muffins

by derpy416

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Tragedy, Dark
Length: 3922

You'll laugh, You'll cry! You'll stick a cupcake in your eye! Follow Derpy, Raindrops, Lyra, and Bon-Bon on a mystery about where on earth i

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-11-15 20:00:53 UTC

muffins

It was a nice warm day—Derpy was on her route delivering the mail.  She had a package of an unlabeled substance addressed to be delivered to sugarcube corner.  As she was leaving, she was greeted by a little filly named Twist "Hello Mrs. Mailpony! Guess what?  Pinkie Pie invited my family over for a new kind of snack!"

Derpy smiled at the little filly "Aww, dat's nice of her, isn't it."  and continued on her route as the family of ponies went inside.

A month had passed since then. Derpy had just finished squeezing another letter into a very stuffed mailbox. And Raindrops had been sent to accompany her in preparation to cover Derpy's route for her family vacation next week.

"Why haven't these ponies opened their mail in so long?" asked Raindrops.

"I don't know. Dinky's been asking me if she could come here for a sleepover, but nopony's ever home."

Raindrops was concerned that something happened, and that Derpy didn't realize. But without saying anything about it, they went on to the next house.

When they arrived at sugarcube corner, there was another package of an unlabeled substance addressed to Pinkie Pie. And because of new policy, they had to get a signature for it.  Derpy knocked on the door calling out "It's der Pony Packages Express!" and the top half of the door opened slowly. Inside, the room was dark, there were 3 half-eaten cupcakes on the floor, and Mr. and Mrs. Cake were passed out. "Awww, they're sleeping, we'll try to deliver this one later." she whispered as she signaled to Raindrops to move the delivery truck on toward the next house.

While Derpy pulled the door shut, Raindrops had seen the Cakes lying there, sending a shiver down her spine. As they flew over the block to the next house, Derpy was too pre-occupied to hear her co-worker. "Derpy, c-mon, we gotta go back, I think something's wrong. Derpy! Derpy! Come-on!!!".

This time, the package was a chair to be delivered to Lyra, who was sitting on her porch swing with Bon-Bon, who overheard what Raindrops was trying to say. Bon-Bon gave Lyra a nudge, who was signing for her new chair using her magic.

"Wait, WHAT?" asked Lyra, after only hearing part of Raindrops' story.

"Mrs. and Mr. Cake are passed out!" Raindrops repeated.

The three ponies raced back to the corner shop with Derpy following closely behind.

When they arrived at sugarcube corner, they found absolutely nothing—it had been cleaned up.  The four ponies entered the dark room, wondering where everypony had disappeared to.  Derpy and Bon-Bon looked around in the kitchen, while Lyra and Raindrops went upstairs.  Raindrops entered the Cakes' bedroom, where she found that they had been moved to their bed, while Lyra checked out Pinkie's room.

Pinkie Pie's bedroom was completely Pinkie-less. Only Gummy sat on the bed watching the teal pony blankly. The nightstand light was on, and the drawer was opened a tiny bit on one side. Lyra opened it up to find a book labeled 'Pony numbers'. She opened it up to find a long listing of everypony that ever lived in ponyvile, along with anypony that made regular visits.  There were some names that were crossed out. She flipped through the book to try to find her own name, but overshot it and got to the R's. She panicked and ran downstairs with the book.

In the kitchen, Bon-Bon was looking in all the cabinets trying to find something of interest.

Derpy didn't understand a bit what was going on. "Why are you looking at 'dair stuff?" she asked.

Bon-Bon just looked back and replied "We need to see if there's anything odd in here that can explain where everpony went."

"Ohhhh" Derpy started to look wherever she could think of. She opened the storage closet where she found an old bingo cage from before Pinkie Pie started working at the bakery. Nopony ever showed up for bingo anymore, as Pinkie's parties were so much fun, they eventually just canceled bingo night after nopony ever showed up anymore.

Derpy got excited "BINGO!"

"What? You found something?" asked Bon-Bon.

"I found bingo!" Derpy was excited to find one of her favorite games.

Suddenly, Lyra came racing down the stairs. "I FOUND A STRANGE BOOK IN PINKIE'S ROOM!" she exclaimed as she crashed into the bingo cage, scattering the balls all over the floor. Raindrops heard the noise and came downstairs.

