Through Feline Eyes

Chapters

My Warm Welcome
Needing a Hand
Mending
Reasoning
"Training"
J.K.A.T.T.O.S.
Could Have Gone Better
Cats and Mice
An Odd Encounter
Welcome to the Hall
A Simple Day
Skeir: A New Home
Uneasy Feeling
Service With a Smile
Two Strange Conversations
Air Viper
Skeir: Catching Up
Making Plans
The People I Hate
Walter
Slumming It
Game
Set
And...
Match
The Umbrella
Another Warm Welcome
Skeir: The Game Begins

My Warm Welcome

“Uhhhhhhh why does my stomach hurt?”

It didn’t make any sense. Usually when you wake up somewhere you don’t understand you have a headache. At least that’s how it is in movies. Instead it feels like someone is trying to rip me in half.

“Where am I?” Only one way to answer that question.

With great difficulty I opened my eyes and saw a long brown cylinder dangling in front of my face.
“SNAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-”

Apparently, jumping awake while hanging on a tree branch is a very bad way to start a morning. I have to say, it was quite the wake-up call to find myself ten feet in the air. Even more so when I found myself on the ground.

On my limbs, not my back.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh…huh? What just happened?” When you fall from a tree you’re supposed to end up hurt right? I was fine. No broken bones, no shattered spine, no-

“OW!”

A white paper bag landed directly on my head. Where it came from I’d never know.

“What the...McDonald’s?” Eeyup. McDonald’s was falling from the sky. I’d say that signifies the apocalypse better than any horseman. “Wait a minute…” It can’t be possible. Can it? Only one way to find out. Gingerly, I opened the bag and took a look inside.

“A Big Mac and fries.”

It all came flooding back. The pharmacy, the ointment, the umbrella. Some crazy bitch hit me over the head with an umbrella! And said she’d send me to Equestria! With a burger and fries! HOLY SHIT!

“Am I…” I took a frantic look at my surroundings. “Sure as hell aint Ponyville.” I don’t think Ponyville had a tree the size of a sequoia. Its branches were twisted and covered with vines and birds’ nests reaching up several hundred feet into the sky. A fierce wind was blowing, making all the dew covered leaves glint in the sunlight. It was breathtaking.

“If Fluttershy saw this…” While it was great for the spirit, a giant beautiful tree doesn’t really give good directions. “Guess I’m climbing.” When in doubt, get high. No not that way. I didn’t know that much about survival, but it’s generally a good idea to know where you are. I took a few steps toward the tree, rubbing my paws in anticipation. I’d climbed before, mostly rock walls at the gym. Still, how hard could it be? There were plenty of-

Stop.

Go back and take another look at that.

I took a few steps toward the tree, rubbing my paws in anticipation.

Rubbing my PAWS in anticipation.

PAWS.

I looked down at my hands. Sure enough, two fuzzy appendages with three short, stubby fingers and a thumb greeted me from where my four fingered, pink, and hairless human hands should be.

What. The. Fuck.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I backed up, furiously scrubbing my arms to get the strange mahogany fur off them. Seriously, I know it’s only been a minute, but how the hell did I not notice this sooner. Oh yeah, my feet changed too. I didn’t notice this either and ended up tripping over them. Good thing to. I felt the top of my head end up in open air while the rest of it smacked painfully on the ground. I scrambled back to my feet(?) with a groan and looked behind me.

“Whoa…” The crazy lady had decided to drop me off on a cliff. Looking straight down I could see a scraggly cliff extending for maybe a thousand yards. Vines and some small plants grew on outcroppings in the rock providing natural habitats for the many birds I saw flitting about. It all led down to one of the biggest lakes I’d ever seen. After that, a jungle stretched off into the distance. Various rivers, lakes, ruins, and what looked like a small town were visible in the distance. The whole thing was put to a backdrop of gorgeous blue sky and a brilliant sunrise.

“Alright. Let’s…let’s just think about this for a moment.” Now try to figure this out. I have…paws. With three fingers. Weird, but it wasn’t like I used my pinkies much. And I’m covered in fur. At least it’s the same shade as my hair. My feet…also paws. And missing the smallest toe. Like I said, wasn’t using them. Oh, and I’m naked. No matter, there’s a nice breeze today anyway.

I’m on a cliff, way above a lake. Lovely view though. Too many snakes for my liking. Wait…that snake was the same color as my…

With a sigh on my lips, I stretched a han…paw behind me and felt around. Sure enough, something long and round came into my grasp. I grudgingly pulled it up to my face. Long, brown, furry, give you one guess what it was. I gave it an experimental tug, then winced when I felt pain lance through my backside.

So I have a tail to. Great. And let me guess.

I touched the top of my head. Two triangular tufts of softness were sticking out of my skull.

Paws, claws, fur, a tail, triangle ears…oh my god.

“I’ve been furried!” No offense to furries, there’s nothing wrong with them, it’s just…waking up as one isn’t nearly as fun as you’d think it’d be. “Don’t freak out, it’s not that big a deal. Oh who am I kidding, it’s a huge freaking deal! I HAVE A TAIL!” I slapped myself in the face to halt the oncoming hysterics. If I was going to go crazy, I was going to do it safely away from three-thousand foot cliffs thank you very much. “Knock it off. You’re just dreaming obviously. Yeah, that bitch knocked you out with the umbrella and you’re in the back of an ambulance in a coma or something.” I completely ignored the question of how an umbrella could put someone in a coma as my stomach chose this moment to make its existence known. My gaze shifted to the white bag. “If I’m gonna be a cat, might as well be a cat with a full belly.”

I greedily dug my hands into the bag and pulled out exactly what was promised. One McDonald’s Big Mac and a medium fry.

“Could’ve at least sprung for a drink-OW!” A bottle of Sprite hit me right on the top of the head and bounced into the bag. I looked around, but no one was there. The bitch must still be watching me. Better not piss her off. “Thank you!” I called to the sky. The sky remained silent. I shrugged and dug in.

I have to say, it was kind of peaceful. Sitting there above the rest of the world, watching the sun rise with a Sprite in one paw and a burger in the other. Honestly, despite all the weirdness, it was one of the best mornings I’ve had in a while. Though there was this odd thrumming sound…hold on.

“Am I purring?” A paw to my throat answered that question. So I purr to. Well this just gets better and better. I went back to eating. Compared to my other problems, purring was actually pretty nice. It was like a massage in my throat. Very Calming.

When I was finished, I stashed the trash in a knothole on the tree. The bag said bio-degradable, let’s put it to the test. With the cleanup out of the way I could move on to the real issue.

How the hell was I supposed to get down? The only thing up here was this tree and I didn’t see any fruit on it. Behind that were more mountains. Really tall mountains. No food, no water, no escape. Unless…

I stole a glance at the cliff.

“This is gonna suck.” No way around it. Just get it over with. Without ceremony I approached the cliff. Praying to the powers that be it would work, I grabbed the edge with both paws and hung over the side. I was apparently much stronger as a cat than as a human. I’d never really been in shape before, but now I held my whole bodyweight like it was nothing.

It was a challenge to quell the instinctual twist of fear in my gut; after all, anything over fifty feet would kill a human. Anything over was just hang-time. By the looks of it, a fall would give me a great opportunity to contemplate the meaning of my life before it ends as a bloody stain in a lake. But, like every adult has told every kid since the dawn of time, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I took a deep breath and started climbing down.

Left, right, left, right, left, right…and on and on and on. It was slow going, painful on the paws, and extremely tiring. I averaged maybe a hundred yards every ten minutes. And the locals weren’t exactly friendly. Twice I had to hug the cliff for dear life because I’d gotten too close to some bird’s nest. I don’t know what species they were, but those little bastards have some sharp beaks.

“Would…you…FUCK OFF!” Especially this one. “I don’t want your eggs you stupid flying rat!” The little black bird chirped something that I’m sure was foul beyond anything I could imagine.

It darted in close and pecked me right on the head. I smacked at it with a free paw and managed to clip a wing. The little guy fell for maybe fifty feet before righting itself and flying back to its nest, chirping all the way.

“Yeah, well same to you pal! And your mother sucks cocks in hell!” I rubbed my sore spot before continuing the descent. I got the little bastard, but it still hurt. A lot! I couldn’t tell if I was bleeding or not because of the fur. I need a break.

I scanned the cliff face below me. Apparently lady luck took pity on me since there was a small outcropping a hundred feet or so down. With a silent thank you to the universe, I scrambled down to it. I took a moment to make sure it would hold before gleefully dropping down onto the rough surface.

“Ahhhhhhhh that’s better.” I let my feet dangle off the sides and took in the view. The sun was much higher in the sky at this point. I’d been climbing for a couple hours and still was only half way down! This new body of mine may be in a lot better shape (the old one would have fallen in the first five minutes) but that didn’t mean this was easy. A few times I’d run out of space and had to work my way back up and then down another route.

A sigh escaped my lips. I still had absolutely no idea what was going on. It’s obvious the umbrella lady was some kind of god or spirit, but what kind of deity just randomly sends people to another dimension. Discord might, but I don’t know why he’d appear as a girl. So then who-

“SKRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“What the…” I looked up.“Oh my god.”

The biggest bird you’ve ever seen was in a middle of a dive straight at my head.

“SHIT!” With reflexes I didn’t even know I had, I swung over the side and dove for a nearby spur of rock. Just in time to. The second I left my perch the bird’s great-sword sized talons sliced through the platform. The giant avian let out a mighty screech as a little black bird zipped in front of me with a happy chirp.

“YOU LITTLE FUCKER!”

The roc (I think that’s what it was) rounded for another pass as I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Then I dropped.

It smashed into the cliff above me as I fell a couple dozen feet and caught myself on one of the sturdy plants clinging to the rock face. Small stones fell on top of me from the impact of bird on wall. The roc shook its head in confusion. It glanced left and right. Stupid bird didn’t think to look down.

But black Tweety here wasn’t having none of that. It flew above my head and began chirping incessantly. The roc looked down.

“SKRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

SUFERIN SUCKATASH!

I did the only thing I could do. Jump and pray to whatever gods would listen. Jesus! Buddha! Spongebob! HELP ME! What? There wasn’t time to be picky.

“MOOOTHERRRRFUUUUUUUUUUUU-OUF!”

Turns out that rocs can fly faster than cat people falling at terminal velocity. Now, instead of being gored to death on a cliff, I was being carried presumably to a nest where I would be gored to death by a giant condor. Lovely.

The bird flew in a downward arc. Looks like he planned to kiss the surface of the lake. Probably wants to wash me off before he eats me. Wait…

I looked down. Still one hundred feet to the water. But a nice quick death is preferable to an also quick but bloody one.

“TAKE THIS YOU OVERGROWN CHICKEN!” Did I mention I have cat teeth? They really did a number on that roc’s leg. And you know what? He actually tasted like chicken.

Unfortunately he didn’t just drop me; he launched me high out over the lake. The jerk from my bite sent me an extra hundred feet in the air. I was going so fast I began to lose consciousness. The last thing I saw before impact was someone standing on the shore of the lake...

*peck…peck-peck*

“Uhhhhhhh…Mommy?” A little black bird looked me right in the eye and chirped. “You’re not mommy.” I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

*peck-peck-peck*

Or at least I tried to.

“Alright, alright, I’m up. Stupid bird. WAIT!” A very familiar bird stared at me quizzically. “YOU!” I was up in a second and after the little bastard. If you’ve ever seen a cat chase a bird, picture that only the cat is much taller and walks on two legs.

The bird flew up the side of a tree. I jumped after it and grabbed at its tail, missing by about an inch. Faster than I could blink, it pulled a U-turn and went soaring out over the lake.

“IF I EVEN SEE YOU AGAIN I’M GOING FUCKING SYLVESTER ON YOUR ASS!” The bird chirped what I’m sure was an insult and kept flying. I snorted and took a look at my surroundings.

Somehow I’d ended up on the lakeshore. Specifically the one opposite from the cliff I was on earlier. The lake came right up against a swath of fruit trees. I could hear various jungle sounds coming from all around me.

The lake itself was one of the clearest blues I’d ever seen. Come to think of it, all the colors here seemed to be far more vibrant than back home. Plus, it was all uniform. None of the usual splotches and discolorations appeared on anything. It was all exactly like the cartoon.

“At least those birds are gone. I wonder…” The water looked calm enough. And I really wanted to know the ratio my face had between cat and man. I walked tentatively to the water’s edge and, with a deep breath, took my first look at my new face.

It was covered in the same, short mahogany fur as the rest of my body, except the area under my chin, down the front of my neck, and my chest to just above my groin were pure white along with a small area around each eye. Two triangle ears with pink insides stuck up from the top. I flicked each one experimentally. I had full control to some extent. My eyes were huge. Seriously, compared to the size of my head they were almost at anime levels. They kept the same green as my human eyes except I now had slits instead of rounded pupils. My nose was a cat’s nose, just scaled to fit my face. My mouth seemed normal except it curved up slightly in the middle and a darker line ran up to meet my nose. Oh, and I had an outline. It was a slightly darker shade of brown than my fur. It didn’t seem to do anything so I ignored it.

I was tall. Around the same height I’d always been. Maybe a little taller. If I had to guess, I’d say 6’4”. I was whip thin to, with limbs slightly longer than average. Again, same as when I was human. Only this time, there was an undertone of lean muscle. For the first time since I was ten, I actually looked in shape! My tail swished back and forth behind me. Maybe it did that when I was happy. Were cats like dogs with their tales? Eh. I’ll figure it out later.

My stomach growled again. I couldn’t see the sun anymore, yet it was still light out. The sunrise was in front of me when I was on the cliff which put it to the west. The sun was behind the cliff which left my last meal a few hours ago. It sat like a rock in my gut (being fast food and all) but that didn’t mean it was enough to keep me going.

I looked back at the trees. Ripe mangoes were growing just out of reach. Do cat people eat fruit? Only one way to find out. I got a running start and jumped. My paw fell at least five feet short of the orange fruit before I fell back to earth. I tried a second, third, and forth time before giving up. Despite being a cat, there was just no way I could jump twenty feet in the air. Another growl came from my middle.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just hold your horses.” I was (emphasis on was) a middle class American teenager. I’d had no problems getting, food, water, and a place to sleep. Now I had a whole slew of them. I knew next to nothing about wilderness survival except to always boil your water and not to trust strange plants. I didn’t know how to survive in the jungle. The only reason I wasn’t a sobbing ball of pathetic was because I was still half convince it was all a coma dream.

“First things first.” I stared at the succulent fruit as if the intensity in my gaze could make it drop. Drop…

I looked at the tree, then to my feet, then back at the tree, then back to my feet. A small smile spread across my lips. Well if Applejack can do it…

I backed up to the water’s edge, intending to get as much build up time as possible. Then, yelling like a mad man, I sprinted at the tree, turning it into a flying leap with my right foot leading. I hit the trunk hard, then pushed back into a little flip landing with both feet down and caught a mango as it fell.

Oh yeah. Definitely more athletic.

“Just call me Mangojack.” I took a bite of the fruit. It was one of the best things I’d ever tasted. Fresh from the branch, right at the peak of ripeness, quite possibly the most-

*rustle*

“WHO’S THERE?” An enormous amount of movies, books, comics, video games, and…other things have taught me that strange rustling in strange places is bad 99.9% of the time. As such, I was scared shit-less. “Show yourself!” There was no answer. I stayed in a kung fu style battle posture for about five minutes. You can never be too careful with creepy jungle noises.

“Must have been a squirrel.” I decided to ignore it and eat more mangos. After seven of them I felt sleepy. The sun had finally set so it was pitch black. The noise of birds was replaced with the droning chirp of crickets. With a full belly and tired mind, I curled up under the tree and went to sleep.

Have I mentioned I’m kind of an idiot?

*THUNK*

“Mommy?”

I awoke to the sound of wood on wood. Before me was a pointy piece of ivory attached to a long stick. Holding the stick was a large cat man. As near as I could tell, the only differences between me and him were his golden fur, blue eyes, and the fact that he was far more muscular. Behind him were nine others (five male, four female) and a smaller male that must have been a kid. They were all wearing brown leather tunics and pants. Many had decorative (or maybe they were some sort of rank marking) beads strew about their heads/clothes/tails. All save the kid were holding spears.

No. Definitely not mommy.

“I don’t suppose you’re the official welcoming committee?”

Nine more spears leveled at my head.

“Yeah…I’m gonna take that as a no.”

Needing a Hand

“Move faster!” The butt of a spear was forcefully shoved into my back.

Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you the last THIRTY TIMES YOU TOLD ME!

I didn’t say that out loud of course. It’s very hard to talk when someone ties a strip of leather around your mouth. This also brought into question the wisdom of telling someone who’s FEET YOU BOUND to move faster. And yes, my hands were tied to.

Ladies and gentleman, we’ve exited SNAFU and are now coming up on the wonderful state of TARFUN. If you look all around you, you’ll see nearly a dozen angry cat people ready to shove a spear up my ass at the slightest provocation.
I missed the roc.

After they found me asleep under the tree, they tied me up and started a forced march off into the jungle. The kid had been sent on ahead, presumably to tell whatever village we were going to of my capture. I didn’t know what they had planned for me, but considering I was being treated like a POW it can’t be good.
My foot snagged on a root and I fell painfully to the ground. I was immediately beaten with spear shafts and told that if I fell again, I wouldn’t get back up. It wasn’t my fault. It was hard to move when you have a large stride but small rope.
The night vision helped, but it wasn’t like I had an NVD.

Still, angering the guys with weapons when you’re unarmed, naked, and tied up is never a good idea. That’s why so many adventure novels don’t make sense to me. I was pulled back to my feet and shoved forward to get me going. The only difference being the slight limp I now had and that the shoves to go faster came every minute now instead of every three.

Equestria’s a great place aint it?

I don’t know how long they walked me. I counted thirty-seven whacks so I assume just over half an hour. I was on my last legs as we crested that final hill and no matter where or what it was, I was glad to have finally reached our destination.
Torches lit up the night giving me a clear view of where I’d be…something. I had no idea what they planned to do with me. Given my treatment, I assume it was nothing good.

Before me stretched a small village. It had maybe twenty to thirty huts surrounding an open square with a large hall of some sort smack dab in the middle. They were wooden and round, done out in all browns and greens. The whole place had a very earthy feeling to it and was reminiscent of those jungle tribe villages in movies. It looked like the whole town was in attendance to watch the hunters return with their prize.

A much stronger shove came from behind sending me rolling down the hill head over tail. I crashed into a bush. Hard. I heard chuckling from the townsfolk and let out an unhappy moan. This day was getting seriously close to FUBAR.

Two hunters grabbed me by the shoulders and hauled me to my knees. They started dragging me towards the town center. The crowd parted for us.

I couldn’t tell any of them apart, at least not at first glance. Every single one of them was shorter than me and golden furred. They all wore the same brown tunics though some of the women were in skirts instead of pants. If I got close enough to see their eyes it was always blue. Every single one was decked out in an assortment of beads. Even the children whom I saw running in between the adults every now and again.

They hauled me into the town center, right in front of a large stone table. Standing on that was the village chief. I knew that because he had a headdress made from bones and accented with roc feathers (trust me; I know what those look like), a big wooden staff with some kind of fetish at the top, a large bow complete with full quiver, and an ornate ivory knife at his hip. All the hunters, hell most of the villagers, carried these knives (and a few swords), but his had a gilded handle. He was by far the oldest cat here. His fur was silver instead of gold, but he possessed the same piercing blue eyes. Tall and whip thin, he gave off an aura of quiet strength and authority as opposed to the more bulky populace. The chief remained silent, probably waiting for the whole town to show up so no one would miss the entertainment.

I was put on my feet and told very clearly not to move if I wanted all my organs to stay in the general vicinity of their proper places. Then the whispers began. With my new keen hearing I caught all the little questions they had about me. “Who is that?” Where did he come from?” “Do you think he’s Voltess?” “Nah. None of the Voltess are that tall. Relk?” “No. Same problem.” “Do you think his height is proportional?”

Wait what?

A little to my right in the front row, one of the women was giving me an…appreciative glance. Two rows back, a man noticed this and proceeded to give me one of the most forceful death-glares it has ever been my displeasure to come across.

*THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!*

The chief had decided talk time was over for now and was rhythmically thumping his staff against the table. The noise faded exactly like it does in a crowded high-school auditorium. Slowly and reluctantly. Finally, there was no noise left except the chirp of jungle insects and the faint, collective breathing of the cats. Then he spoke with a voice that was that mixture of high and scratchy that only old men can pull off.

“What is this?”

“The boy found him under a mango tree growing on the shores of Sky’s Rest,” the lead hunter said. It was then I noticed the kid from earlier standing to the left of the alter looking very pleased with himself. Never before had I felt the urge to strangle so powerfully.

“He kicked a tree to get the fruit down instead of climbing.” Lo and behold! I hath invented the mental facepaw! “He said his name was Mango Jack.”

WHAT! Oh no! Nonononono! That is not my name!

As expected, the crowd broke out into scattered laughter. Meanwhile, I was busy practicing my heat vision on the kid. His head remained intact, though he did wince a bit when he noticed my gaze. I still considered that a victory.

“What tribe is he from?”

“We don’t know. He doesn’t have any markings. In fact, he was naked when we found him.”

“Yes, I was going to ask about that.” More snickers. You know, I didn’t feel self-conscious at all until he brought the naked thing up. What was even the point? My fur covered everything up.

“You have done well Bo,” he said to the kid. The boy beamed at the praise. “He shall make a fine gift.” Gift? What the hell do they mean gift? “Put him in the cage with the outcast. We shall tend to him tomorrow.” That’s it? They aren’t even going to take off the ropes?

The crowd dispersed, all of them heading for their respective houses except for ten. These ventured into a large building near the hall along with the hunters. When they returned, the ten had acquired spears while the hunters were lacking. The chief hobbled on his staff into the hall and shut the door tight.

Meanwhile, I was dragged to a rough cage on the opposite side of the plaza and thrown in. It was simple wood and a dirt floor. There was a pile of rags in one corner and no noticeable bedding. Or toilet.

“Nice place isn’t it?” said the pile of rags.

Wait…that’s a person!

A cat so old his fur had turned grey pulled himself up and looked at me. His eyes were the same clear blue as the rest, but far more tired. His entire body was crisscrossed with old scars. He spoke with a voice as rough as sandpaper.

“My name is Ren-Thel.” He walked over. He smelled like his own waste. There isn’t a toilet in this cage…

He reached behind me and I felt my bonds fall. I ripped the gag off my mouth and got to work on my feet. They came easily once I had my claws out. If there was one thing I liked about today, it was retractable claws.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, Jack.”

“That’s not my name.” One eyebrow shot up.

“I’m not going to call you Mango.”

“No, that’s not what I meant!” He rolled his eyes.

“Alright then, what is your name?”

“I’m…” A question. I was in a strange land around strange…cat things. They’d never seen me before. They had no knowledge of my home or its customs. I could literally call myself anything I wanted. Why go with my boring old human name? An idea formed in my head. A private joke I could snicker at every time someone talked to me. Sure it wasn’t the most pleasant sounding name, but this was a dream! What did it matter?

Yes, I still had myself convinced it was a dream. I was close to a mental breakdown, cut me some slack.

“Khajiit. My name is Khajiit.” The stare I got was totally blank.

“I like Jack better.”

“What…No! You can’t just do that!”

“I think I can Jack. I think I can.” Who knew cat people had troll faces?

“…Fine. Whatever. I’m sure my new owners will just rename me anyway.”

“New owners?”

“Well yeah. They said I was a gift. Aren’t they selling me into slavery or something?” He looked at me like I was an idiot. Which I probably was.

“A gift to the Gods.” Gift to the…

Giant stone table.

Ornamental knife.

Creepy old dude with a giant headdress.

“What’s going to happen to me tomorrow?” Ren leaned in close. His eyes spoke of a sorrow that only comes from seeing something horrible happen over and over and never being able to do anything about it.

“Tomorrow at sunrise they will lay you across that table, cut open your innards, read them to determine the will of the gods, then turn your body into soup.”

…Huh.

I was at the bars in a second.

“Hey man, you got to let me out. I didn’t do anything to deserve this!” The single guard they left behind stared at me impassively. He’d probably heard the same shtick a thousand times.

“You are an outsider. You were on our land without permission and ate from our trees. That’s as good a reason as any.” He then preceded to hit me with the butt of his spear to keep me from ‘defiling the bars.’ He then resumed his slow walk around the cage. The same pitiful shuffle that millions of young people do when they come into contact with their age old nemesis: work.

“The spear right away. He really doesn’t like you. Usually people get to two or three complaints before he strikes.” I rubbed my already sore head and channeled the slowly building rage into a glare that could crack solid rock. Though not solid wood. Still waiting on that heat vision.

“Considering how this day’s been going, I’m not surprised.”

“Sounds like there’s a tale there,” the old tom said with a smile.

“Not much to tell really…” Actually true. It only took ten minutes to go through everything. I spent most of my time here either unconscious or climbing. Two things that don’t provide a lot in the conversation department. There were a few good bits though.

“You survived the roc?” He was in appropriate awe. Even the douchebag guard now looked at me with some measure of respect. Oh, and the reason they focused on that was because I left out everything related to humans. Just went with the old amnesia root. To them the only thing I remember is my name. Khajiit, not Jack.

“We did hear screeching by Sky’s Rest. It’s what drew Bo in the first place.”

“Ah those young kits and their curiosity.” Ren let out a small chuckle. I barely noticed. I was far too busy being wrapped up in fantasies about the roc eating Chala. Little bastard. “Still, very impressive. The only other cat known for going toe to toe with that beast is Trisk the Elder.” Elder? As in the old wretch with the hat? He must have seen that in my face since he let out another laugh. “He was much younger at the time.”

“Yeah, sure.” I leaned my head against the bars. I don’t know why, but fatigue overtook me then. I’d spent a good portion of today asleep yet I still felt like I’d run a marathon. I guess I had in a way.

“Get some sleep Jack.”

“Khajiit.”

“Whatever. I hope you have one last night of pleasant dreams.” Right. Tomorrow I get to see what my insides look like. Fun. Waiting around worrying didn’t help anything. Plus, my bones felt like lead. Things always look better in the morning, right?

Wrong.

“Wake up, but don’t open your eyes.”

Yeah, I had actually gone to sleep. Seems strange since I was just told some people were going to eat me, but I was still half sure it was a dream. Weird way to be woken up though, even in a dream.

“You are going to do exactly what I tell you, when I tell you. Do it right and we might get out of here alive,” Ren whispered.

“Not like I’m in a position to argue,” I whispered back.

“When I tell you to, open your eyes, scream, and strike me. Make it look hard enough to knock me out, but don’t actually do it. Then talk to the guard.”

“Why?”

“So he’ll focus on you not me.” I sense a clichéd escape attempt in the works. Oh well, not like I have anything better to do. We both waited in what I’m sure was an awkward position for a few minutes. Then: “Now!”

My eyes snapped open to see the old grey cat leering over me with what might be the most disturbing expression I’d ever seen. I would have hit him plan or no plan.

“GAH!”

I smacked him hard as I could across the jaw. I kept the hit shallow so that any damage would be superficial. He played his part beautifully, flying to my right and doing a little roll, coming to a stop at the cage bars.

Correction, the cage door bars.

Clever old bastard.

Cruel laughter came from right behind me. Ren had timed the whole thing so there was as much distance between him and the guard as possible. I pulled myself to my feet, casting a hateful look at that delightfully brilliant cat.

Time for that acting class to pay off.

“Crazy old pervert! You come near me again and I’ll rip it off! Understand?” He didn’t move. I really hoped I didn’t actually knock him out. The hit was shallow, but he was old. “How long has he been in here?”

“About five months,” the guard cheerfully replied. FIVE MONTHS! How the hell is he still alive? “He left before I was born. Don’t know why he left. Only Elder Trisk is old enough to remember.”

“Poor guy. Sounds like a horrible dry spell.” The guard nodded his agreement. I quickly put together a plan. If there was one thing high school taught me, it’s that people love to brag about their sex lives. I just need to get him talking (god help me) and give Ren the time to do…whatever it is he’s going to do. “Come to think of it, I could use some refreshment myself.”

“Oh,” he said mockingly.

“Actually there was this one woman in the crowd,” his smile shifted downward, “she was giving me this look.”

“Oh,” he said with a voice full of spite.

“You think you can help me out?” I said jokingly. Any hint of cheerfulness had disappeared. In fact, he looked like he wanted to stab me. Repeatedly.

“No.”

What’s his problem? Wait…there was that one cat behind the whore…oh this should be fun.

“Oh come on. I’m dying anyway and she looked like she wanted it.” His left eye twitched.

“Ralza would not be interested in the likes of you.”

“Looked pretty interested to me.” I heard a soft scraping sound from behind me. The guard didn’t seem to notice.

“She may…coerce the looks of other men, but…”

“Coerce? She was practically screaming for me to take her right there. If I wasn’t tied up I might have.”

“Like she would stoop to your level!”

“Yeah, she looked far more likely to lift her tail to my level.” That joke was brought to you courtesy of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

“You know nothing!” Oh he’s got it bad. I almost feel sorry for the poor guy.

“I know you have a crush on the town whore. Really though, who can blame you. Those curves…”

“Shut up!”

“Is that really the best you can come up with? Shut up. Exactly when did we become five year olds?”

“I’m warning you! I’ll…”

“You’ll what? Sic your nympho girlfriend on me?”

“You are one word from feeling my spear!”

“At least that’d be one person ‘feeling your spear!’”

That last one may have been a bit too much. He slammed the butt throw the bars and gave me a shot to the stomach. He followed with a crack to the head that sent me sprawling back into through the door onto the hard ground of the plaza.

“What the-”

*THUNK*

Ren appeared behind the poor guard and swiftly bashed his head with a rock. He fell to the ground unconscious, but the old prisoner didn’t stop. He continued the beating until the man’s skull cracked, ending all thoughts of his pretty dream girl.
I watched the whole thing with wide eyes. It didn’t even take a minute. I just sat there and saw someone get murdered in cold blood.

Is it really that easy?

“You killed him,” I whispered.

“Yes.” He stood over the corpse of the cat I had insulted not thirty seconds before. Then he looked at me. “Get over here.” I didn’t move. Just stayed there staring. “Come here.” Still staring. “Now!”

I hauled myself to my feet, still with a disbelieving stare turned to the corpse. I shuffled around the cage awkwardly, not wanting to get near the dead man. I hadn’t seen a corpse since…never mind. It’s not important.

I don’t know how, but right there I knew this was real.

Then I was standing there. Me and an old killer, standing over the body of a man who had just been worrying about who the girl next door was sleeping with. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry.

Ren reached down and started pulling off his clothes.

“What are you doing?”

“You can’t keep walking around naked.”

What…OH HELL NO! Stealing from the dead, while perfectly acceptable in video games, is a big taboo in real life. And those cloths were touching a dead thing! I didn’t want to wear them!

“I’m not doing this.”

“Yes you are!” He rounded on me, his voice as loud as possible while still being a whisper. How quickly he snapped showed me just how much shit we were in. “You don’t seem to understand what’s going on here. These people were going to kill you. They ritualistically seek out the defenseless to sacrifice to their cruel gods. They are cannibals for crying out loud! I don’t know how they did things where ever you came from, but here we do what is necessary to survive. This isn’t Equestria. We do not extend the hand of friendship to our enemies; we extend the blade of our knife!”

So I am in Equestria. Or at least around it. Jesus, the show never covered this.

He finished looting his kill and passed the shirt and pants to me. It came with a belt that had a sheath for his knife on it.

“I will not tolerate another refusal. We are in the middle of enemy territory. If you want to live you will do what I say, when I say it. Understand?” I nodded. “Good. Now put on those clothes.”

I complied. They were surprisingly comfortable, if a little short. I don’t know why, but I removed the beads. Whatever they were significant of, it wasn’t mind. He’d already had his life stolen; I didn’t need to take his identity. God, I never even learned the guy’s name.

While I did that, Ren dragged the body in the cage and covered it with a sprinkling of dirt.

“That should buy us some time. We have maybe ten minutes before a guard shifts through here. That’s ten minutes to get as far away from this hellhole as possible. You ready?” I nodded, not looking at him. This whole thing didn’t sit right in my gut. Still, I didn’t want to die here. “Good, then take this.”

He pressed the guard’s ivory dagger into my hand. He himself had taken the spear. I felt a sense of empowerment wash over me. There is a psychological effect to being armed. I suddenly felt calmer. Less afraid about the entire village of cannibals surrounding us.

“Follow me and stay close.” He dropped into a running crouch. I followed. With my long stride I covered more ground than he did so I had to go slow to keep up. Good thing to. I could hear snoring from inside the houses. I didn’t know how many families lived per hut, but there were over a hundred of the golden furred villagers in the clearing during my ‘trial.’ Take out the child, that’s 70-80 warriors. In other words, the final wave on horde mode.

We weaved in-between huts and across beaten paths until we reached the village edge. It didn’t take that long, the place wasn’t that large. Fifty feet from the last hut the jungle beckoned, promising safety for those who knew her secrets. I was willing to bet Ren-Thel was one of those few.

All that stood between us and freedom was a single guard looking outward.

“There defenses seem rather light.”

“The Lacuni-”

“Wait what?” He looked at me in confusion.

“Lacuni. That’s the name of the tribe. That we’re escaping from.” You’ve got to be kidding me. He must have noticed my snicker. “What is so funny?”

“Nothing, it just…sounds familiar. You were saying?” He looked at me with suspicion.

“Right…Anyway, the Lacuni are raiders. They’ve scared every tribe in this area into submission. The only ones that could pose a real threat to them are the Vren, but they are peaceful. The only reason the Lacuni have not wiped them out is the sacrilege of attacking one’s so close to the sacred grove.”

“Vren are good, Lacuni bad, don’t mess with the sacred grove, got it.”

“You learn fast. Wait here.”

He moved like the wind. Totally silent and with a grace that defied his withered look. If he was in that cage for five months then they must have fed him well. The woman never saw him coming. Without a sound he slipped behind her grabbed her by the shoulder, and slit her throat with the spear blade. She fell and didn’t get back up. Ren waved me over.

That’s two deaths I’ve seen. It wasn’t bothering me as much as I thought it should. Maybe it was shock. Maybe it was the fact they caged me. Maybe I was just a bit of a psycho, but I was close to getting out of there without lasting damage.

When I got to the corpse he was wearing a knife belt. He tossed the guards spear away and motioned me forward. Nothing else needed to be said.

We stole off into the jung-

“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”

Goddammit.

“RUN JACK!”

He didn’t need to say it twice. Abandoning any pretense of stealth, we sprinted full out into the brush.

“I thought you said we had ten minutes!”

“I was wrong! Now shut up and run!”

We did. Past trees and over streams, through bushes and across shrubs. We never stopped, never looked back. To do so meant certain death. The screams of the Lacuni hunters (ha-ha) followed us everywhere. They obviously had experience at chasing prey. This went on for half an hour. Then we made a mistake.

“Cut through here, we can…damn!” A cliff, too high to climb, towered before us. “We’ll have to go around.”

It was at that moment that five golden warriors charged out of the trees behind us.

“Get down!” Before I could react, the old man shoved the butt of his spear into my chest and knocked me behind him. The first Lacuni, a short woman, charged with her spear aimed for his chest. In a move I didn’t even see, he knocked it aside and bashed her in the head with the shaft of his weapon.

She fell down and didn’t get back up.

Two more rushed him, a man and a woman, both letting out a scream that didn’t sound like anything a thinking creature could produce. The one on the right came in with a low jab. The silver cat sidestepped and kicked her in the chest, causing her to double over. The other tried to stab him in the back. Somehow he managed to grab onto the weapon and drove it into the woman’s neck, kicking her spear upwards into the man’s groin as he did.

When a fourth made to throw her spear, he calmly shoved the sterilized man in front of him. The weapon crashed into his chest, sending him to the dirt. With a growl that wouldn’t be out of place on Animal Planet, he charged the disarmed woman.

I pulled myself up while he rushed the spear thrower. I almost felt sorry for her. It didn’t even seem like a fair-

Something hard smacked into my back, sending me tumbling forward. Instinct kicked in again and turned the fall into a somewhat successful roll. I came up crouched and turned to look at my attacker.

It was the big guy who had captured me. And he looked PISSED. Fear coursed through every vein in my body as I scrambled backwards. So much so that it drowned out the pain of having my head bashed with a stick.

He took a few steps forward. The look in his eyes was something I’d never seen outside of movies before. The kind where the villain wears a hockey mask. With what courage was left in me, I held my knife out defensively and stood up. I could say I died on my feet at least…

He laughed, dropping his spear and drew a knife of his own.

"To make it fair," he said simply before dropping into a fighting stance.

I glanced over at the battle Ren was waging. Another hunting party had found us and he was busy kicking all kinds of ass. Which left me on my own…

Against a blood crazed cat warrior who was charging right at me.

“FUCK!” A panicked step backwards was all that saved me from having my stomach split open from his first swipe. The flurry of attacks that followed kept forcing me backwards, dodging being my only option since I sure as hell couldn’t block them.

“Stay still coward!” I was so focused on trying to keep track of his hands that I completely missed the kick he aimed for my stomach. The wind was ripped out of me as I doubled over, opening myself up to a slash downwards. In desperation, I threw up my knife, trying to deflect the attack.

I missed.

His blade gashed my arm causing some of the most intense pain I’d ever felt. My left hand instinctively went to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. And that left me no defense against the kick to the head I received a few seconds later.

Next thing I knew, I was staring up at the star filled sky. And at the guy about to kill me standing right above my chest. Which he stomped on. Twice.

I got the feeling he liked kicking me.

“And here I thought I’d actually get some entertainment. Oh well.” He knelt down and put the knife to my throat. “Last words.”

I wanted to say something poetic. Something memorable. Something I could be proud to go out on. Unfortunately all of my concentration was focused on making sure I didn’t piss myself. So much for dying with dignity.

The cannibal simple shrugged and cut downward with the knife, cutting open my throat and resigning me to a slow death choking on my own blood.

Or at least he would have if a fist sized rock hadn’t crashed into his skull.

He fell off me, crying out in pain. This was all the motivation I needed to scramble to my feet and back away. He wasn’t paying attention to me anymore; he was too busy trying to keep his brains in. I could run now. Dash off into the trees. Get as far away from him as possible.

He’d chase me of course, but what else could I do? I mean, it’s not like I could…

We do not extend the hand of friendship to our enemies; we extend the blade of our knife.

Could I?

We do what is necessary to survive.

Before I could even register what I was doing, I charged, crashed into the man, and shoved my knife as far into his belly as it would go. All I could feel was my heart pounding in my chest as I twisted the knife. All I could hear was the wet, grinding sound it made when I ripped it out of him. All I could see was the look in his eyes as he fell backwards, never getting back up.

The cat whose name I’d never know died with surprise on his face, as if he’d never really thought it’d happen to him.

That was my first kill.

I’d just killed a person.

And I felt…

Good?

“We need to go. There will be more soon,” Ren said from beside me. He’d seen the whole thing. Just sat there and watched me kill someone. He took off, following the edge of the cliff. I went after him, dropping the knife as I did. I…I didn’t want to hold it anymore. Apparently the hunters had been searching for us in packs, because none of the other cries of alarm were anywhere near us. But they’d heard the fight.

And they were getting closer.

*SCHHWAFF-CLACK*

Scratch that, they were pretty close.

I was dimly aware of the arrow striking the rock above me. I say dimly because I couldn’t spare any extra thought process for it at the moment. My mind was to full of: Keep running! Don’t think about the guy you killed. Keep running! Ignore your exhaustion. Keep running! Sweet Jesus, this is so fucked! Keep running!

“What are we looking for?”

“It should be just around here…aha!”

The cliff we were following suddenly dropped away.

Into a larger cliff. With a waterfall.

We continued for maybe fifty feet before he turned to the drop. He gave me a manic smile. I looked down. Far below was rushing water and white rapids indicating rocks with a clear path right in the middle. The other side of the river was a flat bank leading to some trees. I looked back to him.

“You’re kidding. You’re kidding right?”

“It’s this or the Lacuni.”

I glanced behind me to the forest full of screaming, cannibal, cat warriors.

“MOOOOTHEEEEERRRFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

Once again, I found myself being woken unusually, only this time it came in the form of a sharp pain on my head.

“OW!”

I sat up, rubbing my dripping head to see a smiling Ren looking down at me.

“We made it.”

“Wha…” I gazed at my new surroundings. We were situated on the bank of the river that Ren had apparently dragged me from after I’d been knocked out right in front of a tree. On top of the cliff, pretty much the entire Lacuni tribe stared down at us. Not one of them tried to jump in after us. I gave the old fighter a warm smile.

“You know, just once today I’d like to wake up normally.” He laughed and I joined him. We yelled insults up at the stranded Lacuni tribe, daring them to come down after us. I did a cartwheel while he danced a jig. We compared their parents to women of the night. I raised my middle finger up above the other-

*SCHHWAFF-THUNK*

Pain.

I fell to my knees, too stunned to get up. For some reason, my right arm was twisted behind me at a weird angle. It was very uncomfortable. I tried to move it into something more regular, but it was caught on something. The Lacuni started shouting something at us, but it sounded far away.

“By the gods! Don’t move Jack! I’ll try to find something.”

Move? Why shouldn’t I move? As an experiment I tried to move. A pain more intense than anything I’d ever felt shot up my arm. I decided right then and there not moving was good advice.

“Here!” Ren held a stick in front of my face. “Bite this.” I complied. I don’t know why, but it was hard to think. At least the pain was starting to fade. In fact there was a strange numbness slowly working its way down my arm. “Hold still.” I’d already established that moving was bad. I wasn’t going anywhere. I heard a strange sliding sound. Like metal on something soft. “I’m sorry.” Sorry? Why would he be-

*THUNK*

The pain was back. Lower now, closer to the elbow. It was also far worse. Whatever that numbness was I hope it got down there-

*THUNK*

There was a sickening crunch. I heard something break. I didn’t know what Ren was doing, but he-

*THUNK*

It was worse than anything I’d ever felt. Worse than every other pain combined. Yet as the pain below my elbow worsened, the pain in my hand receded. Why is-

*THUNK*

I bit down on the stick so hard it nearly snapped! It felt like-

*THUNK*

MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEIT-

*THUNK-SHLISH*

My arm dropped back to my side. The pain in my hand was gone, but the pain in below my elbow burned like hellfire. I spit out the stick and screamed to the high heavens. It must have been bloodcurdling, because the Lacuni stopped taunting us and just stared. I felt Ren take off my shirt.

“Just keep calm Jack! It will be alight.”

He grabbed my arm sending fresh jolts of pain through it. I screamed all the louder. Why did it hurt so much?

I felt something wrap around it. Hard. It felt…in the middle, yet on the end at the same time. How is that possible? It didn’t matter. At least the pain was going away. Actually, everything was going away. The sound of the river, the light from the moon, the smells of the jungle. It was all just fading into soothing blackness.

“Don’t worry!” Ren said as he lifted me by my left shoulder. He sounded far away. “I know some people who can help you. You just have to stay awake, understand?” But I’m so tired.

“Stay awake, Jack!”

It’s so late.

“Stay awake!”

No, it’s time for sleep.

“Stay awake!”

Goodnight.

“STAY-

Mending

*tap-tap-tap*

Why can I never wake up normally?

Grudgingly, I opened my eyes to see what it…wait a second.

I went through the subconscious motions that would tell my eyelids to open. Nothing happened. There wasn’t even a feeling of strain. I tried my arms, legs, toes, everything! I got no response. Complete and total paralysis.

I panicked…only I didn’t. My breathing and heartbeat remained calm. This made no sense since my mind was in the middle of DEFCON 1!

As if on command, but not by me, the lids snapped open and flashed to the right. Standing in the shadows was…

Oh my God.

“Hellow there.”

The bitch that started this gave me a sweet little smile. Her shiny black hair, now in a ponytail ironically enough, streamed out behind her. She looked maybe twenty years younger and…fuller. In some very specific areas. Seriously, she looked like a freaking porn star. And not one of the crappy free movies either, but the kind you actually have to pay for. She’d also swapped out the black outfit for some tight robes. Also black and covered in mystic and frankly disturbing silver runes. And of course, the fateful umbrella was strapped to her back, only now it was some kind of mace. She did a little twirl and I saw a strange glow emanate from the center.

“Like the new look?” I did the mental equivalent of a snarl which didn’t seem to do anything but amuse her. “If there is one thing I like about humans, it’s their bodies. Most people think hairless creatures are disgusting, but at least your skin is smooth.”

If I got to do what I wanted to do to her, it wouldn’t be all that smooth. Also, it’d be a lot more red.

“Can’t believe you made it out of that.” She walked towards…whatever it was I was lying on (everything was shrouded in mist) with a shake a stripper would have killed for. “When those Lacuni came charging out of the bush, I thought you’d just piss yourself and get stabbed.”

Glad you enjoyed it.

“I am too. Good entertainment’s hard to come by these days. So I figured, why not take some random shmuck, send him to a dangerous fantasy land, and laugh as the world rips him to pieces.”

YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOR SOME CHEAP LAUGHES!

“Hardly cheap. Do you know how much power it takes to get a human here? I had to store it up for millennia. Still, you’re here now.” She leaned down and looked me straight in the eye. Hers were black as sin and had just a hint of malice. “Let’s see what I have to work with.”

What followed was the walk around someone does when shopping for a car or a racehorse. Hand on her chin, appraising look, and mumbling to herself like I wasn’t there to hear.

“Not as strong as the dog and less skilled than the griffon. No innate magic like the dragon. Lacks the variety of the wing-wolf. Has almost zero battle experience and very little in the way of survival skills. And then there’s the injury to consider.” Injury? What injury?

“However, has good reaction time coupled with a new body that can use it. Keeps a cool head under pressure and capable of staying in control even in the heat of battle. Does not shy away from killing, even during his first taste.” At that, I winced. It just seemed too easy, you know? First kills are supposed to be hard, brutal things you do in the heat of the moment. That’s how it is in all the books. I just kind of…did it. I looked at the guy, saw he was trying to kill me, and killed him first. Shouldn’t I have felt bad about that?

“Ultimately, I could do far better, but he has potential, so I think I’ll see where this goes.” She leaned in close put on a dazzling smile that I would love to just rip out tooth by tooth. “Congratulations. I’ve decided to let you be my piece in this little game.”

Piece? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

“Let me explain.”

For no reason what so ever, she crawled up onto the…thing I was on and straddled me. My body went to war with itself. The upper half screamed bloody murder while the lower half remarked on how it wasn’t that bad. The upper half then preceded to beat the lower half unconscious with a rusty shovel and resumed its fuming.

“What’s the matter? Nervous?” I’m sorry, strangle.exe has stopped working. Life is currently not giving a fuck about your problems. She adjusted herself so her face was directly above my own. “Better?”

Go fuck yourself.

“Now why would I do that when I have you here?” She gave me a smile that was definitely a rape face. I was suddenly very glad she was controlling my body. If I was in charge, I would have shit myself by now. “I could do anything to you right now. Did you know that? Anything at all.” Is there something past FUBAR? I really don’t think it’s strong enough for ‘About to be raped by…whatever the hell she is.’ Goddammit, why don’t I know anything?

“Oh would you relax. This isn’t a pleasure visit.” Thankfully, she slid off me. My lower half began to protest, but my upper half held up the shovel menacingly so he backed off. “On to business.”

“As for why you’re here, blame Discord. He did something really stupid that left the gate wide open for the rest of us. There’s a good chance the whole world is going to burn to the ground and I’ll be damned if I’m not a part of it.”

And that’s where I come in.

“Correct.”

What do you want me to do?

“Very direct. I like that.” I made a mental note to be as vague as possible in the future. “I can’t tell you.”

So you want something from me, but can’t tell me what it is.

“Sorry, it’s in the rules. And no you can’t hear the rules either.” Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this game much? “Suffice to say, you’ve already done better than I expected. But not good enough.” She paced around me again, only this time with the air of a teacher. “The Dog just survived having his throat torn out, the Griffin killed a dragon, the Dragon can use magic effortlessly, and the Wolf can take an entire pack of his forest cousins.” She put one finger on my forehead, digging it into flesh.

“The Lacuni were a good start, but child’s play compared to what the others have done. I am loosing this little game.” She put her face right next to mine and snarled. “I DO NOT LIKE TO LOSE!” The demon (she could be nothing else) stared deep into my eyes. I could see something terrible in their black pits. “I give you one year to impress me. Fail and you shall suffer more than you can possibly imagine. Okay?”

Her demeanor immediately returned to its appraising sluttyness. I felt whatever power holding me in place fade. I was too scared to do anything but nod.

Who the hell are you?

She smiled evilly.

“Somnambula. Now…”

WAKE

For once that day I woke up normally. No tree, no crazy cannibal cats, no strange bed in the middle of nowhere. Just me and…a cot. Not the most comfortable bed in existence, but a far sight better than the ground.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I opened my eyelids, savoring the feeling of calm that comes in those first few moments of waking before you remember the crazy shit that happened last night.

Oh yeah.

“I bet Charlie Sheen never had a night that wild. No, scratch that. No one has wilder nights than Charlie Sheen.”

“Who’s Charlie Sheen?”

“Ahhh!” I screamed and tried to bury myself in the blankets. What? I woke up to danger like six times in the last day! Nearly pissing myself is completely justified.

“Sorry!”

Before me stood a cat woman, light orange in color so at least she wasn’t Lacuni. Other than that she was the same as every other cat woman I’d seen except her clothes were less decorated, the skirt was slit at the legs, her tail had a fluffy white patch at the end of it, and she had amber eyes.

“Wha…who…” It was then I saw that wherever I was, it definitely wasn’t Kansas. The walls were covered in plants. Plants hanging from ropes, plants on shelves, plants in boxes and sacs and vases. All of them surrounded and paid homage to the big almighty mother of a cauldron placed in the middle of the room. Really, the only other things in here besides me, the cat chick, and the herbology orgasm were a few chairs.

“Well you definitely like plants.”

“Yeah…” For some reason, she looked angry. Or maybe it was sad. There was probably a story behind that, but before I could ask the look passed. “My name’s Nadene.”

“Khajiit.”

“Really? Ren said it was Jack.”

“Well it’s not. It’s Khajiit.”

“Oh…” she looked at me for a few seconds. “But I like Jack better.” I let out a loud groan. I prayed to the gods that obviously didn’t care about me that this didn’t become a running joke.

“Whatever. How long was I out?”

“About two days.”

“Two days!”

“Don’t act so shocked. You were almost dead when Ren dragged you here.” Holy shit! You ever been told you almost died? It’s a pretty humbling experience. A direct confirmation of your mortality. Scary stuff. I shelved it with ‘bad shit that’s happened to me in Equestria’ and moved on.

“And where is here exactly?”

“Valen.”

“Which is where exactly?” If her look was anything to go by, this was one of the dumbest questions ever asked.

“How can you not know where Valen is? We are right next to the sacred grove!”

“Well I’m not from the jungle so I have no-”

“You’re not from the jungle!” she practically screamed at me. Apparently cat people are universally fast because she was at my side in less than a second. “Tell me everything!”

I present to you a problem. The admittedly cute cat lady just asked me for information on the world outside of the jungle, which I will assume she’s never left. The only place outside of the jungle I know of is Earth. I do not want to explain how a witch-demon-thing kicked me out of my universe and that I am an inter-dimensional creature. And if the question of whether there were any cat people on my planet was asked, I would be forced to reveal that my species enjoys keeping our version of hers as house pets and that some very sick people enjoy that age-old country pastime of putting cats in microwaves to watch them die. And at that point they would probably string me from the highest tree.

That was a worst case scenario mind you, but with my luck I wouldn’t discount it. So to preserve my neck I did what men have been doing to women since the invention of speech.

I lied through my teeth.

“There’s nothing to tell. I don’t remember anything.”

“Nothing at all?”

“Well...I remember talking with a woman in black. Then I was on the cliff.” Nadene looked heartbroken. It was almost Fluttershy levels of adorable. Am I that cute?

“Alright. What do you remember? Ren told us about the escape and your time on the cliff. Did you really fight a roc?”
“Well if by fight you mean wet myself and jump off a cliff, then yes.” She laughed. I did to. “And to answer your other question, I remember jumping off another cliff into a river. And then…nothing.” Okay, when you tell someone about which part you blacked out at and their eyes go wide, that is a bad sign. I suddenly felt afraid. Very afraid. “What happened?”
She didn’t look at me. Also a bad sing. She just backed up a few steps, looked at the ground, and said:

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? All that happened was…” The rest of last night came back to me. Specifically a sound.

*SCHHWAFF-THUNK*

Oh god.

With my left paw shaking like a Richter scale in San Francisco, I reached over to my right side and felt around.

Loading…

I’m sorry; the arm this shortcut links to no longer exists. Would you like to delete it?

I slowly brought my right arm up to my face. Instead of my new, four-fingered, fuzzy paw, I was greeted by a bandaged stump one inch down from the elbow.

It hit me then. I was trapped in a dangerous world, put there by a creature I didn’t understand. My old body was gone, replaced by something out of a hentai comic. My old face might be lost forever. My old world might be lost forever! There was a good chance I’d never see my family again! I killed four people! I lost an arm! I ALMOST DIED!

I don’t know when I started screaming, just that I didn’t stop. Not when Nadene tried to hold me down. Not when Ren and two others ran into the room. Not when they started talking.

I didn’t stop until they force fed me a potion and I collapsed into a dreamless sleep.

Well, at least that’s two times now.

The sun had set. The whole hut was dark. There was no sound save the jungle insects and the howl of the wind. No one was around.

Please let it have been a nightmare, please let it have been a nightmare…

I looked at my arm. The stump greeted me.

“Jesus…” I felt myself start to cry. I hadn’t really cried since I was a little kid. Why the hell was this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?

You’re a murdering psychopath.

What…

That guy you killed, he had a family. People who cared about him and are busy missing him. You didn't give him a passing thought.

But…but he was…

Attacking you? Is that really an excuse? You could have just knocked him out or ran when you had the chance. But no, that would take too long. You were in a rush. You had to kill him.

I’m…

You’re a murderer! Still, I suppose you’re already paying for it. After all, you’ve already lost your family, your life, your ARM. And I guess we can kiss any chance at Heaven goodbye. Not that you believe in God, right?

“I need some air.”

It was a simple thing to throw off the covers and get to my feet. Staying there wasn’t. My weakened legs crumpled under me and I fell to the floor. Losing half an arm really takes it out of you. Grasping one of the wooden shelves, I hauled myself back to a standing position. Then I took a step. And another. And another. The feeling rushed back to my numb limbs and I let go of my improvised rail.

I pushed aside the small curtain acting as a door and got my first look at Valen. It was bigger than the Lacuni village by about ten huts. I was in a side building for the largest which was placed on a hill. Down below, the other houses circled a small pool. A path wrapped around it and shot off in two directions. One went off into the jungle and the other led up the hill. It was all awash with the cool light of the full moon.

It was like one of those paintings made by people you’ve never heard of, but teachers insist everyone except unlearned savages know. Too bad I wasn’t really paying attention.

Without a sound I took the path. Any kind of noise would have ruined it. It was a slow walk, very peaceful. I let my mind wander…

You’re stuck here. Forever.

Okay, so letting my mind wander was a bad idea. I tried to clear my mind instead.

You killed someone and you don’t even care.

So that doesn’t work either. Fine! I’ll just think about…video games.

Not that you’ll ever play those again.

“Screw this!” I started running, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this. I couldn’t deal with all this. There was too much too fast. I’d been in Equestria for three days! THREE! And already I wished I’d never even heard of My Little Pony. Hell, I wished Lauren Faust had retired after Foster’s!

I reached the pond, sprinted around its banks and took the path into the jungle. I reveled in the physical exertion, the simple act of movement keeping my thought at bay. I ran all the way out of the village. I ran through the brush that littered the start. I ran up into the rock, not caring what I’d find there, only know that if I stopped I’d think and thinking was bad.

The trail cut straight through the jungle, winding and twisting between trees. There were forks, but I took random directions without thinking. I just seemed to know where to go. My footsteps echoed along, letting me know how utterly alone I was on the path. Good. I liked being alone. Always have. Gives me time to think.

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the hunters was that scout kid’s parent.

Right. Thinking was bad right now. Can’t think. Just run.

So I did. Faster than I ever had before. Even when the Lacuni were chasing me I hadn’t gone this fast. Running from your own mind will do that. But the problem with fleeing an existential concept that exists inside your own head is that you can never go fast enough. That little voice in the back of your mind that haunts you when you do something wrong had found a loudspeaker. Every little thing I’d ever done, even before coming to this god forsaken place, was thrown back at me.

That time I stole my brother’s sandwich and blamed it on the dog.

Buying an essay from that stuck up nerd.

The one time I tried weed (don’t ask).

“DAMMIT!” I pushed myself farther. By now I was practically flying. I don’t know how fast humans could run but it was nowhere near what I was pulling. I must have been going at least thirty. So fast I had to tuck my ears down to keep them safe from the wind.

I ran and ran and ran and ran and-STOP!

Well it wasn't so much a stop as a tumble. Actually, I fell flat on my face. Turns out, just because I can go that fast doesn't mean I’m built for it. At least the little voice in my head stopped. Wherever I was going, I was here.

Before me was a break in the vegetation at the base of a rock wall. To my left, some trees. To my right…

…cliffs.

I looked between the two for a while, unable to decide between them. Then, with a sigh on my lips, I walked straight to the edge of the cliff…

…and sat down.

I hated this jungle.

This fucking jungle had fucked me over in almost every way. Literally the only thing I had left was my life and my pants. I have no idea where my shirt went. Everything else? No, sorry, bye-bye! It even had pieces of my body and my soul. Out there somewhere was a corpse being buried and a severed arm pinned to a tree stump.

I felt terrible. Physically and emotionally. I ran myself ragged to get here. Now what? Why have a path that just led to cliffs and a few trees? It had obviously taken generations to make. It was too flat, too free of plants, and too specific to be natural. There was something here I was missing.

Did it really matter? It wouldn't change anything. I was still stuck in whatever hellish version of Equestria that bitch decided to send me to. It might not even be the right world! All I had to go off of was the word of one old man that could very well be insane! After all, there had to be a reason he was locked in that cage right? What if he was lying about the cannibalism? What if I helped a dangerous criminal escape? I might have killed n innocent person!

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Followed by another. And another. Then ten more. I cried for everything. My now fucked up life. The arm I’d lost. The people dead because of me. The family I’d never see again. And one horrible realization.

“I can’t go back.”

Even if I did find a way to regain my human body and return to Earth, I couldn't. Not after this. I was never going to be that stupid high school loner I was a few days ago. Now I was a murderer. They would be able to tell. I know they would. They’d see it in my eyes and then they’d ask and then they’d hate me.

I’m all alone.

I looked down. Below was a dark chasm. I couldn’t see the bottom. I’d survived cliff jumping twice…

“Third time’s the charm.”

“I don’t know about that.”

I didn’t have to wonder who that was. In hindsight, I knew he’d follow me. He just seemed like the kind of guy who could leave private matters private.

“Go away Ren.”

“No.”

“Please. Just leave.”

“I ran all this way to see this chasm and I’m going to see it whether you like it or not!” He forcefully sat down next to me. I didn’t look at him. “You’re very fast.”

“Thank you.”

We were silent for a time. Me…thinking. Him doing whatever it was he was doing. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

“What are you doing here?”

“Seeing the chasm. Like I said.”

“Bullshit.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Hmm?”

“I have amnesia.” It was a weak excuse, but getting fancy just increases the odds of getting caught. Unless your going up against smart people. “You can keep your past secret if you want, but don’t pretend I’m stupid.”

“Sorry.”

“What’s bothering you?” At least he’s straightforward. I held up my right arm. “I believe we’ve already established how we feel about…what did you call it? Bullshit? I like that.”

“You’re not going to leave unless I tell you?”

“I’ll watch if need be.”

I didn’t want an audience for this. It was a personal thing, you know? I wanted it to be as simple as possible.

“It’s a lot of things.”

“I’ll bet.”

“It’s just…I was ripped out of my life and shoved here and on the first day…”

“You lose an arm?”

“I killed him.”

“Oh…OH!” He looked at me incredulously. “Is that what this is about?”

“Of course it is!” I snarled at him. “I KILLED HIM! I had no idea who he was, why they were doing it, and I…I just stabbed him.” I was crying freely by this point. I really didn’t care who saw. “I don’t even feel bad about it.”

“You’re upset for not being upset?”

“I’m a monster.”

Again, silence. We just sat there on the edge of a cliff. An old warrior and a crying young man sitting on the edge of everything.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“What?”

“The killing, I mean.”

“…No. I didn’t. It was just kind of a thing.”

“Then no problem.”

“But I…”

“But he was attacking you. He was planning to eat you. After you he would have gone on to eat more people. You acted in self-defense and slew a dangerous and vile person. All it means is that you are a natural fighter. My first kill, I put some of his blood in a vile and wore it around my neck for a time. And that’s not even the worst I know of! You didn’t even take the knife.” He looked at me with some amusement. “Trust me, you are a long way from being a monster.”

