To Cure Insanity Please Insert Ponies

by No One and Nobody

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Cheese Sandwich, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Batman
Length: 13024

In which Batman discovers the healing properties of ponies.

Batman has a lot of problems, dead parents, late nights. But his biggest problem has to be the amount of nutcases he's locked up.
Then one day he receives a mysterious box in the mail containing a powerful weapon against the forces of evil.
Ponies.

Now with a sequel To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies.

This story takes place in the animated series version of Batman.
I'm planning a little bit of some scary stuff in a later chapter but nothing worth a dark/gore/teen tag. Even though this is with Batman's enemies I will keep it fun and family-friendly.
I'll take any feedback so long as it's constructive and clean. My little sister will read these comments as well.

Now with a complete Audio version online:
Chapters 1-2 right here!
Chapters 3-4 right here!
Chapters 5-6 right here!
Chapters 7-8 right here!

Published 2015-07-27 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-01 21:31:31 UTC

Chapter 1: Mail's Here

Chapter 1: Mail’s Here

It had been a long night of crime fighting for Bruce. He had scoured the city hunting in every crack and cranny for criminal scum and had stopped a couple of small time muggings and an apartment robbery.

Hanging up his cowl he headed up the secret passageway to Wayne Manor. Dick was already out cold on a couch and Alfred was busy taking away a half empty cup of cocoa.

“How did it go Master Bruce?” asked Alfred, composed as always.

“Fine,” said Bruce, grinning, “For once we had somewhat of a quiet night.”

“For you sir I find that hard to believe.”

Bruce chuckled and headed upstairs to his room, he couldn’t help but feel that for once something was going right for him.

It was morning at Wayne Manor and Alfred was pouring coffee for the two late-nighters. Bruce got there first, sat down and began going through the paper.

“I hate to interrupt sir,” said Alfred, setting Bruce’s breakfast before him, “But this package arrived early this morning.”

Bruce looked up and took the large parcel from the butler.

They both turned as Dick came walking into the room rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, “Who’s it from?”

“I’m sure I don’t know, but it is addressed to Master Bruce.”

“Why don’t you open it,” said Bruce, handing the package to Dick.

“Thanks!”

The thick brown packing paper peeled away to reveal a transparent plastic container.

“Who would send us something like this?” asked Dick, opening the case and pulling out a brightly colored plastic toy.

“Some sort of practical joker perhaps?” said Alfred, placing Dick’s plate of waffles in front of him.

“Let me see that,” said Bruce, taking the small toy from Dick.

“Well sir?”

“It would appear to be a small horse of some kind.”

“A pony, perhaps?”

“Maybe… Hey, there’s a note too,” Dick reached into the packing paper and pulled out a small envelope, “No return address or anything. It just says ‘hope it solves your problems’. What do you suppose that means?”

Dick opened the letter, took one look at the note and his eyes froze. Handing the note slowly to Bruce he said, “Here Bruce, you’d better read this.”

Taking the note from Dick Bruce read it out loud.

Dear Batman,

I hope that this gift grants you some much needed rest.

On the back of this note you will find a set of directions, follow them and I promise you things will change for the better.

Sincerely,

No One.

“And what exactly do the instructions say?” asked Alfred, pouring some more orange juice for Dick.

Bruce took a long look at the back of the note and then grabbing, the plastic container filled with ponies, he left the room headed for the Batcave.

Dick got up to leave but Alfred gripped him by his shoulder and pushed him firmly back into the chair, saying, “You’re not going anywhere until you’ve had a well balanced breakfast Master Dick.”

Dick sighed and started shoveling waffle into his mouth.

“Honestly, you are going to make yourself sick,” said Alfred, shaking his head.

Dick bolted down the secret passage to find Bruce analyzing one of the toys.

“What were the instructions?” he asked.

“See for yourself.”

Bruce handed him the letter and Dick looked it over.

“It doesn’t make any sense, ‘Pink one for Joker, Green for Ivy, Purple for Riddler’. Who would want to give them presents, and why?”

“Whoever sent these to me wants me to deliver them to Arkham, personally. That’s the reason for addressing it to Bruce and then letting me know he knows who I am. Something is up. I’ve looked over every single one of these toys. Their completely normal, no hidden wiring, no secret compartments, explosives, poisons and they are made out of a completely biodegradable non-toxic plastic. They’re not even strong enough to be made into weapons.”

“So what do you think that means?”

“There’s only one other thing I can think of.”

It was getting close to dark as Zatanna stood outside the theater waiting for a cab.

“Can we talk?”

“Do you always have to sneak up on people?” she asked as she turned to see a dark form emerge from the alley.

“This morning I received a set of these from someone named No One, any idea what they are?”

Zatanna took the small toy and looked it over, “It’s kind of cute. Planning to start a new franchise?”

Batman glared at her.

“Sheesh, it was just a joke. Lighten up a little.”

“I need you to check for any kind of hidden magic. I have a feeling that this toy is a lot more than it appears.”

“Only if you say ‘please’.”

“Please.”

“Cigam Neddih Laever,” she said, waving a hand over the toy.

Nothing happened.

“No magic here,” said Zatanna, tossing the toy back to Batman, “Why the interest?”

“Someone sent me these with a set of instructions telling me to give them to my worst enemies. It’s either a plot against them or against me. Either way I have to be careful.”

“I take it you’ve already checked them for bugs, metal files, plastic explosives, etc. Otherwise you wouldn’t have come to me. If I can’t find any magic on them, then maybe they are just some normal toys.”

As Zatanna said this a nearby clock tolled midnight. Batman’s fist clenched tight around the plastic toy and his eyes lit up.

“If they’re not magic,” said Batman, holding out an empty hand towards Zatanna, “Then where did it just go?”

“Sir,” said Alfred, placing the brown paper parcel on the kitchen table, “I know this is getting repetitive but, you have received a package… Again.”

“That’s the third time this week,” said Dick, “Are you positive that Dr. Fate couldn’t find anything unusual about those things?”

“He said that he could sense something in my fate but no magic anywhere near these toys.”

“Shall I retrieve the camera, sir?”

“Yes Alfred.”

Alfred stepped out the door and, reaching up, he pulled a Batarang from a dark corner just above the front door.

“Here you are sir.”

Bruce took the Batarang and pulled out a portable viewing screen. He and Dick watched the front door on the screen, carefully waiting for something to happen. Suddenly a box appeared on the welcome mat.

“Go back a few frames,” said Dick as Bruce scrolled back through the footage, “Wow, it just appears out of nowhere. One frame is empty and in the next there’s a box. Creepy.”

“Creepy indeed Master Dick.”

“And without any end in sight,” said Bruce, opening the letter again, “Interesting.”

“What is it?” asked Dick.

Dear Batman,

Stop over-thinking this whole thing and just follow the directions.

I’m trying to help you.

Put some trust in my little ponies!

Sincerely,

No One

Bruce set the note down and picked up one of the toys.

“What are you going to do?” asked Dick.

“Who do you think has the thickest skin?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I’m going to follow these directions and see what happens, I’ll need a good test subject.”

Chapter 2: The First Night

Chapter 2: The First Night

It was night and Arkham Asylum was unusually silent as the dark shadow moved through the hallways.

Several of the inmates paid no attention as the dark figure moved towards one particular cell. However a few such as Bane and Poison Ivy glared daggers as he passed by.

At last he stopped in front of one cell in particular.

“Can I help you?”

Batman turned to see Edward Nygma staring at him from his cell.

“I’m not here to see you Nygma,” said Batman, tapping the other cell door, “Croc.”

There was a muffled grunt from the other side of the door, “What do you want Bats?”

“Someone sent you a gift.”

There was silence from the other side of the door.

“No one ever sends me nuthin’. You got the wrong guy.”

“They left instruction for me to give it to you personally. Called themselves No One. Ring any bells?”

“Never heard of ‘em.”

Batman placed the plastic yellow pony on the small opening in the metal door through which he could see Killer Croc laying on his cot.

“You’re kidding. Right?”

“Someone sent it to you. If you don’t know who then I guess I’ll just have to find out,” said Batman, letting the toy sit there on the edge.

“Forget it,” said Croc, rolling over.