"Look at all these names in here" said Lyra. "And then these ones that are crossed out." Everypony nodded. "Do you remember these ponies names? They're all gone! Nopony ever noticed it either!"

Derpy disapproved. "Nuh-uh" she said, as she pointed to Rainbow Dash's name, which had been crossed out. "I just seen Miss Dash this morning while I was delivering her mail."

Chills ran down everypony's spine, even Derpy's, who was first to panic and race to the door. The other's began to follow, but Raindrops stopped them. "We're going to check on Rainbow Dash, you two can't fly, so wait here and look for more clues."

The room was quiet, it was a very unwelcoming quiet. Lyra's heart was beating heavily, Bon-Bon was staring at the floor, covered with blank bingo balls. She whispered to Lyra "Why are these all blank?" but before Lyra could respond, there was a long, terrifying scream and the two ponies bolted out of the store, kicking some of the balls out with them.

At Rainbow Dash's house, Derpy was searching high and low for Rainbow Dash while Raindrops took a look around the immediate area calling "RAAAINBOW!, RAAIIINBOW!"  She was nowhere to be found. Derpy remembered that Rainbow Dash seemed to like to hang out around the apple family's orchard, and decided to go look without telling Raindrops.

Derpy began searching through apple trees. "Miss Dash? Miiss Daash?"  The grey pony kept calling out. She couldn't find Rainbow anywhere. As she searched she came across a treehouse—the Cutie Mark Crusaders were having a meeting. Derpy could see a blue pony with a rainbow tail in the window! "Hooray!" Derpy cried out happily, "I found Rainbow Dash!". Derpy flew quickly through the front door "I'm so glad yur okay, Miss Dash! We thought Pinkie Pie ponynapp-ed you! How did you get so little though?" Derpy exclaimed as she hugged a very confused Scootaloo.

The three fillys were trying to find out if their special talent was Cos-playing, and Scootaloo wanted to dress like her role model.

Apple Bloom got excited, "Wow, we really did a good job! Did my cutie mark appear yet?". She was painted to look like Twilight Sparkle, except they didn't have any purple paint, and they used blue and red, but it came out all blochy.

Sweetie Belle, covered in pink paint, checked her friend by rubbing off the fake cutie marks to see if real ones showed up. "Nope."

Derpy took a step back, covering her mouth with her hoof—she had just accidently told Dash's biggest fan that something was wrong.

"What do you mean p-ponynapped?" Scootaloo asked Derpy while not even looking to see if she got her mark.

Derpy seen all the pictures and posters of Dash on the wall of Scootaloo's part of the clubhouse. She stuttered "Duh-derpy meant to say that we were uhh..." Scootaloo's eyes were getting watery, removing some of the blue body paint from her face.

Raindrops had just caught up to Derpy, she was lucky enough to have seen what way she flew away from Rainbow's house. When she got into the treehouse, Derpy was still trying to come up with something to tell the little fillys, but in time to know what was wrong. "Oh hi girls! We were just playing capture the pony. It's like capture the flag combined with hide and seek. Pinkie Pie's just winning, that's all."

Scootaloo cheered up right away from Raindrop's claim. Apple Bloom had a bright look in her eyes, and the CMC was off to see if their special talent was playing capture the pony.

Back in town, Lyra and Bon-Bon had adbandoned looking for anything wrong in the bakery, and were waiting outside for the mail-ponies. "I hope they get back soon!" Bon-Bon stated "I can't stand just waiting here!".

Lyra looked down at one of the blank bingo balls, where they sat, there was white powder on the ground, and some more on her and Bon-Bon's hooves. "Look at that" Lyra said "these aren't actually blank" She picked one up in her front hoof and rubbed it on herself to get what seemed like flower off of it.

Bon-Bon read the ball "P-18".

They dusted off a few more, reading them out loud to each other. "E-05"

"F-7"

"U-92"

"What kind of bingo cards have ANY of these letters?"-Bon-Bon asked out loud to herself.

Lyra thought about the notebook she had found. "I think they refer to that book!" she yelled. "Where did it go?"