“Doesn’t change anything.”

The smile went away. We returned to silence. He was grasping at straws, but I…I wanted to believe him. The logic made sense, but…

Four days ago my biggest concern was finding a nice shirt for graduation! Now I have to deal with THIS! It made no sense! There wasn’t a single reason I could think of that would make that witch pick me. There were far more qualified bronies out there. People who’d enjoy shit like this. Instead she takes me, some random teenager who keeps to himself. Now…

Now I just wanted it to end.

“I was in that cage for five months,” he began slowly. “During that time they brought in 41 prisoners before you. I watched as each of them was strewn over that table and ‘given to the gods.’ I could have opened the cage at any time, but I didn’t. Do you know why?”

I was shocked, to say the least. 41 people. And he did nothing!

“Every single one of them had already given up.” His voice was quite. Sad. “They were just resigned to their fate and I…they wouldn’t have followed. You though.” He looked back at me. “At no point in that cage did you actually believe you would die.” He put one hand on my shoulder. The injured shoulder. “You had something the others didn’t. Some kind of potential not even you see. I didn’t want to let that die.” He turned back to the cliff.

I have potential. The witch said that to. Somehow, it meant more coming from this old fighter than it did from a being that had the powers of a god.

“Maybe I was wrong.”

I felt a jolt through me. I’d only known him a short while, but Ren was the closest thing I had to a friend here. He was the closest thing I’d had to a friend in a long time.

I didn’t want to disappoint him.

“Well, I’m going to go.” My jaw dropped.

“You’re just going to leave?”

“Yeah.” He stood up and stretched. “You obviously want to be alone right now. Besides, if I start moving now, I can make it to the sacred grove before morning. It’s supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in existence.” He started walking, turning his back on my stunned face. “I’d offer to take you, but it looks like you have some cliff diving to practice.” He turned towards the trees and lifted his left hand in a wave. “Have fun Jack.”

I stood there staring, wrought with indecision.

It would be hard. People have trouble enough losing limbs, but all this on top of that. No matter what I was coming out different in the end. It was just the nature of these things. There was a good chance I’d lose everything that made me, me.

Yet…

I looked down into the black depths of the chasm. Part of me wanted to see what was down there. As fast as possible.
In the end though, I guess it was never really much of a choice.

“This sacred grove better be something old man. And I told you before, my name’s Khajiit!”

I followed him away from the cliff, off into the trees.

I never looked back.

A few notes from the Author:

First off, Somnambula isn't mine. She's an old G1 villain you can find here.

Second, as most of you probably know, the Nadene and the Vren aren't mine either. They're one of the tribes Blackwing invented and I got permission from him to use them.

Third, for those who don't know, there is now a group for stories set in Rust's world. You can find it here. We're all on there and will attempt to add anyone joining the world.

Thank you all for reading and making this my most successful fic by a mile!

Reasoning

“So, you’re an alien?”

“Basically.”

Yeah, I told him. The guy talked me down from suicide; I think he deserves the truth. Only thing I left out was yesterday’s visit from the witch. I don’t know if she’s okay with me telling people, but I’d rather not piss off a being that can shatter the space time continuum. Better safe than sorry, right?

Oddly enough, the only thing that really seemed to faze him was the knowledge that cat people don’t appear in the show. Actually, considering I’m one of them now, it kind of bugs me too. What gives Hasbro? We’re definitely cute enough.
And I know you want to ask about the sacred grove, but don’t. I’m not allowed to tell you.

“That’s…fucked up.”

“You’re really getting the hang of this cursing thing.”

Yep. I was teaching him human curses. Why? Because they’re a lot better than anything they have here. And it helped keep my mind off…things.

“You don’t believe me at all, do you?”

“Of course I do. That story is too crazy to not be real. I just don’t understand this internet thing you keep going on about. How can it possibly be both the best and the worst thing humanity has ever invented?”

“Because it’s the internet dude. It is illogic incarnate.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Which is the entire point.”

He made an annoyed grunting sound. There was absolutely no arguing with internet logic. Just like drunk logic, dream logic, and whatever the hell Pinkie Pie uses.

I think we were getting close to the village. Some of the trees on this path looked familiar. It had taken almost all night to get back and the sun was just starting to lighten the eastern sky. With any luck, we’d be able to slip in without anyone knowing we were gone.

“Oh, one thing.” He grabbed me by the neck and slammed me against a tree. “Under no circumstances do you tell anyone we visited the sacred grove. Or that I know that shortcut! We broke several hundred years’ worth of tradition tonight and I’d rather not be shunned by my entire species. If anyone asks, you went out for a run to clear your head and I followed to make sure you didn’t get lost. Got it?”

I nodded to the best of my ability and he dropped me. Damn that cat was strong. I swear he almost broke my neck.

“You’re strong for an old man.”

“And another thing! Why do you keep calling me old? I’m only seventy-six!”

“I hate to break it too you, but that’s old.”

“Not for us. Our species can live up to two-hundred.”

Two hundred! If you take into account average American life expectancy, that’s around one-hundred and twenty-five extra years onto my life!

“Damn. I’m sorry. Still, it’s not my fault. You have silver fur. It makes you look ancient.”

Suddenly his hand shot out, stopping me in my tracks.

“What do you mean I have silver fur?”

“Well, you do. Just look at it.” He stared at me for a few moments. I could tell he was shocked by…something. Was he in denial about his coat color or something?

“What color are my eyes?”

“Huh?”

“What color are my eyes? It’s a simple question.”

“They’re blue. Why?” Those blue eyes shot up in surprise. There was something here I was missing.

“You can see color.”

“Yeah. Can’t you?”

“No. Our species is colorblind.”

So they’re colorblind and I’m not. I guess I owe the witch for something.

“Is there anything else I should know about our species?”

“Do you want to hear about our religion?”

“Not really.”

“Then no.”

We reached the village at the exact moment the sun rose. Luckily, the Vren were gatherers, not farmers. Most of them wouldn’t wake up for another few hours. We slipped into the village unchallenged. It was then that I took my first real look at Valen.

From the chief’s hill it looked like something from a painting. Up close…maybe by a different artist. The houses were simple wooden affairs. Could be one room, could be several. It was impossible to tell from the outside. And the colorblind thing, you could definitely tell from the decorations. It was mostly those beaded blankets you see in Spanish class strung along the roofs or around the doors. Only instead of colors they used space. The beads were arranged in patters that were either geometric or freeform. All were beautiful.

Or at least they would be to anyone colorblind. To everyone else they’d be a rainbow hued mess of dots. Still pretty though.
We followed the path up the hill with no problems. The chief’s hut was much bigger, probably doubling as a sort of town hall, and had a smaller building off to the side that, judging from my time there, was set aside for potion making. Ren walked over to a small mat placed by the door and sat down. He tossed me a small nod which I returned while slipping inside. I crawled into the cot I had been sleeping on before my…episode. There were still several hours before the day to day would begin and all that running had left me exhausted.

A cat nap wouldn’t hurt anything.

*nudge nudge-nudge*

Dammit. We’re back to this?

“Uhhh…five more minutes.”

“Get up or you don’t get breakfast.”

“Don’t want breakfast. Want sleep.”

“Fine. Maybe that snake would like it instead.”

“What!”

I sat bolted upright in bed. Bad idea since I hadn’t really had anything to drink in hours. When the dizziness stopped, I checked everywhere. Nope. No snakes. Good. Snakes are bad. Stupid snakes.

I looked over to see…Nadene? No, to old. Her mother maybe? Looked maybe in her early forties, but Ren was seventy-six! If you took away his silver fur, he’d probably look that age to.

“Hello.”

“Greetings.”

There was a short awkward silence as I tried to think of something to say. I really didn’t want to insult someone who probably had a hand in fixing me up, but she scared the shit out of me!

“There aren’t really any snakes here right?”

“Well this is a jungle, but we keep them out of the village.”

“Right…I’m Khajiit.”

“Sitka.”

Another awkward silence. It was mostly me. I’ve never been much of a mourning person.

“Soooo….breakfast?”

“After you get dressed.” Sitka nodded to a small bundle of clothes at the foot of the bed.

“Alright, alright.” As was customary for mornings when I didn’t wake up in mortal peril, I put my arms over my head and twisted my spine until it cracked with a number of deliciously satisfying pops. “Ahhhhhhhh…” Nothing like a good ‘ol back-crack to get you going in the morning. Sitka, however, didn’t share the sentiment. “Problem?”

“Never do that in front of me again,” she said with a shudder. It took every ounce of my self-control not to do my knuckles right then and there. Wait…one hand. Can’t crack my knuckles. FUCK!

“I can live with that.” She nodded in returned and left. I decided to get changed. Might as well get some breakfast. The only food I’d eaten in who knows how long are those damn Mangos that got me stuck with the name Jack. I really shouldn’t make my puns so punny.

The clothes were just a tunic and pants like before, only now they were made out of a soft cloth instead of the rough hide. It felt good to lose the others. Not only did I get an arm cut off in them, but they’d been taken from a dead-
STOP! Remember where that thinking got you! Don’t dwell on it!

Right. If I was ever going to get anywhere in Equestria, I had to get past…that stuff. Talking with Ren had helped, but one does not simply walk out of Mordor. It would take a lot of effort on my part before I was ever truly okay with what I’d done. I probably never would be.

Still, I had at least started the long road to recovery. And…I think I’d be alright if I had to kill again. As long as there were no other options. And if I ever got my paw on the black cloaked…

Let’s just say the things I had planned would make the Spanish Inquisition piss themselves. Unexpectedly.

But for now, breakfast.

I stepped outside to get my first daytime look at Valen. It was pretty much the same really, just in color. Also, there were a lot of orange cat people wandering around down there.

“So you are awake. Good.”

Ren was right where I left him. Actually…I think he was there last night. How the hell did I miss him?

“It was either get up or let my breakfast be eaten by a snake.”

“Then you have made a wise decision. Rakk is an excellent cook. You’ll find him inside.” He went back to eating some kind of porridge in a plain wooden bowl. It smelled delicious. Whoever this Rakk guy is, by scent alone he could easily make Quaker his bitch.

“Right. And Ren…” The not-so-old cat looked up at me. “Thanks.” He smiled. It was warm. Almost…fatherly.

“Anytime.”

And with that, I left him to his meal and went to get one of my own.

Well the chief’s hut certainly lives up to the expectations. The outside was decorated in more of those blankets that would go for millions back home. Maybe I should see if I can get a couple.

The inside held more plants. Seriously, these cats must have a plant fetish. Actually that might have some merit. I swear I saw a bag of catnip. It also had three rooms. One big main entryway and two smaller, walled off areas in the back. I’m just going to assume that those are for Nadene and her parents and that they are Nadene’s parents.

Speaking of parents, Sitka and a cat man were seated on more of those woven mats Ren had beside a large cauldron. They looked over the second I walked in. That’s when I saw the cloth tied around the man’s eyes.

He’s blind. And he cooks?

“Hello there,” he said. It took a second for my brain to beat some sense into my mouth so it would respond.

“Hi.” I stood in the doorway, a little unsure. Sitka had offered breakfast, but I didn’t know whether or not it’d be rude to just walk into their home without permission. Luckily, Sitka took care of that little problem for me.

“Why are you just standing there? Come eat.”

That was all the encouragement I needed. Starving is not on my to-do list. As I walked over, the cat man (who I’m guessing is Rakk) stood up. He was orange like the other Vren I’d met, except he had black stripes to make him look like a tiger. He gave me a friendly smile.

“I am Rakk, Chief of the Vren tribe.” He held out a paw for me to shake.

His right paw.

“Uhhh…”

“Wrong paw?”

“Yeah…”

He quickly switched and we entered into a silent agreement to never speak of the incident again.

“I’m Khajiit.”

“Really? Ren said your name was Jack.”

“I know he did. Could you just ignore him?”

“But I like Jack better.” I made a mental note to hit Ren at the earliest opportunity.

“It is a more pleasant sounding name,” Sitka chipped in.

“Fine, whatever.” I sat myself down on a mat a little to the left of the cauldron. Sitka began filling me a bowl. “Thanks for the help by the way.” I held up my right arm.

“Don’t mention it. We couldn’t call ourselves healers if we turned away one in need could we.”

“Still…”

“Look,” Rakk ‘looked’ at me with a practiced stare. It was the look that only the best of doctors could possibly pull off. Full of compassion, yet stern at the same time. “Don’t worry yourself about it. You don’t owe us anything. We healed you for the sake of healing, not any sort of gain. Besides, Ren is…an old friend. It would be foolish of us to turn away one he speaks so highly of.”

That’s…interesting. There was something off about how he said ‘an old friend.’ Both him and Sitka seemed…ashamed. I think I’d have to have a talk with Ren later. But for now, Sitka handed me a bowl of porridge which I was happy to take. It smelled even better fresh!

Which presented a problem as soon as she held out a spoon.

Nearly everything’s going to be harder now I guess. Especially since I am…was right handed.

I set the bowl on the ground and grabbed the spoon. Then began the awkward process of transferring a spoonful of porridge from ground level to my mouth. Never before have I wished I wasn’t tall.

“I warn you though, once you taste my husband’s cooking, you’ll never want to leave.”

“Sitka…”

“Well it’s the truth!”

I gave a noncommittal grunt. It was just porridge after all. How good could it possibly-BY THE HOLY VOCAL CORDS OF TARA STRONG!

Julia Child aint got shit on this guy.

“Told you.”

Fuck the spoon! It was too much work to lift it that high anyway. I just grabbed the bowl and drained it.

“Did he just…”

“Yes, he did. I keep telling you your cooking is beyond excellent, yet you refuse to believe me.”

I’ll just skip the rest of breakfast. It was mostly small talk while I ate six bowls of that god-tier porridge. He doesn’t make Quaker his bitch, he turns him around and ass rapes him in front of his mother.

I did learn a few things while stuffing my face though. These were indeed Nadene’s parents. She gets up early to do chores so I missed her by about an hour. I was kind of okay with that. When you have a complete mental breakdown in front of someone, the next meeting is always awkward. Also, the Vren shun all forms of violence. Ren’s well-deserved bitch slap was going to have to wait.

Turns out it had been all three of them I owe my life to along with Ren. Rakk mixed healing potions and salves with great skill despite his blindness. Sitka was an excellent medic, being the one who closed the wound and applied the bandages. Nadene was something of a nurse, helping wherever she could. I thanked both of them profusely (despite their protests) and decided to find Nadene later for the same reason.

And…about my arm. The Lacuni elder poisons his arrows. I would have been dead if Ren hadn’t cut it off. Even then, I spent almost the entirety of my coma fighting the residual poison. They also wrapped up the stump with salve soaked bandages to stop the bleeding and help with healing. I’d have to wear them for another three weeks just to make sure.

Living with this is going to be hard. Hell, I’m going to have to relearn practically everything all over again. Can you imagine how hard it’s going to be just to write my name? Wait…do ponies write English? I know the numbers are the same, but all you ever see in the show is squiggles. I might have had to relearn that one anyway.

Anyway, we talked for a while until the fateful question popped up.

“What are you going to do now?”

On earth, I never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life. At all. I figured it would just click one day and that would be it. Incredibly stupid reasoning by the way.

Now I was a one-armed cat person a week south from what might be the greatest place on earth…or whatever the hell this place is called. I could always head north, but…

Going on a week long journey through the jungle where I’d lost an arm? That called up a whole mess of red flags in the self-preservation department. This village though. It was safe, it had my own kind, and incredibly friendly if the leaders were any indication. It would be a whole lot simpler just to start over here. I’m sure they’d let me.

I give you one year to impress me. Fail and you shall suffer more than you can possibly imagine.

Then there was that. I’d played enough video games to imagine quite a bit. I don’t think I have anything on a witch though. I doubt living a nice safe life with the Vren would impress her at all.

“I…need to think about it.”

“Take all the time you need,” said Sitka as she took my empty bowl. I almost wish they were mean. Would’ve made my decision a lot easier.

“There is one more thing you should know,” Rakk said. “Our carpenter, Varek, has been working on something for you. You should see him before the day is over.” He gave me a few instructions for finding his hut.

“I’ll check it out later. Thank you again…”

“Please don’t start with the thanks again. We’ll be here all day. Go on now.” With that, I left the two in their hut. I didn’t want to take up their whole day. Besides, I had some pretty important stuff to consider.

“So what are you going to do?”

Yeah, like that.

“No idea.”

“You’re not bound to me. If you decide to stay, I would be perfectly fine.”

“You’re not staying?”

“No,” he cast his eyes downward, “there would be some…difficulties if I tried.” Just as quickly as it appeared, the melancholy vanished. “Well I won’t keep you. You obviously have some thinking to do. And I have some business of my own to take care of.” With that note, he wished me good luck and walked off in the direction of the jungle.

Might as well get this over with. I decided to head for the pond. Flowing water has always been a source of relaxation for me. Spending some time at its banks might help clear my head.

Valen really came alive during the day. During the walk down from Rakk and Sitka’s (I don’t think they had a last name) I could see dozens of orange cat people going about their business. On a side note, the stripes seemed to be a recessive gene. Only one in four Vren actually had them.

They were nice people I suppose. At least, they seemed that way from the little I’d seen. They said hello and waved to me when I walked passed, as if I wasn’t a total stranger who showed up in the middle of the night. Kids didn’t even show up to gawk at the ‘one-armed freak’ (something I was actually very worried about). I managed to have a nice, uneventful walk down to the pond.

And I was right. The second I heard the water lapping against the banks I felt better. I know cats are supposed to hate water, but I’ve always loved it. Wait…can I still swim with a new body or am I going to have to relearn that too? There was only one way to find out, but I didn’t think I should get my bandages wet.

Without delay, or care for the goings on around me (they seemed mostly plant-based) I sat down by the pond, closed my eyes, and engaged in that most dangerous of pastimes: thinking.

And…I guess it’s time to be honest. On the cliff with Ren…I kind of lied. Well not lie per say, I just…left some things out.
The killing did bother me, hell it still bothers me. It just wasn’t everything bothering me.

I could do anything to you right now. Did you know that? Anything at all.

In that moment she controlled every single aspect of my life. From the next breath I drew in to where my eyes moved. EVERYTHING. And she knew it. She’d grabbed me by the balls (figuratively and literally), launched me into a new place with a new body, and then criticized me for not doing well enough.

Do you know what it’s like to be forced into something then to essentially be told that you’re worthless at it?

It’s been running through my mind ever since the grove. She picked me for no apparent reason and catapulted me out of a descent life. Defending myself against the Lacuni had been no small feat, yet she dismissed it as if it was nothing. She examined me like a piece of meat, picking out my flaws like you would a racehorse or stud-dog. She all but raped me and then has the NERVE to say I’m not good enough!

I wanted to prove her wrong. That was the thing. The only reason I hadn’t immediately agreed to stay with the Vren. I don’t know why she brought me here, but it wasn’t to learn how to mix herbs. She’d said the Lacuni were a good start.
She wanted me to fight.

“Hello.”

“Ahhh!”

I turned around to see none other than Nadene. She looked a little embarrassed. You would to if you watched someone have a complete psychological collapse.

“Hi.” I hauled myself back to my feet. Think time was over. Judging by the position of the sun, it had only lasted…two hours. Yeah...If I let my mind wander, it tends to take a while getting back. “I just want to say thanks for…you know.” I held up my right arm and was rewarded with a smile.

“Don’t mention it.”

“Yeah, your parents said the same thing.”

“No, I mean it. It is customary of my people to never accept payment for healing.”

“Thanks count as payment?”

“To some.” She shrugged. I guess in a way thanks were payment. It did feel good to know a good deed was appreciated. Wasn’t really worth all that much on Earth, but I guess since their tribe doesn’t seem to have a form of money…

And yet another awkward silence entered into my life, yearning to be filled. And so I answered.

“So…how’s life with the Vren.”

He waited on the rock.

It was a very important rock. At least it was to him. Maybe it still was to her to. Maybe.

Still, they would be here. There were no other landmarks around to speak of. Unless she’d found some more, in which case he’d just have to ask. That was an uncomfortable prospect. He put it at fifty-fifty odds of her actually giving them to him willingly. He preferred to stack the deck.

He could just take them of course, but…it wouldn’t be right. Stealing from her.

And so he sat on the rock and prayed to whatever gods were still listening that his hunch was right.

And for once, they answered.

She came crashing through the trees like a novice. Living the peaceful life would do that he supposed. It felt good to know she’d lost her edge. She deserved to lose something. He’d already lost everything.

She stopped when she saw him. Her face didn’t show surprise, merely understanding. She knew he’d be here.

“Ren.”

“Sitka.”

For a time they were silent. So many unsaid words floated around their heads. Still, he was here for a purpose and she knew it.

“No.”

“One is mine by right and the other you have no use for.”

“I swore they would never be used again.”

“No, you swore you would never use them again. I was there and I’m sure my head was far clearer.”

Silence. He had the upper hand now. He would not waste it.

“If not for me then for the boy’s sake. He’ll need them.”

“He cannot use both and he may not have to. No decision has been made yet.”

“Do you honestly think he will stay?” He slid down from the rock and approached her. She had already decided. They were practically in his hands. “Did you not see the fire in his eyes? The yearning for something more? The same fire that still burns in mine?” He stared straight at her. Neither blinked. “And used to burn in yours.” She looked away. He pressed on.

“There is something else there to. Anger. Someone or something wronged him and he wished to make it right. I can help him get that chance.”

“Revenge solves nothing.”

“Then I’ll at least keep him from killing himself. He’s come to close to that already.” A short intake of breath. She didn’t know? She really was slipping. “What? You didn’t think he’d actually gone out for a run, did you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! He’s balancing on the edge of a knife and if he asks what I think he’ll ask, then he’ll require an edge. He’s already lost an arm. Should he lose his life to because of your inability to let the past be the past?”

“But…”

“No! I will teach him when he asks! You have your life now! DO NOT INTERFERE WITH MINE!”

More silence. This time stifling. He’d won, they both knew it. Yet still the tension mounted. The weight of years had been behind this conversation. It was an ending of sorts. The final resolution to something that had been coming for a long time.

“They are in the hollow. One pair of the lesser is gone.”

“I expected as much. It seems the daughter is more like her mother than either realized.

Nothing else needed to be said.

“Take them. It’s all you ever cared about anyway.”

She left then. He didn’t stop her. What could he do?

“Were that only true,” he whispered. Too low for her to hear. It would do no good for either of them if she did. That faze was over now. He would not fail in this new one.

The old warrior turned and went to retrieve his past, determined to help another achieve a future.

What did we learn today?

Nadene has parental issues.

It started out fine really. She told me about the Vren, the area surrounding the village, a few basic potion recipes (I paid extra attention when she brought up the healing potion), and some of the local goings on.

Then I asked if she’d ever been to one of the other villages.

I was rewarded with a fifteen minute long rant about this very fact. As she tells it, her parents rarely ever let her out of town and it’s usually with simple errands to get herbs. They just want her to stay safe and sound and be an apothecary like they are.

Naturally, she doesn’t like this. She wants adventure! She wants to see new places and meet new people.

So basically, the same problems a lot of young people have: wanting to grow up fast while your parents just want their little kid to stay safe. The only real difference is that she actually is grown up. She’s at least as old as me and I’m legally an adult.
For the sake of page space. I’ll skip to the end. Most of our conversation isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. It’s only really interesting to me. You need to know the facts before making a decision after all.

“I just don’t understand their refusal.” It was pretty obvious when you think about it. But we rarely notice all the things our parents do for us until there gone.

Trust me. I know.

“It’s because they care about you. They don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I would be fine.” Ah the invincibility of the young. I miss it. A lot.

“Are you so sure about that?” I held up my right hand for emphasis. “I was only out there for a day and it seemed pretty dangerous.”

“I know not to go near the Lacuni. Besides…” She did a quick scan to make sure no one was listening. It wasn’t necessary. Our talk included a tour of the village and it ended at the edge. Everyone was at least out of earshot. “I know how to defend myself.” She whispered this like it was some kind of naughty secret. From everything I heard about the Vren, it was.
“I thought your tribe swore off violence.”

“They do. So do I for the most part. I just know how to fight should the need arise.” So a healer in a village of peaceful apothecaries knows more about fighting than I do. I am so screwed. “I have a pair of daggers I practice with. And I can mix poisons,” she said with a smile.

“And if your parents ever found out?”

“They’d yell at me, take them away, and cloister me even further, never letting me leave the village perimeter.”
“Damn.” My parents would have just grounded me for a week. And probably called a psychiatrist to find out why I was practicing with knives and learning poisons.

I took a glance at the sun. I’d guess it was about three. I’d slept in pretty late so most of the day was over before it even started.

“I just remembered. Your parents told me to see someone named Varek. Do you know him?”

“Of course. I know the whole village.” Right. There’s only maybe one to two hundred people here. They’d have to be a close knit bunch. “Come on. I’ll show you where he is.”

Along the way to his hut (which was conveniently located just off the center ring) she told me all about Varek. Apparently he was the town’s one and only carpenter. Not that they needed another with him around. He was supposed to be a master at his craft. Made everything from boards to build with to toys for the young ones.

I had a pretty good idea what I’d get here.

“Varek? Are you home?” She walked right in without knocking. Like I said, a close knit bunch. I meanwhile, stopped to admire the artwork. Unlike the other huts, his was decorated with carvings around the door. It really was quite beautiful. So beautiful that I stared at it until a striped cat man stuck his head out of it.

“You must be Jack.” He sounded a bit nervous. Maybe he’s the Fluttershy of the village.

“Khajiit.”

“Whatever. Come on in. I just finished.” I didn’t need to be told twice.

Yeah…this guy was really good at what he does.

Carvings were EVERYWHERE! It was like an expo. There was so much cut wood that the place stank of tree sap and sawdust. Actually, there was some sawdust over in a corner along with a bucket of tree sap.

Nadene was busy looking over what I assumed were his latest works. I followed him over to a workbench. On it sat shavings, tools, and (surprise surprise!) a wooden paw. Unpainted of course, everything was. What would paint do for a colorblind species?

“What do you think?” he asked. Once again I caught a nervous undertone. Was it me? Did word get around about how I killed those Lacuni?

I took a few steps closer and picked it up. It was amazingly detailed. It even had little markings to resemble fur. All I really need to do was find some paint and no one would be able to tell I was missing an arm! From a distance at least.

“It’s beautiful,” I told him. And I meant it.

“He does good work!” Nadene called out excitedly.

“So how do I…”

“Here, let me.” He took it from my hands and briefly showed me how to put it on. It had a couple of straps I put around the stump. You just pulled them tight and the rubber laced base created a vacuum, holding it in place. Surprisingly simple and effective.

Then he surprised me.

“Tell Ren we’re even now,” he whispered into my ear.

“What?”

“There you go, all set,” he said loudly. “No thanks are necessary, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. Off you go.” He ushered the both of us out quickly. Nadene seemed to take it at face value. If he said he was busy, he was busy. Right?

I added it to my list of things to talk to Ren about.

“So what should we do now?” I asked my friend. At least I think we’re friends. Or she does. I can’t really tell. God I need to get out more. Ponies really consumed my life that last year.

“There isn’t much to do around the village,” she said with a shrug. “If you like, we can go back to my home and I can show you how to make that healing potion you were so interested in.”

“Why not?” In truth, I was very excited about the idea. Potions that keep you from dying are usually good to have around.

So we walked back to her place while I played around with my new ‘paw.’ That guy deserves every bit of praise he was getting. And I expect it was a lot. It was lightweight, I’m sure was durable, and it barely felt like I was wearing anything! That might be because the bandages are soaked in a numbing agent, but still.

But why did he seem so worried when he gave it to me? He acted like he was doing something wrong. Like…

“Have you made any potions before?” Nadene asked, cutting off my thoughts.

“No, but I do cook a little…

I sat alone in the dark of the apothecary and stared at the little red vile in my hand. It took eight tries, but I finally got it right. It’s a lot harder than you’d think. You have to pick the right plants, cut and mix them just right, and boil them at the right temperature. It was all worth it though. I now had five emergency health vials, three mana potions (not really, but close) and two servings of Jungle Remedy. The kind that cures diseases I mean. She’d also showed me some basic plants and where to find them. Yep. I was now an apprentice alchemist/herbalist.

Whether she liked it or not Nadene was a master. Yet when I told her as much, she got mopey and said it was because her parents made her. Being forced to do something sucks. It’s the whole reason I hate sports and spent most of my teenage life indoors.

Still, it left me thinking of my own parents. Did they even notice I was gone by now? Of course they would if I was missing, but what if this was a John Carter deal? This body was created for me and my real one is passed out in a hospital waiting for my consciousness to return. How long would I have before they took me off life support? Would I still be alive here if they did or would I die along with it? Why did that witch have to leave it so vague? For all I know she beat me to death with that umbrella!

I cut that train of thought the second it appeared. Going too far into the existentials of dimensional travel was…unhealthy. It’d be like someone asking Twilight how hooves picked stuff up. Poor girl would go insane.

Instead, I looked at my prosthetic. There was something about it, something that Ren made him do. I just needed to find it. Mostly by running my other paw over every inch of its surface. What else was I supposed to do? It’s not like I have…

*click*

Oh…that was interesting. The hand could disconnect from the base, but why?

Slowly, with just a hint of fear at what I’d find, I pulled the wooden limb separate from the base. It came off with a shing and my jaw dropped.

In place of an arm I now had a half-foot ivory dagger. Even in the darkness it gleamed. The flat of the blade had two curved blood channels running to the tip etched in filigree. The point was so sharp it could probably split a hair just by weight. I tried it and it could.

“Clever bastard.”

Looking at this blade, it all just sort of clicked. I’d just got here! There was literally a whole world out there and I didn’t want to miss it by staying here and learning about plants.

I’d been given an opportunity that, while not unique judging by the others the witch mentioned, was incredibly rare. There were no new frontiers left on earth. Everything had already been mapped out. If you wanted to know about a place, you could just go on the internet. Here though, if you wanted to know about some place, you either had to go there yourself or find someone who had.

Just because the witch was breathing down my neck doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my time here. I could go wherever I wanted, how many humans could say that? Plus, I’d already stared death in the face (once by force, once by choice), it doesn’t get much worse than that. What could possibly-

DON’T YOU DARE! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Right…don’t want to roll those dice again. Points still valid though.

I’d been given an opportunity. Let’s see what comes of it. And if I managed to show up Somnambula on the way, well we’ll just call that a bonus.

That’s right. IT’S ADVENTURE TIME! Unrelated note: What the hell’s with all the weird show on Cartoon Network? I mean, the DC stuff’s okay, but none of it really compares to Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Though that purgatory thing kind of ruined it for me…

“Jack. Are you awake?” Ren was back from doing…Ren things. He walked in. I raised my blade in greeting. “Ah, good you found it.”

“Wasn’t that hard. How’d you get him to make this thing anyway?”

“Well, while you were sleeping, I discovered a little secret of Varek’s. And his neighbor’s wife,” he said with the largest shit-eating grin I’d ever seen.

“You blackmailing bastard.”

“It got the job done.”

“Yeah…” I returned my gaze to the blade. “You’re going to teach me how to use this right?”

A pause.

“Depends on how much time we have.”

“Then how far is it to where we’re going?”

Another pause.

“You’re coming with me?”

“Was there any doubt?”

Another pause, coupled with a smile.

“No. None at all.” He stared at me thoughtfully for a moment. “Can I ask why?”

“Well…” There were a lot of answers. But none that I particularly wanted to give. “You said we live up to two hundred?”

“The average is one-fifty, but yes.”

“Then I have over a hundred years to find a home. Might as well see what options there are before I decide.”

It was bullshit. He knew it. I knew it. I have to give him credit though. He swallowed it with a smile.

“Sleep well Jack.” He left me then. Alone with my thoughts.

I give you one year to impress me. Fail and you shall suffer more than you can possibly imagine.

That was it really. The blade put it all together, but that’s where my decision was made. I was scared. Scared of what she could do to me. Scared of what she’d already done to me. And ashamed she could do it so easily. And mad at myself for letting it happen.

She'd broken me. Shattered really. The cliff would haunt me. Probably for the rest of my life. But what was broken could be rebuilt right? From the ground up if need be. I'd come back stronger than ever. Like an annoying RPG endboss. No one was ever going to think I’m worthless ever again.

She wanted impressed? I’d give her fucking impressed.

Let the game begin.

"Training"

We spent three more days with the Vren. I spent that time learning. Potion making from Nadene, wood carving from Varek ( he agreed quite readily after I mention the cool feature I’d found to my hand) , basic first aid from Sitka, pretty much anything I thought I’d need out in the wide world. Somehow (I’m not sure I wanted to know) Ren managed to secure us some basic equipment. No food though. According to him, I’d have to learn to hunt before we get to the Equestrian border.

That’s right, we’re going to Equestria. The plan is to hit up Stalliongrad for more supplies then head for the Everfree forest. According to Ren, the best way for me to learn to fight was to fight. And since I was still a little…concerned about killing sentients, I was going to practice on the dangerous beasts that plague the wilds. Considering some of that stuff looks tough in the show, I can’t imagine what they’ll be like in real life. I’m not as excited about the prospect as you might think.

Still, I’m going to fucking Equestria! How cool is that? So I’m seeing it through feline eyes instead of pony or human. It’s still Equestria.

Why do I suddenly feel like crap?

I am going to miss the Vren though. They were some of the friendliest people I’d come across in a long time. A little weird, but hey, I’m an alien being from a world more fucked up than the Binding of Isaac. Which is in my world by the way. Fun game.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. And so, in the early morning on my fifth conscious day in Valen, Ren and I packed up to leave. I’d been given a large satchel which I wore strapped to my lower back along with a belt covered in small pouches to hold herbs and such. Through some clever packing, I managed to fit all the potions I’d made and the supplies to make more.

We had checked everything, planned our route (actually he planned it, I just agreed since I have no fucking idea where we are), and made sure there was no unresolved business keeping us around. The only thing left now was the goodbyes.
Is there any way to skip this part?

Most of the Vren had just seen us as more of a curiosity than anything else so it wasn’t like we were getting some huge send off. It was just going to be Rakk, Sitka, and Nadene. Completely fine with me. I’m not one for crowds anyway.

Still, I hate goodbyes. Who doesn’t really? Unless it was a goodbye to someone I hate. Then I suppose I’d be excited. But there’s no one I hate here. Except for Ren sometimes, but that just cause he keeps trying to drop the M-word. God help me if he does.

“Are you ready?” I looked at Ren. He stood in the doorway holding the food bag. Outside, the sun was just starting to rise. We’d decided to leave as early as possible. There was a lot of ground between here and the land of the Sun and Moon.

“As I’ll ever be.” I strapped on the satchel and followed him outside. Even in the early morning it was hot out. Actually, I can’t recall a single moment when the jungle was chilly. Even at night it rarely fell out of the seventies. Yet I never felt uncomfortable. Maybe it was just a perk of being a native species.

As luck would have it, the chief’s hut was the northernmost point in the village. We were entering the trees right behind it. The three of them were standing there. Nadene almost stifled a particularly large yawn. It was early in the morning and, as a workweek here and ten years of being a pet owner have taught me, cats like their naps.

“All ready to go?” she managed to get out.

“Yeah.” Ren looked…uncomfortable. He’d been avoiding Rakk and Sitka for some reason. I had some…theories, but it wasn’t like I was going to ask. If he wanted to tell me, he’d tell me. It’s as simple as that.

“Well, it’s been…good,” he said awkwardly.

“Yes…it has,” Sitka said. Rakk remained silent. Nadene gave me a curious look. I just shrugged at her. Like a said, he’d tell if he wanted to. And so would her parents.

“I guess this is goodbye,” he said. “I wish you luck in your lives.” For some reason, he stared directly at Sitka while he said this. “Don’t take too long,” he whispered to me. Then, just like that, he left. Just walked off without another word.

By the Gods, he’s worse than me when I was human.

“Well…that was awkward,” I said lamely.

“Indeed,” Rakk stated. Then he held out a paw (his left, he never got it wrong after the first day). “It has been a pleasure.”

“Likewise.” I shook his paw. He was a nice guy and damn was I going to miss his cooking. Put him on Iron Chef and he’d win. Every time.

“A word of advice,” I heard Sitka say. She suddenly grabbed my shoulder, pulled me in close, and started whispering. “Take everything Ren tells you with a grain of salt. He has been through hard times in the past. His worldview is not the most…pure.” She looked me straight in the eye. In hers I saw…regret? “Good luck.”

“Same to you,” I said, a little suspicious. Ren had saved my life. Several times. I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. And if they had a past like I suspected, she might be a little biased. But that was a problem for another day.

“Soooo…” said Nadene.

“Yeah…” I responded back. I’m not sure, but I think she became my best friend. Which made this a little painful. “I’ll see you around?” I held out my paw.

“Yeah. Try not to lose anymore body parts.”

“Believe me, I will.” Being honest, I might have had a small crush on her. Still, some things are better left unsaid. After all, given the nature of this journey, I’d probably never come back here again.

Yeah…

I left then. Said a goodbye, gave a wave, and walked off to where Ren was standing behind the hut. I preferred to get these kinds of things done quickly. Goodbyes are like Band-Aids. It’s better to just rip it all off at once than to peel it off slow.

“You’re absolutely sure you want to go?” he asked. I looked back a Valen. It was the closest thing I had to a home in Equestria.

“No. So let’s get a move on before I change my mind.” He nodded and the two of us walked off into the trees, leaving the Vren behind.

I looked back once.

“There is something I need to do. Wait here.”

We had been walking for three hours. We were smack dab in the middle of the jungle. On the way here I had seen the tracks of several of the area’s more vicious inhabitants. So maybe you can imagine how stupefied I was at how Ren was leaving me (still untrained in the arts of combat) in the middle of said jungle.

“Well why didn’t you do it during the three days I was safely in the village?”

“Because the Vren wouldn’t like it.” When the ultra-peaceful group of healers don’t like something…I just get a bad feeling about it.

“It’s not going to get us killed right?”

“It might save your life.” Well…that sounds like a good thing.

“Will it take long?”

“Maybe an hour. Just wait here.” And hour? In a dangerous jungle? Alone?

“Well what am I supposed to do while you’re off doing…whatever it is you’re doing? Wait, what are you doing?”

“You’ll know soon enough.” Yeah, because that sentence always has something happy attached to it. “Besides, your name is Mango Jack. Go look for fruit trees or something.”

“Look,” I said with a sigh, “I don’t mind you calling me Jack. I would prefer to be called by my real name, but you seem to be ignoring my requests.”

“And will continue to.”

“But can you please not call me that? It is literally the most embarrassing name I’ve ever heard and I went through middle school. Just…don’t use the M-word. Alright?”

“Well you should have picked an easier name. Khajiit? It makes no sense! Why did you pick it?”

“Well, I would have called myself M’aiq, but then I’d be a liar.” Actually, I had thought of using M’aiq after I’d already named myself Khajiit. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. “It’s complicated. And has to do with the internet.”

“Then I don’t want to know. Just find some food. Your name is Mango so I expect mangos. Good luck.” Then he walked off.
I let out what might have been the loudest groan I’d ever uttered. Seriously, calling myself ‘Mango Jack?’ Even in private? If I could go back in time and find that bastard, I would-

Just calm down. Can’t change the past. If he ever tells anyone I’ll just rip his tongue out and be done with it. Now…I guess I should find some food.

Right on cue, my stomach went off. We had a light breakfast and trekking through the jungle’s a lot harder than you’d think. You really have to work to get through this terrain. And avoid quicksand. Nasty stuff.

On to the food. At the call of my stomach I started looking. It was surprisingly easy. Found some in the first ten minutes. Unfortunately, they were...mango trees.

He’s never going to let me live this down. I managed to climb up the tree using my blade as a sort of ice pick. Using them in conjunction with the claws on my other hand, I worked my way up to the lowest branch and sat down. The aggravating, yet tasty fruit was within easy reach.

That was the exact moment I realized I had nothing to hold them in.

“The things I do for food.” With great care not to rip it on my blade (I only realized later that I should have sheathed it beforehand…paw), I took off my shirt and used it as a sort of basket. With my blade, I sliced the fruit off at the stems and let them fall into the makeshift sack. When I had gathered enough for a small meal, I dropped down (still loving the cat reflexes). I ate half and saved the rest for Ren.

Then I waited for him for three hours.

“For Pete’s sake! It’s like my dad all over again!” The man will yell at you to get in the car because you’re late, then make you sit there for ten minutes. He has no sense of time.

I wish the witch had at least let me keep some of my stuff. Like my iPod. Sinatra makes everything better. Him and the Beetles, Motorhead, Rolling Stones, Dire Straits, all the classics. Screw dubstep, if you don’t like Sinatra, you don’t have a soul.

So I waited under the tree for Ren. I would like to say that during that time I contemplated such matters as life, social structure, and the possible existence of higher beings. Sadly, I was still pretty tired from getting up at five in the morning, so I mostly just sang Sinatra under my breath.

I was hallway through a passable edition of New York when he walked out of the trees and threw something at me.

“Catch.” Unfortunately, a week wasn’t long enough for me to learn to react with my left arm. I reached out with the prosthetic and saw the object bounce off the wood.

“Dammit!”

“Right…we’ll have to work on that.” I looked at him, trying with all my might to project ya think through my face. I think he got the message since he rolled his eyes at me. I suppose it was his right. After all, he did get me…wow.

Lying on the ground in front of me was a sword. Specifically as scimitar. The handle and sheath were done in black and inlaid with silver in the same design as my dagger. I slowly picked it up and (with a little work) unsheathed it. The blade was pure obsidian with two silver blood channels running up its curve. A glance at Ren showed he had an identical sword in his hand, only it was ivory and gold like my dagger. At his hilt was a black dagger to match mine.

“Where did you get this?”

“I found it. A long time ago...” He trailed off, maybe for a look at his memories. I didn’t really pay attention. I was too busy examining the sword. “Mine is called Lux. That one is Erebus. I believe they’re either enchanted or forged exceptionally well. A friend and I carried these blades and their accompanying daggers for years. During that time they never had to be sharpened. And they are sharp. Don’t expect to be killing any dragons with it, but most armor will fall before you.”

I stared at him. If what he said was true, then he’d just given me something equivalent to the master sword. He walked a few feet closer.

“Without your arm, you are going to be at a disadvantage no matter who you fight. You need and edge. So I figure, why not give you a sharp one,” he said with a smile.

“It’s beautiful,” I said sheathing it. I gave it a few practice swings. The sword was incredibly light and easy to move. Probably enchanted, that’s usually how these things work, right? “Are you sure you want me to have this? I mean, I don’t really know how to…SHIT!”

He came at me with his held high and I just barely managed to block in time. A muffled ring rang out as both of them were still inside their scabbards. He threw a few more slashes at me which I held off by the skin of my teeth. Still, I was screwed. He’d backed me up against the fruit tree, still raining blows. Somehow, I ducked into a roll and came up to the right, responding with a swipe of my own. He deflected it easily and came in high. I moved my sword to defend only to find his blade slapping against my legs. I’m still not sure how he did that.

In the span of a few seconds, he swept my legs out in front of me, slapped the flat of his blade against my head, kicked me so I’d roll over, and placed the tip of his sword against my throat.

“You’re dead,” he said.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” I yelled, ears still ringing from the slap.

“First off, you were completely unprepared for my attack. You should always be ready in case an opponent presents itself. Second, you let yourself get caught against something solid.” He flicked the scimitar at the tree for a second then returned it to my thyroid. “Although you did get out of it, if I was really trying, you would have been cut to ribbons. Always leave yourself room to work. Third, you were watching my hands, not my chest. If you were watching my chest, you would have seen me shift to your legs sooner, giving you more time to react. Any questions?”

“Yeah, what the fuck?”

“Like I said, I want to give you an edge. Sadly, an edge you can’t use isn’t an edge at all.” He took the blade away and held out a paw. “That’s why I’m going to teach you.”

“By kicking the crap out of me?” I took his paw and let him haul me to my feet. The pain in my head hadn’t even begun to recede. “That really hurt you know.”

“Life hurts. Anyone who says different is selling you something.” Damn that movie had some amazing quotes. “Besides, pain is an excellent teacher. You’ll learn if only to make it stop.” He walked over to the ‘fruit basket.’ It took exactly three seconds for him to break out into one of the biggest grins I’d ever seen.

“Not one word,” I warned him.

“Fair enough.” He strapped his sword across his back. He picked up the fruit and started walking. “Now then, let’s go over all the ways your stance was wrong.”

“You might want to hold off on that.”

“Why?” He turned back to me. I held out Erebus for him to see.

“I…can’t really strap it on with one hand…” I needed to find a replacement for this thing. Why couldn’t it have been my left hand? At least then I could write my fucking name. Which is NOT Mango Jack!

“Right…we’ll work on that to.”

The tapir stuck its head into the clearing seeing a small pile of berries arranged neatly in the center. Naturally it was suspicious. The jungle was a dangerous place. If it hadn’t learned this it wouldn’t be alive.

It sniffed the air, trying to find anything resembling danger. After assuring itself there was nothing in the clearing, the tapir shuffled towards the berries. It gently grabbed one with its mouth. Finding no traps, nor the taste of poison, the tapir swallowed the berry and dug into the rest of the pile.

I looked at Ren who was balanced in the tree across from me. He gave me a subtle nod.

I leaped from the tree right onto the back of the tapir. Falling from that height was enough to break its spine. I drew my blade across its throat to spare it any pain.

“Well done,” I heard him say as he dropped down beside me. I flashed him a smile for an answer and shouldered the pig like creature. Once it was back at our camp I’d learn how to skin. I never thought being arm deep in animal guts would sound exciting, but I guess times change.

“Kind of wish we had some spice,” I said as I laid another spit of meat over the fire. From the smell of it, tapir meat is a lot like pork, so for simplicities sake, pork it shall be. Ren was busy hanging up the leather gathered during his demonstration to dry. The rest of the meat we’d cut into strips and were busy smoking to make jerky. When the hide was dry he’d turn it into a backpack.

I have to say, I was picking this stuff up quick. On earth it would have taken weeks to learn even half of what I’d gotten in a few days. It might be a different make up in my brain. Or (far more likely) now I had an actual reason to learn these things. What would be a hobby there is life or death here. It’s only natural that I’d retain more skills when faced with this terrifying option.

Of course these are only theories. The answer could also be: It’s a cartoon. Who the fuck cares! I had an outline for Pete’s sake!

Anyway, I’d put the meat onto sticks along with some of the mangos (yeah, yeah, laugh it up) to give it some extra flavor. While Nadene had shown me a large amount of plants used in heath and mana potions (I had collected a lot of them so far) there really hadn’t been anything in the way of actual cooking knowledge. For some reason not even God could fathom, I had neglected to ask Rakk for cooking lessons. Honestly, I was a fucking idiot. I find what might be the greatest chef in the world and I don’t even try to-

My only warning was the nearly silent shuffling of Ren’s foot across the ground. I jumped over the fire to give myself some space. Sure enough, I felt his kick impact on my tail and hissed in pain. By the time I’d landed, he was already hallway around the fire and streaking toward me.

I used my wooden hand to block his punch and responded with a kick of my own. He jumped back and I took a step forward. I learned early on that fighting defensively just let him wail on me for a while. If I was going to have any chance at all I had to be aggressive. I combined that step with a punch and managed to give him a tap on the chest.

I received no real response so I advanced again and tried to deliver a haymaker with my prosthetic. Bad move. He sidestepped, grabbed my arm, stuck a leg out, and promptly flipped me onto my ass. As a final insult to my dignity, he kicked me in the head. Hard.

“You’re getting better. Actually hit me that time,” he said with the mirth of a man who just delivered a total ass-kicking.

“I feel so proud.” I sat up and rubbed my possibly cracked scalp. “What’d I do wrong that time?”

“You tried to put all your strength into one punch. Never do that unless it will absolutely assure you victory. Our people are built for speed. Use a series of light hits to frustrate and disorient your opponent, then go for the knockout when they’re worn down.”

“Got it.” It’s been like this for the past three days. Turns out what Ren calls 'Training' could be more accurately translated as 'kicking my ass.' Every night and morning (after dinner and breakfast respectively) we’d spar with the swords. Then throughout the day AND night, he’d attack me unarmed. He said it was to let me learn my own style and sharpen my reflexes, but I think it’s also just to fuck with me. Walking around with the constant possibility of attack wears on you. I’d never felt so tense, not even on my Spanish final when my grade for the class was a sixty-nine.

At least the advice made sense. I have never seen a fat member of my kind. Nearly all of them are lean, though the height can vary. Some of them are tall in a sort of elven look, while others are more like gymnasts in that…wait a second.

I had never heard Ren once call our species anything other than cat-people, our people, or a tribe name. I’d been here almost two weeks and I had no idea what I was.

“Ren, what are we?” He looked up from the drying wrack.

“What do you mean?”

“As a species. What is our kind called?”

“Oh. We don’t have a name.” Wait…what the fuck?

“How can our species not have a name?”

“We had one once, but it was lost.” This sentence was followed by five minutes of me staring at him while he dried leather. “I suppose you want me to tell you the story.”

“That would be nice.” He sighed. Heavily.

“Let me start out by saying I don’t actually know the name. No one does. Barely anyone even knows what happens.”
“And you just happen to be one of those people.”

“Yes, and even then it’s only a theory.”

“How do you know?”

“I found it in the same place I found the swords.”

“So Sitka knows to?"

He hit me with a glare so fierce it could make Kratos shit himself. He turned back to the leather and stopped talking. That children is what we call a fuck up.

“Look, I’m sorry…”

“Save it. We’re done talking.” Without warning he brought out the sticks we’d been using to spar with and threw one to me. They were curved in a way similar to the scimitars and were a real bitch to find. Still, I was slowly improving in my sword fighting from that first awful attempt.

Didn’t help at all since Ren was out for blood.

He came in fast, stick held low. I’d seen this trick, so I brought mine up high. They met with the dull clack of wood hitting wood. He followed up with a series of fast swings to all areas of my body. I blocked some of them, but he had more speed, more skill, and was far too angry to treat this as anything other than the beat down it was. Plus, I was still wonky with my left hand. I was on my way to becoming somewhat ambidextrous, but it was still a long way off.

Eventually, he got bored or figured I’d had enough. Ren swept my legs out from under me and broke his stick over my head.
“Never bring up my past. EVER. Don’t speculate about it, don’t think about it, and don’t ask about it. If I want to talk, I’ll start talking. Then you shut up, listen, and forget everything I tell you. Got it?” I nodded from my position on the ground. “Good. Your meat is burning.”

He walked back to the leather while I pulled myself up and tended the food. We ate in silence, skipped anymore training and went to sleep. Despite his warning, I thought about it. I came to one conclusion. Whatever he’d gone through to cause that reaction, it was much worse than I’d imagined

“Get up.” I felt Ren’s foot nudge me. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. “Come on. We’re still four days from the border.”

“You kicked my ass yesterday. I deserve to sleep in.”

“Alright fine.” Far too easy. IT’S A TRAP! “Don’t know why you’d want to cuddle with a snake, but whatever.”

“Snake?” Sitka already used that trick dumbass. Just to humor him (and in no way out of fear) I sat up and looked around. All I saw was Ren putting the finishing touches on a backpack he’d been making with the-

*Hissssssssssss*

“Snake!” With the speed of Hermes, my gaze snapped down to my legs. There, just hanging out on my feet, was a viper. “SNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAKE!”

With a kick that would have made an NFL player green with envy, I sent the snake flying off into the trees and backed up in the most undignified manor possible. That was by far the worst wakeup I’d ever had. Period.

“Soooo…you’re afraid of snakes?” I heard Ren ask.

“Terrified.”

“Why? Snakes aren’t that scary.”

“Well, you get locked in the garage with a rattler at six years old and see how you feel.” It was an accident mind you. I should not have left my room during naptime. Scariest fucking hour of my life.

“Hmmm…” I did not like that sound. I don’t know why, but I just knew that that sound and the smile that followed would be the death of me. “I think I can help.”

FUCK!

J.K.A.T.T.O.S.

“Ren, where are we going?”

“We are going someplace where you can face your fear of snakes.”

“Ahhh…right.”

Have you ever had someone tell you they are going to help you get over a fear, then refuse to explain how? I don’t think there is a situation more ominous in all of existence. I was being taken off our route to an unknown location that was most likely filled to the brim with snakes. He did not tell me how far it was or what we would do once we reached it. All he would say was that I would get over my fear or my fear would get me.

Like I said, ominous. I’m sure it was just to fuck with me though. Okay, that’s a lie. I HOPED it was just to fuck with me. He wouldn’t actually put me in a situation where I could die, right?

Right?

I don’t really know him at all do I? I’m following this guy and I have no idea who he is or what he’s done. He could be psychotic for all I know! And then there’s Sitka’s warning. What exactly did she mean when she said his worldview wasn’t the most pure?

Maybe I should have stayed at Valen. Sure I’d have to deal with the witch eventually, but really, what could a witch do to me? It wasn’t like she was a snake! Wait…can witches turn into snakes? Goddammit! What the hell have I gotten myself into?

“We’re here,” Ren said suddenly. Our destination seemed to be a hole in the ground. Some snakes live in holes in the ground.

“Great! What exactly is here?” I asked nervously.

“Take a look,” he said, holding his arms out towards it like the head waiter at a fancy restaurant. I got the distinct feeling something bad was in this cave. Something I’d rather not see. But my curiosity has always just been a little greater than my fear. So, like an idiot, I walked over to the hole and looked down.

“I don’t see any-SHIT!”

As most of you probably expected, Ren chose this moment to sneak up behind me and shove. It was only a ten foot drop, but it scared the crap out of me. I just barely managed to twist around on time to land on my feet. Still loving the cat spine by the way.

“Ren, WHAT THE HELL!” I called up to him. I’d landed in a small underground cavern overgrown with vines and moss. There was a tunnel entrance behind me that led to…someplace dark. I had a very bad feeling about it which naturally meant I was going to have to go in it. Fun, fun.

“I’m helping you get over your fear of snakes.”

“By shoving me down a fucking hole?”

“Yes. The only way out is through that tunnel.”

“How does that…there’s something bad in there, isn’t there?”

“Depends on your perspective.”

I put the bet at nine to one odds I have the wrong perspective.

“Just lower a vine or something for me to climb up!”

“No can do. Consider this your first test.”

“First test…hey! Where are you going?”

“See you on the other side Jack!” Ren’s face disappeared from the hole, leaving me alone in the semi-dark cavern.

“REN! COME BACK AND GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU SADISTIC OLD FUCK!” No response. I wasn’t really expecting any. I just wanted him to know that no matter what he says, seventy-six is old and I would never let him forget it.

“FUCK!” Honestly, I knew he was going to pull a stunt like this. He likes to mess with me. I skipped three days of travel because it’s three days I’d rather forget. So many fruit jokes…

Nothing to do but climb the walls. Plenty of vines and handholds. Shouldn’t be much of a problem…

I was cut off by a loud grinding sound.

Yeah, Ren was crazy.

“NONONONONO!” I jumped at the wall and started climbing as fast as I could. And, because fate hates me especialy, the vines were slippery. Having only one hand meant my grip wasn’t that strong. I managed to get about a foot off the ground before the boulder Ren was pushing fit snugly over the hole.

I was now trapped in a dark hole with the only way out being a long dark tunnel that I’m 99% sure contains snakes.
Here we go.

The tunnel was dark, but I didn’t really have any problems seeing (NIGHTVISION). There must have been a source of light somewhere. The problem was the vines everywhere. I had very good reason to suspect every single one was a snake. There were also quite a few big spiders here and there, but they’re just spiders. Not a big deal.

Ultimately, it was a long, tense, yet boring walk. Nothing happened. At all. I spent the entire time jumping at shadows.

I think Ren’s lost it. Wait…

“Oh shit.”

Ripped straight out of (insert piece of media with ancient temples here) was a giant stone archway. Scrawled completely with large…elaborate…terrifying carvings.

Of snakes.

He expected me to go through what is obviously a snake god’s temple.

…
“When I get out of here, I am going to FEED REN HIS TAIL!”

I closed my eyes and charged through the door.

Dumbest fuck move ever.

Treasure hunter rule 1: There are ALWAYS traps. The only warning I got was the sound of the release on the pressure plate five feet in the entrance. I went into a roll and got out of the way a second for the blade smashed down from the ceiling. Nicked a bit of fur off my tail.

What have we learned?

Rouges are the best class. They have trap detection. Also: KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES OPEN DUMBASS!

“Okay. Let’s try this again.” This time, I was slow. You could never be too careful. Not where there are traps and definitely not where there are snakes. Once again, night vision. You try to raid these places without that or a torch and you’re just asking for it. Still, where was the light source?

“Just keep calm. You did this all the time in Skyrim. There isn’t even any undead here! At least I hope n-STOP THAT! Just…focus on the mission. You’ve received a side-quest from a random villager. You’re even a Khajiit! Just like in the game! Everythings-”

*Hisssssssssssss*

With the dumbest expression a cat could make, I looked to my right to see a snake hanging down from a tree root. Right in front of my face.

*Hisssssssssssss*

“Going…to kill…Ren…with…his own…sword!”

Blind runs down ancient tunnels filled to the brim with traps and snakes are not fun. Especially when you’re going fifty and screaming your head off cause you noticed half the ‘vines’ are actually various species of viper. And when you have to constantly avoid snake pits, giant blades out of nowhere, poisoned darts, and a rickety rope bridge. Surprisingly enough, the only cliché I didn’t run into was the boulder. Looks like I was the only Tom here.

And I still hadn’t gotten to the exit. Most likely because I hadn’t fought the boss yet. And you know what’s that’s going to be.

“Scratch that. I’m going to CASTRATE HIM WITH HIS OWN SWORD!”

Remember how I said the first arch scared me? The second arch was worse. There was only one carving. A really. Really. REALLY big carving of a giant snake. A really terrifying giant snake. It had a dragonish head (Eragon type, not MLP) and small spines stretching out all over its body.

“Great. Just fucking great.”

I was willing to wait there until Ren came down to get me (I still had enough respect for him to believe he would) until the hissing from back in the tunnel reminded me I wasn’t alone. With a deep breath and a heart beating like a jack-hammer, I walked slowly through the doorway.

“We are going to get sued for this.”

Imagine with me for a second. You are an adventurer seeking your fortune. You’ve made it through the traps and trials and are now entering the sacred chamber. Grinning with anticipation, you stick your head inside the doorway to see this final room.

Whatever you imagined, add a snake motif and that’s exactly what I found. Big stone room, strange vine covered carvings, and a big hole in the ceiling fifty feet above me with a light shining down onto the pedestal in the center of the room. And on that pedestal was, you guessed it, a golden snake. A small bird flew through the hole above me, making a panicked chirp.
The only thing missing was a Lucasarts logo.

“At least I found the way out.” More climbing. Yay! Seriously, it was hard enough when I had both hands (yes I’m back to calling them hands, deal with it). There was a particularly large root hanging on the wall opposite me so I figured that would be a good place to start.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Grudgingly, I walked into what is presumably the sacred chamber of the snake god and made my way to the other side. My eyes were glued to the walls for signs of the giant snake years of media had told me should be here.

I skirted around the pedestal, not wanting to go near it. Not because I was afraid of the idol, but because it was probably trapped. Actually, I was one hundred percent sure it was trapped. Considering my recent experience with traps, I’d like to keep a ten foot distance between me and them at all times. Besides, I wasn’t here for treasure.

So I did the unthinkable and skipped out on the loot (all those wasted hours on Diablo), going straight to the root on the wall. With absolutely no hesitation, I started climbing. I whistled the theme from Indiana Jones to keep my mind from wandering. Yet another thing we were going to be sued for. I mean come on! Hallway full of traps, large creepy sacred chamber, possibly cursed treasure. The only thing I hadn’t run into was-

*HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

Well I was asking for it.

“What have we here?”

Eeyup. It was a TALKING giant snake that was currently slithering out of a hole in the corner of the ceiling. It turned and started coming down the wall in a circular motion. A wall I vacated pretty fucking quick. And of course, it looked exactly the same as the giant carving on archway. Only with gold scales, black eyes, and black tips on its…spine things.

“A little thief in my temple? Come to steal my treassssures.”

The snake reached the floor and coiled up, letting its head lift high above me. I meanwhile, nervously backed up until I ran into the pedestal. Which I got behind. Immediately.

“Do you have any idea how many have tried for that little beauty before you? If I had armssssss, I could build mysssself a houssssse with their bonessss.” That was a truly terrifying statement. Especially when you take into account how huge it was. I’m not going to go into actual footage (mostly because I don’t want to), but it could probably eat a cow in one bite.

“I sssssuppose you tripped all the trapsssss?” I managed to force my rapidly freezing nervous system to order a nod. “Great. Do you know how hard it issss to resssset thosssse every time ssssome idiot comessss along and diessss on them? And you made it all the way through! That’s yearssss of work you imbecile!”

He let out an angry hiss. I felt myself back up into the morning. He swayed around the pedestal, coming ever closer to me. I felt my function control eroding. Starting with my bladder.

