At first you think she has gained the ability to fly, but you immediately dismiss that as preposterous. Unicorns can't fly-

*SMACK* "Ow."*flop*

Not looking where your going due to Twilight's flight, you run head-on into something hard and get knocked to the ground by your own momentum. After shaking your head clear, you open your eyes and see that Ponyville has been trapped inside a giant glass dome! Looking to your left, you see the Elements of Harmony and... a small purple dragon? On one side of the dome while Twilight is stuck on the outside.

Seeing how you're now trapped in a town with a squad of Royal Guard with every reason for squishy payback AND a mysterious force that can even best Celestia's protege, you can only think of one thing to say,

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEE!!!"

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) As a changeling operative, you have been to other parties, but your memories are still rebooting. You just woke up from a month-long nap a couple days ago after all. Naturally the only party the Hive had was the Queen's birthday.

(2) Wrong element as the real Element of Generosity was making a spa appointment with Lotus Blossom and Aloe at the moment.

(3) Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie once tricked Fluttershy into drinking a Short Island Iced Tea. The exact details are fuzzy, but 2 days later, the local zoo animals had been set free, some Griffin hunters woke up in a hospital with broken arms, legs, and wings, a few photos were still out there in spite of Celestia, Luna, and Shining Armor's efforts, and Fluttershy was nursing a massive hangover.

(4) The "Trottingham Carriage Bomb" was named so by some fratcolts who thought they were being clever because it was a Bomb Shot with 2/3 of the ingredients being from Trottingham (Scotch and Stout) and Trottingham had an incident centuries ago where a mad bomber set off carriages full of explosives around the city. Much like how you should never order an "Irish Car Bomb" in Ireland, you shouldn't order a "Trottingham Carriage Bomb" in Trottingham or around ponies from there.

(5) Unlike Doctor Horse who is an actual medical Doctor, Time Turner aka Doctor Hooves/Doctor Whooves has multiple Ph.D degrees in various fields of Science.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 19 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision", "Thermal/Heat Vision", and "X-Ray" modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Vino Collection 982 Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2&2/3 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-5 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-7 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-60 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

That's right commenters. Even though he doesn't know it, Ritz has just found himself in the "Magic Duel" (Season 3, Episode 5) episode. Yes, officially this timeline is after "Keep Calm and Flutter On", but for the sake of story-telling here we are. Will you be trapped by canon, or will you use common sense and your new skills and equipment to set things right?

YOU DECIDE!!!

However, there are some ground rules;

No killing or crippling. Even though this fic is rated "T", let's at least try to more-or-less stay with the spirit of the canon show if possible.

Even though this is after "Keep Calm and Flutter On", Discord is unavailable, Princess Celestia is in Saddle Arabia, and with Spike inside the dome with the rest of the entrapped Ponyville, don't expect any outside help anytime soon.

if you're wondering where those 7 Royal Guards are now, just remember;

3a. Trixie has an evil artifact giving her alicorn-level powers

3b. The Equestrian Royal Guard aren't exactly SEAL Team 6.
You can do the math. Feel free to show the aftermath of the 'fight'.
4. Don't expose Ritz as a changeling.

Other than that have fun.

And the answer to the question "Who is the coolest smoker in fiction?

The Coolest Smoker is the Sheriff of Fable Town Himself, Bigby Wolf. (From the Comic Fables, and the Tell Tale Game, The Wolf Among Us)
The Big Bad Wolf constantly has a Huff and Puff in his mouth since he's a Quasi-Immortal being who has to keep other Fables in line. And there's a reason all the others fear him. He's a Bad Ass MoFo. Being a wolf, his nose is much stronger than normal, even in human form, so he's constantly puffing on his Cigs to mask all the scents of our world more bearable. But he looks cool as hell doing so.

it was a tough call between him and Big Boss (Metal Gear Solid series) but ultimately I'm giving the edge to Bigby Wolf for having a practical reason for smoking. Congratulations BrownDog77.

Today's question is,

What city should Ritz go to next?

Seeing how it's a comment-driven story, it's unlikely that Ritz will stay in Ponyville forever so where else should he go?

The restriction on this question is that you can only select from canonical places in Equestria like on this map (Link here if image doesn't work);

Have fun choosing!

Chapter 10: A Great and Powerful New Queen?

Ritz can sense something strange about the strange dome around Ponyville. First of all, it was not like the shield when they attacked Canterlot, this was a little more powerfull but also seemed strange. He was trained for many situation but trapped under a strange giant magical dome was not one of them.

As you look at the large dome you see a small crack you think you could use to break through

"OOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEE!!!"

After finishing your cry, you suddenly feel several pairs of eyes on you and you turn to see the Elements (and that purple lizard) all looking at you strangely.

"What? The Snafflesons reference was right there!"

Their looks turn from confusion to bemusement.

"Uh... I was never here." you say as you awkwardly back away before running off.

Once you think you're far enough away, you start to examine the dome more closely. It wasn't like the magical dome back at Canterlot during the wedding as you can obviously tell it looks more like glass than a purplefield, but at the same time you can sense traces of a dark ancient magic that was far stronger than ordinary unicorn magic and glass. While you and the others were trained for breaking into giant shield domes, breaking out of them was a whole nother story. Specifically, still in the same library but in an adjoining shelf right next to the "No Smoking" sign but on the opposite side of the water fountain-

"Huh." you mutter in recognition, interrupting the off-track narration as you notice a tiny crack in the dome. A possibly weak spot?

Use your head.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" *WHAM* "Owwww."

Even with the reinforced Bowler Hat on and a running start, ramming the crack with your head did nothing but hurt you more than it hurt the dome. As you get back up, you open your eyes and-

"Wait, where did the crack go?"

You look closely at where the crack was only to see a small smear.

"D'oh! That wasn't a crack, it was just a smudge!"

After giving an annoyed groan, you sit down and consider your options.

Okay... Trapped behind enemy lines with a mysterious possible new overlord. How the hay do I get outta h-*ding*

"Aquila Talon." you say to activate your bracelet's bracer mode and deploy the hookblade to help you with some small digging. After a few moments, you see that you can clearly stick your hoof to the other side. In elation at this discovery, you're about to just dig your way out of this town when...

Hide, and watch for the time being, until you get a better understanding of the picture (and how to get under that dome).

Your changeling instincts compel you to stay. Somepony who can best Celestia's protege and cover an area the size of a whole town with more strength than the Captain of the Royal Guard is somepony of note. Power like that is worth looking into. Perhaps some recon could come in hoofy.

"Aquila Talon" you say to transform your bracer back into a bracelet. After checking to see that your Multi-Vision Goggles are still there and working, you head into town.

Kichi's comment

Piggy-backing on Kichi's comment, I feel like the secret society members should be the background mane six (Lyra, Bonbon, Vinyl, Octavia, Derpy, and Doctor Whooves) Maybe call themselves the Secret Six (Seven if you join) Have Doctor Whooves complain about this entire event happening out of proper order in the timeline.

As you carefully stay close to the building walls, you observe other ponies running this way and that in a panic as dark clouds gather overhead. Activating the "X-Ray mode" of your goggles, you see that several of ponies are in towards the Town Hall performing tasks while one is clearly giving out orders and even with all these buildings in your way, you can tell that one is clearly radiating power.

"Powerhouse located." you say to yourself as you retract the goggles and push them back up into your hat and are about to sneak in for a closer look when suddenly you feel yourself being grabbed. On reflex, you shove the grabber away to catch him off guard before quickly following it up with a chain punch, hitting the figure with a concentrated series of hoof strikes to knock him down.

"Aquila Talon!" you declare activating your hookblade and are about to bonk him in the eye when he sticks his hooves up and says, (1)

"Woah, woah, Not an foe! Not a foe!"

Now that the rush of the moment has worn off, you see the one who tried to grab you is a pony wearing a black hooded robe.

"Who the hay are you?" you demand.

"I can't say at the moment-"

*snikt*

"Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong answer." you say in a sarcastic/mocking tone as you hold the hookblade to his face, "Care to try again for higher stakes?"

"Wait, wait! Just let me take you to our base!" he pleads.

"And why should I go with you to an obvious trap?" you respond

"Cause there's a madmare in this town and eventually we're gonna draw more attention if you don't hoof it!"

At this, you look around and see several townsponies looking at you two. Realizing the distrubance you're causing, you retract the hookblade and say,

"Lead the way. But I don't have to tell you what happens if it's a trap." you threaten.

The pony gives a worried nod before leading you away. You walked along the streets for some time until you stopped in what seems a abandoned house, the garden full of weeds and the door hanging mainly by miracle.

"This way." the hooded pony beckons as you follow him warily into the house, a Thundercloud Orb at the ready in case of ambush. You both walk down the stairs into a large basement until you stop in what looks like a dining hall. It was the only room of the house without dust and you see several other hooded ponies waiting.

"Yeah, I already did the whole 'cult' thing before. Not a fan." you snark as you cautiously start to back away.

"We are, The Thinky. We are a proactive emergency council that meets whenever a major incident occurs in our fair town and we think of and execute solutions to those incidents-"

"Unless Twilight Sparkle or her friends resolves those problems themselves as usual." One of the hooded figures comments.

"Miss Bon-Bo-I mean Sister Drops! What have we told you about snarking at new members?" the hooded figure snaps.

"Fine, Filthy."

"It's Mister Ri- I mean Brother Bits." the hooded pony says before he turns back to you, "Yes, Ponyville should not become blindly dependent on the Elements for every little problem." he continues before a mare-sounding voice adds,

"Ponyville must be able to protect itself for the Greater Good."

"The Greater Good." they all chant.

"Interesting. So... Why am I here?" you ask.

"You are here because we want you to join us, we think that you can help us with this latest threat that has bested even Miss Sparkle." Brother Bits explains.

"And because I brought too many muffins." a familiar-sounding bubbly voice says.

"And we made too much tea." A trio says as they each hold up a pitcher of iced tea.

An underground group of ponies against the elements? This could be useful...

Weighing your options, you answer.

"Eh, Sure. Do I get I codename and one of those cloaks?"

"Of course." Brother Bits says as he hooves you a folded-up robe, "From now on you shall be Brother..."

Please be White or Blonde. Please be White or Blonde. Please be White or-

"Pink."

"D'oh! I mean, sure but why am I Brother Pink?" you ask as you put the hooded cloak on.

"Well... It was because the pastry you consumed the most at your welcome party were pink-frosted donuts with sprinkles."

"Mmmm donut- I mean, It was short notice wasn't it?" you ask in bemusement.

"Well... yeah."

"O... kay... But can't we just choose our own codenames?"

"We already tried that at the first meeting. We ended up arguing for 3 hours over who got to be Sister Silk." a familiar-sounding classy Trottingham voice answers.

"Now that Brother Pink has been accepted into our fold, it is time to discuss today's threat: The Great and Powerful Trixie." Brother Bits announces as the meeting begins.

A secret society of ponies dedicated to independence from the Elements? This should be interesting.

THREE HOURS LATER

Did I say 'interesting'? I meant boring. Like wanting-to-jam-my-hookblade-into-my-eye boring.

Your hopes quickly collapsed as the meeting soon devolved into hours of squabbling with nothing to show for it. To give a brief summary on each member (based on what you could tell from meeting them at the "Welcome to Ponyville Party" and the countless times they would accidentally say each others real names) and their roles/ideas;

-Brother Bits/Filthy Rich: Owner of Barnyard Bargins and founder of "The Thinky" who proposes bribing Trixie into going away.
-Sister Cello/Octavia: The voice of reason who is more concerned with trying to contain the arguing.
-Sister Wubs/Vinyl: Nursing a large hangover with a Bloody Mary.
-Sister Muffins/Derpy: Brings and eats muffins
-Brother Wibbly-Wobbily/Time Turner: Seems to have some good ideas, but mostly keeps to himself in spite of Sister Muffins asking him to speak up. You swore you heard him say something about 'fixed point in time'.
-Sister Hands/Lyra: Proposes summoning a human warrior to defeat Trixie in spite of other members complaining "That's your answer to every problem."
-Sister Drops/Bon-Bon: Proposes using high-tech gadgets and disguises to escape the dome.
-Flower Sisters/Flower Trio: Frequently faint with cries of "This is awful!" and "The Horror! The Horror!"

This is almost as bad as the Amber Council. (1) No wonder the Elements have to do everything! you think in annoyance as you pour yourself another glass of ice tea and chug it down.

On the positive side, you were able to find out more about this "Great and Powerful Trixie". Apparently, she was a unicorn showmare who came into Ponyville some time ago, putting on a show, boasting how she defeated an Ursa Minor, and publicly humiliated Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity during a challenge. Two fancolts then brought an Ursa into town to provide "proof" of her greatness only for her boasting to be a lie as Twilight successfully subdued the Ursa Minor forcing Trixie to flee. That morning she came back with some strange amulet, defeated Twilight in a magic duel, and exiled Twilight before encasing Ponyville in a giant dome and enslaving its inhabitants.

Now the group has descended into back and forth "My idea is better" and "No, mine is!". You're about to pour yourself another glass when you see that the pitcher is empty. In defeat, you slam your head onto the table and snark the obvious in lazy annoyance,

"Or, you know, we could just dig our way out."

Suddenly the room gets silent as all eyes are now on you.

"Uh, what did you say Mr. DeWitt?" Sister Muffins asks

"I said just dig our way out. That dome only reaches ground level and I was able to dig a hoof under it no problem."

"Of course!"

"Why didn't I think of that."

"All in favor of Brother Pink's plan?"

"Aye!" the hooded ponies all agree.

"Motion passed. On that note; Barnyard Bargins will be selling shovels for 50 bits each."

"You gouger! Shovels are normally 17 bits for two!"

"Emergency or not, I'm still a businesspony. Besides, I'll be paying full price like everypony els-"

"Easy for you to say! You're filthy rich!"

"Codenames, Bon-Bon! For the 365th time; When the hoods are on, we use codenames!"

Soon another round of squabbling occurs and you're about to bail in annoyance when you get an idea...

Remembering an episode of MacAngus, you grab a quarter-full bag of Fertilizer and run to the CMC Clubhouse. You see that the empty family-sized Can of Apple slices is still there from your dinner last night and find some spare string and newspapers lying around. Using these items along with WD-40 and Duct Tape, you create a Makeshift Bomb

"Any of you ladies got any leftover fertilizer?" you ask one of the Flower Sisters.

"Oh sure, just right outside the flower shop." one of them says.

"And where would that be?"

"Right by the town market near the fruits venders." another one answers.

"Okay, Thanks for the muffins and tea, but gotta do something proactive. See ya." you say before taking off your hooded cloak and dashing off, the others not noticing your absence due to their arguing...

AT THE CMC CLUBHOUSE

After getting lost a few times, you manage to find the flower shop, grab the Bag of Fertilizer, and run over to the CMC clubhouse only to find the front door locked.

"Nopony's home!" you hear a trio of young voices yell from inside.

"Girls, it's me. Ritz DeWitt."

"Oh, okay." you hear one of the voices say and approach the door before you hear the sound of tussling and somepony yelling,

"Sweetie Belle, No! It could be a trap!"

"Yeah, say something only Ritz would know." a country-sounding voice demands.

"My real name is Specialist 815." you reply bluntly.

The door suddenly opens and 3 pairs of hooves roughly pull you inside before slamming the door shut.

"What are you doing here Mr. DeWitt?!" they ask.

"Needed some supplies. What are you girls doing here?" you ask the fillies.

"Rarity and Applejack ordered us to stay here until they come to get us." Sweeite Belle answers.

"Good thinking. By the way, have you girls seen an empty family-sized can of apple slices?"

"Yeah, it's upstair-"

Before she could finish, you run upstairs, grab the empty fruit can, and run back down and start rummaging through everything,

"Perfect, now do you have any newspapers and string?"

The three fillies point to a corner.

"Thanks." you say as you rush to the corner, and proceed to use the string, newspaper, empty can of apple slices, bag of fertilizer, WD-40, and duct tape, to create a Makeshift Bomb.

"Woah, what is that?" Scootaloo asks in wonder.

"Makeshift bomb." you reply, "Just light this fuse and a few moments later, BOOM!"

"Where did ya learn to make that?" Apple Bloom asks.

"MacAngus."

"Mac-What?" Sweetie Belle asks.

"MacAngus; An action-adventure serial where an earth pony secret agent fights crime, but instead of swords, magic, and crossbows, he would use science and ordinary tools like paper clips, duct tape, and chewing gum to build crazy contraptions like zip-lines, defibrillators, and even bombs." you nonchalantly answer as you give your new invention the once over.

Apple Bloom's eyes light up with an idea and she says,

"Girls, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Gotta go. Stay here and stay safe!" you say offhoofedly as you put the bomb away and run out the clubhouse before the Cutie Mark Crusaders announce,

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SECRET AGENTS!!! YAY!!!"

"Makeshift Bomb"
Added to Saddlebags

BrownDog77 comment

Flirt with Trixie.

When you arrive at the Ponyville town hall, you see a blue unicorn with a silver mane barking orders... and she's kind of hot. You see the Royal Guards from before clearly battered and obeying out of fear and you don't even know how the Pink one is even still alive without her snout, but seeing as how she is warping reality as you know it and has single-hoofedly defeated all of the elements, there is only one thing your changeling instincts tell you to do.

Defect! Defect to the winning side before you die!

"Mistress! I am your humble servant. I will do your bidding! What do you ask of me my goddess." you blurt out as you bow before her.

A part of you really can't help it. It's Changeling instinct after all to serve the most powerful Queen available and right now, it's that mare. Before you can take it back however, everypony chides you.

"Ritz! What the buck man?!" shouts Rainbow Dash.

"You horrendous traitor!" chides Rarity.

"Why you little..." Applejack grinds her teeth.

"How could you do this?" pouts Fluttershy.

"Mmmm mmm mm m!" Pinkie tries to say with no mouth.

D'oh! Stupid drone instincts! you mentally chide yourself, Can't take it back now. I just recognized her as a new Queen and defying the Queen means death.

Trixie looks taken aback by this at first before smirking seeing all the reactions from the Elements.

"See now Ponyville, take cues from this well-dressed stallion. Resistance is futile. It's best to worship the Great and Powerful Trixie without delay!" she says with glowing red eyes before offering you a hoof up.

"What is your name, slave?"

Now that I've made my bed, I might as well lie in it. you think before saying.

"Ritz DeWitt ma'am, and might I just say, that you are the most beautiful and powerful usurper I've ever met." you flirt, hoping to get in her good books.

"Oh ho ho," she chuckles with a blush, "Flattery will get you everywhere. In fact, the Great and Powerful Trixie hereby bestows upon you the honor of serving as my new captain," she says as she knights you with her horn before turning to the beaten Royal Guards, "You 7! Follow his every command! You all work for me through him now!"

"Yes ma'am!" the beaten guards salute out of fear while giving you harsh glares.

"Now Captain DeWitt," she says turning to you, "I will be refurbishing City Hall to better suit my needs, so I want you to oversee these worthless maggots as they build a statue in my image and then report back to me, got it?" she commands.

"Yes my Queen," you salute before you start barking orders to all the ponies.

"My my my, I can't believe my immediate luck... then again was there any doubt?" Trixie says to herself.

The ponies obey your commands but everyone gives you the stink eye as they start building the statue.

What? I'm your enemy stupid ponies. And so is this Trixie. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Plus I'm a gorram officer now, woohoo!

"Mmmmmm mmm mmm mm..." mumbles a teary eyed Pinkie as the Elements eye you again causing you to feel guilty.

But then again, these ponies were kind to me. Plus pony history has shown that non-alicorn rulers don't last very long. Perhaps I should stack the decks in my favor...

With that, you smirk beneath your scarf and give them a wink to which they look puzzled at.

Reassign Derpy to "Muffin Inspector" and the Cakes to "foal-raising". Reassignments that they are very grateful for.

You suddenly hear crashing and turn your head to see Derpy struggling with a flagpole that she dropped onto a table,

"How dare you drop the Great and Powerful Trixie's glorious banners!" Trixie yells at Derpy, eyes glowing.

You and everypony else start to get worried at this and you see Time Turner pulling out a weird pen-like device with defiant intent in his eyes towards Trixie (which would have been suicidal treason) when you overhear the Lieutenant say,

"Corporal, is it just me or do those blue eyes and hat look familiar?"

Oh buck... The Queen is about to violently lash out at Derpy, Time Turner is going to get himself killed, AND my cover's gonna get blown! What do I do?! WhatdoId- *ding*

Seeing a chance to catch two fish on one hook, you say to the Lieutenant loudly enough for Trixie to hear,

"What was that you said about Trixie having wrinkled flanks Lieutenant!"

"WHAT?!" Trixie roars, whirling around and redirecting her enraged glowing red eyes towards the Lieutenant, causing the other Royal Guards to cautiously and slowly back away from him.

"Mommy..."

As Trixie painfully morphes the Lieutenant into a ball and starts bouncing him around while berating him, you quickly run over to Derpy and Time Turner and say,

"You're no longer fit for the tasks at hoof. I'm reassigning you", you say pointing to Derpy, "To... Official Muffin Inspector."

This causes Derpy and Time Turner to look at you in disbelief,

"What?"

"Yeah.. It's now your job to make sure every muffin in town is... Good enough for Trixie in look, smell, and taste." you bluff, but fortunately it works as Derpy's eyes light up and she flies off.

"And you..." you say pointing to Time Turner, "Are now... Official... Wibbly-Wobb-illl-er?"

"Fantastic." he says with a grateful nod before also running off.

You then see the local bakers (the Cakes, you recall), struggling to pull a heavy-looking dessert throne while a pair of babies are crying on it.

"You two!" you declare causing them to stand at attention, "You're no longer useful to this endeavor. I'm reassigning you to foal-raising." you order.

"Yes sir." the two say gratefully before taking their twin foals and darting home.

"You two! Pick up where they left off!" you order, pointing at two of the Royal Guard who immediately salute and follow your orders.

Seeing Trixie's wrath still focused on the Lieutenant, you quickly rush over to Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy and whisper,

"Look, I'll try to keep Trixie off your backs as much as I can. Trust me, back at the organization I've had to deal with crazed superiors before."

The mares look at you in confusion and are about to say something, when you hear Trixie say, "That'll teach you to insult the Great and Powerful Trixie's sex appeal!"

"Queen's back, talk later." before barking, "You five, get back to work!"

You then turn and stand at attention as Trixie approaches you before demanding,

"Where is that wall-eyed banner-ruining pegasus?"

"I took the liberty of... banishing her to another repetitive task." you half-truth while trying to keep your cool.

"Oooo, proactive I see. Very well. Carry on Captain. Trixie has an applesauce facial to get to."

As Captain, you proceed to go about making sure no one is given an unfair job. Even those forced to make the statues, you maid sure they were builders and sculptors and are given breaks and water regularly. Eventually, the townsponies stop giving you hateful glares and the town continues on as if it was a normal day almost without incident (2) under you.

LATER THAT NIGHT

BrownDog77 comment

Trixie calls you into her chambers. She wants your opinions on how best to punish two colts named Snips and Snails for their betrayal over what she calls, "The Ursa Incident." You're both currently looking over some notes she hastily wrote.

"Trixie was thinking about forcing them to be my throne carriers." she muses as she lies on a large luxurious four-poster bed with fine silk blankets.

"How about writing paperwork instead? Kids hate homework and we might as well get them prepared for adulthood while we're at it." you suggest.

"Excellent idea. You know Captain DeWitt, Trixie doesn't think she's quite met such an understanding stallion such as yourself," she says as she rubs her side against yours and sighs.

Blushing, you quickly decide to change the subject.

"I uh, why don't we celebrate?" you say pulling out the bottle of Wine from the saddlebags, "I have this bottle of 982 Vino Canterlot. And it's all for you my queen," you say as you bow and hoof her the bottle.

"My word, that's the fanciest thing the Great and Powerful Trixie has ever laid her eyes upon," she says in excitement as she looks to you.

"Will you be having some?" she asks.

"Uh... I'm not worthy, my Queen." you say, continuing your bow.

"Oh, but perhaps you are with your humility, but I shall have the first taste. Arise and bring Trixie a cup."

You quickly get up and run to the nearby table only to find a common cup. Gulping nervously, you bring the cup to her and bow again as you offer the cup in your hooves,

"A thousand pardons my Queen, but I could only find-"

Your apology is interrupted as Trixie instantly transforms the plain cup into a fancy golden chalice as she uncorks the bottle and pours herself a generous serving before smelling the aroma. (3)

"Oh ho ho, that is by far the best thing ever!" she cheers before downing the entire chalice in one un-ladylike chug.

"I don't doubt it," you smirk as you notice her cheeks getting rosy as the alcohol quickly takes effect. In vino veritas.

"You know, I never wanted to rule. Ever since I was just a plain ordinary schoolfilly, Trixie just wanted to stand out and be admired. I was an entertainer for Celestia's sake!"

"Uh-huh." you say as you pour her another generous serving.

"So what if I had to exaggerate a little here and there! That's what show business is all about!" she rants, "But that Sparkle just had to show me up and run me out of town! Trixie did nothing wrong, and she still suffered for it! I even had to work at a rock farm just to put food on the table! A BUCKING ROCK FARM!!!" before angrily downing the chalice.

"Uh-huh, so how do you have so much power now?" you ask pouring her more wine.

"Oh, it's this alicorn amulet," she woozily says to you, "I heard rumors of its power and eventually found it in a trinket shop run by some Neighponophile. Sure, Trixie had to give up her carefully saved savings for it, but it was worth it as this ancient artifact has finally given me the power I so rightly deserved to take my vengeance on Sparkle and her accursed town!"

She then takes another swig as you ask, "So... Any weaknesses on it?"

"Only if I take it off, and only I can buhahahaha," she starts giggling, "But why would Trixie do that?"

Well that's helpful you note in your mind.

"Say Captain... Trixie's flanks don't look wrinkly do they?" Trixie says self-consciously as she reclines on her side towards you.

"Of course not my Queen. They look fine and shapely."

Trixie blushes and giggles at this.

"It's been a long day hasn't it Captain DeWitt?" Trixie says invitingly with half-lidded eyes.

"Yes, my queen."

"And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, my queen. Unless somepony were to defeat you in a magic duel in which case I would blindly go away."

"OK..." Trixie says in confusion, "How would you like to have a wild ride with The Great and Powerful Trixie?"

"What do you mean?"

"Call me Mrs. Flintstone cause I can make your bed rock."

"With all due respect, I think you spent too much time on that rock farm." you snark.

"No no. What do you say you fill my pointy hat?"

"Don't follow."

"Let me mount myself on your mighty wand."

"I thought you were the showmare?"

"How's about I give your horn a polish for a while?" Trixie says, getting a bit annoyed.

"Totally lost."

"Plow my Great and Powerful plot like a cornfield." Trixie says wiggling her hips for emphasis.

"Wouldn't a gardener be more useful for that? I think the flower trio are stil-" you reply before Trixie interrupts.

"Sweet Celestia! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you."

"Oh... Still don't get it."

"...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way."

Suddenly Trixie leans forward from her bed and wraps her arms above/around your shoulders.

"Guess Trixie will have to take the direct approach..." she says, slurring her words with alcohol on her breath.

Now with your changeling instincts clearly sensing the lust she's radiating towards you, you may have been playing dumb outwardly, but inwards,

Did someling wash this suit in bucking pheromones?! you think nervously, Okay bug; Pros; She's hot, powerful, and offering herself to me. Cons; She's drunk on alcohol AND power, and SHE'S BUCKING CRAZY!

"I... Uh..." you gulp, before Trixie suddenly passes out drunk, loses her grip on you, and falls to the floor, but you quickly catch and support her and the wine bottle in one motion.

“982 Vino. It’d be a sin to spill any. Don’t you think?” you laugh nervously in a Trottingham accent to the unconscious Trixie in your arms before breathing a sigh of relief as you re-cork the wine bottle and set it aside with magic.

“Now with that obligatory reference out of the way, let's get you to bed drunkie.” you say to yourself as you move Trixie back into her bed and tuck her in.

"Ratzy..." she mumbles in her sleep.

"She's definitely going to regret this in the morning," you comment as you run out the entrance of the front hall and announce,

"ALL CLEAR! EVERYPONY GET SOME REST!!!"

At this, the remaining townsponies all breathe sighs of relief as they all scatter home while Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and that Purple lizard all run over to you.

“Where’s Trixie?” Applejack asks.

“Passed out drunk. Didn’t even finish the bottle.”

"Heh, lightweig-Wait, she's passed out drunk? Well why don't we just wail on her and grab that evil necklace?" Rainbow Dash suggests.

"Blasphemer!" you yell as you reflexively smack her across the face, "How dare you even think that about the Queen!"

The others look at you in shock and Rainbow looks like she's about ready to kill you.

"Sorry, sorry! Force of habit! Look, even if I just let you in, that Alicorn Amulet she has on can ONLY be taken off by her. Inevitably she’ll just wake up during your half-baked scheme and paint the town in 6 coats of your blood."

"But she's drunk asleep! Surely there's something we could do-" Rarity insists.

"Well you could slit her throat in her sleep, but last I checked, that doesn't exactly sound very pony-like." you snark, “And that’s even if I would just let you guys through to perform such an act.”

The mares give each other conflicted/horrified looks at such a thought.

"Fine." Rainbow Dash reluctantly concedes.

"Although if it makes you feel any better, let’s just say the morning isn't going to be so kind to the Great and Hungover Trixie." you smirk.

The Mares (except Fluttershy) smile deviously at what you're implying before Applejack leads,

"Alright everypony, let's get to-"

"I don't want to hear it." you bluntly respond.

"What?" the mares all exclaim in disbelief.

"Look, you girls (and lizard) do whatever you want, but Trixie still appointed me her Captain. Amulet or not, it's my duty to serve and protect the que-er Boss. It's an organization thing so I'd appreciate it if you just keep me out of the loop so I can have some plausible deniability while you all dig your way out of-.”

"Wait, tow things;" the purple lizard interrupts, "One; My name is Spike. Two; Did you say dig?"

"Yeah, the dome is clearly only at ground level so clearly you can just dig under it- And none of you even considered that option, have you?"

The mares all look at each other sheepishly, causing you to just give them a deadpan look as you say,

"Am I seriously the ONLY one in this gorram town that even considered that idea?"

"Well I did have a design for a dangerous mission outfit that I think Fluttershy would look-" *smack*

You interrupt Rarity's excuses with a facehoof and mutter in annoyance,

"Look, I'll keep an eye on and out for Trixie. You go do whatever it is you're going to do."

They nod at this in understanding and Fluttershy says,

"Thank you for helping us Ritz."

"If you want to thank me, get me some cinnamon donuts, guacamole, oil, garlic, tomato paste, tomato sauce, mushrooms, sugar, butter, hay, eggs, salt, pepper, gin, club soda, chicken broth, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, lemon juice, some dried garlic, and three large Filly Cheeseshrooms with a large plate of fried pickles with ranch dip and some bottles of vanilla cola. Oh, and a dozen pink-frosted donuts with rainbow sprinkles. Now shoo."

The others share confused glances at this list before they nod affirmatively at this and disperse-

*pow* "EEEEE!!!"

But not before Rainbow kicks you in the nards.

"Now we're even." she spits.

"But I apologized!" you squeak weakly as she flies off. After recovering from the pain, you put on the Mult-Vision Goggles, climb onto the ceiling, and begin your guarding of the "Queen", alternating between “Night Vision” and “X-Ray Vision”. The only interruption being the mares returning to give you the items you asked for and you proceeded to have a brief dinner break of hoagies, fried pickles & dip, and caffeined colas before continuing your vigil...

THE NEXT MORNING

Trixie wakes up the next morning with a massive hangover so you present her with an array of disgusting hangover cures. Cue the Elements using this as an opportunity for some payback by aggravating her pounding head even more by leading Ponyville in a town-wide "GOOD MORNING GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!!!"
Naturally, all these actions are meant to ensure you come out on top regardless of whether Trixie succeeds or fails. Stacking the deck in your favor so to speak.

When the first streaks of sunlight shine into the room, Trixie drowsily awakens with a pounding skull and a pained moan,

"Captain DeWitt, the Great and Powerful Trixie-"

"Has a great and powerful hangover?" you quip as you retract your goggles and drop down from the ceiling after your all-night vigil.

Trixie glares at you through bleary bloodshot eyes,

"The Great and Powerful Trixie demands relie- Ooooow" before clutching her pounding head in pain.

"Way ahead of you." you say as you put a tray in front of her. Trixie opens her eyes only for them to widen upon seeing the meal and asking,

"What are those?"

"I call it 'Hangover-Be-Gone" breakfast." you say as you take out, open, and down a small Bottle of Orange-Cream Energy Shot to wake you from your all night vigil.

"Woah! That'll wake you up." you exclaim as the chemicals kick out any sleepiness and drowsiness, "Anyway, first you got the 'Guacomonut.' One of the best cures in the world for a hangover. See, The dough fills you up, the cinnamon gives you a righteous kick-start, and the guacamole acts as a kind of a grout to prevent the expulsion of any, uh, you know, ancillary fluids. Then for the main course you have some 'hair of the dog' tomato sauce with Hay browns." you then don a Manehattan accent as you continue, "You see, you start out with a little bit of oil. Then you fry some garlic. Then you throw in some tomatoes, tomato paste, you fry it; ya make sure it doesn't stick. You get it to a boil; you shove in all your mushrooms; heh?... And the last o' the wine. An' a little bit o' sugar, and that's my trick. Capisce? That's a Prairie Oyster. a raw egg with Worcestershire and Tabasco sauces along with salt, pepper, and a dash of Gin. Might want to hold your noise while drinking it. That's Wake Up Juice, basically a Bloody Mary on steroids. Finally, painkillers. Nothing too fancy, Just over-the-counter painkillers."

4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots
2 Bottles of Painkillers
reamining

Trixie looks at the "meal" uneasily through bleary eyes before she gulps nervously and is about to dig in-

"GOOD MORNING GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!!!"

Trixie clutches her aggravated pounding head, groaning loudly in pain as you say,

"I'll handle this my Queen!" before running outside and seeing the townsponies all outside with the Elements in the lead.

"Did the Great and Hungover Trixie like this morning surprise we put together?" Rainbow Dash grins maliciously.

"I'm sure she loved it." you snark before noticing Twilight Sparkle back in town... and next to a Zebra?

"Who's the zebra?"

"This is Zecora, a friend of mine from the Everfree forest." Twilight answers.

"I am a friend of Miss Sparkle indeed,
Of whom, should I take heed?" Zecora asks.

"Ritz DeWitt, Captain Ritz DeWitt." you introduce yourself with a tip of your bowler. You're about to say more when,

["AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Trixie suddenly runs screaming out of Town Hall clutching her throat. She darts her head around in desperation before making a beeline for a water trough and dunking herself headfirst into it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcgIItG_cqA&feature=youtu.be&t=1m14s)

"Must be the Wake-Up Juice." you comment.

"Wake-Up Juice? You mean that disgusting concoction in Return to the Future III?" Twilight asks.

"Yup. Made her a whole bunch of hangover cures."

"I can't believe you got her to eat all that by claiming they were hangover cures!" Rainbow Dash snickers.

"They are." you respond.

"What?!" The ponies say to you.

"Yeah, got them from The Good Gals, Cowpony Bebop, Return to the Future, and The Godmothe- Wait, how are you sober now?" you ask Rainbow Dash, "Last I saw you, you were passed out from that drinking contest."

"Eh, Before I just had to tough em out, but now Twilight just zaps me with an anti-hangover spell and I'm good to go." Rainbow Dash answers.

"Wait, let me get this straight;" Twilight clarifies, "There's a vengeful showmare under the corrupting influence of an ancient evil artifact who banished me and enslaved our town, and you just cured her of a hangover that could've given us an edge?"

This emphasis causes the ponies to glare as you before you counter,

"Well of course that makes me sound like a complete idiot when you put it that way, but trust me. She'll be in a MUCH better mood once she sobers u-"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has a proclamation to make!" Trixie says, rising from the water trough, completely sober, "From now on, ALL alcohol is banned in the Great and Powerful Trixie's domain!"

"Oh... my bad-" *smack smack* on cue, Rainbow Dash and Berry Punch slap the back of your head.

"You!" Trixie says, noticing Twilight, "How did you get past my forcefield undetected!"

"Simple. Zecora and I dug underneath it. Your force field only extends to ground level as if it were a giant glass dome."

"But- I- Uh-" she stutters as you roll your eyes and take out the box of donuts to start breakfast. Trixie regains her composure and continues, "What's the matter, Twilight Sparkle? Not enjoying your exile?"

"I know about the Alicorn Amulet. I know you cheated." Twilight accuses.

"Cheated? Moi?" snarks with exaggerated false innocence.

"Yeah. And I thought you might wanna see what a real magical amulet looks like." Twilight says before she magically levitates a gold collar holding an engraved green rock in it, "Zecora gave it to me. It's from beyond the Everfree Forest, and it's way more powerful than your measly little Alicorn Amulet!" she brags before putting it on.

"Ha! Nothing's more powerful than the Alicorn Amulet! And nopony's more powerful than the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie boasts with her eyes glowing red as you munch on another donut.

"Care to put your amulet where your mouth is? How about another duel?" Twilight challenges, causing you to think,

A rematch? Cool. Trixie wins; I'm the right-hoof bug to a new queen. Twilight wins; I'm a double-agent who helped in bringing a madmare down. Classic Xanatos Gambit. *munch*

"Why should I? I already beat you." Trixie dismisses

"That's up to you! But I guess you'll never see the totally awesome magic from beyond the Everfree Forest. Come on, Zecora."

With that, Twilight and Zecora turn around and start walking away when,

"Wait!" Trixie declares causing them to stop.

"Okay, okay, you're on!" Trixie agrees, "Captain! Get the town hall ready!"

"Yes my Queen!" You hastily salute (accidentally dropping the donut you were in the process of taking out of the box), "Guards, on me!" you order as you run off to prepare for the upcoming rematch.

LATER

We now find all of Ponyville crowded around the front of Town Hall. Twilight Sparkle stands at one end with her friends behind her while Trixie Lulamoon stands at the other with Snips and Snails fearfully behind her, the two mares staring each other down. The atmosphere is tense as nopony dares to even draw a breath. With all this tension in the air, only one thing dares to encroach onto your mind,

I should've asked for some chocolate milk to go with these donuts. *munch*

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Queen Chrysalis once thought it would be a brilliant idea to create a council of 5 Commandantss to lighten her workload. Unfortunately, instead of a pentagon of efficiency, the 5 devolved into a bunch of bug-larvae in a horn-measuring contest to see who could do the least actual work while kissing Chrysalis's flank the most. This culminated in the clusterbuck known as the "Battle" of Karánsabers where 5 uncoordinated and under-supplied changeling armies (the same army split between the 5 commandants) all attacked each other due to an incompetence-induced breakdown of communications. Queen Chrysalis was so enraged at this that she personally embalmed the council alive in boiling amber. These five became known as "The Amber Council" and their embarrassingly-posed bodies are still on display in the Hive.

(2) Outside of the dome, dark clouds, powerdrunk mare, and the time you saw a spoiled pale pink mare with magenta mane and a diamond ring Cutie Mark relaxing lazily as her servants do all the work. You order her to pull her weight like everypony else, but she just gets up in your face and starts talking down at you, boasting that she's the head of the school board and threatening that her rich husband will have you "thrown in jail for the rest of your lowlife." Eventually you get tired of her attitude and sarcastically tell her that she could complain directly to Trixie if she has any issues with your orders and she does so...
Only to promptly and violently get thrown out the window by an enraged Trixie. The spoiled mare promptly starts doing as she's told.

(3) While that type of wine can KO a normal pony with a sniff, the alicorn amulet gives Trixie a higher alcohol tolerance. But not high enough.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 19 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision", "Thermal/Heat Vision", and "X-Ray" modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-7 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Makeshift Bomb (fused explosive that you MacAngused out of a family-sized can of fruit and other materials)
-60 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Climax of episode. Don't expose Ritz. You know what to do.

The answer to the question; What city should Ritz go to next?

And for where he should go next. Obviously Cloudsdale. We have a changeling named Mr. Dewitt. We need to get him on a floating city ASAP!

Congratulations BrownDog77, this is indeed a fantastic answer...

But not yet.

Don't get me wrong, an arc with Bioshock Infinite-style shenanigans would be awesome and it's definitely eventually going to happen, but an arc like that should be built up a little more first. Plus it's still October (as of the time of this chapter being posted) so perhaps Ritz should get involved in something Halloween/Nightmare Night related first...

Anyway, today's question is;

Who do you hear as Ritz DeWitt's/815's voice?

I'm pretty sure we've had enough episodes to get more-or-less a good grip on his character, so I'm genuinely curious to know who you hear (character, actor, or voice actor) as Ritz's voice as you read this fic.

Have fun!

Chapter 11: Goodbye Ponyville, Hello... Wait, Where Am I Going?

Welp, time to bring out the popcorn, mabey get in some snide remarks every now and then, really im not sure how you can avoid copy pasteing next chapter from the episode entirely.

I agree I cannot really see him doing anything during the rematch except commentating on how everything is going, likely to the members of the Thinky, who also start putting in their two bits, all of this quiet enough so other ponies dont hear, but loud enough for the members to all hear.

Down with Chrysalis comment

The atmosphere is tense in Ponyville as Twilight and Trixie face each other down. Mostly because Trixie stuck a bunch of dark stormy clouds in an enclosed dome. In contrast, you're as cool as cucumber ice cream in an icebox dipped in liquid nitrogen and launched to one of the frozen moons of Neptune, nonchalantly eating your pink-frosted, rainbow-sprinkled breakfast donut as you think,

Trixie wins; I'm the right-hoof bug to a new Queen. Twilight wins; I'm the double-agent who helped bring Trixie down. Either way, I'm good.

"Captain, make sure NOPONY interferes." Trixie orders, not taking her eyes off of Twilight.

"Yes my Queen." you salute *splat*, "D'oh!"

...And accidentally splatter your Bowler Hat with the donut you were eating.

"Oh, and organize a cheer for me." Trixie adds.

"Understood my Queen." you salute before turning to the guards, "Guards, cheer."

The guards start quarter-heartedly cheering for Trixie.

"Go Trixie..."

"Yay..."

"Trixie, Trixie, She's our mare. If she can't do it, GREAT!!!"

...Except for one defiant guard who causes Trixie to radiate with anger,

"Captain..." Trixie growls murderously.

"I'm on it." you say before you trot over to the offending guard and whisper,

"Nice reference. Now play along."

The Guard gives you a confused look before you pinch his shoulder with your hoof. Getting the hint, he proceeds to grab his chest and start yelling,

"Oh, my heart! Gak, gasp, cough, uuuuuhhhhhhh... Fall." before he flops onto the ground and continues to twitch.

As everypony gasps in shock at this,

"Pouring it on a little thick, don't you think? And the Vulcan Nerve Pinch isn't supposed to be fatal!" you whisper loudly at the "unconscious" guard before telling Trixie, "The heckler has been neutralized my Queen."

"Now then, Let's start with a simple age spell, shall we..."

BrownDog77 comment

As everyling watches the rematch, you can't help but instinctively root for Trixie... and you're the only one. Sensing the animosity the other townsponies are directing at you, you decide to ham it up and play both sides,

"Boo! Booooooo..." you heckle and everypony looks at you. "Boo Twilight, Boo..."

"Quit heckling me! I"m trying to concen-." she tries to say before a donut smack her in the face, sliding over her horn.

"Boo..." you half-heartedly say as Trixie laughs loudly.

*splat*

Before you throw a pair of donus at Trixie as well while she's distracted. As Trixie angrily starts trying to get them out of her face. You shout to Twilight,

"Sucker Punch! Sucker Punch her now!"

Getting the hint, Twilight zaps Trixie a mustache and you and everypony else laughs. Trixie narrows her eyes before zapping the moustache off before zapping Snips and Snails into babies.

"Dear Lord My Queen! That's a bit too far, I mean jeez!" you exclaim.

"Hah, Too Far? I'd say just enough, Sparkle cannot even do..."

Suddenly Twilight zaps Applejack and Rarity into foals. Everypony cheers for this, but (since nopony else is doing it) decide to scream in horror.

"WHY? Cruel Chrysalis, Why would you do that to your own friends?!" you yell.

"It's a contest, and Trixie just did the same to Snips and Snails," Twilight tries to explain.

"Yeah, but they were already kids. You're friends were in like their 20's! Now they'll have to go through puberty again. PUBERTY!!! What the buck is wrong with you!"

Yeah, it's a competition for the fate of this town, but still that kind of magic is horrible! Besides, nopony else is heckling Twilight so I gotta pick up the sla- Wait, what's that?

Looking more closely, you notice a glint of light when Twilight "re-ages" Applejack and Rarity. Your curiosity piqued, you put on the Multi-Vision Goggles and set them to "Thermal mode". With that engaged, you clearly see foal and adult-sized, pony-shaped masses of heat running to and from the spot under the cover of smoke every-time Twilight casts the spell, their hoofprints visible thanks to the heat vision.

Oh... It's jusr smoke and mirrors! you realize as you deactivate, retract, and put the goggles away, Probably would have noticed that sooner if my drone instincts weren't too busy compelling me to obey the Queen. I could tell Trixie, but I better keep my options open.

"Hey Trixie! Serpentine, Serpentine! You unhelpfully call out.

"What? Why? What would that even accomplish?!" Trixie says with her eye twitching.

You then look to Twilight "cloning" Rainbow Dash causing Trixie to exclaim,

"That's- That's impossible!"

Oh come on, you can see the body paint and wig on Fluttershy! you think.

Then Pinkie Pie, starts playing a bunch of instruments after Twilight zaps her.

"This-This can't be!" cries Trixie.

"Umm... it's just her playing a bunch of instruments, how is that- *crash*" you start before Pinkie smacks you in the head with a cymbal crash having had enough of you making the competition more tense.

"Ow." you mutter as everything spins.

As your vision shakes, you hear Twilight say how she'll turn a Mare into a Stallion.

"What?!" you yell, before you see her turn Applejack into a Stallion. It's clearly that Big Mac, but again, you take the opportunity to ham things up,

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Voodoo! Voodoo! I say. My Queen, take her out before she kills us all! EVERY MARE FOR HERSELF!!!" you yell before diving under a nearby vendor cart, trying to make the situation even more tense, and some of the towns ponies do look a bit more hectic.

