An Alternian Guide to Making or Breaking Equestria

by Yoru no Seishin

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crossover, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Romance
Length: 4506

Annoyed alien adjusting and assimilating amongst arduous equine acquaintances and annoying altered anatomy.

You may want to refer this blog post.

Most people share the "how I got into the fandom" story.
Some are average.
Some are extraordinary.
Then you have a story like mine that gets a bit... different.

Oh I'm prattling on. You came here for adventure and I will provide you with such.
Keep your hands, feet, and "other" appendages in the dimensional viewing area at all times, lest they be quickly and painfully severed.
Don't bother with typing commands. This is record, not a live feed. I'm not going to listen to them.

And without further ado, kick back and relax, grab yourself a beverage, turn on your favorite fraymotif, and enjoy.

A sort of Homestuck crossover. I advise reading with a dark background.

Published 2015-08-08 08:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-13 08:41:44 UTC

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11/10/12 Earth, Orion Arm, Milky Way Galaxy, Virgo Supercluster, Dimension 74216349

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Night had begun and everyone was turning in for the calm embrace of dream land. That is except for one figure still roaming the streets. The figure had recently been hiding, trying to hide from watchful eyes. Now that night had arrived, the figure had made its way to its dwelling. Quickly closing the door, the figure checked the item it had been safeguarding. Lighting a nearby candle, the figure placed the item on the oak desk in the corner of the room. The light revealed that the item in question was a book, the title reading The Creature Compendium of the Strange and Fascinatingly Disturbing. The figure motioned to undo the clasp that held the book’s secrets, but paused to notice that the book was slowly expanding and contracting, almost as if it was breathing. Dismissing it as a trick of the light, the figure had fully come in contact with the clasp, but jumped back at feeling a prick and the sight of a bright red drop of blood fall into the clasp’s keyhole. The figure was nursing its injury, but was only allowed a moment of peace as a soft click was heard and the book snapped open with a loud thwack. The figure quickly moved towards the book and swiftly began turning the pages for anything that caught its interest, quickly filling the room with the smell of millennia. “No No No,” the figure repeated to itself. “Why is everything in this book useless? I risked my life to steal this and for what, an ancient paperweight?” The figure was ready to dump the book in the trash, when a particular page was turned to. Almost immediately, the figure’s stress was relieved and a wicked smile began to form as it read the warning, “For those who wish to make someone truly suffer.”

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Back before I was rejoined with my companions, my group consisted of me and my assistants/adopted children: Tenma and Tenshi. I had just concluded a few business matters, and I was about to begin weapon training with Tenma and Tenshi. The two of them had taken a seat while I shut my dimensional gate system aptly referred to as the 4th wall down for the day. That was when it happened. After I had turned it off, I was surprised to see it click back on. I quickly attempted to turn it off again, but found that it would not respond to the controls. Further inspection revealed that the glass had disappeared, leaving it open to somewhere in the multiverse. The situation quickly escalated as I felt myself being pulled towards the opening. I immediately grabbed the controls in an attempt to anchor myself. Tenma and Tenshi, having noticed the situation, made their way over to the controls in an attempt to assist me. However, they weren’t fast enough as I felt my grip give out and I began to slide towards the opening. Tenma and Tenshi immediately grabbed my hands and began to pull. Closer and closer, we moved towards the opening. Attempted use of my abilities provided mediocre results. The unknown force that was pulling us in continued to increase, eventually reaching the nearby couch. I did not have time to shout out a warning, as the comfy piece of furniture rushed forward and knocked us through the opening. As we fell through the veil, I tightened my grip refusing to let go. I would have continued had the pain not started. (Know that while I said I was experiencing pain, most multiversal travel is painless. If you’re feeling pain, then you either have motion sickness or are experiencing genetic reconfiguration. The aftereffects of both are quickly remedied by a hot bath and several strong drinks.) The pain began to increase as my DNA began to shift. The pain became unbearable as I felt their hands slip and I proceeded to fall unconscious. The last thing I saw was the moon above me and the ground about a good 2,000 feet below me.