As Batman left he gave a quick look at Nygma as if to say, I’ve got my eye on you.

Batman had just left and Croc lay there thinking.

No one ever gets me stuff. They all just run away from me. Well good riddance. I don’t need anyone just me and a whole lotta money.

There was a click as something dropped to the floor and looking up his eyes caught the tiny toy lying there by the door. Something about it made him nervous.

“Hey,” he yelled, picking it up and walking to the door, “I told you to forget this stupid-”

“Excuse me,” said a quiet voice, “Could you please put me down?”

Croc looked down to see the toy staring up at him with a set of big aquamarine eyes.

“Aagghhh!” yelled Croc, dropping the toy, which spread its wings and landed softly on the ground.

“What’s going on here?” said Croc, backing up to the wall, “What do you want?”

The toy cocked its head adorably to one side and said gently, “To be friends?”

Croc stared at if for a second.

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t make friends. I usually just separate their arms from their bodies. BATMAN! Come get this stupid thing out of here.”

Croc tried to see out the small port in his door, but all he could see was the Riddler in the next cell. Turning around he saw the small yellow thing sitting on the ground crying.

Croc could feel something bubbling up inside of him. He didn’t know what it was and he didn’t like it. Angrily he pointed at the toy and growled, “Listen you. Shut up!”

This just made it wipe its eyes and stare mournfully up at him.

Croc had had enough. Taking two steps towards the toy he reached out and…

Froze.

It was staring at him. Those eyes commanded that he stand still. He couldn’t disobey those eyes; they were overpowering.

Croc slowly withdrew his hands, his gaze still frozen by that stare.

He lost his balance and fell over backward bumping his head against the wall.

As he lay there rubbing his head and moaning slightly he heard a voice say, “Are you o.k.?”

He opened his eyes to see the pink-haired thing standing on his chest looking hopefully at him.

“Yeah, ya, I’m… fine,” said Croc, rolling over and standing up, still rubbing his head.

He walked over to his cot and sat down. He knew when he was beaten.

“What are you anyway?” asked Croc, trying not to look directly into those eyes again.

“Oh, I’m a pegasus pony and my name’s umm… Fluttershy.”

Croc shook his head and looked carefully at the pony, positive that he had misheard her.

“What did you say?”

“I said my name is… Fluttershy,” she said again hiding behind her hair.

Croc stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around a few time before pulling it out and inspecting it. Then looking back at the pony.

“You’re not... scared of me, are you?” asked Croc, standing up slowly.

“No I’m just… Shy,” she said, looking at him with one eye.

Even one eye was enough to make Croc sit back down again on his cot. Crossing his arms and grumbling, he glowered at the pony.

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

“I don’t think so,” she said, looking carefully around the room.

“Whatever. I’m calling you Shy.”

The pony laughed softly and said, “My friend Rainbow sometimes calls me Flutters. You can call me that if you want to.”

She had come out from behind her hair now and he could still see those two eyes like twin-sheathed swords. Croc glared at the wall as he realized that that pony’s two eyes were more powerful than the Batman’s two fists.

“What are you looking at?”

“The wall. What’s it look like I’m lookin’ at?”

“Ohh… o.k.”

Croc sat there staring at the wall, growing more and more uncomfortable. Usually he didn’t mind the quiet but for some reason with this pony sitting there it seemed too quiet.

He chanced a quick glance at the pony and saw her sitting quietly there with her cheeks puffed out slightly as though she was holding her breath.

Croc sat there growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute until finally unable to take it any longer he growled, “Rainbow’s a stupid name.”

“What?”

“I said Rainbow’s a stupid name. What does she do for a living poop butterflies or something?”

Shy tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow, “No, she manages Ponyville’s weather.”

Croc grunted and said, “Ponyville, Huh? That’s where you’re from?”

“Yes, me and my friends live there. Rainbow would probably say we’re the guardians of Ponyville or something.”

She chuckled at this.

“Let me guess you protect it from rampaging bunny hordes and such.”

Shy smiled and said, “Oh that wasn’t so bad. Now the parasprites those were a problem.”

Croc gave Shy a sideways look and said, “The what’a’thingy’s?”

“Parasprites they’re little insect-like creatures which, even though they’re really cute, can be a big problem.”

“Too many heart attacks?”

“No, they’ll eat anything in sight, and once they’re full they magically divide into more of themselves. Before too long there was a huge swarm eating anything edible in their path.”

Croc turned around to face the pony and said, “Well why didn’t you just, I don’t know rainbow-flower-magic them away?”

“Twilight tried that.”

“Who?”

“Twilight, she’s Princess Celestia’s personal student. Anyway she tried to make it so that the parasprites would stop eating all the food and making more of themselves. But the spell didn’t work exactly how she wanted it to. The parasprites started eating everything but the food. They started eating anything that wasn’t nailed down, from houses to carts to signs.”

Without realizing it Croc had leaned forwards and was listening intently to what the pony was saying.

“What did you do?”

“Well that’s when Pinkie Pie… She’s the resident party planner and new-pony-welcomer. She can be a little strange at times, but she’s always looking out for everypony.”

“Everypony?”

“Yes, well that’s when she showed up with a tuba.”

“A tuba?”

“Yes, and a harmonica and drums and all sorts of instruments. Well she played some music and led those parasprites right out of Ponyville and back into the Everfree Forest.”

“The Everfree Forest?”

“Oh it’s a very scary place filled with all sorts of terrifying monsters like timberwolves-”

“Huh, they’re not that scary.”

“Yes they are. Especially when they’re huge, smelly and reform when you knock them to pieces.”

“Pieces?”

“They’re made out of wood.”

Croc gave her a blank stare, “Wooden wolves… What’s next evil chickens?”

“Nope, just cockatrices and dragons.”

Croc stared at her and then opened his mouth.

“A cockatrice is a creature with the body of a chicken, the tail of a snake, and eyes which can turn you to stone. A dragon on the other hoof-”

“I know what a dragon is. You didn’t meet all these creatures, did you?”

“Only once or twice. The cockatrice was an accident but me and my friends had to stop the dragon from completely smothering Ponyville in smoke.”

“Which one of your friends took on the dragon?”

“Oh, um that was… Me.”

“You?!”

“Yes, I looked him right in the eye and told him to stop being a such a big bully.”

“And the cocka-thingy?”

“I looked him straight in the eye too and told him to turn my friend back to normal or I’d tell his mother on him.”

Croc didn’t know what to say to that. On one hand he didn’t have a mother, on the other if this pony could look a cocka-thingy in the eye without being turned to stone maybe he should play it on the safe side.

He sat there thinking as the pony stared politely at him. He really should stop talking to this dumb pony and go to sleep but for some reason his mouth wasn’t listening to his head.

“How big was this dragon?”

“Bigger than a house, with razor-sharp spines, and a long tail with spikes in it, and a massive head with huge fangs, fiery breath and giant, golden slitted eyes…”

Croc sat there his hands on his knees looking at the pony and listening to her telling her story.

This was going to be a long night.

Chapter 4: Crazy Meet Crazy

Chapter 4: Crazy Meet Crazy

Joker had been listening carefully for the past few hours. He had heard the rest of the prisoners in Arkham complaining as Batman distributed his little gifts.

However unlike the rest of the prisoners or even Batman himself he could hear everything that was being said. He listened intently as Croc caved, Riddler retracted, and Bane bombed to the strange whisperings of their gifts.

When Batman got to his cell he was sitting there cross-legged on his cot grinning wickedly.

Batman tossed a pink toy into his cell and left.

Joker just sat there staring at it, his smile widening, waiting for the fun to start.

And waiting.

And waiting…

Joker’s smile wilted and, getting up, he walked over and picked up the toy.

“Well?” he said, glaring at it, “Where’s the big show?”

Disappointed, he tossed the toy out of his cell and lay down in his bed, glowering.

“How come they get to have all the fun?” muttered Joker, closing his eyes.

He was awoken by the sound of someone giggling. Looking down he saw the pink toy standing on his chest, it’s hair lay flat, in its hoof it grasped a sharp steel knife, and her smile was barely visible behind those crazed eyes.