“Sssso, you going to fight or just ssssit againsssst the wall and cry?” I said nothing. Just sat against the wall. But I didn’t cry. That’s something right? “Fantasssstic. I just love the tasssste of pissss.” The snake lifted its head high above me. “Well, let’ssss get thissss over with. Any lasssst words?” Honestly, I just wanted to curse out Ren, but my higher functions had left for the moment, so I really couldn’t do anything but stare at it wide eyed. “Too bad. I’ve gotten ssssome pretty impressssive one linerssss through the yearsss. Ssssee you on the other sssside thief.”

His head came down lightning quick and I closed my eyes and accepted the inevitable.

…

What gives?

Slowly, ever so slowly, I opened my eyes to see the giant beast’s face hovering just a foot away from my own.

“BOO!”

With a shriek that would have put any Girl Scout troop to shame, I jumped ten feet in the air and hugged the wall for dear life. I felt sweat (IT WAS SWEAT I SWEAR) trickle down my legs. Behind me was the horrible sound of…laughter.

The giant terrifying snake that, until a few seconds ago, was about to eat me was now busy laughing his ass(?) off.

The fuck?

“It’s been far too long since I’ve gotten to do that.” The snake wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. “ And I believe congratulations are in order! You just set a new height record for non-flying creatures!” He gave me the snake equivalent of a smile while I stared dumbly at him. It seemed my brain had stopped working for the moment. “I suppose you want an explanation?” I somehow managed a nod. “Let’s see…”

“A long time ago the snake god created that little guy on the pedestal there (no I don’t know what it does) and charged me with guarding it. He granted me eternal life and increased size to do so. Over the years, many would be adventurers showed up wanted to claim it. Eventually I got tired of eating them and figured out most would leave willingly when confronted by a giant snake. So now I get my kicks from scaring idiots who decide to raid ancient temples. Understand?”

Processing…

Stupid? Yes, but the logic was sound. Perhaps it was his now friendly demeanor or the jump scare wearing off, but I found my voice buried under so many layers of fear.

“So you’re not going to eat me?” I choked out.

“Are you going to take my treasure?” he asked, malice gathering behind every word.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” I squeaked.

“Then no,” he said with a face that wouldn’t have been out of place on a lolcat. “I am Atheris, Avatar of the Snake God.”

“Khajiit.” I slowly climbed back down the wall. Fear still twisted my gut in ten places, but it didn’t look like Atheris was planning on eating me, so it wasn’t function stopping like before. Still, I was probably going to have nightmares for weeks.

“Hmmm…” He gave me the famous ‘not-sure-if’ look.

“What?”

“Are you sure that’s your name? It doesn’t sound right to me.”

“It’s my name,” I deadpanned.

“Are you su-”

“Yes I’m sure! And what the hell happened to your lisp?”

“My lisp? Oh! You mean the ssssssss thing. I just do that to scare tourists. Gotta go for the full effect you know.” He coiled back on himself. I think that’s how he slouched. “So…what brings you here?” Well…he’s not going to eat me. Why lie?

“My jackass friend found out I was afraid of snakes, so he threw me down here to help me get over it.”

“Seems to be working. You’re not afraid right now.”

“I’m terrified. I don’t even know how I’m talking to you right now.”

“Hmmm…well you shouldn’t be. Most snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.” He leaned in close and whispered into my ear. “Some of your kind considers them a delicacy.” He shuddered, as if eating snakes was the most detestable thing in the world when he practically admitted to eating my species. To each their own I guess. “No point in being afraid of them. Most sentients are too big to eat so as long as you’re not actively bothering them, they should leave you alone.”

“Believe me, we’ll have no problems there.” He laughed and I managed a small smile. “Still going to kill Ren though…”

“Ren! Is that bastard still lazing around? Haven’t seen him in years.” Now that I didn’t expect.

“You know Ren?”

“Cat-man, silver-fur, blue eyes, complete bastard?” I nodded. “Yep. He and his girlfriend came down here a few score years back looking for treasure. Scared them off that pretty quick.” He used his tail like a knuckle to brush some nonexistent dust off his nonexistent shoulder. “Anyway, you said you wanted to find the exit, right?”

“Yeah. I’m guessing that’s it.” I pointed to the hole in the ceiling.

“Only way out on this end. Why didn’t you just climb out the other hole?”

“Ren put a rock over.” Atheris burst out laughing.

“Classic! Good to see he’s found a sense of humor.”

“Yeah. It’s great.” I’m going to feed him to a swarm of driver ants.

“I’m sure it is. Well, I have a ton of traps to reset so we might want to wrap this up.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. It gives me something to do. Sitting around guarding a statue all day leaves you with a surprising amount of free time.” He brought his head down closer to my face. “I can give you a lift if you want.” For whatever reason, his tongue chose that moment to taste the air and the end slapped me in the face.

“EWW!” I wiped off my face and looked at him. “Gross! Be careful with…”

Atheris was giving me a blank stare. With no warning, he licked me. No I’m serious. A giant snake straight up licked me.

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

“So you are a thief!” he roared. Gone was the relaxed demeanor he displayed just moments before. Now his face was full of a fury more terrible than anything I’d ever seen before.

Really glad I’d skipped breakfast that morning.

“I didn’t steal anything!”

“LIAR!” His tail came around and threw me forward. Atheris began circling me quickly, trapping me in his coils. I had maybe three feet to move in each direction. “The stench of demons is on you! Who summoned you thief? ANSWER!”

“I don’t know-”

“DO NOT LIE TO ME!”
“Somnambula! She said her name was Somnambula!” He looked thoughtful, like he was remembering something far away.

“That name I do not know. It still does not change your fate.” The serpent reared up in front of me until his head was two stories off the ground. “Though I weep for the fate of that poor man, such a crime cannot go unpunished. DIE DEMON!”

His head came charging down. Everything seemed to slow, just like in the jungle. Oddly enough, I felt calm. My fear didn’t go away; it was more like I shoved it to the background. Fear wasn’t useful.

Jumping. Now that was useful.

Once again saving myself through instinct alone, I leaped to the side just before his head crashed into the floor. I hopped onto one of his coils and down the other side. In a second, Erebus was out and my arm was swapped for the blade.
I’d be terrified later. I had a snake to kill!

Said snake let out a furious hiss. Instinct had saved me numerous times so far, so I let it take me to the left. I narrowly avoided being crushed. The impact of snake on wall was enough to shake a few stones loose from the roof. With lightning speed, he turned to me and lunged forcing me into another jump. I leaped up onto his back and, without even thinking about it, stabbed down with the dagger.

The scales parted easily and my blade sank hilt deep into snake flesh. There was a cry of pain and the coil below me twisted. I withdrew the blade and leaped onto the pedestal into the center. Atheris seemed to be a bit stunned. He must not get hurt often. It gave me a few seconds to think.

This room isn’t that big, but he is. I’ll need to keep moving to avoid getting cornered. My blades can pierce his scales. I guess dragons’ are stronger. One solid thrust to the head with Erebus should kill him. If he can be killed that is.

DON’T THINK LIKE THAT! He can be killed and you’re going to do it. It doesn’t matter that he’s the avatar of the snake god. Or that he’s a snake. A really…really…big fucking snake.

But what did he mean when he said-

Atheris snapped his gaze to me. His eyes were filled with pure hate. The sight nearly stopped my heart.

QUESTION LATER! KILL NOW!

He sprang at me and I dropped to the floor. He was going for over the pedestal so I got a good view of his sliceable underbelly. I held up Erebus, allowing the snakes momentum to deliver a long, shallow cut. Not enough to be lethal, but it should sting enough to limit his movement.

“I don’t want to fight you!” I screamed at him.

“IT DOES NOT MATTER! YOU MUST DIE FOR YOUR CRIME!”

“What crime?”

“AS IF YOU DON’T KNOW! THOUGH IT MAY TAKE WEEKS FOR THE TASTE TO LEAVE MY MOUTH, I WILL END YOU!”

What taste? I know I haven’t really been bathing as much as I would’ve liked but-

I forgot to watch the tail, which slapped me into the wall at high speed.

Right. Question later. Kill now.

Ignoring what might have been a cracked rib; I leaped above the snake’s next strike and landed once more on his back. I was overusing this tactic, but there wasn’t much else to do. I delivered three quick cuts to keep him mad. As Ren told me many times, anger equals mistakes. It was important to keep a level head at all times.

It worked. The snake let out another hiss of rage and jumped off the wall, trying to squish me between two places on his back. I laid down and held my swords straight up. Both cut deep into the enraged beast. I was nearly killed in the process, but the damage the move caused was worth it.

The two halves separated and I rolled off the coil. I winced when I felt my bruised chest. Atheris didn’t seem to be faring any better. He was writhing on the ground in agony.

“Last chance snake. Let me go now and we both walk out of here.” All I got in response was a stare that could match up to Fluttershy. At a speed I couldn’t hope to match, he charged forward and pulled me up into the air.

As his jaws snapped closed, I lifted Erebus straight in his path. The bottom jaw pushed me and my blade forward. The scimitar cut through his pallet, straight into the brain, and out the other side.

There was a mighty shudder and a final hiss. Then, the head of the snake god’s avatar started to sway. It landed on its side and went still.

With me still inside.

FUCK! I was trapped in Atheris’s jaws. It wasn’t strong enough to crush me, but I couldn’t breathe. The snake’s fangs were on either side of me. Just a couple inches to the side and I would have been skewered. I wondered if that was preferable to being suffocated.

I had another problem. Now that the fight was over, fear was slowly creeping back into my mind. I had to get out of here now or I’d freeze up and die. With no other options, I positioned myself as best I could and started to push. The head was laying on its side so it wasn’t like I had to lift the entire weight. It was still heavy as fuck!

A strange fuzziness was clouding the edges of my vision. If I didn’t get air soon, I’d pass out. With a grunt I shoved forward, feeling the dead reptile’s head slide a little on the blade. Would be so much easier if I used a straight sword. Finally, it gave way enough to give me room to move. I worked my legs up to my chest and pushed.

There was a wet, cracking sound as I forced the snake’s mouth open. I took in a shuddering breath as the two walls of flesh separated. With no hesitation, I grabbed my sword and pulled. The blade slid out with very little resistance. I don’t know what it was made out of, but it’s good stuff. Then I crawled across one of the fangs until I pulled myself out of his mouth.

For a time I just laid their on the ground. I curled up into the fetal position, covered in a mixture of snake spit and blood, and just let myself shake for a while.

After a time I felt something nudging me. Not a large something, or very insistent, just something gently trying to get my attention. I obliged it and was greeted with something that chilled me to the bone.

The statue from the pedestal was curled up in front of me, staring with it’s very alive, onyx black eyes. Without a sound, it slithered over to my left arm. The tiny serpent quickly wrapped itself around my remaining wrist and flashed brightly. When the light faded, a solid gold and onyx, snake shaped bracelet had taken its place.

I sat there staring wide eyed. I’m pretty sure my brain had shut down. A statue had just come alive and attached itself to my wrist. What the hell do you say to that?

“I need a drink.”

Yeah, that works.

“Ah, you’re back. How was your trip?”

After much climbing, a few healing potions (I’m surprised they didn’t break, but the Vren make strong glass), and some tracking, I managed to work my way to campsite Ren had set up. I found him cooking meat and smoking what appeared to be a cigar made out of dock leaves. The smile on his face disappeared the second he saw my new bracelet.

“How the hell did you-”

“SHUT UP!” He looked at my unbelievably furious face and beat up look. His eyes went suitably wide.

“Did you kill-”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“He tried to eat me!” Ren’s shocked look changed to one of confusion.

“Atheris wouldn’t do that unless…” His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Did you try to steal the serpent?”

“No.”

“You’re wearing it. I know it’s pretty, but…”

“I didn’t try to steal it! We were talking and he licked me and I guess I…tasted wrong or something. Pretty fucking ironic considering he actively tried to SWALLOW ME WHOLE!”

“Wait…Atheris…licked you?”

“Yes.”

“Disgusting!”

“It was. Especially when I killed him and was TRAPPED INSIDE HIS MOUTH!” The old cat had just enough decency to look ashamed. “And to top it off, I can’t get this stupid thing off!” I held up the serpent which hadn’t done anything since it crawled onto my wrist. “And what the hell are you smoking?”

“Nepta Cataria.” Yes, you heard him right.

“Catnip?”

“Catnip.”

“You’re smoking catnip.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It’s relaxing. Want some?” He held up a second cigar apologetically. I took it (along with a spit of meat off the fire) cautiously.

“What exactly will this do to me?”

“If you smell it, you’ll get a rush of adrenalin and feel like nothing is wrong with the world. When eaten or smoked, however, it is a natural relaxant.” He leaned back and took another long drag. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I’ve never known Atheris to attack without reason.” He actually did look sorry.

“You’re just lucky I’m too tired to kick your ass.” I sat down by the fire and lit the end of the cigar. I’ll try anything once, as long as it doesn’t kill and/or maim me. I held the length of burning leaf to my lips and took a puff.

Needless to say, after a few minutes of coughing (in which Ren didn’t laugh once surprising) I managed to get the hang of it. Getting high in the middle of the jungle doesn’t seem like a smart move, but I needed to relax somehow. I’m pretty sure what I really needed was a drink, but alcohol wasn’t readily available, so catnip would have to do.

He was right though. I actually began to relax after a bit. It wasn’t really a strong high, I just suddenly felt very calm. Almost as if I could just fall asleep right there. But I didn’t. There were still a few more things to consider.

I killed a snake. A giant snake! A giant SENTIENT snake. And…I was okay with it. It was a snake after all. That tried to eat me. And nearly succeeded. And it’s always easier the second time.

But there was one more thing bothering me.

“Ren, are there any tribes like me?” He opened his eyes and looked at me over the fire. I think he was trying to sleep.

“What do you mean?”

“Do any of the tribes share my coloring? Dark brown with green eyes?” He rubbed his chin in thought.

“Well, I don’t know what brown or green look like so I can’t really help you there.” Right…colorblind. I have to remember that. “There are a few that are similar shades, but that’s really all I can tell you. I haven’t met every tribe personally. You’d have to find them yourself to know for sure. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.”

The way Atheris had talked…I’d thought about it ever since leaving the ruins. There were only two possibilities that made sense.

The first was that he just smelled my human origins mixed with whatever Somnambula smells like. I had no problems believing she was a demon. The second…

Who’s body is this?

A message from the author:

First off, I mad a minor change to chapters four and five. The witch's deadline is now one year instead of till the wedding. That was in relation to a plan that is no longer in effect.

Second, for those wondering, the snake bracelet and Atheris look like this:

Thanks for reading!

Could Have Gone Better

“Figure it out yet?” I stopped staring into the snake’s eyes long enough to answer Ren.

“No.” We were two days from the snake temple (a place we both decided to never visit/talk about ever again) and during that time the bracelet had sat on my wrist and refused to come off.

“You can’t rush these things. Just let it alone and its secrets will be revealed when you need them.”

“Thank you oh wise master. You truly are the Yoda of Equestria.”

“Who’s Yoda?”

“A mystical green midget.” For that line I received one arched eyebrow.

“You humans are weird.”

“Oh you have no idea. The stuff on Rule 34 alone…”

“What’s rule 34?”

ABANDON THREAD!

“Nothing! Nothing at all!”

“Are you sure? It sounds like something.”

“It’s not. Can we change topics please?”

“Does it have something to do with the internet?”

“Yes and that’s all I’m going to say about it.”

“But…”

“Ren, consider this a subject on par with your past! It is something you do not want to know! I will only tell you if you absolutely need to know, which will never be the case! Ever! For the sake of both our sanities drop the subject now and never pick it up!”

The sheer amount of anger I displayed made his jaw dropped. Maybe I overreacted, but come on! Can you imagine actually explaining rule 34 to someone? It’s just one of those things you’re supposed to discover by accident one day, vow never to go near again, and then return to once your curiosity overwhelms you.

“All that rant did was make me want to know more!”

“Well tough shit because I’m sure as hell not having this conversation with you!”

We spent the next half hour in absolute silence. We just kept moving north. To Equestria. The excitement had kind of worn off by now, but it was still cool. And if we were going to the Everfree forest, it might not be too much trouble to take a detour to Ponyville. The residents might be frightened by a couple of cat people showing up out of nowhere, but I’m sure…

What the fuck?

“What’s that sound?"

“I…don’t know.” A strange droning sound filled the air accompanied by the faint smell of…something. It was familiar, like I’d heard it before. And it was coming from behind the next cluster of trees.

We shared a glance. Wordlessly, the both of us drew our blades and slowly walked around the tree. What we found…

“SWEET GODS OF FUCK!”

It MIGHT have been a panther. Once. Now it was just a rotting lump of diseased flesh. A swarm of flies surrounded the carcass and even from twenty feet away we could see maggots crawling around inside it. Judging by the cracked bones, the thing had been partially eaten and left to rot. I really hoped it died first.

At least I knew what the sound was. It was the drone of thousands of flies swarming the corpse. Far too many to be natural. Something else was at play here.

“What did this?” I asked Ren. He pulled a couple strips of spare leather out of his bag and handed one to me. Following his lead, I tied it around my face as a makeshift medical mask.

“I don’t know.” We approached the corpse cautiously. As we did so, the flies scattered. Even through the leather, the stench was unbearable. Ren leaned down and started examining the ground around the creature. “This was not some random occurrence.”

“What do you mean?”

“There is a small pile of ashes over here, as well as flattened grass. There are a few holes in the ground. Probably where they placed torches. There are footprints everywhere in sets of two. Bipedals. These were thinking creatures.” I gave it a look. Sure enough, there were signs of intelligent life here. I followed one set of tracks to the edge of the clearing. They continued off into the jungle.

“Could one of the other tribes have done this? Maybe the Lacuni.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Even the Lacuni are respectful enough to bury their waste.” He looked distastefully at a small pile of…leavings piled up against the black tree. “And even then, I don’t know of any tribes that could do…that to a tree.”

“Hmmm…” I stared at the scene around me. It was strange. The undergrowth wasn’t the vibrant green that blanketed most of the forest. Everything in a fifty foot radius had turned an ugly yellow. It was…unnerving. “It looks like they were headed east.”

“Yes. They were…” He trailed off and got this look on his face. It was a look I’d come to associate with in deep thought. “Whatever did this is obviously dangerous. To us, to the wildlife, and to anyone stupid enough to cross paths with them.” I nodded in agreement.

“We have to warn people about…whatever this is.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right. If they can do that to one of the jungle’s great hunters then they are obviously a threat. And all the dead plants…” He let out a heavy sigh. “It doesn’t bode well.”

“So…east then?”

“Yes.” He took another glance at the corpse. “But first, we need to take care of the body.” I nodded and the two of us got started on a fire.

“Found another one.” Three days, three more camps. Each fresher than the last. We were gaining on them. And we were slowly becoming more and more pissed. At nearly every sight there was the corpse of a random animal. Sometimes they were even strewn about the path, uneaten. Whatever the hell these things were. They killed for fun and the bodies they left were ALWAYS diseased.

“They’re still moving east. Come on. If we hurry we can catch them soon.” I nodded and the two of us quickly burned the slain tapir and dashed off.

We ran in silence. There was nothing to say. What had started out as a simple run of curiosity was quickly turning into a manhunt. If we actually caught these people, blood was nearly a certainty.

I was actually enjoying the hunt. There was a certain excitement attached to chasing an unknown enemy. The sense of danger and discovery was…exhilarating. And there was the added bonus of keeping my mind off…certain things.
When this game is over, my therapy bill is going to be huge. I just know it.

After two hours of following the painfully obvious trail (definitely not natives) we heard it again. Flies were drawn to their kills. I don’t know why, but something spoils them somehow. The thought of even the killers eating them is enough to make my stomach turn.

“Sounds like a big one. Maybe multiple bodies.”

“Right. Be cautious. This could be a trap.” We put on the leather cloths we’d been using as facemasks and crept towards the source of the noise. Three days of this and the smell would still get me every time. I imagined it would be like living in Europe during the time of the bubonic plague. Except without all the religious…

“Oh god.”

Instead of an animal we found five people. Grey cats who were rotting in the heat. Three of them were lying haphazardly on the ground, various wounds showing what killed them. Another was lying in a pile of soot next to a tree. Most of the flesh was gone, leaving a pile of blackened bones. It was obvious he’d been burned alive.

But the fifth…she was the worst. They’d nailed her to a tree with arrows and…If you’ve ever seen Event Horizon…the scene in the medical bay. You know the one.

All of them were covered head to toe in flies and maggots.

I ran back into the jungle and left my breakfast on the forest floor. The battles I’d been in, all two of them, they weren’t like that. The losers died quickly and were hopefully spared too much pain.

This was DELIBERATE TORTURE! The first three were killed in the actual fight, but the other two had been left alive and killed for amusement! The animals I could handle. There’s just something different when you know that the corpse had been a walking, thinking creature.

“Are you all right?” Ren had followed me and was now giving me that look people give you when asking if you’re all right when you clearly aren’t.

“What the hell was that?”

“A Voltess hunting party. Or at least it was.” He turned his gaze back to the sight. I knew what he was going to say and I dreaded it. “We need to take another look. Maybe find some clues as to who did this.” I grimaced.

“I don’t want to go back there.”

“I know, but we have to.” There was no doubt we’d catch them. Every day we got a little closer. But we had no idea who they were, how many there were, or what kind of weapons they had besides bows. If we were going to have any chance when we caught up to these guys, we needed info.

Glumly, I followed him back into the clearing.

“Whoever they were, they’re trained. The Voltess are strong. I don’t see one enemy body. Either they bury their dead or it was an ambush.”

“They don’t have any conscious either,” I said while trying not to stare at the vivisected woman. “They won’t hesitate in a fight.”

“Unless they’re cowards, but that’s unlikely. I don’t think they stayed here that long. The undergrowth is still alive.” Another notable feature of our enemy was that they seemed to kill plant life passively. The grass turned yellowish brown and died anywhere the creatures stayed more than a few hours. It was extremely unnerving.

“What could do something like this?”

“No idea. Outcasts sometimes snap and turn to torture, but that wouldn’t explain the rot.” He brought his face close to one of the injuries on a corpse. How he could stand the smell, I’d never known. “I want to say a diseased animal did this, but that wouldn’t explain the campsites, the arrows, or these wounds.”

“Maybe a local tribe caught something. Like a rage virus.” He gave me a blank look.

“Do I even want to know what a rage virus is?”

“Well, it’s kind of like a zombie virus except-”

“Stop right there.” That blank look had changed to one that said ‘your idea is stupid, and you should feel stupid.’ “If you start spouting nonsense about the undead then I will drag you back to Valen and have Rakk examine your head.”

“Fine. But when were holed up in a shopping center and the horde eats your face, don’t come crying to me.”

“Noted.” He turned back to the scene and muttered something along the lines of ‘crazy humans.’ “Still, you might be on to something. If a tribe caught a disease that turned them violent, it’s likely they would go on some kind of rampage. But that still doesn’t explain the dead plants.”

“Magic?”

“Obviously.” Cartoon logic and magic. With those four words I can explain anything in the universe. “Definitely not Equestrian. They’re all happy sunshine up there.”

“Glad that’s where were headed then. Aren’t there other creatures with magic?”

“Tons, but none I know of with powers like this.” He stood up and looked to the east. “We’ll know soon enough. These corpses are fresh. If we move now we might catch them tomorrow night.” He stood up and started moving.

“Wait.” He looked back at me. His expression annoyed. “Shouldn’t we…you know?” I motioned at the remains.

“No. Leave them for the Voltess.” At my questioning look he explained. “Each tribe has different burial rituals. I don’t know what the Voltess do, so burning them could jeopardize them religiously. I would rather not have a group of experienced hunters after us. Besides…” He trailed off for a moment. “They deserve to know what happened. No matter how horrible it is.”

It made sense I guess. If something happened to one of my family, I’d rather know than be left wondering. Were my family looking for me? I’d been gone for nearly three weeks. Were they wondering what happened to me? And…

This body I’m using. Was his family missing him?

I cut that train of thought. No good would come from pursuing it. Besides, Ren was already moving. I didn’t want to get lost.

Again.

Don’t ask.

I followed him for a moment, but something made me stop. I couldn’t put these bodies to rest, but there was one thing I could do.

Solemnly, I walked over to the gutted woman and gently closed her eyes.

It was time.

Ren had been wrong. We found there next campsite almost immediately. The creatures weren’t traveling during the day, they were traveling at night. And we were right on top of them.

We got a good sleep that night, planning to ambush them right in the middle of the day. Hopefully we’d have an advantage. The marks had become clearer as we’d gotten closer. There were at least ten. Maybe more. It was enough to make us discuss getting help from another tribe.

In the end we dismissed the notion. At least until we figured out what we were up against. Begging for help with hard facts generally worked better than using guesswork and assumptions.

And those facts would become clear in just a few moments. The creatures had camped just beyond this group of trees. The two of us crept across the branches (I’d gotten pretty good at tree-walking) towards the sound of their campfire.
Quiet as can be, the two of us peaked out of the leaves into the clearing. There, I got my first look at something I’ve come to hate more than anything else.

“Skaven.”

Now if you are a Warhammer addict or have read Gotrek and Felix (incredible books) you know what Skaven are. Disgusting little rat people who seek to destroy the surface world and all who dwell upon it. The Equestrian version? They’re taller at least. About six feet.

Before me I could see a group of them lounging around a campfire. Why they had a campfire in the middle of the day I would never figure out. They were essentially rats in man’s clothing. Most of them just wore what looked like leather jerkins. They were carrying swords, spears, looked like one or two had axes.

But there was one off to the side and by all the gods that ever existed, he was REPULSIVE. The…thing was decked out in green robes and wearing a bandolier covered in vials. Even from this distance I could see an uncountable amount of sores, open wounds, cysts, and things I don’t even know the name for! Nor do I want to! Hell, I could SMELL him from where I was! New Delhi sewer workers would flee from him. At least we know what was killing the grass. All the plants around him were slowly dying.

A final Skaven was hiding in the shade under the trees. I couldn’t get a good look at him. Only thing I could tell was he wearing black robes with the hood drawn up and had a staff with a black jewel on top.

Practically screamed shadow priest.

“How do you know what Skaven are?” I asked Ren. He looked at me with surprise.

“How do you? The legend is known only by our people.”

“There were some of the main villains in a book I used to read. What do you mean legend?”

“I always thought they were just a story told to kits so they’d stay in the village at night. I never actually thought…” He trailed off for a few moments, staring at the creatures with a mix of horror and revulsion.

“Uh, Ren? The legend?”

“Right. I’ll skip the theatrics. Essentially, they are a race of vicious rat people that live deep underground between the pits of hell. They hate all surface dwellers and go out of their way to bring misery and death upon them. They are masters of disease and shadow magic’s and uses them to great effect. The legend says they steal away idiot children who leave town at night.”

“Disease and shadow magic, don’t like people up here, nocturnal, and essentially bogeymen that no one believes in. Anything else.” He thought for a few moments.

“Well, that…thing over there and the one under the tree certainly prove that they have magic. The legend also said they worship the number thirteen. They always travel in groups of that number.”

“So there are thirteen down there?”

“I would assume. Start counting.”

Let’s see…there’s the three soldiers they left up as sentries. About…seven more sleeping around the fire. That…thing. And last but not least, we have shadow boy over in the corner. That adds up to…

“I got twelve.”

“Same. Too close to be a coincidence.”

“Then where’s number thirteen?”

“Right behind you.”

For a moment, there was absolute silence save to the sound a bow being drawn. It really allowed me to appreciate our stupidity.

“We really should have seen this coming.”

“Probably. I’ve been following you idiots for the past two hours.” His voice was surprisingly normal. I expected something higher or rougher. Didn’t even have an accent. “And are we really a legend?” Ren slowly nodded. The bastard behind us laughed. “Nice to know the Bast still remember us.”

“Bast?” I heard Ren mutter.

“Now then. Would you prefer to be made into hats or boots?” I could literally here the sneer in his voice.

“Hmm…” I pretended to think about it for a moment, because…well what the fuck was I supposed to do. “Tough choice. I’ve never been a hat person, but I hate feet. Could I be made into a coat?”

“HA! Sure. We’ll count that as you’re last request. Now drop.”

I looked over to Ren. He nodded solemnly and jumped out of the tree. I followed. The three sentries were waiting for us, blades drawn. Now that I was closer I could see that each of them had plain brown fur. Their faces were essentially just a rats muzzle with red irises.

“Look! More kitties to play with!”

“Aren’t they cute?”

The one in the center very forcefully pointed his spear towards the campsite. The meaning behind it being obvious, we began walking. The three rats took up positions to the front and sides with our unknown assailant taking up the rear. They led us straight in front of the fire and stopped. All the Skaven were awake and staring at us with cruel sneers.

This could have gone better.

“Pretty kitties,” said a voice that belonged in the trash with its owner. The plague carrier was advancing towards us, glee written across the ruin of his face. His fur (the parts that hadn’t fallen out) was an unhealthy tan. I could see several of his fingers missing. Whether that was deliberate, a war wound, or just a result of the putrid state he was in was impossible to tell.

What’s surprising is that the smell actually got STRONGER the closer he got. I was fighting a losing battle.

SHIT! Please don’t let it touch me! To anyone who is listening; I will do whatever you want if you get that thing away from me!

“Stop!” Thank you! “Go back to your corner! You’re scaring our guests,” said the cloaked figure. The rotting creature hissed angrily and walked back to edge of the clearing. The air became breathable again. Barely.

“Now then…” The leader stepped out of the shadows giving us a good look at her. Yeah, it was a girl. No man could pull off that walk. The little bit of her face I could see was pure onyx black with the same red eyes as the rest of them. She was wearing black robes inscribed with silver runes and had a long, silver chain the hung about hallway down her chest. Her worm-like tail also had a chain wrapped around it with a spike attached to the tip. “Who do I have the honor of addressing?”

“Just some Bast I found stalking in the trees,” Said the one who caught us. As he stepped into view, the bow that was previously pointed at my head was shouldered. He was also wearing a sword strapped to one hip and had a brace of throwing daggers. Most of his face was hidden by a mask, save for a tiny line of grey fur around the eyes. His armor was full body dark leather. “Figured you want to interrogate them first considering the…overzealous way our boys treated the last few.” He glared at the soldiers who looked ashamed. The rotting one just cackled.

“Thank you very much.” He bowed deeply.

“I live only to serve the priesthood.”

Oh great. They’re a Theocracy.

“So, who are you to intrude on my rest?” We remained silent. “What? Cat got your tongue?” It took every bit of willpower I had not to facepaw. Especially when the soldiers started laughing. “Alright then. Dear, I believe these nice kitties want to play with you.” The rotting one looked up and smiled. He slowly started advancing…

“I’m Jack, he’s Ren!” Did I just call myself…Good God, It’s growing on me.

“Now was that so hard?” The priestess started walking towards me. I instinctively backed up until I felt something cold and sharp poke into my back. That thing flipped around and shoved me forward until I was about a foot from the priestess. For a time, everything was silent as she stood staring. Appraising. It was eerily familiar to the time a couple weeks back when another black clad bitch gave me the same look.

“Not bad.” Wait…what? “The color’s nice and the eyes are stunning. There is the little…issue.” Without any warning whatsoever, she reached out and grabbed my prosthetic. I tried to pull away, but the cold steel on my back reminded me who was in charge. She moved my arm at will, turning it over and over. “Still colorblind I see. I suppose I could get it painted…” She broke out into a huge grin. “I might keep you!”

“WHAT!” both I and Ren shouted in the same breath.

“Of course, there is the problem of feeding you. You’d also need someplace to sleep. And the Thirteen only know if you’re housebroken.” Apparently, I just became a house cat. “Maybe I should just get you stuffed.” Or not…

“Hold on a second!” She struck me across the face. Hard.

“Did I give you permission to speak?”

“Wha-” She hit me again.

“Good pets only speak when spoken to!” she screamed. This was definitely the third-worst day I’ve ever had. The second being Atheris and the first…you know. “If you don’t want to be put over my mantle I suggest you behave. I’ll decide on the way back to Sheol. For now, we have a mission to complete.” She snapped her fingers and the troopers jumped to attention. “Do what you want to the old one. Keep this one under guard.”

The trooper rats let out a cheer and began to advance on Ren. We shared a look. It was a mutual decision. Clichéd as it was, if we were going out, we were going out…

“Wait!” All eyes turned to the walking infestation. He sniffed the air a few times, hobbling ever closer to us. Right before I lost my breakfast he stopped and raised on sickly paw in my direction. “He smells funny.”

I smell funny? How the hell would he know? He’s missing half his fucking nose!

“Hmmm…” The priestess walked right up in front of my face and started sniffing me. It was one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me. “You’re right.” She backed up and lifter her staff. Jewel on top glowed with some kind of…reverse light. She ran it up and down my body like a scanner. When she was finished, her eyes grew wide. Not a good sign.

“Change of plans. We’re taking them both. Whatever is going on up here, he’s a part of it. Specter!” The bow-rat saluted. “Where’s the closest entrance to Sheol?”

“Black Marsh. The Kobold observation post. It’s about three days from here.”

“Good. We’ll head there as soon as that accursed fireball sets. Whoever’s on sentry duty, tie them up and keep a close watch. The rest of you, get some sleep. On the other side of the clearing Rotter!” Guess which one Rotter is?

The three trooper rats produced some rope from…somewhere. Did this world have hammer space? It would definitely explain where I kept putting my wooden hand when I took it off. Weird. I wordlessly asked Ren if we should do something. He shook his head no. I assumed he meant something like ‘Wait till the time is right.’

And that’s how we ended the day. Tied up in a clearing surrounded by Skaven who were either taking us prisoner, adopting us as pets, or…something worse. I wasn’t exactly sure.

Yeah. That definitely could have gone better.

Cats and Mice

“What the fuck are you smiling about?"

Quick recap. Ren and I have been capture by Skaven, a race of giant sentient rat people. They are all armed and presumably skilled. One of them looks like something that should have died about ten plagues ago. Another is some kind of master assassin. And I’m pretty sure their leader is going to fuck me.

So yeah. Back to FUBAR. Cause my last visit just wasn’t enough! But that leaves one important question.

Why does Ren have a huge as fuck grin on his face?

“Because we’re Bast,” he said simply.

“Believe me. I’ve noticed. I love my cat reflexes as much as the next guy, but it’s not something to get excited about. Especially considering our current clusterfuck.”

“Do you realize I’ve gone my whole life calling myself a cat-person? Do you know how degrading it is not to be able to correct racist fuck-wads who refer to me as a kitty-man? Now I can finally look those bastards straight in the eye and proudly say: I AM A BAST!”

“Sorry to interrupt your epiphany,” cooed the priestess, “but would you kindly SHUT UP!” Rat bitch had been on edge since the Rotter had said I ‘smelled funny.’ I wasn’t really sure, but it seemed like she was afraid of something.
Which she should, cause the second I get out of here...

Let’s just say that I’ve been dipping into my ‘Shit to do to Somnambula’ folder. I was torn between skinning her alive and forcing her to eat her own hand. Granted, I probably would just go for the quick kill because I couldn’t stomach doing either of those things, but it was a nice thought.

The Skaven had slept the day away then force marched us through the night. Needless to say, we nearly dropped dead when they camped for the day. I’ve pulled all-nighters playing the Binding of Isaac, but sitting on your ass in front of a computer is a whole lot different from hiking through a rainforest.

Night two was looking to be no different. And we were approaching the border to Black Marsh. In that stereotypical fashion, time was running out.

“We will if you tell us where we are going.”

“Sheol. A giant underground city where you will be taken, studied, deemed worthless, given to me as a reward, raped to death, and stuffed. Happy?” she asked with a cruel smile.

“Yeah…I’m good thanks.” I was really glad no one could see my skin under the fur because I’m sure I’d be white as a sheet.

“Hey, don’t worry so much kid,” the Specter told me. “It’ll be fine.” For some reason I had a real hard time believing him.
Nothing about these people screamed fine. It screamed bloody murder! The bad feeling was confirmed when he asked the question.

“Are you a masochist?” I turned to the grinning Skaven with a look that spoke of limitless horror and disgust. “Oh. Then you’re doomed.” He let out a loud laugh that was repeated by most of the soldiers. The priestess looked back at me and winked.

It was good luck they hadn’t given us anything to eat. I probably would have thrown it back up right then and there.

For three hours there was total silence from us. The troopers discussed whatever thoughts came to mind. Most of it was trivial or something that I couldn’t understand without context. I did find out a couple things. Apparently, the priestess owned all of them and by extension us.

Not hard to figure out they used a caste system.

The rest was crap. I didn’t even catch any names. Not that I can tell these bastards apart anyway. It’s the same problem I had with the Bast!

Huh…Ren’s right. It is better having a name for our species.

“Never took you for a history buff,” I whispered to the aforementioned Ren. I guess I should mention that our hands were bound in front of us and connected by a rope. We were forced to walk sideways, which was a real problem in a place so thick with trees.

“It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. Always been fascinated by our past. Pity we’ve lost so much of it.” He let out a soft sigh. Seemed he really was a history buff. “It’s actually why we’re going to Stalliongrad.”

“Knew that supplies thing was stupid.” If we needed supplies, he wouldn’t have spent the past two weeks teaching me how to survive without them. “So what’s our real business?”

“The long and short of it is that in my youth I worked for an archeologist named Copper Scope.”

“An archeologist like Daring Do?”

“Hardly. He was more the type to sit in a lab than raiding temples. He hired us for the daring do. We agreed on the notion that he’d tell us everything he found. And he did.”

“I’m guessing he’s in Stalliongrad.”

“Yep. And we’re going to see him.”

“Why?”

“We found a tablet once that he was certain revealed the location of our lost homeland.”

“The Bast weren’t always in the jungle?”

“No, we were. But it was apparently a lot bigger. The slab was written in a dead language none of us could read, so after a few years he got frustrated and sold it to a private collector to help cover the expedition’s expenses.” I actually heard him growl a bit before he continued. “We had a large fight immediately after that resulted in our termination. He went back home and we continued searching for answers.”

“I think I know the rest. You figured out how to read it somehow so we’re going to Stalliongrad to find out who he sold the slab to so you can translate it. Then we go on some epic adventure to find the secrets of our past.”

“Basically.”

“You could have just told me from the beginning, you know.”

“Well, I didn’t exactly trust you back then.”

“And you trust me now?”

“If you didn’t kill me after Atheris, you probably aren’t my enemy.”

“Ah, but what if that was my plan all along? To lure you in to a false sense of security?”

“Irrelevant considering where you are right now.” Both of us nearly jumped in surprise at the sound of her voice. Without warning, the priestess raised her staff and bashed us both in the head. “When I say stop talking, I mean STOP TALKING! I hear one more word from either of you before we reach Sheol and I will feed your souls to demons! Understand?” We both nodded quickly. Our hands were literally tied in this situation. “Good.” She walked off leaving the two of us in silence.

Alright, so he’s using me to help him solve some kind of ancient historical riddle. Funny, I would have sworn it was going to be some kind of revenge scheme. Still, can’t do that while trapped by Skaven.

There has to be a way out of this. There always is. Hell, if I can crawl out of a giant snake’s mouth I can find some way out of this. Now let’s see…

There are thirteen of them and two of us. One seems to be a lot more physically skilled. Another could probably rot us from the inside out. And the bitch in charge…no idea what she can do.

They took all our weapons, except for the hidden blade. Losing my arm might actually save our asses! Still not worth it though. Three rats are holding the blades, and another two have my satchel and Ren’s backpack. Glad they didn’t decide to cut my other arm off for the snake. Wait…

I looked down at the bracelet that had placed itself around my wrist. It was magic, I knew that much. Non-magic jewelry didn’t just come to life and attach itself to you. It probably just needed some kind of catalyst. A special word or gesture, some kind of spell. Maybe…

Wow. It has really pretty eyes…

They were to. Pure onyx black that shone even in moonlight. Amazingly detailed to. I could even make out the slit pupils. I could actually believe a god made this. It was…entrancing.

I don’t know how long I was lost in the depths of its eyes, but I’m surprised I didn’t trip or run into a tree. I think it was a side effect of the whole cat thing. I was much more balance, even if the entire structure of my foot had changed. No more heel toe, it was all toe.

Going off topic. Back to the eyes. The beautiful eyes. I must have stared in them for at least an hour. My mind was blank. I recall the troopers wondering if I was bewitched. I wasn’t really paying attention. Something important was happening. Something inside my head.

Images and words were swirling around like a maelstrom. I couldn’t make any of them out, they were moving too fast. Until one word forced itself to the forefront.

“Excitaret.”

A flash of light went off from deep inside the onyx eyes. The feel of cold metal turned to warm scales. The snake slowly picked its head up and looked at me. Its forked, very organic tongue flicked out as it looked at me quizzically.

Well…that’s interesting.

“What was that noise?”

My brain immediately called a panic. This could be our one shot at escape. Under no circumstances could I let them know I had gained a snake companion. A second word found its way to my lips.

“Somnum.”

The snake quickly closed around my wrist and I could feel the shift of flesh to metal. A trooper came over and looked at me curiously. I looked back. After a few moments, he got bored and returned to his point in the convoy, muttering something about hearing things.

I turned my gaze to Ren, who was giving me a questioning stare. I tossed him a small smile.

Our wait was over.

Okay, we actually had to wait until they camped for the day and fell asleep, but NOW it was over. Good timing too. We were right at the edge of the jungle. Another few hours travel and we would have crossed over into Black Marsh, a place I know nothing about. And if the name is a suggestion, I don’t want to.

They’d left us off to the side with a pair of troopers guarding us. By luck, stupidity, or perhaps a taunt from the priestess, it was the two rats carrying Lux and Erebus. Ren had absolutely no idea what I was planning just that I had a plan. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure it was a good one.

It relied a lot on my understanding of what the snake does. Which is all speculation. I’m hoping it’s something of a familiar. Something I can call upon to carry out my orders.

So…here goes everything.

“Excitaret.” The snake lifted its head and looked at me. So far so good. I wasn’t even afraid of it for some reason! “Now go cut his bonds,” I whispered, motioning my head towards Ren. It cocked its head and looked at me strangely. “Well…go on.” Nothing. Just more staring. “Cut his bonds. I’m really counting on you here.” Still nothing. “As your master I command you to cut those ropes!” I whisper shouted as loud as I dared. Lucky for me the guards were overconfident and lazy.

I sighed in defeat. This wasn’t getting me anywhere. What gives? How could I call upon the snake when I can’t…wait a minute?

When I woke it up, I spoke in some other language. It was…Italian? French? Latin? Latin! I was speaking Latin! Which means…

If my hands weren’t bound, I would have torn my hair out from the absurdity. I’m still assuming it will follow my commands. IF THEY’RE IN A LANGUAGE HE CAN UNDERSTAND! And the only one I know of, I can’t speak. Jesus, it’s like building a stealth mech that can make itself invisible, but not the operator! A pointless oversight. Hilarious as hell when it happens to an annoying green alien, but completely stupid in real life!

Why? Why must the universe fuck me at every opportunity? I’m not a bad person, am I? Okay, so I could have gotten off my ass and done more as a human, but I don’t think that warrants…

My moment of self-pity was ground to a halt as I realized a major logical fallacy with this whole ordeal.

If I can’t speak Latin, how exactly did I know the words for awaken and sleep? And how do I know what those words mean? Furthermore, how the hell did the snake know Latin anyway? What correlation does an ancient dead language from Earth have to a land of magical fucking ponies?

I was staring into its eyes when I spoke the words.

I didn’t have anything else to go on, so I resumed my venture into the entrancing depts. The words came almost immediately this time. Must get easier with time.

“Reptant trans funem.” The snake, who from this moment shall be named Nag, immediately sprang up and silently crawled across the rope between me and Ren. I saw him twitch a little when Nag crawled into his lap and woke him up. He gave me a shocked look which I countered with a fierce grin. I liked this so far.

I couldn’t see Nag’s eyes, but the next phrase came easily.

“Interficiam vinculis.” I heard the soft sound of cutting rope. Eye contact wasn’t necessary. Good. Makes things much easier. Ren’s shocked look slowly changed into a grin to match my own. These rats wouldn’t know what hit them.

“Ad me.” Nag quickly crawled across the now limp rope and into my lap. I had a deadly viper slithering across my legs and I didn’t even shudder! This was awesome! “Incidere vincula.” He opened his mouth, revealing a pair of fangs. With a quick movement, he severed the rope holding my arms together. The tension between them went slack, but I held them stiff. We needed to be stealthy now.

“Somnum,” I told my new companion with a smile. Nag crawled back onto his place at my wrist and returned to gold.

Bout time I got something cool. Thanks for nothing Som!

I looked back towards Ren and motioned in a silent question.

“Shall we?”

“Let’s.”

Both of us pulled ourselves up into a crouch. The guard rats didn’t notice. They were busy playing a game of dice. Idiots. The priestess (none of them ever used names) definitely needed to hire better help. Without a sound, the two of us crept up behind them. Just like the tapir, our prey was totally oblivious.

I paused for a moment. A few weeks ago I’d almost killed myself because of the very same act I was contemplating here. Only this time it was against an unaware opponent. Was I really okay with stabbing a thinking creature in the back?
…
They were dangerous creatures with no respect for life. They’d repeatedly alluded to killing me horribly. And they’d shown a love of torture when they mutilated those Voltess.

I slowly brought out my hidden blade.

“What was-ACK!”

With one quick movement, I stabbed him in the neck. From beside me, I could hear the sounds of Ren choking the second guard with the ropes they used to bind us. They probably shouldn’t have used such high quality rope.

With them dealt with, we could probably just slit their throats while they sleep. Quick and clean. Then we turn north and continue towards Equestria. No problems or complications…

“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”

…except we forgot that they stationed three sentries instead of two.

…

Goddammit.

Curiously, it took almost the same time to draw Erebus as it did for the other Skaven to wake up. So it was kind of an awkward situation when the two of us (now armed) found ourselves staring at eleven pissed off Skaven (also armed).

“So…any chance we can go our separate ways?” I asked the priestess.

“No. PRING ME THEIR PELTS!”

The three closest soldiers charged us. The…I don’t really know what to call it. Adrenalin? Instinct? Warrior’s spirit? Whatever the thing that makes everything seem slower is kicked in. Oddly enough, it seemed to work even better this time.

Two of them went for Ren while the third came straight at me. I stepped to the side and slashed at him. He brought up his sword to block. A chime went out as the two blades met. When we pulled apart, mine was unmarked while his had a little chip taken out of it.

I have got to find whoever made these damn things and shake his hand.

I swung at the rat again, aiming for a similar position. The guy was smart and used a different part of the blade. What followed really showed off all the stuff I learned from Ren. This guy knew how to use his sword. Luckily, so did I. We continued for a while (by which I mean twenty second, battles are fast) until his sword finally snapped. I quickly stabbed the stupefied rat through the chest. One down. I turned to check on Ren…

You know how no other Skaven were attacking me while I dueled that guy? That’s because the rest of the troopers were busy trying to kill Ren. Well, the remaining troops anyway. He’d already killed three of them.

Wait, then where was the-

DUCK STUPID!

I followed orders and was rewarded with the sound of shattering glass. I looked at the tree behind me to see all of the leaves simultaneously turn black and drop off. Followed by the trunk. I cast a shaky look to the source of the attack.

The Rotter spat in another vial and grinned at me.

Of course I’d have to fight this guy.

Before the tube was even in the air, I was rolling to the side. I came to a stop just in front of an explosion of noxious gas. I crab walked backwards to avoid the putrid substance when I felt the force of another vial right behind me. With a yelp of fear, I forced myself up and off to the side, just as more potions started going off all around me.

Blessed be he who gave the Rotter a Stormtrooper’s aim.

For a while we did the dance since this guy seemed to pull more and more poison grenades out of hammer space. Fucking cartoon logic. And every single second I thanked the speed increase I’d mysteriously gotten. Looking back, it was probably the snake. I had gained the buff ‘Viper’s Quickness.’ But no matter how fast I was, I couldn’t touch him. The second I got close, he’d just throw a vial in my face and laugh as whatever gruesome effect they had took hold.

I had no idea what those things could do to a person, but I saw what they did to a tree. And the grass where it hit. Not pretty. I don’t know what the hell Ren was doing during all this. I hoped he was being some kind of kung-fu badass and had taken out all the rest. Screw kill counts, I just wanted this shit over and done with.

But I got no help from Ren and there was no sign of the Specter or the priestess. Me and the Rotter just continued our dance around and around the fire. And as I got more and more tired, he got more and more frustrated. His throws became wild and more frequent.

Three more explosions went off in front of me. I turned around to see another three going off behind me. To the right, four more. With only one option, I rolled to the left and ended up right in front of the fire. With a mad cackle, the Rotter sent a vial up over my head and into the flames.

Of course now he’d have perfect aim.

The campfire began emitting a thick smoke. A strange screeching sound filled the air and the fire turned green.

Then it exploded.

I screamed out in pain as the laws of physics forced me backwards through the air in a torrent of rocks, dirt, and charred wood. Erebus went flying off somewhere. I hit the ground shoulder first and went rolling, only to come to a stop at the base of a foot.

A Skaven’s foot.

A very disgusting Skaven’s foot.

With unanswered prayers on my lips, I looked up into the grinning, putrid face of the Rotter. He had an open vial of green sludge hovering a few feet above my face.

“Playtime over kitty. Now you drink,” he said while he stomped on my left hand. You know what’s coming.

“Sorry, I don't have ID. Excitaret et eum!” At my call, Nag awoke and bit him right on his rotten ankle. The Skaven screeched and fell backwards. The vial of something I’d rather not know went flying off into a poor tree which proceeded to die in what I’m sure was horrible agony. In a second, our positions were reversed and I stabbed him through the eye.

Bastard didn’t even have time to scream.

Unfortunately for me, poking a hole in his head released one of the foulest smells it has ever been my displeasure to experience. The closest I can come to describing it is if an Indian sewer and a New York dumpster had a kid that died neck deep in its own shit. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

So after vomiting for a few minutes and crawling away from the pile of pure rank I had just killed, I reached into my satchel and pulled out a vial of Jungle Remedy. At least that’s what I call it. The real name is hard to pronounce, but it works pretty much the same way as the drop in WoW. Buffs your immune system to help take care of whatever’s ailing ya. Quick note though. When I learned how to make it, they specifically told me it did not take care of STD’s. Which is probably a good thing to know.

“Well… that sucked.” I looked down at Nag, who was busy trying to spit out every single iota of Skaven. “Paenitet amicus.” He shot me a glare that would have killed a cockatrice.

So he’s at least partially sentient. Also good to know.

“Somnum.” Just like that, the little guy zipped up my leg and onto my wrist, where he reverted into his metal form.
“Alright. Ren? You’re still alive, right?” I turned back to where the battle was to see…

A bunch of dead Skaven. And no Ren.

No anyone actually.

“Hello?” No answer. Not even any birds. Plague boys bombs must have driven them off. “Ren?” I called out as I walked slowly towards the battlefield. I didn’t see him among the bodies. That was a good sign.

They were all soldiers. No Specter. No priestess. That was a bad sign.

“Oh fuck!” I dropped back into a fighting stance and held my blade arm in front of me defensively. On cue, creepy spite-filled laughter started echoing throughout the clearing.

“What’s the matter kitty?” said the voice of the Specter. “Afraid? You should be.”

“That is one of the most cliché things I’ve ever heard.”

“So what? You can’t go wrong with the classics.” True enough. “You and the old man killed most of the others. I should thank you. I hated those idiots.”

“How about you thank us by letting us go?”

“Not going to happen. The soldiers get all the fun. It’s my turn now!”

Only my stupidly amazing cat hearing saved me.

A pair of arrows came flying out of the trees straight for my chest. I hastily turned sideways letting them pass to either side of me.

“Hmm…Faster than I thought.” The Specter dropped out a tree and drew his blade in the same motion. It would’ve been badass if he wasn’t about to attack me with it. “Any last requests?”

“Besides the obvious? Promise me you’ll bury me far away from the Rotter.”

"I’ll just going to burn you both on the same pyre.” And with that, he charged.

And he was as fast as I was.

Fuck.

Having no other weapons save my blade arm (I forgot to go find Erebus like the idiot I am), I moved that up to deflect. The charge attack sent vibrations up the remainder of my arm and all the way down my spine. When he pulled back, both of our blades were unmarked.

“Tough sword.”

“It’s made of gray steel. This baby will cut through diamonds!” he said proudly. Then he tried to prove it on my head.
I was at an incredible disadvantage. This guy was fast, better trained, and his weapon outreached mine by at least two feet. I managed to stay a split second ahead of his attacks, but had no room to counter. He was using all manner of fancy swordsmanship while I was blocking for my life.

He came into the right so fast I could hear the air moving across the blade. I almost missed it, but before I could blink it was to the left and I was forced to jump backwards. Then he swung high. I managed to duck, but he trimmed some of the hair from the tips of my ears. I made another close dodge when he brought it right again, getting out with a small cut on my shoulder.

Stuff like that.

It was one of the most terrifying two and a half minutes of my life. I almost had my other hand chopped off. Three separate times! Every second was spent trying to keep my body intact. My life didn’t even have any time to flash before my eyes! Good thing to. I really don’t want to relieve these past few days.

He went into another charge which I caught by a hair. There was a small break as we stood locked together. Mainly because he was pressing my own dagger into my chest.

“Not bad. The old cat train you?”

“Taught me literally everything I know.”

“Huh. How long you been at it?”

“About two weeks.”

“Damn. You’re a natural! Too bad you’re not a Skaven. I might have considered apprenticing you. Ah well, such is life.” Then he kicked me in the crotch.

Cheating bastard.

“SON OF A BITCH!” I fell over backwards clutching my huevos. I made a mental note to buy a cup at the earliest opportunity. The Specter placed a foot on my chest and pointed a sword at my eye.

“Last words?”

“Eat shit and die!”

“Don’t really know what that means, but alright. May the Thirteen Horned Ones judge you mercifully.”

“You might want to save that plea for yourself,” said a voice that I was unimaginably glad to hear.

Our gazes shifted to Ren who was holding both Lux and Erebus.

“I’m the only one allowed to kick his ass.”

“Oh, you’re fucked now,” I said to the Skaven, grinning like a madman. He voiced his opinion with a kick to the head.
I really hate this guy.

“Do you have to ruin my fun?” he said, drawing a dagger to match the sword. Which meant he was toying with me the whole time. Not a good moment for my self-image. “I was really enjoying myself.”

“Well why don’t you stop playing with children and join the adults.”

“Hurtful.”

“Be quiet, I’m talking.”

“Jackass,” I muttered.

“Alright. Fine!” the Skaven yelled. “Kitty wants to play? LET’S PLAY!” Then he charged Ren.

I slowly pulled myself off the ground (paying special attention to my bruised ‘areas’) and bore witness to what was undoubtedly one of the coolest things I’d ever seen.

Take every epic sword fight you’ve ever seen in any movie whatsoever and throw it out the fucking window. It is nothing compared to actually watching two masters at work. I couldn’t even tell what was going on! I just knew it was fucking awesome!

Ren was doing all kinds of acrobatic maneuvers, never staying in the same spot for more than a second.

The Skaven attacked aggressively, trying to pin the old cat down long enough to hit him.

Their blades were clashing so quickly, the ringing sound it produced was nearly sustained. Sparks were flying everywhere and their feet flew as they began a slow circle around the ruins of the campfire.

“Beautiful is it not?”

“Yeah. Really makes you wonder how they learned this stuff.”

“I don’t know about the cat, but all Specters are sent through a rigorous training course. Only the strong survive.”

“Huh. Pretty Darwinian, but it must be effective.”

“It is. What’s a Darwin?”

“He’s a famous naturalist from my home. He developed the theory of-”

Wait a minute.

I timidly turned my head to the side to look at the priestess. She winked at me and brought her staff back.

“Awww fuckberries!”

I was hit with a combination of physical force and dark magic, sent flying back into a tree, and slumped to the ground nearly unconscious.

“I would go through losing my hand again if this day would just END!”

“I am rather disappointed in you pet,” she started. She had this disapproving look on her face. Like a parent scolding a child. What is with people calling me a kit today? “And I had such wonderful plans for you to!”

“Dare I ask what those plans were?”

“Well…For starters, I was thinking we could (comment omitted to preserve teen rating),” she said with a leer.
Needless to say, I was shocked and disgusted beyond all reason.

“I…I’m not even sure if that’s physically possible!”

“Oh it is. Believe me. But sadly, I have to kill you. I guess I’ll just bring your head back to Sheol for the clerics to study.
Goodbye pet. And when you end up in Tartarus, be sure to tell them who sent you.”

“And that is? You kind of never mentioned.” She rolled her eyes.

“Lady Seras, Third-level Priestess of the Horned Ones. NOW DIE!”

She fired a bolt of dark, screaming energy at me before I could blink.

“FUCK!”

Maybe it was instinct. Maybe it was fear. Maybe some unknown god was guiding my hand. But for whatever reason, I placed my dagger right in front of the bolt and waited for the inevitable.

The second the bolt touched the blade, it redirected into a nearby tree and exploded.

For a moment, both of us stared in awe at the unexpected development.

“What the…” She fired off another three blasts. I repeated my action causing an effect similar to firing a grenade launcher at a bouncy wall. Random explosions happening everywhere.

My swords deflect magic.

…

“Oh fuck the hell yes.”

“Uh-oh.”

I stood up and started unsteadily walking towards Seras with an arrogant smirk on my face. She panicked and started firing off blasts at random. I swatted them away like flies causing detonations all around me. And I didn’t look at a single one.

Hello self-image. So nice to see you again.

“Oh this is just great,” she muttered.

“Scared?”

“No, I was just really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this.”

Out of nowhere, she pulled a knife and cut into her own palm.

OH FUCK! SHE’S A BLOOD-MAGE!

I turned that shaky walk into a run, trying to get close before she summoned some kind of demon and kicked my ass.
But even with my new snake speed, I was too late. Three large globs of blood hit the ground at the exact moment she finished some weird…Cthulhuy chant. For the second time that day, I was blown off my feet and sent backwards into a tree.

“Pet, meet shades. Shades, pet.” From the drops of blood rose three shadow things that were apparently shades. They looked like roughly drawn humans without any distinguishing features. The two on the sides raised swords in the air while the center shade stomped its spear on the ground making a sound much louder than it should have.

“You’re just full of surprises aren’t you?”

“More than you could possibly imagine,” Seras said with a wink. “Now then. RIP HIM TO-”

“Hey bitch!” He has the best timing in the world. No contest.

“Wha-” She was stopped mid-sentence by the SPECTER’S HEAD hitting her at high speed.

“Like I said before. I am the ONLY ONE allowed to kick his ass!”

“By the Thirteen Horned Ones,” she whispered while staring at the head of her former subordinate. Her now terrified gaze turned to the shades. “Don’t just stand there! KILL HIM!”

The three shades charged at Ren full forced. He ran up the side of a tree, leaving them in a jumbled mess. He glared at the priestess. She yelped in fear and turned to run. He looked back at me.

“I can handle these things. GET THAT BITCH!” I nodded and ran after her as the sounds of battle began behind me. I owed Ren like…two thousand beers after this.

But first, EVISCERATING THAT CUNT!

She could run fast, but I had the viper on my side. Plus I was on my technical home turf. From what I heard, Skaven are native to caves. Not a lot of undergrowth down there. It wasn’t long before I had her in sight.

She must have had some sort of radar system, because the second I laid eyes on her, she turned and fired off magic wildly. I dodged easily now that I was up and moving, but she managed to gain some ground. I snarled and ran harder.

She kept trying, but I just kept gaining. At first I was thirty feet behind her. Then at one moment I was twenty-five. Then twenty. Then fifteen. AT ten she made an all-out last ditch effort to kill me.

She turned and threw herself backwards with a scream of pure rage. Seras channeled so much magic through that gem that it exploded and launched a black fireball right at me. With a scream of my own, I jumped with all my strength and cleared the thing by an inch.

The bomb went off behind me and propelled me forward. Whether it was luck, skill or rule of cool, I’d never know. But that fireball kicked me just the right distance.

Her eyes wandered in shock as I descended upon her Assassin’s Creed style and plunged my blade into her neck.
And so died Lady Seras. Third-level Priestess of the Horned Ones.

I wrenched my blade from her neck and stood up, silently waiting for what’s next.

Nothing came.

No cannibals, rat-people, giant snakes, or demons. Just silence.

“We won?” I asked the universe.

“Yes, we did,” it replied. I whirled to see Ren walk out of the brush with a slight limp.
“Oh…good.” I feel like I should put something here about my elation, or the joys of victory, or how glad I was to be alive, but in truth: I was fucking tired. I’d been bruised, cut, verbally assaulted, thrown into a tree (twice), and blown up (also twice). I just wanted to lie down right there and go to sleep.
Instead, I pulled a healing potion and the second Jungle Remedy out of my bag and gave them to Ren.
“So, how was your first real battle?” he asked before drinking.
“It sucked donkey ass.” He nodded understandingly.

“They all do. The lethal one’s at least. Pray you don’t get used to it.”

"I'll try not to," I said with a laugh that was more tired than joyful. "Thanks for saving my ass. Again."

"Don't mention it." His tone went grim. "No seriously, don't mention it. I want to forget this whole experience."