(Twilight Sparkle POV)

“Aaaaaaaaaand done.” I said as I finished the inscriptions I was making. I’m Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn whose interests include magic, literature, mathematics, and various fields of science. I’m currently here in the Canterlot Library at the request of one of my friends. Fluttershy had showed up earlier today wondering if I knew any relaxation spells, to which I asked her why. She had incident today involving one of her animals, a wolverine, and it had taken her longer than usual to calm the creature down. She said she wanted me to have the spell in case the situation arose where she couldn’t calm an animal. I told her I didn’t have books required to create the spell, but the library in Canterlot should have them. After gathering some supplies and asking Rarity to watch Spike, I boarded the next train and here we are. The spell overall was taking longer than expected, so I had tried another medium: potions. After a few hours of reading, mixing, and pouring my magic into the concoction, I had made a breakthrough. In the vial in front of me was a thick green gel. The aroma it gave off was quite refreshing, like morning dew. A small application of the gel to my shoulder had relieved pains that I wasn’t even aware of. This “Soothe Gel” was my temporary solution to Fluttershy’s plight, until I could make a more convenient solution.

I looked out the nearest window and wasn’t surprised when I saw the night sky. I had this habit of getting completely absorbed in my studies. As I walked along the shelves, I caught sight of the Starswirl the Bearded wing and the telescope down one of the aisles. Princess Celestia always told me that Starswirl got most of his inspiration from looking at the stars, so maybe I’ll give it a shot. As I peered through, I marveled at the complexity of it all. I never asked Princess Luna how she designed the night, but I knew it must be hard work managing both the moon and the countless number of stars. My mind wandered to why exactly Starswirl looked at the stars: he wanted to know what was past the stars. My concentration snapped back to the sky as a tiny dot of light zoomed past, a shooting star. I closed my eyes and made my wish. “I wish I could see what Starswirl had dreamed of, past the sky that covers Equestria.”

(Fluttershy 3rd person POV)

Fluttershy’s cottage was currently the loudest place in Ponyville. She had awoken moments ago to a deep thud and the frightened cries of her animals. She had finished calming them and pondered about what could’ve frightened them. She flew through all the rooms and even the perimeter of her cottage, but could find no indication of the thud she had heard. That left only one place: the Everfree Forest. Normally she would be borderline terrified to enter it at this time of night, but her mind was focused on her animals and their safety. So little by little, she entered the forest. The Everfree had a history of terrifying ponies what with the dangerous creatures, deadly plants, and how it all ran without any ponies tending to it. Fluttershy had not been walking very long and had already snuck around a manticore and avoided falling into a patch of poison joke. She was starting to think that turning around was a good idea until, as fate would have it, she fell into a ditch. She lifted herself up, shaking out some of the dirt that had got in her mane, before caressing her now bruised snout. She wondered about the origins of this ditch, as her memory said it wasn’t here before. As she was contemplating the ditch…

“eep!”

She just felt her hoof brush against something. Alive. She flew behind a tree hoping whatever it was didn’t see her. However, as her eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness, she saw that it was a pony, half buried in the dirt. She would feel horrible if she left somepony in here, so she did the only thing she could think of: she bit on to the pony’s tail and pulled. Surprisingly, the pony popped out quite easily. Despite the near absence of light, she could see that it was a stallion, though not much else. As she maneuvered around him she heard a crack as she felt her hoof step on something. She looked down and saw a pair of glasses and what appeared to be a pile of cards next to it. Before she could worry if she broke this stallion’s glasses, she heard a nearby growl and acting on instinct grabbed the glasses, as many of the cards as she could see, and the stallion (once again by the tail) and ran as fast as her legs could carry her.

Back at her home, Fluttershy gently laid the stallion on her couch. Now that she had some light, she could get a better look at the stallion. The stallion was quite tall. Not Big Mac tall, but certainly taller than the other stallions in Ponyville. He appeared to be rather effeminate, to the point where Fluttershy had to be sure if he was even a stallion. He was also considerably thin for a stallion. His coat was a light gray and his mane was pitch black and messy beyond description. Other than that, he appeared to be normal…except on two things. First were his teeth, sharp as blades, though the biggest abnormality had to be the four large horns on his head, which for whatever reason shared the same color scheme as candy corn. Before she could finish her observation, the stallion began to stir. He opened his eyes a crack, before immediately shutting them and covering them with his hooves.