Joker jolted awake and fell out of bed, landing on the floor. Standing he looked at his bed and found the pink toy lying there back to its bright and happy self, no knife, just a huge smile which now seemed a whole lot creepier.

Joker chuckled a little without taking his eyes off the toy and picking it up said, “So that’s how you want to play it?”

Without warning he bit the head off the toy and spat it out of his cell. Taking the rest of the toy he jammed it into his shoe and started doing jumping jacks.

“Now who’s laughing?” he chortled. Then his face froze.

Grimacing, he shivered and then laughed aloud.

Yanking off his shoe he yelled into it, “Tickling’s against the rules.”

His shoe was empty.

Backing slowly towards the door, Joker’s eyes darted around the room looking for any shade of pink.

Back against the door he froze as he spotted the pink toy standing in the middle of his room, head reattached.

“Don’t blink,” said the toy without moving its lips.

He didn’t. Or at least he tried.

After a minute or two he couldn’t help it. He blinked.

When he opened his eyes the toy was gone. In its place was a cupcake.

“Happy birthday to you…” came a quiet voice from nowhere, “Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to… JOKER!”

A giant set of blue eyes popped up right in front of him and his head automatically jerked backwards slamming into the door. Pain throbbed through Joker’s skull. He shook his head, opened his eyes and…

Found he was lying in bed.

Glancing quickly at his chest he was relieved to find it bare of the pink monster. He looked around and discovered it was standing by the door staring at him with that huge smile on its face.

Getting up he moved slowly towards the toy. Stopping about a foot away he licked his lips and said, “What do you want?”

The smile vanished from the toy’s face as it started to speak.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie and you’re crazy. The rest of the people here have problems but you, you’re really crazy, and none of the sane people here can help you. You’ve got a nice big smile on the outside, but on the inside you’re all frowny. That’s why I’m here. I figure the only way to cure you is to… outcrazy you. I’m going to drive you sane. Now let’s turn that big frown upside-down.”

The pink horse swiped at the floor with one of her hooves, the entire room swung upside-down and Joker landed on the ceiling.

Reaching out the Joker grabbed her in his hand and held on as tightly as he could. There was a ‘pop’ and she jumped out of his grasp, followed by another one, and another one, and another…

As Joker held on for dear life to the pony in his right hand the room began to fill up from ceiling to floor with bouncing pink equines, all yelling “FUN!”

Joker floundered in a sea of pink that kept pinching, poking and prodding him.

“Let’s put a smile on that face,” said one of the duplicates as two more grabbed his face and stretched it into a wide smile.

Pure terror gripped the Joker as he went under and could feel his mouth and lungs filling with pink pony. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, and they just kept coming.

Joker sat bolt upright in bed and looked towards the door to see the pink pony standing there a huge smile on her face and a small, metal top spinning in front of her.

Joker gulped and sat back down on his bed trying to figure out his next move.

Rarity waited patiently in Batman’s hand for the moment when she would meet her new friend. She felt herself leave his grasp and fly through the air to land softly on a rather dirty mattress.

Getting up she looked around to find herself in a small, sparsely decorated room with a set of doves sitting on a perch.

“Hello,” she said, trying to be polite, “My name is Rarity.”

“Greetings miss Rarity,” said a squat person from a corner of the room, “What is a fair lady such as yourself doing in a place like this?”

“I’m looking to make a new friend,” said Rarity, “Who may I ask am I addressing?”

From the shadows stepped a short, wide man wearing a monocle, carrying a walking stick, and wearing prison garb.

“I am the Penguin,” he said, bowing low, “A gentleman thief par excellence, sadly captured and incarcerated here like a common criminal.”

“In my opinion,” said Rarity, tossing her hair, “A gentlecolt is somepony who give rather than takes.”

“A truly noble ideal yet sadly antiquated in Gotham-”

“Antiquated my hoof!” said Rarity, slamming her hoof down on the bed sheets; “I cannot imagine somepony of such noble bearing aspiring to such plebeian pursuits as larceny.”

Penguin swelled his chest in pride at being called noble and coughed politely.

“You truly think I possess a noble bearing?”

“That I do. Why I could see somepony of your caliber doing great things for... people. Why you could be mayor if you truly applied yourself and treated others the way you wish to be treated. I always live by the golden rule and so far I have never been lacking for anything.”

“Well then stick around mademoiselle,” said Penguin, adjusting his monocle, “I feel as though someone, pardon somepony with your qualities could greatly improve a morality such as my own.”

“It would be my pleasure,” said Rarity, smiling graciously at him.

“Stop that!” he said as the coin came down and landed on edge, again.

“I’m sorry I just find it odd that someone of such obvious intelligence would resort to such a method for determining their path through life.”

Two-Face picked up his coin from the floor and glared at the navy blue alicorn, as she called herself, sitting on his bed.

“I already told ya’, the coin makes the decisions-”

“Heads I win, tails you lose?”

“Shut up. You don’t know what it’s like being a freak… a monster.”

“On the contrary,” she said her face becoming somber, “I know all too well what it’s like. The only difference is that while I was consumed with hate, you still have half a chance to be the man you once were.”

Two-Face flipped his coin again, this time it landed flat on the ground. However the man who was once Harvey Dent didn’t even glance at it; he merely stared at the wall as his good hand clenched and unclenched.

Chapter 5: Ponitherapy

Chapter 5: Ponitherapy

Over the next week Batman visited Arkham every night to drop off the ponies.

At first most of the inmates such as Bane, Poison Ivy, and Riddler had been reluctant to take the toys. Batman had even caught Poison Ivy trying to stick potted plants through her window to try and plug it up. Bane had been much more firm though. He had placed his hands directly over the opening of his door and would not take them away. It had taken the ticklish persuasion of the pink pony, or ‘Pinkie’ as the white one called her, to let the blue one into his cell. The Riddler was much easier to handle, the purple toy just melted a hole in the Riddler’s dinner-tray, which he had been using to cover his window.

Batman hadn’t seen any of the inmates throw the toys out of their cells however. Except when Joker had hit him in the back of the head with the head of the pink pony. However Batman had never found where its head landed. He only knew it was the pink pony because it had apologized when it hit him.

Croc and a few others, such as Harley, seemed delighted with the toys however. They waited by their cell doors for Batman to come. Croc had even thanked Batman one time.

He stopped at the door to the cell block, the key in his hand.

“Is something wrong?” asked the white alicorn, riding on his shoulder.

“I don’t know,” he said, “Something about this just feels…”

“Wrong?”

“Off. I mean you’re all talking toy ponies for goodness sakes.”

“Oh come on Bru- sorry Batman,” said Celestia, remembering he liked that name when he went out for the night, “I’ve seen some of your files. You’ve dealt with much weirder things that us before.”

Batman turned his head and looked at her sternly.

“And I suppose that while you were looking over my files, without my permission, you got hungry?”

Celestia shrugged and said, “Can I help it if than nice gentleman left some cake sitting right on the console? I didn’t know it was yours.”

“Riiighhtt…” said Batman, then sighing he said, “I think the problem isn’t what you are, or even what you’re doing. The problem is why you are doing it. Why help me? Why help them? What do you get out of all this?”

“Friendship.”

“Is that your answer to everything?”

“Listen her Batsy,” said the pink one, popping up on his left shoulder, “I know you don’t want to trust us. But it’s really true. We like helping people. It’s super-funtastic. You don’t always have to punch and smash your way through life. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to be nice to them.”

Batman hadn’t talked to any of the other ponies. Even after Celestia showed up they still seemed to be completely uninterested in him.

“It’s going to take a little more than that to convince him,” said Celestia, looking at Pinkie, “He doesn’t even trust himself. He has a backup plan in case he joins the ranks of the very people he battles against.”

“Time to pull out the big guns then,” said Pinkie, narrowing her eyes, “Pinkie Pie-style!”

Batman turned to look at her and found a cupcake jammed into his mouth. Pulling half of the confection out of his mouth he chewed, swallowed and the white eyes in his cowl shot open in surprise.

Focus on the mission, focus on the mission… said Batman to himself pulling the yellow toy out of his belt and handed it to Croc whose hand was sticking out of his cell.