“Same here. Now what do we do?”

“What do you think?” He motioned towards Seras. “We clean up the trash.”

Back at the clearing, just as the sun was setting, a fire could be seen. It was a large and bright fire for it had a noble purpose. Disposing of the corpses of twelve nameless Skaven and Lady Seras, who’s head was impaled on one of her soldiers’ spears at the top of the heap.

“Can we sleep now?” I asked as we walked away.

“You want to sleep near the smell?”

“Good point.”

“We’ll walk north for an hour then rest.”

“I just hope we didn’t catch anything.”

“Still worrying about your zombie virus?”

“It’s a real thing!”

“You can’t become a Dead One through sickness! They have to choose you.”

“Another one of your legends I take it?”

“No, they’re real. There’s a whole temple full of them near the Lacuni.”

“Oh…Those legends turn out to be true a lot, huh?”

“Seems that way.”

“Any more I should know about?”

“Well…There is one about a very tall man in black clothing with no face…”

An Odd Encounter

“Believe me, we know,” said the full of himself asshole of a guard. “Now are you going to come quietly or not?”

You know, when I realized I was going to Equestria, there were a few things I expected. Confusion about my race, being taller than all the ponies, maybe a bit of awkwardness about my missing arm. Being arrested on sight? That wasn’t one of them.

“Look,” I said to the guard, “we really haven’t done anything all that bad. Maybe we can just talk this out.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen.”

“Be quiet, I’m talking.”

“Jackass…” Ren muttered.

“The point is there’s no reason for all this trouble. How bout we just pay a fine or something and we can go our separate ways?” If I was lucky, they’d use the Skyrim legal system. Skyrim, where murder is forgiven with the exchange of gold.

“Attempting to bribe an officer? You’re just digging yourself deeper.” Right…I’d forgotten it’s impossible for me to have good luck. Not my brightest moment.

“Well?” I asked Ren.

“Don’t kill them. They’re just stupid ponies.”

“I wasn’t planning to.” The guard snarled and narrowed his eyes.

“That’s it! SKIN THOSE CATS!”

This is not turning out like I’d hoped.

The surrounding guards charged us as the crowd cheered, happy to see a fight. A pegasus came flying ahead of the others straight at me. I slipped into that calm state that seemed to happen whenever I got into physical danger. Without even thinking about it, I side stepped the charge and grabbed one of his wings. Using his own momentum, I spun the guard around in a short semicircle and flung him into a second pegasus. The two landed in a (very confused) heap ten feet away.

Huh…I’m getting better at this.

Ignoring the sound of Ren wailing on his own set of guards a few feet away, I turned my attention to the two earth ponies and the unicorn who had taken the pegasai’s place. The horn head telekinetically threw a rock at me. I dodged it easy and decided to focus on him.

The earth ponies reached me nearly in synch, but one of them was leading slightly. When she leaped, I fell flat, kicking her in the stomach as I did so. She coughed in surprise and fell to the side, clutching her chest. In the same instant, the second pony slammed into me, sending us both into a roll. My far superior cat spine allowed me to come up on top.

I quickly punched the dazed pony in the face and ducked to avoid the second rock. Returning my gaze to the primary target, I jumped up and sprinted at the now worried unicorn. Of course I was blindsided by one of the pegasai who’d manage to untangle themselves (though one appeared to have a broken wing and was out of the fight).

We came up separate this time. The extremely angry (and slightly bruise) pegasus let out a roar of frustration and flew up into the air. He made a series of quick, high punches aimed at my head. I bobbed and weaved around nearly all of them. The jabs weren’t tough enough to knock me out, but they definitely hurt.

My ears (what’s left of them) picked up the sound of a third rock. Once more, I ducked and heard the metallic clang of the projectile bouncing off his helmet. He fell to the street unconscious.

I turned to the worried looking unicorn. The second he realized who I was paying attention to, he swallowed visibly. Then he serious the fuck up. With a snort and a stomp he made his intention clear.

I’m not even gonna bother.

The two of us silently charged at each other. When I was two feet away from him, I stepped to the side leaving a single foot in his path. He tripped, spun into a roll, and fell to rest a few yards away. He let out a groan that made me sure he wouldn’t be getting up.

I heard a few laughs and cheers coming from the crowd. At the start, they were almost universally for the guards, but when we started putting on a real show, their opinion had changed. The loyalty of the mob and all that.

I turned to check on Ren. He was busy fighting off four guards in an impressive display of martial prowess. Seven were on the ground around him in various states of consciousness.

Let’s see now…There were twenty-one guards. I’ve take out five, Ren got seven. He’s handling another four. That means there’s…five more guards unaccounted fo-

Make that four guards unaccounted for.
The guard that started all this, I’m going to guess he’s the sergeant, came out of nowhere and bucked me in the side. I flew through the air and landed with what might have been a cracked rib. Or at least it felt like it.

“Son of a bitch!” I pulled myself up from the ground, letting out a weak cough while I did so. The aforementioned asshat guard stood over me with the look of a man about to stomp a kitten and enjoy every single second of doing so.
Trust me; it’s a very specific look.

He reared intending to make good on that threat. I rolled and heard the street crack where his hooves touched down. I came up to the side and just barely managed to jump out of the way of another buck. The pony wasted no time, coming at me with a series of fast swipes.

I responded in turn, throwing a few quick jabs in where I could. We went around in a circle. I kept walking backwards and staying just in front of his attacks. He slowly began to grow more and more frustrated. Eventually, he just straight out leapt at me!

I ducked under his impromptu charge and caught him on my shoulders. Then I sent him flying through the air to land painfully a few feet away.

Wow…didn’t know I was that strong.

I checked on Ren and saw him delivering one last skull shattering kick to some poor guard’s head. The rest of the guards were down.

“You know, I don’t think your army’s as good as everyone says it is,” I told him. He shot me a glare from his position on the ground. Where I left him. After wiping the floor with his ass. Ahhh happy memories.

“Net,” he said suddenly.

“Net?” I asked. A sound behind me tipped me off and I turned to see…

“NET!” A large, net came flying out of the crowd and wrapped around me. I take some solace in the fact that a few of the onlookers booed. A few feet away, I heard Ren go down under the same treatment.

Out of the mass of spectators, a pair of unicorns emerged. One held a rope connected to my net, the other was charging a spell.

Did I mention the net was metal?

“Oh, this is gonna huUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

“You see that?”

“Yeah. Cat-people. Didn’t even know we had those.”

“Think we should tell the boss?”

“Definitely.”

“You think we’ve found our guy?”

“Don’t know. We’ll just have to keep watching.”

“Hey…cat-guy…wake up!”

“Uhhhhhhh…” I slowly opened my eyes. “Oh god. My…everything.” I mean it. Literally every damn thing hurt. I just laid there for a moment staring at the gray stone ceiling trying to get my bearings.

“There we go, nice and easy,” a female voice tells me. With curiosity and a healthy sense of dread, I looked around at my surroundings.

As I stared at the dark stone of my cell, memories of brief badassery followed by intense pain shot to the front of my mind. I groaned as I recalled the taser nets. I mean seriously, fucking magical ponies had taser nets! Who knew? My next thought was to make sure my prosthetic was still in place. Which it was. They never suspected…

The cell was fairly ordinary. Just a box with a pair of cots and a bucket. Ren was passed out on the other bed. One wall was a series of steel bars separating me from freedom. On the other side was a hallway that curved, leading me to believe we were in some kind of tower. Beyond that, an empty cell.

“Who’s there?” I asked the voice.

“Come to the bars and see.” Seemed easy enough. I pulled myself off the cot and worked my way to the bars. It looked like something straight out of a prison movie. Since we were in prison, I suppose it made sense. The cell adjacent to the one across from us was occupied by a smiling unicorn mare. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Uh, nothing much…” She had a dark gray coat with a rich blue mane and tail to match her eyes. “What’s going on with you?”

“Oh, you know. Same old same old. Just in prison.” She made a ‘so-so’ motion with her hoof. “But enough of that. You want to get out of here?” she asked excitedly.

“Well, I’ve only been here a minute and I already hate it so…yeah.”

“Perfect! Now listen up…” she dropped to a whisper. Which was kind of pointless since it had to be a loud whisper for me to hear her, but I leaned in close to the bars anyway. “I can pick the lock on the door, but after that the guards will beat me raw and throw me in solitary. I don’t mind the first part so much, but the second would be bad.” That…was a little too much
information. “I heard you two kicked some serious flank before they dragged you here.”

“Well…yeah, I guess we did.” News travels fast. “How long have we been in here?”

“About five hours. Now, if I bust all three of us out of here, you two will handle any violent stuff we run into, and all three of us will be free as a bird in the forest. Got it?”

“Just who are you?”

“Name’s Faultless.”

“Let me guess. You’re innocent.”

“That’s what I keep saying! But no one will believe me!”

“Uh-huh. Hold on. I need to check with my friend here.” I motioned towards Ren.

“Just make it fast. I want to get out of here before they make me eat that Celestia-damned sludge again!”

There are a few things in my life I swore I would never do. Eating prison gruel is on that list.

I nearly Ran over to Ren to shake him awake.

“Ren! Get up or we’ll have to eat prison food!”

“What?” he asked sleepily. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he looked all around before settling his gaze on the bars. “Son of a bitch! I got beat by a bunch of ponies!”

“They cheated, but that’s not important right now.” I pointed back to where Fault was waiting for my answer. “That unicorn there just offered to break us out if we fight off any guards we run into.”

“And you trust her? She’s in jail! Who knows what she did!”

“Good point. Hey Fault, what ya in for?”

“I stole something,” she responded cheerily.

“See, she stole something. Not that bad.”

“What is it with you and trusting complete strangers?”

“I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.”

“That’s a bad habit. It’ll get you killed.”

“Yeah, well at least I won’t-”

“Not to interrupt or anything,” Faultless interrupts, “but we’re kind of on a limited time frame. Now are you in or out?”

He looked at me.

“Two words. Prison gruel.”

“By the Gods, not again! We’re in!” he said to her. Nothing puts fear into a man’s soul like having to eat the sludge they call food in these places.

“Great!” From her tail she pulled out…NO WAY!

“A screwdriver and bobby pin?” Ren asked.

“Yep. I prefer my boys, but these work in a pinch.” From there she got a look of upmost concentration on her face as she set out to Littlepip the lock. “Just give me a couple minutes and we’ll-”

Down at the other end of the hallway, a door opened with a creak. All three of us leaned in close to the bars to get as good a look at what was going on as possible. It appeared that a pair of guards were dragging in some new meat. What? I’m in prison; I’m allowed to say that.

The first one, surprisingly enough, is a Bast woman. She was pure black with a white underbelly and four white stripes on her face. The area under her chin was also white. She had a ton of gold piercings in her ears and was wearing what was essentially underwear. Apparently some tribes are more modest than others.

The second prisoner nearly made me shit bricks in surprise. It was a HUMAN! Or at least, it looked like a human. Kind of. The human parts were all there except for the bird feet, the red eyes, and the wings sprouting from his head. Yeah. He had wings growing from his head. Cause that makes sense.

Oh god, another one.

The guards lead the cat woman and the…thing to the cell across from us and threw them in. Just after they locked the door, the bird-man went up to the bars.

“Hang on!” he called.

“What,” the obviously annoyed guard asked.

“What if the earth orbits the sun?” he asked with a mediocre troll face plastered on his head.

“What if your girlfriend orbits my dick?” Both guards crack up as the human like creature turned a bright red color. The girl took a more aggressive route, running up to the bars and taking a swipe at the guards who easily step out of the way of the impromptu assault.

“I’m NOT his girlfriend,” she shrieked. The guards merely laughed all the harder as they walked back down the hall and slam the door behind them. I glanced at Fault. She shrugged and went back to picking the lock in the most iconic way possible.

“Those…those PRICKS!” the girl shouts. From the look on her face, there are two very stupid guards who better hope she never gets out of here.

“Hey, hey, hey, what happened t’ bein’ peaceful,” the creature said.

“Yeah, yeah…you’re right. Sorry Damien,” she said.

“Don’t mention it,” the creature (whose name is apparently Damien) said before getting a glimpse of us.

For a moment, everything is silent as the four of us just stare at each other. But every awkward silence must come to an end and I determined to end this one.

“Hey Ren, remember when you asked what a human was?”

“Yeah.”

“That, just without the bird legs and the bat wings.”

“Hmmm…honestly, not as ugly as I thought it would be.”

“Hold the phone lad,” he interjected. “How in the hell do you know what a human is?” I rolled my eyes.

“The same way you do.” His jaw dropped in surprise.

“Y…you got blasted here too?”

“No…mine hit me on the head with an umbrella,” I said sheepishly. Honestly, that had to be one of the dumbest ways to get to an alternate universe ever. Of all time.

“Ah…mine threw a magically enchanted pencil at my face.” I stand corrected. “Woke up at the beach with the biggest migraine ever.”

“Dammit! Mine made me clime down a cliff! Infested by rocs!”

“Oh gods, not the rocs again,” I heard Ren groan. “You were attacked by a giant bird. It happens. Get over it.”

“Somehow, I know that feel,” Damien says with a laugh. “Got chased by a wild boar with the biggest tusks I’ve ever seen. Your little roc experience makes my problem look…” He paused. By the gods, don’t you dare! “…boar-ing!”

…

“I’m going to have to hurt you for that at the earliest opportunity,” Ren said.

“Seconded,” I offer. The girl let out a loud laugh.

“Good luck assholes! We’re trapped in here!”

“How is that a good thing?” bird man asked her. She shrugged indifferently causing him to sigh. So he turned back to us. “So what’d you guys get in here for?”

“Not being a pony,” Ren growled from beside me.

“We beat up a ton of guards,” I said proudly. The way I see it, when cops start arresting people for bullshit reasons they lose all right to respect. I would gladly have beaten any of those guards senseless at that point. “You?”

“Same thing that gray one said, only I just wanted alcohol and those bastards downstairs prohibited it.”

“I told you we should have gone to Canterlot!” the woman snapped at him.

“And I told you that I am not putting up with snooty ponies if it meant receiving booze, alright?” he snapped right back. Jesus, they’re like an old married couple.

“Hold on a second,” I head Ren say from beside me. He was using that tone of voice that said ‘You are stupid; I know it, you know it, and I’m about to tell you why.’ “You came to Stalliongrad, one of the most dangerous and racist cities in Equestria, to get drunk?”

…

“I am not a clever man,” he deadpanned.

“I’ll say! Even I’m not that dumb and I lost my hand flipping somebody off!” I held up my wooden arm for emphasis.

“Well damn lad,” he says sympathetically. “Either yer very stupid, or ya have balls o’ steel.” At this I start to flip him off, but memories of my past experience with the gesture cause me to leave it uncompleted. And for those wondering, the answer is both. “However, that’s not important.”

“Then what is?” the girl asked.

“Freedom, me friends!”

“We’re already working on that,” Ren said. The two of us spare a sidelong glance at Fault who is still staring at the lock with intense concentration. It takes a lot less time in the games.

“Then allow me to assist ya!” He opens his palm and starts staring at it. That’s it.

Okay, what the-

*PSHING*

FUCK!

“Awww yeah baby!” he shouted while twirling the scythe that just appeared in his hand. At the top was a blade shaped like the bat wings growing out of his head (still can’t get over how stupid that is) and at the bottom was a gem glowing with bright light. The shaft was wrapped in Red and Gold cloth.

“Huh…look at that,” Ren said quietly. My reaction is more along the lines of-

“HOLY SHIT!” Sorry, but that thing is cool!

“Relax, he’s got this,” the Bast said with a smile. Damien smiled in return and brought the scythe back…

Only to have it bounce off the bars uselessly.

“What the hell?” he asked the weapon. It took all of my willpower not to laugh out loud.

“Nice try kid,” Ren told him, “but if there’s one thing ponies know, it’s magic. They probably enchanted the bars to resist attack.”

“Dammit!” he yelled. The dejected…whatever he was sat down on his cot and stared at the glowing jewel on the bottom. I took another glance at Fault. She was still tinkering away with the lock. It seemed kind of convenient that we’d end up in a cell near someone able to pick the lock AND who offers to bust us out as well. Come to think of it, it also seemed pretty convenient we’d end up in a cell across from another human. I mean, what were the odds that we’d both-

“Reserare.” Somehow, I think it was Nag, I knew that meant unlock. Sure enough, when I looked across the hallway, Damien was standing right inside his open cell door with a big smile on his face. “Thank ya Reverend Peters despite your bullshit Scripture lessons!”

Wha…how did he…

The bird man walked up to our cage and tapped it with the bottom of his scythe, saying the exact same word as he did so. There was a soft click and the door swung open. Ren and I shared another look and stepped out of the cell.

So Latin doesn’t just work for the snake…I think I just gained a huge advantage here.

“Well Fault, what do you have to say about that?” I asked the unicorn as she finally opened her own cell.

“I say he cheated.” She walked up to Damien and started glaring at him. “I opened mine with pure skill. Not some fancy shmancy…whatever the hay you are trick!”

“Devil Imp Damn it.” So THAT’S what he is. Never heard of it. “Honestly, must I fucking staple a piece of paper with those words on my chest?”

“I’VE never even heard of a Devil Imp,” I told him. “I don’t think anyone around here even knows what a Bast is. You have to expect this stuff.”

“I know what a Bast is.”

“You’re dating one,” I deadpanned. The response was immediate and exactly what I was hoping for. Both of them face palmed and answered in perfect synchronization.

“We’re not dating!” Beside them I could see Fault rolling her eyes. I shared yet another knowing look with Ren.

“Right.” His eye started to twitch. A feel I know quite well.

“Let’s…let’s just go. This is not the time for that.”

“He’s right,” Fault piped up. “Remember what I said about the beating? And solitary? We need to get moving before the guards find out we’re gone.”

“Yeah, yeah. Quick introductions. I’m Jack or Khajiit, whichever you prefer. He’s Ren, she’s Faultless. And you?”

“I’m Damien, she’s Kaileena.” The woman waved at us. “Let’s get your weapons and get the hell out of here. I take it you know where they are?”

“Probably in the first floored armory,” Fault said helpfully. “That’s where they keep confiscated weapons until they find someone to buy them.”

Having a bullshit weapon law to keep the non-ponies suppressed while earning some extra bits on the side from the exotic weapon trade. I got to hand it to whoever’s in charge, that’s a really smooth plan.

“Correct,” Kaileena told her. “Let’s get moving.”

“Like hell I’m letting them sell those swords! I’ve had them for years!” I thought about mentioning to Ren that since he gave one to me, he technically only owned one of them. After hearing the pure rage in his voice, I decided it was a bad idea and instead turned back to the others.

“We could probably fight our way down there if we need to. After all, you have that…thing and I have this.” I removed my fake hand to reveal my dagger in all its glory. I know I should probably keep my hidden weapons hidden, but I just love the look of surprise people get on their face when they see it for the first time. A look that says ‘Holy shit! That guy’s armed!’
Does that count as a pun?

“Nice!” Damien commented. You’re not the only one with a badass weapon pal. “Ever pull an Assassin’s Creed with that?”

“Once…kind of…it was on this rat-chick that was going to have me stuffed after she raped me to death,” I told him as the five of us began our escape. Unfortunately, we were on the end of this floor, so we had to pass every other prison here. And boy did they WHINE!

“Please let us out!”

“We wanna go too!”

“Please! I beg of you!”

I mostly tried to ignore them. They wouldn’t help me if our positions were reversed and I have no idea what they’re in here for. Equestria doesn’t seem like a death penalty type of place, so some of these guys might be serial killers or something! I only let Fault come because she could open her cell door anyway and if we tried to put her back in, she’d probably call the guards.

I gotta hand it to the Devil Imp though. He took time out of his day to personally flip every single one of them off.

At the end of the hall we found a door. It was a simple matter to unlock it with that new charm the Imp has and we slipped out into the stairwell. I noticed the door has a large number five on it. I don’t know if there is any significance to putting us on the fifth floor or if it’s just random.

It was a short trip down a curved staircase to reach the bottom. During the walk, I managed to get a glimpse of Fault’s mark. It was a plain keyhole with a screwdriver leaning on it. Made sense for a thief. Sure enough, when we got to the bottom a door with a pair of sleeping guards next to it was in plain view. Damien looked at us.

“Quiet Bast with soft paws first?”

“Yeah, yeah we know the drill.” As silent as a calm wind, Ren and I ran up to the guards and took positions on either side of them. Ren held up his hand with three fingers extended.

3…

2…

1…

Before they could make a sound, we grabbed their heads and bashed them together as hard as possible. They connected with a dull clang from their helmets and the two slacker guards collapsed onto the floor. Without a second glance at them, we slipped into the armory.

The inside is, well, an armory. Not much else to it. Weapons that were completely impractical for quadrupeds line the walls next to the near useless guard armor. I know it looks cool in the show, but I could probably single handedly take on an entire battalion of these idiots if I wanted to kill them.

One section in the back is different. It’s swamped in a wide variety of exotic gear. Spears, swords, axes, shield, things I didn’t have a name for, all just hanging there waiting to become cash in some guards pocket. I could see Erebus resting on some pegs. Lux, however, was currently being examined by a reedy looking unicorn.

I heard him emit a soft growl as he walked in front of me.

“Really high quality design. It’s almost as air!” the poor soul muttered. “Not sure what material it is, but it’s remarkably sturdy. I wonder how much use it has seen.”

“Well, just recently it killed a lot of Diamond Dogs.”

“Ah, now that will bring down the price a bit, though you might be able to spin…”

Slowly, he turned his terrified face towards the glowering Ren.

“SWEET LUNA NOT THE FACE!”

Ren cold-clocked him (in the face) with one punch. The little twerp looks stunned for a moment before falling onto the floor with a bloody nose. Ren put on a satisfied smirk.

“You can come in now,” he called out to the others. I walk up next to him and the two of us return our swords to their rightful places. I’d gotten much better at working buckles and straps with on hand. Which is good cause needing help with everything was just getting tiring.

“Whoa Ren, for an old fart, you’re good at this ‘beat the shit out of people’ thing,” Damien exclaimed as the other three escapees walked into the room. Kaileena quickly ran up to a curved sword in the wall and strapped it on.

“I should be. I’ve been doing this for probably twice as long as you’ve been alive,” Ren said with a laugh. Over in one corner, Fault was busy digging through a bin. She came up with a pair of saddlebags the same color as her coat which she wasted no time putting on. Then, out of the blue, she pulled a leather case out and kissed it.

“It’s okay boys, mommy’s here.”

…

“Okay…I’m going to pretend that never happened,” Kaileena muttered.

“Agreed,” Damian said. Fault cast a scornful look his way. “Don’t look at me like that! You’re th’ one talkin’ to leather cases and shit.”

“What? You name your weapons! Why can’t I name my things?”

…

“Touché…Let’s just get the hell out of here.”

“Agreed,” I told him. “Besides, this is usually the moment where-”

“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”

“Goddammit! Every time!”

We all turn to see a guard standing open mouthed in the doorway next to the two slackers who were probably going to get fired later.

“Aw Christ!” the Imp screams. He quickly grabs a bandolier off the wall and pulls a vial from it. He chucks said glass tube at the guard which explodes in a cloud of mist. The guard wobbles for a moment, then falls over unconscious.

However the fight is far from over as more guards pour from out of the woodworks and attack us head on. The imp starts launching vial after vial at the ponies trying to storm in through the door. Short story shorter, it ends with a pile of unconscious ponies tripping the other ponies trying to crawl over them.

Wow, they really need to train their guards better.

“Aw shit I’m out!” Damien suddenly shouted. “Now what?”

I looked at Ren who had a devilish smile on his face. A smile I copied the second I realized what his plan was.

“Now this.”

In the exact same moment, the two of us charged the rest of the guards. The looks on the faces of those ponies is something I’m going to treasure for the rest of my life. Along with the extremely satisfying beat-down that followed. I won’t bore you with the details since it wasn’t as exciting as my other fight, but a lot of ponies in a confined space added to two really pissed off Bast equals a lot of concussions.

When the deed was done, I turned back to my companions to see looks of appropriate awe on their faces.

Despite being arrested, this is turning out to be one of my better days.

With the guards dealt with, we were able to retrieve the rest of our things, including my satchel (they took the money, but left the potions). Then we left, concluding what I’m sure was one of the shortest jail times in this prison’s history.

Without a word, the five of us ran out the front door of the tower and into the crowd. We turned west without stopping. Somewhere along the line, we had made an unspoken agreement to stick together until we got out of the city. The fact that me and Ren would have to get back into the city didn’t occur until later.

We ran until we reached the western bridge. Which was barricaded. With angry ponies holding spears behind the fortifications.

Well this was fun. If we hurry, we might be able to escape down a side alley-

“EVERYONE GRAB ONTO ME!”

Or we could just go with whatever plan the Imp’s thought up.

Not really having time to think, we followed Damien’s instructions (except for Fault who wraped herself around one of my legs). Then the Imp shouts:

“Inviolabolis! Celeritas!”

Those idiotically placed wings of his flared open and he started flying at the bridge with all of us holding on for dear life. In a rather impressive display, he broke through the makeshift barricades they made and flew us off over the river.

The second we leave the ground I felt my stomach drop out and some slight fear creep up my spine. I suppressed both and focus on keeping my grip.

“Did you see that?”

“Yes…which one did you want me to focus on?”

“The brown cat…thing.”

“And who were the others? You mentioned the silver one, but the other cat, the unicorn, and that…thing slip my mind.”
“I…I honestly have no idea.”

“Hmmm…if any of them come back into the city inform me immediately. We may have found exactly what we’re looking for and I don’t want this chance slipping away.”

“Got it!”

“You’ll know the second they set hide or hair into our borders!”

“Good.”

We flew for a time, away from the city and its assholic guards. But all things must end eventually. And we had a very interesting landing by a small pond. In the Firefly sense.

“Never again,” Kaileena hissed as she pulled herself off the ground.

“Seconded,” Faultless groaned in response.

“I hate flying,” Ren growled.

“Would ya rather we have gotten caught?” Damien deadpans while he picked himself up.

“He has a point,” I said from the dirt. “And I will figure out what it is as soon as the earth stops spinning.”

I tried to bring myself to my feet, but ended up falling over which elicited a small laugh from the unicorn.

“So where do ya all plan on headin’ now? Any place specific?” Damien asked. I decided to let Ren answer for me since my mind is still trying to figure out which way is up.

“We need to get back into Stalliongrad,” Ren said solemnly. “The two of us have business there.”

“Not with those guards swarming everywhere. I’m sure they’re already putting up wanted posters right now,” Kaileena warned.

“And the only way in is for me to fly you guys to your destination. So…” I watched as Ren’s expression slowly turned more sour as the thought of another flight entered his head.

“Actually that’s not true.” He turned his hopeful gaze to Faultless. “There are other ways into the city.”

“Which are?” he asked with enthusiasm. Man, he does not like flying.

“There’s an old sewer entrance on this side the guards don’t know about. I can show you if you want.”

“So…we either fly or go through a stinking sewer,” he said. I could just see one of his eyes start to twitch.

“Your choice lad,” the Imp interjected.

For a moment, there was silence as he thought. I was in no condition to think so I just laid on the ground, finally starting to get my equilibrium back in order.

“Well…we should at least see this entrance before we make a decision,” he said with a sigh.

“Sounds good!” I was finally able to pull myself into a crouch. Flying really does a number on me.

“Hey Khajiit!” I turned to Damien, who was grinning at me for some reason. “This is supposed to be an intervention! Where is everypony?”

Okay that’s probably a quote, but from what. Wait…someone commented that once with a link…

“Applejack’s in a coma, Rarity’s being held captive by Mexicans, Fluttershy’s in the nuthouse, and Rainbow Dash’s dead. Any more questions, smartass?” I said with the ghost of a smile on my face which almost immediately turns into a confused frown. “Is that from the .MOV thing? Those videos freak me the fuck out!” He laughed.

“Dude, once you get used to HotDiggedyDemon’s work and creepypasta, it’s not that bad.”

“I call bullshit on that, but whatever.” I stood up and started rubbing my temples in an attempt to drive out some of the soreness that had infested itself in my head. It doesn’t work. “I’ve only seen the science one, but I swore off them after Twilight shit herself on camera. There are a few things I’ve never wanted to see in my life and cartoon pony shit was on that list.”

“Oh Lord, you do strike a point there lad,” he said with a laugh. “So... you guys're gonna head back into a city where you not only got arrested, but you're also probably being searched all over for an’ also probably wanted for escape, assault, an’ not being a pony?”

“Not the most dangerous thing we’ve ever done. They’re just ponies after all,” Ren said smugly.

“Ponies that kicked your ass,” I remind him.

“Not fair! They cheated!”

“Gentlemen?” Kaileena said, stopping our budding argument in its tracks.

“This is a last call.” I didn’t blame the two of them for leaving. You can get booze anywhere. We actually need to be here. “I’m heading to Ponyville. Then Canterlot. But are you sure you don’t want me to fly you guys over where you need to go?”

“I would like to point out that I also know a place we can hide for a while,” the thief called out helpfully.

“I think we’ll be fine with the sewers,” he told the Imp.

Sounds like it’s going to be a shitty time. Oh God, puns are contagious!

“Thanks for all your help.” I held out my good hand for him to shake. He did then moved on to both Ren and Fault.
“No problem me friends,” he cheerily responds. “I honestly hope we cross paths again someday. Until then, safe travels an’ happy adventuring!”

“It was really nice meeting you three,” Kaileena threw in. “I also can’t wait to meet you all again someday.”

“Likewise,” I told her. Ren gave the two of them a nod.

“If you’re ever back this way, look me up in a bar called The Hall. You two seem like a lot of fun,” Fault added, throwing in a wink.

The Imp and his Bast girlfriend waved goodbye and headed west. We watched them for a time before they faded from view.
“Well…that could have gone much worse,” Ren stated.

“I’ll say. He didn’t try to kill us,” I said with a laugh.

“This was definitely one of the most exciting, and weird, days of my life!” Fault said happily. “Now come on. We have to get moving unless you want to miss the show?” The unicorn started walking back towards the city, humming a short tune I think we’d all recognize.

Son of a bitch. They do know it.

“Wait a second…” Ren said, sounding suspicious, “what do you mean by show?”

A cross over with ShadowWeaver’s Leather Winged Oddity. Why? Because we could.

Welcome to the Hall

“Heave!”

The two of us grunted in exertion as we lifted the heavy man…ponyhole? Yeah…not everything translates well. Either way, we lifted the sewer cover off the hole and over to the side. The stink that came out of it was atrocious. Nowhere near as bad as the Rotter, but still awful.

“So what’s the story on this place?” I asked the unicorn standing next to us. The entrance she talked about was in the basement of a gutted mansion.

“Just some rich prick’s house that burned to the ground. Naturally they pay through the nose to make sure these places have indoor plumbing. This poor sap was unlucky enough to have his house be chosen to receive an outflow pipe. And the guards are either too stupid or too lazy to care about what goes on in the sewers so they never closed up the entrance after the place was abandoned.”

“I expected as much.” Ren was busy peering into the hole. I think he was trying to make sure nothing was down there. “The police in this town don’t seem to be the most intelligent.” Fault snorted in derision.

“All they are is a gang of power drunk thugs. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you the same.” She grabbed onto the ladder hanging from the top of the hole and climbed down. I followed her. When I was about half way down I heard a grinding sound. I looked up to see Ren climbing in and dragging the cover behind him. Within a few moments we were bathed in darkness. I touched down onto the walkway just as Fault began to emanate a glow from her horn.

“Whoa.” We were standing on a small stone pathway next to a rushing river of…well, shit.

“Like I said, it’s an outflow pipe. This right here is the end result of every single eaten meal in the city.” She pointed downstream. “About three miles from the city, there’s a huge treatment plant where the water is purified and dumped back into the river where it flows into the Great Southern Rainforest.”

“Wait…I thought you said it was the Feline Jungle?” I asked Ren. He shrugged.

“Not that many ponies are aware of our existence. Most Bast keep to their own tribes and few ponies venture deep enough to intrude on our lands. It’s only natural they wouldn’t know the proper term.”

“He’s right,” The unicorn said. “I didn’t even know there were Bast until they dragged your sorry buts into that cell.”
“Huh...well that’s interesting.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Fault started walking upstream. “Now come on. I want to get to The Hall before nightfall. I’m starving.” The two of us shrugged and followed her.

“We’re walking next to a river of shit and the first thing you think of is food?”

“Shit?” she asked.

“It’s a swear for feces.” Right…no human cursing here. I’ll have to fix that.

“Huh…cool! And yes. I have a strong stomach and it’s demanding food. So hurry up!”

We continued for a time in silence. Just walking beside a river of shit. There might be something symbolic in that, but I’d rather not know what it is. After a time, the dripping from the ceiling signaled that we were under the river. And trust me, even if the entire place smells like the southbound end of a northbound horse, it’s still better than going through the river.

“So Fault, what exactly did you do?” I asked her.

“I told you, I stole something.”

“What did you steal?”

“Money.” I could tell from her tone of voice she was about to slip into story mode. I heard Ren let out a small sigh from beside me.

“When I was little, my family…we didn’t have a lot. Life was always hard. And pretty boring for an inquisitive little filly like myself. So I spent most of my time looking for ways to entertain myself. Well, one day I came across an old lockbox. I spent weeks looking for the key, just dying to know what was inside it. Naturally, I never found the thing.”

“And that’s how I ended up sitting in the alley with the box, tired, angry, and incredibly frustrated. This stallion noticed and came over to ask what was wrong. I told him and he offered to show me how to open the box. I agreed and he pulled out a screwdriver and bobby pin. He walked me through the steps and I got it open.”

“Let me guess, it was empty,” I said with a smile.

“CELESTIA NO! There must have been at least THREE HUNDRED BITS in that thing!” she shouted happily. “Of course, the stallion tried to take it from me. So I screamed bloody murder that he touched my flank. He got the shit beaten out of him and I escaped with my haul. Didn’t even notice I’d gotten my cutiemark till I got home.”

Wow…she picked up cursing fast.

“I think I like this girl,” Ren said with a laugh.

“So from then on I just kept practicing my lock picking. Kept an eye out for more boxes. Never found any. Eventual I figured out that if I used my skill on things I knew had money, we wouldn’t be in such bad shape all the time. Three hundred is a lot, but when stretched between six ponies it runs out faster than you’d think.”

“So I started stealing. My family got cash, I found it enjoyable, and I was able to save a little on the side. Eventually I could afford a real set of picks,” which she loving called her ‘boys’, “and worked my way up to becoming one of the best thieves in the city.”

“And yet, we found you in jail,” I pointed out. She blushed in embarrassment. How can I see that through her fur?

“Even professionals make mistakes. I mistimed a patrol on my last job. I was in that cell for three weeks before you two came along.”

“Glad we could help,” I told her. We spent some time in silence. I figured Fault was at least as trusting as I was if she was willing to give out her life story on a whim. She could also be lying. I couldn’t tell and it didn’t really matter either way, so I let the matter drop and kept walking.

After a couple minute, the dripping stopped and the smell got…fresher. I assumed that meant we were under the city proper. Especially when the main line began to branch off in different directions. Our new acquaintance silently led us through the maze. Well, not silently. At one point she began humming the theme song again. And…I joined her. Sure Ren looked at me like I was crazy, but I was HUMMING THE THEME SONG WITH A PONY! So fuck him.

After a long and very foul smelling journey, Fault stopped at another ladder.

“Here we are!”

“So…we’re under this Hall place?” Ren asked.

“Nope. That’s closer to the middle districts. This is just far enough into the city that we’ll avoid any guard patrols. They don’t come here much.”

“Why? Locals too much for them?” I ask jokingly.

“No. They just don’t care enough,” she said sadly.

Ren volunteered to go up first (a combination of being strong enough to move the cover, having enough arms to be able to move the cover, and wanting to get out of the sewer as fast as possible) followed by me with Fault bringing up the rear. The sun was just setting as the three of us slipped into a nearly deserted street.

“Welcome (back) to Stalliongrad!” Fault yelled with a flourish. We got a few odd looks from passersby, but remained generally ignored. This area of the city was in far worse shape than the market we were in before. The street was cracked and broken in places, the buildings were dilapidated (a few were boarded up), and the people around us just seemed…broken. Ponies and non-ponies alike.

“Wow…this place is a dump,” I said quietly.

“It could definitely use some maintenance,” Ren commented.

“Oh shit! It’s later than I thought!” Fault cried, seeing the now setting sun. “Come on. You think this place looks bad now, you do not want to see it after dark.” She picked a direction and started walking. We followed without complaint. She seemed like she knew where she was going and the Gods know I don’t.

The unicorn led us through a tangle of streets and living beings. We pushed through the crowd, going to some unknown destination. To Ren and I at least. When asked, Fault would just say we were going to ‘The Hall’ as if we were supposed to know what that was. Maybe we were, I didn’t know. The only things I really knew about the inner workings of Equestria are the things I saw in the show. I might be wrong, but I don’t think Stalliongrad was even mentioned canonically. It might just be a fan name that got popular. And yet, it’s apparently one of Equestria’s largest cities. Odd…

Still, the place was a mess. As the sun started to set I could see people locking up for the night (there were a lot of locks), people looking around warily, and some more…shifty characters coming out. I began to warily watch some of the buildings, a little concerned. I’d heard about the stuff that happens in New York at night and if this place was anything like that, we might be in for some excitement.

In actuality, only three interesting things happened. In one of the windows of a boarded building I saw a little filly, just sitting there staring at the street. When she saw me looking she started to wave. Tentatively, I waved back. Suddenly, her mother appeared (at least I hoped it was her mother) and pulled her out of view, glaring at me suspiciously.

Equestria had homeless people. I wasn’t expecting a No Poor utopia, but still.

That was the first thing. The Second:

“I saw that thief. Give it back to him,” Ren said with a snarl.

“What are you talking about,” Fault answered back.

“Saw what?” I asked.

“Don’t play games with me. Give it back to him.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you mean.”

“Give it back or I give you to the guards!”

“Alright, alright! Here, take it.” She tossed me a shiny blue stone I’d taken to carrying around. “Sorry, force of habit,” she said with a sheepish smile.

“What the actual fuck?” I yelled at her.

“Fuck?”

“I’ll explain later, just stay out of my stuff!” I scowled harshly at the unicorn. Apparently I couldn’t trust her as much as I liked.

In other news, I just got a pony to say fuck. Should I be proud or ashamed about that?

And finally, the third:

“Well, well, well. Look who managed to get her sorry plot out of prison.” Three ponies (two earth, one unicorn) and a griffin appeared in front of us, all wearing dumb as fuck grins. “Never seen anything like you before.”

“Cat-people,” the griffin added, “didn’t even know we had those.”

“We’re Bast actually,” Ren said warningly.

“They’re kitties is what they are!” one of the earth ponies shouted.

“Da. Little fluffy kitties,” said the other with a thick Russian…or I guess that would be Stalliongrad accent.
“Taking your pets out for a walk?” the skinny unicorn asked Fault. “You know you’re supposed to do that with dogs, right?”
“Yeah, but if I leave them inside for too long they get…aggressive.” She gestured towards me and the angry scowl I had on my face. I do not like being called a pet. Ask Seras.

“That’s understandable,” he said coldly. “Might I ask what they’re doing with those swords? Non ponies aren’t allowed to carry weapons.”

Oh Gods, not this again.

“Alright look,” I told him, “we already know how this is going to turn out. So how about we just skip all the drama and go our separate ways. Deal?”

“Of course. I would be more than happy to avoid trouble. After you give me those swords.” Behind him, the large accented stallion cracked his neck, the other stallion smiled evilly, and the griffin flexed his claws. “As law abiding citizens of our fair city, it wouldn’t be right of us to let such blatant rule breaking go. But if you cooperate, we don’t have to tell the guards who we got them from. Understand?” he said with a friendly smile.

Ren and I shared a glance.

“Do you want to or should I?” I asked.

“You take care of it. I’m still a little tired from lifting that lid.”

“Alright then.”

“Hah! You honestly think-” The unicorns retort was interrupted. By my fist. In his mouth. Once the punch was delivered, I grabbed onto his mane, spun him around in a circle and threw the lightweight bastard into a nearby dumpster. I turned my smiling gaze toward the stunned faces of his friends.

“Next?”

“Did you see that?”

“Yeah. That was cool!”

“You think that’s our guy?”

“No. That’s the other brown, flank kicking cat man.”

“Oh. Well then we better keep looking.”

…

“That was sarcasm, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. You just can’t seem to get the hang of it.”

“No, no I can’t.”

“Well that was fun,” I said, looking at the now unconscious punks.

“Damn. You guys don’t take any shit.” Wow, she is really getting good at this cursing thing.

“Actually we do, but not from wastes of flesh like these,” Ren snickers.

“Either way that was awesome!” The excited unicorn actually jumped into the air. “I definitely owe you guys a drink. So come on. Times wasting.” She started happily skipped off with the two of us watching with amusement.

“Our new friend seems to like violence,” I commented offhandedly.

“Taking past luck into consideration, she’ll love you,” he joked.

“Yeah. The funny thing is I was hoping to treat our time here as a vacation.”

We continued following the unicorn for another hour through a twisted maze of streets. Eventually, the signs of disrepair lessoned and the atmosphere began to turn less…oppressive. We didn’t stop until a large circular building came into view.

“There she is!” Fault announced. The place was made of wood and at least five stories high. Hanging over the door was a green sign that had ‘The Hall’ scrawled on it in fancy gilded letters. Even from this distance I could hear music coming from inside.

“The place we’re hiding in is a bar?” Ren asked incredulously.

“Not just any bar, the greatest bar in the world!” she said with a smile. It was at that moment I realized just how crazy our new friend was. “See the great thing about this place is it’s usually packed. And the crowd is mixed, so even unusual creatures like you two can blend into the crowd. Plus, I know the management. He’ll help us.”

“You’re insane!” he yelled at her. “We go in there and the guards will hear about it before we’ve finished our first drink. I don’t know about you, but I doubt they’ll be happy we made a mockery of their prison AND physically assaulted over a score of their police officers!”

“Yeah, well it’s not like you have any other options,” she snapped back. “You two are strangers here, and a species most people don’t recognize to boot! On top of that, you’re wanted criminals with no money! Do you honestly think anyone in a position to help you will? I’m your only option and I say this is where we should go!” She stomped a foot to add a bit of finality to her words. Ren looked at me furiously.

“She has a point,” I admitted. “Our hands are tied here. If she thinks the guy running that place will help us, then I say we go for it. At least until we find the tablet. Then we get the fuck out of this hellhole.” He let out a sighed filled with resignation.
“Fine. But if we get caught, I’m dragging you down with us.”

“Noted.” She walked off towards The Hall. I was ninety percent sure this was going to end extremely badly. Still it could be worse. At least I have a hand. Somnambula could have turned me into an ACTUAL cat. That would’ve sucked shit.

The three of us walked up to the bar. I felt my palm go slick from nervousness. It would only take one person recognizing us and we were screwed. I flinched every time someone looked at us. Most just simply arched an eyebrow and looked away. No one stopped us or tried to start a conversation or uttered the famous ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?’ Remembering what Ren said, I kept my eyes forward and tried to stay out of anyone’s way. It seemed to be working which marked the first piece of good luck I’d had in…ever.

“Jack,” I heard Ren whisper to me. “See that building over there?” He motioned to what looked to be a converted hotel. A sign out front said ‘The Hitching Post.’ It was pretty obvious what happened there. “These two across from each other are just asking for trouble. Watch yourself.” I nodded in agreement. Pony prostitutes. Who knew?

“Hey, that place can be a lot of fun,” Fault said with a smile. “Though they charge extra for seapony style. Tightwads.”

…

Okay...did not need to know that.

I filed that information away in the appropriate place and stepped into The Hall.

And at that very instant, people cheered.

For the band that was getting off stage.

“Dammit! We missed it,” Fault lamented. “Ahhh well, there’s always next week.”

I hoped I got to come here again next week. Just from first impressions I could tell this place was going to be great.
The entire interior was done in wood paneling to give it that old timey inn feel. The main room was a large circle with an enormous space in the center occupied by tables. There was a short staircase leading to a clear area in front of a modest stage to our left. That was the only flat wall in this place. To our right was a long bar backed up against the opposite wall. Above the main floor were four ringed outcroppings that stretched all the way around the side and straight into the back wall, leaving the stage open to the air. Above those was a series of seven balconies. All were occupied by chairs and tables.

“Damn,” I whispered, awestruck.

“Yeah, you never forget the first time you see this place.” The three of us walked to a podium that was right by the stairs leading up to the main seating area from the entrance. At the podium was seated a smiling green mare with an orange mane. She didn’t change her expression once, even when we were close enough that she could clearly tell we were an unfamiliar species. A true professional.

“Welcome to The Hall,” she said cheerily. “Would you prefer seating in the main area, or one of the rings…” She trailed off the second she noticed the pony at our head. “Fault! What are you doing here? Weren’t you arrested? And who are they?”
“They’re why I need to talk to Bright. Is he in?” I swear I saw the mare’s eye twitch.

“Do you know how many people come here every day? People who know you! People who don’t particularly like you? If just one person says the right word to the wrong pony, you’re done for!”

“Yeah, I know Reprise, that’s why I need to talk to Bright.” Reprise stared down at her in disbelief, then up to us.

“And them?”

“He’s Jack and that’s Ren.” I waved at her. Ren remained motionless. “They’re some of the people who helped me escape.”
“Some of the people.”

“The other two bailed the second they were out of the city. These guys have business here, but the guards will definitely be looking for them. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t already started distributing wanted posters.”

“Same day? Please. They’re not organized enough for that. Still, isn’t there anywhere else you could go? Someplace less…public?”

“Where there are people I trust? No,” she said simply. “Please Rep, I really need help on this one.” She stared at the other unicorn pleadingly. The greeter let out a long sigh.

“I’ll see what I can do. Just try to remain inconspicuous.” Fault gasped overdramatically.

“You doubt my skills?”

“You just got out of prison.” Her deadpanning complete, Reprise walked away. Presumably to go get this Bright person. Fault huffed angrily, then lead us over to a bench conveniently place in case anyone needed to wait for seating.

“So who’s Bright?” I asked her.

“He’s a friend of mine and a lot of other people. This whole place belongs to him. He should help us.”

“Should?” Ren asked, still suspicious.

“If he doesn’t let us stay here he might know a place where we can hide. At least until you guys do…whatever it is you’re doing here.” She let her head rest on the bench while exhaustion swept across her face. “At the very least we might be able to squeeze a few free drinks out of him. After today, I need one.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” I muttered. We sat there for a bit waiting for Reprise to come back. I listened to the idle chatter of the sober patrons, the stories and jokes of the partially drunk patrons, and the incomprehensible slurring of the completely smashed patrons. The only interesting thing that happened was a small scuffle that ended when a Diamond Dog threw a pair of ponies out into the street.

“Bright agreed to see you,” Reprise said, retaking her place at the podium. “He’s sitting at one of the tables in the back. There is one thing though.” She called over the D-Dog that threw the drunks out. “Those swords of yours…”

“No,” Ren growled immediately.

“Bringing them with you will just cause trouble. Mica here will bring them to a secure room-”

“I said no! I’ve already had two people try to take these from me! I will not let you be the third!”

“Ren,” I half growled at him. “We haven’t used them once since we got here. They’ve cause more fights then they’ve resolved. I know you don’t like to trust people, but we don’t have a choice. Besides,” I leaned in close so the others wouldn’t hear, “if worse comes to worse, we can just kick the crap out of everyone in here.”

For a few moments, he was silent. He had this look on his face like he just swallowed something unpleasant. It might have been his pride.

“Fine. But if they are not presented to me the second I wish to leave, I will personally ring the neck of everyone in here.”
“You could try,” Mica growled right back. Reprise nodded in agreement and we passed over Lux, Erebus, and Ren’s un-named dagger to Mica. As for my hidden weapon…what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. As long as they kept their word.

“Thanks Rep, I owe you one,” Fault said, smiling as we passed her.

“You owe me a lot more than one!”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as we stepped up to the main floor.

“Ha! I told you they’d come here! Now pay up!”

“You’ll get your money. What do you think boss?”

“Where are the other two?”

“Don’t know.”

“They probably left the city.”

“I suppose it doesn’t matter.”

“So…is he our guy?”

“I would like to see a demonstration before I come to any conclusions.”

“I’m on it.”

We weaved through the mess of the main floor. There was a near equal number of ponies and non-ponies in attendance. Here and there, waiters and waitresses (of various species) ferried food and drink to the crowd. Somewhere in the background a fiddle was being played, but there was too much activity for me to pin down exactly where.

It wasn’t hard to figure out where we were going. Sitting at a table exactly opposite the entrance was a bright red earth pony stallion that looked to be in his early fifties. He was idly taking shots of vodka as he surveyed the scene with calm eyes. When he saw us he broke out into a friendly smile.

“Hey Fault, how’s it going.”

“I’ve had worse days,” she said taking a seat. “Jack, Ren, this is Bright Red. Bright, this is Jack and Ren.”

“A pleasure,” he said simply before moving a trio of filled shot glasses in our direction. I didn’t touch it. I was still learning my limits when it came to drink and Stalliongrad vodka was famous for a reason. My two friends had no such qualms and downed the shots in an instant. “And before you ask, I call myself Bright because there’s already a thousand ponies named Red.”

“Believe me, I’m not about to get into an argument over names.” I stared pointedly at Ren, daring him to say something.
“So, what brings you three to my humble establishment?” He looked at Fault. “Other than drinking my vodka of course.”
“It just doesn’t taste the same when I get it from anywhere else. We need a place to hide.”

“Right, the jailbreak. There are rumors going around, but nothing official has been released yet. They’re keeping it quiet.”
“What a surprise,” she said dryly.

“Let’s just cut to the chase. Fault, why did you come here? You could have left. Gotten a fresh start. Gone and seen your family. They still send letters you know,” he said somberly.

“Stalliongrad’s my home. It’s been that way all my life and I’m not about to leave her because a few shiners are looking for me,” she said adamantly. They stared at each other for a few moments before he turned to us.

“And you two?”

“We have business in the city,” Ren answered. “We’ll only be here a week. Maybe more, depending on the disposition of an old friend of mine.” The stallion stared thoughtfully into his drink.

“I can think of a few people who’d be willing to put two people up for a week. If you can pay.” I winced slightly and I heard Ren emit a soft sigh. “Otherwise, you’d be better off just finding a dry roof or an unused balcony to camp out on until you finish whatever it is you’re doing.”

“We’d probably have to hide during the day if they start actively searching for us,” I pointed out.

“We’ve slept in worse conditions. We’ll be fine.”

“That’s good to hear. I can offer you rooms here for the night.” He switched back to Fault. “As for you, we’ll work out something in the morning. I still think you should leave the city.”

“Yeah, I should. But I won’t. Not unless that’s the only option.”

“It might well be.” He got up to leave. “You’re really lucky I like you Fault. Enjoy your drinks.” He started walking back towards the bar, leaving us alone.

“That was surprisingly easy,” Ren said.

“Yeah. He must have decided he likes you two.” Fault quickly poured herself another drink.

“How?” I asked her. “We barely had a conversation.”

“Trust me on this. Bright’s cutiemark might be a pyramid of shot glasses, but I personally think his talent is judging character. Now,” she raised her glass up high, “let’s drink!”

“There’s an idea I can get behind,” Ren said wearily. I rolled my eyes at the two of them and grabbed my glass. I raised the drink to my lips-

“HEY WATCH IT!” Cold liquid poured all over my back as the glass I was holding spilled on the table. I turned around to see an obviously intoxicated orange pegasus holding an empty mug. “I told ya ta watch it!” he screamed at me. I took a deep breath and shoved down my anger.

“Accidents happen,” I said calmly. “It’s nothing to get worked up about.” I took a glance at Ren. He motioned towards the drunk, effectively telling me to deal with my own problems.

“Nothin’ ta get worked up about! Ya shpilled ma drink!” he yelled, holding out the empty mug. “Ya owes me a new one! NOW!” People were staring at us again.

“First of all, you spilled it. When you walked into me. While I was sitting down. Secondly, I personally think you’ve had enough to drink. And Third, you spilled a drink of mine,” I motioned to the overturned shot glass, “so I think were even.” He stared at the small puddle of vodka open mouthed for a few moments.

“You makin’ fun of me?” His eyes narrowed dangerously. “Are YOU makin’ fun of ME?”

“No. I’m just stating the facts. So if you could kindly just go back to your seat, we could put this whole thing behind us.” I stared at him, hoping that some sense would work its way through the drunken haze in his brain so we could avoid a fight.
In retrospect, I should have seen the punch coming.

As his hoof connected with my nose and I fell against the table. I heard a group exclamation of surprise, followed by a few cheers of approval. Fault tapped me on the shoulder.

“Since he struck first, anything that breaks is his fault.”

…

“Good to know.”

I kicked upward, hitting the pony in the jaw. I followed up by pushing myself off the table and into a punch which the pegasus dodged. I turned right and threw up my arms just in time to block the kick he sent my way. The pony flapped its wings and flew above me.

What the hell? He’s not drunk!

The pony dove down at me. I grabbed onto him the second he connected, feeling the shock of the punch in my ribs. With a roll, I launched the pegasus into a nearby chair (the people seated around us had stood up and formed a ring).
Where the hell is that bouncer? Didn’t bars hire people to stop this kind of stuff?

He let out a low growl before charging at me. I found myself under a barrage of stinging wing slaps. With a growl of my own, I caught one and twisted. With the yelp of pain that came out of his throat and the reaction of the crowd, I’d put the move somewhere around a kick to the crotch. I let go only to have him head-butt me in the stomach.

I fell to the ground and let him get over me. I pushed up with both my legs and sent him into the air. He landed back first onto our table (luckily cleared by Fault). I stood up and quickly elbow dropped his head, knocking him unconscious.

“Can someone please explain why I keep getting attacked in this city?” I asked, ignoring the few scattered cheers from the crowd.

“Luck has never been kind to you Jack. Just accept it?” Ren said simply.

“I wonder why they didn’t break up the fight,” Fault said while poking the unconscious pegasus.

“I asked them not to.” We turned to see a maroon unicorn with a powdery white man smiling at us. She motioned to the unconscious pegasus. “I’ve had men watching you all day and I asked my employee there to provide me with a demonstration. It was a little short for my tastes, but I think you’ll do.”

“Do for what?” Ren asked. He shared my suspicion. I’d seen enough movies to know that whatever offer she’d make had an 83% chance to be something I wouldn’t agree to ethically and if I refused there was a 74% chance she’d make me regret it. Fault however, had a large smile on her face.

“Listen to her. I think I know what she wants and it could be very, very good for you.” I arched an eyebrow at her statement. I’d only known Fault for a day. I wasn’t completely sure if her morals would match up to mine. Before I could respond, a cough from behind us stole everyone’s attention.

“Maybe you shouldn’t discuss sensitive matters in public?” Bright suggested. The mare laughed.

“True enough. How much for a balcony?”

Let me just say this. Their balcony seating kicks ass. For ten bits your party can sit on the top floor in a little enclosed space and watch everything going on below. They even have a guy in the hallway whose only job is to take the orders from up here.

Ren, Fault, Bright, the mare, and I were all seated around a table in the outcropping across from the stage. Drinks had been provided. Again. And I didn’t touch them. Again.

I was really hoping this day would just end.

“Now then, I suppose I should introduce myself,” the mare started. “My name is Cedar.”.

“I’m Jack, this is Ren and Fault, and I’m guessing you know Bright.”

“I’ve had the pleasure of his company before. Now, I understand you and your friends are in some legal trouble.”

“That’s a polite way to put it,” Ren growled.

“Well…a few of my men saw you fighting and were impressed. I must say I am too. Not many people could defeat Citrus so easily.” I shrugged. “It’s nothing to dismiss. In fact, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.”

“For what exactly?” She smiled.

“You see, those of class in the city of Stalliongrad like to play…a game if you will.” Uh-oh. “All year we watch the city for anyone with martial talent. Then we host a tournament. Each member backs a fighter, we put them through a series of one on one bought, and we see who comes out victorious.”

I was about to forcefully decline. I was already in one of those and it cost me an arm. But before I could make any objections, Ren spoke up.

“Are these fights lethal? Is there any potential for serious injury?”

“Yes, but nothing fatal. Weapons aren’t permitted, but the fights are under what we have taken to calling ‘Stalliongrad rules.’ It goes on until one of the participants is unconscious. We do have trained medical professionals in reach at all times in case things get out of hoof.”

Once again, I tried to decline. And once again:

“What do you get if he wins?”

“Fame and bragging rights. Also any bets I’ve placed on him.”

“And us?”

“First prize for the contestants is 500,000 bits. Cash.” I swear a register went off the second she said cash.

“Well I…what?” I asked her.

“We do provide proper compensation for our fighters. We’ll also cover any medical care you may require for the duration of the tournament.”

“It’s a really sweet deal,” Fault said, nudging my shoulder. Bright remained silent. I think he was watching to see what I would do.

“It is, and I’m willing to make it sweeter.” She levitated some papers and a quill out of a small pouch she was wearing. Without ever looking away from us, she began to write. “What I am making here are two weapon permits. As long as you keep these on you, the guards won’t be able to bother you over those swords of yours. If you accept of course.”

“Why are you making this offer to me? Ren’s the better fighter,” I said, pointing to him.

“That I cannot dispute,” he said smugly.

“Yes, but this is as much a game of politics as it is combat. Crowds have a tendency to become more emotionally attached to a longshot. An old warrior that’s probably done this before…”

“I can’t dispute that either.”

“…has a much better chance of winning than an out of nowhere rookie. Both of us get a portion of the payout for your bets. If you come in with poor odds and start winning, we could both see some decent earnings.” It made sense. Though it still meant I was the one getting my ass kicked.

“Will I know who I’ll be fighting?” I figured I might as well find out as much about this as possible.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you. While we do gather all the fighters in one room for an orientation, the roster is randomized. You wouldn’t know your opponents until you step into the ring.”

“Will I have any time to prepare?”

“The first match isn’t for a month.”

I think that’s what made me actually consider the offer. A month to hone my skills and the chance to win 500K. It seemed like a pretty good idea.

“What do you think? We’re only supposed to be here for a week.” Ren leaned back and spent a few moments in silence.
“I should point out that the tournament itself takes place over the course of a few months,” Cedar said apologetically. “Fighters need time to fully recover between matches and it really hikes up the tension if you’re forced to wait to see whose going up against whom.”

“Oh…that could be a problem,” Ren mumbled. “If you’ll excuse us for a moment.” He motioned towards the door. The two of us got up and moved into the hallway where we wouldn’t be overheard.

“What do you think?” I asked him.

“Far too long. I want to be in and out of this city as fast as possible.”

“Why? You don’t know how long it would take to find the guy Copper sold the slab to. For all you know, it could take months to find it! Let’s face it, this is a big city and a week was more than optimistic.”

“I could find it in a week!”

“Then prove it. And in case you’re wrong, it will give us a pretense to stay in the city while you’re searching.”

“And if I find it before the tournaments over? She won’t be happy if you just decide to leave.” He leaned in close and began to whisper. “Equestria may seem all nice and happy on the outside, but some of these nobles will go to very drastic lengths if crossed.”

“Then it would be in our interests to see it through.”

“And while you’re getting your ass kicked, what will I be doing.”

“Searching for the slab?”

“And after that?”

“Whatever you want. Get to work on translating it, start preparing an expedition to wherever, help me train for the fights, take a vacation? I know for a fact there has not been a single day where you’ve done nothing since Valen. And before that you were a prisoner for five months! Take some time off!”

For a moment, we were both silent as he considered his options.

“Now that you mention it, I have been busy. But we’re still wanted criminals. I don’t want to camp out on a roof for longer than needed!”

“I believe I can help with that,” Bright said from his position in the doorway. Cedar and Fault stood to either side of him. Ren’s eyes narrowed angrily.

“You do realize this was a private conversation.”

“This is my bar. Nothing’s private unless I say it is,” he said simply. He motioned back towards the balcony and we grudgingly returned to our seats. “Since the good lady here has offered to help the three of you with your legal trouble,” the lady in question smiled, “I’m willing to offer Jack and Fault jobs as waiters.”

“Jobs?” I asked.

“Help with our legal trouble?” Ren mumbled.

“Consider your problems with the guards taken care of, regardless of what you decide.” Cedar smiled that smile that only politicians could do because they practiced it in front of a mirror a thousand times.

“I’m sure you saw those two ponies being thrown out earlier?” We nodded. “Those were a couple of my former employees. Despite what some may think I do not permit drinking on the job.”

“That’s…convenient.” I never get this lucky. It’s like a string of half-assed plot devices hastily thrown together at the last minute.

“I tend not to think about these kinds of things too much. It’ll drive you crazy. I can also offer room and board, though it’ll be taken out of your salary. For Ren to unless the two of you want to share a room.” We shared a look.

“I’ll just spring for the extra room,” I said hastily.

“So you agree?” Cedar asked.

…

“Yes. On both counts.”

“Excellent. Now I’ll just need your full names for the weapon permits.” I should have seen it coming. I should have been more careful. I should have done everything in my power to stop him.

