Science, Steam, and Beer

by mines5

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character
Length: 15624

Three humans who hate each other must work together to un-ponify themselves, chaos ensues.

Three new stallions show up in Ponyville. They all claim to be from a place called Earth, but they aren’t friends. Twilight must figure out how to keep them from killing each other, and somehow stay sane in the process.

This story is now complete, we hope you enjoy what was written and you can look forward to sequels for each of our respective characters in due time.

Published 2012-05-25 17:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-22 16:33:09 UTC

Chapter 1

A/N: this work is presented to you by Altoid, TotallyNotaBrony, and me.

Chapter 1

“Hey Twilight,” Valiant called as he peered out of the library window. “You know what usually shouldn't happen in a night sky?”

There was no reply, Twilight was probably ignoring him. So he talked louder.

“When the sky starts spinning around and balls of light fall is that a natural phenomenon here in Equestria, or what?”

There was the sound of hooves on the upstairs floor and a purple unicorn peered into the room. “What are you talking about?” she asked.

Valiant gestured to the window. “You’re the egghead. Take a look.”

Twilight walked over to where the orange earth pony stood. “That’s...strange,” she said, looking outside.

“So it isn’t normal that the sky has a hole in it?” Valiant noticed a strange vortex that loomed over the town hall. “It kind of reminds me of the the movie Independence Day.”

The mare gave him a blank look. Valiant was not a very good roommate. He slept late, rarely cleaned, and was always making references to things that only he seemed to understand.

“Sounds like another one of those democracy things that you love so much.” Twilight said flatly, still watching the sky.

Valiant hungered for a closer look. He opened the library door and stepped into the strong wind caused by the weird disturbance in the sky. His black mane was blown backwards.

“Do you think that is a good idea?” Twilight called after him.

“Do you think I’m someone who cares for good ideas?” he retorted.

Twilight watched him work his way towards the town center, fighting the wind. Against her better judgement, she decided to follow him. But before she left, she decided to take along a book about weather phenomenon.

By the time the two of them got there, a crowd of ponies had already gathered in front of the town hall and were watching the maelstrom grow.

“I don’t like this,” Twilight muttered to herself.

“What do you think would happen if I fired a projectile into it using Pinkie’s cannon?” Valiant asked, his full attention on the sky.

“Please don’t,” the unicorn begged.

Valiant ignored her and scoured the crowd of ponies and found the one he was looking for.

“Hey Pinkie!” he yelled.

The pink earth pony bounced up to him, seemingly unaffected by the wind.

“Yes Valiant?” She asked excitedly.

“Can you get your cannon for me?” He replied. “The one that I improved.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” She zipped off and soon returned with the cannon that Valiant had named Party Cannon Mark II.

“Have you tested this thing yet?” demanded Twilight.

Valiant shrugged. “Shoot first, ask questions later. It’s the American way.”

Twilight sighed. Valiant had been this way ever since she’d met him. Some ponies would even go so far as to say he had a few screws loose.

Valiant looked around for anything that could be used as ammunition and noticed the book Twilight had brought with her. He snatched it from her magical grasp and loaded it into cannon.

“Hey! Don’t-” Twilight protested but was cut short by a thunderous boom as her book was sent flying into the cloudy maw.

The other ponies momentarily turned their attention to Valiant as he looked expectantly at the clouds. Suddenly, another explosion echoed a response to the cannon blast.

Everypony turned their attention back to the sky just in time to see something fall out of the vortex and crash through the town hall roof. The clouds instantly started to clear but Valiant wasn’t interested in that. He hurried towards the rubble of the building.

Twilight watched him go, all the while hoping that whatever fell from the sky wouldn't hurt somepony. Or at least wouldn't hurt somepony other than Valiant.

The orange stallion pushed the debris aside and discovered Twilight’s book. He looked at it, momentarily depressed that the object he had seen falling was nothing more than the item he sent up in the first place. Then he noticed something move out of the corner of his eye.

A sunny yellow unicorn stallion with a multicolored mane was slowly crawling out of a crater in the floor. He looked surprisingly good for a non-pegasus who had just fallen from the sky.

The unicorn looked around blearily. “It seems the experiment was successful.”

Valiant stared open mouthed at the seemingly unharmed pony.

“Let’s try that again and see if we get the same results,” the unicorn said to himself.

“Whoa, dude, just take a step back and un-science yourself.” Valiant walked over to the other pony.

“Who dares tell me to un-science myself?!” demanded the unicorn. “I am a mad scientist, not some hack job wannabe.”

“I’m Valiant,” said the orange pony. “Mad scientist? I’m cool with that.”

“Well, now that I look around, this doesn’t appear to be the lab I started out in,” the unicorn said, seeming to notice that there was a damaged building around him. Taking a moment to think of a alias for himself, he decided the name of the project would do. You never know when there might be a CIA agent looking over your shoulder trying to steal your ideas.

“You can call me Nova.” he stated plainly. “I am very ‘unique’ scientist, as you can probably tell right now.”

Valiant glanced at the yellow pony’s cutie mark. “I suppose so. What’s that symbol stand for?”

Nova took a moment to look where Valiant pointed, noticing the picture on his posterior. “That, my good man, is the symbol for the Nova project, which probably has too much sciencey lingo for you to understand it fully.”

Valiant gritted his teeth. He didn’t like being insulted one bit, but was also aware that any pony who appeared suddenly and spouted nonsense was a special case. You might say that he had experience with that.

A sudden thought occurred to the earth pony. “Wait, what did you call me?”

Nova facehoofed. “Oh, you don’t know what a man is, do you?”

“No, I do,” insisted Valiant. “Why do you?”

“Well apparently you didn’t see the hole that I came through in the sky.” Nova shrugged. “It was kind of obvious along with the damage to the building we’re in.”

“So you’re from Earth?” asked Valiant.

“Yes, I’m quite sure I am, how would you know that, though?” asked the unicorn curiously.

Valiant grinned. “Come on. There’s someone I want you to meet. We can troll her together.”

Outside, Twilight spotted the orange pony leaving the damaged building with another stallion in tow.

“What happened?” asked the mare.

Valiant shrugged. “I have no idea, but this guy will explain it to you.”

“I’ll try and put it in easy terms for everybody, because the full explanation would make your head implode,” said the yellow pony. He took a deep breath. “That big portal in the sky you just saw was what we call a ‘wormhole’ I used it to get from my lab to this... place.”

“That’s the simple version?” said Rainbow Dash, who had just arrived. The multicolored pegasus gestured to the roof of the building. “There’s more damage here than when Derpy tried to help out! And you say worms caused it?”

“A ‘wormhole’ is not made by worms, it is a hole through space, and sometimes dimensions, and the reason I am unharmed is easier to show than it is to explain.” Pointing to Rainbow Dash, Nova said, “Hit me with your best shot.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said Twilight, looking at Rainbow.

“But he asked me to!” the pegasus pointed out.

“And when someone quotes Pat Benatar, you know they’re serious,” added Valiant.

“Just trust me, I’ll be fine, although can’t say as much for her.” Nova said.

With her mind made up, Rainbow Dash charged Nova. Nopony expected what happened next. Rainbow Dash was deflected backwards into a nearby house, slamming it with enough force that all the ponies gathered around heard the thud of her impact.

“I’m okay!” She stated afterwards and promptly fell on her face.

“Now you see what I meant.” Nova said waving a hoof in a dismissive manner.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. This was magic like she’d never seen before. Even more confusing, it didn’t seem to be coming from the yellow pony’s horn, but from a small device that was fastened to his front leg above the hoof.

“Bro, you are my best friend,” said Valiant, hanging a hoof around Nova’s neck. “I can just see us now, hanging out, making fun of Rainbow, and having adventures and stuff.”

Nova moved out of the other pony’s reach. “I think not.”

“But...but...” Valiant stuttered. “We’re both people on the inside! Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Wait, what?” said Twilight.

Nova nodded. “That’s right. I’m from another dimension.”

“There’s TWO of you?” shrieked the purple unicorn.

“I am not Valiant, I am Nova,” explained the yellow pony. “We are not as similar as we look.”

“I think she got that,” said Valiant, “I’ve just been telling her tales of Earth for a while now. She’s just a little shocked that someone finally came along and corroborated my story.”

“Well, now that we have all that in order, I must request resources,” said Nova. “I need them to resume my studies in science.”

“Good luck with that,” laughed Valiant. “It was hard enough trying to get things to build robots.”

Nova narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

“Just what I said,” explained Valiant. “Of course, the ponies don’t have a whole lot of sophisticated electronics so I had to make do with steam power.”

“That’s a sad excuse for robotic technology,” said Nova. “I could make far more efficient designs even with the antiquated items I have on hand.”

Valiant got in his face. “Oh yeah?”

“Yes, I could, all I need is materials,” said Nova confidently.

Twilight looked at the two of them, clearly seeing conflict building. She had no idea what the new pony was capable of, but saw the look in Valiant’s eyes that told her trouble was brewing.

A young filly suddenly ran up, breaking the mood. “There’s a pony drowning in the lake!”

“Be right back,” said Valiant. “Got to save the day.”

“I’ll come with you,” said Twilight worriedly.

“If the pony dies, can I have the corpse?” asked Nova.

Valiant rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, mad scientist.”

▲

▲ ▲

There was already a small crowd of ponies gathering at the edge of the lake when they arrived a few minutes later.

“Oh look,” Valiant huffed, staring at a dark blue pony floating unconscious on the water. “Everyone is too lazy to save him themselves. How did he get out there in the first place?”

“Stand aside and let a scientist handle this,” Nova stated, walking towards the water. Everypony’s eyes opened wide when he stepped on the surface of the lake as easily as if it were a solid surface.

“Oh my God,” muttered Valiant quietly. “I am going to kill him and steal his stuff. Assuming he isn’t really pony Jesus.”

“I heard that Valiant,” Nova yelled, picking up the unconscious pony in the lake and beginning his trek back to dry land. “And Jesus was nothing more than an exaggerated story.”

“You take that back, godless communist!” shouted Valiant, splashing out into the lake.

“I need no god, I am SCIENCE!” exclaimed the unicorn. “And I have just proven that Jesus is little more than a fraud.”

“You didn't prove anything other than the fact that I like you a lot less now!” roared Valiant, charging at Nova.