The hand withdrew with a quick “Thanks” and a conversation began inside the cell.

Batman deposited the blue one in Bane’s cell and Bane started to sing quietly to himself.

“LOUDER!” came another voice from the cell, and Bane upped his volume.

Getting to Two-Face’s cell Batman deposited the navy-blue toy in Harvey’s hand and said, “Get better Dent.”

“He is,” came a voice from the cell as Batman walked away.

When Batman got to Joker’s cell he pulled the pink one out and said, “How have things been going with him?”

Pinkie looked up at him and said, “He’s tough but I’ve seen better. Don’t worry Batty before too long he’ll be saner than you… Don’t forget that cupcake now.”

He looked down at the treat in his left hand and said with a smile, “Got it.”

“Why hello my little friend,” said the Joker, bending down to talk to the toy on the ground, “I’m so glad to see you. You won’t believe what happened to me just the other day. After you left I said to myself “why don’t you stop being bad and just make friends with that nice pony”.”

Pinkie just stared straight ahead, she wasn’t buying it.

“Why don’t we hang out a little,” said Joker, holding up Pinkie nose to nose, “We can leave this place and go have some fun on the town. What do you say?”

Pinkie bit him.

Joker ran around the room yelling as she hung onto his nose.

After a few seconds he managed to detach her and throw her out of his cell.

“Maybe next time,” he said, sitting down on his bed.

He jumped up and spun around as Pinkie poked him.

“I’m not done with you yet,” she said, grinning.

Joker grabbed onto the edge of his cell window and held on for dear life as the pony pulled on his legs.

“You’ll never take me alive!”

“On the contrary, that’s just how I plan to take you. You’re no fun dead.”

The Joker lost his grip and she pulled him into the center of his cell; right into the center of the insanity.

The room spun around him, a whirlwind of concrete and pink.

“Wheee!” yelled the pony as she bounced off Joker’s head.

“You think this will stop me,” yelled the Joker into the maelstrom, “I revel in crazy, I worship insanity. You are looking at the lord, grandmaster tyrant of lunacy. Look up bad in the dictionary and you’ll see my face. I could give Satan himself a wedgie. I AM EVIL…”

“I know,” said the pink pony as the landed on the ground, “That’s why I brought you here.”

Joker looked up to find himself standing in what looked like candy-land. He was surrounded by candy, sweets, kittens and everything cute and cuddly.

“I’ve got this,” said the pony as she said goodbye to someone in a red suit and gas-mask who shook hands with Pinkie and left the story.

“Where am I?” asked the Joker, looking around him.

“This old place, I guess you could call it your couch until, I’m done with you. Go have some fun.”

Joker caught sight of what looked like some Russian guy’s head attached to a flying baby. Picking up a lollipop he advanced on it and swung his weapon. The little creature turned just in time to see it descend.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,” screamed the Joker, “Who’s bad? I am.”

Looking down for whatever remained of the thing he had just attacked he found it looking up at him with a big smile on its face and the lollipop in its mouth.

“What?!” said the Joker stomping on it with his foot.

It was like stepping on a squeaky-toy. His foot just kept rebounding from the resilient creature’s face with a cute squeak every time.

“Welcome to your own personal nightmare,” said the pink pony behind him, “You can’t kill a thing; it’s all sunshine and rainbows.”

Joker ran around grabbing things and trying to smash them. But everything was as light as Styrofoam and wouldn’t break, it was like he was trapped in a world where everything was made out of rubber. He clawed as the ground scraping up candy stones and throwing them around.

Batman looked into the Joker’s cell to find him lying there drooling on the floor, terror in his glazed eyes. The pink toy on the ground next to him looked up and winked at Batman.

“He’s trapped somewhere he can’t do anyone any harm. Don’t worry Batman he’s putty in my hooves.”

“Lollipops!” screamed the Joker, his eyes darting back and forth behind his twitching eyelids, “Lollipops everywhere!”

“This is just the first step,” whispered Pinkie in his ear, “Tomorrow night I’m thinking of bringing butterflies and maybe even some singing flowers.”

Joker twitched and, opening his mouth, he let out a scream.

“NNOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Batman raised his eyebrow at Pinkie and started to wander through the halls of Arkham observing the ponies and prisoners everywhere.

As he watched he saw the blue pony toss Bane around like a rag doll a few times, the purple one leave the Riddler stuttering and stammering for a reply and he even saw the green one untangle herself from one of Ivy’s vines by doing some sort of weird chant.

Harley was singing some crazy song and Croc was talking about crocodiles. It seems that in these ponies’ world there was a creature called a cragodile which was a crocodile made of rock.

Harley was having such a great time that when the music stopped she almost tripped and fell over.

Laughing, she looked up, “Hey, what’s with the uncalled for intermission?”

“I was just wondering,” said the orange pony.

“Yah?”

“You enjoying this?”

“Of course.”

“Well than how come you don’t do it?”

“What do ya mean?”

“Well I’m singing songs, and cavorting about here to make you happy. How happy do you think it makes me feel to hear that you like it?”

“Pretty happy?”

“Yes. So why don’t you do that?”

“You should see me and Mr. J when we get out of here. We make sure that everyone’s got a smile on their face. Whether they want it or not.”

“Yes, but how can you tell if they like it then?”

Harley didn’t have an answer for that.

“How about something in gold?” asked the Penguin as Rarity measured him, “I know the perfect place to get the material. 24 karat, solid bricks.”

“Now what did I tell you,” said Rarity, checking the tape measure, “You don’t need gold. Less is more. This way people can look at you and see that you are a hardworking, upstanding, honest gentleman who doesn’t need gold. Why you’ll soon have more friends than all the gold in… Where are we again?”

“Gotham.”

“Then all the gold in Gotham.”

“Yes, but what good are friends?”

“Well you can do a lot more with friends than you can do with gold bricks. Gold never tells you how wonderful you look. Gold never talks to you about what you’ve been doing lately. Why, compared to friends, gold is about as useless as… a rock.”

“Hmmm,” said the Penguin, lifting his arm so she could measure more easily, “I never thought about it like that.”

“I see your five and raise you ten,” said Two-face tossing some more of the little cookies onto the table as he munched on another, “Really nice of your friend to loan us the food.”

“I’m glad you noticed,” said Luna, looking intently at her cards, “I’ll let her know you appreciated them. If you keep any.”

Two-face looked at his dwindling pile, and then across the table at Luna’s monstrous stack.

“Lady Luck hasn’t been smiling on me that much, apparently.”

“On the contrary, she sent you me didn’t she?”

Two-face grinned and plopped his cards down on the table, “Yeah, maybe my luck’s changing.”

“Maybe,” said Luna, putting down her cards, “Full house over flush. I win.”

Two-face groaned and passed her the cookies.

“More pie?” asked Applejack, balancing one on her head.

Scarecrow sat there, his hand resting on his distended stomach, then be burped.

“No thanks. I’m good.”

Chapter 6: A Dark Knight and a Bright Day

Chapter 6: A Dark Knight and a Bright Day

“I can’t believe it sir,” said Alfred, watching some of the footage that Bruce had brought back to the Batcave, “And here I thought these people were hardened criminals.”

“Maybe we should send a couple to old flyboy,” said Robin, nudging Bruce, “If you know what I mean?”

“Not until I’m sure they can do what they say,” said Bruce.

“Certainly sir,” said Alfred, “By the way I took the liberty of dusting off the new addition to your dashboard sir, and I left an extra piece of cake on the hood of the Batmobile just like you asked.”

“Thanks Alfred,” said Bruce, “Let’s hope that keeps her occupied long enough for me to change my password.”

Alfred took a look at the Batmobile to see a half-eaten piece of cake on the hood with the white toy standing there, frosting coating her muzzle.

“Perhaps I should get more cake,” said Alfred, leaving.

“So how are things going with the new addition to the cave?” asked Robin.

“She takes the cake… All of it. She’s overly bright and cheerful, has broken into every one of my files (somehow), and never shuts up about the ‘magic of friendship’.”

Robin heard the sound of glassware and stepped around Batman to see the toy sitting on the console. As new layer of frosting was on her muzzle and Batman’s cake was half eaten already.