“My full name is Ren-Thel. For him you can put Mango Jack Khajiit.”

For a moment, all was silent. That moment was shattered by the sound of Fault falling over laughing.

“Do I even want to ask?” Bright had a stunned expression on his face.

“It’s a long, aggravating story.” I would have expanded, but I was too busy practicing my heat vision on Ren who wasn’t even trying to hide his smile.

“Right…here you are.” Cedar passed the documents to us. Sure enough, at the bottom of mine in flowing script:

“Mango” Jack Khajiit.

“I hate you,” I growled at Ren, trying to ignore the smile on Cedar’s face.

“I know.”

“There is one more thing,” Bright said, talking over the still floored Fault. “There’s a tradition at the hall. I know Fault plays the harp, but you’re going to have to learn an instrument.”

“What? Why?”

“This used to be a concert hall. We need to respect that.” He said it with such an air of finality. I felt that this was one tradition I should follow.

“I’d love to, but there’s not much I can play with one hand.” I held up my wooden arm for emphasis.

“You only have one hand!” Cedar screamed.

“Eeyup,” I said smiling.

“I just hired a fighter with one arm,” she said softly. I swear I saw her eye twitch.

"Something tells me life is about to get interesting," Ren said with a chuckle.

I was inclined to agree.

A Simple Day

I awoke to once again find myself lying on a table in that strange black place.

“Oh no.”

“Hey Jack, how’s it going?” said Somnambula. I pulled myself up with a groan to find her reclining on a chair in front of me. She looked exactly the same as the last time I saw her. Save for one key difference.

“Wasn’t that a mace?” I asked, pointing to the jeweled dagger she was idly flipping.

“Please, I’m a goddess. I’m not bound by your petty laws of physics.” As it reached the peak of its latest toss, the dagger morphed into a hand axe with a glowing black gem as a pummel.

“You’re a goddess?” I arched an eyebrow at the self-claimed deity. “I thought you were a witch.”

“I can’t be two things?”

…

“Touché.” I got off the table, which I now saw was the stone alter from the Lacuni village. I suppressed a shudder at the thought of me lying on it. Anything to make me uncomfortable I guess. “So what are you the goddess of?”

“Repressed desires. All the things you’ve always wanted, but would never admit to yourself or others.” She got a speculative look on her face, like she was considering something important. “I guess you could technically classify me as a dark god though I have very little to do with shadows. Despite what some of my followers believe.”

“You have followers?”

“Yes. Even if they don’t realize it…” The look on her face was almost…sad. I didn’t know it was possible for gods to get depressed. I guess they’re emotions are still human, but you’d expect them to work differently because of the whole immortal…ness.

“So…did you want something from me?”

“Huh? Oh…right. Just came by to poke fun at the irony is all.” She summoned a lavish couch with a snap of her fingers and reclined against it. She snapped again and across from the couch spawned…a folding chair.

…

Fucking cheap ass goddess.

“The tournament?” I took my seat in that god awful chair and tried to ignore the fact that she made the steel cold as artic ice.

“It’s kind of funny. You’re mad when I pull you out of your world to compete in this little game of ours, yet at the first opportunity, you hop onto what is essentially the same thing, just minimized. Mortals never cease to amaze me with their hypocrisy.” One more snap of her fingers and a glass of red wine (god I hoped it was wine) showed up in her hand. She took a sip and inclined the glass my way. “Want some?”

“No thank you. If memory serves, I drank more than enough last night.”

“No kidding. I’m actually holding back the hangover right now. You’re in for one hell of a wake up.” She threw her head up and laughed maliciously.

“Going back to your previous statement, let’s look at all the things that were wrong with it.” I started counting off on my fingers. And that’s when I noticed that my wooden hand actually worked like a hand here. Kick-ass!

“1. It’s not funny. You’re fucking with my life. I never did anything to you, yet you sent me into…I don’t exactly want to call it a hell. There’ve been too many good things here for that. Still, dick move.”

“2. I wasn’t mad, I WAS FUCKING LIVID! Sarcasm is not a yes you dried up, demon fucking cunt!”

“3. You didn’t pull me out of my world, you SMASHED MY HEAD IN! And don’t claim it was just a light tap! I had a headache for hours!”

“4. Little? You are quite possibly destroying the lives of dozens of innocent people! Can you at least try to act respectful?”

“5. I didn’t just hop on to this thing, I actually considered it. Unlike your game, the rules, prize, and time limit were clearly laid out for me. And unlike your game, I suspect, I was actually given the opportunity to refuse. The pros outweighed the cons.”

“6. Actually, I agree with you on that one. Still, this tournament seems a lot less complicated!”

“7. You’re a god and you’re honestly going to talk to me about hypocrisy? Really?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” The look on her face made it clear this was not worth talking about. “And it is funny. You just can’t recognize it.” She suddenly stood up and looked down on me. “But enough about that. Do you remember my warning?”

“Yes…” I felt nervous as the incident came back to me. Trust me, when a god uses her ‘voice’, it’s not something you forget anytime soon. “I still have ten months before something horrible happens to me, right?”

“Pretty much.”

“I still don’t get-” I was cut off when, with no warning, she grabbed my forehead. Hard.

“WAKE!”

“That has got to be the most…OH GOD MY HEAD!”

The hangover hit like a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. Fast, powerful, and completely unavoidable. Though I can now honestly say I know what it feels like to have a jackhammer shoved through my temple.

“Alright, where is it?” I desperately fumbled around for my satchel since it held the one thing that would allow me to function with anything close to competent. “There you are.” The blue potion was a gift from…whatever gods the Bast worshipped. Maybe I should have asked Ren about our religion. Either way, I chugged it without ceremony.

No, it wasn’t a cure. Far as I knew, the only thing that could cure hangovers was time. It did, however, lessen the pain and allow me to focus. Which was important since today was the day I learned what exactly I was going to do around here.
I got up off the bed in the room they’d given me. It didn’t have much, just a dresser, a bed, and a nightstand. Still, it was a whole lot better than sleeping on a roof. I slept in my clothes and didn’t really have anything else to do, so I just left in search of the bathroom. Looking back, I always wore the same set of clothes. Never had to wash them. Come to think of it, I never had to brush my teeth either. Yet they were always the same shade of pearly white. That’s better than my human teeth. Not that I was complaining, but it was still odd.

“So you’re awake.” Ren was leaning against the guard rail right outside my door. I wasn’t that surprised. “I thought you wouldn’t be up for another few hours considering how plastered you were last night.” Apparently the tournament was an open secret and being invited into it was a big deal. And you know how Stalliongrad celebrates these things.
I drank two bottles. Not bad for a beginner.

“Yeah, well it’s mostly your fault. Why I let you talk me into a drinking contest…” We made our way over to the stairs (my room was on the third floor connected to the ring) and headed down. “Anything else happen last night? My memories a little fuzzy.”

“Fault tried to seduce you,” he said suddenly. I was so surprised I missed a step. “I stopped her though.”

“Oh…good.”

“Then she tried to seduce me.”

…

“How much did she have to drink last night?”

“She wasn’t drunk.”

…

“Wow. Her standards must be non-existant.” Without warning, he punched me in the head. Didn’t help my hangover, but the pain was worth the look on his face.

“Don’t act like you didn’t deserve that. Considering what I went through to keep you from embarrassment, you should be thanking me.”

“Says the man who calls me Mango Jack at every opportunity.”

“Shut up Mango.”

I really should have seen that coming.

“Good morning!” Fault, looking surprisingly cheerful considering the time and her alcohol consumption the night previous, met us on the first floor. “Sleep well?”

No. A bitch of a goddess is taking over my dreams.

“Like a log actually.”

“Well you could have slept better.” She said it with the look that…well you know it when you see it. At least if you’ve hit puberty.

“Uhhh…”

“Fault, we talked about this,” Ren said menacingly.

“What? He’s sober and of sound mind. That was the deal.”

“Deal? You guys are making deals about me while I sleep?” I wondered if anyone else had friends that did crap like this.
“You weren’t asleep, you were drunk.”

“Doesn’t matter. The answers still no,” I yelled at Fault.

“Fine.” She mumbled something along the lines of ‘You’re more fun when you’re drunk.’ I turned to Ren and glared at him. He just rolled his eyes. It was right at that moment that the rest of last night came back.

I was not a smart drunk.

“So what exactly is going to happen today?” I asked the unicorn as we reached the ground floor.

“Well, I come here a lot and Ren doesn’t have a job, so it’s mostly for you. Essentially they’re just going to show you around, get a basis of how stuff works…get a physical-”

“Wait what?” I am ashamed to say that my first thought was hoping they’d get an actual doctor instead of a vet. “Why do I need a physical?”

“You’re going to be serving food. I don’t know what you’ve heard of other places, but the Hall makes sure all its employees are healthy before we let them go anywhere near its patrons. Same goes for the Hitching Post if you’re wondering.”

“I wasn’t.”

“To each their own. Still it’s good to know in case you wake up there with no memory. Trust me, it’s not fun.”

“Are you always this friendly to people you just met yesterday?”

“Of course. Friendship is Magic after all.”

…

She may not be mane six, but I squeed on the inside when she said that.

“Well, I’m gonna head out. I have a little prick of a pony to find.” Ren said it with such determination that I had no doubt he’d find him. “You have fun at the doctor’s, okay Mango.” My eye twitched in the same instant Fault stifled a laugh.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“You dug your fruit flavored grave and now you have to lie in it. I’ll see you both later.” And with that, he calmly walked off. Almost as if he hadn’t metaphorically nuked any semblance of reputation I had.

“So…”

“Shut up.”

We walked up to the bar, which Bright was busy wiping down. Yeah, he owned the place and he worked the bar. He also wiped it down when he was talking to people. T.V. was right. And standing next to him with a bored expression on his face was…

A dragon?

Yeah, a dragon. A yellow dragon to be specific. He was about the size of those teenaged dragons from Spike’s episode. Kind of like Garble, except with a more serpentine head and a lack of and obnoxious overbite. His bright yellow scales were accented by tan on his underbelly and wings. All he was doing was reclining casually against the bar. As we approached, he looked up at me through slitted brown eyes.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Bright said from behind the counter. “Good morning.”

“Not really.” I held my left hand out to the dragon. “Jack Khajiit.” I figured if I can’t have it as a first name, I might as well take it as my last name.

“Really? I thought your name was Mango.” And any hopes of this day being a good one went down the crapper with the snickers Fault was trying to cover up. “I’m Crisp,” he said taking my hand. He sounded young, which made sense considering he was the size of a teenager.

“You will be working the third floor and Fault has the first. Crisp here works on the second so he’s going to be showing you how it works.” I have to admit, any place that has a dragon working as a waiter gets a few points in the badass department. “We’re closed on Sunday so you both start tomorrow. Have fun and don’t burn anything down.” With that, Bright walked over to a door located behind the counter and went inside.

Around us, I could see other employees getting up to do…actually; I don’t think most of them had anything to do today. The Hall employed about thirty people. And half of them were non-ponies which explained why this place was packed with both groups yesterday. Only about ten actually lived on the premises and most of those went out on Sundays. I had to stay to learn about things.

“That part about burning stuff down…was that a joke?” And so and uncomfortable silence was born.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” The dragon deftly dodged my question and led us in front of the stage. “We always try to fill up the ground floor first. We only send people to the upper rings if they request it or if we don’t have enough rooms. This usually means they’re here for food and not drinking, so we like to start new people off with the less drunk patrons.” Made sense, a good way to learn the ropes.

“Do I have to be here? I already know this stuff.”

“Yes you do Fault. Everyone had to go through it. No special privileges.” The look on his face suggested he really hated the fact. “Hell, I’ve lived here for ten years and they still made me.” Now that’s interesting. My best guess was that he was fifteen. Which brings up the question of what a five year old dragon was doing in Stalliongrad.

“So what are you actually going to show us?”

“Just the kitchen and the delivery system. Come on.” He led us to some plain doors on one side of the stage that said in. I could only assume there were doors on the other side that said out. Inside was a rather lavish kitchen. The appliances looked…not new, but maintained. Still, it was a pretty decent setup. The only person here was a griffin that was busy putting some dishes away in one corner.

“Hey Robin,” Crisp called out to her. It was pretty easy to see why she was called robin. I don’t know whether they were natural or dyed, but all of her head feathers were bright red. When she saw us, she nodded by way of greeting.

“Crisp, Fault. This the new guy?”

“Allow me to introduce you to…”

“Don’t you dare.” Once again, I find myself trying to use heat vision.

“Mango Jack!”

I swear to whatever Gods that are listening, if you send some lightning Ren’s way, I will loyally serve you for the rest of my life!

The gods thankfully could recognize joking and remained silent.

“Exactly how did you manage to get that nickname?” she asked between snickers.

“It’s a long story that I really don’t repeat.” Honestly, would you? You’ve seen the kind of shit I’ve had to deal with. And I skipped Gallopoli! So much trolling…

“Ah, we’ll force it out of you someday. I’d love to stay and chat, but I got a date!” With that she happily walked off whistling a nonsensical tune.

“If you value your life, don’t hit on her,” Fault said in the most serious tone I’d ever heard her use.

“I wasn’t really planning to, but why?”

“You know that D-Dog who took your weapons last night?” It was kind of hard to forget. The guy was the size of a small sedan. “He’s her boyfriend. And he’ll kill you.” I would say it was a joke…but no one could joke with that amount of seriousness on her face.

“Good to know.”

“Well…let’s look at that delivery system, shall we?” Crisp took us over to a small panel on the side of the wall. He opened it up to reveal a dumb waiter. “Since no one wants to carry heavy trays up and down flights of stairs, we send them back and forth through these two elevators. One for food,” he patted the one we were looking at, “and one for dishes,” he pointed across the room where a similar panel could be seen next to the sink. “These little cards here have floor numbers on them. You just take all the platters with number three (one for you Fault) and serve the food. Then you put them in the other elevator with the cards and send them back down.”

“That’s it?”

“Yep. Now let’s go see where you’ll be working.”

He led us out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the third floor. Sure enough, another panel was embedded into the flat wall.
“The system is very simple. You’ll start the night on the other side. Then you’ll go around to any occupied table and take the orders. Then you’ll wait for the food here and take it out. On the other side, you’ll put the dirty plates in the other elevators. And on the way back over here from that, you’ll take orders again. Feel free to clear table and take orders in between food deliveries. You’ll also be responsible for sweeping and mopping the floor when the days done. Oh, one more thing. Are you comfortable serving fish?”

All I did was give him a blank stare.

“Sorry, have to ask. And that’s it. Any questions.”

“Not really. It all seems pretty straight forward.” I took a curious peak over the edge. The place seemed deserted except for a pair of ponies trotting through the doorway. “Who’re they?”

“They? Oh! They’re here early. You just have to take care of some stuff, and then you can go.” I looked at Fault who seemed…nervous. I shrugged and motioned for the dragon to lead the way.

We went back downstairs to be greeted by three ponies. Bright had come out of what I assumed was his office and was busy chatting with a yellow pegasus. She had an orange mane and bright blue eyes and was wearing a very colorful dress. The second was a gray unicorn with a sterile white mane and a needle for a mark. He was busy pulling things out of a medical bag, but turned his gaze to us the second we appeared. His eyes were brown and hard.

“All done with the tour?” Bright asked.

“Pretty much. There wasn’t that much to show them anyway. Can I go now?” Bright nodded and the dragon broke out into a grin. “Sweet! I’ll catch you guys later!” And with that he was out the door and I was left alone with the four ponies.

“Can I go to?” Fault asked…timidly? Bright just shook his head slowly. She immediately tried to hide behind my legs.

…

You know that feeling you get when you know something horrible is about to happen?

Bright turned back to the two ponies.

“You both know Fault. This is…”

“Mango cat. Ve heard. Had good laugh.” The unicorn had the voice of that guy you only go to if you have no other option. You know the one in the back alley that ‘misplaced’ his medical license.

“Yeah, yeah, I have a bad nickname. What of it?”

“Nothing dear. I think it’s charming.” The pegasus spoke with a certain…quality to her voice. I couldn’t really describe it, but it instantly put me at ease. One of those inflections that just made everything sound…comfortable.

“Jack, allow me to introduce you to Stiff Drink, proprietor of the Hitching Post,” the pegasus did a short bow, “and Mal Practice, our local doctor,” the unicorn nodded coldly.

There was something seriously wrong with that last paragraph. Did you catch it?

“You use a doctor named Mal Practice?” I asked worriedly.

“He’s the best around,” Bright said with a smile.

…

“I’m guessing this is the physical I was told about?”

“I must make sure cat is healthy before cat can touch food.” He pulled out that small hammer doctors have and gave it an experimental wrap on the table.

“You’re a real doctor right? Not a vet?”

“Da. I do not like the fuzzy little creatures. Make skin crawl.”
“Okay, just checking.” I looked at Fault who was still pulling the scared little girl act behind my legs. “Scared of doctors?” She nodded timidly. I wanted to say something comforting, but…the doctor is named MAL PRACTICE for Celestia’s sake! How do you make that sound good? “Well…I guess I’m going first then.”

“Mango cat is correct.”

I’m going to skip most of what followed because I doubt you want to hear about me having a doctor’s appointment. It was essentially all the things you have to do when you get your annual checkup. He looked in my mouth and ears, listened to my heart, took a bit of blood, nothing out of the ordinary (although he did swing that little hammer much harder than was necessary).

“What, no shots?” I asked when he was finished.

“I am not familiar with your kind’s physiology. Any medicine I gave you could react very badly with any of your systems. I would suggest consulting with a physician of your own race.” And the only Bast doctors I knew were in the village I’d left to get here.

Sometimes I still wonder why I didn’t just stay.

“Alright Fault, it’s your turn.” Bright approached the mare slowly, as if she were about to bolt. Maybe she was. I couldn’t tell. Still, she didn’t say a word as Bright let her over to the (badly named) doctor. He went through all the procedures and the most she did was squeak when he took blood and gave her shots.

“There. Young mare is all done now.” The stallion emotionlessly packed up his gear and headed out. “Results of blood tests will be in mail along with bill. Same as always. Goodbye.” And then he left.

This day is surprisingly simple.

“Mal’s always been a cold one,” Stiff said with a smile.

“For someone who’s afraid of doctors, you handled that pretty well,” I said to Fault. She took a deep breath and smiled.
“I trust Mal. No one else.” She shuddered a bit, probably remembering the horrors of a place specifically designed to save lives.

Am I the only one who thinks it weird to trust a doctor named Mal Practice?

“So,” I said, turning to Stiff Drink, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, I’m just an old friend of Bright’s. He told me about this interesting young man he hired and I just had to come see for myself.” She smiled at me. Her teeth were whiter than I’d ever seen. Which made me wonder if she actually brushed her teeth. “I must say, interesting is certainly a fitting description. Is it true about your arm?”

I made three solid raps on the table, letting the dull thunks of wood on wood sound throughout the bar.

“My sympathies.”

“I’ve gotten over it.” Mostly…

“Well…that’s good then.” She stood up and began moving towards the door. “Well, I won’t keep you. I have a business of my own to run you know. I hope we’ll see each other again soon.” And like that, I was left alone with Fault and Bright.

“So…” the unicorn began.

“You can go Fault.”

“Yes!” She literally leaped up into the air. “Come on Mango! I’ll show all the best parts of the city.”

“Actually, I need to talk to him about something.” His face shifted into the look of a man announcing an execution. “Something very important.”

“Umm…okay, sure.” I looked at Fault. “I’ll see you later I guess.”

“I think I know what he means Jack,” she said to me with a look that matched Bright’s. The whole thing was making me feel very uncomfortable. “Stay strong.” And with that she left.

As fast as she possibly could.

“Bright, what exactly do you have to talk to me about?”

“You entered the city recently right?” I nodded. “And you plan to stay for more than a month?” It looked that way. “For me to hire you, I need to make sure it’s square with the local government. They need to have you on record. This means…” He sighed audibly. It did not boost my confidence about this situation. “The two of us are going to have to go down to city hall and fill out paperwork.”

…

Kind of anticlimactic.

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Oh, it gets worse.” Now he had the look of a man who just received his own execution order. “The stallion we’ll no doubt have to talk to is one of the worst people it has ever been my displeasure to meet.”

“Who?”

“The mayor. Ward Hoofer.”

Yes, after...I forget how many weeks of hiatus, I'm back! With a pretty boring chapter...sorry.

In other news there are a few things I need to share with all of you.

1. The new coverart was done by the should be famous Io. Sorry ShadowWeaver, but...just look at that thing! I hope you all like it cause that's how he looks now. I went back and changed the description in chapter two and everything.

2. I took that part with the Latin speaking out of chapter ten. I decided that the plan that was for just made everything to complicated. Everything should be in English from now on.

3. I started college last week so while I will try to keep my previous once-a-weekish update schedule, it might be more like every week and a half.

4.???

5. PROFIT! (Had to use this joke somewhere.)

And that's pretty much it. Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed it, at least a little.

Skeir: A New Home

And now for something completely different. Explanation is at the end.

“My Specter guts your Priestess. I win!”

Raden stared in shock at the makeshift Scrap board in front of him. Crudely drawn symbols in the dirt represented various terrain while differently marked stones marked troop positions. The board was predominantly owned by his blue pieces, yet they had been outflanked and outmaneuvered by the red pieces. The entire game had come down to one red stone trapping his blue one. Specifically, the one with a pair of horns painted on the top.

He was broken out of his examination by a giggle from the six year old girl that had so thoroughly crushed him at one of the most complicated board games ever made.

“But…how did you…”

“You left your flanks open. Like you always do.” She gave him a look full of false disappointment. “You’re not very good at this game.”

“And you’re not supposed to be good at this game!” After four consecutive losses he was ready to tear his fur out. “There are people who spend years learning this games BASICS! You aren’t supposed to be this good after three weeks!”

“Well maybe I’m not that good. Maybe you’re just that bad,” she said with an impish smile.

“Maybe you’re just annoying.” She laughed again which only managed to make him more annoyed. He realized there was no chance of him winning this battle and admitted defeat with a sigh. “How about we play a different game. One I actually have a chance at beating you at. And yes, those exist!” The little Skaven girl laughed all the harder at his expression, going so far as to roll on the floor. Like every other time she wasn’t looking, his eyes were automatically drawn to the two black horns growing out of her head.

“We could play dice.” At the sound of her voice, his eyes immediately snapped down to hers. As far as she knew, the horns weren’t a problem. He intended to keep it that way for as long as possible.

“Good idea. I don’t think I’ve taught you that one yet.” She shook her head which made him smile. “Maybe I could even win a few rounds before you master it.” She laughed again while he left to find the dice set their mother had carved.

He supposed they were lucky. After all, the cave they’d found was fairly large and dry. Better than some places he’d seen people living. And it was far enough from Sheol to escaped notice, but still close enough that scavenging wasn’t too difficult. He had it better than most people he knew.

Of course, most people didn’t have to keep their little sister hidden all the time.

He left the tiny alcove that served as their bedroom (though mat room would have been more appropriate), pulling aside the thick cloth they used as doors. The main room was filled with anything and everything they could use. Scraps of cloth or metal, old trinkets, assorted tools, anything they could beg, scavenge, or steal. They’d even found an old chair. One of the legs was missing, but they’d used a stack of ruined books to keep it level. It was hardly ever moved from its place beside the fire pit which wasn’t lit except to cook since wood was rare.

And it wasn’t like they needed the light. Skaven eyes could see perfectly in the bright sunshine of the surface or the pure darkness of the lower caves where light never touched. Or at least, that’s what he’d heard. Something about their innate magic and connection to shadows. He supposed it worked considering he could see, but-

“Having fun?” He turned towards the voice to see his father leaning against the wall. “Or did you get tired of losing.”

“No…yes…shut up!” He turned away, trying to hide his smile. “Where’s that dice set we have? I want to show Skeir how to play.”

“Really? Well…I guess you could win a few games before she masters it.” He forced himself to ignore the comment while his father snickered. “I think I left it behind the pots. If not then it’s probably under some junk somewhere.”

“Thanks.” He ran over to a large stack of cookware they kept near the fireplace. His mother had often talked about building some shelves to hold things like that instead of leaving it on the ground, but they couldn’t spare the material. He checked behind the stack and found one pot toppled on its side. Sure enough, he found a small cloth sack lying there. What it was doing there, he’d never know. His parents were weird like that.

“Lesk! Angra!” Raden’s gaze snapped to the entrance to their cave. Just outside, he could see Illic, one of his parents’ friends, running towards them at full speed. At the noise, his mother came out of their room and joined his father at the entrance.

“Illic, what’s the matter?” she asked him as he slid to a stop.

“Gerg just got back from the overlook! He saw Oulan with a PRIESTESS! She’s got an entire retinue with her and their coming HERE!”

For a moment, everything froze. Raden wasn’t afraid of much, you didn’t last long if you were, but this was the one thing that terrified him. That terrified all of them. The only reason they lived in caves outside of Sheol was to escape notice. Especially when things like Skeir were concerned.

Oulan didn’t like them. Not one bit. He swore they were cursed. Most of the other’s just left them alone, preferring not to get involved. A few like Illic and Gerg actually helped them, but for the most part, they were just a part of life most palecoats wanted to forget.

But the one thing that they all agreed on was this. The Clergy could NEVER find out about Skeir’s horns. EVER. If they were lucky, they’d just kill her and be done with it. If they were unlucky…

His mother said they couldn’t handle another purge.

“Dammit! I knew we should have killed him when we had the chance!” his father raved.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Illic said, trying to console him. “We don’t have time. She’ll be here any moment.”

“Raden, you know where to go?” his mother asked. He nodded. They’d gone over the plan hundreds of time. “Get the bag, grab your sister, and head for the Wilds. Don’t go too far in. We’ll come get you when it’s safe.”

He didn’t pay attention to the rest of what was said. It wasn’t important, he knew what to do. He grabbed the small bag hanging from the wall where it never moved. It had a week’s worth of food and water, a few supplies, and a dagger in case things went bad. After a quick check to make sure he had everything, Raden dashed back towards the alcove where Skeir was. The second he walked in, she looked up from the Scrap pieces she was rearranging and smiled.

“Did you find the dice?”

“No time, we have to go.” He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her over by the wall.

“Ow! That hurts!” She pulled her arm away and glared at him.

“Yeah? Well it’ll hurt a lot worse if we don’t get going now!” He dug his claws into a section of the rock and pulled it away. A long tunnel appeared before them, just large enough for him to fit through. He supposed they were lucky. Another year and Skeir would have to go alone.

“But…”

“Look,” he said, trying to sound calm. “I’ll explain everything later, but we don’t have time right now. Alright?” She looked confused and scared. He’d expected as much. The plan was to tell her as soon as she was old enough to understand, but they’d been putting it off. She should have learned all this months ago. “Just know that some very bad people are on their way here and we can’t let them see us.”

“So…it’s like hide and seek?” she asked with just a touch of excitement. Raden put on a false smile.

Whatever worked.

“Yes. A very important game of hide and seek that we CAN’T LOSE. Got it?” She nodded with a quiet laugh. Any fear she felt was either gone or hidden. “Alright. You go in first. I’ll be right behind you.”

“Where are we going?” she asked as she crawled into the tunnel. He followed shortly after, dragging the supply bag along. As he passed through the entrance, he grabbed the hinged stone with his tail and pulled it back to its hidden position.

“Hopefully, someplace they won’t follow.”

“You, how much farther.”

“Not far,” the white furred man squeaked. Kylar had to admit, the guy had guts. Most of them wouldn’t even approach a commoner, let alone a priestess. Especially one like his sister.

“Good.” She smiled to herself. A very specific smile. The one years of experience had taught him it was best to avoid or the blood about to be spilled might be yours. “Specter!” One of the rats following them snapped to attention. She was wearing full body coverings that hid everything save a strip of gray fur and her red eyes. “Go on ahead and make sure the vermin is telling the truth.” The woman nodded and ran off. “The rest of you, pick up the pace. I want this dealt with as quickly as possible.”

The twelve remaining rats went into a light jog, save Cali who seemed to move at whatever speed she wanted while maintaining an elegant stride. Appearance was everything to the clergy, same with tradition.

Which was why they were traveling into an area full of people who hated them with only six soldiers, a Plague Priest, a Specter, a Member of the Cloth, a Harbinger, the poor sod who told them of the girl, his sister ‘her reverence Lady Cali, member of the second level,’ and her brother. Him.

“Is this really necessary?” he asked her. She stopped fingering the gold chain rapped around her body long enough to give him a withering look.

“The High Priestess herself ordered it. Of course it’s necessary.”

“But why go through all this trouble for a six year old girl?”

“A HORNED six year old girl. Don’t forget that.” Her fists clenched subtly. “The fact that she was even allowed to live past her first hour is an insult to everything we believe in.”

“Everything YOU believe in,” he muttered darkly. One of the soldiers in front of him missed a step.

“What was that brother? I didn’t quite catch it.” Her tone made it perfectly clear how dangerous his thoughts were.

“You do realize that if she had a darker coat you would probably be presenting her with sweets right about now.” Thankfully she accepted the subject change with a short laugh.

“True. But she doesn’t. So instead I’m going to present her blackened skull to the Horned Ones.” The irony of her statement seemed to elude her. “At least I have a fun assignment for once.”

“You find this fun?”

“Of course! Taking a nice walk, stirring up the locals, adding a few more tallies to my kill count, it’s very refreshing. It’s even worth putting up with trash like this.” She motioned toward the betrayer (what else could he be called) which caused him to flinch, as though she could kill him with a wave of her hand.

She probably could, but he still thought it an overreaction.

“My Lady.” The Specter returned, dropping out of nowhere as they were want to do. Three of the less experience guards, as well as the excitable Rotter, jumped in surprise. The rest of them retained their composure. They were trained to after all. Except for the Cloth Bearer who was lost in her thoughts, muttering about the arcane. He always wondered what aspect of their training caused such distance from reality. And whether or not they were really shaved bare under those hoods.

“What do you have to report?”

“It is as this one says.” She motioned towards the pale coated man who once again flinched. “There is a large cavern at the end of this tunnel. Many of the white coats have made their home there. Almost like a little town.” She emitted a laugh that was far too cute for someone who knew as many ways to kill as she did. “It’s almost like they’re people.” The betrayer looked like he was about to say something, but wisely held his tongue.

“Good. All save the Harbinger and my brother shall go on ahead and prepare a perimeter. We shall follow in a few moments.” Kylar raised a brow in confusion, but said nothing. The others saluted and ran off, taking the very scared white rat with them. A few moments were spent in silence save for the Harbinger’s heavy breathing.

“Is there something you wish to discuss my Lady?” he asked, nearly choking on the last word.

“Hold him.”

Before he had a chance to react, the large, meaty arms of the Harbinger clamped around Kylar and slammed him into the wall. The magically modified beast of a Skaven let out a bellowing roar right in his face.

“Let’s get one thing perfectly clear,” the voice of Cali told him as she walked straight up to the ten foot beast and leaned against him. “I will not allow our family to be dishonored. No matter the cost.” The tip of her staff flared with something that could only be described as dark light as she placed it right under his nose. “Do not forget that you are a third child. Expendable. Just because you’re my brother does not excuse you.” With her threat made, she turned away from him and towards the village. “Do not forget what happens to dissenters.”

Kylar looked at the monstrosity before him. Its muscles flexed, showing off their unnaturally large size under thick, hairless skin. The thing stared into his eyes for a moment, allowing him to see the complete lack of intelligence behind them. Nothing but raw emotion tethered to the priestess than held its leash. It snorted once, letting its hot fowl breath assault his nostrils before dropping him and continuing after Cali.

He stared after the pair with barely disguised disgust. Still, she had a point. He had been lax lately, confident that she would not punish family. He’d forgotten that her station always came first.

He would have to be more subtle with his taunts in the future.

The young noble picked himself up and ran after his sister. It wouldn’t due to aggravate her more than he already had. He was reaching the boundaries of what he could get away with and to cross them was a fate worse than death.

Her reached the end of the long tunnel and got his first glimpse of the settlement that had supposedly sprung up here. A single white rat with a bow was sitting on a cliff, keeping her gaze intent on the surrounding area. She visibly relaxed when he came into sight. She probably counted out the party and was worried the missing member was about to stab her in the back. He paid her no mind and continued into the village.

The area where the outcasts had chosen to make their home turned out to be a large cavern with dozens of smaller caves carved out of the rock. Various pieces of rusted metal served as walkways, decoration, or as a makeshift defense. A large pool full of deep, black water sat in the center.

The entire population, anywhere from five hundred to a couple thousand, had gathered to watch his sister who so arrogantly walked straight into the middle of the pool to address them. An enchantment from the Cloth Bearer he guessed since he could see her meditating on the ground whispering words in the deep language under her breath. To the Clergy, visual power was everything. Which was probably why she had the soldiers form a circle around it, spears out. The Specter and the Harbinger idly circled the edges of the crowd, looking for trouble. The Rotter was standing in a corner giggling to himself. What thoughts went on in his head, no one wanted to know.

“I don’t have time for pleasantries and I’m only going to say this once,” she stared at them with the unique ability the powerful seemed to have where they looked at every single member of the audience personally and all at once. No doubt she was daring someone to interrupt her. “We are here to address the rumors of a hidden abomination. Where is she?”

A man, old but not frail, approached them. Kylar commended him on his ability to hold his head up high despite the obvious danger of the situation.

“We hide nothing. Your rumors are false. That’s all they are to begin with.” Now that was impressive. To lie in front of a Priestess was almost unheard of. Mostly because anyone who was foolish enough to do so died horribly. Cali however, just smiled and motioned Kylar and the betrayer forward. They did so, him much more calmly then the terrified man beside him. He almost felt bad for him considering nearly every single person here was staring at him with open contempt.

“That is not what your friend here told us.” She grinned menacingly, knowing she was signing his death warrant. “Tell them what you told us. Might refresh their memory.” He winced and began to stutter. After a moment of this, Cali grew tired and struck him across the jaw. “Do not make me ask again.”

“Her name is Skeir!” he shouted. “Her parents are Lesk and Angra. She has a thirteen year old brother named Raden. They live in a small alcove behind the wall there.” He pointed to a few sheets of rusted metal that served as a makeshift gate.

“And what about her is of interest?” The man was silent for a few moments. Kylar was sure he could feel every ounce of the hate that was directed at him for bringing such danger to their home. Finally, he broke down and spoke in little more than a whisper.

“She was born with horns.”

“There. Now that wasn’t so hard was it?” The look he gave her might have fazed a lesser Skaven, but Cali just laughed. “It appears you have a choice to make,” she told the old man. “I am under orders to begin a purge if I find you are being uncooperative.” The fear that entered the cave was so intense that Kylar swore the temperature dropped. “So what will it be? One family or all of them?”

“I will lead you to them,” he said without hesitation. It was the only decision. Threats made by the Clergy were never idle.

“Mistress, that will make us one too many,” the Specter piped up.

“True.” She turned her gaze to the betrayer. “I guess you’ll just have to stay behind then.” For the poor man, it might as well have been a sword to the gut. He merely nodded and stared at the ground. “Good. Take us there.”

“Follow me,” he said, letting one last dark look fall on the man who had dared to risk them all for whatever reward he was promised. The rest of their party turned and followed him, leaving the man to his fate.

When they got to the wall, the Harbinger simply grabbed it and tore it down. The old man simply sighed. Kylar followed his sister into the hidden hallway. A long hallway chiseled out of the rock led to a grouping of slightly larger caves. Most likely given to families of note.

“Which one is it?” Cali demanded. The old man slowly pointed to one far in the back, tucked behind a turn in the wall. A smile that was especially malicious appeared on her face. “Your work is done. Wait here or come along to watch,” she told him. With a swift motion, she directed the rest of their party towards the cave, passing by the elder who only stared at the floor silently.

“How to play this…” she spoke under her breath. Kylar was slightly disgusted at how joyful she looked, but remembering the incident earlier he held his tongue. No one came out as they approached. He knew they could tell his party was here. The thundering steps of the Harbinger did more than enough to announce their presence. The priestess raised her staff and pounded its butt against the wall. The noise created by the enchanted metal was far greater than it should be. “Come out. Now.”

A shuffling was heard from inside as three figures appeared in the doorway. Two men and a woman. One of the men stood off to one side by himself, marking him as either a friend or a relative.

“How may we serve you?” the woman asked, showing the proper amount of submission.

“Lesk and Angra?” Cali asked tonelessly. The couple nodded. “Kill all three.”

With that, the Harbinger dashed forward and grabbed both their heads in his gigantic hands before they could even try to dodge. He slammed the two of them together hard enough to break their skulls and create a gods awful squishing sound that caused Kylar to wince and the soldiers to cheer in delight. It made him wonder why the beast even had an oversized ax strapped to its back when it could do that with its bare hands. While this was happening, the Specter ran up to the second man and sliced open his throat. He died without a sound, his face bearing more resignation than surprise. The Harbinger let the bodies drop.

“Good boy,” she said, patting its side. The monster growled contently at the praise. “You six, find the kids.” The soldiers saluted and proceeded into the cave, stepping around the mess. Within seconds, sounds of destruction echoed into the cavern as the overzealous troops tore apart everything they could get their hands on. After about five minutes of this, one of the soldiers returned, his face lined with worry.

“We…can’t find them.” Kylar had lived with Cali long enough to notice the subtle twitch of her eye.

“I should have guessed. Gather the rest of your squad and wait outside with Harbinger. The rest of you, with me.” The squadron of soldiers filed out while those chosen to accompany the priestess stepped inside the cave. The place was wrecked (not that it looked very organized to begin with). Scrapped supplies and tools were strewn haphazardly around by the troops who apparently thought ‘find the kids’ meant ‘break everything in sight.’ Kylar had to give them points for being thorough.

“I don’t see anywhere they could have hidden,” he told his fuming sister. “There doesn’t appear to be anything here at all. Just all this junk.”

“We have to find them,” she said simply. “Ursula will have my head on a pike if I come back empty handed.” It made Kylar shudder to think that she was probably understating what would really happen. “Rotter, do you have a scent.”

“In a moment mistress,” the decaying man said in a voice that wouldn’t be out of place in a tomb. Despite the unbearable stench they had to live with (a good rule of thumb was to stay at least five feet away from them at all times, ten if they are wet) Plague Priests were gifted with an extraordinary sense of smell. It was something the Specters had been trying to reproduce for generations.

“Children were here,” he rasped. The Priest in question was using his skill to great effect, sniffing every surface he could find. He slowly started working his way over to one of the curtains separating ‘rooms’. “Two of them. One male, one female. Male is older. They’ve lived here for years.”

“How could you possibly know all that?” the Specter asked with just a hint of jealousy.

“There scent coverers everything, along with their parents. Different chemicals signal different stages in life. The boy has just become of age to mate while the girl has not yet had her first heat cycle.” He inhaled a large amount of air and stayed silent for a moment. “They came this way.” He shambled over to one of the curtains and entered to room on the other side. Cali motioned them all to follow. Kylar was loath to enter close quarters with the rotten man, but his sense of self-preservation overruled his disgust and he entered the small alcove.

The soldiers had no more spared this room then they had the entrance. Two sleeping mats on the floor had been completely torn to shreds. Broken toys and crude game pieces found their final resting places amid the scraps. The Rotter was over by the far wall, running his hands over every inch. After a moment or two a loud click was heard and with surprising strength, he ripped a stone out of the wall.

“They went through there,” he said, pointing at the small tunnel revealed in the rock. The Specter ran up (being careful not to touch the diseased being beside her) and examined the hole. The assassin sighed audibly, a sure sign of bad news.

“They are smarter than I thought.” She returned to Cali, head down as if expecting punishment. “Mistress, the hole was sized specifically for the young. None of us can fit through without injury.”

“Clever little bastards aren’t they.” Her voice betrayed no small amount of annoyance. Patience was not something his sister had in excess. “Can you resize the tunnel?” she asked of the Bearer.

“Yes, but it would take time, and earth magic isn’t exactly silent. By the time I was finished, they would have realized we were coming and fled.”

“Then there is only one option.” Her gaze shifted to Kylar. “Go on, do your trick.”

“I was told to keep it hidden.” He tried to cover up his eagerness at a chance to finally put his ability to use.

“Special circumstances permit a bending of the rules. Do not make me repeat myself.”

“Alright.” He approached the tunnel, mentally preparing himself for the strain that would follow. “I suppose you want me to bring them back alive?”

“No, kill them both and bring back the girl’s head. I won’t risk them escaping.” The order surprised him enough that he had to restrain an outburst. Cali usually enjoyed doing such things herself. For her to pass the task to him meant she felt it was the utmost importance that it be done, no matter who performed it.

It was so out of character for her that he almost missed the fact that he’d been ordered to kill a child.

“As you wish.”

The magic wasn’t that hard, at least not anymore. He’d spent three minutes practicing in secret after he rediscovered the old recipe. I simply involved clearing your mind, picturing what you desired, and a little pain.

As he summoned the energy required, he felt his body begin to change. His bones shifted while skin stretched. His structure was elongate as his spine reconfigured to a quadropedic structure. He was forced to drop down on all fours as it could no longer support his weight. The whole process only took half a minute, but when it was done he resembled a very large, very lean rat. He let out a little screech (his vocal cords having also been reconfigured) and looked towards the others. All but his sister were staring in shock.

“Come back with her head or don’t come back at all.” Knowing what refusal brought, he simply nodded and entered the tunnel.

It was her life or his and the Skaven had no gods for mercy.

“How much farther?” she asked him, her voice betraying no small amount of annoyance. Raden wasn’t surprised. They’d been crawling through the tunnel for nearly twenty minutes. It was the only reason they’d been given their cave. The thing was carved years ago as an escape route if things went bad.

“Just a little. We’ll be home free before you know it.” He hoped. No one had used this tunnel for a couple years. Part of it could have collapsed for all he knew. Still, he tried to remain optimistic. If only for Skeir’s sake.

“I think I see something.” She immediately started pulling ahead of him.

“Don’t go too far!” He’d heard plenty of stories about what inhabited the wilds. Screeches, Hook Horrors, Pech, Fungal Creepers, all manner of beasts who’d just love a tasty, Skaven flavored meal.

“I think-EEEP!” He felt his heart drop into his stomach when she fell from his sight. There was a short scream followed by a grunt of pain. Raden scrambled forward as fast as he could possibly go.

In retrospect, he probably should have realized that the tunnel was a few feet above the ground.

Skeir had the good sense to move out of the way before he smashed into the ground face first. He pulled himself up to see Skeir rubbing a decent sized bump on her forehead.

“Are you alright?” She nodded weakly. Satisfied that she wasn’t in mortal danger, he turned back to the tunnel to pull out the bag of provisions he’d been dragging behind him.

The tunnel had emptied out onto a cliff overlooking one of the great rifts. Chasms so deep it was said they went to the very pits of Hell itself where the dead roomed freely and the Chosen drew their power. Being so close to one was enough to give him chills. He felt Skeir grab onto him in fear.

“Come on,” he told the little girl beside him. “There’s a place a day or two from here where we can hide until this all blows over.”

“When can we go home?” she asked. This was one of the few times Skeir had ever been outside their cave. It stood to reason she’d get homesick quickly.

“Our parents will come and get us when it’s safe. A few days. Maybe a week.” It was a blatant lie. The Clergy wouldn’t let his parents live even if they only thought Skeir was a rumor. There was a good chance they’d simply kill everyone in the colony. And even if they didn’t they’d still hunt Skeir. They’d hunt her to the ends of the earth, down to hell, even to the surface if they were stupid enough to go there.

He didn’t have the strength to tell her yet, but it was only a matter of time. She was to smart no to figure it out.

This place, the Wilds, it was their home now.

So you're all probably wondering what's going on. Well the short version is that while I was fleshing out Skaven society with another author, I found myself wanting to do a story about one. And rather than going through the trouble of bringing in another chess piece, I decided to just use a natural born member of the race. Plus it lets me practice my 3rd Person and prevents author burnout.

So every five chapters or so I'll write a little about Skeir and eventually she'll tie into the main story. I'm sorry for posting two abnormal chapters in a row, but in a way this was a good thing since I was completely stuck on how to write a couple scenes. This no longer being a problem, my next chapter will return to the regular story (and will hopefully come out sooner).

Thanks for reading!

Uneasy Feeling

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked Bright. We’d left the bar and were in the middle of a semi-crowded street. And yes, I was drawing stares. Apparently none of them had ever seen an anthropomorphic cat that recently escaped from jail before.

That and Bright didn’t get out much. He was well known, just not for being outside.

“Would you quit worrying? We’ll be fine. It’s not that far anyway.”

“Fine? I’m pretty sure I’m wanted for assault!” I blanched when I noticed a pair of guards standing idly on a street corner. “And I kind of stick out in a crowd. They’re going to recognize me!”

“Yeah, but they won’t try anything.” He idly waved to the pair. Each of them nodded, tossed me a glare, and proceeded to…do nothing. We passed by them without incident. “Cedar said she’d take care of it and she meant it. I know for a fact that the Captain owed her a favor. Trust me, you, Ren, and Fault are free to go.”

“Well…that was fast.” It had barely been twenty four hours since I’d woken up behind bars and already I was off the hook.

“It has to be.” We turned a corner and entered a less crowded avenue. The buildings here were a lot cleaner and more modern. The people around us (mostly ponies) also appeared to be in a better position financially. The distinctions between areas were astounding. Almost like a sandbox game where the area was divided into districts. The cuts were just as clean. “The politics inside the city itself are fast paced and ever changing, though they try to make everything appear stable to the nobles in Canterlot. With all these people jockeying for position, the slow get cut from the herd. Ward probably already knows you entered the city, escaped from jail, are working for me, and on your way to see him.”
“But…how the hell can he possibly know all that? It all happened just yesterday! Hell, we only left the Hall twenty minutes ago!”

“Trust me kid, you’ll learn soon enough that nothing happens in this city without him hearing about it.” The look Bright had on his face was positively morbid. “Everyone knows it to. The higher ups play their little games and shift the rules to their liking, but the one thing that never changes is who’s in charge.”

“Damn. Sounds like the setup to a bad crime drama.”

“Believe me, it is.” He chuckled and kept walking. Going over the little bit he told me, I realized one thing: Ward was probably the last person I wanted to mess with. Especially with my track record. After all, I’d been here for two months and I’d nearly died…was it four or five times?

Either way, I was getting bad vibes about this meeting.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your company miss Bark?” The woman before him was green as the plants she took care of and nearly as slow. Still, experience had taught him that it was far better to handle these meetings personally, rather than trust it to subordinates.

“Well sir…”

“Bark, we’ve known each other for years. Just call me Ward.” He gave her a smile honed from years of public speaking.

“Yes, of course Ward.” She coughed nervously. He wasn’t surprised. The little mare had never been the most courageous of ponies. It was why he liked her so much. “I’ve decided that we need to revise the terms of our…business arrangement,” she squeaked. He raised an eyebrow at her, trying to appear confused even though they both knew what was going on.

“It was my understanding that the terms we agreed on suited us both just fine. After all, you agreed quite readily when you were told your fee.” She winced at the mention.

“Certain…things have come up and I’ve decided to…reevaluate my financial position. I’m sorry, but our agreement cannot coexist with my new business model,” she said, trying to sound confident.

“I don’t see why. Hemlock isn’t that hard to grow, doesn’t take up that much space, and the current market price is skyrocketing…”

“I can’t do it anymore!” she blurted out. Ward had to admit, that surprised him. These kinds of people were usually too subtle. And other kinds of people were usually to blunt. “Please…”

He sighed and stood up from his desk (made from the finest mahogany) and walked to the little window they’d given him. He remained silent for a moment, giving her time to squirm.

“Well if you’re sure, I can’t force you to do anything.” He could almost hear her jaw unhinge.

“Really?”

“Of course. What kind of stallion would I be if I forced a lady, such as yourself, into something that made her uncomfortable?” He scanned the crowd passing on the street below until he caught sight of an unassuming unicorn mare. “I suppose I can find a new supplier without much trouble. They probably won’t be as good as you, but I will make due.”

“Oh…yes, I’m sure you will.” The amount of relief in her voice was akin to a man who just had his execution order overturned. A small smile found its way onto his face. He truly loved this part. “I suppose I’ll see myself out. Thank you Ward.” Her thanks sounded sincere.

“The pleasure was all mine, my dear.” He heard the scrape of her chair on the floor as she got up to leave. He timed it so she was just in front of the door. “I’m just disappointed is all.”

Ward swore he could make out her sharp intake in breath. He didn’t turn around. He knew what he would find. Her frozen with her hoof two inches from the door, eyes filled with panic, wondering if her relief was premature.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I just assumed you were smarter than this.” He shook his head in the matter of a parent who has seen a child perform an act of stupidity and is too ashamed to yell. “After all, there are so many things you could do with the money.”

“Really…”

“Of course! Why you could repaint your store, buy some new furnishings for your house, take a trip…” The mare in the street below reached into her bag and put on a large, red hat. “Pay your brother’s hospital bills…”

A lesser trained ear would call what followed silenced. There was no actual sound of course, but if one tried hard enough, and knew what to listen for, they could hear what was perhaps one of the most beautiful and terrible sounds to ever grace the ear.

The breaking of a will.

“On second thought…” Ward turned with his friendliest smile to see Bark as she should be. Head down, shoulders slumped, eyes facing the floor. The look of someone who has submitted to what life has decided their path is. “I believe our arrangement could be fit into the new plan with a little work.”

“Excellent!” At that moment the door opened and Tristan, his personal security, appeared in the doorway. The minotaur looked down at the little mare and snorted.

“Sir, I thought you’d like to know that Bright has been spotted leading the cat…thing that showed up yesterday. They’re on the way here.”

“Is that so?” His smile grew wider. This day was turning out better than he expected. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to end our meeting here Miss Bark. As much as I’d love to discuss your new business plan more, an old friend appears to be dropping by.”

“Of course. Thank you for your time.” She practically sprinted out of the room under the steely gaze of Tristan. His guard snorted again and looked at him.

“How do you want to handle this?”

“Just send them up the second they've arrived. After all, as the mayor it would be rude for me not to welcome our newest resident.” Still smiling, he sat back down at his desk as Tristan left. “This should be interesting.”

Apparently, building styles were pretty uniform across Equestria. At least, that’s what I could assume since the Town Hall looked just like the one from Ponyville except it was larger (and far less colorful). I was still drawing a few looks from the crowd as we approached the building, but for the most part they ignored me and went about doing whatever it is busy ponies do.

Actually, there was weird thing I noticed. Every once in a while, one of the ponies (usually a mare, but sometimes a stallion) would see me and either blush or get this disgusted look on their face. I had no idea why, it just happened. I asked Bright about it, but all he did was laugh and say something about bipedals. It was probably nothing to worry about, so I ignored it.

“How long do you think this is going to take?” I asked Bright as we stepped into a rather lavish lobby. A large desk with a pair of unicorns sitting behind it dominated the middle of the room while large stairs ran up to what I assumed was space for offices behind them.

“Depends on what kind of mood the mayor’s in.” Bright started to make his way to the front desk with me following close behind. There were a few people in here (mostly ponies) and almost all of them were wearing some kind of half suit that marked them as dealing with money or politics.

“It’s kind of weird that we have to go all the way to the mayor to fill out some residency paperwork.”

“We don’t. He just likes it when I stop by.” That piqued my interest more than it should have. After all, what would the most powerful man in the city want with a barkeep? Granted, he was the owner of the biggest and probably best (I’d heard some horror stories about the competition last night; particularly one ‘Buccaneer’s Brew’) establishment in the city. And it was Stalliongrad, second only to Las Pegasus in debauchery. Still, how much weight could that possibly carry?

“Morning Text, Vase. How are things going?” As we approached the front desk, the two mares behind it stopped doing…whatever it is front desk people do and addressed us. Both were wearing simple dress shirts with a nametag. Text was a pale blue while Vase was a deep purple and had glasses.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Text said with a smile. I’ll give you one guess as to who she was looking at.

“Very funny.” Something told me that cat puns were going to become annoyingly prevalent while I was in Equestria. “Name’s Jack.”

“Nice to meet you.” With that her horn lit up and a manila folder floated onto the desk, carried by a glow that was the same yellow as her mane. “I take it you’re here to fill out residency paperwork?”

“How’d you guess?” Bright asked her with the barest hint of a smile.

“It’s pretty obvious,” Vase chipped in with a tone that made it very clear she would rather be somewhere else. “This morning the boss came in muttering about how much of a pretentious braggart Cedar is. When we asked Tristan, he said she came into the Green Room gloating about how she picked up a fighter for the tournament. Something no one had seen before and he was staying at the Hall.”

“The Green Room?” At the question, both mares rolled their eyes.

“Essentially, it’s the Hall. Just much more expensive.” Judging by the way she spat out the words, Text was not supportive of the place. “It’s where rich people go to drink when they don’t feel like ‘slumming’.”

“Got invited there once.” Vase was grinding her teeth audibly. “Service was worth less than a broken cart. Just as slow too.”

“Music’s not that bad though.” I just managed to keep my face from showing any surprise. Not only did Bright know the mayor, he apparently used to drink with the higher ups. Definitely not an ordinary barkeep. “Robin and Mica are good and all, but sometimes I do wish we still played classical.”

“I thought you had Reprise sing every month?” Vase asked.

“Reprise sings?” I asked them.

“Yeah. She’s good; I just wish she would do it more often. But, if I put her up too often, people start to complain about it being too boring.” He made a derisive snort, as if he was disgusted by them. “I swear, those idiots wouldn’t know good music if it leaped up and bit them right in the-”

“I wouldn’t finish that sentence,” a deep, thunderous voice exclaimed. “This is a government building. Try to keep the language to a minimum.” I swore I saw Bright’s eye twitch as we turned to regard the speaker. What we got was a minotaur. He was huge, at least two feet taller than me, and had a light tan coat. He was also wearing the top half of a suit with a blue tie. For some reason he’d abstained from pants. Though when I thought about it, the only ones I’d seen so far wearing any type of lower clothing were Ren, Stiff, and myself. Odd…

“Hello Tristan,” Bright said, not even trying to disguise his distaste. “How’s life treating you?”

“The same.” The giant shrugged passively. I suddenly found myself receiving a gaze that was hallway between intimidation and bored interest. “This the cat?”

“Last I checked,” I said in deadpan. The bull’s gaze lingered a few more moments before he released a snort that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

“You don’t look so tough.” One of my eyebrows chose this moment to ascend above its twin.

“I’m not trying to. Would just cause trouble.” For some reason he found that funny since he started chuckling darkly. It was more than a little creepy.

“Believe me cat; you’re in trouble no matter what you do.” The smile he put on was positively sadistic. It had all the signs of a B-Movie psychopath. Wide enough to go all the way across his face, eyes that bored into your skull, and showing much more teeth than necessary. Granted, they were all flat grinding teeth so it lost some of the effect, but not much. “The mayor requests both of your presences at your earliest convenience.”

“Somehow I feel that our earliest convenience is now.” The minotaur grinned again. Something about the guy just rubbed me the wrong way.

“You learn fast.” He looked at Text and held out his hand. With a timid smile, she floated the folder into his palm. He nodded at the two front desk mares and started walking up the stairs. “Follow me please.”

I shared a glance at Bright who let out another weary sigh and proceeded after the bull. With a quick goodbye to Text and Vase, I followed. I had made it about hallway up the stone steps before I felt a small nudge in my side.

“Watch yourself around him.” My earth pony companion glared at Tristan. If looks could kill…to be honest, they’d have to hire an entire cleaning crew to take care of the stain the bull would make. “Strange ‘accidents’ have been known to happen when two people scheduled to compete are in the same place.”

So he’s in the tournament to. Wonderful.

The security guard (I’m assuming, why else would you hire an eight foot minotaur in a government building) walked at a brisk pace. One even I had trouble keeping up with and I’ve been told on several occasions that I’m fast. I’d make a comparison to a cheetah, but…well…I’m pretty sure I’d die a little on the inside.

He led us past several offices and right up to a rather mundane door. Painted onto the glass in black, block lettering were the words ‘Ward Hoofer, Mayor.’ Tristan came to a stop just to the right of the door and fixed us with a glare full of death. He almost violently handed me the folder.

“Don’t try anything,” he growled.

“Neither of us is that stupid,” Bright shot back.

“I know you aren't, but looking at him? Smart isn't a word that comes to mind.” My fist clenched in anger at the sight of what might be the most spite filled sneer I’d ever laid eyes on.

“Excuse me?” Looking back, challenging him might have been proving his point, as signaled by Bright’s hopeless sigh, but if I was going to be competing against this guy, I’d rather not show weakness.

“Smart people don’t lose their arms.”

I’d describe the smirk that appeared on his face, but it came and went too quickly for me to get a look. Mostly because of the growl I made that I quite frankly wouldn't have been surprised to hear from a tiger. I actually think it scared him a little bit.

Didn't know I could do that. Awesome.

“Come on Jack. I have other things to do today.” There was a nervous tone to Bright’s voice that was a bit troubling. I hadn’t known him long, but he seemed like he was usually collected.

I suddenly got the feeling I didn’t want to pick a fight with this guy.

I backed off and gave him a nod. He walked through the doors into the office without a word. I followed, but not before hearing one more taunt from the bull.

“You better watch your back cat.” I matched glares with him for a moment before turning away. There was no doubt that future relations with him would be…problematic.

Two days in Stalliongrad and you've already pissed off the guard and made an enemy. Great work.

I stepped into an office that seemed more appropriate for a consul or president. The carpet was green and fine spreading out to walls painted in a warm brown. Various pictures lined the walls, all of their occupants looking very official. All those little knick knacks rich people seemed to love to collect were on display over a modest fireplace in the center of the room. Off to the right was a small sitting area. A couple of couches, a chair, and a nice coffee table. To the left was a grand desk (made of mahogany I believe) with a pair of lavish chairs in front of it.

Of course, neither of those chairs matched the one behind it. And in that chair, a dark green earth pony with a mane and tail the same brown as the walls sat. He was wearing a simple, yet expensive looking suit with a green tie. He watched me come in with that smile you only really see on T.V.

“And this must be your new employee. Welcome to Stalliongrad,” he said it cheerily, but not so much that it sounded false.

“Thank you sir. I’m Jack.”

“Ward Hoofer.” He started to extend his hoof towards me, but I caught site of his eyes flicking downward slightly before he stopped the motion. “I understand you came here today to fill out some paperwork.”

“That’s correct.” I placed the folder on the desk. He casually grabbed it and stated flipping through the papers. “If you don’t mind me saying, it seems a little weird for the mayor to help with some residency paperwork.”

“To tell you the truth, it’s more of an excuse to see this old charger.” He gave Bright a playful smile that was returned as a spite filled glower. “It’s been ages since you’ve come out of that restaurant of yours.”

“Bar.”

“Whatever,” he said, waving his hoof to the effect of ‘like it matters’.

“You two are friends?” I asked, already knowing the answer from the sheer amount of dislike Bright was managing to project with just his eyes.

“I’d like to think so,” the mayor answered.

“You’d think wrong,” the bartender quipped.

“Wit’s as sharp as ever Red,” Ward said, laughing all the while. At the word red, Bright’s teeth audibly ground together. I made a mental note to never refer to him as Red. “Now then, about your paperwork…” He reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a quill and an ink pot. “Are you familiar with the Equestrian tax code?”

“No.”

“Do you know the basic rules and laws of the country?”

“Not specifically, but I know what is commonly considered a crime.”

“Have you owned any property or help any job in Equestria prior to this?”

“Nope.”

“Can you read Equestrian?”

“…Can I see Equestrian?” He flipped the folder around and passed it to me so I could look at the pages. What I found was an unfamiliar collage of symbols and shapes that quite frankly made my brain consider fleeing back to the jungle. “That would be a no.”

“Fair enough. Can you at least write with your left hand?”

There was a moment of silence. A very brief moment as it was broken by the sound of my head hitting the very hard mahogany desk. It’s a very fine material you understand.

“I’m going to have to write down orders tomorrow, aren’t I?” I asked Bright without taking my head off the wood.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll work something out.” That answer scared me a little, I won’t lie.

“Maybe you should have done a little more research on your new friend before you hired him?” Ward said innocently. I don’t know why, but that was the moment I began to feel uneasy around him. There was just something about the way he spoke that sentence that really put me off. Maybe it was condescending tone or the way he smiled when he said it or the sheer amount of dislike coming off Bright , I don’t really know. It just left me feeling uneasy. “Alright, this will take a little longer than I thought, but it still shouldn't be a problem.”

“Thank you for doing this,” I said, trying to cover up my unease.

“Really, it’s no trouble. I had some time to kill anyway.” He pulled the folder back over to himself and dipped the quill into the inkwell. “Honestly, I’m glad you decided to take care of this so early. If you actually started working before this, we would get into issues with the tax codes and the revenue service and all kinds of complicated garbage. Doing it now, there won’t be any problems.”

I managed to relax a little. He was right. All we were doing was filling out a few papers. Nothing dangerous or malign anywhere. Just three men sitting in an office. No problem.

“Now, I believe the first section is…personal history.”

…And now I had a problem.

This chapter...don't ask me why, but this chapter kicked my ass. Sorry about the relatively long wait for so little pay off. Still, it's finally done.

