Toilet Humour

by A1X

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 3228

Princess Luna has been the butt of her sister's practical jokes one too many times. I mean, come on. To fall for three pranks in one week? It's high time she got her own back...

After falling for yet another one of her sister's unrelenting pranks, Princess Luna decides that enough is enough. It's high time she got her own back, and with the help of the oldest gag in the book and the Canterlot Castle Bathrooms, she might just manage it.

Published 2015-11-22 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-22 18:20:02 UTC

Ah, the whoopee cushion...

“– and over here is the castle's main chamber. We use it for events, mostly. Of course, ponies can reserve it for parties and things if they want, but normally we just leave it bare – unless we use it for the Grand Galloping Gala, that is, in which case we bring somepony in to decorate...”

Princess Celestia's voice droned on through the thick, summer air. It pulled at Luna's ears like a comb through a tangled mane, and was just as irritating. The horrible discomfort of a room too hot didn't help much, either, and there was no sign of anypony stopping to open a window.

Stupid tours. How long had they been at it now? Luna squinted through the glass of the nearest window, trying to gauge the time of day by the brightness of the sun, and was rewarded with a painful flash of light that left spots before her eyes. She jerked her head aside and blinked, trying to rid herself of them, but it was no use.

Stupid, stupid tours. It was not as though Luna disliked visitors, she liked visitors as much as the next princess. But she did like to know them before they came visiting! It wasn't easy to smile and show hospitality to every other pony who came dancing up to her door. Celestia seemed to have a gift for it, but then perhaps after one thousand years of extra-practice, she held the advantage. Then again, the ponies who came to pay a visit to the castle couldn't really be described as ‘every other pony’. No, indeed. Only the best of the best, the crème de la crème of Equestrian nobility were allowed to turn up at the gate unannounced. Today's group was made up of several young mares, all draped in the latest oriental fashions, who ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ at every little thing Celestia drew their attention to. Apparently they were the daughters of one of the Saddle-Arabian delegates. Either way, Luna's mouth was getting sore from the indulgent half-smiles she was obliged to give them. This gaggle of giggling fillies was hardly her idea of Equestria's crème de la crème, although her ideas were somewhat dated, it had to be said. She sighed, and pulled the smile back onto her face.

“– and through here we have a nice little space to sit and take tea. Luna and I sometimes do, in the afternoons – Some tea, please!” Celestia said aside to nopony in particular, before lapsing back into her monologue. “It's a pretty little place, is it not? Why don't we all sit down and have some tea together, then?”

Luna did not need to be asked twice. She cast a grateful smile in the direction of her sister, and without a second thought slumped into her usual seat, a dark wooden one with a thin pillow. She didn't like sitting on soft things. A firm seat, or no seat at all. Standing may have been out of fashion these days, but Luna much preferred it.

Just then, however, given the heat of the place, she doubted that she could have stood on her hooves for a second longer without fainting.

It was as she fell back into her chair that she noticed it. Sticking out from underneath the thin cushion was a small flap of pink rubber. By the time she realised what it was, it was too late.

PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

For a second, there was silence. Then one of the mares began to giggle. Then they all did. Luna blushed crimson.

“Oh dear,” giggled Celestia innocently. “Is your stomach still playing up, sister? Poor thing...”

Luna blushed even darker as the realisation of what had just happened fully dawned on her. Her eyes threw burning daggers of deepest fury in the direction of her sister, who was now trying to hide a smirk by gazing upwards at the ceiling, apparently fascinated by it. It was with the greatest effort that Luna suppressed a snarl. Somehow, her mouth kept its pleasant smile.

“S-Sorry... I- yes. My stomach...” She cast another venomous look at Celestia, as the Saddle-Arabians' giggles increased in volume. A prank. Her sister had done it again. Luna would have shouted, raged. At the very least she would have given Celestia a piece of her mind, had she not been so embarrassed. She blushed even more, if it were possible.

“I think we'll take that tea, now,” said Celestia, eyes sparkling as she glanced over to Luna.

A servant entered through the door leading to the main chamber, a tray of tea levitating smartly in the air beside him.