"I think we left it inside." Bon-Bon answered.

The two returned into the bakery to find the book. It was difficult to see where it was, as the lights were still out, and their eyes hadn't re-adjusted to the darkness yet.  As they stumbled around the kitchen, the lights suddenly flicked on a few times, then back off.  At the same time, they heard more screaming, and froze in fear, holding on to each other tightly. "Come on, we g-gotta get the b-book" Bon-Bon said in a spooked voice. The lights came back on long enough for them to grab the book, and shut off as they turned for the door.

When they got outside, they crashed into Spike, who was carrying a large stack of books that Rarity had asked him for. "Ow. You ponies gotta watch where you're going." he said, rubbing his back.

"Oh, sorry Spike." Bon-Bon said as Lyra quickly re-stacked the books.

"What's going on anyways? It looks like you were running out of Pinkie's place as if she was a dangerous killer..." he asked the two ponies.

"Oh, nothing. Nothing." they said simultaneously.

"You'd better get going, you don't want to fall behind on your work, Spike." Lyra said.

After Spike walked off, Derpy and Raindrops arrived. "We couldn't find her anywhere." Raindrops said with a sigh.

"Well, we found numbers on the balls that match up with names in this book." Lyra reported.

Bon-Bon picked up one of the balls that still had flower on it and brushed it off in front of Derpy. "Dat's not a number, silly. Dat says Vanilla." Derpy said, grabbing the ball and knocking off some more flower.

The other side of the ball had the number that was expected to have been found. Lyra walked over to where they dropped the book. "These numbers are the same ones that show up next to the names in the book-And I remember that it says something about where Pinkie takes everypony." She opened the book with Derpy and Raindrops looking over her shoulders. Her stomach turned. This wasn't the book. This was a book of dress templates.

"FIND THAT DRAGON! QUICK!" Bon-Bon screamed. And the four ponies raced off towards the Carousel Boutique to try to stop him and get the right book back. When they arrived, Spike had already delivered the books.

"Spike! Do you still have those books? There was a mix up!" Lyra asked him in a controlled panic.

Spike was in a trance floating back toward the library with a kiss mark on his forehead. Raindrops looked through the boutique window. She could see Pinkie's book, it was sitting on top of the stack, and Rarity was about to open it.  Thankfully, Derpy, who got a little behind, was flying full speed, and crashed part-way through the front door, causing Rarity to stop what she was doing to go investigate. Raindrops took this chance to fly in through the window, make the switch and get out.

"DERPY!" Rarity exclaimed. "Why are you in such a hurry? ...What's the matter?"

"Derpy was just trying to keep up with everypony, lost her balance... bye now!" she responded as she pulled her head out of the door before regrouping with the other ponies who were looking at the book.

They had recovered the information they were looking for—Pinkie had made notes on how she wanted to decorate her basement.

Bon-Bon began to read the listing out loud—" 1. Pin cutie marks on the wall as Pennants   2. Make more intestine streamers.   3. Cu-"

Lyra cut her off "Please stop reading it. It- it's just wrong."

Bon-Bon nodded and skipped down to the last one, which was underlined three times: "27. Put a lock on the laundry chute in my room so nopony can get to the basement."

Raindrops gasped "It looks like we got her!"

The ponies raced back to sugarcube corner. The lights were back on, Mr. and Mrs. Cake were awake, the floors were clean, as if nothing ever happened. When they walked in, they were immediately greeted by Pinkie Pie "Hi everypony! It's so nice to see you! Want some cupcakes? They're fresh!"

The ponies all replied in uneasy tones "uhh.. no."

"no thanks"

"no way"

"got any muffins?"

Mrs. Cake heard Derpy's voice and thought she was only here to pick up her order from the previous day. "Oh, why hello Derpy, you must be here to pick up your muffins."

Derpy got a smile on her face and followed Mrs. Cake into the kitchen exclaiming "Muuufins".

Lyra proceeded to question Mr. Cake "This might be kind of an odd question, but... Have you been experiencing any blackouts recently?"

Pinkie Pie stared at the three ponies with a suspicious look, as she hid her back right hoof behind the other, as it still had a bit of blood on it that wouldn't come off.