Thanks.

Service With a Smile

At long last, I had finally found a downside to having fur.

Bathing.

Or more specifically, drying off after bathing. When I was human, I had hair on my head and it would often stick up after towel drying. Now I had fur over the entirety of my body and…well…

I had become fluffy. And there was no way in hell I was going to let everyone out there see it. Which resulted in brushing. A LOT of brushing. Suffice to say it took almost ten minutes and I really should have been brushing my fur more often because it had a lot of knots in it. Oh well. I was clean at least.

And I should be. Today was the first day of my new job after all. I needed to be nice and clean so I made a good impression. It wasn’t just my first day of work, it was my first day as an Equestrian citizen.

Yeah, you heard right. I’d managed to get through the paperwork the same way I got through high school. Bullshitting everything. Fed him a bit of basic information about my race then claimed I was part of the Khajiit tribe who lived in a desert valley called Elsweyr (honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t just use it before). My entire tribe was put to the sword when I was small, but I managed to survive by hiding in a ditch. After that I was picked up by some merchants and stayed with them until I was old enough to go off on my own.

Once the stuff about my tragic (and completely made up) past was over, we moved on to medical information followed by figuring out my tax bracket. Three hours of the most boring shit you could possibly imagine.

Once that was out we were (rudely) escorted out of the building by Tristan and came back to the Hall. I had some dinner, listened to Ren complain about how he hadn’t found Copper yet, and then went to bed mentally exhausted. And when I woke up, I was officially a citizen of Equestria.

And suddenly, thousands of bronies became jealous for reasons they didn’t understand.

Which brings us back to today, where I was walking downstairs from the third floor bathroom, clean and refreshed (but not fluffy) and ready for breakfast. There was only one person in the main room, a donkey who was reading a magazine and was eating a bowl of porridge. I ignored him for now and went into the kitchen.

I met with a strange sight. A bull (as in an actual cow this time) was standing in front of a large pot whistling a merry tune. He had a chocolate brown coat and, to be perfectly honest, looked like he could eat the entire kitchen. He stirred the contents of the pot, oblivious to me walking in. I let out a short cough so I didn’t startle the man standing around some noticeably sharp cooking implements while in range. He didn’t jump so much as turn briskly, but he put on a warm smile when he saw me.

“You must be Jack. Name’s Angus.” He paused, long enough for it to become awkward. “You’re not gonna laugh?”

“Umm…why would I?”

“A cow named Angus working in a kitchen. Perfect job right?” He sighed wearily. “I swear, I must have heard every possible beef joke there is.”

“That’s a little dark when you think about it.” After all, talking about beef to a cow would be like…well, anything talking about how good humans taste.

I suddenly wanted a burger.

“Eh, I lost all right to complain about food jokes when I became a cook.” He dipped his ladle into the pot of…either oatmeal or porridge, I’m not sure of the difference. He ladled out a bowl and held it out to me. “I assume you came down here to get some breakfast.”

“Yeah.” I grabbed the bowl, inhaling the mouthwatering scent of fresh cooked oatmeal. “I honestly just expected to find a bowl of fruit or something.”

“Not while I’m here.” He went back to his pot, stirring it with the utmost care. “You can go eat in the main room. The others should be up in an hour or two.” I thanked him for the meal and left, his whistling picking up again the second I turned away.

Angus. Horrible name for a cow. And I think I know a bit about horrible names.

When I reentered the main room, there was still only that donkey I hadn’t seen before sitting in the corner. My first inclination was to use the same strategy I used in high school, which was to sit at the table with the least amount of people. But when had that ever been productive? I was in a new body, in a new world, and under new rules. Why not try to be a little more outgoing?

Defying every survival rule four years in the education system had taught me, I took my breakfast over to the donkey’s table and sat down.

“Hi,” I said, trying my best to sound friendly. He glanced at me briefly before emitting a grunt that I supposed was a greeting and flipping a page in his magazine. An uncomfortable silence followed soon after, lasting half a minute before I broke it. “My name’s Jack,” I said lamely.

“I’m Scruffy. The janitor.”

Somehow I managed to survive the near panic attack I had at the sheer coincidence without it showing and answered.

“Do you work late at night? I’ve never seen you before.”

“I’ve never seen you before neither.”

Alright, how many T.V. shows am I in?

“So what are you reading?” He adjusted the magazine enough for me to get a look at the cover. On it was a mare in a rather provocative position wearing stockings. Scrawled across the top was the word PlayColt.

What followed was one of the most uncomfortable two minutes of silence in my young life.

“I’m just gonna go eat at another table.” He grunted again and flipped a page in the magazine. I took my breakfast three tables over and sat down with a sigh.

Maybe there was a reason I always ate alone.

“Well, you’re up early.” Bright stepped up to the table, somehow managing to look relaxed and alert at the same time. I gave him a nod in place of a greeting and started eating. “You start work in six hours. You ready?”

“Probably not.” A sheepish grin showed my discomfort with the whole idea.

“It’s your first day so I’ll cut you some slack. However,” he pulled out a notepad, a pencil, and a sheet of paper. “You at least need to write legibly.” The paper (thankfully in…whatever they called English here) had a list of terms. All of them related to food.

“I take it I’m not going anywhere this morning?”

“Nope.” He handed…hoofed me the pencil. “You’re going to stay here and practice until you can write each of those words legibly. It doesn’t have to be neat; it just has to be readable.” When I saw the look on his face, I could practically hear the singing of Eduard Khil. “Have fun.”

“Yeah, sure.” There was no point in putting it off so I finished my food quickly and got to work.

I did not have fun. I wasn’t even bored. By the end of it I was mind-numbingly frustrated. Six hours sitting at a table practicing my handwriting in not something I would do again if I could avoid. Fault and Reprise came by to chat for a bit before going off to do other things and Ren stopped by to tell me he was going out again, but other than that nothing interesting happened at all.

“How’s it going?” Robin’s voice barely even registered after the mind numbing tediousness of writing the same thirty or so words hundreds of times in a row. Both she and Mica walked up to my table, back from…I guessed grocery shopping since Mica had a basket full of fruit.

“I think I’m starting to forget my own name.” I dropped the pencil and started flexing my cramped fingers. “Its Jack right?”

“Last I heard it was Mango.” I was actually kind of proud of myself for ignoring the comment. She grabbed the notepad and started absentmindedly flipped through it before passing it to Mica who did the same. “Well you’ve definitely improved, however slightly.”

“Can you read it?” Robin and Angus were the two main chefs. There were three others, but they didn’t live here so I hadn’t really met them yet.

“Yes…kind of. Can you Mica?” she asked the large, Doberman colored man beside her.

“Barely,” Mica said. “It’s pretty obvious you were right handed before. Still, people have done harder things than writing with their weak hand. You’ll get it.”

“Have you considered taking up sketching?” she asked me. “Might help you learn some dexterity in your hand.”

“You think?” I asked, taking back the notebook as I did.

“Couldn’t hurt. And you’ll probably have plenty of time to practice,” she smiled. “There’s a reason we gave you the third floor. It’s usually dead. You’ll be lucky if you get three groups a night.”

“So if I screw up…”

“Barely anyone will care,” Mica finished. He reached into the basket and pulled out a shiny red apple which he placed on the table before me. “We open in ten minutes. You should get up there.” Their message delivered, the two of them said a short goodbye and left.

“I suppose I should get going.” Robin had been nice enough to take my empty bowl to the kitchen, saying it was part of her job to help clean up anyway. I grabbed the apple that had turned into the lunch I should have eaten an hour ago and headed for the stairs, thinking about what they’d said.

It was a relief to hear that I’d pretty much gotten the easiest job. Course, from what I heard, everyone who lived here also had to do random chores whenever Bright asked them to, so I guess I was still earning my keep. And sketching…I’d never really been the artistic type, but I suppose now was a good time to start.

The third floor wasn’t really all that special save it was the ‘quiet’ floor, which just meant that the people eating here were expected to act more like they were at a restaurant instead of a bar. The only place that was fancier was the fourth floor which was reserved for private parties and the balconies that were for small groups. I’d seen what the ground floor was like on Saturday. A heaven and hell metaphor seems rather appropriate for those in my line of work.

It occurred to me then that I had a job. Not a particularly prestigious or fancy job, but one nonetheless. That meant I was already a more productive citizen on Equestria than I’d ever been on Earth.

I wonder if anyone noticed I was gone. Was I even gone? The idea of creating a clone of my consciousness and shoving it into a new body had occurred to me, but it seemed just a bit…farfetched. Still, it was a whole lot better than some of the other alternatives.

“You’re going into existentials again Jack,” I muttered to myself. Another thought occurred to me. I was completely okay with calling myself Jack. It’s not that bad of a name, but it wasn’t the name my parents had given me. I’d just cast it aside like it was nothing. I mean, it wasn’t like there was anything wrong with the name…

A loud crash from a few floors below brought me out of my introspection. I ran to the railing to inspect the damage. Apparently, Fault had come charging back because she was almost late for her shift and crashed into Crisp who had been bringing some more plates up from the cellar. And now Bright was yelling. You can probably piece together the rest.

What had I been thinking about again? Oh well, it probably wasn’t important.

There were two types of tables on this floor. Big round ones that could hold eight or more, and a smaller, square model for groups four and under. I chose one of these off near the dishes dumbwaiter and sat down. I figured this was a good spot since I was out of the way and had a good view of the exit. With my place picked out, I set my apple and my notepad down and got to the waiting.

An hour past. Then two. Some people started trickling in downstairs, but they stayed down there. Boredom set in quickly, followed by hunger. Which brought my attention to the apple. It looked fresh. Robin’s suggestion came to mind. I took a bite out of the apple, turned it away from me so it wouldn’t be visible, and for the first time since I was a little kid attempted to draw.

Bits of paper, crumpled up and tossed away in disgust, followed soon after. I was so absorbed in trying to make something that even closely resembled an apple that I almost missed it when two ponies, a griffon, and a zebra stepped into view.

“Oh shit,” I whispered to myself, panicking slightly. While I’ve definitely improved since coming to Equestria, my social skills were never really…up to par. And my knowledge of waiting tables equates to what I’ve observed from the workers at any number of chain restaurants. Be polite, act like your happy, and never say anything bad to the customers face.

Simple…right?

That realization didn’t really help with the small stone of fear that had lodged itself firmly in my gut. I managed to keep it down long enough to grab the notepad and head over to their table.

“Hello. My name is Jack and I’ll be your server,” I said, repeating the mantra that had been passed down the food service industry for generations.

“Whoa,” one of the ponies said, wide eyed. “Chips was right. There really is a cat man working here now.”

Well…can’t say I expected this.

“Are you really missing an arm?” the griffon asked, staring at me curiously.

“Well…yeah.” I tapped my wooden hand on the table, letting them hear the dull sound of wood on wood.

“Cool,” the first pony said.

“Not really.”

“Are you really in the tournament?” the second pony asked me. She was giving me a look…one the first pony didn’t seem to like that much.

“As far as I know,” I said, a little pissed off at the fact that they’d shown up just to gawk at the oddity. “How exactly do you know all of this? It’s only been two days.”

“News travels fast in Stalliongrad,” the zebra said, glaring at her friends. “And would you three quit staring. I actually came today because I thought eating would be involved.” The three of them seemed to shrink a little, any more questions they had for me thankfully dying on their lips. “Sorry about that. I’m kind of starving right now.”

“No worries. I guess I should get used to this?” Something told me that these wouldn’t be the first people who showed up to look at the weird, cat thing that showed up out of nowhere.

“Probably not. Give them two weeks and they’ll be on to something else.” She laughed a little. “Now then, shouldn’t you start us off with drinks?”

“Oh…right.” I rested the notepad on my wooden arm and got ready to take orders.

The griffon wanted fish, both ponies ordered hayburgers with fries, and the zebra asked for a daffodil sandwich. All four of them ordered some local ale which was apparently some of the best in town. I made a mental note to try some later. I managed to write each order down and asked them if they could read it. When they responded yes (after a relatively long period of time) I ripped it off, took it to one of the dumbwaiters and wheeled it down.

A few minutes later, a tray with four glasses of brown ale arrived. I took that over to the table. The four of them were talking about something. Eavesdropping didn’t seem like a good policy, so I took the tray over to the dirty dishes later and sent it down to the kitchen. I trekked back to the first elevator and waited.

Sure enough, in a short while another tray showed up filled with food. I took that back to them and dished it out (doing that with one hand was rather tricky). They ate and I went back to my table and once again attempted to sketch that apple. Unsuccessfully.

When they were done they left, leaving a small amount of bits on the table. I counted it out with the sheet of prices they’d gave me and was surprised to find they’d left a tip.

“Everything go alright?” I turned to see none other than Bright who had somehow managed to slip up here without me noticing. He even had a drink with him. “No major disasters I hope?”

“Not really. It was actually a bit easier than I thought it would be.”

“Good.” He got up and walked over to the table I was drawing at. “Fault seems to be doing okay too, though she’s always been good with people. I’m glad I don’t have to waste time looking for another pair of waiters.” He picked up one of the crumpled pieces of paper and opened it. For a few moments, he stared at it blankly. “What exactly is this supposed to be?”

“An apple,” I said shyly. He looked at me in disbelief for a few moments before chuckling.

“Needs work.” He put it down and headed for the stairs. “If anything happens or you feel overwhelmed, just let someone know.”

“Alright.” I picked up one of the bits, looking at the shiny gold pattern it had. “So…I have a job now.” I absentmindedly spun it on the table, watching it go around like a top. “I could grow to like this.”

And with that, I have finally beaten my incredible case of procrastination! Huzzah!

Now if only I could do the same thing with my homework...

Two Strange Conversations

Yes I haven’t updated in about two months. Yes the first half of this chapter is recycled from the last. Yes you can skip those parts. Yes there will be an explanation when it’s finished. On with the chapter!

“So why exactly did I have to come along?” I asked Reprise as the two of us walked through one of Stalliongrad’s open air markets. The streets were filled with people. Mostly ponies, but a good smattering of the other races as well. I was getting a lot less stares this time around. I guess I was old news, even if it had only been a few days. Apparently the zebra was right. News traveled fast, but it appeared to be fading just as quickly.

“Because, one of the prices of living in the Hall is that you have to help out with all the chores. Running through them the first time with a partner will help you familiarize yourself with them so you won’t make mistakes,” she answered matter-of-factly.

“And you didn’t want to go grocery shopping on your own,” I grumbled. All she did was let out a chuckle that was far more annoying than it was loud.

“Technically it’s not grocery shopping. We’re not bringing anything back; we’re just making sure all our agreements hold up with our suppliers. And here’s one of them now.” She stopped in front of a small shop with a rather obscene amount of plants hanging in the window.

“What do we need from here?” Most of the herbs I didn’t recognize, except for the plant that was one of the primary ingredients in those healing potions Nadene showed me how to make. That reminded me I needed to stock up on those. Maybe I could commandeer one of the workbenches in the basement...

“A friend of mine named Bark lives here. She supplies us with most of our seasonings. You can just wait out here this time. It won’t take long.” She walked into the shop without another word.

“Well at least I’m in the sun this time.” The last three places we visited had me standing awkwardly in a corner while she talked business with whoever it was that owned the place. Not really that bad except I was bored out of my skull. At least out here it was quiet.

Well, not quiet. There was actually a lot of noise, but it was background noise. I was able to tune most of it out just by flattening my ears against my skull. It was kind of nice having movable ears. Really made sleeping a lot easier when I could cut the sound I was hearing in half without much effort.

“Hey,” a voice said from beside me. A run of the mill earth-pony mare had come from nowhere and was looking at me...strangely to say the least.

“Hello,” I said, trying to sound friendly. She didn’t really say anything else and I didn’t know what to say. So I just assumed this was no different than two strangers sitting on the same park bench and resumed leaning against the wall. We stayed that way for a couple minutes.

“So...how much?” Now that was probably the last question I expected to hear randomly.

“What?” She rolled her eyes and reiterated.

“How much do you charge?” She looked me up and down with quizzical look on her face. “You’re pretty exotic so I’m guessing you’re not cheap, but you barely even did anything so you can’t be too stuck up.”

“Uhh...I think I’m missing something here.” This was definitely one of the stranger conversations I’d ever had. And considering I once had a talk with a violent rat-woman that was keeping me prisoner, it says quite a lot.

About this conversation and my life.

“Alright look, all I want is a quickie before I have to go to work. Can you just tell me what you charge so we can get this over with?” She stared at me impatiently. I returned it blankly.

“He’s not what you think he is.” Reprise stepped out of the store, apparently done with her discussion.

“What? But he’s-”

“Bipedal,” she said simply. The mare was silent for a few moments before something about those words clicked. She blushed, mumbled an apology, and ran off leaving me more confused than ever.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked the unicorn as we continued on our errands.

“Oh nothing. She probably just thought you were a prostitute,” she commented offhandedly. “Now I think we’re supposed to meet up with Fault and Crisp for lunch so we should probably-”

“Hold it!” I somehow managed to keep from screaming that, but I still said it forcefully enough to startle Reprise and garner a few weird looks from passersby. I dragged her off to the side of the street and began questioning. “Why exactly would she think I’m a prostitute?”

“Well...it’s kind of how you’re dressed.” She shrugged, which was kind of awkward with four legs, but somehow they can pull it off. “I mean, I know there are different rules for bipedals, but most just conform to our system. Makes things easier.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I couldn’t think of anything that would make me stand out like THAT. All I was wearing were a brown shirt and pants. Nothing else.

“Wait...you don’t know, do you?” Reprise suddenly started blushing. “Oh...well...this is awkward.”

“Know what exactly?” I got the feeling that I had missed something very important and someone somewhere was laughing their ass off about it.

“Well...most of the population goes around on four legs and has tails so there are a couple articles of clothing we don’t really need. And they’ve kind of taken on a...different function.” She made it a point to stare at my leg.

…

I wear pants on my legs.

Ponies don’t need pants. They walk around naked most of the time.

Actually, most of the two legged creatures I’ve seen don’t use them either.

In fact, the only people I’ve seen wearing them in Equestria are me, Ren, and...

And the people who stand outside of the Hitching Post.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized something totally innocent was actually much dirtier than you ever imagined? It’s not fun.

“Oh you have to be kidding me!” I smacked my own forehead. Hard. “Are you telling me that this entire time I’ve been walking around wearing what is akin to going naked back where I’m from?”

“Well, not exactly. Most ponies realize that there are entirely different rules based on the number of legs you have. Still, you always get a couple people who just assume everything means the same thing for everyone.” She rolled her eyes in disgust. “Personally, I just kind of assumed it was a species thing. After all, you’re the first of your kind to come to this city in recent memory.”

“Yeah...and back in the Jungle, everyone wore clothes.” Both the Lacuni and the Vren wore them. And judging by Kaileena, some wore less than others, but there were probably very few nudist tribes. Really, I had every excuse to wear them. Even if they meant different things to certain people. “Well...it’s weird but I don’t think I’m going to go around naked because of it.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured.” She started laughing. “You know, you’re going to look back on this one day and find it funny.”

“Probably. But that’s not today,” I said, glad that my fur hid any blushing I might have been doing. “Let’s just finish the rest of these errands and get some lunch.”

“Actually, we’re all done,” she said happily as we rejoined the moving crowd. “Now come on. There’s a great cafe we’re supposed to meet the others at.”

Thankfully, the rest of that day and my shift passed without further incident, though some of the looks I got took on an entirely new meaning. Ren came back empty handed again and I asked him about the whole pants thing. He said he knew about it, didn’t care what these people thought of him, and I shouldn’t either. Though he did laugh when he heard I was mistaken for a prostitute.

As did Fault. And Crisp. And Bright. And Mica. And Robin. And Angus. Actually, the only person who didn’t laugh was Scruffy. He just grunted again. I was pretty sure he was laughing on the inside though.

So, after my shift, Bright told me I had to do inventory. When I asked why they didn’t take care of this BEFORE we went around ordering supplies for the next month, he just said it was for practice. Which left me stuck in a dark cellar counting barrels for no reason.

Fun.

Actually, the basement itself was pretty cool. The door downstairs was in the kitchen next to the smaller pantry. Creaky wooden stairs led down to a clear area with a large card table in the center and a small lantern hanging above it. Off to one side was a series of workbenches, each piled with various tools and supplies. It looked like the people here had no problems keeping themselves busy. Apparently one of the empty ones was mine, but I didn’t know what I was going to do with it yet.

The rest of the cellar was taken up by an almost obscene number of crates, boxes, containers, barrels, casks (apparently there was a difference between the two), racks, and one big old fashioned furnace. Gave the whole thing the feel of a basement in an RPG, complete with rats the size of your forearm!

“Hmm…maybe I should help take care of that.” Rats and cats were natural enemies after all. Just look at what happened with those Skaven. And honestly, I’d do just about anything to get out of the boredom of counting how many barrels of Appleloosan whiskey we had.

Still, the problem of how to deal with the (light) rodent infestation did not present solutions easily. Rats and bars went hand in hand. Removing one from the other was nearly impossible without industrial strength traps or chemicals. And all I had on me was the clothes on my back, a hidden dagger…

And one magical snake bracelet. I set the clipboard I was carrying down on a nearby barrel and took a good look at the tiny, golden statuette on my wrist. Snakes ate rats after all. I’d watched a king cobra devour some dead ones at a zoo once. And since this one was set to follow my commands…

“Excitaret.” At the sound of the Latin word for wake, the creature I had dubbed Nag sprung to life and curled up in my palm. The gold reptile let out a yawn that would have put most dragons to shame and stared at me lazily. I dug through the strange lexicon the snake had put in my head (I’d have to figure out just how much Latin he’d given me at some point) for the right words. “Quaere poteritis, quot mures interficere.”

Nag apparently really liked this order since both of his nonexistent eyebrows shot up. Licking his lips hungrily, the serpent sprung off my hand and dashed off into the dark cellar. I had to suppress a small shudder of revulsion. Just because I wasn’t afraid of THIS snake didn’t mean I liked the thought of one living on me. It was easy to forget that fact when he was a bracelet, but to see said bracelet get up and move…

“Alright…where was I?” I picked up the clipboard and rebalanced it on my wooden arm. Now I could get back to arbitrarily counting the number of things in storage to make sure it hadn’t changed from the last time they counted. I wondered what the others were doing right now. Probably laughing at my expense since they stuck me down here with the most boring job in the world with no one to talk to…wait a minute.

Nag was supposed to follow my orders…at least I think that’s how it works. So what if I ordered him to speak?

“Worth a shot. Nag, huc venire." Within a few moments of letting out the call, the golden snake came slithering out between a pair of barrels. I can say that he works fast if the rat’s tail sticking out of his mouth was any indication. With a simple head toss, the poor rodent disappeared down the serpent’s throat, never too be seen again.

I consider it progress that I didn’t immediately throw up. I might beat this phobia yet.

I held out my hand. Without any prompting Nag crawled onto it, looking up at me with his black slitted eyes. I searched that lexicon he put in my head and found the one word I was looking for.

“Loquere.”

“FINALLY!”

Let me be perfectly clear. I never actually believed it would work. It was more an excuse to delay barrel counting than anything else. So the fact that I screamed like a little girl and chucked Nag into the nearest wall is understandable. Right?

Oh, and I literally felt him crashing into the concrete so it wasn’t like I went unpunished for it.

“Son of a…” The snake groaned and fixed with a glare that was…well…venomous. It hurt almost as much as my head from…whatever made me feel the impact. I noted for future reference that Nag and I apparently shared pain…or at least he shared his pain with me. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Uhh…you startled me,” I admitted meekly. At least no one was around to see it. Besides Nag.

“Startled you…of all the people I had to get stuck with…” Muttering what I was sure was a string of obscenities; he slithered over to my leg and started climbing up. In all my life I have never had to so strongly repress the urge to scream and go curl up in a corner. “Alright, let’s try this again.” The serpent began running down my left arm which I took as a cue to hold out my hand. He coiled up in my palm staring at me with the temperament of a cat who is tired of being petted and will scratch at any moment. “What the hell took you so long? I’ve been stuck on your arm for a month!”

“Uhh…” Having something you’ve been wearing as jewelry ask you a question, in a very forceful tone no less, was not something the mind could easily process. Apparently mine was taking too long for the scaly little bastard since he rolled his eyes at me.

“Whatever, I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m going to eat more rats.” He spring-boarded off my hand and sped off towards the nearest shelf.

“Hey! Nag, wait a second!” He stopped and tried to set me on fire with his eyes. Or freeze me to death. Hard to tell with his reptilian eyes.

“My name is not Nag you idiot!” he spat. “Honestly, I thought it would be obvious!”

“Well I guess there’s just something I’m missing then,” I said, advancing on him. Letting him speak was starting to look like one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

“Hmm, perhapsss I ssshould give you a hint. What do you think ssstupid?” he said with a dopey expression. It reminded me of what I had to go through to get the little…

“Atheris.”

“In the flesh!” he proclaimed proudly. He looked so smug with his little face tilted upward in what he probably thought was a regal expression. It disappeared pretty quick when he heard the sheath to my dagger hit the floor. “Hey, let’s not be too has-ACK!” I grabbed the little bitch by the throat and slammed him against the nearest shelf, holding the blade right in front of his eye. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“You tried to kill me.” I moved the point closer, channeling every threatening scene I could recall from movies. “I want to know why. NOW!”

“Take it easy with that thing!” He wrapped the rest of himself around my wrist, attempting to crush it to free himself. I gave him a squeeze, ignoring the pressure it put on my own neck.

“That is not an answer.” He opened his mouth for another remark. I shut him up with a growl. I have to admit, I was better at this whole intimidation thing than I thought.

“Well…it was nothing personal you understand. Just business.” I tightened my grip, intending to crush him if it got me my answer. “IF YOU KILL ME YOU’LL DIE TOO!”

If you ever need a sentence that will make someone stop strangling you…

“What?” I let up on him a bit, giving him more room to speak.

“Quite a grip you have there,” he muttered before clearing his throat. “Remember when I first crawled onto your wrist back at the temple? Well when that happened our souls…well, your soul and whatever the hell I have, became bound. Notice that pressure on your neck when you were choking me?” My eyes slowly opened wider as I put the pieces together. “Yeah, you feel all the pain I do. And if I pass on…” He trailed off. It would have been more ominous if I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what the consequences were.

“What happens if I die?”

“I have to serve whoever killed you. It’s pretty standered stuff for cursed jewelry,” he said with an attempt at a shrug.

“And I’m guessing that pain thing is a one way street?” He nodded, grinning widely. “Dammit.” I dropped him before walking off to take in the fact that I’d been screwed over by some god I’d never met.

Or had I…

“Tell me why you tried to kill me.” Atheris let out a short laugh at my demand.

“In case you don’t recall, you ended up killing me!” His voice was laced with what I’ll admit was justified anger. “My reasons are my own! I’m not telling you anything!”

“Oh yes you are.” Now it was my turn to smirk.

“Really? And how do you plan on making me? You can’t touch me without…” His sentence dropped off, forgotten and he put it all together. “Don’t. You. DARE!”

“Dic mihi cur me temptabant interficere.”

“Because you smelled bad. DAMMIT!” He went off on a stream of high speed cursing in Latin. I won’t repeat it because…I didn’t exactly catch all of it, but I’m pretty sure he said something about me being descended from a pile of crocodile dung…among other things…

“You attacked me because I smelled bad?” I know I hadn’t showered in a few days when I went into the temple, but that was hardly something to kill me over. “Explica ulterius.”

“You stank of something foul. Evil. Like a demon or something…else. I’m not exactly sure. STOP DOING THAT!”

“No I won’t.” It was a little…strange having control of someone like this. It was one thing when he was just a piece of jewelry, but now that I knew he was sentient…it was a bit of a power trip. “You can bitch and moan all you want, but I’m in charge here. Dic quare mortis daemon ut olfactus.”

“Because I’ve met demons before. It is generally a good idea to kill them before they kill you. And if someone was consorting with demons then they fall under the same category.” He let out a scream of rage. “I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GODS ARE LISTENING, I WILL FEED YOU YOUR OWN TAIL!”

“No you won’t. My guess is you can’t do anything that will harm me directly. Is that right?” He remained silent. “Thought so. Dic quid primum in templo.”

“Sometimes Gods want to get involved in things, but want to do so without risking angering anyone established in the world. So they’ll place items like me around, little things that won’t affect much, but will at least let them feel like they’re doing something.” He let out a sigh. “Granted, they usually don’t make those objects sentient. Or promise their guardians eternity in paradise if they watch the thing for a few thousand years and then SHOVE THEIR ESSENCE INSIDE IT WHEN THEY DIE!”

“Ouch.” Now that was a dick move on a cosmic scale. “Sounds like we’ve both been screwed over by the divine.”

“Yeah, they tend to do that.” He rubbed his temples with the tip of his tail. “Look, I’m sorry I tried to eat you, alright? Old habits and all.”

“Yeah…well I’m sorry I did kill you…kind of.” I laughed a little. “Some guardian by the way. You protected that bracelet for thousands of years and you get wasted by a novice? Were you having an off day or what?”

“I was a giant snake,” he deadpanned. “I come out of the wall, hiss a little, maybe nick some fur here and there, and most ‘adventurers’ run screaming back the way they came. I’ve only had to fight maybe…two hundred people? And all of them were idiots to attack a giant snake in the first place!”

“Good point.” I’d never really thought about it before, but the guys you play in RPGs are kind of suicidal aren’t they? Going around specifically looking for monsters to slay. Even with all that power, one wrong move…

“Oh, and having scales just a level below dragon helps too,” he said proudly. “Where did you get that sword by the way?”

“Ren gave it to me. I have no idea where he-”

The creak of a door being opened stopped our conversation. The whistling of a certain thief drifted through the air as she came down the stairs. For some reason, I didn’t want people to know I was wearing a talking snake on my wrist…at least, not until I knew them better. It just seemed like one of those things that would work better when kept under wraps.

“Somnum,” I whispered, just loud enough for Atheris to hear. Without a single word of complaint (not giving him any time to react helped) he zipped over to me, back up my body, and onto my wrist, locking back into bracelet form with a small click. “Hey Fault. What’s up?”

“Just came down to make sure you hadn’t died down here,” the unicorn said as she made her way over to me. “You finished yet?”

“Umm…yeah.” What? They’d already done it a few days ago. Who cares if I skipped out on my ‘training’. I’m convinced hazing would be a more appropriate term. “Everything appears to be in order.”

“Great!” Her eyes darted to the floor. “Umm…why is your hand off?”

“What?” I looked around and spied the fake hand I’d grown so used to wearing lying in the dust. “Umm…right…I’ll just…” Without a word, I walked over, picked it up, and put it back into place while the unicorn glared at me suspiciously.

“Okay…anyway, there’s a poker game going on upstairs. You in?”

“Umm…sure. Why not?” Anything to get out of the basement. “We playing for money?”

“Of course. It’s no fun otherwise.” A fiendish grin appeared on her face. “So…how much would I have to win to hire you?”

“What?” I nearly tripped, causing her to burst into laughter. “…You’re never going to let me forget it, are you?”

“Not as long as you wear pants,” she said simply. “Come on. Robin made bean dip and I want to get there before Crisp eats it all again.” I sighed and sped up the catch the unicorn who had bounded up the stairs whistling a tune I swore I’d heard before, but couldn’t remember where…

“Poker huh? You any good?”

Not really. But I don’t have that much money to lose anyway so…

…

Oh Lord.

You can talk inside my head?

“I can talk inside your head.”

Worst. Decision. EVER!

Author's Note

So...I haven't updated in about two months...sorry about that...

Anyway, there are a few things I should go over really quick:

I went back and replaced all the asterisk lines with page breaks. This is more of a cosmetic change than an important one, but the story looks nicer for it.
I deleted the vision of the future chapter. Plans change, so...there you go. I might do another one at some point.
I took out everything relating to that magic ring. I thought about it and realized that there was no good reason to give Khajiit access to magic. So I took that scene out and replaced it with the one above.
I rewrote the fight scene in the third chapter and a little bit of dialog in the fourth. It doesn't really affect the story at all, it was more of a personally thing after a friend of mine (Forevermore) brought up that the scene was a little unrealistic. So, for better or worse, there's my attempt to fix it.
The reason part of this chapter was a repeat is...well, I just wanted to use that scene at the top. The next chapter will be entirely unseen content.

And...I think that's it...if I forgot something I'll just put into the notes on the next chapter...which hopefully will be out sooner. I'm sorry for the wait and I hope you don't hate me for it.

Air Viper

“Whole other dimension, new body, even a new fucking species and the universe still finds a way to make me take out the god damn trash!” You only get one guess as to what my least favorite chore was back home.

Another few days had come and gone and I was starting to settle into a nice routine here. My job was simple, easy, yet rather rewarding. The people I met were generally friendly and my co-workers kept things…entertaining.

It was a little annoying that they kept making me the source of that entertainment, but I was new so there wasn’t much I could do about that. It also meant that my name was the lowest on the chore list totem pole.

Which is how I ended up taking out the trash five fucking times that week! And it wasn’t like a house where there’s just one or two cans, The Hall was a restaurant. AND a hotel! That meant I had to do all the trash bins in the kitchen, the ones in the dining room, AND all the little baskets they had in the rooms. Whole process took about an hour and it smelled disgusting.

Still, I was on the last bag. Just a quick walk through the alley behind the kitchen to the nearest dumpster and I was home free. Just as long as nothing else happened…

“HEY! MANGO!”

Here we go.

Dreading what I’d find, I turned to the source of the noise which happened to be above me. The Hall’s roof was essentially a giant dome except for this one part above the kitchen. It would be a nice place to hang out if the view amounted to more than dirty buildings and a stinking alley.

“WHAT?” I yelled up at the green and orange blob that I assumed was Reprise.

“YOU ALMOST DONE DOWN THERE?” she called back.

“YEAH. LAST ONE.” I held up the green-black bag for emphasis. It was overflowing with table scraps, used napkins, and the leftovers of an entire day spent cooking and it was RIPE.

“COOL. I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU. MEET ME ON THE TOP FLOOR WHEN YOU’RE DONE, ALRIGHT?” Without waiting for an answer, she disappeared off the roof.

“Well there goes the rest of my night,” I muttered, resuming my slow march to the nearest trash receptacle. I wonder how they empty these things when they don’t have dump trucks? Probably magic or some other copout.

It was with great relief that I heaved the stinking sack of waste into the sludge filled bin, never to be seen again. This relief only lasted until I had made my way to the backdoor and was interrupted by the other thing that had annoyed me over the past week.

“And just where do you think you’re going?”

For someone who can’t speak without permission, Atheris never knows when to shut up. Seriously, every single conversation I’d had since giving him his voice involved his inane chatter inside my skull. EVERY! SINGLE! ONE!

Upstairs. I have to meet Reprise. She said this in front of you less than five minutes ago.

“Yes, but how are you getting there?”

The stairs. I wondered how long it would take for my annoyance to build up into a stress tumor.

“Fuck that shit!” Rough estimates are around two weeks. “Head back out into the alley. There’s something I want to try.”

I know I should have ignored him, but he would just bitch about it for the rest of the night and I didn’t want to go through that. I could shut him up again, but…

If what he told me was true then his master really screwed him over. I figure I should at least give him SOME freedom. Even if it is only letting him run his mouth.

So I stomped back outside, determined to get through whatever hair brained idea the snake had. The things I do to feel a sense of self-worth…

Alright, what now?

“Give me a second…” He proceeded to make thinking noises in my head. Little clicks of his tongue (not sure if serpents can do that regularly, but I guess when it’s in your head anything goes), small hums, ‘muttering’ under his ‘breath’. That sort of thing.

What the hell are you doing?

“Remember how you have that Latin dictionary in your head for when you need to command me?”

Yeah.

“Well I have one of those too. Except it’s more of an instruction manual for this new body of mine.”

…It’s pretty much a smaller copy of your old one and you need an entire book to figure out how it works?

"Hey! This form holds many secrets and powers that you could not even comprehend! I’m lucky I have a reference guide so I don’t accidentally kill you with my untapped power! Besides, it’s more of a booklet than anything…”

…

“Uhh…might be closer to pamphlet now that I think about it.”

…

“Alright, it’s one page. But it’s double sided!”

GET ON WITH IT! Maybe if I got an aneurism the pain would be enough to block out his voice.

Atheris resumed his review of this ‘instruction manual’ and I was left standing in the middle of the alley. By myself. In the dark. And I’m pretty sure I heard thunder on the horizon. Bright had mentioned that there would be a storm tonight…

You know, if I’d taken the stairs we’d be there by now…

“GOT IT!” His mental scream of triumph was loud enough to make me wince. I’m not really sure how since it was in my head, but I’m not an expert on magic so whatever. “Hold out the hand I’m on and point it toward the roof.”

I rolled my eyes, but complied with the instruction.

“Now just give me a second to figure this out…”

Figure what out? What exactly are you trying to…

Atheris’s head shot off of my arm, his body extending behind it. He went all the way up to the roof, six stories above, and bit down on the edge. His fangs must be sharp as hell considering they went through solid rock like butter. I’m assuming they did anyway, considering the crunch.

“What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” His tail, still attached to my wrist, started pulling high enough to lift me off my feet. The sensation wasn’t unlike that time I got dragged around by that roc. Except for the shoulder pain. That was new.

And it continued right up until I came level with the edge of the roof. Atheris detached himself and I went flying.

Straight into the dome over the rest of the building.

For a moment I stayed there, splayed comically on the wooden sphere. The thump my landing caused must have been heard by everyone inside. Then, like a cartoon character on slick glass, I started to slide down until my feel touched the flat roof and I fell onto my back.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination on the Hall’s Roof. Local time is approximately eleven forty-two P.M. Please remain seated until we have docked and be sure to clear all luggage out of the overhead compartment. We thank you for flying with Air Viper and have a nice day.”

“Oh shut up!” I growled, hauling myself to my feet. “What the fuck was that?” My anger just couldn’t be expressed properly with just thought alone. Words…came close, but a good strangling would probably convey the message best.

He’s going to drive me to suicide, isn’t he?

“That was my grapple function. Not the most…logical thing to put in a magical snake, but it definitely gets points for style.”

“You have that? Wonderful!” I stormed towards the door, shaking off the slight post-crash limp in a few steps. “Why don’t you keep these little ‘functions’ of yours to yourself from now on.”

“Don’t lie to me. You know it’s awesome.” Well…it was kind of fun flying through the air. In that terrifying roller coaster way. “And get this; it’s activated purely by thought. Mine or yours. No spoken words involved. Meaning this little trick of mine could save your life.” Having a safety net of sorts did sound like a good thing to have. “And don’t tell me you never once imagined what it would be like to swing around through the air.”

…Dammit. The temptation of pretending I'm Spider Man is strong.

You hated my guts a couple days ago. Why tell me this?

“Remember how I said I transfer to your killer if you die? Well it’d be pretty hard to transfer my essence into a cliff. Trust me, this is all for my own benefit.”

A forked tongue must work as well as a silver one. Besides, I have a hookshot and I’m going to use it! Even if I wanted to turn said hookshot inside out.

…I see your point.

“Yes! Air Viper is ready for takeoff!”

Never make that joke again.

“But-”

Latin.

“I’ll be good.”

Thankful that for the few moments of silence the threat would provide, I grasped the handle of the door and pulled it open.

Or at least I would have had it not been locked.

“Great, just great.” Perhaps I didn’t need to punch the door so hard that it chipped, but I the therapy helped. And hey, I was smart enough not to use my real hand so at least it didn’t hurt.

I leaned against the wall beside the door, trying to figure out a way in. I could just keep knocking and hope someone hears me, but I’d rather not spend twenty minutes pretending to be Fred Flintstone. My best bet was just to get on the ground and use the door like I wanted before Atheris decided to ‘help’ me. That begs the question of how to get down six stories without hurting myself. Landing on my feet wouldn’t help if my legs were broken. Maybe I could use Atheris to rappel down if I stick him to the side of the wall…

“Hello? Is someone up here?” That day I learned it was close to impossible to keep a train of thought when you are being bashed in the face with a door.

“Yes…though I wish I wasn’t.” The door was pulled back and I got a close up look at a terrified green pony.

“I am so sorry!” The mortified mare backed away. “I didn’t…people don’t come up here that often so…”

“Stop. It was my fault anyway.” On top of the bruising my skull was pounding like a pile driver. “Should have realized it swung outward.”

“What the hell? She shoves a door in your face and gets nothing while you bitch at me for helping you upstairs?”

Reliquum noctis clausa.

Just because I wasn’t going to mute him entirely didn’t mean I wasn’t above forcing him to cram it. Besides, holding two conversations at once wasn’t something I’d picked up yet…

“Right…” She looked around, confused about something. “How did you get up here anyway?” Oh…right…

“I climbed the building,” I said, thinking on my feet. It’s funny how much you have to do that when you want to hide something. “Wanted to see if I could with one arm…the answer is yes by the way.”

“Uh-huh.” I could feel my IQ drop just from how stupid she thought I was. At least if that look she gave me was any indication. “And why exactly would you need to be climbing things?”

“Uhh…I’m a cat…cats climb things.” Did playing the species card work when I wasn’t originally a Bast? I shared all the physical traits, but who’s to say it altered what was inside? Specifically my brain. Did it still work like a human’s or was it running off whatever instincts and biological cues attributed to a race of anthropomorphic cat people?

And what the hell would those be? I don’t know the inner workings of the feline mind or their biology. All I had to go off of was the few things Ren told me and I’m not really sure how reliable he is. He’s a fighter not a doctor. How much could he possibly understand about physiology? Furthermore, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I FIGURE THIS STUFF OUT WHEN I WAS IN THE VILLAGE OF DOCTORS?

“…Anyway, I get that you want to lean your limits now that you’re missing an arm, but maybe try to do it in a way that won’t get you killed if you screw up. Okay?” Reprise gave me a look that…wait…had she been talking to me the entire time?

“Uhh…sure.” Note to self, learn to keep tangents outside the realms of conversation. “So, what was the thing you wanted to show me?”

“Huh…what was it,” she spent a moment in thought, trying to recall whatever it was that I crashed into the roof for. This would have been a great spot for a tangent, but I already did one of those so…“Oh! Right, follow me please.” She turned back for the entrance. I followed at a safe distance to make sure I avoided the door. Once was more than enough.

It turns out there was more than balconies on the top floor. The stairs let out into the hallway that connected to the private areas. It was, in my opinion at least, fancy while still remaining modest. A plush red rug had been placed over the hardwood flooring complimented by a few imitation paintings here and there. How did I know they were imitations? Fault felt no desire to steal them.

The greeter led me through it until we came to the other side of the semi-circle. I was kind of glad we went the whole way around. These cat feet of mine didn’t really do shoes so walking around on hard surfaces all day got…irritating.

“Here we are.” She stopped in front of a door with a small square of brass nailed on it. Engraved in said brass were more of those strange pony symbols I’d neglected to learn. Just one of the things on my to-do list I suppose.

Reprise pulled a small key from her mane and placed it into the lock. With a small click, the door opened as she ushered me inside, closing it behind both of us. The sudden darkness left me wondering if I’d walked into a trap for the few seconds it took for the lights to come on.

“Whoa.” Surrounding me on every wall were instruments of every kind. Woodwinds, brass, strings, percussion, keyboard, you name it. I could go down the list, but…actually, I couldn’t. Music’s never really been my thing. I recognized maybe a third of them in total and I considered that impressive. “It’s like an orchestra exploded in here.”

“Yeah.” Reprise walked further into the spacious room. Or rather, it would have been spacious if most of the floor wasn’t covered with instruments. “A lot of these are left over from the concert hall that used to be here. Bright’s a bit of a pack rat so he built this room to house them. Rather than just let a full ensemble go to waste, he decided to start that ‘tradition’ of his.”

“Don’t see why he’d need so many,” I muttered, carefully tip toeing through the crowded room. How crowded? There was a grand piano in the back. I’m not even sure how they got it in here.

“We don’t use all of them. We actually rent them out to some of the local schools for free. They just get stored here during the winter and summer breaks.” A proud look worked its way onto her face. “I’m actually a music teacher most of the year so I can show you how to play any one of these.”

“Why would you?” I asked while inspecting a surprisingly ornate harp. How could someone play a harp with hooves? I suppose a unicorn or a pegasus could do it, but earth ponies would be out of luck.

“Simple. You’re going to learn how to play one of these,” she said happily.

“Right…this tradition of yours.” Something told me the next few weeks would be painful for my fingers. “Like I said before, not much I can do with one hand.”

“Well, you could sing if that’s more to your liking.”

“…Sing?” Suddenly the instruments became far more interesting. “So are there any you’d recommend?”

“…Took to the idea rather fast.” Her eyes narrowed in a way that caused my stomach to drop. “Actually, let’s hear your voice.”

“Why should I?” I wish I could have sounded less defensive. That’s probably what sealed my fate. “I already said I’d learn one of these instruments. It’s not like I’m ever going to have to sing.”

“It’d still be nice to know what we have to work with.” She smiled at me, trying to be reassuring. “Remember when I said I was a music teacher? No matter how bad it is, I’ve probably heard worse.”

“I highly doubt that.” She just rolled her eyes.

“Can we skip the back and forth? You’re not leaving till you sing.” The look she gave me, I kid you not, was the exact same glare my mother used to give me to make it clear there was no way out of something.

“Fine.” It was with great regret that I swallowed my nervousness, cleared my throat, and sang a nursery rhyme. Specifically the one about blackbirds being baked into a pie yet they’re all happy because they’re being served to a king. I’m sure there was another meaning behind it, but I’d rather not know it. I learned my lesson with ‘Mother Mary.’ There must have been some real red roses in her garden…

I’m not going to write the lyrics for two reasons. One, you probably already know them. And two, to spare your ears in the infinitesimally small chance someone decides to do a reading of this and figures out how to mimic my singing voice. You can thank me later.

“Wow…that was…” I was half sure that Reprise was about to throw up. The other half was sure I was going to see blood trickling from her ears. “…Okay, so singing for you is out.”

“You think? It sounded like he was strangling himself!”

Both of us jumped at the sudden voice. Apparently a certain green pony had forgotten to lock the door and now a certain silver cat was standing in the doorway laughing at me. Again.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to start with the cat jokes!” This may not be Prequel, but if I had to sit through a thousand puns something was getting torched!

“I have a right to make them. More than you at least,” Ren said, an…uncharacteristically happy grin in his face. Much as I liked the guy, I have to say that he’s a bit of a sourpuss…dammit! He got me started! “Either way it doesn’t matter. I need to talk to you.” He eyed Reprise curiously for a moment. Like he was sizing her up. “You can come too. Might be useful.”

“…Useful for what exactly?” she rightfully asked. I really hated the gleam that appeared in his eyes. Almost as much as I hated his answer.

“For high profile robbery of course.”

Author's Note

...Guild Wars 2.

That is the only excuse I could come up with.

Also, as of writing these notes I don't have a title for this chapter yet so if it ends up being stupid...yeah...

Skeir: Catching Up

“What is taking that idiot so long?” she growled into the empty air. Five days had passed. Five days spent squatting in a stinking cave like a scavenger waiting for her useless brother to return. It was a wonder he could even feed himself, yet somehow she felt safe in trusting him with what might be the most important assignment she would ever…

“Get ahold of yourself.” She rubbed her temples, hoping to relieve the headache that had been building over the past few days.

As much as she hated to admit it, Cali was…nervous at being around so many of a lower caste. Especially miles away from Sheol in a cavern that couldn’t be found without a guide. Even with her guards (Specters alone were nothing to laugh at, never mind if they had both a Harbinger and a Bearer to back them up) there were a distressing number of palecoats living here. If they all got it in their heads to rush her…

“As if any of them would be so brave,” she laughed to herself. The rule of the Clergy was absolute. They wouldn’t dare challenge her. The backlash would destroy them. Still…her best interests would be served in finding the girl quickly and leaving the vermin to their hole.

With that decision reaffirmed in her mind, the priestess stood from the cloth mat that had the audacity to think of itself as a bed. She’d been more comfortable scrubbing the floors of the chapel when she was a girl. Perhaps she could have it incinerated before she left…

She stretched her back until there was a loud crack. Thankfully she was alone. It wouldn’t due for anyone to know about her bad habits. Commandeering the cave had been a rather simple matter considering the owners were dead. And it had the bare minimum of being dry.

The Harbinger was waiting for her at the entrance, like he always was. Cali had performed the process herself and she still found it hard to believe it was once sentient. It was more like a pet than anything. A giant, seven hundred pound pet with the strength to bend steel and a bloodlust that had to be constantly watched or it would slaughter everything in sight. The hulk scrambled to its feet the second it laid eyes on her, ready to perform for its master. She put on a false smile and patted it on the head, letting it know it was doing a good job.

It disturbed her that the only one she could really count on was dumber than a pile of rocks.

“Mistress, it is good to see you awake. I trust you slept well?” Cali turned to the falsely cheery voice. The Spector was busy playing a game of Scrap with the Bearer over in one corner. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of them wasting time on games when…who was she kidding. There was nothing else to do here!

“Report.” Cali sat at the edge of the drawn out board, eyeing it curiously. She remembered seeing this set earlier. Two groups of rocks, one painted red and the other blue, each with a small white symbol to signify type. Rather expertly done too. She could honestly see these on a real board instead of boundaries sprawled in the dirt.

The game itself was deceptively simple and took real dedication to master. Much like chess. Actually, it wouldn’t be wrong to call it a variant on the game, just with more piece types, terrain, different actions for the pieces, and multiple win conditions. Essentially, what happens when a hyper-competitive group of fanatics decide they needed a more complicated game to train themselves in tactics and show just how great their strategic skills are.

Complete nonsense in her opinion and no substitute for real experience, but it was popular enough that NOT to play it would be considered outlandish. As a priestess, she had more important things to do so she’d never spent any time on the ‘sport’ but had learned enough to hold her own.

This pair, however, seemed to both enjoy the game immensely. There was no way of knowing how long they’d been playing, but they’d moved their pieces into a complex series of formations and skirmishes and it was difficult to tell who was in the lead.

“Not much to say,” the Bearer commented before tapping on of her red arches and the blue Harbinger of her opponent, signaling that they were firing on it. Locked in place, the hulk couldn’t move forward to assist which would weaken the defense of the blue army. “The Rotter left a while ago.”

“What!” Cali stared at her, feeling a small stone of rage forming. “How could you let that…thing out of your sight?” Leaving those who worship plague to their own devices had proved…problematic in the past. A short leash was necessary to keep them in line. And upwind.

“He said he wanted to go for a walk.” The Spector shrugged before moving a similarly named piece into a flanking position for an opposing Templar. “He left this…village entirely so he isn’t going to poison anyone here. Besides, stopping him implies touching him and…well, the issues with that should be obvious.”

“Probably just caught the scent of some wild animal and wanted to hunt it for sport.” The Bearer moved a soldier unit to guard her Templar, voiding the flanking maneuver and ensuring the stalemate would last. “He should be back any time now.”

“I am sorry for our lapse in judgment mistress.” The Spector did a short bow. “Would you like me to go fetch him for you?” What little Cali saw of her eyes made it very clear how much she hated this prospect. Still, the fact that she would offer was fitting for a Priestess of her station.

“Sycophant,” the Bearer muttered, earning a sharp glare from her opponent.

“No,” she said after a few moments of thought. “If he wants to go traipsing around and abandon his duty than I will not waste my time and resources on him. I will think of a suitable punishment for when he returns, but until then I will enjoy breathing easily.”

“Very well.” The Spector sighed in relief, moving a Priestess forward. Presumably to draw out the Templar. “The rest of the soldiers are performing their duties as asked. Two have been stationed at the entrance to the alcove at all times, though they haven’t encountered anything besides residents asking when they will receive use of their homes again.”

“When our task is done,” the Priestess decreed.

“Which should be any time now if your brother is even half competent.” The Bearer sent a Rotter towards the Priestess. It seemed the battle was finally starting to pick up. “How hard can it be to deal with a pair of children?”

“Exactly.” Cali’s teeth ground together at the thought of spending another minute among this filth. Even without that strange magic he had, Kylar was trained in both tracking and combat. He should have easily caught those brats by now. It was possible he had already taken her head and was on his way back, but five days was far too long for what was only expected to be an hours long hunt. He should have finished ages ago.

No matter. They were only children. How far could they have possible gotten?

“How much farther?”

“Not much,” Raden lied. In truth he had no idea where they were headed. Or even if they were going anywhere. It was very possible they would have to spend the rest of their lives living out in these wild areas, always running, always hiding. But he wasn’t going to tell his little sister that.

Not yet anyway…

Maybe he should have waited longer. Two days was hardly enough time to draw them off. There was a chance their parents were at the meeting place looking for them. Maybe he should turn back…they did say not to go too far into the wilds…

He mentally slapped himself. Pretending wasn’t going to do either of them any good. His parents were gone…they wouldn’t be left alive no matter what the Clergy found…

He heard Skeir let out a loud yawn. He gripped her hand a little tighter and kept walking, very aware that he was practically pulling her along at this point. They’d have to stop and rest soon.

It didn’t surprise him she was tired. Hell, he was exhausted. They’d been walking almost nonstop since leaving home. He’d taken her up cliffs and down ravines, through canyons and small passages, he’d even had to carry her across a river at one point. A single slip up and they both would have drowned…

Raden would have liked nothing more than to lie down and rest his eyes, but the chances were next to nothing those zealots would give up after only three days. Still, it would spell disaster if Skeir collapsed. And it would mean death if he did.

“Hey, why don’t we stop for something to eat?” He smiled down at her. She hesitated a moment before nodding slowly. He was actually a bit relieved. Their last meal was almost ten hours ago. At least he thought so. It was hard to tell time without Calenth announcing it in time with her water clock.

He mentally kicked himself before he started thinking of home.

“Great. Now let’s see…ah!” A small rock field showed itself just up ahead on a hill. It reinforced his suspicion that the cave they were in was the sight of a great battle, long enough ago that any metal or bodies left over had either been scavenged or turned to dust.

He led her up the small slope without another word. Neither of them had been talking that much. There wasn’t anything to say.

The boulder he picked to serve as shelter was easily twice the size of their cave back home. Admittedly, hiding behind a big rock wasn’t the best method to keep themselves hidden, but it was better than nothing. At the very least it was dry, unlike the last camp. How so many leeches could possibly survive in such a barren area would always be a mystery to him.

“So which do you feel like today? Mushrooms or meat?” he asked, reaching into the supply pack. Calling their diet limited was a gross understatement. There wasn’t much that would grow in these sunless areas besides fungus. There really wasn’t anything else besides whatever they could hunt.

“Either’s fine,” Skeir said quietly. Actually, she had been nothing but quiet recently, save for the occasional question. It wasn’t that he minded this, not making a sound was probably a good thing since they were on the run, it was that she normally never shut up. His parents weren’t even sure where some of the words she used came from.

“Alright…we’ll have a little of both.” He pulled out a few chunks of fungus and two strips of dried meat. He divided them up and handed her one of the strips and a bit over half the mushrooms. Keeping his fingers crossed that she wouldn’t notice the difference in portions, he took up watch, looking back the way they came. There wasn’t much of a chance he’d see them coming, but it paid to keep up appearances.

He was going to have to start scavenging soon. The food their parents had packed was enough for four people for three days. If he had been smart with it, he might have been able to stretch it to eight, but…numbers weren’t his thing. As it was, they could eat breakfast tomorrow. After that, it was scavenge until…

Until what? Where were they going? Where could they possibly go?

Another city? There were several that didn’t use a caste system…or at least didn’t go as far with it. They’d probably be happy to get a horned one among them. Elated even. A couple would worship Skeir as a demi-god! And…and turn her into a tool…or make her a priestess. She was better off dead.

Stay here, wandering the Wilds forever? Could they do that? Sure the first few years would be hard…actually, hard was an understatement, but if they survived, they’d be set. No one messed with the people who lived out here. They were tough, fearless, a step up from the rest, and…insane…cruel…sadists who’d do anything for their next meal…

Go back? Try to find someone to hide them? At least for a little while. At least…until they were found again. And now that the Clergy was actively hunting them, there was no way it would be more than a few months. And that was being generous.

Maybe…could they? Was that even an option? He’d heard stories about it being done, but…

“Raden?” He felt a tug at his side and looked down. Skeir stared up at him, red eyes questioning. “Do you think our parents will find us soon?”

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. The chances of them being alive were small, but that was still a chance right? Maybe they were headed this way now? Maybe they were wondering where their children were? Maybe they assumed their children were dead and went home? Maybe he should have stayed at the meeting place…“It might be a while. Priestesses are very persistent. There’s a good chance she hasn’t left yet and-”

“They’re dead, aren’t they?”

He couldn’t help but choke on his words. How did she know? How did she always know these things? He supposed it was obvious. Death followed the Clergy like a plague followed a Rotter, but it was still too much intuition for a little girl! Or at least he thought so…he always underestimated her…

There was no choice in the matter. It was better he came clean now than kept leading her on when she already knew the truth. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

“I believe I can answer that.”

…That wasn’t him speaking.

Both children turned to see a figure standing on the rock. It glared down at the two of them, eyes filled practically glowing with malice. A long, thin shape stretched out from one of its arms, ending in a sharp point. He had a strong feeling he knew where that point was headed.

Before he could even tell Skeir to run, the figure pounced.

Author's Note

...I need to update more.

Also these chapters are getting harder to title...it's strange...

Making Plans

“…They actually paid money for this?” He twirled the rock in his hooves. Not a gem, not a fossil, not an artifact, a rock. Or, to be more specific, a rock with a barely legible etching in it. One done so expertly as to appear the primitive writing of some lost civilization.

At least to the untrained eye. Anyone who knew even an ounce of basic history could tell it was junk.

“Typical.” He slammed the stone on his desk, probably using a little too much force. The desk was technically property of the museum. Though honestly, they deserved scuffed desks. The damn rock had probably been ordered specifically so they could pawn the real shipment off to whichever ‘noble’ wanted to feel the most cultured.

And then they passed the knockoffs on to him so he and his PhD could ‘verify’ it. Then he got a check for his long, hard work selling out his credibility and could go home to his books.

Repeat ad infinitum.

“I need to retire.” He leaned back in his worn chair, rubbing his temples raw. “Or maybe I should just cut out the middle mare and get a rope.”

“I could do it for you,” a familiar voice said. One he hadn’t heard in decades. “If I recall, you asked me to kill you if you ever got stuck behind a desk.”

“I believe I also asked you to throw yourself off a cliff.” He turned to face the cat, finding himself scowling at the sight of the silver furred flea magnet. The bastard hadn’t changed much. Maybe a few more scars here and there, a little thinner, something new in the eyes…other than that, exactly the same. “You got old.”

“So did you.” They glared at each other silently. Memories, most of them unpleasant, came back to him. This was not going to be a fun conversation. “I thought I made it clear I never wanted to see you alive again.”

“And I thought I made it clear that there is absolutely nothing you can do to get rid of me.” The sound of metal sliding on leather signaled the dagger coming out. For a brief moment, he was sure it was about to go between his eyes, but the cat just started twirling it in his fingers, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. Much to his chagrin, the fleabag noticed his worry. “What’s the matter Copper? Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little blade after all you’ve been through.”

“Not of the blade, no. I’m more worried about where in my back you plan on placing it.” Did Ren’s eyes narrow slightly? He’d just assume so. Made him feel a bit better.

“I believe that’s your shtick.” The dagger stopped twirling for a moment as the feline tapped the tip against his chin. “Remember back in Salis? With that one merchant? What was her name again? Fenc-”

“What do you want?” The unicorn had to force himself not to charge the cat then and there. And also to keep the surprise of his face at the sheer audacity of mentioning Salis.

“I think we both know.” Ren stepped forward, glaring down at him. He had to admit, the bastard knew how to appear dangerous. “Where is it?”

“Gone,” he said simply. No point in lying. Neither of them had forgotten what happened. “We’ve been over this. Remember? You cut my ear off and disappeared into the jungle.” He tuned his head to the side, showing off the damage.

“Well how about this. You tell me who you sold it to and I won’t pick up where I left off.” The knife was redirected towards his eye, the point shining slightly from the lamp on his desk. “Sound good?”

“Intimidation, that’s original.” He stared ahead with no fear whatsoever. After all, what exactly was there for him to lose? His fake artifacts?

“I hope you realize that I don’t make idle threats.”

“And I hope you realize that I simply don’t give a damn about you, your tablet, or this fool quest you’ve set yourself on!” He turned away with more anger than he intended. Never quite could pull off that cold uncaring visage. “Thank you for stopping by, but I have a lot of work to do so-”

The dagger hit the table with a loud thwack, going right through some of the papers he had to approve and taking a chunk of his mane with it. What did it say about him when his only thought was that he didn’t want to make the trip to the main office to get replacements?

“You’re out of practice,” he said in stark monotone. “The younger you wouldn’t have missed.”

“Please.” He was glad he turned around. Not giving away his surprise would have been impossible. “If not for my sake then for his.”

The silenced stretched out for what seemed like an eternity. He had him. He finally had the son of a whore by the short hairs. All he’d have to do is say no and he could have revenge. He could enjoy watching him squirm. He could just sit back, smile the little grin he’d been waiting to smile, and watch him fall apart. He could…

He could…

He could sigh and rip the dagger out of his desk.