The yellow pony deftly stepped aside, and trod on Valiant’s head as the earth pony fell into deeper water. Twilight realized that the unconscious pony wouldn’t be helped anytime soon as the two of them fought, so she decided to save him herself.

The motionless blue pony lay on the beach where Nova had dropped him. His soaked red mane lay limply. Twilight discovered that he wasn’t breathing. Panicking, she quickly used her magic to turn him over and try to get the water out of his lungs. She tapped a hoof on his back, hoping it would help.

“Come down here and let me strangle you like a man!” shouted Valiant in the background.

“I’m good, fighting you would be a waste of resources.” replied Nova.

Twilight had managed to get water to dribble from stricken pony’s mouth, but he remained unresponsive. She had to get him breathing. Tipping his head back, she placed her mouth on his and blew air into his lungs.

The blue pony’s eyes snapped open and his all muscles went tense, including his wings. He coughed up the remaining water in his lungs as Twilight released him. His eyes grew wide as he looked at her face and then turned to see the two ponies fighting in the lake.

He turned back at Twilight. “The hell is this?”

“You’re welcome!” she said, smiling.

The pegasus just stared at her blankly. “Are you going to thank me?” she asked, slightly upset over his lack of gratitude.

“I have never been in a dream where I had CPR done to me by a horse thingy.” He muttered to himself, not paying attention to the purple unicorn.

Twilight’s smile disappeared completely at the mention of him being in a dream. Please Celestia, not another one! she prayed.

The sound of the two ponies fighting in the lake attracted the pegasus’ attention. “This is,” he paused to think of an appropriate word, “different, to say the least.”

Nova wandered over to the shore, nonchalantly fending off Valiant’s attacks.

“Is that a force field you’ve got?” asked the blue pony in wonder.

“Oh this?” said Nova. “It’s a KERF.”

“You mean a Kinetic Energy Reflective Field?” said the pegasus. “Don’t those need a lot of power? I remember reading about them in Popular Mechanics magazine.”

“Oh please,” said Nova. “Only under-developed minds read that rag.”

“So my dream is making fun of me now?” asked the insulted pony.

Valiant gasped for breath as he hauled himself out of the lake “Sucks, doesn’t it? It gets worse when you find out it’s not a dream, dude.”

“Yeah right,” the pegasus laughed, “and I am Luke Skywalker from Tatooine.”

Valiant grabbed the blue pony by the neck and dragged him towards where Nova stood smugly.

“Going to try attacking me again?” asked the yellow pony, sounding bored.

“Hey, what are you doing? I will not stand to be manhandled in my own-” The pegasus’ voice was cut off as Valiant bucked him towards Nova.

By a strange coincidence, it was at that moment that Nova’s KERF ran out of battery power. The two ponies collided and fell in a heap.

“I can’t believe that worked,” said Valiant happily.

“What just happened?” asked Twilight.

“No idea, but I bet it would make an awesome action movie,” said Valiant, shrugging. The two victims of the battle sat up and looked around, dazed.

“This is not good,” the pegasus started to panic. “One second I am walking down a road drinking my third energy drink of the day when my chest started hurting and I passed out! Am I dead? Is this Heaven or Hell? You kick me again and I will kill you!”

“You probably just had a caffeine-induced heart attack,” said Nova. “A minor problem compared to my own.”

“A minor problem? A minor problem! Does this look like a minor problem to you?” demanded the blue pony.

“Yes,” said Nova, plainly.

“Then I hope you have a heart attack too. Preferably one that causes you to scream in pain while I listen!” The pegasus crossed his hooves in front of him, an angry look on his face.

Valiant grinned at Twilight. “I like where this is going.”

“And you!” the pegasus continued, glaring at Valiant. “You kicked me! Nobody kicks me, or assaults my person without consequences!”

“The consequences have already happened,” Valiant told him. “You had a sudden realization. Aren’t you glad you know the awful truth of your situation? Oh, by the way, that’s a cute harp you’ve got on your flank.”

“A what on my what?” asked the pegasus, looking at his hip. “I always thought it would be interesting to get a tattoo, but not one on my ass! It looks like a Celtic Harp, maybe it isn’t all that bad.”

“It reminds me of the logo on a bottle of beer,” remarked Valiant. “From here on I am calling you Guiness!”

“What? No! Call me Highlander, Claymore, Dublin or something epic like that.” The pegasus sighed. “Fine, call me Guinness. Am I dead and in some childish afterlife?”

“Nah, man, just a different dimension,” said Valiant.

“I don’t believe this,” muttered Twilight.

“Another dimension?” The blue pony’s mood suddenly changed to curiosity. “Like string theory and all that?”

“String theory is a hypothesis formed by uneducated scientists who don't understand the true nature of the multiverse.” Nova put in arrogantly.

“Everypony settle down,” said Twilight. The arguing ponies showed no sign that they noticed her.

“I have firsthand experience with the freaking multiverse,” said Valiant.

“You don’t have hands,” pointed out Guinness.

“Screw you,” said the orange pony.

“I am starting to get annoyed with your primitive reactions,” warned Nova.

“Stop it, all of you” said Twilight, trying to break in.

“And what are you going to do about it now that your batteries are dead?” Valiant asked Nova.

“At least I have a functioning brain!” the yellow pony shot back.

“What did I do to get myself into this mess?” wondered Guinness. “Lord, please forgive me for whatever sin I committed to cause this to happen!”

“Stop praying to your nonexistent god,” Nova groaned.

“That is it,” Guinnes shot to his hooves. “I am going to kill you!”

“Quiet!” shouted Twilight, a burst of magic amplifying her voice. The three stallions stopped their bickering and stared at her.

“All of you have problems,” said Twilight. “Fighting isn’t going to solve them.” The other ponies attempted to argue that point, but she cut them off.

“Now it’s clear that something out of the ordinary is going on here,” said the purple mare. “I’m going to write a letter to Princess Celestia for advice. Maybe she can sort this out.”

Valiant rolled his eyes. “Twilight, just when I thought you couldn’t do anything more stupid... wait, that’s actually a pretty good idea.”

Chapter 2

A/N: Most of this was done by TNaB, Altoid popped in every so often over the weekend to help too. I had little involvement myself as I was on vacation for the weekend where I had much less internet than I'd liked :trixieshiftright:. I'm sorry it took so long for you to be able to read the next chapter, I didn't have the amount of internet access I'm used to for the past few days. Thanks for your patience and enjoy the second installment in the adventures of these three insane humans turned pony. :rainbowlaugh:

Chapter 2

Twilight was trying her hardest to maintain her composure. The three stallions-men?-who followed her back to Ponyville had been insulting each other nonstop. Occasionally, two of them would find some common ground and team up on the third, only to promptly go back to arguing. The constant stream of noise was fraying Twilight’s nerves, and she tried to ignore it as much as she could. Still, a few things leaked through.

“I don’t care about history,” Nova was saying.

“I love it,” retorted Guinness. “There’s so much to learn.”

“They say those who don’t read history are doomed to repeat it,” agreed Valiant. “Like this silly dictatorship of a country. One day, democracy will come to this land.”

“Dictatorships get things done without all the bureaucracy,” said Guinness, thoughtfully.

“And they don’t let human rights stand in the way of progress,” added Nova.

“I’m okay with progress,” said Valiant.

“But not at the cost of rights!” exclaimed Guinness.

“Sometimes sacrifices must be made,” Nova told him.

“Screw that,” said Valiant. “I want my cake and I want to eat it.”

Twilight was wondering how things could get worse, when Pinkie Pie jumped out of the bushes.

“Did somepony say cake?” she shouted. “Hey, who are these new ponies?”

Valiant facehoofed. “One party, hold the sanity, coming right up.”

“Where did she come from?” Guinness asked nopony in particular.

“If you had been more observant you would have noticed her jump out of the bushes, you twit,” Nova replied.

“Please don't tempt me,” the pegasus growled at him.

“Are these guys crazy ponies like Valiant?” Pinkie asked Twilight.

“I think they might be crazier.” The lavender unicorn shook her head sadly.

“Nobody out-crazies me!” roared Valiant.

“That’s a weird thing to be proud of,” said Pinkie, laughing. “Anyway, I need to talk to you for a minute, silly Valiant. You too, Twilight.” The pink pony pulled the two of them aside into a huddle. Nothing but vague whispers could be heard from within.

Nova and Guinness were left standing together. The blue pegasus noticed the yellow unicorn looking at him with interest.

“Dude, if you are going to continue staring at me like that people are going to suspect that you have a thing for me.” Guinness sighed. “I am flattered that you find me so intriguing but I don't swing that way.”

“Those wings certainly don’t look strong or large enough to support you in flight,” Nova noted, ignoring the pegasus’ statement.

Guinness had seen one or two other ponies with wings, and didn’t think his were out of proportion. Not that he would know, as he hadn’t been in his current body very long.

“Well, what the hell is that horn on your forehead for?” the pegasus demanded.

Nova crossed his eyes and looked at the mysterious protrusion. He must have quickly realized how silly he looked, because his gaze quickly snapped back to the blue pony in front of him.

“Further testing will be needed,” said Nova. It was his way of saying that he hadn’t a clue, and it usually worked to hide the fact that he didn’t know the answer to something.

“Oh look at me,” Guinness said in a mocking tone, impersonating Nova. “I am a scientist and I test everything. Let me pull a Geiger counter out of my ass and investigate the radioactivity of my horn. Hmnyaaa!”

“That is actually a good idea, however, I wouldn’t make the strange noise you made.” Nova gestured to the device strapped to his leg. “And I do not want to use the backup power for something so trivial right now. As you can see, I most certainly don't carry it inside my-”

“Shut up,” Guinness rubbed his forehead with his hoof. A migraine rapidly forming. “Please, just shut up.”

The yellow unicorn huffed angrily but held his tongue. Guinness turned his attention to the three ponies whispering nearby. He glared at them with distrust.

Nova noticed the paranoid look in the blue pony’s eyes. “You don’t like people talking clandestinely, do you?”

“Right,” Guinness replied, not taking his eyes off of the whispering ponies.

“Well I propose an experiment to help distract you from your paranoia,” said Nova. Guinness seemed interested, so he continued.

“I want to see if you can fly, and how,” explained Nova.