Mr. Cake thought the question over for a moment. "You know, I have been waking up twice about once a month with people coming in earlier the rest of the day before their stuff is supposed to be ready."

Bon-Bon informed the baker "Mr. Cake, we believe Pinkie's been drugging you to keep you from knowing a very disturbing secret."

Raindrops looked closely at Pinkie Pie. "Mind if we search your room?"

"Go right ahead!" Pinkie said as Lyra, Raindrops, Bon-Bon, and eventually Mr. Cake headed up the stairs.

Pinkie Pie stood near the door as the other ponies investigated her room. Once they opened the laundry chute, Pinkie Pie's hair deflated instantly and her famous smile was wiped clean off her face. "I'm afraid you must already know everything." Pinkie said as she closed the door with both front hooves while standing on her hind legs. "It's a shame I have to kill you—and bake you." she continued-twitching each time she said kill or bake.

"That's not going to happen, Pinkie." Lyra said in a very confident voice.

"Y-you've be-been cooking p-ponies?!" Mr. Cake stuttered before passing out on the ground.

"WHERE IS RAINBOW DASH?" Raindrops shouted at the deranged pink pony.

"Oh, Dashie's downstairs.  She was waiting for somepony to come save her the whole time." Pinkie said as she put razor-sharp yet novelty looking dentures into Gummy's mouth. Pinkie then picked up two knives, one in each hoof, from under her mattress. "You three are all going to be my good little ponies and get in the laundry chute."

Just then Derpy busted down the bedroom door singing "Da-da-da-da-DERP-IE" to the tune of Batman as she threw a severely burnt muffin right at Pinkie Pie, causing her to lose her balance and tumble into the laundry chute, but not without pulling Lyra in with her.

"LYRA!! NOO!" Bon-Bon screamed as she tried to pull her best friend back up.

However, Pinkie Pie-being Pinkie-began to tickle Lyra in order to make her drop. They both fell to the basement. Derpie tried to fly down, but tripped in mid-air and fell instead.

At the bottom, the three ponies fell and landed on cutie-marked pillows filled with pegasus feathers.

Pinkie was quick to divide from the pile of ponies and pull a lever—sealing off the chute from the ponies upstairs—as she hid in her evil lair.

Derpy and Lyra looked around the room. There were body parts everywhere used as party decorations and no exits-as they were all bricked off to prevent any discovery.  The two ponies lifted themselves off their feet and tried to see where Pinkie went but it was dark as hell.

Lyra tried to use a flashlight spell she knew, but instead, she just heard laughter—Pinkie Pie had stolen her horn!!!  "Sorry, but I can't have you using any magic. You'd just make your way out with it, and then how would we have any fun?" Pinkie flipped a breaker, and a spotlight turned on.

"Miss Dash! There you are!" Derpy began to walk toward the hollow stuffed remains of Rainbow Dash.

"Woah, Derpy! Stop!" Lyra proclaimed as she pulled Derpy back by her tail.

Just then the stuffed pony fell over, making a hollow wooden sound. Lyra's eyes began to water as Derpy pulled away from her to try to help the dead pony to it's feet.

"You know, I've always wanted to see how your skeleton was built, Lyra. You ALWAYS sit in a way I JUST can't figure out." Pinkie taunted from the shadows.

Derpy was still trying to figure out what was wrong with Dash—"Why are you laying down, Miss Dash?" she asked as she tried to pick the pony up, loosening the stitches that Pinkie sewed her friend back up with. Rainbow's legs gave out while Derpy tried to stand her back up, before it hit the ground however, Derpy caught the statue by it's hair pulling Rainbow's head off. The gray pony stopped a moment, focused both eyes hard onto what she was holding, and screamed, throwing the dead pegasus pony's head into the air—right at Lyra, who tried to move out of the way. However, as she turned to move, a knife whizzed straight past her face, and stuck to the wall.

Now that she had successfully seeded fear into her unfortunate new victims' hearts, Pinkie began to walk slowly out of the shadows with Lyra's horn sewn to somepony's flesh and using it as a headband.

"Who wants to play a little game of operation?" she said in a fake tomboyish accent while wobbling Dash's severed head like it was talking.