“You would play that card.” He threw the weapon behind him, hearing the handle hit hand as the rogue caught it. “The highest bidder was the mayor, Ward Hoofer. Big surprise. Fancies himself a collector. Bit of a pretentious twat. Keeps everything he buys in an estate outside the city. Big mansion, guards out front, silver horseshoe on the gate, can’t miss it.” He turned around, somehow looking more tired than he felt. “Do try to take never literally this time, okay?”

Ren was already gone.

“Piano?” I stared at her like she was an idiot. Which she kind of was since suggesting I learn how to play the piano when I’d lost a hand one was one of the dumbest musical related ideas I’d ever heard. I told her as much while trying not to sound like I insulted her intelligence. I’m not sure I completely succeeded.

“Well it’s not like you’re giving me much to work with!” she snapped back. Definitely didn’t succeed. “How the hell could you lose an arm AND be a terrible singer?”

“It’s called having horrible luck!” I couldn’t believe she was talking like the whole thing was my fault! Which…okay, yeah I probably didn’t need to flip that guy off and give him such a good target, but my singing voice is genetics! Blame my parents for that one. “It’s more common than you’d think!”

She huffed and turned away, something that I took as a sign this conversation was over. At least for now. She didn’t seem the type to just let this stuff go.

Reprise and I had followed Ren down to the basement where he told us to wait before going off again. And now that we had been reduced to silence (arguments tend to do that) I was free to let my mind wander.

What exactly did he mean by high-profile robbery? I know what that is, don’t get me wrong, but what would we possibly need to steal? That tablet? Did we have to rob a museum? Please tell me this wasn’t going to turn into a heist movie.

Did I want to get involved with something like this? I was already a criminal, unless fighting an entire squad of guards and getting my ass thrown in jail had become legal in the past month. Still, those were more crimes of circumstance than anything…I think. The idea of breaking into a place for the soul purpose of robbing it seemed…wrong.

…Dammit, I needed a second opinion!

You want to weigh in on this?

The scaly little thing on my wrist remained silent. Odd. For the week or so he’d been talking the guy had registered an opinion on literally everything I did. Most of them criticizing how I did it/my looks/my bloodline/every single decision I’d ever made. Why would he stay…oh yeah…

Possis loqui nunc.

“I fucking hate you.”

The feeling is more than mutual. Now, as much as I find your advice both useless and annoying, I really need some here. What should I do about this?

“Go to the roof, stand on the edge, throw yourself off.”

…Thanks. That really helps.

I shut him up again (the few hours of silence was worth the torrent of hate I’d get later) and returned to sitting quietly…kind of…it’s not like I actually said anything so I guess I was always sitting quietly. Still, I had a conversation it was just all in my head…which makes me sound crazy. I’m not crazy, just…a human turned talking cat thing in a world populated by fantastic creatures, several of which appear in a show aimed at little kids, that just had a telepathic talk with a magic snake bracelet…so I’m not crazy, just everything else in my life is.

…There’s a difference right?

The answer would have to wait as the door slammed open and Fault descended the steps. She looked like she just rolled out of bed. Though honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ren pushed her instead. Reprise and I said hello and she did the same then sat down next to me with a groan.

The presence of the self-proclaimed thief and proven lock picker only backed up the whole robbery thing.

Crisp showed up next followed by the cat himself. Guess we were only doing Ocean’s Five then.

“Great, you’re here. Mind telling me why you hauled me out of bed for this?” The glare Fault gave him made me think back to the time Ren showed me how to skin that tapir…I have no idea why.

“You’re a thief right?” he asked without looking at her. Ren walked to the other side of the table from us and sat down calmly. “I brought you hear to offer you a job.”

“…What kind of job.” Both of her ears perked up and the glare vanished. Someone had been getting bored it seems.

“The kind that go in the history books.” The grin that appeared on her face almost split it in half.

“Awesome! What are we robbing?”

“Well, there’s an artifact in the mayor’s estate that…”

“Hold on a second!” The other pony in our little group picked up where Fault left off. Only her glare wasn’t so much ‘I’m going to skin you alive’ as ‘are you honestly this stupid or did you get kicked in the head as a child?’ “I get why Fault and Mango are here if you want to steal something, from the mayor no less, but why drag me and Crisp into it?”

“Was kind of wondering that myself.” The young dragon didn’t look surprised, angry, or confused as one might expect. Just…curious.

“Well I can’t really think of any situation where having a dragon along WOULDN’T be useful…except maybe exploring a store of gunpowder.” The lizard puffed out his chest a little at that. Flattery will get you everywhere as they say. “And as for the music teacher here…to be honest, you were just there and I’d rather have you and not need you than need you and not have you.”

“Great. So I’m just an extra then?”

“Basically…yes.” Ren shrugged. If I were him, I would be glad there was nothing for Reprise to throw at the time.

“And what’s to stop me from going to the guard huh? Stopping your little plan before it even starts?” I just realized, Ren was being rather blunt about this wasn’t he? Just coming out and saying he wanted to steal something (or implying it anyway) to me and three complete strangers…to him. I’d been hanging out with these guys for over two weeks. Well…mostly Fault. Not surprised she likes the idea. As for the other two…they didn’t seem the criminal type if that makes sense.

A big stupid risk by the guy who was supposed to be my wise old mentor. Kind of makes me wonder what quality of training he’s been providing me.

“First, I haven’t said what we’re stealing, where it is, or from who. You have nothing to go off of yet.” He ticked this little point off almost absentmindedly. “Second, you don’t have to be here. I’m not forcing you to do anything. And that goes for you three too. If you don’t want to do this, just get up and leave.” None of us moved. I was sorely tempted to though. “Third, I don’t think you care about me all that much, but I know Fault is your friend. And Jack here has done nothing to you. All three of us got out of jail not a month ago. How do you think they’ll react if they get even a suspicion that we’re plotting something?”

“By reaching for the nearest nightstick,” the thief to my left muttered.

“…Point.” Reprise sat, though she still didn’t look happy. Truth be told, I wasn’t too happy either. I mean, I’d never knowingly broke the law before…outside of killing five people…but there was no law where I was so…I don’t like where this is going. Back to the table.

“We’re going after that tablet you mentioned right?” Ren nodded at me. “Why do we need to steal it? The stuff written on it is the important bit right? Why not just take a rubbing and go off that?”

“And how do you suppose we get this rubbing? Ask nicely?”

“Well…yeah. It’s not like we’d be damaging the thing…”

“You’re an idiot.” I started to get the feeling that he WANTED to rob this place. “There is no possible way a rich stallion would let two people he’d never met-”

“He’s met me actually.”

“One person he’s never met and someone he barely knows just stroll in and feel up a priceless artefact.”

“Not unless you won the tournament.”

Fuck.

As one, all five of us turned to look at the stairs. Mica and Robin flanked Bright who…let’s just say that he made James Jameson look like a calm, rational human being.

“Go on,” Ren said, undaunted.

“We’ll deal with you trying to use my employees as pawns later.” He came down the stairs and right up to the table. “For now, you should probably know that Ward hosts a dinner party for whoever wins. And he’s usually in a good enough mood for requests. Especially small ones like this.”

“I just have to knock out…how many contestants are there?”

“Sixty four.”

Quick mental math…

“Seven of the toughest fighters this city has to offer.”

“Exactly. He’s nowhere near skilled enough to pull that off.” Ren motioned towards me for emphasis. I’d feel insulted if I wasn’t in complete and total agreement. Besides, getting punched hurt.

“And you still have a month before it starts,” Bright pointed out. “And two weeks in between each fight. Get him there.”

Ren stopped, his face shifting from stubborn defiance to genuine curiosity. I began to fear for my life.

“You think it’s possible?”

“If we help you.” Robin flashed me a smile that made me understand what a fish feels like when it’s caught in a hawks claws.

“Trust me, by the time the three of us are done with him, fruit boy here will be able to take on a manticore with nothing but his fist.” The very large, very threatening diamond dog slammed his right fist into his left palm producing a sound that made my ears pin back and my testicles attempt to hide behind my hips.

“Does fruit boy get a say in this?” I could see Fault struggling not to laugh, Crisp failing to stop, and Bright cracking a smile. All that was missing was-

“Not really.” A silver fuzzy hand appeared on my shoulder. “After all, we need that tablet, no matter the cost.” I looked up into the face of my ‘friend’ who was grinning wickedly. “Look at it as a continuation of the training you got in the jungle. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

…I really hate Equestria.

The People I Hate

The end result of my first day of training?

Four people were added to the list of creatures I hate.

“So…where do we begin?” My three ‘trainers’ had hauled me down to the basement after we closed and we now…watching me. With very judgmental expressions.

The next few hours aren’t going to be much fun are they?

“They’re going to be fun for one of us.”

“You want to start dog?” Ren asked, still looking at me in a way that made the fur on the back of my neck stand up in fear.

“I have a name you know,” Mica muttered before walking up to me and circling like a predator. “Where to begin…that’s a very good question. Do you know the answer?”

“Umm…how not to get hit?” After all, pain was bad, being hit caused pain, so why get hit when you could avoid it?

“Wrong.” Never mind. I’m full of shit as usual. “The most important part of the fight is not how to avoid hits, but how to take them.”

“…I’m not following the logic here. If I could avoid a hit then shouldn’t I?”

“Yes. You should. The question is, can you?” After making no less than three full circles around me, Mica stopped and looked me dead in the eye. “You’re inexperienced. You’re in unfamiliar territory. You’re going up against the best fighters this city has to offer. And these fights are long.”

“Good point…” The fuck have I gotten myself into?

“Mortal Kombat…wait…no fatalities…the joke doesn’t work if someone’s head can’t get ripped off.”

…How do you know about that? Have you been-

“Sifting through your memories? Yes. And you should be ashamed of yourself.”

I was brought back to strange caricature of reality I was now living in by a pair of furry fingers snapping in front of my face.

“You alright? You zoned out for a moment.” Mica…did not sound all that concerned actually. Maybe a little irritated…which was bad.

“Oh…yeah, I was just…it’s not important, moving on.”

“You’re embarrassed of me aren’t you?”

Like a father with a thirty year old stoner in his basement.

“Right…like I was saying, you need to learn how to take a punch. And to know where to begin, I need to see how well you can take one now.”

“Okay…wait, does that mean you’re going to-”

I woke up a few minutes later on the floor with all three of them staring down at me with my head trying to hatch into a beautiful baby bird.

“Well…he’s alive at least.” I think Robin was trying not to laugh. Or maybe she was about to throw up. Or maybe she wasn’t there at all and it was just a side effect of the concussion, I really have no idea.

“You know, it might be beneficial NOT to break him before we even get started.” Ren…just looked like Ren. Seriously, he always had this look on his face halfway between indifference and smelling something unpleasant.

“Well I didn’t expect him to go down from one punch,” Mica muttered, sounding a little embarrassed. As he should be. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to punch a guy with all your strength while he was completely unprepared for it when you could bench press an NFL linebacker. One in each hand even.

“You hit like a charging bull dear. I’ll be surprised if nothing’s broken.” The griffon reached down and grabbed my face, turning it this way and that. I let her do it. I was still trying to get a handle on this whole consciousness thing so it wasn’t like I could stop her. “I’m surprised.”

“Good. I’m gonna go tell everyone to stop writing a eulogy.” Ren walked off…somewhere. I assumed upstairs since I hear him climb the steps. Which left me alone with the bird holding my face and the dog who just cracked it.

Somehow I found the strength to say something.

“I get the feeling that we have a lot of work to do…so I am going to politely request you just kill me now.”

My request was impolitely denied and I found myself blindfolded and holding a stick.

“So what exactly are we doing again?” I twirled the stick around a bit, getting a feel for the weight. Something tells me I was going to have to swing it real soon.

“Fights are all about reflexes,” Robin answered from somewhere in front of me. “You could hit harder than anyone in the world, but that won’t matter at all if you can’t land a punch. You need to be faster and move quicker than the other guy if you want to win. Especially since you’re a cripple.”

“Wow. Blunt.” I really wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I mean, I lost an arm so it’s an accurate description, but-

THWACK!

“OW! WHAT THE HELL?”

“Like I said, you need better reflexes.” He voice was behind me now. This bird could really move. “So I’m going to hit you with this stick until you learn how to avoid it.”

“That’s it? That’s your whole training plan? Doesn’t really seem that-”

THWACK!

“OW!”

“Focus!” The voice was to the right. I turned to meet it. “No one in their right mind is going to give you a chance to sit there and talk. You need to always be ready.”

THWACK!

“OW!” The strike came from behind me.

“Definitely need better reflexes.” I growled and swung to my right. I didn’t hit anything but air.

THWACK!

“FUCK YOU!” I’ll admit it, I completely lost my temper and began flailing wildly like a sugar addicted seven year old playing samurai with a stick.

THWACK!

“You know, there’s this thing called dodging…”

Shut up.

THWACK!

This continued for quite some time.

“I take it you’ve had enough?” She stared down at me from above. Or at least I assumed she did since she wouldn’t let me take the fucking blindfold off!

Oh, and I’d somehow ended up on the floor again. Those cat like reflexes really come in handy.

“You only…hit me…cause you…could see!”

“Maybe.” She reached down and pulled the cloth off my eyes. Just as I thought, she was looking at me with a wide smile on her beak. “But if I can see and you can’t and I can’t hit you, just imagine how hard it will be when you aren’t blind!”

“I’m imagining all the lumps it will take to get me there.” I sat up, rubbing my head. It was becoming painfully obvious that hammers in my skull would become a common occurrence.

“Pain is just the body’s way of telling you to learn how to dodge.” She offered a claw. I ignored it and stood on my own.

“So, though I fear it might kill me to ask, what’s next?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking me that question?” A familiar deep voice made my skull shrink in fear. Mica padded up behind me. Surprisingly quiet for a guy that must weigh as much as a small car.

“I thought you already trained me. You know when you broke my face.”

“That was completely different.” He walked in front of me and stood next to his griffon girlfriend. “Robin and I had a discussion…”

“You mean when she yelled at you?”

“I did yell at you.”

“We had a discussion,” he repeated more firmly. “And we agreed…”

“She decided.”

“WE AGREED…” It came out as a half growl, but he reigned himself in the second he saw that Robin was snickering at him. “That she would handle the dodging and taking hits part, while I would work on strengthening your body.”

“Okay…and how exactly does strengthening my body work?”

“Simple.” Surprisingly enough, what he pulled out from behind his back wasn’t weights or a medicine ball or something to hit me with, it was a book. He took it to a nearby chair and sat down. “I am going to sit here reading a nice book and you are going to do whatever I tell you.”

“Come again?” I liked the sound of that about as much as anyone would.

“Guess I’ll go help Angus with dinner.” Robin, like the traitor she is, left me alone with the doberman who…by the looks of it was reading the pony version of Ulysses. “Don’t break him to quickly, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He opened the book. “She never lets me have any fun…”

“Excuse me!” I’d been in situations where people were actively trying to kill me. How the hell was I more afraid now? “I’m don’t think we’re here so you can have fun!”

“Yeah, we’re here so you can do sit ups.”

“…What?”

“Sit ups.” He peered over the top of the book. “Start doing them. Now.”

“…Alright.” It was probably better for me to just get it over with. I sat on the ground. “How many should I do?”

“Just keep going till I tell you to stop.” He was already reading. I could guess that the stop order wasn’t going to come for a while.

“Doesn’t sound like it would be all that effective.” And if my gym teacher couldn’t get me to do more than fifty sit ups, like hell this prick was. “Is there another method we could use or…”

“I could hit you again.”

“Alright, alright, I get the message.” With a sigh, I got on my back and started doing sit ups.

…What? Have you ever been punched by a giant anthropomorphic doberman? It really fucking hurts!

And it’s not like it was that hard. It’s just sit ups. A lot of people do these in their spare time. Outside the U.S. anyway.

This day could have still turned out tolerable except for one scaly factor.

“Well. Isn’t this unexpected.”

What do you mean?

“A hot griffon chick beats you with a cane and now a big muscular diamond dog is bossing you around and you have to do whatever he says…”

Whatever you’re implying, stop it.

“I’m not implying anything virgin.”

You say that like you aren’t one.

“What makes you think I am? I’m a badass avatar of a fricking god! Tons of ladies would want to get with me! I could have man-whored myself up and down the jungle for all you know!”

Except you’re two hundred times the size of anything that’d have sex with you and you were stuck in a cave for thousands of years.

“……………………………Just do your fucking sit ups!”

And I did them. Good God almighty did I do them. I don’t know how long it was before Mica so much as glanced at me.

“Just quit if it’s too much for you.” He idly turned a page in his book.

“No…I’m…good…” My lungs were about to explode. But I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction.

I have to give Som credit. This body has WAY more endurance than my old one.

“Not like you’re using it.”

Says the guy who does nothing but laze around on my wrist all day.

“I hate you.”

He told me that at least once a day. I’m serious, I can’t think of a single day that passed without him mentioning that he hates me. It didn’t matter if I’d given him a reason to say it or not, he’d just randomly slip it in at some point. We really were not on good terms with each other.

The next few minutes were bearable, if only because Atheris had shut up for one of the few times in his life. In fact, I actually started to enjoy it. Sure it hurt a bit, but the endorphins more than made up for it and I was seriously impressed that I could keep going for so long. I felt great! In fact, I…

Going to throw up.

“What?”

I’m gonna throw up!

“Ew! Just stop!”

Not until he tells me.

“You’re going to hurt yourself you idiot! This is obviously a test of willpower or something! Just give in before I have to smell what the inside of your stomach tastes like.”

Too late…

“RIGHT SIDE! RIGHT SIDE!”

I did aim for my right side. I hate that slithering bastard, but I’m not that cruel. The floor by me was covered with pale green slime that burned my throat on the way out.

“Well, looks like we’re done with that.” Mica commented on my panting form as I inched myself away from the stinking bile. “Let’s move on to pushups.”

Despite the pain, I was on my feet in a moment and staring at him with disbelief.

“Pushups?” I said surprisingly clearly for how much I was panting.

“Yeah. Pushups.” He smiled at me. I really wanted to take my blade to his mouth and turn it into a Glasgow smile. “Get to it. Dinner should be ready within the hour and we’ve still got ground to cover.”

“I thought…the D…stood for diamond…not…douche!”

“Well you thought wrong.” He went back to his book. “And try not to puke this time. Scruffy is terrible at his job.”

“No, no. A little more to the left!”

With a groan that only workers in an internment camp should be able to produce, I once more lifted the pile of four heavy boxes and moved them half a foot to the left, as per Mica’s instructions.

“Hmm…back a little.”

I carried them back a foot.

“…Maybe a bit to the right?”

A half step to the right.

“Now forward.”

A full step forward.

We’d been at this for ten minutes.

“Dinner’s ready if you’re interested.”

Oh that sweet angelic voice that sounds like vocal cords being rubbed on sand paper?

“It is?” Mica turned to Ren who stood on the stairs with an amused expression. “Huh. How time flies. Pack it in Mango, we’re done for the day.”

“Oh thank the Gods.” I slumped against the boxes and almost tipped them over. The one and only time I was grateful for them being heavy. Every damn part of me hurt, I had thrown up again during the pushups, and the only reason it didn’t happen a third time was because there wasn’t anything left in my stomach.

Turns out getting an entirely new body that was designed to be athletic doesn’t necessarily mean it’s used to being worked to its limits. If anything I probably would have done better as a human! At least there I had an idea of what those limits were and didn’t have them appear like a cliff in a Roadrunner cartoon!

“Come on Jack.” Ren grabbed my arm and helped me back up. “You don’t want to miss dinner. Angus made that one mushroom sauce again.”

“Really?” Mushrooms can taste like ambrosia if they’re made by that cow. “You have no idea how happy that makes me…”

“Just try not to fall asleep during the meal. We have sword training afterward.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah.” He clapped me on the back and smiled. “Just because we’re out of the jungle doesn’t mean I don’t have more to teach you. Now hurry up or all the rolls will be gone.”

He left me then. Just went right up the stairs while I stared after him with a mix of disbelief, horror, and building rage.

No…no…NO! He couldn’t possibly be that cruel!

“He can kitten. He really can.”

But why?!

“Life hates you almost as much as I do. Deal with it.”

Ren, Robin, Mica, Atheris.

Four people whose names have been forever written into the list of people I absolutely hate.

And it was only going to get longer.

Walter

“Walter? Walter!” There was a loud knock at my door. Way to loud for five thirty in the morning. It was a miracle she never woke anyone else up.

“Hmm…who is it?” I mumbled, even though I already knew the owner of the voice, why it was there, and what was about to happen. That didn’t mean I couldn’t slide further under the sheets and pretend she’d just go away.

“You know, I’m tired of doing this every damn morning!” She knocked again, much louder. One of these days that door was going to break.

“You won’t have to for much longer.” I groaned and sat up, feeling my back pop. I needed a better mattress. The one I had was only one level above sleeping on the floor. Or at least that’s where it was in my own head. I hadn’t had a lot to compare it to other than that time I slept on the floor as an experiment.

The mattress was better, but it still sucked.

She knocked again.

“I’m up, I’m up!” I turned to the side and let my feet hit the floor. “You’re gonna wake up the whole planet!”

“And they’d get up faster than you,” she quipped. I reveled in the sound of her retreating footsteps for a moment. The few minutes of complete silence I got afterwards was honestly the best part of my morning.

Of course if I took more than ten minutes she’d be back. I’d run tests involving a stop watch.

Getting dressed didn’t take too long. I’d gotten in the habit of changing my underwear before I went to bed and throwing fresh clothes on my desk chair. Today was a green T-shirt with the M*A*S*H logo on the front, blue pants, and white socks. Never seen the show, but the shirt was my favorite. I don’t know why, but I went to bed last night thinking I should wear it. Weird.

I made it out into the hall with over six minutes to spare. Unlike certain other people in this house, I actually tried to be polite. I made sure my door closed without slamming and tiptoed my way to the bathroom. I glanced over at Richard’s door as I passed it. Little bastard got another hour of sleep until next year. Course by that time I’d be out of here so I guess it didn’t matter.

Shave, floss, brush, mouthwash. Was my mourning routine for so long I could do it in my sleep. Actually, I should have looked into that. Might have netted me some extra quiet time before Ilene took that jackhammer she calls a fist to my door.

Only thing left to do was my hair. By which I mean making sure none of it sticks up. I also judged when it was time to cut it by whether or not it was in my eyes so I guess you could say I was a minimalist when it comes to grooming.

“Well, here we go again,” I said to my reflection. Brown hair, green eyes, nothing you’d look twice at, and honestly that’s how I liked it. It’s how I was getting through high school. Don’t get looked twice at. “Just two more weeks and it’s all over.”

“Actually, I think it’s only begun.”

Unfortunately I was getting looked at. By someone with a love of clichéd lines.

“…Hello?” I turned around. Nothing behind me but the bathtub. “Huh…weird.” I glanced back at the mirror only to see a different set of eyes looking back at me. “What the-AHHHHHHHHH!”

All of my senses exploded. It felt like my head was going to split open. Things went black as the white tiling shifted to dirty brickwork…there the sensation of being hit in the chest…lots of yelling…smell of garbage…screech of tires…blood…

Something flicked against my forehead.

“Get up.” I opened my eyes to find them surrounded by black. I was back in that weird dream world of Som’s, but wasn’t on a sacrificial alter for once. Small victories I suppose.

“What is it now?” I sat up to see…a stunning straw colored bast woman standing at the foot of my bed. Her brown eyes looked at me with a mixture of amusement and ‘housecat watching a bird’. “Who the hell are you?”

“Don’t play stupid. It doesn’t…well actually it suites you just find.” She smiled and I got the sudden sense I was about to be eaten. “We are in a non-physical plane inside your own mind and I am a goddess. You think I can’t change my form as easily as I change by weapon?”

“Point taken.” I got off the bed. A part of me was a bit grateful that she let me ‘wake up’ on my own mattress for once. The rest of me wished I woke up for real. “So why the new look? Just feeling like a change.”

“That and I felt you would…appreciate this form better.” She turned on her nonexistent heel and started walking away. I got a pretty good view of…well, everything to be honest. She was wearing an extremely short loincloth and what looked like two bandanas tied to each other. “After all, you seem to be taking to yours quite nicely…now come along.”

I sighed and raced to catch up. Much as I would love to just stay here and get more sleep, she seemed to emit the only light in this place and if it was my mind then I’d rather not find out what all this darkness represents. That and…I hate to admit this, but DAMN! Those hips could launch more ships than Helen!

“So what is it this time?” I asked while walking beside (or slightly behind) her. “I still have nine months if my math is right so you don’t own my soul yet.”

“I already own your soul. It was mine the second you agreed to come here.” I should have probably found out the exact terms of my arrangement with her. “You’re here because I want to discuss this little fighting competition you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“Didn’t you already visit me about that? To appreciate the irony?” And freeze my nuts off on her stupid arctic chair. The bitch.

“Yes, but that was before I knew you were going to take it this seriously.” She grinned again and I couldn’t stave off a small twinge of fear. Among other things. “And now that I do know, I have an offer to make you…”

She held out her hand. Suddenly, and don’t ask me how, the world around us seemed to grow darker, despite the claustrophobic blackness to all sides. A small ball, dark as a moonless sky yet still glowing with a pale light, began to form in her palm. Its surface was perfect, yet it also appeared to spin slightly. It was pretty…beautiful…mesmerizing…

“What is it?” My hand twitched.

“It’s power kitten.” She held it up so it was level with my face. “Pure, unfiltered, and unrestrained power.”

“Power huh?” That whole ‘power is sexy’ thing was really getting put into perspective by this orb. It really drew the eye. “What could I do with this power?”

“It’s not fun if I tell you.” She moved it away from me and I had to stop myself from lunging forward to grab it. “You’ll have to figure it out for yourself. IF you take the deal of course.”

“What do you get out of all this? Nothing’s free.”

“Very astute.” She twirled the ball in her hands, as if it were a physical thing. I’m not entirely sure what it was. “My price isn’t much. All I ask is that you do me a favor.”

“A favor.” I don’t know what it was, but that little word threw up a whole boatload of red flags. “What kind of favor?”

“Not a clue.” She smiled again. I don’t know how her teeth were that white. Or anyone’s stayed clean for that matter. I hadn’t seen a toothbrush since I got to this place. “But at some point in the future you will perform a task for me. You will do it without question or complaint and I am free to call upon you for this task at any time. Now…” She held the orb back up to my face. “Do we have a deal?”

Well this was a simple choice. Regardless of what I may or may not owe her, Somnambula was obviously some kind of evil. Or at least not good. It was likely this favor would be something I shouldn’t do or that the power she was offering would backfire on me. It would be stupid to take the deal.

…On the other hand…that orb was nice and shiny…

And filled with dark magic that would probably rend my soul in two.

Or make me more powerful than I ever dreamed…

Or turn me into a thrall enslaved to her will.

Or give me the strength to actually win this thing…

Okay, so it wasn’t as simple as I thought. Maybe because that…thing had some kind of mesmerizing effect…or maybe I was a cat and really liked shiny things now. Who can say?

What it all boiled down to, at the heart of the matter, was a question. Was I willing to accept the rather colossal risks involved just for a bit of power?

“Yes. Wait...no.” I violently shook my head. Bashing my brain against the side of my skull helped clear up the fog. And created an entirely different one, but it was a dream so I guess it didn’t matter. “Thank you for the offer and all, but I think I’m going to go the old fashioned route.”

“Fair enough.” He fingers closed and the orb disappeared in a flash. I felt a small twinge of regret worm its way into my gut. “If you change your mind I’ll know and I’ll be here.”

“Wow…that’s kind of creepy.” It might have just been me, but the darkness that made up the background seemed just a bit more…oppressive. “So are we done here?”

“I guess.” She turned and started walking away.

Well, she went three steps. Then she stuck one hip out, put a hand on it, turned her torso to give me the most ‘come and get me’ look I have ever seen anywhere, and said:

“Unless you want to have a bit of fun first.”

I was stunned in surprise at the sudden turn of events.

Then I did what any young, virile man in my position would do.

I stammered and freaked the fuck out.

“W-w-wha…but…you…just…huh?”

I actually felt a sense of strange relief when she burst out laughing.

Less so when she fell over and kept going for over a minute.

“Oh, the look on your face…” She sat up, keeping an ear engulfing smile on her face. “I’m sorry, but by Celestia’s sun sized plot I needed that.”

“I’m glad I can serve as a source of amusement for you.” Well at least I could boast that I can make gods laugh. That’s something.

“Oh what’s with the look?” I was glaring by the way. But you probably assumed that. “And here I thought we were becoming friends.”

“I don’t befriend bitches,” I growled.

“You should really change that policy.” She stood up, smoothed out her loincloth, and winked. “They say that bitches are the best in bed.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that.” Have you? Seriously, has anyone ever said that ever?

“Then go to Gem Fido. They probably say it there.” She put a finger to her chin. “Wait…bad idea. Not a good place for cats.”

“Figured as much.” Truth be told, I’d never met any other dogs besides Mica and we seemed to get along okay. Maybe the whole dogs and cats thing didn’t extend to Equestria. Or maybe I was a human in a cat’s body and he was Mica. Impossible to tell really. “Will there be anything else?”

“One thing.” She walked up to me and put a hand on my chest. That grin was still on her face. “Good morning.”

She shoved and I started falling…

“…Ow…stupid bitch…”

The cliff lead to my bedroom. Specifically the floor of my bedroom. I’d been dream pushed out of my bed. I didn’t even know that was a thing!

“Bad dream?” I turned at Bright’s voice. He stood in the doorway, a little grin playing across his face. Must have heard me fall and come to check.

“I guess you could call it that.” I didn’t really want to say ‘insane bitch goddess invading my head’ so bad dream works.

“Well you should try and get some sleep,” he told me. “You’ve got another busy day tomorrow.”

“What are you…ow.” All the aches and pains I’d accumulated from training hit me like a grand piano from the sixth floor. It’s a wonder I didn’t curl up in the fetal position.

“Yeah…it’ll get better.” He smiled at me. Not the amused grin from before, but something a lot warmer. “Trust me I’m speaking from experience.”

“Thanks.” I grabbed the edge of my bed and hauled myself up with a groan. I think I felt something shift that really should have been staying in place. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You can ask me two,” he said with a small laugh. “Shoot.”

“Why are you so supportive of this?” The smile went away and he tilted his head. “Letting us use the basement, letting Mica and Robin train me, forgetting about the instrument thing…”

“That’s not forgotten.” Now it was my turn for a head tilt. “Reprise seems dead set on teaching you the piano of all things.”

“The piano?” I glanced at the piece of wood covering a stump. “Really?”

“Yep.” He shrugged. “Personally I think she just wants an excuse to drag that old thing out of the store room.”

“Huh…anyway, why are you helping me with this?”

“Well…truth be told, it’s actually pretty simple.” He leaned in close and began whispering conspiratorially. “Can you imagine the look on Ward’s face if someone besides that wall of meat he calls a bodyguard actually wins this thing? That is worth a million times more than the supplies needed to clean a little cat blood off my floor.”

“Cat blood huh?” I couldn’t resist a small chuckle. Even if we were talking about my blood being outside my body. Something I never like happening. “Well I’ll try not to bleed too much.”

“Good man. You’re going to need as much of it as possible for these fights anyway.” He turned and started walking away. “Get some sleep Mango. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah…goodnight…” I said with a sigh. I couldn’t get through one conversation with these people without them bringing up the fruit thing. I was starting to think it was never going to go away.

Meh. In a few months I’d probably get tired of being mad and start getting in on the joke. I could think of a lot worse nicknames than Mango anyway.

I climbed into bed, still sore from the thrashing I took earlier. Something told me it was going to be worse in the morning. But also better…if that makes any sense at all.

As my eyes closed and I drifted into a thankfully dreamless sleep, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that I’d forgotten something…

Author's Note

Been a while since I've updated within a week so as a sort of apology have Khajiit's real name, a small look into his human life, and some more Somnambula cause I know how much you all...well...actually I don't know if you like her or not, but I do and am going to continue writing scenes with her in it.

And I am going to try to keep up this trend. I have set a goal for myself. I return to college in August. Before then, even if I have to pull a chapter a night for a week, I WILL finish the Stalliongrad arc. This I swear!

Slumming It

“So they gave you a whole night to yourself huh?”

Three weeks of training went by. Not quickly mind you, at times I could have sworn I was trapped in a never-ending plane of thwacking sticks and barking dogs. But I had to give bright some credit, things did get easier with time. Mostly because all three of the people helping me had a do or die attitude with a literal emphasis on die given how they were pushing me. I had to get better or they’d have buried me by now.

But, just when I was on the verge of face clawing rage, they unanimously decided that I deserved a night off.

So here I was, standing on the roof of the Hall, night air on my face, Atheris crawling around on the small table that was set up here, bored out of my mind.

“Yeah…honestly, I should just be glad no one’s hitting me at the moment.” The soreness on my body had faded after the first five days. The soreness on my head would take months of care to diminish.

“I think you should be glad Reprise actually let you out of that torture she calls ‘piano lessons’.”

“Oh don’t remind me…”

“How does a grown man screw up a simple scale?”

“Pretty easily it seems…”

THWACK!

“OW!”

“Don’t get smart with me! Try it again.”

“Why do you need the ruler? I though learning an instrument was supposed to be fun!”

“If you wanted this to be fun you should have signed up when you were a kitten!”

“If we did this when I was a kitten, I’d be bored out of my skull and you’d be arrested for child abuse!”

THWACK!

“Less lip more scales!”

“She does not like me as much as she likes kids,” I said while rubbing the rapidly cracking spot between my ears. “Why does it always have to be the nice ones who are psychopaths?”

“Cause they know they need to hide the fact that they’re psychopaths,” the snake commented, coiling up in the center of the table. “I’d bet nine times out of ten that Fluttershy has a shed filled with gimp suits in every size and a real leather corset custom tailored for her. And let’s not even get started on what the shelves in that place would hold.”

“…God, what kind of second rate fetish fiction have you been reading?” There was no way any of that is true. At least there was no way I was going to find out if it’s true. I planned to stay away from the main cast completely. There was no way I was going to risk inspiring a very special episode about ‘Jack the One-Armed Fruit Cat’ and get the entire thing canceled. Or worse, somehow aiding in the creation of a PG version of me for a show aimed at little girls. That is not something I want to have existing.

“Well I can only read the stories that you’ve read at some point, so…”

“Don’t even go there.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I would let you have more fun if it didn’t always come at my-AH WHAT THE FUCK!”

Something loud, feathery, and possessing eight needle sharp talons landed on my head without warning and began using it like I would use a scratching post.

“Whoa…is that a bird?”

“GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!” I flailed about like a five year old hopped up on sugar as the tiny bastard tried to dig his feet in under my skin. This continued for over half a minute while my not-so-loyal familiar just sat there and watched. Eventually I got a lucky shot in and swatted the fowl, though it took a good chunk of my fur as a last bit of revenge.

“Wow. How are you going to win a contest against professional fighters when you can be reduced to a screaming toddler by a bird?”

“Oh shut up!” The little demon flew above me, twittering its song of hate and evil. I glared at it, studying it’s…pitch black feathers…that seemed so familiar…

…It couldn’t be possible.

“So you followed me did you?” It hovered just above me. If I were a smarter man I would have been more worried about this fact. “You bring a roc to do your dirty work this time or are you ready to fight me like a man?”

I’m sure Atheris had a snarky little comment for me about how I was having a dramatic confrontation with a bird, but he was cut off by my order to report to his post. The avian seemed unimpressed.

It seemed slightly more impresses after I shot a snake at it.

Atheris launched out in his grapple function and bit down. The bird managed a slim dodge and flew overhead. I whipped the snake around like a whip, intending to crush the beast. It was much faster than I anticipated and slipped away, causing the serpent to smack against the edge of the roof.

Remember how we share pain?

“OH GOOD LORD!” I fell over, twitching as my back set off a fireworks show of agony up and down my spine. Atheris recoiled and from the screaming in my head he wasn’t faring much better. It took the both of us five minutes to calm down enough to speak.

And that’s when the emotional pain started.

“Bested by a songbird. Twice. You are going to kill in this tournament!”

“Oh give it a rest.” After my spine started responding to my orders again, I was able to regain my feet, though I had to lean on the table to avoid toppling. “Why would a dumb bird follow me?”

“Maybe it’s not the same bird. Maybe small black birds just hate you.”

“It was the same bird alright.” I glared in the direction if flew off. “Don’t ask me how but I know.”

“If you’re starting a feud with a bird please leave me out of it next time. Or at least get some more practice aiming me before hand.”

“How exactly am I supposed to practice shooting a snake out of my wrist?”

“Well, we are on a roof…”

My eyes felt themselves drawn to the edge. Straight over a waist high to a six story drop.

No.

“Oh come on!”

No! No way in hell!

“But how else are you supposed to learn how to-”

I am not jumping off the roof of a six story building!

“You know you want to.”

No I don’t. I left that idea back at the cliff.

“…Not what I meant. Look, I’m practically a hook shot with fangs. Do you know how many stupid Spiderman fans would kill for something like me?”

Thousands. But you said it yourself, they’re stupid.

“Don’t start using semantics against me! Just think for a second! You soaring through the air over the city, moving as fast as a pegasus, going from one district to another without having to touch the ground…”

Becoming a furry red stain on some building…

“That’s why we need to practice!”

Can’t we practice from a less dangerous start?

“Well if you’d prefer me to take you to the roof again…”

Actually I would prefer that.

“Wha…fine. Go downstairs you big baby.”

And I did.

So how do I do this again?

“Just point me at the roof and will me to fire.”

What, are we doing magic now?

“Pretty much.”

I had to give him that. He was a talking snake made out of gold, onyx, and ivory. Unless science on this planet was four million years ahead of Earth (and I doubt that since they were still using black and white film for movies) he was definitely some kind of magic.

So that’s the story about how I wound up standing in an alley holding my arm up towards the roof like an idiot for the second time. At least my instructions were simple. All I had to do was point him and…

The snake shot out, making a hissing sound I’m ninety-eight percent certain he added for effect, and latched onto the roof.

Alright. Now take it slow this time so-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Just like the last time I was hauled off my feet and my arm was almost ripped from its socket.

Just like the last time I soared through the air straight at the roof.

Just like the last time Atheris detached and sent me flying.

Unlike the last time I went over the dome.

Straight into a sixty foot drop.

WHAT THE HELL?

“DO OR DIE CATMAN!”

At the sixth floor I was in stunned silence.

At the fifth I realized I had to move.

At the fourth I aimed at the building across the street.

At the third I fired.

At the second he attached.

At the first I was pulled forward.

And at the halfway point between the first floor and the ground, I scared the fuck out of some poor stallion by flying just a hair above his head.

I hold the fact the he wasn’t a unicorn as conclusive proof that at least one god in the multiverse likes me.

The tug pulled me along towards the Hitching Post, a building I hadn’t had the pleasure of visiting yet. It was just tall enough that the angle let me clear the roof and I once more found myself flying, this time past a pair of pegasi, one mare, one stallion, wearing clothes that wouldn’t be out of place in a New York strip club. I think I waved to them.

I instinctively fired again and found myself pulled into an alley, swinging a comfortable two stories above the filthy street.

I detached and wound up above a large street. I fired at an apartment building and started swinging along it.

I fired again when I reached an intersection. Grappling onto a corner let me make a wide right turn, tail almost touching the shop at the end.

I fired again and started laughing.

“NOW WE’RE GETTING IT!”

Oh I was getting it alright. I don’t know if it was instinct, some side effect of the snake, or simply rule of cool, but it felt like I was born to do this. It came as naturally as learning to move my tail did and I can use it to pick up glasses. Though Ren told me not to do that for some reason…

Anyway, within a few minutes I started falling into a steady rhythm. Long, easy swings over wide streets. I was picking this up fast, but I didn’t want to risk death just to get an adrenalin rush. Occasionally I’d go to high and risk overshooting a turn, but I figured out pretty quickly that I could make Atheris retract to bring me back into a safe range.

Had absolutely no idea where I was going or if I could find my way back. Didn’t seem to matter at the time. I was too busy humming the theme song to Spiderman and putting together a suitably ridiculous costume in my head. That and enjoying the surprised gasps of flyers as a two hundred pound cat zipped by them by means of an extending snake that could bite through brickwork.

It was more fun that I could ever remember having.

And then my stupidity had to kick in and ruin it.

…Huh.

“What is it?”

Do you know where we are?

“Uhh…looks like the poor quarter…boarded up windows, shady characters, the place we just passed appears to be playing bad rock music…wait, is that a dive bar? Cool! You should head down there.”

What? Why the hell would I go there! I live in a better bar!

“Oh come on, where’s your sense of adventure?”

At home since it doesn’t want to get shanked in a place that’s probably never seen a health inspector since it was opened!

“And now you’re stereotyping. You’re going to judge this place just because of its surroundings? For all you know it could be an old fashioned inn run by a friendly old couple just barely making rent who could really use your business.”

Weren’t you the one who called it a dive bar?

“That is unimportant. What is important is that this is the first time since you landed on this world that you haven’t had an old man or a chief’s daughter or some wait staff looking over your shoulder. You are completely on your own for once. Take this opportunity and live a little!”

…Your living a little might get me killed.

“You’re swinging around buildings tens of feet above concrete at who knows how many miles per hour. Common sense says you are far more likely to die now than drinking in a crappy bar.”

…Damn, that’s a good point.

“I know.”

Why do you even want to go?

“I’ve been living in a cave for thousands of years. I want to see as much of the outside world as possible. That includes dirty bars in dirty cities.”

…One drink.

“That’s all I ask.”

It was with a heavy sigh and a small amount of cockiness that I reached the apex of my next swing, turned in midair, and started heading in the other direction. And yes, I was loving the cat spine.

I swung all the way back to where the rock music was coming from and into the alley. Using Atheris like a rope, I latched onto one roof, kept myself going parallel to the wall until I stopped swinging, and gently lowered myself to the ground. A quick retraction later, I was walking out of the alley with only the stare of a disbelieving bum who immediately questioned the bottle he had been frenching following me.

A deep breath and I walked into the Drunken Dog. Most likely named for the short, mean looking, and incredibly fat mutt behind the counter and the six or so canines who immediately looked up at me with disdain from the various tables.

“So a cat walks into a bar and it’s full of dogs…”

Not the time.

I tried not to show any fear as I made my way over to a stool by the counter. I really shouldn’t have been afraid, there were just as many equines and griffons here as the dogs. And all of them probably had an eye on the coin purse attached to my belt.

The guy behind the counter didn’t say anything. Just glanced at me before returning to whatever it was he was doing. I didn’t think a smile would help, it was liable to piss him off, so I just stared at the bottles on the shelf, trying to pick out the good stuff from the bad.

This continued for about seven minutes. Then I heard a voice from beside me.

“Hey.” There was a shuffle and suddenly an olive colored pegasus with a cerulean mane plopped into the seat next to mine. By this point I’d been in the city long enough to learn what was attractive among the various races. And she was…okay. She wasn’t bad looking for sure, but nothing you’d stop and stare at. Still, she had a nice smile. “Buy a mare a drink?”

Well…straight to the point at least.

“I’m not even sure if I want to buy myself a drink.” This elicited a laugh from her and a small growl from the barkeep. Not sure if that’s a win.

“Come on. The whiskey’s half decent and after a few shots you won’t care either way.” She smiled at me. I had to wonder if she made a living trying to charm drinks out of young idiots that slum it down here for a night. Or used to. Something told me she had given up on the charm part and just asked for them straight up now. Maybe it was the fact that she was at least twenty years older than me and smelled like she was a few bottles in already.

I wanted to tell her to screw off, but of course…

“Oh come on. It’s just one drink.”

Knowing that there was no way out of this without paying for some drinks or hearing the voice in my head cluck like a chicken for hours on end, I held up two fingers. The barkeep held up two of his own. Wasn’t hard to figure out what that meant, so I took to bits out and placed them on the counter. Almost faster than I could follow the dog snatched up the coins and replaced them with a pair of shots.

My new friend, who had yet to introduce herself, eagerly drank hers down as soon as it appeared. I lifted mine like it was a live explosive and gave it a sniff. Whatever brown liquid was in that glass smelled a bit like paint thinner. Still, I already paid for the thing…

I took a deep breath and held the glass to my lips.

Just one drink…

“So I said to the guy, ‘You and what army?’ And then he brought out an army.”

“Really!?” Olive’s jaw dropped in amazement. “A whole army!?”

“Yeah!” I nodded so hard I almost dislocated my neck. Then I stopped and thought. It seemed harder than usual. Weird. “Well…maybe not a whole army…there was only like sixty of them.”

“And you fought them off!” She held on to every word I said like it was her own newborn child. I don’t blame her. My life was damn exciting! Or maybe it was the alcohol. Let’s see…I had five and she had…however many it takes to make a four level pyramid.

“Well…I took care of…was it seven or ten…somewhere between those numbers.” Details weren’t important anyway. “Ren got most of them. He’s some kind of super ninja!”

“That…that deserves a toast!” She banged on the counter and the Rufus brought over two more shots. I put another two bits on the table. Olive picked up hers with a wing and held it high. “To Ren the super ninja!”

“Ren the super ninja!” I copied her, just with an arm instead of a wing. We clinked and the whiskey went down. She was right. I stopped caring about the taste.

“So then what happened?” I winced against my will. Was hoping to avoid telling this part.

“They pulled out a big, zappy net and knocked us out.”

“Those bastards!” For a second, I swore she was going to go out and make them all pay.

“Yeah…and that’s how we woke up in jail.”

“Whoa…how’d you get out?”

“Well…” The door opened and, in one of the greatest place coincidences of my life, a certain grey coated unicorn entered the building. She must have been really surprised to see me cause the second she did her eyes went all wide and her mouth opened a little. “Look! It’s Fault! She can tell this part a lot better. Hey Fault!”

“Hey…” She walked up to the two of us, staring at me, but glancing at Olive repeatedly. She didn’t look to happy for some reason… “What are you doing here?”

“Drinking,” I answered with a shrug. Seemed kind of obvious what with all the little glasses. “What about you?”

“I had hoped to do the same, but that’s not going to happen now.” She practically growled that last line. She looked mad. Why would she be mad? “Olive. So nice to see you out of martinis for once. Even if you jumped right into a whiskey glass.”

“What can I say? A change of scenery is nice every once in a while.” She laughed. Don’t know why. “Sit down. My new friend will buy you a drink.”

“You’re not his friend.” She was growling again. I didn’t like it.

“She’s not?” I looked between Fault and Olive. “I think she is.”

“Trust me, she’s not. Besides, it’s time you went home.” Her hoof grabbed my good arm and pulled me off the chair. I stumbled a bit. Probably cause some asshole was making the room spin.

“Hey!” Olive grabbed onto my other arm with a wing. “You can’t leave yet! We haven’t gotten to the fun part!”

“This isn’t the fun part?” It seemed like it would be. After all, I was having fun.

“No kitty cat, the fun part comes after,” she purred. Huh. I thought I was the one that did that.

“Yeah…” A blue glow appeared on one of the little glasses and it flew into Olive’s wing. She shrieked and let me go. Fault yanked me closer to her. “Trust me Jack, you don’t want to see her fun part.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the stuff growing on it, now let’s go.” Before Olive could say anything else, she dragged me away. I turned back and waved at her and Rufus. He never said anything, but he seemed nice.

“That. Was. Fantastic.”

Fault pulled me out of the bar and into the alley next to it. Then she pushed me into a wall. It really hurt.

“What the hell are you doing you brain dead housecat?” she screamed in my face.

“What’d I do?”

“Proved yourself a moron!” It looked like she was grinding her teeth. That didn’t look healthy. Colgate would yell at her if she were here. I wish she was. I couldn’t find toothpaste in this town. “You can’t just walk into a gutter bar like it’s a café in Canterlot! You’re lucky you just got milked for drinks instead of stabbed or getting VD!” She pinched the bridge of her nose. How’d she do that without fingers? “You WOULD have caught VD if I hadn’t shown up…”

“Oh…okay.” I nodded. That must not have been the right thing to do cause she just stared at me.

“You know what? I’m gonna wait till you’re hung over to yell. Make sure it sinks in. Let’s just go.” She turned towards the street, but stopped really quickly. “Oh yeah, here’s your coin purse back.” She pulled it out from her pack. Why would she have it? “Your new ‘friend’ tried to swipe it when I showed up.” Oh.

“Thanks!” I said happily, reaching for it.

“Actually, I think I’ll take that off your hands.”

Both of us turned to look at the speaker. It was a griffon. One in leather armor. And he had a knife. Looked a bit like a hawk. Weird. Most griffons I’d seen looked like eagles.

And he had a knife. A big one. It was shiny.

“Oh well this is fantastic!” Fault’s eye twitched a little. She pulled the bag away from me. “Just what I needed. A drunk cat and a mugging bird. Maybe we should go back inside and find a horny dog. Would go perfectly with the pissed off horse!”

“Ah, I picked a bad night. Apologies.” His head dipped slightly. I liked him. He was polite. “Still, I came here for a reason, so if we could wrap this up…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know how this works.” She took out her own purse. “Lived in this city my whole life, getting mugged comes with the territory.”

“We’re getting mugged?”

Both of them stared at me for a bit. Wonder what I did.

“Is he…”

“Drunk, new in town, and incredibly stupid, yes.” She tossed them both to the griffon.

“Hey! Those are ours!”

“And now they’re his.” She glared at me. “Deal with it.”

“No!”

“Oh for the love of…don’t make things worse!” Fault pinched her nose again. Does she know how she does that? “Look, he isn’t like those punks who tried to pull this shit your first day. Look at his armor. This guy obviously knows what he’s doing and…what the hell are you doing robbing people in an alley anyway? You look like a merc.”

“What, you’re the only one who can slum it for a night?” He rolled his eyes. “If you must know, I was at a party most of the night and I just don’t feel productive unless I’ve made SOME money at the end of the day. And I certainly wasn’t going to rob anyone there. How rude would that be?”

“Fair enough.” Fault sighed. She looked really tired. “Let’s just go home. I’m going to need something stronger than the bathwater they serve here anyway.”

“No way!” I looked at the griffon and brought up my fists…fist…fists? Does the wooden fist count as a fist or is it something else? How many fists did I have! “No one takes my money and gets away with it!”

“Except for somewhat pretty mares with practice smiles…”

“Exactly!”

“We’re both going to end up with headaches tomorrow…”

“Can I just say that I’m having so much fun right now?”

Glad to hear it!

“…Really? Wow…you’re a lightweight aren’t you?”

“Well I had hoped to get this over with quickly, but if you insist.” He put the knife away and cracked his knuckles. I wish I could still do that. “I’m just going to break his nose. That alright with you babe?”

“He deserves it and if you call me babe again you’ll have to fight both of us.”

“Fine with me.” He crouched down. “I’m really sorry about this, but you kind of asked for it.” He sprang forward with a curled claw aiming for my head.

For some reason I remembered Mica throwing the exact same punch a while ago. It really hurt.

I closed my eyes and moved to the left.

When I opened them, the bird was looking at me. He seemed surprised.

“Wha…”

“Whoa! Dizzy…” Some asshole was turning things around again. What was with these people?

“Huh…look at that…” Fault mumbled.

“Alright…if that’s how it is.” He lunged again, though he went with an uppercut. I thought he was trying to hurt my nose, not my jaw. He should really try to be more consistent. I took a step back and it missed.

“Okay, what the hell?” He glared at me. I think he was grinding his teeth. Forgot griffons had those. “You’re drunk…how much I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be able to dodge that easily so what are you doing?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. Really didn’t know. I was just moving. “I’m Scottish, German, Polish, and French. Maybe drinking is in my blood or something…”

“…What does…oh forget it.” He started swinging again. A lot of times. I just kept moving backwards. Had to move my chest a few times, but it wasn’t too difficult. Was still dizzy though…

“Hey, Robin was right. It is easier when I can see!”

“Yeah…I guess it is.” Fault sounded a bit happier. That was good. “You’re going to want to hit him back if you can.”

“Okay.” During the griffon’s next punch I moved forward. Seemed like a bad idea, but I couldn’t hit him if I moved back. Plus, while I was twisting out of the way, I could bring my fist back, the wood one if it was a fist, and ram it into his face!

This is fun!

“We need to go drinking more often.”

“AHHHHH! HOW DID…” The bird stumbled back and stared at me. He looked a bit cross eyed. “Is you fist made of wood?”

“So it is a fist!” I pumped my confirmed fist. “Yes!”

“…Who the hell are you?”

“Me?” I smiled at him. “I’m Mango Jack.”

His beak opened for some reason.

“Mango…okay, I’ve had enough!” He grabbed his knife again. It was still nice and shiny. “Stop talking and bleed!”

He charged forward. I tried to sidestep again, but the knife made a cut in my side. It really hurt.

“You’re going to want to hit him again.”

Oh…right…

He didn’t seem to like the wood fist so I brought that around and smashed it into the side of his skull while he was pulling back. I kept pushing until he hit the brick wall next to us. Cause if he didn’t like wood, he’d like brick less right?

The griffon’s eyes bugged out and went cross. I stepped back and he slid to the floor.

“K.O.”

“…Did I win?”

“What do you think K.O. means?”

“Yeah…I think you did.” Fault walked up to the griffon. She had a big grin on her face. It was good to see she wasn’t mad anymore. She’s too loud when she’s mad. She reached into his bag and pulled out our money…wait…did we have two or three purses? “That was…I’ll admit, that was pretty cool.”

“Okay.”

“Heh…” She tossed me one of the purses. I think it was mine. I was the lightest. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

“Can I throw up first?”

“Sure. You’ve earned it.”

Author's Note

Any and all drunken slurs have been translated.

For your benefit. Not because I've never been drunk before and have no idea how to write drunk talk...

...Skeir chapter next.

Game

For the record, she did yell at me when I was hung over. It was a longwinded speech about how dangerous it was to go drinking in random bars in the crappier side of town. About how I should learn to tolerate my alcohol better or learn to drink it in moderation. How to spot a whore who gets paid in drinks. And, most importantly it seems, that the next time I pull something like that I should at least have the courtesy to invite her so she can get plastered before the shit goes down.

I am, of course, paraphrasing a really impressive bout of shouting. I’d transcribe it all here, but it contained at least three swear words I didn’t know existed and several inappropriate remarks about my upbringing I’d rather not repeat.

Almost nothing happened the next five days. Mostly because I was too terrified of pissing them off any more to do anything. Yeah. Them. She told everyone everything. The results were not pretty.

The next day was complete and total hell. I was worked until I could barely move. Nothing was held back. I was beaten with sticks, exercised until I vomited, and got floored so many times I knew it like one knows a lover. And the scales. So many scales...

I have no idea how she was a music teacher. Reprise would scare the shit out of any sane child.

The second day was even worse. I don’t want to recount the specifics, and considering how many whacks to the head I took, I’m not sure I could, but it was bad. I went to bed feeling like someone had set my nerve endings on fire.

The third was…different. I didn’t have any training or anything, but Mal showed up after my shift. He looked me over, asked me how I was doing, and checked me for injuries, all the normal doctor stuff. He then gave me this bottle full of rank tasting goop that almost made me hack up a lung after I swallowed it. He then sent me to bed and went on his way. After the previous few days, I went along with it without question.

The fourth day...nothing. No work, no training, no one waking me up, nothing. I slept in late, had a nice meal, and laid around so my bruises would heal up. Whatever that crazy accented doctor gave me, it worked wonders. I didn’t even feel sore at the end of the day. I really should have questioned the random day off, but again, I was willing to just take it without complaint.

It wasn’t until the fifth day until I actually started to think about what was going on.

It was morning. I was eating breakfast across from Scruffy, the janitor who I had not seen do anything besides look at magazines and subtly remind me that I no longer had access to T.V. or the internet. It was oatmeal like usual. The spoon was halfway to my mouth when it hit me.

“The tournament is starting soon, isn’t it?”

The donkey, in all of his infinite, inexplicably stubbled wisdom turned to me and said…

“It’s tonight. You have eight hours.”

“...Fuck.”

“Well? Is he ready?”

Cedar looked nervous. I have no idea why she was. If anyone was going to be nervous, I had precedence considering it was my skull about to be put in front of who knows how many fists. Still, I suppose her reputation was a stake here and my understanding of Stalliongrad politics was that it could best be described as cutthroat. Sometimes literally.

So I sat there saying nothing and trying to keep myself from vomiting while pretty much everyone looked at me. I mean it, everyone. The ones who lived here anyway. Plus Stiff. She apparently loved this damn thing and never missed a brawl. Word from Fault was that she had no trouble ‘convincing’ some socialite or another into letting her in on their ticket. Though this year she was coming on the invitation of Cedar. As were Mica, Robin, Fault, and Ren. Reprise and Bright had no taste for it, Crisp was deemed too young for blood sports, Angus apparently fainted at the sight of violence, and Scruffy just didn’t give a fuck.

Strange people I’d fallen in with.

“No,” Ren said, rather bluntly. As if I wasn’t already feeling unsure of myself. “But at the very least he has a chance now. Before I was expecting him to be used as a mop to clean the floor.”

“To be fair, he wouldn’t get it very clean.” To be fair, Robin wasn’t much help either.

“He’d mostly just cover it in blood.” Mica was just condemning me into a metaphorical coffin.

“Wouldn’t it be more likely that they’d be cleaning him off the floor?” Fault added a few nails…

“If there’s anything left to clean.” Crisp buried it…

“There won’t be.” And Scruffy placed the headstone.

“Can we please talk about something else?” I asked in an incredibly small voice. I may or may not have been a loner throughout…well, most of my life before Equestria, but weren’t friends supposed to help RAISE your confidence before something like this?

“Come on now, you’re scaring him.” Stiff walked up to me with a smile. Somehow her teeth were even whiter and more brilliant than…literally everyone else’s. Seriously, I hadn’t seen a tube of toothpaste since I got here and every random person on the street had perfect teeth. “Don’t worry love, you’ll do fine.”

“Besides, it’s not like you’ll actually die,” Bright called out. “Killing is against the rules. Most you’ll get is a few broken bones, some bruising, maybe a scar or two.”

“Thanks, that really helps.” I was so going to die. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.

“Yes, that’s all well and good, but we need to move.” Cedar still sounded about twice as nervous as I felt. Not the calmest individual that one. “We should have arrived early and as it stands we’ll be late.” She took a card out of her pack and gave it to Swift. “This will get you into the viewing area. I’ll most likely have a table somewhere. Don’t quite have the clout for a booth.”

“The drinks are free either way so I have no complaints.” Stiff slipped the card into her mane. “Off you go then. We’ll be along shortly.”

“So…wish me luck?” The sheepish grin on my face displayed exactly as much confidence as I had. Which, if going by a percentage value, was about eighteen percent in me not turning into a red smear across the floor.

“Luck is a fickle bitch who has already proven that she hates you.” Ren had decided to be blunt again. Yay. “Rely on your skill. You are far more capable than you were when I found you in that cage. Whether you win or you lose, I am certain the fight won’t be easy for either party.”

…Son of a bitch, I think the old bastard thinks I can do it!

“Wow. Maybe you actually DO have a shot.”

The rest gave slightly more straightforward well wishes. Except for Mica and Robin whose response was merely a unified ‘Don’t get hit.’ After that we left. I didn’t really know Cedar that well. This was the second time I’d seen her in fact. Still, I couldn’t help but feel some strange kinship with this mare whose ass was on the line with mine, but in a different way.

I didn’t say anything to her during the walk and she didn’t say anything to me. Yet somehow we both came to the decision that if neither of us threw up tonight, we could consider it a victory.

Author's Note

So this is a short chapter for two reasons.

I scrapped the original halfway through. This was going to be a completely different chapter, but it didn't work out.
There was some drama at home. No details, but I really just wanted to post something.

Set

“I’ll admit, I was expecting a little…more.”

It was a warehouse.

A warehouse a good distance in to one of the poorer districts that you could only get to by traveling through some hidden alleys, but still a warehouse.

If this was the arena, it was a bit of a letdown.

“It’s more than it appears,” Cedar said as she walked slightly in front, but still to the side of me. “This tournament is technically illegal and while no one really cares, it still pays to keep up appearances.” A pair of forms slipped in ahead of us as we advanced on the front. Two quadrupeds. Possibly some of my competition coming into…I guess we were registering or something.

“Why would a fighting tournament be illegal? It’s not like we’re killing each other.” Sure it was a bunch of quasi-mercenaries beating the pulp out of each other for fun and profit, but no one was going to die. Hopefully. It was no different from an MMA or boxing match.

“Haven’t been in Equestria long, have you?” She smirked. It looked good on her. Very natural. “Most of this country is tame and naïve. Blood sport really isn’t a common idea of entertainment so banning it was a popular move. Course Stalliongrad’s an old town founded way back before this place was the land of milk and honey. Out of all the cities, it’s probably changed the least in temperament no matter what district you’re in and our reputation reflects that. So when a bunch of mercs and psychos stroll in looking for blood…well, we might as well charge people to see it spilled.”