“Well, I think I’ll go turn in for the night,” said Dick, taking off his costume and stretching as he starting up the passageway to Wayne Manor.

There was a flash of white light and Batman looked up, saying, “Too late. She got your cake too.”

Dick groaned and continued up the stairs.

With another flash of light Celestia returned, licking frosting off her lower lip, “Delicious. Simply delicious.”

“That’s my cake you know,” said Bruce, taking off his mask and closing the computer down.

“Well you would be a pretty lousy host if you denied one of your friends a little something to eat every now and then, wouldn’t you? After all we are friends, right?”

“I’m beginning to wonder…”

“Goodnight,” said Celestia, chuckling.

Bruce removed his costume and went upstairs.

As he lay in bed thinking about the night he wondered just how much of an impact these ponies could have on the inmates at Arkham.

He closed his eyes and rolled over.

Meanwhile at Arkham, Joker screamed as the butterflies carried him over a meadow of singing daisies.

Bruce awoke to a bright light shining in his eyes. At first he thought that Alfred must have opened the blinds but then he saw the white form atop the light.

“Come on, time to get up,” she said as the light bobbed up and down in front of him.

He grunted and rolled over. No stupid pony was going to be telling him what to do.

The covers were whisked off him and he found himself hanging by one foot, upside-down over his bed.

“Telekinesis?” he said, with his arms crossed, glaring at the upside-down pony.

“Magic,” she retorted, and dropped him back onto the bed.

“I can take care of myself, you know,” he said, coming out of the bathroom holding his toothbrush in one hand a few minutes later.

“When you’re tied up and dangling over a vat of acid, or when you’ve got twenty guns pointed at your face. But when it comes to making friends, you need serious help,” said Celestia as her horn glowed slightly.

Bruce felt his hair comb itself into shape.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now go out there and make some friends.”

Bruce left the room rolling his eyes.

As he walked into the kitchen he could hear Cello music. He looked around the corner to see Alfred cooking while a small grey pony played a cello on the counter.

As her song ended Alfred dusted some flour off his hands and clapped.

"Beautify Ms. Octavia, simply beautiful."

The pony nodded to Alfred, quietly accepting the praise, then she placed the bow on the strings once more and the kitchen was filled with the enchanting melody.

Joker awoke with his face against cold, hard stone and upon realizing he was home in Arkham he kissed the floor.

Spitting and wiping his mouth he stood up and looked around at his cell.

Who knew what that creature would do to him tonight? He had to think of something and fast! Night was becoming a nightmare at Arkham. What would be next flying cats leaving rainbow trails?

Croc opened his eyes and stretched. He had never felt this good in the morning.

“Thanks Shy,” he said, looking down at where she had been lying last night.

She was still there, fast asleep!

Croc froze in terror as he could hear the door opening down the hallway. Pretty soon the doctors would be here. He couldn’t let them take his Shy away. He looked around for a hiding place and then, when he couldn’t find one, picked her up carefully in his hand and hid her behind his back.

The doctors came and asked him questions like normal.

“How have you been doing?”

“Fine.”

“How do you feel? Anything you want to get off your chest?”

Croc cradled Shy in his hands behind his back and gulped.

“Nope, nothing. Everything’s the same as usual. But thanks fer askin’.”

The doctors looked at each other, wrote something on their clipboards and moved on to the next cell.

When they left, Croc sighed with relief and tried to wake Shy up.

After the doctors had left, Poison Ivy sat there thinking about that strange pony from last night.

Checking to make sure nobody was looking she crossed her legs, closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to connect with her ‘inner self’ as the pony had called it.

The doctors could barely hear Bane.

“What did you say?” one asked.

“A little louder please,” said another.

“YEAH! YOU ROCK-” yelled Bane, and then clamped his hand over his mouth, “Sorry I’m a little hors- I mean, I’ve got a sore throat today.”

The doctors looked at each other again and moved on to the next cell.

Joker sat in the chair staring around the room at the other inmates. Many of them didn’t seem to know what to do with themselves.

Croc for one seemed to be scared of something and just stood by the window staring out at the sky.

Poison Ivy was sitting cross-legged on the couch, her eyes closed, with a potted plant in her lap, and Two-face was spinning his coin absentmindedly on the table. No one seemed to be interested in anything.

They’re waiting for night to come, said Joker to himself. The saps have all caved.

Harley was the worst of all, she had been avoiding him ever since they were let out of their cells.

I’ve heard her and that stupid pony of hers. Well good riddance, I never needed her anyway.

Penguin was nodding politely at Scarecrow who was measuring his muscles in the glass which separated the prisoners from the doctors.

What ever happened to their spirit? he wondered. What has become of Arkham? It’s been turned into a breeding ground for lunatics. One minute their healthy sociopaths well on their way to infamy, and the next they’re all moping about waiting for their precious ponies to come and talk to them. The idiots! Well I’ll show them, I’ll-

Joker froze. His eyes had just spotted something across the room, and with it had come the makings of a plan.

Grabbing a paper cup of water and some dirt from one of Ivy’s plants he began to work. Forming something carefully in his hands.
It didn’t need to be perfect, just good enough to fool the fool. Pretty soon he would have the upper hoof on those dumb ponies.

After he had finished weaving his makeshift supplies into something. He concealed his creation in his right hand and waited for the doctors to send them back to their cells. As he walked out of the free-time area he bumped into Croc.

“Watch it!” he said, glaring at Joker.

“I beg your pardon,” said Joker, smiling, “I knew I should have made that left turn at Albuquerque.”

As the doctors locked up the two Joker opened his right hand and grinned. His plan had gone off without a hitch. Pretty soon the doctors would come back to administer a tranquilizer to calm Croc down and then all he had to do was wait for the fun to start.

Chapter 7: The Last Straw

Chapter 7: The Last Straw

Pinkie was worried as Batman picked her and the rest of them up that night to go to Arkham. Fluttershy was missing, and Pinkie hadn’t seen her all day. Twilight told her not to worry about her since she was probably with Croc, and Croc would never hurt her. Pinkie knew that her Pinkie Sense would let her know if any of her friends were ever in danger, however she was still worried.

When they got to Arkham, Batman started handing out the ponies.

Most of the other ponies as they had begun helping their new friends got slowly larger every night. They shrank when Batman carried them around or put them in their cells but whenever they were helping their friends they were growing steadily as the inmates at Arkham progressed. Penguin had been getting lessons from a reasonably sized Rarity, and Croc had even given Fluttershy a hug. However Pinkie was still pretty small.

She watched as Batman tossed Derpy into her cell and she expanded automatically to full size.

“Muffin?” she said, handing one to her new friend.

As they approached Croc’s cell they could hear someone crying.

“Croc, what’s wrong?” asked Batman, looking into the cell.

Croc looked up at him, his eyes were red from crying and he looked exhausted. As he started to speak it was apparent that he was on drugs.

“Heez taken ‘er. You gotta do sumptin’. I already tried breakin’ out, but the docters put a stop ta that.”

“Who has taken her?” asked Batman.

Croc shakily held up a small wad of paper, mud, and string in the crude shape of a pony.

“He switched her after we had our free time. Hee’z got her in hiz cell. You gotta save ‘er.”

After he had said this Croc finally succumbed to the drugs in his system and keeled over onto the ground.

Pinkie stuck her head out of Batman’s utility belt as laugher echoed down the hallway.

She felt her blood run cold.

“Come and play,” said the Joker from his cell, “I’ve already got one of your little ponies. Who’s in charge now?”

Everyone cell in the hallway went dead silent.

“That’s right,” said the Joker, chuckling, “While all you sissies have been making friends I’m the only one who sees the truth; I’m the only one of you lily-livered slackers who has the gumption to do what needs to be done. Hey Pinkie Pie, want to see how your fiend is doing?”

Batman stepped up to Joker’s cell and peered in. There stood Joker his right hand grasping Fluttershy while his left fingers twitched near her neck.

“Step aside Batman. I’m not interested in you. I want to talk to that pink one who thinks she can cure me.”

Pinkie hopped up onto Joker’s door and looked in. Joker smiled.