Guinness perked up. “Sure.”

He gave one more critical look at the other ponies then leaped into the air. He flapped his wings, struggling to gain altitude. Somehow, the required movements to get him airborne came instinctively.

“Interesting,” Nova muttered to himself as the pegasus pulled off a loop. “Maybe they have a gas bladder that helps lift them into the air like a blimp.”

“Dude,” Guinness yelled down to the yellow unicorn. “Now you make me sound less cool now! Gas bladder. Makes me feel like a bean addict! I am a natural at this! All you have is a horn, and that Valiant guy has nothing!”

“I can still kick your ass!” Valiant yelled, pulling out of the huddle with Pinkie and Twilight to shake his hoof angrily at the pegasus.

“If you can catch me!” Guinness laughed. “So are you guys done talking?”

“Yes we are,” Valiant replied. “And I can catch you. Easily.”

“Oh no,” said Twilight. “You are not going to be violent anymore” She glared at the other two stallions. “That goes for all of you.”

“We have the advantage of numbers over you,” said Nova. He began walking towards Twilight menacingly.

A subtle grin slid across Valiant’s face and he took a step away from Twilight as she glared at Nova. Valiant enjoyed antagonizing her, but also knew that she was one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria.

As Nova drew near, Twilight grabbed Valiant in the purple glow of her magic and tossed him towards the yellow unicorn. The earth pony’s surprised shout turned into a grunt of pain as they collided.

In the air, Guinness laughed. Twilight shot him a look and yanked the pegasus out of the sky, tossing him in the pile with the other two ponies.

“Son of a bitch!” Guinness screamed.

“Get the hell off me!” Valiant squirmed his way through the mix of limbs.

“Now I have to sanitize myself.” Nova groaned.

“Go inside the library until I send for you.” Twilight ordered, pointing to a nearby building carved from the inside of a tree.

“Valiant,” Pinkie cut in. “I need your help.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and let the orange pony go. She marched the other two inside.

“What other kinds of things should I include in the crazy pony party?” Pinkie asked Valiant as the two of them stood outside.

“Well, they aren’t crazy,” he said. “Actually, I have no idea about their mental health records, so they could actually be crazy. We’re probably not that lucky, though.”

“Okie dokie lokie, so what other kinds of things should I include in the weird-but-probably-not-crazy pony party?” asked Pinkie.

“Other than the usual decorations, food, music, and other guests?” Valiant smiled. “I have an idea. Do you remember when I was talking about fermentation and distillation?”

“Nope,” said Pinkie.

Valiant nodded, a smile starting to form on his face. “Good, then this will all be new to you.”

▲

▲ ▲

“Was that a still back at the library?” asked Guinness in a low voice. The three former humans were walking with Pinkie and Twilight. It was late in the day, and the sun had almost set.

“It appeared to be a still,” replied Nova. “Crude, but it could probably produce alcohol.”

“I’ve always been more of a drinker of beer rather than hard liquor,” said the pegasus.

“Beer,” scoffed Nova. “Such a low-class swill.”

“And you’re a wimp if you can’t handle the burn,” said Valiant over his shoulder. “I prefer tequila.”

“Oh please,” said Nova, rolling his eyes.

“Un-uh,” said Pinkie, pulling Valiant back from trying to strike the yellow unicorn. “You don’t have time to fight. We have a party to go to!”

“I don’t understand,” said Guinness, “if this is supposed to be a surprise party, how come you’re telling us about it?”

“Pinkie could send you an invitation for a specific time and place, and you’d still be surprised,” said Twilight. “It’s her special talent. That’s why her cutie mark is something related to parties, balloons.”

“That’s the thing all ponies have on their ass?” asked Guinness, flatly.

“In a manner of speaking,” said Twilight.

The pegasus glanced at his own hind end. “Mine’s a Celtic Harp. It’s kind of a historical thing i guess. I do like history.”

“Mine is the logo for the Nova Project,” said Nova.

“It looks like a strand of DNA,” said Valiant.

“It is,” said the unicorn. “I suppose it symbolizes my extensive talents in the field of science.”

“What about yours?” Guinness asked Valiant.

“It’s a hood ornament,” said the earth pony. “I’m good with mechanical things.”

Nova snickered. “That’s pathetic.”

Guinness seemed interested. “I like cars.”

Valiant glanced at the two of them. “I’m going to ask a question. Do you prefer the Chrysler Corporation, the Ford Motor Company, or General Motors? Be very careful how you answer.”

“I like them all because they are American,” Guinness replied.

“Toyota,” said Nova.

Valiant and Guinness both tackled him.

▲

▲ ▲

The three stallions arrived at the town square looking very disheveled. While he was being beaten, Nova had developed an instinctive use of magic from his horn and had landed some blows. Valiant had been on the receiving end of most of it. Guinness had managed to stay mostly out of reach by taking to the air, but he too was sporting a few bruises.

Twilight had put each of them in a bubble of her magic. Valiant had tried to use his like a hamster ball, knocking into the other two. Twilight was forced to restrict how they could move.

She didn’t understand the behavior of the three ponies. They all had something in common, so why did they dislike each other so much? It was going to drive her nuts trying to figure it out.

“What are we doing here?” complained Guinness. “I thought we were going to a party.”

“Oh, I think you’ll find...” said Pinkie. The doors and windows surrounding the town square suddenly burst open. Food was wheeled out onto the cobblestones. Ponies and confetti filled the square and loud music began playing.

“...the party has come to you!” finished the pink party pony. Guinness’ jaw dropped. Even Nova looked impressed.

“Be good,” Twilight commanded as she released the three of them from their bubbles. The stallions gave each other and Twilight dirty looks before disappearing in different directions.

Valiant headed to the refreshment table, ignoring most of the party guests in his way. Nova tried secluding himself but was unsuccessful in the crowd of curious and excited ponies. Three ponies in particular remained persistent even after he threatened to dissect them to find out how their anatomy functioned.

“So you are from the same place that Valiant says he is from?” the young white unicorn asked.

“Do you build robots like he does?” asked her friend, an orange pegasus.

“Why is your cutie mark a twisted ladder?” wondered the third, a yellow earth pony.

Nova huffed. “Yes; better ones than he does; and it is actually double helix.”

“What's a double helix?” Applebloom scratched her head in confusion.

“The base structure of a DNA strand,” Nova replied, all the while contemplating ways to escape the conversation.

“What is DNA?” Scootaloo asked.

“Deoxyribonucleic acid,” Nova said flatly.

“A dexy rib rub on clerics acid?” Sweetie Belle rolled the words in her mouth, trying to make sense of it.

“It’s the building blocks that develop the structure of all complex life through the replication and decoding of genetic information in the nuclei of cells.” The yellow pony looked at the three of them expectantly.

“What?” asked the three fillies in chorus.

Nova groaned. “It is the stuff in your body that determines what you look like.” The fillies still looked confused but he refused to explain in further detail.

Guinness was having a better time than his unicorn counterpart. He hummed Protectors of Earth as he devoured his plateful of food. He was about to refill his plate when a pegasus arriving late to the party caught his eye. She landed nearby and trotted past. Her rainbow tail almost touched him as she made her way towards the refreshments.

As Guinness stared at her open-mouthed, admiring her multicolored mane and tail, Valiant walked up next to him with two bottles of alcohol. He placed one in front of the dark blue pegasus, attracting his attention.

“What is this?” Guinness asked.

“Liquefied happiness,” Valiant joked. “And it tastes horrible. Made it myself.”

“Oh,” Guinness looked at the bottle hesitantly. “Thanks. You didn’t poison it, did you?”

Valiant shook his head. “It’s already bad enough. Most ponies won’t drink it.”

Guinness glanced around and saw several unopened bottles at the refreshments table. He shrugged and took a sip, cringing in disgust before drinking a little more. The multicolored pegasus walked past again and Guinness returned his attention to the unique mare.

Valiant noticed him watching her and he shook his head. “Man,” he said, squelching a laugh. “Please tell me you aren't thinking what I think you’re thinking about Rainbow Dash of all ponies.”

Guinness looked at him again. “What?”

“I know the look a guy gets when he’s interested in a girl.” Valiant smiled passively. “I don’t really care. I think it is incredibly... strange. But drink up and enjoy, I guess. I must warn you, though, Rainbow is a bitch.”

“Hey,” Guinness raised his hooves in an exaggerated shrug. “I am a pony now, I see nothing wrong with it. If I was still a human it would be different.”

Guinness chugged the last of his drink, coughed, then stood. “Thanks for the drink and wish me luck.”

“Well, I’m not into beastiality myself, but good luck.” Valiant shook his head as Guinness trotted away.

Nova walked over to where Valiant was sitting and they watched their ex-human companion talk with the rainbow mare.

Valiant laughed. “I don’t think he got very much when he was a human and now he is making up for it as a pony.”

Nova looked at the orange stallion, a puzzled expression on his face.

“I don’t think you got any,” Valiant continued.

Guinness meanwhile was trying his luck with Rainbow Dash.

“I’m new in town,” the dark blue pegasus was saying.

“I noticed,” she replied. “I hear that you are from the same place as Valiant.”

“Yep,” confirmed Guinness.

“So he isn't crazy like we thought he was?” Dash looked at Valiant who glared back hatefully.

“From what I have seen he is still a crazy bastard,” Guinness laughed.

“Are you crazy?” Dash asked with a smile.

“Depends on what you consider crazy,” he winked.

“Not much,” she laughed. “Valiant is flankhole crazy, but you seem to be a nicer type of crazy. Are you a good flyer?”

“I like to think that I am,” Guinness beamed.

“Well,” Dash said quietly. “Meet me tomorrow morning on the edge of the Everfree Forest and you can show me how good a flyer you are. Maybe I could even give you a few tips.”

“Sounds like a date,” Guinness winked.

“You wish.” Dash laughed, shaking her head.

As they continued to talk Valiant watched them intently. He turned to the pony beside him with a twisted smile on his face.

“Hey, Nova,” Valiant whispered. “Do you enjoy screwing with people like I do?”

Nova thought for a moment before replying. “Occasionally. Especially if I find said person distasteful.”

“Then we are going to have fun tomorrow morning.” Valiant’s grin grew and he returned his attention to the two pegasi. “We are going to have a lot of fun.”