“A sound business strategy.” Seemed legit to me. As long as two people wanted to knock each other’s teeth out, there was bound to be a third who wanted to watch them do it. I’d call it human nature, but nothing here was human.

“It is as long as you keep quiet about it. And even then there’s a ton of loopholes.” She seemed a lot calmer as we entered the building. More sure of herself. Or maybe she was just distracted. “There’s this one place, don’t remember what it’s called, but they offer prize money for anyone willing to fight these wild beasts they catch. And people actually die! You know how they get away with it? Got themselves listed as an animal control service. They just don’t report how they’re controlling the animals and everything’s good!”

“Wow…that’s clever…” Illegal fistfights AND animal cruelty. Such a lovely town I lived in.

“It is, isn’t it? Part of me wishes I’d thought of it first. They must be rich beyond reason by now.” She laughed. Loudly. It wrung off the walls of the nearly empty warehouse. Well, not totally empty. There was a ragged looking unicorn standing near a doorway with a clipboard. It looked like he was doing inventory. Cedar flashed him a card, we stepped through the door, and he made a little check on his paper. Inventory.

There wasn’t anything on the other side except for stairs. These lead down deep. Took over a minute to reach the bottom and when we did there was only a hallway forking right or left. The walls were made of a gray stone stained with water damage and cobwebs. Lamps here and there kept the place lit, but gave it an occult vibe. Like dark stuff was going on behind closed doors.

We took the path to the right and followed it for a ways. At the end was a plain stone door. It scraped across the floor as it opened, filling the whole place with a grinding sound that forced me to picture some gargantuan wounded animal. Inside the door was a small room. It was brightly lit and contained nothing but a desk and two doors, one on either side of the room. Behind the desk was a pure white unicorn whose head was shaved completely bald. He wore thick dark spectacles and stared at the papers in front of him with a look lifeless enough to adorn a mortician.

He scared the crap out of me instantly.

“Card.” A dull, droning voice escaped his lips as we approached. Cedar pulled the exact same card she had shown the clipboard holder. The pony didn’t say anything. He simply glanced at the card, shuffled some papers, and stamped a few. Then he glanced at me. Within five seconds he had a demand. “The wood and the bracelet have to go.”

Shit!

“Awww. Are you gonna miss me?”

Not you, the arm!

“Don’t tell me you actually thought they’d let you keep it? This is a fist fight and having a wooden fist would be a huge advantage.”

I know…that’s obvious now…

“Relax. You weren’t about to deliver any haymakers anyway. Isn’t your specialty dodging?”

Yeah, but that’s going to be harder since I’m going to be off balance the whole time!

“Oh…didn’t think of that…you’re boned.”

The entire conversation happened while I went through the uncomplicated, but slightly difficult process of removing the prosthetic. The straps that held it to my stump were tricky with only one hand. Eventually though it came free and I handed it to Cedar who promised to keep it safe till I was done. Atheris subtly loosened himself and slid off into her bag. I told him he could sneak off to watch. He was going to do that either way so I might as well let him.

For the first time in over a month, I looked at the place where my arm used to be attached. I don’t know if it was natural or the result of being inside a cartoon world, but my fur had completely grown over the stump. There was a small depression where the bone would be, but other than that my limb just stopped halfway where it should. It was strange. I stared at it long enough that I could almost feel the nonexistent fingers twitch.

“You’re in the right group, you’ll be fighting opponents from the left group, all matches have their fighters drawn at random, all fights last until one or both contestants are unconscious, if you win you’ll be invited to the next match in two weeks, if you lose you are to forget you were ever here, medical services will be provided to you regardless of outcome, good luck and don’t kill anyone.”

“Uhh…thanks…” The pony still seriously gave me the creeps, but it looked like he was as happy he was done talking as I was. I turned to Cedar and tried to smile. I failed. “Wish me luck?”

“I think your old friend gave you the best well-wishing you could get.” She tried to smile back. She failed. “Still…one can always hope I suppose.” With that awkwardness out of the way, she nodded and left.

My exit was just as abrupt. I certainly wasn’t going to stay in the same room as that…thing behind the desk longer than I had to. He said I was in the right group so I took the right door, finding another hallway to walk down.

I expected to find one of several different things when I reached the end of the hall. A large room where the fighters just stood around and snarled at each other. Individual cells where we would wait nervously for our name to be called. Maybe some kind of ring where we could spare and try to knock out the competition before their fights. These things wouldn’t surprise me.

The lounge surprised me.

The only thing I’d guessed right was that it would be a large room. Everything else had the feel of a hotel lobby. A plush green carpet covered the floor from wall to wall, looking so much like grass that I started looking for bite marks from any grazers. Instead of the gray concrete, the walls and ceiling were painted a pleasant brown. There was even a painting or two here and there. Mostly traditional portraits and such. Gave a nice cozy look to the place matched by the sofas and chairs strewn about the room. All were black and looked to be made of…I’m not sure what fabric it was, but it looked soft.

It was a decent bet they were at least halfway comfortable considering how many people were lounging on them. Griffons, dogs, zebras, cows, a female minotaur in the back, and at least thirty ponies of all types were relaxing in the room. All of them turned to look at me when I entered. Most looked away, disinterested. Some stared at me with curiosity or fascination. Others were issuing death threats with their eyes.

Didn’t help my nerves one bit. I consider it a point of pride that I was able to swallow my fear and cross the room, the whole goddamn room, to sit on one of the free couches all the way against the far wall.

I was right, they were soft. I could probably fall asleep on them if I wasn’t in a room waiting to be called up to fight and surrounded by a bunch of people who were presumably getting paid to smash my face in while a crowd cheered.

If only the me of two months ago could realize how utterly bad this idea was.

With a sigh I leaned my head back and tried to relax. It was just a hair short of impossible. Especially with the death eyes I was still getting from some fighters. This one griffon’s was particularly acidic. It was weird. He looked kind of familiar, but I couldn’t quite place his face. I know I’d seen a hawkish looking griffon somewhere…

A few more late arrivals trickled in here and there. Most got the same treatment I did. Everyone looked, most looked away, a few kept it up. Always on the newest person to. Kept them on their toes I guess. Though only one of them looked as bad as I was. This little mouse of a unicorn. Actually looked younger than me. She just curled up in a corner somewhere and avoided everyone’s eyes. As bad as it sounds, it actually made me feel better about myself. At least I’d managed to claim a couch.

After about ten minutes people stopped coming and we all just sat there. It wasn’t quiet, there were plenty of conversations. It kind of reminded me of my high school’s cafeteria back on earth. Except with less cement mix pretending to be food.

It was at least half an hour before anything happened and that anything took the form of a table scraping across the floor. There were three doors in the room; the one I came in, the one that presumably lead to the arena, and the one that was a closet. A bright pink earth pony pushed a desk out of the last. Everyone stopped talking and stared while she moved it, loudly, to the center of the room.

“Alright!” She had the voice of a drill sergeant. We probably would have all heard her even if we were still talking. “The crypt keeper outside already went over the rules with you so I’m not going to bother repeating them. You know how this works. What I don’t know are your names. So each of you is going to come up here in a NEAT SINGLE-FILE LINE and write it down on one of these cards. If you can’t write just tell it to me and I’ll write it for you. After we’re all done I’ll put them in this bucket,” she poked a bucket on the desk, “shuffle them, and draw one when that light,” she pointed at a light sitting by the arena door, “comes on. Whoever I call will then march out there and bleed for the entertainment of the ponies that sign my paycheck and whatever sycophants they let in here. Neither you nor the crowd will know who is coming out until your already standing in the pit. Everyone understand?”

There was a chorus of yeses, grunts, nods, and the odd catcall.

“Good. Now let’s get this over with! There’s sixty-four of you in here and I got better than teach you how to spell! Matches start in an hour!” Her speech made, she plopped herself down in front of the desk. One got the sense that she would not move for anything until her job was complete.

Those closest to her immediately crowded around the table. By the time I stood up her NEAT SINGLE-FILE LINE already stretched thirty feet. I suppressed a flashback to Disneyworld and took my place, one of the last in the room to do so.

Couldn’t complain though. The line moved pretty quick and without any shoving. I expected a wilder bunch, but these fighters seemed pretty damn orderly.

It wasn’t two minutes before I reached the front. The mare wordlessly gave me a card and a pencil. She raised an eyebrow when she noted how I was lacking a limb, but said nothing. Luckily I’d been getting a lot of practice taking orders with my left hand so I was able to write out my name clearly. Actually, I think my handwriting was better now than it ever had been. Kind of weird really.

“Jack huh?” a voice behind me said. “Strange name for a cat.” Looking over my shoulder was a six foot, two legged Border Collie wearing a sleeveless blue shirt and some shorts.

Huh…that sentence would have made me flip my shit in almost any other context yet it seemed normal then and there. This place was changing me.

“Maybe it is,” I said with a shrug before turning to walk back to my chair. At least that’s what part of me wanted to do. The rest just couldn’t resist stopping to take a peek at her card. She knew my name after all, it was only fair that I got hers. “Abigail huh?” I looked at her. “Strange name for a dog.”

“Maybe it is,” she said with a shrug and a smile. Both of us stepped away from the table. I got a feeling that we wouldn’t see the next sunrise if we held up the card bearer’s NEAT SINGLE-FILE LINE. “You just gonna go sit by yourself again?”

“That’s the plan.” It was my high school’s cafeteria all over again. “Why?”

“No reason really.” She pointed to another part of the room. “However, I got some friends here. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind extra company if you want some conversation.”

“…Sure…why not.” High school never taught me anything anyway. “Lead the way.”

She smiled again and started leading me over. It wasn’t long before I got a look at her friends. There was a fidgety looking green earth pony who was rocking back and forth in her chair, a skinny zebra who stared at everything around him with a bored expression, a shaggy looking D-dog who kept brushing the hair out of his eyes, and a black pegasus that looked ready to tear the table in half. All in all, seemed like a fun group.

“Everyone, this is Jack. Jack, this is Alpine, Clipper, Calcite, and Bar.” She pointed to each of them in turn.

“Hey. Nice to-”

“KITTY!”

My greeting was interrupted by the air rushing out of my lungs. Being tackled by a small colorful horse tends to do that. In the second between standing and the ground, Alpine’s hooved wrapped around me in a rib crushing hug as she rubbed her muzzle on my chest.

I’m not kidding about the rib crushing. I am positive I heard a crack in there somewhere.

“YOU’RE SO CUTE!”

“Ribs! Definitely ribs!”

“Oh for the love of…Cal, help me with this would you?” I endured another thirty seconds of feeling the torment of a stress ball before four furry hands grabbed her shoulders and pried her off me. I started gasping for air, she hung weakly in that air between two dogs. Not a pleasant situation for each of us.

“Guys? Really?” The mare looked at them with big dewy eyes. “I just wanna hug the kitty.”

“That kitty is walking on two legs and talks,” Cal told her. Not sure on this, but I think I saw a smirk under his fur. “He’s not a stray cat you can pounce.”

“I don’t know, he looks a bit like an alley cat.” Clipper held a hoof down to me. I took it as a sign of greeting and as an offer to help me up. I accepted both. “Sorry about the filly. She’s got the strength of a bear and the mind of a stimulant addicted squirrel.”

“A pretty bad combination.” Bar looked at me and I could almost feel the heat from the lasers he was trying to shoot out of his eyes. “Pisses everyone off.”

“No it pisses you off. Everything pisses you off.” Abigail matched his stare. The pegasus held out for a moment, then huffed and tried to set the floor on fire.

“As you can plainly see, we’re just one big happy family,” Clip commented dryly. I could hear Calcite snickering, though he brushed his hair again as a cover.

“Yeah…actually kind of reminds me of my own family.” I smiled a bit watching the two canines plop the dejected looking Alpine back in her seat. “Especially the part where I got tackled by an energetic crazy girl.”

“Oh? I don’t recall seeing a lot of cats in the city. Your family live far away?” The zebra sat down and offered me the seat next to him. I took it as the rest of them resumed their places on the sofas.

“Yeah…I guess you could say that…” I tried to make my smile just a touch sad. Apparently I pulled it off because everyone suddenly looked a touch nervous.

“Sounds like there’s a tale behind that…” Alpine asked. I mentally sighed. Time for the ultimate test of my storytelling abilities.

“Does it tell us how you lost your arm?” Bar was staring directly at my nub. It started to itch. Weird.

“Gee, rude much?” Abby started another staring contest.

“What? We were all thinking it!” This time he stared back. I got the feeling this happened a lot. “You should be thanking me for addressing the giant freaking elephant in the room!”

“I should thank you with a slap upside-”

“Look, it’s fine.” Somehow I felt there was a penalty for fighting outside of the ring. Or cage. Or octagon. It was probably bad I had no idea what the arena would be like. “We’ve got an hour to kill and you’ll only get more curious. I might as well just get this out of the way.”

“You sure?” Cal looked…it was pretty damn hard to tell what he looked like under all that fur, but I think it was concerned. “We just met. You don’t have to tell us anything.”

“Yeah, but you guys seem alright. And besides, I’ll be telling this story sober for once.” I tossed him a winning smile made entirely out of bullshit. “Maybe I’ll actually get some details right.”

“Maybe.” He broke out into what was clearly a grin and held his arms out for me to start.

“Alright…where to begin…” I cleared my throat and began my very, very, very, VERY modified life story. “I was born in the jungle down south to this tribe called the Khajiit…”

And...

Having friends was kind of weird.

For me anyway. Back on earth I just avoided people. I wasn’t paranoid or anything I just had other stuff going on. Sometimes they’d come up and talk to me, we’d make conversation for a bit, and that was it. I never took it any further than that. A girl actually asked me out once and I just flat out refused. Figured I’d have time for relationships later. Would be too much of a hassle for me. That was me as a human.

As a bast I found myself much more open. Hell, I’d made a friend within twenty four hours of arriving. Granted it was kind of a fire forged friendship seeing as he saved my life and all, but I still consider it impressive for me. I guess you could put Faultless in the same category, but the others at the Hall evolved completely naturally. I was accumulating friends like a Facebook addict.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the new body, maybe it was the near death experiences, maybe…maybe it was just this place. The dominant species on this planet had what was essentially a religion based around the concept of friendship itself. It could be some ambient aura it emitted that just made people naturally want to form bonds. Bonds based on the ideals represented by the Elements of Harmony.

However, this theory posed a problem for me. One of those ideas was honesty. And it made sense. If you wanted to keep your friends you couldn’t bullshit them. Therefore any relationship started on lies was almost certainly doomed to fail. And since I spent an hour lying through my teeth to these people whom I had befriended, the natural assumption was that there would be hell to pay later.

Not that I really cared at the time because I FUCKING SOLD IT!

Yeah, I felt bad about lying to them after they’d been relatively nice to me, but I wasn’t about to tell them the truth! I don’t know whether to call myself an alien, a demon, or a dimensional traveler, but I knew they’d call me crazy. Besides, I happen to think that the lie was a much better story.

It started off simple enough. I was born in a tribe of bast far to the south, right where the jungle began to turn into desert. It was a modest sized tribe called the Khajiit. It wasn't the largest group or the strongest, but we got by. I don’t remember all that much of them.

One of our neighbors, I think they were called the Xener, decided to wage war on us one day. I don’t know whether it was for land or battle lust or some dishonor we did them, but the reason must have either been really good or really petty because they didn’t leave any other survivors. For some reason they let me live. I think they just wanted a kit and chose me at random since anyone would have worked. Or maybe it was my parents that pissed them off. It never occurred to me to ask.

The largest one there, a huge white brute with the features of a lion, picked me up by the neck and showed me everything they did. He made me look at the burned houses, the slaughtered people, the burned out husks of everything I’d known. He described in detail everything they had done to the individual members of my family. He made me feel like I’d been there watching instead of huddled in the bunker with my older sister. He looked me right in the eye and said to never forget what had been done here and to tell it to all who would hear.

Then he hit me over the head and tossed me in a sack.

I was six at the time.

I woke up hours, maybe days later in a village not too far from mine. The Dalk weren’t all that different from the Khajiit. Maybe a bit more superstitious. They patched me up, gave me food, asked me what happened, and even invited me to stay with them. Granted I had to live with this nutty old crone that smacked me with a stick if I so much as spat the wrong way, but I could live with it. Was better than being dead after all.

Took years until I figured out what I was. Even longer to realize the repercussions.

A warning. That’s all the Dalk saw me as. A reminder of what would happen if they ever did something the Xener didn’t like. They spread the tale of course, to every tribe in the area. And everyone who heard it saw me as nothing more than bad luck. An omen. Someone who should be avoided. I could see it every time I walked down a street or went out to get the crone food. Looking back, she was the only one who didn’t seem to give a damn about it. Pity I never got her name.

Eventually I’d had enough and swiped a dagger, a shortbow, and a quiver full of arrows from the armory. It wasn’t that hard to sneak off. A part of me still thinks they let me go.

From there I wandered from village to village, staying just long enough to get what I need, but leaving before they could ask why a thirteen year old was traveling alone. Always I went north. North was the direction that would take me farthest from everything so north was the direction I went. I zig zagged my way up and across the jungle for five straight years, backtracking and trail blazing without purpose during that entire time. By a mixture of good hiding skills and a monstrous portion of pure, stupid luck I managed to not get myself killed.

Of course that luck had to run out and its end came in the form of a small camp of outcasts I met at age eighteen. They seemed nice enough, their fire was warm, their cooking smelled divine, and a couple of the girls were throwing me winks so like an idiot I joined them.

And that’s how I woke up drugged, robbed, and without any clothes on a tree above roc infested cliffs.

And from there I really got into the story.

I had them laughing their asses off when I mistook my tail for a snake. The climb down and the brush with the roc had them all slightly, but only slightly, impressed. My capture, caging, escape, and suicide dive off a cliff had them on the edge of their seats. And who wouldn’t be when the price for failure was being dinner? Bar turned a bit green and Alpine nearly fainted when I described, in detail, everything Ren had told me about the severing of my arm. I really enjoyed talking about that for some reason. Should that worry me?

Of course I omitted a few things. Somnambula’s visit and the night on the cliffs were unpleasant and private respectively and I’d rather not relive either. Though I kept my time with the Vren and the subsequent freak out. And, of course, the second I mentioned Nadene it was all smiles and ribbing which turned into boos when I insisted, despite all their protests, that the most I’d touched her was a handshake. Honestly, they tried to make me promise to go back one day and finish what I’d started like a man.

Anyway, the rest of it was pretty much standard adventure story stuff. Ancient temples, capture, combat, jailbreaks. Already said all this once and nothing more needs to be said on it. Though I might have embellished a bit on how big Atheris was…and how many Skaven there were…and possibly added an extra fight scene or two to the jail break…small stuff, nothing too important.

The first name got called right after I’d finished. Some unicorn named Dim. He made a big show of it too, prancing up to the door and taking a bow. Several people clapped and added encouragement, yelling the standard well wishes you get during scenes like this. Apparently as long as we were in the same waiting room we were allies.

Normally you’d think there’d be some kind of tension after that, but there wasn’t. People weren’t too worried about getting called yet. After all there were sixty-four fights and they were all happening the same night. The countdown had started, but we were nowhere near the finish. As such, people stayed relaxed.

Relaxation, however, could easily turn into boredom. And boredom was unacceptable! So to stave off the boredom I got a few stories in exchange for mine. Five actually.

Alpine had been raised on a farm outside Stalliongrad. And yes, she was just as excitable as a filly as she was now. She was around eight when people figured out that she was pretty damn strong, even for an earth pony. Not only that, but she had the reflexes of a rabbit with heroine for blood. It made her more than tough enough to handle farm work, but left her without the patience for it. So when she was old enough, she packed up and headed for the city and the ‘more exciting side of life’. And, this town being what it is, it wasn’t long before someone tried to mug her. All he took was a free two week trip to a hospital and gave her the knowledge that she really loved fighting. All that combined meant it was only a matter of time before she was signed up for the tournament. Apparently she had a day job in a warehouse, moving things around.

Calcite came all the way from Gem Fido, a beta in a den there. He didn’t say which one and he didn’t say why he left. Just that he had a disagreement with those above him and it was either stay or risk getting steel in his ribs. Eventually he worked his way south to Stalliongrad as outcasts were want to do. Got himself involved with a carpenter, said they needed someone to build ships and carts. He had apparently learned some amount of woodworking in the place he refused to talk about, so he took the job. Spending a lot of time swinging mallets and hauling wood attracts attention so within three years someone offered him a ticket.

Bar was, believe it or not, from Ponyville. Said he hated the place. Too small, too quiet, and too lazy of a name. But, like a lot of pegasi (especially one named Barometer) he joined the weather team. First chance he could he got himself transferred to the Stalliongrad team. Because it was ‘close enough that moving wasn’t too expensive while still being far away from that sugar filled nightmare’. Only time he went back was to visit his folks and those never lasted long. A loudmouth pegasus with a ‘hot temper and hotter hooves’ didn’t remain anonymous for long so someone picked him up pretty quick.

Abigail was actually born in Stalliongrad. Lived here her whole life. Unfortunately it was in one of the slums, but she came from a tough family so they made due. There was a lot of the standard street urchin stuff. Joined a gang of kids, got into a lot of fights, had to teach herself most things. People kept saying it was strange to see a D-Dog in a library, but it paid off. She managed to scrape together enough knowledge of metalworking to talk herself into being apprenticed by a blacksmith. Scraped together enough cash to get out of that shithole and now she lived in a place that could almost be considered decent and was well on her way to acquiring her own forge. Blooded AND intelligent dogs were hard to find in this city so she had no shortage of backers.

Clipper by far had the longest to travel. He came all the way from the Zebra Isles. For reasons he didn’t even understand, his parents hopped on a boat to Equestria when he was little. They also picked Equestria’s most notorious city to live in though he thought that might have been because of the high minority rate. He didn’t remember when, but at some point he figured out that he had a real love of styling manes. And as you’d expect from a zebra colt in the most racist city in the land who liked to cut hair, he got into a LOT of fights. But he kept at it and now his motto is ‘I fix manes and mess up faces’. It came with a reputation and one free ride to fight club.

I am heavily paraphrasing of course. Telling the full stories would take all night. Hell, it practically DID take all night. By the time all the stories had been finished, Alpine, Clipper, and Calcite had already been called in for their matches. Didn’t know if they won and I wouldn’t find out till tomorrow. They wanted everything to be as secret as possible.

The numbers had dwindled down to ten and we’d been reduced to discussing food when it finally happened.

“Hey, cat!” Didn’t even need to say my name. More bast need to come north. “Your name came up!”

“Well, looks like it’s time.” Abigail smiled at me. She looked ten times as confident as I felt in that moment. “You think you’re ready?”

“Maybe I am.” I tried to smile back, but I was later told it looked like I was trying to hold in my stomach. Pretty accurate I have to say. “Maybe I’ll get stomped in the first minute. Hard to say really.”

“Mind your legs,” Bar said, giving me a look that suggested I’d just slept with his sister. “Just cause they can’t kill you doesn’t mean they won’t try to maim. There’s always a few new cripples every year. Don’t become one of them.”

That did not help settle my stomach. If anything it took it to swing dancing. Still I swallowed down the bile and thanked the both of them for the conversation. Really wasn’t any point in lingering beyond that. If you stayed in the room for more than a minute that pink mare started yelling at you. She didn’t look at me when I passed her. Just went back to reading a thick book she had pulled out shortly after the speech.

I took a deep breath when I reached the door, preparing myself. It was premature. The door lead to another long, grey hallway. I jumped a bit when it slammed shut behind me. That was never a good sign.

I didn’t hear anything besides my own soft footfalls. I had assumed I’d hear something on my way there, the murmur of the crowd, some kind of announcement, but there was nothing. Just me and my thoughts. My nervous, increasingly panicky thoughts…

This whole thing was a mistake. I wasn’t a fighter! I’d never even thrown a punch until three months ago, now they expected me to beat the shit out of somebody I didn’t know who probably had a ton more experience than me? While I was down an arm? This was going to be a slaughter. I was gonna limp out of here a cripple! More of a cripple anyway…

Yeah, I apparently beat up some mugger with a knife, but I was drunk! Being drunk changes things! In both good and bad ways!

God I needed a drink…

They made the hallway too long. Too much time to think…

The door I reached was unimpressive and unadorned. Simple whitewashed wood you’d find in a newly built house. The only thing that made it stand out was a little yellow light on the wall beside it. It came on the second I came up to it. There was no mistaking it as my cue to enter. I took another deep bracing breath and entered the arena.

It was totally silent.

There was no roaring crowd, no music, no announcement or anything except the door creaking open and shut behind me. I was in a flat pit with a layer of sand covering hard concrete. The walls were the same grey stone that made up the hallways and rose a good thirty feet before trading off to black windows, heavily tinted so I couldn’t see inside. These stretched to a ceiling that matched the walls in every way. The circle might have been three hundred feet across, plenty of room for its purpose. There was absolutely nothing in it.

Nothing except for the thick, pug looking diamond dog steadily advancing toward me.

“Hey,” I said to him.

He charged.

Match

“SHIT!” A big furry fist came flying at my face. I was only able to avoid it by sacrificing my footing. Two people tonight had told me to keep an eye on my feet and literally the first move I made was to fall flat on my ass.

Course the other order I’d been given was ‘don’t get hit’ and given the sheer size of the arm behind that punch, that command took priority.

Unsurprisingly, my opponent looked even bigger from the ground. And he was a goddamn titan when he lifted his left leg to stomp my chest. I let out a shriek more appropriate for a seven year old hit by a joy buzzer and rolled to the left. The earth shook when he impacted. If I was half a second slower that thumping sound would have been my ribs shattering like glass.

In three second I was standing, staring at him with eyes the size of dinner plates. A very, very scary growl came from…let’s call him Magnus. With that squashed puppy face, he looked the part.

“So that’s it then? Second we step in we fight? No bell or anything?” I dropped into a fighting stance, trying to relax. I had to keep myself loose, ready to move any which way at a moment’s notice. That was something both Spike and repeated whacks with a stick had taught me.

“Yup.” Magnus was smart enough to give me zero breathing room. He came in fast with a heavy-handed strike intending to bludgeon the top of my skull. Kind of a stupid move considering I had a good three inches on him.

“Someone probably should have told me that.” I made a jerky, barely successful dodge. I could actually feel him graze the fur on my shoulder. This was just gonna be a blast.

“Probably.” He stepped forward, lining up another punch. This one aimed for my gut. I could already hear my organs screaming in terror.

“Honestly, you’d think it would have been one of the first things we talked about.” Again, I avoided it by a literal hair. This time with a quick back step. I actually had cat reflexes, not the cheap cat-like ones a lot of people paraded around, but genuine feline reactionary time, and I still could scarcely avoid this brute. Weren’t the thick guys supposed to be slow?

“Cat should stop talking and start hitting.” Magnus made his point very clear with another strike. This one looking to turn my face into a perfectly flat plane.

“If you say so.” With a bob and a weave that I swear I just pulled from mid-air, I was around and inside the fist. Perfectly positioned to deliver a quick jab to his big black nose. A target that was impossible to miss.

He yelped and backed off, clutching his muzzle tightly. I took the opportunity to put a little distance between us. And to put a smile on my face. Magnus on the other hand chose a scowl and I’ll give you one guess what it was directed as. He put fist to palm and his knuckles went off like fire crackers.

I took that as the starting bell.

He came in swinging. Heavy blows that, if connected with my head, would probably be enough to knock me out cold. Luckily I didn’t let them connect. Unluckily I was only staying ahead by centimeters. Even worse, he wasn’t giving me any openings to attack back.

An uppercut made me lean back which gave him a good shot at breaking my knee. I could only avoid that by rolling backwards into a crouch which left my face vulnerable to a kick. Jumping left just put me off balance which gave him time to line up a punch. He took ground the second I dodged that, forcing me backwards. It continued like this for a while and every single attack left me convinced that the next one would hit. Wouldn’t have been surprised if he won after I dropped dead from a heart attack.

I was about five feet from the wall when I realized exactly what Magnus was planning. Fighting a quick opponent? Just shove him against something and wale on him when he’s trapped. Of course quick of feet didn’t mean quick of mind and I’d stumbled onto this revelation when I only had ten seconds left to deal with it. Ten seconds with ninety percent of my faculties devoted to not getting hit.

Shouldn’t have wasted one deciding to never enter another tournament of any kind ever again.

I don’t really know what happened at that point. One second he was readying the next punch I would have to surrender maneuvering space for and the next we were both on the ground with me on top of him. Common sense would say I tackled him, but it would also ask why the hell I did that.

It would then answer that I should start hitting him. So I did.

My first attack was wild, a crazed swing that from the left did nothing but glance off his jaw. He yelped again, but it didn’t show sign of doing any real damage. The second strike was more focused and caught his full in the face. I tried for a third, but he caught my fist and yanked me down. Our heads crashed together with a loud crunch and then I was off him.

A unified grunt of pain came from the both of us. Stars and blackness crowded at the corners of my vision and I felt a sudden urge to lie down, grab the nearest object resembling a blankie, and have a nice trip to dreamland which was devoid of ugly talking dogs with hard heads. And while I would have loved to give into that impulse, part of me knew that I would take no end of shit if I blacked out after the first substantial hit I sustained. So I did the only logical thing I could think of at the time.

Push myself up on all fours and scramble the fuck away before Magnus got up and introduced my bones to his foot.

It would have worked too if not for that long piece of spine sticking out from the top of my ass.

I let out my most cat like sound yet while being yanked back by my tail. I was twirled once and hurled back first into the wall with enough speed to make my vision flash white for a second and my brain to become sure that he’d just ripped the whole thing off. I looked down and nearly collapsed in relief to see it sitting there behind my legs where it always was.

The relief went away when I looked back up to see a big foot flying towards my face.

Curling up pulled my head out of danger. There was a loud crunch as toes smashed into concrete three inches from my ears. A sympathy wince was called for. The howl from Magnus was assurance enough that it hurt more than every stubbed toe I had ever gotten combined.

It bought enough time for me to get up. And that took a lot of time. My vision was swimming, my ears rung, and my stomach wouldn’t stop dancing dammit! The sand seemed bright and stung my eyes so picking things out was difficult. I recognized one thing however.

Magnus had his back to me.

I trusted my instinct, or maybe it was the concussion, and lunged forward, leaping onto his back and wrapping my arms…arm and stump around his neck.

Yeah, it was definitely the concussion.

He stumbled even as I planted my feet and pulled back. The hand I had grabbed onto the elbow and pressed tight into Magnus’s throat. His hands started moving up and there was no way I could keep my grip if he started pulling. So I set into motion the first plan that came to mind and shoved a leg right up between his own.

Never really did see the value of fighting fair.

His hands froze in place as all the air went from his lungs in one pain filled wheeze. I only tightened my grip, not wanting him to get any more air. All I needed was for him to pass out. Just a little longer and then we could both…

There was a very solid sound and something hard hit my nose.

Everything was dark again. A thick dark to. There were outlines, but I could just barely see them. I knew I was holding something and I couldn’t let it go. If I did bad things would happen. I pulled tighter, not wanting to lose it.

Something touched my arm. It was nice and soft. It pulled, but it wasn’t very hard. I didn’t pay it any mind. Wasn’t hurting anything.

Was kind of tired. Maybe I should have slept. But I had to keep holding the thing first. Didn’t want to drop it. Might break something. Held it tight so it couldn’t get away.

It seemed to get a lot heavier all at once. Like it was pushing me. Actually, I think it was. Pushing me backwards. Maybe it was time to sleep after all.

I slipped and things got darker…

Author's Note

...This chapter was a bitch.

Took way too long and came out way late...this is the last time I make a chapter nothing but one fight scene.

So...yeah.

Also thanks to Kea for looking over this for me. And Forevermore for looking over the last one since I can't remember if I thanked him or not.

The Umbrella

“Where do you keep the ointment?”

That was the last thing I said to another human. In fact, they were some of the last words I spoke on earth. How stupid is that? History is filled with great men and women who left this world with some of the great quotes of history on their lips and I asked for some damn ointment. It’s a bit depressing.

“Aisle six.” The woman behind the counter was a zombie. She didn’t even look at me. I guess nothing interesting happens at Rite Aid but she could still show some damn courtesy. Wasn’t my place to judge so I walked to aisle six without a word.

Even without a brain she apparently knew just enough about the store to give descent directions. Ointment, Band-Aids, medicated creams far as the eye can see. Especially since I can’t see through walls. Why was I in this aisle you ask? Because my parents were too damn lazy to get off Diablo and go to the store. Now back to important matters.

Like why there had to be seven thousand brands of a product that’s supposed to do one simple thing. Honestly, I think there’s a point where reckless consumerism just isn’t worth it anymore. I think we could do with maybe two or three-

“Hello there.”

“JESUS!”

My hands suddenly lost control of themselves and spazed out like a soda addicted seven-year-old. The box they were currently holding flew gracefully in the air before landing at the feet of my assailant. An attractive, forty-something, dark haired woman stared at me an amused smile. She was wearing black pants, a black coat with a black shirt underneath, black shoes and socks, and carrying a black umbrella. I got the feeling she liked black.

“Hi.” My voice came out shaky. Probably because my heart just rammed into my vocal cords at mach 2. All she did was smile at me. I smiled back, albeit far more nervously. When a strange yet hot lady starts staring at you for no reason, nervousness is a given. “Lovely weather we’re having.”

“Absolutely. It’s gorgeous.” True enough. For the past week it’s been nothing but sunshine. So why the coat and umbrella? She didn’t seem to mind the heat. The store was air-conditioned. And she must have been in a good mood since she wouldn’t stop smiling.

Tentatively, I reached down to grab the dropped box. She didn’t even bat an eye. Just kept staring. With another sheepish smile I turned back to the ointments. If I ignored her, maybe she’d go away. Sometimes, I really wish she had. But no, she just stood there, umbrella under her arm, jaunty smile on her lips, and a strange hunger in her eyes.

I started to wonder if she was a cougar in which case: YAY! I was eighteen, it’s all legal. But then stupid logic had to come and crush that dream saying ‘What cougar picks up guys at a Rite-Aid?’ Then I spent five minutes trying to ignore her while my mind brought up every possibility from ‘escaped murderer’ to ‘repressed house wife with a fetish.’ But there comes a time in all of us where curiosity overpowers fear. And so I asked the fateful question.

“Can I help you?” The smile got wider.

“Oh it is not how you can help me, my little brony, but how I can help you.” At the word brony I immediately sounded the retreat.

“What? I’m not a…” I stopped the second the umbrella tip came into contact with my throat.

“Don’t play games with me kid. I’ve been in this business a lot longer than you have.” I don’t know exactly what ‘business’ we were in, but her tone implied it was deathly serious. For the record, I am a brony. A closet brony since being the school’s local loner and having a slew of aggravating cousins and brothers doesn’t give you much in the way of backup. Not that they were mean or anything, but if they ever found out I watched My Little Pony…

“What do you want?” Her sweet yet sinister smile returned in full force. I dreaded her answer.

“To ask you a question.” Wow. Not what I was expecting. Maybe something along the lines of ‘Your life’ or ‘To hear your anguished screams’ or ‘A nice chianti.’ A question didn’t seem that bad.

“Shoot.” She leaned in conspiratorially, her eyes glinting mischievously.

“Would you like to go there?” As a response she got a blank stare and not much else.

“Go where?”

“Where do you think? Equestria. Land of the ponies. Realm of the sun and moon.” It wasn’t every day someone asked me something like that. Kind of wish they did. Ponies make everything so much better.

“Well yeah, of course. So does every other brony in the world.” That charmingly creepy smile turned smug in an instant.

“Very well then. I’ll send you.”

Picture the scene for a moment. A woman you don’t know who just spent the last five minutes of her life staring at you said she’ll send you to Equestria. Naturally your mind is full of fuck right about now so I’ll give you a second.

…

There. All better? So after this moment of silent contemplation you probably have a lot of thoughts on the matter ranging from ‘FUCK YEAH’ to ‘Bitch, you serious?’ I think I was a bit more realistic.

Okay, so she’s obviously insane. Just play along, don’t take anything she gives you, and call the feds when you leave.

“You’re kidding. You’re kidding right?” Yeah, yeah, it’s an old joke. Sue me.

“Nope. You’re going to Equestria.”

“Not as something stupid like a ferret or a rock or a ghost?”

“You’ll walk, you’ll talk, and you’ll be alive.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” That was it then. No brony (or pega-sister, whichever you prefer) worth their salt would dare break a Pinkie promise.

“Why me? There are plenty of other people out there who’d jump at the chance.”

“Well you seem like a good kid. I think you’ll have some fun there.” I couldn’t think of a reason I wouldn’t have fun in Equestria. Besides, it was just some nut’s game. What could possibly go wrong?

“Alright then. I’m game.” Her eyes lit up as her smile reached new heights. “Send me to Equestria. Hell, I’m feeling a bit hungry. How bout a Big Mac and fries while you’re at it.” With my sarcasm quota filled for the day, I returned my gaze to the shelf. In retrospect, this was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

“Deal.”

*WHUMP*

Another Warm Welcome

Just thought I should mention that there is a time skip between this chapter and the last chapter. Any new objects, events, or people mentioned that you’ve never heard of before will be explained when the time is right.

…

Or when we actually finish the damn thing. Whichever comes first.

“Wake up!”

I jolted up from the tree I was leaning on expecting an attack. Instead, I got our quiet campsite. With a small growl of anger, I turned to Ren.

“What is it?”

"You've been sleeping for ages." I looked at the sun. It had just risen. I sighed in annoyance. The closer we'd gotten to the city, the more impatient Ren got. “Now hurry up and get some breakfast. We should reach Stalliongrad by midday.”

“Bout damn time,” I muttered. I thought we’d be here a lot sooner. But first there was the snake temple, then that detour with the Skaven, and then trekking halfway across the damn country because he took us too far east! For the old wise man he seems to be, Ren is terrible with directions. “So what’s for breakfast?”

Pears. We’d eaten pears for breakfast. Since we were in Equestria now, we couldn't get any meat in the wild. Which sucked. I would have killed for some bacon, but apparently that’s not why they keep pigs, so that’s out. Forever. Still, Stalliongrad was supposed to have a significant non-pony population. Might be able to get some fish at the least.

“Are we there yet?”

“No. Stop asking.”

“This is the first time I've asked.”

“And once was enough.” I smirked to myself. You know what’s coming.

Five minutes later.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

Five minutes after that.

“Are we there yet?”

“No!”

Another five minutes.

“Are we there yet?”

“NO!”

And once more.

“Are we there yet?”

“YES! IT IS RIGHT OVER THE HILL!”

“Wow. You snap at this game way to easily. I only asked five times.”

“Sorry. Brings back some bad memories.” Honest to god, I saw him shudder. “Still, we’re here. Well, we’re in sight of the city at least.” He motioned me forward and I joined him at the tree-line. We pulled back the branches and I got my first glimpse of Stalliongrad.

It might have been a city from earth, except that even from this distance it was easy to tell most of the city was made from wood or stone instead of steel. What was really impressive was that the entire metropolis was built on an island in the middle of an enormous river. Seriously, this thing was HUGE! More of a lake surrounding an island that is connected by a pair of rivers. Most of the shoreline was level with the water, but in a few places it rose into steep cliffs. I could see the tiny figures of no doubt colossal mansions proudly situated in these prominent areas. The only way in (for those who couldn’t fly) was a series of bridges connecting the urban sprawl with the mainland.

“Some place,” I muttered, slightly awestruck at the sight.

“Quite the sight. Let’s not stay to long. Bad reputations are usually earned for a reason.”

“Right. So we head for the nearest bridge?”

“Not quite,” he said. And you know he had a smile on his face when he spoke the next line. “How well can you swim?”

Good news everyone! I can still swim as a cat person with one arm. I’m just…slower. And fur doesn’t really make the water any less cold. So it was with great anger that I hauled myself up onto the dock to stand before the drying Ren. I shook the water off my prosthetic (now painted to match my fur) and glared at him.

We were standing on a wooden platform to the side of a modest ship. No one could see us, but I could hear the hustle and bustle of a crowded dock just around its hull.

“Explain to me why I just swam through a near freezing river when there was a perfectly good bridge a thousand feet away?”
“Because I’m not giving all our money to some damn racist guards so they’ll let us in ‘their’ city. Not when there are plenty of free ways in. Now dry yourself off. We need to blend in.”

“Ren, we’re a couple of cat people and I’m missing an arm. There is no way in all the pits of hell we could blend in with a pony city.”

“Then…try to minimize the attention you draw to yourself. Keep your head forward and act like you know exactly where you’re going. Ignore anyone that gives you a weird look and try to stay out of people’s way. Hopefully, they’ll let us by without too much trouble.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen,” I grumbled. My track record didn’t give much hope for ‘without too much trouble’. I dried off in a reasonable amount of time (thank you Celestia) and we slipped out into the crowd.

The first thing I noticed was that it wasn’t completely ponies. Throughout the crowd I could spot small amounts Diamond Dogs, Zebras, Griffins, Cows, Sheep, even the occasional Minotaur. Still, mostly ponies. Ponies who all stopped and stared at the two Bast that walked calmly out from behind a ship. So much for low profiles.

“Ren…”

“Keep walking.” Well, he's gotten me this far. I started moving a little faster and tried to give off the idea that I knew exactly what I was doing. After a few seconds they stopped staring and went back to whatever it is they were doing. We moved through the crowd (still getting a few odd looks) and off the docks, heading deeper into the city.

“It actually worked,” I said after a few minutes. No one had even talked to us, let alone stopped us. Sure they looked at us, but for the most part that was as far as they’d taken it. Maybe they see weird stuff like us all the time.

“That’s the one thing I like about big cities. Most people living there just don’t care enough to bother you.” I laughed a little as we continued wading through a sea of candy colored horses dotted with other fantastic beasts I never would have imagined meeting a couple months ago. Life can really surprise you sometimes.

We walked down stone streets (no sidewalks, didn’t really have a need when there were no cars) past buildings made of stone and wood. After a while, we ended up in what seemed to be a market district. Signs proclaiming places of business (mostly bars) competed with stalls for customers. Shopkeepers called out their wares for all to hear.

“Wow. They have a lot of stuff here,” I said, eyeing a stall selling watches.

“Don’t get distracted. We’re here to find Copper. Nothing more.”

“I was just saying. We might find something interesting.”

“These places are a trap. Most of the goods will be shoddy and overpriced. The merchants will suck you dry for every last coin and enjoy every second of doing so.”

“And you don’t trust me to be a smart shopper?”

“Not really no."

"Hey, I've always been very good with money." Back on earth, my checking account had over four thousand dollars in it. Not because I was rich, but because I barely spent any money at all. Frugal living has it's rewards.

“Whatever. You’re still not going anywhere near those stalls,” he grumbled. I sighed as a response and we kept walking. I decided to busy myself trying to figure out what had given Stalliongrad its bad reputation. It was still miles better than…let’s say Detroit. But by Equestrian standards, it was Detroit.

Never been to Detroit and if all those jokes have any merit I can be happy about that fact.

The streets were as clean as you’d expect when they’re constantly walked on by thousands of marshmallow ponies all day. Buildings seemed to be in good repair. Hadn’t seen any crime yet. Actually, I hadn’t seen any guards yet. I guess that didn’t matter.

There was probably nothing to worry about.

“So where exactly are we going? Copper’s place?” I asked after the feeling of repetition had passed.

“Of course not. I don’t know where he lives.”

…

“What?”

“We’re going to a museum. He was a semi-famous archeologist. Even if he doesn’t work there, they’ll probably have records on him.”

“Oh. That’s good then. Shouldn’t take too long.”

“We will spend as much time as we need looking for him.”

“This is really important to you, isn’t it?”

“More than you could possibly-”

“HALT!” At the sudden noise, I jumped nearly three feet in the air. It took all my self-control not to draw Erebus as I spun around. Ren turned calmly with the practiced ease of a warrior. Show off.

Standing before us was a single earth pony guard. Like magic, the crowded market cleared in a twenty foot radius around us. I quickly scanned the crowd to try to get a gage of what was happening. Most of the crowd had a look of passive curiosity. Some of them (this group being mostly ponies) were staring at the starting scene with cruel superiority. Another group (mostly non-ponies) were looking on with a tired resignation. Like they’d seen this before.

All that happened in the ten or so seconds it took Ren to respond.

“Can we help you officer?”

“Yes. You can help me by coming quietly.”
…

“Are you implying that we’re under arrest?”

“I’m not implying, I’m stating. Now are you going to come quietly or not? I’d rather not cause a scene,” he said authoritatively. A little late for that jackass.

“Excuse me, but why are we being arrested? We’ve only been here an hour at the most. I don’t remember committing a crime,” I told him, struggling to keep any hint of anger out of my voice.

"Actually, you committed three."

...

"Three?"

“One: Entering the city through illegal means. It isn’t permitted to go swimming in the river except in designated areas.”

“We didn’t-”

“We watch for that kind of thing idiot. Two: Illegal possession of weapons. Non-ponies are not permitted weapons within the city.”

“Now hold on-”

“Three: Resisting arrest.”

“What!” we both shouted in unison.

“All we did was ask why we were being arrested!” Ren yelled at him.

“I found your stance threatening,” he said, smirking. “Now if you’ll both follow me, we’ll confiscate your weapons and the two of you will be jailed.” There were some cheers from the crowd at this.

“You and what army,” I asked him, seriously considering the ramifications of decking an officer of the law. The smirk turning into a smile, he stomped once with his front right hoof. Twenty more guards of all three types stepped out of the crowd and surrounded us.

“The Royal Equestrian Army.”

“Oh…Fuck, that’s a good army.”

Short chapter because I just got back from vacation and I want to keep updating on a weeklyish schedule.

Skeir: The Game Begins

He went for the boy first, his aim a single strike through the chest. Quick and clean. He’d hardly feel a thing.

Unfortunately the young man was faster than he looked, escaping with just a small gash on his left side. In a moment he had his dagger out and had turned it on Kylar. The worn iron looked pitiful against his sabre. He genuinely felt for the child. It took courage to go as far as he already did. Still, orders were orders. He didn’t have to like them, but his life was worth more than his preferences.

He thrust forward again, not wanting to draw this out any further. It had been taxing enough to track the both of them and he’d hardly brought the food for such a trip. Not to mention the state his sister would be in when he returned. Body or no body.

Once more the boy proved more skilled than Kylar had given him credit. He managed to completely avoid the blade. Even set himself up for a retaliatory slash at his arm.

Skilled, but inexperienced. A waste of talent in his opinion.

It was a simple matter to bring his sword back to block the dagger. Even simpler to shove it out of the way, throwing the child off balance and wide open. Kylar brought his saber back.

A quick stab and it was all over.

Or it would have been if something hadn’t jumped on his back.

He stumbled forward, his blade hitting rock and ripping itself from his hands. Before he could react further, a mouthful of needle like teeth clamped down on his neck. He cried out in pain and reached up to grasp his assailant. He yanked it off of him and prayed to whatever gods that were listening that an artery hadn’t been cut.

He looked at the thing in his hands and was shocked to see the little girl he’d been sent to kill hissing at him with blood on her teeth.

“Huh…I had expected you to just sit there paralyzed with fear, but it seems you have a bit more fire than I thought.” She made to bite his wrists. He scowled and moved one hand to her throat. “Just hold still! This is hard enough as it is!”

“LET GO OF HER YOU BASTARD!”

The boy rammed into his side, causing him to release the girl. He landed painfully on his back, sliding a foot or two until he hit a rock. He was immediately punched in the face repeatedly.

Kylar was definitely not at his best today.

“I WILL NOT BE BEATEN BY CHILDREN!” Snarling in rage, he let loose with a punch of his own. It caught the young man right in the jaw, sending him backwards. Kylar left to his feet and with a roar he began to shift.

It was a simple transformation, meant more for intimidation than any increase in combat ability. Still, it was quite a sight to see his teeth and claws grow while his fur stood on end. Mass was reassigned to his upper body, causing his shoulders to become hunched. He glared at his targets, letting loose a growl that would be more appropriate on a wolf than a rat.

The horned girl squeaked and backed behind her brother, staring at him with wide eyes. For his part, the boy showed his fear, but didn’t act upon it, choosing instead to pull his dagger from the dust.

“That weapon won’t save you. We all know how this will end.” Speech was more difficult as he was and the worlds came out slurred with the barest hint of a snarl behind each syllable. Still, the message was conveyed as he stepped forward. “Just lie down and neither or you will feel a thing. I can promise you that much at least.”

“GO TO HELL!” The dagger was held point first towards Kylar. He could see it shaking subtly.

“Ha!” It might not have been appropriate given the circumstances, but he couldn’t resist a small smirk. Though he supposed it would be more of a grimace with these teeth. “That is not a difficult task. Travel in any direction you like and you might as well call it hell.”

“…What do you mean?” The shaking stopped. Curious.

“Do you honestly think I choose to be out in this wilderness murdering children?” He wouldn’t come out here for any reason whatsoever, though that was hardly the point. “I don’t have any more options in all this than you do.”

“Then you at least have two.”

Kylar stopped dead in his tracks.

“Go on…”

“Way I see it, me and Skeir here, we’ve got two options.” He took a step back and pushed Skeir behind him. Neither of them so much as blinked. “We can either stay where we are and wait to die or we can try to run.” He glanced down at her. “She’s a little young for all this so I guess I’ve got to decide for her…and I think running’s the best option.”

“Very astute, but what’s it have to do with me?”

“Well, you’re in the same boat aren’t you?” The dagger was lowered just a touch. “You’re dressed like a noble. Third child? First sibling’s in the Clergy, second’s heading the family?”

“You’re a very smart kid.” Annoyance crept into his voice. Being reminded of his position wasn’t something he particularly enjoyed.

“I know I am. And I see you have two options same as us.” Was that a smirk on his lips? Kylar was becoming more and more wary of this boy. And the girl looked ready to finish tearing his throat out. More than meets the eye those two…

“Well, let’s hear them then.” He sighed. Someone half his age was in the process of outwitting him. Not a good feeling. “Neither of us has all day.”

“Well you can either lie down and die, by which I mean kill us so you stay useful for just a bit longer until they eventually send you to a nothing position in the middle of nowhere or marry you off to pay a debt or secure an alliance, or…”

“Or?”

“You can run with us.”

For just a moment, both Kylar and Skeir had the exact same expression on their faces.

“Are you serious?”

“Raden…” Skeir tugged on her brother’s arm. She looked frightened, though he couldn’t decide if the blood in her mouth added to the effect or made it something else. “He’s bad! Mom said the people who came from the city were bad!”

“I know that.” Raden glared at Kylar. There was malice there and he expected it. For all the boy knew he was looking at the man who killed his parents. But there was something else there…some grim promise that neither his nor his sister’s death would come easily.

The little horned girl copied his glare and snarled. A six year old who looked ready to kill.

Somewhere, down in the parts of his mind he denied existed, Kylar felt fear of these children.

“So you would run with a bad man then?”

“Not if I can help it, but you would be the lesser of two evils here.” He took a deep breath and the glare vanished. It might have been a sort of peace offering. Not much, but it was probably the best he would give. “Neither of us has ever been out here before and we can’t exactly fight off the creatures that lurk in the wilds.” He raised an eyebrow. “I assume you know the basics of using that sword.”

“Of course.” He glanced at the blade. It wouldn’t take long to reach it. Maybe three seconds. “I was trained by a Spector.”

“And yet you were floored by a teenager.”

“…And old, possibly demented Spector.” He ground his teeth slightly at how pathetic it all sounded. “Besides, you had backup.”

“Yeah, a six year old.” That six year old snickered at him. He’d worry about bringing shame to his family if they gave a damn what happened to him.

“It was still two against one so can we please move on?!” He should have just ended those two then and there. But the boy had a point. Several points. Good ones. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about running before… “You want me to abandon my city and my superiors to guide you and your sister through the wilderness. Correct?”

“Yes.”

It was suicide. They had never been outside ‘safe’ lands before and he had journeyed only once. They had no adequate supplies, no gear for travel, no idea of the lands beyond, and it was impossible to forget the blood hungry zealot and her minions that would be chasing them all the while.

If he was lucky she hadn’t left yet.

If she was smarter than he gave her credit for she had.

He would put their odds of making it through this alive at one percent. The whole thing could be written off as a form of suicide! Pragmatism screamed that he should kill them, return to Cali with their heads, and then plan his own escape at a later date. When he would actually have supplies and a plan. That was the smart thing to do. It was the safe thing to do! It was what anyone else in his position would do…

“…I only have one question.”

“Yes?” Raden’s eyes shifted to the sword. They both knew the chances of him reaching it first were zero. The lives of him and his sister were dependent on Kylar’s choice.

“…Where exactly am I guiding you to?”

No one could say they didn’t have SOME luck.

“Well…I had one idea…” He had expected the boy to relax once it was clear that he wasn’t going to die just yet. He hadn’t. This could easily be taken as a bad sign.

The theory was proven when Raden slowly moved his arm and pointed upwards.

It could get incredibly quiet beneath the earth at times. There were moments where nothing moved and you could hear the drip of water from miles away.

This was one of those times.

“…Right…well we better get a move on then.” The children looked at him. Raden had some amount of relief on his face while Skeir retained the visage of a wild animal ready to kill. “I know of a few ways to get there, but none of them are close and my sister is sworn to follow us to the ends of the earth.”

“How long until she comes for us?” Their things were already being gathered. Raden picked up his satchel from the rock while Kylar retrieved and sheathed his sword.

“Not long. She has never been known for her patience.” He turned towards the path. There were a few routes they could take that continued in this direction. A couple of them even had a chance of survival. Assuming nothing caught them…

It was a game of hide and seek with all the world being the seeker.

For reasons even he didn’t know, Kylar smiled.

“That’s it, we’re drilling.”

She had given her brother another day to return, but she was out of patience and out of practice. That damn Spector had bested her seventeen times at Scrap…and that was after the Bearer had won twenty. She would admit that they had her respect for actually playing instead of just sitting there idly pushing stones, but enough was enough!

“Bearer!” The robed woman looked up from her meditation, appearing only slightly annoyed. “Start widening the hole. We need it big enough to fit a Harbinger through and we need it fast.” With a grunt and a nod she was up and moving towards the cave. “You!” Cali pointed at one a nearby soldier, she really should learn their ranks at some point, who immediately stood at attention. “Go round up your troop. We’ll be leaving as soon as possible and I don’t want to waste time while you get organized.” He saluted and hurried off without a word. If only that witch had as much respect. “And Spector.” Though if anyone needed to be taught how to address a superior, it was the napping woman who merely raised an arm to show she was listening. “Find the corpse. I don’t care if you have to drag him back here by his tongue…”

“I’m happy to report that it won’t be necessary.” That voice…

All eyes turned to the newcomer. It was easy as he made a point of being hard to miss. He stood at just a hair under six feet, dressed in full plate as dark as the cave around them. Minus a helmet. It matched his coal colored fur perfectly. It threw the gold chain around his neck into immediate focus and Cali was sure he specifically enjoyed that aspect of the armor more than any other. Not that she would say so to his face. The deep gray bastard sword on his back made sure of that.

“I suppose you found my missing scourge then?” She considered it a grand feat of political maneuvering that she was able to keep most of the displeasure out of her voice. Most of it…

“Indeed I have.” He whistled and the Rotter crept into the alcove. He looked frightened and sheepish, as he should be. If she weren’t so repulsed at the thought of touching him, she’d… “Lucky that I was wandering by or he might have filled an entire tunnel with a flesh eating spore.”

“And why were you ‘wandering by’ Quel?” She would deal with her Plague Priest having access to flesh eating anything later.

“Oh believe me, I’d love nothing more than to avoid this little backwater, but I’m afraid I’ve been assigned to track down a little nuisance.” He took a few steps forward, a smug grin plastered all over his face. “By the way, you are no longer in command of the hunt.”

“What!” It took every ounce of restraint to keep her hands away from her staff. “You can’t possibly be telling me that they put you in charge!”

“You’re right, I’m not.”

…That…that calmed her anger somewhat.

“You’re not?”

“No. As much as I would just love to give you orders,” the smile he gave her was worthy of a thousand different tortures, “I was only sent here because our new leader wanted the Templars represented in equal part to the Priestesses.”

“Our new leader?” A Templar and a Priestess, both of the second rank, in the same party…to call it unusual would make calling it an understatement an understatement in itself. It couldn’t be one of her superiors, nor could it be one of Quel’s. They’d never agree to a joint operation, glory hounds that they were. But there was no one outside their sects who was of a high enough rank for this. “May I ask who the good master is?

“Hmm…just a second.” He leaned, almost lazily, to his side so he could look past her. “Do you want me to introduce you? Shout titles and the like?”

“No, I’m not really one for formalities.” Again all eyes turned to a voice. Cali’s widened in surprise. There he was, leaning beside the mouth of the cave. Even the Bearer looked startled and she was standing right next to him. “Besides, the least I could do is offer my own name.”

The first thing one would note about him was his size. He was broad shouldered and lean, but not thin enough to be called wiry. Even while slouched he reached half a foot above Quel, and she could tell that from a glance. Unlike Quel and herself, he wore no chain, nor the uniform of either station. Instead he had donned a simple breast plate, dark as the Templar’s. Armor of black leather covered his arms, but left both hands untouched, their pale brown standing out against the few bits of fur, same color as her own, showing on his wrists. A plain robe under the chest piece was colored to go with the motif and stretched almost to his ankles. What could be seen of his legs showed leggings similar to what was covering his arms, implying that he was wearing a full set.

She noted all of this is passing, for she barely wasted a second on his body. It was his head that interested her. The parts she could see anyway, since most of his face was covered by a helmet to go with the breastplate. It left the lower half of his jaw and the eyes visible. The latter were blood red and appeared to glow slightly from behind the dark metal. He seemed to be looking at nothing, yet directly at her simultaneously. It made her wonder if she should be insulted.

And of course there was the matter of the long, black, sloped horns that stretched back from the top of his head.

“Pleased to meet you. You may call me Isaac, but we both know you’ll be referring to me as Master for the foreseeable future.” He stepped forward with an easy stride. All eyes were following him. Including the soldiers who had just finished assembling. The Harbinger let out a low growl, but he didn’t seem to notice.

He did notice the Spector who was currently having a slight meltdown over her perimeter being breached without her knowledge. They could be so prideful about some things.

“What…but…no…you couldn’t have…how did you…” Isaac’s hand on her shoulder cut her off.

“Please calm down my dear. Confusion doesn’t really suit you.” With his piece said, he continued with his advance until he stood not five feet from the Priestess. “Now then, I am going to assume you are Cali. I understand your brother was also assigned to this mission?”

“Yes...he has certain skills that allowed him to use the escape tunnel that we found in the cave. I sent him ahead.” There was no point in refusing. Not to a horned one.

“Good, we have a scout then. He might already be coming back with the bodies. Then we could be on our way back to your temple for wine and sweets.” He sighed. “That would be so disappointing.”

She did not miss how he said ‘your’ temple. He was definitely not of her sect, he couldn’t be. But neither was he a Templar. Though that was to be expected. His kind were always special cases.

“Right, this escape tunnel. What are we doing about it?” He looked back at the Bearer. She seemed to stand a little straighter when his gaze was on her. “You’re one of those sorcerers that do all that strange magic right?”

“I am…”

“Can you clear the path?”

“I can…”

His head flipped back to Cali.

“Have you ordered her to clear the path?”

“Yes, just now.”

“You should have ordered it five days ago. Now we’ll be behind.” He turned back to the Bearer. “Get on it and inform me the second it is finished.” She did a short bow and rushed inside. “Well nothing to do, but wait until she finishes so I guess we all have some time off. Just stay in this alcove until then. I want all of us ready to move at a moment’s notice.”

“As you wish Master,” both Cali and Quell rattled off automatically. She did not agree with her command being removed. In fact it was enough to cause a desire to tear her own fur out in frustration. But the protocol was clear. The only ones who could even think of commanding a horned one were the High Priestess and the Grand Templar. And that was only if it felt like being commanded.

As long as they weren’t the spawn of outcasts of course.

“Would you care to explain the rules of this game?” Isaac had approached the Spector again. She still looked a bit uneasy. “I heard it mentioned several times in the city and I’m curious. It must be popular for a reason right?”

“…As you wish.” The two of them approached the scrap board as the rest of the group took his orders to heart.

Except for Cali and Quell of course.

“An interesting man, don’t you agree?” the Templar asked. She didn’t have to look to know there was a smirk on his face.

“Where did he come from?” Her fists clenched, half in anger, half to deal with the shock of what just happened. “An adult horned one with a dark coat in the city? The news should have been everywhere within minutes.”

“I can’t really say. But I believe our superiors have been keeping secrets from us.” Quel leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Now why would they hide such a gift to our city?”

“A gift?” she spat. While smacking his mouth and stepping away of course. “I’ll decide whether he deserves such praise after I’ve seen him perform.”

“Ah yes, the mantra of women everywhere.” He ducked her next swipe and began walking away, headed for the cluster of idling soldiers. “Either way, I’m sure the next few weeks will be interesting.”

She watched him leave with a glare so caustic that it could strip the flesh from a man’s bones in mere seconds.

Even though she couldn’t help but agree…