-- pristineCaryophyllus [PC] began conversing with toxicOphidian [TO] --

"oh my. is there something wrong?"

The stallion perked up at the sound of her voice, before speaking.

"Excu2e me m122, but could you pa22 me my gla22e2?"

His voice was smooth as velvet and had an accent she couldn't quite place. She reached over to the glasses and noticed the lenses were colored, one red and one blue. Not wanting to be rude, she grabbed the glasses and set them on his chest. He pried his hooves off and attempted to pick up the glasses and failed. His hooves apparently not getting the job done, he puts them to his sides. Fluttershy then watches as a red and blue aura envelops the glasses, before they place themselves on the stallion’s eyes.

"That’2 much better. 1 21ncerely w12h to thank you…"

The stallion stared at Fluttershy, the levels of awkward reaching dangerously high.

"um, is something wrong?"

"Not really. My bra1n 12 ju2t comprehend1ng the 21tuat1on."

"what situation?"

"The one regard1ng the fact that 1’m 2peak1ng w1th a pony."

"uh…"

"Wa1t a m1nute. 1f you’re a pony then that mean2…"

The stallion begin thoroughly looking over himself, mumbling as he looked at every nook and cranny of his anatomy.

Before breaking out into a fit of laughter.

"would you care for a cup of tea?"

"1f 1t 12n’t too much trouble."

(??? POV)

I watched as the pony went to the other room

The 1nhab1tant2 of th12 world are 1ntere2t1ng. Certa1nly d1dn’t expect to w1ndup a2 an equ1ne.

However, the question remains. Why am I here? My 4th wall malfunctions, I get pulled through, and I end up in a world I’m not familiar with populated by colorful talking ponies. The malfunction shouldn’t have happened (despite it being made from random scrap and an old fenestrated plane, I designed it not to break).

Alway2 look over your 2crap before 1nvent1ng an 1nterd1men21onal tran2port apparatu2.

The butter yellow pegasus soon returned balancing a tea tray on her back, ingeniously using her wings for increased surface area. After setting the tray onto the table, she delicately poured a cup before “hoofing” it over to me as I sat up. Not entirely comfortable with the lack of digits, I opt to hold the cup in my telekinesis. Surprisingly, she doesn’t seem to be weirded out by it, as if this was a regular occurrence. She pours herself a cup before sitting next to me, relatively close but avoiding eye contact.

If this was anymore awkward, we’d have to quarantine the area. Future generations would visit the fallout site, viewing the various lifeforms and their quiet lives, too awkward to speak.

come on fluttershy, say something. he’s going to think you’re weird if you just sit here.

She reacts like telekinesis is normal, but she’s thinking out loud?

"You know 1t’2 been a long wh1le 21nce 1’ve had a moment l1ke th12. A qu1et moment w1th a fr1end l12ten1ng to the 2ound2 of nature, outdoor2 and 1ndoor2."

A rabbit has inched its way into the room, giving a few precautionary sniffs of the air. It then proceeds to give me “the eye.” Am I being judged by a rabbit? Must be her lusus or something, so I’ll be nice.

I smile and wave.

The rabbit had a brief moment of panic, before darting over and hiding behind Fluttershy.

"1 2hould have expected that. Ba21c fear re2pon2e when confront1ng a predator. 1 blame the teeth."

Surprisingly she responds.

"you don’t need to blame yourself. angel doesn’t warm-up to new ponies very quickly."

"Well that’2 one 1ntroduct1on out of the way."

"sorry, its fluttershy."

Just because I can read minds, doesn’t mean I don’t have manners.

"what’s your name?"

Oh boy. Now comes a dilemma: do I be honest and tell her my actual name, or do I adopt a new name for my stay here?

"Um…"

"oh dear. do you not remember? maybe your cutie mark will jog your memory."