Three fillies ran by. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Genetic Engineering!”

Valiant glanced curiously at Nova.

The unicorn shrugged. “You can’t stop progress.”

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

“Hooah!” Guinness shouted happily as he soared over the Everfree Forest the next morning. He expected to see more ponies out enjoying the nice weather, but he was one of the few in the area.

The dark blue pegasus banked into a spiral that carried him down to the edge of the trees. He spotted the multicolored mare that had invited him out there. He landed next to her, stumbled forward, and fell face first into the dirt.

“I thought you said you were a good flyer?” Rainbow Dash laughed.

“For a person who learned yesterday!” Guinness retorted with a soil-encrusted smile.

“Yesterday was your very first day?” Dash looked at him disbelievingly. “What, do you have a flying problem like Scootaloo?”

“Who?” asked Guinness. “No, I don’t really think I have a problem flying. It’s the landings I have trouble with.” He smiled again.

Disguised beneath a nearby pile of leaves, Valiant let out a gagging noise. “Jesus, doesn’t he have any shame? I’ve been in this pony-filled country for months and getting it on with the locals has never crossed my mind.”

Beside him, Nova shrugged, “I don’t believe ‘getting it on’ has crossed my mind anywhere.”

Valiant gave the unicorn a look. “You’ve just got problems on top of problems, don’t you? If you’re so smart, how come you didn’t invent a sexbot?”

“What makes you think that I need one?” asked Nova, annoyed.

The orange pony stared at him for a moment before turning away. “Whatever. Gelding.”

“I HAVE FUNCTIONING TESTICLES!” screamed Nova, bursting from his hiding place and beginning to pummel Valiant.

Startled, Rainbow and Guinness watched the two ponies brawl, both the fighters continuing to throw insults at each other.

“The hell?” Guinness muttered. “Want to head further over the forest and away from these... idiots?”

“You’re not getting away that easily,” shouted Valiant, managing to hold Nova at bay long enough to pull the Party Cannon Mark III from where it had been hidden in another pile of leaves. “You shall taste the fury of this weapon!”

A sudden angry roar stopped all four ponies in their tracks. A giant black beast with the body of a dog and a strange surplus of heads burst from the trees.

“Oh cool,” Guinness said excitedly as he and Rainbow Dash took off into the air. “It looks like Cerberus from Greek mythology! Hey, you guys on the ground, have fun with fluffy!”

Cerberus’ three heads watched as the pair of pegasi flew away, then turned their attention to the ponies on the ground.

“How much do you want to bet that I can hit the giant dog and the two pegasi at once?” Valiant asked the unicorn next to him.

“I don’t have any money,” Nova stated, still watching the massive beast.

“Too bad,” Valiant shrugged as he pulled the firing mechanism on the cannon.

A thunderous boom echoed through the countryside and a canister shot of apples was sent hurtling towards Cerberus and the pegasi. Dozens of pieces of fruit hit the faces of the dog and a few hurtled past him to impact on Guinness and Rainbow Dash's backs. As they plummeted to the ground while Valiant cheered triumphantly, Cerberus let out a pained roar and started to rampage around blindly.

“I believe self preservation is in order,” Nova stated flatly as Cerberus came closer.

“Okay,” Valiant smiled. “You run at it and make a distraction while I run away and get help and maybe some solid ammunition for the cannon.”

“I don’t believe that’s a good idea,” Nova said, turning towards Valiant, but the earth pony was already out of earshot. Nova looked back at Cerberus and decided to join Valiant in his retreat.

Guinness was regaining consciousness and he looked around the forest, dazed. Next to him Rainbow Dash was still out cold.

“Oh damnit,” Guinness groaned. “I am going to kill those two.”

He lifted Dash onto his back and headed towards the edge of the forest. When he stepped into the clearing, a yellow pegasus stopped him. From the party, Guinness vaguely remembered her name was Fluttershy.

“Oh my,” she said. “What happened?”

“Anti air artillery,” he replied matter-of-factly as he laid Dash onto the ground.

The yellow pony tilted her head in confusion as he galloped away. Cerberus was now following the scent of the two ponies that had blinded him and he was heading straight for Ponyville. Guinness saw the cannon and kicked it into a deep puddle of mud.

“In your face Valiant,” the pegasus grinned as he followed after the rampaging animal.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight was about to commit murder.

“You did what!” She screamed at Valiant and Nova.

“Hey,” Valliant defended himself. “Had cannon, will use.”

“Did use,” corrected Nova.

“Its not like shooting a three-headed dog in the eyes is going to be the end of the world.” Valiant said, shrugging.

Cerberus came rampaging through town, following the scent of the two ponies who had done him wrong. While it’s debatable that the creature could actually be called “them” instead of “him”, the authors of the story wish to convey just how much they disregarded grammar in the pursuit of a kick-ass story.

“Not the end of the world!” shrieked Twilight. “If Cerberus isn’t guarding Tartarus, the world very well could end! Who knows what could escape from that place!”

“Twilight,” Valiant said reassuringly. “I think everything will be fine. You worry too-”

Before he could finish one of Cerberus’ heads exploded through the door, clamped down on Valiant’s tail, and dragged him outside. Twilight and Nova stared at the wrecked library entrance, at a loss for words.

Meanwhile in Canterlot, Princess Celestia had nearly reached the bottom of the pile of mail cluttering her inbox. It was almost tea time, and she wanted to get everything taken care of before then. In the box, she discovered a message from Twilight that had been written the previous day.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Two new stallions have appeared in Ponyville. They appear to be from the same world as Valiant. I’m not sure how to deal with this unusual situation, and I request your advice on the matter. All they want to do is fight each other.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Celestia thought for a moment and picked up her quill.

Twilight,

Unless a severe disturbance has occurred, I doubt that you cannot handle the situation. You may, in fact, leave these “humans” to their own devices in order to learn more about them. I’m sure that things will sort themselves out.

Your mentor,

Princess Celestia

The royal pony sent the letter away in a puff of magic. She didn’t anticipate Twilight to reply so quickly. The new letter that suddenly appeared was scribbled hastily and appeared to be singed around the edges.

Princess,

Left to their own devices, these three ponies lured Cerberus away from the gates of Tartarus, temporarily blinded all three heads with a hurricane of apples, tried to “kill it with fire”, and somehow managed to quickly build a giant kennel to keep the dog from doing any more damage.

Actually, that’s not the truth. I’m not sure what to believe anymore. These three are driving me insane.

Please send help.

Your student,

Twilight

Celestia facehoofed. This was sure to ruin her tea time.

▲

▲ ▲

“Well, that was very interesting,” observed Nova.

“Speak for yourself,” muttered Valiant. “I think half my tail’s missing. I swear, if Rarity tries to ‘fix’ it, I’ll fix her.”

“Who’s Rarity?” asked Guinness.

“A fashion designer that lives in that house that looks like a carousel.” Valiant replied, “She’s kind of a bitch.”

“You say that about everypony,” Rainbow Dash pointed out as she turned to go.

“And you’re their Queen,” muttered Valiant as the multicolored pegasus flew away.

“Well anyway,” said Guinness, attempting to steer the conversation in a different direction. “Your tail is fine.”

“It doesn't feel fine.” Valiant swished his tail through the air to make sure everything worked.

“Where did Nova go?” Guinness asked, looking around the destruction.

“Over by Cerberus,” Valiant pointed towards the large dog that lay sleeping on the town outskirts. “He is studying it and doing science stuff.”

“Okay,” the pegasus shook his head. “I am just happy that yellow pony, Fluttershy, showed up when she did and calmed him down.”

“Yep,” Valiant nodded. “She tells me that he will be back to guarding the gates of hell shortly, two days at most. So how is your girlfriend feeling?”

“Oh she’s fine,” Guinness replied absentmindedly. “Just a little shaken- hey, she is not my girlfriend!”

“Yeah, you’re right. Rainbow’s a pony, so technically she’s your broodmare!” Valiant laughed.

Guinness glared at the earth pony, “I hate you.”

“You didn’t deny it!” Valiant looked both amused and sick. “You are actually planning on getting it on with a pony! Something is wrong with you.”

“Hey, I am a pony now too,” Guinness growled. “It’s not beastiality if you are one of them!”

Valiant shook his head, “Jesus, dig yourself in further, buddy. Just keep telling yourself that. But don’t expect me to babysit your kids.”

Guinness decided that the conversation was over and walked into the library. Valiant watched him go then decided to join Nova by Cerberus.

Inside the library Guinness found Twilight talking to herself by the window.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

Twilight turned towards him, a wide, twisted and crazed smile on her face. “I’m fine, perfectly fine.”

Guinness shrugged. “If you say so. Goodnight Twilight, see you tomorrow. Don’t kill me in my sleep please.”

He walked over to the pile of pillows that was his makeshift bed and fell asleep. Twilight turned her attention back to the window and continued having a conversation with herself.

Outside, Nova examined the blood sample he had collected from Cerberus under a small microscope. Valiant ambled up and looked over the yellow unicorn’s shoulder.

“Don’t try anything stupid.” Nova said, without looking away from the sample.

“What do you consider stupid?” Valiant shot back.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe waking this thing up,” said Nova. “Not to make it sound too dramatic, but I believe that we all would have died if Fluttershy had not come along. I simply must look into this “stare” you mentioned.”

“You don’t want to look into the stare,” Valiant said with a smile.

Nova turned and looked at the pony behind him, unamused.

The orange stallion shrugged. “Just saying. Anyway, I’m going to go to bed a little early tonight. Don’t stay up too late playing with fluffy.” He wandered into the library.

Nova felt like ignoring the earth pony out of spite, but knew that a good night’s rest was vital to keeping him more intelligent than anyone else. He, too, retired for the day.

▲

▲ ▲

The morning sun was pleasant, and it found the occupants of the library in good spirits. Even Twilight had managed to calm down and stop her incoherent mumbling for a while.

That, of course, was before they all found out about the monsters of Tartarus escaping.

“WORST POSSIBLE THING!” screamed Twilight, her voice trailing off into a faint giggle. Her eye twitched and an insane smile spread over her face. “Okay everypony, we need to build a giant mousetrap just outside the town. Once all the monsters get there, we’ll set it off.”

“What do we use for bait?” asked Valiant, playing along.