"Alright alright, calm yourself captain!" she grunts out, and you notice her sweating nervously and scared.

"Shut up!" Twilight exclaims in annoyance at you.

Ha, got Trixie scared, and Twilight angry, this gonna be good. you smirk.

ONE DUEL LATER AND BECAUSE YOU ALL ALREADY SAW HOW THE DUEL ENDED IN THE CANON EPISODE, THERE'S NO NEED TO REPEAT IT HERE

Kichi's comment

With the town cheering Twilight's victory, you decide would be prudent for you to distance yourself from Trixie. Sure, it was fun being an officer for a hot powerhouse and playing double agent like a cunning chessmaster, but even if Twilight and Zecora's plan failed they could still call in the Princesses who control the celestial bodies of space. Needless to say, things never would have worked out for Trixie in the long run.

Filled with confidence at a job well-done, you walk over to the Elements and are about to say something when they notice you first... and they don't look too happy.

"What in tarnation are you doing here? Don't ya need to help your "queen"?" Applejack angrily asks.

"That? Oh, come on, I was playing double agent. No hard feelings?" you offer.

"You're only here because you thought we were the winning team, aren't you?" Rarity accuses.

"Ah, bi, Pfft. What? No. Why would you think that?" you stumble nervously.

"Please. I've seen this several times before in Canterlot. Nobles only want to back a clear winner and will drop him or her the moment he/she loses."

"Oh come one!" you exclaim, "Didn't I give you that info on how only she can take off that amulet AND the idea to dig under the dome?" you insist.

"Well he is right abou-" Fluttershy adds before Pinkie interrupts.

"What about heckling Twilight?"

"That uhhh... Was also part of the act, to make sure Trixie believed me." you insist, trying to make the others believe you.

"And what about slapping me!" Rainbow Dash interjects.

"Again, that was organization habits! And I already apol-"

"That's the other thang, this 'organization' you said you was part of." Applejack points out.

"Yeah, you admitted you guys did something really really bad and if slapping me was 'organization habits' then why the hay should we trust you?!" Rainbow Dash adds.

"I- Uh-" you stumble.

"Two-faced varmint." Applejack spits before she turns and leaves, the others following suit (although Fluttershy does briefly look back with a sad look before rejoining her friends).

"Oh come on!" you exclaim in annoyance.

BrownDog77 comment

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice the Royal Guardponies starting to regroup so you turn to leave-

"Hold it right there!"

"Great." you mutter as you turn to see Twilight coming up to confront you,

"What was the idea with all that heckling huh? Did you want Trixie to beat me?"

"Hey, I was just playing the part. You won so why does it matter?"

"It matters because you were making me angry and intentionally stressing out Trixie into making mistakes. It's like you were playing both of us and not caring which side won."

"Hey, I was looking out for the rest of the town. If you lost, I'd still be in her good books and keep the town from becoming a complete dictatorship. If you won, which you did anyway, then everything goes back to normal."

She shakes her head, "Even so, that was still a very reckless gamble. Your heckling could have caused the situation to get out of hoof and hurt the town! Were you really looking out for the town, or were just looking out for yoursel-"

"Alright alright, I can read the writing on the wall." you angrily interrupt as you take out the Gold Cigarette Case, "I know when I'm not wanted." you add as you take out one of your cigarettes for a smoke when suddenly it's telekinetically yanked out of your grasp.

"Are you crazy!?"

"Hey!" you exclaim in annoyance.

"Ponyville is a smoke-free town! Plus studies have shown that they are the leading cause of-"

"Hey, Twilight, it's raining." you snark causing her to look up in confusion.

"What? It's clear skies. There's no rai-"

"Exactly. It's raining to amount of bucks I give!" you exclaim as you grab the cigarette back, "My lungs. My call." you mutter as you light up the cigarette (1), before finishing it in a long quick drag, and blowing it out in a sizable smoke cube.

"Bye." you say curtly as you flick the cigarette butt away and leave the bookworm in shock. With that conversation putting you in a bad mood, your mind once again goes to dark places...

As you watch the battle you see that the amulet could be the perfect tool to have for your plans. With the powers of the amulet it could be easy to recover, not to say save your queen from almost any pony prison, unless they put her in Tartarus. Because of that you decide that the best is to get the amulet and begin to work your mind about the best way to get it.

Ungrateful ponies. You try to help them by playing double-agent and suddenly they don't trust you. you think angrily, unaware of the irony, Fine, if they won't let me in, it's back to plan A; Finding my Hive and freeing them. That'll show those ingrates. And I know just the amulet to help me with that...

You smirk cruelly at the thought and start looking for Zecora, only to see her talking with a pair of the Royal Guardponies. Your thoughts sobering at this, you realize,

Cruel Chrysalis. What was I thinking? That amulet is clearly too well guarded. Even if I somehow got that amulet, there are SO many things I need to find out; How does the amulet work? Where is my Hive being held? How could I use the amulet to fulfill my goals? Will the Queen execute me on the spot for taking son long? Is it called a cherry changa or chimmy cherry? Or what if I combine them? Chimmy cherry changa? I better get out of town before I get any more half-baked ideas.

With that you again start to leave town. As you pop another sugarcube into your mouth the ronch on, you coincidentally pass by Sugarcube Corner.

*ding*

Getting an idea, you cover the Makeshift Bomb in frosting and icing, put the fuse in a wax coating to make it look like a candle, and put the whole thing in a cake box.
"Makeshift Bomb" turned into "Cake Bomb"

Getting an idea, you go into Sugarcube Corner and order a small tub of pink frosting, a small tube of yellow icing, and a cake box which cost you 4 Bits total. Taking the items, you proceeded to leave the bakery and quickly ducked into an alley, took out the Makeshift Bomb, and got to work.

Fortunately, "basic cake-decorating" was one of the skills you were trained in at the Hive so soon you had a "cake" with a pink coat and yellow webbing with a pink flower on top with the fuse sticking out of it like a candle. You carefully put the "cake" into the box and put the box into your Saddlebags.

"Makeshift Bomb" turned into "Cake Bomb"
56 Bits remaining

Thank you Hitmane. you think as you leave the alley, but suddenly see Filthy Rich and Spoiled Rich...

BrownDog77 comment

You walk right up to him and say,

"Your wife is a horrible living being, Brother Bits. I really think you should trade her in for a younger model. Or at least a discount."

Because you said this right out loud to Filthy with Spoiled right next to him, he gives you a bemused look as several nearby ponies snicker at your comment.

"Why, y-you, you..." she starts before you declare.

"Well it's been fun. See ya!" before you head out of town.

As you walk down the road away from Ponyville, you notice how late and cold it's getting outside.

"Huh, maybe I should have waited till tomorrow to leave." you shiver. You're about to smoke another cigarette to keep warm when you notice a campfire light near the edge of the woods.

As you walk towards the light like a moth, you see that it's in front of a wagon and a certain blue mare is sitting in front of the campfire.

"Hey, Trixie?" you call out and she looks up.

"Oh, Mr. Dewitt, what are you doing out here?" she asks.

"Well someponies were kind of irritated at me for joining you, so I had to skedaddle."

"Oh, well Trixie is- No, I'm sorry for causing you duress."

You saw her being all humble and apologetic after the amulet came off of her, and it's a remarkable improvement on her attitude.

"Oh don't worry about it, was my fault anyway," you dismiss.

"No it wasn't, I went drunk with power and you were just looking out for yourself. Still, I thank you for showing me kindness and helping the others whilst I was being influenced," she says with a smile.

"No problem... So do you mind if I share your fire? It's kind of cold out."

"Not at all, in fact, I have a spare bed in the trailer if you don't wish to sleep outdoors" she says and you sit down.

"Oh, um...you sure that's a good idea?" you ask.

"Of course, why wouldn't it be for my only friend?" she says.

"Well, uh... wouldn't it be awkward after what happened last night?" you ask nervously.

"Huh? What happened last night?"

"You don't remember?" you ask with a blush beneath your scarf.

"No, all I remember is you offering me some delicious wine, and then I woke up with my head killing me."

"Oh..."

"So what happened?" she asks.

"Oh, nothing important..." you cough before changing the subject, "So where you headed?" you ask her.

"Oh, I don't know. Figured I'd try to bring back the old magic act, but I need money first for props and such. I heard there are gem fields south of the Everfree."

"You uh, need someone to tag along? I uh, don't really have anywhere else to go, and it's kind of dangerous out here for a mare to be on her own" you say.

She looks shocked at this, "Why would you want to go with me?" she asks.

"Well, because none of what happened back there was really your fault. Some of it, but not all of it. Plus you did appoint me your Captain after all." you tell her.

"I'd like that Mr. DeWitt. It would be good to have company as I travel. Mayhaps you could help me with my show in some way once I've found funding."

*growl*

Suddenly you hear Trixie's stomach growl causing her to blush in embarrassment.

"Um, if it's not too much to ask, do you have any spare food? I forget to pack supplies when I left."

"I got you covered." you say as you take out a Can of Cream of Potato Soup...

NOON, THE NEXT DAY

We now find you in the woods with Trixie and her wagon heading towards the gem fields south of the everfree forest. You both had a good night's rest (in separate cots in the wagon) and had a Jar of Chocolate Peanut Butter and a Box of Ritz Crackers for breakfast where you told Trixie about your "condition" that requires you to wear clothes all the time and she told you her last name is "Lulamoon" and that she was a former student of Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Along the way to the gem fields, Trixie accidentally spilled her magic trunk with all her props falling out onto a pit of mud.

[Trixie was bearing the situation with her normal grace and poise,

"Why? Why do these things always happen to me?!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjcudofZFjQ&feature=youtu.be&t=2m20s)

You're now helping Trixie retrieve her items (using Force Pull so you won't get your suit dirty) when your changeling instincts sense... something in the nearby bushes...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Naturally you put the cigarette in your mouth between folds of the scarf so as to not expose your changeling face.

IMPORTANT: READ THIS LOADOUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT ABILITIES AND ITEMS YOU (RITZ) HAVE

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 18 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-6 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-6 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-6 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-56 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Admittedly this chapter is pretty short and quick, but quite a few of you pointed out that there just isn't much for Ritz to do. Now the next arc is based on this comic arc;

For those of you who can't watch/access the link; Basically Trixie accidentally becomes the Queen of the Diamond Dog Kingdom of Diamondia. Here are a few ground rules;

Rainbow Dash and any of the other main ponies do NOT show up.

No exposing Ritz as a changeling.

Other than that, have fun.

Seeing how recent this chapter is, the question from last chapter still stands;

Who do you hear as Ritz DeWitt's/815's voice?

I'm pretty sure we've had enough episodes to get more-or-less a good grip on his character, so I'm genuinely curious to know who you hear (actor, voice actor, or character) as Ritz's voice as you read this fic.

See ya next time.

Chapter 12: You Ain't Nothing But a Alpha Dog

Find out what is stalking you. If it's just an animal, let it go. If its the Guard again, either give a beating as you desire or get out of town... or out of the woods, as the case may be.

Love the Changeling comment

As your specialist instincts warn you about those nearby bushes, you think,

Huh. Could just be an animal, but going by movie logic; assuming something is "just the wind" and turning around will result in me being blindsided while going in for a closer look will mean I get dragged in and mugged for my outfit. If only I could get a good look without getting closer...

"RItz, are you going to help me or not?" Trixie calls in annoyance from the mud pit, interrupting your thoughts.

"Shhhh." you shush as you lift your hoof up to scratch your head in thought when you bump into the Multi-Vision Goggles,

"Oh right, goggles." you remember as you lower the goggles and settle them onto your face before turning them on only to be hit with blinding over-saturated light,

"Gah!" you say as you push the goggles back up as your eyes readjust.

"What is it?" Trixie asks in concern as she gets out of the mud and moves closer behind you.

"Nothing, nothing." you lie as you take a second or two of thinking through the problem before realizing what the problem is;

D'oh! Night-vision doesn't work during the DAY.

With that in mind, you put the goggles back on and set them to "Thermal mode". While the heat from the sun makes everything brighter, you don't see any lifeforms in or around the bushes, but you do see fresh... paw prints(?), multiple sets of them in fact leading away from the bush-

"RITZ!"

Hearing Trixie's cry, you whirl around and see...

BrownDog77 comment

Blobs of red and orange surrounding you and Trixie!

"What the-" you state in surprise as you retract and push up the goggles to reveal that the "orange blobs" are actually Diamond Dogs.

"Diamond dogs..." you growl as you eye the surrounding mutts warily, lowering the brim of your hat over one eye. You know these scruffy canines well.

Changelings have had extended relations with Diamond Dogs in the past (1) however, hardly any of this is relevant now. You focus on the important parts. These guys are strong, excellent burrowers, always in packs, and dumb as rocks. Behind you, Trixie is so frozen at the sight of these mongrels that she doesn't even move to pick up her spilled gems.

You motion out with your hoof, signalling her to stay down as you think,

Gotta figure out a way that they can't smell me, something to overload their noses or... That's it!

You quickly whip the Gold Cigarette Case and Gold Lighter, stuff four cigarettes into your mouth, light em up, and start puffing them like mad.

"What are you doing?" Trixie asks you nervously, "Those things will kill you!"

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." you tell her through your cigarette-muffled mouth as you blow smoke on yourself and Trixie (causing the latter to go into a coughing fit).

Luckily your plan works, as one of the Diamond Dogs pipe up,

"Woof! This guy smells like someone split a tar pit on cherries and cream. You should stop smoking, bad for your breathing."

"Hey, you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease.' The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it." you counter as you blow the smoke at the dogs, sending them into a coughing and hacking fit due to their sensitive sense of smell.

"My nose! *cough*"

"My lungs! *hack*"

Understanding what your plan is, Trixie gives you an "I get it" wink and says, "Yes, if my Captain wishes to smoke, let him smoke."

"14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes" remaining

As the dogs are distracted with the smell of tobacco overloading their heightened sense of smell you...

SnapDrakeGames comment

Take out a Thundercloud Orb and whisper "Aquila Talon," turning your bracelet into a bracer as you crack your neck in preparation for the upcoming fight. These mutts are about to learn that they messed with the wrong specialist-

"Wait! Wait wait wait wait!" A dog in a blue jacket and red waist-sash pushes his way through the coughing pack, stumbling onto the scene. "Wait just a minute," he pants, taking a few deep breaths before looking up at you. "Please put that thing away. We aren't here to fight you."

"Huh?" you ask. "I mean, there's a covered wagon back there which means it could be a merchant and you've surrounded us while we've stopped- not to mention that your kind are known for robbing unguarded caravans. That's practically first-week-of-bandit-school behavior."

"Known for- bah! Those fools," the dog scoffs, looking off. "Even after we've exiled them, those curs still give us a bad name. They really are useless, aren't they? Never mind," he says, turning back towards you. "We aren't like those savage strays. We hail from the Diamond Dog kingdom of Dimondia."

Dimondia? I thought that wreck of a kingdom fell apart three hundred years ago. you think to yourself. To the dog, you raise your voice and ask, "Well, what do you want?" as you cautiously keep your bracer and orb at the ready.

"Nothing much," the dog replies. "It's just that, well, we were passing through when we noticed that you," he points a paw in Trixie's direction, "look to be a Diviner! You can locate Diamonds!"

"I can?" Trixie asks. She glances from the dogs to the gems scattered in the mud behind her, "I mean, of course I can! Yes, you rubes- er, fair citizens, I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, and my powers are infinite! I am a great finder of gems!"

"Ooh!" the dogs all chant, their eyes lighting up.

"Uh oh." you mutter to yourself as you put the orb away and change the bracer back into a bracelet. A genre-savvy bug like you has seen this all before and Trixie is heading straight into classic "Liar Revealed" territory. One of your least favorite cliches (2).

"She's got great power!" one of the dogs mutters.

"We should make her our queen!" Another cries. This gets the group really excited- so much that they enter into a chant.

"Queen! Queen! Queen! Queen!"

"Oh Great and Powerful Trixie!" the blue-jacketed dog pipes up. "I think my fellow Diamond Dogs have spoken. My name is Jim, and I think we'd all be honored if you consented to be our queen."

Trixie gives a smile wider than her face... somehow. "You know what, I think I'd be deli-"

"Hold it!" you cry, interrupting the showmare as you step between her and the dogs, and whisper to Trixie, "Could I speak to you for a moment? Privately?"

Dragging Trixie to behind the wagon and out of sight of the Dogs, you hiss at the unicorn,

"What are you doing? You can't find gems any better than a high school graduate can find a reasonably priced college! You can't honestly be planning on faking your way into a position you can't uphold!"

"Mr. Dewitt, while I appreciate the concern it really is unnecessary," Trixie replies. "How hard could it be to learn a simple gem-finding spell? And if, by some stretch of the imagination, I can't do it, there are alternative methods of gem finding."

"Still doesn't mean it's a good idea," you argue. "I've seen this all before. Dramatic tension builds up, even if it makes no sense whatsoever- then, in a big scene, the lie is dramatically revealed and it all goes to Tartarus."

"Oh calm down," Trixie scoffs. "Wouldn't you like to spend some time living in luxury? A warm bed in a castle, instead of a cold cot in a cart? A feast fit for royalty? A crowd of adoring subjects?"

You give her a deadpan look.

"I'll make you captain of the guard again."

"Fine." you say as you give her a resigned (yet supportive) look.

"My new citizens!" Trixie cries as she walks out from behind the wagon to greet the Diamond Dogs. "Your new queen has arrived! Please, lead me to my kingdom." The Dogs cheer with joy as you sarcastically mutter,

"A showpony bluffing her way to Queen-ship of a completely separate species; This can ONLY end well..."

ONE TREK LATER

SnapDrakeGames comment

The Kingdom is Dimondia... meh. It's not too bad. A little run down, but a nice coat of paint should fix that up. It could do with a little expanding, and some of the mutts don't look too well fed. The castle is nowhere near as big as Canterlot, but as Trixie put it, it sure beats her wagon. And the guard that you're captain of is made of some pretty burly mutts. A bit of training, and these guys could be a force to be reckoned with. You and Trixie also find out that Jim is the Chancellor of Dimondia and the current "placeholder" (as he puts it) leader of the Kingdom.

After some orders being given, some Diamond Dogs scrambling around, and more than a few messes being cleaned up, Dimondia's population is gathered to witness and celebrate Trixie being crowned "Her Highness, Lady of the First Order, Queen Trixianna to First" and appointing you "Captain DeWitt" (Yes! I'm an officer again!) in a grand (or at least grand by Diamond Dogs standards) ceremony. A diamond-embroidered golden ring-crown is placed atop her head as her new subjects cheer with delight. No doubt, they hope that Trixie will bring about prosperity to their kingdom with her abilities... speaking of which, she's gonna have a lot of studying to do if she wants to learn a gem-finding spell.

We now find you at the post-coronation party where the Diamond Dogs are celebrating the beginning of the reign of their new Queen. You approach Trixie who is sitting on a large chair (most likely her throne) and jokingly ask,

"I guess it's 'Your majesty' again, eh?"

"I certainly hope so," Trixie replies, smiling as she adjusts her crown. "Though without that old Alicorn Amulet's influence, I'm sure I'll do a better job than last time."

"Good," you say, "Because I was talking to some of the citizens and this kingdom really is something of a fixer-upper. There are a bunch of roads and residential buildings that need to be redone, and funding for those has to be raised. The citizens could use more food which would mean more funding. The guards are tough, but security is terrible. Pretty much any other kingdom could wipe us out if they so desired. I'll have to completely reorganize the training regimen, hire more soldiers... which will take funding. There's a cockatrice sighted near the north forest, so someling's gonna have to go deal with that... probably at the cost of more funding."

"Err- Mr. Dewitt, would you be a dear and handle those things for me?" Trixie asks, taking another bite out of a flower.

"Not without funding," you say. "And you're the only one who can approve it. Hay, I don't even think there's enough in the budget to cover all this. That gemfinding spell is gonna be really import-"

"Yes yes, of course," Trixie says, waving your remarks off. "But for now, Captain Dewitt, why not just enjoy the party?"

"...Yes your majesty." you groan and walk off.

Erised the ink-moth comment

While the coronation party is great and all and the dogs especially seem to be having a very good time, you realize that there's going to be a lot of work that'll need to be done if this whole "queen" charade is going to work. Luckily, Trixie has an elite (okay, above-average but still!) hive operative watching her back from the shadows. So while you enjoy the festivities like Trixie ordered, you also decide to find out what's what in Dimondia. Multi-tasking, yeah!

You immediately start looking for Jim and, thanks to his formal blue jacket, you quickly manage to spot him over by one of the tables of food and drinks that were set up for the party.

"So, Chancellor Jim..." you say as you sidle up to him.

He turns with a roast chicken in his paws and smiles as he recognizes you. "Hello Captain DeWitt. This is a glorious day, is it not? Dimondia has a new ruler! I hope she lasts longer than the last twelve."

"Yeah I- Wait, Last Twelve?" you say doing a double-take, "Just how many rulers have they gone through, and why so many? Were they assassinated?"

You quickly whirl around and ready to activate your hookblade bracer when Jim says,

"Calm down Captain, there were never any assassinations. But yes, it's unfortunate. Dimondia has not had a committed leader for a very long time, each time a new King, Queen, or even a Jack comes to us, they soon realize how hard it is to keep a small kingdom like ours afloat. Most get frustrated and leave. Others write apology notes and leave in the middle of the night." Jim explains, assuaging your fears slightly. "Diamond dogs don't lead well. In fact, Diamond dogs prefer to be lead. Thankfully, we have a new trick so that no leader will ever abandon us ever again!" he says and wags his tail as he happily takes a bite out of the roast chicken.

"Oh, and what's that?" you ask, thinking that one: that could be a clever ace that you could exploit. And two: It might be good to know about in case you need to save Trixie and make a hasty getaway with her.

Jim leans in and whispers to you, "Crown is enchanted. It works as a collar and a leash so that King or Queen can't leave kingdom and can't take it off either. We received it from a zebra merchant months ago. He said it was cursed, but anything that makes Queen stay and help us couldn't possibly be a curse." he says, looking quite proud of himself.

He then hands you a cup full of punch while taking one himself. "Here, a toast to our new Queen. May she stay with us forever!"

Not wanting to seem rude, you take the cup and clang it against his before taking a slow, ponderous sip. This whole "Queen" gig is practically hinged on Trixie's ability to actually find gems with her magic. The second they realize that she's not able to make them a ton of money to fund their kingdom, you're not sure what they're going to do, and that whole "Can't leave while the crown's on" thing is particularly annoying. Thankfully there's nothing stopping you from bailing if need be, but you'll try your best to make sure it doesn't come to that.

You start thinking about ways you can start fixing Dimondia up, while also making a list of things to do in order to keep the illusion of Trixie being as great and powerful as she claims. Looking over at where she's giving a grand speech to her new subjects, you realize you've got your work cut out for you. Still, it shouldn't be too much for someling like you to handl-

*Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!**Slup!*

Gah! What is that horrible, concentration-shattering-... oh. It's just Jim lapping up his punch with his tongue... and getting most of it on the floor.

"Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to deduce shady politics here."

Jim grins up at you sheepishly before slowly backing away. With a roll of your eyes, you down the rest of the punch and head back over to Trixie's throne when...

BrownDog77 comment

*growl*

Your stomach growls.

Oh yeah, haven't eaten since breakfast... you realize as you look around at the food.

While Trixie is having a dish of roasted carrots and flowers with a cup of tea on the side, you notice that the rest of the food isn't anything too fancy; vegetable stew, baked potatoes, dog biscuits, boiled eggs, berries, bowls of watermelon punch, and... roast chickens, smoked hams, and a large turkey.

"Meat? You guys got legit meat? Oh sign me up!" you say ecstatically and are about to dig in when Trixie spits out her tea in shock.

"Ritz! Have you lost your senses?! You're a pony! You can't consume a living thing's flesh! Not only is it immoral, but you physically can't!" she chides at you horrified.

"Actually Trix, I'm omnivorous.," you tell her, upset about being lectured on not eating the glory that is meat.

"How? Aren't you a unicorn like me?" she asks.

"Well, remember my condition? I have a... mutation, yeah a mutation that causes me to like meat, I can't help it."

"But your Doctor's Note never mentioned anything about a mutation or being an omnivore." she points out.

"Well I'd say he must have thestral in his genetic history," Jim interjects.

"Thestral? You mean a bat pony?" you ask.

"Of course, my father knew one once. Would join us for a porkchop every now and again,"

"Ah! That must be why you've also got such light sensitive skin and big eyes, one of your family is a nocturnal creature." says Trixie.

"I... yeah sure, let's go with that," you say, happy that a rational explanation could explain away two of your "problems" as you help yourself to a plate while Trixie-er Queen Trixianna is brought an unopened aged bottle of champagne.

After managing to balance some generous slices of ham and turkey, some baked potatoes, a few bowls of vegetable stew, some boiled eggs, and a roast chicken on several plates on your back, you ask Jim,

"Hey, where do you guys keep the sour cream, chives, and chips?"

"Sour cream... chives... and chips?" Jim asks in confusion.

"Yeah, along with salt and butter, sour cream, chives, and cheese are some of the best things to put on baked potatoes. Plus, I haven't had chips in a while."

"I apologize Captain DeWitt, but I do not know what those dishes are. We Diamond Dogs are simple when it comes to food. We generally prefer to just roast the meat, put vegetables in stews, and the few bakers in the Kingdom focus on making biscuits and occasionally potato bread."

"Okay... Actually, what do you guys do for food?" you ask, hoping to get more logistics on what the Kingdom's food situation is like.

"Well, we DIamond Dogs are carnivores so we raise chicken and pigs, but because we're natural hunters and miners, we also hunt wild birds, gather wild berries, nuts, and olives, grow potatoes, turnips, carrots, and watermelons, and have a salt mine. We also trade and barter with some local cows for dairy products."

"Are there any foods that Diamond Dogs can't eat that I should be aware of?"

"Well, chocolate, coffee, grapes, onions, garlic, and mustard seeds are all toxic to us. Tomatoes, coconuts, and spinach are tolerable, but only in small amounts."

*ding* "Chancellor, I think I have some ideas that will really shake up Dimondian cuis-"

"For her next trick, the Great and Powerful Trixianna the First will make this pencil disappear!"

nightmaster0 comment

Your eyes widening in recognition of that drunk female voice, you drop your dishes and run over to see Trixie wobbling on her throne while shakily levitating a goblet of champagne and a pencil.

"Okay your drunky-ness, time to get you to the Royal Chambers." you say as you gently have the intoxicated showmare lean on you and head towards the castle before you stop and ask Jim,

"Uh... Do you know where the Royal Chambers are?"

"Of course," Jim answers, but with a sly look, "Just make a left at the entrance and go up the flight of stairs to the top floor and make a right until you reach the shiny door. I will make sure noone disturbs your privacy."

"Thanks." you say, oblivious to what Jim is implying as you guide her drunken majesty into the castle as per Jim's directions. Along the way Trixie drunk-talks to you,

"Mr. Dewitt, I just have to thank for sticking with me. Nopony's ever been as kind to me as you have."

"Really? Nopony?"

"Well there was this one odd pony named Maud back at that accursed rock farm. *hic* She didn't show much emotion but she was quite nice to Trixie. There was also Marble, but she was always too shy to say anythin-*hic* But other than her you are the first pony that Trixie could call a friend. *hic*"

"Huh, cool." you comment.

"Wait, there was also Ratzy!" Trixie perks up, but you quickly hold her to help maintain her balance.

"I think you mentioned that name before." you say remembering her drunk-mumbling that name during her brief power-mad takeover of Ponyville.

"Yeah, Trixie's foalhood friend! *hic* He was this sweet blue-eyed colt who was always there for Trixie that one summer. *hic* He was the one who originally helped Trixie's with her latent great and powerful skills." she reminisces.

"Why does that name sound familiar? Yahtzee? Bugze?" you mumble-wonder as you reach the door to the Royal Chambers.

"But who needs a colt when Trixie's got her a stallion..." Trixie says with lidded eyes towards you as she's now in the flirty stage of being drunk.

"Uh oh."

"You know Mr. Dewitt, Trixie thinks you deserve a special reward for all your kindness and help." she says as you open the door to guide Trixie in and reply,

"Uh-huh."

"There's one important thing every Queen needs. Let Trixie ask you something, have you ever dreamed of being a king..." she says invitingly as she nuzzles you.

Great, here we go again... you gulp nervously.

"I mean, every Kingdom needs heirs and you certainly must be one FINE specimen beneath... those... cloth-" suddenly, Trixie passes out and falls, but you catch her.

You sigh in relief and comment, "Feels like yesterday... In fact, I think it was yesterday." as you carry Trixie to the bed and tuck her in.

"Goodnight your highness." you say as you leave the Chambers and head back to where Chancellor Jim was to start making some major changes...

ONE MONTH LATER

BrownDog77 comment

Things are are now looking better for the Kingdom of Dimondia. Sure, it's no Canterlot, but it is doing alot better ever since Queen Trixianna took over as she (with alot of help from you) completely changed up quite a few of the operations of many Governmental Functions in Dimondia.

First thing you did; Give secret orders to the guards, staff, and Jim to keep any and all alcohol FAR away from Queen Trixianna as you prepare another "Hangover-be-Gone" breakfast.

Second thing is most obvious; Education. Most diamond dog pups have been homeschooled for generations which explains why most of their education is focused on mining and digging. Now most Changeling's aren't geniuses, but they are trained and educated in math, hoofwriting, and other basic skills to blend in better so you feel like some of the small pups should at least know what 2 plus 2 is. You and Trixie create an official schoolhouse and because Chancellor Jim is the most intelligent Diamond Dog by far (he actually attended school in a pony town as a pup), Trixie decrees that he should handle the education board. While Dimondia as a whole is still a nation of idiots, you are proud to say that the pups can perform basic addition and are now starting to read at a Kindergarten level.

Now they'll be able to barter better instead of being duped into trading half their gems for a hoof-ful of bea-

"Wait, if it's noon, how can 2 times 3 equal 6 o'clock?" one adult Diamond Dog asks Jim.

Or not...

Next is your job; Captain of the Dimondia Royal Guard. While you were never an officer back at the Hive, you were able to instill basic discipline and a slight measure of drone-like efficiency in these Dog Guards, trained them how to be stealthier (while nowhere near your level, they can be pretty quiet for a bunch of armored burly lugs), and some hoof-to-hoof combat by teaching them your Chain Punch. You even set aside a few of the much larger Diamond Dogs in the guard and had them formed into a Shock Troops unit armed with Kanabo clubs (Neighponese heavy clubs covered in knobs to better smash through armor and shields), odorless smoke bombs (so they could disorient and blind enemies without interfering with their own enhanced sense of smell), and even more armor. Queen Trixianna dubbed this new heavy unit; "Varangians".

While they're still not exactly Equestrian Black Flag operatives (3), the Diamondia Royal Guard are now a formidable force.

A few more months and I'll have my very own squad of commandos I can call down on my enemies with a hoof gesture just like in 'Assassin's Vow: Sisterhood'. you think in excitement.

Next is a sports team that can enter into the Equestrian National League like how the griffins and minotaurs play against the ponies. While you've personally never cared for sports, Changelings were taught the basics about sports and sports teams to better blend into stadium and bar settings. Seeing as how what the Diamond Dogs lack in brains, they make up for in brawn, you decide to teach them Hoofball. The first lesson was... enlightening.

"Alright you mutts." you say to two groups of Diamond Dogs as you hold up a hoofball, "This is a hoofball. Pay close attention as the primary objective of this game is to wail on whoever is currently carrying the ball-"

Cue both groups immediately pouncing on and dogpiling you. By some miracle, your suit manages to remain intact in spite of the pounding (Rarity is one hay of a seamstress) and being injured frequently with the Hoofball and Guard trainings means you have to invoke your changeling healing factor more which in turn means you can eat more without bloating, stomachaches, or gaining weight, much to Trixie's astonishment and envy,

"How is it even possible that you can eat all this junk and not gain a single pound while I need to exercise for an hour just to keep a slice of cake off my hips! Tell me now! Her Highness, Lady of the First Order, Queen Trixianna to First demands it!"

"Naw I kod tall yaw." you say with a mouth full of Fool's Gold Loaf (4), "*gulp* But then I would be obligated to kill you."

"R-really?" Trixie asks in fear.

"Nah, I'm just messing with ya." you say as you down a stein of milk, "It's part of my condition, makes me want to eat more. You wouldn't understand."

Speaking of which is the achievement that you yourself are most proud of (next to expanding the Kingdom's one picture house into a full multiplex movie theater); Using your knowledge of culinary movies, you introduce/"create" dishes to Dimondia including (but not limited to) peanut butter, watermelon slushies, sour cream, chili cheese fries, potato chips, hash browns, potato skins, potato wedges, loaded baked potatoes, carrot chips, carrot dogs (had to rename them "carrot franks"), fried chicken, chicken tenders, chicken nuggets, Papa Rellenas (stuffed potatoes), egg salad, egg drop soup, Croque-monsieurs, chicken-fried bacon, chicken-fried porkchops, Pork ribs, Buffalo wings (had to repeatedly explain to the Dogs that Buffalo do NOT have wings), Peeking Duck, Duck Confit, Qubanos (with Mayonnaise instead of Mustard), Monte Cristos, Gerbers, BLTs (the "T" had to be for Turnips instead of Tomatoes), PBJs, Elvises, clubhouses, the Double-Down "sandwich", and the Turducken. (5)

While these new recipes greatly boosts Diamondia's morale and food production, unfortunately it also boosts obesity and blood pressure rates as well. Even Trixie is a bit appalled by some of your food choices.

["How in Celestia's name is this a Child's Size?" she asks you as you hold up a 512 oz cup that says "Child" on it.

"Well because it's roughly the size of a two year old child... if the child were liquefied," you tell her,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ish8NBunrQU) "Plus with the average litter size of the typical Diamond Dog family, this is a convenient way of getting something all the pups can drink."

"Captain... Cut back on the sugar intake will you? Don't make me make that an order."

"Fine," you grumble.

Even more important is the introduction of the Icebox. While Trixie still doesn't know a gem-locating spell, she does know a freezing spell so you're able to introduce the icebox to Dimondia so they can preserve their meat longer. With this, you help Dimondia's economy by founding a national food cart service aimed at transporting, making, and selling your new dishes to cities in Equestria with notable batpony and griffin populations (and "Dragon Town" in Fillydelphia) and they soon become a good source of revenue for Dimondia. The name of these carts; "Dimondia's Y.U.M. (Yummy Underdog Meats) Caravans".

"Really Captain DeWitt? Is that the best you could come up with?" Trixie asks in bemusement.

"Well ponies like acronyms and what better acronym than something ponies say when the like a meal?" you defend.

"But most of your dishes contain some sort of meat! Ponies would be driven off in revulsion."

"Thus leaving behind our target demographic; Griffins, batponies, and other carnivores."

Down with Chrysalis comment

Now we find Dimondia preparing for Nightmare Night. Seeing how the holiday was approaching and it's one of the changeling's favorite holidays (due to being the one day they could walk around without a disguise and NOT get squashed on sight) you introduce the holiday to Dimondia. Seeing how Diamond Dogs are mainly carnivores and they don't have pumpkins, you had to improvise the holiday here and there with some Diamond Dog touches (like carving Jack-o-Lantens out of Turnips and giving out tiny dog biscuits, bones, and jerky instead of candy).

On the lightning-bolt decorated entrance to the castle, we find you without any clothes on except your hat, saddlebags, and bracelet (claiming it's your "changeling costume") with a returning Y.U.M. overseeing the dropping off of a crate labeled with a Diamond Dog skull and covered in chains. When you open the box, you're happy it contains what you specifically asked for; A large bottle of Ketchup, a large bottle of Mustard, a large jar of Grape Jelly, a six-pack of vanilla cola, and a dozen bars of chocolate.

Yes! you think in happiness as you inspect the contents, Most of these dishes just aren't the same without condiments, blueberry preserves and watermelon jam just can't compare to grape jelly, and I haven't had chocolate or cola in a LONG time!

Large Bottle of Ketchup
Large Bottle of Mustard
12 Bars of Chocolate
Large Jar of Grape Jelly
6 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
Added to Saddlebags

After putting the contents away, you proceed to munch on a chocolate bar ("11 Bars of Chocolate" remaining) as you then proceed to push a large hollow chocolate cake from the Royal Kitchen to the Queen's chambers as per her orders. While pushing the pastry up the stairs, your mind starts to wander,

Officer status, a Queen giving me orders, all I can eat meat and fried foods, life is pretty gorram sweet here. And yet, I feel like there's something missing...

Your thoughts are interrupted when you reach the door to the Queen's chambers and you enter the room to find...

Trixie with a couple of suitcases full of clothes and other things.

"Uh... what's with all the bags?" you ask.

"Isn't it obv-" Trixie says as she turns around before her eyes widen in shock at seeing you,

"A CHANGELING!" she screams, "GUARDS, YOUR QUEEN IS BEING USURPED!!!"

On cue you see smoke bombs going off behind you at the entrance so you order down the hallway,

"FALSE ALARM, STAND DOWN!" and turn back to Trixie-

*CRASH*

Only to turn back when you hear three large heavily armored Varangians smash into the wall due to the bulk of their own momentum.

"Especially the Varangians." you comment before turning back to Trixie as you shut the door.

"Trixie, it's me! Remember the hat and saddlebags?!" You say as you point to your objects,

Trixie's eyes dawn in recognition, "Ritz?! Why are you dressed as a changeling?!"

"Nightmare Night, remember?"

"Oh... Sorry."

"Now I'll ask again; What's with all the bags?"

"Because I'm leaving."

...

"YOU'RE WHAT?!!!" you exclaim, "IF YOU'RE LEAVING, WHY THE BUCK DID YOU MAKE ME DRAG A HOLLOW CHOCOLATE CAKE ALL THE WAY FROM THE KITCHEN TO YOUR ROOM!"

"Because the Great and Powerful Trixie will hide in it while you lead it out of this gilded cage full of idiots."

...

"Say what?... And why?"

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) In fact, Changelings and Diamond Dogs were allies at one point. The Changelings would use the Dogs' impressive burrowing abilities to construct sprawling underground labyrinths, while they'd provide the drone-power often necessary for the enormous mining ventures the Dogs loved. It was a mutually beneficial relationship- that is, until The Legendary Kibble Incident of Knight's Peak. Things just haven't been the same since then. Despite that incident being centuries ago, for whatever reason sour feelings still exist between the Dogs and the Bugs. Changelings were always advised not to bother disguising themselves as Diamond Dogs and take extreme caution when infiltrating a stronghold with Diamond Dogs in it because as dogs, their noses could always sniff out a changeling regardless of how well disguised they were visually, physically, and audiology.

(2) Other cliches you hate include lame villain deaths (No! Headshots! EVEEEEER!) and "Put Down Your Crossbow and Step Away"

(3) The Black Flag specialists are a small but elite force of black ops commando ponies carrying out cloak-and-dagger work for the Princesses on more "mundane" (at least compared to supervillains like Discord and Nightmare Moon who would be WAY out of their league) threats like terrorists and foreign spies. Changelings shudder at the thought of facing down even one of these guys in the field, but fortunately Chrysalis was able to lure the majority of them away from the Canterlot Wedding via false terrorist plot rumors in Manehattan and Las Pegasus so the remaining ones were overwhelmed by pure numbers. Originally mentioned in the excellent fic, The Great Alicorn Hunt

(4) A type of large sandwich served at an exclusive restaurant that was one of the favorites of the King of Rock. The original recipe calls for a loaf of bread covered in margarine and toasted before being stuffed with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of hay bacon, but you had to improvise with a loaf of potato bread, butter, blueberry preserves, and actual bacon.

(5) Another thing you did was order the Diamond Dogs to set aside a few pigs with strict instructions to let them be free-range and only feed them acorns, olives, truffles, and clean water. You declare and label these pigs to be "Jamón Superior" who's meat should only be sold for a very high price (100 Bits a pound at the very least).

IMPORTANT: READ THIS LOADOUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT ABILITIES AND ITEMS YOU (RITZ) HAVE

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-6 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-6 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-6 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Large Bottle of Ketchup
-Large Bottle of Mustard
-11 Bars of Chocolate
-Jar of Grape Jelly
-6 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-56 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Alright commenters; it's Nightmare Night in Dimondia and Trixie wants to make her great escape. Will she make it! YOU DECIDE!

Some guidelines for next chapter;

Rainbow Dash and any of the other main ponies do NOT show up.

No exposing Ritz as an actual changeling.

It's Nightmare Night (aka the MLP analogue to Halloween) so feel free to use that for scares and costumes.

Remember, it's based on this comic arc;

Don't forget this detail when coming up of ways for Trixie to escape;

Jim leans in and whispers to you, "Crown is enchanted. It works as a collar and a leash so that King or Queen can't leave kingdom and can't take it off either. We received it from a zebra merchant months ago. He said it was cursed, but anything that makes Queen stay and help us couldn't possibly be a curse." he says, looking quite proud of himself.

Other than that, have fun!

The answer to the question; Who do you hear as Ritz DeWitt's/815's voice?

To be honest i haven't really thought about it. But if i have to choose i see him with Jack Black's voice.

Congratulations nightmaster0!

Personally, I often switch between hearing Robert Downey Jr (particularly his Tony "Iron Man" Stark and Sherlock Holmes roles) and Booker DeWitt (voiced by Troy Baker) when writing Specialist 815/Ritz DeWitt, but Jack Black's voice also fits as he's well known for comedy, but can also handle dramatic and even bad~~ass~~flank lines as the Kung Fu Panda movies have shown.

See ya next time, and here's hoping we can get the next chapter up before or on Halloween this Saturday!

Chapter 13: This Is Hallow-er Nightmare Night... Kinda.

BrownDog77 comment

Erised the ink-moth comment

As you look at Trixie in shock, she merely replies,

"Hurry! There's no time to explain!" as she finishes stuffing some magic props into a suitcase.

"Uh, just a quick question Trixie. But... how much effort have you actually put into learning this gem-finding spell?" You ask her as she clicks her last suitcase shut. Every time you'd asked her over the past month, she merely brushed off your concerns or gave non-answers (a true politician). Honestly, for a while you've been wondering if she's been doing anything but kicking back and enjoying her royal perks.

She turns to you, looking incredibly offended. "Captain DeWitt! I am incredibly offended that you would suggest that I, Trixianna the first, ruler of Dimondia, and your Queen would shirk her royal duties."

Normally when a member of royalty starts scolding you, you'd be on your belly waiting to beg for forgiveness, but you've known Trixie long enough to separate the boastful showmare side of her, and the mare she really is. You know that when she starts talking in her grandiose terms and trying to appear bigger than she really is, it's only for show, and you're in on the act.

So appropriately, you respond with a single raised brow and a deadpan stare and just like that, the whole charade tumbles in on itself.

"Fine, I'll admit that I haven't devoted every spare moment to learning a gem-finding spell." Trixie says as she deflates back to the mare you know and tolerate. "But I have been trying!" she adds as she springs back up, "I had a few beginners' spell books and a small tome on thaumaturgy with me when I came here. But they only taught the basics; things I've mastered... or at least got good enough to use in my performances, years ago! I thought that with some proper adaptation I could simply teach myself how to cast a gem-finding spell! I didn't work so well." she tells you sadly.

Trixie then walks over to her royal mattress and pulls out a hoofful of gems from under the pillow. "I've tested my experiments by hiding these gems behind pieces of furniture or in boxes, and trying to pinpoint them with my magic, but nothing ever works. Gems just aren't my special talent. My only talent is being a big fraud..."

That strikes a bit a chord with you, being a changeling and all, so you try to reassure her,

“Well for a fraud, your reign has been far better than any of the other rulers."

“But that’s just it. Every major decision or act that has been made over the last month has been from you. You’re the one who has reshaped this kingdom into a better place. You’re the one who set up money makers like Y.U.M. and jobs that don’t entail mining or farming. I, on the other hoof, have still not even figured out that gem finding spell. You’re the leader here Ritz, not me,” she says sadly.

“But, you helped,” you say trying to cheer her up.

“All I did was let you go through with your plans. The only thing I’ve done is ban the 'Child Size' sodas which quite a few of the Dogs complained about,” she pouts.

"Well yeah, it sounds terrible when you say it like that." you say with a bit of a forced lighthearted laugh, "But even if you're not everything you say you are, sometimes that's all anyling needs. I mean, look out there," you say and point out the window, where the Nightmare Night festivities are being prepared. The Diamond Dogs seem a little confused about the pony holiday, but at least they're giving it a good try. "You see, we've done a lot together. I doubt things would be like this if we hadn't shown up and decided to put on the whole 'Queen and Captain' act."

"But this was all you! You're the one that whipped this place into shape, not me. I've done practically nothing but sit here on my royal butt." Trixie laments, her eyes starting to water.

"But that was important!" you counter, "By sitting on your glorious royal butt and letting these dogs see you with their crown on your head, you gave them someling to look towards for guidance. You gave them something to hope for and while you kept their attention, it freed me up to pull the strings from behind the scenes and make everything happen; I'd never get anything done if they were constantly pestering me. It's like they say... every great performer has a decent stage technician."

"You really think that Ritz?" Trixie sniffles with a teary-eyed smile.

You're a little uncomfortable seeing her like this, but you pat her on the head and tell her reassuringly, "Yeah. I really do. And besides, it was nice to play the part of the Queen's loyal Captain."

Trixie nods, and looks out the window at her people and their festivities again. Then she lets out a sad sigh and says,

"Unfortunately I think this whole act has played itself out. They might not be all that bright, but pretty soon even they're going to realize I'm all smoke and mirrors." she turns to you, "I don't want to be here when they all realize I'm a fake. I don't think I can handle going through that again."

“But Trixie, these dogs love you, I can feel it in the air whenever you appear to them.” you insist.

“I know… but that’s another reason I have to leave,” she says as she puts her head down.

“What do you mean?”

“These overly affectionate idiots love me for a lie… and I can’t do that anymore. I still haven’t figured out that gem finding spell, and I don’t think I ever will. They look up to me for something I’ll never be able to do...”