“Hello there little miss psychiatrist. So you thought that you could cure me. Me the Clown Prince of Crime! Look upon what your little therapy sessions have wrought, and tell me... Was it worth it? I’m doing to snap your friend’s neck unless you decide that I’m better off crazy.”

Batman’s fists clenched and Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as Fluttershy whimpered and the Joker continued.

“I mean, after all, what’s more important saving one of your precious ponies friends... or curing me?”

Batman’s hand moved towards the Batarangs in his utility belt but froze as a loud voice resounded through his ears.

“YOU SHALL NOT HARM MY LITTLE PONIES!!!”

Batman saw Celestia’s horn glow out of the corner of his eye and watched as Joker’s body was surrounded by a glowing yellow field.

He dropped Fluttershy to the ground and shot up, headfirst, into the ceiling.

Fluttershy flew quickly out of the cell and Joker landed on the floor with a resounding headache.

Pinkie Pie smiled and sighed as Fluttershy flew safely out of the cell.

Then her face fell.

Her hair deflated, her pupils dilated to twin specks and Batman was positive that her pink color darkened.

Dropping into Joker’s cell she advanced on him saying, “Fluttershy! You would hurt poor… little… Fluttershy?! REALLY?!?! That’s so low I don’t even know what to say! Batman take the rest of the ponies to see their friends I’ve got some psychiatry to do.”

Batman left the cell behind and pulled Rarity out of his utility belt.

Pinkie watched him leave then her gaze slowly shifted to the wall to the right of the Joker who was huddled in a corning whimpering-

“Go narrate somewhere else. This part of the story isn’t going to be G-rated.”

Batman stood outside of Penguins cell handing Rarity to him. They were all looking at Joker’s cell wondering what kind of things were going on inside. The cell was dead silent.

“I never thought I’d pity him,” said Penguin, shaking his head.

“Me neither,” said Batman under his breath.

Batman handed out the rest of the ponies and left Arkham. As he drove back to the Batcave he wondered if the Joker would be ok. He couldn’t get that look on Pinkie’s face out of his mind.

“He’ll be fine,” said Celestia, “My student Twilight has nothing but good things to say about Pinkie.”

“But that look on her face. What if she tries to take revenge on him?”

“Revenge? I don’t think so. Avenge maybe. But answer me this, what would be the most horrible thing that Pinkie could do to him? What could possibly bring him the most pain imaginable?”

Batman looked at her as he pulled into the cave and said, “Fracture his femur?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow and said, “Sanity. Think about it. Only then would he be able to comprehend the pain and suffering he’s caused. Only then would he have to put in the effort to change his image. Only then would he appreciate everything he’s been missing in life.”

Alfred was rather surprised when he came down to the Batcave the next days later to tidy up after Bruce’s nocturnal wanderings. Bruce was lying there in his chair sleeping like a log. He was wearing all his costume except for his mask, which was draped over the back of the chair as he snored lightly.

As Alfred dusted off the console he glanced at Bruce and found that he was wearing a calm smile as he slept. Alfred raised an eyebrow but stayed silent and kept dusting.

While he was cleaning some of the larger trophies he noticed that the Batcave seemed brighter than usual.

There was the roar of an engine and Robin drove in after a long night of patrolling.

“Honestly,” said Alfred, “How do you intend to study for your chemistry test this week if you’re out till all hours of the night?”

Dick removed his helmet and grinned, “It’s ok Alfred I glanced at some of the chemistry exhibits while I was chasing Catwoman through the museum. A little studying later today, a quick power nap, and I’ll be fine. Hey, does the cave seem brighter to you?”

“I did notice that Master Dick,” said Alfred, opening a glass case and dusting off Mr. Freeze’s ice gun, “What would you surmise to be the cause?”

“I don’t know,” said Dick, looking around, “Hey Bruce.”

Bruce opened his eyes and looked over at Dick, “What is it Robin.”

“Does the cave seem… different to you?”

“Maybe a little brighter, but I wouldn’t call that a problem. Alfred what time is it?”

“Ten after eight, sir.”

“Perfect I’ve got a golf game scheduled for nine with one of the doctors at Arkham.”

“How are things going there?” asked Dick, taking off his mask and stretching.

“Things should start turning around pretty soon,” said Bruce, removing his cape and cowl and donning a light gray cashmere sweater.

“I’ll bring the car around at eleven-thirty, sir.”

“Thank you Alfred. Although I think our game might last a little longer than that.”

“Expecting a good deal of conversation, sir?”

“That’s what I’m hoping for.”

Joker let out a mournful scream from his parched throat and slouched in the corner.

Pinkie slowly lowered herself onto four hooves again and approached the shuddering heap of tattered humanity. When she was directly in front of him she could see that he was crying.

“All I ever wanted to do was make people happy,” he said in a quiet whisper.

“I win,” said Pinkie, narrowing her eyes and smiling.

“Yes. Yes you have,” said Joker, “Thank you.”

Pinkie smiled, wrapped her hooves around the poor man and let him weep freely into her mane. Neither of them knew how long the stayed like that. But when Pinkie let go and looked down she didn’t recognize the man who was holding her.

“Will you be ok?” she asked, looking into his eyes, “I know you probably have a lot weighing on your conscience.”

“I’ll be fine. Thank you Pinkie Pie. I owe my sanity to you. Now I can start trying to rebuild my life.”

“You think you can?”

“I can try. Before you came along I couldn’t even do that.”

Chapter 8: For the Better

Chapter 8: For the Better

“Excellent shot Bruce,” said Doctor Alejandro as the ball landed in the hole.

“I try,” said Bruce, grinning, “Sometimes I get lucky.”

“I know what you mean. Just last week some of the inmates were nearly bouncing off the walls. Now I’m constantly getting calls from Arkham saying that they’re as calm as anything. Sometimes things just click.”

As he said this Alejandro tapped his ball and it went smoothly through the grass to land in the cup.

“So it’s true what I’ve been hearing about Arkham lately?” asked Bruce, lining up for his next shot.

“I don’t know what you could have heard. But if it was anything about the inmates calming down, I’d say that the rumors have been confirmed. They seem to be better adjusted, more polite, happier, and in some of the more normal once I’d almost say that they’re nicer than some of my neighbors.”

“How’s Harvey?”

“Surprisingly well. In fact he’s actually stopped carrying around that coin of his.”

“What about the more dangerous ones? Ivy, Croc, the Joker?”

“You seem rather curious.”

“Why shouldn’t I been? They are people after all.”

“You’re right, sometimes I think people forget that about them. They’re actually doing better as well. Ivy has taken to meditation, Croc has started bird watching and even the Joker seems less violent than before.”

“Any idea why the sudden change?”

“Honestly Bruce I’m just as confused as you are. Most of them keep talking about these little visitors in the night but we can’t get much out of them accept a name, maybe a brief story or two. Croc calls his visitor Shy. He says she’s the one who got him interested in bird watching. As for the Joker, he doesn’t seem to mention his little visitor at all, and if we bring it up he gets very quiet. I’d be worried about them if it weren’t for the change in their behavior. If these little visitors do have something to do with it I’d love a hundred more of them.”

“You’re not going to be releasing anyp- anyone from Arkham yet, are you?”

“Don’t worry Bruce. We don’t let anyone out until we’re a hundred and ten percent sure they are sane and ready to reintegrate into society.”

“Good just so I know I can sleep a little safer tonight,” said Bruce, sending the ball flying.

Dr. Alejandro exited the elevator and greeted one of his nurses, “How are the patients doing today?”

“Honestly Dr. I don’t even know what to say, we let them out for their free time today and Scarecrow started a square dance a couple minutes later.”

“A square dance?”

“They turned on the radio. Since then they’ve been laughing and singing. Listen.”

Dr. Alejandro put his clipboard down and walked up to the window to see into the inmate’s free-time area.

Poison Ivy was sitting on the floor cross-legged doing some kind of chant, while Dr. Crane was sitting off to one side eating an apple and Two-face, Harley, Croc, Bane, and another inmate Alejandro couldn’t identify were singing a song.

“Who’s the one in the center?” asked Dr. Alejandro.

“I said the same thing when I saw him this morning,” said the nurse, “It’s the Joker.”