What’s a cutie mark? And why is she looking at my butt? I turn my head and see that on my “flank”, there’s some kind of tattoo. The “mark” shows five playing cards, fanned out and laid on top of each other. From back left to front right they were: ace of clubs, ace of diamonds, ace of spades, and ace of hearts. The last and top card was the odd one out showing my symbol, also an ace.

"What 12 th12?"

"it’s your cutie mark."

…

"you got it when you learned what your special talent was?"

…

"it tells you what you’re destined to do with your life."

They base their lives on a tattoo? I may not share their belief in destiny, but I will try to respect it. So my mark is playing cards and I’m against the idea of destiny. Not just cards, but aces. Ace Entropy, Ace Anarchy… what part of aces goes against rules?

"Ace Wild"

"i’m sorry?"

"My name or the name I’d like to use."

"why do you…"

"A2 you can 2ee, 1 am far from normal look1ng. 1’m l1kely go1ng to be here a wh1le, and 1t would probably le22en the freak-out2 1f 1 had a normal 2ound1ng name."

…

It was apparently her turn to be silent.

"2orry about that 1nformat1on dump. Year2 of exper1ence2 talk1ng."

"you don’t look that old."

"1’m probably older than you th1nk."

"hehe next you’ll be telling me you have a wife and foals."

"2orry to d12appo1nt you, but 1’ve yet to meet that 2pec1al "2omepony". Now ch1ldren on the other hoof…"

3,2,1

"Oh god 1’m the wor2t parent ever! You and your ch1ldren w1nd up 1n a new world, and what do you do? Get 1nto an exten21ve conver2at1on w1th a local. They could be 1n trouble or wor2e, cau21ng trouble."

I immediately jumped to my hooves and made a dash for the door, stopping in the doorway.

"Thank you k1ndly for the ho2p1tal1ty, but 1 have place2 be. Hopefully we’ll meet aga1n."

I headed out before immediately ducking back in.

"Judg1ng from the lack of t1redne22 1n your eye2, you’re not l1kely go1ng back to bed. Fortunately, 1 wouldn’t m1nd the company. Unfortunately, 1 don’t have the t1me to wa1t for a re2ponse."

I headed out (for real this time) leaving a very confused Fluttershy still sitting on her couch. She set down her teacup, grabbed the sylladex cards I left behind, and decided to take me up on my offer.

(Elsewhere)

-- duplicateDivided [DD] began conversing with duplicateDivided [DD] --

"do you thiink senseii forgot about us"

"iits two soon two tell"

"where do you thiink we are"

"unsure, but iit aiin’t home"

"what make2 you say that"

"cause ii can see a raiinbow iin the dark"

Author's Note

hcbvlillgquffjglobgotclfbrlhqrjglhwbhtajnbkbwgtclahnqttjqlnvlbgoilqkbnloiytclnjt
-BC

Clash

Upload resumed

After Fluttershy had led me to my crash site (not one of my best landings 4/10) and I did some math to figure the general landing of my kids, I tried to restart the conversation. After some general coaxing, I managed to get Fluttershy to tell me where I am. We’re apparently near a small town called Ponyville (had to resist the urge to chuckle) and the forest we’re currently trekking through is referred to as the Everfree, which sounds pretty awesome. When I asked her for the name of the country, I genuinely expected her to pose some questions, but was surprised when she continued like I was some tourist. The country is Equestria and is primarily populated by 3 types of pony: earth (pure terrestrial variant), pegasus (the aviating equivalent), and...unicorns…

“1’m 2orry, could you repeat that?"

"they use magic."

At this point I couldn’t suppress my laughter as I went wild.

“Once aga1n my apolog1e2, but that’2 the funn1e2t th1ng 1’ve heard all n1ght."

"i wasn’t joking."

“Wow 1 really hate to be the buzz k1ll, but mag1c 12 fake. Mo2t feat2 of 2uppo2ed ‘mag1c’ are e1ther 2ubtle tr1ckery or feat2 of 2c1ence they can’t expla1n."

"weren’t you using magic back at the cottage with your glasses and the teacup?"

“Hardly, that wa2 f1r2t-rate p21on1c potent1al."

...

“1’m p2ych1c."

i wonder if he can read minds?