“You Highness,” he said, bowing low, and using his magic to place the tray on the small table between them.

“Thank you.”

After what could have been hours, the giggling faded to a halt. As each of them sipped their tea, Luna stayed silent, allowing her sister to lead the conversation.

“So, I understand your father will be coming to Canterlot, then?” The latter began, ghost of a smile still stretched across her lips as she spoke.

Luna did not bother to pay attention to the answer. She turned her head firmly away from her sister and the mares and sipped her tea silently whilst staring into space. That was three times this week, now, that Celestia had fooled her, and with each prank, Luna had been humiliated in some way. For instance, at the dinner table the other day, just as the chef was serving the two of them, Luna had screamed upon finding an enormous spider floating in her soup. It had taken her ten minutes to calm down after assurances from her sister that it was only a piece of rubber, and a further ten minutes to rid herself of barely half the embarrassment Celestia had caused her. And only yesterday night, about an hour after Luna had raised the moon, an awful clanging noise had started up from somewhere down in the castle kitchens. Curious, she had gone to investigate, only to find that the clanging had shifted away from the kitchens and into the entrance hall. After unsuccessfully pursuing the mysterious crash! bang! clang! over three floors, she finally managed to corner it and had burst into the supposedly empty room in triumph, shouting “I'VE GOT YOU!”. Seconds later, and she was blushing to the very roots of her mane. She had stumbled straight into the guards' quarters during a game of cards, each one of them staring at her as though she was terminally insane. She, too, would have questioned her own sanity, had she not spotted Celestia creeping back to her bedchamber with an infuriatingly large smile and a severely dented biscuit tin floating through the air beside her, mere moments after the incident.

Luna gave a little splutter as she took far too large a gulp of tea, and slopped a little down her front. She coughed, and set down her cup, smiling unconvincingly as the eyes of the guests swivelled round to stare at her. Her lip quivered, but she again managed to hold the smile. The moment their eyes turned back to Celestia, now droning on about their old castle in the Everfree Forest, Luna let her face fall back to severity. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for her to have to sit through this, embarrassed as she was. It wasn't fair for her to be the relentless victim of Celestia's stupid pranks. She would have gotten her own back, of course, and had tried already. Following the spider incident, she had hidden a plastic beetle in one of Celestia's breakfast scones the very next morning, but either her sister didn't scare easily or the move had been too predictable, for there was no sign that the princess had encountered anything out of the ordinary.

“– not too difficult to get to, if you follow the right path. Princess Twilight frequently uses the library there, and such a wonderful collection of books you never did see, is that not so Luna?”

Luna looked up at the sound of her name. “Uh.”

“Wow! It sounds amazing, Princess Celestia!” one of the mares was saying. “We would love to go and see it sometime!”

“But of course! If you ever pass through Ponyville, I'm sure that Princess Twilight will be more than willing to take you there...”

It just wasn't fair. Why was Celestia so good at pranking her? Well, she wasn't about to stand for it. She would get her own back, as surely as her name was Luna. It was just a question of how...

And then it came to her. She felt the muscles of her face tug the corners of her mouth upwards, and she broke into her first real smile of the day.

Celestia pushed open the door to the Canterlot Castle Bathrooms and walked into one of the cubicles, yawning. A busy day. Very busy, what with all the visitors they'd been having. Today's guests had been easy enough to deal with so far. She congratulated herself for having given the Saddle-Arabians such an excellent tour, and also for playing another successful prank on her poor sister.

Celestia smiled guiltily as she clicked the door closed, sliding the bolt shut. Imagine, for somepony to fall for the old whoopee cushion gag... Poor Luna. She felt slightly ashamed for having taken advantage of her sister's naivety yet again, but she was forced to concede that it had been more than a little funny. It had taken all of her self control to keep from laughing as the sound of Luna's 'fart' had ripped through the air.