“I say we use Nova,” Guinness stated flatly.

“First of all, I don’t think a mousetrap would work,” the yellow unicorn protested. “Second of all, I don’t find it in the interests of self preservation to be used as bait. I could be killed.”

“That is exactly why I volunteered you.” A crooked smile played across the pegasus’ face.

“I could use the Party Cannon Mark III to hold them off until help arrives,” Valiant chimed in. “All I have to do I retrieve it from the spot where I left it last.”

“And dig it out of a deep pit of mud,” Guinness chuckled.

“Pit of mud?” Valiant asked.

“Uh-huh, a pit of mud.” The pegasus backed away in preparation for Valiant’s vengeance.

“Twilight,” Valiant said, turning to the purple mare. “I like your mousetrap idea, but we are using Guinness as bait instead.”

“I second that notion,” Nova put in.

“I’ll go get your cannon,” Guinness groaned. The blue pony left the library and headed towards where the cannon had been left. The citizens of Ponyville ran everywhichway, terrified of the approaching horde of escaped prisoners of Tartarus.

“Don’t mind me,” Guinness mumbled to himself as he passed a group of half scorpion, half pony monsters chasing several villagers. “I’m just a simple pony going to get a weapon to kill you all.”

He reached the mud and struggled to pull the cannon free but his attempts failed and It remained fixed in the mire. A scream caught his attention and he turned to witness two familiar mares being cornered by five pony skeletons. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy quivered with fear as the monsters creaked closer.

Guinness knew he had to get the cannon out of the mud but he flew over to help them in a flurry of speed crashing into all five of the skeletal ponies, which crumbled on impact.

“If there is one thing Skyrim has taught me,” Guinness exclaimed triumphantly. “Skeletons are very easy to destroy!”

As he turned his head in the direction of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, Guinness asked, “You alright?”

The only response he got was a rib-crushing hug from both of the ponies.

“You saved us!” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy cried simultaneously.

‘Why am I not this good with the ladies back when I was a human?’ Guinness thought to himself. ‘Eh, probably because none of them needed saving.’

He looked at the only showing part of the cannon, the tip of the barrel, and shrugged. “Screw the cannon, lets get back to town.”

▲

▲ ▲

Two hours later, Guinness found himself strapped to a giant mousetrap.

“I wonder if they will start a church of Guinness after my role as martyr?” the blue pegasus wondered aloud.

“There’s no need,” said Nova. “God doesn’t care, nor does he exist.”

“I will break free of this trap just to rip your tongue out of your face!” Guinness screamed.

“S’all right dude, I got this,” said Valiant. He smacked Nova hard in the face. “The power of Christ compels you!”

“I only feel a little better,” Guinness growled. “Seeing as I am still IN A TRAP AND ABOUT TO DIE!”

“Oh look,” Valiant exclaimed cheerfully. “Hellspawn! Keep screaming and attract more.”

The first wave of evil monsters began pouring into the area. Guinness’ eyes went wide as the twisted abominations wandered closer. He turned to see if his ex-human comrades were still around but found himself to be the only pony in the area.

“Well buck me,” he muttered to himself, using an expression Rainbow had taught him. “It has been a good run but now you are about to die in a world full of magical talking ponies and buck-ugly-demon-monsters. This should be in a book.”

▲

▲ ▲

Valiant and Nova were working on robots in the meantime.

”I’ve got beaucoup experience with this,” said the orange pony. “Stand aside.”

The unicorn stared at him. “First, since when do you speak French? Second, you have gained all that experience with shoddy designs. Third, we don’t have time to follow this so-called Princess Celestia’s orders.” The pony ruler had stopped by for a quick chat after the two stallions abandoned Guinness at the mousetrap.

Valiant shrugged. “She asked us to solve the problem of the whole demons-pouring-out-of-Hell thing. I’m just working with what I know best - hardware.”

The other pony glared at him. “Just to prove to you that there is no Hell, I’ll go along with this idea. I’m better at software and design.”

The earth pony stared at his colleague. “I’m listening.”

“You could have improved the designs some, and I have far superior knowledge in electronics.” the unicorn said as he pointed to a few places on the blueprints.

Valiant thought about that for a moment. “Okay...”

“Can I propose a temporary truce?” asked the unicorn. “We work together to build better equipment.”

“As long as we can go back to hurting each other afterwards,” said Valiant.

Nova nodded. “Deal.”

There was a distant SNAP from the giant mousetrap. Both ponies looked at each other and laughed.

“I didn’t expect that to work!” Valiant laughed. “Maybe we should push Twilight to the edge of insanity more often.”

Chapter 4

A/N:
Fun fact: Tartarus was a prison for the damned souls in Greek mythology. It held some of the worst villains of the time including Kronos.

Chapter 4

Several angry monsters were caught in the mousetrap.

“Huh,” muttered Guinness. “I can’t believe that worked.” Unfortunately, he was still stuck as bait, and more demonic creatures were beginning to swarm around.

“I always hoped I’d die pleasantly, like choking on a bacon double cheeseburger,” the pegasus sighed. A sudden flutter of wings made him look up. Rainbow Dash landed beside him.

“Hey Dashie!” Guinness cried in relief. “Could you-”

“Already on it!” The mare replied as she edged her way past the struggling monsters.

“Oh thank God!” sighed the trapped pony.

“Thank who?” Dash asked as she reached Guinness.

“Never mind,” Guinness chuckled as Rainbow Dash untied the ropes holding him to the trap. “I’ll convert you later. Right now I have two ponies to kill.”

▲

▲ ▲

“I still don’t know why we are building these robots for the benefit of a pony princess,” muttered Nova.

“She asked us to, and we decided that it would be to our benefit,” replied Valiant.

The unicorn looked up from his work. “What were her exact words?”

A faraway look came to Valiant’s eyes. “Just a minute, let me have a flashback.”

Celestia walked into the library. There was clearly something on her mind. Nova looked up from where he sat doing mad scientist things. On the couch, Valiant continued to sleep.

“We have a serious problem,” said the Princess. Valiant yawned and rolled over. Celestia yanked him off the couch with magic and held him over the floor.

“Not my tail again!” shrieked the earth pony.

“Shush,” the Princess hissed. “I am talking.”

“No pony commands me!” Valiant challenged, shaking his hoof defiantly.

The Princess shut his mouth with magic, and got down to business. “I have a task for the three of you. Well, I only see two at the moment, but that’s no matter. Since you caused the breakout from Tartarus, it’s up to you to fix the problem.”

“Sounds difficult,” noted Nova.

Celestia nodded. “If you don’t do this, all the citizens of Equestria could be killed.”

“What’s in it for me?” asked the yellow unicorn.

“What do you want?” Celestia asked.

“I want my batteries charged,” said Nova, indicating the device strapped to his foreleg. “I also want an easy way back to my own dimension.”

Valiant started to say something, but his words were muffled by the magic gag. It could have been I want your ass on a pike or perhaps I’ll punt a pass to Spike or even You don’t need gas on a bike.

Celestia wasn’t sure what he was trying to communicate, and didn’t care anyway. To Nova, she said, “I’ll give you what you want after you stop the monsters. They’ll probably overrun Ponyville by tomorrow if you don’t hurry.”

“Seems challenging,” commented the unicorn. It was the understatement of the year. Still, he would have to do it if he was going to get a shot at getting what he wanted.

“I want a hot fudge sundae,” said Twilight, giggling.

“Don’t we all.” Celestia smiled gently at the gibbering idiot her student had become. The Princess decided that leaving her in the care of two other-dimensionly stallions was slightly better than letting the unicorn fend for herself, so the royal pony took her leave.

“-and that’s how I saved Labor Day!” shouted Valiant. In a quieter voice, he said, “Sorry, I was getting used to being muzzled. The spell must have worn off after she left.”

“Any idea how we’re supposed to save Equestria?” Nova asked him.

“My normal approach will probably work pretty well,” replied the earth pony. “Robots.”

“How do you propose we build combat-worthy robots by tomorrow?” demanded the yellow pony.

The other stallion scratched his head, but then his face lit up with a smile. “Somebody go get Vinyl Scratch. We need her to play the most epic montage music history has ever seen.”

Valiant returned from his flashback. “And that’s how we ended up neck-deep in an all-night robot building session.”

“I don’t remember it that way,” Nova stated flatly.

We don’t have time for you to have a flashback too, so just take my word for it.” Valiant rolled his eyes and went back to looking at the blueprints.

There was a knock at the door, and Valiant grumbled angrily. “Who could that be? Don’t they see the do not disturb, doing science stuff sign on the door?”

“I’ll get it,” Nova said.

“No,” Valiant raised his hoof and stopped the unicorn. “I want to personally give whoever it is a piece of my mind.”

Valiant ambled over to the door and flung it open. Before he could say anything, two blue blurs swooped through the entrance. One slammed into him, knocking the orange stallion onto his back and pinning him to the floor. The other did the same to Nova.

“Yay,” Twilight giggled. “Bird ponies!”

“I am going to kill both of you!” Guinness screamed as he pinned Nova to the ground.

Valiant couldn’t see very much of his own assailant, but from the blue coat and multi-colored tail he knew it was Rainbow Dash.

“Oh look, it’s the stud and the broodmare!” Valiant laughed.

“Shut up Valiant,” Dash hissed.

Pinned beneath Guinness, Nova’s horn began to glow. The pegasus slapped him angrily. “Don’t try anything.”

“You can’t touch us,” Valiant informed him. “We’re on a mission from God.”

Nova rolled his eyes, but Guinness suddenly looked unsure of himself, and also unsure why Valiant was referencing The Blues Brothers. The pegasus stallion asked, “What are you talking about?”

“Well, maybe not your God, but hers.” The orange pony indicated Rainbow. “Princess Celestia.”

“What kind of mission could she have possibly given you?” demanded the mare.

“Just saving Equestria.” Valiant shrugged. “Something that was supposed to be your job.”

“My job?” Dash asked, confused.

“The job of the magical Elements of Harmony,” Valiant replied flatly. “I knew you were a dimwit, but sheesh.”

Rainbow buried him under a fury of flying hooves. Nova used the distraction to throw Guinness off him. The four ponies began a brawl inside the library that knocked books off shelves and threatened to break the windows. Torn paper filled the air.