“To an2wer your question, 1 can read m1nd2."

eep

“Normal thought 12n’t that much d1fferent than talk1ng, only w1thout u21ng your lung2 and mouth. Ju2t empha21ze your thought2 as ‘private’, then 1t’ll requ1re more effort to read them, l1ke when you have a secret and your fr1end2 have to try harder to get you to tell."

...

“Your next que2t1on 12 1f 1 can 2ee the future, to wh1ch the an2wer 12 no. 1 al2o d1dn’t l1e and 2ee 1nto the future to get that 1nfo, nor d1d 1 read your thought2. Ju2t good at gue221ing, 2o am 1 correct?"

She nods with a slightly amazed look.

“Ye2, ten po1nts!"

"points?"

“2orry, 1t2 an old hab1t. You 2a1d the2e ‘cutie mark2’ have mean1ng2. 1 gue22 m1ne 12 my love of game2: tr1v1a, 2k1ll, chance, etc. 1 feel 2at12f1ed even 1f 1 don’t actually ga1n anyth1ng."

"you gained me as a friend."

Never have I been so thankful for the darkness hiding my blush. Speaking of such, it seems to be getting close to morning.

“what do you mean you dont know who i am”?

“Oh, there’2 another per2on/pony in the fore2t, and they’re a fa2t talker."

“sorry miiss, we aren’t exactly locals, and we’re currently waiitiing two be rescued"

“thats what im here to do"

I quickly pulled Fluttershy into a nearby bush and asked her to be quiet while I monitored the conversation happening outside the bush. Currently conversing is a blue pegasus who either had her mane styled by a clown or was involved in a very boring tie-dye accident (cause there is no way that rainbow mane is natural), and a filly and colt sitting on a rather banged-up couch (wow that thing is durable). They’re a set of twins with white coats and blonde manes: the colt’s mane being messily spiked and the filly’s mane being a flowing, shoulder length bob.

They’re 2o adorable!

"are they your kids?"

“Oh yeah, tho2e two are m1ne."

“strange mare currently harassiing us whiile we’re lost and separated from our guardiian: totally has stranger danger wriitten all over iit."

“can you 2 knock it off with the talking in unison thing”?

“why, does iit bother you"

“yes"

“then all the more reason two do it"

At this point the rainbow mare looks like she’s about to lose it. Well, time to bail the two of them out of this mess.

“Alr1ght you two have had your fun."

“but senseii, she just about two break"

As I step out of the bush, the rainbow pony glances at me and jumps back a bit. Expected.

“who and what are you”?

“Ah ye2 1ntroduct1on2, cap1tal 1dea Ms. Mare of Many Color2. My name 12 Ace W1ld and 1’m just a pony look1ng for my lo2t ch1ldren, whom you’ve been keep1ng company."

“i dont really see the family resemblance"

“They’re adopted."

“yeah excuse my skepticism for not trusting a strange pony who was just hiding in a bush"

"um i can vouch for him."

After which, Fluttershy also emerges from the aforementioned bush.

“fluttershy”?

"hi, rainbow dash."

Oh god, she has rainbow in her name. Must curb the desire to laugh.

“so fluttershy where did you meet this weird pony”?

"i found him in the everfree, face-down in a ditch."

“and you believe theyre these kids parent”?

Fluttershy then directs Rainbow’s attention towards the couch with the 3 of us in mid-hug.

“ok ace what kind of freaky unicorn magic did you use on fluttershy and these kids”?

And 2he had to open her mouth. 2he even u2ed two of my tr1gger word2. Now 1'm peeved.

“Wh1le 1 can under2tand the m121nterpretat1on of th1nk1ng 1’m a un1corn becau2e of my horn2, 1 am 1n2ulted that you would accu2e me of u2ing 2uch non2en2e a2 mag1c. For th12 tran2gre221ion, 1 challenge you to a 2tr1fe."

“a what”?

“A f1ght."

“gladly"

We relocate to a nearby clearing and establish our rules for the strife: flight is allowed, telekinesis is allowed (though i’m not allowed to grab her with it), and the loser is the first to give-up or the first to be unable to fight. Nearby Fluttershy, Tenma, and Tenshi are sitting on the couch (also relocated) serving as our audience, all of them with worried expressions.