Alejandro’s eyes widened in shock as he recognized that the person in the center of it all, singing the loudest, with the happiest smile on his face was indeed the Joker.

Because I love to make you smile, smile, smile, yes I do.

It fills my heart with sunshine all the while, yes it does.

Cause’ all I really need’s a smile, smile, smile, from these happy friends of mine.

The song stopped playing on the radio and the announcer came on.

“That was The Smile Song as you probably all know,” she said, “Umm, we’ll be taking a short break now to ahh…”

Another, more cheerful, voice broke in saying, “Recalibrate the song thingies. No need to worry though, nothing suspicious is happening. Perfectly normal radio-y things going on here.”

“Right… Well, we’ll be right back after this.”

The radio cut to static and the inmates sat down and started talking pleasantly amongst themselves.

“What happened to him?” asked Dr. Alejandro, still staring at the Joker.

“We have no idea. But whatever it was, it must have happened sometime last night.”

“The little visitors,” said Alejandro under his breath.

“What was that Dr.?” asked the nurse.

“Have the inmates said anything more about their ‘little visitors’?”

The nurse was taken aback for a second, then shook her head, “No. However while the Joker did mention something about being ‘saved’ last night; he never mentioned who did the saving.”

“Have they said anything out of the ordinary (besides singing)? Any unusual phrases, or new names?”

The nurse looked at the inmates for a second and then said, “Now that you mention it several of them have accidentally dropped a rather unusual pronoun here and there.”

“What pronoun?”

“They’ll replace the second part in words like ‘nobody, anybody, everyone, and someone’ with the word ‘pony’.”

“You mean like any-pony?”

“Yes.”

“Strange. Keep an eye out for the next time they say it, and ask them about that.”

“Certainly, Doctor.”

“Oh and by the way nurse…”

“Yes?”

“You are looking lovely today.”

“Why thank you Dr.”

The nurse left with a smile on her face and Dr. Alejandro stood looking at the inmates for a couple more minutes. He never even noticed when he stared to smile.

Things really were changing for the better.

Batman stood on the ledge looking out over the city. From now on it would be safe from the lunatics who had once been its greatest threat.

Maybe even he had learned something in all of this…

But he’d never tell the white one that.

There was a rush of wind and someone stepped up behind him.

“How have things been going Bruce?”

Batman narrowed his eyes.

He knows how much I hate it when he calls me Bruce out in the open like that.

Then a smile spread across his face.

“Things have been better. Say, you wouldn’t mind doing me a favor would you?”

“What kind of a favor?”

“Nothing that large. There’s a small box up at my place. I was wondering if you could keep it safe for me for a little while. Somewhere I could get to it easily. Your apartment maybe.”

“Ok Bruce. That shouldn’t be a problem.”

The figure launched himself from the building with his usual flamboyance and flew off towards Wayne Manor red cape flapping in the wind.

“Good luck,” said Batman under his breath, trying to hold back a smile, “You’ll need it.”

Chapter 3: The Second Night

Chapter 3: The Second Night

Walking a little ways down the hall Batman stopped and turned. Sliding into a dark corner he stood stock-still and waited.

“Hey!” came an infuriated yell from Croc’s cell, “I told you to forget this stupid—Aagghhh!”

Batman’s eyes widened as he listened to Croc seemingly yelling at no one. The yelling soon became a cry for Batman to come take away the dumb toy.

Suddenly the shouting died away and Batman couldn’t hear Croc anymore.

Batman whipped out a small earpiece and attached it to one ear. He listened in silence to the small microphone he had planted on Croc’s door as, down the hall, Edward Nygma stared cautiously at the cell door.

“Well sir, how did it go?” asked Alfred dusting off Bruce’s cowl as he sat in front of the computer analyzing what he had recorded from last night.

“I don’t know,” said Bruce, hitting rewind, “Something definitely happened with Croc. I don’t know what exactly though. Every time I tried to get closer to the cell I kept getting interference on the earpiece.”

“And I see that you retrieved the test object when you were through with it,” said Alfred picking up the small yellow pony.

“That was here when I got back this morning,” said Bruce, pressing play on the keypad, “These toys are far from ordinary.”

“So what’s on the agenda for today?”

Bruce looked up at Alfred and, pulling his cowl down over his eyes, said, “Observation of the subject.”

“Shall I pack you a sandwich for lunch sir?”

But he was already gone.

The nurse never knew what hit her. One minute she was walking down the hallway with an empty tray of food, and the next she was in a dark corner with a gloved hand over her mouth.

“I need to ask you some questions,” said the Batman removing his hand from her mouth, “About Croc.”

The nurse stepped back and took a long breath, “I just took him his meal. The only thing I noticed was that he seemed rather tired.”

“Tired?”

“Yes, usually he grabs the food and growls at me. But today he just took it and sat down on his bunk. His eyes were red.”

Batman’s eyes narrowed and he stepped back into the shadows.

The nurse blinked and he was gone.

Batman sat in the Batcave staring intently at the yellow toy in his right hand.

“Who’s winning the staring contest?” asked Dick coming down the secret passage from Wayne Manor.

“These aren’t ordinary plastic toys. They seem to either induce some sort of hallucination in their subjects or create a localized magical experience.”

“What do you mean?” asked Dick picking up another one of the toys.

“Croc was talking to this toy like it was actually alive. I could only hear his side of the conversation.”

“Sounds to me like hallucination.”

“Possible. I ran his speech through an audio speech algorithm and it looks as though he definitely believes he was talking to someone. However the algorithm also told me that his speaking pattern was normal, so his brain functions were un-impaired.”

“Not hallucination.”

“Probably not. I’ve been trying for the past two hours to see if I can trigger the same function in these toys for me.”

“Why?”

“Since I’ve started following the directions there are no more notes from No One. I’m getting all my data second-hand from the inmates at Arkham. I’d like to get some information from the source.”

Dick raised an eyebrow, “So you’re saying you want to get it straight from the horse’s mouth?”

“Basically. Yes.”

“Well than I’ll leave you two alone.”

Dick donned his costume and left the cave on his Bat-cycle.

Batman leaned back in his chair and continued staring at the yellow pony.

There was the crinkle of paper being folded slightly and Batman slowly lowered the pony onto his console. The sound had come from behind his chair low to the ground. It wasn’t Alfred.

Glancing at the reflection on his screen he could see what looked like a small white horse with wings and a pastel-colored mane flowing in the breeze.

Slowly turning around he looked down to see a small pure-white pony toy standing on a folded sheet of paper.

Bending over he picked it up.

Dear Batman,

Still looking for answers? Fine.

I’m afraid I can’t help you, so ask Celestia.

Don’t worry she doesn’t bite, but she does possess massive telekinetic abilities.

Sincerely,

No One

“Hello,” said a soft rich voice behind him, “Will you accept my friendship?”

It had been a rough day for Croc. After spending most of the night up listening to that yellow pony talk about her adventures he had been exhausted. He didn’t care if he never saw that stupid pony ever again.

There was a soft click as something landed on the ground by his door and he winced.

“Not again.”

“How are you tonight?” said the soft voice of Shy who was standing at the base of his cot looking up at him with those huge eyes of hers.

“Listen,” said Croc sitting up on his bed, “I really don’t have time to listen to you tonight ok. So could you just leave alone?”

“Well I could always listen to you,” she said giving him a big smile.

Croc groaned, “I don’t have anything to talk about.”

“Well why are you here?”

“You mean locked up? Caus’ I done bad things that’s why. People don’t like me see. So I don’t like them. Rob a few banks try and get some revenge and the throw me in here.” Croc gestured to his cell.

“Well why did you want to rob banks?” asked Shy.

“Because then people would stop lookin’ down at me just because I’m different. I could show them. Heh, they think they’re so big with their fancy suits and fast cars and their girls and stuff…”

Shy listened quietly as Croc rambled on.

“I grew up wrestin crocodiles. They were the only things that weren’t scared of me. Got tough. Only way I knew how ta get respect was by showin’ people how strong I was. It was always pretty easy, after all everyone's scared of me.”

“I’m not,” said Shy, putting her hoof on his knee as she sat next to him.

“Hey Croc!” yelled Nygma from the next cell. “What do I do with this thing?”