Derpy backed up to where Lyra was sitting, both were trembling.

Then, switching back to her normal attitude she continued— "Oh! Oh! I do! I'm great at surgery!"  The deranged pony spun her new headband around to reveal a doctor's reflector that was on the other side.

Pinkie held Dash's head up again, quoting her saying "Oh Pinkie Pie, you are SO random!". She made a big grin as she crept toward the two trapped ponies.

Pinkie moved in real close-with both ponies frozen in fear- she slowly circled behind them, put her face between theirs, and exclaimed: "You know, it's not the first time everypony has figured this out."

Derpy asked nervously "What are you goin to doo to us?".

"I'm gonna make you sleep..." she replied happily.

Lyra screamed at the top of her lungs as Pinkie tried to stab them both with a shot of tranquilizers, yelling "FOREVER!!!"

However, Derpy managed to get away, she almost managed to pull Lyra completely out of the way, but Pinkie had left a needle in Lyra's lower spine— paralyzing her from the waist down. Derpy flew up out of Pinkie's reach, with her legs pulled up as close to the ceiling as possible. Pinkie was trying desperately to stab Derpy with the needle as Lyra looked around for something that could be useful.

Lyra's eyes shifted around the immediate area, until stopping on the muffin that fell down the chute with them. She began to pull herself forward to get the muffin, as Pinkie Pie ran to the closet for a pogo-stick—too furious to make any clever remarks.

Derpy clung to one of the ceiling pipes out of fear in order to stay closer to the ceiling, but Pinkie was getting very close with the needle.

Then, with muffin in hand, Lyra positioned herself for a throw. Pinkie's pogo-stick lifted off the ground one last time as Lyra threw the muffin, prompting Derpy to say "Muuuufiins".

"What?" asked Pinkie, as the baked good smacked into her, knocking her forwards with the needle, landing with her hoof over her face—the tranquilizer had gone right though her eye and into her brain. She was dead.

A few days later, both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash's funerals were held.

Twilight Sparkle began reading off a kind eulogy for her two deceased friends as everypony attending the service sat and listened. "We are here today to remember the lives of two very special ponies who had always made ponyvile a very fun place to live. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie was the first pony I met here, and really helped me get to me to be more social. I never completely understood her, but she always wanted to see everypony be happy and cheerful. She truly was a good friend. Rainbow Dash was always doing her best to keep the weather teams rolling-even if you couldn't tell. She was a very brave pony, always jumping-well, flying into dangerous situations whenever anypony was in trouble. I will miss them both greatly."

After the eulogy, everypony paid their respects. And because Rarity couldn't even begin to think of allowing Rainbow to be in a closed casket, while Pinkie wasn't, she had put a tireless effort into making Dash's body to be presentable.

"I wanna thank y'all so much, Rarity" Applejack said "I don't know if I would have been able to handle this as well if it weren't for you."

Rarity patted Applejack on her back, and gave her a nudge to go view the bodies.

Once Applejack walked up to Pinkie's casket she began to pay her respects "Wow, we had a lot of fun baking, didn't we? Thanks for not trying to bake me though. I'll miss you."  When she walked up to Rainbow Dash's casket, her eyes began to water. Apple didn't say anything, but she did lean over Dash and kiss her on the forehead. She began to sob as she walked away.

Fluttershy approached Pinkie's casket now, "With you gone,  I guess I'll have to look out for everypony a little more, huh?" and then to Rainbow, "Thanks for sticking up for me all the time. You were the best friend a pony could ever have."

Rarity was next. "You always were bad at fashion, Pinkie.  I wish I could have told you that that dress you made in your basement was terrifyingly terrible.  But I guess you knew not to wear it in public, huh." She then walked over to Dash. "Thanks for always being respectful towards me. I thought I'd return the favor..." Her eyes began to water as she said with a small smirk "I made sure you were dressed up 20% cooler." She rubbed the tears from her face and moved on.

Scootaloo had snuck out of school in order to see her idol one last time. She had colored a Wonderbolts badge for Dash, and placed it with her. She began to cry, and Fluttershy came to confort her to calm her down. It was a very sad night for everypony.

-END-