Twilight sat nearby, munching popcorn and watching.

▲

▲ ▲

“So I get my own robot?” asked Guinness. Several of his feathers were missing.

“That’s right,” explained Valiant. He was only slightly bruised, because despite her tomboyish attitude, Rainbow hit like a girl.

“If we must,” agreed Nova.

“But you only get the bitch jobs,” Valiant amended. “We actually went to the trouble of doing the work building them.”

“I was tied to a giant mousetrap!” shouted Guinness.

“Regardless,” said Nova, “We will be handling the attack.”

“It’ll be a nice feel-good crusade,” agreed Valiant.

“The Crusades were not a good thing.” The blue pegasus shook his head. “Though the knowledge and art they brought with them back from East helped bring Europe out of the Dark Ages.”

“I think we can agree that killing people merely because they’re different is bad,” said Nova.

Valiant and Guinness looked surprised that the unicorn would show such morality, but shrugged and continued the conversation. The earth pony said, “So, invading Hell and killing demons is probably okay.”

“Hell isn’t real,” commented the unicorn.

“Shun the nonbeliever!” chorused the other two ponies.

▲

▲ ▲

It was quite a distance out to Tartarus. The robots didn’t have air-conditioning and the summer heat wore on the three ponies as they worked their way through the Everfree Forest. The thick underbrush and low hanging tree branches tripped up the machines. The most technologically inept pony, Guinness, soon got his robot stuck in a large bush. Like true friends, the other two left him behind as he struggled to get it free. Eventually he succeeded and rushed to catch up.

The pegasus found the other two other ex-humans in a clearing, staring in disbelief.

“I was not expecting Hell to look like that,” Valiant chuckled. “A massive gateway to fire and darkness but not... this.”

Guinness tilted his head in confusion as he stared at the small hotel built into the side of the cliff. The sign above the door read Tartarus.

“Lets get this over with,” groaned Guinness. “I have a date tonight.”

Valiant made a gagging sound as they proceed towards the door. Despite the small size of the building, their robots easily fit through the entrance. The inside of the hotel was even more confusing.

“Hellooo!” greeted a flamboyant-sounding pony with fire for hair who sat at the front desk. “Welcome to Tartarus! Will you be staying for eternity or just a one-thousand year sentence? Hmm?”

“Uh,” Valiant scrambled for something fitting to say. “What do you charge?”

“Just your soul,” said the proprietor of the hotel, his mane and tail burning cheerfully. “Although I might make a discount for you, cutie.”

“On fire and flaming,” muttered Guinness.

“Souls don’t exist,” declared Nova. “They’re just a flimsy explanation to give people false hope for eternal life.”

“Oh, you are so silly!” The burning pony laughed. He leaned forward and placed his hoof on Nova’s chest then pulled a ghostly apparition out of him. “Say hello to your soul!”

Nova stared open mouthed at the transparent image of himself.

“Well gentlemen, I think that beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can agree that shit has gotten uncomfortably real.” Valiant nodded. “Let’s respond violently and see how that works.”

“To victory!” Guinness cheered.

Nova snatched his soul back and the other two ponies lunged at the hellish teller. They flipped his desk over as the demonic pony escaped through a door. The walls suddenly fell away revealing the grim visage of a fiery and dark abyss.

“Holy shit, is this some kind of emergency failsafe from Hell?” asked Valiant.

“Of Hell,” corrected Guinness. “And anyway, why would Hell need a failsafe?”

“To keep the undesirables contained,” answered Nova, finally pulling out of his stunned silence.

“Or to keep ponies like us out, maybe?” Valiant shot back.

“Well,” Guinness shrugged. “Time to play some AC-DC in my head.”

“I hate that band,” Nova muttered.

The three stallions trooped forward, entering the blazing maw.

“I’m thinking a frontal assault,” said Valiant. “Kick ass, take names, be awesome.”

“Oh yes,” Guinness replied sarcastically. “If you want to join the dead forever.”

“Have you got a better idea?” demanded the orange pony.

Guinness pointed towards a side tunnel that split from the main passageway and grinned. Valiant rolled his eyes and motioned for the pegasus to explain.

The blue pony cleared his throat. “There are always stories in Greek and Roman mythology that the traps are built into the edges of the main halls in places like this. If we go through the side passages, we will bypass said traps and take whoever and whatever is waiting for us by surprise.”

“Where did you come up with that idea?” questioned Nova.

“I’m a reader of history,” explained Guinness. “I know about tactics that have been used successfully in the past.”

Valiant sighed. “I built the hardware, Nova did the software, and you’re freaking Indiana Jones.”

“That last movie was terrible,” Guinness stated absentmindedly. “Speaking of that, I’m actually from Indiana, though my family is from from Ireland.”

“Oh, you’re a Hoosier?” chuckled Valiant.

“Where are you from?” asked Guinness, hotly.

“Wisconsin, specifically Milwaukee,” shrugged the orange pony.

“Cheesehead,” laughed Guinness.

“I was born in France,” commented Nova.

The other two stallions looked at each other and cracked up laughing. Annoyed, Nova asked, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing yet,” giggled Valiant. “But you just set yourself up for a whole load of jokes, surrender monkey.”

“What does that have to do with a colony on Titan?” demanded Nova.

“Wait, what?” said Guinness.

“Yes, France is the name of the settlement on one of Saturn’s moons,” explained the scientist.

“But there are no human colonies in space,” Guinness said, confused.

The unicorn gave him a look. “I thought I’d already made it clear that I’m from the future.”

“Nope,” Guinness shook his head. “You never told me that.”

“That’s because you spend so much time living in the past,” Valiant told the pegasus.

“Can we please get this whole trek through Hell over with?” Nova interjected before an argument could break out.

“Agreed,” the other two ponies replied, but they continued to glare at each other.

The three of them stepped forwards and started to walk down the passageway when the floor suddenly gave out. They fell for several seconds before coming to an abrupt halt in a dark chamber.

“I thought you said there wouldn’t be any traps!” Valiant screamed as he checked to make sure his robot wasn’t damaged.

“I said there was a lower chance of there being any!” The pegasus shot back.

Nova poked a button on the device strapped to his leg. A recording of Guinness’s voice played back. If we go through the side passages, we will bypass said traps...

Before Guinness could make an excuse, a sinister voice cut through the stagnant air. “Welcome to my home, ponies of the living world.”

“Oh my God, is that Satan?” asked Valiant, somewhat blasphemously. The three stallions looked in horror at the creature before them.

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Back in Ponyville, Spike waited nervously in the hallway at the hospital. Twilight had been acting strangely, and he was worried about her.

The Doctor came out of the exam room, checking Twilight’s medical records. Spike got up from his seat quickly. “How is she, Doc? Did they slip her LSD or something?”

The pony frowned. “What’s that?”

Spike shrugged. “I have no idea, but I heard those three ponies talking about it.”

The pony shrugged. “I think your friend just needs some rest. She looks kind of strained.”

The dragon nodded. “Things have been kind of weird around here lately. Were there a lot of injuries to take care of from the demon invasion?”

“What do you think I am, a medical doctor?” the stallion asked. “Never mind, I don’t have time for this.” He walked away and disappeared into a blue rectangular box.

Spike entered the room. It troubled him that a pony with an hourglass cutie mark didn’t have time for something, but that was how crazy things had gotten since the gates of Tartarus had been thrown open. Twilight was sitting on the exam table, a vacant look in her eyes.

“Twilight, are you okay?” Spike asked.

The mare didn’t respond for a few seconds before her eyes blinked. Her irises focused again and she tilted her head in Spike’s direction. She just stared at him blankly for a few moments, and it creeped the dragon out. Still staring at him, Twilight open her mouth and spoke.

“Why is there a phone booth in the hospital?”

“I have no idea,” Spike replied, “Do you have any idea who that doctor was?”

“I feel like I’ve seen him before, but I can’t be sure where,” said Twilight, moving her stare around the room and talking to herself, “He feels so familiar, but why is that?”

“I dunno, but did he help you with your little episode?” asked Spike.

“I certainly feel more sane now, as to how though, I’ll never know.” Twilight shrugged.

▲

▲ ▲

Meanwhile, in Hell:

“Maybe we should have communion before we fight every single demon in this place,” suggested Valiant. “I’ll get the grape juice and crackers.”

“Grape juice?” demanded Guinness.

The earth pony rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re one of those wine snob Christians, aren’t you?”

“We don’t have time for this,” said Nova, pointing to the demonic being in front of them, “If you’d like to have this discussion, then have it another time. We have work to do.”

The other two ponies just stared at him for a few moments before looking back at said monster. The demon was not very terrifying when you first looked at him. He was just a black three dimensional silhouette of a pony. But the longer you stared, the more you felt cold, helpless and terrified.

“I want to go home now,” squeaked Guinness. “Maybe let Rainbow Dash hold me while I cry myself to sleep.”

Valiant wanted to make a smart comment about beastiality, but the growing horror in his chest prevented him.

“My name is Lightless Silhouette, Knower of All Fears and Bringer of Terror and Tears,” announced the demon.

“Nice title,” Valiant tried to say sarcastically but all that came out was a squeaky croak of words.

They could not see any mouth on the monster but the three ponies could tell that it smiled.

“I know your fears,” he stated. “What causes you to panic, and the things that keep you up at night as the shadow creep along your walls. I know all that hides in the dark places of your mind that you try so hard to push away and forget. I can also make you relive them.”

“This is...no, stop. This is all impossible,” Nova insisted.

“Is it?” asked the black pony. “Are you sure you don’t feel...that?”

The yellow unicorn jumped backwards as if physically injured. From the expression on his face the others could tell that a painful memory had formed in his mind. “No! Stop this right now, or I’ll get angry! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I always back up my rage with facts and documented resources.”

“What are you, the Credible Hulk?” demanded Guinness.

Valiant laughed, and suddenly all three stallions were free of the demon’s spell. The so-called Lightless Silhouette, Knower of All Fears and Bringer of Terror and Tears vanished.

“Damn,” muttered the earth pony. “I can’t believe something Pinkie said actually makes sense. ‘Giggle at the Ghosties’ indeed.”

“Why don’t we agree to never speak about this again?” suggested the pegasus.

“Fine with me,” said the unicorn.