You put your hoof on her shoulder reassuringly which prompts her to continue,

“I told Sparkle that I would become Humble and Apologetic, but here I am taking advantage of a whole Kingdom while riding on the coattails of a brilliant stallion…” she says looking to you, “I have to get away. I’m a showmare, not a queen, and this past month has shown me that. Plus I ache for a home where no one expects anything of me than to entertain. So please Ritz, get me out of here in that cake so that I don’t break those idiots' hearts as I leave.”

You take your hoof off her shoulder.

"I understand. I'm just sad to leave all this behind." you tell her.

She looks at you in surprise. "You mean you're leaving too?"

"Sure, but what happens when we leave? I mean we’ve set up the most prosperous reign they’ve ever seen, what if it all falls apart once we’re gone?"

"But you're the one that accomplished all of that. You're a natural leader Ritz, you could stay and be their King."

You have to admit that the thought of King DeWitt is appealing... deliciously so, but after thinking on it a moment you shake your head,

"Nah, like I said, I'm a stage technician. I do my best work in the shadows. Being in the spotlight just isn't for me. If you'll let me, I'd like to stick with you after we skedaddle out of here."

“You don’t have to come with me Ritz, as I’ve said, YOU are the leader here. I don’t expect you to come with me.” she says sadly.

“H-hey now, don’t talk like that. I may have grown attached to these mutts, but You’re still my friend Trix, for better or for worse,” you reassure her to which she smiles.

“How about this, I help you escape, and I’ll stay behind and appoint Jim as successor and take care of some more loose ends, before I catch up to you on the road?” you ask.

She gives you a hug as she says, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,”

"It's no big deal. Really..." you say in slight embarrassment at this affection before she lets go of you to go get her bags, "Well then, help me into this cake. We've got quite a few blocks to cover before we reach the edge of town."

As you pass through the streets of Dimondia pushing the "Chocolate Cake", you see the Diamond Dogs getting ready for Nightmare Night, setting up Jack-O-Lanterns and the "Bobbling for Turnips" tubs.
You even see most of the pups running around in their Nightmare Night costumes including lightning clouds, vacuum cleaners, "Timberwolves" (covered themselves in sticks), but most of them just painted themselves to resemble the best-selling book in Dimondia ever since you and Trixie set up the public Schoolhouse (Go, Dog, Go!)

You now find you pushing a large chocolate cake through town. Whenever anyone asks you what it is or offers to help, you give some official-sounding response like "Substantial source of Diamond Dogs toxins, please stand back", "Cake scheduled for demolition by order of her highness", or "Didn't have enough icing so I'm getting a refund." You also notice that preparations for tonight are going smoothly as you can see Jack-o-Lantern everywhere and "Do Not Drink" signs being put up next to the bobbing-for-turnips tubs. You also see many of the pups already playing in costume dressed as thunderclouds, vacuum cleaners, and timberwolves, but most of them just painted themselves to resemble characters from the Kingdom's best-selling book (1).

You've just left the outskirts of the city and are about to push the cake out of town when...

You then put her in the cake and try to get out of town…but when you try to leave the border of the kingdom, she physically can’t go any further because of the collar.
It’s then that you remember what Jim said.
“D-OH!”

Suddenly the cake refuses to budge!

"What the..." you comment in confusion and look around to see nothing blocking the cake's way. You give it another shove only for it to stay completely still. Taking out a Can of WD-40, you start to spray the wheels on the cake in hopes of lubricating them when you hear an urgent whisper,

Ritz! What's going on?!

You look up to see Trixie cautiously peering out from a crack in the cake lid.

"Nothing to worry about. Wheels were just stuck." you say as you put the WD-40 away and start making some distance between you and the cake, "But just in case, I'll get a running start to ram us through." before running at full speed towards the cake.

"RITZ WAIT!"

*smash* "Ouch!" "D'oh!"

Unfortunately her warning falls on deaf ears as you slam into the cake only for Trixie to smush against an invisible wall as you smash through the cake's wooden structure and into Trixie.

"As I was TRYING to say," Trixie begins in annoyance as she shoves you off her, "It felt like I hit some invisible wall."

You're about to respond when you remember something Jim said at the coronation...

You tell Trixie that there is a problem. Specifically the crown is cursed and keeps her trapped in the kingdom.
Before you can explain how it works, and you're plan to get it off. Trixie proceeds to freak out and try to get the crown off. After failing to get it off she get's upset and starts to cry. You immediately move to calm her down and comfort her. You tell her the situation isn't as hopeless as she thinks. She proceeds to shake you like crazy exclaiming how is this mess not hopeless. After she let's you go you finally get the chance to explain how the crown works, and you're plan to get her free.
After explaining everything Trixie glomps you while saying stuff like thank you, you're the most kind clever pony i've ever met, etc. After calming Trixie realizes she's still hugging and holding you. Trixie jumps off you apologizing while her face turns red.
Curiously you think you sense some very familiar coming from Trixie directed towards you. But you dismiss it thinking you're just imagining things from the dizziness.

ONE MONTH AGO

Jim leans in and whispers to you, "Crown is enchanted. It works as a collar and a leash so that King or Queen can't leave kingdom and can't take it off either. We received it from a zebra merchant months ago. He said it was cursed, but anything that makes Queen stay and help us couldn't possibly be a curse." he says, looking quite proud of himself.

BACK TO NOW

"D'OH!"

"What?" Trixie exclaims in surprised concern.

"I just remembered what Jim said; That crown on your head is enchanted to keep you from leaving the Kingdom AND to be impossible to take off."

"What? Jim told me it was just too tight and that a message was being delivered as quickly as possible to Zebra jewelers to fix it!" Trixie exclaims as she starts trying to pull it off in a panic. After many attempts she gives up and starts crying,

"It's hopeless! HOPELESS! I'm trapped!"

"Trixie, calm down! We're not completely screwed ye-" you try to reassure her when she grabs and starts violently shaking you as she screams,

"How the buck is this not hopeless!!! They'll find out I'm a fraud and they'll form an angry mob and behead me before stuffing my corpse with goose liver just like in Les Mis!"

"Theeeey doooon't eaaaat seentiiieeentt creeeeaaatuuuuures!" you say while being shaken like a salad before managing to break free by pushing off Trixie.

After stumbling around in dizziness, you manage to lean against one of the suitcases inside the cake and say, "Look, let's get back to the castle first. Neither of us have eaten since lunch and we can think more rationally once we have some food in our bellies."

"O-Okay." Trixie says as she starts to levitate her suitcases when you interrupt,

"Leave your stuff here. I'll push the cake into those woods, hide it under some branches, and we can retrieve your stuff after we've made our escape. For now, I think her highness should let her subjects know of her approval of how they're carrying out this holiday so far..."

Down With Chrysalis comment

BACK AT THE CASTLE

After your first failed attempt at leaving Dimondia, we now find you and Trixie back in the Royal Chambers. Trixie is currently pacing around the room worried about how she's going to escape (too worried to eat) while you're currently still unclothed (in your "changeling costume") and devouring a large meal of chicken tenders, a whole fried chicken, chicken-fried bacon, sausage gravy, Buffalo Wings, Double-Downs, Monte-Cristos, a bacon-wrapped pork meatloaf, a tall stein of chocolate milk (you had the kitchen melt down one of your chocolate bars for the milk), two bottles of vanilla cola, and a Fool's Gold Loaf (you donated half your grape jelly to have the proper recipe instead of blueberry preserves as usual),.

-1/2 Large Jar of Grape Jelly
-10 Chocolate Bars
-4 Bottles of Vanilla Cola
Remaining in Saddlebags

"How can you be stuffing your face at a time like this?!" Trixie exclaims in exasperation as you squirt more mustard onto your chicken tenders,

"*gulp* Seeing how we may be leaving soon- *crunch chew gulp* I'm enjoying meat while I still can-*stuff*"

That and I'll need fuel for my healing factor in case things could to Tartarus. you think as you dip a hoofful of chicken-fried bacon in sausage gravy before stuffing them into your mouth.

"*sigh*You're gonna get SO fat. F-A-T! Sure, maybe you can get away with it now, but by the time your metabolism slows down- I mean, if there's any justice in the world... Ugh, Trixie needs a drink!"

"Can't. Alcohol is poisonous to Diamond Dogs, remember? *gulp* Want the kitchen to make you some chocolate milk?"

"Grah!" Trixie exclaims as she turns and throws her hooves up in exasperation.

As you explain to trixie her crown is cursed, your about to tell her how to get it off.....
Until you realized that you diddint know how the bucking thing worked. It was CURSED and if the bits and pieces of memory that came back to you this past month were accurate at all anything cursed would be a pain in the butt to take off, Heck the alicon amulet was cursed from what you could tell, and look at all the good it did you...

you should probably find the Chancellor and ask him about it, otherwise makeing trixie infamous would only get her killed, and waste your time if they dont even know how to reverse the curse.

Your first attempt at freeing Trixie has failed, so if you want to succeed with your second then some reconnaissance seems like a good place to start. Since Jim was the one to tell you about the crown's properties in the first place, it's likely that he can tell you how to disable it.

"Look.*gulp*" you say as you scarf down the last Double-Down and are about to tell Trixie how to get the crown off,

"In order to get the crown off you just have to...oooooooooooooooooo"

You suddenly trail off when you realize you have no idea how the gorram thing works.

"I'll go ask Jim!" you suddenly exclaim, "Yeah, since he was the one who told me about the crown's curse, logically he should also know how to take it off."

You then leave Trixianna's chambers in a haste... Only to come back a few moments later,

"Forgot my loaf." you say as you start levitating the fried chicken and the bacon-wrapped pork meatloaf and start munching on the latter as you leave the room...

SnapDrakeGames comment

After looking around the castle, you find Chancellor/Schoolmaster Jim in his office, filing some paperwork (mostly grading papers) along with the other secretaries. You casually trot up to Jim and place the whole fried chicken on his desk,

"Happy Nightmare Night." you greet.

After looking at the food in surprised for a few moments he says,

"Oh, thank you Captain. My wife asked me to bring home chicken."

"I told you, you can just call me Ritz. No need to be so formal all the time. Anyway, what's up?"

"Filing paperwork and grading papers," Jim replies, his gaze straying from his desk. "I'm almost done though. What about you?"

"Just wandering," you reply. "Training finished about an hour ago, so I'm just kind of hanging around till Nightmare Night starts. You wanna go grab a drink after you're done?"

"My apologizes, Capta-I mean Ritz," Jim apologizes. "My wife wants me to help take the pups trick-or-treating. Err- not that I'm complaining about that, mind you. I'm just a little confused on how this is all supposed to work."

"Me too!" one of the secretaries pipes up.

"Eh, it's pretty simple," you say. "You just go around to other houses in costume and get free treats."

"I understand that, but what's with this rhyme you're supposed to say?" Jim asks. "And why do you get free treats anyways? What've they done to deserve 'sweets', aside from walking around and asking for them?"

"Well, see, it's actually a cultural tradition deeply rooted in ancient- wait a moment, I'm kind of going off on a tangent here," you mutter, stopping yourself from explaining the interesting, and yet somewhat long-winded history of Nightmare Night, "The point of that rhyme is like what the donkey's call 'carrot and stick'; Give me treats or I'll play a trick on you."

"So... We're teaching our children extortion?" Jim asks in concern.

"Well... that sounds bad when you put it that way, but it's more like... 'encouraging' citizens to participate in an hallowed cultural event. Anyway, I've got a question." you say changing the subject

"Well, I think I can answer it," Jim replies. "What do you need to know?"

"Well, you know how that crown the Queen wears is curse- I mean, enchanted?" you ask. "Most enchantments of that variety usually have some special way they can be disabled... for some reason or another. Once I came across a magical amulet that could only be taken off by the wearer. Is there anything like that applicable to the crown?"

"Mmm..." Jim puts a paw to his chin. "Not that I remember-"

"Well," the secretary interrupts, "There is the contingency where we Diamond Dogs start to lose faith in her as our queen. True executive power is, of course, derived from the people. A chief executive serves at the pleasure of the electorate."

You and Jim both freeze, stunned looks aimed squarely at the secretary.

"What? I read it somewhere." he shrugs.

Turning back to Jim you say, "Okay, One; Give that secretary a promotion and a raise. And two; Thanks for the chat." before leaving the room. You then quickly pop your head back in and say,

"Oh, and three; Happy Nightmare Night, tell the wife and pups I said hello!"

Erised the ink-moth comment

Back at the Queen's chambers, you've explain to Trixie what you've learned as she's handling it with her normal grace and poise.

"WHAT?! You mean I can't leave as long at this crown is on my head AND I can't take it off unless these mutts stop liking me?!" Trixie screams.

"Well that's what I just said isn't it?" you say as you rub your ringing ear.

"But they love me! My performance as their Queen was spectacular!" Trixie panics, "They'll never hate me enough to get this stupid thing off. Which means I'l never leave. Which means They'll find out I'm a big fake! Which means I'm going to have to sit there and listen as they ridicule me for- Mmph!"

"Trixie. Calm down." you tell her as you jam a hoof in her mouth, "We just need to find a way out of this. Perhaps if we make them temporarily dislike you without revealing that you aren't the gem-finding mystic we led them to believe you wer-"

Suddenly, a brilliant idea pops into your head when you spot the area in the room where that hollow cake once stood,

"I've got it! We're gonna Nightmare Night prank the entire kingdom like they've never been pranked before." you say and deviously rub your hooves together as a wicked grin spreads across your face.

"Pranks? That's your plan for getting me out in one piece?" Trixie asks, not sure whether to take you seriously or not.

"Trust me." you tell her, "Back in my 'organiza-' I mean old job, there was one co-worker who had a pretty brutal pranking streak, everyone was fair game. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of thanks to him, and that kind of stuff..." you shudder, remembering a certain jug of 'mystery juice'. "It sticks with you. I've got enough pranks in my book, that by the time we're done, none of these dogs are going to forget tonight. And when we remind them that this will happen every year..."

Trixie actually grins along with you, "This might actually work."

"Well your highness, *neck crack* let's go show these mutts why it's called Nightmare Night."

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Go, Dog. Go! by P.D. Eastmare, protege of the greatest foal's books author in Equestrian history.

IMPORTANT: READ THIS LOADOUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT ABILITIES AND ITEMS YOU (RITZ) HAVE

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-"Changeling Costume" (Actually you wearing nothing but your hat, goggles, bracelet, and saddlebags)
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-6 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-6 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-6 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Large Bottle of Ketchup
-Large Bottle of Mustard
-10 Chocolate Bars
-1/2 Large Jar of Grape Jelly
-4 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-56 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Happy Halloween commenters. For better or worse, the Dimondia arc ends next chapter so give it all you got!

Some guidelines for next chapter;

Rainbow Dash and any of the other main ponies do NOT show up.
2. No exposing Ritz as an actual changeling.
3. It's Nightmare Night (aka the MLP analogue to Halloween) so feel free to use that for scares and costumes.
4. Remember, it's based on this comic arc;

Other than that, have fun!

Today's question is;
What is your favorite candy?
Seeing how it's the day of free sweets, let us know what candy's your favorite. See you then!

Chapter 14: Dimondia Escape, Take 1

BrownDog77 comment

As you and "Queen Trixianna" sit in her chambers, she gives you an unsure look.

“Are you sure we have to go pranking? It seems somewhat juvenile,” asks Trixie.

You give her a roll of the eyes before explaining

“Look Trix, all we have to do is upset enough dogs long enough to take the crown off. Sure they’ll be mad and upset at the moment, but pranks always get laughed off after the fact. And by the time they are laughing and forgiving you, the crown will be off and we can leave.”

“That does sound logical, but then when I’m actually gone, they’ll think it’s a prank, and be even more upset when they find out it’s not,” she says.

“Well unless you have any better suggestions, I don’t see any other options. Seriously, what other way can a politician offend their constituents for a short time before they go back to not caring?”

“Hmmm… what if we preformed a minor scandal? Something low-tier that will make them upset, but won’t be bad in the long run?” she muses.

“Well that could work I suppose, what do you have in mind?” you ask as she gives you a smile as she levitates a camera out of a desk.

“Something trashy and scandalous,” she says as she walks over to you giving you a funny look.

“Like what?” you ask nervously.

“This,” she says as she suddenly wraps her arms around you and pulls your lips into hers, your eyes going wide, before being blinded by the bright flash of the camera.

“Gyagh,” you say as you pull back and rub your spotted eyes. “The heck was that?” you stammer blushing.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist the theatrics,” she says with her own blush as she takes the picture out of the camera, “And Eureka, Scandal Exhibit A.”

She shows you the picture of you two kissing, with your surprised eyes prevalent and you blush even harder.

“How is this scandalous?” you ask, storing the emotion from that kiss in your internal batteries.

“Well Ritz, how shocking would it be if 'Somepony' were to leak this photograph to the local paper of their pure and innocent queen fornicating with her own Captain of the Guard? Queen Trixianna isn’t pure nor a role model for this type of behavior, and they will lose their faith in me.”

You know where she’s going with this. Sex Scandals were a favorite tool of Changelings to disrupt the status Quo, and cause distrust, but you think it’s lacking.

“First of all, you could have asked if you wanted a kiss Trix,” she chuckles and rubs the back of her head at that, “and second this is tame compared to some of the sex scandals I’ve seen. This is just kissing,” you point out.

“Your argument is valid, but unless you wish to take more risqué photographs between the two of us, I believe this will be enough.”

“Well, no…" you stammer, "Pups could be reading,”

“My thoughts exactly, now come along, let’s go discredit myself,” she says leading the way back down stairs.

When you enter the lobby again, you voice your concerns once more.

“I still don’t think this will be enough.”

“Oh fine, you want proof, watch this,” she says as she walks over to the secretary dog (who really does need a raise) and 'Accidentally' drops the picture on his desk.

“Oh no, I 'Accidentally' dropped this picture of my sordid love affair, Oh me, Oh my…” she says in horrible acting to which you facehoof.

“Oh, don’t worry your highness, let me grab that for you,” says the secretary as he picks up the photo and hands it to her.

“There you go, nice picture by the way,” he says.

“Wh-what?” asks Trixie flabbergasted.

“The picture, it’s a nice angle,” repeats the dog.

“Are you not shocked and outraged by this photograph?” she asks.

“Um…should I be? It’s just you two kissing” he says uncertainly

“But I, the pure and noble queen have been caught having an affair with my dutiful and chaste Captain,” she says flabbergasted.

“Hey, I’m not chaste!” you say indignantly.

“But, you two are a couple right?”

“Wh-what? Why would you think that?” she asks.

“Well we found both of you together, you made him your captain, he carried you to your room after your coronation, you stick together day and night, I mean heck, the whole Kingdom thinks you’re a thing,” he explains.

“They do?” you both ask.

“Oh definitely, I ship it,” he says with a chuckle.

Both you and Trixie give each other a nervous look before quickly looking back to him.

“That’s all circumstantial,” you explain.

“Oh, well I guess it’s official now then huh? Just know that I’m so happy for the two of you,” he says before he looks down and starts getting back to work, humming happily.

You both stare at him, before you both wordlessly and walk back upstairs not looking at each other. Once back in her chambers, Trixie turns around and says,

“Agree that my plan was terrible?”

“Agreed.”

“Agree to forget about this awkward situation?” she says.

“Already forgotten.”

“Agree to prank these jump to conclusion curs like there’s no tomorrow?”

“Bring it.” you smirk.

“Good,” she nods and walks off to a big table with paper and pencils on it.

“So what kind of pranks did you have in mind Captain?” Trixie asks.

First, Trixie and Ritz decide to search for a costume for her, but nothing seems to like her majesty, so in the end she go without costume.

"Well before we can get started on any of that, it's still Nightmare Night so we need to get you in a costume."

"I would agree with you, but I left all my costumes and many of my props in my wagon at the edge of this kingdom. Speaking of which, why hasn't it been brought to the castle yet?"

"Because..." you're about to answer when you trail off as you don't really have a good reason for not getting around to moving Trixie's wagon into the castle in the month you've both been there.

"Bureaucracy?" you offer uncertainty.

Trixie just rolls her eyes,

"Fine, I'll just keep my regal cape and crown. Sometimes expediency outweighs originality."

"Actually, this may be a good thing." you realize, "Now we don't need to figure out how to smuggle something as large as your wagon out of the kingdom and it can just be waiting for us when we make our escape. Anyway, getting back on topic..."

Use gorilla glue on every chair you see :)

Nice, but you don't have glue.

Put piranhas in the bobbing for turnips. Real world piranhas, not the fictional devour any flesh in sight kind.

Too dangerous and Dimondia doesn't have a notable fishing industry anyway (outside of fishing for fun and relaxation).

Hmm, maybe he could climb up to the top of the castle, yell for the diamond dogs attention, take every toilet paper roll in the entire kingdom, and TP EVERYTHING! Did I do good?

Well there's always the classic teepeeing someones house.

One thing s Trixie is usually very skilled at in most stories is illusions. So about using Trixie's skill with illusion spells to help pull pranks. One options you can use is make the Diamond DOGS looks like Diamond CATS. But it backfires when the Dogs use this chance to mock Cats.

Time for Pranking! ...Oh in my case, some pranking backfires! Mwahahahahahahah!
Time for Pranking! ...Oh in my case, some pranking backfires! Mwahahahahahahah!
Next, try to prank some of the head dogs by super glueing them together...only to have their popularity increase because of their great team work during a {Insert Contest soon).

Kichi comment

ONE PRANKING SPREE LATER

"Is there anything these mutts won't put up with!" Trixie exclaims in annoyance.

"Well dogs are known for their loyalty after all..." you reply.

We find you both back in Queen Trixianna's chambers as your ideas had... unorthodox results to say the least;

-You snuck up on some of your Guards and duct taped some of their limbs together, but it just gave them an edge in the six-pawed-race.

-You sprayed the barrack floors with WD-40 so everydog would start slipping and tripping everywhere and claimed it was on orders of the Queen, but they thought it was just part of their training.

-You went for the holiday classic of TP-ing the Kingdom, but the Diamond Dogs think you're just helping them decorate.

-You even had Trixie use her illusion spells to make all the Diamond Dogs in the kingdom look like cats, but this backfires as they use this to make fun of cats and have even more fun so Trixie stops the illusion.

To sum it all up: Everytime you and Trixie attempt to prank the Diamond Dogs, they think the Queen is just having fun and participating in the spirit of the new holiday, ironically increasing their faith in her.

"At this rate I'll be trapped here forever thanks to your stupid ideas!" Trixie groans.

"Well what do you want me to do? Pull a zebra out of my hat?" you snark.

"Last Trixie checked, that trick only works with a top or magician's hat." Trixie snarks back, "But getting serious, maybe we can ask that zebra for help? Or even send a letter to Princess Celestia? One royal to another."

"Uhhh..." you begin as you really don't want the royal alicorns getting involved.

The Queen got lucky with one alicorn. What the buck am I supposed to do against 2 or 3?! you think, I'd be locked up forever and then I'd never find out if my Hive is okay or not-But then again considering the Queen's temperament- Gah! Focus!

"I would not recommend that." you suggest, "While we know you changed, Twilight is Celestia's student so she probably already knows what happened back at Ponyville by now so she's not going to believe either of us-."

"What? But the Great and Apologetic Trixie was brainwashed by that amulet!" Trixie interrupts.

"Yes, but who knows if they'll believe us. Do you really want to take a chance on being thrown in jail, turned to stone, banished to the moon, or even all of the above?"

Taking your warning into consideration, Trixie says,

"Well... Perhaps it would be best to just stay under the radar until Princess Celestia forgets about the... 'incident'. But what about that zebra? If this was cursed by a zebra, maybe another zebra could help me."

"But we don't know any other zebras." you counter, "And even if we did, I doubt that every Zebra knows about potions and spells. That would be like thinking that every Earth Pony only worked in agriculture. Besides, the only Zebra we know of is around Ponyville and I've already made clear why we should avoid that place."

"Then let's go to war!" Trixie suddenly proclaims to your shock, "We'll have the Varangians spearhead an all-out assault on Ponyville and then maybe we sack the town to find something that could help- What in Celestia's name am I saying?" Trixie sobers up as she shakes her head to snap out of it.

"Crown must be on too tight. Not enough blood getting to your brain or something like that" you suggest.

"Well... Trixie doesn't have any more ideas. What about you?"

"Hmmm... *ding*"

BrownDog77 comment

"You still have fireworks?" you ask.

"Yes, back at the trailer, why?"

"Well judging by the amount of Diamond Dogs dressed as vacuum cleaners, lightning clouds, and crash cymbals, it's safe to assume that they really don't like loud noises-"

"Then we use the fireworks to make the Diamond Dogs lose faith in me long enough to get the crown off! Ritz you're a genius!" Trixie exclaims, hugging you.

Blushing slightly you say, "N-no need to thank me Trix. Just tell me where the wagon is so I can get the fireworks while you stay here and distract them with your presence."

"Northwest of here." Trixie responds.

"On it." you salute before running out the door.

"Oh, and it's under a cloaking spell at the moment so you need-"

"Oh, before I forget," you say popping your head back in the door, "Happy Nightmare Night!" before leaving.

NORTH BY NORTHWEST OF DIMONDIA

"Where is that gorram wagon?" you say to yourself in annoyance as you've been looking around the area for half an hour without luck. You found the mud pit that Trixie dropped her stuff in a month ago, but no sign of the wagon anywhere.

"Wait, Trixie's an illusionist. She must have used a cloaking spell." you theorize before slipping the Multi-Vision Goggles out of your hat and onto your eyes before turning them on and setting them to "X-ray mode". Looking around the forest, you see various animal skeletons moving around before you see a what looks like... a tiny cabin levitating off the ground?

"Bingo." you say as you approach the wagon, open the door, and enter as you deactivate, retract, and slide the goggles back up your forehead and under your Bowler hat.

After some digging around (and briefly patching a few cracks here and there with duct tape) you find a box filled with plenty of bottle rockets, fireworks, and sparklers, so you take the whole box. When you close the door to the trailer, you notice one of the fireworks is a massive metal rocket named "The Komodo 3000". Your curiosity (and your love of explosions cultivated from years of action flicks) piqued, you plant the massive firework, take out the Gold Cigarette Lighter, and light the fuse before running off to a safe distance with the box of fireworks. However, you didn't plant it firmly enough so it tips over to its side before the fuse burns up, blasts off through the trees, past terrified animals, and over a hill before you hear a massive explosion that shakes the area, knocks you down, and turns the dark dusk sky bright as noon for a few moments.

Getting back to your hooves, you run over to the top of the hill and see a large crater where a part of the forest should be. Whistling at the sheer size of the crater you muse to yourself,

“Okay... Note to Self: Don't use the big ones. Wouldn't want to blow up any hous- Hello..."

Your eyes light up when you notice that the crater has a sizable number of twinkling gems in it. You quickly jot down the location of this gem crater.

At least we can leave these dogs a parting gift when we ditch em. you think to yourself a you put the crate of fireworks on your back and run back to Dimondia.

It may be Dimondia's first Nightmare Night, but it's one that they are NEVER going to forget...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

"LOADOUT" is in previous chapter and hasn't changed.

Sorry for the short chapter, didn't have enough comments to end the arc so I'll repeat what I said last chapter;

For better or worse, the Dimondia arc ENDS next chapter so give it all you got!

And guidelines;
1. Rainbow Dash and any of the other main ponies do NOT show up.
2. No exposing Ritz as an actual changeling.
3. It's Nightmare Night (aka the MLP analogue to Halloween) so feel free to use that for scares and costumes.
4. Remember, it's based on this comic arc;

Also, nopony answered last episode's question, I'll repeat it louder;

What is your favorite candy?
Seeing how it's [was] the day of free sweets, let us know what candy's your favorite. See you then!

Have fun.

Chapter 15: Dimondia Escape, Take 2 (Arc Finale)

Anyway... try to scare the DDs severely enough that they pretty much throw you and Trixie out of the kingdom.

That's the plan. you think as you carry the box of fireworks on your back into the castle while quickly writing a letter in your telekinetic grasp, the costumed Varangian Guards (1) giving you a respectful nod as you pass. You find Queen Trixianna is giving a speech about the Kingdom's first Nightmare Night on the castle's highest tower and call...

SnapDrakeGames comment

Down with Chrysalis comment

"Hey, Trixie! I've got the fireworks. You ready to give these mutts the greatest scare they've ever known?" as you finish the letter and put it under your Bowler hat.

"Oh, you bet it," Trixie replies, grinning maniacally, "While you were out, Trixie thought of the most devious visual accompaniment to our scheme. It's glorious if I do say so myself."

As you look down at the Diamond Dogs, you notice that you can see the rough shapes of trick-or-treating Diamond Dogs below.

"Well this is Dimondia's highest tower." you mutter-comment.

"Now sit back and watch this," Trixie grins. She turns to the sky, and fires a bolt of magic towards the heavens that explodes with an earth-shattering noise that rattles throughout the kingdom. Below, you see every Diamond Dog give a start with fright and turn their gazes upwards. Some smoke remains behind from the explosion, glowing dusty blue against the dark night, but now it's your turn to give a small gasp as the smoke shimmers and shifts, taking shape of something terrifying.

"Presenting," Trixie cried with glee, "The Storm-Vacuum Cymbals!" An indescribable sight fills the sky, an amalgamation of every canine's worst dreams, and it looks...

"Stupid." you mutter to yourself, staring at the strange sight filling the atmosphere before you realize what you said and quickly backtrack, "Uh, with all due respect your highness."

"...Buck. You're right." Trixie groans at the sorry image spread across the inky night. "I guess those things just... don't work in combination." Even now you can hear great peals of laughter rising from the throngs of dogs below.

"Don't worry," you say, gritting your teeth. "We aren't through yet. Clifford! Jip!"

At that call, a pair of Varangians dutifully appear,

"Go find Chancellor Jim and tell him his presence is requested at the main stage. Dismissed."

With a salute, the heavy tut-adorned guards rush off as you and Trixie run downstairs while the rest of the Diamond Dog audience continues to laugh at Trixie's 'monster'.

"Ow! This crown is getting tighter!" Trixie exclaims.

"They must have thought you were giving them a show to kick off this holiday." you suggest.

"In that case we better get this show on the road before Trixie's head pops off like a champagne bottle!" Trixie responds as you both reach the main stage in front of the castle. As Trixie directs the helper dogs in setting up the stage, you're about to help when you hear,

"Mr. Ritz?"

You turn and smile when you see Jim approaching.

"Jim, there you are." you greet, "I have a letter for you." you say as you start to take out the letter when he interrupts,

"Actually I have something for you." he says as he takes out a small purple velvet box.

"Ummmm... I'm... flattered, but aren't you married with pups?"

"What?" Jim asks in confusion before realizing what you meant, "Oh, this isn't a ring box, it's a medal holder."

You're about to say something in confusion when Jim opens the box revealing a badge in the form of a golden star with white enamel, with a red enamel pentagon behind it; the central disc bearing tiny diamond gem stars arranged in a hexagram on a blue enamel background within a golden ring; Golden hawks with spread wings standing between the points of the star attached to a purple ribbon with white edge stripes and a platinum bone between the stripes on the ribbon.

"On behalf of Her Highness, Lady of the First Order, Queen Trixianna the First and the canines of Dimondia, I am proud to bestow upon you the first Star of Zeal, our kingdom's new highest honor, in recognition of all the loyal service you have done for the Kingdom of Dimondia." (2)

Stunned at this declaration, you can't help but stutter a bit as guilt tears at your mind,

"I... I don't know what to say..."

Great, now I feel bad. Stupid conscienc- *poink* "OW!"

But Jim pins the medal onto your changeling "costume"... meaning he just unwittingly stabbed you in the chest.

"I must say the detail you put into making a chitin-like shell for your costume is incredible." Jim comments.

"Yes. Costume..." you say through gritted teeth as you force a smile onto your mouth and salute.

"Dimondia Star of Zeal Medal"
added to Inventory

"Ritz, go prepare the 'surprises' and get me an audience!" you hear Trixie order.

"On it! Guards! Order all citizens to the courtyard in front of the main stage. That's a Royal order!" you say as you run off to set up the fireworks...

30 MINUTES LATER

BrownDog77 comment

See a pink star surrounded by some white stars in the distance.
"Trixie doesn't remember buying that." Trixie comments, but seeing how you have an escape plan in progress, you both just shrug it off.

We now see you walking on stage before a gathered crowd of Dimondia's citizens before turning to them and declaring,

"GOOOOOOD MORNING, DIMONDIA!!!"

"But it not morning." one citizen points out.

"Yeah, it's night."

"Nightmare Night to be specific." one of the pups says, her education evident.

"Well saying 'good night' usually ends something plus it's morning for nocturnal beings so my point still stands. Anyway-" you correct before declaring, "You all enjoy that display earlier?"

The crowd cheers at that declaration.

"Well that's just the appetizer for tonight's full course meal of scares! Now presenting the entree of the evening, her Highness, Lady of the First Order, QUEEN TRIXIANNA THE FIRST!!!"

The crowd goes wild as you Force Pull the stage lever to pull back the curtains revealing Queen Trixianna in her purple cape and crown.

“Gaze upon your Queen you curs, and fear hear spectacular wrath!” she says as she starts setting off fireworks.

Many of the dogs fold their ears back and whine at the spectacular.

"My ears!"

"Too loud!"

"I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!" one dog screams before making a beeline for the exit-

*CRASH*

Only to smash facefirst into an invisible dome forcefield.

“No leaving until the performance is done by Royal Decree!” you declare from the side as Trixie had used her magic to place an invisible dome around the courtyard and stage.

“Please Queen Trixianna, this is too scary!” cry many of the adults, while lots of pups hug onto their legs. You feel a bit bad about that, but that crown has got to come off!

“It’s Nightmare Night! Being Scared is a Must!” you yell, setting off your own set of fireworks. They launch into the air and show images of cute animals, and happy smiley faces, but the Dogs all hunker down, whining and holding their ears.

“Too true Captain DeWitt, now listen to your Queen’s tale of how she defeated an Ursa Major!!” she yells, sending up another firework that magically shows an image of a giant bear.

“I thought that was a lie,” you whisper to her.

“Yes, but at this point, it’s all I got,” she says and begins telling about how she single-hoofidly struck down the mighty bear, complete with more fireworks of various colors when suddenly you see a bright pink six-point star surrounded by some white stars in the distance.

"Didn't even know rockets could fly that far." you comment.

"Trixie doesn't remember buying that." Trixie comments, but seeing how you have an escape plan in progress, you both just shrug it off.

“I can’t take it anymore!” a male dog says as he rushes to the bubble and starts trying to dig under it… only to find that the invisible forcefield dome is actually a sphere.

“I learned from last time,” she winks at you to which you smirk back.

“Please your highness, this little show is unpleasant to us. Think about your people.” Jim pleads.

“Whatever do you mean Jim? I am thinking of our people by giving them a true Nightmare Night!”

“But there was nothing in Mr. DeWitt’s report about fireworks!” he begs.

Trixie sets off another round of fireworks, causing dogs to hit the dirt clutching their ears.

“I have altered the report, pray I don’t alter it any further.”

Jim attempts to stop the display by running at the rockets, but you notice this and yell,

“TREASON!” as you tackle him off the stage. The dogs all start voicing their outrage and even the guards start looking conflicted as Jim looks up at you in sadness.

“Ritz... why?” he asks hurt.

“Just play along, no matter what happens, there is a master plan in place,” you whisper to him as you slip an envelope into his clothes,

“Read this when it’s all over, you’re going to like what it says.”

He nods at this and goes along with your plan by lying still as you call to Trixie,

“Alright, I neutralized the heckler, tell them about how you defeated the dragon your highness.”

“Oh of course! Well you see, there was this giant red fire breathing DRAGON!!!” she shouts as Sparklers erupt on all sides of her.

“And I defeated him by giving him ALL THE DIAMONDS AND JEWELS I COULD FIND! WILLINGLY!”

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”

“NOOOOO!!!”

“The Horror! The Horror!” cry out the dogs.

“Yes, and should I, Trixianna the first ever encounter a dragon problem, that shall be my plan as well, FOR WE HAVE PLENTY!” this is followed by a dollar symbol firework explosion... and then the boos.

“Booo”

“Get off the stage!”

“Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”

“No! Don’t throw all those conveniently placed vegetables at your Queen, she would hate it immensely!” you yell in a disguised voice from within the crowd, causing them all to look to their feet at all the vegetables you sneakily placed at their paws.

“Yeah, she wouldn’t like it." one dog says.

"Throw em!” and they all begin throwing vegetables on stage, pelting Trixie and ruining her clothes. She gives you the stink eye from stage, but you just chuckle.

“Why, is that any way to treat your Queen?!” she 'huffs.'

“You hurt our ears and ruined Nightmare Night!” they cry out indignantly.

“Why, it’s as if you all don’t have faith in me anymore!”

“That’s right! Booooo!” they chant as you start backing up through the crowd.

Trixie then grabs the crown on her head and lifts it up, crying convincingly.

“Well if that’s the case, let me introduce you to my next trick; The disappearing Queen!” before throwing the crown down and suddenly a blinding flash of light goes off in front of Trixie followed by the deafening crack of thunder and an obscuring thundercloud as all the Diamond Dogs scream in fear at this assault on their senses.

About time I got to use one of those orbs. you comment as you use this chaos to slip through the crowds and into the nearby shadows.

"3 Thundercloud Orbs"
remaining

As the cloud clears, the dogs notice that the dome is gone... as is Trixie and Ritz, all that's left being her cape and the crown where she once stood.

“Huh? Where did the Queen go?” they ask, not noticing her hauling tail into the distance.

“Oh no, we broke her heart and drove her away!” some of them cry out.

Erised the Ink-Moth comment

The dogs start to panic, thinking that yet another ruler has abandoned them: Ttheir most loved and successful one to boot. During the resulting riot as the dogs start upending food stands and dismantling the stage in search of Trixie, you see that the showmare didn't manage to get far before her smoke cover blew away as she's now hiding behind a dumpster in a nearby alleyway.

"Huh, well she's getting better." you comment with minor sarcasm. You can still remember when you could see her running away after using that trick; at least this time she had the good sense to hide.

"Sup?" you greet her from the shadows.

She gets startled and almost screams, but you quickly shush her with a hoof.

"Nice work out there." you compliment, "A little over the top though."

You remove your hoof as she flashes you a smirk. "Honestly Ritz, would the great and powerful Trixie provide anything less." she risks a peek out of her cover and whispers to you, "Now let's get out of here before they find us."

"Just a sec." you mutter and light up one of your heavenly cherry-vanilla cigarettes.

13 cigarettes remaining

"Really Ritz? You choose now of all times for a cigarette?" Trixie says raising a skeptical brow.

In response you puff a cloud of smoke in her face. "Yup. Why? Do you have a better way to stop them from smelling us?"

Trixie nods. "I can see your point. Ugh, the first thing Trixie is doing when we get out of here is buying some perfume."

"One step at a time babe. Aquilla talon." you tell her and activate your bracer. You offer her a hoof which she takes and holds on to you as you use your grappling hook to carry you both to the top of some nearby buildings before the two of you manage to Assassins Vow your way across the rooftops to the edge of the kingdom.

As panic starts among the dogs, you briefly stop and watch from a distant wall as Trixie goes on ahead to wear her fake cake of luggage as while Jim takes out and reads the letter.

Dear Jim,

Trixie was unhappy with her life and even though she didn't want to break the hearts of her subjects, she had to. We hope that you won’t be too angry with us, and that you keep expanding the Kingdom and remember our legacy in good light. We apologize for bailing, but as a condolence, here is the directions and coordinates to a recently discovered Gem Field.

Live Long and Prosper My Friend,

Captain Ritz DeWitt and Trixie Lulamoon aka ex-Queen Trixianna.

P.S. You’re the king now Jim. Hail to the King Baby.

You see Jim chuckle as he calms everyone down and declares that he has been appointed ruler and that a new Gem Field has been found causing everyone to cheer. With a smile, you take a mental snapshot and continue on your way, knowing that everything will be alright and that Diamondia is in his capable paws as chants of "Trixie" fill the night sky.

When you get back to the wagon, you see Trixie just arriving with her (partially broken) cake full of suitcases, looking back at the kingdom in sadness.

“Well that went smoothly, could have done without the vegetables, but it is done. I still feel bad about hurting their feelings though,” she says.

“Oh don’t worry about them, they’re in good paws,” you say as you pat her back.

She nods and sniffles before turning around.

“So… Where to now? You ask.”

“Well, without money, nowhere in particular,” she says downtrodden.

“Oh yeah, I forgot, I may have snagged a few chests of gems from that new field,” you smirk as you open the Wagon's door to reveal the gleaming jewelry.

Have Trixie be so happy to get the crown off. She end's up kissing Ritz in her excitement. After she realizes what she did she apologize and explains she got caught up in the moment. All while blushing so strong her blue coat is now dark red.

“Ritz! You magnificent bastard!” she exclaims as she wraps her forelegs around you and presses her lips against yours in joy. When she lets go she starts squeeing,

“Why with this, I can afford advertising, new equipment. Maybe even theatre space!”

"Uh... Er..." you say while in a post-kiss stun.

Suddenly Trixie turns dark red as the realization of what she just did dawns on her,

"O-oh Ritz! I-I'm so sorry for that! I just got caught up in the momen-"

Shaking your head to snap out of it, you blush and quickly say,

“T-think nothing of it. Anyway where should we head first then?” in an attempt to change the subject.

“Well my father always said, go big or go home, but seeing as how I have no home..." she ponders, thankful for the change in subject, "Let’s go for broke Ritz, let’s go to Carneighie Hall!”

You choke as she says that,

“Carneighie? Don’t you think that’s a bit of a jump?” you exclaim.

“No guts no glory! Trixie has had alot of time to perfect her craft while Queen of Dimondia and with this chest of gems I'm sure to get a spot!" Trixie exclaims confidently as she uses her magic to put on her magician's hat along with another cape, "Now help me load my wardrobe and props into the wagon so we can put some distance between us and our former Kingdom. Trixie knows of a train station a few hours northwest of here."

As you and Trixie start loading the suitcase from the 'cake' to the wagon you think,

Manehattan huh? Not the best city for feeding on love, but still the best for blending in...

THE NEXT MORNING

We now find you and Trixie in the dining car of a train heading to Manehattan. You both had just woken up a few moments ago so Trixie is dropping some sugarcubes (that you loaned her) in a cup of coffee while you're wearing your 47 Suit, Red Scarf, and Bowler Hat while speaking to the waite-

"What do you mean I can't order 5 eggs and bacon platters with 5 plates of biscuits and sausage gravy?" you demand.

"I'm sorry sir, but those are breakfast menu items and dining car policy is that we stop serving breakfast at 11am and it's currently 12:24."

Wait, that would mean it's noon. Uh... stand by...

THE NEXT MORNING CORRECTION: NOON THE NEXT DAY

We now find you and Trixie in the dining car having lunch, understandably sleeping in late due to Nightmare Night and those hours getting to the train station, purchasing train tickets, making sure the wagon was securely onboard the box car, boarding the late-night train for Manehattan, and sleeping in the cabin (separate bunk beds... in different sides and ends of the car due to what happened last night).

While the correction to the time card was being made, Trixie stepped into the argument and reminded you that there's no meat in Equestria and places her order,

"Trixie just woke up so she'll just have the fruit salad and more coffee. Extra Prench Vanilla Cream."

"Get me 6 plates of grilled cheese with chili cheese hayfries, 3 bowls of creamy tomato soup, 2 Blooming Onions with thousand island dressing dip, a whole cherry pie a la mode, and-"

"A diet cola?" Trixie snarks.

"Pfft, to Tartarus with that 'diet' nonsense. I'll have a pitcher of Roy Rogers. Oh, and a newspaper." you order causing Trixie to roll her eyes at your appetite.

"Your meals will be here shortly and that'll be two bits for a paper."

You hoof the waiter a pair of Bits and he hooves you a newspaper back as Trixie continues drinking her coffee.

54 Bits remaining

As you're about to open the newspaper to get an update on the pony world, the headline makes your eyes bulge out and your jaw slam into the ground (if it wasn't held in by your scarf) in shock,

Welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) For whatever reason, these large, beefy, heavily armored, elite (well... elite by diamond dog standards) guards decided to be ballerinas for Nightmare Night.

(2) The original version was "The Gold Bone of Obedience" which was simply a Gold Bone on a silk string until Queen Trixianna revamped the design and name. The Star of Zeal also guarantees the wearer a 25% discount at any Y.U.M. food cart or restaurant (latter still in planning stages) as long as she or he is wearing it when ordering.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 14 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter

-Dimondia Star of Zeal Medal
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)
-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-3 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-6 Cans of Apple Slices
-6 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-6 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-6 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Large Bottle of Ketchup
-Large Bottle of Mustard
-10 Chocolate Bars
-1/2 Large Jar of Grape Jelly
-4 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-54 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Well commenters, Dimondia and ~~Halloween~~ Nightmare Night are in the rearview mirror and we're setting up for "Manehattan Mysteries" arc next;

But for now we're having a breather chapter on board this train to Manehattan.

The answer to the question: What is your favorite candy?

Reeses! Reeces! REECES! IS THIS LOUD ENOUGH?

And Fireheart's right, Reeces for life!

In the meantime, for the question...
Browndog and Fireheart, I'm with you guys. Reese's is my favorite, especially when used in smores.

I concur with Fireheart 1945, BrownDog77, and Erised the ink-moth, I don't just like Reese peanut butter cups, but I also love the cereal, the crunchy sticks, AND the peanut butter chocolate spread.

Don't expose Ritz, have fun, and...

Chapter 16: Manehattan Chew Choo

Trixie spits her coffee in your face in shock at this news... Her very HOT coffee...

nightmaster0 comment

"Is something wrong Ritz?" Trixie asks worriedly after seeing your expression.

"Um... Trixie you may want to see this, but you have to try to keep calm." you say as you show Trixie the headline as she drinks her coffee.

Suddenly her expression just freezes and her left eye starts twitching like crazy until she lets out a cry that can be heard throughout a third of Equestria;

*PFFFT*

"MY EYES!"

"WHAT THE BUCK?!!! HOW COULD TWILIGHT SPARKLE BE AN ALICORN PRINCESS!?" Trixie screams while clutching the newspaper in both hooves while you're rolling on the floor and clutching your eyes in pain as Trixie just spit her cup of hot coffee in your face in shock at the headline.

"THE SUGAR! IT BURRRRNS!!!"