“Shut up!” yelled Croc, “Can’t ya see we’re talkin’ here.”

“Why don’t you go to bed,” said Shy jumping off his bed and fluttering a little ways above the ground, “I’ll sing you a lullaby.”

Croc lay down on his cot and grunted.

“No thanks. I’m good.”

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head.

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed.

Drifting off to sleep, leave exciting days behind you.

Drifting off to sleep, let the joy of dreamland find you.

Hush now, quiet now, warm under your comfy spread.

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to beeedddd…

As Fluttershy stopped singing she could hear Croc snoring loudly.

ZZzzzZZZ-mmrrrvvllmm-ZZzzzZZZ

“Good-night,” she said planting a soft kiss on Crocs forehead.

After she left no one was there to see the smile on Croc’s face as he lay there on his bed sound asleep.

Edward Nygma watched as the Batman stepped out of the shadows and slowly slipped something into Croc’s cell.

“What was that?” he asked standing up and moving over to his door, “I didn’t get a good look at it last night.”

“You’ll see,” said the Batman turning around and walking towards Nygma's cell.

Nygma wasn’t one to be easily scared, he had faced the dark knight many times before and knew that he could hold his own from an intellectual standpoint. But something about the way that Batman was looking at him told him that this was something completely different.

Nygma stepped back and raised an eyebrow at the Batman, “What do you mean by that?”

Batman reached into his utility belt and held something up between his first finger and thumb. With a flick of his wrist he sent it flying through the air to land inside Nygma’s cell. With a swish of his cape he was gone.

Nygma carefully approached the small purple thing that Batman had thrown and bending down he inspected it.

It was a small plastic toy, no bigger than a bar of soap in the shape of a cartoon horse.

After listening to Croc most of last night Nygma was wary of whatever this was. Slowly he removed his shoe and scooped up the toy being careful not to touch it. Sitting on the bed he examined it carefully.

“Aachoooo!”

Nygma dropped the shoe in surprise as the toy sneezed.

The purple creature emerged from the shoe on the ground and looked up at him.

“You know it stinks in there, right?”

Nygma didn’t know what to say.

“Hello. Anypony at home?” it said waving a hoof at him.

Nygma got down off his bed and looking carefully at the thing on his floor he said, “Are you real?”

It snorted, “I should think so. That sounds like the kind of question Pinkie would ask. Of course I’m real.”

“And what is your purpose here?”

“I’m here to make friends.”

“With whom?”

“You, obviously.”

Nygma grinned, “I see. Alright then purple horse toy-”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

Nygma gave her a look and continued, “Alright Ms. Sparkle Riddle me this, when is a friend on a computer not a friend?”

Twilight tapped her chin with a hoof before her eyes brightened, “When they’re without an ‘R’ key; then they’re a fiend.”

“That’s right and I’m afraid that’s what you have here,” said Nygma quickly trapping Twilight underneath a plastic cup.

There was a flash of purple light from beneath the cup and Nygma was swatted aside with a floating keyboard.

The cup was knocked over and Twilight stood there grinning and waving the keyboard, “Sorry buster but I have an ‘R’ key.”

It vanished in a puff of purple smoke.

“How did you do that?” asked Nygma rubbing his face.

“Magic.”

“Don’t be ridiculous there’s no such thing as magic.”

“I’m a talking plastic purple pony toy. You want to repeat that?”

Nygma groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Hey Croc,” he yelled hoping to get some help from his next door neighbor, “What do I do with this thing?”

Croc yelled at him to shut up.

“You know,” said Twilight staring closely at Nygma, “You don’t look very much like any of the other people I saw on my way in here. What makes you so dangerous?”

Nygma didn’t even realize he had just been tricked. He fell headfirst into the trap and started talking about his favorite subject, himself.

“Ah-hah, now see that is why I am so infamous. People underestimate me because of my size. But it’s not the size of the muscles in the fight that matters; it’s the size of the brain, and mine is the biggest there is. No one has an intellect as large as the Riddlers ha-ha-ha-ha—”

“So you’re saying you’ve got a big head?”

“No, I didn’t say that.”

“Well it sure sounded that way.”

“I said intellect not head.”

“Ok then fine,” said Twilight shrugging, “Then riddle me this Mr. Riddler, When is the Riddler not the Riddler? Hint: it also involves an ‘R’ key. Or rather a lack thereof.”

“When he’s Reformed, but I’m not going to reform until I have my revenge,” said Nygma glaring at Twilight.

“We’ll just see about that,” said Twilight smirking at him.

“Hello Batman. I have heard the Croc. He yells like a demon possess him.”

Batman didn’t say anything he just flipped something small and blue into Bane’s cell and moved on.

Bane raised and eyebrow and getting up from his bed went over and picked up the piece of blue plastic.

It was a small plastic pony with rainbow hair and a sleek sky-blue torso.

Bane held it in his open palm observing it closely.

“Booo!” it suddenly yelled at him.

Bane started but didn’t drop the toy as it rolled over on its side and began to laugh uproariously.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha.”

Bane narrowed his eyes and crushed the pony in his grasp.

“Now who laughs?”

His eyes widened in surprise as he felt the toy kick his fingers open and fly out of his grasp, doing loop-de-loops around his head.

“You’re not too hot at this, are you?” she said as he swung hopelessly at her.

Bane was strong and fast but this creature moved like lightning itself.

At last, giving up, Bane sat down on his cot and said, “What do you want tiny pony?”

“Well Twilight told me I’m supposed to make friends with you, but you don’t seem that smart… or cool.”

“I have killed men who have said less than that about me.”

“I don’t see how. You can’t even catch me and I’m like a hundred times smaller than you.”

“If I had Venom in my veins right now, there would be no contest.”

“Venom? What’s that?”

“It is what gives me my strength, my edge. It is what makes me the man who could have broken the bat himself.”

“You mean like a drug? Whoa man, that is so totally not cool. I don’t take anything and look at how cool I am. I don’t need to break anypony. They already know I’m awesome.”

“Ha, that is why you, pony, are the fool. Venom makes me stronger, faster—”

“Dumber? Because that’s what you sure sound like to me. I’m fine with who I am. I don’t need to take anything to make me something else. I’m 20% more me than you’ll ever be.”

While Rainbow had been talking Bane had made his move. Faster than a striking snake he grabbed at Rainbow but only managed to snag her back hooves.

Grinning mischiefly Rainbow flew towards the door to the cell, lifting Bane off his bed, then she cracked her body like a whip and sent him flying through the air to smash into the door.

“Hey, would ya keep it down ja jerk I’m tryin to watch the show over here,” said the person from the cell next to Bane’s.

Bane groaned as he slid off the reinforced door and landed on his head.

“Ha, I’ve got it. First I’ll teach you how to cheer. That did wonders for Fluttershy. Then we can move on to maybe a song or two and from there… Who knows?”

From his position on the floor Bane growled, “Bane does not sing songs or cheer stupid flying ponies.”

“You know when you refer to yourself in the third person like that you sound like somepony else I know who had a big ego problem. Don’t worry though, we soon fixed her.”

Bane closed his eyes and moaned inwardly. And he had thought that Arkham was torture.

Bane’s next-door neighbor clapped her hands and jumped up and down with a huge smile on her as she watched the strange orange pony with the accordion bouncing around her room and singing a silly song about mayonnaise.

“Woo-hooo! If Mr. J could see me now.”

“Howdy there sugar cube,” said the orange pony in the Stetson with a huge smile to the poor stick-like man who was backed up into a corner staring wide-eyed at her, “We need to put some meat on them bones of yers.”

Crane stared fearfully at the small creature as it advanced on him holding what looked like a giant apple-pie.

“No, no! Please. Stay back. Help!”

Poison Ivy sat there, annoyed, as she watched the little green pony walking through her garden saying things like, “Dude. Far out. This place is like so in tune with my cosmic life-force right now.”

Meanwhile in another cell Clayface stood looking confused at the cross-eyed pegasus who hovered right in front of his face. She seemed just as confused as him.

Author's Note

The Hush Now, Quiet Now song I used was this version right here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vNggzM_QjY
I do not own it, and it is not quite the original from the show.