“I might talk about it if I get drunk enough,” Valiant stated.

“You’d say anything when you’re drunk,” Guinness stated flatly.

“And you would say anything while sober,” Valiant retorted.

“Pardon me,” Nova said quietly, but the two other ponies didn’t notice.

“At least I am not an ass who ties people to giant mousetraps as bait!” Guinness screamed.

“I’m not the one who wants to get it on with a pony,” spat Valiant .

“Stop!” Nova yelled.

“What?” the two arguing ponies chorused.

Nova pointed to the horde of monsters and demons forming in before them. In the front stood the flaming-on-fire pony, an angry yet elegant expression on his face.

“What do we do now, historical tactics expert?” Valiant asked sarcastically.

“Lets fight fire with fire!” Guinness replied.

Valiant grinned and moved his robot forward. “Good thing I installed flamethrowers!”

The epic battle that commenced was about the most awesome thing the universe had ever seen. As this is a text-based medium, you - the reader - will have to image the visage of carnage that was eagerly and dutifully doled out by our triforce of displaced humans.

The magically, pyromaniacally, enabled battlebots cut a wide swath through the crowd of foul Tartarus denizens. Shrieks and shouts filled the air as bodies bounced off the walls and ceilings of the chamber. Flamethrowers were liberally applied, and napalm flowed like a flood.

“Shake ‘n bake!” screamed Valiant, fire-punching a demon in the face.

“Smokin’!” agreed Guinness, knocking over a crowd of monsters and dousing them with flame.

“This is a very pleasurable experience that I hope to repeat someday,” noted Nova. The other two stallions looked at him, shrugged, and resumed kicking ass.

As things began to wind down, the flaming, now really on fire pony fled, dodging piles of broken crispy limbs that had accumulated across the floor of the chamber.

“Was that really the whole Army of Hell?” asked Nova.

“No idea,” commented Guinness. “I kind of expected there to be more damned than that.”

“Goddammit,” muttered Valiant.

“What?”

The other stallions followed his gaze and noticed a massive winged beast with a bulbous head and tentacle beard slowly lumbering towards them from down the widest hall.

“Holy shit!” shouted Guinness. “Is that Cthulhu?”

“The Lovecraftian horror?” asked Nova.

Valiant shrugged. “I’m not convinced.”

“What kind of convincing do you need?” demanded Guinness. “Just look!”

“We don’t know what Cthulhu looks like,” countered the orange pony. “It could be his girlfriend for all we know.”

Nova nodded. “We shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

Guinness looked at the monster then piped up, “Cthulha?”

“That works, I guess,” said Valiant.

“Rather than debate identity and naming conventions, why don’t we focus on killing it,” suggested Nova.

The three ponies looked up at the horrible and horribly gigantic creature as it advanced on them. Nova glanced at Guinness. “Ideas, historical expert?”

The blue pegasus shrugged. “There’s nothing in the history books about this.”

Valiant thought for a moment. “Hmm, a giant creature versus robots...”

Guinness snapped his head around to look at the earth pony. “Did you build these things with Megazord functionality?”

“No, but that’s an awesome idea,” said Valiant. “Here, stand on my shoulders.”

After a few mishaps regarding the interpretation of the orange pony’s words, the three robots were stacked vertically in a teetering pile.

“This is unsafe!” shouted Guinness, leaning out the cockpit of his robot to look at the ground far below. “I could fall!”

“Suck it up, you’ve got wings!” Valiant shouted at him from the bottom.

Between the two, Nova was trying his best to hold the improvised conglomeration together, and not succeeding very well. The three robots swayed back and forth, barely avoiding the giant creature as it came closer.

“Guys,” Guinness said nervously as the monster loomed over them. “How is this going to increase our fighting skills and chances for survival?”

“Shut up and do something desperate right now!” Valiant snapped.

“Prepare to be consumed!” The monster growled.

“Yeah...no.” Guinness, from his position near the ceiling of the chamber reached up and started to tear down clumps of rock. “See you in Hell, bitch!”

Cthulha, or whatever its name was, looked up just as the roof of the tunnel came crashing down with a thunderous roar.

When the dust settled, the stallions pulled themselves from the rubble. The robots had been pulverized beneath the avalanche. Valiant grumbled something unpleasant about combat survivability. He looked up at a thin beam of light piercing the darkness, pointing a hoof at it with excitement.

“Freedom!” Guinness cheered.

“I would like to return to the surface now,” agreed Nova. The three of them began climbing the mound of rocks.

“Victory party incoming,” Valiant mumbled to himself. “Three, two one...”

Celestia appeared before them, a wide smile on her face.

“The hell?” Guinness shrieked as he and Nova jumped back, preparing for a fight.

“Congratulations you three in saving Equestria from a terrible evil,” the Princess spoke to the three tired and confused stallions. “We shall have a day of celebration in your honor at the Canterlot Gardens.”

“Will there be beer, tall-pony-lady?” Guinness asked. He had yet to meet Celestia and had no idea who she was.

“Guinness, this is Celestia.” Valiant took it upon himself to do the introductions. “She and her sister are both the supreme dictators of this little country. Celestia, this is Guinness. He was tied to a giant mousetrap when we spoke last time.”

Valiant thought for a moment. “And screw the beer. I want tequila.”

“Where did we end up?” asked Nova. The three of them climbed out on top the pile of rubble and through a hole that had formed in a wooden floor.

“It’s the Ponyville Library,” said Valiant.

The three stallions and the Princess noticed a purple mare staring at them with a look of horror on her face

“Hey Twilight,” Valiant exclaimed cheerfully. “We built you a basement!”

“It doubles as a portal to Hell,” added Guinness.

“I- I don’t-” Twilight stuttered.

“Come my student,” Celestia comforted the mentally unstable unicorn. “Do not worry about the damages done. They will fix it later.”

“What?” Valiant cried.

Celestia quickly continued, “It’s time to celebrate this victory over evil.”

Pinkie had never thrown a “Congratulations on Defeating Everything Tartarus Had to Offer Including Cthulhu’s Girlfriend” party before, but she did her best. Decorations were a bit of a problem, however. Celestia wisely decided not to subject the Royal Ballroom to the abuse of such an event, so it had to be held outdoors in Ponyville.

“I have no idea how to even decorate for something like this!” complained Rarity. “It’s such a large area, and I don’t know what colors would even complement a celebration of this kind. I mean, who has ever thrown a Tartarus-themed party before?”

“I believe I can help you,” announced a fabulous-looking pony who happened to be on fire.

▲

▲ ▲

“I regret this,” muttered Nova to himself. The unicorn found himself waking up with a pounding headache and in no place he recognized. After a moment, he determined that he was still at the party, however debris and unconscious ponies had littered the place as the celebration carried on overnight. It had, after all, been one hell of a party.

Valiant lay nearby, snoring and still fast asleep. Nova poked him and the earth pony slowly awoke. “What?” he demanded.

“We should go look for Guinness and determine if he has copulated with that mare yet,” Nova told him.

Valiant made a face, but nodded and said, “Or something.”

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Nova and Valiant looked down at the two sleeping pegasi.

“Did they or didn’t they?” wondered the unicorn.

“Doesn’t matter,” retorted the earth pony. “It’s disgusting.”

“I could do a bioscan quickly with my equipment and find out.” Nova fiddled with the gadget on his hoof.

Valiant shook his head. “I’d rather not know. But from what I can see so far, I would say that they did.”

The two stallions had woken up early the day after the party and gone looking for the third former human. As Ponyville was tiny, it didn’t take long to track Guinness to a hotel room. What they found inside had almost sent Valiant into a vomiting fit.

“You look like you need a cure for a vomiting fit,” said the flaming-on-fire pony from Tartarus.

“Like hell,” muttered Valiant. “What I need is to get Celestia to send me back home.”

Nova sighed. “I suppose going back to my time and space is more important than probing ponies.”

“Huh?” muttered Guinness, waking up at that moment. He looked around, taking in the the orange earth pony, yellow unicorn, and fabulously burning demon who stood at the door, as well as the multicolored mare beside him.

Guinness’ eyes focused on the visitors. “Why are you guys in here?”

“We’re taking back your virginity,” said Valiant. “Come over here. I’ll get a knife.”

“Good, a firsthand look at pony reproductive anatomy,” said Nova eagerly.

“Ah! A show!” exclaimed the Hellpony.

“Do we even know what this guy’s name is?” asked Guinness, partially curious but mostly stalling for time.

“I suppose I should introduce myself,” said the burning pony, bowing. “Please call me Sir Winifred Condemnation Inferno.”

Valiant shook his head. “Too long. From now on, you’re Sir Win.”

“How come you get to name everyone?” demanded Guinness.

Valiant shrugged. “I have a big ego, and getting my way makes it bigger. Plus, I’m good at it.”

“I find it very strange how your honesty varies depending on the situation,” observed Nova.

“Only when it benefits me,” said Valiant.

Rainbow Dash shot up and looked at the other ponies crowding around their hotel bed. “Why are you in here?! Get out! Get out!”

“Fine, fine we’ll leave. Come on Guinness, we need to go speak with the Princess,” Valiant huffed.

“But.. I... I want to stay...” Guinness looked pleadingly at Valiant who stared blandly at the two pegasi.

“I suppose he can stay if he wants,” commented Nova. “He’ll only be throwing away his only chance to return to his own dimension.”

“Oooh! Sacrificing so much for the two of them to be together!” swooned Sir Win.

“Well... okay.” Guinness nodded and looked at the mare beside him. “I want to stay here with you, Dashie.”

There was silence for a few seconds. Valiant turned to the Hellpony, “I’ll take that cure for vomiting now.”

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:

Twilight was twitching again. She’d made the right choice to leave the infernal party behind, but now the mare was beginning to worry about what might become of Ponyville while she was gone. Who knew what those three stallions would do?

She pushed those thoughts out of her head as Princess Celestia came into the room. There was an annoyed look on her regal face.

“Is something wrong, Princess?” asked Twilight.

“I’m afraid we’ve lost the means to send our guests back to their own world,” said Celestia. “When the gates of Tartarus opened, many things were lost in the confusion.”

Seeing her student’s impending breakdown, the Princess quickly added, “But they can be found again.”

“What are we looking for?” asked Twilight, calming down.