"Now how is Trixie suppose to keep up with her? What kind of rival can Trixie be to a princess?" Trixie sadly mumbles to herself.

Quickly invoking your healing factor after using your scarf to wipe off the coffee, you then proceed to comfort Trixie,

"Don't worry about it. Just because Twilight's a princess now doesn't mean that you aren't still 'The Great and Powerful Trixie'." saying the last part in an imitation of Trixie's own boasting which gets a giggle out of her.

"I mean Twilight's a new player in this alicorn game so she's obviously nowhere near Celestia, Luna, or even Cadance's levels yet. Trust me, she has a long way to go."

"But just that fact that she's an alicorn now automatically puts her leagues ahead of mere unicorns in terms of raw magical power." Trixie points out.

"Pfft" you dismiss, "That doesn't mean alicorn's are invincible. I mean look at King Sombra; The guy was able to hold his own against both Princesses at once in their prime in spite of just being a 'mere unicorn'."

Trixie gives you an annoyed 'not helping' glare as you both sit in awkward silence for a few moments.

"Okay, bad example."

"That's an understatement." Trixie snarks.

"But the point is that it IS possible for unicorns to keep up with alicorns. I mean who knows, perhaps one day you'll become an alicorn."

"Do you really think so?"

"Hey, if Twilight can do it, then surely it shouldn't be a problem for 'THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE'!"

You both share a laugh at this Trixie imitation,

"Thanks Ritz. I needed that." Trixie says with a slight blush.

"I mean what's the worse that could-"

BrownDog77 comment

Love the Changeling comment

ONE "YOU-JUST-HAD-TO-SAY-IT" AND A MONTH AGO

"Hold it right there!"

"Great." you mutter as you turn to see Twilight coming up to confront you,

"What was the idea with all that heckling huh? Did you want Trixie to beat me?"

"Hey, I was just playing the part. You won so why does it matter?"

"It matters because you were making me angry and intentionally stressing out Trixie into making mistakes. It's like you were playing both of us and not caring which side won."

"Hey, I was looking out for the rest of the town. If you lost, I'd still be in her good books and keep the town from becoming a complete dictatorship. If you won, which you did anyway, then everything goes back to normal."

She shakes her head, "Even so, that was still a very reckless gamble. Your heckling could have caused the situation to get out of hoof and hurt the town! Were you really looking out for the town, or were just looking out for yoursel-"

"Alright alright, I can read the writing on the wall." you angrily interrupt as you take out the Gold Cigarette Case, "Your friends already gave me this spiel a few seconds ago so I know when I'm not wanted." you add as you take out one of your cigarettes for a smoke when suddenly it's telekinetically yanked out of your grasp.

"Are you crazy!?"

"Hey!" you exclaim in annoyance.

"Ponyville is a smoke-free town! Plus studies have shown that they are the leading cause of-"

"Hey, Twilight, it's raining." you snark causing her to look up in confusion.

"What? It's clear skies. There's no rai-"

"Exactly. It's raining to amount of bucks I give!" you exclaim as you grab the cigarette back, "My lungs. My call." you mutter as you light up the cigarette, before finishing it in a long quick drag, and blowing it out in a sizable smoke cube.

"Bye." you say curtly as you flick the cigarette butt away and leave the bookworm in shock.

BACK TO NOW

“Ohhhh... Buck." you say as Twilight becoming a princess actually hits you.

I just told off and blew smoke at Equestria's newest princess who now the authority to jail and execute those she hates…

A moment of silence passes

Well, I now have more reason to avoid Ponyville, the residents hate me, the Elements hate me more, and Twilight can squash a lone changeling with her magi-

Your thoughts are interrupted when the waiters arrive with your meals (which barely fits on the table with the quantity you ordered). You start eating as you continue musing your situation.

Okay, her and any of her freinds could do that before, but still. It's not like I needed another complication to my continued survival.

“Yeaaaahhh… Note to self: NEVER go back to Ponyville.” you mutter as you stuff a tomato-soup-dipped grilled cheese sandwich into your mouth, looking at Trixie eating her fruit salad as you chew,

And that's not even counting on the shenanigans that Trixie will drag me into...

“Well… it matters not, so what if Sparkle became a princess, Trixie was a Queen. By definition that means I was royally better than she can ever be so ha!” Trixie suddenly rationalizes.

“Y-Yeah *gulp*" you add, trying to bring some levity to your thoughts, "I mean she just has... wings now." before stuffing a hoofful of chili cheese fries in your mouth.

“Oh pfft, what would Trixie need with wings anyway? Trixie is not keen on leaving the ground thank you very much. Also, Sparkle will have to deal with preening, feathers in her bed, and being unable to sleep on her back now. Either way, Trixie is still better off.”

“If you say so Trix.”

twis a princess? you must have really been out of the loop, you decide to flip through the news paper to seewhat else, if any, has changed.

Erised the ink-moth

If Twilight becoming a princess is the headline, who knows how much Equestria's changed while I've been gone.

With that you proceed to start reading the newspaper, holding it with your hooves as you use your telekinesis to continuing eating;

Princess Luna: Princess of the night, or Mrs. Sandmare?,

With evidence gathered by our surveyors across Equestria, it would seem that our beloved Princess of the night, once thought aloof and shut away from us all, has become closer to us all than we ever thought possible! One little pegasus filly from the small town of Ponyville told us her tale.

"It was Awesome! I was really scared on a camping trip with my friends and their sisters; I couldn't get any sleep at all. But Princess Luna came into my dream and helped me face my fears! Ten outta ten: best Princess!"

Many other young sources have also reported similar incidents. And while skeptics fear this kind of power breeches their privacy, many others are quick to denounce their worries. So for all of you laying restless in bed, rest assured, Princess Luna is there for you.

"Oh buck me..." you mutter through a mouthful of fried onion and painfully swallow before thinking,

Princess Luna can see into my dreams? Why is she allowed to do that? I mean for buck sake, what if there's something I really don't want her to see?! (Like the fact that I'm a changeling, for instance). Maybe nightmare fuel will keep her at bay. Guess I better double down on the creepypastas and horror movies.

You're about to continue reading when you mentally add,

Neighponese horror movies. Applewood horror flicks suck!

You continue to ponder the implications of Luna's dreamwalking as you move onto the next articles,

Wonderbolt Cadet Storms Out

An incident during a training session at Wonderbolt Acadamy went horribly awry, and several ponies were put in mortal danger. The perpetrator, (whose name shall not be disclosed) was swiftly expelled from the academy for reckless behavior. We caught her on her way out, and she had this to say:

"It's not fair! I worked harder, I was made lead pony, I pushed myself further! It should be me getting into the Wonderbolts! Mark my words, the Wonderbolts haven't heard the last of me! Equestria hasn't heard the last of Lightning Dust!"

She then rudely assaulted the reporter when they attempted to question her further. One thing's for sure, this pony is driven, but headed in a very bad direction.

She's gonna go far... into a wall. you mentally snark as you drink a bowl of creamy tomato soup like a smoothie.

Chaos Reigns In a Whole New Lights, Camera, Action!

Discord, Spirit of Chaos, ex-super-villain, and current aspiring movie producer has teamed up with none other than M-night Shamalamadingdong! Together they plan to bring about a revolution in cinema, starting with 'The Last Spellbender 2', which has already received a green light. We interviewed the draconequus, asking why he chose to go into the movie-making business.

"When I was reformed by Twilight and her friends, I'll admit I had my doubts. Having friends for the first time in eons is all very nice. But you see... Twilight Sparkle has never been one to allow... unruliness. So I thought I'd never be able to express my special brand of creativity ever again. Then I went to a theater and saw a 'popcorn flick' (as you ponies call it) by some colt named Michael Beigh and I realized that I didn't have to give up chaos in order to keep my new friends, I just had to deliver it in a slightly different way."

When asked about the outcry from the fans of the animated series the film was based on, and their thoughts that this movie would be The... Worst... Possible thing, he merely gave a devious smirk and teleported away. The studio was unable to comment at this time as it was currently full of living charts telling everypony what to do.

You spew your Roy Rogers all over the current page when you finish reading that. The drink ruins the next article, something about the Crystal Empire hosting the Equestria Games or some-whats, but you don't notice or care as you have more important things to worry about.

"How could this be allowed to happen?!" you exclaim, "That's the greatest bucking cartoon of all time and that pretentious idiot bucked up the entire movie in every conceivable way! Buck you M-Night! Buck you Discord!"

"Uh Ritz? Are you okay?" Trixie asks in concern.

So much has happened while you were gone it's enough to make your head spin.

"I need air!" you scream and shove your way to the train compartment door...

you read that wrong comment

As you sit in an empty seat by an open window and start collecting your thoughts you realize,

Wait, Twilight is MILES away from me. Hay at this point I wouldn't be surprised if she though I died. All I need to do is stay out of the spotlight and lie low.

Remembering who your traveling companion was, you mentally add,

Then again, that showmare will probably do something to get into the spotlight and as her assistant I'll be on the edge of that light. In retrospect, perhaps traveling with a mare who's whole profession is about being noticed probably wasn't the best ide- Wait, how much was all that food I ordered?

Back at Dimondia, you were so used to having free meals at the castle that only now do you realize that you ordered from the dining car menu without even looking at the prices.

Maybe Trixie could loan me a gem or two so I want have to empty my funds. if not...

Suddenly you feel an itch on your chest. Looking down and carefully opening your white dress shirt, you see that the "Medal of Zeal" is still pinned to your chest.

"Oh yeah, forgot about you." you comment as you realize that while it hurt like Tartarus initially, now it's more of an annoying itch so you take it off your chest and pin it onto your dress shirt under your suit.

If I find a Y.U.M. cart, I can just flash this medal for a discount. you think optimistically.

Erised the ink-moth

After cooling off from realizing how much you've missed while you were in Diamondia, you decide to head back to the dining cart to finish your meal, but something catches your eye before you do. You spot a mysterious metal bar on a windowsill next to an empty seat.

Your curiosity piqued, you approach the object and examine it. The design looks like a pair of reptilian wings coiled around the base of a bluish crystal orb with some bone-like talons on it. Something tells you that this object is the cross-guard from an ancient sword as further evidenced by the work and how it's nicked in several places, but decently heavy for its small size. Upon a closer look, you see a tiny engraving on the crystal,

"Lee-Ob." you read it. "Would could 'Lee-Ob' mean? Feh, forget this piece of junk."

With that you toss it out the window and turn to go back inside the dining car, but hear a clunk on the metal floor. You turn and see that the cross-guard has mysteriously reappeared, and it's just sitting there... like it's staring at you, waiting for something.

You pick it up again and turn it over in your hooves again, not really noticing anything special about it outside of the design.

"You're not going to let me get rid of you, are you?" you say blankly to it.

The cross-guard just continues to lie there.

"Fine I'll take you with me, but if I even think you're corrupting my mind or cursing me, I'm going to find the tallest hottest volcano in Equestria and chuck you straight in, Capiche?"

You then realize you're talking to a piece of scrap metal. Good thing noling's around to make fun of you for it. You shove it inside your saddlebags and re-enter the Dining Car.

Mysterious Cross-Guard
added to Saddlebags.

BrownDog77 comment

"Sorry bout that. I needed some air." you apologize as you sit back down.

“I understand. Anyway, have you ever been to Manehattan before?” Trixie asks

“Oh yeah, plenty of times." you say picking up a sandwich, "We always went there. It was a place you could really blend in and not get noticed and one of the most vital cities in Equestria.” you say before realizing how suspicious that sounds.

“Oh, you and your family?” Trixie asks, apparently not finding your speech suspicious.

“Well… yeah, I guess you could call them my family…” you say.

“Oh, I’m sorry, is that a sore subject?” she asks sympathetically.

“No, no, nothing like that…”

“Oh, well it’s just that you don’t talk much about them or anything. I mean, you’ve told me plenty of your past careers, skills, and things you enjoy, but nothing about them,” she says.

You think back on the past month you’ve spent with her. Running Dimondia was hard work, but even during your down time you never told Trixie about "The Organization", only stories about many of your cover jobs.

“It’s just that I haven’t seen them in awhile. I mean, I know they’re out there, but I guess I kind of got caught up meeting you and all,” you say.

“Oh…” Trixie mumbles as she looks down in contemplation.

“But yeah, enough about them, what’s the plan for Manehattan?”

She looks up and her face brightens again, “Oh, well first of all, we are going to have to find a cheap but nice place to stay whilst we buy props, and acquire a spot at the hall. Do you know of any affordable places?”

“Hmmmmmm…” you say as you think back.

YEARS AGO

“With all due respect, Sergeant? How come we have to stay in this homeless shelter?” a younger recruit you asked, disguised as a long haired stallion in a tan trench coat and orange and blue beanie.

“Because Private, ponies don’t spare a second glance at a homeless beggar. In fact, they actively choose not to. Also, because hotels in this city cost a horn and a leg, these beds are decent and we even get free meals!”

“OK… but isn't our assignment supposed to be infiltrating Fence Street and disrupting the Orange concentrate stocks?” you ask.

“Exactly, most of these self-centered Fence Street types love to flaunt their wealth at every opportunity. Some of them even go to homeless shelters just to one-up each other in donations. We'll blend right in.” he says pointing to a group of rich looking ponies.

“Oh…”

"Now remember what I taught you to say Private!"

"Yes sir. Ahem, Change! You got change! Aw come on! Help a pony out will ya! Come on, change! I need Bits to see that new Last Spellbender movie! I mean with the struggling auteur behind The Seventh Sense and Stuart Small at the helm, it's sure to be his comeback!"

BACK TO NOW

"BUCK YOU M-NIGHT SHYMALAMADINGDONG!!!"

"What?" Trixie says in shock at your outburst.

“Sorry, bad memories. Anyway, I do know of-" you begin before Trixie interrupts,

“Any place besides a homeless shelter. Trixie once got dysentery from a batch of bad soup and fleas from the cots so I swore never again,”

“…nowhere at all, unless you want to spend all our jewels or can make free pudding appear out of nowher-”

*ding* "Ritz, you've given me a great and powerful idea!" Trixie declares before dashing off and calling behind her,

"Pay Trixie's bill would you!"

Shrugging at her disappearing act, you call to the waiter "Put her order on my bill." before starting on dessert. When you've finished the waiter brings you the bill and your eyes bulge out at what you see;

BILL: (With conversions of 1 Equestrian Bit = $2)

6 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with Chili Cheese Fries: 18 Bits ($36)
3 Bowls of Creamy Tomato Soup: 6 Bits ($12)
2 Blooming Onions: 7 Bits ($14)
1 Cherry Pie (Whole) a la mode: 6 Bits ($12)
1 Pitcher of Soda: 3 Bits ($6)
Coffee: 2 Bits ($4)
Fruit Salad: 3 Bits ($6)

TOTAL: 45 Bits ($90)

15% Minimum Tip: 7 Bits ($14)

"D'OH!" you exclaim before reluctantly paying the steep bill,

2 Bits Remaining

The next few days onboard the train to Manehattan have been uneventful for you. Trixie mainly stayed in her wagon on the wagonrack writing down and planning her big Manehattan show and while she did give you a few gems to pay for her meals (which you'd have to bring to her) and beverages, she refused to give you any gems for meals or the arcade car,

"Pleeeeease Trix." you beg.

"I'm sorry Ritz, but we need these gems for Manehattan. Besides, your stomach needs to learn it's not in Dimondia anymore and you need to eat smaller meals like regular ponies."

"...Fine."

You notice that you've been putting on some weight, that shouldn't happen unless you were spending alot of time with somepony that genuinely loved you.
Wait a minute, Trixie has been kissing you alot.
Nah, it's probably you just eating too much.

So in order to avoid spending more of your very limited bits you've started eating from your Saddlebags while using the gem Trixie loaned you for beverages (as she made you Pinkie Promise to only use the gem for drinks)

-4 Cans of Apple Slices
-4 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-4 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-3 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-8 Chocolate Bars
remaining

You also remember that nicotine suppresses the appetite so you spent some time each day sneaking to the end of the caboose to smoke outside to help lessen your appetite.

-10 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes
remaining

You also attempted to pass the time by reading "The Dao of the River" hoping to find something useful and while you were able to force yourself to decipher and learn about how anger interferes with chi flow and were just starting to learn a new mind-influencing technique when Trixie suddenly interrupts you to give you some plans to look over.

Partially learned "Inspire Hate" (short-range technique that makes the target fly into a berserker rage, but requires concentration, keeping the target in sight, and standing still)

You also notice that you've been putting on some weight which is odd as that shouldn't happen unless you were spending alot of time with somepony that genuinely loved you.

Wait a minute, Trixie has kissed me quite a few times... you ponder in shock.

Nah, It's probably you just eating too much. you dismiss before continuing to read a copy of A Confederacy of Dunces that you "borrowed" from a Cajun pony in your sleeping car. (1)

Outside of eating, smoking, looking over Trixie's plans, and reading books "borrowed" from other ponies in your sleeping car, you spent most of your time playing solitaire with your 52 Deck of Cards and napping.

BrownDog77 comment

After finally getting off the train at Manehattan and helping unhook Trixie's wagon you both manage to find a place that was easily affordable and clean; A caravan park.

“Cheap, quiet, and I don’t have to sleep in a strange bed,” Trixie comments as she unhitches in the designated spot.

You both then both go to Carneighie Hall where Trixie manages to sell the owner and stage director on a grand magic show the likes of David Clopperfield (of course, the chest full of gems also helped alot too).

“Hmmm… I suppose a magic show could be a change of pace. And you’re in luck. After The Book of Horsemen moves on with their tour at the end of the week, the stage will be open. Plus this will give us time to advertise the event.”

“Really? That is great news!” shrieks Trixie happily.

“Yeah, We were originally going to host Spidermane: The Musical again, but after all the mayhem and destruction it caused, we decided to cancel the whole thing.”

A spike of horror rams it’s way into your brain.

During one of your stealth missions, your unit was told sabotage the original play since the concept of a Bug-Like Superony was offensive to the Queen. (2)

Suffice to say the plan went too well, as a few trips, cut ropes, and smashed power lines led to a clusterbuck the likes of which you would not see again until the Canterlot Invasion. And the vomit, oh dear Queen, the vomit!

“Are you okay Ritz?” asks Trixie noticing your shaking form.

“I’m fine…” you squeakily say.

Anyway, after securing the spot, you and Trixie go about gathering supplies for the big night.

“Oh my gosh, this is going to be so exciting! Trixie's actually going to be on stage. And not just any stage; Carneighie bucking Hall! Once the Great and Powerful Trixie pulls this off, I will become the most famous pony in Equestria and they will love and remember me forever!” she squeals as she purchases a dozen fancy daggers.

“Well of course they’re going to love you Trix, you’re gonna knock them dead,” you say as you purchase paint, plywood, and tools to build sets with but also think,

Yeah... If Trixie's plan succeeds, it's gonna be ALOT harder for the assistant of 'The World's Greatest Showmare' to remain unnoticed...

“Oh, was there any doubt?” she says jokingly as she purchases plenty of black powder and blasting caps.

“This place sure has everything doesn’t it?” you say.

“Wally’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives is a magician’s best friend Ritz,” she says with a smirk.

Next, you and Trixie go to a clothing store in order to acquire fabrics and clothing for the event where we now see you looking through straitjackets,

"Bright pink... Blind pink... Sequins... Oof!"

Suddenly you unwittingly bump into a pale mare with blue hair, and a fancy hat as a cutie mark and make her drop her things. You notice that she is flipping adorable.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry,” she says as she starts picking up the clothes.

“Oh no, It was my fault, please.” you say as you immediately help her up and start picking up the fabric she was carrying.

“Coco, quit playing around and get that fabric over here now!” orders a snooty-looking light pink mare.

“Y-yes ma’am,” she says before grabbing the clothes out of your magic grip and scurrying past you.

“Huh… what a bitch.” you mumble/snark about the purple mare as you head back to Trixie to see her talking with... a high-ranking, mustached, MPD (3) officer?

What's Trixie doing talking to a gorram cop! you think in worry, Better play it cool and dumb to find out more...

"Hey Trixie, I found some straitjackets, which one do you need?" you say as you head over to Trixie, pretending not to have noticed the officer.

"Oh hi Ritz, my faithful assistant." Trixie rather quickly greets with noted emphasis on the 'faithful assistant' part, "Could you do Trixie a favor and purchase as much pudding as you can while Trixie talks with Chief Stablemaker about security arrangements for the big event?"

"Uh... Okay..." you say uncertainly.

"Thanks. Oh, and these gems should cover the costs." she says before hoofing you some jewels and pushing you out the door. With a shrug, you leave the clothing store and begin to walk down the street thinking,

Huh... Trixie was rather quick on the draw with that request. What if she's on to me? What if she alerted the authorities! What if they have a SWAT team on standby to wail on me with batons as soon as I buy a cigarette! That's it bug! Game over, bug Game ov-

"Hooves in the air!"

Being Manehattan somepony tries to mug you. The poor stupid bastard...

You're snapped out of your panicked thoughts when you realize an earth pony wearing tattered clothes is threatening you with a dagger in his mouth.

"Now that I got yer attention, empty the fancy suit before I get impatient. Na' mean?"

With a brief look around, you realized that you accidentally wandered into an alleyway and are now being mugged. Now most ponies would be scared out of their minds in a situation like this, but for a trained specialist who has spent ALOT of time watching action movies...

Chrysalis, there are SOOOOOOO many references I could make right now... you think gleefully with a malicious smirk hidden beneath your scarf, But since I was playing dumb a few minutes ago.

["Are you... robbing me?" you ask with feigned obliviousness, thankful for the scarf hiding your smirk.

"Yes!" the mugger responds bluntly.

"Ooohhh...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sGiE10zNQM&feature=youtu.be&t=3m) Aquila Talon."

Quickly jutting your left hoof forward in a hook, your hookblade deploys and jabs the mugger right in the eye causing him to reel back and howl with pain, dropping the knife. You immediately follow up with a Chain Punch, sending a concentrated barrage of strikes onto the side of the Earth Pony's head. This sends the earth pony to the ground, but unfortunately you notice that he's quickly starting to recover from the surprise assault.

Buck, I forgot; Earth pony strength! Gotta move fast!

Quickly looking around the alley as your mind races, you spot an empty trash can next to the downed mugger. Thinking quickly, you quickly grab it and pull it down onto the mugger's head as he's starting to get back up. Next you immediately pick up the trash can and slam it upside-down onto the mugger so it covers his head before he can get back up and then quickly grab the Large Can of Beans out of the Saddlebags and start wailing on the trash can, inflicting a devastating series of intense rings on the mugger's senses.

After 9 ringing blows from the can, you stop to catch your breath when you hear birds tweeting from inside the trash can indicating that the mugger in now unconscious.

"Woohoo! Ritz DeWitt wins! Flawless victory!" you cheer as you relish the rush from that 'fight'.

Now normally, most changelings in this situation would just forcibly suck the mugger's love out and leave him a catatonic loveless shell of a pony so you're about to do so on instinct when something falls out of the pocket of his ragged coat.

Your curiosity piqued, you pick up the object to see that it's a crumpled sheet of paper with a foal's drawing of cakes and cookies with the words "Good luck daddy" scribbled on it in crayon.

"Gorramit..." you sigh in sympathy and annoyance, your (rather new by changeling standards) conscience getting the better of you.

Poor bastard's kid must've been starving. you think sympathetically before looking down at the Large Can of Beans in your hooves and noticing that it has even more dents now.

Well... I do have fresher food in my Saddlebags now and it looks like he could use it more.

With that thought, you set the large dented can of beans down in front of the unconscious stallion before placing the crayon drawing on the can of beans and writing on the back of it with your Gold Fountain Pen,

Word of Advice: Pick a different career path before your kid becomes an orphan. (4)

"Large Can of Beans"
removed from Saddlebags

As you walk out of the ally and back onto the main sidewalks, you realized that 'fight' with the mugger cooled your 'fight-or-flight' instincts triggered by your earlier panic and now you can think much more calmly,

Calm down 815. Last thing you need is to pull a 9001. (5) Running would most likely just spike their suspicions even more, if not send me straight into a trap. I just need to be more cautious and sleep with one eye open. Now where can a bug find bulk pudding in this city...

The rest of the days leading up the event were mainly planning, rehearsals, and hiring some temporary assistants to assist with the act. Fortunately, since Trixie was paying so much Carneighie Hall covered the both of you for free meals at the theater cafe and the carrot dog cart outside ("within reason", Trixie stresses to you) so you were able to eat sliders, paninis, and carrot dogs. You noticed Trixie occasionally talking with the stage director and Chief Stablemaker, but every time you ask her about it, she suspiciously quickly changes the subject...

"Hey Trixie, what did the stage director want?"

"Oh, just finalizing the fine print on the assistant's contracts. Now would you patch the equipment under the stage?"

========

"What did the MPD want-"

"Oh Ritz, Trixie was just looking for you. Could you please check if the bears were fed?"

========

"Alright Trixie, I demand to know what's going on-"

"Oh hey Ritz, since you've been doing such a great job and it's the day before the big night, Trixie will loan you some gems for a night on the town."

"What was I talking about? Oh well." you quickly say before taking the gems to see an animated double-feature of the new Walnuts and Karate Ussuri movies before going to the local mom-and-pop Roamin restaurant and gorging yourself on Garlic bread, Calzones, Spaghetti, Pizza, and Cannoli.

THE BIG NIGHT

We now find you outside the theater having a smoke in the back alley to calm your nerves as fancily-dressed ponies fill the hall. As you mentally rehearse your roles in Trixie's performance you say to yourself,

"Okay Ritz, just calm down. Even though you're involved in the biggest show of the city tonight, Trixie's going to be the focus, not you... The focus who's also having secret conversations with the police- Gah!"

You take another deep suck of the cigarette to calm down,

"Okay, it's just a play. Once the next play, blockbuster movie, or celebrity scandal comes out it will all be old news. I mean it's not like there's anyling in the audience who'll recognize m-"

Your statement is interrupt when you see a familiar looking group of ponies out of the corner of your eye. Taking a closer look, you see why that groups is so familiar;

It's Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and some unknown filly all dressed in formal clothes entering the building.

"D'OH!"

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Don't worry, you gave it back like the other books you 'borrowed' from other passengers while they were sleeping like Oedipony ("Talk about being one bad motherbucker..."), The Metamorphosis (reminds you of Charlie Brownie for some reason...), a copy of Crime & Punishing you lifted off a pony sleeping off too much vodka ("Stop whining and kill something already you emo!"), 4891 (you noticed that the society of Orwellnia is a bit similar to changeling soceity), a tiny copy of Wuthering Hooves... that was being carried by a bird ("Eh... I still say The Countess of Monte Cristo did vengeance better."), and A Clockwork Coconut ("This ending sucks! Kubit's version is far superior.").

(2) There were other units sent to sabotage the movies, but constant reboots ended up causing Chrysalis to call of the operation seeing how the ponies were doing just fine.

(3) Manehattan Police Department. Probably the 2nd-most featured police department in movies and serials next to the Las Pegasus Police Department.

(4) The "mugger's" fate is unknown after this point in time. Hey, this story's about you (Ritz) not this guy.

(5) "Pulling a 9001" became a slang term within the Hive that means "Making a harebrained decision in a panic" Naturally it was based on Private 9001's habit of doing that which often end badly for the fool and everyling around him.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (Size of a small closet on the inside)
-47 Suit (Black suit and pants, white cuff shirt, red tie)

-Gold Fountain Pen

-Gold Cigarette Case with 9 Cherry-Vanilla scented/flavored Cigarettes

-Gold Lighter

-Dimondia Star of Zeal Medal
-Red scarf (Covers the lower half of your face)
-Bowler Hat (Reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)

-"Ace of Spades" card (In hatband on side of hat)

-Multi-Vision Goggles (Can be set to "Night-Vision" (you can see in darkness), "Thermal/Heat Vision" (allows you to see heat and recent hoofprints), and "X-Ray" (allows you to see through objects and see bones) modes. Shatterproof, waterproof, fireproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and can retract the lens so they can easily be slid under your hat)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-3 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-"Doctor's Note" (Explains why you have pure blue eyes and need to wear clothes constantly)
-Used Blanket
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-2 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal)
-4 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake)
-4 Cans of Apple Slices
-4 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-4 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-3 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-Large Bottle of Ketchup
-Large Bottle of Mustard
-8 Chocolate Bars
-1/2 Large Jar of Grape Jelly
-4 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
-Cake Bomb (An improvised fused explosive that you covered in frosting and icing to make it look like a cake with a candle before placing it in a cake box)
-2 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Short-Mid range "Force Pull" that requires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself)
-"Inspire Hate" (short-range technique that requires you to stand still, concentrate, and keep the target within eyesight to send the target into a berserker frenzy against everypony else around him. Target will go back to normal when you move, look away, or lose concentration)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Alright commenters, it's now time for the "Manehattna Mysteries" arc!

There are only two guidelines;
1. No exposing Ritz
2. Next chapter is ONLY going to be based on the FIRST half of the arc (meaning whatever is in the video above).

As for today's question;

What should be Ritz's new clothes?

It looks like you might need some new clothes as your disguise spell still isn't working for whatever reason and you'll need to wash the "47 Suit" eventually. However, this question is divided into 5 parts;

-Hat
-Face Covering: Regardless of whether it be a scarf, neckerchief, bandanna, mask, etc. we NEED something to cover up the lower half of Ritz's face to hide his changeling fangs.

NOTE: Preferably something that won't draw too much attention so things like a hockey mask or full head covering aren't recommended, but you can comment them anyway if you really want them.
-Shirt: We need to cover Ritz's changeling wings.
-Outer Wear: Jacket, coat, sweater, or something long-sleeved to cover the holes in Ritz's forelegs

NOTE: If you commented a long-sleeved shirt for Shirt, then feel free to comment any other outer wear like vests, waistcoats, cloaks, or capes.
-Pants: Gotta cover the holes in your changeling legs and your lack of a Cutie Mark.

Feel free to comment whole outfits or just mix-and-match articles of clothing as I'll be mixing and matching answers to make Ritz's new outfit. Have fun!

Chapter 17: All That Pizzazz (Manehattan Mysteries Arc Part 1)

Calm down and realize that none of the group are after you. However, try to figure out what the police wanted, as well as where the captured Changelings are in order to free them. Oh, and don't get captured doing the latter.

After realizing that both the Element of Generosity and Honesty are here, you decide that really, you shouldn’t have anything to fear from them. Sure you were a jerk to their best friend, but you helped saved the town and all.

Erised the ink-moth comment

"Alright Ritz, calm down." you tell yourself as you finish your cigarette, "If they were really here for me, they'd wouldn't be all dressed up like that. Besides, I did help save the town from Trixie after all so they shouldn't have a reason to come after me in the first place." you rationalize as you toss away the cigarette butt.

Reentering the building through the alley door and heading backstage as you tell yourself,

"Today, you're just Trixie's trusty stage hoof. You'll be out of sight the whole time, working your magic behind the scenes. With any luck Twilight's friends won't even know you're here. No reason to panic." you tell yourself as Trixie and her assistants get ready for the performance. A few cooling breaths and a shuddering exhale later and you get into position. You look down on the stage from atop the scaffolding hidden behind the curtains, and position the spotlights as Trixie's grand introduction concludes.

"Showtime." you mutter to yourself as Trixie bursts onstage in a cloud of smoke not a moment later, much to the shock (and annoyance) of Twilight's friends in the audience.

ONE SHOW LATER

The show goes on better than you could have hoped; when she's not bragging about how great she is or trying to be better than somepony else, Trixie really is an amazing showmare. Although at one point in the show you had to secretly intervene with your Force Pull in order to stop her from falling into a pit of angry bears when her escape rope snapped and again when one of her blindfolded knife throws almost hit the assistant in the eye.

Now we see that she's moving onto the final act: The reappearing pony! You've seen her perform this trick in rehearsal countless times so it's sure to go off without a-

"Behold: The famous Ostlerheimer Diamond!" Trixie introduces.

"What!?" you nearly yell. That wasn't the final act she discussed with you! She was going bring a secret assistant onstage from the audience under the guise of a 'random pony', then make his disappear inside a barrel only to reappear out of her hat. You had the fireworks set up and everything! Instead her assistants are wheeling out some fancy, expensive gem. You'll just have to work the special effects impromptu and trust her to pull off the rest.

Just what the buck is she thinking? you think in concern.

"Trixie will now make the diamond disappear without even touching it..." she announces, "While blindfolded! And tied up suspended upside down by a burning rope..." she adds while her assistants restrain her, "Over a vat of pudding!"

"Oh-kay then. Going a teensy little bit far aren't you?" you mutter to yourself. You understand the need for distractions and slight of hoof, but still. "That's a lot of pudd- *slap* No! Bad reference!"

The audience holds their breath, the tension growing with every second as the candle burns through the rope and sweat drops bead on Trixie's forehead when suddenly,

*snap*

A collective gasp is heard throughout the audience (you're not bothering with the Force Pull since it's just pudding) as Trixie free-falls when she suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke before reappearing safely on stage! The audience cheers and hollers for her!

"Thank you... thank you." she says and takes a bow. "Ah but what of the diamond you ask? Behold! It has vanished!"

The audience gasps again. Honestly you were watching Trixie the whole time, so you're as in the dark as they all are.

"Indeed credulous audience members, for you see." trixie says and removes her hat, "The diamond was in my hat the whole time."

Everypony looks confused at the lack of anything on her head except her mane. From your perspective you can also see that it's not caught inside her hat either.

"I don't get it." calls one random pony from the audience, but Trixie just smirks for some reason...

Suddenly the doors the the performance hall fly open, and a whole bucking platoon of police ponies burst in and surround the place!

"Manehatten Police! Everypony stay where you are." the sergeant orders the shocked and terrified crowd, "We've got a criminal on the loose."

"Oh buck me." you curse under your breath as the police spread out into the audience towards the stage "So not horrorshow."

You're about to dive off the scaffolding and make a break for it when...

Oh crud it's the police. Okay keep calm Ritz and remember you're training. Don't panic repeat don't panic.
Now try to find out what the buck is going on. While making sure you're identity as changeling isn't blown.

BrownDog77 comment

"Calm down 815, just calm down..." you say to yourself as you take some calming breathes, "You've been on enough missions with 9001 to know that panic never helps. Just keep your cool and ask Trixie what the buck is going on."

Putting on your best poker face (which isn't that hard with your red scarf over half your face), you climb off the scaffolding and onto the stage to see the Elements approach a shaking Trixie. In concern you ask,

"Hey Trixie, what's going o-"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Trixie's cunning plan has succeeded!"

"What?!"

Trixie and Chief Stablemaker then proceed to explain that the show was part of "Operation: Caught Red-Hooved" ("Real creative." you snark), a sting aimed at capturing the master thief Rough Diamond (even you heard of Rough Diamond back in the hive as her stealth skills rivaled that of elite changelings (1)) and that the diamond used during the show was a fake with a tracking chip planted on it. As Trixie begins to start looking around the room with the tracking chip spell Apple Bloom recognizes you and cries out,

“Mr. DeWitt!”

“Oh, uh, hey Applebloom,” you say to her nervously while Applejack and Rarity give you the stink eye.

Apple Bloom suddenly becomes solemn and asks you with sad eyes,

“Why didn’t you say goodbye?…”

HRK

The sad pouting face she is giving is too damn heartbreaking to take and your heart tries to lurch out of your chest from the cuteness and guilt.

“I-I’m…” you try to say.

“Me, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo tried to find you, but the others said you blew smoke in Twilight’s face and ran away.”

“I-I’m sorry Applebloom,” you say with your own eyes watering a bit because of the guilt she’s shooting into you.

“I had to get out of town because, SOMEPONIES,” you say with a glare at the two Elements who frown at you, “Didn’t recognize my helpfulness behind the scenes. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” you say as you try to comfort her.

She sniffles and looks at you.

“Do you mean that? Ya didn’t run away because ya didn’t like us anymore?”

“Of course not, you guys were my first friends in that town. I’m sorry about bailing, but the situation was… complicated.”

“Indeed little filly, Ritz was put into a delicate position thanks to my… past actions. He did not intend you harm,” Trixie explains, passing by as she scans the first row.

Apple Bloom smiles at that and lunges at you in a hug that knocks you over.

“Alright, I forgive ya,” she says as she hugs you. She then leans into your ear and quickly whispers, “Don’t worry, I kept yer secret about being a you-know-what.”

“Thanks,” you say aloud.

After parting from the hug, Rarity and Applejack still scrutinize you.

“What? She forgives me, and you all forgave Trixie, how come I still get mean looks?”

“Well because you were an unrepentant varmint who blew smoke in Twilight's face!” says Applejack.

“Not to mention gambling with the outcome of that second duel,” adds Rarity.

“Um, if it helps any, Ritz did help to throw me off my groove during that… so that’s something,” says an embarrassed Trixie while she tries not to think of the past.

"He did help Trixie and the whole town after all... even if he did slap Rainbow Dash and blow smoke in Twilight's face... which was rude, but yeah..." defends Fluttershy.

“True… but still,” starts Applejack.

“Hey hey hey, I think you got the story mixed up there." you say indignantly before continuing, "First; I did apologize to Rainbow Dash immediately after slapping her (and as I said before, that was my old training kicking in) and she kicked me in the nards afterwards so we're even. Second; As I explained to Twilight already, I was making sure that the town would be okay regardless of who wins. Classic Xanatos Gambit. Third; Yes, I know Twilight becoming a princess was a huge deal, but judging by the fact that she hasn’t issued a warrant for my head or anything, I think it's safe to assume that she's over the whole smoke thing. Yes it was uncalled for, but I wasn't in the best of moods after all those accusations you ingrates shot at me. Now can we please just move on and figure out this gorram jewelry thing?”

“Eh, I say we give him a chance, Applebloom’s cool with him” says the other filly in a thick Manehattan accent.

"Thank you... filly I don't know."

"Oh, this is my cousin Babs Seed. She lives here in Manehattan and is in charge of this city's branch of the Cutie Mark Crusaders," beams Applebloom.

"Oh really? How's that working out for you kid?"

"Eh, could be better, still gotta deal with bullies and the like, but still, anypony that's cool with Applebloom is cool with me," she smiles.

Applejack continues to give you an untrusting look,

"I still don't trust y-"

"The diamond seems to be close by." Trixie interrupts while shoving past you, "In fact the diamond is right... here!" Trixie proclaims, pointing her glowing horn directly at Applejack.

"Must be something wrong with yer spell Trixie." Applejack smugly replies as she takes off her hat, "There's no way that diamond's in my-"

Suddenly everypony gasps as you all see that the "diamond" is in Applejack's hat.

"What were you lying?" you smirk.

"This is indeed the fake diamond!" Rarity says, taking a closer look at the diamond with a loupe.

"I have no idea how that got there." Applejack defends.

"My sister didn't steal it chief! You gotta believe me!" Apple Bloom pleads to the police chief.

"Verbal payback aside, I agree." you chime in, "I highly doubt that the Element of Honesty should be the primary suspec-"

"Chief! Somepony broke into the stage director's office!" another officer interrupts.

"But that's where the real diamond is!" Trixie declares causing you all to head to the director's office. On the way there, Rarity slows down so she's next to you and says.

“So… you and Trixie huh?”

“What?” you ask.

“You left with her over a month ago, and here we find you still with her. If I was one for gossip, I’d deduce that there was something between you two...” she says with an inquisitive voice.

“It’s all circumstantial,” you try to say, but she clearly doesn’t believe you.

“Mmhmm, I’m sure it is. A stallion sees an enchanting mare, and he throws his own reputation away to save her from herself, and then he doesn’t leave her side causing her to appreciate him and…” she insinuates with a faux swoon.

“Oh come on, my life is not a cheesy romance novel. If anything it’s more of a Tom Clancehay spy thriller,” you defend.

“Whatever you say Mr. Dewitt. But I am not a blind mare,” she says with an air of superiority.

“You’re not blind huh? Then what about that poor guy you’re stringing along in Ponyville? Cause either you're oblivious or just cruel.” you snark back, causing a look of confusion to come across her face.

“Now who in the world do you mean? I am not 'stringing along' anypony,” she defends.

“Yeah, not anyPONY,” you insinuate thinking about Spike. The recon reports on him detailed a large amount of love radiating off of the young dragon when the dressmaker was around.

“Will you two quit bellyaching back there?” says a frustrated Applejack as Chief Stablemaker speaks with the concerned director over the door lock being picked before ordering two officers inside.

“Applejack, there isn’t anyone I’ve been, as this ruffian puts it, 'stringing along', has there?”

“Oh, you mean Sp... I mean, nope, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Applejack answers unconvincingly while looking around shiftily.

"Huh? Fluttershy, surely you don't believe I'm doing this right?"

"Umm... no comment," she says as she hides behind her mane.

“What? You too? Oh my gosh? Who? Who have I been doing this too?” she asks to herself in panic.

You smirk at your little victory over her when...

When the smoke bomb activates, you put on and activate your Multi-Vision Goggles and set them to thermal only for that action to be too late as the smoke already cleared up and there were too many hoofprints around the room to tell apart.

*Pfooooom*

"It's a smoke bomb! *cough*"

Thinking quickly, you pull down your Multi-Vision Goggles and turn them on to see through the smoke, but the action turns out to be too late as the smoke is already cleared up by the time you set them to "Thermal".

"The diamond! It's gone!" one of the officers exclaims.

"You see anything with them fancy glasses mistah DeWitt?" Apple Bloom asks you.

"Too many fresh hoofprints around the room." you observe, "I can't tell who's is who's." with that you deactivate, retract, and put away the MVG.

Trixie realizes that Rough Diamond used Applejack as a distraction to steal the real diamond and vows to hunt him down, but Chief Stablemaker reveals that he put a tracking chip on the real diamond as a contingency and has Officer Trotter cast the tracking spell... Only to find the Diamond in Trixie's hat. Trixie tries to say that the thief planted the diamond in her hat, but the Chief accuses her of falling back to her old ways.

"Woah, woah, I've been with Trixie long enough to know she's moved past all that." you defend.

"Yeah, Trixie's had some troubles in Ponyville sure, but this doesn't feel like one of her schemes." Applejack adds, but Rarity puts a hoof to her chin and muses,

"But... if she were the thief, then this would be the perfect opportun-"

"Rarity! How can you even think that!" Fluttershy exclaims.

"Yeah mare, what the buck?!" you add indignantly at Rarity.

"Language!" Applejack scolds, covering Apple Bloom and Babs' ears.

"Cousin Applejack, I'm from Manehattan." Babs says taking Applejack's hoof off, "I've heard alot worse."

"You're right, this would be the perfect opportunity, but Trixie would need accomplices wouldn't she?" he implies, the two officers taking up position behind him.

"I don't like where this is going..." you comment in concern.

"Ladies, I think you'd better all come with us." he orders.

"Hey- Now hold on! We got nothin' to do with this!"

"We'll be the judge of that-" he says advancing.

"Wait wait wait, let me get this straight. You seriously believe that half of the Elements of Harmony, you know the repeat saviors of Equestria did this?" you point out.

"The hero letting the fame go to her head and feeling entitled to anything." Chief Stablemaker sighs, "I've seen this story play out more times than I'd like to admit. Of course the fact that you're constantly covering your face doesn't exactly make you look like a model citizen." he says giving you an accusing glare.

"Hey don't drag me into this. I have a condition, see!" you say holding up your Doctor's Note.

"But you're also Trixie's main assistant." he adds.

Sensing that the cops are thinking the wrong thing about Trixie and the rest of you as her so called 'cohorts' you yell,

"Ah to hay with it, BAIL! BAIL!!!"

With that, Trixie quickly throws down a smoke bomb that fills the room, obscuring everypony's vision.

"Mistah DeWitt! Where are ya?!" Apple Bloom calls.

"Go on! I'll buy you guys some time!" you yell.

"No! I won't leave you behind!" Trixie calls.

"Relax, this ain't my first time bucking the police." you smirk towards where you think Trixie is in the smoke cloud, "Just go!"

"Wait, What?!" Trixie starts before being interrupted by Babs.

"Just do as he says!"

"WHOOOAAAAHHH!!!"

With that, the smoke starts to clear and you realize that you're the only one left in the room with Stablemaker and the two officers.

Gotta buy them some time, please let this work...

With that, you point a hoof forward at Officer Trotter and focus...

Try to use the "Inspire Hate" spell to buy more time for Trixie and the others to flee the cops.

Attempt an Assassin's Vow 'leap of faith' while declaring, "REQUIEM AND PASTA!!!"

"Trotter, Fluffles, get him!" Stablemaker orders.

"You don't tell me what to do!" the green unicorn cop growls.

"What was th-" Stablemaker whirls around, but stops when he notices Trotter's glowing red eyes.

With an enraged yell, Trotter tackles Stablemaker into a props locker causing Fluffles to try to restrain the unicorn from behind,

"Trotter, stop it! What's wrong with you?!"

With the enraged officer pulled off him, Stablemaker notices you pointing a hoof at Trotter with intense focus in your eyes.

"It's that assistant! He has dark magic! All officer converge now!"

"And... that's my que to exit." you say ending the spell and taking a Leap of Faith out the window declaring,

"REQUIEM AND PASTA-!!!" *CRASH* "MY SPINE!!!"

...And promptly land back first onto a garbage can.

"Stupid trash cans." you mutter as you painfully roll off the trash can before invoking your healing factor to heal your back and then make a break for it.

"He's getting away! Call in a Pegasi unit to tail him!" Stablemaker orders.

"We have no air support available chief!" Officer Fluffles replies next to a calmer and profusely apologizing Trotter, "All Pegasi Officers and airships have been called in to pacify a street war between the Tackaglia Crime Family and the Wingstone Griffish Firm in Hooflyn!"

"All officers pursue!" Stablemaker orders running out of the room, "Suspect is an adult male unicorn with solid blue eyes wearing a black suit, black derby, and a red scarf! Suspect is a dark magic user and considered armed and dangerous!"

As you run out the alley and into the streets of Manehattan you see the girls running into a Subway.

Gotta draw the heat away from the girls so underground's not an option. you quickly think to yourself before you start running in the opposite direction with the police hot on your tail when you suddenly notice a random message floating in the air above you.

It's five star slots with 2 of them full and an objective;

LOSE THE COPS!