“Don’t worry. 1’ll go ea2y on her."

We take our positions on each side of the clearing as Rainbow immediately takes flight.

“im surprised you didnt put up an argument when i insisted on being able to fly seeing how it gives me an advantage"

“The advantage won’t matter 1f th12 work2."

“if what works”?

==> Activate God Tier

In a flash of light (that was totally unnecessary, but I chose to do it anyways) I was adorned in my Mage robes and it’s various shades of purple. Looking back I was surprised to see ‘pegasus’ wings. Not what I was expecting, fundamentally should be the same.

Needless to say the two pegasi were quite flabbergasted.

“hold up this totally breaks the rules"

“Now what rule doe2 th12 v1olate? 1 have u2ed no offen21ve power2 on you."

Kicking off the ground, I bring myself into a hover.

“1 also bel1eve you were the one to 2ugge2t the term2 for fl1ght."

At this point, red seems to her predominant color.

Checking my hud, I see Rainbow has below average Brainitude, an average sized Health Vial, and an above average Health Gel Viscosity and Mangrit score. The most ridiculous reading is this Scamperway score. I didn’t think it was possible to get that high before God Tier. Her ability oriented bar is labeled [Momentum] and is currently empty.

“La2t chance to back out."

“no way"

The fight began and we jettisoned our way into the upper troposphere (we apparently shared the thought of a fight amongst the clouds being awesome). Rainbow managed to get off the first blow with a right hook to my cheek.

Her punch d1dn’t hurt a2 much a2 1 thought 1t would. 1 calculated her accelerat1on correctly. 2o her ma22 12 off. 2he mu2t have hollow bone2 to make fly1ng ea21er.

I used her momentum to twist myself and deliver my own hook to the side of her barrel. Her gritted teeth indicating my hit had the desired effect of beating her without going too far and breaking anything.

From the ground perspective, we were two dots zipping and colliding in the sky. The powerful and consecutively faster impacts giving the impression of thunder, which starkly contrasted the partly cloudy sky.

At this point, Rainbow seemed to be tiring herself out.

D1d 2he burn through her energy too fa2t? Wa1t! 12 2he 2tand1ng on a cloud? Th12 place ha2 we1rd phy2ic2. 1’m 2o gonna try 1t.

I find myself a nice large cloud, prep for landing,...

And promptly fall through it.

Fortunately, I managed catch myself in a hover about halfway through the cloud.

Unfortunately, Rainbow decided to investigate my blunder, landing on the cloud, and reached in with a hoof in what I assumed was a gesture of good sportsmanship.

And reached between my horns.

Paused

Ok, I’m going to take a moment to attempt to explain this. While my psionic abilities have been featured albeit minorly, I’ve given no indication of this current ability. During a past “accident”, I acquired the ability to store and expel electric currents. Now while we haven’t been in a thunderstorm, there is an ambient charge throughout the atmosphere due to ionization from cosmic rays and natural radioactivity. Now imagine me as a battery with my horns serving interchangeably as the anode (-) and cathode (+). Between them insert one hoof, slightly damp from cloud moisture to complete the circuit.

Unpaused

ZAP!

The result being one order of fried pegasus, the sound of which might be a tempting meal, but the smell of burnt hair and feathers being a turnoff.

I peek my head out of the cloud to the sight of an unconscious Rainbow. Feeling like it would be a bad idea to leave her up here, I began the slow descent of carrying her down as my flight was a bit unstable due to a feeling of lightheadedness from the sudden discharge.

Back on terra firma and after disengaging my god tier, I toss Rainbow on the couch, which the audience has kindly vacated, and levitate it over my head.

“2aw the town from up there, 1nclud1ng a ho2p1tal. Th12 way!"

My children immediately followed, while Fluttershy paused to contemplate the bizarre circumstance she’d gotten herself into in such a short time, before heading likewise in the direction of Ponyville.

Achievement Badge Unlocked: Color Shock
Win a fight against Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

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-BC