As she positioned herself over the toilet seat, she wondered how to prank Luna next. Perhaps she could sabotage the sugar bowl before afternoon tea the next day. It was a tempting thought, for Luna always loaded up her cup with sugar. Wouldn't she be surprised, after taking a sip, to taste the horrible flavour of salt water! Celestia giggled. Or perhaps she could try a classic, and lie in wait for Luna to enter her chambers, then leap out shrieking to scare the living daylights out of her. So many possibilities, and the perfect target to try them on. Celestia did not know why Luna was so easy to prank. What she did know was that to not take advantage of this would be tantamount to treason against the name of fun.

It was pleasantly cool in the bathroom, not stiflingly hot like the rest of the castle had been that day, and Celestia gave a contented sigh. She'd no doubt think of something else to get her sister with in due course. For today, she'd done enough.

Five minutes later, Celestia pulled the chain and made to open the door, wash her hooves and return to the guests, whom she had left with Luna.

Only the door did not open.

Celestia blinked, and wiggled the bolt. It did not budge. She frowned. “Strange...”

She gave a sigh and pointed her horn wearily at it. Stupid thing, she’d have tell the janitor to oil it in the morning. Her horn glowed its pale yellow.

And absolutely nothing happened. The bolt did not slide open. Celestia’s magic had been as every bit as unsuccessful as her hooves had been.

“What on earth is the matter with this thing?” she said aloud, thrusting herself against the door and trying to jostle the bolt open. “Open up! Open up, you silly–”

She grabbed it with her hooves and tugged as hard as she could, trying desperately to pull it open. When that failed, she resorted back to her magic, and yet whatever spell she tried, vanishing, unlocking, even disintegrating, nothing at all worked. The bolt simply refused to move from its position, keeping Celestia prisoner in her own cubicle. She could not understand it! How in Equestria could a little piece of metal resist her alicorn magic? There was no way! It just wasn’t possible! Something was wrong...

And then she heard it. A muffled snickering coming from somewhere on the other side of the toilet door.

“Who’s there?” demanded Celetsia.

A snort of unmistakable laughter met her words, followed by a giggle that sounded remarkably like...

“Luna!” Celestia hammered her hooves against the cubicle door. “Get me out of here at once! This door isn’t opening! My magic doesn’t work on it! What have you done?”

“Me, sister?” came Luna’s voice, cracking slightly from suppressed mirth. “Why, what could I possibly have done?”

“Luna!” growled Celestia. “If this is supposed to be a joke, I find no humour in it! Let me out of here immediately!”

“Oh, no, no, no...” chuckled Luna. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I’m not qualified to tinker around with these things, you see. Perhaps a locksmith would be more able. I could easily send for one, if you would like me to, sister...”

“Luna!” hissed Celestia, rattling the door with her hooves once again. “That’s enough! Reverse whatever spell you’ve put on this thing and let me out! LET ME OUT, LUNA!”

But Luna only giggled.

Celestia burned with fury. “Just wait. When I get out of here–”

“That could be a while,” mused Luna. “Now, where did I put it?”

Celestia gave a jolt as something pink and rubbery skidded into the cubicle through the gap between the door and the floor.

“Recognise this?” came Luna’s voice, icy cold.

Celestia stiffened. She recognized it. It was the whoopee cushion that she had tricked Luna with barely an hour ago.

“Luna,” she began. “I’m sorry for playing that prank on you, but you’ve got to let me out at once. I get it, I shouldn’t have embarrassed you in front of our guests like that. But this has gone on long enough! Stop this foolishness and open the door.”

“Oh, but we’ve hardly started yet!” said Luna mischievously. “Excuse me for just a while, sister, I’ll try to be back reasonably soon...” There was a creak as the bathroom door swung open. Then silence.

“Luna!” barked Celestia. “Luna, enough! Get back here this instant! Get back here and let me out! LUNA!”

The minutes trickled by with agonising slowness. Celestia sat grudgingly on the toilet cover and groaned. It really did look as though Luna was going to leave her here until somepony came looking. One minute. Two.

Ten minutes.

Twenty.

Well, no way was she going to let her get away with this. Not a chance. She would make her sister pay, there was no doubt about it. If Luna had thought for one moment that this period of solitary confinement would take away Celestia’s will to prank her, she was very much mistaken. Fuming silently, she vowed to get her own back.