Author's Note

(1) Queen Chrysalis even hired Rough Diamond (through contacts) to assist in a changeling operation to hit 7 Las Pegasus casinos in one night... but she manipulated everything so that all changelings involved in the operation went down as she made a clean escape with all the loot much to Chrysalis's fury (especially since she was planning to backstab Rough Diamond first so she would go down for the robbery while the changelings escaped with the loot). In spite of Chrysalis's orders, even the most elite changeling operatives couldn't find any trace of her.

That's right commenters, next chapter will be a Chase Chapter!

Loadout is still the same from last chapter, but here's a list of your/Ritz's abilities;
ABILITIES
-Chain Punch (concentrated rapid flurry of hoof strikes to one spot)
-Force Pull (Rquires focus and can only affect objects that you can normally lift/push physically (meaning "Force Pull" will not work on objects that would normally be too heavy, stuck, or large for you to physically lift, carry, or pull yourself))
-"Inspire Hate" (Short-range technique that enrages target and sends him/her into a berserker frenzy against everypony else around her/him. Only works on one target at a time and requires you (Ritz) to stand still, keep eyes on the target, and maintain focus and the target will go back to normal when you move, look away, or lose concentration)
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Can walk on walls and some ceilings.
-Limited Parkour
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

However, there are guidelines so we don't go completely nucking buts PLEASE READ THEM;

No exposing Ritz as a Changeling (yes, I say this every chapter but I DON'T want anypony getting any ideas) so DON'T get caught.

No killing. However, collateral damage and slapstick are acceptable and encouraged.

Ritz is NOT a tank. Changelings are generally weaker than ponies so he won't last very long in a straight-up fight so use evasion, stealth, and luck instead.

No raising the wanted level above 3 Stars. You're supposed to be LOSING the wanted level, NOT increasing it.

The Manehattan Police have no air support available so no airships or pegasi officer will be showing up.

Since the whole point is to draw attention away from the mares, they will NOT be showing up next chapter. You're on your own.

Have fun. You're being chased by cops through a NYC-esque city, USE IT!

These may seem like alot, but these are important for making sure we don't do anything too crazy like having Celes-zilla show up or something stupid like th- Get your fingers away from the keyboard this instant!

Now as for last episode's question;

What should be Ritz's new clothes?

That will be answered... next chapter! For now, answers are closed so no more clothes suggestions

See you next chapter!

Chapter 18: Across 110 Streets (Manehattan Mysteries Arc Part 2)

BrownDog77 comment

As you see the flashing stars above your head in the night sky, you wrack your brain trying to figure out what the stars mean-

"There he is!"

But you ignore that for now since the cops are on your tail. As you run down the street you think,

Okay, from what I remember of Grand Theft Carraige, all I need to do is stay out of sight of the cops and drive a wagon/carriage into a chopshop and get a new paintjob. But how do I lose the fuzz in the first place? Maybe if I changed clothes...

Speaking (or thinking in this case) of clothes, you see that stuck up purple-maned Bitch Mare that was mean to the cute blue-maned mare from a few days ago. She seems to be in the middle of some speech while said cute mare is hauling multiple rolls of fabrics.

"Move Bitch, Get Out The Way!" you yell as you ram through the purple-pink bitch, knocking her over your fleeing form and in the path of the cops who start tripping over her.

"If you don't want to physically hurt your boss, a laxative in her coffee will do just fine!" you yell behind you at the shocked cute mare as you continue running.

*slam*"D'OH!" only to slam into a lamppost because you weren't looking where you were going. Shaking off the impact, you look back and see that the cops are getting back up and continuing the pursuit. You look back at the street only to see heavy rushing traffic and think you're as good as caught when,

*ding*

Getting an idea from Buster 'The Great Stone Face' Kimblewick, you invoke "Aquila Talon" and activate the hookblade to grab onto a passing Taxi buggy, getting dragged at high speeds for 16 blocks before the cabby notices.

"Hey pal, this ain't no charity!" he cries out as he hits the breaks, sending you flying at such speeds that you splash into a pond in Middle Park.

"*pant*I really *sputter* really have to work on my cardio." you mutter as you scramble out of the water. Looking back at the street, you see the police ponies talking with the cabby who's pointing in your direction.

"Oh Come on!" you exclaim as you pull your soaked form into the darkness of the trees. You think you've lost them when you hear something that makes your heart stop;

"He's in the park! Call in the rangers!"

"S-Sir! Are you sure?! It's night!" you hear Officer Trotter ask fearfully.

"We've got a fugitive with dark magic in that park, we have no choice!" Chief Stablemaker orders.

"BUCK!" you scream as you start running for your life like the demons of Tartarus themselves are chasing you and that analogy isn't too far off.

Manehattan's Middle Park Rangers are known for being helpful and friendly during the day, but at night they become even more gung-ho and turn into ruthless merciless enforcers. If you're a proper law-abiding pony with valid ID out, you'll be fine, but if you're anything else... Well there's a reason only the desperate and the stupid dare travel through Middle Park at night (1).

Soon you hear thunderous trotting and look behind you to see four large ponies with flowing black capes and shining black and white helmets charging towards you like the Four Elephants of the Apocalypse.

"AHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU GUNG-HO PSYCHOS! DO I LOOK LIKE A NON-PONY TO YOU!" you scream in terror as you run through the woods even more desperately, but no matter how fast you run through the woods, you can hear the thunderous charging getting closer and closer and-

"I'll shove that bat up your flank and turn you into a popsicle."

"What was th- *twack* D'OH!"

You promptly run right into the swing of a baseball bat that knocks you to the ground. Fortunately your armored Bowler took most of the impact so you're able to look up and see that you've ran right into the middle of a gang brawl between two sets of strangely-garbed street gangsters; One group dressed in Red Vests and the other Dressed as Baseball Players with painted faces and bats.

"Hey, Hey! Break it up over there or we'll break you!" the Rangers declare as they ignore you and proceed to smash straight into the brawl, effortlessly breaking bats and throwing brawlers around like rag dolls.

Sighing at the distraction, you sneak through the melee and make it back into the city, smirking at having lost the cops when-

"Chief! I found him!"

"D'oh!" you exclaim as you hightail it down the street.

Erised the ink-moth

Your chase takes you through the streets, and you're actually managing to keep far enough ahead of the cops that they actually have to pause at every street corner to reacquire a visual on you. Noticing this pattern, you decide to use it to your advantage and run towards the nearest Manehattan newspaper stand after turning a corner.

As the group of at least a dozen cops rounds the corner and surrounds the area, looking for you, all they find is a stallion leaning on a trashcan out front with a newspaper spread open in front of his face.

"Hey buddy, did you see a pony in a dapper suit and derby run by here?" one of the officers asks the stallion.

"Nope, can't say I did. Was too busy reading this article about a diamond thief." the stallion replies is a raspy voice, not moving the paper even to make eye contact, but a bowler hat is visible over the top of the paper. A bowler hat with a familiar Ace of Spades card in the hatband...

The police pony squints his eyes, realizing something's odd about this pony with the newspaper. He slowly grabs the edges of the newspaper before suddenly ripping it out of the pony's hooves declaring,

"Hah! I got- you?" he stutters, realizing that not only is the pony not wearing a fancy suit, but isn't even a pony at all. He's a zebra in a vest who's quite angry that his reading material was just ruined.

"Can't a zigga even just read a newspaper in front of HIS OWN STAND without getting harassed by the po-lice?! All'a yall's! Eitha buy a copy or get outta here." he yells at the assembled squad of police ponies, who in turn quickly decide to take their search elsewhere.

"Yeah, buck the po-lice."

"You said it man." you say as you pop out of the trashcan he was leaning on, "Hey, thanks for letting me hide in here."

"I do not know who are you.
But at least you are not a colt in blue." he says as he hooves you your Hat back.

With that you put your hat back on and confidently walk down the street,

"Watch out for that-"

*WHAM* "Yaaaaaaa-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooeeeyyyy!" *SHATTER*

"Cab..."

Only to get hit by the taxi from before cause you weren't looking and get sent flying straight through the window of a late-night coffee and donut shop... that unsurprisingly has about a platoon and a half of police ponies hanging out inside. Each of them staring wide-eyed at you as you recover, some of them with expressions of shock frozen mid-bite.

"And... into the fire." you comment and are about to panic, thinking you just stuck your head in a hornets' nest, but then you notice something; they're not staring solely at you, but also at what's behind you, and a few of them are even backing up in fear. With an audible gulp, you turn around to see what they're so afraid of and see an earth pony mare with a black coat and a blonde no-nonsense crew cut mane sitting alone at a table with a upturned glass of chocolate milk spilled across her otherwise pristine uniform.

"He spilled Dread Judge's drink..." whimpers one of the cops behind you.

"Okay," you think, remembering drink class, "Chocolate milk. Either she's a bundle of cute, or she's an absolute badflank."

Without moving her mouth or any other body part, she rigidly turns her head towards you and glares straight into your soul causing you to gulp nervously. As she gets up out of her seat, every cop in the donut shop runs for the exit. Each step she takes is punctuated with an electric guitar chord from nowhere. You find yourself unable to move your hooves, and once she's close enough that you can feel her breath on your face, she puts on an armored helmet with a black visor bearing a red X and a golden shield on her head... and the counter explodes behind her!

She gives you a quick glancing over, and then says in a rock hard tone that gives you traumatic flashbacks of your drill instructor, "You spilled my coco moo." she takes a stiff inhale, "Do you know what I do to punks that spill my coco moo?"

Despite the fact that she said 'coco moo' twice in a row, you find yourself quivering in terror before this mare. "U-uh, n-n-no... w-what do you do to them?"

She clamps an iron hoof on your shoulder which forcibly stops your shaking. "I take them downtown." she says simply, and for a moment you feel slightly reassured-

"DREAD STYLE!"

Before she throws you through the flaming remains of the counter and into the wall behind it. The plaster on the wall breaks off around the crater formed on impact, and everything hurts. Bright red blood is dripping down into the corners of your vision... you can feel yourself dying and-

"My jelly donuts!" screams a nearby police mare.

You reach lick some of the red substance off your scarf.

"Mmm, strawberry." you comment.

"Breaking and entering - ten months." Dread's voice pulls you back to the action as she stomps towards you.

"Destruction of public property - six months."

The dense crowd of other cops parts in her wake.

"Assaulting an officer - four years!"

"Oh buck my life..."

"Spilling my coco moo - five minutes..."

"Kinda ruining the pattern ther-" you snark before she growls.

"Locked in a room with me."

Looking around for anything to help you out of this mess you spot a steaming pot of coffee sitting on a nearby table and grab it yelling,

"Have a refill on me!" as yo throw it onto her like how Dorthy finished the Wicked Sorceress in The Magus of Carat, but to your shock, Dread is not only still standing, but hasn't even flinched as the steaming hot coffee drips off her helmet!

"I don't drink decaf," she hisses and starts walking toward you, "My drink of choice is a tall glass of coco moo with a side of justi-*slip* AHHHHH!"

Apparently she didn't think about her hooves being slippery from the coffee (and your Force Pull jerking her legs out from under her) as she crashes head and back-first to the tile floor, her helmet shattering some of the tile. While the other, lesser, cops can only stare at you in shock, you take this chance to bolt for the door.

You limp as fast as you can into a side ally and invoke your changeling healing factor.

Good thing they have those 'hors d'oeuvre' before the show. you think thankfully, but now that you're not in immediate danger, you realize who it was that you just dealt with!

CHANGELING TRAINING

"Now rookies, this...!" your instructor points to a scary rough scetch of what looks like a heavily armored pony with a black and red helmet, "is an Equestrian Guard elite shock trooper unit; A Protector-Authorized Insurgency Neutralizer or P.A.I.N. They're extremely fast, incredibly strong, have near limitless stamina, and are ruthless to a ludicrous degree. Most have been trained and modified since birth to seek out and destroy sources of crime and civil disobedience. Unconfirmed reports also suggests that they can see though our disguise spells. There is only one rule of engagement when dealing with these monsters: RUN. Attempting to fight one of these with anything less than a full Company will only end with you as a smear on the pavement.

Then a hoof shoots up in the back of the class. "So it's like a street judge from "2000 ANM" (After Nightmare Moon)? That's so cool, I want to be one of those when I grow up!"

"Sit down Private 9001 and stop playing those stupid arcade games. Anyway, fortunately due to their power and the amount of resources it takes to make, train, and maintain a PAIN (they have HUGE appetites) most of the major cities in Equestria usually only have 1 PAIN soldier each and they are only called out on the mayor's orders and even then it's only in emergencies. So one of the best preventative measures is to maintain stealth and avoid causing incidents that would bring down the wrath of one of these monsters on your buggy head. Now I must goez. Mah planet needz me!"

With that the instructor promptly sprouted a red cape and blue tights and is about to take off when he then snaps a random pony's neck for no reason then falls to his knees yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BACK TO NOW

"...Okay I'm PRETTY sure the last part didn't happen but still." you comment, shaking off the jumbled memory, "Judging by the fact that this one was at a donut shop drinking 'coco moo' with her helmet off, that means I had the rotten luck of pissing off a mare that makes the Middle Park Rangers look like Cub Scouts on her day off... Great." you mutter as the healing spell finishes mending your body. "But each race gives a PAIN unit special benefits so let's see... Unicorn PAINs have access to more restricted/devastating combat spells, Pegasi PAINs can wield more devastating weather like blizzards or firestorms, and Earth Pony PAINs-"

"Evading capture - fifteen months." you hear in a rough voice behind you.

"Have crazy good tracking skills." you quickly spout off before attempting a run for it.

"No-pony escapes JUSTICE!" Dread yells as she grabs your scarf in her teeth, dragging you out of the ally, and spinning you around before throwing you into a lamppost.

"Aquilla Talon!" you yell raspily, transforming your bracelet. You look around for something to use it with to make it more effective.

Fire hydrant? No. Park bench? No. Stuffy-looking pony with a poodle? Tempting... but no. A mime? Possibly-

"Unlicensed possession of a weapo-"

"Oh will you shut the buck up?!" you yell in annoyance.

"You can't silence the truth and you can't silence me." Dread Judge declares.

"You're like a cheesy old-school action movie!" you yell back as you run up to a frozen yogurt stand, "Here, have some culture!" you say as you chuck a big bowl of cold artificial-free fruit-flavored goodness at her.

Undaunted, she merely steps aside and lets it splatter on the ground before it suddenly explodes in a flash of thunder and lightning with a thick cloud of smoke covering the area, allowing you even more time to break line of sight.

-2 Thundercloud Orbs
remaining

You're about to make your grappling escape via ejecting the Aquilla Talon's hookblade, when suddenly you're hit from behind by what feels like a train.

"Hiding a thundercloud orb in a cup of yogurt! A pretty nifty trick for breaching and clearing rooms! No idea how you got your filthy hooves on them, but I'm gonna get answers from you one way or the other!" Dread yells, temporarily deafened by your trick.

She pulls out a baton with one hoof as she clenches your throat with her other,

"You've got a lot of crimes on your head, criminal scum, and that means a lot of JUSTICE for me to dish out! You have the right to remain silent while I beat you senseless! *Bonk!* Anything you say will be completely disregarded while I punch your teeth down your throat! *Bap!* You have the right to a flank-spanking, if you cannot find a pony to spank you, I'LL DO IT PERSONALLY!*Pow!*"

Even with your armored bowler hat taking most of the beating for you, you have to admit this still hurts! And you know for a fact that all standard-issue police batons in Equestria are made of cork-wood, so that they don't cause any severe harm when used, but the fact that she's actually causing the baton to start breaking with her blows and the fact that she's off-duty means she grabbed a baton off of another officer.

"Police brutality! *Bonk!* I have rights! *Bonk!* Help help, I'm being oppressed by the law! *Bonk!* Changeling Lives Matter! *BASH!*" you shout as you flail your hooves against her, but her helmet protects her head from your hookblade. She doesn't seem to hear you though (combo of her deafness and the sound of the blows of her baton smashing against your armored Bowler canceling out whatever you're saying), and just keeps hitting you.

However, through the beating you manage to catch a glance of something over her shoulder, and it's headed towards you both!

"Look out, runaway flower cart!" some random pony screams as it careens down a hill right at you.

Sure enough you manage to look over Dread's shoulder and see an incoming cart, but she's too busy using your head as a gong to notice it, and at the speed it's heading toward you, you're sure it'll squish you both! You shut your eyes and wait for the inevitable, but as luck would have it, it hits the curb and flips over before it hits either of you, landing harmlessly to the side. Dread glances over, shrugs, and rears the baton back for another blow when a single yellow flower slowly floats down and daintily lands on top of her head.

"GAHH! No!" she screams and falls to the ground, writhing in agony and clutching her head. "My one weakness... so girly! Get it off... GETITOFF!"

"Seriously, flowers?" You say as you slump down and briefly invoke your healing to stop the hat-drum-induced headache. You're about to make a break for it when you spot something in a wastebasket out of the corner of your eye,

"Oh look, a rejected screenplay for Mean Fillies 3: Breaking Dusk in Seaddle, The Musical. Here you go." you quip as you grab the rejected chick flick manuscript and drop it on Dread Judge's face while she's down.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" she yells as you race off to find the mares, hoping to Chrysalis that you never see that particular PAIN unit ever again.

Kichi comment

As you continue running from the cops, you think you've lost them in an alley when suddenly you feel really fatigued.

"Why *pant* Am *pant* I *pant* So *pant* Gorram *pant* Tired?" you pant.

As you catch you breath, you realize that you were pretty lazy ever since you woke up. Normally most changelings would work in the hive or in the field, but lately you've just been ordering ponies around and doing minor work while consuming alot of food and your athletic body gained a couple pounds.

"I got him in my sights!"

"Set spells to stun!"

"Oh come on!" you yell as you run off, adrenaline kicking in as you dodge unicorn blasts.

If only my gorram wings and disguise would work! you mentally yell as you jump over a carrot dog cart, Why the buck do my wings and disguise still not working yet?!

As you feel your adrenaline running out, you decide to use one of THE emergency secret technique. A technique that every changeling knows...

"Look! It's Nightmare Moon!" you shout pointing behind you.

"Where?!"

"Spare me!"

"Mommy!"

With the cops distracted, you use the hookblade to clammer up a building and jump into the nearest open window. You catch your breath, thinking you're safe when you look up and come face to face with a mare taking a bubble bath. There's several moments of awkward silence as you just continue to stare at each other before she starts screaming.

"Sorry! Sorry! I'm leaving!" you hastily apologize as you awkwardly rush out the bathroom before a bottle of shampoo hits you in the back of the head knocking off your hat.

Sugar Swirl comment

As you put your hat back on, you spot an open purse on the table.

I could use some bit-No! I will not be a thief.

At that moment, the mare runs out of the bathroom with a towel around her,

"Did my husband let you in? Actually I don't care, just get the hay out!" before roughly pushing you out the door and onto the hallway.

"Wait, aren't ponies usually naked anyway?" you ask in confusion to nopony in particular.

"There he is! Get him!" you hear Chief Stablemaker's voice say from the end of the hall by the stairs.

"Buck!" you exclaim as you run down the stairs on the opposite side of the hallway... while the three cops with the chief tackle a zebra who just happened to standing in the hallway.

"Not her you fools, him!" the chief exclaims in annoyance, pointing at the staircase you just ran down...

After a crazy chase scene you think you've lost the police. Only to turn around to see a ton of cops all ready to arrest you. Okay in times like this it might best to try something completely nuts.
So nuts it just might work. If there's one thing ponies love it's music. So how about using the power of music and dance to escape.

When you run out the front door of the apartment building, you slam the doors shut and start hastily duct-taping them. Just when you've used up the entire roll, you suddenly feel something slam into the doors from the other side.

"Open this door this instant! That's an order!"

"No can do chief." you smugly reply as you turn around... only to see at least a small company of unicorn and earth ponies cops surrounding you, the unicorns shining spotlight on you from their horns.

"D'OH!"

"Slowly get down on the ground!"

You think that it's game over when out of the corner of your eye spot see a quartet of homeless ponies holding a sign reading,

Will Back-Up Dance for Food

Getting an idea, you quickly toss a Jar of Chocolate Peanut Butter and a Box of Ritz Crackers to them,

"Follow my lead."

-1 Roll of Duct Tape
-3 Boxes of Ritz Crackers
-3 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
remaining in Saddlebags

With that the dancers take up position flanking you and you start singing,

Oh baby, baby...

Several of the cops give you confused looks at this as you saunter forward.

Oh baby, baby...

Suddenly a piano start playing from out of nowhere as you all start dancing.

Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know?

One of the cops starts bobbing his shoulders, but quickly stops under the looks his squadmates are giving him.

That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let, you goooooo

Several cops start subtly moving their hips to the rhythm, not taking their attention off you.

And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be.
Tell me baby,
'Cause I need to know now what we've got!

A few of the cops closest to you join the homeless dancers.

My loneliness is killing me
And IIIIII
I must confess, I still believe!
Still believe.
When I'm not with you I lose my mind,
Give me a siiiiiign!
Hit me baby one more time!

At this point more cops are joining in and you think this crazy plan is workin-

"What the hay are you all doing? Snap out of it this instant!"

When you spot Chief Stablemaker, along with Officers Fluffles and Trotter, shoving past dancing officers trying to get to you.

Uh oh, better skip a bit. you think as you quickly cut to the climax of the song,

Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know...

Suddenly everypony else stops dancing as the unicorns' spotlights all focus on you.

Oh pretty baby
I shouldn't have let you gooooooooo.

You sing as you climb onto the top of a paddywagon.

I must confess!

Everypony dances in sync around you, blocking Chief Stablemaker's path.

That my loneliness
Is killing me nooooooow.
Don't you know I still believe?
That you will be here
And give me a siiiiiiiign!

On this cue, everypony joins in,

"HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!"

My loneliness is killing me
And IIIIIII
I must confess, I still believe.

"Still believe! *smack*" Officer Trotter sings out causing Chief Stablemaker to slap off his cap in annoyance.

When I'm not with you I lose my mind.
Give me a siiiiiign
Hit me baby one more time!

You quickly perform a spinning duck to avoid a flying baton from Stablemaker taking that line literally as the other officers start singing like a chorus.

I must confess

"My loneliness."

That my loneliness.

"Is killing me."

Is killing me noooooow.

"I must confess."

"Don't you know I still believe?"

"When I'm not with you."

That you will be here,

"I lose my mind."

And give me a siiiiiiiign...

Ritz uses his hookshot to transverse the streets of manehatten

With this you whip out your hookblade and grapple it onto a nearby apartment building as you finish,

"See you all some other time!"

Before rappelling yourself out of there as the cops are all stuck in finishing dance poses, Chief Stablemaker trying to snap everypony out of it.

Thank you musical numbers. you think as you use the momentum to swing onto the roof and start roof-running across this apartments in the neighborhood when,

*crash*"D'oooo*crash*oooooo*crash* oooooo *crash* oooooooo-! *thud* Ow!"

You jump to the rotten roof of an abandoned building and fall through several rotting floors.

"Thanks for slowing my fall ya rotten joists." you snark at the building as you get up and invoke your healing factor (again). You're about to head out the front door when...

BrownDog77 comment

You see that the streets are lined with scattered police units (many still humming the song).

I can't just run and heal for much longer. Gotta get new clothes and soon, but how to sneak past all those cops...

You look around hoping for a solution when see something inspiring; A Y.U.M. Cart on the street corner!

"Horrorshow." you comment as you carefully and quickly sneaking from cover to cover (2) you manage to reach under the cart.

"Psst," you whisper to the Diamond Dog vendor who looks around.

"Psst, hey buddy, down here," you whisper. The dog looks down and sees you right below the window.

"Are you talking to me?" he asks.

"Yeah, hey, I need some help."

"Sorry sir, but I'm on the clock. A party of batponies have reserved this spot for a late-night snack and..." he starts before you open your suit flashing the Dimondia Star of Zeal Medal causing his eyes to widen.

"Does this change your mind?"

He immediately stands straight and salutes, but you shush him,

"Put your paws down and quit drawing attention, now can you help me or not?"

"Of course sir, what would you like sir? I have Fried Chicken, Applewood-Smoked Bacon, Shrimp Kebabs, Smoked Turkey Sandwiches..." he starts listing off.

"No, not with food (although I'm low on bits anyway) but I need something else..."

SEVERAL BLOCKS LATER

"Here we are."

You had the Diamond Dog smuggle you in his YUM cart to the nearest place with clothes (which turned out to be a church) and use the cart to obscure the front of the church while you run to the (unlocked) door.

"Thanks, Good Dog." to which he wags his tail. "By the way, how's Diamondia doing?"

"Very well. The last Queen's parting gift turned out to be a massive jackpot. Our kingdom is now richer than most of the towns in Equestria combined," he says happily,"We even hired pony engineers to install a new sewer and plumbing system."

You nod at this, "That's good. Well carry on then, live long and prosper and all that. Oh, and you never saw me," you say as you enter the church.

"Alright then," he says as he picks up the wagon and moves on down, albeit a few bits of food less (3). When you enter the church you can't see anything.

"Oh yeah, nighttime." you comment as you put on and activate Multi-Vision Goggles and set them to Night Vision.

Making your way through the empty church, you manage to find the room where the church stores the clothes for the clothing drive. You take the Gold Lighter out of your suit pocket and use it to light the room's lantern before turning off, retracting, and putting away the Multi-Vision Goggles so you can look at the clothes in the room.

"Time to get rid of these stars..."

Down with Chrysalis comment

Now that you've bought a few minutes away from the cops, you quickly take off your 47 Suit and start digging through the piles of clothes for new threads. The first article of clothing you take out is a Black T-Shirt with a skull logo

The Executionator's Skull Shirt. Nice. you mentally comment as you put it on, Now if only I had something to be vengeful about.

Next you throw aside some florescent orange pants to reveal a grey waistcoat with black lapels.

Cool, just like my namesake's vest! you mentally squee before logic sets in, But no sleeves so no go. Although this would greatly complement my suit and make me look even more like a professional badflank.

With that, you put the Grey Waistcoat on top of the 47 Suit

"47 Suit" has become "Professional Suit"

The next article you dig up is a pair of dark blue paints with striped yellow piping down each side that looks familiar for some reaso-

No gorram way! Hay Solo's pants with second-class Corrallian Bloodstripes! you geek out as you put them on.

I like the way these pants fit... Although now I always have to shoot first lest I want crazed fancolts to swarm me. you mentally snark approvingly as you take out the next item; A black neck gaiter with what looks like a broken gray lightning bolt.

Oooo, the Vigilante Mask from 'Watch Hounds'. Okay game, lousy ripoff of 'Pony of Interest'. you mentally comment as you put it on, Now if only computers were real...

Now with your legs and face sufficiently covered, you move on to the jacket, but you notice something unusual about it;

A double-sided reversible jacket! Just like 'Mission Improbable: Phantom Protocol' without the couch jumping.

You see one side is an old dark green marine jacket with a patch on the shoulder reading "King Kong Company" and a chest patch with a parachute attached to a pair of wings while the other side is a white satin jacket with black cuffs and collar along with an embroidered yellow-gold scorpion on the back.

Hmm... The 'Drive' side will be useful for blending into festive environments like clubs, but the 'Carriage Driver' looks more casual.

With that, you put the jacket on, green marine side facing outwards and while you are a bit disappointed at the jacket not having a sleeve-gun-apparatus, you still can't help but quote,

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to-"

Your quoting is interrupted when you hear knocking on the front door of the church.

"Manehattan Police!"

"What could they want at this hour?" you hear (what you assume to be) the priest going to answer the door.

"No time for cliches, gotta finish changing."

With that, you reach the crowning cherry of this outfit; a black porkpie hat.

HEISENBURRO! you mentally squee putting it on... Only to suddenly feel the urge to cook a crystal meth pizza and throw it onto a roof.

Shrugging off this strange urge, you put on the Multi-Vision Goggles, blow out the lantern, and walk out of the room in your new outfit but can't help but feel like you're forgetting something-

"I'm sorry to bother you father, but we think there might be a dark magic-wielding fugitive in the area."

You reflexively climb up the wall and onto the ceiling as you hear the sound of Officer Trotter and the priest approaching.

"Of course my son, but what does the sinner look like again?" he asks as they both unwittingly pass under you, Trotter shining a light with his horn.

"A male unicorn with black suit, black hat, red scarf, and solid blue eyes."

Buck! Forgot to cover my eyes. you think to yourself, Gotta find some shades and fa- Hello...

Your mental rushing is interrupted when you spot some Blade shades on one of the pews. Using Force Pull you pull, catch, and push the MVG onto your forehead as you on the sunglasses.

"Always bet on bla- Wait, wrong Snipes movie."

With that, you walk on the ceiling and are about to leave the church when your conscience gets the better of you so you leave a Bottle of Painkillers, the Large Jar of Grape Jelly, a Bottle of Mustard, and a Can of Apples Slices by the Poor box as "payment" for the clothes before leaving the church.

"Bowler Hat"
"Red Scarf"
"Professional Suit" (Black pants, black suit, white dresshirt, red tie, and grey waistcoat)
added to Saddlebags

-1 Bottle of Painkillers
-3 Cans of Apple Slices
remaining in Saddlebags

"Black Porkpie Hat"
"Blade Sunglasses"
"Watch Hounds Neck Gaiter"
"Executionator Skull Shirt"
"Reversible Jacket" ('Carriage Driver' side outwards)
"Hay Solo Pants"
added to persopon your body

As you leave the church you look up and see the GTC stars flashing before they disappear. Sure enough when a pair of police officers walk by, they don't even give you a second glance.

"Horrowshow." you comment.

BrownDog77 comment

"OK, now that I'm in the clear, I gotta find Trixie and the others. I can't let them get thrown in jail for this," you say in determination.

Wait, Why do I care?

You stop in your tracks at this thought.

Why do I care what happens to these ponies?

You shake your head and say aloud

"Because they're innocent, and Trixie is my friend..." still, you can't help but think.

The heat is on them, and what can I really do at this point? I already led the cops on a chase, what more do I need to do? They can probably handle it. I should just take this chance and disappear...

And it's true. You didn't ask for this. Heck, if they knew who you really were, they probably wouldn't go out of their way to save you. You nod your head at this point... but then you imagine Trixie in jail alone and hated, after everything she and you went through, and poor little Applebloom and her cousin in juvenile hall, losing their childhood. And even if the Elements are antsy around you, they don't deserve that.

"*Sigh* Gorramit Conscience, why do you have to make everything so complicated."

With that, you start heading off when you realize something.

"Wait, conscience?! When did that get there?" you muse.

You might have been very busy since you woke up in the Everfree, but now that your by yourself you realize that a 'conscience' highly unusual for changelings as normally your kind can't truly feel or perceive empathy, sorrow, compassion, remorse, guilt, or romantic love (although they can fake it very well), but you've been feeling quite a few of those 'pony emotions' lately. You might have been taking a coma nap in the Everfree for a month but surely that can't be enough to explain what made you more pony-like and unlike Private 9001, you're a full-blooded changeling without a pony, donkey, zebra, griffin, minotaur or any other non-changeling creature anywhere in your family lineage-

*growl*

Your musing is interrupted when you feel and hear your stomach growling,

"Nevermind. Eat now muse later."

Down with Chrysalis comment

After losing the cops, you decide to grab a bite to eat... only to realize that you're in one of the most expensive cities in Equestria, you only have 2 Bits on your ~~per~~ ~~pon~~ bug, and it's late in the night so all restaurants and even nightclubs are closing anyway. As you feel sleepiness settling in, you take out 2 chocolate bars and a bottle of vanilla cola and take your time consuming them. Allowing sweet madame caffeine to help keep you awake.

6 Chocolate Bars
3 Bottles of Vanilla Cola
remaining in Saddlebags

SUNRISE, HOURS LATER

After spending all night wandering the city, you find yourself in the neighborhood of Farrier Hill as the sun rises, ending the night. Suddenly you feel a gut feeling (4) that tells you to go into the three story apartment building next to you and go to the third flood.

Weirdly specific... But I'm tired and hungry so I'm not gonna question it. you think as you open the (unlocked of course) front door of the apartment building, climb the stairs to the third floor, and knock on the door your instincts guide you towards. You overhear muffled grumbling from behind the door and approaching hoofsteps before the door opens revealing an annoyed Trixie with her purple and stars sleep mask on her forehead,

"Who are you and what is so important that you can not wait until morning to disturb Trixie?"

“Well seeing how the sun is rising it IS morning. And Hi to you too Trixianna the First.” you say raising your sunglasses to reveal your solid blue eyes.

"Ritz?" she asks, her eyes widening in recognition.

"Well that IS my nam-Woah!"

Suddenly Trixie roughly yanks you into the room with her magic before slamming the door shut and aggressively says,

"You have ALOT of explaining to do 'Ritz DeWitt', if that's even your real name!"

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Their "crowd control" tactics at the Simon and Gallopfunkel concert 5 years ago are still under investigation and they have a particular vendetta against ponies dressed as Santa.

(2) Meaning you ran from the abandoned building's front door to the newspaper vending machine, the fire hydrant, and the lamppost.

(3) The medal only gives a 25% discount and you didn't want to impose on the dog but he insisted on giving you some food. You both settled on you eating the rejected burnt strips of bacon.

(4) AKA the power of plot convenience.

It looks like Ritz has got some splainin to do... (Context: Applejack and Rarity have told Trixie what you told them (but not Trixie) back in Chapter 7: Bed, Breakfast, and Barns)

In case you don't know, we now are moving into the final half of the Manehattan Mysteries arc (link here if the video won't play on this site);

Just remember;
1. NO exposing Ritz as a changeling
2. Don't get caught by the police
3. Don't leave Manehattan (yet)
4. You can't wear your normal Bowler Hat and Suit due to being wanted by the police. There's a reason you got new clothes.

Now that Ritz is acquiring new items and clothes, the list is getting pretty long SO HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

Now for the answers to;

What should be Ritz's new clothes?

-HAT

FOR "Hat"
-Porkpie Hat (Down with Chrysalis)

-EYEWEAR (NOTE: Forgot to include this last time)
Blade sunglasses

-FACE COVERING

hardline-patterned neckwarmer scarf (Erised the ink-moth)

A.K.A. The Vigilante Mask (black neck gaiter with what looks like a broken gray lightning bolt) from Watch Dogs

-SHIRT

Shirt: Punisher Shirt (BrownDog77)

Named the Executionator Skull Shirt here after literary/comic vigilante Frank "The Executionator" Bolan (based on Frank "The Punisher" Castle and Mack "The Executioner" Bolan)

-OUTER WEAR (Multiple Options Chosen cause they're all so good)

Stylish Vest like Booker's from Bioshock Infinite (BrownDog77)

A reversible jacket with two looks;
-Travis Bickle's (Robert De Niro) dark green military jacket from Taxi Driver

if ritz wears a jacket, it should be an old army jacket. (undeadponylord)

OR
-Driver's (Ryan Gosling) white satin jacket with an embroidered golden scorpion on the back from Drive (Down with Chrysalis)

-PANTS

For the pants (in honor of the new star wars movie), let's go with some dark blue pants with Star Wars-style Corrallian Bloodstripes (Erised the ink-moth)

Congratulations to everypony/ling who participated and a Happy Holidays to all those who survived Black Friday

Chapter 19: The Manehattan Connection (Manehattan Mysteries Arc Part 3)

SnapDrakeGames comment

nightmaster0 comment

Kichi comment

As the sun begins to rise outside the apartment, Trixie continues to glare death at you. Literally, as you're relatively certain that her pupils have morphed into the shape of the grim reaper in some cartoon-ish expression of fury, although you're not quite sure how.

"W-What?" you ask in confusion with a hint of nervousness, "What do you mean by that, Trixie?"

"Oh, don't play dumb with Trixie," Trixie growls, "Rarity and Applejack just explained to me how you're apparently some rogue agent from some dark 'Organization.'"

"...So why did you ask if Ritz was my real name?"

Trixie's look becomes perplexed. "What do you mean?"

"Well," you explain, "If you got your information from Applejack and Rarity, you should already know that Ritz DeWitt is just a code name. I've told them that already. So why confront me with 'You have a lot of explaining to do Ritz DeWitt, if that's even your real name?' if you already know the answers"

"Well..." Trixie responds with her expression becoming a bit more downcast,. "...It felt dramatically appropriatel." She glares back up at you. "And it still is! Ritz or... whatever your name is! You've been keeping secrets from me!"

"...And?" you ask causing Trixie's look to grow angrier, "No, seriously. What's the big deal with that?"

"The big deal is that the police are after us. Not only that, but they even say you've been using dark magic! Please tell me you didn't steal the diamond!" Trixie demands.

"Well of course I didn't!" you defend, "If all I wanted were gems, I would've just filled your wagon with the jewels from that gemfield and left you in Dimondia. And that 'dark magic' was just tricks I learned from some Neighponese book."

"Alright... But where were you last night?" Trixie asks.

"Oh just leading the colts in blue in a merry little game of one-way tag, what about you?" you snark.

"We managed to escape via the subways to my sister's apartment." you hear a deep-ish Manehattan-accented filly voice say.

You and Trixie both turn to see the mares and fillies walking into the room. Apple Bloom and Babs Seed are rubbing sleep out of their eyes, Fluttershy is shyly staying in the back, and Rarity and Applejack glare daggers when they see you.

"Nice to see you too." you snark at Rarity and Applejack.

"Ritz... we're you just using me as cover all this time?" Trixie say's with a hurt look in her eyes, "I thought we shared something I thought we we're friends. Was everything a lie?"

You turn back to her in shock and confusion,

"Trixie? I don't understand what you're talking abou-"

"You seriously don't understand her?" Applejack cries trotting forward to put a hoof around Trixie, "I don't believe this! Obviously she's upset that you've been lying to her!"

"What? I didn't lie to her!" you reply.

"Wha- yes you did!" Trixie screams, "Why haven't you told Trixie about this 'Organization' or your fugitive status?"

"Because you never asked me directly." you counter.

Trixie seems taken aback by this, but Applejack just seems angrier than ever.

"Oh wouldya lookit yerself, ya two-faced varmit! The way I see it, she has plenty of reason to be mad! What if the you got found out and disappeared, and Trixie had no idea what happened to you? What if by not telling her, you were putting her in even more danger? Not telling Trixie about the Organization is just as bad as lying to her. Yer hiding information ta save yer own hide. What's the matter with ya?"

"Save my own- what?" you stammer in disbelief. "OK, you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about my character and motivations that you can't possibly be able to back up."

"I don't need to back them up," Applejack growls. "I know yer type, 'Mr. DeWitt.' And I don't take kindly to 'em."

"What is with you, mare?" you explode. "Just because you're the Element of Honesty doesn't give you the right to go accusing anypony of faulty morals and go all 'holier than thou' on ponies you don't like. You Apples ain't exactly paragons of virtues yourselves. Need I remind you of your invasion of the Buffalo Tribes lands?"

"That has nothing to do with it!" Applejack screams back, "The important part here is that yer acting without consideration for others feelings. Look how badly you've hurt yer friend!" She turns to Trixie, but seems surprised to find her less steaming mad and more failing to follow what's going on and ending up confused as heck.

"Alright, alright, stop it, both of ya!" Babs screams as she gets in between you two. "Obviously you're having some moral disagreement or whatever, but can't it wait? We're kind of trying to figure out how to clear our names, and infighting won't help anypony!"

The logical part of your mind tells you that she's right. Deciding to get the last word in non-verbally, you shoot Applejack one last stink eye which combined with Babs' admonishment causes her expression soften into something a little guiltier.

"Um... I'm sorry. Truce?" she asks eventually, shoving a hoof in your direction.

"...Yeah. For now. Truce." You shake her hoof, sealing the deal, and then turn to Trixie,

"Look, if it's any consolation, I'm really sorry if I hurt you or anything. I do care for you." to your surprise, you find that's not a lie, "You're one of my first friends and I would never hurt you on purpose. Can you forgive a stupid bu-er unicorn?"

Trixie just gives a shaky nod and a smile, before suddenly hugging you.

"Thank you Ritz for sticking by me and everything you've done to help Trixie."

"Thanks Trixie." you say hugging her back.

"Hmm hmm." you both hear somepony clearing their throat. You open you're eyes to see the 3 elements and the fillies. All of them looking at you two with strange looks but you can see that Rarity has a smirk on her face, causing Trixie to quickly jump away from you with a blush.

"But how did you manage to escape the police." Apple Bloom asks.

"Well after Trixie threw down the smoke bomb..."

BrownDog77 comment

Rarity points out that your Pork Pie Hat isn't Black but Taupe Brown (one of the darkest shades of tan).

ONE RECAP LATER

"...And then Trixie yanked me into this apartment."

After you finish your tale, you see the 6 mares giving you strange looks creating an awkward silence. A silence that is surprisingly broken by Fluttershy.

"Um... what happened in between?"

"What, I told you what happened." you respond.

"Ya didn't tell us nothin." Applejack points out, All you did was say 'Well after Trixie threw down the smoke bomb', stood still for a few minutes, and then said 'And then Trixie threw down the smoke bomb'."

"Wait, I did-er didn't I mean- Gah!" you exclaim in confusion of how to properly respond to Applejack's phrasing.

"It felt like something Pinkie would do." Apple Bloom adds.

"Strange, I could have sworn I was given some sort of cue that I explained everything." you muse before shaking that thought off and start actually explaining what happen during your chase around the city. The fillies laugh at some part of the story like you're little song and dance with the police, but all of them (Trixie in particular) look worriedly at you at some parts like your encounter with Dread Judge.

"...And then Trixie yanked me into this apartment."

"Well that explains your mish-mash of an outfit." Rarity comments, "Especially the Taupe Brown hat."

"It's not a top hat, it's a pork pie like Heisenburro's in Baking Ba- Hey! Quit it!" you exclaim as you clutch your hat tightly onto your head when Rarity tries to levitate it off your head.

"I'm just trying to take a closer look darling."

"I have a condition, remember 'darling'?" you snark back.

With an indignant hhmph, Rarity instead walks closer to you, inspects your hat and proclaims,

"As I suspected; Taupe Brown-"

"I told you, it's not a top hat." you respond.

"Not top hat, Taupe." Rarity annunciates, "One of the darkest shades of tan that almost appears dark brown and can thus be confused for black in dark lighting."

"Black Porkpie Hat" renamed "TaupeDark Brown Pork Pie Hat"

"Annnnyway..." Trixie interrupts, "Trixie is pretty sure we have more pressing matters to attend to."

"Yeah, like why you didn't even tell me you were working with the Manehattan Police." you say.

Trixie gives a heavy sigh before explaining,

“I’m sorry about not keeping you in the loop Ritz, but Chief Stablemaker asked me not to leak the information to anypony else so as to avoid the possibility of leaks."

“No it’s alright,” you wave your hoof, “You were just following orders… Although I guess it didn’t really work out in the long run- yeah I had a long night so I need some sleep.”

"Got no time for that partner, sun's already up."

"*sigh*Real horrorshow." you snark as you take out and down a Bottle of Orange-Cream Energy Shot to jolt yourself awake.

“Yeah… so now we have to figure out a way to bring the real Rough Diamond to justice and clear our names!” she says.

“I like the sound of that, now lets get that letter started." you say which causes everypony to look at you in confusion.

"Um... What letter?" Trixie asks.

"You know, a letter to a new Princess who could easily resolve this issu- And you guys didn't even think of that." you say, deadpan interrupting your own explanation, "Great, it's the Ponyville dome all over agai-"

"Actually Trixie did consider that." Trixie interrupts.

"Come again?"

"Yes darling, Trixie asked us to just send a letter to Twilight so she could sort out this mess, but Twilight is too busy preparing for her first princess summit in the Crystal Empire."

"She even scheduled the exact date, time, and train number we would meet back at Ponyville Station after we come back from Manehattan so she could help us prepare to come to the summit with her." Applejack adds.

"I'm pretty sure clearing the names of her best friends AND Equestria's heroes would take precedence over some petty scheduling and preparation." you deadpan.

"Clearly you do NOT know Twilight." Applejack says, shaking her head.

"Well you guys did run me off after only a few days, remember?" you snark.

"We never chased you out, you left!" Applejack counters.

"I thought ya said ya had a truce." Babs points out.

"Sorry." you and Applejack comment at the same time.

"Trixie also realized that even if we sent a letter to Twilight, by the time the letter reaches Ponyville, Rough Diamond would have more than enough time to flee the city thus eliminating any chance we have of capturing her." Trixie explains.

"In that case we better get started planning our next move in... whereever we are." you ask as you notice the apartment you're all in illuminated by the rising sun.

"Oh, this is my apartment." Babs explains, "I live here with my big sis, Sunflower, but she's sick right now so she's letting us stay here as long as we don't disturb her."

“Hey now, that reminds me, How in the hay did you even find this place?” Applejack asks.

“Umm… I don’t know exactly, I just had a feeling I had to come here,” you say as you rub your temple in confusion.

“You had a feeling? That’s it?” she says incredulously.

“What do you want from me, a full ponypoint presentation? I don’t know how I knew to come here, I just knew,” you shoot back.

“Well it is mighty odd seeing as how none of us, aside from Babs, knew about this place before coming here,” adds Rarity.

“Ugh, I don’t know alright?” you snarl.

“Perhaps it has something to do with Ritz being part Bat Pony?” suggests Trixie.

“Say what now?” asks Applejack. You are confused a little at first, before you remember the cover that Jim unknowingly came up with for you in Dimondia.

“Yes, Ritz is part Bat Pony, that’s why he’s able to eat… meat,” Trixie says with a gag, followed by the others to which you roll your eyes at. “But maybe that has something to do with him finding us?”

They all look at Fluttershy.

“Well some animals like bugs or geese are able to find their peers, even when they’ve moved locations, so… maybe?”

“Alright yeah, let’s go with that for now,” you comment hoping to drop the subject, because the whole Bug thing might hold water.

"If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction." Trixie says in a faux-Shakespearean accent before you suddenly levitate a lampshade onto her head.

"What was that for?"

"Hanging a lampshade. Anyway, can we re-focus on the evil thieving mare and how we’re going to catch her?” *growl* "Preferably over breakfast."

You all then put your heads together over a breakfast of Eggs in the Baskets and orange juice. You all realize that her string of robberies always adhere to a pattern to a certain kind of Jewelry, and that if she’s still in town, there will definitely be another. You all just have to figure it out.

“Alright, where would the most rare and expensive jewelry be in this city?” you ask Rarity.