Celestia thought for a moment. “The first item is a shiny metal cylinder with the words “Red Bull” on the outside.”

Twilight tilted her head in confusion as Celestia continued.

“The second item was a deplorably ugly stone that was in the possession of a cross-eyed pegasus until she lost it. The third item is a machine with enough power to bend the entire universe and time.” The princess fell silent and looked anxiously at her student.

“Is that it?” Twilight started to panic again. “That’s all the information you can give me?”

“Sadly yes,” Celestia nodded. “Guinness, Valiant, and Nova might know more.”

Twilight suffered a twitching fit hard enough to shake her entire body.

▲

▲ ▲

“Now, don’t you feel better?” asked Sir Win.

“Not really,” groaned Valiant. “That stupid drink did keep me from throwing up, but I think it made me even more ill. Tell me what was in that. I want the truth.”

The burning pony grinned. “Your tummy can’t handle the truth.”

Valiant sighed. “Freaking Hell beverages.”

“I didn’t think it was too bad,” said Spike, shrugging. He glanced with concern at Sir Win standing near the library bookshelves, but his fiery mane and tail seemed to be ethereal. Also, how could such a fabulous guy even consider burning books?

Spike suddenly burped and a letter flew out of his mouth. “It’s from Twilight,” he said, opening it.

He stared open-mouthed at the paper for a good thirty seconds then handed it over to Valiant. The orange stallion took it and started to read.

Dear Valiant, Guinness, and Nova,

I hate you all

In a much different script, the letter continued.

This is Princess Celestia. I’ve left Twilight’s original salutation on the letter to show the situation she’s in. I have never said this to anypony before, but I think it would be best if you all left Equestria. As soon as possible.

Enclosed please find details concerning your departure. Unfortunately, it’s a rather do-it-yourself process. I hope you will complete it quickly.

In the envelope, there was a page explaining exactly what was needed. Valiant was not too concerned about the magical ugly rock that had acted as a conduit to transport him from Earth in a complicated scheme involving Derpy Hooves. Nor did the orange pony care what sort of machine could bend time and space. However, his eyebrows went up as he read that Guinness needed to locate a magical can of energy drink.

Valiant showed Nova the letter. The yellow unicorn looked angry. “I have a machine to bend time and space right here,” he said, brandishing the device strapped to his leg. “I just need a strong enough power source!”

The earth pony shrugged. “Good luck with that. Equestria doesn’t really know what electricity is. I’m going to go find featherbrains and tell him about the Red Bull. If he knows there is a way for him to go home, he might actually be inclined to leave.”

▲

▲ ▲

“Hell no! I ain’t leavin’!” Guinness’ reaction was exactly what Valiant and Nova had anticipated. The pegasus had been found sitting in his hotel room. Rainbow Dash apparently was busy with other activities.

The blue pony continued. “Why would I go back to that hellhole when my life is wonderful here?”

“I take offense to you using ‘hellhole’ as a negative description,” Sir Win snapped at the pegasus.

“Why are you here?” Guinness raised his hooves with a desperate expression that screamed ‘why’.

“Wait outside, Sir Win,” Valiant motioned for the flaming pony to leave. “This is a ex-human conversation.”

“Very well.” The burning pony trotted out of the room.

“Guinness,” Valiant said. “If you don’t find that can, then bad guys will find it, go to earth, enslave humankind, and destroy its history! Do you want that?”

“Well, I don’t like the place, but I guess nobody deserves that.” Guinness thought for a moment. “Wait, what kind of bad guys?”

It was Valiant’s turn to look exasperated. “Does it matter? Trust me, if you stay around Equestria long enough all kinds of nasty things show their faces.”

Guinness thought for a moment. “Can I make sure the can is safe but still stay here?”

Valiant shrugged. “I guess. Just how did an Austrian energy drink get you to this dimension, anyway?”

“All I remember was that I was drinking some when I was transported here.” The pegasus suddenly grinned. “I guess Red Bull really does give you wings.”

Valiant facehoofed. Nova looked confused. Rainbow Dash, who had arrived moments before said, “Wait, what?”

“It’s complicated, go wait outside,” ordered Valiant.

“No, it’s not really,” said Guinness. He turned to the mare, looking into her eyes. “I’ve never met someo--- somepony like you, Dashie. I’d really like to be with you forever.”

The multi-colored pony nodded slowly. “About that...”

▲

▲ ▲

Valiant smiled as the three stallions slowly walked to the train station to get a ride to Canterlot. Guinness grumbled to himself as he ambled next to the orange pony. Occasionally a sentence could be heard among the growling.

“God damn relationships...can’t find the perfect girl for me... gotta go find a stupid can... gerdermit I hate my life...”

“Told ya she was a bitch,” Valiant laughed.

“Shut up,” said Guinness. “She’s just afraid of commitment.”

“Once we see Celestia, we can finally get what we want,” said Nova, a note of excitement in his voice. “I’ll get my batteries charged.”

Guinness nodded. “I just need to go see the Princess so I can get started on my quest for the can.”

“She can pay me for services rendered,” said Valiant. “Building the robots.”

The blue pegasus looked at the others, a small smile coming to his lips. “We’re off to see the wizard...”

Valiant threatened him with a hoof. “You will not sing musical numbers all the way there.”

“Agreed,” added Nova.

The three of them spent the train ride in silence. At the Canterlot station, they were met by a few members of the Royal Guard. Guinness looked nervous being surrounded by armed stallions. Nova scoffed at their simple bladed weapons. Valiant focused on the leader of the soldiers.

“Hey Captain Shining Armor, how’s that marriage of yours going?” asked the orange pony.

“We have more important things to talk about,” said Shining tersely. “Come along, Princess Celestia wants to speak with you three.”

“It sounds as if your marriage isn’t very good at all,” observed Nova. “Tell me, why is that? I’d love to analyze psychological effects of relationship issues.”

“His marriage is a sham,” said Valiant. “The guy who did the honors wasn’t legally able.”

“That was you!” shouted the Captain.

“Everypony just calm down,” said Guinness. “Forgive and forget, right?”

“Did you just say ‘everypony’?” demanded Valiant.

“Do you have any idea what kind of hardship my wife and I have been through?” asked Shining.

“I thought she wasn’t technically your wife,” said Nova.

It probably would have turned into a brawl right there outside the station if it hadn’t been for a conveniently placed donut vendor on the corner. It was only the quick thinking of Joe, the owner of the shop, that saved Canterlot from a Tartarus-like rumble.

“I still hate you all,” mumbled Valiant through a mouthful of pastry a few minutes later.

“The feeling is mutual,” said Guinness.

Shining Armor swallowed a bite. “As soon as your business with the Princess is over, I’m dragging you to the courthouse to get my marriage license sorted out.”

Nova was too busy examining the donut in front of him to reply. He looked up as Joe approached the table.

“So who’s paying for all this?” asked the baker.

Shining Armor and his contingent of guards looked up to see three hastily abandoned seats at the other end of the table. Shining facehoofed.

“We still need to go to the castle,” reminded Valiant. He was running with the other two escapees.

“That’s the first place the guards will check!” admonished Guinness.

“I’m cool with Celestia,” the earth pony reassured him. “She’ll save us.”

“That’s a lot of faith to put in a magical dictator,” observed Nova.

Valiant thought about it. “But she owes us.”

With many of the guards out of the castle at the donut shop, it was not hard to walk in and get an audience with the Princess in the throne room.

“I don’t owe you anything,” said Celestia. “I thought that was what the letter I sent was for. Not to mention the party. Do you know how much fiendish property damage the government had to pay for?”

“Well, it was one Hell of a party,” said Guinness.

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve given you everything you need to get home. We’re grateful for your services in defeating the hoards of Tartarus, but you most certainly have compensated for that by displaying deplorable behavior. If you really want to make us thankful, then leave.”

“Actually, I’ve decided to stay in Equestria,” said Guinness. “I met a mare that I think I have a future with.”

A high-pitched scream came from behind a nearby curtain. Twilight jumped out, eyes burning with frustration and anger. She looked like she was about to do something rash.

Nova, who still had the donut he’d taken from the bakery, threw it at her. The pastry met the mare’s spell head-on and exploded, showering the whole room with creme filling, far more than the donut had actually contained.

Guinness sprang into the air, wings beating to keep him out of the sticky flood. Valiant grabbed a shield off the wall and barely managed to surf the wave of sugary goop out of the throne room. Nova was not so lucky and got slimed with creme, tumbling head over heels out the door.

The three stallions managed to get out of the castle in the resulting confusion. The train station was not far away, and they were soon back on their way to Ponyville. The rest of the train passengers dutifully ignored the pony that was coated horn to hoof in donut residue.

Rainbow Dash was waiting when the train pulled into the station. She looked like there was a lot on her mind. She walked up to Guinness. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I still want to take things slow, but I do want to be with you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Guinness put on a pair of shades. “Sorry babe, I’ve got to go save Earth. We’ll talk about it when I get back. But I will not forget you,” He kissed her and took off into the sky. The multicolored mare stared after him, a look of longing on her face.

The moment was interrupted by a string of cursing from Nova. The tidal wave of creme filling had ruined the high-tech device strapped to his leg. “How am I supposed to cross time and space now?”

“Perhaps I can help,” said a brown pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. He gestured to the large blue box behind him. “Need a lift?”

“Certainly,” said Nova, stepping inside as the other pony opened the door.

Valiant swore. “That bastard stole my sunglasses!” He ran off after the departing Guinness, not seeing the box and its two occupants vanish into thin air.

Meanwhile, in time and space:

“What an interesting vehicle,” said Nova.

“Yes it is,” said the other pony. “You can call me the Doctor, by the way.”

“Is this all yours? Do you know every detail?” asked the unicorn, looking around.

The brown pony laughed and tapped a hoof on the side of his head. “There’s quite a bit rattling around in my brain.”

“Ah, your brain,” said the mad scientist, stepping forward. “I’d like to take a closer look at it.”

A/N: to all that care to know, there will sequels for the Guiness, Nova, and Valiant. You only need be patient as it may take us some time to actually write them (I'll probably be the last). And this ends off this one, we all hoped you enjoyed this as much as we did, and we hope you'll read the sequels when they come out.

:heart: & :rainbowkiss:,

~Mines5