Celestia’s angry thoughts were interrupted by the sound of approaching voices. She raised her head. The squeak of the bathroom door sounded again, accompanied by a flurry of hoofsteps.

“Do you think she’s still here?”

“Hello-oo! Princess?”

“She must be, we’ve checked everywhere else.”

“Sister!” Luna’s voice. “Sister, are you there?” Celestia made ready to snarl back, but stopped herself just in time. She recognised the other voices. The Saddle-Arabians. But why had Luna brought them here?

There was a gentle tapping at the cubicle door. “Hello? Princess? Are you there?”

Celestia was surprised to find herself blushing embarrassedly. “Yes! Yes, I’m just in here.”

Luna, curse her. She’d planned her vengeance well. Celestia gave a bitter sigh. Now she would be let out, only to explain to the daughters of Saddle-Arabia’s leading delegate why she had been sitting on the toilet for the last half-hour. The truth, quite plainly, wasn’t an option. She flushed even darker and gritted her teeth.

“So you are there, sister!” came Luna’s voice from behind the cubicle. “We were worried! What on earth have you been up to, sitting there for so long?”

“I... I...” Celestia clenched her jaw, inwardly cursing Luna. “Upset stomach...” she muttered.

“Oh, you poor thing!” said Luna, in a voice filled with sympathy and an infuriating trace of glee.

“Just... just give me a minute!” Celestia improvised. What now? What could she–?

Her mouth fell open in horror.

The whoopee cushion, the one that Luna had thrown into the cubicle earlier, was slowly inflating itself, the faint glow of Luna’s magic shimmering around it.

No. No.

Celestia’s stomach plummeted. But surely this was a joke. Luna had to be joking. She wouldn’t dare... She wouldn’t dare! Celestia gave the quietest of whimpers as the cushion rose slowly into the air, now at maximum capacity, its rubber end dangling loosely. There was nothing she could do but to watch in dread, in horrible anticipation, praying in her mind that Luna was only bluffing. Surely, surely, her sister wasn’t that cruel...

PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP!

Celestia’s face burned hotter than coals and she stared down at the ground in utter mortification, the torturous silence that followed only serving to maximise her humiliation.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! rasped the cushion a second time, sending squirms of deepest embarrassment through her body. She could almost feel her sister’s glee as her magic inflated the cushion a third time.

PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!!

She buried her face in her hooves, and desperately cast her mind for something to say, an excuse that would at least leave her with an iota of dignity. But nothing came to her. There was a slap as the cushion flopped to the ground, the magic surrounding it gone, and a sharp click as the bolt snapped open.

There they all were, Luna and the Saddle-Arabians, standing together outside the cubicle and looking dumbstruck. Celestia mustered as much dignity as she could, and tottered out, her head held high but her face redder than a can of crimson paint. She fixed Luna with as vicious a stare as she could manage just then, only, given the sheer indignity of the situation, it barely came across as threatening. Luna was shaking a little as she tried to contain her amusement, eyes streaming as she clamped down on her laughter.

Celestia faced her stunned guests, or rather, stared down at their hooves, and cleared her throat. “Well... um... thank you for your visit to our castle and... uh...”

They gaped gormlessly back at her. A few seconds passed in awkward silence. Then one of them cleared her throat.

“Y-Yes thank you, Princess Celestia, for... everything.” She gave an awkward smile, and Celestia blushed darker than ever. “It has been most... fun.”

“I’ll... we can just...” Celestia sighed in defeat. “Luna will show you the way out...”

Luna’s grin seemed to fill the entire room. “But of course! If you would all follow me. Aren’t you coming, sister?”

Celestia glared at her and said nothing.

Slowly, the guests lined up behind Luna and filed out of the bathroom without another word. Once the last of them had left and the door had swung shut, Celestia slumped over the nearest sink and let out a long groan. She began to thunk her head repeatedly against the basin, quite certain that she had been made an ass of to the degree that she could never recover. Despite it all, she couldn’t help but give a wry smile.

“Well played, Luna,” she muttered. “Well played...”