“Why for priceless heirlooms, the museum most definitely.”

“Alright, we need two groups, one group to scope out the museum, and the other group scowering pawn shops and jewelry stores for her already stolen items.”

“You think Rough Diamond would actually try to sell the diamond in this city?” asks Trixie.

“Thieves want money Trix, you and I both know you can’t get by without it.” you point out.

“Alright, but who goes into each team?” asks Fluttershy.

You all decide that the museum team should be the most inconspicuous and sneakiest of the group, which turn out to be Fluttershy and Applebloom. While you are the sneakiest of the bunch, you still feel that your talents of looking through pawn shops and the like would be much more beneficial. Plus, Babs as a native knows where these kinds of shops are, while the Museum is a tourist destination and thus more obvious to find anyway.

“Alright team, we know what we have to do… but first, let’s get you all disguised…”

MULTIPLE COSTUME CHANGES, A DEBRIEFING, AND A "LET'S DO THIS!" LATER

“Why do I have to be the grandmother?” whines Trixie, wearing a light blue flowered dress, purple glasses, and a poofy gray wig.

“Because you’re face is plastered everywhere by now, and thanks to the show, ponies know what you look like, we have to make you as unrecognizable as possible,” you say wearing the same outfit as yesterday, but now with the 'Drive' side of the Reversible Jacket facing outwards.

“But still, a Grandmother?” she pouts.

“Hey… snrk… it’s not that bad, heh heh,” you chuckle.

“Ritz DeW- I mean Ash Bruegger, I will slap you!” she threatens.

“No Granny No!” you cry in mock horror and everyling gets a good chuckle out of that, eventually even her.

We now see you, Trixie, Babs (blue sunhat and purple feather boa), Applejack (brown 10 gallon hat, mustache, and red poncho), and Rarity (purple shawl and red glasses), searching the Diamond District. You've been to six stores and still no luck finding any leads and are now entering a 7th store. While Babs and Trixie have a private chat and you keep watch out the window for cops, Applejack, and Rarity find some stolen items that Rough Diamond had just fenced.

“The thief must have taken the gems out of the necklace to sell them!” Rarity says.

"Hey, you! Git over here!" Applejack calls to the salespony, but he doesn't hear her.

["Hold on, let me get him for ya." you offer.

"Get him?" Applejack asks in confusion.

"Aquila Talon."

"Wait Ritz NO!" Trixie realizes and exclaims too late as you eject your hookblade, wrapping it around the stallion,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI_t3DB6wyw&feature=youtu.be&t=7m57s)

"GET OVER HERE!" you yell as retract and pull to slam the salespony's head into the counter.

“WHOAH NELLY!”

“OH MY GOODNESS!”

"SWEET CELESTIA!"

“TALK OR DIE PUNK!” you yell at the terrified stallion as you throttle him by his necktie.

"RITZ! What are you doing!" Trixie exclaims.

“What the hay's the matter with ya?!” yells Applejack.

“I’m inducing fear into him since he’s being uncooperative! Classic Good Cop Bad Cop!” you respond, not taking your eyes off the stallion.

“But you didn’t even try good cop, you went straight to bad and beyond!” yelps Rarity.

"You didn't even ask him any questions!" Babs adds.

“I… Oh.” you say as you realize you skipped a few steps. “Guess I’m a bit rusty on how these things works. It's like that spooky castle all over aga-Hey!” you yelp as Applejack roughly shoves you away from the poor stallion.

“I’m sorry about that pardner,” she says.

“Please! I’ll tell you anything! Just don’t hurt me!” he begs.

“Uh, well, OK then,” she says.

You turn around and see Trixie and Babs giving you “Really?” glances to which you just shrug and chuckle.

“Hey it worked didn’t it?”

“Well to be fair, I had a similar plan, although it had considerably more finesse and less brutishness.” says Rarity.

“Ugh, everyling’s a critic,” you mumble.

After getting the information that Rough Diamond was there a week ago disguised in a cloak, you all leave the store with Rarity telling the salespony to contact the police and tell them the gems he's selling were stolen.

"About time we got a lea- Wait did you tell him to call the cops?" you ask Rarity.

"Well of course, the gems were stolen after all." she responds.

"Didn't it occur to you he might also say about the Stallion who just hook-shotted his face into a counter."

"Oh... Maybeeee he'll forget about that minor detail." Rarity offers doubtfully.

"Yeah, he could go to that brunch deal at the bagel place I took my new last name from, chat up some ponies, find his soulmate, and fly to Stalliongrad to become tag-team luchador-sumos. Orrrr he could be waving down the cops right now." you snark pointing behind the mares causing them all to turn to see the salesponies doing just that.

"Uh oh, scatter formation; ROACH! Scatter scatter!" you exclaim as you run off. After quickly running a few blocks, you duck into a nearby crowd. When you think nopony's paying attention to you, you quickly swap your Dark Brown Pork Pie for your Bowler and turn your Reversible Jacket so the Carriage Driver side is facing outwards to help throw off any pursuers. Once you've finished your brief costume adjustment, you decide to look where you fled into and realize that you...

Accidentally stumble into a mayoral election campaign by real estate mogul, celebrity blowhard, occasional psuedo-pro wrestler, and possible-Oompa Loompa Donald Trumpkin

Wandered into a mayoral election rally... with real estate mogul, celebrity blowhard, occasional psuedo-pro wrestler, and possible-Oompa Loompa, Donald Trumpkin giving a speech?

"...when I become Mayor of Manehattan, I will build a grand wall around this city that will be so high, mighty, and impenetrable that it will keep out the Griffonstone 'refugees' AND those job-stealing donkeys!"

"They took our jobs!"

"Dey terk er jerbs!"

"Durka dur!" the crowd stupidly responds.

"But what if it rains? If the wall's too high to fly out and too impenetrable to breach then we'd all drown!" you quip from the crowd.

"Uh... Let's make Manehattan great again!" Trumpkin proclaims, changing the subject and causing the audience to cheer.

Now you would be overwhelmed by the raw ego, stupidity, and hate in the air (changeling, remember?), but your 'Carriage Driver' jacket gives you a strange urge.

"Kill Donald Trumpkin."

In a trance, you turn your bracelet into the 'Aquila Talon' bracer and make your way through the cheering crowd towards the podium.

"Kill Donald Trumpkin. Kill Donald Trumpkin. Kill Donald Trumpkin!"

When you've gotten close enough, you're about to assassin-leap into the air and jam your hookblade into the would-be mayor's toupee when you feel a hoof on your shoulder,

"Ritz- I mean Ash, snap out of it!"

You turn to see Trixie there,

"Trixie- I mean Granny? How'd you find me?"

"While you did lose us back there with that hat and jacket change, Rarity recognized your Hay Solo pants."

"Did we lose the cops?"

"There were no cops to begin with!" Trixie exclaims in exasperation, "You just ran off in a panic!"

"Oh... I guess I pulled a 9001 back there." you say sheepishly.

"A wha-"

"Organization slang." you quickly hoofwave.

"*Sigh* Just come with me away from this attention-whorse before they stop cheering and overhear us."

With that you follow Trixie out of the crowd, but quickly stop to Force Pull Trumpkin's toupee off.

"No! The source of my powers!" he exclaims as his [blindly bald head is revealed, reflecting the sun into the crowd's eyes.

"Bald! Bald Bald! Bald!" the crowd points and chants fearfully.

"MY EYES!!!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADkLBtSGKMo)

"Heh heh heh." you snicker as Trixie rolls her eyes (but also with a smile).

"Well that was a pointless detour." Babs comments when you and Trixie regroup, "Come on, Apple Bloom and Fluttershy are probably done scouting the museum by now."

MANEHATTAN MUSEUM, NIGHT

Back at Babs apartment, Fluttershy put forth her theory that Rough Diamond is going to steal the Forehoof Diamond from the museum tonight. After narrowing down the suspects to somepony in the police (ruling out Trixie's assistants due to you keeping a close eye on them... especially since you frequently needed to give them stage tips from your changeling experience) you all go out that night to set up camp outside the museum in hopes of catching Rough Diamond. Trixie and Babs are in black beanies and turtlenecks, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Fluttershy are wearing full-body suits, Rarity is in a stylish dark blue turtleneck and hat, and you're back in your Professional Suit and Bowler Hat along with the Watch Hounds Neck Gaiter (no scarf as it could get caught in something). You all see two police officers (one earth pony, one unicorn) outside the museum keeping a careful watch.

"How do we get past em?" Babs ask. In response you offer,

"I got this. I'll sneak in close and hit em with 'Inspire Hate' so they'll start fighting and-"

*poof*

"What was that?" one officer exclaims.

"Let's check it out!" the other proclaims as they both run off towards some smoke near a Starswirl the Bearded statue.

"Or Trixie could used that smoke bomb I set up earlier while placing our pizza order."

"Oh... That works too." you comment causing the other mares to roll their eyes at you.

"Anyway..." you say as activate the Multi-Vision Goggles "Let's do this." As you all start sneaking into the museum...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

Now that Ritz is acquiring new items and clothes, the list is getting pretty long SO HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

Alright commenters, next chapter is the ending of the Manehattan Mysteries arc;

As for the guidelines;
1. The arc is coming to a close so give it all you got!
2. NO exposing Ritz as a changeling
3. We have an unlucky changeling in a museum with plenty of fragile historical artifacts and carefully-built exhibits going after a master thief. Shame if anything were to happen to them during a chase or something... :pinkiecrazy:

As for this chapter's Question: What did you guys think of the Season 5 finale, The Cutie Remark?

Yes, that was a few weeks ago but I still want to hear your thoughts on it.

Chapter 20: Night at the Museum (Manehattan Mysteries Arc Part 4)

MidnightFMare

As you and your party enter the museum in the dead of night with Trixie and Rarity providing unicorn horn light and you with your night-vision Multi-Vision Goggles, you realize something,

"Wait a minute."

"What?" the group asks you simultaneously.

"In case things goes wrong, we need a plan in case the cops show up. Fluttershy, you and Babs are the hardest to notice in a crowd so use that to help lose the cops."

"Why am I the hardest to notice?" Babs asks, furrowing her brow at you.

"Because you're short." You reply as-a-matter-of-factly, "Trixie and I will stick together, the two of us being partners the longest." you turn to Applejack and Applebloom, "You two are the strongest so you two are going to be the ones who, if worse comes to worse, will charge through the police, carving out a path like a pair of apple bowling balls through badge-wearing pins."

"But ah stink at bowling." Apple Bloom points out.

"In that case just stick close to your sis."

Applebloom salutes and Applejack shoots you a sour look or distrust, but eventually nods.

"What about moi, darling?" Rarity asks, fluttering her eyes.

"Uh... Flirt, I guess? Distraction? I don't know, you're really just a pretty face and you can't really do magic on Trixie's level. You're kind of the 'Aquamare' of the team."

Babs giggles at this and you hoof bump each other.

"Anyway, now that you know your roles, here's the whole emergency plan..."

ONE EXPLANATION LATER

"And that's the genius plan!" you finish, holding up the picture of the plan.

"Uhm... you did it again..." Fluttershy coughs nervously

"Did what?" you ask.

"Ya didn't say anything ya nitwit!!" Applejack yells under her breath.

You roll your eyes "Honestly! Do you need me to draw you a picture? Oh, wait, I did!" you snark, "Just follow my lead, and there's a 20% chance Applebloom won't need to learn prison rules."

"What's prison rules?"

"Well first off, don't drop the-" (1)

"OKAY! Let's get going, shall we?!" Trixie yells in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

Kichi comment

"Okay, let's divide so that we can cover more space..." you say, "Trixie, me, and the foals will be Alpha Squad while Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack will be Beta Squad."

"Why do I have to be in a separate group from mah sister?" Apple Bloom asks.

"The teams are like this so that both teams are more or less equally powerful with one half having a great and powerful magician, a veteran with a particular set of skills, and two foals while the other has half the Elements of Harmony."

Plus it keeps me away from Applejack. you mentally add.

"Now wait a doggone minute," Applejack says, "Who put you in charge?"

"Because I was the first one to start giving out plans and orders and noling-er-pony bothered to challenge me. Plus I'm the one wearing the cool goggles." you say pointing to your Multi-Vision Goggles.

"He does make a good point there, darling." Rarity adds.

"Alrighty then, let's catch that thief and clear our names!" you declare.

Nodding, the party splits into two teams and begins to search the museum. Alpha Squad finds itself in the Ancient Saddle Arabia exhibit when you suddenly feel a hoof on your back.

"What is it Trixie?" you ask.

"What are you talking about? Trixie didn't say anything." she responds from further ahead

"Then who was that?"

You both turn to see a groaning pony wrapped in bandages right behind you.

"Gaaahhh!!! THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY!" you and Trixie scream before bolting off when you hear two voices yell,

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUMMY CATCHERS, YAY!!!"

"Now's not the time!!!" you shout as you grab the fillies and run off.

"Let me at him, Mr. DeWitt!!! I wanna get my Cutie Mark in catching a mummy!" Babs protests.

5 MINUTES EARLIER

We see the elderly night guard of the museum walking out of the restroom reading a newspaper when suddenly he trips and falls into a stack of toilet paper rolls left behind by the janitor. Tangled and disoriented, the security guard stumbles around calling for help, but only groaning can be heard beneath the paper.

Suddenly he hears screaming which startles him into falling into an open sarcophagus that closes shut when he falls in. Trapped in an ancient coffin and covered in toilet paper he can only think,

I wonder if it's not too late to accept that job offer for Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange...

BACK TO YOU

"Okay... I think we lost it..." you pant as you catch your breath.

"Why'd ya do that Ritz? We could've gotten our Cutie Marks in Mummy Catching" Apple Bloom groans.

"Yeah, I don't think your sister would let me live if something happened to you girls... Anyway, where are we?" you ask as you look around and find yourself in the dinosaur exhibit.

BrownDog77 comment

You briefly believe that you see the giant Dinosaur Skeleton moving and looking at you, but when you turn to face it, it's all normal.

"Calm Down Ritz, get ahold of yourself." you mutter to yourself as your about to leave when you see Beta Squad enter your green-tinted night-vision view.

"Beta Squad, any luck?"

"No." Applejack respond.

"Alright, lets just head to the Forehoof Diamond display."

ONE SNEAKING IN MONTAGE LATER

We now find all of you in the room where the Forehoof Diamond is the centerpiece.

"If I were a thief, I'd come down through the skylights... I'll keep watch up top," you tell them as you use your changeling abilities to climb up the wall and onto the ceiling.

"Everypony else, stay hidden, and be ready," you call out.

SOME TIME LATER...

You've lost track of time as it feels like you've been waiting on the ceiling for hours. You're currently ronching on a sugarcube to stay awake when you hear a scraping noise from your elevated position.

"The heck is that?" you wonder.

Listening closely, you find the source as the above skylight, where a silhouette is seen cutting the window. You're about to call out to the others when you hear the thief muttering to herself,

"Alright girl, just hop in, get the loot, then it's off to Las Pegasus to meet with that Buggy Fence. He better come through with the goods..."

Buggy fence? you think to yourself, being caught off guard, Does she mean a changeling? Are there others still out there? Did the Queen escape?

Unfortunately during your musing, Rough Diamond was able to rope down obliviously past your hidden form and is approaching the glass case where the diamond is. Snapping out of it, leap out for her from the ceiling and tackle the burglar.

"Hold it, ya sneaky varmint!"

But unfortunately the others charge in too and soon you find yourselves in a jumbled dogpile. You lash out and headbutt the thief in your grasp with your Bowler and you hear a cry of pain, but she manages to throw out a smoke bomb and wriggle out of your hooves in the confusion. You quickly dive forward and tackle somepony.

"I got her, I got her!" you say as you start throttling the pony in your hooves.

"Let... go... please..." wheezes a mare's voice

Then all of a sudden, alarms are heard and all the lights turn back on, the smoke clears, and you see you are actually strangling Rarity.

"What the? How'd you get here?" you ask to the mare who is quickly turning blue.

"Let go of her ya dingbat!" yells Applejack, who is tangled up in the alarm strings.

"Oh, right," you say as you let her go.

"GGGYYYAAAAGGGHHH!!!" she gasps loudly before coughing.

"Sorry, sorry! I thought you were Rough-*pow*" you try to apologize when Rarity punches you in the throat.

"You brute! You nearly crushed my windpipe!" she snarls.

"Guess we're even now." you weakly manage to cough-snark while clutching your throat, "But where did Rough Diamond go?" you ask before pushing up your Multi-Vision Goggles (night vision's no good in the light) and looking around. Aside from everypony being tangled up, she's nowhere in sight.

"Freeze Dirt Bags!"

You all look around and see the Police surrounding you.

As everyone starts surrendering, and blaming your group for this robbery, you notice one of the mare cops has a bleeding nose,

"Her! It's her! She's Rough Diamond!" you accuse pointing at her.

The mare herself smiles and says.

"Well that's pathetic, permission to use the restroom sir?" she asks Chief Stablemaker.

"Permission granted, Officer Fluffles."

With a nod, "Fluffles" walks away.

"NO! IT'S HER! I SWEAR IT! Look, her cutie mark is even messed-*WHACK*"

You are interrupted by a hard smack to the back of your Bowler, making you fall to the ground.

"A likely story scum. Attempting to frame an officer of the law, 5 years dungeon..." comes a cold scary voice.

You gulp and look behind you and see Dread Judge in full armor giving you a death glare,

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" you yell as you close your eyes and brace yourself and throw down a Thundercloud Orb which creates a blinding flash of light and a deafening crack of thunder which stuns and disorients the police as a dark grey cloud fills the area. You quickly put on your Multi-Vision Goggles, set them to "Thermal Vision", grab as much of your group as you can, and bark,

"Initiate emergency plan now!"

"WHAT!" they yell.

Realizing that your group is still stunned from that Thundercloud Orb, you quickly use the cover of the cloud to move the group into a line with Applejack and Apple Bloom in front and push them yelling, "CHARGE!!!"

1 Thundercloud Orb
Remaining

Quickly understanding what you mean, Applejack and Apple Bloom charge forward and smash through a trio of stunned Policeponies with the rest of you following close behind them. Your party is making some distance between you and the cops but you realize,

That cloud should provide enough cover to lose those co-.

"HALT PUNK!"

"BUCK!" you scream as you realize that Dread Judge is charging in behind your party and closing in fast!

Gotta slow her down, but how- Oh hello there.

Spotting a button near the hallway entrance where you and your group is charging towards you yell,

"Aquila Talon!" and throw your hoof forward ejecting your hookblade into the button which causes the reinforced steel door to start collapsing. As your party blindly runs forward on instinct (still disoriented from the flashbang) you quickly stop to Force Pull a nearby trash can at the charging Dread. The trash can just bounces off her helmet without stopping her, but it disorients her just enough to allow you to quickly dive and slide under the closing door just as it slams shut-

*THUD*

And you look back to see a pony-shaped imprint in the reinforced steel door Dread just smashed into. Snickering vindictively, you turn back to the girls only to see them in a pile smushed against the wall.

"What happened here?" you ask as you deactivate and push up the Multi-Vision Goggles.

"Well somepony threw down a Thundercloud Orb and had us just charge forward while still blind and deaf." Trixie snarks as the mares get up.

"Yeah, how bout a little warning next time!" Babs agrees as the girls shake off their disorientation.

"Oh, sorry about that but we needed to lose that psycho fas-"

"LOCK DOWN THE MUSEUM! THE FUGITIVES ARE STILL IN THE BUILDING!" you hear Chief Stablemaker declare.

"D'oh!" you exclaim.

"So what's the plan now, boss." Applejack snarks.

"Well the plan is..." you start when you spot Officer Fluffles/Rough Diamond running off.

"There she is! After her!" you yell as you all begin to give chase.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) In Equestrian prisons, bathing is serious business so bars of soap should NEVER touch the floor. Failure to abide by this custom will result in ritualistic towel-whipping by the other inmates.

Now that Ritz is acquiring new items and clothes, the list is getting pretty long SO HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

Looks like things are kicking into high gear now!

You have your group chasing master-thief Rough Diamond, the cops (including a relentless one-mare-SWAT-team) chasing you guys, and you're all in a major museum filled with MANY priceless and ancient exhibits and artifacts. Such a ripe environment for destructive action-packed shenanigans, don't you think? :pinkiecrazy:

Next chapter is the concluding, closing, final finale of the Manehattan Mysteries arc so GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!!!

Only a few guidelines;
1. Don't leave the museum. Let's keep the action in one building, m'kay.
2. No exposing Ritz as a changeling.
3. No killing, but remember that Dread Judge is a very tough P.A.I.N. unit (think a Judge Dredd-style armored supercop minus the guns) so she can take ALOT of punishment (so feel free to drop an entire machine on her, blast her with a giant firework, spill some soda so she slips, anything like that)
4. USE THE ENVIRONMENT! For context, try imaging you're directing an action sequence inside a museum. Collateral damage and destruction are HIGHLY encouraged.
5. Catch Rough Diamond!

Have fun!

Chapter 21: Do the Sorta-Kinda-Right Thing (Manehattan Mysteries Arc Finale)

MidnightFMare comment

You're about tot give chase after Officer "Fluffles"/Rough Diamond when you all hear battering on the sealed door.

"I never thought Stablemaker would be desperate enough to deploy a P.A.I.N. unit against us..." you worry.

OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR

"Um... Specialist Judge" Chief Stablemaker asks with a hint of caution as the other officers keep their distance from the PAIN unit smashing against the reinforced door, "May I ask what are you even doing here? I didn't receive any notification from the mayor that you've been deploye-"

"Not orders, personal." Dread Judge growls as she continues ramming the sealed doors, "Nopony spills my Coco-moo and lives free to brag about it."

"O... kay..." Stablemaker comments while taking a few steps back.

BACK TO YOU

As the door starts to weaken, you turn to Applejack and Applebloom and sigh,

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Applejack, I need to throw your sister."

"You WHAT?!" Applejack, Applebloom, and Babs yell.

"I don't want to put her in danger either, but we need to catch Rough DIamond before that armored psycho smashes down that door and grinds us all into powder. Look, I throw Applebloom at the thief and she can hold her down while I restrain her."

"You ain't throwing me/my cuz/mah sister!" the Apples all shout.

"Surrender and you will all be punished slowly." Dread Judge monotones, obviously getting ready to charge again.

"Rarity, I need you to embrace your stereotype!" you say turning to the fashionista, "I need you to take Fluttershy and do your girly thing on Dread Judge!"

"Excuse me?" she asks indignantly.

"How will that help?" Fluttershy asks.

"That's her weakness, girly things! Now when she rams down that door, I need you to turn up all that cuteness to 11 and Rarity, you distract them with your charm, use those hips and don't be afraid to turn some head-"

*CRASH*

Your planning is interrupted by Dread smashing through the reinforced door and coming at you, but at that moment an errant pink hair touches her.

"GAAAAHHH!!! It's too... cute..." Dread yells keeling over.

"Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh my!" Fluttershy exclaims running over to the fallen PAIN to help her up, but her adorable touch just causes Dread to keel up even more in agony.

Chief Stablemaker and some more police stallions come in after Dread at your group as well, but stop in confused shock when they see Dread curling up in agony and fear at the adorable Pegasus trying to help her up.

"What in the..."

"Oh boys..." Rarity coos, fluttering her eyes and sashaying her hips, immobilizing the stallions (and a few mares) in a seductive trance.

"Trixie can do sexy too..." Trixie pouts, snapping you out of your trance,

Gorram, she's better at that than I thought. you mentally comment as you noticed that Rough Diamond had paused to stare at this scene as well.

"Go Applebloom! Use Head-butt!" you yell, picking up the stunned filly and throwing her like javelin at the "officer" causing her to shriek as Applejack nearly bucks you in the face, but you dodge and she ends up bouncing off the wall and falling flat on her face. Fortunately, Applebloom lands on Fluffles/Rough Diamond's back and starts trying to put her in a headlock.

"Stop that you insufferable hick!" the thief yells.

"My cuz ain't a hick you whorse!" Babs yells in indignation.

Everyone turns to her and Rough Diamond shakes her head in shock "Such language..."

"Applejack, use lass-*whack* Ow!" you yell as Applejack haymakers you in the head (your hat taking most of the impact) knocking you down. The farm pony then charges at Fluffles/Rough Diamond, but the thief grabs and throws Applebloom at Applejack who slams into her chest and knocks them both out, spirals where their eyes should be.

"Real horrorshow..." you snark as you rush over and lift Applejack's hat to pull out her lasso and start twirling it over your head,

"Come on... I've seen guys do this hundreds of times..." you mutter as you throw the lasso and...

"Ulk! Oof!" Accidentally lasso Trixie who ran around to try to tackle Rough Diamond from behind and end up tripping up the showmare who falls on her face.

"D'oh!" you exclaim as you quickly run forward to grab Rough Diamond...

Love the Changeling comment

"Come quietly so I can punish you!" Dread yells, having snapped out of her fluttershock and is charging straight at you.

"Buck!" you exclaims as you reach behind you to hopefully grab something cute and girly to stop her from advancing, "PUPPY-DOG EYES GO!"

"Let me go ya varmint!" the orange pony you're holding as a shield growls and you quickly realize that you grabbed Applejack.

"Gorramit! You're not cute or girly!"

"What did ya say!!?" Applejack exclaims in indignation as she kicks forward out of your grip causing her rear hooves to slam straight into the charging Dread's chin which sends her smashing face-first into an ancient vase.

"Nice teamup-*pow*" You barely have enough time to thank her before she haymakers you in the head again, "Consider that payback varmint."

"What the buck is it with you and friendly fire!" you exclaim in annoyance before you noticed that the cops are shaking off Rarity's distracting.

"RUN!!!" you yell as you and your party take off with the cops in pursuit.

Kichi comment

Have the party split up to hopefully catch Rough Diamond.

After losing the cops with a couple of feints and turns, you find yourselves in the "Hearth's Warming Eve" exhibit

"Great, even the museums are trying to shove this gorram holiday down my throat." you snark as Rarity comments,

"Ooo, this display reminds me of my star performance of Princess Platinum especially when I was frozen-"

"This ain't the time for ego-stroking Rares." Applejack interrupts.

*ding*"Rarity, you're a genius!" you exclaim.

"Well, I try darling." Rarity says flattered.

"Everypony, take up positions and pretend to be part of the exhibit!"

On cue, everypony runs to various exhibits and strikes a pose. (1) It seems to be working as many cops run right past you guys, but Stablemaker suddenly stops and turns. Risking a turn of your head, you see that Chief Stablemaker is looking at Trixie in the "Psychic Cult Uprising" exhibit. As Chief Stablemaker gets closer to the exhibit with suspicion in his eyes and Trixie starting to panic, you quickly grab a barrel off a nearby dummy and roll it at Stablemaker while yelling,

"EVERYPONY SCATTER!!!"

Stablemkaer is caught so off guard by this that the barrel knocks him over and the group runs in different directions. While running through the "Pizza Wars" exhibit you look behind and see that Babs and Apple Bloom are running with you.

Why the hay aren't they with Applejack?! you think and are about to admonish the fillies when...

BrownDog77 comment

You spot Officer Fluffles/Rough Diamond putting on a suit of Samurai Armor.

"We got her now!" you proclaim as you charge at her, but she puts on the helmet, grabs a Naginata and charges right at you.

"D'oh!" you exclaim as you brake to a halt and look around for a nearby weapon, but unfortunately, the closest thing is an ancient tea set which you start throwing at her in an attempt to slow her down, but she swings at you with a vicious swipe which you manage to dodge by stumbling backwards into another stand. Rolling out of the way of a downward slash, you get up and see you instinctively grabbed a pair of Nunchaku.

“Cowabunga!” you yell as you start whooping and swinging them around, causing her to hesitate… *pow* that is until you hit yourself in the nards.

“EEEEEEE!!!!” you shriek as you fall to the ground cradling your broken mommy-daddy button.

She chuckles at this and raises the weapon above her head… *wham* before being smashed in the face with a Kanabo wielded by Babs and Applebloom, which shatters her helmet and knocks her back into a cracked pillar which falls into and breaks a wall leading into the Dinosaur Exhibit. Rough Diamond briefly gives you a hateful glare before rushing towards all the dinosaur bones.

“Thanks girls, where are the rest?” you ask as you get up.

“There you are you fiend!” you hear Trixie’s voice in the other room followed by magic blasts.

“My guess is there,” snarks Babs as you all run in and see the rest of your group. Unfortunately, Rough Diamond managed to shed her Samurai armor and is throwing them at Trixie, Applejack, and Rarity to force them to dodge as she runs up the back of a large long-necked dinosaur of some kind, and you're about to follow when Dread Judge bursts through the cracked wall.

“Destruction of Archaeological findings, 12 years!” she yells.

“Oh give us a break!” you yell as more cops burst in surrounding your party. while the cops burst in from the back as your group is surrounded. You swore you heard Rough Diamond laughs as she makes her escape and all seems lost as the PAIN approaches when suddenly a skeleton T. Rex head comes out of nowhere and snatches Dread Judge up in it’s jaws, epic music blasting out of the speakers.

Everyone else starts screaming in terror as the T Rex starts violently shaking the struggling Dread in its jaws, but you just look up and shout, “I bucking knew it!” when...

Down with Chrysalis comment

You quickly notice a blue glow all along the bones. You quickly look at Trixie who gives you a wink before making the T Rex violently throw Dread into the nearest group of cops. Taking this opportunity, you run up the longneck skeleton as the group scatters. Some cops try to follow you up the skeleton as you jump from the skull onto the second floor, but you turn around, throw out your hoof, and Force Pull a leg bone off the skeleton causing it to collapse into a cloud of dust which disorients the cops below as you run towards where you heard Rough Diamond's laughter.

After some more running, we find yourself in the art gallery with still no sign of the thief, but you feel thirst kick in.

All these pretentious splatterings must be making me thirsty. you mentally quip as you grab and down a bottle of vanilla cola from your saddlebag. You just finished your drink when-

"There he is!"

You suddenly see a trio of cops turn a corner and charge at you!

"Guess break time's over." you quip as you instinctively throw the empty cola bottle at the cops which they dodge as you run off, quickly knocking over a limbless marble statue to create some distance between you and the cops. Turning a corner into the weapons exhibit, you see Rough Diamond on the first floor below cautiously looking around before approaching a soda machine.

All that running and stealing must be getting to her. you think as you're about to dive off onto the first floor to continue chasing the thief when you see Dread Judge also arrive in the exhibit.

"Where is that suit-wearing delinquent!" Dread demands from "Officer Fluffles".

"He's in the art gallery, Sir-er Ma'am." she hastily salutes.

Great, my target's in the same room as a one-mare SWAT team.

"He went this way! Come on!"

You turn and hear more incoming hoofsteps behind you and you realize that the cops from before are closing in. Even worse, when you look back you see Dread turning her head in your direction!

I am SO bucked!

Suddenly, the caffeine from that cola kicks in and combines with the adrenaline from the chase to cause time to seem to slow down as you notice formulas, equations, and flashing outlines appear around an abstract painting, your bracelet, a beam on the ceiling, Dread Judge, a Trebuchet on the first floor, Rough Diamond, and the soda machine in your line of sight. Suddenly realizing what it all means you think,

Thank you emergency Holmes-o-vision!

With time slowly starting to go back to normal, you Force Pull an abstract painting off a wall and smash it into the face of the cop at the front of the squad as he turns the corner causing him to stumble and fall on his face as the two cops behind trip over his fallen form. Running to the railing you declare "Aquila Talon" as you jump off the railing and eject the hookblade onto a skylight beam and use the momentum to swing towards the thief.

"HALT!"

You see that Dread Judge has spotted you and is charging towards your swinging form, but in your focused state you throw out your free hoof and use Force Pull to activate the lever of the Trebuchet right as Dread steps on the sling. The old war machine whips to life and violently flings the PAIN officer smashing straight into the wall and causing a belt full of Thundercloud Orbs to free itself from her armor due to the force of that trebuchet launch. As you approach Rough Diamond near the end of your swing, you catch the bomb belt in one hoof, retract the hookblade with the other, and use your momentum to drive both your back hooves into the thief's chest and send her smashing into the soda machine behind her as you land on your back.

2 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola
6 Thundercloud Orbs
in Saddlebags

You get up and see Babs, Apple Bloom, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Trixie all with their jaws on the floor giving you shocked looks.

"That was totally wicked!" Babs exclaims, breaking the silence.

"Benefits of a cinematic education." you smirk. When you look back at "Officer Fluffles" you see her getting back up as she's surrounded with soda cans as she herself is soaked with soda and her Cutie Mark is smudged. Noticing this as soon as she gets up, she growls at you before quickly bolting off.

"Hold it right there impos- Oooo, Pitt Cola! My favo-"

"Ritz! Focus!" Trixie exclaims as the other mares/fillies snap out of it and chase after the feeling thief.

"Oh, right!" you respond as you grab a few cans while continuing to chase the thief.

4 Cans of Pitt Cola
added to Saddlebags

BrownDog77 comment

“Give it up, already!” you yells as you chase Rough Diamond into the ancient Saddle Arabian wing.

“Never!" she taunts, "I’m not afraid of you! I’m not afraid of any-AAAAAAAHHHH!!!” she screams as she runs right into the “Mummy” from earlier causing her to fall into an open sarcophagus which slams shut, accidentally knocking off the head bandages, revealing an elderly security guard stallion underneath.

“Oh thank goodness, I can see again!”

“Real horrorshow, old man!” you cheer.

"Release me this instant you motherbuckers!" you hear muffled from inside the Sarcophagus.

"Such language..." Fluttershy scolds as Applejack covers Babs and Apple Bloom's ears.

"Don't have any soap for that mouth, but this should do the trick." you quip as you take out a Thundercloud Orb and quickly briefly open the Sarcophagus, chuck in the orb, and slam the ancient coffin shut before it goes off. The close proximity of the blast knocking her out.

5 Thundercloud Orbs
remaining in Saddlebags

"Well that was... excessive." Rarity comments.

"It got the job done." you shrug, "For now we can get to the part of the episode where the mystery gang and their little mascot unmask the monster revealing- Oh hi Stablemaker." you say to the cops coming into the wing.

"Everypony freeze! It's all over!"

"I'll say." you say as you open the Sarcophagus revealing an unconscious "Office Fluffles".

"Sweet Celestia, we got a hostage situation!" Chief Stablemaker exclaims.

"What? Wait, Nononononono!" you quickly Shia LaHoof before the situation can spiral even more out of control.

"Officer Fluffles here is the thief and I can prove it." Babs interjects.

Babs then proceeds to explain why Officer Fluffles is really Rough Diamond and wipes off the smudged paint on "Fluffles" to reveal her true Cutie Mark.

"Even so. We still need to take you all in for all the events over the past few days." he says and a few officers move in when...

Kichi's comment

"Wait a bucking minute!" You shout looking to the chief causing everypony to stop pursuing and look at you, Rarity and Applejack looking as if you are crazy, the foals looking confused, and Fluttershy hiding behind her mane.

"Don't you know who these mares are?" you ask as you wave your hoof at the mares behind you.

"Of course, they're Miss Rarity, Miss Fluttershy, and Miss Applejack, members of the Elements of Harmony-"

"Exactly! One half of the group who faced off against Nightmare Moon, restored Princess Luna, and prevented eternal freezing night on their first day. Not to mention their other various feats which include (but are not limited to) defeating and reforming a god of chaos, rescuing an entire new city from a master of darkness, and need I remind you that their leader is not only Celestia's personal student, but Equestria's newest alicorn princess? I'm pretty sure they're under the direct protection of all 4 princesses at least. I mean, did any of you even think of what could happen if you touched even one hair on their heads? Come on chief, think about it, do you really want some pissed off alicorn princesses coming down here after finding out you've falsely imprisoned her friends AND Equestria's main superweapon against whatever big bad boogymare's gonna come next?"

You smirk as you see the look on the police officers' faces at that thought before Stablemaker sighs,

"I'm getting too old for this horseapples. Take her away. I just need statements from you 7 then you'll be free to go." as he waves the other officers off and has them carry off Rough Diamond.

“You darned do-gooders! I'll get you for this!" Rough Diamond struggles having regain consciousness while being carried away, "I swear! Rough Diamond will retu- *POW*” before being knocked out with one swift punch by Dread Judge who growls

“You have the right to remain silent, impostor…”

She then looks to you and your group and says, “Stay out of trouble.” before violently throwing Rough Diamond into the back of the paddy wagon with enough force to cause it to briefly tilt.

As the paddywagon drive off, you see two slips of paper fall out of her pocket. You pick up the two slips of paper and examine them as the cops are busy talking with the others,

One of them is an airship ticket for tomorrow noon to Las Pegasus, the other is a flashcard that says, “Trackatomi Plaza, Penthouse Floor, 8:00 P.M. Hearth's Warming Eve Party. Bring the goods and wear a brown hat.”

“What is it Ritz?” Trixie asks as she comes over and looks at your papers.

“It’s a ticket and instructions Rough Diamond had for getting to her fence,” you say.

The Buggy Fence. you mentally add.

“Oh, then perhaps you should give that to the police?” Trixie suggests.

“Nah, they don’t have jurisdiction, and it’s clear on the other side of the country,” you point out as you stare intently at the two slips of paper.

Trixie sees the look on your face as you stare at the ticket and note and says, “Oh… Ok…”

-Airship Ticket to Las Pegasus
-Instructions Flashcard
added to Inventory

Once Rough Diamond is in custody, you become overjoyed when you hear that she has a large bounty on her... only to be informed by Chief Stablemaker that the bounty just matches the exact costs for all the collateral damage and fines you racked up.

"I am obligated to inform you all that due to the daring and severity of her numerous robberies, Rough Diamond has a rather large bounty on her-" Chief Stablemaker explains.

"Horrorshow!" you exclaim.

"-That should just be enough to cover the damage to the museum and the fines for the various infractions you committed while apprehending her."

"D'oh!"

"As Granny Smith used to say; Easy come, easy go." Applejack comments.

"*sigh* Let's just get something to eat." you say.

GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL, THE NEXT MORNING

The next day, Trixie, Babs, and Babs's sister Sunflower see the Elements and Applebloom off at the train platform, while you stand off to the side in thought staring at the Airship Ticket to Las Pegasus and the Instructions Flashcard.

This ticket… if I don’t use it soon, then I won’t be able to find that fence. Could this be a chance to find the hive? I should check it out right? But Trixie…

While you mentally converse with yourself, the others prepare their goodbyes.

“Well I must say, this has been a most memorable trip, we simply must come back here again some time,” says Rarity.

“Yeah, we didn’t get much of a chance to actually take in the sights we were so busy running around,” agrees Applejack.

“We didn’t even get to go to the zoo,” pouts Fluttershy.

“Well, with this newest article in the paper, my show is bound to explode even more because of the press,” says Trixie as she holds up an article showing all of you taking down Rough Diamond. “So I’ll be here for the foreseeable future if you all wish to stop by and say hello.”

“Not to mention your favorite cousin will be here, don’t be strangers now,” says Babs.

They all then start hugging and are prepared to leave, but not before a certain yellow filly with red hair grabs your hoof and leads you over, knocking you out of your thinking.

She looks at you, and then at the rest of the Elements.

“Ahem… Isn’t there something you wanna say to Ritz?”

Their faces take on a guilty expression as they all give you fleeting glances before Rarity speaks up first,

“Well, Mr. DeWitt, whatever differences we may have had, I would still like to thank you for helping us clear our names. That was a very Generous thing to do,” she says with a smile.

“And Kind too. Thanks for helping Mr. DeWitt,” smiles Fluttershy.

“Y-yeah, no problem.” you tell them as you put the pieces of paper away.

Applejack keeps looking back up at you and back down as if it’s hard for her to spit it out. She eventually sighs and looks you right in the eye,

“Listen, despite whatever animosity we got between us, I still appreciate that you helped my family and friends when it mattered most.”

You don’t say anything as you nod.

“See, was that so hard?” Applebloom says to them before turning to you.

“Ritz, anything YOU’D like to say?” she insinuates.

“*Sigh* Yeah. Sorry… you know, for the whole Ponyville thing… and for being a bit of an ass… no offense,” you say as you look to a Donkey loading up a suitcase.

“None taken,” he says as he gets on the train and immediately starts complaining to the ticket taker.

“But yeah, sorry everyone. Have a safe trip.”

Applebloom nods and hugs you really hard. She then joins the others in getting on the train. You, Trixie, Babs, and Sunflower wave them goodbye as the train rolls out.

Babs gives a sigh before looking at you and Trixie.

“Well till next time guys. I gotta get home now, my ma’s no doubt seen the paper and is flipping her lid,” she says with a chuckle.

She hugs you and Trixie and she heads off with her sister.

“Well… shall we?” Trixie says as she starts walking back to the Trailer Park and you follow. The whole way, you keep mentally arguing with yourself over what you should do.

I should check this lead, I could find my way home!

But if it isn’t a changeling, then I’d be wandering into more criminal elements head on.

Which isn’t a bad thing, Changelings have ties to criminal enterprises so this fence could point the way to others.

But I’m doing alright now, I’ve got a job, stability, friends…

I…

Trixie has her show, she can’t go with me…I can’t ask her to abandon her life now that it’s on track. And I’d make her sad if I left.

UGH! Why do I even care! you think angrily as you shake your head. Stupid gorram emotions… what is happening to me?

The whole time you walk, you don’t notice Trixie watching you with a sad expression. After you both reach the trailer, Trixie goes into the back room and you hear rummaging sounds.

“Hey Trix, whatcha doing?”

“Just…getting something organized,” she says hesitantly.

You just shrug your shoulders and relax on the couch after such a long night.

Eventually, Trixie comes out from the back room and sits next to you, looking downtrodden.

“What’s wrong?” you ask her.

She looks up at you, “You’re thinking about leaving soon aren’t you?”

Your eyes widen as you are taken aback by this. You look down and say, “How’d you know?”

“Ever since we caught Rough Diamond, I’ve seen you looking over that ticket, mumbling about finding her fence… about moving on,” she says.

You sigh look back up at her, “Trixie, I…”

“You think you should go find this fence. I don’t know why, but you seem absolutely determined to find it. As if it’s important to you.”

“I… well…”

“Do you think the fence has ties to your… ”Organization?””

“Well… there’s a chance,” you admit. “Something I heard Diamond say makes me think it might.”

She nods at this. “And you miss this “Organization” that much?”

“It’s… complicated Trixie. Sure they’re dangerous, but still, they’re my…”

“Family?” she finishes.

“Yeah… sort of.”

She nods, closes her eyes and says, “Then you should go for it.”

“Wait, what?” you say aloud.

“You should seek out this fence if it has any chance of reuniting you with your… group.”

“But Trixie, what about the show? What about you?” you ask a bit surprised.

“Oh Ritz, do not worry, the show will go on as they say, and as for me… I shall be fine. I’ve made my way on my own plenty of times before.”

“But…”

“Ritz, what kind of pony would I be if I kept you, the most important pony I’ve ever met, from finding out the truth?” she says as she places her hoof on your shoulder.

“It’d be selfish of me to do something like that, and that’s something Old Trixie would have done.”

“I just…well…” you try to argue.

“These past two months have been some of the best of my life. You helped me be a better pony Ritz. You’ve done everything to help me, so please let me help you,” she says as she levitates a bag over to you.

You open it up and see supplies (Fire Extinguisher, 12 Granola Bars, 2 Bottles of Painkillers, 3 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots, and Trick Hoofcuffs) and 100 bits in there. Shocked, you say,

“Trixie... I can’t take this much-”

“That’s your share of the show,” she says with her sad smile, “You more than earned it.”

You sigh as you close up the bag and put it in your saddle bags.

“Trixie, if I go, I might not ever come back. If I find the organization, I don’t know if I’ll be able t-”

“Ha! YOU not able to do something? Puh-lease Mr. DeWitt. There’s nothing you can’t do when you set your mind to it,” she says as she gives you a playful punch on the arm, causing you to smile.

“I think you put too much faith in me,” you joke.

“And you don’t put in enough,” she snarks.

“Huh, you say that, but would you if I wasn’t who I said I was?” you ask.

“Ritz DeWitt, I wouldn’t care if you were some government spy, a mobster, or even a dragon or a changeling. I care for and believe in you,” she says.

You smile at that, but feel no need to expose yourself and ruin the moment. You’re not sure if she could take something like that at this moment. As you look at her smiling face, you still can't help but feel the waves of sadness coming off of her. Sadness to a changeling isn’t very appetizing, but you begin feeling it as well.

Stupid Empathy. you think as you start to pack up and double-check your saddlebags.

“So, uh… did you want to walk with me to the skyport?” you ask.

“No… I uh, I think I’ll just stay here and… prepare for the next show,” she sniffles.

“I, uh… I could write to you. Tell you about what’s going on and such, and uh… If I’m somewhere for awhile, I could give you the address to write back,” you stumble trying to think of some way to cheer her up.

“I’d like that…” she says.

You walk out the front door and turn around to her standing in the doorway, and she still looks really sad.

“*Sigh* Look Trix, I promise that if I ever come across your wagon or even one of your shows, I will stop to visit. Sound good?”

She nods as she gets up and hugs you.

“Thanks for everything Trixie. You be good now you hear?”

“I will, and you be safe. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

You start to break the hug, but before you do Trixie suddenly smooches you on the cheek. (2) The love you get from it drives away any sleepiness you had and energizes you greatly, and it feels rather nice too. Finishing the kiss she says,

“Just a little something to remember me by,” she chuckles. “So long Mr. Ritz DeWitt.”

You chuckle and say, “So long Ms. Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon.”

You then start on your way, looking back and waving every now and then to her, to which she returns, till you lose sight of her. You let out a sigh and look down at the ground.

“Seriously, buck these stupid emotions. Without them, this wouldn’t be so hard…” you groan as you feel grief throughout yourself.

You eventually make your way to the Imperial State Building skyport, fortunately your Saddlebags are immune to scanning spells so they didn't detect the weapons and drinks you stored in there so you make your way to your terminal and board the airship to Las Pegasus.

As all the passengers gather in the dining room for the Stewardesses's safety demonstration, you look out the window at Manehattan as it takes off. Letting out one last sigh, you set your eyes forward.

“Alright, enough of this petty emotion crap,” you chide yourself. “I’ve got a mission to do, and I’ve been sidetracked for too long. I gotta find the hive. So here I come Las Pegasus, I hope you have what I’m looking for. If not, then hay, I could probably make some money turning this fence in. Hopefully this won’t be as chaotic as the hunt for Rough Diamon-"

"Uh... we regret to inform you all that the onscreen projector isn't working so unfortunately the onboard movies are cancelled."

"D'oh!" you exclaim as the other passengers groan, the seriousness of the moment destroyed by that announcement.

"No point in sticking around here." you mutter as you head back to your cabin and nap, not wanting to spend any more bits or food at the moment. You suddenly find yourself awake some time later. Blinking the grogginess off, you pick up the complementary newspaper slid under your cabin door and head to the dining room to read the newspaper when you hear a voice bark out,

"Attention ladies and gentlecolts! Everypony please stay where you are."

"Tis the holiday season so we're collecting donations on behalf of the less fortunate. Namely us."

"Yeah, so fork over the goods before we have to resort to direct stabbing action."

You peek out the doorway to see a trio of ponies all wearing green ski masks and red capes while wielding improvised weapons made from materials bought in the skyport mini-stores. The large Earth Pony has a spiked club made of scotch tape, rolled-up newspapers, and needle tower souvenirs, the Pegasus has a pair of flails made from spiky-hair icebox magnets, rolled-up magazines, and a belt, and it looks like the unicorn levitating a crossbow made from a grabber toy, dental floss, and umbrella ribs is the leader as they go from table to table as terrified passengers reluctantly hoof over their goods. Stretching your limbs, you think,

Wrong flight boys...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) You blended into the "Massive Depression" exhibit (posing as a stockbroker about to jump out a window), Rarity quickly knocked over the Princess Platinum dummy and took her spot, Applejack, Babs, and Applebloom all posed in the "200 Miles to San Palomino" expedition, and Fluttershy posed as a terrified victim of the "Discord's Reign" exhibit.

(2) According to the Many-Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics, had Trixie pulled down Ritz's mask and kissed him on the mouth, an alternate universe would have happened where one thing would lead to another which leads to Ritz ending up missing the flight and Trixie quickly discovering Ritz is a changeling (among other changeling attributes...), but neither care as they become an intimate couple who travel together as Equestria's greatest showmare and her assistant while occasionally solving mysteries with a rolling mini-robot. Researchers call this the "TrixyWitt" universe.

Now that Ritz is acquiring new items and clothes, the list is getting pretty long SO HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

With the Manehattan Mysteries arc over, next chapter is a bit of a breather episode where you kick some flank, spend some time on the airship, read the newspaper, arrive in Las Pegasus, and maybe wander around a bit (you ARE a film buff visiting Applewood, Las Pegasus after all...) as the city is preparing for Hearth's Warming Eve.

As for the hijackers, take them down (no killing though). These guys like to think of themselves as revolutionary activists, but they're actually little more than sky-muggers with delusions of idealism so they'll go down hilariously and easily. Also, remember that you're inside a zeppelin, not a jet liner so the layout is quiet different. Don't expose Ritz as a changeling and remember that he does better with surprise and stealth than straight-up combat (changeling, remember?).

Have fun and May the Force be with you!

Chapter 22: Get Off My Plan-Er Airship!

Ritz makes sure to draw the groups attention away from the other passengers. Don't want to risk anyone getting hurt. Maybe for good measure lead on a chase to a area on the ship where's it's easier to fight and less chance of bystanders getting hurt.

BrownDog77 comment

As you peer out at the dining room from the hallway entrance, you feel a hoof on your shoulder causing you to whirl around with intent to Chain Punch only to see it's a nervous looking stewardess.

"Are you nuts!" you admonish with a whisper, "You should know better than to sneak up on somelin-er-pony in a situation like this!"

“Sir, please don’t do anything drastic," she whispers worriedly, "There are families in there.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve done this before…” you say mysteriously.

YEARS AGO

It was the craziest situation you were ever in. You were aboard the Emperor of Neighpon’s airship on a mission to steal trade secrets when disaster struck. Stalliongradian terrorists had boarded the ship, and took everyone hostage with their trained venomous snakes. To make matters worse, the food on board had been bad, and 95 percent of the passengers were down with food sickness. Luckily though, you were able to team up with the Emperor, a mare who claimed her daughter disappeared, but who others thought was just crazy, and another mare who had been held hostage by a psychopath until the terrorists boarded. Together, you all stopped the villains and saved the day…

BACK TO NOW

"...We're home in time for tacos." you finish whispering only for the stewardess to just look at you funny.

“What?” you ask.

“That was the plots to Sky Force One, Snakes on a Blimp, Airship!, Flight Plan, Red Eye, and a bit of The Broomdock Saints 2, all rolled into one…” she says.

“No it’s… huh… you’re right, it is,” you say as you really think about it, “Usually I’m better at separating reality and fiction- Gah!” you shake your head at this. “Relax, I'm a professional.” you tell her as you sneak back out and are about to use Inspire Hate on the large Earth Pony to make him attack the other two when you realize,

Wait, too many civilians, gotta lure them away, but how...

Getting an idea, you retreat back into the hallway and tell the stewardess,

"Okay, I got a plan, but I need you to go get me, uh... some dry chewed-up gum, a full barf bag, and a trolley full of sodas." you say, a plan forming in your head, "Got it?"

The stewardess looks at yo strangely before nodding and heading off. When you were sure you were a safe distance you went to your cabin, opened your door, and called,

"Dad-blast. Back in my day we had a whole bottle of soda pop instead of half a gorram can!"

"You hear that." you hear one of the voices pipe up.

"Looks like we missed one." another voice chimes.

"Sounds like an cranky old kook." a third says.

"I'll go get him."

You smirk at this only for the second voice to counter,

"Wait, what if it's a trap? This old kook could be an old veteran waiting to clobber us with an encyclopedia as soon as we come in one at a time!"

"We better go in all at once just to be safe."

"Yeah so when we come back and even suspect any of you cherished guests of ours of moving even a little strange, you're gonna get an arrow. Not a warning, not a question. An arrow."

Great, these morons have a brain between them. you mentally mutter.

As the skyjacker trio enter the hallway, you quickly duck back into your cabin and shut the door.

"Alright buddy, come out and nopony gets hurt!"

In response, you call from your hiding place...

Kichi comment

"Okay, Okay, I'll pay just... Who's the leader again? I mean, if I have to pay to somepony, I'm pretty sure max profits should go to the leader."

"Well, of course I'm the leader!" the unicorn says.

"You? The leader? I thought we agreed we'd be a equal team as a protest against classicism." the pegasus counters as the other pony begin to smirk.

"We'll I was the one who thought up of this so I'm the boss now."

"By that logic, the lunk over here should be leader since he spoke first even though he can't even count to three." the pegasus counters getting a snicker out of the unicorn.

"Hey! That not true! And don't laugh at me!" the Earth Pony protests.

"If somepony must be the leader it must be me cause I'm the most intelligent of our alliance." the unicorn gloats.

"You?! I was the one who knew how to make these weapons out of ordinary items we could buy at skyport shops and sneak past security! If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be in charge of these sheep!" Say the pegasus as he brandishing his impromptu flails for emphasis.

"Come on, Everyone know that unicorns are the most intelligent of the three races" Says the unicorn with an arrogant smile.

"I'm not stupid, see... One... Two... Five... W..." The earth pony begin to count with his hooves as the other two began to argue, but you quickly take this opportunity to point your hoof at the Earth Pony and concentrate...

"I'm the leader!" the unicorn proclaims.

"No me!" the pegasus protests getting in the unicorn's face.

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"SHUT UP!!!" the Earth Pony bellows with glowing red eyes as he swings the impromptu spiked club into the pegasus who ducks as the club knocks the unicorn against the wall. With your Inspire Hate technique having done its job of triggering a three-way free-for-all in the cabin halls, you quickly make your exit...

MidnightFMare

In the hallway, you spot an "Air-Mall" magazine and start looking through the items, a "shirt launcher" catching your attention.

"Okay, now I just need-"

You feel somepony tap on your shoulder and turn to see...

"Derpy?"

"Sign here please." she says holding a package and a clipboard.

You look at the wall-eyed pegasus in confusion and ask,

"...Where did you come from? And how did you get past the thugs?"

"I'm a Mailmare, it's part of our training. Sign please." she says as she shoves the clipboard into your face and you quickly scribble "Rarity" on it with the boutique's address for the bill, take the package, and tear it open.

-Shirt Cannon
-Bag of Packing Peanuts
-5 feet of Bubble Wrap
acquired

"Thanks Der-" you start before you realize the mailmare is no longer there.

"Where did sh-"

"Mr."

Your confusion is interrupted when you hear the stewardess approaching you with the trolley.

"You have what I asked for?"

She opens the trolley revealing the items you asked for.

"Horrorshow."

-Bag Of Barf
-Dried used gum
acquired

As soon as you finish putting everything in the trolley you hear,

"Wait, wait, WAIT! We shouldn't be fighting each other-"

"No duh sherclop!"

"I mean we should be angry at that pony that lured us out here."

"Go to the dining room with the others." you command the stewardess to which she complies as you quickly run to the opposite end of the hall with the trolley, grab a straw from the trolley, climb onto the ceiling, and crouch low to remain hidden. As the battered trio walk past and move through the entrance to the dining room you quickly [drop down behind the trolley, jam a piece of dried gum into the straw, and say,

"Hello there."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEq1Z0bjdwc)

The trio all turn around in the entranceway with the large earth pony in front, the pegasus behind him, and the unicorn with the crossbow in the back. As they do this, you quickly launch a single pea-sized piece of hardened gum at the big guy's nose, lodging it into his nostril.

"What the- what's" he snorts and inspects what came out of his nose, "SWEET CELESTIA!!" he yells in a panic "HE BLASTED MY BRAIN OUT OF MY NOSE!"

"Outta my way you big idiot!" the pegasus says trying to get past his panicking companion in the doorway as you quickly stuff the Bag of Barf into the Shirt Cannon. The pegasus manages to get past the earth pony and is about to charge at you when you blast him with the bag of barf which splatters him in the face, covering him in vomit.

"AAAAUUGHHH!!! I HAD MY MOUTH OPEN!!! WHO THE BUCK THROWS VOMIT?!!" he screams spitting and trying to wipe the vomit off him in a panic.

"Give me a clear shot you morons!" the unicorn says as you quickly use Force Pull to turn the Earth Pony's ski mask to the left to block off his face and thus keep him disoriented. You quickly duck your head down so your Bowler Hat deflects the impromptu crossbow bolt as you stuff the Bag of Packing Peanuts into the Shirt Cannon, rising just as the unicorn loads another bolt into his impromptu crossbow, but you fire first and hit him in the face with the bag of packing peanuts, scattering them everywhere and obscuring their view.

"Aquila Talon!" you declare as you throw the empty Shirt Cannon at the flailing peanuts-and-vomit covered pegasus, causing him to stumble back towards the blinded earth pony which in turn knocks him into the dazed unicorn. You then throw your hoof to the side to deploy the hookblade and then shoot it forward to launch it past the three skyjackers and onto a window rail on the far wall. You hug your end of the trolley and proclaim,

"And for my next trick, Would you all kindly..."

You pull your wrist back causing the hookblade chain to retract as you hold on to the trolley,

"Get off my airship!"

With the momentum of the retracting hookblade pulling you, you ram the trolley right into the three skyjackers and smush them into the wall. While all three are dazed, you quickly run over and wrap them in the bubble wrap before tying up that bubble wrap with a layer of duct tape subduing the would-be skyjackers, eliciting a cheer from the other passengers.

When all three crooks are subdued and struggling in their bonds, you take out a Sweet Chariot sugercube and pop it into your mouth as you ask...

Anyway, end the fight with them all being in a lifeboat (on an airship) with you threatening to cut it loose without the parachute or engine it normally uses to get to the ground safely.

BrownDog77

“So... *ronch ronch* what exactly was your brilliant scheme here? To steal a vehicle that even a Wonderbolt dropout can catch up to in her sleep? Where exactly did you think you were going to take this thing?”

“Uh…”

“Did you guys even have a plan, I mean, those 'weapons' of yours are just cobbled together garbage.”

“We… stand for stuff.” the leader pouts, "Yeah, this act is a protestation of the undiluted squandering of the boogy-geez-"

“Now you're just stringing random words together.” you say as you take out a cigarette and light it up.

“NOOOO!!! The Helium! You’ll kill us all!” the unicorn shouts as he knocks the cigarette out of your mouth.

“Ow! Helium isn’t flammable you idiot!” you exclaim as you punch his horn causing him to cry out in dizzied pain.

“Liar- OH BUCK!” the Pegasus shouts as you look over and see a tablecloth has caught fire.

“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” the earth pony shouts as he attempts to jump out the window only to forget he's tied to two other ponies and they all trip and slam headfirst into the wall, knocking themselves out.

You just blink dumbfounded before you just shake your head and go over and put out the small fire...

Down with Chrysalis comment

The rest of your flight was uneventful outside of you absorbing and consuming hero-worship love from the passengers (1) and reading the newspaper and "The Dao of the River" book. You were even able to learn one cool and devastating (but rare and difficult) technique; The Critical Chi Strike

Learned "Critical Chi Strike" (Channels your chi into your hoof to deliver a devastating blow that directly disrupts the target's chi at point of impact leading to a backlash effect that severely damages the target even if they were wearing armor. ONLY works on enemies the size of an adult Minotaur or smaller that have been sufficiently weakened normally and requires INTENSE absolute focus to pull off correctly)

Any back to the newspaper, some notable articles;

Rough Diamond Caught, Substantial Damage to Museum

"Huh, they didn't even mention my name." you comment in annoyance.

Countess Coloratura Hires More Backup Dancers

"Nice to see my impromptu dance number got those homeless dancers off the street."

The Great and Powerful Trixie's Rise to Fame

You feel happy for Trixie, but suddenly you start to feel homesick away from her and are even about to tear up until the next article sends you into a howling frenzy of laughter,

Donald Trumpkin Falls Hard in Polls After Being Revealed to be a Blindingly Baldy-Bald Chromdome.
Mayor Lenny Expects Reelection

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SOMELING PUNCH ME-*pow* Thanks."

When you do get to Las Pegasus...

BrownDog77 comment

Down with Chrysalis comment

“Sir, although we appreciate what you did, you did have several weapons on your person.” the Homeland Security Administration (HSA) guard says at the airport with a Las Pegasus officer next to him taking your statement.

“Well yeah, I don’t trust luggage, but they ultimately helped in the long run,” you complain.

“Sir, we don’t know how you got these through security at Manehattan (somepony’s definitely getting fired over there), but we can’t let you fly our airlines anymore.”

“Oh come on!”

“Be thankful that’s all it is. We’re allowing you to go, with your weapons, because of our heroism. Now please don’t make a scene sir and leave.”

"Fine, just give me the stupid bounty on the brain trust over there." you snark pointing to the three skyjackers being taken away by the LPPD.

"Okay, may we see your Bounty Hunting credentials?" the Las Pegasus officer speaks up.

"What?"

"Well we can't just give official fugitive bounties to just any untrained random pony otherwise we'd have a state of anarchy as ponies go around arresting each other in hopes of some quick Bits. As a bounty hunter, surely you knew that."

"D'oh!" you exclaim in annoyance, “You're lucky I don't have time for this horesapples! In the future I’ll be taking your competitor Southwest Skylines!” you shout, to which the TSA guard just starts snickering as you storm off in a huff.

“Grr, stupid airlines. I stop some terrorists, and I’m the one who gets punished. Horrorshow, REAL horrorsho-”

"Happy Hearth's Warm-"

"Not in the mood!" you snap at the passing pony as you leave LPAX.

You're about to scope out the area Assassin's Vow-style... only to abandon that idea when you see that like Manehattan, Las Pegasus has too many tall buildings to make that a feasible option. Looking at the local clock, you see that you still have plenty of time before the Trackatomi Plaza Hearth's Warming Eve party so you think,

Might as well go get my Bounty Hunter's license. you think to yourself, With my luck, I'll probably be running into more thugs so might as well be able to profit off it, but where would-

You immediately spot a building far across the street with a sign reading, Bounty Hunter Training Seminar

Well that's convenient. you think as you make your way across the busy streets around busy holiday shoppers and enter the building. You approach a dyed-blonde-maned mare with a military vest and a Domino for a Cutie Mark smoking a cigarette at a desk and ask,

"Is this the Bounty Hunter Training Seminar?"

The mare looks up from her paperwork and sizes up your outfit.

"It is, but you're looking pretty fancy for a Bounty Hunter."

"Suit equal professional which equals I-know-what-I'm-bucking-doing." you counter, "Anyway, how long until I get my bounty hunting license?"

"Scuse me?" she says raising an eyebrow, "This is a bounty hunter refresher course." she says gesturing to a room full of various tough-looking ponies (2), "To get a license you need to go to the Commissioner of Public Safety, present proof of identity (which includes a high school diploma or equivalent,) complete a 6-month training course, register with the Fugitive Recovery Agents Union Diversified- " (3)

"D'oh! Is there a faster way?" you ask.

"Well you could just buy a 'Limited Surety Agent' license at City Hall, but that's only temporary an-"

"Perfect. Thanks." you say turning around and walking out the door before quickly popping your head back in and saying,

"Um... which way is city hall?"

"Just keep walkin left. If you reach the Las Pegasus Strip then you've gone too far."

"Thanks! Happy Hearth's Warming!"

"Yeah, whatever." she responds before continuing with her smoking as you leave.

SOME TIME AND 100 BITS LATER

BrownDog77 comment

"Limited Surety Agent" license (allows you to collect bounties for one year)
acquired

2 Bits remaining

After getting your de facto bounty hunting license from city hall, you had a brief lunch (a Can of Cream of Potato Soup, 3 Granola Bars, a Bar of Chocolate, and a Can of Pitt Cola) and took in the sights of the city as you searched for the Trackatomi Plaza building. You saw the Applewood sign, the Walk of Fame, Warner Sisters Studio, etc. You wanted to go to Whinny Land… but you didn’t think you could do it justice by only being in there for a few hours. Plus the tickets were like 100 bits (which you already spend on the license).

-3 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
-5 Bars of Chocolate
-9 Granola Bars
-3 Cans of Pitt Cola
remaining

“I’ll go see Walter Wombat later, right now, I gotta get to that party.”

At 7:30, you arrive at the building… and it’s pretty tall. You see red and green lights at the Penthouse on top and realize this is where you are meant to go. Realizing you don't have a invitation and thus would be unlikely to be invited to a fancy party even with your suit, you managed to sneak in via the underground garage door and use your changeling stealth skills to sneak and ceiling-crawl to the elevator where you swap out your Bowler Hat for your Porkpie Hat (instructions did say to wear a brown hat).

As you enter the party, you see all kinds of celebrities and rich folks of all kinds of races besides ponies mingling about. You peer through the crowd as you stand by the punch bowl, for any sign, scent, or sound of a changeling. A ridiculous looking stallion in blue clothes starts walking towards you and stops in front of you, and you get ready… but then he opens his mouth.

“Oh my gosh, can you please move out of the way? Rude…” he says in an effeminate voice.

You just raise your eyebrow and step to the side.

“Oh wow, took you long enough,” he says. Already you can tell this guy’s an flankhole.

“You could’ve said please,” you snark.

“Oh wow and it talks. I don’t know about you Mr. McShabby hat, but when you’re the agent of the biggest pop star in Equestria, you don’t have to say please to anyone,” he says before taking a sip and immediately spitting it up at you.

“Oh Gosh, this is terrible, just terrible. Cranberry Punch is not as good as Cherry!” he complains and walks off.

"Happy Hearthswarming to you too." you snark as you think,

Note to Self: Hurt that fool later.

After awhile of sitting by the punch and drinking it to keep up appearances, you realize you really have to go to the bathroom. You hold on for as long as you can so as not to miss the fence… but.

“Gorramit.” you groan as you rush to the restroom. After you finish your business and start to leave the bathroom you grumble,

"Chrysalis this party is boring. When are they gonna kick things up-"

"Everypony move!"

Your grumbling is interrupted when you hear a commotion outside. You cautiously peek out the door and see at least a dozen creatures of various species (earth pony, unicorn, diamond dog, minotaur, etc.) knocking over tables and threatening the guests with spears, swords, glowing horns, and crossbows. Your training kicking in, you carefully observe the party-crashers and deduce that their leader must be the griffin in a nice suit. As a large minotaur drags a couple out of the room closest to you, you quickly realize they'll be searching the restroom next so you quickly rush out the door to the emergency exit and start running down the stairs mentally cursing,

Curse you Ergot Murphy and your law!

You stop running when you hear more voices coming upstairs so you quickly duck into an uncompleted room with workers tools and building material loosely scattered. After you hear the voices pass by the room and continue upstairs to the penthouse, you walk over to the window with intent to wall-walk (changeling adhesive hooves, remember?) down the building and leave when you feel a moral tugging at your mind,

"Wait, I can't just leave these ponies her- Gah! Shut up conscience! I need to get the hay out of here!"

You're about to bang your head against a nearby table in an attempt to silence your conscience when you realize,

"Wait, that buggy fence could still be up there! If I don't meet with him then I'll never be able to find the Hive. Plus..."

You open your Saddlebags to show the only 2 bits left and the "Limited Surety Agent" license,

"I am low on funds and at least a few of these guys might have a bounty on them..."

Taking all this into account you take off your Porkpie Hat and put your Bowler Hat back on and think,

So, what's my next move gonna be...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Didn't bother with the free meal offers since everypony knows that airship food sucks.

(2) F.R.A.U.D. is basically a trade union for Bounty Hunters which gets early access to bounty information, help with collateral damage costs, and even health insurance. However, those with just a "Limited Surety Agent" license won't have access to those benefits.

(3) Most in some kind of leather, but you do see one in faded green armor, a unicorn in a grey suit next to a zebra wearing green, and another in a blue suit.

Now that Ritz is acquiring new items and clothes, the list is getting pretty long SO HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYLING! As my gift to you, I present you the beginning of the Die Hard arc!

Here's a (rather lengthy) hilarious recap/review by The Unusual Suspect in case you're unfamiliar with this Christmas masterpiece of action cinema;

Now keep in mind that like in the movie, nopony outside of the building has any idea about the takeover happening in the building and the entire building is locked down and guarded at both the top and the bottom. No killing, no exposing Ritz as a changeling, and have fun!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus for the rest of us, and Yippie-ki-yay Motherbuckers!

Chapter 23: A Fly in the Ointment (Die Hard Arc Part 1)

After ronching on another sugercube in thought, you get another plan. You quickly start inspecting the walls of the room until you find...

MidnightFMare

The fire alarm.

Horrorshow. Just what I need to call in some backup.

With that you quickly pull down the fire alarm and then use your changeling hooves to walk up the wall and onto a nearby, poorly-lit section of the ceiling near the alarm and activate your hookblade as you lie in wait.

Now even if those thugs send anypony down here to check on the alarm, I can just ambush them from the shadows.

Soon you see firetrucks approaching, but to your confusion you see them suddenly stop and turn around. Before you can ponder this development, you hear the door open and see a diamond dog thug with a spear muttering to himself as he walks in to turn off the alarm.

Okay, now to just ambush, subdue, and interrogate this mutt over why those firetrucks aren't coming.

To your surprise, the dog suddenly stops and start sniffing the air. You're puzzled by this act until you realize,

D'oh! Gorram diamond dog noses! you think in alarm. You quickly Force Pull a nearby bucket to make him whirl around in the direction of the noise as you quickly jump off the ceiling and tackle the dog into a wall and quickly follow-up with Chain Punch. With the mutt briefly stunned by this assault, you jump back with hookblade at the ready and look for something heavy to beat the dog with when he recognizes you,

"C-Captain DeWitt?!"

"Yeah, that's me." you say using your changeling horn magic to open your suit and reveal the Dimondia Star of Zeal Medal as you cautiously keep the hookblade at the ready.

The dog quickly gets up and and salutes,

"Sorry Captain Dewitt, I didn't recognize you."

You pause and gasp, "Private Rufus?!'

I remember this guy! you think, He was the runt of his litter who couldn't keep up so he resigned to find work in Equestria.

"What are you doing with a bunch of thugs?!" You exclaim.

"I was looking for a job at the bodyguard guild when that Griffon in the suit said that he had a job for me that would mean I'd get to see the world." he looks behind himself, "Speaking of which, I gotta get back. Boss is very exact"

"Rufus, these are bad guys." you say with emphasis.

"Really?" he asks in confusion.

"No, they're collecting donations for the widows and orphans fund before going to teach math to impoverished inner-city foals." you snark.

"I thought job was to follow griffin orders and see the world?" he asks in genuine confusion.

I forgot how dumb these dogs are. you think as you facehoof.

"Rufus... they had you all crash a party and round up the partiers at weapon-point. Does that sound like something good guys do?"

Rufus starts to mull over this point as you sigh/think,

One thing about these guys, they take a gorram long time to think...

"I gotya! Yeah! I mean, no! No, I shouldn't do this... right?"

"You shouldn't do this, yes. Now are there any other Diamond Dogs in the group?" you ask hoping for more allies among the thugs.

"A few, but they exiles kicked out of Diamondia. Bad dogs. Not that smart either like you or me."

Smart is debatable... you think to yourself, "What happened to the firetrucks that were supposed to come here?"

"The boss had a pegasus launch the 'false alarm' flare while sending me to turn off the alarm. Then I sniffed you, heard bucket, you tackled me, I know you, you ask me-"

"Okay, I got it." you interrupt, "For now, I want you to tell him that you thought you heard somepony in here, but it was a false alarm. I also need you to keep the hostages safe and don’t do anything against the bad guys unless I get directly involved, Okay?"

“So… you want me to pretend to be bad guy and start hitting real bad guys when you start hitting them first?”

“Uh, pretty much.”

With a salute, Rufus heads out of the room and back up the stairs.

Okay, I have one ally… and he's about as smart as a lobotomized doorknob.

"Hey Rufus, you know where the bathroom is? The boss ordered the bathroom upstairs is only for rotating groups of hostages." you hear another voice say from the stairwell.

"Uh... on the next floor down, take a right, go down the hall, and whatever you do, ignore the pony in a suit." Rufus replies.

You facehoof at this, but fortunately you hear the other voice reply in confusion,

"Uh... thanks."

Getting an idea, you quickly run down the hall into the bathroom Rufus was talking about. You quickly put the bar of soap on the floor in front of the door, pick up a plunger, stand at attention near the door, and wait.

Soon a Griffin thug with a crossbow walks in, put slips on the soap and skids into the wall. You quickly follow this up by breaking the plunger on the Griffin's head and then quickly grabbing the stunned Griffin, smashing his face into the mirror, and then using your weight to smash his head through the porcelain sink. A comical bump grows from the top of the griffin's head as he lays unconscious.

"Like 'Burnt Notice' said, bathrooms have lots hard surfaces." you comment to yourself as you stuff the unconcious griffin into a stall before taking his Crossbow.

"Okay... Now I have a crossbow..." you grin.

"Crossbow" added to Saddlebags

Deciding to add a reference to your victory, you use a urinal cake to write on the griffon's chest,

Now I have a crossbow. Ho-ho-ho.

With that you stuff the urinal cake into the griffin's mouth, shut the stall door, and use the broken plunger and use it to seal the bathroom shut from the inside. With that done, you contemplate your next move...

BrownDog77 comment

Think bug, think. I need to get off this floor and avoid becoming a hostage, but they’ve surely got the elevator and stairs guarded so how else am I going to get out of here… you trail off as you look up and see an air vent.

“Horrorshow…” you say to yourself as you wall-crawl up to the vent, take off the grate, and crawl in.

“Thank you action serials.”

30 MINUTES LATER

“Buck you action serials.” You say to yourself as you realize that you’re now lost. You’re about to punch the wall in frustration when you see a grate leading to a janitor’s closet. Putting on your Multi-Vision Goggles and using the night vision to look into the darkened room, you see some objects that pique your interest and use Force Pull to pull them to you through the grate.

The first object is a wooden broom *crack* that you proceed to break in half with the help of your hookblade.

“Equestria doesn’t pay for dead bounties so I can’t kill any of them, but hopefully this will be enough to immobilize a pursuer if I jam it into their hind joints”

Next you look at a can of hair spray,

“Don’t want to use up my own WD-40 or Fire Extinguisher so hopefully this can serve as impromptu mace or even a flamethrower when combined with my lighter.”

"Sharp Pointy Stick"
"Hair Spray"
Added to Inventory

As you continue squeezing through the ducts, you realize something. These things really aren’t built for ponies to climb in and the vents are getting tighter.

“Ooof,” you breathe out as your belly takes up a bit of room, “Guess this is where the construction budget cuts kick in.” you snark as you try to keep moving forward, but get to an impasse where your flanks get caught.

“Oh to hay with this,” you say as you concentrate and use your changeling disguise spell to shapeshift into a small colt which allows you to fit much better, but now your clothing is a lot looser.

Knowing that you can’t maintain this spell for long, you quickly dash forward through the vent. Just as you feel your control slipping you suddenly fall through an overhead grate and change back to your normal size as you fall hard onto a desk.

“Oh My Goodness! Please don’t hurt me!” yelps a very annoying voice.

You look up and see that annoying overdressed jerk from before.

“Keep your pants on, I ain’t a terrorist.” You say as you get off the table.

He lets out a sigh of relief.

“Oh thank goodness. You’re just that shabby plebian from before,”

You roll your eyes at this. “Uh huh, now what are YOU doing up here… um…”

“Svengallop, Manager Extraordinaire, but of course you already knew that. And I was up here having a smoke break when those brutes burst in down below, I’ve been hiding since.”

“Why haven’t you tried escaping or getting help?”

“What are you crazy? I’m a celebrity! They’d go right for me for my greatness. It’s better to hide.”

“Oh how noble of you…” you snark as you see door leading to another office.

You go over to the door and try to open it, but it’s locked.

“I already tried that, you’d need something blunt and hard to get through,” he says.

“Hmmm…” you muse looking at Svengallop's head.

“What are you thinking?” he demands giving you a look.

“Use your head…”

"W-*wham* Owwww!"

Before he can respond, you slam him face first into the door which cracks, but remains shut.

"You savage stupid brute!” he whines as he clutches his nose, “I'll make sure you get my surgical bills for-"

"If at first you don’t succeed..." you interrupt nonchalantly as you start repeatedly slamming Svengallop's face into the door until it gives in and swings open.

“Hey look, it worked.” you smirk
.
“I… wo… count…” he mumbles dizzily with bits fluttering around his head.

Now that you have an exit open, you go about setting up a Home Loner-type trap using office supplies and a little bit of bait as you place the still dizzy Svengallop in a rolling chair underneath a deadfall you set up using rubber bands and a small filing cabinet.

“Now you just stay right here sleeping ugly.” you tell the woozy Svengallop as you get him in position.

“Concert... Autotune…” he responds.

You then go to the nearest smoke alarm, take out your Golden Lighter, and set it alight under the smoke alarm setting it off.

“That ought to get someling’s attention.” you say as you look out towards the city, hoping the fire brigade will show up. To your disappointment, you only see a heavyset earth pony officer walk over and enter the building. Before you could mentally comment on this, you hear steps coming to your floor so you duck into a cubicle.

Right on cue, you see an Earth Pony thug carrying a bag and a Minotaur thug both walk into the room, spears at the ready when they see Svengallop.

“Alright, party’s over. Come with us and you won’t get hurt.” the Minotaur orders, but Svengallop doesn’t seem to acknowledge them in his head-battered state.

Snorting in impatience, the Earth Pony thug walks over to Svengallop.

“You heard the bull fancypants.” He gruffly says as he pushes Svengallop off the chair, “Get up and join the other hostages before-” *WHAM*

Right on cue, the file cabinet falls from the ceiling and slams onto the thug’s head, knocking him out. As the minotaur is stunned by this action, you take the opportunity to charge at the Minotaur and prepare an immobilizing slime attack (1)... only for nothing to happen.

"Buck! Why isn't my changeling slime working?!"

"Ahem."

You look up to use the Minotaur looking down at you with a raised eyebrow and crossed arms.

Kick someone through a window (not from a height where a fall would be fatal) and utilize your new shirt/belly cannon to smash the bandits.

Getting an idea, you reach into your Saddlebags for the Shirt Cannon... Only to remember that you lost the shirt cannon foiling those wannabe airship hijackers.

"Uh... Critical Chi Strike!" you say as you try to concentrate and punch the Minotaur right in the gut as hard as you can.

"OWWW!"

And shake your hoof in pain while the Minotaur is completely unaffected other than the expression on his face turning to bemusement. In one more attempt, you quickly whip out the Crossbow from your saddlebags, only for the minotaur to grab it and crush it in one hand.

"Okay... this was a REALLY stupid ide-urk!"

The Minotaur grabs you by the throat, lifts you up, and then violently throws you through the walls of the cubicle until you slam into the wall, your ribs cracking from the impact,

"Someling get the number of that carriage." you mutter through gritted teeth as you try to get back up only to see the Minotaur coming right at you with a determined stride, spear in hand.

Thinking quickly, you grab the Hair Spray and Golden Lighter out of your Saddlebags and unleash a stream of fire right in the charging Minotaur’s face while declaring,

“Anypony order steak?!”

“GRAHHHHHH!!!” he screams as he flails around on fire while you quickly toss the flaming spray can at him before diving into a cubicle, “WHEN MY BROTHER GETS HIS HANDS ON YOU YOU’RE GOING TO-” *ka-boom*

ON THE GROUND

We see the large earth pony LPPD officer walking away the building with a small pantry’s worth of pastries on his back muttering to himself,

“Great, I’m on the last 15 minutes of my shift when I happen to pass by this building’s SECOND false alarm. On Hearth’s Warming Eve no less! Hopefully now I can go straight home to my pregnant wife without any more incidents-”

[*SPLASH*

Suddenly a flaming Minotaur falls from the sky and splashes onto the fountain next to him.

“SWEET CELESTIA!!!” he exclaims as he goes over to the minotaur’s unconscious form when suddenly a](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6wRZCV7naE&feature=youtu.be&t=1m26s) repeating crossbow [opens up on him from one of the higher floors.

“OFFICER UNDER ATTACK AT TRACKATOMI!” he screams, hightailing it out of their under the barrage of arrows, “I NEED BACKUP NOW! NOW CELESTIA DARN IT, NOW!!!”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6wRZCV7naE&feature=youtu.be&t=1m26s)

BACK WITH YOU

“Welcome to the party, pal!” you exclaim out the shattered window, having just limped over to where the exploding spray can sent the minotaur smashing out the window.

"Crossbow"
"Hair Spray"
lost

Feeling your cracked ribs, you're about to heal yourself when you realize something,

Buck. With all that commotion, some of those thugs are bound to come down here. I can't risk getting caught in mid-heal!

With that in mind, you quickly down a Bottle of Painkillers to help ignore the pain of your cracked ribs before you quickly put Svengallop (his hair singed by the explosion) back on the rolling chair (Chain Punching him to ensure continued wooziness), put the Earth Pony's bag on Svengallop, tie up the unconscious earth pony thug with duct tape, lock him in a nearby closet, put up a "Toxic Waste, Do Not Enter" on the door to make sure nopony opens the door, and then push the rolling chair with Svengallop and the bag out of the room.

Soon you find yourself back in the still-under-construction room with Svengallop and the bag. You concentrate to invoke your healing factor and soon you feel the healing green flame go over your body and heal your cracked ribs. Breathing a sigh of relief, you proceed to consume a snack (5 Granola Bars, 2 Chocolate Bars, and 2 Bottles of Vanilla-Cola) as you rummage through the bag for anything useful. All you find are some detonation wires and a weird-looking small box with a cluster of holes in one end.

You’re about to ponder what these could mean when you suddenly hear,

"THIS IS THE LAS PEGASUS POLICE DEPARTMENT, COME OUT UNARMED WITH YOUR HOOVES UP!"

You go to the window and see that the Las Pegasus Police have blockaded the building.

"About gorram time." you comment when you hear a deep cultured voice come out of the small box you're holding,

"All of you, stay at your posts! We knew that police action was inevitable, In fact, it's necessary. So let them start their feeble efforts; until then, stay calm. Remember that we have the hostages so we are still in charge."

I get it, this must be one of those fancy... what do they call it... Trotty-Talkies. But these things are expensive and rare so these guys must be some serious characters.

Suddenly you hear smashing and angry shouting from the other end.

"Um... boss?" you overhear Rufus ask with fear in his voice.

"Let Károlos get it out of his system." the boss replies calmly, "Once he's a little calmer over his brother's defenestration we will proceed with the plan and then deal with this mystery pest inconveniencing us."

Oh great, that minotaur I threw out the window has a big brother. you think in dread.

Carrying "Terrorist Bag"

"Terrorist Bag" contents
-Detonation Wires
-Trotty-Talky

You then press the button on the Trotty-Talky and are about to interrupt this meeting with a witty one-liner when...

"Why are we in this shabby half-completed room?! I need some water imported from Rainbow Falls with straws right n-" Svengallop whines before you shove a hoof into his mouth to shut him up.

"Károlos, take two of our ponies with you and sweep the rooms still under construction." you hear the cultured voice say much to your dread.

"D'oh!"

"Nopony else kills him." you hear an angry voice growl as you hear a REALLY large ax being drawn, "He's MINE."

A shiver of fear goes down your spine as the Trotty-Talky turns off. You then glare at Svengallop in annoyance as you think,

Someling remind me why I brought this idiot along?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(1) Changeling slime is a technique used to immobilize targets and make it easier and faster to extract love. While it's faster to cocoon and entrap target in groups, individuals changelings can create small amounts in order to help trip up or slow down targets.

HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVERYPONY/LING! Now that the authorities are finally getting involved, things are about to get interesting. And that annoying over-dressed Earth Pony is indeed Svengallop from the Season 5 Episode "The Mane Attraction". He was at the Trackatomi Plaza party to negotiate a Trackatomi Corporation-held Countess Coloratura concert when this takeover happened.

Unfortunately, since this timeline is still in Season 3 (post-Alicorn Princess Twilight), the events of Season 5 have NOT happened yet which means we can NOT kill, maim, discredit, or cripple this annoying jerk (although feel free to hurt and humiliate him :pinkiecrazy:).

Also remember;
-None of the Mane 6 or any princesses show up
-No exposing Ritz as a changeling
-NO KILLING (yes, even that minotaur set on fire and exploded out a window and long-fell into a fountain IS still alive. Minotaurs are very durable)
-You have an angry vengeful Minotaur named Károlos wielding a giant battle ax and hunting for you.

-Ritz can NOT last that long in straight up combat (one throw by a minotaur cracked his ribs) so use stealth instead.
-This is Equestria so there are NO televisions, phones, or other electrical technology
-The police are in possession of the fallen minotaur's Trotty-Talkie, perhaps a certain earth pony will end up chatting with Ritz...

Today’s Question;

With the exception of the first Die Hard, what is your favorite Die Hard-style movie or TV show episode and why?

For clarification, this means a plot where bad guys have taken over a place/area and the good guy(s) have to fight their way to victory from the inside. Again, you can NOT choose the first Die Hard for your answer.

Happy 2016 and Yippiekiyay motherbuckers!

Chapter 24: Now I Have Backup. Ho-Ho-Ho (Die Hard Arc Part 2)

MidnightFMare

You take your hoof off of Svengallop's mouth when the predictable happens,

"Oh how dare you put your filthy hoof on my lips! It'll take an airship load of chapsticks to get the taste out of my mouth! I'll make sure you're blacklisted from every Countess Col-"

"Aquila Talon." *shnk* you say as you activate the hookblade right up against Svengallop's face shutting him up.

"I don't know what you're going to whine next, but I recommend keeping it to yourself cause I can guarantee the next words after that will be 'Oh Celestia, my eye', Capisce?"

He rapidly nods his head fearfully.

"Horrorshow." you say as you retract the hookblade, "Now go stay in that corner and face the wall or you're going out the window."

Svengallop is about to whine in protest when the glare you're giving him shuts him up and he complies, going to the corner and grumbling to himself.

"Okay... I have one spoiled moron who isn't good for much aside from bait and I have a vengeful minotaur with at least 2 comrades hunting for me..." You groan as you look around, finding nothing of interest.

"Agh... what would Chunk Norris do?"

"Roundhouse kick every last thug with killer precision and an impressive mustache-beard combo" Chunk Norris' disembodied, ethereal head says to you.

"Cruel Chrysalis!" you yelp, jumping away from the head, "Chunk Norris?! You... you're dead?" you ask, your film buff heart breaking.

"Of course I'm not dead, you punk!" he yells at you "I'm just a figment of your imagination. Nothing kills Chunk Norris! Chunk Norris kills nothing!"

"Doesn't that mean that you don't kill at all?" you point out,

He scowls at you, and you can feel that he's shaking his ethereal hoof at you and you're lucky he hasn't roundhouse kicked you into the sun.

"Forget about the syntax goo-brain! Listen, you've seen every single good, bad, and ugly action movie in existence, right?"

You nod unsurely.

"Then do the things in those movies! Now, what do you have that the thugs don't?"

"...an encyclopedic knowledge of movies and serials?" you say unsurely.

"Yes, and an imaginary floating Chunk Norris head talking to you. Seriously, you may want to get that checked out."

"Yeah! I can do this! I can win!" You grin as you start looking through your saddlebags, "Yes!! I can see a plan now-"

"Seeing as how I'm all in your head, I already know what your plan is and it's a good plan, just don't make too many Michael Beigh explosions and watch out for anypony with nunchaku that makes a lot of funny high-pitched noises when fighting."

You smile and grab and drag Svengallop behind you to the elevator.

"Come on Pretty mare, let's get you all ready for your close-up." you say and are about to get into the elevator when you see it coming down,

"That must be the sweeping party. Better take the stairs." you say before going up the stairs as the elevator opens revealing a large minotaur with a giant ax flanked by an earth pony with a crossbow and a unicorn who exit and start sweeping the rooms still under construction.

ONE SET UP LATER

Anyway I suggest using Svengallop as bait. When the goon are distracted with him you could surprise them.

Throw a thunderorb and clean out a few of the criminals, with the minotaur being one of those getting zapped.

MidnightFMare

Svengallop looks at you nervously,

"I-I'm an agent, not an actor! Please, I'll do anything but not... what you're planning!"

You shush him and pull a mare's fishnet stocking over his head "You just have to say your lines, and run. That's easier than what I have to do."

"I mean... why should we even help these ponies instead of just hiding or running away? I don't even know them!"

"Good Samaritan, I suppose. That and I have a thing against thugs with more muscle than wit." you briefly look at your last 2 Bits in your Saddlebags, "Plus I need the bits. Anyway, here goes..."

You then shove Svengallop through the penthouse door as you run off for your part of the plan.

"Ow!" he greets, barging down the door to the hostage room. He then feels multiple eyes on him causing him to blurt out what you told him to say.

"Um... I have been charged by Your mothers, were a bunch of hamsters I may add!" he inhales "I blow my nose at you silly little empty-headed food trough water! I fart in your general direction!!" He puts a hoof to his forehead and waves it around, blowing a raspberry at them.

The griffon leader quirks an eyebrow at Svengallop,

"What a peculiar little stallion. Get him."

Svengallop gulps and runs back into the hallway screaming like a little filly as four terrorists (2 earth ponies, a buffalo, and a pegasus) chase after him.

MEANWHILE

You managed to get back to the half-completed room only to see the large minotaur Károlos giving orders to an earth pony with a crossbow and a unicorn. You manage to quickly duck into a shadowed corner, climb onto the ceiling, get your Multi-Vision Goggles ready, and listen in.

"You two stay here. If you see that character, I want you to steer him downstairs. Remember, he's mine."

The two stallions salute as the minotaur leaves for the elevator, dragging his heavy ax with him.

Good thing I didn't take the elevator. you think to yourself as the unicorn and the earth pony start sweeping the room side-by-side when you all hear girly screaming coming towards the room.

You roll your eyes as you ready a Thundercloud Orb while the two ponies head to the entrance doorway. Soon Svengallop comes screaming in only to be grabbed by the two stallions as the other four come in,

"Got you you little-"

You quickly throw the orb at the group, shattering it in an explosion of blinding flash of light and a deafening crack of thunder as they become covered in a thick grey cloud as you drop down from the ceiling with Multi-Vision Goggles set to Thermal.

4 "Thundercloud Orbs"
remaining

As the 6 ponies (and 1 buffalo) stumble around stunned in the grey cloud, you use your Thermal vision to identify Svengallop and quickly grab and roughly throw the stunned stallion to a safer corner of the room. You then run up to an Earth Pony, knock the crossbow out of his hooves, and shove him into the buffalo who picks the pony up and declares,

"TAKE THIS!!!"

"Wait! It's-" the pony says, but gets an (un)healthy serving of headbutt. You quickly follow up by going around and pushing and Chain Punching ponies into each other before quickly ducking out of the cloud and standing by as the 6 terrorists start blindly brawling with each other. The brawl takes them close to a large window when you notice the grey cloud starting to clear up.

Buck! If they see me I'm a dead bug! Gotta do something...

In desperation, you quickly point a hoof at the Buffalo and focus. Soon the grey cloud disappears completely as the pegasus of the group flies to the ceiling to get away from the brawlers when he sees you.

"There he is get him!" he says pointing a hoof at you.

Suddenly the buffalo lets out an enraged war cry with glowing red eyes and blindly charges into the four ponies, sending them all crashing out the window.

DOWN BELOW

We see a shiny police carriage with a mattress on top of it arrive on the scene as a pegasus wearing a suit and carrying a donut comes out and walks over to the earth pony officer who is being tended to by a medic.

"Deputy Chief." the earth pony officer salutes.

"What's the situation here officer?" the deputy chief says munching on the donut.

"Possible takeover situation with hostages."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well according to the Trackatomi Corporation, they had a holiday party in the penthouse and an automatic crossbow tried to turn me into swiss cheese."

"Okay, we need to coordinate and send in teams of officer to get rid of those thugs!" the round pony says, munching on a donut before going over to his carriage, admiring the cart's shiny coat and the mattress.

"Finally saved up enough Bits for that carriage-mattress deal. Ain't gonna let nothin' happen to yo-"

Suddenly the 5 figures crash onto the cart, the mattress keeps the fall from being fatal but the cart is utterly smashed in front of the Deputy Chief's eyes.

"..." he stares at what remains of the cart with 5 unconscious terrorists on the debris, speechless.

"You... you okay deputy chief?"

He whimpers, tears going down his face,

"All my donuts were in there..." He turns to the building "YOU MANIACS!! YOU CRUSHED THEM!! DARN YOU!! DARN YOU ALL TO TARTARUS!!!"

BACK WITH YOU

"Stout Strength, what's gotten into you-" the pegasus terrorist yells out the broken window.

"Aquila Talon!" you declare as you jump at the pegaus and manages to hit him at the joint where the wing attaches to the body with the hookblade knocking him down in pain. Before he could reorient himself, you quickly Chain Punch him in the face long enough to knock him out.

As you use duct tape to restrain the pegasus terrorist, Svengallop groans and stumbles over, the stocking still on his head as he mumbles, "Hello, you pathetic... ninny-muggins..."

Kichi's comment

As Svengallop is still woozy in the corner, you think about disguising yourself as the Pegasus you just subdued, but you remember your disguise only lasts for a few minutes at most. Fortunately you get another idea and press the button on the Trotty-Talky.

"Intruder! There's an Intruder in the elevator" You say changing your voice a little.

Even though it's too hard to maintain a visual disguise, you can still change your voice just find so you use that to try to confuse everypony.

"I think I see something running to the roof." you say in another voice.

"Blood! Blood everywhere! Somepony is hurt in the bathroom!" you say in a third voice.

"The cops! The cops are coming from the back door!" you yell again as he change his voice.

Soon you hear voices on the other side panicking and rushing everywhere around the building as the leader tries to calm them down. Laughing at this chaos, you can help but have some fun,

"In the name of the moon, thou are going to be punished" you say in a voice very similar to that of Princess Luna.

*SMASH*

At that sound you turn and see a large, coldly angry minotaur standing where the wall us with a large ax in his hands as he glares at you.

"Do you think you can throw Karolos' brother out of a window and get away with it? Karolos is going to show you a world of pain" he roars as he charges forward.

Your training kicking in, you quickly jump away as he brings down his ax smashing into the floor as you start quickly crawling up the wall.

"Get down so that Karolos can smash you!" he roars as he swings the ax through the wall.

"Uhhh... Maybe you can help us? Whatever the griffon pay, we can pay the double, think about it! They send you to do the dirt work, why obey a stupid griffon?" Ask Ritz

"That griffin is a wise leader. Even if you didn't defenestrate Karolos' brother, you don't have any money!" he roars as he smashes the ax close to you with enough force to knock you off the wall and onto the ground. You manage to scamper out of the way of his next blow and find yourself near Svengallop.

Also if it comes to it don't be afraid to use Svengallop as a meat shield. That way he can take any hits meant for you.

"Whiny distraction, activate!" you declare as you grab Svengallop and shove him at Karolos only for the minotaur to violently shove him aside, but it was enough of a distraction for you to run into the hallway and slam the door shut...

Love the Changeling comment

"Okay, minotaurs are tanks, direct combat is suicide." you say as you pull down your Multi-Vision Goggles, "Come on, there has to be something I can do to lose him!"

You run to the end of the hall where the emergency stairwell is, only for the door to remain stuck.

"Buck!" you curse as you run back to the other emergency door when suddenly the door you slammed shut smashes open.

"Ready to die?!" he declares vengefully.

"Double Buck!" you say as you hit the nearby light switch to kill the lights and smash the switch with "Aquila Talon" for good measure as you activate Night Vision on your goggles.

"Even with the lights out it's still a hallway punk!" Karolos roars as he swings his ax around, "You can't beat a minotaur on his home turf!"

"D'oh!" you exclaim as you use your Night Vision to keep your distance from Karolos's ax.

Cake bomb? No, too much prep needed for that. Reinforced hat? Doubt it would do anything. Thundercloud Orbs? Too little to waste on a single enemy. you quickly think to yourself.

You barely manage to duck as Karolos swings his ax into a door.

Duct tape, used blanket, WD-40, pointy stick,

Suddenly you spot the hole Karolos made in the door and see a room with a spiral staircase.

*Ding*

Having a eureka moment, you manage to run past the minotaur in the darkness, open the door, and run into the room.

"Found you!" Karolos roars as the light from the room spills into the hallway. After charging in, he looks around the room until he spots the spiral staircase going up and he charges straight up it, but unfortunately for him you were lying in wait behind a large urn by the stairs. You quickly leap out from your hiding spot and stab the Pointy Stick right into the minotaur's thigh joint. As Karolos roars in pain, you quickly jump on his chest and knock him down the spiral staircase, Chain Punching the giant in the face the entire slide down as the back of his head bounces against each stair.

"Pointy Stick"
lost

When you reach the bottom of the stairs, you quickly grab the nearby urn and smash it onto Karolos' face for good measure. You're about to restrain him with duct tape when you hear more voices coming from upstairs forcing you to make a hasty exit.

I better find that Svengallop prick before he gets himself killed.

Just make sure the cops don't mistake you for one of the terrorists.

BrownDog77 comment

"Where were you? My hair is a mess and my suit is ruined! 3000 Bits on sale made from imported-"

*shnk*

"Shutting up."

"Good pony." you say as you pick up a crossbow on the ground, drag Svengallop to a janitor's closet (shoving his face through it for good measure), and inside you find an roll of duct tape that you use to tape Svengallop's yap shut.

As you do this, your changeling senses hear a terrorist approaching the closet so you run to the door. Timing it just right, you quickly push the door open and slam it into the sap's face. You follow this up by slapping duct tape on his mouth and pulling him into the closet like those creepy trap door spiders before roughly shoving him to the floor. Fortunatly this terrorist is a unicorn so you Chain Punch his horn until he falls unconscious from the barrage.

As you tie him up with the duct tape, you hear a buzzing noise and a new voice from the Trotty Talkie.

“Hello? Hello? Is anypony there? This is the Las Pegasus Police, can anypony respond?”

Make the "shush" gesture at the scared Svengallop, you get on the Trotty-Talky and answer,

“Hello? You that cop I saw running off?”

“Yes, I found this Talkie off that minotaur that fell in the fountain before Cross Bolts came at me. Apparently it’s tuned to yours. What’s going on?”

“I’m not quite sure, terrorists of all races stormed the building and are holding all the Penthouse people hostage. I got away with a so called “Celebrity” and we’re both trying not to get caught here. I just threw that guy out the window and knocked out his bud-"

“Wait, you threw that big guy down here? The one who was on fire?”

“Yeah, I Rorschached his ass.”

“Dang… who are you?”

“Name's Ritz, you?”

“I’m Officer Powell, and good job, thanks to you we got backup on the way, we’ll get to you in no time.”

“I don’t know about that copper, the Griffin in charge seems to have a plan for that. I’d be careful.” you reply.

"How many terrorists do you think we're dealing with?" Powell asks.

"I don't know an exact number, but I do know I knocked out and locked up one Griffin in the bathroom, knocked out another earth pony with a filing cabinet and locked him in a closet, flambed a minotaur out the window, tricked 5 more into going out the window, grounded a pegasus and locked him in another closet, stabbed the minotuar's big angry brother in the thigh joint with a pointy stick and chain-punched him down the stairs, but had to leave when his buddies arrived, and I just subdued another unicorn right now."

"Again, dang. That's 6 in our custody, 4 subdued upstairs, and 1 angry motherhubbard wounded. How long have you been a bounty hunter for?"

"First day." you respond nonchalantly as you prop the restrained and unconcious unicorn against a wall.

“Triple dang." he responds is shock causing you to chuckle.

"You get anything out of the 6 I sent ya?" you ask.

"Unfortunately that fall knocked them out stone cold. The medical staff on the scene say the earliest they'll wake up is in the morning."

"Shame, but better them than me." you respond.

"Still, you should remain hidden. You don’t need to endanger yourself anymore if there are hostages.”

“No can do Powell, thanks to Twinkle-Hooves here, they’re already on our case, and you’re crazy if you think I’m going to let anyone die while I can do something from the shadows."

"Well we'd appreciate it if you don't start racking up a body count up there." Powell recommends.

"Relax, I’m a bounty hunter after all and last I checked corpses aren't worth anything anyway. I got this…”

“*Sigh* Don’t do anything reckless, the negotiators have just arrived and the deputy chief on the scene is preparing an assault. And Ritz, be careful…”

“Yeah, you too man, Happy Hearthswarming!”

As you put the Trotty-Talky away, you look to Svengallop and give him a glare.

“Alright Mr. Primadonna, I’m going to leave you here with this crossbow. Try not to get caught and try not to put a bolt in my brain. If you get hungry, here's a Chocolate Bar. I’m gonna do some reconnaissance, ok?”

He tries to say something, but it is muffled by the tape.

“I’m going to assume that was an asinine way of saying yes on your part.” you quip before leaving.

-2 Chocolate Bars
remaining

As you leave the room, the Trotty-Talky crackles to life and you hear the cultured voice,

"Theo, what's your status?"

"So far I have no such luck,
But I'm sure it'll soon give up." you hear a nerdy zebra voice say from the other end.

"Okay, don't waste time talking to me. Rufus, what is the status on Karolos?"

"He injured, but he down whole bottle of painkillers." you hear Rufus reply.

"And what about the wires for the detonator his brother has?"

"We no find them."

There's a brief pause before the leader continues.

"As soon as the painkillers kick in, tell Karolos we're moving to Plan 'Repulse'. The police are most likely planning a direct assault on the building so we need to have our counter-measures in place against a Pegasus raid on the roof and others from the ground."

Hearing this news, you remember what Powell said about a planned raid by the police causing you to say in dread,

“Oh no…”

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

The police are planning an assault, but it looks like the terrorists have some tricks up their sleeves...

Also remember;
-None of the Mane 6 or any princesses show up
-No exposing Ritz as a changeling
-NO KILLING on EITHER side.
-Ritz can NOT last that long in straight up combat (one throw by a minotaur cracked his ribs) so use stealth.
-This is Equestria so there are NO televisions, phones, or other electrical technology
-Officer Powell is your friend on the ground who you can talk with via the Trotty-Talky

Today’s Question is still from last chapter due to the lack of responses,

With the exception of the first Die Hard, what is your favorite Die Hard-style movie or TV show episode and why?

For clarification, this means a situation where bad guys have taken over a place/area and the good guy(s) have to fight their way to victory from the inside. Again, you CANNOT choose the first Die Hard for your answer so have fun.

Yippie-Ki-Yay motherbuckers!

Chapter 25: I'll Take It Under Advisement (Die Hard Arc Part 3)

Kichi comment

"They're going to annihilate the building at this rate... I need to do something..." you mutter.

Suddenly Trixie crashes through a window with a strange yellow aura around her and a spiky yellow mane.

"Don't worry babe, the Great and Powerful Trixie will handle this!" she declares suddenly starts teleporting around and punching all the villains before the lead Griffin tears off his business suit exposing a hugely muscled frame and prepares a massive beam attack as Trixie readies a Kamehameha. You're watching this display with your jaw dropped when,

"Ritz, our ponies are gonna bust in and rescue the hostages, just don't do anything stupid." you hear Official Powell from the Trotty-Talky.

You're about to answer when you look back and see that the battle and Trixie have disappeared. You shake your head and realize you just hallucinated all that.

"Great, first Chunk Norris, then Saiyan Trixie... What's next? The three changeling kings?" you snark as you turn only to see a trio of changelings; one very black and another two with long beards.

"Gah! You ain't fooling me again!" you yell as you throw a chair at them.

"Bad changeling, You are going to have coal forever!" One of them shouts as they all throw coal at you and disappear flying out the window.

"Ritz, are you there? Ritz?!" Powell urgently yells into the Trotty-Talky as you bang your head against a wall to rid yourself of the hallucinations.

"Okay... Checklist; 1. Take out the bad guys without being spotted. 2. Take care of the bombs... 3. Don't get mistaken for terror- Wait, Why do I suddenly feel like a pony with OCD?" you mutter.

BrownDog77 comment

"Powell! Powell, Do you read me?" you yell into your Trotty-Talky.

"Yeah Ritz, I hear you! I've been trying to get your attention for 5 min-"

"You gotta pull back now!"

"What? But they've just sent the flyboys up top, they're lining up the armored carriages, and the P.A.I.N. unit is almost on it's way, everything's going to be-"

"They're planning Something! Tell them to pull back now!"

"I-" he begins when suddenly a series of concussive blast noises coming from the roof tell you it's too late.

You stick your head out of a window, and see injured Pegasi guards raining from the sky and barely being caught by unicorn guards below.

"BUCK!!!" you scream in indignation.

"The fliers have been dealt with sir." you suddenly hear over your talkie.

"Good, any fatalities?" asks the Griffin.

"No sir, but that blast should keep them from another air attempt anytime soon."

"Good, now take out their armored carriages before they burst the door down."

"Ritz! The hay was that?" yells Powell.

"The trap I was talking about! Now get your ground forces back! They're about to-"

From your window you see what looks like a rocket of some kind launch out of the windows and explode under the lead armored carriage sending it crashing upside down into the armored carriage behind it.

"Holy Buck!"

You switch the frequency on your talky and growl,

"That's enough you feathery Bucker! They get the point!"

"Ahh... Am I to assume that this is the being taking out my employees like berliners?"

"That's right you sick buck! And you better stop blasting those cops, now!"

"I'll take it under advisement." he says smoothly before another rocket is fired.

"AAAAHHH... That's it buck face! One way or another, I'm gonna fry you!" you threaten.

He chuckles at that before saying, "Oh really now? You're just going to barge in here, alone, against all of my men and take us out gung-ho style like some sort of movie action hero?"

"Yeah, something like that. Yippee Ki Yay Motherbucker..." you snark into the talkie as you carefully walk up the wall.

"You've been watching far too many Applewood blockbusters." he scoffs.

Kichi comment

You carefully walk on the ceiling out into the hallway till you hear a voice muttering to himself from a room. You knock on the door and say in a falsetto voice,

"Room service. Somepony order a pizza with the works?"

"Pizza? I didn't order a bucki-*wham*" the voice says before you swing down and slam your back hooves into the door as hard as you can when the voice gets close enough. Before he can recover, you jump in the doorway, tackle the henchpony into the wall, hit him in the throat with the brim of your Bowler to stun him again, then quickly scan your nearby surroundings, grab a nearby vase, and smash it over the henchpony's head knocking him out.

"Okay, now where's the minotau-" you say to yourself before the words die in your throat when you see said Minotaur there.

You almost panic and flee, but another look shows that Karolos is obvious still groggy at the moment as he’s just standing there wobbling, leaning on his battle axe for balance and oblivious to you knocking out his co-worker in front of him. You very carefully place a bucket on his head and a can of soup in front of him so when he does move he’ll hopefully knock himself out.

Intercept the team that's going to try repulsing the pegasi assault; support is going to be vital. Oh, and make sure the cops don't think you're one of the bad guys; that would mean trouble, and could be humiliating.

MidnightFPony comment

"Okay, I need to help the cops get here, I can't take them down alone at this rate." you mutter, racing up the stairs to the top floor "Probably explosives or anti-air artillery... Easy."

Reaching the top most floor, you find several carefully hidden explosives hidden there, too many to remove in time.

"Don't. Move." someling grumbles behind you as you sense the crossbow pointed at the back of your head "So you're the one who's been attacking my colleagues, I expected something... better."

You grin, "You can't kill me, Karolos wants me for himself."

"I don't care what that overgrown heifer wants. I just want my money."

"And I want a solid gold toilet seat, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards either." You snark, turning around slowly "So, what's your name-"

Your snark dies in your mouth as to your surprise you see a sheep with a crossbow.

"What in the name-"

The sheep hits you over the head with the crossbow, but most of the force is taken by the hat, "So a sheep can't have a job?! Is that what you mean? Huh?! Huh?!"

"No! I mean, I just... Pocket sand!!" the sheep flinches and you scramble away, hiding.

He blinks and growls in a very un-sheeply way "You-! Get back here you coward!!"

"I hope this works..." you say as you grab your can of WD-40 and your lighter.

The sheep charges and you leap over him, spraying the WD-40 onto his back before you land and light the stream, setting the sheep's wool on fire "Gaaaaaaah!!!! Fire! Fire! FIRE!!"

He rolls around trying to extinguish the flames and drops his crossbow, which you pick up "Alright Sheep, Ewe know what needs to be done, right?"

He stares at you incredulously "... Not cool dude, puns are not cool."

You hiss, your eyes flashing angrily, "PUNS ARE AWESOME!"

"They really aren't." Chunk Norris's head says as it appears next to yours.

You scream under your breath in despair and level the crossbow at the sheep "What does your boss want? Tell me!"

"You have to kill me!"

"What does your boss want?!" you ask again, getting ready to pull the trigger.

"Kiss my nappy behind, cretin!"

Your patience is running thin "What does your boss want?!"

"He's after the bonds in the safe on the lower floor!" he shouts.

You blink several times and shrug "That was easy. Why did you tell me?"

"I can't stand it when someone asks me the same question three times! It just irritates me!" he answers.

"Huh. Odd, but whatever." you kick him in the face and bind him with Duct tape, and then shiver "I hope I don't get Anthrax or something."

"Oh come on, that's just speciesist!" he bleats wearily.

You roll your eyes and turn him onto its sides "Don't go anywhere."

He glares at you "As if I could!"

You smirk and look around "Where are the countermeasures?"

"I'm never going to say!" he bleats.

"Are you really going to make me ask you two more times?" you ask "Ugh, fine, where are the countermeasures?"

"You're never going to get me to say!"

"Where are the countermeasures?" You ask again.

"I spit at you!"

"Ha! I asked three times! You have to tell me!" You point out.

"No I don't, you asked it once, then asked a different question with different wording, then the first question two more times." he replies, smug.

A vein throbs in your forehead "I asked it three times! Just- oh, never mind, I found them." you rip out the explosives from behind the insulation and start tossing out a window.

He sighs in defeat "I'd commit Sheepuku if I could move..."

You ignore it and toss the last bundle of explosives "There, now they can get in safely, or are there other things? Are there other things? Are there other things?"

The sheep screams "There aren't! I was supposed to unpack that missile launcher but I never got around to it!"

Your ears perk up "Rocket launcher? Horrorshow!" you look around and find a box with "RPG" on the side, several smaller cases with rockets and missiles inside "... It's like Hearth's warming morning...' you wipe a tear from your eyes and load up

1 Launcher obtained, 5 rockets obtained, 10 miniature missiles obtained.

You secure the sheep to the floor and gallop down the stairs giddy-

*Crash*

When you hear a crash and see Karolos bucket-covered head crashed into the wall.

“You!!" the minotaur yells when he rips the bucket off his head and spots you.

"Ah gorramit." You mutter, leveling the rocket launcher onto your shoulder, "I’ll have my steak to go." You quip as you fire.

The rocket knocks back Karolos several feet, but he wrenches the missile from his impeccable abs and throws it back at you like a javelin, but you barely dodge it by diving into a table so the missile flies out the window.

You scramble back to your feet and grab the tablecloth before waving it, "Toro! Toro!"

It snorts and charges at the cloth, but you spin away and he smashes into a wall.

You snicker but he shakes it off and charges at you again, and this time, you barely avoid being skewered on his horns. You snicker at this, but it dies in your throat when you see him spot and pick up his massive battle axe.

"Okay, Saturday morning cartoons don't fail me now..." you leap and stand at the top of the steps, facing away from the stairs themselves.

"Ole!" you shout as Karolos charges right at you with the axe over his head...

And starts to roll down every single flight of the spiral stairs, grunting and cursing the whole time.

"Looks like his life is a downward spiral now." you joke, earning a groan from the disembodied Chunk Norris head as you walk off down the hall when you hear from the Trotty-Talky,

DWC comment

“Ritz, what was that explosion?!”

“Relax Powell, that was me taking care of our explosives problem.” you say confidently as Chunk Norris dissappears.

“You got great timing as the P.A.I.N. unit has just been deployed and is on its way.”

Your changeling instincts kicking in, you gain an evil smirk and switch the channel to the Griffin,

“Hey FKC, you there?”

“What is it this time?” he responds in bored annoyance.

“Just calling to let you know your anti-air weapons have been taken out like last week’s garbage and there’s a PAIN on his way to live up to his name!” you taunt.

"Tsk, tsk. With the potential for a P.A.I.N. unit being involved, did you honestly believe I'd put all my eggs in one basket? But I thank you for the heads up."

“Heads up? What do y- Oh buck!!!” you yell as you switch channels back in a panic,

“POWELL! POWELL! YOU GOTTA CALL OFF THAT PAIN RIGHT NOW!”

Unfortunately he doesn’t hear you over the cheers of other officers as a burly armored Pegasus comes flying in overhead.

Suddenly a tube sticks out from one of the upper windows at the P.A.I.N. and fires a missile. He stakes taking evasive maneuvers only for the missile to explode sending a sticky rainbow substances splattering outward coating the pegasus.

“OH CRUEL CHYRSALIS! They must have doused him with some colorful flesh-eating acid- Wait, is that Zap Apple Jam?” you realize, “Seriously? What’s that supposed t-”

“THE JAM! IT STICKS ALL OVER! OH, I CAN ONLY SEE A HORRIBLE RAINBOW!” the pegasus P.A.I.N. screams in horror as he blindly flies in panicked circles.

“Hate to see what happens when he meets Rainbow Da-” you start to quip before it’s interrupted by the P.A.I.N. flying straight into the ground into the pile of flaming armored carriages knocking them all back in a shockwave. When the dust clears he’s unconscious in the crater still covered in zap apple jam.

“…Oh son of a-”

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

GUESS WHO’S BACK!!!

HERE IS THE LINK TO A FORUM THREAD LISTING YOUR (RITZ'S/815's) ITEMS AND ABILITIES

Yeah it's been almost 2 years but I'm back to continue this fic. Looking back at this fic, I've realized I've probably been too much of a control freak regarding this fic so I'm gonna loosen up on the Remember sections;

Speaking of which; Also remember;

-NO KILLING on EITHER side.
-Ritz can NOT last that long in straight up combat (one throw by a minotaur cracked his ribs) so use stealth.
-This is Equestria so there are NO televisions, phones, or other electrical technology. Any tech has to be explicitly magic-based/powered

Also, I wonder what happened to that “buggy fence” Ritz was hoping to meet at the party…

It feels good to be back so have fun!

Prelude: Okay, I'm here. Now what?

It was a dark and stormy night... In Baltimare yesterday as it is now cloudy over there with a 24% chance of rain (due to the Weather Pegasi drinking so much at a post-work party yesterday that they may forget they already made it rain the day before), but that's all irrelevant as it is currently a clear sunny day in the Everfree Forest. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the trees are... photosynthesize.. ing? Gah! Enough setup, time for story!

We see a changeling lying unconscious on a flowerbed *1. Suddenly, a branch breaks from a nearby tree, exposing the changeling to sunlight that causes him to stir.

"Ohhhhh..." you groan as you slowly open your eyes. You get up shakily as you start to look around.

"How did I get here?" you ask noling in particular.

You try to remember how you got here, but all you can remember clearly is being a part of your Queen's assault on Eqeustria's capital before being launched by a powerful bubble of love energy. Everything else before then is either a blur or in fragments.

"So I have blunt-force amnesia... Great. That's story-time cliche number one out of the way."

You start to brush leaves and flowers out of your limb holes as you comment,

"At least I can still remember my rank and drone number; Specialist 815."

Deciding that you could get a better view of where you are from above, you start to buzz your wings only to feel a sharp flash of pain. You grit your teeth as you sarcastically grumble,

"Guess flight's not an option. Just when I thought my wings couldn't get any better..."

You sigh at the fact that due to an abnormality in your wing tendons, you could only fly short distances at most.

"Might as well run a full systems check." you mutter to yourself, "Magic..."

Your horn glows as you telekinetically lift up a stick and a stone.

"Check..." you confirm as you drop them, "Disguise."

With that, you briefly get engulfed in green fire and standing in your place is a red unicorn with a yellow mane & tail and a black jacket.

"Chec- Ow!"

You feel another flash of pain in your head as your disguise fails.

"Uncheck..." you groan, "Must have banged my skull harder than I thought… Changelings?"

You focus your senses as you start sweeping in a circle trying to sense members of your Hive, but you can not sense even the tiniest trace of other changelings.

"Also uncheck... Or would that be an 'X' or a blank or... Gah, Focus bug!"

After giving up on finding others from the Hive, you summarize,

"Okay... Flight, disguises, and reinforcements are out, but I can still use magic and walk and chew bubblegum at the same time."

After turning your head to get another sweep of the area you think,

"Better get moving. I'm sure I can get an idea where I am eventually."

With that said, you begin walking through this dense forest...

ONE HOUR LATER

"Okay... This forest is bigger than I thought, but I WILL get an idea as to where I am."

A FEW HOURS LATER

"Okay, maybe I only have a slight idea where I am, but that doesn't mean I'm los-"

A FEW MORE HOURS LATER

Equestria girls. We're pony-fabulous. Fast, fine, fierce. We trot till we dro-*trip WHAM* "Ow..."

HALF AN HOUR LATER

"Buck it. I'm lost." you say to yourself as you continue to make your way through the forest. In your solitude, your mind can't help but wander.

Feels weird being by myself for so long. Sure, I've been sent on missions before, but other changelings were never that far behind. Now that I can't feel or sense them, it feels... weird, but not in the bad way oddly enough...

As you walk further into the forest, you begin to think more about the structure of your Hive. Because you were all bugs that looked the same and could disguise themselves as almost anypony, there wasn't much need for what ponies would call a "personality". It was just more convenient to just do your job as another loyal faceless drone while letting the Queen do most of the thinking.

But now that you're so far away from your Hive, you can't help but feel like you want to act and think independently more instead of just being another mindless drone. As far as you can recall ("Stupid amnesia..."), there are at least 4 traits that have helped set you apart from other changelings back in the Hive (*2);

One; As a hatchling, you were always good at "hide and seek" (one of the few games not frowned upon, but actually encouraged in the Hive as it improves stealth and tracking skills) and even as a grown bug, you've had a knack for evasion. Great for standard missions... Not so great when you're ordered to go along with a head-on assault on the bearers of "The Elements of Harmony".

You shudder and ache as you remember you were one of the few changelings who managed to get hit by all 6 of those powerhouse mares (*3),

"Mere civilians" my flank. Note to Self: Find out who's job it was to gather the intel on the Elements of Harmony and smack that moron upside the head. you think in annoyance.

Two; You LOVE going to the theater. Applewood blockbusters about costumed superheroes, animated fairy tale musicals, grand sci-fi adventures involving time travel, animated Neighponese serials about spiky-maned characters declaring their fancy attacks as they hurl them at each other, even sitcom serials about mismatched roommates; you love watching them, you love referencing/quoting them, you just love them period. Not to mention that Romance movies are a great place to collect and consume love... if you can put up with the formulaic sappy writing.

"Seriously, more romance movies need to be like Shauna of the Dead or The Prince Groom..." you mutter to yourself.

Three; You always were a bit of a Smartass. A snarky sense of humor comes in hoofy for helping you stay calm(er) in missions and for dealing with incompetent squadmates. Although your mouth has gotten you into quite a bit of slime...

Four;-

Suddenly you trip over a small rock and slam face-first into a tree... Again.

...You were never exactly always in Fortuna's favor (which is a fancy-pants way of saying you're prone to bad luck).

As you rub your aching face, you think,

It would REALLY help if I could just figure out where the hay I am. Hay, just knowing the current date-*smack*

Your thoughts are interrupted when the wind smacks you in the face with a newspaper. After you take the newspaper off your face you notice that it looks recent so you read it and it says...

WHAT DO YOU SEE/DO?

Author's Note

*1 Rhododendrons, if you must know
*2 Outside of the usual differences in wing, horn, and limb-hole shapes that help changelings tell each other apart and one or two personality traits.
*3 Even though the debriefing said they were just "mere civilians who happened to win the super-artifact lottery". Then again, the changeling giving the presentation did claim to see a "flying bee-bear monster" a week ago so perhaps she wasn't the best sourse of Intel...

Greetings everypony/ling!

This is my very first story and it's comment-driven! You all can decide what you (the changeling, 815) does. I just gave him a few traits to make deciding actions a little easier.

I was inspired by The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story) by Down with Chrysalis and even served as editor for it for its first 2 seasons.

Now you're probably all wondering WHEN (during the show) does this fic take place? Well the thing is YOU all decide when it takes place by commenting what 815 reads in the newspaper!

Feel free to write your own headlines, article headings, and what the newspaper says about what events have happened and the best comments will go into the newspaper and determine what Season this story takes place in (3, 4, or 5. You did wake up in the Everfree so who knows how long you've been KO for). You can also put in funny little ads for the newspaper as well.

After that, you can comment more things for him to do in the forest.

HAVE FUN!

Chapter 4: There's No Need to Fear! A Cockroach is Here!... That Sounded Cooler in my Head.

you read that wrong

Kichi comment

Hearing the screams you decide that you need some backup. You're about to call in more of your buggy brethren when-

"Wait, Solo, right. Oh yeah, the Guards!"

You start to run back towards the castle when you remember that you knocked them all the buck out,

"D'oh!" you lament, "On second thought, if those guys can't even handle a lone changeling then they're probably useless against whatever gorram abomination is attacking those fill-"

Your muttering is interrupted by more screams snapping you out of it.

"No rest for the wicked..." you mutter as you dash across the rickety bridge (plan D worked so far didn't it?) towards the screams.

Even thought those fillies aren't your responsibility and your disguise and flight aren't working, you aren't going to let some poor innocent foals get devoured by the forest. As you run, you think of an idea,

If I save them, then perhaps they'll be so grateful that they'll generate love (hero worship, NOT that other ESCLA(*1)-type of "love" you sickos) that I can consume! I could regain enough strength to find my Hive!

With that idea in mind, you smile and declare,

"Don't worry little fillies! I'm coming!"

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"Do'h! AGAIN?!!!" you yell in annoyance as you again find yourself lost in the Everfree and try to think of your next move...

What do you do? Well you take a break of course! you can't save anyone when your low on energy. And that bend can of bean's looks more appetizing by the minute. Maybe peel it open with your Aquila Talon. But oh wait! those must be magical beans if the can survived this long, and you know what happens when you open a can of expired magical beans.

...

ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! There are FILLIES in danger! Now's not the time for a snack break!

As you discard that idea and think of your next move, a thought comes to you,

you read that wrong's comment

"Huh... now that I think about it, how the hay did I I know there were exactly three fillies or if they were even fillies for that matter and not colts as foals are high-pitc-*smack*"

Suddenly your hoof bitchslaps you.

"Ow. Why do I keep doing that-*smack smack*"

Your hoof bitchslaps you twice and you take it as a cue that some narrative force is telling you to STBU, stop wasting time with nitpicking, and just go with it.

"I really need to check if involuntary self-harm is normal for changelings..." (*2*) you mutter as you continue running through the forest.

Erised comment

You find yourself at another loss as you quickly dart your head around looking for the endangered children. You might be looking out for yourself first and foremost, but I mean come on now, there's a group of little fillies in danger! Even changelings aren't nearly evil enough to endanger children.

Well... maybe Queen Chrysalis. She's pretty evil, but the point is, you're not!

"Alright Specialist, time to earn that rank. I just have to use my Spidey-Sense to find where they are before they get eaten alive..." you say and begin to concentrate as hard as you can. And you... can... almost... feel where they are...

"Wait, I'm not a super-teen getting rebooted every 4 years! I don't have that power!" you realize as another terrified scream echoes out through the woods.

"Screw it..." you say as you decide to just run towards the screams.

you read that wrong comment

When you burst through some bushes, you're greeted by the sight of 3 fillies running around in fear as some kind of tiger-goat-snake thing tries (and fortunately fails) to grab them. Wait a second...

"Gorramit, it's a Chimera..." you groan as you really wished those guards were here: they'd make for an excellent distraction that would allow you grab the foals and run to safety while the Chimera tore them apart, but unfortunately you only had the assistance of your own body and honestly you were starting to think even that was against you.

As the Chimera gets closer to the terrified children, your mind goes into overdrive with its limited memory,

Alright, I earned the rank of "Specialist" for a reason. Let's see... What was I taught in this scenario... Oh yeah; Whenever a higher ranking changeling is cornered, the lesser peasants should draw the attention of the threats to themselves so the more important one can escape for the good of the Hive... Why does that sound like it doesn't have everyling's best interest at-

You're snapped out of your thoughts by another scream. You now see that all three of the fillies have been backed into a corner and the Chimera is closing in.

Those fillies probably don't hold any rank in my hive, but buck it.

"Hey ugly-er Uglies! (I can't believe I'm using that line...) Why don't you pick on someone your own- er, slightly closer to your own size?!"

At this announcement the Chimera (along with the three foals) looked at you. For a good ten seconds, nothing/one/ling/pony makes a move until-

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

All three heads of the Chimera burst out laughing, hard.

"You can't possibly be serious!" the tiger exclaims through laughs.

"Honestly changeling, do you think we're seriously going to bother to take your kind seriously?" the goat chimed in, calming down.

The snake head/tail finished laughing and opted to stay silent as she focused on the foals.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" you yell indignantly at the insult to your entire species.

The tiger turns it's attention back to the foals as the goat head speaks,

"What I'm saying is changelings taste horrible! It's literally like trying to eat a cockroach covered in mud with toxic slime filling! If the hard chitin doesn't already drive you away then the bitter green blood will. The last time we tried to devour one of you roaches, we ended up let the pest drag itself away as our sister vomited for 5 minutes straight."

"OK first off why does everyone I meet keep comparing me to a cockroach?!" you respond, "I mean sure, ponies consider us an annoying pest, but seriously we're nothing like that! We have fangs see!?" you say pointing to you somewhat sharp fangs "Cockroaches don't have fangs! I think-"

"Silence roach." the goat said as it too turned it's attention back to the fillies as all three heads ignore you.

"Now sisters on 3." the tiger head leads, "One!"

Yeah... you kinda suck at the whole "distraction" thin-

"Two!"

No time to think! Gotta crank the suicidal level up to 11!

you read that wrong comment

Browndog77 comment

"Thr-!"

"Yo, she-bitches!"

With that you throw your Bowler Hat like a Frisbee at the Chimera and it miraculously ricochets off all three of their heads... and then accidentally ricochets on all 3 of the fillies before landing near them.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow! Hey!"

"Sorry!- I mean, Let's go." you apologize before defiantly declaring at the Chimera as all 3 of its heads whirl around to focus their angry glares on you.

"You're really starting to get on our nerves roach... " the tiger head growls.

"I sssay we make an exssssample out of him. " the snake adds.

"Yes, this bug has proven to be quite the annoyance, let's just squash him for sport sisters." the goat head chimed in as the vicious monster's entire body now facing you. Even though you're gulping in fear, you decide to stir the pot a bit more to keep their attention on you,

"Yeah well... uh... Your mother was a hamster and your fathers smelt of elderberries!" you yell as you position yourself in front of a tree.

The Chimera lets out a triple-roar as it charges at you, but you jump out of the way and it slams into a tree.

Erised comment

As the Chimera shakes off that daze of that impact, you notice a tree precariously hanging over the chimera by just a few wimpy vines. Thinking quick, you focus your chi to force-pull your Bowler Hat back to you and throw it at the vines...

Unfortunately your aim still needs work as your hat instead whizzes over the chimera and only slices through one of the multiple vines holding the tree in place before ricocheting off the tree and hitting the orange pegasus filly again.

"Ow! Again?!"

"Do'h! Sorry!"

"You missed." the three heads smirk in unison.

"Wasn't aiming for you." you half-truth with a smirk as you point both your hooves at the tree above the Chimera and focus as much of your chi as you can as the Snake head/tail looks up in confusion

"Someling call Sapphire Shores... " you declare as you yank your hooves back causing the tree to be force-pulled loose and collapse with a thunderous crash, kicking up a cloud of dust.

"Cause I'm yelling Timber!"

"You-"

"Still-"

"Missed!" the chimera heads say as they each emerge from the giant cloud of dust unscathed.

"Oh... uh. RUN FOR IT!" you yell to the fillies as you grab your hat and dive out of the way of the Chimera as it lunges at you.

Stupid gorram luck! you mentally panic as you flee from the Chimera hot on your heels, I need some breathing room, stat- *ding*

Quick! 815, use "Aquila Talon" and Chain Punch!

"Aquila Talon!" you yell causing your left hoof bracelet to transform into a bracer. As the Chimera closes in with the tiger head in the lead, you whirl around with your left hoof causing the hookblade to deploy and hit the Tiger full-on in the eye causing her to stumble back with an enraged roar of pain.

"Sister!" the goat and snake heads exclaim.

"You will pay for that, roach!" the Tiger yells as her eye swells shut.

"Little low on cash at the moment!" you quip as you thrust your left hoof forward to eject the hookblade and then retract it to grapple onto one of the lower branches of a nearby tree. You then force pull your Bowler back to you and in one smooth movement you put the hat back on your head as you smirk at the Chimera before making the "Bring it" motion with a hoof, but mentally you're going,

Holy Cruel Chrysalis! I can't believe that actually bucking worked! Why didn't I ever try straight-up combat before?

With rage in all 6 (correction, 5) of their eyes, the Chimera charges at you with jaws open, but you leap over the beast as it's fangs embed itself into the tree. Unfortunately the snake head lashes out, grabs you in midair with her teeth, and throws you, roughly slamming you into the nearest tree with a crack.

As you try to reorient yourself (and think you broke a rib or two), you see that the Chimera is stuck to the tree via the Tiger's fangs but the Snake head grabs you and throws you into another tree, breaking another rib.

"Right... That's why", you mutter through gritted teeth as you struggle to look back up and see the Snake head is coming in for another strike.

Adrenaline kicking in, you quickly manage to duck your head down so the Snake's fangs harmlessly hit against your Bowler Hat, repulsing her. She comes in for another go, but you're ready for her this time as you use your hookblade to grab the snake head by her neck and use her momentum to slam her face-first into a sizable rock on the ground. Before the snake can reorient herself, you quickly use "Chain Punch" to dribble her head against the stone with a rapid barrage of continuous downward strikes. When you stop your assault, the snake head flops onto the ground unconscious.

Now with the Snake KO, the Tiger stuck, and the Goat helpless to do anything, you run over to the fillies and yell...

you read that wrong's comment

"Quick! Hop on my back if you want to live!"

The foals stare at you, eyes wide in disbelief.

"Well?! What the buck are you three waiting for?!"

"W-well it's just that you're a uh a c-changeling s-sir...." said the unicorn with the snow white coat.

You facehoof as the Chimera starts almost freeing itself.

"Can we please not do this now!" you yell.

"How the hay do we know we can trust You?" the yellow earth pony with the big red bow questioned.

"Did you not just see me take on a Chimera single-hoovedly to save you guys?!" you retort.

"You hit us with a bucking hat!" the orange Pegasus yelled.

"Look I was aiming for the Chimera, my aim needs work OK? I'm sorry! Now can you three please GET ON MY BUCKING BACK SO WE CAN ESCAPE BEFORE THAT BUCKING MONSTER RIPS MY LUNGS OUT, TEARS THEM APART, AND USES THEM TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH MY GALLBLADDER?!"

"That sounds like an excellent Idea..." came the voice of the goat creature as the tiger dislodges a fang from the tree.

"OK!" the three fillies all yelled at once as they scrambled onto your back. After making sure all three were holding on tight (the adrenaline helping you ignore your broken ribs), you thrust your left hoof forward, shooting out the hookblade so it grapples onto a nearby tree.

"HOLD ON!" you yell as you pull your hoof back to make the chain retract and pull all four of you away.

When the tiger head finally dislodges itself, the Chimera finds its prey nowhere in sight.

"Where did our supper go?" the tiger head demands.

"Gone." the goat head answers, "This wouldn't have happened if you just-"

"Don't you even start..."

HALF AN HOUR OF RUNNING, SWINGING, AND GRAPPLE-HOOKBLADING LATER

BrownDog77 comment

When you think you're far enough away from the Chimera, you stop and catch your breath,

“Well... that... takes... care... of... that..." you comment between deep breathes of air, "Now.... what... are... you... 3... fillies... doing... out-” you begin before being glomped by three adorable missiles as each little filly hugs you and squeal out their thanks.

“Thanks for saving our lives Mistah!” says southern one with the red hair.

“Yeah, if it weren’t for you that thing would’ve eaten us!” says the squeaky unicorn.

“You are so awesome, thank you, thank you, thank you!” says the purple haired pegasus.

“I… I… HRK!” you cry as you clutch your chest and collapse to the ground, their adorableness giving you a cute overload (and upsetting your broken ribs(*3*)), “OK, OK, you’re welcome… Just give me some room OK?” you tell them as you try to get your breathing under control.

As the fillies get off you, you slowly get back up, gritting your teeth at your broken ribs. You sense the love the fillies are directing towards you (in the form of platonic hero-worship) and think,

Huh, that'll work. before you consume the love in the air and focus that love to cause a gentle cleansing green flame to briefly cover your body. When the flame ends, your ribs are healed and you don't feel fatigued, but you're hungry again.

“That’s better, now who are you and why are you 3 out here in the Everfree this late at night?”

“I’m Applebloom,” says the earth pony.

“I’m Scootaloo,” says the pegasus.

“And I’m Sweetie Belle,” says the unicorn.

“And we’re the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS YAY!!!” they all shout at once, causing your ears to ring.

“Owww!”

“And we were out here looking to get our cutie marks in nocturnal archaeology until that thing attacked us.”

“Yes, thank you Mr. Changeling sir,” says Sweetie Belle.

“You're… not scared of me?”

“Well we were, but not now. You just saved our lives, why would we be scared of you?” asks Sweetie.

“Well I thought changelings were all wanted enemies of the state.” you say.

“They still are. Especially since you guys tried to invade Ponyville two weeks ago.” says Scootaloo, “Rainbow Dash loves clobbering you guys, I think she even dreams abo-”

"Wait, wait." you interrupt, "Number 1: Where is this 'Ponyville'?"

All three of the fillies point in the same direction and you follow their hooves to see that you're all at the edge of the Everfree forest near the outskirts of a town.

"Huh, horrowshow." you comment, "Number 2; What was that about a changeling invasion two weeks ago?"

"Weren't you a part of that invasion?" Scootaloo asks with confusion on her face.

"No, I was knocked out in this gorram forest since the failed wedding assault." you answer.

"In that case, it all started when we were trying to get our Cutie Marks as zoologists..."

ONE RECAP LATER

"...And now the changelings are all locked up in some castle that Twilight says is 'class-eee-fed'." Sweetie Belle finishes

“Huh..." you verbally exclaim as you take all this in while mentally muttering,

There goes the "rejoining the Hive" option...

"And yet you’re all are still not scared of me?” you ask cautiously.

“Hay no, after what you did for us, we're now gonna to help ya!” says Applebloom.

“Help me?” you comment in confusion.

“Yeah, we’ll be CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHANGELING REFORMERS YAY!!!” they shout once more making your ears bleed.

“ARGH! OK FINE! JUST STOP SCREAMING!!!” you shout as you grab your ears in pain.

“Sorry,” they all sheepishly respond before Apple Bloom asks,

“Anyway Mr. Changeling, what’s your-?”

“WHAT?!” you shout through the ringing.

“What’s… your… name,” she says slowly.

“I’m Specialist 815!” you declare right before your hearing returns.

“Well that doesn’t sound like a name,” says Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, that's more of a rank,” says Scootaloo.

“Hey it’s all I got, what do you want from me kid?” you snark.

“Well how about a name that sounds a little more name-ish?” says Apple Bloom.

"Yeah, so you can blend in better!" Scootaloo adds.

“Name-ish? Like what?” you ask.

"How about Hugh Jazz?" Scootaloo offers.

"I doubt it." you reply.

"Maya Buttreeks?" Scootaloo offers again with a hint of a mischievous smirk as Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle giggle.

"No." you reply more bluntly.

"Drew P. Wie-?"

"Nice try kid, but I've seen every episode of The Snafflesons." you interrupt.

"Darn it." Scootaloo says in disappointment.

“Well, what are some names that you like?” Sweetie Belle asks

You look up in thought and put a hoof to your chin as you think about a possible name and what you four are going to do from here...

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Author's Note

(*1) Equestrian Stallion-Colt Love Association.

(*2*) It isn't.

(*3*) Due to the adrenaline, you didn't notice the Snake broke two of your ribs when she slammed you into those trees until the rush wore off.

Current Loadout:

On your person:
-Saddlebags (size of a small closet on the inside)
-Bowler Hat with "Ace of Spades" card in hatband (reinforced, fireproof, waterproof, acidproof, magic resistant, and magically modified to stay on your head unless physically taken or knocked off)
-Metallic gold wristband on left arm with engravings of a lion and an eagle on it.

-Aquila Talon: Name and trigger phrase that causes the wristband to transform into a bracer with a deployable hidden hookblade (blade part is dull so you can't cut anything) that also can act as a grappling hook.

In Saddlebag:
-Old Bottle of Wine
-Large can of beans (dented)
-Box of Sweet Chariot sugarcubes
-52 Deck of Cards
-4 Thundercloud Orbs (Basically a hybrid of a flashbang and smoke grenade as it releases a brief blinding flash of lightning, a deafening crack of thunder, and a grey cloud)
-"The Dao of the River" book
-50 Bits (For the sake of storytelling, 1 Equestrian Bit is equal to $2 American dollars)

Abilities:
-Chain Punch
-Short range "Force Pull" that requires focus
-Can heal instantly, but requires burning through alot of either your food or love supplies (requires less love than food). The more severe the fatigue or injury, the more food you need to consume first.
-Can't fly.
-Disguise only lasts a few seconds at most.
-Knack for “Hide and Seek” and general stealth
-Being a big film and serial buff

Okay commenters, here are the finalists for 815's new name:

Hei Fuddrucker (Named after Hei from Darker than Black and Fuddruckers burger restaurants)

Ritz DeWitt (Named after Ritz Crackers and Booker DeWitt from Bioshock Infinite)

Ash Bruegger (Named after Ash Williams from Evil Dead and the Bruegger's bagel cafes)

You all get to cast 1 vote each to decide our buggy protagonist's new name!

Also, even though your disguise spell can't last more than a few seconds, it's still almost morning (in-universe time) and it's far too early in the story for 815's changeling cover to be blown in Ponyville, Capiche (Got it)?

Have fun voting!